WEBVTT - Dear Banya: Wife Swap 0:00:00.760 --> 0:00:05.000 Scrubbing In with Becca Tilly and Tanya rap An iHeartRadio podcast. 0:00:08.640 --> 0:00:10.959 Hello, everybody, we are scrubbing in. 0:00:13.080 --> 0:00:16.760 H dub dub in the tub tub tub. 0:00:17.400 --> 0:00:22.680 It's dear Bonya, dear b A n y a. 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:26.279 B A n my a b A and my and Banya. 0:00:26.360 --> 0:00:29.480 What's her name? Oh that's cute. 0:00:29.800 --> 0:00:31.400 I'm gonna say we should think of like a jingle 0:00:31.440 --> 0:00:33.959 for rub Banya, like here's our dear Banya. 0:00:34.200 --> 0:00:34.720 That was good. 0:00:35.200 --> 0:00:37.320 Yeah, but that was a that was a form like 0:00:37.560 --> 0:00:38.480 we just stole. 0:00:38.240 --> 0:00:39.960 That, I know, but it like worked perfectly. 0:00:40.120 --> 0:00:43.240 Yeahs amount of letters. Yeah, well that'll be interim. 0:00:43.560 --> 0:00:47.160 B A n y A. Well, how does it start? 0:00:47.200 --> 0:00:49.560 How does it a? 0:00:50.680 --> 0:00:54.120 There was a scrubber with the question and she wrote 0:00:54.160 --> 0:00:55.320 it into the email. 0:00:55.560 --> 0:00:59.680 B A y b A n y A b. 0:00:59.360 --> 0:01:02.440 A and and Bonya was her name. Oh, there was 0:01:02.480 --> 0:01:05.920 a scrubber who had a question. Anonymous was her name? 0:01:08.720 --> 0:01:12.920 Anyway, a way and Bonya was her name. 0:01:13.840 --> 0:01:14.479 It's pretty good. 0:01:14.760 --> 0:01:18.960 I think there's potential. It rolls it cooksa, we got it. 0:01:19.600 --> 0:01:20.240 The chorus. 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:25.560 There's no notes. The versus in her tweaks, Yeah, minor 0:01:25.600 --> 0:01:26.400 tweaks here and there. 0:01:26.880 --> 0:01:28.479 We'll cook on it. We'll cook it. 0:01:28.520 --> 0:01:29.320 Is that your new thing? 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:31.960 Yeah, everybody's talking about it, they said on Survivor the 0:01:31.959 --> 0:01:32.280 other day. 0:01:32.280 --> 0:01:33.480 I was like, we'll cook it. 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:35.120 Well, cook, I'll let you. 0:01:35.120 --> 0:01:37.080 We'll let you cook, like, let you do your thing, 0:01:38.360 --> 0:01:40.400 all right, So let us cook. 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:41.440 Let us cook. 0:01:41.560 --> 0:01:44.319 It's timed for dear Bonya, and we're ready to cook 0:01:44.720 --> 0:01:45.520 and give advice. 0:01:45.720 --> 0:01:47.880 I think this one's anonymous. I have an older cousin 0:01:47.880 --> 0:01:51.240 who's my best, best best friend. I was made of honor. 0:01:51.280 --> 0:01:52.960 We talked twenty four seven. I spent a lot of 0:01:53.040 --> 0:01:55.440 time third wheeling. She and her husband, whom I also 0:01:55.560 --> 0:01:58.680 love him. She recently told me a secret. They are 0:01:58.720 --> 0:02:01.480 in an open relationship. She's had a boyfriend of six months, 0:02:01.480 --> 0:02:03.680 and her husband's very much aware of it and supports it. 0:02:04.280 --> 0:02:06.160 She goes on dates with him, she has sex with him, 0:02:06.200 --> 0:02:08.480 She tells him, I love you. You can imagine my 0:02:08.560 --> 0:02:10.520 shock and confusion as she was telling me this. 0:02:10.600 --> 0:02:10.720 Now. 0:02:10.800 --> 0:02:13.200 Number one, this isn't traditional, so that's what shocked me. 0:02:13.240 --> 0:02:15.480 And two, how's this been going on for six months 0:02:15.520 --> 0:02:17.800 without me knowing? She told me she was terrified to 0:02:17.800 --> 0:02:20.040 tell me because she knew was a unique situation. So 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:22.760 I tried my best to be supportive and understanding, but 0:02:22.800 --> 0:02:24.960 I feel awkward around them because I know the secret 0:02:25.000 --> 0:02:27.200 and no one else knows amongst their friends and family. 