1 00:00:02,960 --> 00:00:06,200 Speaker 1: I am a yamma. I had a baby daddy relationship. 2 00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,160 Speaker 1: I spent time in a relationship with a married man. 3 00:00:09,680 --> 00:00:13,600 Speaker 1: I had to learn the skills and tools required to 4 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:18,360 Speaker 1: make my relationships healthy, fulfilling, and loving. Welcome to the 5 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:22,680 Speaker 1: Our Spot, a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with 6 00:00:22,840 --> 00:00:37,000 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio. I want to tell you a quick story. 7 00:00:38,479 --> 00:00:44,400 Speaker 1: I had an older sister and we were pretty good 8 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,560 Speaker 1: with each other. I'm not gonna say we were close, 9 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:52,720 Speaker 1: because we weren't. But we were respectable and amenable and agreeable, 10 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:55,720 Speaker 1: and we did a lot of stuff together. As we 11 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:59,240 Speaker 1: grew older, she kept playing the role of the older sister, 12 00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:04,120 Speaker 1: and she had the belief that not only was she 13 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,039 Speaker 1: supposed to tell me what to do, but that I 14 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:10,080 Speaker 1: was supposed to do it. That was one extreme, and 15 00:01:10,160 --> 00:01:14,319 Speaker 1: the other extreme was she didn't tell me anything. The 16 00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:16,920 Speaker 1: thought I had a baby. She didn't tell me her 17 00:01:17,000 --> 00:01:19,560 Speaker 1: son was in trouble. She didn't tell me. I could 18 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,679 Speaker 1: never understand. But like I said, we were amenable, we 19 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:26,280 Speaker 1: were not close. Well, something happened. I don't know what 20 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:29,240 Speaker 1: it was. I wish I could tell you, but I can't, 21 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:34,840 Speaker 1: and we just stop speaking. Had she called me I 22 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:37,839 Speaker 1: would have answered. Had I called her, she probably would 23 00:01:37,840 --> 00:01:43,920 Speaker 1: have answered. But we just stopped speaking for three years, 24 00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,840 Speaker 1: and then one day I got a call from a 25 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,560 Speaker 1: mutual friend that said to me, your sister is dead. 26 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:59,639 Speaker 1: It just scrambled my brain. I mean, we didn't talk. 27 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:05,760 Speaker 1: I wanted her a lie. I didn't know what had happened, 28 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:09,080 Speaker 1: but I had it on my to do list one 29 00:02:09,160 --> 00:02:12,920 Speaker 1: day to ask her. But now I didn't have that chance. 30 00:02:14,960 --> 00:02:18,440 Speaker 1: I think one of the most valuable, precious things we 31 00:02:18,440 --> 00:02:21,679 Speaker 1: can have in life as a sister. And I'm here 32 00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:30,359 Speaker 1: to tell you I did not value honor, respect, myself 33 00:02:30,639 --> 00:02:35,840 Speaker 1: or my sister enough to do everything I possibly could 34 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:41,040 Speaker 1: to keep our relationship healthy. I used to regret it. 35 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:45,760 Speaker 1: Now I just learned from it. Every woman that is 36 00:02:45,840 --> 00:02:50,320 Speaker 1: in my life, I treat her like a sister because 37 00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:54,600 Speaker 1: I've learned that I am not my sister's keeper. I 38 00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:58,840 Speaker 1: am my sister. So however, I treat my sister as 39 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:04,359 Speaker 1: a function of how I treat myself. And even though 40 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,560 Speaker 1: my sister didn't have the same mother or father as 41 00:03:08,639 --> 00:03:13,560 Speaker 1: I did, when I saw her laying in her casket, 42 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:18,640 Speaker 1: all of that passed away and all I remembered was 43 00:03:18,880 --> 00:03:23,320 Speaker 1: I loved her. I want to talk two sisters about 44 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:27,880 Speaker 1: sisters to day, and I will say to you, love 45 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,680 Speaker 1: your sister enough to ask her what you need to 46 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:35,840 Speaker 1: know and to tell her the truth. And if it 47 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,160 Speaker 1: caused a ripple, a break down between you and her, 48 00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:45,080 Speaker 1: do everything in your power to heal it before it's 49 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:53,320 Speaker 1: too late. Welcome beloved, Welcome to the arts. But thank 50 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,680 Speaker 1: you for calling in to day. Now. What is the 51 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:59,360 Speaker 1: relationship issue, challenge dilemma you are facing that we can 52 00:03:59,480 --> 00:04:03,280 Speaker 1: nibble on together. Well, thank you so much, Missiama. I 53 00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:06,040 Speaker 1: appreciate the honor of just being on your show today. 54 00:04:06,680 --> 00:04:10,640 Speaker 1: My current situation is five years ago I found out 55 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,120 Speaker 1: that the man who raised me is not my biological father. 56 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:18,400 Speaker 1: My biological father actually reached out to the via text 57 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:22,240 Speaker 1: message with photos in two thousand and sixteen and let 58 00:04:22,279 --> 00:04:25,080 Speaker 1: me know that he was my father. I have an 59 00:04:25,080 --> 00:04:28,719 Speaker 1: older sister and we're very close. But since then, my 60 00:04:28,839 --> 00:04:32,200 Speaker 1: mother kind of told me there was really no point 61 00:04:32,279 --> 00:04:35,279 Speaker 1: of telling her that this is my father, and she 62 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,719 Speaker 1: really didn't have any intentions of telling me that this 63 00:04:38,839 --> 00:04:41,279 Speaker 1: was my father. Since the man who raised me signed 64 00:04:41,320 --> 00:04:45,280 Speaker 1: my birth certificate raised me. I've been working with my therapist, 65 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:49,159 Speaker 1: and she says, God will give me the discernment when 66 00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:52,760 Speaker 1: to tell my sister. But I just wanted to get 67 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,160 Speaker 1: some extra feedback or just guidance of how I should 68 00:04:56,200 --> 00:05:02,320 Speaker 1: go about it. So what is your intention for telling 69 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:06,360 Speaker 1: your sister? Why are you telling you that My intentions 70 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:10,039 Speaker 1: for telling my sister is because we're very close, and 71 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:12,040 Speaker 1: I always said if the shoe was on the other 72 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:15,920 