Speaker 1: I am a yamma. I had a baby daddy relationship.
Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man.
Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to
Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the
Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. I want to tell you a quick story.
Speaker 1: I had an older sister and we were pretty good
Speaker 1: with each other. I'm not gonna say we were close,
Speaker 1: because we weren't. But we were respectable and amenable and agreeable,
Speaker 1: and we did a lot of stuff together. As we
Speaker 1: grew older, she kept playing the role of the older sister,
Speaker 1: and she had the belief that not only was she
Speaker 1: supposed to tell me what to do, but that I
Speaker 1: was supposed to do it. That was one extreme, and
Speaker 1: the other extreme was she didn't tell me anything. The
Speaker 1: thought I had a baby. She didn't tell me her
Speaker 1: son was in trouble. She didn't tell me. I could
Speaker 1: never understand. But like I said, we were amenable, we
Speaker 1: were not close. Well, something happened. I don't know what
Speaker 1: it was. I wish I could tell you, but I can't,
Speaker 1: and we just stop speaking. Had she called me I
Speaker 1: would have answered. Had I called her, she probably would
Speaker 1: have answered. But we just stopped speaking for three years,
Speaker 1: and then one day I got a call from a
Speaker 1: mutual friend that said to me, your sister is dead.
Speaker 1: It just scrambled my brain. I mean, we didn't talk.
Speaker 1: I wanted her a lie. I didn't know what had happened,
Speaker 1: but I had it on my to do list one
Speaker 1: day to ask her. But now I didn't have that chance.
Speaker 1: I think one of the most valuable, precious things we
Speaker 1: can have in life as a sister. And I'm here
Speaker 1: to tell you I did not value honor, respect, myself
Speaker 1: or my sister enough to do everything I possibly could
Speaker 1: to keep our relationship healthy. I used to regret it.
Speaker 1: Now I just learned from it. Every woman that is
Speaker 1: in my life, I treat her like a sister because
Speaker 1: I've learned that I am not my sister's keeper. I
Speaker 1: am my sister. So however, I treat my sister as
Speaker 1: a function of how I treat myself. And even though
Speaker 1: my sister didn't have the same mother or father as
Speaker 1: I did, when I saw her laying in her casket,
Speaker 1: all of that passed away and all I remembered was
Speaker 1: I loved her. I want to talk two sisters about
Speaker 1: sisters to day, and I will say to you, love
Speaker 1: your sister enough to ask her what you need to
Speaker 1: know and to tell her the truth. And if it
Speaker 1: caused a ripple, a break down between you and her,
Speaker 1: do everything in your power to heal it before it's
Speaker 1: too late. Welcome beloved, Welcome to the arts. But thank
Speaker 1: you for calling in to day. Now. What is the
Speaker 1: relationship issue, challenge dilemma you are facing that we can
Speaker 1: nibble on together. Well, thank you so much, Missiama. I
Speaker 1: appreciate the honor of just being on your show today.
Speaker 1: My current situation is five years ago I found out
Speaker 1: that the man who raised me is not my biological father.
Speaker 1: My biological father actually reached out to the via text
Speaker 1: message with photos in two thousand and sixteen and let
Speaker 1: me know that he was my father. I have an
Speaker 1: older sister and we're very close. But since then, my
Speaker 1: mother kind of told me there was really no point
Speaker 1: of telling her that this is my father, and she
Speaker 1: really didn't have any intentions of telling me that this
Speaker 1: was my father. Since the man who raised me signed
Speaker 1: my birth certificate raised me. I've been working with my therapist,
Speaker 1: and she says, God will give me the discernment when
Speaker 1: to tell my sister. But I just wanted to get
Speaker 1: some extra feedback or just guidance of how I should
Speaker 1: go about it. So what is your intention for telling
Speaker 1: your sister? Why are you telling you that My intentions
Speaker 1: for telling my sister is because we're very close, and
Speaker 1: I always said if the shoe was on the other
Speaker 1: but I would love for my sister to dis be honest, like, Hi,
Speaker 1: you know I met my real father because I've met
Speaker 1: him in person. We don't have the best relationship because
Speaker 1: he is still in and out of my life. Yet
Speaker 1: I just want to be able to be honest because
Speaker 1: my mother really doesn't want to deal with her past
Speaker 1: and she wants to keep it a secret and keep
Speaker 1: the family how it is. But something inside of me
Speaker 1: is saying, you have to break the cycle and stop
Speaker 1: sweeping things under the rugs. Well, it's not just a
Speaker 1: matter of sweeping things under the rug. It's a matter
Speaker 1: of telling the truth. And if you're in a close
Speaker 1: relationship with your sister, if you want to be authentic
Speaker 1: in your relationship with your sister, then it is most
Speaker 1: appropriate to tell the truth. As you know it. It
Speaker 1: is your story to tell. If the man who raised
Speaker 1: her wasn't her father, then it wouldn't be your story
Speaker 1: to tell. It would be your mother's story to tell.
