Speaker 1: Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast.
Speaker 2: Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing in.
Speaker 3: H dub dub in the tub tub tub.
Speaker 2: It's dear Bonya, dear b A n y a.
Speaker 1: B A n my a b A and my and Banya.
Speaker 3: What's her name? Oh that's cute.
Speaker 4: I'm gonna say we should think of like a jingle
Speaker 4: for rub Banya, like here's our dear Banya.
Speaker 3: That was good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but that was a that was a form like
Speaker 2: we just stole.
Speaker 3: That, I know, but it like worked perfectly.
Speaker 2: Yeahs amount of letters. Yeah, well that'll be interim.
Speaker 3: B A n y A. Well, how does it start?
Speaker 5: How does it a?
Speaker 1: There was a scrubber with the question and she wrote
Speaker 1: it into the email.
Speaker 2: B A y b A n y A b.
Speaker 3: A and and Bonya was her name. Oh, there was
Speaker 3: a scrubber who had a question. Anonymous was her name?
Speaker 1: Anyway, a way and Bonya was her name.
Speaker 3: It's pretty good.
Speaker 4: I think there's potential. It rolls it cooksa, we got it.
Speaker 2: The chorus.
Speaker 4: There's no notes. The versus in her tweaks, Yeah, minor
Speaker 4: tweaks here and there.
Speaker 3: We'll cook on it. We'll cook it.
Speaker 2: Is that your new thing?
Speaker 1: Yeah, everybody's talking about it, they said on Survivor the
Speaker 1: other day.
Speaker 3: I was like, we'll cook it.
Speaker 2: Well, cook, I'll let you.
Speaker 3: We'll let you cook, like, let you do your thing,
Speaker 3: all right, So let us cook.
Speaker 2: Let us cook.
Speaker 4: It's timed for dear Bonya, and we're ready to cook
Speaker 4: and give advice.
Speaker 5: I think this one's anonymous. I have an older cousin
Speaker 5: who's my best, best best friend. I was made of honor.
Speaker 5: We talked twenty four seven. I spent a lot of
Speaker 5: time third wheeling. She and her husband, whom I also
Speaker 5: love him. She recently told me a secret. They are
Speaker 5: in an open relationship. She's had a boyfriend of six months,
Speaker 5: and her husband's very much aware of it and supports it.
Speaker 5: She goes on dates with him, she has sex with him,
Speaker 5: She tells him, I love you. You can imagine my
Speaker 5: shock and confusion as she was telling me this.
Speaker 1: Now.
Speaker 5: Number one, this isn't traditional, so that's what shocked me.
Speaker 5: And two, how's this been going on for six months
Speaker 5: without me knowing? She told me she was terrified to
Speaker 5: tell me because she knew was a unique situation. So
Speaker 5: I tried my best to be supportive and understanding, but
Speaker 5: I feel awkward around them because I know the secret
Speaker 5: and no one else knows amongst their friends and family.
Speaker 5: How can I act normal around them? Moving forward? What
Speaker 5: do I say to her when she brings up her
Speaker 5: new boyfriend? I feel like I'm being so awkward when
Speaker 5: I want to be supportive of her and their choices,
Speaker 5: even if it's something I wouldn't be comfortable with.
Speaker 3: Help, you know, the help feels very help.
Speaker 1: I suck at dating, you know, it really is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and so that's a different post.
Speaker 5: I stop doing that. Okay, fair enough, it's kind of
Speaker 5: my thing, but I'll stop in that way. You know,
Speaker 5: it's like my catchphrase. But doing that, I agree with you.
Speaker 2: Go good, everything good.
Speaker 3: We work together too much.
Speaker 2: I'm like, I literally would never have known that.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's how they do all theirs. It's actually not
Speaker 1: called that anymore though.
Speaker 5: No, it's been a few different titles since then. Yeah,
Speaker 5: now it's Suckers okay, and they're not currently in production.
Speaker 3: Oh wow, okay, all right, Well anyway, anyway.
Speaker 2: So here's my thing.
Speaker 4: I think you're totally valid at being surprised and shocked
Speaker 4: by this and also know like being like, how did
Speaker 4: I not know about this for six months? And I
Speaker 4: also understand being a little awkward around it, like navigating it.
Speaker 4: But I think what's what it is is when you
Speaker 4: when something new comes around, there can be that awkward
Speaker 4: adjustment period, but this is their relationship.
Speaker 2: You love them.
Speaker 4: Me personally, I could never do that, be in an
Speaker 4: open relationship and have that, but that's them, that's not
Speaker 4: it's not my life, it's not your life. And so
Speaker 4: I think that if they're happy and they're sharing it
Speaker 4: with you, I think it's just it's almost like you're
Speaker 4: learning something new and you don't know how to be
Speaker 4: around it, but you're doing your best, and I think
Speaker 4: at it at some point you'll adjust to being comfortable
Speaker 4: with it because it'll just be like, it is what
Speaker 4: it is.
Speaker 3: I'm just curious what you feel awkward about, because.
Speaker 2: I think it's just.
Speaker 4: Values and like thinking you know someone and then probably
Speaker 4: feeling like I would never think she would be into this, right.
Speaker 1: And I guess maybe you're awkward because you don't know
Speaker 1: like what to ask, like do you ask like how
Speaker 1: are things with your husband?
Speaker 3: Or do you ask how are things with your boyfriend.
Speaker 2: Just how are things How are things with you?
Speaker 1: Right?
Speaker 2: Yeah? I would that, I was going to say, I
Speaker 2: would be asking all the questions.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I would be asking all the questions.
