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Speaker 1: Welcome back to another episode of selective Ignorance with Mandy B.

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Speaker 1: That is me and y'all. We are here for our

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Speaker 1: final gathering of the No Holds Barred book Club, and

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Speaker 1: I want to give you all a round of applause

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Speaker 1: for joining me for the last month every Wednesday. Y'all,

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Speaker 1: we survived the book, our group chats, and the occasional

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Speaker 1: heated that's not with the automatic debates, without a single fight,

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Speaker 1: And I love this for us. Growth, my friends, that's

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Speaker 1: called growth. Now, this episode is all about power, and listen,

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Speaker 1: I'm not talking about world domination, a villain cape or

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Speaker 1: ominous theme music. I am talking about your power, the

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Speaker 1: kind that comes from somewhere deep in your gut, your soul,

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Speaker 1: or my case, that one moment when you realize you're

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Speaker 1: too old to waste time on nonsense. Now listen. Some

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Speaker 1: of us found our power after trauma, that moment when

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Speaker 1: life not does flat and we realize, oh nah, I'm

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Speaker 1: not staying down here on this floor anymore. Some found

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Speaker 1: it walking away from an abusive relationship where every step

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Speaker 1: toward the door felt like a mile, and some of

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Speaker 1: us found it in a quiet way, like finally realizing

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Speaker 1: your self worth or deciding, you know what, my happiness

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Speaker 1: is not up for debate. Here's the thing, though, power

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Speaker 1: isn't one size fits all. It's not a magic potion.

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Speaker 1: My version might look different than yours. My version might

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Speaker 1: actually look like choosing peace over proven a point, while

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Speaker 1: yours might look like building an empire. Some one else's

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Speaker 1: might look like wearing sequence to the grocery store just

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Speaker 1: because it feels right. But every single one of us

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Speaker 1: has a different map, a different compass, and a different destination.

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Speaker 1: And that is the beauty of it. Power doesn't always roar.

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Speaker 1: Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it belly laughs, sometimes it just

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Speaker 1: quietly refuses to settle for less. So this episode we

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Speaker 1: close this chapter literally and figuratively in the book by

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Speaker 1: sharing not just how we found our power, but how

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Speaker 1: we're protecting it, feeding it, and maybe even letting it

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Speaker 1: evolve a little bit. Because the truth is, this journey

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Speaker 1: never really ends. I said it this whole time. Although

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Speaker 1: each chapter ended with a period, every chapter in this

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Speaker 1: book is still ongoing. But enough for me, I am

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Speaker 1: very pleased to share my last book club session, where

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Speaker 1: so many of the women shared how they obtained their power.

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Speaker 1: Enjoy It is the last installment of the No Hols

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Speaker 1: Barred Book Club with men dB going a by my

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Speaker 1: sections and why I have an accent is because, bitch,

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Speaker 1: I don't know, but you know, like bitch, I'm a

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Speaker 1: New York Times bestseller author, so I feel like I

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Speaker 1: gotta have accents to, you know, be able to talk

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Speaker 1: to the people. We have our European leg of our tour. Nonetheless,

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Speaker 1: welcome back. We're going over the last portion of the book,

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Speaker 1: which leaned into Power. Now for Power, this portion was

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Speaker 1: a shared power. I actually, oh, I'm gonna see if

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Speaker 1: I can pull it up backstory BTS. For this portion

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Speaker 1: of the book, we actually first were going to do

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Speaker 1: a letter to ourselves, that is what the power portion

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Speaker 1: of the book was going to be. However, they both

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Speaker 1: read so differently that we were like, eh, maybe there's

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Speaker 1: a way we can make this come together more cohesively,

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Speaker 1: and we pretty much somehow ended up where we talked

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Speaker 1: about just the different elements of what how we viewed

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Speaker 1: ourselves as power full. For me, it was just a

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Speaker 1: really good way to round out the book because I

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Speaker 1: think it left any of the readers being able to

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Speaker 1: figure out if they were in a moment of power,

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Speaker 1: have achieved feeling powerful or were in the right direction

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Speaker 1: of becoming liberated and powerful in their own right. Da

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Speaker 1: in the comments asks differently, how I wrote mine, like

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Speaker 1: really therapeutically, if that's even a word. I wrote mine

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Speaker 1: like as the waves crash, and you know, I was like,

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Speaker 1: I was really getting into my bag, Like, okay, if

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Speaker 1: I could write a letter to myself, let me make

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Speaker 1: this shit sound real, you know. Lit we The's letter

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Speaker 1: was like every curse word that we've ever made up.

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Speaker 1: It was talking to herself. She chose to talk to

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Speaker 1: herself as the past, present, and future, and so she

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Speaker 1: spoke to what she would say to her younger self,

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Speaker 1: what she would say to herself today, and then what

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Speaker 1: she would tell herself in the future, but in a

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Speaker 1: very like this is how Weezy talks type of way.

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Speaker 1: My letter was just, like I said, a lot more theatrical, bitch,

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Speaker 1: because it's a book I'm gonna author, And so they

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Speaker 1: just didn't really mesh and I was very adamant. Y'all know,

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Speaker 1: compromise is a word We've been both trying to figure

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Speaker 1: out what the fucking mean. This was not a chapter

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Speaker 1: we really knew how to compromise in terms of both

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Speaker 1: sharing our individual letters to ourselves. So Tempest kind of

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Speaker 1: asked us to write down what power meant to us.

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Speaker 1: She asked us like these four questions and then she

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Speaker 1: had each of us answer them, and from there we

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Speaker 1: kind of combined it as a whole thing, and so

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Speaker 1: that's where we got our power portion. I did want

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Speaker 1: to share too before y'all pull says whole share y'all stories.

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Speaker 1: For me, probably the entry way for me feeling the

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Speaker 1: most powerful to me in dating and as a woman

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Speaker 1: came with financial freedom. I'm not going to hold you

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Speaker 1: from growing up in a single parent household, to my

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Speaker 1: father holding money and child support over our heads and

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Speaker 1: to see my mom kind of get into these real

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Speaker 1: toxic relationships where she still had to kind of work

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Speaker 1: multiple jobs to sustain everything. For me, I think I

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Speaker 1: found the most the most power as a woman with

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Speaker 1: being able to like pay my own shit, which is

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Speaker 1: crazy because in the book I and if you guys

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Speaker 1: have ever heard me interview Neo, I tell Neo it's

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Speaker 1: his fault. Why the fuck we all thought we had

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Speaker 1: to be independent women? Like And then if I ever

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Speaker 1: get the chance to me Beyonce to her face, she

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Speaker 1: did the same shit. She was I here, Oh on

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Speaker 1: my women, wind, what are we talking about? She literally says,

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Speaker 1: always fifty to fifty relationships? What are we doing? Why

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Speaker 1: we don't want to be fifty to fifty ir related like?

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Speaker 1: And so this happened around the time I was becoming

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Speaker 1: a woman, and I have nothing to say to Busy

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Speaker 1: He another one, but I literally have nothing to say

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Speaker 1: to that man because yeah, no. But I reference all

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Speaker 1: of them in the book because at a pivotal moment

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Speaker 1: in me growing up, the music was leaning into women

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Speaker 1: being these strong, powerful beings, as independent women, and I

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Speaker 1: would say over the last ten to fifteen years has

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Speaker 1: been confusion between independence and masculinity, and I hate that

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Speaker 1: there's like confusion between the two. However, for me, not

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Speaker 1: having to lean into a transactional relationship and being able to,

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Speaker 1: you know, pay my own bills has allowed me to,

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Speaker 1: I believe, have way more honest relationships with men because

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Speaker 1: I'm not leaning into those relationships expecting to be taken

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Speaker 1: care of. And so y'all probably have kind of picked

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Speaker 1: up on notes of that in the book as well.

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Speaker 1: But I would say that's where I truly found my

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Speaker 1: power outside of actually in real life, not fake life,

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Speaker 1: being confident in my body, confident in my skin, bitch.

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Speaker 1: At one point, I ain't even like my big old

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Speaker 1: silk dollar ariolas. I like them things now, But there

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Speaker 1: was a moment where there was just so much about

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Speaker 1: my body that I didn't like that I kind of

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Speaker 1: needed again the validation and compliments in all of the

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Speaker 1: wrong places. And so for me, those are the two

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Speaker 1: places that I found my power over the last couple

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Speaker 1: of years. I'm thirty four, about to be thirty five,

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Speaker 1: and boying my holding on to that thirty four because

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Speaker 1: I could still say, you know, low thirties. I'm in

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Speaker 1: my young thirties, bitch. Once you hit thirty five, it's mid.

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Speaker 1: It's mid, it's mid and you know. But I would say,

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Speaker 1: it's been really the journey of loving myself from the

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Speaker 1: inside out, from the outside in, and truly getting a

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Speaker 1: grasp on my own financial security that's allowed me to

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Speaker 1: feel sexually liberated. Now, before I get y'all to sharing

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Speaker 1: your stories, I told some of the people that were

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Speaker 1: on the book club a little earlier. You guys are

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Speaker 1: following me on this journey, right, and so I just

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Speaker 1: want to throw out the disclaimer that y'all will hear

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Speaker 1: an episode in a couple weeks. That will sound like

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Speaker 1: I'm reverting, that will sound like I'm backtracking. However I'm not.

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Speaker 1: I feel so powerful. So basically I bought a bottle

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Speaker 1: in a cabana at the pool and invited mad niggas

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Speaker 1: I was talking to. And I didn't think they were

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Speaker 1: all gonna show up, but two of them showed up

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Speaker 1: at the same time.

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Speaker 2: And.

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Speaker 1: Boy, that was a new step of power. There's power

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Speaker 1: in being able to exist as a fuck nigga. Like

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Speaker 1: I know, we don't like fuck niggas. We don't. However,

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Speaker 1: when you have the opportunity to exist as one, I understand.

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Speaker 1: It was just like it felt great because both of

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Speaker 1: them behaved. I went between both the May show, they

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Speaker 1: both had their drinks or to their food, like what

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Speaker 1: you want, baby, you good? Okay, rub their shoulders, you

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Speaker 1: know what I mean? Like it was cute, and it

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Speaker 1: just felt so powerful to be able to just like

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Speaker 1: exist and exists in a way where I didn't care

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Speaker 1: what they thought of me sexually, how they thought of me,

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Speaker 1: whether I was wife material, mom material. And in the

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Speaker 1: book I leaned heavily into that too, where when we

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Speaker 1: think of patriarchy, it's forcing women to exist in only

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Speaker 1: the roles that men want us to be in. And

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Speaker 1: so it was liberating as fun to be like, well,

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Speaker 1: both y'all here. As long as they behaved, we were

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Speaker 1: good and they were great. They both behaved. Ain't nobody

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Speaker 1: saying nothing. It was cute And that's what the fuck

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Speaker 1: I'm talking about now. Naomi raised her hand and she's laughing. So, bitch,

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Speaker 1: if you're gonna be disrespectful, I'm a comfort your ass.

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Speaker 1: But go ahead, Naomi, not at all. I don't know

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Speaker 1: why you said.

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Speaker 3: That's not fuck NIGGI because they know what's up, and

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Speaker 3: that's why they behaved.