Speaker 1: But if that's not the case, Yeah, it's your story.
Speaker 1: So what's the dilemma. I don't understand what's the problem.
Speaker 1: I as though it will cause a lot of family
Speaker 1: disaccord because I've spoken to my mother about telling her,
Speaker 1: and my mother anytime the conversation is brought up, she
Speaker 1: does not want to have it. It's not your mother's
Speaker 1: story to tell. She doesn't get a vote in you
Speaker 1: telling your story. Now. It may cause some disruption between
Speaker 1: your sister and your mother, but that's your sister's choice.
Speaker 1: That's not your choice. And unless you have a degree
Speaker 1: in psychic one oh one, you don't know what's gonna happen.
Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about, you know, taking into consideration. Everyone
Speaker 1: else is stilling like, I don't want to hurt my mom.
Speaker 1: How does you telling your story hurt your mother? I
Speaker 1: don't want my sister to view my mother in a
Speaker 1: different light because we're all very close. You're all very
Speaker 1: close on a lie. Yes, so that's not closeness beloved.
Speaker 1: That's emotional dishonesty. Mhm. Tell me what you hear me saying,
Speaker 1: because I hear your brain clicking, just the revelation of
Speaker 1: staying we're close in a lie. Your mother has lived
Speaker 1: this lie for how many years? Almost twenty five? And
Speaker 1: I'm not saying to discount the impact that will have
Speaker 1: on your mother. But sometimes when you stand in your truth,
Speaker 1: there's no let falls on other people. Yes, so let's
Speaker 1: go here so that we can get it cleared out.
Speaker 1: What's the worst that you think will happen if you
Speaker 1: tell your sister that you have discovered that the man
Speaker 1: who raised you is not your biological father, her view
Speaker 1: of her life like, what else is allowed? Not being
Speaker 1: able to trust me again? Are not being able to
Speaker 1: trust my mother again? Well? Why would she not trust you?
Speaker 1: You didn't know? Okay, So if she's not able to
Speaker 1: trust you again or trust your mother again, then what
Speaker 1: will happen? Alright? Feel as though I will take the
Speaker 1: responsibility of perhaps breaking my DAMIAU are breaking up, dynamic up?
Speaker 1: And then what will happen if your experience of your
Speaker 1: family that is bonded together in all athentically and out
Speaker 1: of integrity? If that shifts, then what will happen? I
Speaker 1: really don't feel lost, and if you feel lost, what
Speaker 1: will happen? Mm hmm. I would ultimately have to make
Speaker 1: the next steps in my life, and I don't know
Speaker 1: what that looks like. Do you know what it looks
Speaker 1: like now that you're living a lie? So honestly, right
Speaker 1: now now, the word that I have in my head
Speaker 1: is a facade. So if you disrupt the facade, what
Speaker 1: will happen? Due to certain circumstances, I might be the
Speaker 1: one to blame from my mother. I believe that I
Speaker 1: just honor my mother so much. I don't want to
Speaker 1: hurt her. Did she hurt you? And what have you
Speaker 1: done with that hurt? Beloved? For a while, I kept
Speaker 1: it in and it showed up in my life throughout
Speaker 1: my relationship, especially having my own daughter now. But now
Speaker 1: working through life coaching and also therapy, I've been able
Speaker 1: to identify that a lot of are hurt hand into anger.
Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. So what I'm hearing you say is that
Speaker 1: you are expecting the worst. That if you stand up
Speaker 1: for yourself and bring yourself into integrity with your system
Speaker 1: by sharing your story, you are expecting the worst. So
Speaker 1: what I would say to you is that's exactly what
Speaker 1: you'll get. You always get what you expect. However, what
Speaker 1: if this is one of your life assignments is to
Speaker 1: clear the cobwebs out, disrupt the facade, and bring a
Speaker 1: new level of integrity on a respect, truth, love to
Speaker 1: your family dynamic, Because what I'm hearing you say is
Speaker 1: that you're comfortable in the facade, odd that you'd rather
Speaker 1: keep the lie alive than run the risk of standing
Speaker 1: up for yourself. And we'll talk about that when we
Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back. I am me. I'm learning this
Speaker 1: is the our spot. I hear you saying that your
Speaker 1: truth will hurt other people, so you'll stuff it and
Speaker 1: not tell it to protect them. You set yourself on fire. Yeah,
Speaker 1: how's that working for you? Not at all. Here's another possibility.
Speaker 1: What if you are the light you want to share
Speaker 1: with your sister the joy that you've discovered of knowing
Speaker 1: who your natural father is. Is there any joy in
Speaker 1: that and for you? Yeah? Oh, and what would that be?
Speaker 1: What has that done for you? What has that brought
Speaker 1: to you? What is it revealed to you? It's revealed
Speaker 1: a part of me that I did not know yes,
Speaker 1: I didn't know who I was. I was trying to
Speaker 1: identify with someone that I was. I knew that was
Speaker 1: so different, and I knew that I was different. But
Speaker 1: learning about my history, learning about my family, meeting my grandparents,
Speaker 1: that brought me joy because it allowed me to grow
Speaker 1: in my foundation. And now that's something that I can
Speaker 1: give to my daughter. Wow. What if you shared your
Speaker 1: story from that perspective as opposed to as gonna hurt
Speaker 1: my mother, mother, it's gonna look different, it's gonna disrupt
Speaker 1: my family. What if you share it from the place
Speaker 1: of joy and you want your sister to know because
Speaker 1: you love her and yolla close. Does she know you're
Speaker 1: in therapy? Yes? Does she know why you're in therapy? Um? No,
Speaker 1: not really, so you haven't told her that either. We
Speaker 1: had a conversation but not specifically for this, but just
Speaker 1: noticing that I didn't want to live my life how
Speaker 1: I was living it, and I want to change and
Speaker 1: I wanted to follow what was in my heart, and
Speaker 1: that's why I want to therapy. I knew there was
Speaker 1: change that needed to be implemented in my life. Mm hmm.
Speaker 1: Was one of the changes. Getting real clear about who
Speaker 1: you are well. I find that to be quite exciting.
Speaker 1: And if you are as close as you say to
Speaker 1: your sister, I think she would be happy for you. Now,
Speaker 1: she may have a little issue with your mama, but
Speaker 1: that ain't your issue. That's all issue. Yeah, So don't
Speaker 1: go around eating up people's issues. Let people have their
Speaker 1: own issues. And that's what I was trying to take on,
Speaker 1: trying to take on the baggage, trying to protect other
Speaker 1: people from their truth as well. So yeah, So in
Speaker 1: terms of how to do it, I would say, get
Speaker 1: clear in your mind first, why you're telling your sister this,
Speaker 1: what it is that you want her to know, and
Speaker 1: give her the opportunity to share in your new discovery.
Speaker 1: You'll know when the time is right, you'll know. Take
Speaker 1: her out to lunch, or just go over and make
Speaker 1: some tea for you all, or invite her to your house.
