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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor dom here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space. Have let me

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Speaker 2: just tell you, there's like this whole hair journey. I

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Speaker 2: feel we have to do it. We have to do

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Speaker 2: an episode on hair, yes and weave because I growing up,

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Speaker 2: my mom used to always get me my sister's hair done.

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Speaker 2: We had, you know, we either were our natural hair

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Speaker 2: or we were a weave ever since we were little,

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Speaker 2: and that was just a thing. And so hair has

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Speaker 2: always been like this, this area of expression for me

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Speaker 2: where I can just express myself, take on different looks and.

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Speaker 3: Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women

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Speaker 3: like you. We're your hosts Doctor Dominique Brussard, a college

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Speaker 3: professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techie and a motivational speaker. In

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Speaker 2: a world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood,

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Speaker 2: Please join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything

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Speaker 2: from fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space

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Speaker 2: where black women can just be. All Right. So, I

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Speaker 2: have always been into pop culture. I am one of

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Speaker 2: those celebrity news junkies, So don't judge me, but I

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Speaker 2: want to talk a little bit about something that I

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Speaker 2: saw this week from one of my I would say

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Speaker 2: she used to be my favorite talk show host. Not

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Speaker 2: so much anymore, but I still tune into show because

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Speaker 2: it's full of juicy, juicy gossup. Okay, you already know,

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Speaker 2: so let me give you a breakdown down. Ready for breakdown?

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Speaker 2: All right? So basically here's what's happening. Right. So, Wendy Williams,

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Speaker 2: you know a VET in the industry. She is a

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Speaker 2: She was a radio talk show host. She used to

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Speaker 2: be on Power ninety nine and Philly. I used to

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Speaker 2: listen to her in high school and now she has

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Speaker 2: her own daytime talk show. She's cleaned it up a

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Speaker 2: lot since she's got on primetime TV. Because for obviously reasons. Right,

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Speaker 2: So this week she came out and said that she

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Speaker 2: has been living in a sober house, and there's a

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Speaker 2: lot of controversy around that. Right. There are some people

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Speaker 2: that are praising her, that are really proud of her

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Speaker 2: for coming out to share that. She didn't explicitly say

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Speaker 2: that she's relapsed, because she did have a cocaine addiction

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Speaker 2: in the past. She didn't come out and say that

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Speaker 2: she's using, but she did say that she's living in

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Speaker 2: the sober house so that she can, I guess, learn

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Speaker 2: about the experience of others. Because back in the day

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Speaker 2: when she stopped, I don't even know, do you smoke

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Speaker 2: or do you interest whatever she was doing with cocaine,

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Speaker 2: she stopped doing cocaine, I guess, and she just cold

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Speaker 2: turkey stopped. So she said she wanted to go back

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Speaker 2: into the sober house to learn more about other people's experience.

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Speaker 2: And she has this, you know, one hundred foundation, her

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Speaker 2: and her husband, and so people were praising her for that,

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Speaker 2: but other people were saying that she isn't being honest.

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Speaker 2: She isn't being truthful because there's a I want to say,

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Speaker 2: rumor that her husband is allegedly cheating on her and

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Speaker 2: got his mistress pregnant. And so people on the internets, Okay,

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Speaker 2: on the internets, they've been doing the research. They've been

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Speaker 2: pulled out receipts of the alleged house that her husband,

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Speaker 2: Kevin has bought with his mistress. And I know this

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Speaker 2: has turned into like a shade room pop culture episode,

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Speaker 2: but it's all We're gonna tie it all together. Okay,

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Speaker 2: it's all gonna make sense. But do you feel like

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Speaker 2: I've given you enough information about what's going on?

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Speaker 3: Don Yeah, there's a lot in that little bit that

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Speaker 3: you gave me. Yeah, And I think what immediately comes

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Speaker 3: up for me is a couple of things, the idea

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Speaker 3: of privacy, notions of vulnerability, and within all of that boundaries.

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Speaker 2: Now.

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Speaker 3: I know in the previous episode we talked about the

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Speaker 3: boundaries and how you respond if you feel like your

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Speaker 3: boundaries are being violated. I kind of want to flip

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Speaker 3: it and talk today about how not to be the

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Speaker 3: boundary violator and what it really looks like when we

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Speaker 3: might be unintentionally violating someone's boundaries. You ready to dive in.

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Speaker 2: I'm ready to dive in, yes, Because I'm a nosy

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Speaker 2: person and I feel like my intentions are well and

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Speaker 2: so is. This topic is a little bit of a

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Speaker 2: struggle for me. So let's dive in die all right.

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Speaker 3: So we're gonna start us. I'm gonna start us off

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Speaker 3: with our quote of the day. Our quote of the

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Speaker 3: day comes from none other than the Queen herself, not Beyonce,

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Speaker 3: but Aretha Franklin. Her quote and you all can say

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Speaker 3: it along with me. R E S P E c T.

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Speaker 3: Find out what it means to me for real, find

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Speaker 3: out what respect means to me. Respect that is the

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Speaker 3: key in terms of not being a boundary violator to

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Speaker 3: respect other people. Now, okay, what does that really look like? Though?

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Speaker 3: What does respect look like? Well, sometimes the easiest way

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Speaker 3: for us to kind of think about, like, well, what

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Speaker 3: does what does something look like? Is to identify what

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Speaker 3: it's not. So t I know you mentioned like your

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Speaker 3: nosy right now and.

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Speaker 2: Obnoxiously nosy, but I like to know that.

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Speaker 3: But see, here's the thing most of us like.

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Speaker 2: Exactly exactly we all know.

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Speaker 3: So like this whole thing with Wendy Williams, Like you mentioned,

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Speaker 3: you've been listening to Wendy You go you and Wendy

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Speaker 3: go back way.

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Speaker 2: Girl, right.

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Speaker 3: But when you were with your girls, right, you'll day.

