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Speaker 1: All right, So it is April, which is officially marking

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Speaker 1: a new topic on the velvets Edge podcast. We're moving

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Speaker 1: into spring. We've done a deep dives, we've done a

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Speaker 1: deep work. So what is life bringing to us? Hi? Chip,

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Speaker 1: are you ready to discuss this today? Well, you and

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Speaker 1: I do a sex and dating podcast every month, and

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Speaker 1: we started to feel really silly because neither one of

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Speaker 1: us are having sex or dating, and so we're like, uh,

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Speaker 1: maybe we should bring in an expert. So we have

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Speaker 1: Dr Joelie Hamilton here, who has been on the valvet

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Speaker 1: Ed podcasts now twice. Yeah, yeah, twice with my favorite topics. Yes, sex, dating,

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Speaker 1: love relationships. So give the listeners a little background in

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Speaker 1: case you guys have missed those podcasts. We love Jolie here,

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Speaker 1: so tell the people about you. Thank you so much

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Speaker 1: for having me when you said I could come back,

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Speaker 1: I'm like, yeah, thank you. I love that. Um My background,

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Speaker 1: so I have a doctorate in union an archetypal psychology,

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Speaker 1: and that means that I take the unconscious really seriously.

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Speaker 1: So while those things, all those motivations that kick your

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Speaker 1: ass and you don't know why, that's what I study. Um,

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Speaker 1: and then I decided to specialize in sexuality. So I

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Speaker 1: am also an a sex certified sex educator, and I

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Speaker 1: happen to have seven kids, and I'm polyamorous, so I

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Speaker 1: have I have seven children between the ages of fourteen

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Speaker 1: and twenty two, and um, I currently have three partners,

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Speaker 1: um and so my life is wildly filled with the

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Speaker 1: sex and dating that you're not currently doing. Yeah, that's

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Speaker 1: why I felt confident coming to you, because I'm like,

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Speaker 1: if we don't know it, Jolie for sure knows it.

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Speaker 1: I don't know how you manage three relationships at one

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Speaker 1: time and seven kids, Like, I'm overwhelmed even hearing about it.

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Speaker 1: Do you have more hours in your day than I do? Right?

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Speaker 1: I do. I made a deal with the devil. He's

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Speaker 1: one of my partners. It was worth it. It's fine, Okay, great,

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Speaker 1: Hopefully you gave me some beautiful children. Yes, yeah, I

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Speaker 1: mean the cloven hooves alone are amazing. How does a

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Speaker 1: polyamorous relationship work? I just have so many questions about this,

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Speaker 1: and I talked pretty openly that I don't feel like

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Speaker 1: I could ever do it, Like it wouldn't work with

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Speaker 1: you know, my traumas or my wounding or maybe Uh,

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Speaker 1: just I don't know, like jealousy issues. I couldn't do it.

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Speaker 1: So how do you guys give us, like the cliff

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Speaker 1: notes versions of why you decided to do that, how

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Speaker 1: it works, and what are some of the main things

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Speaker 1: that you have to really keep in mind for that

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Speaker 1: relationship to thrive. Okay, so the quick version is decided

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Speaker 1: to do it because I fell in love with my

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Speaker 1: partner while I was married and he was married, and

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Speaker 1: I was like, I don't know what we do now, um,

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Speaker 1: And when I looked deeper into that, I realized, Oh,

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Speaker 1: there's a name for this. This is a thing that

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Speaker 1: happens some people love more than one person at a time.

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Speaker 1: I didn't particularly need it to be sexual at the time,

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Speaker 1: so I started exploring what might this look like. His

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Speaker 1: wife was totally game for us to explore, and so

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Speaker 1: we did. My husband not game, so he got the

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Speaker 1: heck out. Um it was messy. It was really really messy.

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Speaker 1: But how we maintain it. That has to do with

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Speaker 1: a whole lot of conversations, um, some therapy we've done together,

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Speaker 1: and also really making a philosophical commitment to growth over

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Speaker 1: comfort and honoring each other's other news. Really honoring agency

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Speaker 1: and autonomy. It is not easy. I have a lot

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Speaker 1: of trauma from my past, so yeah, it sometimes plays

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Speaker 1: real rough with that, which also makes it some of

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Speaker 1: my biggest individual work. Like when we when we talk

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Speaker 1: about work, often we talked about what was in the past.

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Speaker 1: My relationship is a container for my own individuation. It

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Speaker 1: really is like it's a proving ground, it's a it's

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Speaker 1: an experimentation, and sometimes it's really hard, but a lot

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Speaker 1: of times it's lovely. In general, I hear a lot

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Speaker 1: of people talking about mirroring, you know, like we pull

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Speaker 1: in their relationships. We need to bring our wounds straight

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Speaker 1: to the surface so that we can work through them.

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Speaker 1: And I can only imagine that is like times ten

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Speaker 1: in this dynamic for sure, And I have seen myself

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Speaker 1: do that with my friendships. And because honestly, in polymory,

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Speaker 1: I often wonder, I don't I mean, I don't know

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Speaker 1: what a relationship is going to be at the start um.

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Speaker 1: Maybe this person will be a friend, Maybe this person

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Speaker 1: will be somebody I hang out with and go on

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Speaker 1: hikes with. Maybe this person will be somebody have sex with.

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Speaker 1: And no matter what role they wind up playing, yeah,

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Speaker 1: there is often some something in them that I spotted

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Speaker 1: at the beginning that I both want to have in myself.

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Speaker 1: I call it a golden shadow projection. I want that quality,

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Speaker 1: but I also can't claim it yet, so I'm also

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Speaker 1: a little envious of them and that tension. Oh that

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Speaker 1: is juicy ground too, Like, really have a great set

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Speaker 1: of conversations, but it's also a really it can be

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Speaker 1: a tough spot because then we hurt each other, like

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Speaker 1: we divide up who we get to be. This this

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Speaker 1: is how I see it play out in friendships, right

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Speaker 1: and and in early dating too, like, Oh, I'm the

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Speaker 1: funny one and you're the smart one. Not true, we're

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Speaker 1: both funny, we're both smart, um, but we project that

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Speaker 1: quality out and and this is where we get caught

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Speaker 1: in the in the tension of not claiming the thing

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Speaker 1: that we love so much about them, but we also

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Speaker 1: love it so much about them. And really, being polyamorous

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Speaker 1: has given me the opportunity to practice this like in

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Speaker 1: a really really conscious way, because the only thing that

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Speaker 1: you have to do differently in polyamory is you have

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Speaker 1: to be really really honest with all of your partners

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Speaker 1: about exactly what's going on. And that level of honesty

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Speaker 1: with other means you have to be honest with yourself. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I mean the level of transparency that would have to

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Speaker 1: happen for it to function. Like it's like, you can't

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Speaker 1: leave out that little thing because then that would un

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Speaker 1: travel all these other parts that would make the whole

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Speaker 1: thing explode. Yes, And I've seen that I have been

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Speaker 1: part of that that. I once had a partner request

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Speaker 1: that I not ask any more questions of them about anything,

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Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, this is the end of

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Speaker 1: that relationship. And it was. It was. The relationship was

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Speaker 1: over within a couple of months because they were no

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Speaker 1: longer actually relating to me. Um, And that's always challenging.

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Speaker 1: You know, you have a a real commitment to honoring

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Speaker 1: someone else's boundaries, and that was a boundary for them,

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Speaker 1: and so to honor it, I also found myself no

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Speaker 1: longer really relating to them because it was to do

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Speaker 1: So do you date both men and women? I do.

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Speaker 1: I I date across the gender spectrum. I happen to

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Speaker 1: be pan sexual. So I just like people. You are

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Speaker 1: the perfect person for all of these questions because they

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Speaker 1: literally she covers all the bases, right. Well, I have

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Speaker 1: a question. Do you find that, um, do you find

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Speaker 1: that people have trouble asking you about your relationships and sexuality?

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Speaker 1: You know, I find that most people struggle to really

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Speaker 1: ask the questions that they want to, UM to really

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Speaker 1: like to know what questions they're even asking. So often

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Speaker 1: what happens is they asked me to tell a story

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Speaker 1: about Like they they'll ask me about this episode that

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Speaker 1: they heard about or this this incident, but they don't

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Speaker 1: know how to ask, tell me what is it like

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Speaker 1: to be on the inside of that relationship or what

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Speaker 1: is it like to be attracted to all genders? They

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Speaker 1: don't or sometimes they just feel like it's not even

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Speaker 1: okay to ask. And that's a question for the ages

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Speaker 1: really like what's okay to ask? Okay to ask? It's like,

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Speaker 1: you know, because I'm curious, Like, Um, you say you

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Speaker 1: have three partners, Now, um, does that change? Okay? And

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Speaker 1: it's different between them, Like what I would share about

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Speaker 1: those relationships all different? Yeah, what do you mean? Like,

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Speaker 1: what do you mean what you would share publicly or

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Speaker 1: like to your main Do you have a main partner? Right? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I call him my I am married and I call

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Speaker 1: him my anchor partner. But I am married and he

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Speaker 1: is UM a gender questioning UM looks like you're like

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Speaker 1: general cis gendered guy. So when he walks around in

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Speaker 1: the world, we look for all intents and purposes like

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Speaker 1: the like the perfect soccer couple with the big van

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Speaker 1: with Yeah, that's what we look like. And then to

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Speaker 1: answer the question of what I would share, so Ken

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Speaker 1: my partner, he's on my podcast with me, he has

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Speaker 1: agreed completely consensually, volitionally of his own share any story

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Speaker 1: you want, UM, go ahead. He wants that he wants

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Speaker 1: to practice that transparency so I can share with my

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Speaker 1: other partners and I can share with you with my

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Speaker 1: other partners. I don't share details with the public at

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Speaker 1: all other than that those relationships exist and a little

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Speaker 1: bit of like basic information about like genders and things

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Speaker 1: like that. But I do share a lot of that

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Speaker 1: information with my anchor partner, and that's a negotiated consensual

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Speaker 1: like I talk to everybody involved, like what is okay

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Speaker 1: to share? It just takes a lot of time that

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Speaker 1: I feel like, I feel like it must be easier

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Speaker 1: to be honest, because I feel like it would take

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Speaker 1: more time if you're hiding things. And what Mark Twain

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Speaker 1: told us. The truth is easier, if for no other

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Speaker 1: reason than it's easier to remember than a line. Right,

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Speaker 1: that makes so much sense. So your other Okay, so

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Speaker 1: you have your anchor partner who knows basically everything. Do

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Speaker 1: your other partners? I mean I assume they would know

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Speaker 1: you're in a marriage, but do they know each other?

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Speaker 1: Do they know the situation? Like how much are you

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Speaker 1: communicating with each person? They've met? All of my people

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Speaker 1: have met, and it's all really yeah, they've all In fact,

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Speaker 1: usually that's the case. I really just prefer it so

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Speaker 1: that we can refer to that as like either kitchen

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Speaker 1: table Polly or garden party Polly. There's like different ways

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Speaker 1: of expiring that. Yeah. It's really just the idea that

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Speaker 1: there's a certain level of compatibility, at least a cordial

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Speaker 1: friend friendship level amongst partners. And for me, I just

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Speaker 1: find it too complicated to be like, oh, this person

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Speaker 1: is not going to come over and you know, like

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Speaker 1: pick me up or say hi or whatever. And my

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Speaker 1: kids are all old enough to consent to knowing my

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Speaker 1: partners as well, and you know, say hi, and like

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Speaker 1: it's easeful. My kids are all fifteen enough. There, it's

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Speaker 1: easy UM. When it comes to introducing new partners, though,

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Speaker 1: some people don't want that dynamic. They're like overwhelmed by it.

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Speaker 1: They some people really want that separation and distance and

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Speaker 1: they want to kind of almost pretend like they're the

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Speaker 1: only one in each of their relationships. They almost set

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Speaker 1: relationships into these little diads. And that's a legitimate choice.

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Speaker 1: You can make it, but you have to negotiate for it.