0:02:27.800 --> 0:02:30.120 How can I act normal around them? Moving forward? What 0:02:30.160 --> 0:02:31.600 do I say to her when she brings up her 0:02:31.639 --> 0:02:34.160 new boyfriend? I feel like I'm being so awkward when 0:02:34.160 --> 0:02:36.200 I want to be supportive of her and their choices, 0:02:36.480 --> 0:02:38.560 even if it's something I wouldn't be comfortable with. 0:02:38.960 --> 0:02:46.160 Help, you know, the help feels very help. 0:02:46.200 --> 0:02:49.200 I suck at dating, you know, it really is. Yeah, 0:02:49.240 --> 0:02:50.560 and so that's a different post. 0:02:50.560 --> 0:02:52.959 I stop doing that. Okay, fair enough, it's kind of 0:02:52.960 --> 0:02:57.760 my thing, but I'll stop in that way. You know, 0:02:57.760 --> 0:03:03.639 it's like my catchphrase. But doing that, I agree with you. 0:03:03.639 --> 0:03:06.119 Go good, everything good. 0:03:07.360 --> 0:03:08.600 We work together too much. 0:03:09.919 --> 0:03:12.839 I'm like, I literally would never have known that. 0:03:13.639 --> 0:03:16.360 Yeah, that's how they do all theirs. It's actually not 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:17.200 called that anymore though. 0:03:17.360 --> 0:03:19.560 No, it's been a few different titles since then. Yeah, 0:03:19.760 --> 0:03:22.640 now it's Suckers okay, and they're not currently in production. 0:03:22.880 --> 0:03:27.160 Oh wow, okay, all right, Well anyway, anyway. 0:03:27.560 --> 0:03:29.400 So here's my thing. 0:03:29.800 --> 0:03:32.840 I think you're totally valid at being surprised and shocked 0:03:32.880 --> 0:03:35.160 by this and also know like being like, how did 0:03:35.160 --> 0:03:37.520 I not know about this for six months? And I 0:03:37.520 --> 0:03:40.760 also understand being a little awkward around it, like navigating it. 0:03:40.800 --> 0:03:43.600 But I think what's what it is is when you 0:03:44.480 --> 0:03:48.280 when something new comes around, there can be that awkward 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:51.080 adjustment period, but this is their relationship. 0:03:51.160 --> 0:03:52.480 You love them. 0:03:52.720 --> 0:03:55.800 Me personally, I could never do that, be in an 0:03:55.800 --> 0:03:59.760 open relationship and have that, but that's them, that's not 0:04:00.040 --> 0:04:02.080 it's not my life, it's not your life. And so 0:04:02.160 --> 0:04:05.520 I think that if they're happy and they're sharing it 0:04:05.560 --> 0:04:07.520 with you, I think it's just it's almost like you're 0:04:07.600 --> 0:04:09.200 learning something new and you don't know how to be 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:11.440 around it, but you're doing your best, and I think 0:04:11.480 --> 0:04:13.720 at it at some point you'll adjust to being comfortable 0:04:13.760 --> 0:04:15.400 with it because it'll just be like, it is what 0:04:15.440 --> 0:04:15.760 it is. 0:04:16.120 --> 0:04:19.200 I'm just curious what you feel awkward about, because. 0:04:20.400 --> 0:04:21.000 I think it's just. 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:25.880 Values and like thinking you know someone and then probably 0:04:25.920 --> 0:04:29.919 feeling like I would never think she would be into this, right. 0:04:29.760 --> 0:04:31.280 And I guess maybe you're awkward because you don't know 0:04:31.320 --> 0:04:32.920 like what to ask, like do you ask like how 0:04:32.920 --> 0:04:33.760 are things with your husband? 0:04:33.839 --> 0:04:35.839 Or do you ask how are things with your boyfriend. 0:04:35.880 --> 0:04:37.240 Just how are things How are things with you? 0:04:37.440 --> 0:04:37.600 Right? 0:04:38.400 --> 0:04:40.920 Yeah? I would that, I was going to say, I 0:04:40.960 --> 0:04:43.240 would be asking all the questions. 