Speaker 4: Like how did y'all come to terms with this? Like
Speaker 4: what was the conversation? Like did you need to did.
Speaker 3: You agree to this before you got married? Or was
Speaker 3: this post marriage?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 4: Great, there's so many questions. I think you just open
Speaker 4: up if you because you probably feel awkward because you
Speaker 4: have questions that you'd aren't sure you can ask, and
Speaker 4: I think you are in a position where you're she
Speaker 4: probably would be happy to answer your questions and share
Speaker 4: with you, because she's probably just been keeping it inside
Speaker 4: and not having it.
Speaker 2: Tan to talk to her.
Speaker 5: Because she talked about it. She put all of this
Speaker 5: out of the table for you. You also put everything out
Speaker 5: of the table that you're feeling, all the confusion, all
Speaker 5: the questions you have, all the if you're uncomfortable with it,
Speaker 5: say I gotta tell you, I'm not comfortable with this,
Speaker 5: but I'm going to try because I love you and
Speaker 5: i'm your best friend and we're gonna and I want
Speaker 5: to be there for you. It's the things you said
Speaker 5: to us right here. I think you got to tell
Speaker 5: her a lot of this stuff.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and like, I'm wondering if maybe, if there's a
Speaker 1: little bit of you, like, do other people envy their relationship,
Speaker 1: because I'm wondering if like maybe like other friends, like, oh,
Speaker 1: I really wish that our marriage was like Sally and Ben's.
Speaker 1: You know, like they seem like they haven't really figured
Speaker 1: out and then you know this like big secret.
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's probably annoying.
Speaker 5: That's probably annoying.
Speaker 4: Fun too, No, they're like they're so in love and
Speaker 4: happy and yeah.
Speaker 3: They're both doing other people at the same time. So
Speaker 3: you don't want that.
Speaker 4: I think, And honestly, I think the fact that it
Speaker 4: took her six months to tell you probably means that
Speaker 4: she felt awkward about sharing it with you. So the
Speaker 4: fact that she did that, I think shows how much
Speaker 4: she loves you and trusts you, and I think that
Speaker 4: you can share the same honesty.
Speaker 2: Back to Hrling, Mark said.
Speaker 5: Yeah, Anonymous, I'm twenty seven, married to my husband for
Speaker 5: three years now. We've been together since we're fifteen. He's
Speaker 5: my best friend since elementary school. He's the best human
Speaker 5: I know. One large problem. I am a lesbian. My
Speaker 5: husband has known that I'm attracted to women since college,
Speaker 5: but I didn't come to terms with being attracted only
Speaker 5: to women until a couple of years ago. I've known
Speaker 5: I was attracted to women since around ninth grade, but
Speaker 5: I grew up in a conservative small town. I knew
Speaker 5: that would never be an option for me, so I
Speaker 5: kind of posted far down. As I've gotten older, I
Speaker 5: care less what those people think, and I want to
Speaker 5: experience a connection deeper than just a strong friendship. I
Speaker 5: feel for my husband, but I also can't stand the
Speaker 5: thought of losing him in my life, as well as
Speaker 5: his family, who I love so much. He knows I'm
Speaker 5: a lesbian, but he still seems to think that one
Speaker 5: day I'll wake up and be attracted to him. But
Speaker 5: I can't blame him, because I too wish it was
Speaker 5: that easy. One day, I feel like I can settle
Speaker 5: and be happy enough with our friendship in the life
Speaker 5: we have already built in other days, I can't imagine
Speaker 5: staying in a relationship without that passion and deeper connection.
Speaker 5: But I'm terrified of hurting those around me, and I
Speaker 5: feel so selfish and the advice or input is appreciated.
Speaker 5: Ps Becca's journey to acceptance has been such a big
Speaker 5: part of me coming to terms with my own sexuality
Speaker 5: and realizing that the people who truly love me just
Speaker 5: want me to be happy.
Speaker 3: Nice.
Speaker 4: Oh this is complicated. There's a part of me that's like,
Speaker 4: we worry so much about being selfish and in terms
Speaker 4: of what other people will say or hurting other people.
Speaker 4: But I just wonder if it's also selfish to stay
Speaker 4: in something where your husband isn't getting the affection or
Speaker 4: attention sexually from his partner.
Speaker 1: To throw this out there, though, I do think that
Speaker 1: there are people that are in marriages that are just
Speaker 1: kind of like roommates.
Speaker 3: I think there's a sexuality base or not correct, That's
Speaker 3: what I'm saying. So it's like, this isn't the worst
Speaker 3: case scenario, Like you know, it's just not.
Speaker 2: You're saying, like just to stay in the marriage, and.
Speaker 3: No, I'm saying for him, Oh yeah, like.
Speaker 2: Oh like he's he's probably just content with how it is.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I'm saying, take the sexuality out out of it.
Speaker 1: There are marriages and there are relationships out there people
Speaker 1: who just coexist together. They just like live life together
Speaker 1: and they like don't really have sex and they just
Speaker 1: like they're kind of like, really.
Speaker 4: If you're craving the relationship, having a sexual relationship with
Speaker 4: someone that you're attracted to and want.
Speaker 1: That way right then and that's not for you, right Yeah.
Speaker 4: So I'm just saying like, sometimes there I there's always
Speaker 4: this like back and forth of what's selfish, you know,
Speaker 4: like staying in something that you and your partner are
Speaker 4: getting the type of partnership you want from the marriage,
Speaker 4: or is selfish choosing yourself and hurting other people in
Speaker 4: the process.
Speaker 2: I don't know.