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Speaker 1: And you know, money, no, no, why you don't think they knew? No,

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Speaker 1: no, no no, Because here's the thing about being honest. I

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Speaker 1: don't think omission is honesty. I also don't think either

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Speaker 1: of them knew to ask me, hey, is any other

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Speaker 1: guy you're talking to gonna be there? But it was

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Speaker 1: also something I didn't share.

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Speaker 3: Because they probably don't care. That's one thing about bet

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Speaker 3: they don't really care. That's just like one thing about

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Speaker 3: being with a fu nig. You don't really care. You

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Speaker 3: want to fuck him, you don't care what the conditions are.

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Speaker 3: Anytime I've been in that situation.

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Speaker 1: I don't care that. I think women don't hire two.

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Speaker 3: Girl at the table with the other girl acting like

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Speaker 3: a friend with my.

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Speaker 4: Uh what they call it spending night bag.

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Speaker 3: In the car because I thought I was going home

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Speaker 3: with him that night, but oh it.

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Speaker 1: Was her, it's her, so so can I tell you

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Speaker 1: that that's where it felt powerful for me. I know

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Speaker 1: I had been that girl before, and I was only

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Speaker 1: that girl because the guy that I was with had

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Speaker 1: me throwed and he had money, and so for me

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Speaker 1: being able to be on the reverse right, And I

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Speaker 1: think that's why once both of them showed up, I said, well,

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Speaker 1: I think a bitch gotta buy a bottle. Now, let

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Speaker 1: me go ahead and buy his bottle. I said, yeah,

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Speaker 1: bring out, I said, bring out the sparklers. Okay, they

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Speaker 1: brought out a car. I said, I said, make it loud,

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Speaker 1: make it loud. But yeah, you're right, I think, And

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure if many women have admitted to that

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Speaker 1: where they've been invited out to a club or a

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Speaker 1: party or you know, a get together knowing that they

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Speaker 1: would possibly be in the same space and as one

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Speaker 1: of the other women that this guy talks to. Yes,

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Speaker 1: most times than not, we do it, we know it,

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Speaker 1: and that we were quote unquote well behaved.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, because I know I don't have no claim.

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Speaker 1: You don't really have no claim.

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Speaker 3: You don't have a ring on your finger, that's not

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Speaker 3: your man and so and he never promised you. Now,

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Speaker 3: it's one thing if somebody, oh, yeah, you're the only

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Speaker 3: one I ain't talking to nobody else and all of that,

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Speaker 3: But if he's somebody who just met girl, you know

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Speaker 3: he's lying. But for me, for that situation, it was like,

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Speaker 3: I know he's a hope this is happening.

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Speaker 1: But like all got calmed down. I'm sitting here saying

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Speaker 1: I'm a powerful boss, not that I'm a hoe. No,

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Speaker 1: I mean I'm not that guy. Okay, yeah, I mean

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Speaker 1: not to that guy's all right, Yeah, you're now you're

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Speaker 1: woa whoa just aren't good either? All right time you Naomi,

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Speaker 1: thank you so much for your for your insights. But yeah,

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Speaker 1: I think I think for me it's been really good

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Speaker 1: to be able to show up and be honest. I

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Speaker 1: guess I'm working on showing up and being honest in

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Speaker 1: a healthy, respectful way. Only because I do want to

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Speaker 1: speak to someone in the Patreon community over on decisions decisions.

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Speaker 1: I wonder if I could find hold On. Let me

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Speaker 1: see if I could find the name, because I do

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Speaker 1: want to Yes, GGC, I want you to know you

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Speaker 1: are very wrong in your comment that says Mandy loves

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Speaker 1: wasting a man's time. Boy, now listen, I tell this

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Speaker 1: to women. I'm gonna tell it to everyone listening. Only

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Speaker 1: you can waste your time. I cannot waste anybody else's time.

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Speaker 1: To me, when you're honest, when you're upfront about your intentions,

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Speaker 1: what you're looking for, it is up to the other

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Speaker 1: person to decide if they want to sick around or not.

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Speaker 1: I think that we like to put a lot of

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Speaker 1: blame on our partners in certain relationships where we'd be like, man,

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Speaker 1: he wasted my time. No, Sis, you have a part

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Speaker 1: in that. And for me, I think when we show

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Speaker 1: up in this element of dating or having sex or

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Speaker 1: building any type of romantic or intimate bonds with somebody,

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Speaker 1: when you're open about expectations, when you're open about your

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Speaker 1: short term and long term goals, then the only person

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Speaker 1: who you can blame for wasting your time is yourself

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Speaker 1: if that person doesn't align with you. And I think

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Speaker 1: that we put the onus far too often on other

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Speaker 1: people as to wasting your time, when in reality, a

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Speaker 1: lot of us have the power literally to walk away

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Speaker 1: if it doesn't suit us. Sue you have your hand raised.

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Speaker 1: I do, I literally just so.

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Speaker 5: I'm probably the younger demographic of all of y'all. So

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Speaker 5: dating is something that I'm still learning to navigate. And

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Speaker 5: I'm a very big Peopil's Lisa, And on the topic

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Speaker 5: of like wasting time and all that stuff.

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Speaker 1: Just recently cut off a guy is that it wasn't.

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Speaker 5: Taking me on dates or enough dates, wasn't showing me

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Speaker 5: off enough. We hadny for like four plus months, so

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Speaker 5: I was like, it's time, it's time to go outside.

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Speaker 1: So can I ask you then, what is dating? If

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Speaker 1: he wasn't taking you on dates? Okay?

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Speaker 5: So yes, that, but we were like we would do

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Speaker 5: cute little things like he had cooked inner for me,

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Speaker 5: We would watch movies, like he would set up like

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Speaker 5: there was a date that we did at his balcony

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Speaker 5: where he would like he laid out like a little

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Speaker 5: blanket and he had popcorn, and we watched a movie.

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Speaker 5: I consider that a date because we first met.

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Speaker 1: So did this man have money at all to take

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Speaker 1: the okay, see, but he picnic on the balcony, yes,

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Speaker 1: because I told him. I told him it would be

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Speaker 1: cute because the sun the stars were gonna be nice.

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Speaker 5: But we had gone on dates before. Okay, we had

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Speaker 5: gone on dates before. It's just when you it got

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Speaker 5: to that. It got to that part where let's just

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Speaker 5: stay at home, let's just stay at home, let's wacially movie,

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Speaker 5: let's have sex, and let's just talk and let's just

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Speaker 5: stay inside. That's where it got to and I was like, hey,

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Speaker 5: I appreciate this time with you. I would appreciate you

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Speaker 5: taking me out every once in a while. And then

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Speaker 5: he was like, yeah, yeah, of course I understand that.

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Speaker 5: A week went by, two weeks went by, nothing, and

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Speaker 5: I was like, hey, are you gonna are you gonna

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Speaker 5: do this? And he's like, you know, I just I

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Speaker 5: don't think this is something that I wanted to do.

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Speaker 5: And I was like, okay, then then we don't see

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Speaker 5: each other anymore.

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Speaker 1: He said he only wanted to see you inside, not outside.

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Speaker 5: Yeah, And I was like, and I had met his

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Speaker 5: friends before, so it's not like it was like a stranger.

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Speaker 1: I met this friend. Girl. Meeting the friends don't mean nothing,

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Speaker 1: say no, no, no, I know the friends don't mean anything.

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Speaker 1: But I'm just saying like there was no not shame.

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Speaker 1: Shame was not the right word, but there was no

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Speaker 1: reason to hide me, if that made sense. But I

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Speaker 1: can't think, so okay. And then so I was like, okay, well,

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Speaker 1: if we don't want to take me outside, then we're done.

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Speaker 1: And then he's like, no, no, what do you mean, like

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Speaker 1: we don't have to?

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Speaker 5: And I was like, I asked you to take me

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Speaker 5: outside on dates. We can get dressed up, we could

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Speaker 5: look nice. You don't want to do that.

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Speaker 1: That's hard.

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Speaker 5: I'm gonna go on days with somebody else. And I

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Speaker 5: totally by. I was very uncomfortable. I did not want

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Speaker 5: to say goodbye to this man. I liked him a lot,

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Speaker 5: but he was not treating me the way that I

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Speaker 5: wanted to be treated. So I said goodbye to not

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Speaker 5: waste my time any further.

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Speaker 1: So my only okay, So this is what I will say,

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Speaker 1: and this is something this has learned. Because you want

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Speaker 1: to sit here and talk about you so much goddamn

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Speaker 1: younger than no, No at all. That's that's what I'm saying.

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Speaker 5: I'm saying I feel like y'all have more life expres

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Speaker 5: than I do, and y'all are in a position in

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Speaker 5: which you feel I'm still it's still very difficult for

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Speaker 5: me to say no to people, and I she.

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Speaker 1: Like it's not even saying no. Right, this is I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna read Deandre's response. Connie also wrote her hand, but

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Speaker 1: I want to say my overall thoughts on this in

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Speaker 1: terms of dating, right what I realize and y'all might

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Speaker 1: even have heard me. That's pretty much how I was

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Speaker 1: able to have actor Base show up exactly how I want.

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Speaker 1: So if you want a certain relationship with a man,

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Speaker 1: not saying you even want to be with him or

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Speaker 1: not like, but if you're starting out a relationship, I

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Speaker 1: will tell you, although it seems like nothing, getting a

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Speaker 1: relationship to blossom into more when it's already kind of

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Speaker 1: comfortable is way harder than having a nigga show up

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Speaker 1: out the gate with all the things and then being

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Speaker 1: okay with it trailing down. So even if you are

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Speaker 1: comfortable with a man you know cooking for you and

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Speaker 1: watching movies and all of these things with you, girl,

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Speaker 1: make that nigga take you out on mad dates before

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Speaker 1: you get comfortable in scaling it down to that, because

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Speaker 1: starting in the house, getting a nigga to take you

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Speaker 1: outside after he's already gotten comfortable, after he know he

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Speaker 1: can cook and get pussy without spending money, without taking

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Speaker 1: you out without thinking. Do you know how hard it

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Speaker 1: is for men to think? And now you want him

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Speaker 1: to like curate dates. If all he has to do

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Speaker 1: is throw something in the oven, find a show on Netflix,

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Speaker 1: and he getting pussy, why do anything more? And so

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Speaker 1: in terms of dating, you kind of had to trickle

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Speaker 1: out the bullshit niggas ain't really willing to do much

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Speaker 1: for you and then spoil them with those type of

360
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Speaker 1: nights later. But yeah, like he gotta put effort in

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Speaker 1: from the beginning. And if you don't force them to

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Speaker 1: really show up with effort in the beginning, girl, four

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Speaker 1: months later, you're doomed asking a nigga down the line, Hey,

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Speaker 1: now I want you to take me out. They gonna

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Speaker 1: look at you like you boogoo the fool and mind you.

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Speaker 1: Tim is over here laughing like the fuck nigga he

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Speaker 1: used to be. He is agreeing with everything that I

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Speaker 1: have saying. He's like, yup, bitch, you should have maybe

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Speaker 1: take you out first. Now, Connie, you has some additions

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Speaker 1: to this because you were you were mouthing your thoughts

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Speaker 1: while she was talking as well.

