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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and welcome to Steph.

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Speaker 1: I've never told your production of I Heart Radio. Annie.

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Speaker 1: I have a question for you, Okay, can you tell

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Speaker 1: me a time in your childhood you had a friendship

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Speaker 1: ending moment? So the one that comes immediately to mind

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Speaker 1: actually wasn't a friendship ending moment for me, but one

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Speaker 1: of my best friends who's been on the show now, Katie,

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Speaker 1: and I have two best friends Katie, so that's very confusing.

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Speaker 1: But recently. Katie. We grew up together. We were neighbors,

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Speaker 1: and um, I loved hanging out with her. She was

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Speaker 1: friends with another Katie, my goodness, Katie Jokes, who was

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Speaker 1: like a cool kid, and I was very much not

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Speaker 1: a cool kid at this point. This was like third grade.

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Speaker 1: I was cool up until third great but then things changed.

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Speaker 1: But they were both at my house because Katie had

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Speaker 1: come to visit my friend Katie, and my friend Katie

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Speaker 1: wanted to come hang out with me. And I'm sorry

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Speaker 1: this is so confusing, but we were playing like that

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Speaker 1: game of Hot Scotch where you it's like a snail.

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Speaker 1: I don't know if anybody remembers that, but we loved

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Speaker 1: playing it and Katie Jones reached her boiling point and

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Speaker 1: said to my friend Katie, like, I don't like this girl, Annie.

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Speaker 1: You choose right here now which one of us is

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Speaker 1: it gonna be, because I will walk out of here

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Speaker 1: right now. We won't be friends anymore. And I was

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Speaker 1: just kind of shocked because I didn't know where this

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Speaker 1: code had come from. But my friend Katie, she just

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Speaker 1: continued to play the game in silence, didn't say anything,

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Speaker 1: and Katie Jones walked away by yourself at history was made? Wow, Yeah, okay,

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Speaker 1: it was pretty dramatic. That was dramatic. I've never had

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Speaker 1: a full fledged declaration and giving you an ultimatum. Wow,

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Speaker 1: especially in middle school that it was elementary school. Wow.

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Speaker 1: And uh yeah. They were not friends again after that.

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Speaker 1: And things were always awkward between me and Katie Jones.

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Speaker 1: And we both played clarinet and band. It was a

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Speaker 1: little tense. I love it. You gotta love have competition,

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Speaker 1: That's what that is, right. I was second chair, she

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Speaker 1: was third. Oh nice, you went no. Yeah. I think

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Speaker 1: I've had a few incidents. I know I had one

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Speaker 1: friend who was so bossy that I finally I remember

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Speaker 1: being on a swing set. I just looked at her

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Speaker 1: and yelled at her, stopped telling me what to do,

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Speaker 1: and walked off, and we were never friends after that.

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Speaker 1: It was weird because it was more of like she

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Speaker 1: was trying to get me to talk to a boy,

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Speaker 1: and I didn't like that. Yeah, and that was kind

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Speaker 1: of the end of the friendship because I was like,

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Speaker 1: I don't want to talk to even though I'm pretty

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Speaker 1: sure I would say annoying one as the kid. But

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Speaker 1: that's the one I can remember more so than anything else.

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Speaker 1: And a lot of my friendships didn't end because anything bad,

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Speaker 1: but a lot of them ended because they moved away

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Speaker 1: or circumstances happened where we changed an interest, But it

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Speaker 1: was never like we can't be friends I think of.

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Speaker 1: I did have my other next door neighbor, Jordan's. She

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Speaker 1: was a bit younger than me, and I kind of

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Speaker 1: resented her after a while because it was this situation

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Speaker 1: where we always car pulled together. We did our mom's

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Speaker 1: were friends, so it was just like convenience, and she

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Speaker 1: spent so much time at my house and we babysit

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Speaker 1: her family, and I really didn't like her brothers. I

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Speaker 1: felt like they were mean to my brother and they

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Speaker 1: took advantage of all of our stuff, Like we would

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Speaker 1: be not at home and we would come home and

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Speaker 1: they were like using all of our stuff, and it

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Speaker 1: it bothered me, but I was I think looking back,

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Speaker 1: I was kind of controlling, but she was also kind

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Speaker 1: of me, and I overheard her talking about me on

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Speaker 1: several occasions, and eventually I was like, I don't think

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Speaker 1: her friends anymore. You know, I had that too. I

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Speaker 1: had a friend that I was friends with her for

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Speaker 1: three or four years, but it was definitely one of

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Speaker 1: those friendships that I was her psychic, if you know

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Speaker 1: what I like. She would do all these things so

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Speaker 1: I would have to hang out with her to so

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Speaker 1: she could hang out with this boy. I would have

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Speaker 1: to do this with her that she would love that

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Speaker 1: I didn't want to do, but I'm like, okay, I'm here.