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Speaker 1: Because somebody who wants full transparency or as much as possible,

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Speaker 1: and somebody who really wants essentially I don't ask, don't

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Speaker 1: tell policy, those two sets of needs might not be

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Speaker 1: compatible over the long term. It might be fun fine

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Speaker 1: for a hook up, but not over that long term.

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Speaker 1: So how long term are these relationships? You know, in

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Speaker 1: in the moment iime in we're coming out of COVID,

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Speaker 1: I did not date during most of COVID and UM,

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Speaker 1: so just a couple of months for the newer partners,

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Speaker 1: and they are much more casual than I would typically.

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Speaker 1: I think this change, this shift in dating around COVID

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Speaker 1: has really it's increased the number of people who are

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Speaker 1: willing to entertain multiple partner relationships, but it's also increased

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Speaker 1: the level of casualness, like, well, we don't know exactly

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Speaker 1: what's going to happen or whether we'll have to go

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Speaker 1: into lockdown again or we don't know, so there's less

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Speaker 1: like long term plans, at least in my area. I'm

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Speaker 1: in New England, and that's what I'm seeing happen is like,

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Speaker 1: maybe we won't plan to like necessarily be in each

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Speaker 1: other's lives forever, because what if we all find ourselves

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Speaker 1: locked down next year and then then what what do

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Speaker 1: we do? How are you starting these conversations with new people,

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Speaker 1: like is there an app for polyamory that we don't

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Speaker 1: know about? Or like how does this start? Because are

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Speaker 1: you just going out and meeting people in the same

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Speaker 1: way that someone looking for a monogamous relationship is and

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Speaker 1: you just kind of drop on them. By the way,

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Speaker 1: I'm dating this amount of people too, So I do

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Speaker 1: actually wear a wedding ring. Um. I haven't always, but

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Speaker 1: I do because I do like it. It's really pretty. Um.

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Speaker 1: I date mostly off of the major apps, Okay, Cupid

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Speaker 1: and all the normal ones because you can just say like, yep,

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Speaker 1: I'm non monogamous. You can just check up. So I

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Speaker 1: don't tend to go and say hinge or bumble, because

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Speaker 1: those are designed for people to find their person in

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Speaker 1: that monogamous sense of the word, and I like to

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Speaker 1: honor that if people are looking, I think monogamy is great.

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Speaker 1: I don't actually I am a relationship style like no,

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Speaker 1: do what works for you. So, but but choose the

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Speaker 1: dating app that makes the most sense. Like, if I

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Speaker 1: want to hook up, Tinder is a great place to be,

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Speaker 1: but if I want a long term, um polyamorous connection,

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Speaker 1: then Field might be a better choice. Okay, Cupid has

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Speaker 1: proven pretty decent in my area, and there are others

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Speaker 1: as well, and there are some Polly specific ones. They

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Speaker 1: tend to be more regionally useful, like the Pacific Northwest

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Speaker 1: will have, like you know, like one that works well

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Speaker 1: there because people happen to be on it, so you

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Speaker 1: kind of have to You have to tap into your

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Speaker 1: community and find out like yeah, because it's usually not

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Speaker 1: at the grocery store. Yeah, you're like, I really wish

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Speaker 1: it were that simple. And because of who I happened

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Speaker 1: to walk around the world with, Like we ran on

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Speaker 1: a CrossFit together, Nobody hit on me once while I

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Speaker 1: was a full time CrossFit trainer. Nobody hit on me

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Speaker 1: once because I had this six foot tall, brawny looking

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Speaker 1: dude next to me all the time, and he was like,

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Speaker 1: he's the least jealous human on the planet. What. People

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Speaker 1: just you know, they get a read of a situation,

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Speaker 1: They're like, I don't want any trouble. So it does

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Speaker 1: take a level of forthrightness and an assertion to say, like,

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Speaker 1: I mean I wear shirts that say I'm polyamorous, like

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Speaker 1: I actually literally advertise it at times because it is

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Speaker 1: not typical. However, it's not that unusual either. It's five

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Speaker 1: percent of the population in any given time, and up

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Speaker 1: to studies have shown of people who are have tried

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Speaker 1: it at some point. And the most recent study I

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Speaker 1: saw a survey at you dot gov was um about

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Speaker 1: fort of gen z is willing to consider. Not make

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Speaker 1: sense to me. With gen zah, they're much more open,

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Speaker 1: and maybe the programming that we got is kind of

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Speaker 1: fading out in a lot of ways and so they

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Speaker 1: aren't getting it as hardcore as we did. Totally, plus,

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Speaker 1: with with this economy, I mean, it just doesn't make

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Speaker 1: sense to have one partner. Seven makes way more sense.

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Speaker 1: The mortgage will be much more affordable. The bigger right

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Speaker 1: the house does Yes, that's right. All right, Well, we

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Speaker 1: did get some listener questions, and now that the people

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Speaker 1: know how um informed you are, I think that helps,

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Speaker 1: and so let's just dive into what some of the

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Speaker 1: listeners wrote in today. We did kind of put it

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Speaker 1: under the topic of what are you guys looking for

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Speaker 1: come spring? You know, like this is the time people

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Speaker 1: are getting out and they have a lot of questions.

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Speaker 1: I've I've been confused of like what people bumped up

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Speaker 1: against in the winter season, because it seemed like it

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Speaker 1: was just this prolonged COVID. Like, I think people are

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Speaker 1: really ready to get out to date and they have

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Speaker 1: some questions. So let's just start with this one because

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Speaker 1: I think it's kind of a simple question. I just

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Speaker 1: wanted to ask one on top of it. But this

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Speaker 1: guy wrote in sex is very important in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: so why not do it every day? I mean, I'm like,

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Speaker 1: well why not? Yeah, why not do it every day?

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Speaker 1: But so I'll switch the question too. Is there a number,

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Speaker 1: you know, based in psychology that means have a productive

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Speaker 1: relationship or you don't If we're considering sex, like I

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Speaker 1: think some people would be like, well, we're only having

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Speaker 1: sex once a week, so our relationships messed up, or

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Speaker 1: we have sex every day, that part is not a problem.

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Speaker 1: Is there like is it per relationship or is it um?

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Speaker 1: Is there a number that we can give people to

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Speaker 1: say like this is good and this is bad? Okay.

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Speaker 1: I have a very simple and definitive answer for this question.

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Speaker 1: Most questions I would not be this definitive about. There

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Speaker 1: is no answer to the amount of sex that makes

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Speaker 1: for a healthy relationship. There is absolutely no answer. I

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Speaker 1: know people who have sex three times a day and

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Speaker 1: they've been married for twenty five years. I know people

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Speaker 1: who have never had sex with their core primary partner

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Speaker 1: and they are perfectly satisfied. Never never. A sexuality is

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Speaker 1: a very real thing. There are lots of people in

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Speaker 1: this world. There are as many a sexual people as

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Speaker 1: there are redheads in the world. What yeah, like think

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Speaker 1: about that way? Slocked me right. Yeah, So that's just

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Speaker 1: a way to think about it. We don't have like

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Speaker 1: hard data. We have estimates based on the very small

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Speaker 1: studies that have looked into this. A sexuality just means

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Speaker 1: we don't experience desire or interest in sex, and that's

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Speaker 1: a normal variation of being a human. So if you

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Speaker 1: just think about that, Well, should an a sexual person

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Speaker 1: have sex? Then, like if they don't want to, I mean,

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Speaker 1: we're consent forwards, So the answer would we know? What

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Speaker 1: they do need to do is be in relationship with

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Speaker 1: people who that works for. And that can look a

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Speaker 1: lot of ways, right, somebody might it might be two

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Speaker 1: people who are a sexual, might be a monopoly situation

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Speaker 1: where one person is romantically involved. Plus there's there's so

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Speaker 1: much variation and what is sex anyways? What does it

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Speaker 1: mean when we say how much sex should I have?

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Speaker 1: What kind? What do you mean? Like if I get

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Speaker 1: a light fingering, did I did I have sex that day?

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Speaker 1: Or is it like we're telling me we're not being

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Speaker 1: that reductive that it's only penis and vagina, because that's

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Speaker 1: like that like we're way past that now. So we

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Speaker 1: have to think about what does it mean for I

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Speaker 1: love my anchor partner's description of sex his is the

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Speaker 1: overlapping of two people's erotic stories. So that's a pretty

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Speaker 1: broad definition. You can do that on the phone, no problem. Um.

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Speaker 1: And in that case, yeah, I definitely have sex more

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Speaker 1: than once a day every day my like my whole

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Speaker 1: adult life. But if I went for like somebody else's

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Speaker 1: definition of what sex is, I'd probably be unhappy one

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Speaker 1: way or the other. I'd probably be having too much

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Speaker 1: or too little. So it's all about defining for yourself

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Speaker 1: what's gonna work for you, what the range is, and

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Speaker 1: then negotiating with your partner. And this is what I

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Speaker 1: do with my coaching clients all the time. It's like,

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Speaker 1: how do you negotiate to get your needs met? And

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Speaker 1: how do you tell the difference between a need I

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Speaker 1: don't want M because we can want a lot of things,

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Speaker 1: but that doesn't mean we need it right. And it

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Speaker 1: is so interesting in like terms of program when you're

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Speaker 1: talking about what sex is. I was just thinking, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we do have programming around how many times we should

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Speaker 1: be doing it too or not doing it, and like

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Speaker 1: what does it mean if we're doing it this much?

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Speaker 1: And what does it mean if we're not. And I

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Speaker 1: didn't even think about that as being kind of just

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Speaker 1: inside of there. But there have been times in relationships

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Speaker 1: where I'm like, oh God, we haven't had sex and

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Speaker 1: this amount of time, what's wrong? It means yeah, like

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Speaker 1: it has to mean something. It's like looking up in

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Speaker 1: a dream dictionary. I like, no, it just I promise

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Speaker 1: like a bear does not always mean right right that

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Speaker 1: you're going to die. It does not. So if you

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Speaker 1: if you think about what you actually want and what

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Speaker 1: you need, and then you compare that over the course

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Speaker 1: of time, even Okay, well, how often do we need

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Speaker 1: to revisit this? Like I happened to be a kind

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Speaker 1: of person who had sex very quickly after childbirth. I

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Speaker 1: was healed well and I felt great now. I liked it. Also,

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Speaker 1: I have a broad definition of what's exis. But I

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Speaker 1: know people who will abstain for a whole year after

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Speaker 1: after childbirth, and they find other ways to be erotically satisfied.

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Speaker 1: There are so many ways to do this. So when

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Speaker 1: you say sex is very important to a relationship, I

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Speaker 1: say yes, but it's certainly not the only thing that's important.

