1 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:10,800 Speaker 1: I'm only a contract in this today's conversation is about 2 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:16,240 Speaker 1: something that sounds simple but is anything but creating boundaries, 3 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:20,759 Speaker 1: especially with people we're told we're supposed to love unconditionally. 4 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:26,600 Speaker 1: In this session, Jasmine shares something powerful. Early on. She says, 5 00:00:27,200 --> 00:00:31,480 Speaker 1: I've still stood my ground, but I'm not being aggressive 6 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:34,560 Speaker 1: like I used to be, and the outcome has been 7 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:39,280 Speaker 1: calm and peaceful. For a lot of us, peace feels unfamiliar. 8 00:00:39,920 --> 00:00:43,760 Speaker 1: We're so used to backlast tension or conflict that when 9 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:47,920 Speaker 1: it doesn't show up, we don't trust it. Jasmine is 10 00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:51,440 Speaker 1: learning how to pause instead of react, how to sit 11 00:00:51,520 --> 00:00:55,280 Speaker 1: with discomfort instead of firing back, how to stop giving 12 00:00:55,320 --> 00:00:58,160 Speaker 1: people the reaction they've been trained to expect from her. 13 00:00:59,040 --> 00:01:03,240 Speaker 1: And as she let's sit, I'm realizing I'm growing because 14 00:01:03,280 --> 00:01:06,160 Speaker 1: I'm willing to hear someone talk me out of rude 15 00:01:06,560 --> 00:01:10,560 Speaker 1: or disrespectful thoughts. But here's where the real work comes in. 16 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,760 Speaker 1: This particular boundary she's trying to set isn't with a stranger. 17 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:19,200 Speaker 1: It's with her father. And when family is involved, boundaries 18 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:22,720 Speaker 1: can feel like betrayal, They can feel selfish, they can 19 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:26,760 Speaker 1: feel wrong. So today we talk about what boundaries actually 20 00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:31,440 Speaker 1: are and what they're not. They're not ultimatoes, they're not 21 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:35,199 Speaker 1: tools to change other people, and they're definitely not about 22 00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:39,960 Speaker 1: controlling someone else's behavior. They're about deciding what you will tolerate, 23 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:43,720 Speaker 1: what you will participate in, and how you will protect 24 00:01:43,720 --> 00:01:47,440 Speaker 1: your healing even when the other person stays exactly the same. 25 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:53,760 Speaker 1: Let's get into it, hey, Jeffrien, Hi, uh so, what's 26 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,120 Speaker 1: been better since we last met? 27 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:59,200 Speaker 2: What I'll say has been better is I've used some 28 00:01:59,240 --> 00:02:03,240 Speaker 2: of your skill tactics and they've worked. But then I 29 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,640 Speaker 2: feel like another issue arives. 30 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:10,160 Speaker 1: Okay, well, before we get to that other issue, how 31 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,360 Speaker 1: how do you know they've worked? Like? What did you notice? 32 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,480 Speaker 1: I told you all right that that is working, that 33 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,680 Speaker 1: is making a difference in a positive way. 34 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:23,920 Speaker 2: I'm so what my battle was. I don't want to 35 00:02:23,919 --> 00:02:27,480 Speaker 2: be as aggressive as I used to be, and because 36 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:32,120 Speaker 2: I've been silent for so long, I'm trying to figure 37 00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:35,760 Speaker 2: out how to say things nicely. I guess, and I've 38 00:02:35,800 --> 00:02:42,760 Speaker 2: noticed because I've still stood my grounds, not taken things 39 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:46,600 Speaker 2: so offensively, the outcome isn't what I've expected, like a 40 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,560 Speaker 2: lot of backlash. It's just very calm and peaceful. 41 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:55,120 Speaker 1: Did you enjoy that, yes, How could you tell, like, 42 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:59,639 Speaker 1: how did you know that you enjoyed being and peaceful? 43 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:04,480 Speaker 2: Because I was waiting for a negative response. I was 44 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,640 Speaker 2: waiting for backlash, and when I didn't receive it, it 45 00:03:07,800 --> 00:03:12,840 Speaker 2: was like, oh, okay, this is working, and I was 46 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,760 Speaker 2: anxiety written from it. 47 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:16,880 Speaker 1: You had no fears or anxieties. 48 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,959 Speaker 2: No, And that's the different part. 49 00:03:21,120 --> 00:03:25,040 Speaker 1: Perfect anything else did you notice that? Let you know 50 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,600 Speaker 1: that this was working well? 51 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:33,919 Speaker 2: The last few days? Oh, today and yesterday I noticed 52 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:38,840 Speaker 2: it was working because I was triggered and I almost 53 00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:42,760 Speaker 2: reverted back to my old ways. So right now I'm 54 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:45,200 Speaker 2: kind of sitting in it at the moment. 55 00:03:45,760 --> 00:03:48,640 Speaker 1: How did you how did you manage? You said? Almost so, 56 00:03:48,720 --> 00:03:50,880 Speaker 1: how did you manage not to revert back to your 57 00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:58,440 Speaker 1: old ways by not responding yet? Okay? But but how 58 00:03:58,600 --> 00:04:01,680 Speaker 1: like you haven't refonded yet. What did you tap into 59 00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,920 Speaker 1: to stop you from responding in the way that you 60 00:04:04,080 --> 00:04:06,240 Speaker 1: otherwise would have like the old way. 61 00:04:07,400 --> 00:04:13,320 Speaker 2: I text my sister, I text my system gladys and 62 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 2: let that I think disappointment. It was in regards to 63 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:25,520 Speaker 2: my dad, our dad, and I just I guess vented 64 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,640 Speaker 2: a bit to her to let the steam out so 65 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:31,760 Speaker 2: I don't say anything disrespectful to him. 66 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:39,000 Speaker 1: Okay, and you vented the Gladys? Yeah, how did she respond? 67 00:04:42,040 --> 00:04:47,120 Speaker 2: She called me, but I didn't answer. Just this morning. 68 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 2: I didn't answer because I was still in my feelings 69 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:54,320 Speaker 2: about it and a bit emotional. I don't like being 70 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,640 Speaker 2: like that, so I didn't want. I haven't spoken to 71 00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:01,240 Speaker 2: her about it yet, which I probably would after this call. 72 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:05,840 Speaker 2: I mean, after this session. But I also know I'm 73 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:12,200 Speaker 2: growing because I'm willing to here somebody talk me out 74 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:17,279 Speaker 2: of rude thoughts or disrespectful thoughts. 75 00:05:18,839 --> 00:05:21,520 Speaker 1: Did you vent to Gladys via text? 76 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:23,120 Speaker 2: Yes? 77 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:25,880 Speaker 1: Okay, so she called you and you haven't responded. 