1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,240 Speaker 1: On this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 2 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:07,080 Speaker 2: Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is just let 3 00:00:07,120 --> 00:00:10,040 Speaker 2: go and honor the lessons the relationship taught you and 4 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:13,400 Speaker 2: build the relationship that you deserve and that you desire 5 00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:15,200 Speaker 2: for that stage in life, wherever you may be. 6 00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:20,799 Speaker 3: Hey, lady, have you ever felt like the world just 7 00:00:20,880 --> 00:00:24,520 Speaker 3: doesn't get you? Well, we do. 8 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:29,440 Speaker 2: Welcome to Cultivating her Space, the podcast dedicated to uplifting 9 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,120 Speaker 2: and empowering women like you. 10 00:00:32,280 --> 00:00:38,200 Speaker 3: We're your hosts, doctor Dominique Brussard, and educator and psychologists. 11 00:00:37,120 --> 00:00:40,279 Speaker 1: And Terry Lomax, a techie and transformational speaker. 12 00:00:41,200 --> 00:00:45,640 Speaker 3: Join us every week for authentic conversations about everything from 13 00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:50,440 Speaker 3: fibroids to fake friends as we create space for black 14 00:00:50,479 --> 00:00:54,000 Speaker 3: women to just be. 15 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,080 Speaker 1: Before we dive in, make sure you hit that follow 16 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:58,840 Speaker 1: button and leave us a quick five star review. Lady, 17 00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:01,960 Speaker 1: we are black founder and black owned, and your support 18 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,200 Speaker 1: will help us reach even more women like you. 19 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:09,800 Speaker 3: Now, let's get into this week's episode of Cultivating her Space. 20 00:01:11,720 --> 00:01:15,280 Speaker 1: If you're feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or unsure of your next steps, 21 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:19,280 Speaker 1: this is for you. Hey, lady, is Tea here and 22 00:01:19,319 --> 00:01:21,280 Speaker 1: I just want to invite you to my free goal 23 00:01:21,319 --> 00:01:24,120 Speaker 1: map like a pro coaching workshop, where I'll share the 24 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,959 Speaker 1: five proven steps to get unstuck and achieve your goals. 25 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:32,800 Speaker 1: Whether you're feeling overwhelmed by all your ideas, juggling scattered ideas, 26 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:36,240 Speaker 1: or maybe you just need confidence to start, this workshop 27 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:39,280 Speaker 1: will give you the clarity, tools and the motivation to 28 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:43,000 Speaker 1: take back control. Reserve your spot for free by visiting 29 00:01:43,120 --> 00:01:47,280 Speaker 1: her spacepodcast dot com and clicking on the goal map 30 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:50,200 Speaker 1: like a pro webinar link. Lady, don't miss this chance 31 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,240 Speaker 1: to build a roadmap that fits your life and set 32 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,200 Speaker 1: you up for success. 33 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,520 Speaker 4: I hope to see you there. 34 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:00,400 Speaker 3: Our quote of the day, The hardest part of ending 35 00:02:00,440 --> 00:02:07,400 Speaker 3: a bad relationship is convincing yourself that you deserve better. Okay, 36 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:11,240 Speaker 3: I'm gonna say that one more time so that we 37 00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:16,680 Speaker 3: make sure we heard that the hardest part of ending 38 00:02:16,720 --> 00:02:22,560 Speaker 3: a bad relationship is convincing yourself that you deserve better. 39 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:27,240 Speaker 3: All right, to you know, how we do what's coming 40 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:27,720 Speaker 3: up for you? 41 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,160 Speaker 4: I'm not gonna lie. 42 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:30,920 Speaker 2: There's so much coming up for me around this quote, 43 00:02:30,919 --> 00:02:32,800 Speaker 2: and I low key feel speechless, so I kind of 44 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:35,560 Speaker 2: want to defer to you, Like, what does this quote 45 00:02:35,560 --> 00:02:37,200 Speaker 2: mean to you? And what comes up for you because 46 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,400 Speaker 2: I just I'm having a flashback shout of like toxic 47 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:40,720 Speaker 2: relationships that. 48 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:43,760 Speaker 4: I ended, and yeah, it's a lie. I don't have 49 00:02:43,800 --> 00:02:45,280 Speaker 4: my words together. What would you say? 50 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:52,120 Speaker 3: So I think there's a I'm taking a small issue 51 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:57,120 Speaker 3: with some of the language and the quote, and I 52 00:02:57,320 --> 00:03:02,320 Speaker 3: want to eliminate the word bad right because I think 53 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:07,359 Speaker 3: that no matter what the what the how you describe 54 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:13,880 Speaker 3: or categorize your relationship, whether it's whether it was toxic, 55 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:20,600 Speaker 3: bad or it was okay to me, the hardest part 56 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:26,120 Speaker 3: of ending a relationship is convinced. It's truly convincing yourself 57 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:32,800 Speaker 3: that you deserve better, and it's not an indictment on 58 00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:38,600 Speaker 3: the other person. It's not an indictment on you. It's 59 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:44,840 Speaker 3: this particular dynamic is no longer serving you and you 60 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:52,440 Speaker 3: deserve better. So in in in most general terms, it 61 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:58,080 Speaker 3: could be a relationship that by a gaining all stretches 62 00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:02,240 Speaker 3: of the imagination and looking at it, it seems healthy, right, 63 00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:09,560 Speaker 3: but your goals and values aren't aligned anymore, and so 64 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:15,680 Speaker 3: in that respect, both parties deserve better and better being 65 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,520 Speaker 3: a relationship where your goals and values are aligned, and 66 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:25,000 Speaker 3: so it that can be a relationship where there was 67 00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:34,880 Speaker 3: no abuse whatsoever, There was no extenuating, huge circumstance that 68 00:04:35,120 --> 00:04:40,360 Speaker 3: caused the end of the relationship. It's you all hit 69 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:43,920 Speaker 3: a point where you are no longer in alignment, so 70 00:04:43,960 --> 00:04:45,920 Speaker 3: you have that range and then you have the range 71 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:49,880 Speaker 3: where there is all the shit happening, right, yeah, And 72 00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:53,560 Speaker 3: it's like, nah, you you like cis you do deserve 73 00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:55,400 Speaker 3: better and we need you to see that. 74 00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,400 Speaker 4: M hm girl. Okay. 75 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,919 Speaker 2: I love the way you broke that on Don because 76 00:05:01,200 --> 00:05:04,080 Speaker 2: you brought something up that's so important and for me, 77 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:08,039 Speaker 2: that is that we can end relationships and outgrow relationships 78 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:10,400 Speaker 2: and it doesn't have to be an indictment the other person. 79 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:10,760 Speaker 3: Right. 80 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:12,800 Speaker 4: That's a big thing because I think sometimes. 