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Speaker 1: If it's the most important thing, if it's a foundational

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Speaker 1: stone to your relationship and your and you want to

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Speaker 1: have sex every day, go for it. There's something wrong

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Speaker 1: with that. You have not crossed over some magical line

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Speaker 1: into something like sex addiction. You're like, no, it's so

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Speaker 1: much more nuanced than that. I think it's interesting. Um Oh,

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Speaker 1: I just had a turn of thought that I lost shoots, Um,

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Speaker 1: it'll come back to me. But it was something about

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Speaker 1: it was how we were talking about having it. Oh,

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Speaker 1: it's a very similar thing to how you have to

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Speaker 1: do this in all parts of your relationship, defining what

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Speaker 1: your core values are because like to some people, I

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Speaker 1: mean you're talking about these people who are a sexual

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Speaker 1: it's not important, right, And then to other people it's

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Speaker 1: the most important thing in a relationship. And so I

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Speaker 1: guess it's like picking a partner that's in line with

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Speaker 1: those values. I've never thought of it as a value system. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: piece of your value system, a piece of it or

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Speaker 1: and and it could be a part of how you

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Speaker 1: feel loved. How do you feel loved seen? So for

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Speaker 1: me to be loved is to be seen right, to

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Speaker 1: be really seen, if if being met erotically, being really

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Speaker 1: really seen and enjoyed and having that deliciousness is part

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Speaker 1: of how you feel you're even in a relationship. I

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Speaker 1: don't think you should settle, but I do think that

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Speaker 1: you might have to meet that need creatively. A lot

401
00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:47,920
Speaker 1: of us could stand to open the window of what

402
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Speaker 1: we consider to be sex right, really broaden that and

403
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Speaker 1: then we can get that into that values alignment more

404
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Speaker 1: easily with partners were already established with because I would

405
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Speaker 1: hate for something and be like, oh, my partner does

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Speaker 1: and like to have sex as much as me, and

407
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,400
Speaker 1: then to sign off on that. Right, there's a lot

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Speaker 1: of ways we can negotiate this. And then like what

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Speaker 1: if someone's listening and or maybe this guy and he's like, well,

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Speaker 1: my partner doesn't want to and we can't negotiate. What

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Speaker 1: suggestions do you have? Yeah, Well, the question of negotiation

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Speaker 1: comes up a lot for me. What does it mean

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Speaker 1: when when your partner says no? What are they saying

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Speaker 1: no to if? Because a lot of times um sis

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Speaker 1: gender men will often just tell me that they initiate

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Speaker 1: by following a whole bunch of nonverbal cues. You know,

417
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Speaker 1: they'll say, touch her waist and then wait to see

418
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Speaker 1: if does she respond in the in the way they

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00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:43,080
Speaker 1: have a pattern, Right, they have a little dance, and

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Speaker 1: if the dance doesn't play out exactly the way, then

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Speaker 1: then he then he doesn't take it to the next step. Well,

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00:22:50,359 --> 00:22:53,280
Speaker 1: there's just so much left out there. There's no conversation,

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Speaker 1: there's there's just a pattern. So I want people to

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Speaker 1: negotiate from a real conversation, like how if you are

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00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,920
Speaker 1: not able to have this conversation on your own, then

426
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:05,879
Speaker 1: get in front of a coach, get in front of

427
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Speaker 1: a therapist, and have these conversations. Because negotiating around your

428
00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:12,840
Speaker 1: sex life is complicated. We weren't taught how to do this,

429
00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:16,840
Speaker 1: so it's normal for it to be hard. But don't

430
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,600
Speaker 1: assume just because your partners shrugging you off that that

431
00:23:19,640 --> 00:23:21,400
Speaker 1: means that they don't want sex. They might not want

432
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,080
Speaker 1: the sex to being offered. That's a great point, like

433
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,320
Speaker 1: find out the why behind this, and then you can

434
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,880
Speaker 1: kind of change the way you're Yeah, the way you're

435
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,280
Speaker 1: even approaching them. Like if if there's tons of criticism

436
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 1: in a relationship, is necessarily going to want that? You know,

437
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,159
Speaker 1: I'm I'm hyper gendering that there, But no, right, so

438
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:42,000
Speaker 1: maybe there's something else that has to shift, and then

439
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:46,000
Speaker 1: the sex shifts. There's Yeah, And I think a normal

440
00:23:46,080 --> 00:23:49,400
Speaker 1: human reaction to being rejected is to be like mad

441
00:23:49,520 --> 00:23:51,320
Speaker 1: or shame the person. And it's like, well, that's not

442
00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,920
Speaker 1: going to make them want to have sex with you either,

443
00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,959
Speaker 1: so it's like it just perpetuates the issue. Now we're

444
00:23:56,000 --> 00:23:59,040
Speaker 1: in the cycle. Right, Yeah, I wasn't even thinking that

445
00:23:59,119 --> 00:24:01,919
Speaker 1: like it could be as simple as like the way

446
00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:06,159
Speaker 1: that he is trying to initiate sex is annoying because

447
00:24:06,160 --> 00:24:09,679
Speaker 1: what you really want is to talk about it. But

448
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:12,520
Speaker 1: then you don't talk to You don't say I need

449
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,880
Speaker 1: you to talk to me about these things, not just

450
00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:20,920
Speaker 1: rub my tummy gets so I just causes this. It's

451
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:25,040
Speaker 1: a bad cycle. It's funnily you feel disconnected, exactly. I

452
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:27,280
Speaker 1: I talk to people all the time about like, increase

453
00:24:27,320 --> 00:24:30,679
Speaker 1: your sexual vocabulary with your partner. Figure out what words

454
00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:33,560
Speaker 1: work for the two of you and use them. Like

455
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,159
Speaker 1: some people don't want to hear certain words. Great, I

456
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,480
Speaker 1: actually I have a list, like, Okay, cross off the

457
00:24:38,520 --> 00:24:40,600
Speaker 1: ones you don't want to hear, circle the ones you want,

458
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,360
Speaker 1: put a big star next the ones that really turn

459
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:45,920
Speaker 1: you on. Now start using those words. And if you

460
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 1: don't like to talk, if you're or if you go nonverbal,

461
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:52,080
Speaker 1: right sext to each other, like carry a whiteboard around.

462
00:24:52,119 --> 00:24:54,600
Speaker 1: I don't care, write messages on the fridge. I have

463
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:57,240
Speaker 1: passed I have passed notes to my own husband. That

464
00:24:57,480 --> 00:25:00,119
Speaker 1: is a real thing. Is whatever you have to do

465
00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:04,240
Speaker 1: to simmer that person and like really engage in the dialogue.

466
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:09,200
Speaker 1: That's where the magic is yeah, Chip has actually just

467
00:25:09,280 --> 00:25:11,760
Speaker 1: thought of the scheduled sex conversation when she was talking

468
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:14,639
Speaker 1: about passing notes, because Chip has a real block to

469
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:16,600
Speaker 1: schedule sex. And I'm like, but it can be really

470
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 1: sexy and hot, and like, I think there's ways to

471
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:23,520
Speaker 1: make it like really exciting. So what do you when

472
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:26,159
Speaker 1: you say pass notes, Like, what are these kind of

473
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:30,440
Speaker 1: tricks that we can use that are maybe instigating or

474
00:25:30,760 --> 00:25:35,560
Speaker 1: approaching that could be scheduled and maybe they're not talked

475
00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,240
Speaker 1: about because like there's not spontaneous. Well, and I want

476
00:25:38,280 --> 00:25:42,359
Speaker 1: to clarify the scheduled sex. Okay, if you're like, every

477
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:45,960
Speaker 1: Wednesday at nine, we're banging, that to me sounds boring.

478
00:25:46,080 --> 00:25:47,800
Speaker 1: But if you're at work in your horny and you

479
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,440
Speaker 1: like text your partner like it's going down tonight and

480
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:54,359
Speaker 1: then it becomes something that is an anticipation sort of

481
00:25:54,440 --> 00:25:57,840
Speaker 1: situation that I think can be incredibly sexy. But when

482
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:00,240
Speaker 1: your sex life has gotten to a point where it

483
00:26:00,359 --> 00:26:04,240
Speaker 1: is so boring that all you're giving it is Wednesdays

484
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:06,960
Speaker 1: at nine, that to me sounds like the death of

485
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,359
Speaker 1: a relationship. It's so funny that you say this because

486
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:15,640
Speaker 1: literally last week I posted scheduled sex is sexy. Ditch

487
00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:18,360
Speaker 1: the lie that sex has to be spontaneous to be awesome.

488
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:26,760
Speaker 1: And I think I think I did. I don't think

489
00:26:27,720 --> 00:26:31,200
Speaker 1: it got a lot of likes. We got a lot

490
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:34,440
Speaker 1: of likes. And and here's why I don't think we

491
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:38,480
Speaker 1: have fully understood what scheduled sex can do. One of

492
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:40,040
Speaker 1: the things you can do is set a baseline of

493
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:45,120
Speaker 1: contact between partners. It can set anticipation in motion. If

494
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,280
Speaker 1: I know I'm going to have sex every Wednesday at nine, okay, cool,

495
00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:51,040
Speaker 1: then treat it like a date. It's a date. Damn,

496
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:54,199
Speaker 1: it's a date. So you know, I personally will take

497
00:26:54,240 --> 00:26:56,400
Speaker 1: a shower and shave my legs, and I will put

498
00:26:56,440 --> 00:26:58,480
Speaker 1: on the perfume and do all the things. Treat it

499
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 1: like a date. If it's it's Wednesday at nine, So

500
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:03,600
Speaker 1: I guess I have to You're right, that's boring, and

501
00:27:03,640 --> 00:27:05,840
Speaker 1: that would be boring if I was also, you know,

502
00:27:06,720 --> 00:27:08,760
Speaker 1: she took me to dinner. I guess I'm having sex.

503
00:27:09,359 --> 00:27:13,359
Speaker 1: Like yeah, if it's boring, it's boring. But scheduling sex

504
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:17,520
Speaker 1: can create a baseline. And if you have a complicated life,

505
00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,240
Speaker 1: I mean, you know who has a lot of sex.

506
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:25,040
Speaker 1: Polyamorous people you know what my calendar looks like, Yeah,

507
00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: it has Yeah, so it's not inherently a negative. But

508
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,000
Speaker 1: if we if we think of scheduled sex as negative,

509
00:27:37,080 --> 00:27:39,480
Speaker 1: then we're gonna again get into that cycle of like, oh,

510
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: this isn't the good kind of sex. Spontaneous sex is

511
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:45,280
Speaker 1: the good kind as soon as we put value judgments

512
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:49,520
Speaker 1: on the kind of sex we're having. Whose values are those? Really? Like?

513
00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,479
Speaker 1: Like really like where did that message come from? Did

514
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:53,920
Speaker 1: you get it from the media, did you get it

515
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:55,639
Speaker 1: from your parents, did you get it from your you know,

516
00:27:55,840 --> 00:28:00,320
Speaker 1: high school like experience. Because if you can take that

517
00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:03,399
Speaker 1: value judgment off and say does this work for me?

518
00:28:03,760 --> 00:28:07,800
Speaker 1: Does this work? Do I enjoy what I'm getting? There

519
00:28:07,920 --> 00:28:12,040
Speaker 1: is a very good chance that having scheduled sex can

520
00:28:12,119 --> 00:28:15,719
Speaker 1: then be leveraged into having more spontaneous sex too. Right,

521
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:19,000
Speaker 1: if I have a baseline, now it's easier, because what's

522
00:28:19,040 --> 00:28:23,359
Speaker 1: harder than going just a random intermittent number of days,

523
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:27,800
Speaker 1: weeks or months, and now somebody has to initiate that

524
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:29,959
Speaker 1: is not cool. And if you have little kids at home,

525
00:28:30,040 --> 00:28:32,760
Speaker 1: you know how this goes, Like a scheduled Sunday morning

526
00:28:32,840 --> 00:28:36,439
Speaker 1: romp to keep the keep everything running, not the worst thing.

527
00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:39,120
Speaker 1: I have seven kids, I like definitely got scheduled save

528
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:44,240
Speaker 1: Sunday morning romps for years. Don't need it anymore. But yeah, yeah,

529
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,960
Speaker 1: it's interesting. All right, let's move on to the next question.

530
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:50,000
Speaker 1: This says, looking forward to moving in with my boyfriend

531
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:56,880
Speaker 1: this spring. Any tips to ease the transition to living together? Oh? God, okay, yeah,

532
00:28:57,640 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 1: Oh so much good stuff there. First off, conversations about

533
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:05,520
Speaker 1: things that you don't think you need to have conversations about.

534
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,480
Speaker 1: It's it's the the easiest time to make shifts in

535
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:13,640
Speaker 1: a relationship are actually during these transition moments. You're in

536
00:29:13,720 --> 00:29:16,640
Speaker 1: what I think of as liminal space. You're in between phases.