78 00:05:27,600 --> 00:05:30,200 Speaker 2: Yeah, it was very early in the morning. What I'm 79 00:05:30,279 --> 00:05:33,839 Speaker 2: doing now is instead of responding so quickly, I'll sleep 80 00:05:33,880 --> 00:05:37,080 Speaker 2: on it, and if I still feel that way in 81 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:38,840 Speaker 2: the morning, I'm going to act on it. 82 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:43,960 Speaker 1: You said, what I'm doing is when I have these feelings, 83 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:49,440 Speaker 1: instead of acting on it, I sleep on it. And 84 00:05:49,480 --> 00:05:52,159 Speaker 1: that's not how you used to handle things, correct, right, 85 00:05:52,880 --> 00:05:54,640 Speaker 1: So tell me how you're doing that. 86 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:59,240 Speaker 2: What I've learned is people will poke you to get 87 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:02,919 Speaker 2: the respond to give reason for their behavior or however 88 00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:06,880 Speaker 2: they're acting. Now that I'm not giving those responses. I'm 89 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,080 Speaker 2: kind of just sitting in it. What I've been doing, 90 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:15,040 Speaker 2: which I'm not sure has been effective, but I'm not 91 00:06:15,080 --> 00:06:18,480 Speaker 2: sure it's a solution. I haven't responded at all. I'll 92 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,480 Speaker 2: just leave you alone and then just let time pass, 93 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:25,800 Speaker 2: because I'd rather that than me say something disrespectful like 94 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:29,520 Speaker 2: I used to. However, I felt whatever you wanted to 95 00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,120 Speaker 2: get out of me, I was going to give you 96 00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,719 Speaker 2: a double and I don't want to do that. 97 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:41,240 Speaker 1: Change is hard, jasline. And you are telling me that 98 00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:46,720 Speaker 1: you've managed to create a chain. How did you do that? 99 00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:50,440 Speaker 1: I know what you did, but I'm asking how have 100 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:51,720 Speaker 1: you managed to do it? 101 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:59,599 Speaker 2: Practice? Literally, Google, I even took a few of your 102 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:05,279 Speaker 2: I'm in the fact, like literally, I've been studying therapy. 103 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,760 Speaker 2: Even when I couldn't get therapy right away, I was like, 104 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:11,760 Speaker 2: all right, well, let me do some self therapy. Let 105 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:15,200 Speaker 2: me look up some breathing techniques, let me use all 106 00:07:15,240 --> 00:07:18,240 Speaker 2: the tools I already have instead of just trying to 107 00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:19,120 Speaker 2: rack up more tools. 108 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:23,440 Speaker 1: Perfect, Okay, I love that. Because any change is a 109 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:28,200 Speaker 1: good change. Any change, Oh yeah, of course, any change 110 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,920 Speaker 1: is a good change. Okay, because any change disrupts the 111 00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:33,640 Speaker 1: old pattern. 112 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,680 Speaker 2: Oh okay, okay. 113 00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:41,480 Speaker 1: Okay, successfully disrupted the old pattern. 114 00:07:42,480 --> 00:07:46,640 Speaker 2: And it's funny that you say that is because what 115 00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:51,960 Speaker 2: I believe I'm offended by is that my father keeps 116 00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:56,720 Speaker 2: using the same patterns and the same tricks in regards 117 00:07:56,800 --> 00:08:02,680 Speaker 2: to how he communicates with us, specifically with me, And 118 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:05,760 Speaker 2: I'm like, all right, I see he's not changing, and 119 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,400 Speaker 2: I'm doing all this work. I don't want to revert 120 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,840 Speaker 2: back to being disrespectful to give him the reason to 121 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:16,680 Speaker 2: why he behaves this way, and that's extremely hard for me. 122 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:21,240 Speaker 1: Right now, Okay, what would you like the most helped 123 00:08:21,280 --> 00:08:25,080 Speaker 1: with today? Because I know obviously there's something happening for 124 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,120 Speaker 1: you and you're trying to decide how you're going to respond, 125 00:08:27,160 --> 00:08:28,920 Speaker 1: and you haven't responded yet, and you're trying to figure 126 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,840 Speaker 1: it out. What would be the most useful way for 127 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:31,960 Speaker 1: us to spend our time today? 128 00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:39,840 Speaker 2: Because I've thought about this, wondering if it's worth expressing 129 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 2: myself because I know there's not going to be changes 130 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:47,400 Speaker 2: within the other person. I already know I'm changing, So 131 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:52,360 Speaker 2: what why am I going to explain how I feel 132 00:08:53,280 --> 00:08:58,280 Speaker 2: and how he acts if he's just going to be offended? 133 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:04,880 Speaker 1: So Jasmine, can I ask you a very important question? Yes, 134 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:11,160 Speaker 1: why are you changing for myself? To better myself and 135 00:09:11,559 --> 00:09:18,480 Speaker 1: especially to break generational curses? Okay? Can you explain to 136 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 1: me what his response has anything to do with those 137 00:09:23,679 --> 00:09:28,040 Speaker 1: two aims? So tell me how his response is relevant 138 00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,920 Speaker 1: to either of those two achievements. 139 00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:35,040 Speaker 2: Because I know if he gets the reaction out of 140 00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:40,040 Speaker 2: me that I've been trying to shy from and stay 141 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,480 Speaker 2: clear from, I'm gonna be so hurt within myself and 142 00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:47,880 Speaker 2: disappointed with myself, even if it was one time, Even 143 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,840 Speaker 2: if it was one time, that I tell him how 144 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,080 Speaker 2: I really feel. 145 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,720 Speaker 1: You're talking about a reaction from you. That's your response, 146 00:09:56,800 --> 00:10:00,280 Speaker 1: I'm saying, tell me how his response has any thing 147 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:05,720 Speaker 1: to do with your desires. They don't, exactly, they don't. 148 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:10,360 Speaker 1: So why are you frustrated by him doing what he 149 00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,080 Speaker 1: always does? It has nothing to do with your achievements? 150 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,000 Speaker 2: Okay, because it's aggerating. 151 00:10:17,480 --> 00:10:21,360 Speaker 1: It's aggratd. But I ask you what will probably be 152 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,679 Speaker 1: the most important question I ask you today, which is, Jasmine, 153 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:28,240 Speaker 1: tell me why you changed. And you gave me two 154 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:32,560 Speaker 1: beautiful reasons, number one to improve myself and number two 155 00:10:33,280 --> 00:10:37,400 Speaker 1: to break generational curses. You did not say to get 156 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:42,440 Speaker 1: a different response from my father. Okay, And Jasmine, I 157 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:44,199 Speaker 1: want you to hear me when I'm about to say 158 00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,040 Speaker 1: and I've probably said I don't know if I've said 159 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,800 Speaker 1: it to you before, but I say it often a 160 00:10:49,040 --> 00:10:55,000 Speaker 1: change for the purposes of someone else to change is manipulation. 161 00:10:55,320 --> 00:11:00,600 Speaker 1: It's not a change. So if you're saying, Elliot, my 162 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,760 Speaker 1: feelings are hurt, Okay, then we can talk about how 163 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,160 Speaker 1: to deal with your feelings being hurt. But we can't 164 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:09,720 Speaker 1: talk about how to change his behavior because that's actually 165 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:12,920 Speaker 1: not why you changed. And his behavior is actually none 166 00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:15,920 Speaker 1: of your business. It's not relevant to your purpose or mission. 167 00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,280 Speaker 2: He's my dad, though. What my thing is is that 168 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:26,000 Speaker 2: I'm offended that he expects to be a priority when 169 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:30,560 Speaker 2: we've never been a priority. He takes so much, which 170 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:32,560 Speaker 2: is also known, you know, like my siblings that I 171 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,840 Speaker 2: want to become closer with. He takes all the glory 172 00:11:35,840 --> 00:11:37,840 Speaker 2: in that, like he raised all of us, and it's 173 00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:40,840 Speaker 2: like leave us alone. 174 00:11:42,679 --> 00:11:45,880 Speaker 1: No, And look, I understand he's my dad. I would 175 00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:51,640 Speaker 1: prefer he not behaved poorly in this way, but him 176 00:11:51,640 --> 00:11:56,440 Speaker 1: being your dad doesn't make him healed. It doesn't make 177 00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:59,960 Speaker 1: it has nothing to do like, we have to accepit 178 00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:06,240 Speaker 1: people as they present themselves to us. The reason why 179 00:12:06,280 --> 00:12:10,440 Speaker 1: you have hurt feelings is because you have an expectation 180 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,400 Speaker 1: based upon him being your dad, that he is not meeting. 