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Speaker 1: And I remember her trying to get validation and wanting

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Speaker 1: to flirt with boys, and that was fine. That was

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Speaker 1: just not something I want to do. And I was

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Speaker 1: very scared of boys at this point in time, and

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Speaker 1: I remember her making fun of me for that and

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Speaker 1: I was like, look, just because you like being with

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Speaker 1: all the guys doesn't mean I want to. She took

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Speaker 1: that as me calling her a slut and told her

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Speaker 1: friends that I was called I called her a slut,

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Speaker 1: and so like they completely heard that, and then I

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Speaker 1: was judgmental and I could hear them talking about me.

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Speaker 1: They would gang up on me on the bus. I

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Speaker 1: said by myself. Oh yeah, I was one of those stories.

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Speaker 1: We kept kind of in touch for the most part,

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Speaker 1: but we definitely because we were also different grades and

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Speaker 1: all of that, so that changed. She got a car,

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Speaker 1: I didn't get a car. I had to work. She

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Speaker 1: didn't have to work, so I was all nice for her.

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Speaker 1: But yeah, it was really weird friendship. I remember we're

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Speaker 1: trying to figure out how like a man. I was like,

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Speaker 1: this is a bad, uh teenage movie, right, But yes,

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Speaker 1: we've discussed. I'm sure everybody's wondering why we're talking about this,

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Speaker 1: and we've discussed before the power of female friendship and

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Speaker 1: the power of platonic female connection, and honestly, it's something

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Speaker 1: that's been a comfort and a lot of big, big

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Speaker 1: help in this last year. Friendship is, by the way

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Speaker 1: to fined by Miriam Webster as the state of being friends,

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Speaker 1: or the quality or state of being friendly. Just feel

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Speaker 1: like that's not strong enough of a definition to me,

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Speaker 1: because I'm like friendship was so powerful. Maybe that's right.

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Speaker 1: It's almost like the acquaintance. Yeah, I feel like there's

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Speaker 1: a bunch of levels of friends. You know, you've got

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Speaker 1: your your inner circle friends, and then you've got kind

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Speaker 1: of your acquaintance friends, and I don't know, yeah you do.

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Speaker 1: That's like the best friend title, Who's the best friend?

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Speaker 1: Who's your crew? Definitely a lot of titles to that.

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Speaker 1: And if you've been a listener of the show, I

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Speaker 1: think you probably already know. We are all about women

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Speaker 1: supporting women, and about how important it is to maintain

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Speaker 1: friendships with other women. As in fact, I've always been

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Speaker 1: one of those who go by the Leslie Nope motto

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Speaker 1: of uterus is before uterus is, and I mean that

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Speaker 1: for anyone with a uterus. And of course, one of

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Speaker 1: my I think one of my better qualities I don't know,

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Speaker 1: is that I am ridiculously loyal and I'm definitely one

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Speaker 1: of those that you just can't mess with my people.

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Speaker 1: If you do, I'm coming to get you real hard.

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Speaker 1: I don't agree. I think you're very loyal. I thank

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Speaker 1: you're a wonderful friend. Thank you. Yeah. I one of

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Speaker 1: the most fortunate areas I think in my life is

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Speaker 1: that I had really good and strong friendships with other

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Speaker 1: girls and women pretty much my entire life. And some

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Speaker 1: of those you know, did fade away or turned out

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Speaker 1: to not work out for whatever reason. But I had

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Speaker 1: a core group of friends from high school and I'm

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Speaker 1: still really good friends with him, we still see each other.