Speaker 1: but I would love for my sister to dis be honest, like, Hi, 73 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,200 Speaker 1: you know I met my real father because I've met 74 00:05:19,279 --> 00:05:22,920 Speaker 1: him in person. We don't have the best relationship because 75 00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:25,640 Speaker 1: he is still in and out of my life. Yet 76 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:28,680 Speaker 1: I just want to be able to be honest because 77 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:32,120 Speaker 1: my mother really doesn't want to deal with her past 78 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,960 Speaker 1: and she wants to keep it a secret and keep 79 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,719 Speaker 1: the family how it is. But something inside of me 80 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,239 Speaker 1: is saying, you have to break the cycle and stop 81 00:05:40,279 --> 00:05:43,840 Speaker 1: sweeping things under the rugs. Well, it's not just a 82 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,880 Speaker 1: matter of sweeping things under the rug. It's a matter 83 00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:50,640 Speaker 1: of telling the truth. And if you're in a close 84 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,680 Speaker 1: relationship with your sister, if you want to be authentic 85 00:05:54,880 --> 00:06:00,280 Speaker 1: in your relationship with your sister, then it is most 86 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:04,440 Speaker 1: appropriate to tell the truth. As you know it. It 87 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:08,359 Speaker 1: is your story to tell. If the man who raised 88 00:06:08,600 --> 00:06:11,760 Speaker 1: her wasn't her father, then it wouldn't be your story 89 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:13,920 Speaker 1: to tell. It would be your mother's story to tell. 90 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:17,200 Speaker 1: But if that's not the case, Yeah, it's your story. 91 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:21,120 Speaker 1: So what's the dilemma. I don't understand what's the problem. 92 00:06:22,480 --> 00:06:26,480 Speaker 1: I as though it will cause a lot of family 93 00:06:27,760 --> 00:06:31,400 Speaker 1: disaccord because I've spoken to my mother about telling her, 94 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:35,560 Speaker 1: and my mother anytime the conversation is brought up, she 95 00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:39,239 Speaker 1: does not want to have it. It's not your mother's 96 00:06:39,279 --> 00:06:41,719 Speaker 1: story to tell. She doesn't get a vote in you 97 00:06:41,839 --> 00:06:47,600 Speaker 1: telling your story. Now. It may cause some disruption between 98 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,599 Speaker 1: your sister and your mother, but that's your sister's choice. 99 00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:56,560 Speaker 1: That's not your choice. And unless you have a degree 100 00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:01,440 Speaker 1: in psychic one oh one, you don't know what's gonna happen. 101 00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:06,320 Speaker 1: I'm just thinking about, you know, taking into consideration. Everyone 102 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:09,840 Speaker 1: else is stilling like, I don't want to hurt my mom. 103 00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:14,920 Speaker 1: How does you telling your story hurt your mother? I 104 00:07:14,960 --> 00:07:18,840 Speaker 1: don't want my sister to view my mother in a 105 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:24,000 Speaker 1: different light because we're all very close. You're all very 106 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:28,920 Speaker 1: close on a lie. Yes, so that's not closeness beloved. 107 00:07:30,240 --> 00:07:35,480 Speaker 1: That's emotional dishonesty. Mhm. Tell me what you hear me saying, 108 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:39,880 Speaker 1: because I hear your brain clicking, just the revelation of 109 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:45,520 Speaker 1: staying we're close in a lie. Your mother has lived 110 00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:51,120 Speaker 1: this lie for how many years? Almost twenty five? And 111 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:54,440 Speaker 1: I'm not saying to discount the impact that will have 112 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,080 Speaker 1: on your mother. But sometimes when you stand in your truth, 113 00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:04,600 Speaker 1: there's no let falls on other people. Yes, so let's 114 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:06,840 Speaker 1: go here so that we can get it cleared out. 115 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,160 Speaker 1: What's the worst that you think will happen if you 116 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:15,040 Speaker 1: tell your sister that you have discovered that the man 117 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:20,160 Speaker 1: who raised you is not your biological father, her view 118 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:25,880 Speaker 1: of her life like, what else is allowed? Not being 119 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,640 Speaker 1: able to trust me again? Are not being able to 120 00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:32,480 Speaker 1: trust my mother again? Well? Why would she not trust you? 121 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:36,640 Speaker 1: You didn't know? Okay, So if she's not able to 122 00:08:36,679 --> 00:08:39,880 Speaker 1: trust you again or trust your mother again, then what 123 00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:43,400 Speaker 1: will happen? Alright? Feel as though I will take the 124 00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:50,640 Speaker 1: responsibility of perhaps breaking my DAMIAU are breaking up, dynamic up? 125 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,720 Speaker 1: And then what will happen if your experience of your 126 00:08:55,760 --> 00:09:00,920 Speaker 1: family that is bonded together in all athentically and out 127 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:04,839 Speaker 1: of integrity? If that shifts, then what will happen? I 128 00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:08,160 Speaker 1: really don't feel lost, and if you feel lost, what 129 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:12,600 Speaker 1: will happen? Mm hmm. I would ultimately have to make 130 00:09:12,640 --> 00:09:15,520 Speaker 1: the next steps in my life, and I don't know 131 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,880 Speaker 1: what that looks like. Do you know what it looks 132 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:21,400 Speaker 1: like now that you're living a lie? So honestly, right 133 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:24,160 Speaker 1: now now, the word that I have in my head 134 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:29,040 Speaker 1: is a facade. So if you disrupt the facade, what 135 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:34,480 Speaker 1: will happen? Due to certain circumstances, I might be the 136 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,240 Speaker 1: one to blame from my mother. I believe that I 137 00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: just honor my mother so much. I don't want to 138 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:46,840 Speaker 1: hurt her. Did she hurt you? And what have you 139 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:50,960 Speaker 1: done with that hurt? Beloved? For a while, I kept 140 00:09:51,000 --> 00:09:54,040 Speaker 1: it in and it showed up in my life throughout 141 00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:58,280 Speaker 1: my relationship, especially having my own daughter now. But now 142 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:03,560 Speaker 1: working through life coaching and also therapy, I've been able 143 00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:07,960 Speaker 1: to identify that a lot of are hurt hand into anger. 