181 00:12:17,080 --> 00:12:19,479 Speaker 1: So as a consequence of him not meeting this expectation, 182 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,080 Speaker 1: you have hurt feelings. But I would say to you, 183 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,199 Speaker 1: we have to accept people based on how they present 184 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:32,480 Speaker 1: themselves to us. Whether they're dad's uncles, sisters, brothers, doesn't matter. 185 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,640 Speaker 1: I have to accept him how he is presenting himself 186 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:34,920 Speaker 1: to me. 187 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:42,280 Speaker 2: Okay. So it feels like I have forgiven him and 188 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:45,240 Speaker 2: I'm doing the work to not hold on to that. 189 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:50,800 Speaker 2: But it's like he's he's the type to be like, yeah, 190 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:53,040 Speaker 2: and I'm your father and you have to respect me, 191 00:12:53,080 --> 00:12:56,920 Speaker 2: And it's like, actually I don't. I'm choosing to be 192 00:12:57,120 --> 00:12:58,160 Speaker 2: my healing journey. 193 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:00,959 Speaker 1: Okay, But again, I want you to continue to remind 194 00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:03,760 Speaker 1: yourself why, like I could give you this work, but 195 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,120 Speaker 1: I'm choosing not to, And Jasmine, the reason I'm choosing 196 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:11,440 Speaker 1: not to has nothing to do with you. I'm choosing 197 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,640 Speaker 1: not to because I want to be a better person 198 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,280 Speaker 1: and I want to break generational curses. So I'm I 199 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,360 Speaker 1: could cuss you out, but I'm choosing not to because 200 00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:22,839 Speaker 1: these other two things are more important at the moment. 201 00:13:23,440 --> 00:13:24,880 Speaker 2: How do I explain that to him? 202 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,839 Speaker 1: It has nothing to do with him. Why would you 203 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,600 Speaker 1: explain it to him? As a better question, it's. 204 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:34,080 Speaker 2: Not that I am yearning for a daughter father. 205 00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,480 Speaker 1: But you're yearning for relationship. You're yearning for something that 206 00:13:37,559 --> 00:13:40,960 Speaker 1: is causing this because he may not understand that, you 207 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,520 Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like, he may not get it. 208 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:46,640 Speaker 2: I don't want. What I'm yearning for is for him 209 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,400 Speaker 2: for at the least to not talk bad about your 210 00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:54,319 Speaker 2: kids because of the bond we have made. And it's like. 211 00:13:54,520 --> 00:13:56,640 Speaker 1: He gets to talk bad about his kids if he 212 00:13:56,640 --> 00:14:01,480 Speaker 1: wants to. You, you have no control that. I wish 213 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:03,240 Speaker 1: he wouldn't. I was all. Want to be clear, I 214 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:06,160 Speaker 1: wish he wouldn't talk bad about his kids, But should 215 00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,920 Speaker 1: he choose to, you have no control over that, Okay, 216 00:14:09,480 --> 00:14:12,719 Speaker 1: in anything you do to try to get him to 217 00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:15,480 Speaker 1: stop doing that is manipulation. 218 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,400 Speaker 2: No, I don't get that, Like, how am I being 219 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,360 Speaker 2: manipulating because I'm a vote, Like I don't want to 220 00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,160 Speaker 2: be manipulated? 221 00:14:24,840 --> 00:14:27,480 Speaker 1: Well, No, No, No, that's not why you That's not manipulation. 222 00:14:27,720 --> 00:14:30,160 Speaker 1: That's not what I'm saying. I think you're being very 223 00:14:30,240 --> 00:14:33,640 Speaker 1: strong by saying I don't want to be manipulated, so 224 00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:35,680 Speaker 1: I'm going to choose to change. I think you're being 225 00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 1: very strong by that where it becomes manipulation when it's 226 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:42,360 Speaker 1: like because in essence what you're asking me, Jasmine, which 227 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,360 Speaker 1: by the way, is a good question, I understand why 228 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,560 Speaker 1: you're asking that, and I really mean what I just said. 229 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,880 Speaker 1: I admire you for the fact that you've changed the 230 00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:52,600 Speaker 1: first ten minutes of this conversation. Did you notice I 231 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:55,120 Speaker 1: only asked you one question. I asked that one question 232 00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:57,480 Speaker 1: about six times, and the one question I asked you 233 00:14:57,640 --> 00:15:01,120 Speaker 1: was how are you doing this? And did you notice that? 234 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:03,040 Speaker 2: Yes? 235 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,800 Speaker 1: Okay. The reason I asked you that is because I 236 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:09,040 Speaker 1: understand change is hard. And then I ask you what 237 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,680 Speaker 1: I think is the most important question I'm going to 238 00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,560 Speaker 1: say to you today, which is why are you making 239 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:18,800 Speaker 1: these changes? And Jasmine, you gave me two beautiful answers. Amazing. 240 00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:23,680 Speaker 1: You said to improve myself and to break generational curses. Amazing. 241 00:15:25,360 --> 00:15:28,120 Speaker 1: I admire you for that, I respect you for that. 242 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,720 Speaker 1: That is very important and hard to do. Thus you 243 00:15:31,320 --> 00:15:34,360 Speaker 1: should be acknowledged for how hard it is to do. 244 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,520 Speaker 1: Now the additional part you're kind of saying, how do 245 00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:40,840 Speaker 1: I get him to stop talking bad about his kids? 246 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,440 Speaker 1: And the answer is you can't. That has nothing to 247 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,760 Speaker 1: do with it. That has nothing to do with him. 248 00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:52,120 Speaker 1: Like too often, we give boundaries with the expectation that 249 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 1: the person will respond to our boundaries and the way 250 00:15:54,640 --> 00:15:57,160 Speaker 1: that we want them to. But the truth is a 251 00:15:57,200 --> 00:16:00,600 Speaker 1: boundary is about you and what you will tolerate going forward. 252 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:04,280 Speaker 1: It has got nothing to do with how the other 253 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,040 Speaker 1: person will respond to the boundary. Should he talk bad 254 00:16:08,080 --> 00:16:10,640 Speaker 1: about his kids? No, I don't think you should talk 255 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:14,280 Speaker 1: badly about his kids. Should he say awful things about 256 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:14,880 Speaker 1: his kids. 257 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:15,080 Speaker 2: And so on? 258 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,800 Speaker 1: No, I don't think he should. He care about hurting 259 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:22,120 Speaker 1: his kids feelings, Yes, but you're not responsible to whether 260 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,600 Speaker 1: or not he does those things or not. The only 261 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,920 Speaker 1: thing you can say is I won't tolerate it. So 262 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:30,560 Speaker 1: that's why I won't participate. 263 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:34,360 Speaker 2: In it, Okay. And I do want to mention I did, 264 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:36,600 Speaker 2: for a long time have a grudge against my father, 265 00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:39,760 Speaker 2: but I let that go such a long time ago, wonderful. 