WEBVTT - Latinx Parenting and Chancleta Culture 0:00:05.200 --> 0:00:09.680 Hi, guys, welcome to this show the one and only 0:00:09.800 --> 0:00:13.840 of Christ myself a Mada and you're listening to exactly 0:00:13.880 --> 0:00:17.200 a Mada. Thank you so much for downloading and subscribing. 0:00:20.239 --> 0:00:23.120 Thank you guys for listening, for following all the social 0:00:23.120 --> 0:00:27.600 media platforms at exactly a Mada. And what can I say? 0:00:27.680 --> 0:00:30.080 I just love being able to create new content for 0:00:30.120 --> 0:00:32.639 you guys every week, being able to have that one 0:00:32.680 --> 0:00:34.720 on one connection with you. And if you have any 0:00:34.800 --> 0:00:36.919 questions or anything you would like for me to talk 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:40.880 about specifically, don't be shy, don't be scared slat of 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:44.559 my d ms, whether it is at Allen or at 0:00:44.640 --> 0:00:48.320 Exactly a Madam, and just give me ideas. Be like, look, ma, 0:00:48.720 --> 0:00:50.360 I'm going through the situation and I would like you 0:00:50.400 --> 0:00:52.600 to talk about this or whatever the case may be. Okay, 0:00:52.640 --> 0:00:55.960 I'm super open minded and I'm always willing to try 0:00:56.040 --> 0:00:59.080 something new. Um. By the way, also, don't forget to 0:00:59.160 --> 0:01:02.400 rate us five stars. Share this podcast with all your 0:01:02.440 --> 0:01:06.000 friends and family, especially if there's a topic that hits 0:01:06.040 --> 0:01:11.959 home for you or somebody is going through it or 0:01:12.040 --> 0:01:15.280 can relate. Share this podcast. Don't be stingy with the 0:01:15.319 --> 0:01:19.040 info like I always say when with that being said 0:01:20.040 --> 0:01:25.600 to do today, I want to talk about something. It's funny. 0:01:26.959 --> 0:01:30.000 Some people it may not have been as funny, and 0:01:30.040 --> 0:01:34.080 they may have really truly suffered through some situations. Battle 0:01:34.520 --> 0:01:36.640 it works for me. Today on the show, we're talking 0:01:36.680 --> 0:01:50.840 about how to discipline your kids. In our being are 0:01:50.920 --> 0:01:53.880 very strict and they all have their own ways. Like 0:01:53.960 --> 0:01:56.760 back in the days. My mom told me that my 0:01:56.880 --> 0:02:01.000 grandmother used to put um mento like cement blocks in 0:02:01.040 --> 0:02:04.040 their hands and they would make them meal down and 0:02:04.160 --> 0:02:07.760 sit under the sun for hours. There's just so many 0:02:07.840 --> 0:02:09.359 questions and so many things that I want to talk 0:02:09.400 --> 0:02:12.200 about that. My guest today is the founder of the 0:02:12.280 --> 0:02:16.920 Latin X Parenting Leslie. Welcome to exactly a Madam I Live. 0:02:17.000 --> 0:02:19.720 How are you old, Mada. I'm so so good. I'm 0:02:19.720 --> 0:02:23.000 so excited to be here with you. Awesome, Bueno, you've 0:02:23.040 --> 0:02:25.320 been listening to what I've been saying about. You know, 0:02:25.360 --> 0:02:28.000 the way that our parents used to discipline us back 0:02:28.000 --> 0:02:30.240 in the days are great. Great grandparents told them out. 0:02:30.320 --> 0:02:33.360 But things have changed, um and you know some people 0:02:33.360 --> 0:02:37.760 still use everything. How did your mom raise you or 0:02:37.800 --> 0:02:41.000 your dad growing up? Did you get the you know, 0:02:41.120 --> 0:02:44.280 the beatings that chantas, I'm gonna take this away. What 0:02:44.360 --> 0:02:47.480 was their method for you? You know, my mom and 0:02:47.560 --> 0:02:51.600 I struggled in relationship, especially in my medal lessons, right, 0:02:51.600 --> 0:02:54.160 But when I when I was very very young, she 0:02:54.400 --> 0:02:57.240 tried really hard to parent me very differently than the 0:02:57.240 --> 0:02:59.000 way that she was parented, which is very similar to 0:02:59.040 --> 0:03:01.639 the ways that you're describeding, where that's like punishments where 0:03:01.639 --> 0:03:03.840 they have to you know, kneel on bottle caps. She 0:03:04.000 --> 0:03:05.960 tells me, she's like, I wish I