Speaker 1: I would say, invited to your house so that you're
Speaker 1: comfortable in your space and your safe and let her
Speaker 1: know how important this is for you to know that
Speaker 1: you have grandparents that you didn't meet, and that your
Speaker 1: daughter has great grandparents, and that your daughter has not one,
Speaker 1: but two grandfathers. The man who raised you, your dad
Speaker 1: and your natural father. She has two grandparents. How exciting
Speaker 1: is that? One of the things that I've discovered as
Speaker 1: usually when we run around asking people how to do something,
Speaker 1: we know we have to do it, we just want
Speaker 1: validation of whether it's the right thing to do and
Speaker 1: how to do it. So I'm going to say this.
Speaker 1: You know this is something you have to do. Otherwise
Speaker 1: you would not be on this car, you would not
Speaker 1: be in therapy, you would not it wouldn't even be
Speaker 1: on your mind. You don't need anybody's validation of your truth.
Speaker 1: And if, as you say, your sister loves you, if
Speaker 1: as you say, you all are really close, it may
Speaker 1: create a little ripple in the force. Feel But what
Speaker 1: I think is that your sister's going to jump to
Speaker 1: your defense, and she may go after your mother. And
Speaker 1: what you can always offer her is listen, she did
Speaker 1: what she thought was right for her at the time,
Speaker 1: but time also reveal the truth. So if you want
Speaker 1: to be mad at her, you can. I'm not mad
Speaker 1: at her anymore. So tell me what you know now
Speaker 1: that you didn't know when you called. I know that
Speaker 1: standing up for myself can be scary, yet it's needed
Speaker 1: in order for me to expect in my foundation. And also,
Speaker 1: my truth does not have to be acceptable to other people. Damn,
Speaker 1: your truth does not have to be acceptable to other people.
Speaker 1: And at the same time, you can respect them enough
Speaker 1: and love them enough to know that they can handle
Speaker 1: your truth. Now, why your mother lied and all of
Speaker 1: that other stuff that's none of your business. That's your
Speaker 1: mama's business. Let her handle her business. You don't have
Speaker 1: to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Well,
Speaker 1: good for you. I trust your sister. Okay, and do
Speaker 1: me a favor what we've shared. Run it by your
Speaker 1: therapist before you do it. Okay, already, thank you, Thank
Speaker 1: you for calling. Good luck to you, Bye bye. Whenever
Speaker 1: there's a breakdown in a relationship, one of the hardest
Speaker 1: things for us to do is to see the breakdown
Speaker 1: from the other person's perspective. Even when we're not fighting
Speaker 1: to be right, or even when we're not pushing our
Speaker 1: point across, and even when we think we are doing
Speaker 1: the best, it is hard for us to get on
Speaker 1: the other side of the table, put on the other
Speaker 1: person's panties or box of drawers, and see the experience
Speaker 1: from the other person's side, because we're so busy making
Speaker 1: ourselves right and making them wrong. It's just a common
Speaker 1: human thing, even when we don't have a malicious or
Speaker 1: vicious intent, even when we really want to do the
Speaker 1: right thing, it's hard to get on the other person's
Speaker 1: side of the table. But that is what's necessary for healing.
Speaker 1: I've got another call about just that thing. Greetings, be love,
Speaker 1: and welcome to the our spot. Thank you for calling
Speaker 1: in today. And what is your relationship challenge issue dilemma
Speaker 1: that we can nibble on together? Well, thank you for
Speaker 1: having me. My relationship dilemma is with my sister. Oh boy, yeah,
Speaker 1: So she's my older sister. Herr and I have the
Speaker 1: same other different fathers, and I think throughout my life
Speaker 1: there's been some jealousy in terms of her father and
Speaker 1: not be get around though my father was completely there
Speaker 1: for her, supports her still to the stay and she's
Speaker 1: fifty one years old. Her father was incarcerated not around
Speaker 1: he and my and my mother were divorced, and she
Speaker 1: doesn't even acknowledge him as her father today. However, her
Speaker 1: and my mom had a challenging relationship. My mother in
Speaker 1: her away when I was younger to live with our grandmother,
Speaker 1: because she was very violent. We get into fights all
Speaker 1: of those things. So who did your sister was violent?