81 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,479 Speaker 2: We feel guilty or we feel bad, like, oh, you know, 82 00:05:16,200 --> 00:05:20,080 Speaker 2: me leaving or me making this decision, is I feel 83 00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:22,240 Speaker 2: like I'm saying this person's a bad person, right, Or 84 00:05:22,640 --> 00:05:25,839 Speaker 2: we can leave relationships that aren't toxic or abusive, and 85 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 2: that's okay too. And I love that you just emphasize 86 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,320 Speaker 2: that it could just be that we are no longer 87 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:34,159 Speaker 2: in alignment. We can part ideally amicably, right, But it 88 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:36,159 Speaker 2: doesn't have to mean that it's a bad situation or 89 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,120 Speaker 2: the person's bad or you know they're toxic. I love 90 00:05:39,320 --> 00:05:42,000 Speaker 2: I love the way you frame this. So lady, today 91 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,359 Speaker 2: we are diving into a topic that my step on 92 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,520 Speaker 2: some toes. Okay, but you know what, we're here to 93 00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:50,320 Speaker 2: have real conversations that help us grow. So before we 94 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,200 Speaker 2: get started, we just want to say that we are 95 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:57,880 Speaker 2: sharing today's episode that is rooted in our personal experiences 96 00:05:57,920 --> 00:06:00,800 Speaker 2: and perspectives because at the end of the day, only 97 00:06:00,839 --> 00:06:04,200 Speaker 2: you know your situation best, right, our goal is to 98 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,919 Speaker 2: tell you We definitely don't want to tell you what 99 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,280 Speaker 2: to do. Our goal isn't to tell you what to do, okay, 100 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:12,680 Speaker 2: it's to offer insights that might help you reflect, get 101 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,440 Speaker 2: curious about your choices, and make decisions that feel right 102 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:15,840 Speaker 2: for you. 103 00:06:16,279 --> 00:06:17,400 Speaker 4: So in this episode, we're. 104 00:06:17,279 --> 00:06:19,800 Speaker 2: Going to do a breakdown of six hard truths about 105 00:06:19,839 --> 00:06:22,440 Speaker 2: staying in a relationship for the wrong reasons. We're also 106 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:24,680 Speaker 2: going to share at the end three key tips for 107 00:06:24,839 --> 00:06:27,560 Speaker 2: leaving a relationship. There are so many tips we could 108 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,400 Speaker 2: dive into when it comes to leaving a relationship, or 109 00:06:29,480 --> 00:06:30,760 Speaker 2: we're going to focus on. 110 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:31,960 Speaker 4: The core three. 111 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:34,560 Speaker 2: So, whether you've stayed in a relationship for the kids 112 00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:38,400 Speaker 2: because of time investor, even because the sex is good. Yes, 113 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,280 Speaker 2: we're going all the way there. Okay, this is a 114 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,880 Speaker 2: judgment free zone, so we're here to unpack it all 115 00:06:42,920 --> 00:06:45,920 Speaker 2: with love, honesty, and maybe a little bit of humor. Okay, 116 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:50,200 Speaker 2: so let's jump on into this conversation now, Dom, let's 117 00:06:50,279 --> 00:06:52,640 Speaker 2: just have a conversation about the relationships that we've seen 118 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:53,120 Speaker 2: growing up. 119 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:55,400 Speaker 4: Because Dy, you may be able to relate to this. 120 00:06:55,480 --> 00:06:59,720 Speaker 2: But I have seen many relationships where people stay together 121 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:04,479 Speaker 2: for twenty, thirty, forty years, but they do not like 122 00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:08,839 Speaker 2: each other. And I think that people around get excited 123 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:11,040 Speaker 2: because of the longevity, and they'll say things like I 124 00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,960 Speaker 2: want a relationship like that. They've been together for forty years, 125 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,640 Speaker 2: but here they go cussing each other out. They don't 126 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,480 Speaker 2: really like each other. I have an assumption that they're 127 00:07:19,520 --> 00:07:22,480 Speaker 2: there staying in the relationship for the wrong reasons, which 128 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:26,440 Speaker 2: we're diving to later. But I've witnessed that in my family. 129 00:07:26,520 --> 00:07:29,640 Speaker 2: I've witnessed it with friends, where people are truly not 130 00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,880 Speaker 2: happy in relationships. And I know that there are ups 131 00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,840 Speaker 2: and downs and relationships ebbs. 132 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,800 Speaker 4: You know, they have ebbs and flow or they ebb 133 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:36,239 Speaker 4: and flow. 134 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,040 Speaker 2: But I find that in some of these relationships I'm 135 00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:42,560 Speaker 2: referring to, it appears as though, and I'm pretty sure 136 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:46,040 Speaker 2: it's true, these people were unhappy most of the time, 137 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:50,000 Speaker 2: they were no longer fulfilled. So what are your observations 138 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,120 Speaker 2: when it comes to relationships you've witnessed? 139 00:07:54,360 --> 00:08:00,040 Speaker 3: So I think that people will stay in relationships for 140 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:05,800 Speaker 3: a variety of reasons. And you know, there's that old 141 00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:09,960 Speaker 3: blues song, It's Cheaper the Keeper. What I love about 142 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:15,080 Speaker 3: blues music is that it speaks to it does speak 143 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,880 Speaker 3: to real life experiences, and it may be a little 144 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:21,080 Speaker 3: gritty and grimby, but it speaks to real life experiences. 145 00:08:21,680 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 3: And divorce is not cheap right now, in some respects 146 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:37,480 Speaker 3: is becoming cheaper than an easier to attain than in 147 00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:44,559 Speaker 3: previous decades. But I think when I reflect on growing up, 148 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:50,400 Speaker 3: there were a number of people that were in relationships, 149 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:53,760 Speaker 3: were in marriages, let me be specific, that were in 150 00:08:53,960 --> 00:09:00,320 Speaker 3: marriages that in my child's eyes, I could see, like, 151 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 3: y'all aren't happy. And this is contradictory to what we're 152 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,160 Speaker 3: being socialized to believe that marriage is supposed to be 153 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:13,800 Speaker 3: as this happy thing. What is going on here? What's 154 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:18,680 Speaker 3: really happening? Like why are y'all still together? And then 155 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,640 Speaker 3: coming into adulthood and recognizing that there are a lot 156 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:29,520 Speaker 3: of reasons why people remain married, and there are a 157 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,080 Speaker 3: lot of circumstances in which they make shifts in their 158 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:36,679 Speaker 3: marriage to make it work for them. But what I 159 00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:42,520 Speaker 3: know is that I have witnessed a number of Black 160 00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:50,640 Speaker 3: women remaining in relationships that are not serving them at all, 161 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:57,400 Speaker 3: and the six reasons that we'll talk about today, Like 162 00:09:58,440 --> 00:10:01,480 Speaker 3: I know people who we have stayed in state in 163 00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:06,559 Speaker 3: relationships for those six reasons. In some instances, it was 164 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:12,840 Speaker 3: because of all six. In other situations it may have 165 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:20,600 Speaker 3: been one or two. But my hope is that as 166 00:10:20,679 --> 00:10:27,880 Speaker 3: we continue to build community amongst black women, that we 167 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:34,280 Speaker 3: release some of the shame and guilt associated with staying 168 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:39,280 Speaker 3: in relationships that aren't serving us, and we learn to 169 00:10:40,559 --> 00:10:49,320 Speaker 3: love ourselves first, tap into our community and find the 170 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,120 Speaker 3: strength and the resources, because I want to acknowledge that 171 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,880 Speaker 3: there are some instances where it is about resources to 172 00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:59,840 Speaker 3: leave relationships that aren't serving us. 173 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:02,959 Speaker 4: I love that Domond. 