266 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:40,400 Speaker 1: And. 267 00:16:41,720 --> 00:16:46,400 Speaker 2: I don't want the fact that we're older and we're 268 00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:50,280 Speaker 2: trying to heal and get to know each other better. 269 00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,560 Speaker 2: I don't want him to ruin that for us. 270 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 1: Then I agree with you, and I think that's amazing 271 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 1: you would say that, But then it's your job to 272 00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:03,640 Speaker 1: not let him ruin it. You can't convince him to 273 00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:04,639 Speaker 1: stop doing something. 274 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,719 Speaker 2: My dad's Querto Rican, so he has the worst fomo. 275 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:11,840 Speaker 2: So that's why I feel like when he sees like, 276 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:14,680 Speaker 2: I don't know, because he's not a bad guy at all. 277 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,240 Speaker 2: He's a great guy, not a good dad. He's not 278 00:17:18,359 --> 00:17:20,680 Speaker 2: the best dad, not the worst, but he's the best. 279 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,199 Speaker 2: But it's like, I think it's like a fear of 280 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,480 Speaker 2: missing out, but what he wants to be a part 281 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:27,160 Speaker 2: of everything. 282 00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:29,040 Speaker 1: What does his fomo have to do with you. 283 00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:33,199 Speaker 2: He's our dad, He's a reason we're siblings. So it's like, 284 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:35,040 Speaker 2: how can we leave him? 285 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:38,320 Speaker 1: You know, you have to make a choice, and the 286 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,520 Speaker 1: choice is like, yeah, he's my dad. He hasn't always 287 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,119 Speaker 1: been a great dad. Sometimes he hurts our feelings. And 288 00:17:45,160 --> 00:17:47,480 Speaker 1: then you said, I don't want him to ruin what 289 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 1: me and my siblings are trying to do as adults, 290 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:52,439 Speaker 1: which is to get closer. So which one is it? 291 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:56,320 Speaker 1: Do you want to give into your father's fomo or 292 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,359 Speaker 1: do you want to focus on accomplishing the goal that 293 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,640 Speaker 1: you have for you and your siblings, because you might 294 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:01,680 Speaker 1: not be able to have both. 295 00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,720 Speaker 2: It's crazy that you say that, because I feel like, 296 00:18:05,119 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 2: because I've done that, I've catered to his pomo, even 297 00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:13,160 Speaker 2: like going on road trips with him, which I'll never 298 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:17,080 Speaker 2: do again. You know. It's like, I was so disappointed 299 00:18:17,119 --> 00:18:21,160 Speaker 2: at that, and that's all I know from that. I'm 300 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:24,639 Speaker 2: scared that's going to happen again. So I don't know 301 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:27,919 Speaker 2: how to detach from that in a sense without being. 302 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:32,320 Speaker 1: Rude, though you do. You literally just said I've catered 303 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,920 Speaker 1: into his fomo before I went on a road trip 304 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:38,080 Speaker 1: with him, and then you edited yourself and you said, 305 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:42,680 Speaker 1: and I'll never do that again. That's a boundary. Your 306 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,760 Speaker 1: primary focus has got to be on the accomplishment of 307 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:51,480 Speaker 1: the mission, and the mission is I want to better 308 00:18:51,520 --> 00:18:54,480 Speaker 1: myself and I want to break generational curses. And now 309 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:56,359 Speaker 1: I'm going to add a third one because you added 310 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,959 Speaker 1: the third thing, which is I want to get closer 311 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:02,760 Speaker 1: to my siblings now that we're adults. Those are the 312 00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:06,760 Speaker 1: three things you're trying to accomplish, right, Yes, So I 313 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:08,800 Speaker 1: don't care if it's your dad or the male man. 314 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:12,359 Speaker 1: Nothing can be a threat to those three things. 315 00:19:12,920 --> 00:19:15,800 Speaker 2: It's okay. In hearing it out loud, it makes sense. 316 00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,399 Speaker 2: But just the pressure of thinking about it. 317 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:24,520 Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean, I totally understand. I understand personally by 318 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:28,280 Speaker 1: the way that, Like, we want our fathers to behave 319 00:19:28,359 --> 00:19:31,840 Speaker 1: in a way that's congruent to being a father. We 320 00:19:31,960 --> 00:19:34,720 Speaker 1: want our parents to behave in a way that is 321 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,440 Speaker 1: congruent being a good parent. But we have to accept 322 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,359 Speaker 1: I'm not in charge of the quality that my parent 323 00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:44,040 Speaker 1: decides to be, Like, I'm not in charge of that. 324 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:48,520 Speaker 2: Okay, So can I ask you a question? You set 325 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:53,640 Speaker 2: your boundary with your dad, and let's say he wants 326 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:58,879 Speaker 2: to redeem himself. You give him the opportunity to redeem himself, 327 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:04,520 Speaker 2: but he's continues even like a sheep and wolf's clothing 328 00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:08,879 Speaker 2: and he shows his ass. How do you move on 329 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:11,760 Speaker 2: from that? Like, how do you move on from that? 330 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:13,439 Speaker 2: And you've and you've held onto that. 331 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:17,320 Speaker 1: However, you have to, okay, because it's got nothing to 332 00:20:17,359 --> 00:20:19,600 Speaker 1: do with you, Jasmine, it has to do with him. 333 00:20:20,359 --> 00:20:22,480 Speaker 2: So what do you do with those feelings? 334 00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,720 Speaker 1: Like, okay, Jackman, if I rub poison I beyond my arm, 335 00:20:26,400 --> 00:20:34,879 Speaker 1: would you start itching? Might answer, But because it doesn't 336 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:40,240 Speaker 1: make sense that I would own the symptomatology of your problem. 337 00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:41,959 Speaker 1: So like, how do you move on from those feelings 338 00:20:42,000 --> 00:20:43,040 Speaker 1: by reminding yourself? 339 00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:44,520 Speaker 2: Right? Right? 340 00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,439 Speaker 1: Right? I've got to remind myself. I've got nothing to 341 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:57,200 Speaker 1: do with me. Here's more from my session with Jasmine. 342 00:20:57,960 --> 00:20:59,919 Speaker 1: My only job is to hold my boundary. Let me 343 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,880 Speaker 1: explain what I mean by that. I'm gonna use a 344 00:21:01,920 --> 00:21:07,320 Speaker 1: personal story. But my father was an abusive person, is 345 00:21:07,359 --> 00:21:10,680 Speaker 1: an abusive person still alive, and he used to yell 346 00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,800 Speaker 1: at me, curse at me, hit me, and call me names. 347 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,080 Speaker 1: And when I was nineteen years old, I was so 348 00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:22,359 Speaker 1: sad and depressed and couldn't handle it anymore. So I 349 00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:26,840 Speaker 1: said to my father, I want to have a relationship 350 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:29,720 Speaker 1: with you, but you have to promise me that you 351 00:21:29,800 --> 00:21:32,119 Speaker 1: won't do these four things anymore. No yelling at me, 352 00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,880 Speaker 1: no cursing at me, no hitting me, no calling me names. 