0:04:43.600 --> 0:04:45.160 Yeah, I would be asking all the questions. 0:04:44.880 --> 0:04:47.120 Like how did y'all come to terms with this? Like 0:04:47.240 --> 0:04:50.840 what was the conversation? Like did you need to did. 0:04:50.360 --> 0:04:52.159 You agree to this before you got married? Or was 0:04:52.200 --> 0:04:53.080 this post marriage? 0:04:53.240 --> 0:04:53.520 Yeah? 0:04:53.560 --> 0:04:55.840 Great, there's so many questions. I think you just open 0:04:55.920 --> 0:04:58.719 up if you because you probably feel awkward because you 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:01.200 have questions that you'd aren't sure you can ask, and 0:05:01.240 --> 0:05:03.599 I think you are in a position where you're she 0:05:03.680 --> 0:05:06.200 probably would be happy to answer your questions and share 0:05:06.240 --> 0:05:08.200 with you, because she's probably just been keeping it inside 0:05:08.240 --> 0:05:08.760 and not having it. 0:05:08.800 --> 0:05:09.400 Tan to talk to her. 0:05:09.600 --> 0:05:11.240 Because she talked about it. She put all of this 0:05:11.279 --> 0:05:14.240 out of the table for you. You also put everything out 0:05:14.240 --> 0:05:16.760 of the table that you're feeling, all the confusion, all 0:05:16.800 --> 0:05:19.960 the questions you have, all the if you're uncomfortable with it, 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:22.000 say I gotta tell you, I'm not comfortable with this, 0:05:22.040 --> 0:05:23.479 but I'm going to try because I love you and 0:05:23.480 --> 0:05:25.760 i'm your best friend and we're gonna and I want 0:05:25.760 --> 0:05:28.000 to be there for you. It's the things you said 0:05:28.000 --> 0:05:29.320 to us right here. I think you got to tell 0:05:29.360 --> 0:05:30.240 her a lot of this stuff. 0:05:30.400 --> 0:05:32.440 Yeah, and like, I'm wondering if maybe, if there's a 0:05:32.440 --> 0:05:35.919 little bit of you, like, do other people envy their relationship, 0:05:35.920 --> 0:05:38.360 because I'm wondering if like maybe like other friends, like, oh, 0:05:38.480 --> 0:05:41.520 I really wish that our marriage was like Sally and Ben's. 0:05:41.600 --> 0:05:43.960 You know, like they seem like they haven't really figured 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:45.839 out and then you know this like big secret. 0:05:46.040 --> 0:05:47.279 Yeah, that's probably annoying. 0:05:47.520 --> 0:05:48.239 That's probably annoying. 0:05:48.760 --> 0:05:52.720 Fun too, No, they're like they're so in love and 0:05:52.839 --> 0:05:54.279 happy and yeah. 0:05:54.200 --> 0:05:57.520 They're both doing other people at the same time. So 0:05:57.640 --> 0:05:58.680 you don't want that. 0:05:58.600 --> 0:06:00.839 I think, And honestly, I think the fact that it 0:06:00.880 --> 0:06:03.440 took her six months to tell you probably means that 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:05.680 she felt awkward about sharing it with you. So the 0:06:05.680 --> 0:06:08.000 fact that she did that, I think shows how much 0:06:08.000 --> 0:06:10.400 she loves you and trusts you, and I think that 0:06:10.720 --> 0:06:12.200 you can share the same honesty. 0:06:12.279 --> 0:06:13.760 Back to Hrling, Mark said. 0:06:13.640 --> 0:06:17.159 Yeah, Anonymous, I'm twenty seven, married to my husband for 0:06:17.240 --> 0:06:20.000 three years now. We've been together since we're fifteen. He's 0:06:20.000 --> 0:06:23.159 my best friend since elementary school. He's the best human 0:06:23.240 --> 0:06:27.600 I know. One large problem. I am a lesbian. My 0:06:27.760 --> 0:06:30.120 husband has known that I'm attracted to women since college, 0:06:30.200 --> 0:06:32.239 but I didn't come to terms with being attracted only 0:06:32.320 --> 0:06:34.920 to women until a couple of years ago. I've known 0:06:34.960 --> 0:06:37.080 