Speaker 1: I just think like, in ten years, are you going
Speaker 1: to wake up and kick yourself for not trying to
Speaker 1: explore and find a relationship that ignites all of that
Speaker 1: in you.
Speaker 4: That's what it was for me with I mean, not
Speaker 4: a very different situation, but when coming to term, when
Speaker 4: Haley and I came out with reading A Love and
Speaker 4: a Lot you did reading Seven Husbands of eve Oney,
Speaker 4: yougo was because a big part of that was she
Speaker 4: looked at the end of her life. She got to
Speaker 4: the end of her life and it was like all
Speaker 4: these thoughts of what could have been if she had
Speaker 4: just let herself love who she wanted to love.
Speaker 2: Yeah, and it's so powerful.
Speaker 4: And I do think there is a complication, you know,
Speaker 4: when you commit your life to someone in a marriage,
Speaker 4: But I also think we have one life, and your
Speaker 4: husband knows, and I think it might just be having
Speaker 4: a very honest conversation about where you are with your
Speaker 4: feelings and your sexuality and not wanting to have regrets
Speaker 4: for yourself and for him, and you know, communicating to
Speaker 4: him that you love his friendship. And that's the part
Speaker 4: of you that's staying. That's the part of you that's
Speaker 4: made this hard, and there might be some awkward moments
Speaker 4: navigating that, but I just think I think staying somewhere
Speaker 4: where you're always wanting more or questioning what is out there.
Speaker 3: And I think clearly you are. You wouldn't be writing
Speaker 3: us if you weren't questioning it.
Speaker 5: And the fact that he knows everything, I think we
Speaker 5: need to take advantage of that. Yeah, And I also
Speaker 5: take him so far.
Speaker 4: There's also like she's not going I'm wondering if I'm
Speaker 4: attracted to women. It's like I've known since I was
Speaker 4: in ninth grade, I'm a lesbian. Like, there's no uncertainty here.
Speaker 5: I think you guys need to sit down and have
Speaker 5: a really difficult, very emotional conversation about your future, because
Speaker 5: does he want to be in this knowing that you're
Speaker 5: never going to be attracted to him. If you ever
Speaker 5: sleep with him, it'll be as a favor more than anything.
Speaker 5: You're never going to enjoy that act. So is that
Speaker 5: what you want for your life? But making also clear
Speaker 5: to him that you love him and you don't want
Speaker 5: to lose him, And is there anything we can figure
Speaker 5: out here together to move forward? And maybe that's breaking up,
Speaker 5: Maybe that's seeing other people. Maybe it's the open relationship
Speaker 5: like we had in the last email. Maybe it's somehow
Speaker 5: transitioning into friendship. I don't know.
Speaker 4: Is there a world I don't know this, but like
Speaker 4: if you separate, you know, if you take a separation
Speaker 4: and it's like we we date other people, you know.
Speaker 2: Like divorce, there's more this.
Speaker 4: Yeah, but it's a clear understanding of what's happening, because
Speaker 4: you might it might be a grass is greener. You
Speaker 4: might go out and have that and be like, I
Speaker 4: still have a stronger connection with this man.
Speaker 2: That I married. I don't know. Yeah, but I think
Speaker 2: that you need you need that, you need that.
Speaker 4: And I think you've acknowledged it within yourself, which is
Speaker 4: a huge part of this, and you he knows this.
Speaker 4: I think Mark's right. You sit down and have a
Speaker 4: really hard conversation about it, and we are rooting for you.
Speaker 3: Yes, we are all right.
Speaker 5: I'm gonna tease the next one. Oh, we tease this
Speaker 5: one because it's a better tease. Okay, A Day one
Speaker 5: scrubber says she no longer loves her husband. Next.
Speaker 2: All right, we're back.
Speaker 5: These are really interesting emails this week.
Speaker 4: Yeah, like, we're really sorry that y'all are going through
Speaker 4: like really hard times, really, but we appreciate that you
Speaker 4: trust us.
Speaker 5: This is another tough one. Day one scrubber. My husband
Speaker 5: and I have been married for eleven years, together for sixteen.
Speaker 5: Now that's the situation. Side note from me. Seems like
Speaker 5: after sixteen years together, you're solid, you're good, you know
Speaker 5: what's going on. Right. Not the case here, She says,
Speaker 5: I've realized that I'm just not in love with him anymore,
Speaker 5: and I don't know what to do. Our life is great.
Speaker 5: We have three beautiful children. We are great partners and teammates,
Speaker 5: taking care of the house and the kids and all
Speaker 5: of their thousands of activities. I love him wholeheartedly as
Speaker 5: a human and the person he is. I admire him,
Speaker 5: I respect him. We are intimate several times a week.
Speaker 5: We spend tons of time together the as a family.
Speaker 3: That's great.
Speaker 5: I feel like I'm living a lie. I put on
Speaker 5: a happy face, but I just don't feel like I
Speaker 5: am in love with my husband anymore, and I just
Speaker 5: don't know what to do about it. He basically gives
Speaker 5: me the ick way more than I'd like to admit.
Speaker 5: I often think about divorce and I feel like I'd
Speaker 5: be okay with it, honestly, But then I think about
Speaker 5: people who stay in much worse relationships for longer and
Speaker 5: wonder if I'm just being selfish. I have felt this
Speaker 5: way for almost two and a half years now. I
Speaker 5: feel like a cop out having these thoughts, But I
Speaker 5: also feel like our relationship has run its course and
Speaker 5: she'd be okay to move on. I'm not even sure
Speaker 5: what I'm looking for here, but any advice or thought
Speaker 5: to be appreciated. I love this podcast so much, Sincerely,
Speaker 5: a day one scrubber.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. If there's anything that the
Speaker 1: show nobody wants, this has taught me, it's that the
Speaker 1: itck can be reversed.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: This to me, I'm just gonna say it, this sounds
Speaker 1: like a lovely situation. You've gotten the ick, you've had
Speaker 1: it for two point five years.
