WEBVTT - Goodbye Gaslighting (Rebecca Humphries recap) 0:00:00.960 --> 0:00:03.640 Hey y'all, Hey, what's up, and welcome to let's Red 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:07.560 Table that. I'm Tracy t. Brow and I'm Calra Pressley 0:00:07.720 --> 0:00:11.080 and we are talking about Red Table Talks gas lighting 0:00:11.200 --> 0:00:15.000 episode today. I mean, what an eye opener it was. 0:00:15.600 --> 0:00:19.079 We're diving deeper and deeper every week. I'm definitely deeper 0:00:19.160 --> 0:00:22.200 into gas lighting today. And after watching Red Table Talk 0:00:22.239 --> 0:00:26.119 and listening to this episode, you should definitely be able 0:00:26.160 --> 0:00:30.960 to successfully spot and stop gas lighting in your life. 0:00:31.200 --> 0:00:34.600 That's the key, because who this episode was a lot 0:00:34.960 --> 0:00:38.360 gas lighting. First of all, let's just understand what it is, Okay. 0:00:39.360 --> 0:00:44.760 Gas Lighting is psychologically manipulating someone into questioning what is 0:00:44.880 --> 0:00:51.559 actually true. And today's episode, oh m g Rebecca was 0:00:51.640 --> 0:00:55.720 gas lighted to the nth Degree's she not m she was? 0:00:55.920 --> 0:01:00.960 She was Oh, I was just watching in are. It 0:01:01.080 --> 0:01:04.679 was just a lot and shock and anger. I had 0:01:04.720 --> 0:01:07.280 all those emotions. I had all those and of course 0:01:07.319 --> 0:01:10.840 empathy just hurts my feelings to know that someone is 0:01:10.880 --> 0:01:15.200 intentionally been treating another person. You don't have to do that. Yeah, 0:01:15.240 --> 0:01:18.360 I think when it comes to certain relationships where one 0:01:18.360 --> 0:01:21.600 person is definitely giving less, that person is definitely the 0:01:21.640 --> 0:01:24.240 gas lighter. I feel like they're doing any and everything 0:01:24.280 --> 0:01:28.119 they can to just avoid that accountability for themselves, right, 0:01:28.160 --> 0:01:31.959 So they are pushing all on you and telling you 0:01:32.000 --> 0:01:34.760 how crazy you are. But once it is validated in 0:01:34.800 --> 0:01:37.560 your head, you do feel a sense of relief. I 0:01:37.640 --> 0:01:40.520 completely related to go back on that. I can't wait 0:01:40.520 --> 0:01:42.360 to get into that in the episode because you start 0:01:42.400 --> 0:01:45.240 to rethink everything that happened in the relationship. You know, 0:01:45.319 --> 0:01:49.120 there's been such a phenomenal light that has been shown 0:01:49.280 --> 0:01:53.040 on abuse and all the different ways that people are abused. 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:56.520 Now gas lighting is emotional abuse, right absolutely. I mean 0:01:56.520 --> 0:01:59.520 it just reminds you that women are always the one 0:01:59.600 --> 0:02:02.440 who are expected to like hold onto the relationship and 0:02:02.480 --> 0:02:06.760 sustain the relationship and make it right. Um and I 0:02:06.800 --> 0:02:08.919 think so I feel like we're always, you know, quick 0:02:08.960 --> 0:02:11.280 to apologize. I feel like a lot of women put 0:02:11.280 --> 0:02:14.600 it on a pedestal, you know, they think it's they 0:02:14.720 --> 0:02:17.160 end up making a relationship bigger than them, and when 0:02:17.360 --> 0:02:19.960 that's where your power is, you want to maintain it 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:22.440 or if that's where you once got some power from. 0:02:22.760 --> 0:02:25.080 It's interesting that you say that, Carr, because the one 0:02:25.160 --> 0:02:27.680 thing that I think that was interesting in this episode 0:02:27.880 --> 0:02:30.720 is that the gas flighting, with the exception of one. 0:02:31.400 --> 0:02:33.720 I think they did one scenario where the person that 0:02:33.800 --> 0:02:38.560 was the perpetrator was the female. But it is a 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:42.560 universal idea that the people that are experiencing gas lighting 0:02:42.639 --> 0:02:45.880 are women and that the men are the ones doing it. Right, 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:48.960 people probably would like to know the numbers. Shout out 0:02:49.000 --> 0:02:51.200 to Sonya Holt. She is a person who is local 0:02:51.280 --> 0:02:55.040 