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Speaker 4: So I had a friend back in the day. We

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Speaker 4: all work together, and you know, groups of co workers,

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Speaker 4: you talk, you chit chat. And he would tell us

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Speaker 4: that he had, you know, his little roster or whatever

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Speaker 4: of like Blockbuster girls. And we're like, hold On was

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Speaker 4: the Blockbuster girl. And he was a little bit older

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Speaker 4: than this. We were in our twenties and I think

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Speaker 4: he was in like his early thirties. He's like, Blockbuster

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Speaker 4: girls are girls that I order pizza with. This is

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Speaker 4: before Netflix, but you would go, you rent a movie.

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Speaker 4: He's like, we'll do stuff. We'll go to the park,

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Speaker 4: we'll ride bikes. You know, I'll cook or she'll cook.

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Speaker 4: He was like, but I like that because it's low

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Speaker 4: maintenance and I know I can get sex the girls

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Speaker 4: that I have to like wine and dine and really

387
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Speaker 4: like I made reservations and I put on a nice

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Speaker 4: shirt and I had to plan ahead of time. He

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Speaker 4: was like, even if it was like a museum date.

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Speaker 4: He was like, with the girls that really I put

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Speaker 4: in an effort for. He was like, it was never

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Speaker 4: just the museum. Maybe like the museum or art exhibit.

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Speaker 4: Then we're going to dinner, we're going to a wine bar.

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Speaker 4: It's an entire experience. He's like, but the Blockbuster Girls

395
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Speaker 4: guaranteed sex. All I gotta do is like hang out

396
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Speaker 4: with you, and then afterwards it's like, oh, it's eleven o'clock,

397
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Speaker 4: so what's you gonna do? Never spend the night nothing.

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Speaker 4: So a lot of the times, like Mandy said, if

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Speaker 4: you aren't having that expectation ahead of time that these

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Speaker 4: are the things that you want to see and enjoy doing,

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Speaker 4: and then maintaining that because you could be four months

402
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Speaker 4: in and at month five there's no more date nights.

403
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Speaker 4: There's just oh, we in the house, We in the house.

404
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:09,720
Speaker 4: You have to re iterate, like, hey, I would really

405
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Speaker 4: like it if we could go out to like a

406
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Speaker 4: jazz show. You have to bring that back up that way.

407
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Speaker 4: They know they're like, oh, I can't just like behave

408
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Speaker 4: until she gets comfortable and then it's fine, she's gonna

409
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Speaker 4: forget about it.

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Speaker 1: No, not at all. And Timmy even just said, his

411
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Speaker 1: friend just went through this, and her man was doing

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Speaker 1: it with five women. By the way, her saying that

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Speaker 1: was her man, that wasn't her man, that was a man.

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Speaker 1: But pretty much they were open, but he was doing

415
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Speaker 1: nothing for everyone. And I think that that's where we

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Speaker 1: are to be, to be very clear, transparent and honest

417
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Speaker 1: about what sexual liberation is done. I think it's confused

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Speaker 1: some of us being able to share our expectations even

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Speaker 1: with casual sex. And unfortunately, casual sex quote unquote should

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Speaker 1: be like a treat, like for a man to be

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Speaker 1: able to be with a woman who's not asking or

422
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Speaker 1: requiring a lot should be like a unicorn. But instead

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Speaker 1: there's so many women that you know, are confusing not

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Speaker 1: only being liberated, but casual sex with situationships and all

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Speaker 1: these other things. Yes, Connie, that is just like, oh no,

426
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Speaker 1: what's really happening is you're taking the crumbs, you're taking

427
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Speaker 1: the bare minimum from men, and they're reaping the benefits

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Speaker 1: because you're not really fully expressing what you want out

429
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:40,200
Speaker 1: the gate. And that's the other thing, and I talk

430
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:44,639
Speaker 1: about it in the Unicorn chapter. We as women have

431
00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,160
Speaker 1: to be okay with a man not being for us

432
00:25:47,600 --> 00:25:50,399
Speaker 1: he could be beautiful, he could have a big old dick,

433
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:53,399
Speaker 1: he could have a good paying job, he could like

434
00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:57,240
Speaker 1: literally be the man of your dreams. But if he's

435
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: not showing up or willing to give you what you

436
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:01,800
Speaker 1: want at the moment that you that you want it,

437
00:26:03,760 --> 00:26:05,960
Speaker 1: send that little fishy on back out into the pond

438
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,879
Speaker 1: and go find someone else. Because if you are really

439
00:26:09,920 --> 00:26:12,640
Speaker 1: adamant and intentional on the things that you want out

440
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:17,640
Speaker 1: of sex, pleasure, relationships, intimacy, as soon as you see

441
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:20,879
Speaker 1: that someone is not willing to meet you where you

442
00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:23,480
Speaker 1: want to be met, you gotta be fine with letting

443
00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:27,320
Speaker 1: them go because essentially you have to view someone not

444
00:26:27,359 --> 00:26:29,280
Speaker 1: willing to show up for you, not willing to take

445
00:26:29,320 --> 00:26:32,359
Speaker 1: you on a date, as a form of rejection. You

446
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:34,200
Speaker 1: can't think that just because a nigga want to fuck

447
00:26:34,240 --> 00:26:37,040
Speaker 1: you that that's something to be proud of. These niggas

448
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 1: a fuck a chicken sandwich? How many years have I

449
00:26:39,440 --> 00:26:42,720
Speaker 1: been saying it? So we have to find a way

450
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:46,720
Speaker 1: to make sure that that person is still respecting us,

451
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,439
Speaker 1: it's still able to show up for us, it's still

452
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:54,320
Speaker 1: able to be there for us when they're not inside

453
00:26:54,359 --> 00:27:03,639
Speaker 1: of us, And I will leave it there Now, I

454
00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:07,639
Speaker 1: guess I did want to let me see. Damn, I

455
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,160
Speaker 1: thought I was gonna get a story. Look, I can't multitask.

456
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:12,639
Speaker 1: I want to be able to find my goddamn letter

457
00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:17,040
Speaker 1: to myself, but I also want to know. I guess

458
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:19,360
Speaker 1: I want to leave the floor open real quick, because

459
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:23,600
Speaker 1: we are about halfway through. I want to know if

460
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,280
Speaker 1: anyone here, and it's not if I'm lying, who here,

461
00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:29,680
Speaker 1: because it's gonna be somebody if I got a call

462
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,000
Speaker 1: on you like the teacher, who in here has a

463
00:27:33,040 --> 00:27:39,359
Speaker 1: story about finding their power, whether it be in the bedroom,

464
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:43,400
Speaker 1: whether it be the power to leave an unhealthy relationship,

465
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:48,160
Speaker 1: whether it be the power to feel confident in themselves

466
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:53,240
Speaker 1: to exist in the realm that they are now. I'm

467
00:27:53,240 --> 00:27:57,119
Speaker 1: really interested to know because clearly there was a lot

468
00:27:57,200 --> 00:28:00,159
Speaker 1: of un learning I had to do. There's a lot

469
00:28:00,160 --> 00:28:08,240
Speaker 1: of forgiveness I'm still currently working through. Dom. I love

470
00:28:08,320 --> 00:28:11,040
Speaker 1: that you in the chat. Dom. I'm about to umute

471
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:14,920
Speaker 1: you because now I want to know the story, dom, Dom,

472
00:28:15,000 --> 00:28:16,160
Speaker 1: can you unmute yourself?

473
00:28:16,480 --> 00:28:16,600
Speaker 2: Uh?

474
00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:20,360
Speaker 1: Dom in the chat said that they left an abusive

475
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:25,439
Speaker 1: relationship and rebuilt their life at twenty eight. I'm curious

476
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,080
Speaker 1: as to what that looks like as a twenty eight

477
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:34,119
Speaker 1: year old m because ironic, you know what I mean? Like, ironically,

478
00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:38,120
Speaker 1: I do feel like thirty. You still get hit in

479
00:28:38,160 --> 00:28:40,160
Speaker 1: the head with like, oh my god, what was I

480
00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:42,400
Speaker 1: doing in my twenties? So what did that look like

481
00:28:42,440 --> 00:28:42,680
Speaker 1: for you?

482
00:28:43,280 --> 00:28:47,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, so quick backstory. I was twenty three when I

483
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:50,880
Speaker 2: met this man. He was twenty eight. We listen and

484
00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:58,520
Speaker 2: we don't judge, okay. So he had four kids, three

485
00:28:58,640 --> 00:29:03,800
Speaker 2: baby mamas, and I thought he was the love of

486
00:29:03,840 --> 00:29:05,120
Speaker 2: my life.

487
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,480
Speaker 1: Oh on, let me put myself on you. So I

488
00:29:07,480 --> 00:29:12,120
Speaker 1: don't get no ad little suthing here, Okay, go ahead, down.

489
00:29:13,480 --> 00:29:18,200
Speaker 2: So, yeah, fell in love, moved in with him when

490
00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:23,160
Speaker 2: I was what twenty six, worst mistake of my life.

491
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 2: I was going fifty to fifty. I was helping him

492
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,920
Speaker 2: with the kids who lived full time with us.

493
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:34,840
Speaker 1: Wait what happened to the moms? The three moms.

494
00:29:36,120 --> 00:29:38,880
Speaker 2: One of the moms was like a crackhead. So we

495
00:29:38,960 --> 00:29:42,800
Speaker 2: had two of the babies with us. So yeah, I

496
00:29:42,880 --> 00:29:46,400
Speaker 2: was doing the step mom, helping with the bills. My

497
00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:51,040
Speaker 2: dad had just passed away to so he was just

498
00:29:52,520 --> 00:29:58,360
Speaker 2: reaping all the benefits. So something in my brain connected

499
00:29:58,480 --> 00:30:03,360
Speaker 2: where I was like, this doesn't make sense. Why am

500
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,800
Speaker 2: I here being treated like trash?

501
00:30:06,920 --> 00:30:07,960
Speaker 1: Can I ask you, Dom?

502
00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:08,520
Speaker 2: Yeah?

503
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:12,160
Speaker 1: What because we can? I mean, I don't want to

504
00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:15,360
Speaker 1: lean into science that some trigger in your brain went off.

505
00:30:15,400 --> 00:30:18,200
Speaker 1: So I'd love to know. Was it a friend, a

506
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:22,200
Speaker 1: family member, a television show, a song, an episode of

507
00:30:22,200 --> 00:30:26,960
Speaker 1: a podcast, was it a book? What at in your

508
00:30:27,040 --> 00:30:30,920
Speaker 1: twenties led you to actually be like this isn't right,

509
00:30:31,000 --> 00:30:32,040
Speaker 1: This isn't what I deserve.

510
00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 2: So my dad just passed and instead of him being

511
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 2: a nice person, he just made it harder for me

512
00:30:43,200 --> 00:30:49,320
Speaker 2: to deal with that grief. And I was sitting in

513
00:30:49,440 --> 00:30:52,240
Speaker 2: our bedroom one day and I said, God forbid my

514
00:30:52,400 --> 00:30:55,840
Speaker 2: mom and my siblings pass away or move and I'm

515
00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:58,960
Speaker 2: stuck with this man. I am in trouble.

516
00:31:00,160 --> 00:31:03,680
Speaker 1: So he wasn't a support system during a very hard

517
00:31:03,840 --> 00:31:07,200
Speaker 1: time for you in grieving. And him not being a

518
00:31:07,200 --> 00:31:09,640
Speaker 1: support system there let you know like, oh yeah, this

519
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:10,080
Speaker 1: ain't it?