got the Chunklet 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:09.080 that like, I wish I got the chunk because I 0:03:09.120 --> 0:03:11.640 got last solder, I got the whip, like the horse's whip, 0:03:11.720 --> 0:03:14.320 you know, things like that. And so when she was 0:03:14.400 --> 0:03:15.960 raising me, I think that she did, you know, the 0:03:16.000 --> 0:03:18.200 older I've gotten, I realized that she did actually make 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:22.200 a conscious effort to not raise me that way. Um, 0:03:22.360 --> 0:03:26.280 and she still did things because you know, immigrant women 0:03:26.320 --> 0:03:28.560 like deal with so much, right, There's so much stress 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:31.880 that women deal with. Um. And so let's like get 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:33.920 into that at some point too, because I feel like 0:03:34.000 --> 0:03:38.400 the parenting books are not made for black and brown folks, right, 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:41.960 They're not made for people who struggle in different ways 0:03:42.040 --> 0:03:44.760 than these white parenting authors and the people that they were, 0:03:44.800 --> 0:03:46.680 you know, the white people that they work with. But 0:03:46.760 --> 0:03:48.520 my mom raised me with a lot of love, but 0:03:48.640 --> 0:03:52.120 with a lot of uh, fear, right, Like, there was 0:03:52.160 --> 0:03:55.600 a lot of fear. She really tried to make me 0:03:55.920 --> 0:03:58.440 afraid of her and thought that that was a good thing, right, 0:03:58.480 --> 0:04:01.200 it was a good thing that my children' let's be clear, 0:04:01.200 --> 0:04:04.720 there's a difference in between respect me as your parents 0:04:04.800 --> 0:04:10.480 and fear me as yes, and so we don't necessarily 0:04:10.560 --> 0:04:12.600 have the privilege sometimes of having the time in the 0:04:12.640 --> 0:04:15.400 space to have those conversations. Our parents didn't, right, so 0:04:15.720 --> 0:04:17.400 they're not talking like do you fear me? Do you 0:04:17.440 --> 0:04:19.599 respect me? In their minds it was the same. And 0:04:19.600 --> 0:04:21.640 I've worked with hundreds of parents, especially, let you know, 0:04:21.880 --> 0:04:26.120 parents that are telling me like, I never thought about that. 0:04:26.160 --> 0:04:28.719 I've never thought about the fact that there is a 0:04:28.720 --> 0:04:31.719 difference between fear and respect. I just raised my kids 0:04:31.720 --> 0:04:33.720 in this way because to me, it's the same thing. 0:04:33.760 --> 0:04:37.080 If they fear me, they respect me. M m, well, 0:04:37.200 --> 0:04:43.040 you'se my mom's gonna hate this episode. Bet to beat 0:04:43.080 --> 0:04:48.080 my ass like on some real ship, like my mom. 0:04:48.560 --> 0:04:52.679 I really going back into my thoughts. The youngest thought 0:04:52.680 --> 0:04:55.279 that I can think of like baby thoughts. My mom 0:04:55.360 --> 0:04:57.880 was always very strict in that aspect. She always felt 0:04:57.920 --> 0:05:01.720 like and this and that, and she would really she 0:05:01.800 --> 0:05:05.320 used a couple of times, not mine. Um. She also 0:05:05.400 --> 0:05:08.359 used the wire hanger. I remember she also used the 0:05:08.400 --> 0:05:11.440 bell and see, oh my god, that bell. That bell 0:05:11.600 --> 0:05:13.960 hurts so much for like three or four days. You 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:17.440 still have, you know, like lot the bruises and stuff. 