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Speaker 2: Once they once.

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Speaker 3: Do you ask personal questions?

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Speaker 2: Yes, we we ask all the questions. I mean when

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Speaker 2: I'm with my girls, you know, I think that because

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Speaker 2: we've established a safe space and we are oftentimes no, okay,

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Speaker 2: I can't say this. I'm not gonna say for each

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Speaker 2: other's therapist, don't because I know, okay, but you know

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Speaker 2: what I mean when I say that, support with each

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Speaker 2: other's support, right, And so we are we talk about everything,

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Speaker 2: and so I think I've had times with my best

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Speaker 2: friends she goes goes through something and I'm like, I

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Speaker 2: want to know all the details that she may not

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Speaker 2: be ready to share at the time. And for me,

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Speaker 2: sometimes you know, when your person doesn't want to share

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Speaker 2: something with you, You're just like, oh, if you don't

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Speaker 2: tell me, But again, that's not be unrespectful, right, And

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Speaker 2: I've had times where that's happened on both of our ends.

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Speaker 3: And that is a boundary violation. That is you saying, wait,

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Speaker 3: I mean, I want to know. I don't care if

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Speaker 3: you don't want to tell me.

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Speaker 2: I want to know.

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Speaker 3: That's being a boundary violator. And we do it, and

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Speaker 3: we do it often without even thinking about it. So

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Speaker 3: just in that moment, in that conversation that you had

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Speaker 3: with your bestie, you're like, well, tell me I want

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Speaker 3: to know, Come on, like spill it. That's being a

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Speaker 3: boundary violator. She might not be ready to share. And

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Speaker 3: if she's not ready to share, and she articulates that

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Speaker 3: she is not ready to share, then you have to

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Speaker 3: respect it.

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Speaker 2: And honestly, it's kind of selfish if you think about it,

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Speaker 2: because if we're looking at it, I know there have

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Speaker 2: been times where I might be going through something I

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Speaker 2: don't to share it, And if someone keeps pressing and pressing,

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Speaker 2: it's like, it's kind of selfish. That person wants they're

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Speaker 2: valuing their need to know over your need for privacy

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Speaker 2: or your need to wait and share, and just like

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Speaker 2: processing your own.

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Speaker 3: Right exactly exactly. And if we really are trying to

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Speaker 3: respect that person, then we're gonna check ourselves. We're gonna

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Speaker 3: check our need to know and put our need to

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Speaker 3: care for them above our need to know, because there

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Speaker 3: are ways in which you can help people and support

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Speaker 3: them without knowing all of the details exactly.

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Speaker 2: And I think simply saying that to someone like letting

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Speaker 2: them know and I've definitely gotten better with us over

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Speaker 2: the years where if she's like I don't want to

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Speaker 2: talk about it, I'm like, Okay, I'm here to support you.

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Speaker 2: So when you are ready to talk about it, I

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Speaker 2: got you. If you don't ever want to talk about it,

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Speaker 2: just know that I'm here to support you. And I

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Speaker 2: think those kind of conversations can be really helpful. But

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Speaker 2: then I feel like it's tricky sometimes because you have

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Speaker 2: situations where you ever experienced this where someone says they

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Speaker 2: don't want to share, but they kind of do want

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Speaker 2: to share, but they kind of want you to dig

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Speaker 2: a little deeper, and it's like one of those things

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Speaker 2: where it's like, yeah, they're attention seeking, so they want

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Speaker 2: you to ask and dig deeper so that you can

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Speaker 2: pull it out of them. So that's a tricky situation

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Speaker 2: I think sometimes.

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Speaker 3: And if you know the person, then you can kind

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Speaker 3: of get a sense for are they trying to really

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Speaker 3: set a clear boundary right now? Do they really need

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Speaker 3: some space, do they really need some privacy around this

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Speaker 3: topic right now? Or are they asking for you to

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Speaker 3: pull the information out of them? Are they kind of

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Speaker 3: looking for attention exactly? I think when you talk about

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Speaker 3: the Wendy Williams thing. Another thing that kind of comes

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Speaker 3: up is this idea of offering unsolicited advice, right because

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Speaker 3: as you taught, as you were sharing the story, and

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Speaker 3: you were talking about, well, there's rumors about her husband cheating,

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Speaker 3: and you know, and what he's doing with this mistress.

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Speaker 3: I know, I already know. I haven't even looked online,

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Speaker 3: but I already know that people are offering unsolicited advice

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Speaker 3: on what Wendy needs to be doing, sure how she

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Speaker 3: needs to manage that situation.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 3: So one of the things that one of the ways

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Speaker 3: in which we violate people's boundaries is when we offer

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Speaker 3: this advice, like we say, girl, if I were you,

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Speaker 3: I wouldn't be.

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Speaker 2: You'll know what you would be, because we all have

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Speaker 2: advice for someone else's situation, right.

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Speaker 3: Of course, knowing if you were in that person's shoes,

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Speaker 3: you don't know what you would do because and some

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Speaker 3: of it, I think is a developmental thing too that

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Speaker 3: if I reflect back to when I was in my

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Speaker 3: late teens, early twenties, maybe even mid twenties, if someone said, like,

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Speaker 3: if we were reading about Wendy Williams story, most of

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Speaker 3: us would have been like, girl, I would leave him.

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Speaker 3: I'm not trying to stick around for no man who's

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Speaker 3: doing this, this and this. But that's because you haven't

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Speaker 3: experienced this. You haven't lived life yet, right, So if

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Speaker 3: you're in that age group and you're listening to us,

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Speaker 3: just keep living.

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Speaker 2: That's a really good point down because I think about, girl,

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Speaker 2: there was a point in my life when I was

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Speaker 2: I would say pretty judgmental, and I would see certain

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Speaker 2: things that people went through and I'd be like, oh, girl,

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Speaker 2: that could never be me. Ooh you better than me.