537
00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:22,280
Speaker 1: So consider your relationship in a negotiation phase. Treat it

538
00:29:22,400 --> 00:29:24,520
Speaker 1: like that. Be excited if you were in if you

539
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:26,680
Speaker 1: were selling a business, you'd be like, oh, everything in

540
00:29:26,680 --> 00:29:29,640
Speaker 1: my life is changing. Time to rethink how is this

541
00:29:29,720 --> 00:29:32,520
Speaker 1: going to work? If you're moving in with someone, this

542
00:29:32,680 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 1: is a great time to talk about the stuff that

543
00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:38,320
Speaker 1: hasn't been talked about already. How often do we want

544
00:29:38,320 --> 00:29:41,120
Speaker 1: to be having sex? What is sex? Um? How do

545
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:44,080
Speaker 1: we handle emotional labor? What is emotional labor? Oh, you

546
00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:46,680
Speaker 1: don't know what emotional labor is let's have that conversation.

547
00:29:47,200 --> 00:29:50,040
Speaker 1: How are we going to handle going paying our bills?

548
00:29:50,080 --> 00:29:51,560
Speaker 1: How are we going to do that. There's a million

549
00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:56,520
Speaker 1: conversations to have, and having them isn't the risk. The

550
00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:00,400
Speaker 1: risk is always in not having them. I know most

551
00:30:00,480 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 1: of us were not modeled at this, but the risk

552
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:07,040
Speaker 1: is always in shutting up and just bearing with what happens.

553
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:09,200
Speaker 1: What you set up in those first few months is

554
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:12,000
Speaker 1: what you're going to have. Yeah, most people will live

555
00:30:12,080 --> 00:30:16,040
Speaker 1: unconsciously it is because also, I mean I feel like

556
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:18,280
Speaker 1: a lot of people would say you don't really know

557
00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,480
Speaker 1: someone until you live with them, and so it's kind

558
00:30:21,480 --> 00:30:23,920
Speaker 1: of scary to think that we're actually not having these

559
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:26,120
Speaker 1: conversations and we're moving in and then we're all of

560
00:30:26,160 --> 00:30:28,200
Speaker 1: a sudden like whoa, whoa, whoa, we have a huge

561
00:30:28,240 --> 00:30:31,040
Speaker 1: issue with someone. But it's like, well, you didn't even

562
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:34,960
Speaker 1: know that person fully because you didn't have these conversations,

563
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: so you don't even know if you're really compatible. Well.

564
00:30:37,520 --> 00:30:39,480
Speaker 1: I think it's also too when I think back to

565
00:30:39,680 --> 00:30:43,720
Speaker 1: like breakdowns and past relationships, like often it was things

566
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,080
Speaker 1: that I can like look back and be like, this

567
00:30:46,280 --> 00:30:49,640
Speaker 1: is a really small thing that became a big issue

568
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:54,520
Speaker 1: for me, and um, I like not having the courage

569
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,680
Speaker 1: to have a conversation about the small thing probably is

570
00:30:57,720 --> 00:31:00,600
Speaker 1: a direct result of not having the cur in the

571
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:04,000
Speaker 1: beginning to have the conversations about the big things, because

572
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:07,000
Speaker 1: once you've had those, the small things are easy conversations

573
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:10,640
Speaker 1: and you establish what you do, Like this is how

574
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,080
Speaker 1: we deal with relating and most of us. So you

575
00:31:13,320 --> 00:31:16,400
Speaker 1: you bump into somebody and you start dating, and you

576
00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:20,480
Speaker 1: you start dating someone, you are projecting a whole bunch

577
00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:24,080
Speaker 1: of your psyche onto It's your idea, your imagination of

578
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:27,040
Speaker 1: who they are. Do you want to have a relationship

579
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:30,520
Speaker 1: for the next twenty years with somebody you imagined into

580
00:31:30,600 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 1: being or do you want to relate to that person?

581
00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:36,200
Speaker 1: If it's that person, then I want you to lean

582
00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:39,760
Speaker 1: into the awkward hard and have the conversations. And you

583
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:42,040
Speaker 1: can blame me. You can just say, like Julie said,

584
00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:46,000
Speaker 1: we had to. It's fine. Um, I have a structured

585
00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 1: guide for like what is sex? The conversation, the four

586
00:31:48,680 --> 00:31:51,120
Speaker 1: part conversation to have to figure out what sex is

587
00:31:51,200 --> 00:31:53,400
Speaker 1: for the two of you, that's fine, just have it.

588
00:31:54,440 --> 00:31:58,440
Speaker 1: Um You're totally right, Chip. If you got annoyed later

589
00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:00,560
Speaker 1: by something that you're like, why am I so like

590
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:03,480
Speaker 1: this is such a big deal to me. Yeah, there's

591
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,720
Speaker 1: something bigger under the surface, something that wasn't spoken that

592
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,040
Speaker 1: needed to be And now you don't even know how

593
00:32:09,240 --> 00:32:10,760
Speaker 1: Now where do we even begin? And now we can't

594
00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:14,800
Speaker 1: talk about how you load the dishwasher? Right? Where is

595
00:32:14,840 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 1: the guide for those questions? Because I feel like this

596
00:32:16,920 --> 00:32:19,800
Speaker 1: girl might want to go look at anybody who wants

597
00:32:19,800 --> 00:32:22,200
Speaker 1: a guy can go to listen to Jolie dot com

598
00:32:22,600 --> 00:32:25,000
Speaker 1: and grab there's five of my jealousy guides in there too.

599
00:32:25,160 --> 00:32:27,560
Speaker 1: So yeah, that's a really we've had a conversation about

600
00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:30,680
Speaker 1: that before. Okay, Um, this goes back to sex. My

601
00:32:30,800 --> 00:32:33,480
Speaker 1: man said he masturbates two memories of women he has

602
00:32:33,520 --> 00:32:37,640
Speaker 1: been within the past thoughts. I was triggered. I was like,

603
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,160
Speaker 1: I'm really glad Jolie's coming on because I would be like,

604
00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,840
Speaker 1: oh no, this is not okay with me, especially from

605
00:32:42,920 --> 00:32:47,080
Speaker 1: the past, because they have such a history. Okay, I know,

606
00:32:47,800 --> 00:32:53,240
Speaker 1: retroactive jealousy mean retroactive jealousy means being jealous of something

607
00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:55,960
Speaker 1: that is not happening currently what happened in the past.

608
00:32:56,920 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 1: So this skirts the line of that because he's actively

609
00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 1: and like fantasizing about them now. But the relationship happened

610
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:08,560
Speaker 1: in the past. What we have here is really an

611
00:33:08,640 --> 00:33:13,320
Speaker 1: issue of what are our boundaries? And I get really

612
00:33:13,440 --> 00:33:17,120
Speaker 1: nervous when people start to want to control other people's imagination.

613
00:33:17,680 --> 00:33:21,200
Speaker 1: It is a very tender spot. Your imagination is the

614
00:33:21,240 --> 00:33:24,800
Speaker 1: most powerful and personal thing you have. Your imagination creates

615
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:29,320
Speaker 1: your reality. So if somebody else says I don't want

616
00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:32,040
Speaker 1: you to fantasize to that, my next question is, cool,

617
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:36,120
Speaker 1: what if I dream about it? I can't control that now.

618
00:33:36,200 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 1: Do you want me to keep it a secret or

619
00:33:37,600 --> 00:33:38,760
Speaker 1: do you want me to talk to you about it?

620
00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:43,440
Speaker 1: Because I would much rather, and much much rather have

621
00:33:43,600 --> 00:33:47,320
Speaker 1: my partner talk to me about these things and share

622
00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,200
Speaker 1: it with me so that it's out in the open

623
00:33:49,800 --> 00:33:52,320
Speaker 1: and so we can talk about, Oh, is he fantasizing

624
00:33:52,360 --> 00:33:56,240
Speaker 1: about something that is that he feels is missing or

625
00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,800
Speaker 1: am I just feeling it that way? I'm taking it

626
00:33:58,920 --> 00:34:02,040
Speaker 1: on as an insecurity, but in fact he's just he's

627
00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:05,160
Speaker 1: just getting off to a memory because because that's what

628
00:34:05,280 --> 00:34:08,759
Speaker 1: humans do. I mean, we masturbate in the womb, like

629
00:34:08,840 --> 00:34:15,440
Speaker 1: we we we are very capable of seeking pleasure. If

630
00:34:15,719 --> 00:34:20,399
Speaker 1: if what he's doing is more complex than that, if

631
00:34:20,560 --> 00:34:24,960
Speaker 1: there is um an intentional attempt to make her jealous

632
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:28,400
Speaker 1: by like sort of teasing or taunting her with the idea,

633
00:34:29,040 --> 00:34:32,920
Speaker 1: or by setting these former lovers in in opposition to

634
00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:35,399
Speaker 1: her in some way, I would say, Okay, now you've

635
00:34:35,480 --> 00:34:39,120
Speaker 1: you've got a pretty significant conversation to have, possibly with

636
00:34:39,200 --> 00:34:43,120
Speaker 1: a therapist about how do we handle our boundaries Like that.

637
00:34:43,360 --> 00:34:45,080
Speaker 1: That's just not a nice way to be treated. I

638
00:34:45,080 --> 00:34:47,640
Speaker 1: don't I wouldn't want my partner to compare me to something.

639
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:50,440
Speaker 1: That was how I read it. Was like the triangulation

640
00:34:50,719 --> 00:34:54,040
Speaker 1: between comparing you to another partner and why you aren't

641
00:34:54,239 --> 00:34:57,279
Speaker 1: enough or something like that was how I interpreted that

642
00:34:58,200 --> 00:35:02,000
Speaker 1: would be to go there, yeah, yeah, like like what

643
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:06,040
Speaker 1: didn't you let go of from the past that you

644
00:35:06,239 --> 00:35:10,239
Speaker 1: would need to or that you would enjoy fantasizing about now?

645
00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,800
Speaker 1: So I guess you know what I mean. So my

646
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:15,840
Speaker 1: mind instantly went to so what he has is a

647
00:35:16,600 --> 00:35:18,960
Speaker 1: whole bunch of live show porn in his head and

648
00:35:19,040 --> 00:35:20,520
Speaker 1: he just flips through it and he's like, I'm gonna

649
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:22,480
Speaker 1: like this one. So I went to a more neutral

650
00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:25,920
Speaker 1: stance of like sure, sometimes you just go to an

651
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:28,279
Speaker 1: image that you have, You go to that that old real,

652
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,440
Speaker 1: and you play it out. I didn't read it as

653
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:37,239
Speaker 1: automatically comparative, because humans like novelty. Humans like novelty. Esther

654
00:35:37,320 --> 00:35:40,280
Speaker 1: Perel's work talks about this so much, about the paradox.

655
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:43,480
Speaker 1: If we want security and we want novelty, there is

656
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:48,360
Speaker 1: novelty just means variety, like okay something, and so instead

657
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,080
Speaker 1: of having the same partner all the time, you want

658
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:53,040
Speaker 1: to fantasize about something different, right or we I mean

659
00:35:53,239 --> 00:35:55,960
Speaker 1: humans we really like novelty. I mean we seek out

660
00:35:56,000 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 1: weird foods, we we try, we we change the colors

661
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:03,120
Speaker 1: in our house. Is constantly like we are novelty seeking creatures.

662
00:36:03,560 --> 00:36:07,360
Speaker 1: So if you think about a person wanting novelty but

663
00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:12,560
Speaker 1: also wanting to stay in their monogamous promise, well turning

664
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:15,960
Speaker 1: to fantasy as a way to access novelty, it feels

665
00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:20,479
Speaker 1: pretty reasonable to me. Now, how they negotiate this could

666
00:36:20,520 --> 00:36:23,920
Speaker 1: be about how they share about it um, because sometimes

667
00:36:24,120 --> 00:36:27,719
Speaker 1: more transparency helps. Maybe this isn't about comparison. Maybe this

668
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:30,960
Speaker 1: is about I want to share fantasies of other people

669
00:36:31,320 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 1: with you. I would love to be able to do that.