0:05:18.120 --> 0:05:21.080 And then my mom's favorite thing was to pinch me. 0:05:21.279 --> 0:05:23.240 Oh my god, this is so terrible because now I'm 0:05:23.240 --> 0:05:25.280 an adult and she ain't gonna go to jail. But 0:05:26.360 --> 0:05:28.800 in these times, your ass is going to jail if 0:05:28.800 --> 0:05:30.440 you do that to your kids. But she used to 0:05:30.560 --> 0:05:32.279 love to pinch me. And then I would get like 0:05:32.320 --> 0:05:34.840 these green purple bruises everywhere because you know, I'm black 0:05:34.920 --> 0:05:39.400 or whatever. Oh my god, it was trash. But now 0:05:39.880 --> 0:05:42.520 there's something something she did do was after she would 0:05:42.520 --> 0:05:45.240 beat me, she would sit me down every time and 0:05:45.320 --> 0:05:49.360 she would be like, do you know why I beat 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:52.280 your ass? And I'll be like no or yeah, She's 0:05:52.320 --> 0:05:57.400 like and think, so she didn't just hit me for 0:05:57.480 --> 0:06:00.080 hitting me. She hit me and she would explain in 0:06:01.160 --> 0:06:05.680 these are the consequences of your actions because I warned 0:06:05.680 --> 0:06:09.400 you several times, um, and now that I am gonna 0:06:09.400 --> 0:06:12.359 be a mother soon of two girls, because I always 0:06:12.360 --> 0:06:14.560 felt like, well, if I have boys, I'm gonna feel 0:06:14.560 --> 0:06:19.040 more comfortable to be like Thoma. And just because you're 0:06:19.040 --> 0:06:20.840 a boy and boys are supposed to be tough, and 0:06:21.240 --> 0:06:23.640 you know, there's a hard world for men, but for girls, 0:06:23.680 --> 0:06:25.239 I feel like, oh, you have to be more gentle. 0:06:25.600 --> 0:06:28.760 But my mom beat me so much and it worked, 0:06:28.880 --> 0:06:32.040 and it made me respect. There we have will it 0:06:32.040 --> 0:06:34.520 works for me because every every child is different and 0:06:34.560 --> 0:06:37.400 every parenting skill is different. Um. It made us very tight, 0:06:37.440 --> 0:06:39.920 it made us very together. However, they said, there's a 0:06:39.960 --> 0:06:44.520 lot of parents and there's a real big difference in 0:06:44.520 --> 0:06:50.400 between discipline, right and child abuse. Um and and I 0:06:50.440 --> 0:06:52.680 would like you to talk about it. How how far 0:06:53.360 --> 0:06:56.560 you think, like, what is the difference in between disciplining 0:06:56.600 --> 0:06:59.120 your kids and then when it goes all the way 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:02.080 to like now that's just how the ABU says just 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:05.680 too much. Yeah, so I want to speak to if 0:07:05.720 --> 0:07:08.160 that's okay. Something that you mentioned earlier when when your 0:07:08.160 --> 0:07:13.320 mom was sitting down with you and actually having those communications. Um, 0:07:13.360 --> 0:07:16.440 that's really beautiful. You know, it's really beautiful that at 0:07:16.640 --> 0:07:21.600 some point she got her nervous system regulated enough to 0:07:21.680 --> 0:07:23.840 be like, I'm gonna explain things to you, right, I'm 0:07:23.880 --> 0:07:26.120 gonna explain things to you. I'm going to communicate. And 0:07:26.160 --> 0:07:28.440 how powerful it would be if our parents had access 0:07:28.480 --> 0:07:31.160 to be able to do that right before, like right 0:07:31.200 --> 0:07:33.440 before they beat our asses, right because I got the 0:07:33.440 --> 0:07:35.560 wire hangars, I got the plastic, I got all the hangars. 0:07:36.240 --> 0:07:39.480 Wouldn't like I remember one day my mom like whacked 0:07:39.520 --> 0:07:43.360 me so hard for like hours, and she thought it 0:07:43.360 --> 0:07:45.600 was funny. Like it was like funny to her, you know, 0:07:45.680 --> 0:07:47.320 she was just like, oh my god, like it's still there. 0:07:47.360 --> 0:07:51.280 It was entertaining to her. So that sounds so that 0:07:51.320 --> 0:07:53.800 sounds so fucked up, and we're laughing now, like, oh 0:07:53.800 --> 0:07:55.920 it is imitating here. This is our point right with 0:07:56.040 --> 0:07:58.520 this conversation, is like we're laughing now, But like when 0:07:58.520 --> 0:08:00.880 you really sit with it, when you like really sit 0:08:00.960 --> 0:08:03.200 with not just like what the situation was, but like 0:08:03.560 --> 0:08:07.800 the feelings in the moment of getting hit in that way. Um, 0:08:07.840 --> 0:08:12.120 there's pain, right, there's pain and there's trauma. Would we 0:08:12.160 --> 0:08:13.960 want that? Right? What we want that for? Virtual? We 0:08:13.960 --> 0:08:16.760 want that same feeling for our children, or are there 0:08:16.800 --> 0:08:19.080 other ways to teach those same values, Because what our 0:08:19.120 --> 0:08:21.560 