I was attracted to women since around ninth grade, but 0:06:37.080 --> 0:06:39.000 I grew up in a conservative small town. I knew 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:40.560 that would never be an option for me, so I 0:06:40.680 --> 0:06:43.400 kind of posted far down. As I've gotten older, I 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:45.520 care less what those people think, and I want to 0:06:45.560 --> 0:06:48.520 experience a connection deeper than just a strong friendship. I 0:06:48.520 --> 0:06:51.039 feel for my husband, but I also can't stand the 0:06:51.040 --> 0:06:53.120 thought of losing him in my life, as well as 0:06:53.160 --> 0:06:55.840 his family, who I love so much. He knows I'm 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:58.040 a lesbian, but he still seems to think that one 0:06:58.120 --> 0:07:00.440 day I'll wake up and be attracted to him. But 0:07:00.480 --> 0:07:02.760 I can't blame him, because I too wish it was 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:06.120 that easy. One day, I feel like I can settle 0:07:06.120 --> 0:07:07.960 and be happy enough with our friendship in the life 0:07:07.960 --> 0:07:10.000 we have already built in other days, I can't imagine 0:07:10.040 --> 0:07:12.840 staying in a relationship without that passion and deeper connection. 0:07:13.240 --> 0:07:15.280 But I'm terrified of hurting those around me, and I 0:07:15.280 --> 0:07:18.560 feel so selfish and the advice or input is appreciated. 0:07:18.880 --> 0:07:21.840 Ps Becca's journey to acceptance has been such a big 0:07:21.920 --> 0:07:24.440 part of me coming to terms with my own sexuality 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:27.400 and realizing that the people who truly love me just 0:07:27.480 --> 0:07:28.440 want me to be happy. 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:29.760 Nice. 0:07:30.920 --> 0:07:35.080 Oh this is complicated. There's a part of me that's like, 0:07:35.400 --> 0:07:39.000 we worry so much about being selfish and in terms 0:07:39.040 --> 0:07:41.520 of what other people will say or hurting other people. 0:07:41.560 --> 0:07:44.760 But I just wonder if it's also selfish to stay 0:07:44.760 --> 0:07:49.200 in something where your husband isn't getting the affection or 0:07:50.040 --> 0:07:52.720 attention sexually from his partner. 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:55.480 To throw this out there, though, I do think that 0:07:55.520 --> 0:07:58.280 there are people that are in marriages that are just 0:07:58.440 --> 0:07:59.720 kind of like roommates. 0:08:00.160 --> 0:08:02.960 I think there's a sexuality base or not correct, That's 0:08:02.960 --> 0:08:05.360 what I'm saying. So it's like, this isn't the worst 0:08:05.440 --> 0:08:07.920 case scenario, Like you know, it's just not. 0:08:09.720 --> 0:08:12.000 You're saying, like just to stay in the marriage, and. 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:14.880 No, I'm saying for him, Oh yeah, like. 0:08:14.960 --> 0:08:17.040 Oh like he's he's probably just content with how it is. 0:08:17.200 --> 0:08:20.640 Yeah, I'm saying, take the sexuality out out of it. 0:08:20.680 --> 0:08:23.440 There are marriages and there are relationships out there people 0:08:23.480 --> 0:08:26.640 who just coexist together. They just like live life together 0:08:26.680 --> 0:08:28.440 and they like don't really have sex and they just 0:08:28.480 --> 0:08:29.600 like they're kind of like, really. 