353 00:21:35,280 --> 00:21:38,439 Speaker 1: If you can follow those four rules, I think we 354 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,679 Speaker 1: can have a healthy relationship going forward. But if you can't, 355 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,359 Speaker 1: I'm gonna have to remove you from my life. And 356 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,760 Speaker 1: I wrote him a nine page letter saying that I 357 00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:52,280 Speaker 1: said it to him on the phone, Jeffin, Do you 358 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,520 Speaker 1: know what his response to me was? All I asked 359 00:21:55,760 --> 00:21:57,320 Speaker 1: was to have a father that didn't yell at me, 360 00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 1: curse at me, call me names, or hit me. And 361 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:05,760 Speaker 1: when I made that request, he said fuck you. So 362 00:22:05,880 --> 00:22:08,359 Speaker 1: I said, Okay, you've broken one of the rules. You 363 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:11,840 Speaker 1: cursed at me. I have not spoken to him since, 364 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:15,840 Speaker 1: and I'm forty eight years old. Now. You also asked 365 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,760 Speaker 1: a really important question. You said, what if he tries 366 00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:22,240 Speaker 1: to redeem himself. There have been a couple of times 367 00:22:22,359 --> 00:22:24,399 Speaker 1: since that moment when I was nineteen and today when 368 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:27,560 Speaker 1: I'm forty eight, where he's tried to redeem himself, but 369 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:31,119 Speaker 1: to use your word, he has showed his ass. And 370 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:33,640 Speaker 1: I had to say, Okay, the same boundary still exists. 371 00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:36,200 Speaker 1: And You're like, well, what do I do with those feelings? 372 00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:39,000 Speaker 1: I just remind myself it's about him, it's not about me. 373 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:44,360 Speaker 1: I made a request that is a reasonable request. His 374 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:46,960 Speaker 1: inability to fulfill that request has nothing to do with me, 375 00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:50,199 Speaker 1: So I don't own his behavior. It has nothing to 376 00:22:50,200 --> 00:22:53,920 Speaker 1: do with me. Okay, does that make. 377 00:22:53,760 --> 00:23:00,920 Speaker 2: Sense absolutely, and I think I'm realizing I'm thinking to myself, 378 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,159 Speaker 2: like I don't have this issue, Like it's not a 379 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:07,360 Speaker 2: hard thing to cut people off for me. However, when 380 00:23:07,400 --> 00:23:12,960 Speaker 2: it's my immediate family, it is literally heartbreaking. And I 381 00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:15,840 Speaker 2: think it has to do a lot with grief that 382 00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:20,480 Speaker 2: I'm still trying to understand and get through. But I 383 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:25,359 Speaker 2: know it is so healing to let go of hurt 384 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,119 Speaker 2: and especially the people that are hurting you. But it 385 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:28,600 Speaker 2: is hard. 386 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:33,880 Speaker 1: No, yes, it is hard. It is very, very difficult. 387 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:39,119 Speaker 1: But I had to choose me, Like at some point 388 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:44,200 Speaker 1: I had to say, okay, because like jafsman, it's gonna 389 00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,200 Speaker 1: be hard either way, so why not do like the 390 00:23:46,240 --> 00:23:51,080 Speaker 1: healthy hard instead of the unhealthy heart Because I had 391 00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,280 Speaker 1: a father that yelled at me, cursed at me, hit me, 392 00:23:53,320 --> 00:23:56,280 Speaker 1: and called me names, So it was gonna be hard 393 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:59,639 Speaker 1: either way. So I just decided I'm going to choose 394 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:04,119 Speaker 1: the that's associated with healthy. So even though it was 395 00:24:04,119 --> 00:24:07,159 Speaker 1: hard to say to him, you don't have access to 396 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:10,720 Speaker 1: me anymore until you stop breaking those rules. That was 397 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:12,879 Speaker 1: probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, 398 00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:18,440 Speaker 1: but it was healthy unhealthy. Is you thinking that your responsibility. 399 00:24:19,359 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 2: It's stressful. The unrealie and the unhealthy way literally stresses 400 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,320 Speaker 2: my body. The unreal and the unhealthy way literally stresses 401 00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:30,200 Speaker 2: my body. I can feel it. 402 00:24:31,119 --> 00:24:35,880 Speaker 1: I absolutely get that. But your responsibility is to Jasmine. 403 00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,359 Speaker 1: I can't worry about my dad's behavior. I can let 404 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,320 Speaker 1: him know his behavior is bothering me. I can let 405 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:44,800 Speaker 1: him know that his behavior hurts my feelings. But I'm 406 00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:50,239 Speaker 1: not responsible to how he responds. The only power I 407 00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:54,720 Speaker 1: have is in how I enforce the boundary. 408 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:59,480 Speaker 2: So moving forward, I was thinking about asking chat GPT, 409 00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:08,199 Speaker 2: how would so my dilemma is my father. You know, 410 00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:12,919 Speaker 2: he'll call me perfusely when he needs a favor, and 411 00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:14,800 Speaker 2: I already knew that was going to be the situation, 412 00:25:15,760 --> 00:25:17,359 Speaker 2: and then he'll make me feel guilty. He does it 413 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,600 Speaker 2: to all of us if we don't come through. I'm 414 00:25:20,600 --> 00:25:23,760 Speaker 2: trying to figure out how to respond to that by 415 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:26,800 Speaker 2: because I'm offend. Okay, I'm offended. That's why I'm going wrong. 416 00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:29,880 Speaker 2: But it's like, why would you ever think you would 417 00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,800 Speaker 2: be a priority to me? When you you you still 418 00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:34,800 Speaker 2: don't make us a priority. So it's like, how do 419 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,520 Speaker 2: I say that in a nice way? 420 00:25:37,560 --> 00:25:39,520 Speaker 1: What's wrong with exactly how you just said it. 421 00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:41,960 Speaker 2: That would be rude. 422 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:48,560 Speaker 1: Apparently you just said, I'm offended that you have the 423 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:50,960 Speaker 1: expectation I would treat you like a priority when you 424 00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,960 Speaker 1: don't treat us like a priority. That's what you said, right, 425 00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:58,200 Speaker 1: That is verbatim what you said. Correct. What's wrong with that? 426 00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:01,639 Speaker 2: Literally? To be quite honest, I literally just had so 427 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:05,640 Speaker 2: many ravensome moments of what will happen in them? 428 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:09,880 Speaker 1: Remember, you're not responsible to how he responds, but Jasmine, 429 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,720 Speaker 1: that is your authentic truth. Right? What if you said 430 00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:18,560 Speaker 1: to your dad, So I'm gonna give you two variables here, 431 00:26:19,760 --> 00:26:22,600 Speaker 1: what if you said to your father, I wish I 432 00:26:22,600 --> 00:26:29,240 Speaker 1: could help you, but I'm offended that you expect me 433 00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:32,960 Speaker 1: to make you a priority when all I've ever wanted 434 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,280 Speaker 1: my entire life was to be a priority to you. 435 00:26:37,240 --> 00:26:39,400 Speaker 1: So if we can ever sort that out, I would 436 00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:43,400 Speaker 1: happily help you, But until then, I'm going to say 437 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:46,719 Speaker 1: no to your requests. And what if you said something 438 00:26:46,760 --> 00:26:49,760 Speaker 1: like that, which is literally what you just said. I 439 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:53,399 Speaker 1: just kind of doctored it a little, and then you 440 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:57,120 Speaker 1: don't measure the success of that statement by how he 441 00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,640 Speaker 1: responds or not. You measure the success of the statement 442 00:27:00,040 --> 00:27:02,080 Speaker 1: by how true and genuine it was to you. 443 00:27:02,880 --> 00:27:06,120 Speaker 2: Because I'm gonna be honest. I honestly told Gladys so 444 00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:10,040 Speaker 2: she can handle it. Now I'm thinking, you know, dang, 445 00:27:10,080 --> 00:27:12,159 Speaker 2: this is it is your responsibility. 