parents are trying to do, and which is the definition 0:08:21.560 --> 0:08:24.800 of discipline, is to teach right. We want our children 0:08:24.840 --> 0:08:27.320 to learn the values that we share. We want them 0:08:27.360 --> 0:08:31.280 to understand the right thing to do, the things that 0:08:31.280 --> 0:08:33.880 they shouldn't do. All of these things like the intention 0:08:34.000 --> 0:08:37.240 behind the reason why our parents hit us, the reason 0:08:37.280 --> 0:08:40.240 why we yell. Like I'm a yeller, right, Like my 0:08:40.400 --> 0:08:44.679 violence is not physical. My violence is verbal and loud. Right, 0:08:44.760 --> 0:08:47.080 it's like loud, So I yell at my kids, and 0:08:47.120 --> 0:08:49.760 I know that that might as well be a verbal chunk. 0:08:49.840 --> 0:08:52.760 Let that, So you know, like those are things that 0:08:52.840 --> 0:08:56.920 I think that one But because I have to give 0:08:56.960 --> 0:08:59.600 you props to first of all, it's already hard enough 0:08:59.600 --> 0:09:01.080 to be all in this world. And then on top 0:09:01.080 --> 0:09:02.439 of that, you have to be a mother, and that 0:09:02.520 --> 0:09:04.440 means you have to be nurturing. You have to give 0:09:04.480 --> 0:09:06.880 away a part of who you are to came to 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:12.360 you know, your children. So when people can be judgmentallyga 0:09:13.640 --> 0:09:18.080 first of all, and that's the most important part, because 0:09:20.640 --> 0:09:24.360 opinion and give their opinion about somebody's parenting. When nobody 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:27.920 asked you for your pain. That's one and two what 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:31.000 do you expect? You know, women, women as mother are 0:09:31.040 --> 0:09:34.439 only but human. You know, you better be glad if 0:09:34.480 --> 0:09:40.479 your parents are just screaming at you, Lucky you, lucky you. 0:09:40.960 --> 0:09:42.880 It's hard not to tell my kids that, because you know, 0:09:43.000 --> 0:09:45.679 my mom was like, you're lucky. I'm only giving you 0:09:45.720 --> 0:09:48.880 the gun show You're lucky. I'm only giving you this, 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:51.640 like my nozzle. You're lucky, you know, like the base 0:09:51.760 --> 0:09:54.480 you're those things were worse because things were worse, and 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:56.320 they were worse for her, and I'm sure they were 0:09:56.320 --> 0:09:58.880 worse for my grandparents too. And so every generation you 0:09:58.920 --> 0:10:01.280 see us doing a little bit better because we have 0:10:01.320 --> 0:10:03.720 a little bit more privilege in being able to reflect. 0:10:10.000 --> 0:10:14.000 Are these generations behaving better? Are we are the disciplines better? 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:17.440 Are the kids reacting better than before? I will tell 0:10:17.480 --> 0:10:19.800 you that if you look at the statistics from people 0:10:19.880 --> 0:10:22.360 that are in prison right now, right, especially black and 0:10:22.400 --> 0:10:27.000 brown boys that turned into men that created violent situations 0:10:27.559 --> 0:10:31.840 um and even women right, even women, over of them 0:10:31.880 --> 0:10:37.120 experienced corporal punishment, over of them experience some level of 0:10:37.160 --> 0:10:41.360 trauma or abuse in childhood. And Dr Stacy Patton talks 0:10:41.360 --> 0:10:43.040 about this when she writes her book. She wrote a 0:10:43.040 --> 0:10:46.200 book called Spared the Kids specifically about black parenting, right 0:10:46.240 --> 0:10:49.600 like I'm writing the one about Latino Latin experienting right now. 0:10:49.679 --> 0:10:54.959 But she talks about like how indigenous practices, like indigenous 0:10:55.000 --> 0:11:00.240 tribes in Africa, there's no record of corporal punishment. You know, 0:11:00.600 --> 0:11:05.200 these are things that we adapted historically from colonialism. We 0:11:05.200 --> 0:11:09.480 were oppressed, and we adapted oppression into our homes. And 0:11:09.559 --> 0:11:13.880 so if you are thinking