0:08:29.480 --> 0:08:34.400 If you're craving the relationship, having a sexual relationship with 0:08:34.480 --> 0:08:36.439 someone that you're attracted to and want. 0:08:36.200 --> 0:08:39.840 That way right then and that's not for you, right Yeah. 0:08:40.080 --> 0:08:43.600 So I'm just saying like, sometimes there I there's always 0:08:43.640 --> 0:08:46.760 this like back and forth of what's selfish, you know, 0:08:46.920 --> 0:08:49.960 like staying in something that you and your partner are 0:08:50.120 --> 0:08:53.720 getting the type of partnership you want from the marriage, 0:08:54.440 --> 0:08:58.520 or is selfish choosing yourself and hurting other people in 0:08:58.559 --> 0:09:00.280 the process. 0:09:00.840 --> 0:09:01.400 I don't know. 0:09:01.960 --> 0:09:03.600 I just think like, in ten years, are you going 0:09:03.640 --> 0:09:06.719 to wake up and kick yourself for not trying to 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:09.960 explore and find a relationship that ignites all of that 0:09:10.040 --> 0:09:10.360 in you. 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:13.320 That's what it was for me with I mean, not 0:09:13.480 --> 0:09:16.520 a very different situation, but when coming to term, when 0:09:16.600 --> 0:09:18.560 Haley and I came out with reading A Love and 0:09:18.679 --> 0:09:23.480 a Lot you did reading Seven Husbands of eve Oney, 0:09:23.520 --> 0:09:26.640 yougo was because a big part of that was she 0:09:26.679 --> 0:09:28.120 looked at the end of her life. She got to 0:09:28.120 --> 0:09:29.800 the end of her life and it was like all 0:09:29.840 --> 0:09:31.480 these thoughts of what could have been if she had 0:09:31.520 --> 0:09:34.040 just let herself love who she wanted to love. 0:09:34.320 --> 0:09:36.119 Yeah, and it's so powerful. 0:09:36.160 --> 0:09:40.480 And I do think there is a complication, you know, 0:09:40.520 --> 0:09:42.760 when you commit your life to someone in a marriage, 0:09:42.800 --> 0:09:45.880 But I also think we have one life, and your 0:09:45.960 --> 0:09:48.160 husband knows, and I think it might just be having 0:09:48.200 --> 0:09:52.360 a very honest conversation about where you are with your 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:55.679 feelings and your sexuality and not wanting to have regrets 0:09:55.760 --> 0:10:01.600 for yourself and for him, and you know, communicating to 0:10:01.679 --> 0:10:04.200 him that you love his friendship. And that's the part 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:06.320 of you that's staying. That's the part of you that's 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:11.800 made this hard, and there might be some awkward moments 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:15.720 navigating that, but I just think I think staying somewhere 0:10:15.760 --> 0:10:22.280 where you're always wanting more or questioning what is out there. 0:10:22.880 --> 0:10:24.720 And I think clearly you are. You wouldn't be writing 0:10:24.960 --> 0:10:26.679 us if you weren't questioning it. 0:10:27.360 --> 0:10:29.120 And the fact that he knows everything, I think we 0:10:29.160 --> 0:10:30.960 need to take advantage of that. Yeah, And I also 0:10:31.120 --> 0:10:31.920 take him so far. 0:10:32.200 --> 0:10:35.080 There's also like she's not going I'm wondering if I'm 0:10:35.080 --> 0:10:37.160 attracted to women. It's like I've known since I was 0:10:37.720 --> 0:10:41.240 in ninth grade, I'm a lesbian. Like, there's no uncertainty here. 0:10:41.800 --> 0:10:43.640 I think you guys need to sit down and have 0:10:43.679 --> 0:10:48.040 a really difficult, very emotional conversation about your future, because 0:10:48.040 --> 0:10:50.800 does he want to be in this knowing that you're 0:10:50.840 --> 0:10:52.800 never going to be attracted to him. If you ever 0:10:52.840 --> 0:10:56.600 sleep with him, it'll be as a favor more than anything. 