446 00:27:12,200 --> 00:27:15,800 Speaker 1: I do believe it is your responsibility. I don't believe 447 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,159 Speaker 1: it is Gladyses. I think it is your responsibility. 448 00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:23,600 Speaker 2: Okay, okay, okay, okay, because I keep in my head, 449 00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:24,600 Speaker 2: I keep saying, but what if? 450 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 1: But what I but Okay, So remember I told you 451 00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:31,040 Speaker 1: very personal thing that I told my dad, Please don't yell, 452 00:27:31,080 --> 00:27:32,960 Speaker 1: let me hit me and call me names or cursing. 453 00:27:34,119 --> 00:27:37,680 Speaker 1: And his response was fuck you. That was literally his response. 454 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:40,359 Speaker 1: I hope you're not offended by me cursing because that 455 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:44,320 Speaker 1: was that was verbatim his response. That doesn't mean that 456 00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:49,000 Speaker 1: my statement was not effective, because I actually felt very 457 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:52,480 Speaker 1: successful because I told my truth and I told my 458 00:27:52,640 --> 00:27:55,680 Speaker 1: truth to who, at the time was the scariest person 459 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,920 Speaker 1: in my life. I've never been more proud of myself. 460 00:27:59,440 --> 00:28:04,320 Speaker 1: I feel, Jasmine that you're determining your success based upon 461 00:28:04,800 --> 00:28:08,440 Speaker 1: does Dad acknowledge what I said in a healthy way 462 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:10,280 Speaker 1: or not? And I'm trying to tell you That is 463 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,399 Speaker 1: not your responsibility, nor is that how you should determine 464 00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:17,080 Speaker 1: whether or not successful or not. The success is did 465 00:28:17,119 --> 00:28:20,800 Speaker 1: I tell my truth? And if Dad, if he says, 466 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:24,000 Speaker 1: what I hate you and I hate all the kids 467 00:28:24,080 --> 00:28:26,560 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna punch you in the nose if he 468 00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:30,040 Speaker 1: responds like that, that doesn't mean that your attempt was 469 00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,680 Speaker 1: a failure, as long as what you said was your 470 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:33,600 Speaker 1: authentic truth. 471 00:28:34,640 --> 00:28:37,680 Speaker 2: Okay, it's just gonna be rough. I already know it. 472 00:28:37,920 --> 00:28:40,360 Speaker 1: Well, if it's going to be rough, then we have 473 00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:44,640 Speaker 1: to roll up our sleeves and do something difficult. Right. 474 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:49,600 Speaker 1: No one said being healthy was easy, Jasmine. But remember 475 00:28:50,680 --> 00:28:54,640 Speaker 1: I can deal with the hard, which is placating to 476 00:28:54,720 --> 00:28:59,120 Speaker 1: my dad and being anxious and all of the things 477 00:28:59,120 --> 00:29:03,160 Speaker 1: that you said earlier, or I can do the hard 478 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:06,280 Speaker 1: but healthy and live in my truth. 479 00:29:06,920 --> 00:29:10,160 Speaker 2: Okay, it's gonna be hard, reguideless. 480 00:29:10,240 --> 00:29:12,520 Speaker 1: He's gonna be hard regardless. But wouldn't you rather do 481 00:29:12,640 --> 00:29:16,840 Speaker 1: hard healthy versus hard unhealthy? 482 00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:20,800 Speaker 2: And I think that's still new to me. I think 483 00:29:20,880 --> 00:29:25,000 Speaker 2: I thought I was doing it the healthy way by 484 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:28,440 Speaker 2: when I started to change, and just to ignore, I 485 00:29:28,440 --> 00:29:29,280 Speaker 2: guess there's healthier. 486 00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:32,320 Speaker 1: Well, yeah, I mean the healthiest thing is to face 487 00:29:32,360 --> 00:29:35,440 Speaker 1: it and live in your truth, which means I might 488 00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,760 Speaker 1: have to say things that my dad won't like hearing. 489 00:29:38,840 --> 00:29:44,760 Speaker 1: I've done that before, right, So I might have to 490 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:47,640 Speaker 1: say some stuff that you know he's not gonna love, 491 00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:50,520 Speaker 1: but I'm gonna say it because it's my truth and 492 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,040 Speaker 1: I'm deciding to live in my truth. 493 00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:56,320 Speaker 2: And it's just like it's a bit of a hard 494 00:29:56,400 --> 00:30:00,640 Speaker 2: concept because I thought all these years, all thirty nine, 495 00:30:00,800 --> 00:30:03,960 Speaker 2: I thought I'd been living in my truth. So the 496 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:07,840 Speaker 2: adjustment is like life. 497 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:09,880 Speaker 1: No, I think you were living in a lie. But 498 00:30:09,920 --> 00:30:13,520 Speaker 1: I think there were times, rather than live in your truth, 499 00:30:13,600 --> 00:30:20,600 Speaker 1: you prioritized his feelings and emotions to the detriment of 500 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:23,920 Speaker 1: your ambitions, which again are three very noble things. I 501 00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:25,720 Speaker 1: want to be a better version of myself. I want 502 00:30:25,720 --> 00:30:28,240 Speaker 1: to break generational curses, and in adulthood, I want to 503 00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,320 Speaker 1: get closer to my siblings. There were times where you 504 00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,880 Speaker 1: had those three things you were trying to do, but 505 00:30:33,960 --> 00:30:37,160 Speaker 1: you put your father's moved ahead of yours, ahead of 506 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:38,040 Speaker 1: your ambitions. 507 00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:44,640 Speaker 2: Yes, that's absolutely true. During my healing journey, because I've 508 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:49,600 Speaker 2: been in therapy, at one point i'd have to be 509 00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:54,080 Speaker 2: okay with accepting sories like during my therapy and who 510 00:30:54,120 --> 00:31:00,360 Speaker 2: I would want sories from. And I got a lot 511 00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:04,800 Speaker 2: of sorries I didn't expect. But the one that I 512 00:31:04,840 --> 00:31:09,600 Speaker 2: thought and did expect was my dad and the way 513 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,520 Speaker 2: he turned it against me. And it was so weird. 514 00:31:12,560 --> 00:31:15,000 Speaker 2: It literally felt it was all God sent. I didn't 515 00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:17,200 Speaker 2: ask for this. I talked about it in therapy, and 516 00:31:17,240 --> 00:31:19,719 Speaker 2: I just like people would just start calling me apologizing 517 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,480 Speaker 2: for things, and my dad was one of them. But 518 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:26,280 Speaker 2: then he took it all back see and turned it on. No. 519 00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:28,680 Speaker 1: I don't know who that therapist was, Jeffman, but I 520 00:31:28,680 --> 00:31:34,800 Speaker 1: will say this. I think true healing is not necessarily 521 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:40,120 Speaker 1: learning how to accept i'm sorry. True healing is learning 522 00:31:40,200 --> 00:31:45,160 Speaker 1: how to move forward without ever hearing i'm sorry from 523 00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:46,320 Speaker 1: the people that owe it to you. 524 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:51,600 Speaker 2: Well, the thing is, I was in a point where 525 00:31:51,600 --> 00:31:54,280 Speaker 2: I was holding grudges and people were trying to reach 526 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,360 Speaker 2: out to me to apologize. I'm like, yet here, I'm 527 00:31:57,400 --> 00:32:01,520 Speaker 2: into my healing phase. Don't even try to come with 528 00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:05,040 Speaker 2: your demons. So she was trying to get me to 529 00:32:05,120 --> 00:32:08,160 Speaker 2: open up a space to be able to receive it 530 00:32:08,880 --> 00:32:10,400 Speaker 2: and see how I would respond. 531 00:32:10,520 --> 00:32:13,640 Speaker 1: No, I think I think that's fair. I think that's fair. 532 00:32:13,680 --> 00:32:17,840 Speaker 1: But understand what I'm saying is true. Healing is moving 533 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,600 Speaker 1: forward without an apology, because not everybody's going to give 534 00:32:20,600 --> 00:32:24,760 Speaker 1: you one, and in fact, oftentimes the people that should 535 00:32:24,800 --> 00:32:28,320 Speaker 1: give us an apology the most are the ones that don't. 536 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:29,960 Speaker 1: So in order for me to heal and be a 537 00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:32,120 Speaker 1: healthy person, I've got to learn how to live without 538 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:36,160 Speaker 1: the apology, because, as you stated, my dad was one 539 00:32:36,160 --> 00:32:37,640 Speaker 1: of those people to call it apologized. 