670
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:36,279
Speaker 1: Maybe this is his way of teasing that idea of

671
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:39,560
Speaker 1: I would love to be able to fantasize about others

672
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:42,960
Speaker 1: verbally with you out loud um And he could be

673
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:46,120
Speaker 1: or it could be that this is a lever that

674
00:36:46,200 --> 00:36:49,239
Speaker 1: he's pulling that he knows will bother her and we'll

675
00:36:49,280 --> 00:36:51,520
Speaker 1: set off a trauma response. And if it's that, we

676
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:54,040
Speaker 1: have a bigger issue. If the guy is a jerk,

677
00:36:54,080 --> 00:36:57,080
Speaker 1: then the guy's a jerk, and deal with the issue.

678
00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,720
Speaker 1: That's a bigger issue. I also think it's interesting because

679
00:37:00,160 --> 00:37:02,399
Speaker 1: it's funny with guys to me because they get really

680
00:37:02,560 --> 00:37:05,160
Speaker 1: upset with quote unquote women. I'm just using this. This

681
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:08,520
Speaker 1: is what I've experienced women being so jealous. But like

682
00:37:08,760 --> 00:37:11,720
Speaker 1: if a woman in my experiences, like with my friends

683
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:13,640
Speaker 1: and stuff, if a woman that I know said this

684
00:37:13,760 --> 00:37:16,440
Speaker 1: to her male partner, he would lose a ship like

685
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,759
Speaker 1: they wouldn't. That's a generalization, but like a lot of times,

686
00:37:20,840 --> 00:37:24,719
Speaker 1: I find men's masculinity to be very threatened when they

687
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,360
Speaker 1: don't expect it, but they they expect us to be

688
00:37:27,440 --> 00:37:32,200
Speaker 1: okay with certain behaviors. We've been given a social setup

689
00:37:32,560 --> 00:37:38,600
Speaker 1: that tells us that reinforces what evolutionary psychology has shown exists.

690
00:37:38,640 --> 00:37:41,480
Speaker 1: So there's this if we were deposit a binary of

691
00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:46,239
Speaker 1: male and female, which big old caveat there. But if

692
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:50,080
Speaker 1: we were and then we said, okay, the evolutionary psychologists

693
00:37:50,160 --> 00:37:52,600
Speaker 1: can show us that men tend to be more jealous

694
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:55,920
Speaker 1: of sexual escapades on the parts of their partners and

695
00:37:56,000 --> 00:38:00,680
Speaker 1: women tend to be more jealous of emotional entanglements. But

696
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 1: we've also now lived in this society, like you were

697
00:38:04,000 --> 00:38:07,279
Speaker 1: born into a society that then reinforces that every song

698
00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:11,319
Speaker 1: you listen to, like listen to every watch, every movie,

699
00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:14,759
Speaker 1: every rom com. So is it just your DNA, is

700
00:38:14,840 --> 00:38:17,239
Speaker 1: it just your biology? Or have you been brought up

701
00:38:17,320 --> 00:38:20,560
Speaker 1: to believe that this is how men should act because

702
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,399
Speaker 1: we also have a prefrontal cortex and we can apply

703
00:38:23,480 --> 00:38:28,160
Speaker 1: our judgment to this. And jealousy is surmountable, It absolutely is,

704
00:38:28,200 --> 00:38:30,160
Speaker 1: but most people take it as just a thing that's

705
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:34,160
Speaker 1: happening to them. So anybody who's struggling with jealousy, I

706
00:38:34,320 --> 00:38:37,640
Speaker 1: invite you deeply into the work of reflecting on the

707
00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:40,200
Speaker 1: fact that jealousy is neutral until you decide how to

708
00:38:40,280 --> 00:38:47,680
Speaker 1: act on it just is yeah, yeah, I mean, it's

709
00:38:47,719 --> 00:38:49,719
Speaker 1: something that I definitely struggle with it, and why I

710
00:38:49,840 --> 00:38:53,120
Speaker 1: know that I could never even attempt polyamory because I

711
00:38:53,200 --> 00:38:55,839
Speaker 1: would feel like I would in my mind it would

712
00:38:55,880 --> 00:38:59,279
Speaker 1: be I'm the third wheel, you know, I'm the one

713
00:38:59,320 --> 00:39:02,040
Speaker 1: that's cared about at least they like each other more.

714
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:04,799
Speaker 1: And I know it's just a construct of my own imagination,

715
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:08,319
Speaker 1: but I don't know how to get past that. Most

716
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:12,040
Speaker 1: people don't just leap past it. And so there are

717
00:39:12,080 --> 00:39:16,440
Speaker 1: people who jealousy just isn't a very strong emotion for them,

718
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:18,840
Speaker 1: just like there are people for whom anger isn't a

719
00:39:18,920 --> 00:39:21,959
Speaker 1: really strong emotion for them. But there are also people

720
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:25,640
Speaker 1: who just tamped down their anger, right they're still feeling it.

721
00:39:26,239 --> 00:39:28,319
Speaker 1: Jealousy is the same way a sound chip. Like you're

722
00:39:28,760 --> 00:39:31,440
Speaker 1: aware of the fact that jealousy could pop out like

723
00:39:31,719 --> 00:39:35,239
Speaker 1: a monster at any point, and so you could you

724
00:39:35,280 --> 00:39:38,760
Speaker 1: could address that though through friendships. You could start working

725
00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:42,880
Speaker 1: with jealousy by paying attention to how you triangulate in friendships,

726
00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:46,200
Speaker 1: by noticing where you're comparing yourself to others. Like, there's

727
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,759
Speaker 1: so much personal work that you can do that's way

728
00:39:48,880 --> 00:39:52,320
Speaker 1: not about trying polyamory, because that's like, that's a level

729
00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:56,320
Speaker 1: level there's there's other steps you can take first, and

730
00:39:56,440 --> 00:39:58,520
Speaker 1: that's what If people are struggling with jealousy, I want

731
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:00,239
Speaker 1: them to think about all the ways of they can

732
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:02,960
Speaker 1: work with it differently, because just because it's hard for

733
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:05,719
Speaker 1: you doesn't mean you can't make real changes that will

734
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:10,719
Speaker 1: honestly just make life more pleasant. I think jealousy is

735
00:40:10,760 --> 00:40:13,440
Speaker 1: so interesting too, because like, even in reading this, obviously

736
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,600
Speaker 1: her guide told her this and so, and we don't

737
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:17,640
Speaker 1: know his intentions and that's what she would know to

738
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:21,360
Speaker 1: be able to make a better decision. Um, But you know,

739
00:40:21,480 --> 00:40:23,680
Speaker 1: I like the fact that he's communicating. Let's say he

740
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:25,840
Speaker 1: has good intentions and he's just wanting to bring her

741
00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:28,640
Speaker 1: into this, and they have that kind of dynamic. It

742
00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,680
Speaker 1: is an interesting thing because you want communication and I

743
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:34,920
Speaker 1: do feel like, or maybe this is from my experience,

744
00:40:35,000 --> 00:40:39,399
Speaker 1: when I feel secure in the relationship, the jealousy isn't

745
00:40:39,680 --> 00:40:43,120
Speaker 1: like thriving or coming to the surface. It's very much like,

746
00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:46,840
Speaker 1: let's be open together because I know I'm safe with

747
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:50,200
Speaker 1: you and whatever. If I'm not safe, it is like

748
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:54,440
Speaker 1: active active active, alert alert alert. I'm watching everything, I'm

749
00:40:54,600 --> 00:40:57,920
Speaker 1: very triggered, I'm snooping. It's all the stuff you know,

750
00:40:58,040 --> 00:41:00,359
Speaker 1: and so to me, it goes so much to your

751
00:41:00,400 --> 00:41:03,799
Speaker 1: relationship and your security level there first, like what's your

752
00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:07,280
Speaker 1: foundation here? Then when can we bring in other partners

753
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:10,440
Speaker 1: or fantasies or anything like that or fan Yeah, and

754
00:41:10,560 --> 00:41:14,759
Speaker 1: definitely imagination first before other partners, and and before all

755
00:41:14,880 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 1: of that, what's your security level with yourself? I really

756
00:41:19,360 --> 00:41:22,600
Speaker 1: struggle with security, like my own sense of security, like

757
00:41:22,880 --> 00:41:25,760
Speaker 1: tons of trauma, terrible first marriage, all sorts of stuff.

758
00:41:25,760 --> 00:41:28,040
Speaker 1: So I have to do a lot of personal work

759
00:41:28,400 --> 00:41:32,320
Speaker 1: in order to stay out of the comparison problem myself.

760
00:41:32,520 --> 00:41:34,560
Speaker 1: My partner is not the one doing that. I am.

761
00:41:35,239 --> 00:41:38,080
Speaker 1: The beautiful part about that is that it's my work

762
00:41:38,160 --> 00:41:41,200
Speaker 1: to do. I don't need him to fix jealousy. If

763
00:41:41,239 --> 00:41:43,719
Speaker 1: you ask your partner to change their behavior so that

764
00:41:43,800 --> 00:41:46,440
Speaker 1: you will feel differently, you're probably going to get a

765
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:50,520
Speaker 1: poorer result than if you address your sense of security,

766
00:41:50,560 --> 00:41:54,000
Speaker 1: your sense of groundedness, and your ability to hold a

767
00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:59,680
Speaker 1: boundary without saying you can't exist as a sexual being

768
00:41:59,719 --> 00:42:02,240
Speaker 1: in the world like look like they're in the world.

769
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:05,560
Speaker 1: They exist in a in a world filled with images.

770
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:13,759
Speaker 1: Our Instagram alone is just yeah, yeah, yeah. So I

771
00:42:14,080 --> 00:42:15,840
Speaker 1: work with a lot of people who are struggling with this,

772
00:42:15,920 --> 00:42:20,239
Speaker 1: and they get hyper vigilant about things like Instagram, for sure.

773
00:42:20,880 --> 00:42:23,239
Speaker 1: So it is because it's because I was in a

774
00:42:23,320 --> 00:42:27,040
Speaker 1: relationship where I couldn't express my boundaries and be heard,

775
00:42:27,760 --> 00:42:30,640
Speaker 1: and so like I was saying, even, let's have a

776
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:35,280
Speaker 1: conversation so I have an understanding of where you stand

777
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:37,960
Speaker 1: on this even and that wasn't being met. It was

778
00:42:38,160 --> 00:42:40,640
Speaker 1: very much like, no, let's float around and you just

779
00:42:40,760 --> 00:42:43,160
Speaker 1: need to trust me, and I can't do that. That

780
00:42:43,239 --> 00:42:48,279
Speaker 1: does anybody put anybody who puts the word just before trust, no, no,

781
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,840
Speaker 1: you need to just trust me. Trust is built on

782
00:42:51,880 --> 00:42:56,520
Speaker 1: a foundation. Asking for reassurance is completely reasonable. It's more

783
00:42:56,640 --> 00:43:00,080
Speaker 1: than reasonable asking for reassurance, asking to understand what your

784
00:43:00,080 --> 00:43:05,520
Speaker 1: partner's boundaries about understanding for me, because like what, how

785
00:43:05,560 --> 00:43:09,160
Speaker 1: do I know? Like I'm willing to be open and

786
00:43:09,280 --> 00:43:14,320
Speaker 1: vulnerable about, you know, my masturbation or my relationship with

787
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:17,040
Speaker 1: other men or whatever it is. But I want us

788
00:43:17,080 --> 00:43:19,319
Speaker 1: to discuss it together and I want us to come

789
00:43:19,400 --> 00:43:21,920
Speaker 1: up with the boundary that works for our relationship. And

790
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:24,120
Speaker 1: then if you can't do that and you're told to

791
00:43:24,239 --> 00:43:27,759
Speaker 1: just trust, it makes you spiral and you can't get

792
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:30,239
Speaker 1: out of that jealous place because it's just like everything's

793
00:43:30,239 --> 00:43:34,240
Speaker 1: a trigger and that's designed. Like someone saying just trust

794
00:43:34,719 --> 00:43:37,839
Speaker 1: is designed to leave them with an open door because

795
00:43:38,160 --> 00:43:41,120
Speaker 1: they're not engaged. Yeah, they're not engaging in in the

796
00:43:41,239 --> 00:43:45,160
Speaker 1: relating part of the relationship. And this is a huge problem.