144 00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:14,360 Speaker 1: Mm hmmm. So what I'm hearing you say is that 145 00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:18,400 Speaker 1: you are expecting the worst. That if you stand up 146 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:22,560 Speaker 1: for yourself and bring yourself into integrity with your system 147 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:27,200 Speaker 1: by sharing your story, you are expecting the worst. So 148 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: what I would say to you is that's exactly what 149 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:37,560 Speaker 1: you'll get. You always get what you expect. However, what 150 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:43,520 Speaker 1: if this is one of your life assignments is to 151 00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 1: clear the cobwebs out, disrupt the facade, and bring a 152 00:10:48,679 --> 00:10:53,560 Speaker 1: new level of integrity on a respect, truth, love to 153 00:10:53,679 --> 00:10:57,920 Speaker 1: your family dynamic, Because what I'm hearing you say is 154 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:01,760 Speaker 1: that you're comfortable in the facade, odd that you'd rather 155 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,640 Speaker 1: keep the lie alive than run the risk of standing 156 00:11:05,679 --> 00:11:09,920 Speaker 1: up for yourself. And we'll talk about that when we 157 00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:22,360 Speaker 1: come back. Welcome back. I am me. I'm learning this 158 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,680 Speaker 1: is the our spot. I hear you saying that your 159 00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:30,840 Speaker 1: truth will hurt other people, so you'll stuff it and 160 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:35,320 Speaker 1: not tell it to protect them. You set yourself on fire. Yeah, 161 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:43,280 Speaker 1: how's that working for you? Not at all. Here's another possibility. 162 00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:49,199 Speaker 1: What if you are the light you want to share 163 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:55,160 Speaker 1: with your sister the joy that you've discovered of knowing 164 00:11:55,559 --> 00:11:59,199 Speaker 1: who your natural father is. Is there any joy in 165 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:04,520 Speaker 1: that and for you? Yeah? Oh, and what would that be? 166 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:07,680 Speaker 1: What has that done for you? What has that brought 167 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:10,920 Speaker 1: to you? What is it revealed to you? It's revealed 168 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,600 Speaker 1: a part of me that I did not know yes, 169 00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,040 Speaker 1: I didn't know who I was. I was trying to 170 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:23,840 Speaker 1: identify with someone that I was. I knew that was 171 00:12:23,920 --> 00:12:26,319 Speaker 1: so different, and I knew that I was different. But 172 00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:30,800 Speaker 1: learning about my history, learning about my family, meeting my grandparents, 173 00:12:31,200 --> 00:12:34,400 Speaker 1: that brought me joy because it allowed me to grow 174 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:37,640 Speaker 1: in my foundation. And now that's something that I can 175 00:12:37,679 --> 00:12:42,320 Speaker 1: give to my daughter. Wow. What if you shared your 176 00:12:42,400 --> 00:12:46,040 Speaker 1: story from that perspective as opposed to as gonna hurt 177 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:48,559 Speaker 1: my mother, mother, it's gonna look different, it's gonna disrupt 178 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,200 Speaker 1: my family. What if you share it from the place 179 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:55,040 Speaker 1: of joy and you want your sister to know because 180 00:12:55,559 --> 00:12:58,480 Speaker 1: you love her and yolla close. Does she know you're 181 00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:03,720 Speaker 1: in therapy? Yes? Does she know why you're in therapy? Um? No, 182 00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:07,800 Speaker 1: not really, so you haven't told her that either. We 183 00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:12,160 Speaker 1: had a conversation but not specifically for this, but just 184 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,320 Speaker 1: noticing that I didn't want to live my life how 185 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:17,680 Speaker 1: I was living it, and I want to change and 186 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,640 Speaker 1: I wanted to follow what was in my heart, and 187 00:13:21,080 --> 00:13:23,360 Speaker 1: that's why I want to therapy. I knew there was 188 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:27,160 Speaker 1: change that needed to be implemented in my life. Mm hmm. 189 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,880 Speaker 1: Was one of the changes. Getting real clear about who 190 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:35,120 Speaker 1: you are well. I find that to be quite exciting. 191 00:13:35,559 --> 00:13:37,440 Speaker 1: And if you are as close as you say to 192 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:40,679 Speaker 1: your sister, I think she would be happy for you. Now, 193 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,680 Speaker 1: she may have a little issue with your mama, but 194 00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:46,720 Speaker 1: that ain't your issue. That's all issue. Yeah, So don't 195 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:49,320 Speaker 1: go around eating up people's issues. Let people have their 196 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:53,560 Speaker 1: own issues. And that's what I was trying to take on, 197 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:56,600 Speaker 1: trying to take on the baggage, trying to protect other 198 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:03,679 Speaker 1: people from their truth as well. So yeah, So in 199 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:07,160 Speaker 1: terms of how to do it, I would say, get 200 00:14:07,160 --> 00:14:11,640 Speaker 1: clear in your mind first, why you're telling your sister this, 201 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:14,880 Speaker 1: what it is that you want her to know, and 202 00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:19,880 Speaker 1: give her the opportunity to share in your new discovery. 203 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,760 Speaker 1: You'll know when the time is right, you'll know. Take 204 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,640 Speaker 1: her out to lunch, or just go over and make 205 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,040 Speaker 1: some tea for you all, or invite her to your house. 