enrichment and she often talks about domestic violence in the city. 0:02:55.400 --> 0:02:58.520 But this piece of like gaslighting. One thing I love 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:01.880 is she always brings examples from both sides, Like it's 0:03:01.960 --> 0:03:04.519 not just all men are all women, so she'll bring 0:03:04.560 --> 0:03:08.200 in various examples a different event. I love that because, 0:03:08.200 --> 0:03:10.760 like you said, men are probably experiencing this. Men are 0:03:10.840 --> 0:03:15.960 experiencing this to physical abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse. 0:03:16.160 --> 0:03:19.240 It happens on both sides. And so I'm grateful to 0:03:19.280 --> 0:03:22.440 the person that is enrichment and all over that are 0:03:22.440 --> 0:03:26.480 sharing and shining light and spreading awareness, because that's what 0:03:26.520 --> 0:03:29.240 we really need. Now it's time to share with our 0:03:29.280 --> 0:03:33.280 online Red Table Talk community has to say about this episode, 0:03:33.520 --> 0:03:36.040 and they have a lot to say, So how they 0:03:36.120 --> 0:03:40.000 do right, guys go to kick it off? Carlin McEwan says, 0:03:40.080 --> 0:03:46.040 I'm continually being medically gaslighted by uneducated medical professionals regarding 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:49.520 my endometriosis. I mean, my goodness, she said, it's exhausting 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:55.040 trying to be heard. I can only imagine. Yeah, for sure, Carla, goodnight, 0:03:55.040 --> 0:04:00.640 we failed for you. Wow. And Carrie gomen And said 0:04:00.720 --> 0:04:05.320 this was a powerful episode that was explained so perfectly. 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:08.560 I have never related so much in my life, not 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.640 even while in therapy. Thank you for bringing light to 0:04:11.720 --> 0:04:14.840 this subject that so many of us don't speak about. 0:04:14.840 --> 0:04:20.200 Oh Carrie, thank you. That's so nice. Chavante Scott says, 0:04:20.640 --> 0:04:23.359 thirteen years of this behavior and I'm still trying to 0:04:23.400 --> 0:04:26.840 get out of this relationship. This opened my eyes so much. 0:04:27.240 --> 0:04:29.560 Thank you for having this talk. And I think that's 0:04:30.120 --> 0:04:32.120 one of the things we even said as we were 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:35.480 thinking about this episode is I'm hoping that it really 0:04:35.520 --> 0:04:38.240 connects with someone who may not even realize it's happening. 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:43.599 So I'm glad you have that eye opening moment, says CC. Castro. 0:04:43.680 --> 0:04:47.440 Acosta said I got all of this and more from 0:04:47.440 --> 0:04:51.800 my ex sister. That quote unquote raised me. Sadly. It's 0:04:51.920 --> 0:04:56.280 also family members to uh now that is really something. 0:04:56.560 --> 0:04:59.960 Gas Lighting does not have any limits. There there's no parameters, 0:05:00.200 --> 0:05:05.359 no discrimination, no barriers that part anybody, right. You know, 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.320 we talk about cultural a lot, just in society and life, 0:05:08.440 --> 0:05:11.720 and the reality is if your culture is very like 0:05:12.240 --> 0:05:15.840 toxic and leading, that means everyone probably speaks that same way, 0:05:15.920 --> 0:05:18.839 not just the adults or you know, the cousins or 0:05:18.960 --> 0:05:22.720 maybe everyone in your family. So protect yourself and just 0:05:22.720 --> 0:05:26.680 continue to learn what's going on. Nicky Hardy says, I 0:05:26.720 --> 0:05:29.279 wish I'd heard this term ten to fifteen years ago. 0:05:29.640 --> 0:05:32.440 I wouldn't have stayed so long. He made me question 0:05:32.640 --> 0:05:36.040 every single decision I made, completely wrote me down. But 0:05:36.080 --> 0:05:38.719 after two years divorced, I'm slowly getting back to my 0:05:38.839 --> 0:05:42.880 better self. Good job, if you were happy for you, 0:05:42.920 --> 0:05:45.599 Oh that's good, that's really good. Well we also got 0:05:45.640 --> 0:05:49.040 our very first voice message. So this is what Tammy 0:05:49.120 --> 0:05:53.840 Mobley has to say about her experience with gas lighting. Hi, 0:05:53.960 --> 0:05:56.320 this is Tammy Mowble from Chester, Virginia to mess a 0:05:56.360 --> 0:05:59.640 found survivor and advocate. Thank you for the table talker 0:05:59.680 --> 0:06:03.240 bringing awareness. In this segment on gas lighting, one or 0:06:03.240 --> 0:06:06.920 three women are in an unhealthy relationship. Abuse is about 0:06:07.800 --> 0:06:11.400 control and manipulation and as it's a mess of violence survivor. 