797
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:48,120
Speaker 1: We see this across all generations. This is not owned

798
00:43:48,200 --> 00:43:51,480
Speaker 1: by any generation. I work with people in their seventies

799
00:43:51,480 --> 00:43:55,160
Speaker 1: who are still dealing with this. Yeah, we're just trust me.

800
00:43:55,320 --> 00:43:58,640
Speaker 1: She should just trust me, he should just as soon

801
00:43:58,719 --> 00:44:00,919
Speaker 1: as I hear them, I'm like, no, we've missed something

802
00:44:01,040 --> 00:44:05,280
Speaker 1: because we are. We are missing the opportunity to really

803
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:08,520
Speaker 1: hear and see what our partner craves and desires from

804
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:11,480
Speaker 1: us and figure out creatively how to meet that. Yeah,

805
00:44:11,560 --> 00:44:16,000
Speaker 1: and trust and security is earned to me, like reproven

806
00:44:16,400 --> 00:44:19,880
Speaker 1: over and right. Your actions show me that I can

807
00:44:19,960 --> 00:44:23,239
Speaker 1: trust you consistently. Like consistency is another piece of that.

808
00:44:23,560 --> 00:44:25,640
Speaker 1: So anyway, I don't know what the situation is for

809
00:44:25,719 --> 00:44:28,680
Speaker 1: this girl, but it does sound like communication of some

810
00:44:28,800 --> 00:44:31,880
Speaker 1: sort is there, So I'm curious about, like what the

811
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:35,320
Speaker 1: intention is for him. Intention the rest of their communication

812
00:44:35,400 --> 00:44:38,800
Speaker 1: matters a lot. Yeah, Um, while we're on the topic

813
00:44:38,880 --> 00:44:42,040
Speaker 1: of kind of fantasizing and whatever. Let's talk about porn

814
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:45,239
Speaker 1: a little bit. This question said not watching porn individually

815
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:47,600
Speaker 1: but as a couple. Is it a good boundary to

816
00:44:47,680 --> 00:44:55,600
Speaker 1: have our backfire? I I've seen people use this to

817
00:44:56,000 --> 00:45:01,040
Speaker 1: help them deal with the same kind of levels of jealousy,

818
00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:04,520
Speaker 1: Like I feel jealous even of the porn right. Um.

819
00:45:06,560 --> 00:45:10,800
Speaker 1: It certainly creates an environment where someone may start hiding

820
00:45:11,280 --> 00:45:13,920
Speaker 1: the use of pornography, Like do you like so it

821
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:19,279
Speaker 1: could foster hiding if you if you're watching it together, No, No,

822
00:45:19,440 --> 00:45:22,480
Speaker 1: if you watch it watching it together, that's great. But

823
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:26,279
Speaker 1: if you if you're forbidding watching it separately and and

824
00:45:26,719 --> 00:45:29,000
Speaker 1: like you can only watch it if you're together. That

825
00:45:29,239 --> 00:45:33,279
Speaker 1: I've seen backfire because one person may, you know, flip

826
00:45:33,360 --> 00:45:36,000
Speaker 1: open an app and look at something, and now you

827
00:45:36,080 --> 00:45:39,239
Speaker 1: have this whole thing going on when it's a lot

828
00:45:39,360 --> 00:45:43,399
Speaker 1: to fight about and and controlling another person's pornographic use

829
00:45:43,640 --> 00:45:46,439
Speaker 1: is I don't know, it's a lot. I'm not saying

830
00:45:46,440 --> 00:45:48,680
Speaker 1: you shouldn't have boundaries. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk

831
00:45:48,680 --> 00:45:53,319
Speaker 1: about it. You absolutely should. But it is a rare

832
00:45:54,040 --> 00:45:57,000
Speaker 1: thing for somebody to not to like to feel like

833
00:45:57,239 --> 00:46:00,399
Speaker 1: every need they ever have over the course of their

834
00:46:00,440 --> 00:46:04,640
Speaker 1: whole relating he's met by one person, one image, one

835
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:07,279
Speaker 1: one way of having sex, one pack like just that one.

836
00:46:07,960 --> 00:46:11,879
Speaker 1: So porn's porn can be a great way to fill

837
00:46:12,080 --> 00:46:16,279
Speaker 1: that novelty gap. Talk again comes back to I'd rather

838
00:46:16,320 --> 00:46:18,359
Speaker 1: have my partner talking to me about it now when

839
00:46:18,400 --> 00:46:21,719
Speaker 1: it comes to watching it together. Yes, get yourselves some

840
00:46:21,880 --> 00:46:26,080
Speaker 1: ethical pornography made just the way you like it. Go

841
00:46:26,280 --> 00:46:28,600
Speaker 1: for it, Pay for your porn. That's that's the best

842
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:32,280
Speaker 1: thing I could possibly suggest, and then use it creatively.

843
00:46:32,960 --> 00:46:34,719
Speaker 1: Like there's a lot of really good stuff out there

844
00:46:34,760 --> 00:46:38,399
Speaker 1: these days. Yeah, I think, So what about people who

845
00:46:38,440 --> 00:46:40,400
Speaker 1: are listening, because I mean a lot of people are like, no,

846
00:46:40,560 --> 00:46:42,719
Speaker 1: I'm not like I hear a lot of women say, oh,

847
00:46:42,800 --> 00:46:47,920
Speaker 1: my husband doesn't watch porn, and I'm like, okay, I

848
00:46:48,000 --> 00:46:50,640
Speaker 1: mean right, And so like, how do you have the

849
00:46:50,719 --> 00:46:55,920
Speaker 1: conversations of usage and what you're comfortable with and not

850
00:46:56,320 --> 00:46:58,960
Speaker 1: the lies and the secrecy, Because for me, that's where

851
00:46:58,960 --> 00:47:01,400
Speaker 1: it gets scary, is the eyes and the secrecy, And

852
00:47:01,880 --> 00:47:04,880
Speaker 1: it's hard to have those conversations. They're uncomfortable, And so

853
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:06,640
Speaker 1: I think a lot of us just try to avoid

854
00:47:06,719 --> 00:47:09,520
Speaker 1: it because we don't know how to have those or

855
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:13,080
Speaker 1: ask those questions. Yeah, well, so start by having conversations

856
00:47:13,120 --> 00:47:15,279
Speaker 1: about the sex life you're having. Don't start with the

857
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:19,000
Speaker 1: hardest thing, right If if porn is your trigger point, Um,

858
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:22,680
Speaker 1: can you talk about sex comfortably? Can you talk about

859
00:47:22,719 --> 00:47:26,239
Speaker 1: masturbation comfortably? Have you masturbated side by side? Can you

860
00:47:26,320 --> 00:47:28,080
Speaker 1: masturbate in front of your part? Like? There are so

861
00:47:28,280 --> 00:47:31,600
Speaker 1: many other conversations you could have. It could be that

862
00:47:31,880 --> 00:47:35,279
Speaker 1: porn has a certain morality tinge for you that makes

863
00:47:35,320 --> 00:47:37,920
Speaker 1: it a hot button issue if that's the case, or

864
00:47:38,480 --> 00:47:42,160
Speaker 1: if you have been um propping up some part of

865
00:47:42,239 --> 00:47:44,439
Speaker 1: your self worth on the idea that your husband doesn't

866
00:47:44,440 --> 00:47:49,160
Speaker 1: watch porn, Like, that's a pretty fragile way to walk around.

867
00:47:49,520 --> 00:47:53,920
Speaker 1: I would rather you open those conversations up. But again,

868
00:47:53,960 --> 00:47:58,480
Speaker 1: you're gonna have to increase your sexual vocabulary and increase

869
00:47:58,520 --> 00:48:02,320
Speaker 1: your comfort just talking about X. There is nothing that

870
00:48:02,480 --> 00:48:05,120
Speaker 1: can't be made talk about it all nothing they like.

871
00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:10,520
Speaker 1: People have been doing this the whole time there have

872
00:48:10,600 --> 00:48:12,960
Speaker 1: been humans with language. They have been figuring out how

873
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:15,440
Speaker 1: to talk about the horny things that they want to do.

874
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 1: So you two can do this. I know, I know

875
00:48:18,280 --> 00:48:22,160
Speaker 1: you can do it, but you'll probably have to allow

876
00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:25,919
Speaker 1: yourself to be uncomfortable. I think the flip, the flip

877
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:31,279
Speaker 1: side of not talking about it is a greater discomfort. Yeah,

878
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:36,160
Speaker 1: I agree, and I'm guilty of dodging hard conversations, you know.

879
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:39,759
Speaker 1: But it's like here I said, single not dating, you

880
00:48:39,840 --> 00:48:43,120
Speaker 1: know what I mean. It's like and I'm not saying

881
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:46,600
Speaker 1: that that's necessarily a bad thing, but when you want

882
00:48:46,680 --> 00:48:49,160
Speaker 1: to be like be in a relationship, it is the

883
00:48:49,280 --> 00:48:52,279
Speaker 1: bad thing. You know, It's not what you want. So

884
00:48:52,760 --> 00:48:55,120
Speaker 1: I do think it's like we have to recognize that,

885
00:48:55,280 --> 00:48:59,880
Speaker 1: like the flip side to our decisions often are providing

886
00:49:00,000 --> 00:49:04,960
Speaker 1: exactly what we don't want exactly. You couldn't possibly have

887
00:49:05,000 --> 00:49:08,920
Speaker 1: said that better. You're paying a price, exactly. And I

888
00:49:09,000 --> 00:49:11,200
Speaker 1: think that even if the conversations are hard, like I said,

889
00:49:11,239 --> 00:49:13,680
Speaker 1: the secrets and over me, there was like a relationship

890
00:49:13,719 --> 00:49:17,320
Speaker 1: I've been in the past where porn was super active

891
00:49:17,880 --> 00:49:19,400
Speaker 1: and I didn't know about it and it was a

892
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:22,600
Speaker 1: whole secret life. And so that is what I've tried

893
00:49:22,680 --> 00:49:26,239
Speaker 1: to avoid in the future. And the partners that I've

894
00:49:26,280 --> 00:49:29,360
Speaker 1: picked since haven't been willing to have those conversations, and

895
00:49:29,440 --> 00:49:32,920
Speaker 1: so because it's uncomfortable, and I think like people have

896
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:37,759
Speaker 1: a lot of shame around So what if we just

897
00:49:38,000 --> 00:49:43,399
Speaker 1: destigmatize porn use what if we really make literally making

898
00:49:43,440 --> 00:49:46,719
Speaker 1: our mission have the porn conversation? Like, I'll have that

899
00:49:46,800 --> 00:49:50,759
Speaker 1: conversation on a second date. I don't. Like. I have

900
00:49:51,000 --> 00:49:54,319
Speaker 1: found that when you're willing to be the person who

901
00:49:54,719 --> 00:50:00,279
Speaker 1: says the uncomfortable thing, a lot of possibility opens up. Um,

902
00:50:00,400 --> 00:50:03,279
Speaker 1: and I don't. I mean, obviously people know I talk

903
00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:05,279
Speaker 1: about sex for a living, so I really can have

904
00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:09,040
Speaker 1: this conversation on the second date. But like, I can't

905
00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:11,319
Speaker 1: imagine moving in with someone and not knowing what their

906
00:50:11,320 --> 00:50:15,279
Speaker 1: porn habits were, because you are going to get surprised,

907
00:50:15,960 --> 00:50:20,400
Speaker 1: And if you aren't, then well, at the very least,

908
00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:23,520
Speaker 1: you're gonna be missing part of who they are, someone's

909
00:50:23,560 --> 00:50:26,239
Speaker 1: fantasy life, someone's imagination. If they're willing to share that

910
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:31,000
Speaker 1: with you. Now you know, like you're you're deeply connected

911
00:50:31,160 --> 00:50:35,279
Speaker 1: on another level, right, So yeah, stay away from the

912
00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:38,040
Speaker 1: secrecy and lean into what it would be like to

913
00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:41,960
Speaker 1: just have that really uncomfortable conversation. You can always just

914
00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:45,320
Speaker 1: start from your side, talk about what you like, and

915
00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:48,160
Speaker 1: if you don't like visual porn. Well, have you tried

916
00:50:48,480 --> 00:50:51,440
Speaker 1: an app with audio porn? Have you tried erotica? You know, like,

917
00:50:51,560 --> 00:50:54,520
Speaker 1: what do you enjoy? What fantasies do you enjoy? I

918
00:50:54,680 --> 00:50:57,320
Speaker 1: just say go first that I don't ask people to

919
00:50:57,440 --> 00:51:01,439
Speaker 1: disclose their use to me. I offer to disclose mine,

920
00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:05,120
Speaker 1: and I don't just disclose it. I offer to disclose mine.