0:10:56.600 --> 0:10:59.480 You're never going to enjoy that act. So is that 0:10:59.559 --> 0:11:02.400 what you want for your life? But making also clear 0:11:02.440 --> 0:11:03.839 to him that you love him and you don't want 0:11:03.840 --> 0:11:06.439 to lose him, And is there anything we can figure 0:11:06.440 --> 0:11:10.080 out here together to move forward? And maybe that's breaking up, 0:11:10.240 --> 0:11:13.000 Maybe that's seeing other people. Maybe it's the open relationship 0:11:13.040 --> 0:11:15.800 like we had in the last email. Maybe it's somehow 0:11:15.880 --> 0:11:17.600 transitioning into friendship. I don't know. 0:11:17.960 --> 0:11:19.880 Is there a world I don't know this, but like 0:11:19.920 --> 0:11:22.760 if you separate, you know, if you take a separation 0:11:22.960 --> 0:11:26.800 and it's like we we date other people, you know. 0:11:26.880 --> 0:11:29.880 Like divorce, there's more this. 0:11:30.280 --> 0:11:34.400 Yeah, but it's a clear understanding of what's happening, because 0:11:34.880 --> 0:11:36.960 you might it might be a grass is greener. You 0:11:37.040 --> 0:11:38.680 might go out and have that and be like, I 0:11:38.720 --> 0:11:41.040 still have a stronger connection with this man. 0:11:40.800 --> 0:11:43.320 That I married. I don't know. Yeah, but I think 0:11:43.360 --> 0:11:45.680 that you need you need that, you need that. 0:11:45.600 --> 0:11:47.960 And I think you've acknowledged it within yourself, which is 0:11:48.000 --> 0:11:51.360 a huge part of this, and you he knows this. 0:11:51.840 --> 0:11:53.959 I think Mark's right. You sit down and have a 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:58.760 really hard conversation about it, and we are rooting for you. 0:11:58.880 --> 0:12:01.120 Yes, we are all right. 0:12:01.160 --> 0:12:06.360 I'm gonna tease the next one. Oh, we tease this 0:12:06.400 --> 0:12:09.640 one because it's a better tease. Okay, A Day one 0:12:09.640 --> 0:12:13.760 scrubber says she no longer loves her husband. Next. 0:12:30.360 --> 0:12:31.560 All right, we're back. 0:12:31.880 --> 0:12:33.959 These are really interesting emails this week. 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:37.040 Yeah, like, we're really sorry that y'all are going through 0:12:37.200 --> 0:12:40.080 like really hard times, really, but we appreciate that you 0:12:40.120 --> 0:12:40.920 trust us. 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:43.800 This is another tough one. Day one scrubber. My husband 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:46.520 and I have been married for eleven years, together for sixteen. 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:49.680 Now that's the situation. Side note from me. Seems like 0:12:50.880 --> 0:12:54.360 after sixteen years together, you're solid, you're good, you know 0:12:54.400 --> 0:12:57.520 what's going on. Right. Not the case here, She says, 0:12:57.640 --> 0:13:00.320 I've realized that I'm just not in love with him anymore, 0:13:00.360 --> 0:13:02.360 and I don't know what to do. Our life is great. 0:13:02.520 --> 0:13:05.440 We have three beautiful children. We are great partners and teammates, 0:13:05.480 --> 0:13:07.160 taking care of the house and the kids and all 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:10.480 of their thousands of activities. I love him wholeheartedly as 0:13:10.520 --> 0:13:12.960 a human and the person he is. I admire him, 0:13:13.120 --> 0:13:15.839 I respect him. We are intimate several times a week. 0:13:16.000 --> 0:13:18.000 We spend tons of time together the as a family. 0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:18.720 That's great. 0:13:18.840 --> 0:13:20.680 I feel like I'm living a lie. I put on 0:13:20.679 --> 0:13:22.320 a happy face, but I just don't feel like I 0:13:22.360 --> 0:13:25.200 am in love with my husband anymore, and I just 0:13:25.200 --> 0:13:27.480 don't know what to do about it. He basically gives 0:13:27.480 --> 0:13:30.120 me the ick way more than I'd like to admit. 