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:16.719 I was abused for fourteen years mentally and emotionally. There 0:06:16.800 --> 0:06:18.640 was time that I didn't think that my feelings were 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:21.960 valid because I was told to stop my crocodile tears. 0:06:22.279 --> 0:06:24.919 If I showed any top of your emotion, I was 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:26.760 told that all I had was a pretty face. So 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:30.040 I started believing that if I caught my ex husband 0:06:30.040 --> 0:06:32.680 and a lie or he was cheating, he would turn 0:06:32.680 --> 0:06:34.760 the tables around to make me think that I was 0:06:34.800 --> 0:06:38.000 crazy or that what I saw or heard really didn't happen. 0:06:38.760 --> 0:06:42.719 It's so important that many women and men know the 0:06:42.800 --> 0:06:47.000 signs and an unhealthy relationship when it pertains to gas fighting. 0:06:47.279 --> 0:06:49.799 So thank you once again for bringing this to life. 0:06:49.880 --> 0:06:55.120 Thank you for sharing your platform once again. Temmy Moldly, 0:06:55.400 --> 0:06:58.919 Oh my goodness, thank you first for sharing and hearing 0:06:58.960 --> 0:07:04.360 your voice makes so much impact for me. I mean, 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:08.000 oh yeah, it makes an impact. We need to make 0:07:08.040 --> 0:07:11.400 these connections. I think people need to hear that other 0:07:11.480 --> 0:07:13.240 people are going through it, and not just for a 0:07:13.280 --> 0:07:16.880 little while, she said. Fourteen years fourteen years. Shout out 0:07:16.920 --> 0:07:20.320 to Tammy for sharing and being transparent. What you're giving 0:07:20.960 --> 0:07:24.960 continues to be a gift to encourage and implore women 0:07:25.040 --> 0:07:27.880 to know that they too have the power to heal 0:07:28.120 --> 0:07:31.880 beyond the gas lighting and to move forward. Continue your 0:07:31.920 --> 0:07:36.240 great work, Tammy, Wow, I'm so proud. Facts. We love 0:07:36.320 --> 0:07:38.800 hearing from you, and we want to hear from you. 0:07:39.080 --> 0:07:41.640 If you want to be featured on an episode, leave 0:07:41.760 --> 0:07:45.720 us a voice message at speak pipe dot com slash 0:07:45.960 --> 0:07:49.080 Let's Red Table that we're going to take a quick break, 0:07:49.120 --> 0:07:51.280 but when we get back, we'll be joined by one 0:07:51.480 --> 0:08:06.640 amazing guest. It's time to welcome our guest to Let's 0:08:06.680 --> 0:08:10.320 Red Table. That carry Win has been her formidable years 0:08:10.320 --> 0:08:13.960 and what she now identifies as an evangelical cult, and 0:08:14.000 --> 0:08:17.360 this is where she first experienced gas lighting. A couple 0:08:17.360 --> 0:08:20.120 of years after she graduated college, she found herself in 0:08:20.160 --> 0:08:23.240 a new gas lighting relationship, this time with the man 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:26.240 twelve years older than she. The first few months felt 0:08:26.240 --> 0:08:29.480 great thanks to her boyfriend's love bombing, but he quickly 0:08:29.520 --> 0:08:34.319 turned into an abusive person and after almost a year, 0:08:34.679 --> 0:08:38.360 Carrie finally got out thankfully. Carrie has been sharing about 0:08:38.400 --> 0:08:41.280 her gas lighting experience as a writer and relationship coach 0:08:41.360 --> 0:08:44.200 on her website for years now. To try to help 0:08:44.280 --> 0:08:50.280 others out of codependent relationships. Welcome to let's red table 0:08:50.360 --> 0:08:53.560 that carry. Thank you, Car and Tracy is great to 0:08:53.600 --> 0:09:05.240 be here. Yes, thank you so much. Let's just