921
00:51:05,480 --> 00:51:09,880
Speaker 1: And if you're like wings and um die coke, and

922
00:51:09,920 --> 00:51:11,680
Speaker 1: then you're like, and you know what kind of morn

923
00:51:11,719 --> 00:51:16,800
Speaker 1: I like? Would like? Yeah? Like, would you like to

924
00:51:16,880 --> 00:51:19,920
Speaker 1: know what kind of porn I like? And if you would,

925
00:51:20,200 --> 00:51:21,880
Speaker 1: then we can have that conversation. Would you like to

926
00:51:21,960 --> 00:51:25,880
Speaker 1: know that now? Or ten dates from now? It's it

927
00:51:26,040 --> 00:51:28,800
Speaker 1: sounds more awkward than it really is. Honestly, if you

928
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:31,319
Speaker 1: can just get the words into your mouth and then

929
00:51:31,560 --> 00:51:36,160
Speaker 1: let them come out, it's it's just not that bad.

930
00:51:37,360 --> 00:51:40,600
Speaker 1: Pretty free. I can't imagine myself doing that, but it

931
00:51:40,760 --> 00:51:44,200
Speaker 1: sounds really freeing like it. It like makes me excited

932
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:46,719
Speaker 1: to hear you say that, because it does. It sounds

933
00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:49,800
Speaker 1: really free just to be like here it is, I

934
00:51:49,880 --> 00:51:54,080
Speaker 1: know who I am and everything else does too. And

935
00:51:54,200 --> 00:51:56,560
Speaker 1: what I hear too, though, is you're really comfortable with

936
00:51:56,640 --> 00:52:00,279
Speaker 1: your own sexuality and your own use of the And like,

937
00:52:00,400 --> 00:52:03,160
Speaker 1: I'm thinking about some of our listeners right now that

938
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:06,120
Speaker 1: are probably like the people who I was mentioning that

939
00:52:06,200 --> 00:52:08,320
Speaker 1: might be like my husband doesn't watch porn, and like

940
00:52:08,600 --> 00:52:12,040
Speaker 1: they don't watch porn, and so maybe they're not comfortable

941
00:52:12,040 --> 00:52:13,920
Speaker 1: even having the conversation because they don't want it to

942
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:15,759
Speaker 1: be a part of their relationship. Like what do you

943
00:52:15,800 --> 00:52:19,280
Speaker 1: say to people like that that come in and they're like, no, no, no, no, no, porn,

944
00:52:19,440 --> 00:52:23,520
Speaker 1: porn is not okay? How do we navigate that? Okay?

945
00:52:23,680 --> 00:52:27,320
Speaker 1: From there, I would start with okay, why, like what

946
00:52:27,480 --> 00:52:30,439
Speaker 1: what's your reason? Let's dig Let's go deeper and talk

947
00:52:30,480 --> 00:52:32,920
Speaker 1: about what do you think is wrong with it for you?

948
00:52:33,440 --> 00:52:37,480
Speaker 1: You're like, let's let's step back from this general statement

949
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:40,600
Speaker 1: of porn is bad and into why do you think

950
00:52:40,760 --> 00:52:43,480
Speaker 1: it's causing a functionality issue in your relationship? Why do

951
00:52:43,560 --> 00:52:45,959
Speaker 1: you think it would if porn were to be used?

952
00:52:46,360 --> 00:52:49,759
Speaker 1: What do you think would happen? Or who told you that?

953
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,960
Speaker 1: Because a lot of people were just raised in societies

954
00:52:53,040 --> 00:52:57,439
Speaker 1: that told them that's really bad, that's evil, that's sinful. Well,

955
00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:00,479
Speaker 1: there's a lot of great people doing really good work

956
00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:05,840
Speaker 1: around how to integrate your spirituality and your sexuality, and

957
00:53:06,160 --> 00:53:07,839
Speaker 1: that's where I would have you start your work if

958
00:53:07,960 --> 00:53:10,440
Speaker 1: that's the issue. If it's a morality issue, especially if

959
00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:12,840
Speaker 1: it's related to your religious background, even if you're not

960
00:53:12,920 --> 00:53:16,040
Speaker 1: currently practicing that religion, I would have you turned to

961
00:53:16,239 --> 00:53:18,800
Speaker 1: one of the great people working at the edge of

962
00:53:18,880 --> 00:53:22,279
Speaker 1: purity culture and the morality issues around that. Dig into

963
00:53:22,320 --> 00:53:25,040
Speaker 1: their work and see if you can't find just more

964
00:53:25,239 --> 00:53:27,960
Speaker 1: luscious sexuality that does work for you. It doesn't mean

965
00:53:28,040 --> 00:53:30,879
Speaker 1: you're going to be like knee deep and porn next week.

966
00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:34,040
Speaker 1: It means you might know why it bothers you, and

967
00:53:34,120 --> 00:53:36,520
Speaker 1: then it might stop bothering you so much. Yeah. I

968
00:53:36,680 --> 00:53:41,680
Speaker 1: love that and that's great. Um. Okay, this woman says

969
00:53:43,040 --> 00:53:47,680
Speaker 1: is being attracted to specific ethnicities as sex preference. I'm

970
00:53:47,719 --> 00:53:50,920
Speaker 1: debating this with my significant other. If you're attracted to Asians,

971
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:53,359
Speaker 1: for example, how do you know it's an it's an

972
00:53:53,400 --> 00:54:00,040
Speaker 1: Asian fetish or not? Okay? Um, it is fetishization and

973
00:54:01,040 --> 00:54:05,680
Speaker 1: it's pretty racist. Um. It has a lot of negative

974
00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:09,759
Speaker 1: overtones and most people don't realize that it does. So

975
00:54:09,920 --> 00:54:13,239
Speaker 1: I want to just first say then, I don't think

976
00:54:13,280 --> 00:54:16,839
Speaker 1: most people mean to be doing harm when they fetishize

977
00:54:17,120 --> 00:54:21,520
Speaker 1: a race. But it does do harm. So I would

978
00:54:21,560 --> 00:54:26,040
Speaker 1: ask you to to really get curious, really curious about

979
00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:30,200
Speaker 1: what it is you're looking at in this in this person,

980
00:54:30,239 --> 00:54:32,279
Speaker 1: because you're if you're looking at an individual, what is

981
00:54:32,360 --> 00:54:35,200
Speaker 1: it in this individual that you like? And because if

982
00:54:35,239 --> 00:54:39,160
Speaker 1: you're talking about saying Asians like, um, okay, that's more

983
00:54:39,239 --> 00:54:43,120
Speaker 1: than half the world's population, like it's a it's a

984
00:54:43,200 --> 00:54:47,160
Speaker 1: gross generalization. And any time we do that, we're in

985
00:54:47,360 --> 00:54:55,719
Speaker 1: really really tricky areas. Um fetishization of human beings is

986
00:54:55,880 --> 00:54:59,440
Speaker 1: pretty problematic. If they can't consent, and a race can't consent,

987
00:55:00,239 --> 00:55:02,600
Speaker 1: they can't, that's not a thing, Like, they're not a monolith.

988
00:55:02,880 --> 00:55:04,840
Speaker 1: The people who make that up are a monolith. So

989
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:08,240
Speaker 1: we have to really take that seriously. Fetishization of a shoe,

990
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:11,440
Speaker 1: the shoe can't consent, but the shoe also doesn't have autonomy,

991
00:55:11,520 --> 00:55:15,680
Speaker 1: so I'm less worried about it humans. We worry about

992
00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:19,440
Speaker 1: fetishizing humans who didn't ask for that. So if you

993
00:55:19,560 --> 00:55:22,120
Speaker 1: are with an individual and you're in a B D

994
00:55:22,280 --> 00:55:28,040
Speaker 1: s M negotiated relationship who has consented to being fetishized

995
00:55:28,160 --> 00:55:32,040
Speaker 1: by you, that would be different. But as a generalization,

996
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:36,560
Speaker 1: got some unpacking to do. I have nothing else to say.

997
00:55:36,560 --> 00:55:44,680
Speaker 1: I'm so okay. Forty one, married, almost sixteen years, never finished,

998
00:55:45,000 --> 00:55:48,600
Speaker 1: she says, I'm exsuming orgasms in front of my husband.

999
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:53,360
Speaker 1: I'm embarrassed to try to. Oh, I'm sad. That just

1000
00:55:53,480 --> 00:55:55,480
Speaker 1: means the best part of her sex life is in

1001
00:55:55,600 --> 00:56:02,279
Speaker 1: front of her. Okay, toys aren't competition. So if the

1002
00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:06,239
Speaker 1: reason you haven't finished is that you are nervous to

1003
00:56:06,440 --> 00:56:10,920
Speaker 1: have him, feel like a toy is what gets you off. Okay,

1004
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:14,520
Speaker 1: toys aren't competition, They're just not. They are accessories. They're yummy,

1005
00:56:14,680 --> 00:56:16,759
Speaker 1: they're delicious. I love that you say that because I

1006
00:56:16,840 --> 00:56:19,520
Speaker 1: think so many men are so threatened and it's like

1007
00:56:19,640 --> 00:56:22,200
Speaker 1: it's not the same. Dick's not meant for that, Like

1008
00:56:22,520 --> 00:56:27,120
Speaker 1: it's just not okay. So of women do not have

1009
00:56:27,280 --> 00:56:30,799
Speaker 1: an orgasm by penetration alone. In fact, it doesn't even

1010
00:56:30,840 --> 00:56:32,759
Speaker 1: make any sense if you just look at the anatomy.

1011
00:56:33,280 --> 00:56:37,800
Speaker 1: The clteral head is what gives the like most concentrated response.

1012
00:56:38,680 --> 00:56:44,279
Speaker 1: It's not where you put a penis. It's separate from that. So, um,

1013
00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:47,600
Speaker 1: it's gonna need some stimulation for most of us. And

1014
00:56:48,920 --> 00:56:52,520
Speaker 1: if you can just detach yourself from the idea that

1015
00:56:54,200 --> 00:56:59,279
Speaker 1: there's anything special about a penetrative orgasm. Just let that go,

1016
00:56:59,400 --> 00:57:01,439
Speaker 1: because there's not. It's just a way that some people

1017
00:57:01,480 --> 00:57:04,680
Speaker 1: come and some people don't. Now we have a different

1018
00:57:04,760 --> 00:57:07,880
Speaker 1: question if it's because the toy thing I want you

1019
00:57:07,960 --> 00:57:10,080
Speaker 1: to get. I just want you to like put on

1020
00:57:10,160 --> 00:57:12,040
Speaker 1: your big girl panties and just just go for or

1021
00:57:12,080 --> 00:57:14,759
Speaker 1: take them off actually and just really like go for it.

1022
00:57:14,920 --> 00:57:17,600
Speaker 1: Tell them I told you to. Introducing toys is a

1023
00:57:17,680 --> 00:57:20,400
Speaker 1: great way to just totally up level your game. You've

1024
00:57:20,440 --> 00:57:24,640
Speaker 1: been married sixteen years, awesome, you can totally have the

1025
00:57:24,800 --> 00:57:27,840
Speaker 1: best sex you've ever had by showing him how you

1026
00:57:28,040 --> 00:57:32,240
Speaker 1: actually get off. I'm also assuming that this person does

1027
00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:34,880
Speaker 1: know how they get off. If they don't, If you

1028
00:57:34,960 --> 00:57:37,760
Speaker 1: don't know how your orgasm really works that well for you,

1029
00:57:38,440 --> 00:57:41,200
Speaker 1: um well you could just keep exploring until you know.