about as something that was 0:11:14.080 --> 0:11:16.160 is our culture, which is like the argument, right, this 0:11:16.200 --> 0:11:18.760 is our culture, this is funny, this is then you're 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:23.120 not understanding the history of where some of that oppression 0:11:23.160 --> 0:11:27.040 comes from, right, and the stress levels and our people 0:11:27.120 --> 0:11:33.360 experience that prevent them from breaking through into trying to 0:11:33.400 --> 0:11:37.199 do something different. Right. And so do we have people 0:11:37.240 --> 0:11:40.160 that have raised their kids differently? Yes? Are those kids 0:11:40.280 --> 0:11:44.480 good kids and turn into good adults? Absolutely? You know 0:11:44.559 --> 0:11:48.600 we don't have to raise it. And there's no judgment 0:11:48.600 --> 0:11:50.480 that I hold for parents. I do want to just say, like, 0:11:50.520 --> 0:11:53.240 there's no judgment because the message that I share a 0:11:53.240 --> 0:11:55.920 lot is like if you are if you were raised 0:11:55.960 --> 0:12:00.319 with fear and you haven't had the privilege should be 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:02.520 able to like go to therapy, right, and you haven't 0:12:02.520 --> 0:12:04.000 had the privilege to be able to talk through some 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:07.240 of these things. Then when you are out in the 0:12:07.240 --> 0:12:10.120 grocery store and your child starts having a massive tantrum, 0:12:10.400 --> 0:12:12.520 and say you're undocumented for example, which a lot of 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:17.000 our community is in the U S at least, Um, 0:12:17.080 --> 0:12:19.480 your priority is going to be making sure that you 0:12:19.480 --> 0:12:23.040 are not calling attention to yourself. You know, your priority 0:12:23.080 --> 0:12:25.400 is going to be that your kid shut up in 0:12:25.440 --> 0:12:30.200 that moment, something worse can happen, right, And so we 0:12:30.280 --> 0:12:32.880 are raising our children still with a lot of fear, 0:12:32.960 --> 0:12:36.640 but that fear is warranted because there's things to be 0:12:36.679 --> 0:12:40.880 afeard of. That's crazy because well, in my case, um, 0:12:41.000 --> 0:12:42.679 not only I always say I have the best of 0:12:42.720 --> 0:12:45.520 both worlds because I am after Latina, and I am 0:12:45.640 --> 0:12:47.640 very proud of being Latina, and I'm also very proud 0:12:47.679 --> 0:12:50.960 of being black. And you know you don't when when 0:12:51.000 --> 0:12:53.679 you have a black child, you need to raise your 0:12:53.760 --> 0:12:58.120 child letting them know what the rules and regulations are 0:12:58.200 --> 0:13:00.319 in the world that we live in be cause of 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:03.079 the color of our skin. The same thing happens for 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:07.000 those that are immigrants that don't necessarily have paper their 0:13:07.080 --> 0:13:10.200 their documents or whatever the case may be, where you 0:13:10.280 --> 0:13:13.400 have to explain this is how you have to behave 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:14.800 and these are the things that we have to go 0:13:14.880 --> 0:13:18.400 through because of our situation. So it's very difficult, and 0:13:18.480 --> 0:13:21.160 I understand it could be very frustrating. I personally, I 0:13:21.200 --> 0:13:23.800 said before now that I am about to have to 0:13:23.880 --> 0:13:27.800 discipline my children. Um, I almost feel like I shouldn't 0:13:27.840 --> 0:13:31.200 necessarily adopt the things that my mom did to me 0:13:31.520 --> 0:13:34.160 to them. But then I also feel like whatever she 0:13:34.200 --> 0:13:36.679 did to me worked out for me, so maybe I 0:13:36.720 --> 0:13:39.520 should just repeat the pattern and they'll come out good. 0:13:39.520 --> 0:13:41.680 Because I've seen a lot of parents that do the 0:13:42.440 --> 0:13:45.200 you know, sit down in the corner, and they're the 0:13:45.240 --> 0:13:47.080 ones that would be like, Mom, shut the funk up, 0:13:47.240 --> 0:13:51.440 you