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Speaker 1: And then I have people from college, and then i

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Speaker 1: have people from work and like outside circles, and I

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Speaker 1: just think it's so whenever I'm thinking of difficult situations

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Speaker 1: and how do you get through it or what you

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Speaker 1: enjoy in life, it's almost always like, oh, I have

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Speaker 1: the support of my friends. I have the support of

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Speaker 1: this group of friends. They're there for me, and did

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Speaker 1: they bring so much joy and all so much support

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Speaker 1: as well. And I know people in my life who

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Speaker 1: I'm close to who don't have that, who don't have

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Speaker 1: a strong support group of friends, And I've just seen

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Speaker 1: how lucky I am to have it, like how difficult

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Speaker 1: it can be without it. So I am very much

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Speaker 1: with you, Samantha. I'm a huge proponent of friendships and

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Speaker 1: especially among women. And though we could continue to yes

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Speaker 1: sing the praises of female friendship. We aren't talking about

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Speaker 1: that necessarily today. No, today we wanted to take a

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Speaker 1: look at the end of friendships and specifically what happens

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Speaker 1: when women stop being friends with other women. And we

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Speaker 1: need to go ahead and let you know that many

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Speaker 1: of the articles about that are heavily weighed down with

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Speaker 1: a lot of misogynistic language, a lot of stereotypical ideas

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Speaker 1: of female friends, I eat caddy, backstabbing, drama queen, and

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Speaker 1: characteristics like that. So though we may mention it, please

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Speaker 1: take that with a grain of salt. Right. So, there

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Speaker 1: are several reasons why a friendship will and we talked

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Speaker 1: a little bit about it before in our own personal experiences,

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Speaker 1: and I'm sure we have all dealt with it for

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Speaker 1: some reason, but we wanted to look at why and

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Speaker 1: even when maybe we should go ahead and just let

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Speaker 1: it end. Yes, um, And one of those things. I've

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Speaker 1: never heard of this before, but when I heard the term,

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Speaker 1: I was immediately like, oh, yeah, I know what this is, um,

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Speaker 1: and that's friendship fade. Yes. So there have been different

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Speaker 1: reasons in ways to end a friendship, and one of

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Speaker 1: them is this one, which has been more of a

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Speaker 1: thing since the pandemic and lockdowns. I've definitely heard people

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Speaker 1: talk about it, like, you know who your real friends

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Speaker 1: are are, like just sticking friends. I feel like for me, though,

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Speaker 1: my experience has been there something that I have faded,

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Speaker 1: but I'm confident they're going to come back. Like we're

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Speaker 1: just not hanging out that much right now, and there's

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Speaker 1: a lot of stress, but I feel like if that eases,

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Speaker 1: we will hang out right. And then just because it

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Speaker 1: happens doesn't mean it happens because it's something bad or

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Speaker 1: because you make like you're being mean about it. It's

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Speaker 1: not always intended as negative. I don't like you thing

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Speaker 1: right exactly, But Okay, what exactly is friendship fade? According

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Speaker 1: to a Woman's Health article, friendship fade is the quote

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Speaker 1: feeling that you're formally tight connections are disappearing down a

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Speaker 1: pit of silence. Just not gloomy at all. Silence sounds

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Speaker 1: like a Dungeons dragon spell. There you go. Um, But

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Speaker 1: this is a bit different from the friendly fade, which

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Speaker 1: the Urban Dictionary defines as quote a passive aggressive method

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Speaker 1: to break up with a friend without being hurtful or

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Speaker 1: ghosting a friendship. And we will come back to that, right. So,

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Speaker 1: not surprisingly, the pandemic has opened up the possibility of

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Speaker 1: this happening, and there could be so many reasons outside

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Speaker 1: of just being overwhelmed and panicked about the state of

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Speaker 1: the world, and for me specifically, one of the reasons

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Speaker 1: of the fade is due to the fact like there's

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Speaker 1: nothing new, really meaningful that's happening right now. So I

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Speaker 1: feel like when people ask me, how are you, I

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Speaker 1: really have nothing to say other than yeah, you know, yeah.

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Speaker 1: My daily routine has come to the point that has

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Speaker 1: become monotonous. Wake up, take out the dog, eat, watch

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Speaker 1: the same shows over and over again, and go to

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Speaker 1: bed again. When when someone asked what I've been doing,

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Speaker 1: is there anything new going on with you? Literally, I'm

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Speaker 1: like no. My mom is the same, which is funny

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Speaker 1: because as the child, I feel like I'm the one

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Speaker 1: always kind of I don't do this anymore. But when

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Speaker 1: I was younger, I would dodge phone calls and stuff,

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Speaker 1: and now I get the feelings she's dodging by. And

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Speaker 1: she told me she's like, well, you know, I'm just

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Speaker 1: not doing much. I don't have much to talk about, right,

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Speaker 1: makes sense, Nor do I And that's definitely something I've noticed,

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Speaker 1: especially in conversations with her, because it used to be

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Speaker 1: kind of I would come in and I'd be like,

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Speaker 1: here's the fifteen thousand new things that have happened, and

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Speaker 1: now it's sort of like, oh, my shoeshido plant has

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Speaker 1: red shoshidos on it. Now she is exciting by the way,

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Speaker 1: and especially in regards to lockdowns and rules, people have

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Speaker 1: been divided on how to the letter, people maybe following

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Speaker 1: those rules and for some that changed their way. You

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Speaker 1: viewed that friendship, Um, yes, I mean it really has.