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't be doing that. And Girl, I didn't live

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Speaker 2: some life, and I was like, I didne did some

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Speaker 2: shit that I said I ain't wasn't gonna do. I

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Speaker 2: didn't been through some things, but I was like, I

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Speaker 2: could have swear I would have never gone through this.

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Speaker 2: And it made me a lot more empathetic and understanding

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Speaker 2: of other people's journey. And I am like the most

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Speaker 2: non judgment of person today, seriously.

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Speaker 3: And the thing is is that that offering unsolicited advice

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Speaker 3: and being judgmental, those are boundary violations. So whether we

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Speaker 3: want to accept it and own it or not, we

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Speaker 3: are violating people's boundaries when we offer unsolicited advice, or

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Speaker 3: when we are judging their behaviors. I'll even go so

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Speaker 3: far as to say, when we are judging ourselves, we

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Speaker 3: are violating our own boundaries.

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Speaker 2: Oh would say more about that time, what does that

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Speaker 2: look like?

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Speaker 3: So when we are coming down on ourselves, right because

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Speaker 3: of something that we did, like I didn't get this

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Speaker 3: project done by this deadline, I'm a bad person. I'm

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Speaker 3: a horrible person. I suck at my job. Like, you know,

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Speaker 3: you're judging yourself, right, that's violating your boundary, your boundary

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Speaker 3: of being compassionate, your boundary of being understanding and emlethetic

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Speaker 3: to yourself. I think you know, as we're having this conversation,

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Speaker 3: like I'm realizing that we live in a world where

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Speaker 3: we are constantly violating each other's boundaries, violating our own

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Speaker 3: boundaries and not even really realizing it. Like as I

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Speaker 3: was trying to figure out, okay, like what boundaries do

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Speaker 3: I want to talk about? Like I came across multiple

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Speaker 3: lists of ways in which we violate our boundaries physically, mentally,

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Speaker 3: and all kinds of other ways.

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Speaker 2: Right.

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Speaker 3: The list is extensive, it is it is extensive. Wow,

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Speaker 3: we all are familiar with the physical ways in which

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Speaker 3: we violate people's physical boundaries by inappropriate touch.

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Speaker 2: Right, And we talked about that last time too.

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Speaker 3: Yes, being in someone's space, so in their physical space,

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Speaker 3: so yeah, yeah, in their personal bubble. Like culturally some

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Speaker 3: cultures being in close proximity to a person where you

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Speaker 3: can literally smell the onions and garlic they had for breakfast.

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Speaker 2: When I was in Yes, that culturally, right, it depends

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Speaker 2: because I was going to say when I was in Europe,

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Speaker 2: we were standing in line and there was someone that

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Speaker 2: was extremely I mean so close. I'm like this mother

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Speaker 2: school back, like just all up in my space. And

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Speaker 2: I feel like in the US we are big on

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Speaker 2: bubbles and respecting someone's space. So even though it's like

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Speaker 2: we kind of respect someone's aura, right, so you kind

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Speaker 2: of stand outside of the space around them because you

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Speaker 2: don't want to be all up on somebody's back. And

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Speaker 2: so yeah, it depends on where you are, right, like

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Speaker 2: where in the world are.

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Speaker 3: You and that I mean, so that's a a boundary

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Speaker 3: violation when we are within a person's particular bubble. When

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Speaker 3: we enter in someone's room, whether that's their office or

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Speaker 3: their bedroom or even like the dressing room. When you're

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Speaker 3: out shopping and you're changing clothes, you're entering someone's room

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Speaker 3: without their permission, you're violating your boundary. And that's clear,

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Speaker 3: Like we can say that, and we know that those

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Speaker 3: are obvious. Right, So our physical boundaries are easy for

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Speaker 3: us to pick up on. But some of the mental

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Speaker 3: and emotional boundaries that we've been talking about, there's even more.

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Speaker 3: There's like a longer list.

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Speaker 2: Another boundary violation, in my opinion, is hair, hair and

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Speaker 2: black women. Right, I have let me just talk. There's

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Speaker 2: like this whole hair journey. I feel like we have

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Speaker 2: to do it. We have to do an episode on hair. Yes,

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Speaker 2: and we because I growing up my mom used to

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Speaker 2: always get me my sister's hair done. We had you know,

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Speaker 2: we either were our natural hair or we were weave

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Speaker 2: ever since we were little, and that was just a thing.

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Speaker 2: And so hair has always been like this this area

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Speaker 2: of expression for me where I can just express myself,

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Speaker 2: you know, take on different looks. And it's been a

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Speaker 2: fun experience. But one thing I noticed growing up in

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Speaker 2: predominantly white areas is that my teachers, they would be

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Speaker 2: my teachers and classmates would be so fascinated with my

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Speaker 2: hair and they would ask can I touch it? Can

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Speaker 2: I touch your hair? How long does it take? How

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Speaker 2: did they do that? And I would literally be like

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Speaker 2: interviewed anytime I had a new hairstyle or new breats

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Speaker 2: and baldies and all that, And that is something I

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Speaker 2: grew accustomed to. But as I've gotten older, that is

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Speaker 2: something that I have a less I have less toleration for,

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Speaker 2: and it's really annoying to me. I'd rather just be

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Speaker 2: able to show up as myself and let my hair

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Speaker 2: not be a topic of conversation. If that makes sense.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it does. And I think that that is a

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Speaker 3: huge physical boundary violation that people, and I think that

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Speaker 3: people do it it who aren't just like, yes, white

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Speaker 3: folks tend to be like the big offenders in that.