jump 0:09:05.280 --> 0:09:08.240 into it. We're gonna talk about the episode and we're 0:09:08.240 --> 0:09:10.720 gonna kick it off with the part of the show 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:16.079 with the moments that made us pause, rewind, and listen again. Wait, 0:09:16.320 --> 0:09:21.360 what is going on? So let's talk about lots of 0:09:22.480 --> 0:09:26.880 in this episode. Oh my goodness and al When Rebecca 0:09:27.000 --> 0:09:30.040 explained that she grew up so accustomed to being gaslighted 0:09:30.040 --> 0:09:33.280 by her boyfriend that she actually thought her view of 0:09:33.360 --> 0:09:37.480 reality was warped. That was my birthday when those pictures 0:09:37.480 --> 0:09:40.840 were taken. But I'm there, and I'm going I know 0:09:41.040 --> 0:09:43.640 that I sort of have a weird perception of what 0:09:43.720 --> 0:09:47.000 reality is. But I feel like it's not okay for 0:09:47.080 --> 0:09:49.960 him to be out with another woman. Okay. Have you 0:09:50.040 --> 0:09:52.680 ever been in a situation where you question your own 0:09:52.800 --> 0:09:56.839 judgment severely? I can't pick just one, but I would 0:09:56.840 --> 0:10:00.160 say that it started from a very early aide. Just 0:10:00.280 --> 0:10:02.839 my childhood set me up to be in a situation 0:10:02.880 --> 0:10:06.679 where down the road, when anyone gave me pause, I 0:10:06.760 --> 0:10:09.600 didn't know what my truth was so with that led 0:10:09.640 --> 0:10:14.120 me to a lot of unhealthy relationships. I can relate 0:10:14.200 --> 0:10:17.080 to that. I mean just just the wanting to trust someone. 0:10:17.320 --> 0:10:20.000 So anytime you've been manipulated in some way, no one 0:10:20.040 --> 0:10:23.400 wants to revisit it. And if it happens again, you 0:10:23.520 --> 0:10:26.120 definitely do start to think, is there something wrong with me? 0:10:26.200 --> 0:10:29.640 What am I doing to to cause this? And I 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:32.480 think the biggest thing that we all learned after talking 0:10:32.480 --> 0:10:35.520 about this episode is that it's not you right like 0:10:35.559 --> 0:10:38.320 these people and things out I feel like I feel 0:10:38.360 --> 0:10:41.439 like they seek out the good qualities and the good traits, 0:10:41.559 --> 0:10:44.079 which kind of goes into another another weight what moment. 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:47.360 When Dr Romney explained bread crumbing, she described it as 0:10:48.080 --> 0:10:51.000 that's a process called bread crumbing where you get by 0:10:51.160 --> 0:10:53.120 un less and less. You used to get a whole 0:10:53.120 --> 0:10:55.080 slice of bread. Now you're just getting a few crumbs 0:10:55.080 --> 0:10:57.120 and you're calling it a meal. I mean, not even 0:10:57.160 --> 0:11:00.800 the crust. It made me mad. Wait, not even the crouss. 0:11:00.920 --> 0:11:06.400 Car not even you get a crumb of the crust 0:11:06.480 --> 0:11:08.840 and you call that a meal and you feel satisfied 0:11:08.880 --> 0:11:11.800 from it. That's the part that's so difficult with bread crumbing. 0:11:12.240 --> 0:11:16.079 Car have you had an experience where you've experienced bread crumbing. 0:11:17.160 --> 0:11:20.960 I have experienced bread crumbing and like a past relationship, 0:11:21.240 --> 0:11:23.080 and at this point it wasn't a relationship, it was 0:11:23.080 --> 0:11:26.040 a situation ship, right. I think the person recognized that 0:11:26.480 --> 0:11:30.160 I wanted more and because they were aware I wasn't 0:11:30.240 --> 0:11:31.920 quite getting it from anywhere else. I don't know why 0:11:32.000 --> 0:11:34.960 women sometimes we date like we're married, or date what 0:11:35.160 --> 0:11:38.640 one person, you know, hoping that it right all the way, 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:42.920 just all the foot and the feet and then no commitment, 0:11:43.000 --> 0:11:45.520 just giving them are all they know. It's because they're 0:11:45.520 --> 0:11:47.880 probably dealing with multiple people. They're giving out less and 0:11:48.000 --> 0:11:52.000 less and a little bit here or one grand gesture 0:11:52.840 --> 0:11:56.200 for the next month or trow. Yeah, I've experienced it, 0:11:56.240 --> 0:11:59.959 