Speaker 2: Two point five years is a long time.
Speaker 1: Not but have you actively day one scrubber tried to
Speaker 1: reverse the ick? Have we talked to a therapist? Have
Speaker 1: you sat down with your husband? Have you worked on
Speaker 1: trying to reverse that? Because what if you can reverse
Speaker 1: the dick and then you have such a beautiful you
Speaker 1: have sixteen more years left. I don't think this is
Speaker 1: I don't think this is I don't think it's over.
Speaker 4: If I had the ick for two point five years
Speaker 4: and then someone was saying I have sixteen years left,
Speaker 4: that sounds daunting.
Speaker 3: However, reverse it.
Speaker 4: However, I do think that if you haven't done everything
Speaker 4: you can, I feel like you have a good thing.
Speaker 4: And I'm just saying like in terms of like, it
Speaker 4: seems like y'all have a good partnership, you.
Speaker 3: Have kids together, sex all the time.
Speaker 2: But it doesn't sound like she is like I think
Speaker 2: she's She.
Speaker 5: Said we're intimate several times a week.
Speaker 4: She doesn't say from someone, then.
Speaker 5: Well, I think it would have slowed down, wouldn't it
Speaker 5: If she's that grossed out, people please her and is like,
Speaker 5: this is I'm the only one of us that's been
Speaker 5: in a relationship this long. Oh my god, twenty seven years.
Speaker 5: I guarantee you. I give my wife the from time
Speaker 5: to time. I guarantee it. It's been a long time together.
Speaker 5: And this is the comparison I've made before on this show.
Speaker 5: There's Mark and Amy, there's Mom and dad. Mom and
Speaker 5: Dad bicker, they don't get along all the time. The
Speaker 5: drivers are the crazy. Mark and Amy are super in love,
Speaker 5: and you go back and forth between the two. I
Speaker 5: think you two are really stuck in mom and dad mode,
Speaker 5: and you need to find time to get to you
Speaker 5: and him as the couple you were that you fell
Speaker 5: in love with once upon a time. I agree with
Speaker 5: Tanya that I think this could be salvage. I think
Speaker 5: you're maybe focusing on some of his more negative qualities
Speaker 5: and maybe you've lost sight of some of the ones
Speaker 5: that you fell in love with.
Speaker 4: You.
Speaker 3: Yeah, because like.
Speaker 1: When you do get the ick, you fixate on that ick,
Speaker 1: and like everything that they subsequently do post ick makes
Speaker 1: you feel even ickier. So I feel like you're just
Speaker 1: like spiraling in the ick and like you're not seeing
Speaker 1: the forest in the trees.
Speaker 4: Maybe being in the ick indefinitely is being in the
Speaker 4: spiral of the ick is.
Speaker 3: Dark for two point five years.
Speaker 4: It's like being in the eye of the hurricane for Yeah,
Speaker 4: and he's a good dude.
Speaker 2: Here's my thing.
Speaker 5: Clearly he's a good dude.
Speaker 2: I think. I agree.
Speaker 4: I think it's like they're stuck in this mop parent
Speaker 4: mode and it's like, what were the things about him
Speaker 4: when y'all started dating?
Speaker 2: Maybe y'all go on dates.
Speaker 4: Maybe what is I guess it's like some IX can
Speaker 4: be reversed, like what are the ickxs? Is that personality X?
Speaker 4: Is it what he looks like? Physical IX? Like?
Speaker 3: What is a new wardrobe he's wearing?
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like are there things where you could step in
Speaker 4: and go like, hey, maybe if you styled your hair
Speaker 4: this way, just like things that maybe are.
Speaker 1: Simple and even voice it like that be like, oh
Speaker 1: my gosh, this new colonial wearing is giving me the
Speaker 1: ick coupled with these weird socks that you're wearing to
Speaker 1: bed at night, coupled with like.
Speaker 5: When you eat, it's that stuff. I guarantee it's that stuff.
Speaker 1: Whatever tell them be like they're giving me the ick,
Speaker 1: and I need you to be mindful of it, and
Speaker 1: like we need to I need to get back to
Speaker 1: like wanting you to blind.
Speaker 4: That's fair, needs you to be mindful of the absolute
Speaker 4: ick you're getting me. Yeah, I do think talking to
Speaker 4: a therapist would be like great, because I think maybe
Speaker 4: you can have your own time to say what you
Speaker 4: need to say, put it out in the open, figure
Speaker 4: out where there's that misconnection, and then maybe go in
Speaker 4: like romantic dates, do things that y'all did before you
Speaker 4: had kids.
Speaker 1: But I think the reason why it's lasted two point
Speaker 1: five years is because you've been keeping this to yourself.
Speaker 1: Clearly you're not sharing this. I think if you do
Speaker 1: open up, I don't I would not say the door
Speaker 1: that you thought about divorce, but like I would open
Speaker 1: up about the ick and like all of these things
Speaker 1: and just say like this is actually very serious and
Speaker 1: it's been like making me spiral and I kept it
Speaker 1: to myself.
Speaker 3: I really want to be open.
Speaker 1: I love you and I love our life, and so
Speaker 1: I want to like figure this out. And I think
Speaker 1: if he's receptive to it, I think you can find
Speaker 1: a path to forward and if he rejects it and
Speaker 1: he gets very like negative and like down, then you
Speaker 1: have another path to go down.