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Speaker 3: But I think we do it to each other too,

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Speaker 3: we do. We do it to each other, like you know,

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Speaker 3: being for me having natural hair, I've had friends or

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Speaker 3: just other people come up to me and like, ooh,

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Speaker 3: your hair feels so soft and touch it and it's

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Speaker 3: like like you're literally frozen for a second because it's

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Speaker 3: like wait, they put their hands in my hair. And

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Speaker 3: I think it depends on the person, right, Yeah, because

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Speaker 3: sometimes like like I know my sisters, and I like,

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Speaker 3: we'll play around with each other, right, And.

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Speaker 2: And so.

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Speaker 3: If my sisters, one of my sisters does it, if

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Speaker 3: I get annoyed with my sister doing it, is because

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Speaker 3: things that my sisters do annoy me exactly. So it's

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Speaker 3: not it's not just the fact that they're touching my hair.

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Speaker 3: Is you're intentionally touching my hair to annoying me. It's

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Speaker 3: the same thing as like licking your finger and sticking

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Speaker 3: it in my ear, Like, yes, what it was, but

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Speaker 3: those little girls things that we do to annoy each other. Right,

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Speaker 3: So even in that context, even though that's a boundary violation,

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Speaker 3: Like I get that we're playing with each other, right,

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Speaker 3: but someone else, like a coworker, yo, no, no, do

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Speaker 3: not violate that boundary. Do not touch my hair because

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Speaker 3: touching my hair, you're touching my person.

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Speaker 2: You're touching my person, You're touching part of my identity

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Speaker 2: in some cases as well. And in my eyes, and

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Speaker 2: I know we all have different experiences and perspectives. In

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Speaker 2: my eyes, I have never thought I never felt the

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Speaker 2: knee to touch anyone their hair, their person, like I've

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Speaker 2: just never I've never done that and I never thought

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Speaker 2: that that was appropriate. And I've actually had people in

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Speaker 2: the workplace. This happened to one of my black girlfriends

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Speaker 2: in the workplace. This Asian woman came up to her

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Speaker 2: when she had her afro out, and she came and

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Speaker 2: touched her hair, and I was just like, why does

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Speaker 2: she think that was okay? And this black girl that

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Speaker 2: I know my friends, she literally almost had a nervous breakdown,

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Speaker 2: like she called she like text me and was like, girl,

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Speaker 2: this just happened. I need to talk because that is

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Speaker 2: so true. That can be very traumatizing, especially when you

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Speaker 2: think about the historical experience of black people in the

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Speaker 2: country and space and being violated and you know, being

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Speaker 2: having boundaries violated and then something like that. That's that's

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Speaker 2: traumatizing for us as the people, I think.

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Speaker 3: But yes, it's just display No, we have respect, Yes, yes,

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Speaker 3: have respect. Treat our hair because it is a part

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Speaker 3: of our person. Treat our hair as if it was

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Speaker 3: any other part of our body that you know, good

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Speaker 3: and well you were not going to touch, because that

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Speaker 3: is an hr violation.

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Speaker 2: I always like to I know this is definitely like

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Speaker 2: a little out there, but I always like to compare

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Speaker 2: the hair conversation to like breasts because the reason I

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Speaker 2: do that is because if I wear weave or an

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Speaker 2: extension or something that's like an extension. Right, Imagine someone

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Speaker 2: getting breast in plants and you notice that their breasts

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Speaker 2: are a lot bigger the next day, and maybe I

358
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Speaker 2: changed my hair and you notice, oh wait, her hair

359
00:20:26,040 --> 00:20:28,720
Speaker 2: was just short. Now is longer? Would you come would

360
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Speaker 2: you come up to a person and be like, oh damn, squeeze,

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Speaker 2: squeeze girl? Are those like? No, you would not do that.

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Speaker 3: Automatic sexual exactly, Yes, I see exactly.

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Speaker 2: And with hair, yeah, that's just my person because I

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Speaker 2: feel like that's what I have to like, I have

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Speaker 2: to compare those two so the people get it, like, yo,

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Speaker 2: it is not appropriate ever to touch anyone's hair, but

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Speaker 2: especially a black woman, because I feel like people are

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Speaker 2: more engrossed and like, really, I don't know, not respect

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Speaker 2: of our hair, and I think that, yeah, that's something

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Speaker 2: that definitely needs to be addressed. Yeah, you know which

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Speaker 2: one I just thought of? This is now you got

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Speaker 2: me thinking. So I went to a therapist and she

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Speaker 2: used to always say in her notice before you began

374
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Speaker 2: to work with her, please do not work sense before

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Speaker 2: the therapy session because she had an allergic reaction, and

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Speaker 2: sometimes folks would come in with all this perfume or

377
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Speaker 2: cologne on and she'd be sneezing the entire session. And

378
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Speaker 2: so that's I mean, I never even thought of like

379
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Speaker 2: a sent and if you okay, if somebody got bo

380
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Speaker 2: that's another boundary violation because then I want to smell.

381
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Speaker 2: But no, I mean something as simple as like the

382
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Speaker 2: way you smell or what you're putting on as you

383
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Speaker 2: go into different spaces with other people.

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Speaker 3: And that's a good thing for me to pay attention to.

385
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Speaker 3: Like I've thought about, I've had similar interactions where like,

386
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Speaker 3: if you walk into my office, people frequently comment, Oh,

387
00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:54,760
Speaker 3: your office smells so good. That's because I like sense, right,

388
00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,719
Speaker 3: I keep bath and body works plugging. Yeah, and so

389
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:03,560
Speaker 3: I stay up on the sense and people are constantly

390
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,679
Speaker 3: common and who its smells so good? And here I

391
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Speaker 3: wear perfume. I love wearing perfume, I love candles. I

392
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Speaker 3: like things around me to smell good. But that's a

393
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:21,480
Speaker 3: good point that for some people they can't handle those sins,

394
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Speaker 3: and so it is something to be aware of that

395
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,439
Speaker 3: you might be like if you're wearing perfume and you

396
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:32,520
Speaker 3: encounter someone they might be allergic to your sin, and

397
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Speaker 3: now you violated their boundary.