174 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,000 Speaker 2: Before we dive into some of these tips here, I 175 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,920 Speaker 2: just wanted to emphasize that again, lady, we're not telling 176 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,360 Speaker 2: you what to do we're just kind of presenting some 177 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,000 Speaker 2: of the observations that we've made, and I want to 178 00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:17,319 Speaker 2: ground ourselves in these troops before we dive into these tips. 179 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:20,160 Speaker 2: And one is you deserve to be happy, You deserve 180 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:25,400 Speaker 2: to be fulfilled. And this episode can be for folks 181 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,559 Speaker 2: that are considering divorce or separating from a long term 182 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,520 Speaker 2: relationship or a short term relationship. But I know as 183 00:11:31,559 --> 00:11:33,720 Speaker 2: someone who has gone through a divorce after a long 184 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,959 Speaker 2: term relationship, people often see divorces failure, and I think 185 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:41,240 Speaker 2: that sometimes the reframing is important, and I think the 186 00:11:41,280 --> 00:11:44,160 Speaker 2: divorce can also be a courageous step towards reclaiming your 187 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:48,440 Speaker 2: happiness and authenticity. And there is peace and joy on 188 00:11:48,520 --> 00:11:50,880 Speaker 2: the other side of our relationship that is not fulfilling you. 189 00:11:51,480 --> 00:11:53,320 Speaker 2: And sometimes when you're in the midst of it and 190 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,080 Speaker 2: you feel stuff and you feel like you don't know 191 00:11:55,080 --> 00:11:56,960 Speaker 2: what to do or don't know where to go, it's 192 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,840 Speaker 2: easier to just see what's in front of you and 193 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,000 Speaker 2: not see the possibilities of what could be. 194 00:12:01,679 --> 00:12:04,640 Speaker 4: So with that said, don I. 195 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:07,839 Speaker 3: Want to add one more caveat before we dive into 196 00:12:07,920 --> 00:12:13,280 Speaker 3: this conversation. What we are talking about today. We are 197 00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:22,640 Speaker 3: not talking about relationships where there is intimate partner violence. Yes, lady, 198 00:12:22,679 --> 00:12:26,360 Speaker 3: if that is what you are experiencing, we want you 199 00:12:26,559 --> 00:12:31,360 Speaker 3: to access the resources necessary to help you determine what 200 00:12:31,640 --> 00:12:37,520 Speaker 3: are your next best steps because that domestic violence, intimate 201 00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:44,560 Speaker 3: partner violence, those situations are different require a much higher 202 00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:52,320 Speaker 3: level of care and intentionality than what we're speaking about today. 203 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,000 Speaker 3: And it's not to say that what we're talking about 204 00:12:55,000 --> 00:13:00,720 Speaker 3: today aren't aspects within those types of relationships, but we are. 205 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:05,400 Speaker 3: I'm very clear that we are not addressing the dynamics 206 00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:09,439 Speaker 3: of what happens when you're in an abusive relationship. And lady, 207 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,880 Speaker 3: if that is what you are currently experiencing, we'll have 208 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:16,000 Speaker 3: some resources in the show notes for you to get 209 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:19,840 Speaker 3: the help that you need. All right, so let's dive in. 210 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:25,840 Speaker 3: Let's talk about why we sometimes stay in relationships that 211 00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:30,360 Speaker 3: are no longer serving us. Now, this first one, I 212 00:13:30,400 --> 00:13:33,679 Speaker 3: already know we might have some people coming for us 213 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:38,600 Speaker 3: in the comments, but it needs to be said, we 214 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:42,400 Speaker 3: in the year of twenty twenty five, are no longer 215 00:13:42,440 --> 00:13:46,760 Speaker 3: staying in relationships for the kids. Staying together for the kids. 216 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:52,439 Speaker 3: On the surface may seem like a noble thing to do, 217 00:13:53,640 --> 00:14:01,400 Speaker 3: the reality is that it's actually doing more harm. So kids, 218 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:09,720 Speaker 3: no matter what age they are, are observant. They pick 219 00:14:09,800 --> 00:14:13,560 Speaker 3: up on the energy. No matter how hard you try 220 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:17,640 Speaker 3: to hide it, they pick up on the energy. If 221 00:14:17,679 --> 00:14:24,960 Speaker 3: you think about your toddler who no longer wants to 222 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:30,680 Speaker 3: be around daddy because maybe they've witnessed daddy yelling at mommy, 223 00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:39,560 Speaker 3: or you think about that teenage daughter that is speaking 224 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:45,080 Speaker 3: to mom disrespectfully because she witnesses daddy doing it, or 225 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:55,320 Speaker 3: she starts engaging in unhealthy relationship practices because parents are 226 00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,880 Speaker 3: so checked out that they aren't talking to her about 227 00:14:57,920 --> 00:15:01,760 Speaker 3: relationships and she has no model in the home for 228 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:06,040 Speaker 3: a healthy relationship dynamic. So even when you think you 229 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:12,960 Speaker 3: are hiding the tension or whatever the unhealthy dynamics might be, 230 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:20,480 Speaker 3: kids are observing. And what ends up happening is if 231 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:26,800 Speaker 3: you decide to stay in that relationship, those kids end 232 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:31,480 Speaker 3: up in therapy as adults processing what it means like 233 00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:35,680 Speaker 3: the relationship that was modeled for them at home and 234 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:38,480 Speaker 3: trying to work through and figure out why they have 235 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:47,400 Speaker 3: unhealthy communication patterns or why they're finding themselves in unhealthy 236 00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:53,640 Speaker 3: relationships repeatedly, Oh yeah, it's because what was modeled at home. 237 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,920 Speaker 3: If you make the decision to leave a relationship because 238 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,680 Speaker 3: it is no longer serving you, and you have the 239 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,960 Speaker 3: age appropriate conversation with your kids around what is going on, 240 00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:12,840 Speaker 3: you are setting them up for not only healthier relationships 241 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:21,640 Speaker 3: in their adult future, but also more loving, kinder, healthy 242 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:24,600 Speaker 3: relationships with you as the parents. 