520
00:31:10,680 --> 00:31:11,800
Speaker 2: Yeah pretty much?

521
00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:14,920
Speaker 1: So so yeah, where did that trigger?

522
00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:15,160
Speaker 2: Like?

523
00:31:15,280 --> 00:31:16,160
Speaker 1: Then what happened?

524
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,120
Speaker 2: I grabbed my shit, put it in my car, and

525
00:31:20,200 --> 00:31:23,160
Speaker 2: I went back home and I said, Mom, I'm back.

526
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:26,120
Speaker 1: Wow.

527
00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:29,920
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I rebuilt my life. So I stayed at

528
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:32,760
Speaker 2: my mom's house for like two months. I got a

529
00:31:32,760 --> 00:31:35,120
Speaker 2: new apartment in San Diego County.

530
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:35,720
Speaker 1: OK.

531
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:39,840
Speaker 2: You know, I started going to the gym. I rebuilt

532
00:31:39,840 --> 00:31:44,800
Speaker 2: my friendships, I made new friendships. I'm just now starting today,

533
00:31:45,160 --> 00:31:47,760
Speaker 2: like barely barely talking to meth.

534
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:52,080
Speaker 1: How many years later, Don, it's been six months since

535
00:31:52,120 --> 00:31:59,080
Speaker 1: I Oh, wow this Wow? Yeah, congratulations. Yeah, I know

536
00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:03,920
Speaker 1: this isn't going to be easy. Well wow, congrats. Yeah.

537
00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 2: So, I don't know, It's just it was new. It

538
00:32:10,160 --> 00:32:14,120
Speaker 2: was scary. I thought that at twenty eight, nobody would

539
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:17,280
Speaker 2: want me anymore because you know, I'm in my late twenties.

540
00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,920
Speaker 2: I don't know, like I just thought I was so

541
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:27,360
Speaker 2: undeserving of being treated right. And I've rebuilt it, rebuilt

542
00:32:27,400 --> 00:32:28,640
Speaker 2: a new life for myself.

543
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,520
Speaker 1: Sue has a question, and I think she may have

544
00:32:31,560 --> 00:32:35,000
Speaker 1: a question for you. Good. Yeah, yes, I have a question.

545
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:40,720
Speaker 5: So I hear that for domestic violence victims, and I

546
00:32:40,760 --> 00:32:43,560
Speaker 5: don't know if you consider yourself that, but just missed

547
00:32:43,560 --> 00:32:44,120
Speaker 5: on the story.

548
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:48,160
Speaker 1: That's what it's giving. The hardest part is leaving.

549
00:32:48,520 --> 00:32:49,840
Speaker 5: I know that you said that you packed up your

550
00:32:49,880 --> 00:32:52,200
Speaker 5: shit and you're left, and you kind of breathe through that.

551
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,720
Speaker 1: If you would mind giving.

552
00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:58,640
Speaker 5: More detail on kind of like what it felt like

553
00:32:58,720 --> 00:33:02,760
Speaker 5: to leave, how he reacted when you left, and I

554
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:04,520
Speaker 5: know that there were kids involved, and if you were

555
00:33:04,520 --> 00:33:06,600
Speaker 5: close to the kids, and how it felt kind of

556
00:33:06,680 --> 00:33:09,840
Speaker 5: leaving them with that type of person, Like, if you

557
00:33:09,920 --> 00:33:11,120
Speaker 5: mind expanding on.

558
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:15,360
Speaker 1: How your mental state was when you were doing all

559
00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:15,640
Speaker 1: of that.

560
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:20,480
Speaker 2: Yeah, So when I was leaving and when I grabbed

561
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:24,240
Speaker 2: my shit and left, we were still I was still

562
00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 2: under the impression that we were going to get back

563
00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:30,520
Speaker 2: together because he was doing that reaching now and like, oh,

564
00:33:30,720 --> 00:33:35,120
Speaker 2: like I'm changing, things are going to change. The only

565
00:33:35,200 --> 00:33:38,440
Speaker 2: reason why I really left him alone was because one

566
00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:42,160
Speaker 2: day I went through his Apple watch, and since the

567
00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:44,960
Speaker 2: moment I left the house, he already was in a

568
00:33:45,000 --> 00:33:48,800
Speaker 2: new relationship with a whole new girl, bringing her to

569
00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:51,360
Speaker 2: the apartment when my stuff was still there, I hadn't

570
00:33:51,360 --> 00:33:57,480
Speaker 2: fully moved out, So I think because the because what

571
00:33:57,600 --> 00:34:00,880
Speaker 2: he did towards the end was so big, I had

572
00:34:00,920 --> 00:34:03,400
Speaker 2: to love myself enough to never go back.

573
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:09,400
Speaker 1: What things did you do at such a young age,

574
00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:16,440
Speaker 1: like to kind of love yourself more? Yeah, yeah, Like,

575
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 1: what were the things that you did to love yourself?

576
00:34:20,760 --> 00:34:24,040
Speaker 2: I went to the gym every day and that's a

577
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,480
Speaker 2: big one. Every day I went to the gym. I

578
00:34:26,520 --> 00:34:31,239
Speaker 2: still do it. I started reading more books, and I

579
00:34:31,360 --> 00:34:35,880
Speaker 2: also reached out to my friends because during this relationship,

580
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:39,960
Speaker 2: I didn't really hang out with anybody, So I had

581
00:34:39,960 --> 00:34:42,320
Speaker 2: to reach out to my friends and have that hard

582
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,879
Speaker 2: conversation of I was a bad friend. I forgot about

583
00:34:46,880 --> 00:34:51,480
Speaker 2: you guys, and I'm sorry, and I'm lucky enough that

584
00:34:51,520 --> 00:34:55,560
Speaker 2: they forgave me and we just you know, started all

585
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:56,839
Speaker 2: over again where we left off.

586
00:34:57,280 --> 00:35:04,600
Speaker 1: Wow, it's interesting just hearing not only the emotion that

587
00:35:04,640 --> 00:35:08,480
Speaker 1: you share, but knowing that I may be that friend.

588
00:35:08,520 --> 00:35:10,880
Speaker 1: I think I've talked about it before. I feel like

589
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:15,200
Speaker 1: I've lost a friend due to a relationship and they're

590
00:35:15,239 --> 00:35:19,640
Speaker 1: no longer in that relationship, and I'm I don't know

591
00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:23,319
Speaker 1: what they experienced daring it, you know, but a part

592
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:26,480
Speaker 1: of me feels like, yeah, bitch, you are a bad friend.

593
00:35:26,480 --> 00:35:28,359
Speaker 1: And I don't want to be friends with someone who

594
00:35:28,360 --> 00:35:30,920
Speaker 1: would leave me just because they're with a partner. Like

595
00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:34,120
Speaker 1: I think, yeah, you know what I mean. And so

596
00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:37,480
Speaker 1: it's interesting hearing that because I do think that. That's

597
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:41,440
Speaker 1: why I say, if you're in a relationship where it

598
00:35:41,560 --> 00:35:46,640
Speaker 1: feels isolating, that is a red flag that it is unhealthy.

599
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:50,040
Speaker 1: And I think Sue you mentioned that it sounded like

600
00:35:50,320 --> 00:35:53,960
Speaker 1: there could have been some domestic violence there. What I

601
00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:59,200
Speaker 1: also want to pinpoint is that abuse can lend itself

602
00:35:59,239 --> 00:36:03,960
Speaker 1: as being so psychological and emotional that the damage done

603
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:07,560
Speaker 1: there sometimes is way more than a bruise left on

604
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:12,320
Speaker 1: someone's body. And me and me and my good friend,

605
00:36:12,480 --> 00:36:14,680
Speaker 1: y'all know Carla has talked about being in a relationship

606
00:36:14,719 --> 00:36:17,960
Speaker 1: with a narcissist. I know I've been in a relationship

607
00:36:17,960 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 1: with one. And what it does to your body, your

608
00:36:22,239 --> 00:36:31,120
Speaker 1: nervous system, your self esteem, like is really really something

609
00:36:31,120 --> 00:36:33,440
Speaker 1: that we don't talk much about. And Connie, you're right,

610
00:36:33,800 --> 00:36:37,160
Speaker 1: domestic violence can be an emotional, can be emotional and psychological.

611
00:36:37,480 --> 00:36:41,600
Speaker 1: I think for me, when we talk about it on

612
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:46,160
Speaker 1: any platform really and in the public setting, we normally

613
00:36:46,239 --> 00:36:52,600
Speaker 1: assume DV to be physical. The same way when we

614
00:36:52,640 --> 00:36:56,960
Speaker 1: think of sexual assault, we think that to be physical,

615
00:36:57,040 --> 00:36:59,960
Speaker 1: even though it could be under the harassment umbrella where

616
00:37:00,200 --> 00:37:03,160
Speaker 1: it was verbally done to you or you know, there's

617
00:37:03,239 --> 00:37:08,360
Speaker 1: just so many other ways that we can experience these violations.

618
00:37:08,719 --> 00:37:12,719
Speaker 1: And I think that that's the dope part about not

619
00:37:12,760 --> 00:37:17,160
Speaker 1: only this book. But what this platforms provided is the

620
00:37:17,239 --> 00:37:23,000
Speaker 1: constant state of knowledge of words of experiences, because that's

621
00:37:23,000 --> 00:37:27,839
Speaker 1: how you know you're in something that isn't isn't good

622
00:37:28,600 --> 00:37:35,600
Speaker 1: And yes, so you're okay dv as everything violent, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, Yes,

623
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:38,520
Speaker 1: and then shout out to Kay as well. The nervous

624
00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:41,359
Speaker 1: system healing is the hardest part. I don't know if

625
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:45,279
Speaker 1: you guys remember when I broke up with my ex

626
00:37:45,360 --> 00:37:48,919
Speaker 1: that I also thought was my soulmate, dom you being

627
00:37:48,960 --> 00:37:53,120
Speaker 1: six months into this, I thought out of my three

628
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,399
Speaker 1: year relationship that I could kind of fuck the pain

629
00:37:55,480 --> 00:37:58,879
Speaker 1: away and just get back into being with things. And

630
00:37:59,400 --> 00:38:04,200
Speaker 1: it wasn't an until literally I found myself jumping and

631
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:07,719
Speaker 1: crying and not wanting to be touched. That I had

632
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:11,040
Speaker 1: to completely like, that's why, you know, That's why I

633
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:13,960
Speaker 1: did the celibacy last year. It's why I kind of

634
00:38:13,960 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 1: removed liquor for a little bit. There was so much

635
00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 1: in terms of what healing looked like for me that

636
00:38:19,200 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 1: I had to reconnect literally to myself. My nervous system

637
00:38:23,239 --> 00:38:28,799
Speaker 1: was shocked, so Dom the gym is gonna help. But

638
00:38:29,160 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 1: there's other elements, like in terms of getting back to

639
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:35,040
Speaker 1: a healthy space where I could allow a man to

640
00:38:35,120 --> 00:38:38,080
Speaker 1: even touch me again, or be in the same space

641
00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:41,480
Speaker 1: like I remember just being around a guy and I