398
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Speaker 2: And I think about even and I've been on different

399
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Speaker 2: search committees when we're hiring for different jobs, and I

400
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,399
Speaker 2: think that you know, we actually went over we had

401
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Speaker 2: a training and we went over different questions that you

402
00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:49,400
Speaker 2: cannot ask someone in an interview or when they're interviewing

403
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,720
Speaker 2: for lunch, and I saw one of my colleagues do this,

404
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:53,840
Speaker 2: and I was just cringing, like, girl, don't ask that

405
00:22:53,880 --> 00:22:56,720
Speaker 2: person where they live, because you cannot ask where they

406
00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:00,520
Speaker 2: live with their ages, you know, when they graduated from school,

407
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,280
Speaker 2: because you know of agism and other different sort of

408
00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:06,119
Speaker 2: privacy concerns there, and there are a lot of different

409
00:23:06,119 --> 00:23:08,320
Speaker 2: things that you just cannot ask. And I think this

410
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:11,479
Speaker 2: is such an important topic to dive into because we,

411
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Speaker 2: many of us, do violate boundaries throughout the day. So

412
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Speaker 2: I think just having a conversation like this can heighten

413
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Speaker 2: our awareness of wait, is this appropriate? Should I be

414
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Speaker 2: doing this? Like is it okay to ask someone a woman,

415
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Speaker 2: for instance, when you're gonna have kids. You don't know

416
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Speaker 2: if this woman has had several miscarriages or if she

417
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Speaker 2: cannot have kids, or if she's like, well, you don't

418
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:34,160
Speaker 2: know what she's going through. And I think that's something

419
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:37,359
Speaker 2: I used to ask women all the time. But now

420
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Speaker 2: I have friends and i've been, you know, in this world,

421
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,439
Speaker 2: and I see that, Oh, there are a lot of

422
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:46,320
Speaker 2: different layers to a woman and ter ability to conceive that.

423
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Speaker 2: You just don't want to ask questions because that could

424
00:23:48,720 --> 00:23:51,600
Speaker 2: be so offensive and so triggering for some people.

425
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Speaker 3: Right, that is not your business.

426
00:23:54,640 --> 00:23:57,520
Speaker 2: Not your business. I saw another woman online really quick.

427
00:23:57,640 --> 00:24:01,320
Speaker 2: She she was struggling with fibroids, and so it sometimes

428
00:24:01,359 --> 00:24:04,399
Speaker 2: appears as though you're bloated, and some people assume that

429
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:07,880
Speaker 2: you might be pregnant, and she actually it broke my heart.

430
00:24:08,000 --> 00:24:12,360
Speaker 2: She actually is not in the space. Okay, I guess

431
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,119
Speaker 2: I can say this publicly because she put it on

432
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Speaker 2: her Instagram. But Tiffany, the budget nista who's like very

433
00:24:17,960 --> 00:24:22,120
Speaker 2: you know, established and successful financial educator, she posted something

434
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:25,240
Speaker 2: on her Instagram recently about how you know. She was saying,

435
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,240
Speaker 2: please stop asking me if I'm pregnant, Like it's disrespectful,

436
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:31,040
Speaker 2: and she's like, this isn't financially related, but this is

437
00:24:31,080 --> 00:24:33,640
Speaker 2: what's happening to me, and it's really it's just it's

438
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,359
Speaker 2: inappropriate and just because someone might look as if they

439
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:39,800
Speaker 2: have a little a belly or bloated whatever, don't ask

440
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:42,199
Speaker 2: any questions. Just mind your business and keeping pushing. If

441
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,760
Speaker 2: you don't see a baby pop out in nine months,

442
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,679
Speaker 2: then you know what it is like. Don't do it.

443
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:46,720
Speaker 2: It's just so offensive.

444
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,720
Speaker 3: Stay out of my uterus, yes, stay out of my uness.

445
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:51,000
Speaker 2: I love.

446
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:52,119
Speaker 3: Stay out of my uterus.

447
00:24:52,240 --> 00:24:52,359
Speaker 2: Yes.

448
00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:55,639
Speaker 3: And as you were talking, one of the things something

449
00:24:55,720 --> 00:25:00,359
Speaker 3: that I realized, another small way which we buy violate

450
00:25:00,359 --> 00:25:04,680
Speaker 3: people's boundaries is interrupting them while they're talking. Because as

451
00:25:04,720 --> 00:25:07,000
Speaker 3: you were talking, there were so many ways, so many

452
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,960
Speaker 3: moments where I wanted to jump in and be like

453
00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:12,800
Speaker 3: ooh and say something. And then I and I stopped

454
00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:15,240
Speaker 3: myself in this moment, I stopped myself and I said,

455
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:20,800
Speaker 3: hold on, don't violate her boundaries. She's speaking, let her talk.

456
00:25:21,200 --> 00:25:26,280
Speaker 3: Terry got the mic, not dumb. So even it just

457
00:25:26,560 --> 00:25:31,000
Speaker 3: happens so fast and in so many like small ways

458
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:33,359
Speaker 3: that we can violate people's boundaries.

459
00:25:34,080 --> 00:25:36,240
Speaker 2: My husband's gonna love to you just said that. Thanks

460
00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:39,280
Speaker 2: so much, don forgiving him some fuel for a conversation.

461
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:41,879
Speaker 2: That is something I've been working on even with my

462
00:25:41,920 --> 00:25:44,000
Speaker 2: best friends, cause I get you ever get so excited

463
00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:46,199
Speaker 2: when you're chatting. I think sometimes you can talk to

464
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,879
Speaker 2: some people and depending on your vibe, you can both

465
00:25:48,960 --> 00:25:51,119
Speaker 2: continue to interrupt and it can be a good conversation,

466
00:25:51,280 --> 00:25:53,640
Speaker 2: like with you interrupting each other, but especially if it's

467
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:56,199
Speaker 2: someone that you don't know, I think that's a tricky

468
00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:59,160
Speaker 2: like it's like, come on, now that the first impression,

469
00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,400
Speaker 2: the vibe you give all when you're just constantly interrupting,

470
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,560
Speaker 2: But now I feel you. You're right, I'm a work

471
00:26:03,560 --> 00:26:04,320
Speaker 2: in progress.