Speaker 1: She was. She would fight my mother because she would
Speaker 1: do things like when I was younger, she would leave
Speaker 1: me outside when I would come home from school, and
Speaker 1: my mother wasn't really happy with that. She would be
Speaker 1: promiscuous to just do different things, and so after a
Speaker 1: while she would get into physical fights with my mom,
Speaker 1: and my mother sent her away to live with our
Speaker 1: grandmother and different states until she was no longer welcome
Speaker 1: to stay there because she was promiscuous and cause a
Speaker 1: lot of trouble. They sent her back and she had
Speaker 1: children and so, you know, my mom and I had
Speaker 1: to take care of them. So her my mom never
Speaker 1: really had a stable relationship. I had a great relationship
Speaker 1: with my mother, and so they didn't really talk a
Speaker 1: lot because my mother challenged her on things that she
Speaker 1: should be doing and she wasn't doing. And so my
Speaker 1: mom transitions last year. She never really called or talked
Speaker 1: to my mother or visit her anything. But of course
Speaker 1: when my mom transitioned, she made this big you know,
Speaker 1: she wanted to do these grand gestures at the funeral
Speaker 1: and she now all of a sudden. My mom's her
Speaker 1: queen and you know, all these things just seeking that
Speaker 1: validation of public attention. And it kind of left me
Speaker 1: feeling a little upset because I feel like she didn't
Speaker 1: cultivate the relationship she should have while she was fever.
Speaker 1: I know that's a lot. No it's not. But you're
Speaker 1: speaking betrays she and I'm sure you don't know that.
Speaker 1: So let's see if we can unpack some of this. Okay,
Speaker 1: So are you and your sister in communication now? No?
Speaker 1: Um so, Actually, my mother's birthday just passed, and while
Speaker 1: I was there on the day of her birthday, I
Speaker 1: texted her just saying, hey, this thinking of you today
Speaker 1: and you know, love you, what have you? She never responded,
Speaker 1: and my father said she never responded to his call
Speaker 1: as well, and then I texted her again actually last night.
Speaker 1: So and why do you tell yourself she's not responding.
Speaker 1: She's upset that. I guess I still continue to be
Speaker 1: there and make myself a bailable to my mother to
Speaker 1: honor her, and I think she thinks it makes her
Speaker 1: look a certain way that she is not. Now do
Speaker 1: you know that to be true or is that what
Speaker 1: you've made up that's probably what I made up, and
Speaker 1: I think the reason why I think it's true. Again,
Speaker 1: she made very public declarations right during the service, but
Speaker 1: privately she was never there and so on social media,
Speaker 1: of course, I did make a post just saying happy
Speaker 1: birthday to my mother, but they were pictures showing me,
Speaker 1: my father and her son. You know there, my sister's son. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's almost like a son to me. He and I
Speaker 1: are very close. He actually used to call me his
Speaker 1: mother and not my sister. Mm hmmm. Is that one
Speaker 1: of your sister's children at your mother raised. Yes, she
Speaker 1: has three children, and my nephew was the first grandchild,
Speaker 1: and my mother was upset with my sister over the
Speaker 1: fact that his father wasn't in his life and my
Speaker 1: sister wasn't really around, you know, she was partying and
Speaker 1: not taking care of him. So I took care of him.
Speaker 1: I was in high school at the time, but when
Speaker 1: I would get home, I would be there. My mother
Speaker 1: would take care of him, and my mother took care
Speaker 1: of him until her passing. Financially, he lived with my parents.
Speaker 1: He would get guidance and things from me. Let me
Speaker 1: ask you this question, is your relationship to your sister
Speaker 1: an important relationship in your life. I mean, does it
Speaker 1: bring you joy? Do you value it? Okay, so it's
Speaker 1: not important relationships, So why are you bothering If it's
Speaker 1: not an important relationship? Can you give yourself permission to
Speaker 1: accept it just as it is? I think what troubles
Speaker 1: me about it is I've always wanted a relationship with her.