243 00:16:25,160 --> 00:16:27,680 Speaker 2: A mean to that, DOM, I will say, as someone 244 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:31,920 Speaker 2: who grew up in a very dysfunctional and abusive household, 245 00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,560 Speaker 2: I watched my parents. They were together for you know, 246 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:38,200 Speaker 2: some time, but it was so unhealthy and it was 247 00:16:38,280 --> 00:16:41,760 Speaker 2: so traumatic witnessing that. And so I often hear people 248 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,360 Speaker 2: say things like, oh, but I want my child to 249 00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:45,640 Speaker 2: be in a two parent household. Well, if you had 250 00:16:45,640 --> 00:16:49,000 Speaker 2: to compare a two parent household with unhealthy habits versus 251 00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:52,920 Speaker 2: a single parent household with healthy habits, I personally would 252 00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:55,520 Speaker 2: choose a single household right because, like you said, DOM, 253 00:16:55,680 --> 00:16:59,360 Speaker 2: children learn about relationships by observing the dynamics in their home. 254 00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,800 Speaker 2: See constant conflict, a lack of respect or a lack 255 00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,880 Speaker 2: of respect, or emotional disconnection. They will likely internalize those 256 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:09,400 Speaker 2: patterns as normal. And like you said, most people won't 257 00:17:09,480 --> 00:17:10,880 Speaker 2: end up in therapy. They're gonna be en up therapy 258 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,439 Speaker 2: talking about you and about what happened. Right, And so 259 00:17:13,560 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 2: even if the tension, even if the tension isn't overt, 260 00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:21,160 Speaker 2: kids are intuitive and they can sense unhappiness and ask 261 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,679 Speaker 2: me how I know because during my separation, I think 262 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:26,120 Speaker 2: my daughter was around two or so when we first 263 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,840 Speaker 2: initiated the separation. And when I tell you, I'm grateful 264 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,800 Speaker 2: that things happened at the age she was at because 265 00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:35,600 Speaker 2: now we know she's turning four and we have a normalcy. 266 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:37,760 Speaker 2: She knows that Momy and Daddy have their own homes, 267 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:40,400 Speaker 2: she knows that she's loved by both, and all she 268 00:17:40,440 --> 00:17:44,080 Speaker 2: sees is good energy and black love between her parents, 269 00:17:44,119 --> 00:17:46,439 Speaker 2: which is the most beautiful thing ever. Right, And so 270 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:49,479 Speaker 2: I think that while two parent household may seem ideal, 271 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:55,119 Speaker 2: what children truly need is stability a loving environment. And 272 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,200 Speaker 2: that's whether it comes from one or two homes or people. 273 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,720 Speaker 2: And so I think prioritizing your own happiness and modeling 274 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,720 Speaker 2: self respect it teaches our children that love should be 275 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:08,800 Speaker 2: healthy and not forced. Right, it shouldn't be forced. Yeah, 276 00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,399 Speaker 2: it shouldn't be forced. And so I think that that 277 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:13,240 Speaker 2: is so important dom and it may seem noble to 278 00:18:13,359 --> 00:18:15,359 Speaker 2: like say, oh, I'm going to stay till for the 279 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:18,040 Speaker 2: kids until they turn eighteen. And so in the midst 280 00:18:18,080 --> 00:18:20,439 Speaker 2: of all that, you're navigating being with someone that you 281 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,240 Speaker 2: don't want to be with. So you're not going to 282 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:24,080 Speaker 2: show up in the most loving way. Y'all are probably 283 00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:26,480 Speaker 2: not going to have the healthiest dynamic. And I can't 284 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,920 Speaker 2: tell you how many friends I talk to who witness 285 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:30,600 Speaker 2: their parents stay together and they're like, oh, I knew 286 00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:32,600 Speaker 2: they hated each other. Oh I knew, Like they pick 287 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:36,359 Speaker 2: up on the vibes. So no, the sooner you can 288 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 2: establish that and just be honest and transparent, because as 289 00:18:39,359 --> 00:18:42,960 Speaker 2: soon as you start lying, kids be knowing, y'all, keep 290 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,480 Speaker 2: you knowing. And a friend of mine went through a 291 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:50,240 Speaker 2: similar situation of divorce and her child was older and girl, 292 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:55,400 Speaker 2: the stuff that this child witnessed, I mean, the child 293 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:57,240 Speaker 2: ended up going to therapy at a young age, but 294 00:18:57,280 --> 00:18:59,359 Speaker 2: they witnessed so much because these parents were trying to 295 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:03,520 Speaker 2: force something that was past due. Basically, So, yep, if 296 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:06,960 Speaker 2: you can avoid staying with staying for the kids, let's 297 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:08,600 Speaker 2: try to just let's try to avoid it. 298 00:19:09,280 --> 00:19:09,520 Speaker 4: Yep. 299 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,760 Speaker 3: And if you and when you get to the point 300 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:14,239 Speaker 3: where you're like, Okay, it's time for us to separate. Like, 301 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,639 Speaker 3: depending on the age of the child, therapy is appropriate. 302 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:21,960 Speaker 3: Therapy is a viable option to help the child, help 303 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:26,560 Speaker 3: you all as a family navigate the change in the dynamics. 304 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:28,440 Speaker 4: Okay, y'all. 305 00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:32,159 Speaker 2: So number two is staying in the relationship because of 306 00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:35,639 Speaker 2: time invested. This is one that comes up a lot 307 00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:39,119 Speaker 2: within my friend group when we're talking about relationships and 308 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:43,240 Speaker 2: the idea of this sunk cost right, it can trap 309 00:19:43,320 --> 00:19:45,840 Speaker 2: us in situations that no longer serve us. It's easy 310 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:48,359 Speaker 2: to think, oh, I've already put so much into this relationship, 311 00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:51,119 Speaker 2: I can't leave now. But staying just because you've been 312 00:19:51,160 --> 00:19:53,359 Speaker 2: together for years doesn't mean the relationship is right for 313 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:56,440 Speaker 2: you right. Time is a resource you can't get back, 314 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,919 Speaker 2: and continuing to invest in something that's unfulfilling only as 315 00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:04,280 Speaker 2: to the loss and instead of you know, doing that, 316 00:20:04,359 --> 00:20:06,120 Speaker 2: I think it's ideal for you to reflect on whether 317 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:10,280 Speaker 2: the relationship support your growth, happiness, your future goals, because 318 00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:12,479 Speaker 2: sometimes the bravest thing you can do is just let 319 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:15,520 Speaker 2: go and honor the lessons the relationship taught you and 320 00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,880 Speaker 2: build the relationship that you deserve and that you desire 321 00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,679 Speaker 2: for that stage in life wherever you may be. 322 00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:23,840 Speaker 3: Yes. And I think, you know, I think that's a 323 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:29,960 Speaker 3: great point. I think, you know, someone wants shared with 324 00:20:30,080 --> 00:20:34,200 Speaker 3: me that they stayed in a relationship and they felt 325 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:38,639 Speaker 3: guilty afterwards when the relationship ended. They felt guilty because 326 00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,359 Speaker 3: they felt like they took the best years of that 327 00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:46,399 Speaker 3: part of their partner's life. So they were in a 328 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:52,760 Speaker 3: relationship in their early to mid thirties, and we know 329 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:59,760 Speaker 3: that for women that tends to be prime time for 330 00:21:00,600 --> 00:21:05,720 Speaker 