know, like that's what the excuse me? See, Look, 0:13:52.360 --> 0:13:57.840 I guess someone Nina, don't come over here trying to 0:13:57.840 --> 0:14:00.760 acute because I will beat your ass. So I think 0:14:00.760 --> 0:14:03.080 there's a power. But I me and this is so 0:14:03.160 --> 0:14:05.120 bad that we're having this conversation because I know that 0:14:05.120 --> 0:14:07.520 you're like, pro don't beat the ass, and I'm pro 0:14:07.720 --> 0:14:11.400 beat that ass. So I know there's a part of 0:14:11.440 --> 0:14:18.280 me that feels like uncle huh, because all all of 0:14:18.280 --> 0:14:20.120 our parents, when they've done it, they always feel like 0:14:20.160 --> 0:14:22.120 they're doing it for the best of us, to educate us, 0:14:22.120 --> 0:14:24.200 for for the best of us. But I know that 0:14:24.360 --> 0:14:29.920 deep down inside it hurts them to see you cry, 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:32.720 to see you bruise, because a lot of times they 0:14:32.760 --> 0:14:36.360 can go a little bit over overboard. I remember one 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:38.480 time my mom was really upset at me. She was 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:40.880 driving and I was sitting in the back, and she 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:42.680 did that thing where they drive and then they have 0:14:42.760 --> 0:14:44.800 one hand in the back, and she started beating me 0:14:44.840 --> 0:14:47.560 while she was driving. He sink at it. She popped 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:50.360 me so hard in my face that she busted my 0:14:50.440 --> 0:14:53.200 nose and I started bleeding. And there was a part 0:14:53.240 --> 0:14:54.960 of her she was trying to be tough, but she 0:14:55.120 --> 0:14:58.640 felt guilty. She felt bad that her anger as an 0:14:58.640 --> 0:15:02.720 adult pushed her the way to you know, unintentionally, you know, 0:15:02.920 --> 0:15:06.960 doing that, um And I really want to know from 0:15:06.960 --> 0:15:11.000 your perspective, because see, and now I'm an adult, what 0:15:11.080 --> 0:15:13.400 are some of the traumas that you think that that 0:15:13.480 --> 0:15:18.720 these type of discipline or or for those what do 0:15:18.800 --> 0:15:21.480 you think are some of the traumas as an adult 0:15:21.600 --> 0:15:24.480 or as an adolescent that can happen based off the 0:15:24.480 --> 0:15:29.160 way that they're being disciplined. So there's things that happen 0:15:29.200 --> 0:15:31.200 in the body, right, So there's things that happen in 0:15:31.200 --> 0:15:33.440 the body because our body is an animal, like we are, 0:15:33.520 --> 0:15:35.800 and we're an amanus, right, and so when we are 0:15:35.920 --> 0:15:39.960 under threat, we are going to experience certain things in 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:43.400 our body that exists in order to protect us. So 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:47.840 when we get hit by our parents, by anybody else, right, 0:15:47.880 --> 0:15:49.760 So like if you got hit by a partner, if 0:15:49.760 --> 0:15:52.480 you got hit by a stranger on the street, the 0:15:52.560 --> 0:15:54.920 same thing would happen. Your cortisol level, which is your 0:15:54.920 --> 0:15:58.000 stress hormone. You're like primary stress harmonis cortisol, So that 0:15:58.080 --> 0:16:01.000 goes up. When your cortisol of wills go up, your 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:04.600 brain starts shutting down because now your emphasis is on 0:16:04.680 --> 0:16:09.120 surviving that situation. Right, So when you are in survival. 