Speaker 1: I mean, she's my sister, and now that my mother
Speaker 1: is no longer here, uh, I want her and I
Speaker 1: as women to be able to bond over like the
Speaker 1: commonality of like we have the same mother and create
Speaker 1: a new relationship, one that we've not had, just because
Speaker 1: she still represents a piece of my mother. And I
Speaker 1: think that's why I'm bothered. So you want her because
Speaker 1: she represents a piece of your mother, not because you
Speaker 1: accept her for who she is, just as she is.
Speaker 1: M I never thought about it that way. Well, like
Speaker 1: I said, you're speaking betraysure, and trust me when I
Speaker 1: tell you she has felt that he felt it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you said early on in your communication that you believe
Speaker 1: that she was jealous because her father wasn't around and
Speaker 1: your father raised both of you. How do you think
Speaker 1: it made this young girl feel that her daddy wasn't there.
Speaker 1: Get on her side at the table. Yeah, this man
Speaker 1: is good and he's wonderful, and but he ain't my daddy.
Speaker 1: Where's my daddy? How do you think that made her
Speaker 1: feel sad and hurt? Yeah? And how did your mother
Speaker 1: deal with that that the man she chose to lay
Speaker 1: down with, the man she chose to have a child with,
Speaker 1: was absent. His child is in her care feeling sad
Speaker 1: and hurt? How did your mother deal with that? He didn't.
Speaker 1: She did not address it, and she did not. Ah,
Speaker 1: So something that is important to this young girl whose
Speaker 1: father isn't there, wasn't dealt with. You want to know
Speaker 1: why she was fighting your mother because she was mad
Speaker 1: as hell? What matters to me isn't important. What I
Speaker 1: feel isn't important. I felt that, and I feel that. Well,
Speaker 1: let me offer you this to consider that your mother
Speaker 1: was in relationship with a man who ended up incarcerated.
Speaker 1: So there probably was some issues between her and him
Speaker 1: that she never wanted to talk to you or his
Speaker 1: daughter about. How about that? And that's a right as
Speaker 1: a woman. But when there's a child involved, you've got
Speaker 1: to secure the child first and address the needs of
Speaker 1: the child first, And it is so very common that
Speaker 1: when a woman is in breakdown with the child's father
Speaker 1: that she will not or does not address the issue
Speaker 1: and expects the child to be okay with that. She
Speaker 1: had a right to know and then build her relationship,
Speaker 1: or not build her relationship, but just to say it's
Speaker 1: not important for you to know who your father is. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she probably was jealous because you had something she wanted
Speaker 1: her father. He couldn't be good enough to her to
Speaker 1: erase the human instinct to want to know where you
Speaker 1: came from. Don't mean she don't appreciate it. Yeah. Okay,
Speaker 1: So we've got this young girl who is feeling out
Speaker 1: of place, sad, heart and angry. Yeah, you sound like
Speaker 1: a very learned woman to me. Do you know the
Speaker 1: number one cause of promiscuity among young girls? I would
Speaker 1: say father's or parents not being their lives, daddy loss daughters. Yeah,
Speaker 1: ask me how I know? How do you know I'm
Speaker 1: a ciana? None of your business. No, So fast forward. Hurt, sad, angry,
Speaker 1: looking for love, shows up at the mother's funeral, seeking
Speaker 1: public attention, making grand and gestures. Can you see the
Speaker 1: connection there? I can't that the hurt sad, angry little
Speaker 1: girl would show up where everybody is and try to
Speaker 1: get their attention, and even telling untruths because it's an
Speaker 1: untruth that the man who gave her everything was her father.
Speaker 1: He wasn't. He was her dad, but he wasn't her father,
Speaker 1: So she was taught how to live an untruth. Does
Speaker 1: that make sense to you, It makes a lot of sense. Yeah.
Speaker 1: I did not look at it that way at all.
Speaker 1: I never have. But I want you to hear the
Speaker 1: depth of hurt and sadness in the core of her being.
Speaker 1: You got to get that if you don't get nothing else.