Speaker 4: Well, I think it's natural for a human if Haley
Speaker 4: is like, hey, you're really giving me the ick for
Speaker 4: two point five years, like my feelings would be her
Speaker 4: and I'd be like I would probably have a defensive reaction.
Speaker 4: So I think there is a very specific way it
Speaker 4: needs to be delivered. And that's why I think if
Speaker 4: you did it with a therapist or a counselor there
Speaker 4: could be a someone to navigate the conversation.
Speaker 3: We all know delivery is not mine strength. My strength.
Speaker 5: I think it'd be okay with divorce, But I think
Speaker 5: that's a grass is always greener situation.
Speaker 2: I think it's going to say too. I think you're
Speaker 2: going to get out there and you're going.
Speaker 3: To be like accentral out there, and.
Speaker 5: Then the kids are with him on the weekends and
Speaker 5: you're alone, and then you're seeing someone else starts being
Speaker 5: the mom to the kids when you're not around. You're
Speaker 5: not going to like any of that stuff, but she does.
Speaker 2: Then you've made the right decision.
Speaker 5: Yeah, if that sounds fine to you, Yeah, go for it,
Speaker 5: all right. This is from Taylor, longtime scrubber here still
Speaker 5: watching Gray's Anatomy and on season three of a current rewatch.
Speaker 5: The question of having kids has been weighing on me recently,
Speaker 5: and I feel like you always have some good perspectives
Speaker 5: and advice for me. I'm thirty three years old, i
Speaker 5: got married earlier this year, and I've always said I
Speaker 5: wanted kids, But now as it gets closer to becoming
Speaker 5: a reality, I'm questioning it. I'm not an overly baby
Speaker 5: loving person. If someone has a baby, I don't need
Speaker 5: to hold it necessarily. I'd rather be petting the dog
Speaker 5: at a party than interacting with a child. Will this
Speaker 5: make me a bad mom? Well? I like my own child.
Speaker 5: Do I have to love babies to want a baby?
Speaker 5: How do you have children and balance a career. I've
Speaker 5: spent so much of my left getting an education undergraduate PhD.
Speaker 5: I feel like I'm just getting into the groove of
Speaker 5: my career. I grew up at the stay at home
Speaker 5: mom and it was amazing. But how do I give
Speaker 5: up my career? Or what if my having kids makes
Speaker 5: me want to give up my career? Did I waste
Speaker 5: all that time at school? I'm also the breadwinner at this,
Speaker 5: so finance is weigh on me too, Tanya, you are
Speaker 5: very excited to have a baby. Do you worry about
Speaker 5: balancing your career that you also love? Becca, I don't
Speaker 5: remember where you stand on it for when you want
Speaker 5: to have kids, baby you can relate since you don't
Speaker 5: seem baby as baby enthusiastic as Tanya Mark. How did
Speaker 5: you and your wife decide when to have kids?
Speaker 3: That's Taylor, It's lots of unpack here.
Speaker 4: I don't I have read actually from Scrubbers in the
Speaker 4: Facebook group like this. I remember i Scrubber posted. I
Speaker 4: literally have felt like being a mom was my absolute purpose.
Speaker 4: All I wanted to do is be a mom, have kids.
Speaker 4: I've loved babies. I'm maternal, and I'm having the hardest
Speaker 4: time feeling like I am a good mom. And I
Speaker 4: think that no matter where you stand on where you
Speaker 4: if you love babies, if you love interacting with kids,
Speaker 4: I don't think that that's going to make you a
Speaker 4: good mom or a bad mom. I think when you
Speaker 4: have a child, it's going to be an obsessive love
Speaker 4: that you've never experienced. That's the one thing that's consistent
Speaker 4: when I ask people about kids is like it's a
Speaker 4: love like you've never had before. I'm very specific as
Speaker 4: what dogs I like, Like I'm very choosy, like I
Speaker 4: love all dogs. I love animals, but I'm very like
Speaker 4: which one am I going to interact with.
Speaker 2: I'm obsessed with Phoebe. Phoebe's like can do no wrong.
Speaker 4: And I know I would be the same way with
Speaker 4: a child, but I also have my reservations about it.
Speaker 4: I'm very like torn on if or when I want
Speaker 4: to have kids, but I have a very natural maternal instinct.
Speaker 4: I love babies, Like if someone has a baby on
Speaker 4: a plane, it takes everything in me not to be
Speaker 4: like interact, wanting to interact.
Speaker 3: With the baby.
Speaker 4: I love them. Yeah, and I love kids, and I know, like, honestly,
Speaker 4: Haley and I have talked about this that if we
Speaker 4: had kids, I think that she would get jealous because
Speaker 4: of the amount of attention I would get. I think
Speaker 4: it would be a very intense, really like love for me.
Speaker 3: Yeah, Like I feel very strongly are you crying?
Speaker 2: No, you can?
Speaker 5: I really helpful of the podcast right now.
Speaker 3: Emotional.
Speaker 1: It's so interesting because I feel like I can totally
Speaker 1: relate to what you're saying. I've always I've known that
Speaker 1: I've always wanted to have kids from birth, Like I
Speaker 1: don't know, like I was. It was always something that
Speaker 1: I knew was in me, Like I just have always been.
Speaker 1: Like I love like I am like kind of a
Speaker 1: homemaker in a weird way, not really like I don't
Speaker 1: like cook and clean and like in that way.
Speaker 3: But I love like home. I love having like a
Speaker 3: cozy home. I love that.