3: having babies, that after thirty five it becomes more difficult, right, 331 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:08,640 Speaker 3: And so they were in a relationship I think from 332 00:21:08,680 --> 00:21:12,960 Speaker 3: like their late twenties to their mid thirties. Relationship ended, 333 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:18,719 Speaker 3: so it was like a seven eight year relationship and 334 00:21:18,760 --> 00:21:20,960 Speaker 3: it ended. There were no kids that were had, and 335 00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:23,439 Speaker 3: you know, and this person knew that they had no 336 00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:29,600 Speaker 3: intention on marrying this marrying the woman, and they expressed 337 00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:35,000 Speaker 3: feeling guilty years later, feeling guilty about staying in that 338 00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:38,400 Speaker 3: relationship knowing that they didn't have any attention on marrying 339 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:44,439 Speaker 3: that person because they took away that woman's prime child 340 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:50,480 Speaker 3: bearing years. And so, yeah, we're not staying in relationships 341 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:54,320 Speaker 3: because of the time that's put in anymore. It could 342 00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:58,800 Speaker 3: be fifty years and if that relationship is no longer 343 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:02,639 Speaker 3: serving you and you all have talked about it and 344 00:22:04,040 --> 00:22:10,800 Speaker 3: try to work through whatever the concerns are. Okay, fifty years, 345 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:12,160 Speaker 3: we're out of here, We're done. 346 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:15,240 Speaker 4: Yeah, don that's such a good point. 347 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:17,840 Speaker 2: And I understand that, like I understand the idea behind it, 348 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:20,119 Speaker 2: like I've already put so much into it. But to me, 349 00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,080 Speaker 2: the way I kind of see it is like pouring 350 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,119 Speaker 2: water into a bucket with the whole like you just 351 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,120 Speaker 2: keep on doing that, but you know it's not fulfilling 352 00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,040 Speaker 2: to you. You know it's gonna end up inevitably either 353 00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,080 Speaker 2: ending or you're just going to be so unhappy. 354 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:33,520 Speaker 4: So yeah, that's a good one. 355 00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:40,080 Speaker 3: Yes. So then that takes us to this next one. Now, lady, 356 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:43,119 Speaker 3: depending on where your values are, this one may be 357 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:48,000 Speaker 3: a tough one for you staying in a relationship solely 358 00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:54,639 Speaker 3: because the sex is good. I think I want to 359 00:22:54,680 --> 00:23:02,159 Speaker 3: stress in this moment the power of the vagina and 360 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:08,439 Speaker 3: recognizing that there is so much power, there is so 361 00:23:08,680 --> 00:23:12,000 Speaker 3: much that comes from what we who we are, what 362 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:18,600 Speaker 3: we bring to the table as women, that even if 363 00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:23,679 Speaker 3: your partner is bringing good sex you're actually probably bringing 364 00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:27,080 Speaker 3: more just by the nature of you having of a giant. 365 00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:32,520 Speaker 3: So I want to also acknowledge that there may be 366 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:35,919 Speaker 3: times where we are solely in it. Like we are 367 00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:40,760 Speaker 3: very clear that this is no romantic nothing happening here. 368 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,480 Speaker 3: I am here for the sex and that is it. 369 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:45,520 Speaker 4: Yes. 370 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:55,160 Speaker 3: The problem is that oftentimes we don't separate. We say, oh, 371 00:23:55,200 --> 00:24:00,600 Speaker 3: I'm only here for the sex, but you end up 372 00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:06,280 Speaker 3: turning this person into the person who goes with you 373 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:12,080 Speaker 3: to work functions, family functions, shows up at your house 374 00:24:12,119 --> 00:24:16,000 Speaker 3: every day. Now y'all are in a relationship that is 375 00:24:16,040 --> 00:24:20,520 Speaker 3: not just sex, and when you start confusing those things 376 00:24:20,640 --> 00:24:25,320 Speaker 3: without clarifying that there has been a change in the 377 00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:32,680 Speaker 3: terms of agreement, that creates a problem. And now you're 378 00:24:32,680 --> 00:24:37,480 Speaker 3: in a situation where you all initially agreed that y'all 379 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:42,200 Speaker 3: were just having sex, but you've changed expectations. You're expecting 380 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:48,439 Speaker 3: relationship things. They're still behaving under the this is just sex, 381 00:24:48,920 --> 00:24:52,640 Speaker 3: and now your feelings are hurt because they are still 382 00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:57,120 Speaker 3: behaving as if this is just sex, but you are 383 00:24:57,160 --> 00:25:02,080 Speaker 3: wanting more and expecting them to be with more, and 384 00:25:02,119 --> 00:25:05,800 Speaker 3: you're disappointed because they're not. If the only thing if 385 00:25:05,800 --> 00:25:09,480 Speaker 3: the terms of agreement is that we're only having sex. 386 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:11,600 Speaker 3: We're only here for the sex. Keep it at that. 387 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:16,320 Speaker 3: And if you can't keep it at that, you need 388 00:25:16,359 --> 00:25:20,119 Speaker 3: to revisit the terms of agreement or let it go, 389 00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,280 Speaker 3: no matter how good it is, because you will find 390 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:28,040 Speaker 3: another one with the goods. Okay, there are more than 391 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:28,720 Speaker 3: one out there. 392 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,679 Speaker 2: Yes, that is a good reminded child, because sometimes when 393 00:25:31,720 --> 00:25:33,560 Speaker 2: that thing is good, you'll be like, but this is 394 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:34,080 Speaker 2: what I want. 395 00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:36,600 Speaker 4: God. I feel like he was telling my business dumb. 396 00:25:36,640 --> 00:25:38,560 Speaker 4: Oh my gosh, because like. 397 00:25:38,560 --> 00:25:41,040 Speaker 2: You said, sometimes it starts off at once it's one thing, 398 00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:44,040 Speaker 2: but then you start having these expectations. And so I 399 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,479 Speaker 2: love that you started off by saying there are phases 400 00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,439 Speaker 2: in life, y'all. Where we are it's just for this, 401 00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,199 Speaker 2: I'm just here for the sex, and that's okay. But 402 00:25:50,240 --> 00:25:52,680 Speaker 2: I think it's when we have the expectations that make 403 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:55,439 Speaker 2: it different. And the thing about great sex is that 404 00:25:55,480 --> 00:25:57,840 Speaker 2: it can create a strong bond, but it can also. 405 00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:58,760 Speaker 4: Cloud our judgment. 406 00:25:59,119 --> 00:26:02,480 Speaker 2: You know, we've talked about demon Dick in the previous episode, 407 00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:06,720 Speaker 2: and cloud our judgment, right, And while physical intimacy is important, 408 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:10,639 Speaker 2: it's only one aspect of a relationship one aspect of 409 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 2: a healthy, sustainable relationship. 410 00:26:12,960 --> 00:26:13,160 Speaker 3: Yep. 411 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:18,919 Speaker 2: And when we lack emotional connection, then you know the 412 00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:21,240 Speaker 2: trust might be broken. Great sex can act like a 413 00:26:21,280 --> 00:26:24,560 Speaker 2: temporary distraction from deeper issues, as I'm sure many of 414 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,199 Speaker 2: us have experienced. So I think it's important to ask ourselves. 