540 00:32:40,680 --> 00:32:42,960 Speaker 2: I was saying, I much rather live without the apology 541 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,840 Speaker 2: because I don't even want I don't want to talk 542 00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:49,000 Speaker 2: to anybody that I. 543 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:51,280 Speaker 1: Really understand what I'm saying. If someone offers you an 544 00:32:51,280 --> 00:32:54,120 Speaker 1: apology and you feel like it's genuine apology, I want you, 545 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:57,280 Speaker 1: I want you to accept it. But as you stated, 546 00:32:57,440 --> 00:33:00,000 Speaker 1: my dad apologized, but then he turned it against me. 547 00:33:01,440 --> 00:33:06,480 Speaker 1: Those are literally your exact word, right, Yeah, So true 548 00:33:06,600 --> 00:33:11,000 Speaker 1: healing is I don't need his apology in order to 549 00:33:11,040 --> 00:33:15,320 Speaker 1: be healthy. So I'm not saying reject people's apologies, accept 550 00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,400 Speaker 1: them when you feel like they're true and genuine. But 551 00:33:17,480 --> 00:33:19,320 Speaker 1: I am saying I might not ever get a real 552 00:33:19,360 --> 00:33:22,440 Speaker 1: apology from my father, but that shouldn't remove my ability 553 00:33:22,480 --> 00:33:26,840 Speaker 1: to be a happy, healthy person. Okay, even if it's 554 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:30,520 Speaker 1: your dad. I wish my dad had responded in a 555 00:33:30,560 --> 00:33:34,680 Speaker 1: different way, but he didn't, So what am I gonna do. 556 00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:39,880 Speaker 1: It's been the next one hundred years resentful and angry. No. 557 00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,880 Speaker 1: I had to learn how to move forward, and I 558 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:46,800 Speaker 1: had to realize it was not about me. I wish 559 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:50,280 Speaker 1: my dad had said, I'm sorry, son, You're right, I 560 00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:52,560 Speaker 1: need to be better. Yes, I'll work as hard as 561 00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:54,320 Speaker 1: I can to follow those rules. Come here and give 562 00:33:54,320 --> 00:33:57,320 Speaker 1: me a hug. But that's not what he said. And 563 00:33:57,360 --> 00:34:00,160 Speaker 1: I wish your dad would stop creating your feelings. I 564 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:02,640 Speaker 1: wish your dad would make you I. 565 00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:06,720 Speaker 2: Don't want to keep kicking a dead horse. But I'm 566 00:34:06,760 --> 00:34:11,200 Speaker 2: just like why. It's like, if that one person could 567 00:34:11,520 --> 00:34:14,279 Speaker 2: and it's so easy, such an easy fix, Why can't 568 00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:15,160 Speaker 2: they Why? 569 00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:20,279 Speaker 1: I don't know, but he can't. I don't know why 570 00:34:20,320 --> 00:34:22,520 Speaker 1: he can't, but we have to live in the reality 571 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:26,240 Speaker 1: which is presented to us. I don't know why he can't, 572 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,320 Speaker 1: but I don't won't to even say that he can't. 573 00:34:28,840 --> 00:34:30,560 Speaker 1: I have to live in a world where he's not 574 00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:34,160 Speaker 1: doing it, and that's the reality that I'm facing with. 575 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,799 Speaker 1: He is not doing it. So as long as he 576 00:34:37,920 --> 00:34:40,520 Speaker 1: is not doing it, then you have to accept the 577 00:34:40,560 --> 00:34:44,799 Speaker 1: reality presented to you, and it is okay for you 578 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,160 Speaker 1: to have boundaries. In fact, I would say it's healthy 579 00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:49,640 Speaker 1: and important that you have boundaries. 580 00:34:50,800 --> 00:34:55,439 Speaker 2: Do you think it's worth even trying to find out 581 00:34:55,560 --> 00:35:00,640 Speaker 2: my dad's background and why he never chose to take 582 00:35:00,680 --> 00:35:04,160 Speaker 2: care of his like literally just lived his best life. 583 00:35:04,280 --> 00:35:07,520 Speaker 1: That's a good question, Jasmine, And yeah, I think that 584 00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:10,080 Speaker 1: would be worth it, but you also risk further pain. 585 00:35:10,640 --> 00:35:14,719 Speaker 2: Really yes, because I'm trying to figure out how I 586 00:35:14,719 --> 00:35:17,840 Speaker 2: can just the grace I've been trying to give him. 587 00:35:18,160 --> 00:35:22,880 Speaker 2: He's pushing it, so I kind of find a different route, like, 588 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:24,799 Speaker 2: all right, let me try to figure out why he. 589 00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:28,640 Speaker 1: So you might find out something in his past. Right, 590 00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:31,520 Speaker 1: you might find out that from the ages of ten 591 00:35:31,560 --> 00:35:33,799 Speaker 1: to twenty, my dad was locked in a dungeon and 592 00:35:33,880 --> 00:35:36,520 Speaker 1: tortured by a kidnapper, and you'd be like, oh, that 593 00:35:36,560 --> 00:35:39,960 Speaker 1: makes sense, now I understand why he's had this massive trauma. 594 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:43,640 Speaker 1: Or you might find out he just didn't care. You 595 00:35:43,719 --> 00:35:46,520 Speaker 1: might find out there's kind of nothing in his background 596 00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:49,080 Speaker 1: that's explanatory of why he's responding in this way. 597 00:35:50,040 --> 00:35:50,560 Speaker 2: I get it. 598 00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,560 Speaker 1: Okay, you're hung up on but it's my dad, and 599 00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,319 Speaker 1: I'm trying very hard to let you drop that expectation. 600 00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:06,360 Speaker 2: I am because I've been there before and I know 601 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,080 Speaker 2: how to do it. I know how to be like Dug, 602 00:36:09,160 --> 00:36:13,000 Speaker 2: I don't care that shit my dad. However, then I 603 00:36:13,040 --> 00:36:17,560 Speaker 2: went through losing my siblings and I've even been through 604 00:36:17,560 --> 00:36:20,919 Speaker 2: a stage. I hate to say this, but I wasn't 605 00:36:20,960 --> 00:36:23,560 Speaker 2: in a space to care if something happened to my dad. 606 00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:25,319 Speaker 2: I even was like, I'm not going to show up 607 00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,200 Speaker 2: to the funeral if something does happen, just and not 608 00:36:28,320 --> 00:36:31,480 Speaker 2: even out of spite, out of anything, just because I 609 00:36:31,560 --> 00:36:35,360 Speaker 2: wasn't at a space where I could handle another funeral 610 00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:39,040 Speaker 2: and I wasn't in a space to care enough. And 611 00:36:39,080 --> 00:36:42,200 Speaker 2: I thought that's how I was gonna always feel. But 612 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:44,759 Speaker 2: once I started my healing journey and started finding all 613 00:36:44,760 --> 00:36:50,520 Speaker 2: these weird feelings, it's like reverting to something that I 614 00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:53,600 Speaker 2: should have felt a long time ago, which was trying 615 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,960 Speaker 2: to have a bond with him. But because I see 616 00:36:57,080 --> 00:36:59,080 Speaker 2: it's not working, I don't even want I don't want 617 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:00,000 Speaker 2: to go back to disrespect. 618 00:37:00,040 --> 00:37:01,799 Speaker 1: And that is one hundred scent not what I'm saying. 619 00:37:01,840 --> 00:37:04,840 Speaker 1: I'm not saying go back to disrespecting him. I'm saying, 620 00:37:05,000 --> 00:37:09,040 Speaker 1: tell him, hey, you are my feelings right this this happens, 621 00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:11,080 Speaker 1: it hurts my feelings. I will not expose myself to 622 00:37:11,120 --> 00:37:14,560 Speaker 1: that anymore. Dad. I'd like you to stop doing those things. 623 00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:19,000 Speaker 1: And if you don't stop doing those things, I'm going 624 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:21,319 Speaker 1: to make some changes in how I relate to you. 625 00:37:22,680 --> 00:37:25,480 Speaker 2: Okay, this is going to be so new, nervous to 626 00:37:25,560 --> 00:37:27,960 Speaker 2: say this, but I do want to see what his response. 627 00:37:28,000 --> 00:37:29,840 Speaker 1: But I want to remind you it has got nothing 628 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:31,440 Speaker 1: to do with his response. 629 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:32,839 Speaker 2: All right, right right. 630 00:37:36,719 --> 00:37:41,080 Speaker 1: I'm prepared either way. If he responds by saying, Okay, 631 00:37:41,080 --> 00:37:43,120 Speaker 1: I'm going to work on it, then good. I'm prepared 632 00:37:43,160 --> 00:37:46,040 Speaker 1: to forgive you and work on it. If he responds 633 00:37:46,080 --> 00:37:48,680 Speaker 1: by not caring and continue to do it, then good, 634 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:50,160 Speaker 1: I'm prepared to show up differently. 