Speaker 1: Like that making sense, Okay, However, the thing about the
Speaker 1: career is such an interesting thing because I feel like
Speaker 1: it's such a mind because I've talked to women in
Speaker 1: this specific industry, in the entertainment industry that have had
Speaker 1: children and going on maternity leave and and like, you
Speaker 1: go into this vortex of keeping this like child alive
Speaker 1: and like being so out of your day to day,
Speaker 1: and especially in the entertainment industry, it's very cutthroat.
Speaker 3: You're always made to.
Speaker 1: Feel like you need to watch your back and you
Speaker 1: need to say yes to everything because if you don't like,
Speaker 1: your job can get snagged in two seconds. And so
Speaker 1: we're always made to feel, especially as women, that we
Speaker 1: are replaceable, interchangeable, disposable. And so when you go on
Speaker 1: maternity leave and then you come back. It's just like
Speaker 1: it's so hard. It's really really hard. And I don't
Speaker 1: think enough women that work in the entertainment industry especially,
Speaker 1: and imagine it's like this in every industry. This is
Speaker 1: the only thing that I know because that's what I'm in.
Speaker 1: But it's very hard, and I think it stops a
Speaker 1: lot of women from having kids because they're scared to
Speaker 1: step away from their positions. So it is definitely something
Speaker 1: that I've thought about, but it doesn't it's that doesn't
Speaker 1: outweigh me wanting to have a baby, you know, like
Speaker 1: I would never not have a baby because I'm fearful
Speaker 1: of my job, and so that's kind of where I
Speaker 1: stand on that. But it is interesting because I do
Speaker 1: feel like I have conversations with Robbie about it all
Speaker 1: the time because I'm like, it does shift the dynamic
Speaker 1: because that's you know, like the kids that we have
Speaker 1: now are ten and twelve. We don't have to shower that,
Speaker 1: you know, we just have to like think, you know
Speaker 1: what I mean, Like it's just a totally different dynamic.
Speaker 1: And so when like I just feel like it's gonna
Speaker 1: shift things a lot, and I'm like trying to like
Speaker 1: prepare for it as much as possible ahead of time,
Speaker 1: because I just feel like it is a big shift.
Speaker 5: Yeah, to answer the question to me, we you know,
Speaker 5: we're traditional, I guess you know, we kind of. I
Speaker 5: think Amy was a little lukewarmon kids, a little unsure.
Speaker 5: I guess I should say when we first got marricause
Speaker 5: she was very young. But then it just she she
Speaker 5: approached me. I remember her saying it's time to start trying.
Speaker 5: It was like, oh, I hadn't even really thought about that. Okay, yeah, great,
Speaker 5: let's let's do that. Because it was always so oft
Speaker 5: in the future somewhere and then and then we were
Speaker 5: very fortunate. We had two wonderful daughters. And like saying,
Speaker 5: like Becka alluded to, you think you have a pretty
Speaker 5: good idea right now what love feels like, but you
Speaker 5: really don't. You have no idea what love feels like
Speaker 5: until you're holding that child in your arm. So I
Speaker 5: think you would like your child. I think you'd be
Speaker 5: a great mom, and nothing that you've told us and
Speaker 5: indicates otherwise. But it's such a personal decision and I
Speaker 5: don't think anybody should be pressured into it because it's
Speaker 5: twenty twenty four, and they're both sides of that coin.
Speaker 5: If you want your career and your child, you can
Speaker 5: have that. The other side of the coin is if
Speaker 5: you don't want to do this, you don't have to
Speaker 5: do this, and it's just fine.
Speaker 1: So I also think not wanting to hold other people's
Speaker 1: babies is not an indication, not at all that you
Speaker 1: shouldn't be a mom, because I mean, I like babies,
Speaker 1: but like, I don't need to hold every baby.
Speaker 5: My thing was always there's no upside to me holding
Speaker 5: a baby. There's only tragic downside. So I'm just gonna
Speaker 5: leave it be.
Speaker 4: See, I'm the opposite babies. I'm like, any baby, hit me,
Speaker 4: any baby. It's when they get to be a kid
Speaker 4: that I'm like, I'm very selective.
Speaker 2: That's my issue.
Speaker 4: I'm like, I would have it have to be my
Speaker 4: own because I'd be like kids can be like the
Speaker 4: germs and stuff.
Speaker 3: No, no, no, germs were hard for me. Yeah, germs
Speaker 3: were hard.
Speaker 1: The germs the like wow, from living in a museum
Speaker 1: and the apartment museum where nothing gets touched, everything is
Speaker 1: clean and its place, to having two children that like, yeah,
Speaker 1: are constantly having some sickness back and forth and bringing
Speaker 1: it from school and.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's it's it's it's a it's a shift.
Speaker 4: But I'm very with you on Taylor. I'm very with
Speaker 4: you because I thought my whole life I would be
Speaker 4: married with kids by twenty five. My life has gone
Speaker 4: in a very direct different direction in like the best way.
Speaker 4: But I think that it's hard because there is an
Speaker 4: age pressure that you have to consider and it's so annoying.
Speaker 1: But it is men just like ejaculate whenever it's fine
Speaker 1: and women.
Speaker 4: Men just like get to like have pleasure and then
Speaker 4: it's like okay, yeah, anyways.
Speaker 1: You're right, even like during the whole IVF process. I again,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to speak out of out of because
Speaker 1: I haven't done it myself, but from what I have heard,
Speaker 1: it's very hard on the woman. You have to do
Speaker 1: so much, You're putting so much in your body, and
Speaker 1: the man just like pleasures himself.