Speaker 1: And then, not knowing how else to manage it, she
Speaker 1: expresses herself in this very inappropriate way, and instead of
Speaker 1: somebody gathering her up in their bosom and letting her
Speaker 1: weep her heart out, they send her away. Yeah, you
Speaker 1: ain't want it. You don't want you here, which is
Speaker 1: probably the secret thought your mother had about having a
Speaker 1: baby by a man that would beat her and end
Speaker 1: up in jail. Yeah, it's not your story, but I
Speaker 1: need to understand this. But you said something so powerful
Speaker 1: and so beautiful. You said you want to build a
Speaker 1: relationship with her, as women, a relationship that you've never had.
Speaker 1: But I'm going to challenge you on it. We'll talk
Speaker 1: more about it when we come back. Welcome back to
Speaker 1: the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You
Speaker 1: said you want to build the relationship with her as women,
Speaker 1: and I'm gonna ask you why if you met her
Speaker 1: at a barbecue and she was there and you saw
Speaker 1: her the way she dressed, the way she talks, the
Speaker 1: way she looks, how she shows up, would she be
Speaker 1: somebody you want to build a relationship with. So, not
Speaker 1: that you shouldn't do this at all, but I want
Speaker 1: you to get how you're going into this thing. What
Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to do is find that
Speaker 1: place of compassion within yourself to look at this woman,
Speaker 1: your sister, and learn to accept who she is just
Speaker 1: as she is, no conditions, no questions, no judgments. Okay,
Speaker 1: And if you can't do that, leave it alone. You
Speaker 1: can still text her love you, you can call her
Speaker 1: for a birthday, sent her something nice, But until you
Speaker 1: get clear, don't try to create a relationship with her,
Speaker 1: because that's only going to hurt her even more. Yeah. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I had a sister who wasn't my sister. We didn't
Speaker 1: share mother and father, but we were raised together as sisters.
Speaker 1: But she didn't like me because she was an only child.
Speaker 1: My brother and I when we were young were kind
Speaker 1: of infused into her life and told that we were
Speaker 1: her brother and sister. You know, she was eleven twelve
Speaker 1: thirteen when we showed up and she you know, I
Speaker 1: can't say my sister ever did anything mean to me.
Speaker 1: I was like a mole. You know, you have a
Speaker 1: mole on your face and it's there. You have to
Speaker 1: accept it, you have to like it, you put makeup
Speaker 1: on it. You you really don't want the mole there.
Speaker 1: You just don't want it there where it's at. And
Speaker 1: that's how she treated men. And it took me a
Speaker 1: long time to really understand what that was us, and
Speaker 1: to not make myself responsible for it, but to understand it.
Speaker 1: But I tell you, and as soon as I got
Speaker 1: an opportunity to get the hell away from her, I did.
Speaker 1: And then she died, and then I really had to
Speaker 1: do some work. So what I'm saying to you is
Speaker 1: love her and prepare yourself. You see, you would never
Speaker 1: give her space to unload about your mom. You want
Speaker 1: her to celebrate the woman that denied her needs and
Speaker 1: didn't handle her needs and sent her away. You want
Speaker 1: her to honor your mother the same way you do.
Speaker 1: Come on, Yeah, you're right. Until she does some healing work,
Speaker 1: that's not going to happen. You're exactly right. So what
Speaker 1: can you do differently? Now? Wow? I think I need
Speaker 1: to look inward at my motivation or why I want
Speaker 1: us to be in each other's lives, and my motivation
Speaker 1: for even thinking the way that I'm thinking in terms
Speaker 1: of her not being present and not doing those things
Speaker 1: for a mother. I need to look at why I'm
Speaker 1: creating those narratives, and then I need to just be there,
Speaker 1: be there for her to talk, to be just listen.
Speaker 1: I guess without condition, and even if it's something that
Speaker 1: I don't want to hear, and be willing to be
Speaker 1: wrong and not so much wrong but slified, so to speak,
Speaker 1: because she's going to have a certain perspective that I
Speaker 1: don't have, be willing for her to see it differently.