206 00:14:29,080 --> 00:14:31,440 Speaker 1: I would say, invited to your house so that you're 207 00:14:31,480 --> 00:14:35,200 Speaker 1: comfortable in your space and your safe and let her 208 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:37,840 Speaker 1: know how important this is for you to know that 209 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:41,000 Speaker 1: you have grandparents that you didn't meet, and that your 210 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:45,240 Speaker 1: daughter has great grandparents, and that your daughter has not one, 211 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:48,960 Speaker 1: but two grandfathers. The man who raised you, your dad 212 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:54,440 Speaker 1: and your natural father. She has two grandparents. How exciting 213 00:14:54,560 --> 00:15:00,920 Speaker 1: is that? One of the things that I've discovered as 214 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:06,800 Speaker 1: usually when we run around asking people how to do something, 215 00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:11,040 Speaker 1: we know we have to do it, we just want 216 00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:15,680 Speaker 1: validation of whether it's the right thing to do and 217 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,000 Speaker 1: how to do it. So I'm going to say this. 218 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:23,520 Speaker 1: You know this is something you have to do. Otherwise 219 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,360 Speaker 1: you would not be on this car, you would not 220 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,560 Speaker 1: be in therapy, you would not it wouldn't even be 221 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: on your mind. You don't need anybody's validation of your truth. 222 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: And if, as you say, your sister loves you, if 223 00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,720 Speaker 1: as you say, you all are really close, it may 224 00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:45,600 Speaker 1: create a little ripple in the force. Feel But what 225 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,320 Speaker 1: I think is that your sister's going to jump to 226 00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:52,880 Speaker 1: your defense, and she may go after your mother. And 227 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:57,560 Speaker 1: what you can always offer her is listen, she did 228 00:15:57,600 --> 00:15:59,640 Speaker 1: what she thought was right for her at the time, 229 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:05,720 Speaker 1: but time also reveal the truth. So if you want 230 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:07,560 Speaker 1: to be mad at her, you can. I'm not mad 231 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:12,840 Speaker 1: at her anymore. So tell me what you know now 232 00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,320 Speaker 1: that you didn't know when you called. I know that 233 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,680 Speaker 1: standing up for myself can be scary, yet it's needed 234 00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:26,560 Speaker 1: in order for me to expect in my foundation. And also, 235 00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:32,120 Speaker 1: my truth does not have to be acceptable to other people. Damn, 236 00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:37,960 Speaker 1: your truth does not have to be acceptable to other people. 237 00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:41,480 Speaker 1: And at the same time, you can respect them enough 238 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,760 Speaker 1: and love them enough to know that they can handle 239 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:48,920 Speaker 1: your truth. Now, why your mother lied and all of 240 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,600 Speaker 1: that other stuff that's none of your business. That's your 241 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:56,000 Speaker 1: mama's business. Let her handle her business. You don't have 242 00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:00,200 Speaker 1: to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. Well, 243 00:17:00,200 --> 00:17:06,480 Speaker 1: good for you. I trust your sister. Okay, and do 244 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:09,840 Speaker 1: me a favor what we've shared. Run it by your 245 00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:17,280 Speaker 1: therapist before you do it. Okay, already, thank you, Thank 246 00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:29,240 Speaker 1: you for calling. Good luck to you, Bye bye. Whenever 247 00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:33,639 Speaker 1: there's a breakdown in a relationship, one of the hardest 248 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,560 Speaker 1: things for us to do is to see the breakdown 249 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:42,680 Speaker 1: from the other person's perspective. Even when we're not fighting 250 00:17:42,720 --> 00:17:45,160 Speaker 1: to be right, or even when we're not pushing our 251 00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:48,360 Speaker 1: point across, and even when we think we are doing 252 00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:52,000 Speaker 1: the best, it is hard for us to get on 253 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:55,720 Speaker 1: the other side of the table, put on the other 254 00:17:55,800 --> 00:18:01,880 Speaker 1: person's panties or box of drawers, and see the experience 255 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:07,240 Speaker 1: from the other person's side, because we're so busy making 256 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,200 Speaker 1: ourselves right and making them wrong. It's just a common 257 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:14,439 Speaker 1: human thing, even when we don't have a malicious or 258 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:18,119 Speaker 1: vicious intent, even when we really want to do the 259 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:24,280 Speaker 1: right thing, it's hard to get on the other person's 260 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:29,000 Speaker 1: side of the table. But that is what's necessary for healing. 261 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:36,639 Speaker 1: I've got another call about just that thing. Greetings, be love, 262 00:18:36,720 --> 00:18:39,080 Speaker 1: and welcome to the our spot. Thank you for calling 263 00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:43,200 Speaker 1: in today. And what is your relationship challenge issue dilemma 264 00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,439 Speaker 1: that we can nibble on together? Well, thank you for 265 00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:53,040 Speaker 1: having me. My relationship dilemma is with my sister. Oh boy, yeah, 266 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:57,359 Speaker 1: So she's my older sister. Herr and I have the 267 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:02,800 Speaker 1: same other different fathers, and I think throughout my life 268 00:19:03,359 --> 00:19:09,359 Speaker 1: there's been some jealousy in terms of her father and 269 00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:12,560 Speaker 1: not be get around though my father was completely there 270 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:15,000 Speaker 1: for her, supports her still to the stay and she's 271 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:19,200 Speaker 1: fifty one years old. Her father was incarcerated not around 272 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:21,359 Speaker 1: he and my and my mother were divorced, and she 273 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:25,160 Speaker 1: doesn't even acknowledge him as her father today. However, her 274 00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,840 Speaker 1: and my mom had a challenging relationship. My mother in 275 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,480 Speaker 1: her away when I was younger to live with our grandmother, 276 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:34,520 Speaker 1: because she was very violent. We get into fights all 277 00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:37,920 Speaker 1: of those things. So who did your sister was violent? 