0:13:30.600 --> 0:13:33.040 I often think about divorce and I feel like I'd 0:13:33.080 --> 0:13:35.440 be okay with it, honestly, But then I think about 0:13:35.480 --> 0:13:38.480 people who stay in much worse relationships for longer and 0:13:38.559 --> 0:13:41.040 wonder if I'm just being selfish. I have felt this 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:43.600 way for almost two and a half years now. I 0:13:43.600 --> 0:13:45.800 feel like a cop out having these thoughts, But I 0:13:45.800 --> 0:13:48.160 also feel like our relationship has run its course and 0:13:48.200 --> 0:13:50.720 she'd be okay to move on. I'm not even sure 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:52.880 what I'm looking for here, but any advice or thought 0:13:52.920 --> 0:13:55.800 to be appreciated. I love this podcast so much, Sincerely, 0:13:56.120 --> 0:13:57.480 a day one scrubber. 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:03.320 Let me tell you something. If there's anything that the 0:14:03.400 --> 0:14:08.160 show nobody wants, this has taught me, it's that the 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:09.240 itck can be reversed. 0:14:11.440 --> 0:14:11.760 Yeah. 0:14:11.800 --> 0:14:15.400 This to me, I'm just gonna say it, this sounds 0:14:15.400 --> 0:14:18.920 like a lovely situation. You've gotten the ick, you've had 0:14:18.920 --> 0:14:20.479 it for two point five years. 0:14:20.840 --> 0:14:23.040 Two point five years is a long time. 0:14:23.120 --> 0:14:27.080 Not but have you actively day one scrubber tried to 0:14:27.160 --> 0:14:30.480 reverse the ick? Have we talked to a therapist? Have 0:14:30.520 --> 0:14:32.600 you sat down with your husband? Have you worked on 0:14:32.680 --> 0:14:34.880 trying to reverse that? Because what if you can reverse 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:38.280 the dick and then you have such a beautiful you 0:14:38.320 --> 0:14:42.680 have sixteen more years left. I don't think this is 0:14:43.000 --> 0:14:44.920 I don't think this is I don't think it's over. 0:14:45.080 --> 0:14:47.400 If I had the ick for two point five years 0:14:47.440 --> 0:14:50.360 and then someone was saying I have sixteen years left, 0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:51.880 that sounds daunting. 0:14:53.000 --> 0:14:54.120 However, reverse it. 0:14:54.240 --> 0:14:59.400 However, I do think that if you haven't done everything 0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:03.440 you can, I feel like you have a good thing. 0:15:03.640 --> 0:15:05.720 And I'm just saying like in terms of like, it 0:15:05.760 --> 0:15:07.880 seems like y'all have a good partnership, you. 0:15:07.760 --> 0:15:09.760 Have kids together, sex all the time. 0:15:09.840 --> 0:15:12.960 But it doesn't sound like she is like I think 0:15:12.960 --> 0:15:14.200 she's She. 0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:15.680 Said we're intimate several times a week. 0:15:15.720 --> 0:15:20.280 She doesn't say from someone, then. 0:15:20.160 --> 0:15:22.200 Well, I think it would have slowed down, wouldn't it 0:15:22.200 --> 0:15:25.840 If she's that grossed out, people please her and is like, 0:15:26.080 --> 0:15:28.280 this is I'm the only one of us that's been 0:15:28.320 --> 0:15:32.120 in a relationship this long. Oh my god, twenty seven years. 0:15:32.360 --> 0:15:34.360 I guarantee you. I give my wife the from time 0:15:34.440 --> 0:15:37.800 to time. I guarantee it. It's been a long time together. 