Speaker 1: Her experience was different. I'm telling you, my heart goes
Speaker 1: out to her. She's suffering in ways that you can't
Speaker 1: even comprehend, and just your mere present. That's another source
Speaker 1: of embarrassment. And shame and guilt. You a problem. Do
Speaker 1: you get that you represent everything that has gone wrong
Speaker 1: in her life? And that's not what I was trying
Speaker 1: to be. No, there's nothing you need to do, there's
Speaker 1: nothing you've done. I just wanted you to be on
Speaker 1: her side of the table and look back at it
Speaker 1: from another perspective until you can want to be in
Speaker 1: relationship with her, woman to woman, each of you accepting
Speaker 1: who you are, just as you are, with no conditions
Speaker 1: and no judgments. I would say, do your relationship by
Speaker 1: texts and cards. Yes, that's that's the safest option. Don't
Speaker 1: expect her to shift until you shift, yep, because when
Speaker 1: you shift, you're gonna see her differently, and you don't
Speaker 1: have to feel sorry for her. You don't have to
Speaker 1: pity her. And I offer you this, if ever you
Speaker 1: have a conversation with her and the two of you
Speaker 1: want to talk to me together, I would welcome that
Speaker 1: phone call than you, because I don't know if anybody
Speaker 1: has ever witnessed her pain, and I will venture to
Speaker 1: say that no one has. Yeah, good for you, and
Speaker 1: even though you've got some work to do, your good sister, Well,
Speaker 1: thank you. I'm gonna pray that one day the two
Speaker 1: of you will be able to be together as women.
Speaker 1: I really appreciate that. I'm going to work on shift. Okay,
Speaker 1: tell me something you know now that you didn't know
Speaker 1: when you call me. I know now that I I've
Speaker 1: been operating, I think from a selfish place in this
Speaker 1: entire situation. Don't be so hard on your side. You're
Speaker 1: operating from your perspective and didn't recognize your sister's pain. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I think I would. I don't know if you see
Speaker 1: this to be harsh, but it's just the way I
Speaker 1: see it. I think that I was doing to her
Speaker 1: what my mother did to her. Bingo, bam, you got
Speaker 1: it that. I'm so glad you know that. So forgive yourself.
Speaker 1: Recognize her suffering, don't sit in it with her, because
Speaker 1: she's perfectly capable of healing and pulling herself up. You've
Speaker 1: got to know that about her and see that about it.
Speaker 1: And the same way you make up stuff about her,
Speaker 1: she makes up stuff about you. I'm sure, oh man.
Speaker 1: The two things I want you to leave this call
Speaker 1: with our I forgive myself for the ways I have
Speaker 1: judged my sister, the way my mother judged her. And
Speaker 1: I forgive myself for not recognizing my sister suffering. I
Speaker 1: praise she knows peace. Those two things will thank you
Speaker 1: so much. I appreciate you. Thank you for calling. Thank you.
Speaker 1: Have a great day. Okay, bye bye bye. There are
Speaker 1: several important ingredients that keep relationships healthy. People will talk
Speaker 1: about communication and commitment, but they often forget about the truth.
Speaker 1: And very often in relationships, we withhold the truth in
Speaker 1: an effort to protect people from what we think they
Speaker 1: can handle well. I think a psychological term for that
Speaker 1: is co dependency. I won't call you on your stuff,
Speaker 1: you don't call me all my stuff. In other words,
Speaker 1: we don't tell each other the truth. One of my
Speaker 1: favorite lessons from a course in miracles is t will
Speaker 1: correct all errors in my mind. If you want your
Speaker 1: relationship to grow and thrive, if you want the errors
Speaker 1: in your thinking about who you are and who they
Speaker 1: are and what is possible, if you want that to
Speaker 1: be corrected, you simply must tell the truth. And sometimes
Speaker 1: the truth you need to tell may have a negative
Speaker 1: impact on other people. Know this, they will survive or not.
Speaker 1: You still get to choose. I hope this has been
Speaker 1: helpful to someone, And if you have a question about
Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me
Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven
Speaker 1: six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social
Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times, and until then,
Speaker 1: stay in peace and not peace Peace. The R Spot
Speaker 1: is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I
Speaker 1: Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the
Speaker 1: I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen
Speaker 1: to your favorite shows.