415 00:26:27,280 --> 00:26:30,560 Speaker 2: Do I feel seeing respected and supported outside of the bedroom? 416 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,480 Speaker 3: Yes, that's a great question. 417 00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,800 Speaker 2: Because when I think about the great sex situation I 418 00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:39,480 Speaker 2: had the situationship, I did not feel any of that 419 00:26:39,520 --> 00:26:41,200 Speaker 2: outside the bedroom, and so I had to get I 420 00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:43,360 Speaker 2: had to let myself. Even though the person still wanted 421 00:26:43,359 --> 00:26:45,040 Speaker 2: to have sex. I was like, I can't hen, this 422 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:46,880 Speaker 2: is too much for me. I can't do it. So 423 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,159 Speaker 2: if the answer is no to those questions, and may 424 00:26:49,200 --> 00:26:52,200 Speaker 2: be time to reevaluate whether the relationship is truly fulfilling 425 00:26:52,560 --> 00:26:54,760 Speaker 2: or if you're staying for the physical connection alone. 426 00:26:56,240 --> 00:27:00,600 Speaker 3: Oh great question to ask, all right. So then the 427 00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:05,000 Speaker 3: reason that we say that we probably should not, which 428 00:27:05,480 --> 00:27:07,439 Speaker 3: a lot of people can get caught up in, and 429 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:11,160 Speaker 3: we have a whole episode about this, the sphere of 430 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:18,359 Speaker 3: being alone. So you're staying in a relationship because you 431 00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:25,080 Speaker 3: are afraid of being by yourself, afraid of what it 432 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:30,359 Speaker 3: would look like to be by yourself. I think the 433 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:37,439 Speaker 3: thing to ask yourself is is this relationship is the 434 00:27:38,680 --> 00:27:42,760 Speaker 3: Are the feelings that I have currently in this relationship 435 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:50,680 Speaker 3: more important than what I can gain by being alone? 436 00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:54,200 Speaker 3: If you are in a situation in a relationship where 437 00:27:55,640 --> 00:28:03,840 Speaker 3: you don't feel seen, heard, or valued, give yourself these 438 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:09,520 Speaker 3: gifts of being seen, heard, and valued. I understand that 439 00:28:09,680 --> 00:28:15,040 Speaker 3: being alone can be difficult for a lot of us 440 00:28:15,080 --> 00:28:21,560 Speaker 3: when we've been socialized to constantly be around others. But 441 00:28:21,640 --> 00:28:27,359 Speaker 3: the gift of being alone is that it allows you 442 00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:35,000 Speaker 3: to truly see what you like, what you need, what 443 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:40,160 Speaker 3: you want, and then you are able to communicate that 444 00:28:40,960 --> 00:28:47,440 Speaker 3: with other people, whether it's a romantic relationship or friends 445 00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:53,920 Speaker 3: and family, and knowing what it means, knowing how to 446 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:59,160 Speaker 3: be alone and thrive in being alone makes you less 447 00:28:59,200 --> 00:29:07,040 Speaker 3: susceptible two unhealthy dynamics. Whether no matter what the situation, 448 00:29:07,200 --> 00:29:12,080 Speaker 3: whether it's at work or with friends and family or 449 00:29:12,080 --> 00:29:16,040 Speaker 3: in a romantic partnership, you've got to be able to 450 00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:23,960 Speaker 3: have trust within yourself have love for yourself, which comes 451 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,640 Speaker 3: from spending time alone. 452 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,760 Speaker 2: Meant to that dom And I would also add that 453 00:29:30,240 --> 00:29:33,400 Speaker 2: when you stay in a relationship just to avoid being single. 454 00:29:33,440 --> 00:29:36,200 Speaker 2: It means that you're choosing comfort over authenticity, so you're 455 00:29:36,240 --> 00:29:39,840 Speaker 2: probably not being your true self and being your full self. 456 00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:42,800 Speaker 2: And as two single women, I will tell you I 457 00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:44,880 Speaker 2: love being alone. And there have been phases of my 458 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,920 Speaker 2: journey where it has been uncomfortable, especially being in a 459 00:29:47,960 --> 00:29:49,920 Speaker 2: long term relationship and then being single again. 460 00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:51,400 Speaker 4: It was like, oh, I have to get used to 461 00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:53,320 Speaker 4: this again, and I'm used to it now. 462 00:29:53,600 --> 00:29:56,480 Speaker 2: But by embracing that solitude, it can be a great 463 00:29:56,520 --> 00:29:59,080 Speaker 2: way for us to again, like you said, get to 464 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,400 Speaker 2: know ourselves, know what we like. But also it allows 465 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,680 Speaker 2: us to approach relationships from a place of self love 466 00:30:03,720 --> 00:30:07,400 Speaker 2: and confidence rather than desperation or fear, because when we 467 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:12,840 Speaker 2: are desperate and fearful, usually we attract the N word. 468 00:30:13,040 --> 00:30:15,800 Speaker 2: Y'all already know the narcissists, right, and they feed on 469 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:17,960 Speaker 2: that and so they know, oh, this person is needy 470 00:30:18,280 --> 00:30:20,920 Speaker 2: or they know they want my energy, and so they 471 00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:22,760 Speaker 2: show up in a certain way. So it can make 472 00:30:22,840 --> 00:30:26,280 Speaker 2: us susceptible to those types of energies. So I think 473 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,080 Speaker 2: it's time, lady, for us to move to number five. 474 00:30:28,840 --> 00:30:32,520 Speaker 2: So the fifth reason why some people stay in relationships 475 00:30:32,560 --> 00:30:35,000 Speaker 2: but ideally we shouldn't. I know, this is a tough one, y'all. 476 00:30:35,400 --> 00:30:38,720 Speaker 2: It's because of financial dependence. So I think the caveat 477 00:30:38,720 --> 00:30:42,560 Speaker 2: here Dom is that again, it may take a lot 478 00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:46,960 Speaker 2: of planning, right, a lot of intentionality, and a lot 479 00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:50,000 Speaker 2: of creativity to leave a situation that we are financially 480 00:30:50,040 --> 00:30:52,600 Speaker 2: dependent on. And we are not referring to financial abuse 481 00:30:52,680 --> 00:30:55,160 Speaker 2: by any means when we talk about this kind of 482 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:57,080 Speaker 2: going back to what Dom said in the beginning, But 483 00:30:57,160 --> 00:30:59,720 Speaker 2: when it comes to financial dependence, I think a lot 484 00:30:59,720 --> 00:31:02,600 Speaker 2: of people people stay in relationships because it can create 485 00:31:02,640 --> 00:31:06,920 Speaker 2: feelings of I don't know, security in some ways, right, 486 00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:10,920 Speaker 2: it can create a sense of security, and that's important, 487 00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,280 Speaker 2: especially in the state of the world that we're in 488 00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,080 Speaker 2: stability and security. But I think what happens is it 489 00:31:16,120 --> 00:31:20,400 Speaker 2: often creates feelings of resentment or imbalance or even entrapment. 490 00:31:20,760 --> 00:31:20,960 Speaker 4: Right. 491 00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:24,160 Speaker 2: And so while money is a practical concern, it's important 492 00:31:24,200 --> 00:31:27,120 Speaker 2: to explore options for gaining independence. So exploring what does 493 00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:29,040 Speaker 2: it look like for me to bring in my own 494 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,840 Speaker 2: source of income, right, So this might mean seeking out 495 00:31:31,880 --> 00:31:35,840 Speaker 2: supportive friends or families, seeking financial counseling, or creating a 496 00:31:35,840 --> 00:31:38,440 Speaker 2: step by step plan to become more self sufficient. 