472
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:08,280
Speaker 3: We're all works in progress. And but you you bring

473
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:13,720
Speaker 3: up context right, knowing your audience, knowing your setting, knowing

474
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:19,960
Speaker 3: your environment. So yeah, so technically, technically I could be

475
00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,560
Speaker 3: because we vibe right, we're cool like that.

476
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:27,000
Speaker 2: We finish each other's sentences with the podcast.

477
00:26:26,640 --> 00:26:31,920
Speaker 3: Exactly that's how we wrote. But let's say that you're

478
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:39,000
Speaker 3: in a meeting at work. That is highly disrespectful to

479
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:46,240
Speaker 3: interrupt someone while they're giving a presentation. If someone is talking,

480
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:50,000
Speaker 3: whether they're presenting or not, if they if someone has

481
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 3: the floor, we let them finish their thought before we interrupt.

482
00:26:56,640 --> 00:26:59,560
Speaker 3: I believe we were taught that in school, right, one

483
00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:00,560
Speaker 3: person's speaks at.

484
00:27:00,440 --> 00:27:03,879
Speaker 2: A time exactly. And I feel like that happens a

485
00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:07,800
Speaker 2: lot with women as well, like men will typically interrupt

486
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:11,080
Speaker 2: women and you know, work meetings of the work environment.

487
00:27:11,119 --> 00:27:13,000
Speaker 2: That's I feel I feel like there was a study

488
00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,359
Speaker 2: done on that, and yeah, so.

489
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:20,240
Speaker 3: That's I mean, but that's a big boundary violation has

490
00:27:20,280 --> 00:27:24,119
Speaker 3: some gender dynamics, as you're and power dynamics as well.

491
00:27:24,720 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 3: And I think that like, as we're having this conversation,

492
00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:35,400
Speaker 3: they're just is becoming really clear to me that our

493
00:27:35,480 --> 00:27:43,560
Speaker 3: boundaries get violated every day, every single day. So what

494
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:49,719
Speaker 3: do we do? How do we handle if we recognize

495
00:27:49,960 --> 00:27:51,560
Speaker 3: that we're the boundary violator?

496
00:27:52,720 --> 00:27:55,640
Speaker 2: Well, I think one is a good one. Good example

497
00:27:55,760 --> 00:27:58,000
Speaker 2: is what I shared in the last episode about boundaries

498
00:27:58,040 --> 00:28:01,280
Speaker 2: where don't take offense to don't take offense. You know.

499
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:04,520
Speaker 2: I shared last time that one of my coaches, we were,

500
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:06,320
Speaker 2: you know, we had a really great session. We were

501
00:28:06,359 --> 00:28:08,600
Speaker 2: about to leave each other and I went in to

502
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:10,440
Speaker 2: give her a hug as I asked, oh, can I

503
00:28:10,520 --> 00:28:13,280
Speaker 2: hug you? And she said, oh no, it's okay, or

504
00:28:13,320 --> 00:28:15,119
Speaker 2: I forget she says something along those lines, and I

505
00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:16,640
Speaker 2: just kind of put my hands down, like, oh shit,

506
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:18,679
Speaker 2: she just said no, like I had to process that.

507
00:28:18,760 --> 00:28:21,359
Speaker 2: So I think in that moment, I could have you know,

508
00:28:21,359 --> 00:28:23,000
Speaker 2: I said before, I could have had an attitude, I

509
00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,240
Speaker 2: could have felt some type of way, but it's just no,

510
00:28:25,480 --> 00:28:28,520
Speaker 2: everybody has different boundaries and just respecting someone else's boundaries.

511
00:28:28,760 --> 00:28:31,400
Speaker 2: Another thing, a colleague of mine, I called her by

512
00:28:31,440 --> 00:28:34,520
Speaker 2: her first name and she has a nickname, and she said, oh,

513
00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:37,000
Speaker 2: can you please not call me that? I prefer this.

514
00:28:37,160 --> 00:28:38,520
Speaker 2: That kind of makes me feel like, you know, a

515
00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:40,640
Speaker 2: bill collector, and no one else calls me that but

516
00:28:40,760 --> 00:28:43,200
Speaker 2: my father. And so I had to respect her boundaries.

517
00:28:43,200 --> 00:28:45,760
Speaker 2: So now whenever I see her, I'm very intentional about okay,

518
00:28:45,760 --> 00:28:48,160
Speaker 2: make sure I say her nickname and not her full name.

519
00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:51,960
Speaker 2: So it's just enabling us to create spaces where people

520
00:28:51,960 --> 00:28:54,120
Speaker 2: feel comfortable. And that's what this is all about.

521
00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 3: And So to touch on those two that you pointed out,

522
00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:01,960
Speaker 3: I think so the one about out the name there

523
00:29:02,040 --> 00:29:08,200
Speaker 3: was just in social media this past week that video

524
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:12,200
Speaker 3: with Maya Angeloue and she called the young girl out

525
00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,520
Speaker 3: for addressing her as Maya and not like miss Maya

526
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:22,360
Speaker 3: or missus Meyer or doctor Angelou right, and I think

527
00:29:22,640 --> 00:29:24,520
Speaker 3: there was a lot of controversy around her because they

528
00:29:24,520 --> 00:29:28,040
Speaker 3: say that doctor Angelou, because I'm going to give her

529
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:33,240
Speaker 3: the respect she deserves, was rude to the young lady.