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Speaker 1: I think we even had so we just finally are

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Speaker 1: getting to the point we're going out. We hung out

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Speaker 1: with your co host from Saber, Lauren, and she was

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Speaker 1: talking about, you know, what she did during the pandemic,

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Speaker 1: and she made a statement, of course, I think you

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Speaker 1: and uh Annie had a little more stricter lockdown follows

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Speaker 1: and rules and we were like, yeah, and apparently people

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Speaker 1: have been going out and I'm like, oh wow, I

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Speaker 1: didn't know that. And definitely when making plans it was me,

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Speaker 1: you my partner, that was it. And if I wanted

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Speaker 1: to make plays with someone, we made sure that we

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Speaker 1: had a two week quarantine check up if we needed

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Speaker 1: to make sure that the other person had tested and

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Speaker 1: let each other know what's going on, and then we

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Speaker 1: wouldn't hang out. Apparently not everyone's doing that, and I

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Speaker 1: think we had. Did we have a conversation, Yeah, we

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Speaker 1: had a conversation about the fact that we want to

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Speaker 1: invite certain people, but we were thinking, I don't know

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Speaker 1: if they're actually following the quarantine. Yeah, it's been really

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Speaker 1: tough for me and I imagine for a lot of

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Speaker 1: people because it's not a shocking thing to hear, Like

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Speaker 1: I'm not I knew people were doing that, but so

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Speaker 1: I do get hurt by it, and I get a

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Speaker 1: little mad about it. And honestly, after we learned that, um,

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Speaker 1: we're hanging out that time, I went at home and

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Speaker 1: got really upset, and it's I had to think about

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Speaker 1: why it was upsetting me so much, and and there's

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Speaker 1: obviously something else going on there, but it is it's

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Speaker 1: an issue, and it's an issue where it's hard not

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Speaker 1: to have some sort of emotion one way or the

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Speaker 1: other where there's there's particularly in my case, I'm thinking

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Speaker 1: of one guy who I know when I meet when

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Speaker 1: we hang out, it's going to become a point where

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Speaker 1: he's going to be like, I don't get why you

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Speaker 1: were taking it so seriously, and it's going to be

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Speaker 1: hard for me not to fight with this guy. Yeah yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean I could see that. I mean definitely for me,

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Speaker 1: a part of that whole, like people getting together, was

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Speaker 1: I felt left out. And this is a fear of mine,

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Speaker 1: of being doubt and unwanted. And even though it absolutely

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Speaker 1: was my rule and my choice, but hearing about the

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Speaker 1: after fact, because they knew where I stood and so

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Speaker 1: therefore of course I'm not gonna invite you wouldn't have come.

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Speaker 1: Very true, very true. Yes, I'm still hard by it.

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Speaker 1: I'm still hard by it. No. Isn't that the kicker though,

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Speaker 1: where it's like you know that you would have said no,

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Speaker 1: but you want to be asked anywhere exactly. I've said

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Speaker 1: that to a group of friends previously. I was like,

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Speaker 1: I know I'm not coming, and i know I'm having

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Speaker 1: a hard time responding to things, but please don't leave

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Speaker 1: me out. Yeah. No, I'm absolutely the same. I think

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Speaker 1: I'm glad I didn't know about this because I would

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Speaker 1: have been mad. Oh yeah, But in general, I do

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Speaker 1: like sometimes I just say yes because I'm afraid they'll

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Speaker 1: stop asking R go out right. But yeah, that's definitely

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Speaker 1: been the new waters to navigate when it comes to

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Speaker 1: friendships and ideas around quarantining and this whole pandemic because

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Speaker 1: it's also it goes back to almost that awkward the

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Speaker 1: joke of the awkward conversations you have with people now

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Speaker 1: where it's like, oh, what vaccine did you get? Oh? Right, right,

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Speaker 1: So it's kind of inevitably going to come up probably,

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Speaker 1: so it's just hard to avoid and it is people