and it's hurtful because you do start to think you're 0:12:00.200 --> 0:12:03.240 wanting too much or something. I can't even really put 0:12:03.240 --> 0:12:05.440 it fully into words. I just knew that wasn't or 0:12:05.480 --> 0:12:09.480 that you don't deserve anything. Right. Once I started to 0:12:09.520 --> 0:12:13.600 really see myself as whole and more and started affirming myself, 0:12:13.640 --> 0:12:16.160 as you would say, in other ways, than that relationship 0:12:16.240 --> 0:12:20.360 wasn't enough of d loger. So good for you. I'm 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:23.079 glad you got out of the to and recognize that 0:12:23.679 --> 0:12:26.360 there's a scene from one of my favorite shows, Crazy 0:12:26.360 --> 0:12:28.360 Ex Girlfriend. This is a plug for the show. If 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:31.120 you haven't watched it, watch it. But she has a 0:12:31.200 --> 0:12:34.640 song called love Colonels and in the song, she's singing 0:12:34.640 --> 0:12:37.200 about how she just wants his love colonels and he'll 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:39.760 give her one there, maybe maybe there. He'll be like, hey, 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:41.520 will you pick up my laundry? And she's, oh, I 0:12:41.559 --> 0:12:45.560 got one, And it just shows that blinded and have 0:12:45.679 --> 0:12:49.520 those rose colored glasses on. It's just so easy. We'll 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:53.080 take basically anything, and you try to tell us ourselves 0:12:53.120 --> 0:12:56.360 that his love anything. Yeah, and in that case, go 0:12:56.520 --> 0:12:59.800 pick up my dry cleaning. Was really running errand for me. 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:04.200 But she just when I really realized, oh god, this 0:13:04.240 --> 0:13:05.880 is terrible what this is? Before I knew it was 0:13:05.920 --> 0:13:09.280 a breadcrumbing term, I used to say, just holding onto 0:13:09.280 --> 0:13:11.199 a little bit of something out of fear of having 0:13:11.240 --> 0:13:14.120 nothing at all. I can think of one where for 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:17.280 years and this wasn't an abusive situation. It just was 0:13:17.320 --> 0:13:19.840 with a man that was very emotionally unavailable. And for 0:13:19.960 --> 0:13:23.400 years we were friends. We weren't friends then I thought 0:13:23.440 --> 0:13:25.520 we were more than friends. I remember on a birthday, 0:13:25.559 --> 0:13:27.760 he sent me flowers and just did little things here 0:13:27.800 --> 0:13:29.560 and there that I thought we were going in a 0:13:29.600 --> 0:13:33.200 certain direction, and we weren't. In that time, I was 0:13:33.440 --> 0:13:37.120 definitely still dating other people, but I think I was 0:13:37.160 --> 0:13:42.080 pulling out hope for this one person. Yeah, holding out hope, 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.520 the burnt candle burning for the one though that was 0:13:45.559 --> 0:13:49.079 the one, and any little thing, yeah, the person we 0:13:49.160 --> 0:13:52.200 thought right right, Well, I think that also speaks to 0:13:52.520 --> 0:13:55.200 maybe what's going on with ourselves, because I don't think I, 0:13:55.440 --> 0:13:57.960 looking back, I don't think I was available either, So 0:13:58.040 --> 0:14:01.240 I was seeking that out without realizing. Now that is 0:14:01.280 --> 0:14:05.800 really good. That's a really powerful retrospective that you were 0:14:05.800 --> 0:14:12.040 not available emotionally either. Therapy two years to figure that 0:14:12.080 --> 0:14:19.960 one out. But the answer therapy, one word therapy. Therapy 0:14:20.080 --> 0:14:24.840 really does. Absolutely we encourage therapy here, and I'm glad 0:14:24.880 --> 0:14:27.200 that Stigma's coming off of therapy now to Carrie, so 0:14:27.280 --> 0:14:30.240 that people can say that unashamedly. You know, we need 0:14:30.280 --> 0:14:32.440 to be able to rely on professionals to help support 0:14:32.480 --> 0:14:35.000 us through certain things in our life. The phrases Rebecca's 0:14:35.040 --> 0:14:37.720 ex use and Dr Romney share that are commonly used 0:14:37.720 --> 0:14:42.560 by gaslighters Dr Romney, what are more examples of gaslighting? 