635 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:51,960 Speaker 2: Okay, got it. 636 00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:54,759 Speaker 1: This is what healthy looks and feels like, Jeff. 637 00:37:55,360 --> 00:37:56,960 Speaker 2: I don't know if it was what type of therapy 638 00:37:57,000 --> 00:37:59,280 Speaker 2: I was listening to, but they were saying how healthy 639 00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:02,400 Speaker 2: hurts sometimes, and that was a big blow. 640 00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:06,480 Speaker 1: Well, healthy is hard. I wouldn't say healthy hurts, but 641 00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:08,120 Speaker 1: I would say healthy is hard. 642 00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:09,920 Speaker 2: Yes, absolutely. 643 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:14,600 Speaker 1: Healthy is not easy. I don't know that healthy hurts, 644 00:38:15,640 --> 00:38:19,800 Speaker 1: but you know I think of healthy. Look, my favorite 645 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:24,319 Speaker 1: food in the world is like lasagna. Should I eat 646 00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:27,880 Speaker 1: lasagna every day? No? Every now and then I have 647 00:38:27,920 --> 00:38:32,600 Speaker 1: to eat beets. This morning I had a kale salad. 648 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:35,279 Speaker 1: Like sometimes you have to, like, I've got to do 649 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:38,680 Speaker 1: the harder thing because it's healthy. And that's true physically, 650 00:38:38,920 --> 00:38:42,880 Speaker 1: you know. Like my favorite drink is what's called a 651 00:38:42,960 --> 00:38:47,560 Speaker 1: Pepsi Max raspberry and Pepsi Max. It's in Europe, and 652 00:38:47,600 --> 00:38:49,919 Speaker 1: I was in Europe a week ago and I saw 653 00:38:49,960 --> 00:38:52,560 Speaker 1: Pepsi Max Max. What did I do? I drink water. 654 00:38:53,080 --> 00:38:55,640 Speaker 1: Not because I can't make decisions based on what feels 655 00:38:55,680 --> 00:38:58,120 Speaker 1: good all the time. I have to make some decisions 656 00:38:58,120 --> 00:39:01,920 Speaker 1: based on what's healthy. And this is you making a 657 00:39:01,960 --> 00:39:04,960 Speaker 1: decision based on what's healthy. It won't feel good to 658 00:39:04,960 --> 00:39:09,239 Speaker 1: have this conversation with your dad, but it's healthy. It 659 00:39:09,320 --> 00:39:12,200 Speaker 1: might not feel good if he doesn't respond properly and 660 00:39:12,239 --> 00:39:14,240 Speaker 1: put you in a position where you have to implement 661 00:39:14,280 --> 00:39:16,280 Speaker 1: your boundary, but it's healthy. 662 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:21,600 Speaker 2: See. I want to drink the pepsi only because I 663 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:23,560 Speaker 2: haven't had it in so long. But I'm just like 664 00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:25,200 Speaker 2: that I still can't even drink the PEPSI. 665 00:39:25,960 --> 00:39:32,080 Speaker 1: You got to be healthy, and healthy requires consistent implementation 666 00:39:33,239 --> 00:39:35,279 Speaker 1: of health. You know what I'm saying, Like you might 667 00:39:35,320 --> 00:39:37,480 Speaker 1: have to consistently show up differently. 668 00:39:38,760 --> 00:39:40,920 Speaker 2: And that's what is the I feel like that's going 669 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,040 Speaker 2: to be the annoying part. Like listen, I told you. 670 00:39:44,239 --> 00:39:47,040 Speaker 1: But remember only you're only having that I told you 671 00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:50,520 Speaker 1: once response because in your head you should have gotten 672 00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:53,439 Speaker 1: it because you're expecting a response from him. I'm saying, 673 00:39:53,520 --> 00:39:58,160 Speaker 1: let go of that expectation. Okay, right, you're getting annoyed 674 00:39:58,880 --> 00:40:01,879 Speaker 1: because I already told you that yesterday. But what if 675 00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:03,839 Speaker 1: you just let go of the expectation. I don't care 676 00:40:03,880 --> 00:40:05,840 Speaker 1: if he gets it or not, because I'm only in 677 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:09,000 Speaker 1: charge of how I implement my boundary. 678 00:40:09,719 --> 00:40:10,640 Speaker 2: I'm gonna try. 679 00:40:10,400 --> 00:40:16,560 Speaker 1: It good, Okay you ready, no, but I'm going to 680 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:17,000 Speaker 1: do it. 681 00:40:17,840 --> 00:40:18,200 Speaker 2: Do it? 682 00:40:18,360 --> 00:40:19,800 Speaker 1: How do you do it today? Do you find it 683 00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:21,320 Speaker 1: that useful? Yes? 684 00:40:21,880 --> 00:40:22,319 Speaker 2: Thank you. 685 00:40:23,960 --> 00:40:27,000 Speaker 1: I want to talk directly to anyone listening who saw 686 00:40:27,080 --> 00:40:32,120 Speaker 1: themselves in Jasmine's story. If you're trying to have healthier relationships, 687 00:40:32,880 --> 00:40:38,000 Speaker 1: if you're managing emotions that feel overwhelming and unfamiliar, if 688 00:40:38,040 --> 00:40:41,280 Speaker 1: you're learning how to set boundaries without losing yourself then guilt. 689 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:44,960 Speaker 1: This conversation was for you. One of the most important 690 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:48,480 Speaker 1: troops we landed on today is this boundaries are not 691 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:52,280 Speaker 1: about getting a different response from someone else. They're about 692 00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:57,120 Speaker 1: staying aligne with who you are becoming. Jasmine came into 693 00:40:57,120 --> 00:41:00,480 Speaker 1: the session clear about her goals to better herself, to 694 00:41:00,640 --> 00:41:05,360 Speaker 1: break generational curses, and to build healthy relationships with her siblings, 695 00:41:05,719 --> 00:41:09,160 Speaker 1: and what became clear is that none of those goals 696 00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:14,280 Speaker 1: require someone else to change firth. Healthy doesn't always feel good. 697 00:41:15,120 --> 00:41:19,520 Speaker 1: Healthy is often hard, but healthy is choosing the hard 698 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:22,920 Speaker 1: that protects your peace instead of the hard that keeps 699 00:41:22,920 --> 00:41:26,120 Speaker 1: you stuck. So as you move forward, I want to 700 00:41:26,200 --> 00:41:28,719 Speaker 1: leave you with a few questions you can ask yourself 701 00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:34,520 Speaker 1: whenever these themes come up. Am I setting this boundary 702 00:41:34,560 --> 00:41:50,920 Speaker 1: to protect my growth or to get someone else to change? 703 00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:54,840 Speaker 1: What emotion am I trying to avoid by reacting instead 704 00:41:54,880 --> 00:42:11,239 Speaker 1: of pausing? If this person never changes, what do I 705 00:42:11,360 --> 00:42:25,759 Speaker 1: need to change about my access to them? Am I 706 00:42:25,920 --> 00:42:33,560 Speaker 1: measuring success by their response or by my honesty and integrity? 707 00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,799 Speaker 1: Do I truly need to understand someone's behavior to know 708 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,840 Speaker 1: why it affects my peace and why my boundary is needed. 709 00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:58,080 Speaker 1: Which version of hard am I choosing right now? Hard 710 00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:11,160 Speaker 1: and healthy or hard and familiar. Remember you are not 711 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:15,799 Speaker 1: responsible for managing other people's healing. You are responsible for 712 00:43:15,880 --> 00:43:19,520 Speaker 1: honoring your own. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next time. 713 00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:38,160 Speaker 1: I would love to hear from you about your healing journey, 714 00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:41,720 Speaker 1: your family, and your feedback. Leave a review, send a DM, 715 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,360 Speaker 1: connect with me on socials at Elliott Speaks, and you 716 00:43:44,400 --> 00:43:46,560 Speaker 1: can also send me a text message to nine seven 717 00:43:46,640 --> 00:43:50,360 Speaker 1: two four two six two six four zero. Family Therapy 718 00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:54,320 Speaker 1: is a production of iHeartRadio and The Black Effect podcast Network. 719 00:43:54,400 --> 00:43:57,600 Speaker 1: Special thanks to our assistant Glendell Seppe. It's produced by 720 00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:01,440 Speaker 1: Jack Queise Thomas and the executive producer Dolly as Bishop. 721 00:44:02,000 --> 00:44:05,360 Speaker 1: For more podcasts from The Black Effect, visit the iHeartRadio 722 00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:08,920 Speaker 1: app or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. The 723 00:44:08,960 --> 00:44:11,840 Speaker 1: content presented on the Family Therapy podcast serves solely for 724 00:44:12,000 --> 00:44:14,759 Speaker 1: educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a 725 00:44:14,760 --> 00:44:17,640 Speaker 1: replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does 726 00:44:17,680 --> 00:44:20,920 Speaker 1: not constitute a provider patient relationship. It is advisable to 727 00:44:20,960 --> 00:44:23,640 Speaker 1: consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any 728 00:44:23,640 --> 00:44:25,520 Speaker 1: specific concerns or questions you may have,