530
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:36,640
Speaker 3: But I think that the overall lesson, and she came

531
00:29:36,680 --> 00:29:39,600
Speaker 3: back around later to kind of like correct the situation

532
00:29:39,720 --> 00:29:43,680
Speaker 3: or address the situation, But the overall lesson in that

533
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:51,320
Speaker 3: was doctor Angelou has a boundary in terms of her

534
00:29:51,440 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 3: name and how she chooses to be addressed. And also

535
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:02,480
Speaker 3: I think that that's a sign of respect that when,

536
00:30:02,640 --> 00:30:07,520
Speaker 3: particularly when you are interacting with people who are your

537
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:13,560
Speaker 3: elders or who have a higher position than you. Right So,

538
00:30:15,040 --> 00:30:18,960
Speaker 3: for me, particularly in academic settings, if I know someone

539
00:30:19,640 --> 00:30:23,840
Speaker 3: has a doctorate level degree, I will address them by

540
00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:27,800
Speaker 3: doctor in their last name unless they until they tell

541
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:34,080
Speaker 3: me differently. And if I'm around my elders, and I

542
00:30:34,200 --> 00:30:37,560
Speaker 3: use elders meaning anybody who is older than me, I

543
00:30:37,600 --> 00:30:39,840
Speaker 3: will put a miss or mister in front of their

544
00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:44,760
Speaker 3: name until they tell me differently, because that's about respecting

545
00:30:44,840 --> 00:30:49,280
Speaker 3: their name. Right then, I think about what you said

546
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:54,320
Speaker 3: about with your coach and hugging her, and it's okay

547
00:30:54,400 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 3: for us to set that clear boundary about I don't

548
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,480
Speaker 3: want to be touched. But if you're a hugger, then

549
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:07,200
Speaker 3: you can ask, ask, ask, just ask for permission to

550
00:31:07,320 --> 00:31:11,560
Speaker 3: say I'm a hug Just identify and say I'm a hugger.

551
00:31:11,920 --> 00:31:14,360
Speaker 3: Is an okay? If I hug and give you our

552
00:31:14,480 --> 00:31:16,720
Speaker 3: is okay if I give you a hug and let

553
00:31:16,760 --> 00:31:21,840
Speaker 3: that person respond and respect how they respond.

554
00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,200
Speaker 2: And I think also being willing to listen. Like again,

555
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:29,240
Speaker 2: we said this before. We everyone has a different life experience.

556
00:31:29,280 --> 00:31:34,040
Speaker 2: Everyone has you know, has different experiences within their life experience, right,

557
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,440
Speaker 2: And so someone might be I'm just using this as

558
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:38,800
Speaker 2: an extreme example, but you might someone might be a

559
00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:41,400
Speaker 2: sexual assault survivor and they may not like to be

560
00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,880
Speaker 2: touched at all by anyone that they don't know, and

561
00:31:43,960 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 2: you come up and touch them on the shoulder. For you,

562
00:31:45,680 --> 00:31:47,560
Speaker 2: it's not a big deal. But for that person, that

563
00:31:47,560 --> 00:31:50,320
Speaker 2: could be triggering, right, or can make them feel extremely uncomfortable.

564
00:31:50,520 --> 00:31:53,000
Speaker 2: So I think being open, Although we may not understand

565
00:31:53,040 --> 00:31:56,120
Speaker 2: someone else's boundary, if they make it known to us,

566
00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:58,680
Speaker 2: listen and try to understand their perspective, because I think

567
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 2: that's something I'm still learning. I chatted with some students

568
00:32:01,680 --> 00:32:03,760
Speaker 2: last week and I remember we were about to take

569
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:05,479
Speaker 2: a picture, and I said, can I touch your shoulder?

570
00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:07,680
Speaker 2: And she was like yeah, like it was okay, And

571
00:32:07,720 --> 00:32:08,920
Speaker 2: I was like, okay, cool. I just want to make

572
00:32:08,960 --> 00:32:11,000
Speaker 2: sure cover my ass because it's like this is a

573
00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:14,000
Speaker 2: student one. We're taking a group picture. But still I

574
00:32:14,040 --> 00:32:16,200
Speaker 2: don't know if that person might be uncomfortable with me

575
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:18,760
Speaker 2: doing that. Right, So, yes, be willing.

576
00:32:18,560 --> 00:32:22,160
Speaker 3: To listen exactly, be willing to hear other people. Be

577
00:32:22,320 --> 00:32:28,520
Speaker 3: willing to also apologize. Yes, if you have violated someone's

578
00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:31,560
Speaker 3: boundary and they have made it clear that you violated

579
00:32:31,600 --> 00:32:38,280
Speaker 3: their boundary, apologize for me for sure, genuinely apologize for

580
00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:39,160
Speaker 3: it exactly.

581
00:32:39,400 --> 00:32:43,000
Speaker 2: Yes, I would agree with that. And then there was

582
00:32:43,040 --> 00:32:46,360
Speaker 2: a question that someone shared with us and I love

583
00:32:46,400 --> 00:32:50,120
Speaker 2: to dive into that just to see what our perspective

584
00:32:50,160 --> 00:32:53,480
Speaker 2: is here. And the person asked, how do you answer

585
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:56,400
Speaker 2: invasive questions from others? Like when are you getting married?

586
00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:58,920
Speaker 2: When are y'all having a baby, when you have a baby,

587
00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:01,280
Speaker 2: number two? Things like that, And I'm trying to think

588
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:04,520
Speaker 2: about that question realistically because I think sometimes it's easy

589
00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:06,320
Speaker 2: to give advice and say, oh, well, you just got

590
00:33:06,360 --> 00:33:07,960
Speaker 2: to say this, But I'm like, if someone were to

591
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:11,760
Speaker 2: actually ask me that. In my family, for instance, what

592
00:33:11,840 --> 00:33:14,040
Speaker 2: do you say? And I remember having a friend asked

593
00:33:14,040 --> 00:33:17,240
Speaker 2: me something about that recently or something along those lines,

594
00:33:17,560 --> 00:33:19,760
Speaker 2: and I told her that, I actually told her that

595
00:33:19,800 --> 00:33:21,959
Speaker 2: it was offensive. But we also have a certain rapport,

596
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:24,440
Speaker 2: so it wasn't a problem with me saying that I'm

597
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:28,280
Speaker 2: thinking about, you know, a grandparent or in law or

598
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,200
Speaker 2: someone like that. How do we answer questions like that,

599
00:33:31,280 --> 00:33:32,680
Speaker 2: those invasive questions.