0:14:43.080 --> 0:14:45.840 Stop being so sensitive? I just told you your emotion 0:14:45.920 --> 0:14:49.840 is invalid. Let's just do a lightning round here. I'll 0:14:49.840 --> 0:14:53.080 read these off and we can say if someone has 0:14:53.160 --> 0:14:55.440 used these gaslighting phrases on us, are not okay you 0:14:55.480 --> 0:15:03.240 already okay, I'm ready, all right, stop being so sensitive. Check. 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:06.120 I've heard that in the workplace. I've heard that in 0:15:06.120 --> 0:15:10.680 the workplace as well. Workplace, both of you. Work place. Okay, 0:15:10.800 --> 0:15:12.920 I need an example, give me an example. I just 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:15.560 felt like I was being critiqued anyway, and I was 0:15:15.600 --> 0:15:18.880 the only black person in the workplace, so it was 0:15:18.880 --> 0:15:21.000 hard for me to have my voice heard or just 0:15:21.040 --> 0:15:23.560 be understood, I felt, and they definitely told me I 0:15:23.600 --> 0:15:26.200 was overly sensitive in an official write up when we 0:15:26.240 --> 0:15:29.080 did our disk assessment. I couldn't believe it was on 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:31.360 the paper. And bless their hearts, I think they thought 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:34.000 that they were helping me. I'm sure they did. I'm 0:15:34.040 --> 0:15:36.920 sure they thought that they were giving you productive feedback 0:15:37.520 --> 0:15:41.560 that part. I had several very toxic bosses, and there 0:15:41.640 --> 0:15:44.680 was a situation where I was advocating for one of 0:15:44.680 --> 0:15:47.600 my customers. I just remember him telling me that I 0:15:47.640 --> 0:15:50.600 was being sensitive, I was emotional because I was a woman. 0:15:51.160 --> 0:15:53.160 Just blamed it on me being a woman, for me 0:15:53.720 --> 0:15:57.720 doing what was my job. Okay, okay, so here we go. 0:15:57.800 --> 0:16:02.440 Here's another one. You're crazy. Yeah, not that direct. I've 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:04.960 got to know your acting crazy. I feel like we'd 0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:07.760 be hard pressed to find a woman that hasn't heard 0:16:07.800 --> 0:16:11.160 some iteration of your crazy, of your crazy. Yeah, yeah, 0:16:11.400 --> 0:16:15.600 that we do get that. Okay, you must be paranoid. 0:16:15.680 --> 0:16:21.640 I have heard this one myself. What about y'all? Check? Yeah, 0:16:21.680 --> 0:16:24.720 I love it. Check. So my paranoia you must be paranoid, 0:16:24.880 --> 0:16:27.600 was interestingly enough, also workplace, and we were in the 0:16:27.600 --> 0:16:30.880 break room and I said something to correct or at 0:16:30.920 --> 0:16:34.800 least acknowledge that someone that was in the break room 0:16:34.840 --> 0:16:40.560 had made a comment that was racially insensitive. And they 0:16:40.560 --> 0:16:43.720 were like, oh, no, Tracy, you're just being paranoid. You know, 0:16:43.760 --> 0:16:45.960 stop being so paranoid. No one's out to get you, like, 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:48.600 this isn't about you. And I was like, what the heck, 0:16:49.160 --> 0:16:51.800 I'm not paranoid at all. I heard what you said, 0:16:52.240 --> 0:16:54.880 and I am going to correct you, or at least 0:16:54.920 --> 0:16:58.680 offer the opportunity for you to be corrected. What about you? Mine? 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.960 Was not workplay. It was in the relationship with the 0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.320 older man that I dated that I'm sure we'll get 0:17:04.320 --> 0:17:07.840 more into later, but he was actually there were nights 0:17:07.880 --> 0:17:12.880 where he would just disappear randomly for nights or even 0:17:12.920 --> 0:17:15.000 I remember one time, there's probably two or three days, 0:17:15.040 --> 0:17:17.000 and I'm not talking like he went in to the 0:17:17.080 --> 0:17:21.080 wilderness to have some spiritual experience. He just wouldn't answer me. 0:17:21.119 --> 0:17:23.400 And this was after we were in a very committed relationship. 