1030
00:57:41,440 --> 00:57:44,160
Speaker 1: But there's nothing wrong with doing that in tandem. UM

1031
00:57:44,280 --> 00:57:48,560
Speaker 1: So a couple great ways. Um you could masturbate side

1032
00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:51,240
Speaker 1: by side. That works really really well, but it also

1033
00:57:51,280 --> 00:57:54,120
Speaker 1: takes the focus off you're not being stared at you.

1034
00:57:54,440 --> 00:57:56,960
Speaker 1: You could just lie side by side get off together.

1035
00:57:57,040 --> 00:57:58,600
Speaker 1: If you happen to wash porn. You might do it

1036
00:57:58,680 --> 00:58:00,840
Speaker 1: to porn, but you also might just might turn towards

1037
00:58:00,880 --> 00:58:03,120
Speaker 1: each other. They're all sorts of creative positions depending on

1038
00:58:03,160 --> 00:58:07,920
Speaker 1: what you like. If the issue is your guy's never

1039
00:58:07,960 --> 00:58:10,280
Speaker 1: seen your O face and you're just like, I'm not

1040
00:58:10,360 --> 00:58:14,320
Speaker 1: ready to be that vulnerable. Okay, now let's get into

1041
00:58:14,320 --> 00:58:19,640
Speaker 1: the emotional layers of letting yourself be seen in true pleasure. Also,

1042
00:58:19,760 --> 00:58:25,360
Speaker 1: like don't guys love that? They tend to I too, Yeah,

1043
00:58:25,400 --> 00:58:28,960
Speaker 1: I mean like doesn't everyone love. Yeah, I feel like

1044
00:58:29,040 --> 00:58:31,200
Speaker 1: a guy would be like, look what I did, you know,

1045
00:58:31,520 --> 00:58:36,080
Speaker 1: or like claim ownership or ownership is not the right word,

1046
00:58:36,160 --> 00:58:41,280
Speaker 1: but like it's like a victory victory people. Yeah, people

1047
00:58:41,360 --> 00:58:43,280
Speaker 1: tend to like that. I mean, there's all. There was

1048
00:58:43,280 --> 00:58:45,080
Speaker 1: a whole website, there was a whole project done where

1049
00:58:45,120 --> 00:58:48,480
Speaker 1: they were just collecting videos of people's faces while the orchasms,

1050
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:50,320
Speaker 1: not even the rest of their body, just their faces.

1051
00:58:50,400 --> 00:58:56,000
Speaker 1: So yes, huge source of erotic energy. If it's about

1052
00:58:56,120 --> 00:58:59,000
Speaker 1: being shy about how she gets off, if the like,

1053
00:58:59,200 --> 00:59:01,800
Speaker 1: perhaps she had us a position that she thinks is unusual,

1054
00:59:01,920 --> 00:59:03,880
Speaker 1: but that's how she gets off. Or maybe she has

1055
00:59:03,920 --> 00:59:06,919
Speaker 1: a particular way that she fantasizes and that's really it's

1056
00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:09,480
Speaker 1: like scary to her to think about it, or maybe

1057
00:59:09,880 --> 00:59:12,640
Speaker 1: it just started as an accident and now it's she's

1058
00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:15,400
Speaker 1: sixteen years in and she's like, um, if he finds

1059
00:59:15,400 --> 00:59:18,760
Speaker 1: out what my orgasm actually looks like, what's going to happen.

1060
00:59:18,840 --> 00:59:24,600
Speaker 1: Then I would literally just start from scratch and just

1061
00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:29,160
Speaker 1: allow yourself to get off the hook, blame it on

1062
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:33,360
Speaker 1: whatever shyness you've had, whatever it is, and say I

1063
00:59:33,440 --> 00:59:36,440
Speaker 1: want to try something new. I want I want to

1064
00:59:36,480 --> 00:59:38,680
Speaker 1: show you how I touch myself. I want to I

1065
00:59:38,760 --> 00:59:42,919
Speaker 1: want to show you that it's a huge gift. It's

1066
00:59:43,000 --> 00:59:45,720
Speaker 1: not with it's not out of reach. It's just that

1067
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:48,200
Speaker 1: once we're in our pattern. Most most of us have

1068
00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:50,600
Speaker 1: a pattern. We do just that. We don't do anything else.

1069
00:59:51,400 --> 00:59:54,600
Speaker 1: All you're doing is increasing your sexual repertoire. That's a

1070
00:59:54,680 --> 01:00:00,919
Speaker 1: great thing. If you're really really scared, then you could

1071
01:00:01,040 --> 01:00:07,919
Speaker 1: start by simply having a conversation about what you'd really

1072
01:00:08,200 --> 01:00:11,240
Speaker 1: like to have. You could start just with the conversation,

1073
01:00:11,320 --> 01:00:13,600
Speaker 1: but you could also just go for it, Just pull

1074
01:00:13,640 --> 01:00:15,440
Speaker 1: off that band aid and just go for it. Just

1075
01:00:15,920 --> 01:00:18,080
Speaker 1: just dive in. Sixteen years and I'm like, what do

1076
01:00:18,080 --> 01:00:22,280
Speaker 1: you have to lose. Just do it. Yeah, he's going

1077
01:00:22,320 --> 01:00:24,560
Speaker 1: to be into it, and if he's not, you have

1078
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:26,720
Speaker 1: another You have a different set of issues because if

1079
01:00:26,760 --> 01:00:29,520
Speaker 1: you're having if the rest of your sex life is satisfying,

1080
01:00:30,320 --> 01:00:32,680
Speaker 1: but you happen to feel like your orgasm is like

1081
01:00:32,760 --> 01:00:34,720
Speaker 1: too much work. I have had sex with women who

1082
01:00:34,760 --> 01:00:39,960
Speaker 1: have apologized when they come why because they were taught

1083
01:00:40,120 --> 01:00:45,680
Speaker 1: a lot of shame about pleasure. Okay, yeah, yeah, if

1084
01:00:45,760 --> 01:00:51,560
Speaker 1: you feel guilt over your pleasure, I give you permission

1085
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:55,600
Speaker 1: to set it down. Set it down. That is not yours.

1086
01:00:55,760 --> 01:00:59,920
Speaker 1: Somebody asked you to carry it and it is not yours. Well,

1087
01:01:00,040 --> 01:01:02,080
Speaker 1: this is an interesting segue because the next question is

1088
01:01:02,120 --> 01:01:05,160
Speaker 1: how to introduce sex toys into marriage? So perfect, Yeah,

1089
01:01:05,400 --> 01:01:07,640
Speaker 1: do it? Well, you know what, one of the one

1090
01:01:07,680 --> 01:01:10,959
Speaker 1: of the best ways is to go to a store

1091
01:01:11,040 --> 01:01:14,560
Speaker 1: together and like, like, do that thing. The people who

1092
01:01:14,600 --> 01:01:17,880
Speaker 1: work in those stores are used to newbies. It's fine,

1093
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:20,360
Speaker 1: you don't need to know anything. They are totally used

1094
01:01:20,400 --> 01:01:23,640
Speaker 1: to people who have not been in before. Ask them questions.

1095
01:01:24,040 --> 01:01:26,000
Speaker 1: They're here for it, that's what they do. They love it.

1096
01:01:26,480 --> 01:01:29,520
Speaker 1: You could also start by watching like the Netflix special

1097
01:01:29,800 --> 01:01:33,320
Speaker 1: Principles of Pleasure. Start by watching that together, they're gonna

1098
01:01:33,400 --> 01:01:35,120
Speaker 1: see a whole bunch of sex toys. You're gonna see

1099
01:01:35,120 --> 01:01:36,520
Speaker 1: a whole bunch of sex toys. You can just bring

1100
01:01:36,600 --> 01:01:38,800
Speaker 1: the question like, hey, you know what, we've never really

1101
01:01:38,840 --> 01:01:41,200
Speaker 1: brought toys in. Look at all the options that are

1102
01:01:41,240 --> 01:01:44,160
Speaker 1: out there. Now, let's let's go for it. There are

1103
01:01:44,200 --> 01:01:47,360
Speaker 1: so many great websites. It doesn't have to be challenging.

1104
01:01:47,920 --> 01:01:50,480
Speaker 1: Start with something really simple, you know, just start with

1105
01:01:50,560 --> 01:01:54,720
Speaker 1: a basic vibrator, Start with anything that doesn't look too intimidating,

1106
01:01:55,280 --> 01:01:59,440
Speaker 1: and introduce right from the beginning. Toys or accessories not competition.

1107
01:02:00,600 --> 01:02:03,680
Speaker 1: Toys are accessories not competition. And get and if you're

1108
01:02:03,680 --> 01:02:06,040
Speaker 1: with a cist gender guy, get him a prostate massager.

1109
01:02:07,080 --> 01:02:09,240
Speaker 1: Just do get him in on the action. Get him

1110
01:02:09,240 --> 01:02:11,520
Speaker 1: in on the action. Great toys, the narrows, you can't

1111
01:02:11,520 --> 01:02:14,720
Speaker 1: go wrong. Amazing. Well, I'm really glad that you were

1112
01:02:14,760 --> 01:02:16,800
Speaker 1: here because this week it's like our listeners come in

1113
01:02:16,880 --> 01:02:18,760
Speaker 1: with I never know what we're gonna get. Sometimes you

1114
01:02:18,800 --> 01:02:21,640
Speaker 1: get a lot of dating questions. There was some sex

1115
01:02:21,760 --> 01:02:24,160
Speaker 1: questions today, So thank god. We how do you hear, Julie,

1116
01:02:24,400 --> 01:02:26,919
Speaker 1: We really appreciate you being here. Tell the people where

1117
01:02:26,960 --> 01:02:30,160
Speaker 1: they can find you if they have more questions. Yeah,

1118
01:02:30,240 --> 01:02:32,440
Speaker 1: if you have more questions, First off, go download my

1119
01:02:32,520 --> 01:02:35,600
Speaker 1: guides and listen to Jolie dot com and then follow

1120
01:02:35,640 --> 01:02:40,320
Speaker 1: me on Instagram. Dr Julie Underscore Hamilton's Hamilton's like the musical,

1121
01:02:40,400 --> 01:02:44,640
Speaker 1: nice and easy, and you can absolutely DM me questions

1122
01:02:44,880 --> 01:02:48,080
Speaker 1: and I answer them on my own podcast as well. Amazing.

1123
01:02:48,120 --> 01:02:51,120
Speaker 1: What's the name of your podcast. It's called Project Relationship.

1124
01:02:51,200 --> 01:02:54,320
Speaker 1: It's just me and my anchor partner chatting about how

1125
01:02:54,400 --> 01:02:57,800
Speaker 1: to have a really successful relationship. I love that. Well

1126
01:02:57,840 --> 01:03:00,280
Speaker 1: you guys, thank you so much for all the questions

1127
01:03:00,320 --> 01:03:02,560
Speaker 1: you send in today. Keep them coming to the edge

1128
01:03:02,640 --> 01:03:04,440
Speaker 1: at velvets edge dot com. You can always hit me

1129
01:03:04,560 --> 01:03:08,800
Speaker 1: up on Instagram at Velvet's Edge. Chip is at nor

1130
01:03:09,560 --> 01:03:12,439
Speaker 1: h I P d O R S p H. Send

1131
01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:16,640
Speaker 1: him all the sex questions. He'll forward him to Jolly Jolly.

1132
01:03:16,760 --> 01:03:18,640
Speaker 1: Thank you again so much for being here, and thank

1133
01:03:18,680 --> 01:03:19,560
Speaker 1: you guys for listening.