600
00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:35,000
Speaker 3: Well, it's about knowing your audience. Like you said, so

601
00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:39,240
Speaker 3: with your girlfriend that you have that built in relationship

602
00:33:39,240 --> 00:33:42,959
Speaker 3: where you all can have that interaction where it was

603
00:33:43,560 --> 00:33:46,320
Speaker 3: comfortable and safe for you to say, well, I think

604
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:50,120
Speaker 3: this is offensive and dive into why it's offensive to you.

605
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,680
Speaker 3: That's one way to address it. If it's a family

606
00:33:54,720 --> 00:33:59,640
Speaker 3: member that they constantly are violating your boundaries by asking

607
00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 3: all all the rude questions, all the invasive questions, then

608
00:34:04,760 --> 00:34:09,560
Speaker 3: you can be assertive, not aggressive, not passive aggressive. You

609
00:34:09,600 --> 00:34:14,160
Speaker 3: can be assertive and you can say that's not something

610
00:34:14,200 --> 00:34:16,839
Speaker 3: that I want to discuss, that's not something that I

611
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:24,400
Speaker 3: feel comfortable discussing. You can say I don't know, m

612
00:34:25,000 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 3: that's a good one. You don't You are not obligated

613
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:35,880
Speaker 3: to answer any question that you feel is a boundary violation.

614
00:34:37,040 --> 00:34:39,600
Speaker 2: I feel like sometimes in those instances, maybe I don't

615
00:34:39,600 --> 00:34:41,440
Speaker 2: know and then come back with a different question that

616
00:34:41,480 --> 00:34:43,960
Speaker 2: maybe changes the subjects because I feel like, you know,

617
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:44,640
Speaker 2: people can just.

618
00:34:44,600 --> 00:34:45,080
Speaker 3: Go on and on.

619
00:34:45,200 --> 00:34:47,439
Speaker 2: Look, I don't know, Oh, well, you know, you better

620
00:34:47,680 --> 00:34:49,440
Speaker 2: have that next baby or else. You know, they just

621
00:34:49,520 --> 00:34:51,279
Speaker 2: kind of keep going, And I think it'd be great

622
00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:52,840
Speaker 2: to also cut off that.

623
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:56,239
Speaker 3: You can cut it off by saying I don't know,

624
00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:57,799
Speaker 3: and I prefer not to.

625
00:34:57,760 --> 00:35:02,440
Speaker 2: Talk about it. There you go close that about real quick, Yeah, yeah,

626
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:05,120
Speaker 2: and take it offended. That's honestly on them, because it's

627
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:08,040
Speaker 2: important that we advocate for ourselves. And I'm sure after

628
00:35:08,080 --> 00:35:10,040
Speaker 2: this episode I will be tested because I feel like

629
00:35:10,040 --> 00:35:13,359
Speaker 2: every time we talk about a different topic, we air

630
00:35:13,440 --> 00:35:16,080
Speaker 2: the episode and then it's like, oh, real life is like, hey,

631
00:35:16,160 --> 00:35:18,960
Speaker 2: let's test it out to see if you really practicing

632
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:19,840
Speaker 2: what you preach it?

633
00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:20,360
Speaker 3: Yes?

634
00:35:20,560 --> 00:35:20,880
Speaker 2: Yes?

635
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:24,560
Speaker 3: Like doctor dom, are you really over there? Like engaging

636
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:28,520
Speaker 3: in self care? Are you really over there? Like having

637
00:35:28,640 --> 00:35:33,760
Speaker 3: assertive conversations like are you really just all the things?

638
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:36,759
Speaker 2: All the things? All the things? Yeah?

639
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:40,839
Speaker 3: Well, as you all step out into this world, remember

640
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:45,640
Speaker 3: to please be respectful of each other's boundaries, and if

641
00:35:45,680 --> 00:35:48,359
Speaker 3: for a moment you are uncertain in a situation that

642
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:53,880
Speaker 3: you're in, ask yourself how would you respond if the

643
00:35:53,920 --> 00:35:57,600
Speaker 3: shoes on the other Hopefully, thanks for joining us today

644
00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:01,000
Speaker 3: in her Space. Please note that our show may contain

645
00:36:01,160 --> 00:36:06,240
Speaker 3: conversations about self help, advice, self empowerment, and mental health,

646
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:08,520
Speaker 3: but it is by no means meant to be a

647
00:36:08,560 --> 00:36:12,320
Speaker 3: substitute for an ongoing formal relationship with a trained mental

648
00:36:12,320 --> 00:36:15,960
Speaker 3: health provider. If you or someone you know is in

649
00:36:16,080 --> 00:36:19,279
Speaker 3: need of mental health care, please visit the Therapeople Black

650
00:36:19,320 --> 00:36:24,320
Speaker 3: Girls Directory Psychology today or contact your insurance provider.

651
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Speaker 2: If you liked what you heard and want to keep

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Speaker 2: the conversation going, connect with us on Facebook, Instagram, and

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Speaker 2: Twitter at her Space podcast or check out our website

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Speaker 2: at herspacepodcast dot com. And before we meet again, repeat

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Speaker 2: after me, I am not defined by where I come

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Speaker 2: from or what happened to me. I get to create

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Speaker 2: my own destiny.

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Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week. Lady