278 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:41,320 Speaker 1: She was. She would fight my mother because she would 279 00:19:41,359 --> 00:19:43,679 Speaker 1: do things like when I was younger, she would leave 280 00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:45,679 Speaker 1: me outside when I would come home from school, and 281 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,760 Speaker 1: my mother wasn't really happy with that. She would be 282 00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:52,760 Speaker 1: promiscuous to just do different things, and so after a 283 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:55,920 Speaker 1: while she would get into physical fights with my mom, 284 00:19:56,600 --> 00:19:58,680 Speaker 1: and my mother sent her away to live with our 285 00:19:58,680 --> 00:20:03,639 Speaker 1: grandmother and different states until she was no longer welcome 286 00:20:03,720 --> 00:20:06,720 Speaker 1: to stay there because she was promiscuous and cause a 287 00:20:06,760 --> 00:20:10,320 Speaker 1: lot of trouble. They sent her back and she had 288 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:13,080 Speaker 1: children and so, you know, my mom and I had 289 00:20:13,119 --> 00:20:15,280 Speaker 1: to take care of them. So her my mom never 290 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:18,119 Speaker 1: really had a stable relationship. I had a great relationship 291 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,679 Speaker 1: with my mother, and so they didn't really talk a 292 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,639 Speaker 1: lot because my mother challenged her on things that she 293 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:27,359 Speaker 1: should be doing and she wasn't doing. And so my 294 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,800 Speaker 1: mom transitions last year. She never really called or talked 295 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,639 Speaker 1: to my mother or visit her anything. But of course 296 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:38,879 Speaker 1: when my mom transitioned, she made this big you know, 297 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,320 Speaker 1: she wanted to do these grand gestures at the funeral 298 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:43,639 Speaker 1: and she now all of a sudden. My mom's her 299 00:20:43,760 --> 00:20:46,879 Speaker 1: queen and you know, all these things just seeking that 300 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:51,719 Speaker 1: validation of public attention. And it kind of left me 301 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:55,360 Speaker 1: feeling a little upset because I feel like she didn't 302 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:58,360 Speaker 1: cultivate the relationship she should have while she was fever. 303 00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:04,840 Speaker 1: I know that's a lot. No it's not. But you're 304 00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:09,560 Speaker 1: speaking betrays she and I'm sure you don't know that. 305 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,760 Speaker 1: So let's see if we can unpack some of this. Okay, 306 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,480 Speaker 1: So are you and your sister in communication now? No? 307 00:21:19,119 --> 00:21:23,200 Speaker 1: Um so, Actually, my mother's birthday just passed, and while 308 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,080 Speaker 1: I was there on the day of her birthday, I 309 00:21:25,119 --> 00:21:28,199 Speaker 1: texted her just saying, hey, this thinking of you today 310 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:32,000 Speaker 1: and you know, love you, what have you? She never responded, 311 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,960 Speaker 1: and my father said she never responded to his call 312 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,120 Speaker 1: as well, and then I texted her again actually last night. 313 00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:41,920 Speaker 1: So and why do you tell yourself she's not responding. 314 00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:46,760 Speaker 1: She's upset that. I guess I still continue to be 315 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:51,680 Speaker 1: there and make myself a bailable to my mother to 316 00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:55,399 Speaker 1: honor her, and I think she thinks it makes her 317 00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:58,439 Speaker 1: look a certain way that she is not. Now do 318 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,320 Speaker 1: you know that to be true or is that what 319 00:22:00,400 --> 00:22:03,159 Speaker 1: you've made up that's probably what I made up, and 320 00:22:03,200 --> 00:22:08,040 Speaker 1: I think the reason why I think it's true. Again, 321 00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:12,399 Speaker 1: she made very public declarations right during the service, but 322 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:19,080 Speaker 1: privately she was never there and so on social media, 323 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,640 Speaker 1: of course, I did make a post just saying happy 324 00:22:22,680 --> 00:22:26,160 Speaker 1: birthday to my mother, but they were pictures showing me, 325 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:31,640 Speaker 1: my father and her son. You know there, my sister's son. Yeah, 326 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:33,480 Speaker 1: he's almost like a son to me. He and I 327 00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,639 Speaker 1: are very close. He actually used to call me his 328 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:41,880 Speaker 1: mother and not my sister. Mm hmmm. Is that one 329 00:22:41,920 --> 00:22:46,720 Speaker 1: of your sister's children at your mother raised. Yes, she 330 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,240 Speaker 1: has three children, and my nephew was the first grandchild, 331 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:53,480 Speaker 1: and my mother was upset with my sister over the 332 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:56,600 Speaker 1: fact that his father wasn't in his life and my 333 00:22:56,680 --> 00:23:00,400 Speaker 1: sister wasn't really around, you know, she was partying and 334 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:03,680 Speaker 1: not taking care of him. So I took care of him. 335 00:23:03,720 --> 00:23:04,919 Speaker 1: I was in high school at the time, but when 336 00:23:04,920 --> 00:23:06,400 Speaker 1: I would get home, I would be there. My mother 337 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,040 Speaker 1: would take care of him, and my mother took care 338 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:13,520 Speaker 1: of him until her passing. Financially, he lived with my parents. 