497 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,880 Speaker 3: Yeah, and I think with that too, part of that 498 00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:45,080 Speaker 3: financial dependence. What may come along with that is a 499 00:31:45,120 --> 00:31:49,680 Speaker 3: certain lifestyle, right, And what happens is is that you 500 00:31:49,800 --> 00:31:54,520 Speaker 3: may stay in a relationship because maybe your partner is 501 00:31:54,560 --> 00:31:59,440 Speaker 3: the breadwinner and because they are making more money than 502 00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:04,760 Speaker 3: eificantly more money than you, it has afforded you all 503 00:32:04,800 --> 00:32:09,560 Speaker 3: a lifestyle. Or maybe it's the combined income that has 504 00:32:09,640 --> 00:32:15,480 Speaker 3: afforded the both of you a certain lifestyle that feels comfortable, 505 00:32:15,560 --> 00:32:21,120 Speaker 3: feels easy and enjoyable. And if you all were to separate, 506 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:28,680 Speaker 3: you there's a risk of losing that lifestyle. And I 507 00:32:28,760 --> 00:32:33,160 Speaker 3: get it. You create a certain lifestyle for yourself and 508 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:41,840 Speaker 3: have certain standards. It's hard to pull back on that. However, 509 00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:46,680 Speaker 3: like Terry pointed out, make a plan. So if you 510 00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:51,080 Speaker 3: know that like your partner, you know being with this 511 00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:59,680 Speaker 3: particular person allows you all to have all the streaming services, right, 512 00:33:00,840 --> 00:33:04,640 Speaker 3: you go get your hair and nails done every two weeks, right, 513 00:33:06,800 --> 00:33:09,960 Speaker 3: and if you all were to separate, you no longer 514 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,200 Speaker 3: could do those things. Okay, So now it's yeah, go 515 00:33:13,240 --> 00:33:17,000 Speaker 3: work with a financial planner and figure out look at 516 00:33:17,040 --> 00:33:19,840 Speaker 3: your budget and think about what are the things that 517 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:24,520 Speaker 3: you can realistically afford to do on your own. You 518 00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:28,960 Speaker 3: know what I frequently hear people talk about is when 519 00:33:28,960 --> 00:33:34,320 Speaker 3: you are in a relationship and you're combining finances to 520 00:33:34,440 --> 00:33:37,760 Speaker 3: the extent that you can learn to live off of 521 00:33:37,920 --> 00:33:42,640 Speaker 3: one person's salary, preferably the person with the smallest income. 522 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:46,920 Speaker 3: And if you all can survive on one person's salary, 523 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:54,160 Speaker 3: then when life throws curveballs, like maybe somebody becomes unemployed, 524 00:33:55,440 --> 00:33:58,480 Speaker 3: or maybe there's a medical emergency that causes someone to 525 00:33:58,520 --> 00:34:01,800 Speaker 3: lose their job, maybe someone got laid off, whatever it is, 526 00:34:02,200 --> 00:34:06,720 Speaker 3: where there's a loss of income, you're able to manage. 527 00:34:07,960 --> 00:34:10,600 Speaker 2: Of course, when it comes to this topic, lady, if 528 00:34:10,600 --> 00:34:13,799 Speaker 2: it resonates, great, keep it. If it don't, put it down, 529 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:16,520 Speaker 2: share it, give it away. But one thing my grandmother 530 00:34:16,520 --> 00:34:18,839 Speaker 2: always told me was always have your own so you 531 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,200 Speaker 2: always have a side bank account. 532 00:34:20,200 --> 00:34:21,319 Speaker 4: It doesn't have to be a sneaky thing. 533 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:22,839 Speaker 2: It's like you have your own, you have a side 534 00:34:22,880 --> 00:34:25,120 Speaker 2: bank account, and you always just put some money in 535 00:34:25,120 --> 00:34:27,000 Speaker 2: there for a rainy day for yourself, because at the 536 00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:28,960 Speaker 2: end of the day, I believe that we need to 537 00:34:29,000 --> 00:34:31,440 Speaker 2: be our own Like sometimes we have to be the 538 00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:33,360 Speaker 2: hero of our own story, and we need to be 539 00:34:33,520 --> 00:34:36,319 Speaker 2: prepared to make a shift in case something does come up. 540 00:34:36,320 --> 00:34:38,319 Speaker 2: So I think that's always a good pro tip as 541 00:34:38,360 --> 00:34:40,920 Speaker 2: a woman in general is like always put something aside. 542 00:34:41,200 --> 00:34:44,880 Speaker 2: So this takes us to number six, which is sometimes 543 00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,440 Speaker 2: we stay in relationships because we want to avoid starting over. 544 00:34:47,760 --> 00:34:50,160 Speaker 2: And I get it, I get it, I get it. 545 00:34:50,200 --> 00:34:53,000 Speaker 2: Starting over can feel daunting, especially if you've been in 546 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,880 Speaker 2: a relationship for a long time, and the idea of 547 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:59,120 Speaker 2: putting yourself out there again, navigating the dating world or 548 00:34:59,160 --> 00:35:02,399 Speaker 2: rebuilding your life can be overwhelming, especially when everybody's out 549 00:35:02,400 --> 00:35:05,760 Speaker 2: here saying the dating pool has pissed in it okay, 550 00:35:07,280 --> 00:35:10,000 Speaker 2: But staying in a relationship out of fear of the 551 00:35:10,120 --> 00:35:12,760 Speaker 2: unknown it can often keep us stuck in a cycle 552 00:35:12,760 --> 00:35:16,320 Speaker 2: of unhappiness, and growth requires stepping out of our comfort 553 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:20,840 Speaker 2: zone and embracing change. So while starting over can feel 554 00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:25,279 Speaker 2: scary at first, it also opens the door to new opportunities, connections, 555 00:35:25,320 --> 00:35:28,480 Speaker 2: and the possibility of finding a love that truly aligns 556 00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,719 Speaker 2: with who you are. So be hopeful. And I think 557 00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:34,040 Speaker 2: it all depends on your mindset and what you believe 558 00:35:34,080 --> 00:35:36,319 Speaker 2: about yourself and what you believe about your reality, So 559 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:38,920 Speaker 2: it really it depends on your perspective about this. So 560 00:35:38,920 --> 00:35:42,239 Speaker 2: I think that shifting your perspective on all these and 561 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,279 Speaker 2: having a more positive perspective about what's possible for you, 562 00:35:45,320 --> 00:35:46,000 Speaker 2: that it's so key. 563 00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:49,440 Speaker 3: Yes, I agree with that, And I think thinking about 564 00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,799 Speaker 3: like what is it like when you start a new 565 00:35:51,920 --> 00:35:57,279 Speaker 3: job right or you move to a new city, reminding 566 00:35:57,360 --> 00:36:02,319 Speaker 3: yourself that you've done this before, and if you've done 567 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:06,600 Speaker 3: it before, you can do it again. And if you've 568 00:36:06,640 --> 00:36:09,560 Speaker 3: done it before, that means you survived and you're here, 569 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:14,799 Speaker 3: so you can definitely do it again. And so I 570 00:36:14,840 --> 00:36:19,560 Speaker 3: think you know, yes, that fear is very real, like 571 00:36:19,800 --> 00:36:22,000 Speaker 3: of not wanting to have to start over and the 572 00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:26,400 Speaker 3: things that come along with starting over. But I think 573 00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:33,600 Speaker 3: if you refrain how you look at it, reframe it 574 00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:40,120 Speaker 3: as opportunity to get the life you deserve, to get 575 00:36:40,160 --> 00:36:46,399 Speaker 3: the happiness you deserve, and again, reminding yourself that you've 576 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:50,160 Speaker 3: done it before so you can do it again, will 577 00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:54,680 Speaker 3: make it easier for you to make that decision to 578 00:36:54,800 --> 00:36:55,640 Speaker 3: stop avoiding. 579 00:36:56,640 --> 00:36:58,760 Speaker 2: All right, ladies, So now we're going to talk about 580 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:01,760 Speaker 2: three key tips from leaving a relationship. To be honest, 581 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:03,759 Speaker 2: this could have been a whole episode, So we only 582 00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:06,799 Speaker 2: wanted to focus on like three core tips, although there 583 00:37:06,800 --> 00:37:09,279 Speaker 2: are plenty that we could have shared here. So the 584 00:37:09,320 --> 00:37:12,520 Speaker 2: first one is to tap into your support system. So 585 00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:15,120 Speaker 2: as you know, leaving a relationship can feel overwhelming, but 586 00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:19,759 Speaker 2: if you don't have you know, it can be overwhelming, right, 587 00:37:19,800 --> 00:37:23,320 Speaker 2: But if I think the most important thing to remember 588 00:37:23,360 --> 00:37:25,040 Speaker 2: is that you don't have to do it alone, right, 589 00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:31,200 Speaker 2: So reach out to trusted friends, family, mentors, your therapists, 590 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,560 Speaker 2: you know, whoever you can get emotional support from. 591 00:37:33,600 --> 00:37:34,440 Speaker 4: That's so important. 