Speaker 3: Into a cup.
Speaker 1: Like what Yeah, that's for another that's another fun for
Speaker 1: another day, another book.
Speaker 5: Uh, before before we go to break, we have another
Speaker 5: thought starter. Oh we like to end the Dear BONDI
Speaker 5: is with a thought starter and we have one for
Speaker 5: us coming up involves a Wife Swap. All right, this
Speaker 5: is from Courtney. This is fun. If you remember the
Speaker 5: reality show from the way back when Wife Swap, two
Speaker 5: couples with swap partners for a week or so lived together.
Speaker 5: If Tanya and Becca swapt partners for a week, obviously
Speaker 5: in a non romantic, non sexual way, Robbie lived with Tanya,
Speaker 5: Haley live with Sorry, Robbie live with Becca, Haley live
Speaker 5: with Tanya. What do they think it would be like?
Speaker 5: What would they do together? What would they eat for meals?
Speaker 5: What would annoy them about the other person? What would
Speaker 5: they fight about? What would they enjoy? Basically, how do
Speaker 5: they think it would go if they had to live
Speaker 5: with each other's partner for a week straight? Thank you
Speaker 5: for so many laughs over the years.
Speaker 3: Who should we start with? Me and Haley?
Speaker 1: Yeah, Haley seems to work a lot, so I think
Speaker 1: i'd be lonely. Yeah, like I need her for every meal.
Speaker 4: We're both pretty like needy for conversations and stuff. So
Speaker 4: I think when she got home she would really have
Speaker 4: a lot of y'all eat like she would be happy
Speaker 4: to eat, like healthy.
Speaker 3: Food meals we would have together for you, Sure.
Speaker 2: I would have some home cooked meals and.
Speaker 3: Enjoy watching the same shows.
Speaker 4: I don't think so, Like she doesn't like Love Island.
Speaker 4: She would probably like Survivor, though, I think she'd be
Speaker 4: into Survivor.
Speaker 3: Okay, so I think I don't be pretty.
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think her messiness would annoy me a little bit.
Speaker 2: Yes, I agree, So you'd fight about that.
Speaker 5: We probably find about the kind of messiness of their
Speaker 5: clothes left around and shoes, Like Tiny's complaining about Robbie
Speaker 5: leaving your shoes.
Speaker 4: Yeah, Like she leaves her shoes at the like there's
Speaker 4: like three and if there's one pair, she's like, oh,
Speaker 4: those are the shoes on word of Mars, I'm like whatever.
Speaker 4: But when there's three pairs, I'm like, well, which which
Speaker 4: three are you? Which of the three? What about the
Speaker 4: other two?
Speaker 5: And where where does she leave the ones for tomorrow?
Speaker 5: By the door?
Speaker 2: Yeah? Right by the door.
Speaker 5: And sometimes there's three by the door. Yeah yeah wow.
Speaker 4: And like sometimes it's like boots so they're not small
Speaker 4: little wow.
Speaker 1: You know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm messy too.
Speaker 4: I mean I I say stuff sometimes where it's like
Speaker 4: if people are my biggest thing is if people are
Speaker 4: coming over, she's the one who invited them. I'm like,
Speaker 4: then let's pick up the space because I want it
Speaker 4: to be presentable if someone's coming over. I get stressed
Speaker 4: if someone comes over, like unannounced and like the house
Speaker 4: is a mess, But I also am fine living who's.
Speaker 5: Coming over and announced? These days? Is that a thing
Speaker 5: that happens because it used to be a thing that happened, generation.
Speaker 4: Happens sometimes be surprised. Okay, So yeah, I think that
Speaker 4: would be fine. She might be like Tanya, like won't stop.
Speaker 3: Talking, but like Haley won't stop talking.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I could go either way. I think Robbie and
Speaker 2: I would be I think we have a great time.
Speaker 5: I feel like we guys might want to consider this, honestly.
Speaker 2: Ball the basketball.
Speaker 3: Yeah, he would enjoy it. He would enjoy the activities
Speaker 3: that you've partake in.
Speaker 2: No, he grills. Girl, may have some shrimp and steak.
Speaker 1: You'd be fine, like a king, Yeah I do.
Speaker 3: I will say that is one trade at time.
Speaker 4: Would get a little dicey because I feel like he
Speaker 4: will go to sleep early and I'm a little more
Speaker 4: of a night out. But that's okay. I'm chilling down
Speaker 4: on the couch.
Speaker 3: So yeah, I.
Speaker 4: Could go play football with the boys. Like, yeah, I
Speaker 4: feel like we'd be great. Let me know if you
Speaker 4: want to.
Speaker 1: Is there anything you get annoyed. I know he's pretty clean.
Speaker 1: He might get annoyed about your with your like not cleanly.
Speaker 2: I'd be on my best behavior.
Speaker 3: Okay, okay, well that's good.
Speaker 2: Yeah, but he.
Speaker 5: Does leave his shoes everywhere. She brought this up.
Speaker 2: That's my thing.
Speaker 4: Though I'm more messy, like I do the dishes. I
Speaker 4: might clean in the sense that, like I wipe down
Speaker 4: the counters every time, like it's more just stuff, you know.
Speaker 1: I realized with that I need to be more appreciative
Speaker 1: of how far we have come with Robbie and myself,
Speaker 1: you know, come a long way from day one, where
Speaker 1: I will never forget the first time I entered his
Speaker 1: home and it was like a weekend that he had
Speaker 1: the kids, and there were dishes literally piled all over,
Speaker 1: Like there was not one piece of the kitchen counter
Speaker 1: that you could see because there was just dishes. And
Speaker 1: I will never forget that.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's jarring.