0:16:09.480 --> 0:16:15.160 And it's interesting because disciplined to teach, right, you can't 0:16:15.320 --> 0:16:18.960 teach You can teach fear, You can definitely teach fear 0:16:19.040 --> 0:16:22.760 and like trauma response. But when you are thinking about kids, 0:16:22.760 --> 0:16:25.560 for example, that are getting beat at home, right, and 0:16:25.600 --> 0:16:28.000 then they go to school, and like I was one, right, 0:16:28.040 --> 0:16:29.920 like I was one where I would go to school sometimes, 0:16:29.920 --> 0:16:33.040 and like my trauma necessarily it was not necessarily like 0:16:33.120 --> 0:16:34.600 physical trauma on me, but it was a lot of 0:16:34.680 --> 0:16:38.440 violence between my parents when I turned like nine ten alive, 0:16:38.480 --> 0:16:40.760 and a lot of verbal violence, a lot of you know, 0:16:40.760 --> 0:16:45.320 physical violence. But I mean, so that's stressful for a child, right, 0:16:45.360 --> 0:16:47.720 That's really stressful for a child to experience, not just 0:16:47.840 --> 0:16:50.400 violence upon a child's body but me and violence that 0:16:50.400 --> 0:16:53.800 they're staying in the home. Right, that's stressful. That is 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:57.840 potentially traumatizing, and that is definitely just regulating in the moment. 0:16:58.160 --> 0:17:00.360 So if you're experiencing something like that and then you 0:17:00.360 --> 0:17:01.600 have to go to school. Because a lot of my 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:04.440 trauma from my mom was verbal, right, like later when 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:08.280 I was older. You can't hit a child when they're twelve, thirteen, fourteen, 0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:10.680 fifteen years old anymore. You have to resort to other 0:17:10.800 --> 0:17:13.359 methods of instilling fear in them. And so my mom eventually, 0:17:13.560 --> 0:17:15.560 you know, she couldn't hit me anymore, but she could 0:17:15.640 --> 0:17:17.200 yell at me, she could shave me, she could call 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:18.760 me all these names that she knew were going to 0:17:18.840 --> 0:17:21.760 hurt me in order for her to, you know, try 0:17:21.840 --> 0:17:24.240 to instill a level of respect that I don't want 0:17:24.240 --> 0:17:27.720 to respect her. I didn't like her that control. So 0:17:27.800 --> 0:17:31.960 it's power. It's power, you know. And so for me, 0:17:32.600 --> 0:17:36.760 when I think about myself as a little girl experiencing violence, 0:17:36.800 --> 0:17:41.120 either watching it, witnessing it, or experiencing it, my brain 0:17:41.200 --> 0:17:43.280 shutting down. I'm not going to do well in school. 0:17:44.080 --> 0:17:46.400 I'm not gonna sit and listen to my teachers. I'm 0:17:46.400 --> 0:17:48.920 gonna focus on building attachment with other people. And that's 0:17:48.920 --> 0:17:50.480 exactly what happened to me. I was like, I don't 0:17:50.520 --> 0:17:53.480 give a fun Like I'm sorry, I don't know. I 0:17:53.560 --> 0:17:57.600 was like, I don't care about school. I just need 0:17:57.640 --> 0:18:00.280 to feel like I belonged to something. I need to 0:18:00.320 --> 0:18:02.880 feel like I want, you know, I'm connected to somebody, 0:18:02.960 --> 0:18:05.960 to someone. So I started, you know, hooking up. I 0:18:06.000 --> 0:18:08.880 started using like a lot of weed, like early right, 0:18:08.880 --> 0:18:11.680 I started smoking cigarettes, like, I started doing all these 0:18:11.680 --> 0:18:16.120 things to like fill this whole that really was connect 0:18:16.160 --> 0:18:18.679 like directly connected with the lack of safety I was 0:18:18.680 --> 0:18:22.439 feeling at home. What do you feel that? UM was 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:25.360 more hurtful because I know how I feel about it, UM, 0:18:25.840 --> 0:18:27.680 And and you know, I laughing and joke about it 0:18:27.720 --> 0:18:31.560 because I I feel like, well, no, I see me, 0:18:31.600 --> 0:18:33.560 and I guess a certain extent it worked for me. 0:18:34.000 --> 0:18:36.119 I don't know. Maybe when my kids do come to 0:18:36.200 --> 0:18:38.240 this world, I will see them and I won't want 0:18:38.240 --> 0:18:42.320 to hit them or beat them or whatever, or maybe 0:18:42.400 --> 0:18:47.400 I will want to like and be like the men. 0:18:50.280 --> 0:18:53.480 I said you will because I saw my first baby 0:18:53.480 --> 0:18:55.800 and I was like, oh, my precious little baby. I 0:18:55.840 --> 0:18:59.520 can't believe. How would anybody ever yell at you? How 0:18:59.520 --> 0:19:01.680 would anybody right? And I was just