339 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:17,840 Speaker 1: He would get guidance and things from me. Let me 340 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:23,439 Speaker 1: ask you this question, is your relationship to your sister 341 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:28,680 Speaker 1: an important relationship in your life. I mean, does it 342 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:32,600 Speaker 1: bring you joy? Do you value it? Okay, so it's 343 00:23:32,640 --> 00:23:37,240 Speaker 1: not important relationships, So why are you bothering If it's 344 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:42,840 Speaker 1: not an important relationship? Can you give yourself permission to 345 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:47,240 Speaker 1: accept it just as it is? I think what troubles 346 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:53,439 Speaker 1: me about it is I've always wanted a relationship with her. 347 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:57,880 Speaker 1: I mean, she's my sister, and now that my mother 348 00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:03,240 Speaker 1: is no longer here, uh, I want her and I 349 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:07,159 Speaker 1: as women to be able to bond over like the 350 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,679 Speaker 1: commonality of like we have the same mother and create 351 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:13,399 Speaker 1: a new relationship, one that we've not had, just because 352 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:16,960 Speaker 1: she still represents a piece of my mother. And I 353 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,840 Speaker 1: think that's why I'm bothered. So you want her because 354 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:23,800 Speaker 1: she represents a piece of your mother, not because you 355 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:26,719 Speaker 1: accept her for who she is, just as she is. 356 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:30,320 Speaker 1: M I never thought about it that way. Well, like 357 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:35,199 Speaker 1: I said, you're speaking betraysure, and trust me when I 358 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,840 Speaker 1: tell you she has felt that he felt it. Yeah, 359 00:24:39,080 --> 00:24:44,200 Speaker 1: you said early on in your communication that you believe 360 00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:50,800 Speaker 1: that she was jealous because her father wasn't around and 361 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:55,560 Speaker 1: your father raised both of you. How do you think 362 00:24:56,359 --> 00:25:03,000 Speaker 1: it made this young girl feel that her daddy wasn't there. 363 00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:07,040 Speaker 1: Get on her side at the table. Yeah, this man 364 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,399 Speaker 1: is good and he's wonderful, and but he ain't my daddy. 365 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,640 Speaker 1: Where's my daddy? How do you think that made her 366 00:25:11,680 --> 00:25:16,200 Speaker 1: feel sad and hurt? Yeah? And how did your mother 367 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:20,360 Speaker 1: deal with that that the man she chose to lay 368 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:23,600 Speaker 1: down with, the man she chose to have a child with, 369 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:28,280 Speaker 1: was absent. His child is in her care feeling sad 370 00:25:28,320 --> 00:25:31,560 Speaker 1: and hurt? How did your mother deal with that? He didn't. 371 00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,800 Speaker 1: She did not address it, and she did not. Ah, 372 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,320 Speaker 1: So something that is important to this young girl whose 373 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,840 Speaker 1: father isn't there, wasn't dealt with. You want to know 374 00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:46,080 Speaker 1: why she was fighting your mother because she was mad 375 00:25:46,119 --> 00:25:51,320 Speaker 1: as hell? What matters to me isn't important. What I 376 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:57,480 Speaker 1: feel isn't important. I felt that, and I feel that. Well, 377 00:25:57,960 --> 00:26:00,960 Speaker 1: let me offer you this to consider that your mother 378 00:26:01,119 --> 00:26:04,320 Speaker 1: was in relationship with a man who ended up incarcerated. 379 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,000 Speaker 1: So there probably was some issues between her and him 380 00:26:08,359 --> 00:26:10,600 Speaker 1: that she never wanted to talk to you or his 381 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,320 Speaker 1: daughter about. How about that? And that's a right as 382 00:26:14,359 --> 00:26:18,920 Speaker 1: a woman. But when there's a child involved, you've got 383 00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:22,840 Speaker 1: to secure the child first and address the needs of 384 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:28,120 Speaker 1: the child first, And it is so very common that 385 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:34,320 Speaker 1: when a woman is in breakdown with the child's father 386 00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:38,040 Speaker 1: that she will not or does not address the issue 387 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,800 Speaker 1: and expects the child to be okay with that. She 388 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:46,640 Speaker 1: had a right to know and then build her relationship, 389 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:49,680 Speaker 1: or not build her relationship, but just to say it's 390 00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:55,080 Speaker 1: not important for you to know who your father is. Yeah, 391 00:26:55,240 --> 00:26:58,520 Speaker 1: she probably was jealous because you had something she wanted 392 00:26:59,520 --> 00:27:03,639 Speaker 1: her father. He couldn't be good enough to her to 393 00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:08,760 Speaker 1: erase the human instinct to want to know where you 394 00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:13,280 Speaker 1: came from. Don't mean she don't appreciate it. Yeah. Okay, 395 00:27:13,359 --> 00:27:16,760 Speaker 1: So we've got this young girl who is feeling out 396 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:20,600 Speaker 1: of place, sad, heart and angry. Yeah, you sound like 397 00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,879 Speaker 1: a very learned woman to me. Do you know the 398 00:27:25,480 --> 00:27:30,880 Speaker 1: number one cause of promiscuity among young girls? I would 399 00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:37,399 Speaker 1: say father's or parents not being their lives, daddy loss daughters. Yeah, 400 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:41,360 Speaker 1: ask me how I know? How do you know I'm 401 00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:52,600 Speaker 1: a ciana? None of your business. No, So fast forward. Hurt, sad, angry, 402 00:27:52,600 --> 00:27:57,720 Speaker 1: looking for love, shows up at the mother's funeral, seeking 403 00:27:57,800 --> 00:28:02,119 Speaker 1: public attention, making grand and gestures. Can you see the 404 00:28:02,160 --> 00:28:07,359 Speaker 1: connection there? I can't that the hurt sad, angry little 405 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:12,000 Speaker 1: girl would show up where everybody is and try to 406 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:16,520 Speaker 1: get their attention, and even telling untruths because it's an 407 00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:20,399 Speaker 1: untruth that the man who gave her everything was her father. 408 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:24,520 Speaker 1: He wasn't. He was her dad, but he wasn't her father, 409 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:28,000 Speaker 1: So she was taught how to live an untruth. Does 410 00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:31,480 Speaker 1: that make sense to you, It makes a lot of sense. Yeah. 411 00:28:32,040 --> 00:28:33,920 Speaker 1: I did not look at it that way at all. 412 00:28:34,720 --> 00:28:39,280 Speaker 1: I never have. But I want you to hear the 413 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:47,000 Speaker 1: depth of hurt and sadness in the core of her being. 