0:15:38.080 --> 0:15:40.520 And this is the comparison I've made before on this show. 0:15:40.720 --> 0:15:43.960 There's Mark and Amy, there's Mom and dad. Mom and 0:15:44.000 --> 0:15:45.600 Dad bicker, they don't get along all the time. The 0:15:45.680 --> 0:15:47.760 drivers are the crazy. Mark and Amy are super in love, 0:15:47.840 --> 0:15:49.480 and you go back and forth between the two. I 0:15:49.480 --> 0:15:51.560 think you two are really stuck in mom and dad mode, 0:15:51.760 --> 0:15:53.720 and you need to find time to get to you 0:15:53.840 --> 0:15:56.200 and him as the couple you were that you fell 0:15:56.200 --> 0:15:58.000 in love with once upon a time. I agree with 0:15:58.000 --> 0:16:00.920 Tanya that I think this could be salvage. I think 0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:03.840 you're maybe focusing on some of his more negative qualities 0:16:04.080 --> 0:16:05.720 and maybe you've lost sight of some of the ones 0:16:05.720 --> 0:16:06.440 that you fell in love with. 0:16:06.440 --> 0:16:06.480 You. 0:16:06.600 --> 0:16:07.360 Yeah, because like. 0:16:07.320 --> 0:16:09.840 When you do get the ick, you fixate on that ick, 0:16:09.920 --> 0:16:12.960 and like everything that they subsequently do post ick makes 0:16:13.000 --> 0:16:14.720 you feel even ickier. So I feel like you're just 0:16:14.720 --> 0:16:17.440 like spiraling in the ick and like you're not seeing 0:16:17.480 --> 0:16:18.520 the forest in the trees. 0:16:18.560 --> 0:16:23.080 Maybe being in the ick indefinitely is being in the 0:16:23.120 --> 0:16:24.520 spiral of the ick is. 0:16:24.640 --> 0:16:26.680 Dark for two point five years. 0:16:27.040 --> 0:16:30.480 It's like being in the eye of the hurricane for Yeah, 0:16:30.560 --> 0:16:31.480 and he's a good dude. 0:16:31.760 --> 0:16:32.320 Here's my thing. 0:16:32.480 --> 0:16:33.480 Clearly he's a good dude. 0:16:33.520 --> 0:16:34.480 I think. I agree. 0:16:34.520 --> 0:16:36.560 I think it's like they're stuck in this mop parent 0:16:36.640 --> 0:16:39.440 mode and it's like, what were the things about him 0:16:39.440 --> 0:16:40.440 when y'all started dating? 0:16:40.440 --> 0:16:41.640 Maybe y'all go on dates. 0:16:41.680 --> 0:16:45.280 Maybe what is I guess it's like some IX can 0:16:45.320 --> 0:16:47.880 be reversed, like what are the ickxs? Is that personality X? 0:16:47.960 --> 0:16:50.240 Is it what he looks like? Physical IX? Like? 0:16:50.320 --> 0:16:52.280 What is a new wardrobe he's wearing? 0:16:52.480 --> 0:16:55.680 Yeah, Like are there things where you could step in 0:16:56.080 --> 0:16:58.760 and go like, hey, maybe if you styled your hair 0:16:58.800 --> 0:17:01.280 this way, just like things that maybe are. 0:17:01.240 --> 0:17:03.480 Simple and even voice it like that be like, oh 0:17:03.480 --> 0:17:05.320 my gosh, this new colonial wearing is giving me the 0:17:05.359 --> 0:17:07.720 ick coupled with these weird socks that you're wearing to 0:17:07.760 --> 0:17:09.200 bed at night, coupled with like. 0:17:11.560 --> 0:17:14.240 When you eat, it's that stuff. I guarantee it's that stuff. 0:17:14.359 --> 0:17:16.560 Whatever tell them be like they're giving me the ick, 0:17:16.600 --> 0:17:18.119 and I need you to be mindful of it, and 0:17:18.160 --> 0:17:19.520 like we need to I need to get back to 0:17:19.520 --> 0:17:20.280 like wanting you to blind. 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:24.080 That's fair, needs you to be mindful of the absolute 0:17:24.359 --> 0:17:26.720 ick you're getting me. Yeah, I do think talking to 0:17:26.760 --> 0:17:29.200 a therapist would be like great, because I think maybe 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:31.879 you can have your own time to say what you 0:17:31.960 --> 0:17:34.600 need to say, put it out in the open, figure 0:17:34.640 --> 0:17:38.840 out where there's that misconnection, and then maybe go in 0:17:38.880 --> 0:17:41.280 like romantic dates, do things that y'all did before you 0:17:41.320 --> 0:17:42.000 had kids. 0:17:42.320 --> 0:17:44.080 But I think the reason why it's lasted two point 0:17:44.119 --> 0:17:46.720 five years is because you've been keeping this to yourself. 0:17:46.840 --> 0:17:49.119