642
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:44,080
Speaker 1: think he just wanted to debate, but the way he

643
00:38:44,200 --> 00:38:48,439
Speaker 1: spoke to me triggered me to how my ex would

644
00:38:48,440 --> 00:38:53,080
Speaker 1: talk and it just immediately shut me down. And your

645
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 1: nervous system, girl, it'll cause you to have to get

646
00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:02,040
Speaker 1: sick more often. If you get cold sores, you'll break

647
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,880
Speaker 1: out more often, if your hair not healthy, if you

648
00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:07,520
Speaker 1: ain't been taking your boten or your hair will thin,

649
00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,640
Speaker 1: your skin will break out. And I don't think that

650
00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,440
Speaker 1: none of this is really spoken about often in terms

651
00:39:14,440 --> 00:39:17,880
Speaker 1: of what an unhealthy relationship can do, whether you're in

652
00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:20,600
Speaker 1: it or when you leave, But it literally has an

653
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:25,279
Speaker 1: effect on your entire like physical profile and how you

654
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,680
Speaker 1: go about your day to day. So dom outside of

655
00:39:27,719 --> 00:39:31,279
Speaker 1: the gym, whether it's therapy, the books, all the things

656
00:39:31,280 --> 00:39:36,560
Speaker 1: you're taking. Definitely dose up on your vitamins and get

657
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:39,919
Speaker 1: back to really treating like yourself to where you don't

658
00:39:39,920 --> 00:39:42,880
Speaker 1: even realize you got PTSD until you get triggered. Yeah,

659
00:39:43,160 --> 00:39:45,680
Speaker 1: so you know, good luck on that. Don Thank you

660
00:39:45,719 --> 00:39:48,400
Speaker 1: so much for sharing your story, Connie. You have something

661
00:39:48,400 --> 00:39:50,160
Speaker 1: to add before we continue.

662
00:39:51,440 --> 00:39:57,880
Speaker 4: Yes, because she's shared about the strength to weak, So

663
00:39:57,920 --> 00:40:01,040
Speaker 4: I want to commend you could not is not easy.

664
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:04,600
Speaker 4: It took me, I would say, maybe two years after

665
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:06,839
Speaker 4: I knew that we should have been broken up, and

666
00:40:07,000 --> 00:40:10,960
Speaker 4: I finally when I finally did it, we had just

667
00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:14,800
Speaker 4: renewed our leaves, but I basically told him, like, we

668
00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:18,279
Speaker 4: can't be together, we need to stay apart, and I

669
00:40:18,320 --> 00:40:21,120
Speaker 4: got the silent treatment for two weeks and we were

670
00:40:21,120 --> 00:40:25,480
Speaker 4: still living together, and then we were able to It

671
00:40:25,600 --> 00:40:28,799
Speaker 4: was almost like passing notes, like he would write in

672
00:40:28,840 --> 00:40:31,719
Speaker 4: a journal and then I would respond back because it

673
00:40:31,800 --> 00:40:35,440
Speaker 4: was the only way he was communicating with me. Thankfully,

674
00:40:35,440 --> 00:40:39,440
Speaker 4: I had started therapy like two months prior. This was

675
00:40:39,520 --> 00:40:42,000
Speaker 4: last April that I started therapy, and it was in

676
00:40:42,080 --> 00:40:45,560
Speaker 4: June that we broke up, and when we finally moved

677
00:40:45,640 --> 00:40:49,160
Speaker 4: out in July. The day that we were moving out,

678
00:40:49,560 --> 00:40:53,400
Speaker 4: the night before, he had gotten arrested. And it wasn't

679
00:40:53,480 --> 00:40:57,880
Speaker 4: until like reading this book, Mandy, that I realized that

680
00:40:58,120 --> 00:41:02,840
Speaker 4: the way that that relationship ended is partially the similar

681
00:41:03,200 --> 00:41:06,480
Speaker 4: to how my parents' relationship ended. My dad had been

682
00:41:06,560 --> 00:41:10,759
Speaker 4: arrested for prostitution and possession, and my ex had been

683
00:41:10,880 --> 00:41:16,680
Speaker 4: arrested for solicitation and possession, and I was like, wow,

684
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:23,560
Speaker 4: that's really great history repeated itself. But after we moved out,

685
00:41:23,640 --> 00:41:27,719
Speaker 4: like I moved into essentially like a temporary situation, but

686
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:31,440
Speaker 4: sneaking my things out when I knew that we wanted

687
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:35,759
Speaker 4: to break up, was I think easy because I was

688
00:41:35,840 --> 00:41:39,200
Speaker 4: able to like cry to myself and cope with the

689
00:41:39,239 --> 00:41:42,880
Speaker 4: fact that I was ending this relationship, that I'm literally

690
00:41:43,080 --> 00:41:46,479
Speaker 4: hiding shit in a storage unit and so that's time

691
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:46,960
Speaker 4: to leave.

692
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:52,960
Speaker 1: Yeah, I want to ask you, Connie, because I had

693
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:56,320
Speaker 1: a different experience, which is why I felt so blind

694
00:41:56,600 --> 00:41:59,920
Speaker 1: in dating as an adult. I felt like I was

695
00:42:00,080 --> 00:42:05,160
Speaker 1: seeking to do everything opposite of what I saw my

696
00:42:05,360 --> 00:42:09,719
Speaker 1: mom do in terms of dating. But for you to

697
00:42:11,160 --> 00:42:15,160
Speaker 1: have a relationship end the same way, did you not

698
00:42:15,360 --> 00:42:18,560
Speaker 1: pick up on any red flags or anything from your

699
00:42:18,680 --> 00:42:22,360
Speaker 1: childhood that you saw in your present relationship early enough

700
00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:27,040
Speaker 1: to catch that? Like, only because I'm curious.

701
00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:31,840
Speaker 4: With my parents. They divorced when I was going into

702
00:42:32,880 --> 00:42:35,839
Speaker 4: ninth grade, No, eighth grade, when I was going into

703
00:42:35,880 --> 00:42:38,400
Speaker 4: eighth grade, So I was like thirteen or fourteen, Okay,

704
00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:42,319
Speaker 4: So for the majority of my early teen formerable years

705
00:42:42,400 --> 00:42:45,799
Speaker 4: or whatever, they call it. I had a two parent household,

706
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:50,880
Speaker 4: but I noticed after my dad's mom passed, so my

707
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,399
Speaker 4: entire seventh grade year, he was in a depression. As

708
00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:55,239
Speaker 4: an adult, I can understand that it was in a

709
00:42:55,280 --> 00:43:00,239
Speaker 4: depression and not him being like lazy, but I just

710
00:43:00,320 --> 00:43:02,840
Speaker 4: kind of almost like block that out of my mind

711
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:07,759
Speaker 4: because my mom was She was just like not she

712
00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:10,120
Speaker 4: never shit on my dad. She never like talked bad

713
00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:12,800
Speaker 4: about him. But I could see that there were areas

714
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,759
Speaker 4: where there were struggles because of the lack of having

715
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:20,040
Speaker 4: another parent in the house. And so I almost went

716
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:24,520
Speaker 4: into like a super daughter mode where I was just like,

717
00:43:24,560 --> 00:43:26,560
Speaker 4: whatever mom means, I'll take care of it. So I

718
00:43:26,640 --> 00:43:30,719
Speaker 4: didn't ever really process like what their separation looked like.

719
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:34,920
Speaker 4: And through therapy over the over a year therapy, I

720
00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 4: was able to connect those dots. And it wasn't until

721
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:42,440
Speaker 4: literally last year, at thirty eight years old, that I

722
00:43:42,560 --> 00:43:47,239
Speaker 4: like recognized all these things that I literally overlooked and

723
00:43:47,280 --> 00:43:48,799
Speaker 4: I was just like, oh, I just felt that that

724
00:43:48,920 --> 00:43:51,360
Speaker 4: was like a human flaw. Oh, I thought that was

725
00:43:51,400 --> 00:43:54,640
Speaker 4: a human flaw. So where there were clear red flags,

726
00:43:54,640 --> 00:43:57,240
Speaker 4: I was like, no, it's it's okay. Like I always

727
00:43:57,239 --> 00:43:59,359
Speaker 4: found a way to justify. I always found a way

728
00:43:59,360 --> 00:44:04,080
Speaker 4: to make excuse the isolation. The walking on eggshells was

729
00:44:04,120 --> 00:44:07,279
Speaker 4: a constant and I'm like, oh shit, this is what

730
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:09,920
Speaker 4: my mom was dealing with When my dad was like

731
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:12,160
Speaker 4: not picking us up from school or whatever. She was

732
00:44:12,200 --> 00:44:13,960
Speaker 4: just like, I'm just not going to start an argument

733
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,080
Speaker 4: because I don't want the girls to see it. So

734
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:19,160
Speaker 4: things were just constantly swept under the rug. I mimic

735
00:44:19,239 --> 00:44:20,359
Speaker 4: those sane behaviors.

736
00:44:21,040 --> 00:44:23,839
Speaker 1: So yeah, I think I think I.

737
00:44:23,760 --> 00:44:26,200
Speaker 4: Didn't have the process, and.

738
00:44:26,160 --> 00:44:29,239
Speaker 1: You're I know you're out of that relationship now. I

739
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 1: know Sue is out of that situationship dom congratulations for

740
00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:37,360
Speaker 1: being out as well. I think that's the part about

741
00:44:38,640 --> 00:44:43,640
Speaker 1: I guess evolving in terms of self care, self love,

742
00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:49,600
Speaker 1: sexual liberation, and finding pleasure again with the species that

743
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:55,200
Speaker 1: does you wrong the first time. Right, it definitely looks

744
00:44:55,320 --> 00:44:59,600
Speaker 1: like figuring out how you can show up differently to

745
00:44:59,680 --> 00:45:02,520
Speaker 1: not make the same mistake. And I think for so

746
00:45:02,680 --> 00:45:07,160
Speaker 1: many of us, as we're dating, we have types. As

747
00:45:07,200 --> 00:45:10,239
Speaker 1: we're dating, we're looking for the things that feel familiar,

748
00:45:10,760 --> 00:45:13,400
Speaker 1: and unfortunately a lot of those things that feel familiar,

749
00:45:13,800 --> 00:45:18,160
Speaker 1: aren't healthy, are problematic, don't come from good people, and

750
00:45:18,239 --> 00:45:24,680
Speaker 1: so there has to be a moment where we reflect

751
00:45:24,760 --> 00:45:27,640
Speaker 1: on the things of why do I keep getting this

752
00:45:28,360 --> 00:45:31,160
Speaker 1: I'm attracted to something unhealthy? How do I stop being

753
00:45:31,160 --> 00:45:35,880
Speaker 1: attracted to this thing? JT wrote in the comments. I

754
00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:38,040
Speaker 1: think a big lesson Mandy taught me was not to

755
00:45:38,120 --> 00:45:40,520
Speaker 1: future fuck yourself. Y'all know I love that future fuck word.

756
00:45:41,000 --> 00:45:43,120
Speaker 1: Your mind can only be where your body is, which

757
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:46,200
Speaker 1: is present. I think being twenty nine, sometimes it's easy

758
00:45:46,239 --> 00:45:49,960
Speaker 1: to believe that if you're single, you that you have

759
00:45:50,120 --> 00:45:53,520
Speaker 1: to just settle for who's available to you and force

760
00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:56,560
Speaker 1: bounds to avoid loneliness. But don't let your mind allow

761
00:45:56,600 --> 00:46:00,120
Speaker 1: you to believe that's true. Find your tribe, nurture friendships, etc.