Speaker 3: Yes, it was jarring.
Speaker 5: And we have come a long way because it was
Speaker 5: basically a bachelor pad at that point.
Speaker 3: Yeah, and it's so funny.
Speaker 1: I remember the first weekend I like went on a
Speaker 1: trip without him, and I left him at home with
Speaker 1: the kids one weekend and I was like, I'm just
Speaker 1: going to say this because I don't want to come
Speaker 1: home on Sunday and like be angry. I'm very anxious
Speaker 1: that you're just going to leave all the dishes in
Speaker 1: the sink because you know, like I think he does
Speaker 1: it because I'm around and we help. You know, we
Speaker 1: both pitch in and we both do it. But if
Speaker 1: I'm not around, I can just see it all stack.
Speaker 5: And he has a dishwasher, I assume.
Speaker 3: Yes, we don't really use it though, Ah.
Speaker 1: I know, I know, I know have a thing dish
Speaker 1: washers thing too.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't think it gets it clean as.
Speaker 2: Clean hand clean.
Speaker 5: Oh that's interesting.
Speaker 3: It's not as clean as my hand.
Speaker 5: You don't know that. And then and if they tested it,
Speaker 5: it's probably not the case.
Speaker 2: I'm pretty thorough with my cleaning me too.
Speaker 1: I'd rather a really nice clean thing that I'm going
Speaker 1: to eat out of than like it running through some water.
Speaker 5: I don't think it's just running through water. I think
Speaker 5: there's a process and there's a heat involved that kills
Speaker 5: a lot of bacteria that you're not going to.
Speaker 2: Get to Yeah, it would be easier on me if
Speaker 2: I just throw it in the dishwasher.
Speaker 3: But las I do be scrubbing, scrubbing, be scrubbing too.
Speaker 5: That's interesting.
Speaker 3: Many ways.
Speaker 1: So I did I express that to him, And when
Speaker 1: I came home, and he would like send me pictures
Speaker 1: out the weekend of like all the dishes done this weekend.
Speaker 3: No, this was I can't remember what this was.
Speaker 1: He would send me pictures of like the dishes and
Speaker 1: the clean section of the same there.
Speaker 3: Yeah, so I've come, we have come a very long way.
Speaker 1: And if there are some shoes scattered around the bedroom,
Speaker 1: it's our bedroom.
Speaker 3: Who's going in there besides the two of us?
Speaker 1: You know?
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, the bedroom. I'm like, what you can do?
Speaker 2: Leave whatever?
Speaker 4: I got home and I had stuff everywhere from trying
Speaker 4: to pack for Vegas and then needing to unpack from Vegas.
Speaker 4: And I was like, she had her three shoes by
Speaker 4: the door, and I'm like, how can I tell her
Speaker 4: or say anything about these three shoes when the room
Speaker 4: looks like a disaster.
Speaker 1: So what I do is he leaves any clothing anywhere,
Speaker 1: it just goes immediately in the dirty laundry, it just
Speaker 1: goes in the dirty laundry, and I'll be like, where
Speaker 1: is my where's my black sweater that was on the
Speaker 1: chair that I'm taking to dinner tonight.
Speaker 3: I'm like, was it unfolded in your closet? Then it's
Speaker 3: in the hamper. It wasn't dirty.
Speaker 5: But what about that stuff, the stuff that's that's clean
Speaker 5: but not dirt. It's worn but not dirty.
Speaker 3: So to me, if it's been worn, it's dirty.
Speaker 5: One time, it's not dirty, Yes it is.
Speaker 3: It's outside of my house.
Speaker 4: If it's a sweater like blazer, that's one thing, right.
Speaker 4: If it's a hoodie, it's dirty.
Speaker 1: Dirty if it goes outside these walls of my home
Speaker 1: and it touches the air dirty.
Speaker 5: Yeah.
Speaker 2: If Haley's weren't it all day for work? It's dirty?
Speaker 5: Yes, sure, all day. But I might just throw on
Speaker 5: a hoodie to go out, you know, I don't run
Speaker 5: an errand or something. If it's cold out and that's it.
Speaker 3: Yeah, then it goes in the hamper.
Speaker 5: Wow.
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm the same.
Speaker 3: Yeah. He has like a resting chair where it's like
Speaker 3: before bed every night. Oh yeah, okay, oh my gosh.
Speaker 3: I would not allow the filth of the day.
Speaker 4: And can't there are people who do that, all right,
Speaker 4: all right, Oh, like I feel like we would have
Speaker 4: an easy transition.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Like I don't think it would be a shock.
Speaker 3: It would be hard for me not to have the meals, honestly.
Speaker 4: Yeah, because Haley Haley, when she cooks, it's really good.
Speaker 2: She just doesn't do it a lot.
Speaker 3: Yeah, like Robbie can just like whip up stay like
Speaker 3: he can.
Speaker 2: Just whipped me coming back, just like.
Speaker 3: It's really nice.
Speaker 1: It's something I didn't know I needed in a partner. Like,
Speaker 1: never once in my checklist of finding a partner did
Speaker 1: I put like needs to cook or good with meats
Speaker 1: and shrimps.
Speaker 3: And it is a blessing.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's a good it's a good gift.
Speaker 3: Yeah.
Speaker 2: All right, Well that's all for now.
Speaker 4: If y'all ever want to send in bonio questions, message
Speaker 4: us on Instagram at scrubbing in pod or email us
Speaker 4: at scrubbing In at iHeartMedia dot com.
Speaker 2: We love you so much, love you, bye bye,