0:17:23.480 --> 0:17:25.919 When he returned to Earth or however you want to 0:17:25.920 --> 0:17:28.520 put it out in front of him, and he constantly said, 0:17:28.600 --> 0:17:31.800 I was being paranoid. He wasn't doing anything while lo 0:17:31.920 --> 0:17:34.320 and behold found out after the relationship he had five 0:17:34.400 --> 0:17:38.040 six other girls he was messing around with. Stop not 0:17:38.280 --> 0:17:41.320 that for six Okay, this man had to be exhausted, 0:17:41.359 --> 0:17:43.360 but we are going to get into that. So are 0:17:43.440 --> 0:17:49.320 you on your period? Mm hm oh, listen, I can 0:17:49.320 --> 0:17:51.520 relate to this one. I can relate to this one, 0:17:51.560 --> 0:17:54.840 and I can't wait to tell you this story. We're ready. 0:17:55.600 --> 0:18:00.119 My son said it. Wait what your son said it? 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:02.560 And listen and look at your guys faces, because I'm 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:04.800 going to tell you how he humbled me very quickly. 0:18:05.440 --> 0:18:07.760 So I had just brought groceries in the house and 0:18:07.800 --> 0:18:09.640 I'm doing my mom thing and I go in my room. 0:18:09.720 --> 0:18:11.840 My son was like, are you in your period? And 0:18:11.880 --> 0:18:14.479 I'm like, why would you say that? What made you 0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:17.480 say that? And I immediately just got I was triggered 0:18:17.720 --> 0:18:20.480 and upset. And he was like, because I didn't know 0:18:20.480 --> 0:18:23.479 if you wanted me to bring you these in your 0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:24.840 room or you want me to take it to the 0:18:24.840 --> 0:18:27.520 bathroom where you normally. He literally is putting the groceries away. 0:18:28.040 --> 0:18:30.639 So it was such a plot twist. Wow, my heart. 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:34.199 But I was triggered, just like you guys. Wait man, 0:18:34.280 --> 0:18:37.960 wait man, white man, are you telling me he was 0:18:38.040 --> 0:18:41.239 just bringing you some feminine hygiene products. It sounds like 0:18:41.280 --> 0:18:45.480 you have him trained, well trained, very well. Wow, great 0:18:45.800 --> 0:18:48.680 he said it. When he said it, I immediately was like, 0:18:48.720 --> 0:18:51.280 oh my lord, what sound in my raising. But I 0:18:51.320 --> 0:18:54.439 was triggered, and I almost completely took it out on 0:18:54.560 --> 0:18:58.119 him until I decided to say, please, please share with 0:18:58.119 --> 0:19:00.080 me your perspective as to why you asked me that. 0:19:00.280 --> 0:19:04.600 Stop it. Oh my gosh, that is the plot twist 0:19:04.640 --> 0:19:08.359 of the century. Okay, thank you, Carrie. All right, let's 0:19:08.359 --> 0:19:10.640 see let's go to the next one. Can you take 0:19:10.680 --> 0:19:13.560 a joke? Yeah? Or or the I was just joking, 0:19:13.640 --> 0:19:15.760 trying to take the onus off the time. It was 0:19:15.840 --> 0:19:22.000 just a joke. Can't you take a joke? Yeah. I 0:19:22.040 --> 0:19:24.840 was in the car with my ex and we were 0:19:24.880 --> 0:19:29.440 driving back and he randomly went on a rant about 0:19:29.480 --> 0:19:33.399 how I needed to shave my face and that I 0:19:33.480 --> 0:19:36.560 was like super hairy, and I mean, you can see 0:19:36.600 --> 0:19:41.200 my face and I just was baffled, and he went 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:44.119 on and on, and it created an insecurity that to 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:47.199 this day. It's still there, even though I went to 0:19:47.280 --> 0:19:49.960 my friends and I was like, why would he say this? 0:19:50.040 --> 0:19:51.680 And he was like, oh, I'm just joking. I don't 0:19:51.680 --> 0:19:54.560 know why you're being so sensitive about it, but it 0:19:54.560 --> 0:19:56.840 it came out of nowhere, and it just I remember 0:19:56.920 --> 0:20:00.280 going home buying some and I never whack, so I 0:20:00.480 --> 0:20:02.640 bought my own at home wax and like burn off 0:20:02.640 --> 0:20:05.800 my own skin, like pilling it off. I know. And 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:07.840 it was such a random, out of the blue thing, 0:20:08.000 --> 0:20:10.919 but he