762
00:46:00,880 --> 00:46:03,200
Speaker 1: Everything will come as long as you believe that it will.

763
00:46:04,120 --> 00:46:06,759
Speaker 1: I want to tell all of you bitches in your

764
00:46:06,800 --> 00:46:13,800
Speaker 1: twenties to calm the fuck down, baby, you will only

765
00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:18,320
Speaker 1: get better, bitch. Beyonce forty, Halle Berry fifty three, like baby,

766
00:46:18,480 --> 00:46:21,279
Speaker 1: do y'all see the women's out here right now? Like

767
00:46:22,400 --> 00:46:24,840
Speaker 1: and I didn't know that the younger generation was still

768
00:46:24,880 --> 00:46:28,880
Speaker 1: on this, like ohming, and we're getting old bitch. Thirties

769
00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,000
Speaker 1: is the new twenties now, I didn't know if maybe

770
00:46:31,040 --> 00:46:32,680
Speaker 1: just thirty year olds was out here just saying that

771
00:46:32,719 --> 00:46:35,759
Speaker 1: to make us feel better. But baby, it literally only

772
00:46:35,760 --> 00:46:38,719
Speaker 1: gets better. You're able to communicate better about what you

773
00:46:38,840 --> 00:46:41,279
Speaker 1: like in the bedroom, you have more money, you have

774
00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:43,840
Speaker 1: your own place, you don't have to deal with fucking roommates,

775
00:46:43,960 --> 00:46:46,480
Speaker 1: you don't like There's just so many things that come

776
00:46:46,520 --> 00:46:50,160
Speaker 1: better in your thirties. I wish that we were more

777
00:46:50,200 --> 00:46:53,160
Speaker 1: excited to reach our thirties because guess what your twenties

778
00:46:53,239 --> 00:46:57,960
Speaker 1: is absolutely the fucking ghetto. And what's crazy is you

779
00:46:58,120 --> 00:47:00,759
Speaker 1: think you know everything. You think you're gonna find your

780
00:47:00,800 --> 00:47:03,319
Speaker 1: soul mate, You think you know how to suck dick,

781
00:47:03,600 --> 00:47:06,560
Speaker 1: You think you know what a good partner is. Baby,

782
00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:11,480
Speaker 1: you don't. Okay, Like I wish we weren't so hype

783
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:13,879
Speaker 1: about getting to our twenties and thinking that we had

784
00:47:13,880 --> 00:47:17,600
Speaker 1: to figure it out. Then if you can see you're

785
00:47:17,600 --> 00:47:20,200
Speaker 1: in a community of bitch is in ay thirty still

786
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:23,200
Speaker 1: trying to figure it out. Girl, You're like, you're still

787
00:47:23,200 --> 00:47:25,399
Speaker 1: gonna be trying to figure it out probably five ten

788
00:47:25,480 --> 00:47:29,120
Speaker 1: years from now. So just just deal with the fact

789
00:47:29,160 --> 00:47:32,520
Speaker 1: that we're learning this together, that aliens are not here yet.

790
00:47:33,040 --> 00:47:37,360
Speaker 1: The robots are, but that's gonna be expensive. They're gonna

791
00:47:37,600 --> 00:47:40,319
Speaker 1: they're gonna be quite expensive until we can get them

792
00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:42,560
Speaker 1: for an affordable rate to where we can make them

793
00:47:42,560 --> 00:47:44,920
Speaker 1: look like Jason Momoa with big dicks to fuck us

794
00:47:44,920 --> 00:47:47,400
Speaker 1: and clean the house and do everything we want. But

795
00:47:48,520 --> 00:47:51,400
Speaker 1: for the moment, we have to deal with the human

796
00:47:51,400 --> 00:47:54,040
Speaker 1: guys that are here, and Tim, this is no slight

797
00:47:54,120 --> 00:47:58,239
Speaker 1: to you. God damn, it's fucking rough out here. And

798
00:47:58,280 --> 00:48:02,359
Speaker 1: then do you know what's rougher women? That's why I'm

799
00:48:02,400 --> 00:48:06,000
Speaker 1: not lesbian. So this is what we have to choose

800
00:48:06,080 --> 00:48:13,439
Speaker 1: from because everything else is illegal. So let's figure out

801
00:48:13,600 --> 00:48:17,920
Speaker 1: how we could get through this. I am surely missing

802
00:48:18,000 --> 00:48:23,000
Speaker 1: out on so many of y'all's talks in the chat. Also,

803
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:30,880
Speaker 1: Connie and everybody listening. Don't you dare send me Jason

804
00:48:30,880 --> 00:48:34,600
Speaker 1: Momo without a beard again because I don't want to

805
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:38,799
Speaker 1: see it. And also, beards grow back fast. This is

806
00:48:39,000 --> 00:48:43,360
Speaker 1: it's probably for a role, which means he's getting money

807
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:47,000
Speaker 1: for it, which means the beard is coming back.

808
00:48:47,480 --> 00:48:50,160
Speaker 4: He's so many He's doing it for Dune, the next

809
00:48:50,239 --> 00:48:50,840
Speaker 4: Dune movie.

810
00:48:50,960 --> 00:48:53,600
Speaker 1: Dune sounds right, because Dune sounds like some racist shit.

811
00:48:54,160 --> 00:48:57,520
Speaker 1: Dune sounds like some krack of ass. I gotta be

812
00:48:57,560 --> 00:49:00,840
Speaker 1: in the middle of nowhere ass movie because black people

813
00:49:00,840 --> 00:49:03,080
Speaker 1: don't go to dunes. What the fuck is the Dune.

814
00:49:04,600 --> 00:49:06,760
Speaker 4: Movie that's out like in the sand and stuff.

815
00:49:07,000 --> 00:49:09,319
Speaker 1: It's like exactly doom Bugget. That's why I said, doing

816
00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:12,960
Speaker 1: bugget bitch. Yeah, maybe he had to look like an

817
00:49:13,040 --> 00:49:15,600
Speaker 1: alien and stuff. I didn't like that, all right. Dasa

818
00:49:16,160 --> 00:49:17,759
Speaker 1: has her hand rates talked to me.

819
00:49:23,840 --> 00:49:27,480
Speaker 6: Okay, yeah, so I hear what you guys are saying

820
00:49:27,600 --> 00:49:33,319
Speaker 6: about how everything gets better when you're thirty, but I feel.

821
00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:35,759
Speaker 1: Like the boat was coming. Hold off. You had to

822
00:49:35,800 --> 00:49:39,160
Speaker 1: pause after that. Back she said, I heard you, but

823
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:40,520
Speaker 1: go ahead.

824
00:49:40,960 --> 00:49:44,600
Speaker 6: I think it's I think because I think the generation

825
00:49:44,680 --> 00:49:46,239
Speaker 6: I grew with, which is I think the end of

826
00:49:46,239 --> 00:49:50,560
Speaker 6: the millennial. It's been so instilled in my head that

827
00:49:50,760 --> 00:49:54,839
Speaker 6: like all these expectations you're supposed to have accomplished by

828
00:49:54,840 --> 00:49:58,120
Speaker 6: your twenties. So how do I get that out of

829
00:49:58,160 --> 00:50:00,760
Speaker 6: my head? Because I grew up during a time where

830
00:50:01,600 --> 00:50:04,439
Speaker 6: go to college, get the white picket fence, you'll get

831
00:50:04,480 --> 00:50:08,600
Speaker 6: that dream job, and that didn't happen. Like I finished

832
00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:11,879
Speaker 6: college during COVID and that was like something like as

833
00:50:11,960 --> 00:50:14,840
Speaker 6: far away as it's been since COVID, I say, I

834
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:18,359
Speaker 6: feel like it still affects everybody to this day. So

835
00:50:18,560 --> 00:50:21,440
Speaker 6: I'm just wondering, how do I get out of that mentality?

836
00:50:22,040 --> 00:50:23,640
Speaker 4: You get to start brand new.

837
00:50:24,239 --> 00:50:28,400
Speaker 1: I was gonna say that start zero. Like literally people

838
00:50:29,160 --> 00:50:31,440
Speaker 1: used to be like, oh my god, I'm felling you

839
00:50:31,480 --> 00:50:34,360
Speaker 1: on my record, I'll never get a job, but you

840
00:50:34,400 --> 00:50:37,920
Speaker 1: could be a fella now and become the president. So like,

841
00:50:38,239 --> 00:50:42,080
Speaker 1: I think that we're in a place where you gotta

842
00:50:42,160 --> 00:50:44,799
Speaker 1: realize too. If you just look at the charts, do

843
00:50:44,840 --> 00:50:46,399
Speaker 1: you want to get out of your head. I'm gonna

844
00:50:46,400 --> 00:50:49,560
Speaker 1: tell you what I do, and I know my algorithm

845
00:50:49,640 --> 00:50:52,440
Speaker 1: see what I'm doing. So it's just reassuring me because

846
00:50:52,440 --> 00:50:55,680
Speaker 1: that's what an algorithm is supposed to do. So there's

847
00:50:55,840 --> 00:51:00,359
Speaker 1: so many charts and graphs that are now explaining and

848
00:51:00,440 --> 00:51:05,040
Speaker 1: expressing how in the nineteen seventies, this was the median

849
00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:09,000
Speaker 1: average income, this is what a house costs, and this

850
00:51:09,080 --> 00:51:12,759
Speaker 1: is you know, how they were able to purchase a home.

851
00:51:13,640 --> 00:51:18,560
Speaker 1: Maybe inflation the economy, US having to literally live through

852
00:51:19,719 --> 00:51:23,080
Speaker 1: a pandemic has called for.

853
00:51:24,480 --> 00:51:24,560
Speaker 7: This.

854
00:51:25,000 --> 00:51:28,319
Speaker 1: We're almost in a literally NWL baby new world order,

855
00:51:28,880 --> 00:51:32,160
Speaker 1: Like what the American dream once looked like, which what

856
00:51:32,280 --> 00:51:37,160
Speaker 1: we're also seeing was possibly fed to us by the

857
00:51:37,200 --> 00:51:43,800
Speaker 1: government and mainly also kept our community black and brown

858
00:51:43,880 --> 00:51:47,080
Speaker 1: people in a certain economic state and was able to

859
00:51:47,160 --> 00:51:50,480
Speaker 1: advance the whites. Like from an educational standpoint, from an

860
00:51:50,520 --> 00:51:54,799
Speaker 1: economic standpoint, the American dream was a croc of shit.