414 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 1: You got to get that if you don't get nothing else. 415 00:28:51,200 --> 00:28:56,120 Speaker 1: And then, not knowing how else to manage it, she 416 00:28:56,240 --> 00:29:01,280 Speaker 1: expresses herself in this very inappropriate way, and instead of 417 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:05,320 Speaker 1: somebody gathering her up in their bosom and letting her 418 00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:09,560 Speaker 1: weep her heart out, they send her away. Yeah, you 419 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,880 Speaker 1: ain't want it. You don't want you here, which is 420 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:16,880 Speaker 1: probably the secret thought your mother had about having a 421 00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,320 Speaker 1: baby by a man that would beat her and end 422 00:29:19,400 --> 00:29:23,239 Speaker 1: up in jail. Yeah, it's not your story, but I 423 00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:28,760 Speaker 1: need to understand this. But you said something so powerful 424 00:29:28,880 --> 00:29:32,120 Speaker 1: and so beautiful. You said you want to build a 425 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:38,520 Speaker 1: relationship with her, as women, a relationship that you've never had. 426 00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:43,080 Speaker 1: But I'm going to challenge you on it. We'll talk 427 00:29:43,120 --> 00:29:55,160 Speaker 1: more about it when we come back. Welcome back to 428 00:29:55,200 --> 00:29:58,840 Speaker 1: the our spot. Let's get back to the conversation. You 429 00:29:58,880 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 1: said you want to build the relationship with her as women, 430 00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:07,080 Speaker 1: and I'm gonna ask you why if you met her 431 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,000 Speaker 1: at a barbecue and she was there and you saw 432 00:30:10,040 --> 00:30:11,880 Speaker 1: her the way she dressed, the way she talks, the 433 00:30:11,920 --> 00:30:14,440 Speaker 1: way she looks, how she shows up, would she be 434 00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:18,880 Speaker 1: somebody you want to build a relationship with. So, not 435 00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:21,480 Speaker 1: that you shouldn't do this at all, but I want 436 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,840 Speaker 1: you to get how you're going into this thing. What 437 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:29,040 Speaker 1: I want to encourage you to do is find that 438 00:30:29,120 --> 00:30:33,760 Speaker 1: place of compassion within yourself to look at this woman, 439 00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:40,719 Speaker 1: your sister, and learn to accept who she is just 440 00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:47,720 Speaker 1: as she is, no conditions, no questions, no judgments. Okay, 441 00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:52,560 Speaker 1: And if you can't do that, leave it alone. You 442 00:30:52,600 --> 00:30:55,600 Speaker 1: can still text her love you, you can call her 443 00:30:55,680 --> 00:30:59,800 Speaker 1: for a birthday, sent her something nice, But until you 444 00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:04,040 Speaker 1: get clear, don't try to create a relationship with her, 445 00:31:05,160 --> 00:31:09,040 Speaker 1: because that's only going to hurt her even more. Yeah. Yeah, 446 00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:11,560 Speaker 1: I had a sister who wasn't my sister. We didn't 447 00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:15,880 Speaker 1: share mother and father, but we were raised together as sisters. 448 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:21,040 Speaker 1: But she didn't like me because she was an only child. 449 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:23,800 Speaker 1: My brother and I when we were young were kind 450 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:26,840 Speaker 1: of infused into her life and told that we were 451 00:31:26,840 --> 00:31:30,560 Speaker 1: her brother and sister. You know, she was eleven twelve 452 00:31:30,680 --> 00:31:34,840 Speaker 1: thirteen when we showed up and she you know, I 453 00:31:34,880 --> 00:31:37,560 Speaker 1: can't say my sister ever did anything mean to me. 454 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:41,600 Speaker 1: I was like a mole. You know, you have a 455 00:31:41,640 --> 00:31:45,400 Speaker 1: mole on your face and it's there. You have to 456 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,560 Speaker 1: accept it, you have to like it, you put makeup 457 00:31:47,640 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 1: on it. You you really don't want the mole there. 458 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:54,320 Speaker 1: You just don't want it there where it's at. And 459 00:31:54,320 --> 00:31:57,040 Speaker 1: that's how she treated men. And it took me a 460 00:31:57,080 --> 00:32:00,400 Speaker 1: long time to really understand what that was us, and 461 00:32:00,480 --> 00:32:05,480 Speaker 1: to not make myself responsible for it, but to understand it. 462 00:32:05,760 --> 00:32:07,680 Speaker 1: But I tell you, and as soon as I got 463 00:32:07,680 --> 00:32:10,160 Speaker 1: an opportunity to get the hell away from her, I did. 464 00:32:10,760 --> 00:32:13,560 Speaker 1: And then she died, and then I really had to 465 00:32:13,600 --> 00:32:18,800 Speaker 1: do some work. So what I'm saying to you is 466 00:32:20,240 --> 00:32:24,160 Speaker 1: love her and prepare yourself. You see, you would never 467 00:32:24,200 --> 00:32:29,760 Speaker 1: give her space to unload about your mom. You want 468 00:32:29,840 --> 00:32:34,040 Speaker 1: her to celebrate the woman that denied her needs and 469 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:37,480 Speaker 1: didn't handle her needs and sent her away. You want 470 00:32:37,480 --> 00:32:39,720 Speaker 1: her to honor your mother the same way you do. 471 00:32:39,960 --> 00:32:44,480 Speaker 1: Come on, Yeah, you're right. Until she does some healing work, 472 00:32:45,120 --> 00:32:49,240 Speaker 1: that's not going to happen. You're exactly right. So what 473 00:32:49,320 --> 00:32:53,520 Speaker 1: can you do differently? Now? Wow? I think I need 474 00:32:53,520 --> 00:33:02,720 Speaker 1: to look inward at my motivation or why I want 475 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:07,000 Speaker 1: us to be in each other's lives, and my motivation 476 00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,000 Speaker 1: for even thinking the way that I'm thinking in terms 477 00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:12,640 Speaker 1: of her not being present and not doing those things 478 00:33:12,640 --> 00:33:15,120 Speaker 1: for a mother. I need to look at why I'm 479 00:33:15,240 --> 00:33:23,600 Speaker 1: creating those narratives, and then I need to just be there, 480 00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:29,280 Speaker 1: be there for her to talk, to be just listen. 481 00:33:29,320 --> 00:33:31,800 Speaker 1: I guess without condition, and even if it's something that 482 00:33:31,840 --> 00:33:35,240 Speaker 1: I don't want to hear, and be willing to be 483 00:33:36,720 --> 00:33:41,440 Speaker 1: wrong and not so much wrong but slified, so to speak, 484 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:43,760 Speaker 1: because she's going to have a certain perspective that I 485 00:33:43,800 --> 00:33:47,840 Speaker 1: don't have, be willing for her to see it differently. 