592 00:37:34,440 --> 00:37:36,480 Speaker 2: And a strong support system it can remind you of 593 00:37:36,520 --> 00:37:39,080 Speaker 2: your worth and provide you with encouragement as you take 594 00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,160 Speaker 2: on this new step and just kind of help you. 595 00:37:41,239 --> 00:37:43,879 Speaker 2: Remember that other people have done this before as well, 596 00:37:43,920 --> 00:37:46,239 Speaker 2: Like if you haven't done this as far as leaving 597 00:37:46,239 --> 00:37:47,560 Speaker 2: a relationship. 598 00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:48,960 Speaker 4: There are so many other people who've done. 599 00:37:48,800 --> 00:37:51,879 Speaker 2: This and they've survived and they are they're thriving now. 600 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:53,880 Speaker 2: So take advantage of your support system. 601 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:57,080 Speaker 3: And I think also within that is like you pointed 602 00:37:57,120 --> 00:37:58,880 Speaker 3: out that there are people who have been through this before, 603 00:37:58,920 --> 00:38:02,719 Speaker 3: it can share their experiences, recognizing that their experiences are 604 00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:06,160 Speaker 3: theirs and yours will be yours. But also when you 605 00:38:06,200 --> 00:38:10,120 Speaker 3: tap into your support system, that could also look like 606 00:38:11,080 --> 00:38:15,520 Speaker 3: getting access to resources that you need to have a 607 00:38:15,600 --> 00:38:20,120 Speaker 3: successful transition out of this relationship. Right. So, particularly I'm 608 00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:25,920 Speaker 3: thinking about like if you have kids and you're worried about, Okay, 609 00:38:26,280 --> 00:38:32,960 Speaker 3: well my kids have daycare or they have after school activities, 610 00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:38,239 Speaker 3: and the list goes on because kids these days, their 611 00:38:38,280 --> 00:38:42,719 Speaker 3: lives are more full than the adults sometimes and so 612 00:38:43,080 --> 00:38:45,200 Speaker 3: or if you're like, you know, as I'm going through 613 00:38:45,200 --> 00:38:48,080 Speaker 3: this transition, there's going to be times where I'm having 614 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:52,080 Speaker 3: a bad day and I need a break. This is 615 00:38:52,120 --> 00:38:57,960 Speaker 3: where tapping into your support system is helpful. Your support 616 00:38:58,040 --> 00:39:01,440 Speaker 3: system can show up and take your kids away for 617 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:06,040 Speaker 3: a couple of hours or a night. Your support system. 618 00:39:06,640 --> 00:39:08,960 Speaker 3: If you're let's say that you don't have any kids, 619 00:39:09,360 --> 00:39:13,120 Speaker 3: your support system may be the person who's offering you 620 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:17,800 Speaker 3: a couch to sleep on for a couple of weeks 621 00:39:18,160 --> 00:39:22,360 Speaker 3: while you figure out your next move. So don't be 622 00:39:22,440 --> 00:39:26,200 Speaker 3: afraid to tap into your support system. The second tip 623 00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:31,399 Speaker 3: is to do the inner work, Lady, When you are 624 00:39:31,520 --> 00:39:34,000 Speaker 3: trying to figure out what needs to happen next in 625 00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:38,719 Speaker 3: a relationship, it is important to take that time to 626 00:39:38,880 --> 00:39:45,279 Speaker 3: really understand what's happening inside. So one understanding why you 627 00:39:45,440 --> 00:39:52,640 Speaker 3: feel stuck in a cycle of unhealthy relationships. Maybe healing 628 00:39:53,239 --> 00:39:59,880 Speaker 3: whatever underlying trauma is allowing you to stay in situation 629 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:04,799 Speaker 3: that aren't serving you and also figuring out how to 630 00:40:04,880 --> 00:40:09,160 Speaker 3: treat yourself the way you want to be treated, because 631 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:15,359 Speaker 3: then once you identify that, then you're able to articulate 632 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:19,799 Speaker 3: that to the people around you so that they then 633 00:40:19,920 --> 00:40:22,240 Speaker 3: know how to treat you. And then if they can't 634 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:24,800 Speaker 3: treat you the way you want to be treated, you. 635 00:40:24,719 --> 00:40:28,719 Speaker 2: Move around, Amen domina. The nail on the head with that, 636 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:31,239 Speaker 2: and the number three that we're going to leave you 637 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,520 Speaker 2: with is prioritize safety and well being. Your safety and 638 00:40:34,520 --> 00:40:37,520 Speaker 2: well being are the most important considerations when it comes 639 00:40:37,520 --> 00:40:40,520 Speaker 2: to leaving a relationship, especially if the relationship is unhealthy 640 00:40:41,120 --> 00:40:44,560 Speaker 2: or there's some abuse or toxicity there, and so making 641 00:40:44,560 --> 00:40:47,680 Speaker 2: sure that you have a plan in place, but also 642 00:40:47,719 --> 00:40:50,480 Speaker 2: that you are very intentional and strategic in reaching out 643 00:40:50,480 --> 00:40:53,719 Speaker 2: to resources like possibly like the domestic I believe there's 644 00:40:53,760 --> 00:40:57,920 Speaker 2: domestic violence hotline or local organizations that can provide assistance 645 00:40:57,960 --> 00:41:01,760 Speaker 2: and guidance. That's super important. So just remember that taking 646 00:41:01,840 --> 00:41:05,279 Speaker 2: care of yourself is not selfish, it is essential, and 647 00:41:05,320 --> 00:41:07,880 Speaker 2: so ensuring that you do basically your situation, right, you 648 00:41:07,880 --> 00:41:10,279 Speaker 2: know your situation best. Just make sure that you plan 649 00:41:10,360 --> 00:41:12,240 Speaker 2: accordingly and keep those things in mind. 650 00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:17,480 Speaker 3: Yes, and so let's go through these three key tips 651 00:41:17,520 --> 00:41:22,160 Speaker 3: one more time. Tap into your support system, do the 652 00:41:22,239 --> 00:41:26,720 Speaker 3: inner work, and prioritize safety and well being. 653 00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,200 Speaker 4: All right, Lee, All right, okay, so lady, thank you 654 00:41:31,280 --> 00:41:32,200 Speaker 4: so much for tuning in. 655 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:34,400 Speaker 2: We are going to hop over into the after show 656 00:41:34,480 --> 00:41:37,720 Speaker 2: and just share some t on relationships and some behind 657 00:41:37,760 --> 00:41:40,280 Speaker 2: the scenes so you can visit her Space podcast dot com, 658 00:41:40,520 --> 00:41:44,040 Speaker 2: click on Wisdom Wednesday, or anywhere you see Patreon join 659 00:41:44,080 --> 00:41:47,240 Speaker 2: our Patreon community and you can tune into the video 660 00:41:47,320 --> 00:41:48,959 Speaker 2: episode and see the after show. 661 00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:49,960 Speaker 4: We'll see you then, lady. 662 00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,239 Speaker 3: Hey, lady, it's doctor dom here from the Cultivating her 663 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:58,279 Speaker 3: Space podcast. Are you currently a resident of the state 664 00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:03,759 Speaker 3: of California and contemplating starting your therapy journey. Well, if so, 665 00:42:04,520 --> 00:42:08,800 Speaker 3: please reach out to me at doctor Dominique Brusard dot com. 666 00:42:09,239 --> 00:42:14,080 Speaker 3: That's d R D O M I N I q 667 00:42:14,440 --> 00:42:18,799 Speaker 3: U E B R O U S s ar D 668 00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:24,520 Speaker 3: dot com to schedule a free fifteen minute consultation. I 669 00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:29,200 Speaker 3: look forward to hearing from you. Thanks for tuning into 670 00:42:29,239 --> 00:42:33,480 Speaker 3: Cultivating her Space remember that while this podcast is all 671 00:42:33,520 --> 00:42:38,720 Speaker 3: about healing, empowerment, and resilience, it's not a substitute for therapy. 672 00:42:39,760 --> 00:42:43,160 Speaker 3: If you are someone you know needs support, check out 673 00:42:43,200 --> 00:42:48,000 Speaker 3: resources like Therapy for Black Girls or Psychology Today. If 674 00:42:48,000 --> 00:42:51,160 Speaker 3: you love today's episode, do us a favor and share 675 00:42:51,160 --> 00:42:55,000 Speaker 3: it with a friend who needs some inspiration, or leave 676 00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:58,359 Speaker 3: us a quick five star review. Your support needs the 677 00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:01,720 Speaker 3: world to us and helps key Space thriving. 678 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:06,000 Speaker 1: And before we meet again, repeat after me. I am 679 00:43:06,040 --> 00:43:11,000 Speaker 1: the architect of my destiny, shaping every moment with purpose 680 00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:16,040 Speaker 1: and passion. Keep thriving, Lady, and tune in next Friday 681 00:43:16,080 --> 00:43:20,520 Speaker 1: for more inspiration from cultivating her Space. In the meantime, 682 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,799 Speaker 1: be sure to connect with us on Instagram at her 683 00:43:23,840 --> 00:43:24,799 Speaker 1: Space Podcast