861
00:51:56,320 --> 00:51:59,319
Speaker 1: It's not real. And so I think what you have

862
00:51:59,400 --> 00:52:01,880
Speaker 1: to do as someone on the tail end of the

863
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:05,520
Speaker 1: millennial space where you're trying to figure out where you're

864
00:52:05,520 --> 00:52:07,879
Speaker 1: probably left with student debt like a lot of us,

865
00:52:08,160 --> 00:52:11,520
Speaker 1: where you're trying to navigate being someone who could have

866
00:52:11,600 --> 00:52:14,919
Speaker 1: a C suite level position or not. I think it's

867
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:19,040
Speaker 1: really it's really where you have to sit with yourself

868
00:52:19,360 --> 00:52:22,880
Speaker 1: and be like, Teja, what do you want out of

869
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:25,640
Speaker 1: this life. I think that's why I felt so powerful

870
00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:28,919
Speaker 1: having both these niggas show up to Macabana, because maybe

871
00:52:28,920 --> 00:52:30,400
Speaker 1: I want to make more money to just buy a

872
00:52:30,400 --> 00:52:32,600
Speaker 1: bottle at the table. Let me get a bottle at

873
00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:34,520
Speaker 1: the club, have all my niggas there and we have

874
00:52:34,560 --> 00:52:37,680
Speaker 1: a good time. Let me be able to travel to

875
00:52:37,719 --> 00:52:40,439
Speaker 1: the south of France and eat my s car gut

876
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:44,440
Speaker 1: and sip on my apparol sprits. Like, for me, what

877
00:52:44,480 --> 00:52:48,360
Speaker 1: the American dream looks like now as a woman is

878
00:52:48,400 --> 00:52:51,439
Speaker 1: literally being able to do whatever the fuck I want

879
00:52:51,480 --> 00:52:56,560
Speaker 1: to do. So this idea of removing the notion that

880
00:52:56,960 --> 00:52:59,560
Speaker 1: I'm here to be a mom, removing the notion that

881
00:52:59,600 --> 00:53:02,319
Speaker 1: I'm here to be somebody's fucking wife, removing the notion

882
00:53:02,719 --> 00:53:05,800
Speaker 1: that the best traits of me is how I cook

883
00:53:05,880 --> 00:53:09,520
Speaker 1: and clean. That's where you started. I think leaning into

884
00:53:10,040 --> 00:53:14,000
Speaker 1: patriarch versus matriarch throughout the book as well, was that

885
00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:16,600
Speaker 1: that's how you get out of that mindset deja. You

886
00:53:16,680 --> 00:53:19,520
Speaker 1: create the life that you want to live that women

887
00:53:19,600 --> 00:53:25,920
Speaker 1: before us didn't have the opportunity to do, you know,

888
00:53:26,200 --> 00:53:30,080
Speaker 1: So to me, that's that would be my advice to you.

889
00:53:30,480 --> 00:53:36,840
Speaker 1: Connie in the chat is saying to create a vision board.

890
00:53:37,280 --> 00:53:41,120
Speaker 1: I think that's the thing desa mind you because the

891
00:53:41,160 --> 00:53:44,759
Speaker 1: government is a fucking sham. They're even trying to take

892
00:53:44,800 --> 00:53:48,920
Speaker 1: away the value of a bachelor's degree. There's people with

893
00:53:49,080 --> 00:53:52,719
Speaker 1: masters and doctorates that can't get jobs right now, Like, like,

894
00:53:53,239 --> 00:53:55,399
Speaker 1: none of those pieces of paper that we thought meant

895
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:59,279
Speaker 1: something meant anything. Girl, I've been paying into Social Security

896
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:03,759
Speaker 1: that I probably ain't even gonna get like, we have

897
00:54:03,880 --> 00:54:07,040
Speaker 1: to start realizing that whatever they told us the world

898
00:54:07,280 --> 00:54:10,640
Speaker 1: was was a lie. Bitch. We grew up. They know aliens, Bitch,

899
00:54:10,680 --> 00:54:18,279
Speaker 1: Now there's aliens Area fifty one, Bitch, Like like we

900
00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:21,839
Speaker 1: have cars driving on the roads without people in them.

901
00:54:22,200 --> 00:54:25,239
Speaker 1: Like you have to like literally be able to shake

902
00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:32,480
Speaker 1: your mind into the world, the metaverse, the similation that

903
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:35,120
Speaker 1: we are a part of. We are here for a

904
00:54:35,120 --> 00:54:38,959
Speaker 1: good time, not a long time. And so whatever life

905
00:54:39,040 --> 00:54:42,120
Speaker 1: looks like to you is how you have to shape

906
00:54:42,160 --> 00:54:46,799
Speaker 1: your life moving forward, because it's not leaning into this

907
00:54:47,760 --> 00:54:54,600
Speaker 1: patriarchal boxes to check off that automatically will mean you

908
00:54:54,640 --> 00:54:58,400
Speaker 1: have a life fulfilled. That white pick of fence won't

909
00:54:58,440 --> 00:55:02,279
Speaker 1: mean you're gonna be happy. The kids, the husband, the

910
00:55:02,320 --> 00:55:04,960
Speaker 1: little Golden Retriever. I don't know why they tried to

911
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:09,040
Speaker 1: make the Golden Retriever elite, but the big ass Golden Retriever, Nigga,

912
00:55:09,080 --> 00:55:12,320
Speaker 1: that's a whole nother kid. They was not here shouting

913
00:55:12,360 --> 00:55:15,200
Speaker 1: at the toy poodles, Bitch. They wanted us to take

914
00:55:15,239 --> 00:55:17,840
Speaker 1: care of a goddamn ninety pound fucking go to retriever.

915
00:55:19,360 --> 00:55:22,680
Speaker 1: That was when the economy was good. If Eggs is

916
00:55:22,719 --> 00:55:25,440
Speaker 1: thirty seven dollars food defeat a golden retriever gotta be

917
00:55:25,440 --> 00:55:31,759
Speaker 1: about thirty thirty eight hundred. So to me, that's what

918
00:55:31,800 --> 00:55:35,120
Speaker 1: it looks like. It literally looks like finding what makes

919
00:55:35,160 --> 00:55:38,160
Speaker 1: you happy and then doing everything you can to achieve

920
00:55:38,200 --> 00:55:40,000
Speaker 1: those things.

921
00:55:40,560 --> 00:55:41,480
Speaker 6: Okay, thank you.

922
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:43,960
Speaker 1: That was a long spill, But I felt like I

923
00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:47,839
Speaker 1: was preaching, baby. I felt like I was in the

924
00:55:47,880 --> 00:55:52,800
Speaker 1: pool bit. Y'all know, in my mind, I'm a black

925
00:55:53,040 --> 00:55:55,840
Speaker 1: pastor at heart, but a gay one because I like

926
00:55:56,080 --> 00:55:58,200
Speaker 1: I lived my life as a gay man. So I

927
00:55:58,239 --> 00:56:00,560
Speaker 1: don't know, but these are all the things I like

928
00:56:00,640 --> 00:56:06,440
Speaker 1: to say that we do only have about seven minutes left.

929
00:56:07,120 --> 00:56:15,280
Speaker 1: By the way, y'all listens, I'm a black, gay pastor

930
00:56:15,840 --> 00:56:18,239
Speaker 1: that used to play in the NBA. That is the

931
00:56:18,280 --> 00:56:25,120
Speaker 1: type of life that I'm living right now. You know

932
00:56:25,120 --> 00:56:28,040
Speaker 1: what I mean. Well, we do have about seven minutes left.

933
00:56:28,080 --> 00:56:31,360
Speaker 1: So I do want to allow anyone here to ask

934
00:56:31,480 --> 00:56:38,040
Speaker 1: questions from any part of the book and let me

935
00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:43,799
Speaker 1: know your thoughts, your concerns, what you liked, what you

936
00:56:44,000 --> 00:56:52,839
Speaker 1: didn't like. Oh, by the way, however, guess what I

937
00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:56,000
Speaker 1: just found, Because to bitch, I love a Google drive.

938
00:56:56,800 --> 00:57:00,160
Speaker 1: I found my letter to myself so I will let

939
00:57:00,239 --> 00:57:00,760
Speaker 1: you know.

940
00:57:02,600 --> 00:57:02,680
Speaker 4: What.

941
00:57:02,880 --> 00:57:07,440
Speaker 1: The first version of my letter to myself in the

942
00:57:07,480 --> 00:57:12,120
Speaker 1: power portion of this book was the post to read

943
00:57:12,400 --> 00:57:15,200
Speaker 1: like mind you. At the end, I said, what are

944
00:57:15,239 --> 00:57:18,120
Speaker 1: your thoughts of adding affirmations? Do you think it's necessary?

945
00:57:18,480 --> 00:57:22,440
Speaker 1: Clearly I ended up adding affirmations into another part of

946
00:57:22,480 --> 00:57:25,960
Speaker 1: the book, But this was the letter that I would

947
00:57:25,960 --> 00:57:28,800
Speaker 1: have written to myself that did not make the book.

948
00:57:29,480 --> 00:57:34,920
Speaker 1: But here we go, dear self, as you reflect on

949
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,840
Speaker 1: the winding path of finding yourself within all of your

950
00:57:37,960 --> 00:57:43,600
Speaker 1: interpersonal relationships and sexual escapades, there's a gentle wisdom that

951
00:57:43,640 --> 00:57:48,720
Speaker 1: whispers within, a voice of forgiveness and understanding, guiding you

952
00:57:48,840 --> 00:57:52,680
Speaker 1: through all of your experiences, even the fucked up ones.

953
00:57:53,800 --> 00:57:59,400
Speaker 1: You've weathered storms of poor decisions, navigated treacherous waters with resilience,

954
00:58:00,080 --> 00:58:04,000
Speaker 1: and emerge on the shores of self discovery. You've allowed

955
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:07,200
Speaker 1: yourself the grace. Oh yeah, I use that word to

956
00:58:07,240 --> 00:58:10,360
Speaker 1: pick yourself up from the stumbles, grieve the loss of

957
00:58:10,400 --> 00:58:13,400
Speaker 1: the person you once were proud to be, and gain

958
00:58:13,480 --> 00:58:17,160
Speaker 1: the knowledge of how to navigate this place called Earth

959
00:58:17,840 --> 00:58:22,200
Speaker 1: aka Hell. It's easy to place the blame on someone

960
00:58:22,440 --> 00:58:26,200
Speaker 1: or something else. It's easy to not take the accountability

961
00:58:26,520 --> 00:58:28,840
Speaker 1: of how you may have been a key part to

962
00:58:28,920 --> 00:58:32,840
Speaker 1: the frustrations that existed within moments of your life. It's

963
00:58:33,040 --> 00:58:36,440
Speaker 1: easy to play the victim, but you know what's not

964
00:58:36,600 --> 00:58:41,400
Speaker 1: easy life. It's crucial not to assign blame to external

965
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:45,360
Speaker 1: forces or past experiences, but rather to embrace the power

966
00:58:45,680 --> 00:58:50,680
Speaker 1: of self, self awareness, and personal agency. By acknowledging and

967
00:58:50,800 --> 00:58:54,480
Speaker 1: rising above the traumas and shortcomings of both your childhood

968
00:58:54,560 --> 00:58:58,200
Speaker 1: and past, you get to reclaim the narrative of your life.