like, why didn't 0:19:01.720 --> 0:19:03.640 my momm you love me this way? And then they 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:07.720 start growing, and then they start pushing those buttons, you know, 0:19:07.840 --> 0:19:10.520 and then all your ship comes to the surface and 0:19:10.560 --> 0:19:12.960 you're like, oh my god, I thought I was gonna 0:19:13.000 --> 0:19:15.639 be real chill, and I'm not real chill because I 0:19:15.640 --> 0:19:17.959 have more healing to do. Um and so that's what 0:19:17.960 --> 0:19:20.119 they do. But but but what do you think is 0:19:20.160 --> 0:19:24.840 more damaging the physical or the verbal? Because for me, 0:19:25.359 --> 0:19:28.639 I remember my mom, uh, you know, her parenting skills 0:19:28.640 --> 0:19:32.000 at the moment, you know, immigrant no papers, doesn't know 0:19:32.040 --> 0:19:37.400 the language, has a small baby, single mothers, working three jobs, 0:19:37.440 --> 0:19:41.520 she's stressed out. And then there comes me, So you know, 0:19:41.680 --> 0:19:44.280 I I can understand and that's sometimes that I feel 0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:47.240 that as adults now we need to sometimes put ourselves 0:19:47.240 --> 0:19:49.840 in our parents shoes because we're too attached in the 0:19:49.840 --> 0:19:52.199 way that we feel. But if we take two seconds 0:19:52.200 --> 0:19:54.440 to put ourselves in their shoes and try to understand 0:19:54.440 --> 0:19:58.000 all the things and the pressures of build's responsibilities everything 0:19:58.040 --> 0:20:00.080 you have a little kid, you're yelling your screen me, 0:20:00.160 --> 0:20:03.840 you're misbehaving, all everything that's on their plate. I'm a 0:20:03.840 --> 0:20:05.760 single child, but a lot of parents have three, four 0:20:05.800 --> 0:20:08.320 or five, six kids and they're dealing with all of this. 0:20:09.080 --> 0:20:12.320 Sometimes I don't want to completely put all the pressure 0:20:12.359 --> 0:20:18.440 and all the fault on parents, because I tried to understand. 0:20:17.640 --> 0:20:29.760 It was a lot, and physical punishments were bad, and 0:20:29.800 --> 0:20:32.560 at the moment, I remember wanting to run away and 0:20:32.600 --> 0:20:34.199 you know, closing the door in my room and like 0:20:34.200 --> 0:20:36.600 a fucking bitch, you know, in my room, not in 0:20:36.640 --> 0:20:39.879 her face, never um, all those things, I'm gonna pack up, 0:20:39.880 --> 0:20:41.960 I'm gonna pack my book bag, and I'm just gonna leave, 0:20:42.000 --> 0:20:43.919 and you're never gonna see me again, and that and 0:20:43.960 --> 0:20:49.760 all those things. But the verbal was more damaging because 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:52.879 I can't get it out of my head. You know, 0:20:52.920 --> 0:20:55.960 the physical will heal. But the things that came out 0:20:56.000 --> 0:20:57.520 of your mouth when you were angry, when you were 0:20:57.600 --> 0:21:00.520 upset or whatever, I try to forgive and understand then now, 0:21:00.600 --> 0:21:03.479 But I agree, and I agree that they are equally right. 0:21:04.200 --> 0:21:08.600 My mom says, you know, like she describes in detail 0:21:08.640 --> 0:21:11.200 some of the physical abuse that she received, like I 0:21:11.240 --> 0:21:16.359 remember getting you know, seemed though all of that, but 0:21:16.440 --> 0:21:19.080 I don't even remember why, right, But like though that 0:21:19.200 --> 0:21:22.159 verbal violence, like and I will call it violence. I 0:21:22.160 --> 0:21:24.840 don't call it abuse because it's too subjective, but it's violence. 0:21:24.880 --> 0:21:30.320 You're inflicting violence, right, um. And so that I do remember, 0:21:30.680 --> 0:21:33.280 and you're right, like I do, I do, I do forgive. 0:21:33.920 --> 0:21:36.960 It sears you, you know, like it really sears you, 0:21:37.000 --> 0:21:40.879 like the Decona Marca and and some of those things 0:21:40.920 --> 0:21:42.760 that we were told are going to take a lot 0:21:42.800 --> 0:21:46.680 of time to undo, right, Like my mom's big thing 0:21:46.720 --> 0:21:48.440 for me was like we wona right, Like she would 0:21:48.480 --> 0:21:50.520