created an insecurity and then from there I 0:20:10.960 --> 0:20:20.160 just started questioning everything about myself. What did you think 0:20:20.480 --> 0:20:24.240 of this episode? Was it what you expected or were 0:20:24.280 --> 0:20:26.560 you feeling something else? I feel like, I have an 0:20:26.600 --> 0:20:30.800 unfair advantage since this is something I've written about and 0:20:30.880 --> 0:20:33.840 been versed in for the last few years. So because 0:20:33.880 --> 0:20:35.800 I was going to say, even the doctor they brought on, 0:20:35.880 --> 0:20:37.760 I actually used to listen to her when I first 0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:42.400 started studying narcissism, so I loved how they navigated it. 0:20:42.520 --> 0:20:46.399 I thought the actress from The Crown, Rebecca, that story 0:20:46.560 --> 0:20:49.919 was heartbreaking and it was just so powerful seeing that 0:20:50.040 --> 0:20:52.800 someone even in that position, she's even being duped and 0:20:52.840 --> 0:20:55.760 being told that she's not worth it, right, I mean 0:20:55.840 --> 0:20:58.280 when she said that she was going on auditions, and 0:20:58.480 --> 0:21:01.600 that's the point where you're super vulnerable, You're unsure, right, 0:21:02.080 --> 0:21:03.960 and you want the person that's in your corner to 0:21:04.040 --> 0:21:06.760 really sure leave you, to be like yeah, good luck, 0:21:06.760 --> 0:21:09.199 but you probably won't get it, and support you and 0:21:09.240 --> 0:21:10.760 be your fan. What is I mean? That is a 0:21:10.960 --> 0:21:14.199 sucker punch right in the gut. If you're in that situation, 0:21:14.640 --> 0:21:17.320 you you almost start to try to convince them no, 0:21:17.680 --> 0:21:19.840 like in the examples that was I enjoyed that part 0:21:19.840 --> 0:21:22.879 of the episode so people could maybe see from the 0:21:22.920 --> 0:21:25.160 outside looking in, this is how it looks, right, because 0:21:25.160 --> 0:21:28.480 when you love the person, you're looking in their eyes. 0:21:28.640 --> 0:21:30.680 I'm sure you can help us get into that carry 0:21:30.760 --> 0:21:33.879 like you're looking in their eyes when it's happening, and 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:36.359 you're remembering the person who gave you the pillow talk 0:21:36.400 --> 0:21:38.639 and all the great vibes. And the thing is, it 0:21:38.680 --> 0:21:41.639 always starts so subtly, right, It's like that classic parable 0:21:41.680 --> 0:21:43.719 about the burning frog in the water. You don't know 0:21:43.800 --> 0:21:46.280 what's happening. Like imagine you meet someone, you're on a date, 0:21:46.320 --> 0:21:48.440 and he's like, baginet to happen. You're crazy. You're like, Okay, 0:21:48.440 --> 0:21:50.280 well I'm gonna go. I'm gonna leave my by. Now 0:21:51.320 --> 0:21:54.600 we haven't built a relationship yet. But when you're six 0:21:54.640 --> 0:21:57.040 months a year, say you're married with kids, and someone 0:21:57.080 --> 0:22:00.439 starts with this behavior, you're not gonna be equipped to 0:22:00.440 --> 0:22:04.080 deal with it. Okay, I can't wait to get into this. 0:22:04.240 --> 0:22:06.560 I have held my peace, So Carrie, let's go. We 0:22:06.640 --> 0:22:10.320 want to know more about how you were gaslighted in 0:22:10.359 --> 0:22:15.280 the evangelical cult. You grew up in The Evangelical church 0:22:15.400 --> 0:22:18.200 as a whole is being critiqued a little more closely 0:22:18.280 --> 0:22:22.960 these days, especially by the newest generation. But clearly some 0:22:23.040 --> 0:22:27.480 evangelical communities take control of their conslications and step further 0:22:27.600 --> 0:22:32.639 than others. How were you gaslighted in your church? So 0:22:33.200 --> 0:22:36.800 I would say that it primarily came with how the 0:22:36.840 --> 0:22:40.800 women were treated versus the men. And from an early age, 0:22:40.880 --> 0:22:43.960 I remember being eleven or twelve, and they would segment us, 0:22:43.960 --> 0:22:46.959 so girls one room, boys in another, and basically they 0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:50.720 would sit us down and say how we were Jezebels, 0:22:51.000 --> 0:22:53.479 we were going to tempt the men, how we couldn't 0:22:53.480 --> 0:22:57.440