486 00:33:48,840 --> 00:33:53,440 Speaker 1: Her experience was different. I'm telling you, my heart goes 487 00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:57,440 Speaker 1: out to her. She's suffering in ways that you can't 488 00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:01,880 Speaker 1: even comprehend, and just your mere present. That's another source 489 00:34:01,960 --> 00:34:05,960 Speaker 1: of embarrassment. And shame and guilt. You a problem. Do 490 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:11,560 Speaker 1: you get that you represent everything that has gone wrong 491 00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:15,120 Speaker 1: in her life? And that's not what I was trying 492 00:34:15,160 --> 00:34:18,800 Speaker 1: to be. No, there's nothing you need to do, there's 493 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:21,640 Speaker 1: nothing you've done. I just wanted you to be on 494 00:34:21,719 --> 00:34:24,319 Speaker 1: her side of the table and look back at it 495 00:34:24,400 --> 00:34:27,880 Speaker 1: from another perspective until you can want to be in 496 00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:32,799 Speaker 1: relationship with her, woman to woman, each of you accepting 497 00:34:33,040 --> 00:34:35,839 Speaker 1: who you are, just as you are, with no conditions 498 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:39,359 Speaker 1: and no judgments. I would say, do your relationship by 499 00:34:39,440 --> 00:34:46,120 Speaker 1: texts and cards. Yes, that's that's the safest option. Don't 500 00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:50,839 Speaker 1: expect her to shift until you shift, yep, because when 501 00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:54,560 Speaker 1: you shift, you're gonna see her differently, and you don't 502 00:34:54,560 --> 00:34:56,880 Speaker 1: have to feel sorry for her. You don't have to 503 00:34:56,920 --> 00:35:00,400 Speaker 1: pity her. And I offer you this, if ever you 504 00:35:00,480 --> 00:35:04,000 Speaker 1: have a conversation with her and the two of you 505 00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,759 Speaker 1: want to talk to me together, I would welcome that 506 00:35:06,840 --> 00:35:11,560 Speaker 1: phone call than you, because I don't know if anybody 507 00:35:11,680 --> 00:35:15,799 Speaker 1: has ever witnessed her pain, and I will venture to 508 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:20,279 Speaker 1: say that no one has. Yeah, good for you, and 509 00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:24,240 Speaker 1: even though you've got some work to do, your good sister, Well, 510 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:27,919 Speaker 1: thank you. I'm gonna pray that one day the two 511 00:35:27,960 --> 00:35:30,200 Speaker 1: of you will be able to be together as women. 512 00:35:30,600 --> 00:35:34,800 Speaker 1: I really appreciate that. I'm going to work on shift. Okay, 513 00:35:34,840 --> 00:35:37,719 Speaker 1: tell me something you know now that you didn't know 514 00:35:37,800 --> 00:35:45,120 Speaker 1: when you call me. I know now that I I've 515 00:35:45,160 --> 00:35:48,680 Speaker 1: been operating, I think from a selfish place in this 516 00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:52,520 Speaker 1: entire situation. Don't be so hard on your side. You're 517 00:35:52,640 --> 00:35:58,959 Speaker 1: operating from your perspective and didn't recognize your sister's pain. Yeah, 518 00:35:58,960 --> 00:36:02,959 Speaker 1: I think I would. I don't know if you see 519 00:36:02,960 --> 00:36:04,520 Speaker 1: this to be harsh, but it's just the way I 520 00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:07,319 Speaker 1: see it. I think that I was doing to her 521 00:36:07,440 --> 00:36:11,319 Speaker 1: what my mother did to her. Bingo, bam, you got 522 00:36:11,360 --> 00:36:17,600 Speaker 1: it that. I'm so glad you know that. So forgive yourself. 523 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:23,080 Speaker 1: Recognize her suffering, don't sit in it with her, because 524 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:26,600 Speaker 1: she's perfectly capable of healing and pulling herself up. You've 525 00:36:26,640 --> 00:36:28,799 Speaker 1: got to know that about her and see that about it. 526 00:36:30,120 --> 00:36:32,520 Speaker 1: And the same way you make up stuff about her, 527 00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:38,799 Speaker 1: she makes up stuff about you. I'm sure, oh man. 528 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,640 Speaker 1: The two things I want you to leave this call 529 00:36:41,719 --> 00:36:47,920 Speaker 1: with our I forgive myself for the ways I have 530 00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:52,000 Speaker 1: judged my sister, the way my mother judged her. And 531 00:36:52,080 --> 00:36:57,920 Speaker 1: I forgive myself for not recognizing my sister suffering. I 532 00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:03,799 Speaker 1: praise she knows peace. Those two things will thank you 533 00:37:03,880 --> 00:37:08,120 Speaker 1: so much. I appreciate you. Thank you for calling. Thank you. 534 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:15,719 Speaker 1: Have a great day. Okay, bye bye bye. There are 535 00:37:16,000 --> 00:37:24,080 Speaker 1: several important ingredients that keep relationships healthy. People will talk 536 00:37:24,120 --> 00:37:29,720 Speaker 1: about communication and commitment, but they often forget about the truth. 537 00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:38,719 Speaker 1: And very often in relationships, we withhold the truth in 538 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:43,480 Speaker 1: an effort to protect people from what we think they 539 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:47,480 Speaker 1: can handle well. I think a psychological term for that 540 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,680 Speaker 1: is co dependency. I won't call you on your stuff, 541 00:37:50,719 --> 00:37:52,719 Speaker 1: you don't call me all my stuff. In other words, 542 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:55,640 Speaker 1: we don't tell each other the truth. One of my 543 00:37:55,840 --> 00:38:00,919 Speaker 1: favorite lessons from a course in miracles is t will 544 00:38:01,000 --> 00:38:06,440 Speaker 1: correct all errors in my mind. If you want your 545 00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:11,160 Speaker 1: relationship to grow and thrive, if you want the errors 546 00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,759 Speaker 1: in your thinking about who you are and who they 547 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:16,600 Speaker 1: are and what is possible, if you want that to 548 00:38:16,680 --> 00:38:22,440 Speaker 1: be corrected, you simply must tell the truth. And sometimes 549 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:26,680 Speaker 1: the truth you need to tell may have a negative 550 00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:32,840 Speaker 1: impact on other people. Know this, they will survive or not. 551 00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:38,600 Speaker 1: You still get to choose. I hope this has been 552 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:41,800 Speaker 1: helpful to someone, And if you have a question about 553 00:38:41,920 --> 00:38:45,759 Speaker 1: this or any other relationship issue, you can call me 554 00:38:45,880 --> 00:38:50,040 Speaker 1: live at seven seven five three zero seven seven seven 555 00:38:50,080 --> 00:38:52,640 Speaker 1: six eight. Now be sure to follow me on social 556 00:38:52,680 --> 00:38:56,239 Speaker 1: media for all of the calling times, and until then, 557 00:38:56,719 --> 00:39:05,120 Speaker 1: stay in peace and not peace Peace. The R Spot 558 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:08,920 Speaker 1: is a production of Shondaland Audio in partnership with I 559 00:39:09,080 --> 00:39:13,719 Speaker 1: Heart Radio. For more podcasts from Shondaland Audio, visit the 560 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:17,800 Speaker 1: I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you listen 561 00:39:17,840 --> 00:39:19,320 Speaker 1: to your favorite shows.