969
00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:03,480
Speaker 1: These experiences do not define your worth or potential. Instead

970
00:59:03,520 --> 00:59:07,320
Speaker 1: they serve Instead, they serve as stepping stones on the

971
00:59:07,360 --> 00:59:12,520
Speaker 1: path to self discovery and empowerment. Embrace your journey with

972
00:59:12,560 --> 00:59:16,320
Speaker 1: a sense of purpose and reflection, understanding that your resilience

973
00:59:16,400 --> 00:59:20,200
Speaker 1: and strength can shape a future filled with unlimited possibility

974
00:59:20,320 --> 00:59:26,480
Speaker 1: and growth. Bitch is tattooed on your hand. Definition of

975
00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:32,280
Speaker 1: insanity Albert Einstein's definition of insanity is doing the same

976
00:59:32,360 --> 00:59:37,760
Speaker 1: thing over and over expecting a different result. Forgiveness is

977
00:59:37,800 --> 00:59:41,320
Speaker 1: a gift you give upon yourself, a beacon of light

978
00:59:41,400 --> 00:59:45,960
Speaker 1: that illuminates the shadows of past mistakes. It is in

979
00:59:46,000 --> 00:59:49,800
Speaker 1: these moments, however, a reflection, that you find solace in

980
00:59:49,880 --> 00:59:53,480
Speaker 1: knowing that growth springs forth from the seeds of understanding

981
00:59:54,640 --> 00:59:58,720
Speaker 1: the woman before you. The pioneers of sexual liberation face

982
00:59:58,800 --> 01:00:03,160
Speaker 1: their own trials and tribula, and they shattered societal norms,

983
01:00:03,520 --> 01:00:06,400
Speaker 1: challenged conventions, and carved out spaces for themselves in a

984
01:00:06,440 --> 01:00:10,720
Speaker 1: world that sought to confine them. Your ancestors, though living

985
01:00:10,760 --> 01:00:14,480
Speaker 1: centries ahead of you, navigated the same issues within themselves

986
01:00:14,520 --> 01:00:19,280
Speaker 1: and relationships with some crueler stipulations. Your elders, like your

987
01:00:19,280 --> 01:00:23,280
Speaker 1: mom and her mom and her mom, did the very

988
01:00:23,320 --> 01:00:27,880
Speaker 1: best that they could, like you're doing now. So take

989
01:00:27,960 --> 01:00:30,760
Speaker 1: pride in the woman you've become, for she's a testament

990
01:00:30,800 --> 01:00:33,560
Speaker 1: to your strength and your journey. Embrace the scars of

991
01:00:33,600 --> 01:00:37,040
Speaker 1: your past as badges of honor, reminders of battles fought

992
01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:40,560
Speaker 1: and lessons learned. You've weathered many storms and foul moments

993
01:00:40,560 --> 01:00:44,320
Speaker 1: of clarity. That's truly been your gift to learn from

994
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:46,919
Speaker 1: the mistakes you've made and to problem solve a way

995
01:00:46,960 --> 01:00:50,280
Speaker 1: to never find yourself in those same places again. So

996
01:00:50,360 --> 01:00:53,680
Speaker 1: celebrate the progress you've made, the hurdles you've surmounted, and

997
01:00:53,720 --> 01:00:57,040
Speaker 1: love and the love you've given yourself along the way.

998
01:00:57,560 --> 01:01:00,440
Speaker 1: As you gaze towards the horizon. Remember that the tohead

999
01:01:00,480 --> 01:01:04,080
Speaker 1: is still unfolding, calling you towards new adventures and new discoveries.

1000
01:01:05,320 --> 01:01:07,280
Speaker 1: I wanted to put new dicks and new pussies there,

1001
01:01:07,320 --> 01:01:10,800
Speaker 1: but that was crossed out. Just so you know. In

1002
01:01:10,840 --> 01:01:13,280
Speaker 1: this moment of reflection and gratitude, may you find peace

1003
01:01:13,320 --> 01:01:16,120
Speaker 1: in the knowledge that the past does not define you,

1004
01:01:16,440 --> 01:01:20,360
Speaker 1: but rather shapes the beautiful person of who you are becoming.

1005
01:01:20,960 --> 01:01:24,439
Speaker 1: I know, I know all of this is easier said

1006
01:01:24,480 --> 01:01:27,160
Speaker 1: than done, but think of it as the puzzles you

1007
01:01:27,320 --> 01:01:30,080
Speaker 1: use to love to put together with Granny. That's my

1008
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,960
Speaker 1: grandma who passed by the way. Your journey is like

1009
01:01:33,040 --> 01:01:36,360
Speaker 1: the thousand piece puzzle, where each piece represents a unique

1010
01:01:36,400 --> 01:01:41,200
Speaker 1: aspect of your being, including your sexuality, experiences, and personal growth.

1011
01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:45,680
Speaker 1: Just like fitting together the puzzle pieces requires patience, persistence,

1012
01:01:46,200 --> 01:01:50,080
Speaker 1: and an eye for detail sodas understanding and embracing your sexuality.

1013
01:01:50,840 --> 01:01:54,720
Speaker 1: Some pieces may be challenging to place, symbolizing the struggles

1014
01:01:54,760 --> 01:01:57,200
Speaker 1: that you face along the way with partners and understanding

1015
01:01:57,240 --> 01:02:00,600
Speaker 1: of your needs. However, is each piece falls right into

1016
01:02:00,640 --> 01:02:04,920
Speaker 1: its place, you unlock a clear picture of the extraordinary

1017
01:02:04,960 --> 01:02:10,080
Speaker 1: individual you are becoming and can be embrace the process, religion,

1018
01:02:10,120 --> 01:02:13,040
Speaker 1: the journey, and revel in the beauty of the intricate

1019
01:02:13,160 --> 01:02:19,760
Speaker 1: masterpiece that is your life with love Mandy B. So

1020
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:25,200
Speaker 1: that was what I like pin together to say to myself,

1021
01:02:27,120 --> 01:02:31,680
Speaker 1: and it didn't make the book. But in terms of

1022
01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:36,520
Speaker 1: writing this book, through the therapy, through my many of

1023
01:02:36,640 --> 01:02:40,960
Speaker 1: hours sitting with tempests, through the tears, through all the

1024
01:02:41,000 --> 01:02:44,680
Speaker 1: things that is, that was initially how the book would

1025
01:02:44,720 --> 01:02:47,720
Speaker 1: have ended. But I think we wanted to end the

1026
01:02:47,760 --> 01:02:51,560
Speaker 1: book speaking to you and not just to ourselves. I

1027
01:02:51,600 --> 01:02:55,400
Speaker 1: will possibly post that on both patreons. So thank you

1028
01:02:55,440 --> 01:02:59,760
Speaker 1: guys so very much for tuning in to this last

1029
01:03:00,200 --> 01:03:02,920
Speaker 1: installation of our book club. I want to thank you

1030
01:03:02,960 --> 01:03:05,560
Speaker 1: guys so very much. Thank you guys for supporting us.

1031
01:03:05,560 --> 01:03:08,000
Speaker 1: And if you haven't yet, make sure you cop No

1032
01:03:08,280 --> 01:03:12,960
Speaker 1: Holds Barred. By the way, if you're in Atlanta, August fourteenth,

1033
01:03:13,280 --> 01:03:17,560
Speaker 1: Barnes and Nobles, Buckhead eight to nine point thirty, we

1034
01:03:17,600 --> 01:03:21,400
Speaker 1: are doing something a little bit differently. Yes, we'll sign

1035
01:03:21,400 --> 01:03:25,000
Speaker 1: your goddamn books. We have a moderated conversation, but what

1036
01:03:25,040 --> 01:03:28,360
Speaker 1: it is is a celebration. So since we're not touring,

1037
01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:30,360
Speaker 1: y'all know the meet and greets used to come at

1038
01:03:30,400 --> 01:03:33,040
Speaker 1: a hafty price. This is your chance to not only

1039
01:03:33,080 --> 01:03:35,360
Speaker 1: meet and greet with us. It's an intimate space. I'm

1040
01:03:35,360 --> 01:03:36,720
Speaker 1: trying to see if they gonna let us have some

1041
01:03:36,760 --> 01:03:39,840
Speaker 1: liquors so we could do champagne tos. We're not touring,

1042
01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:42,800
Speaker 1: so i want y'all to celebrate with us in making

1043
01:03:42,800 --> 01:03:45,600
Speaker 1: New York Times bestseller and connecting with both of us.

1044
01:03:45,640 --> 01:03:49,000
Speaker 1: It will be both Weezy and I So for anyone

1045
01:03:49,040 --> 01:03:51,680
Speaker 1: who even came to the first one, the entry is

1046
01:03:51,800 --> 01:03:54,200
Speaker 1: just a book, but bring your old books. I'm also

1047
01:03:54,280 --> 01:03:57,200
Speaker 1: looking to see I'm looking to give any books that

1048
01:03:57,200 --> 01:04:01,240
Speaker 1: people do not want to the Women's Studies department over

1049
01:04:01,280 --> 01:04:03,960
Speaker 1: at Spelman. If you guys want to come, you'll be

1050
01:04:04,000 --> 01:04:07,480
Speaker 1: supporting either donating books to Spelman, but you'll be celebrating

1051
01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:10,720
Speaker 1: with us. It's gonna be recorded. I'm hoping y'all could

1052
01:04:10,760 --> 01:04:12,160
Speaker 1: drink with us, because y'all know I like a cute

1053
01:04:12,160 --> 01:04:15,080
Speaker 1: little drink. But it's gonna be intimate. We'll get the

1054
01:04:15,120 --> 01:04:17,720
Speaker 1: capacity because it is at the Barnes and Nobles and Buckhead,

1055
01:04:17,960 --> 01:04:22,400
Speaker 1: but it's eight pm because we know y'all bit got jobs.

1056
01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:25,520
Speaker 1: Eight pm to nine thirty on a Thursday, bitch. If

1057
01:04:25,560 --> 01:04:28,720
Speaker 1: I can sneak in pickleback shots, I will anyways. Guys,

1058
01:04:28,760 --> 01:04:31,479
Speaker 1: thank y'all so very much for tuning and we hope

1059
01:04:31,520 --> 01:04:36,200
Speaker 1: to see you all Jesus next week in Atlanta. Thank

1060
01:04:36,240 --> 01:04:37,080
Speaker 1: you guys so much.

1061
01:04:37,320 --> 01:04:37,680
Speaker 2: Bye.

1062
01:04:40,760 --> 01:04:44,120
Speaker 1: Selective Ignorance a production of the Black Effect podcast Network.

1063
01:04:44,280 --> 01:04:49,000
Speaker 1: For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

1064
01:04:49,120 --> 01:04:51,080
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

1065
01:04:51,200 --> 01:04:53,480
Speaker 7: Thanks for tuning in the Selective Ignorance of Mandy B.

1066
01:04:53,680 --> 01:04:56,640
Speaker 7: Selective Ignorance. It's executive produced to buy Mandy B. And

1067
01:04:56,680 --> 01:04:59,920
Speaker 7: it's a Full Court Media studio production with lead producers

1068
01:05:00,200 --> 01:05:01,160
Speaker 7: Jason Rodriguez.

1069
01:05:01,320 --> 01:05:02,640
Speaker 1: That's me and Aaron A.

1070
01:05:02,840 --> 01:05:03,480
Speaker 2: King Howard.

1071
01:05:03,520 --> 01:05:06,480
Speaker 7: Now, do us a favor and rate, subscribe, comment, and

1072
01:05:06,560 --> 01:05:09,680
Speaker 7: share wherever you get your favorite podcasts, and be sure

1073
01:05:09,680 --> 01:05:14,400
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