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Speaker 1: have emotions and thoughts about it. They did, mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: And then there's also for women who have children and families,

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Speaker 1: perhaps just finding the time or energy to keep up

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Speaker 1: a friendship was too much. Can totally see that, right,

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Speaker 1: sounds exhausting, oh for sure, for sure, And many have

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Speaker 1: suffered loss or trash d and that type of experience

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Speaker 1: can completely flip a person's desire to socialize or even

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Speaker 1: feel like they can reach out to someone. And yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's that's another thing that I struggle with in friendships,

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Speaker 1: is being if I feel like I have something sad

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Speaker 1: or I gues's just not even fun to talk about.

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like I can talk about it because

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Speaker 1: I feel like they're going to be like, oh, this

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Speaker 1: is awkwerated. I don't want to be here right now.

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Speaker 1: I don't be talking about this. But that's what friendship

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Speaker 1: is is you're being open with people and all of that,

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Speaker 1: but especially when you think someone else is struggling to

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Speaker 1: you don't want to add to their struggles. And this

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Speaker 1: has been a time of struggling and which we're gonna

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Speaker 1: talk about in the bit. But yeah, I feel the

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Speaker 1: same way. Especially when I had my previous jobs. There

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Speaker 1: were debbut downer jobs to say the least. I came

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Speaker 1: in as the debbut downer of the group because if

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Speaker 1: they asked me how my day went, Oh, you don't

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Speaker 1: want to ask me how my day went. You know,

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Speaker 1: the tragedies and the sadness that happened in my field,

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Speaker 1: the many losses that I had over the winds, and

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Speaker 1: even my winds were sad. I remember I was trying

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Speaker 1: to explain to friends about something that was good, but

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Speaker 1: in what that sounded like. But it's still a child

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Speaker 1: all that didn't have a parent and was going through loss.

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Speaker 1: How is this good type of situation? And being told

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Speaker 1: stop talking, that's not that's so like it. I actually

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Speaker 1: was shut down and saying, really, you're gonna talk about

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Speaker 1: this now? And I'm like, some winters asked me how

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Speaker 1: my day with? And this is how my day with

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Speaker 1: and it was a victory for me, even though to

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Speaker 1: you it sounds really sad because you don't want to

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Speaker 1: talk about children and with loss. And I'm like, I'm sorry,

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Speaker 1: but yeah, that's that taught me real quick. Oh, I

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Speaker 1: can't talk to you, I can't be with you, I

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Speaker 1: can't let you know what's going on because you don't

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Speaker 1: want sad things. And unfortunately, with my job, that's the

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Speaker 1: majority of my stories. Right, that was a very dramatical

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Speaker 1: que out. I'm just saying, um, oh, we do you

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Speaker 1: have some more we want to discuss, but first we

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Speaker 1: have a quick break for word from ourspons there and

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Speaker 1: we're back. Thank you. Sponsored What do you do if

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Speaker 1: you have allowed the fade to occur? I'm very very

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Speaker 1: guilty of this, but want to snap back. It's time,

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Speaker 1: It's time we come back, right, maybe, I think again,

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Speaker 1: we've all been there. We get busy, overwhelmed, or just

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Speaker 1: don't have the mental capacity to call someone or even text.

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Speaker 1: But that's not because we don't want to. That's not

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Speaker 1: because we're trying to stop a friendship or fade a friendship.

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Speaker 1: It just happens. Life happens, So what can we do

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Speaker 1: to change that? Well, first and foremost, be gentle with

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Speaker 1: yourself and with your friends. It might have been a

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Speaker 1: few days or weeks ever since you've heard from your people,

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Speaker 1: But just like us, they're going through the hardships of

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Speaker 1: the currency of the world. But what if they're going

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Speaker 1: through other things as well? That's right, And I don't

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Speaker 1: know how many times I've been depressed or completely exhausted.

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Speaker 1: I'm thinking, why aren't people check it up on me?

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Speaker 1: Why can't they read my mind? And I know I

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Speaker 1: need them to check it up on me. But then

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Speaker 1: to realize maybe they're feeling the exact same thing, or

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Speaker 1: maybe they're going through something even harder, like those moments

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Speaker 1: of feeling like you're being neglected, you're also even neglecting others.

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Speaker 1: You never know what's happening, and just a simple hello,

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Speaker 1: And usually for me that's a gift of like, hey,

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Speaker 1: you know, I think my favorite one is the there's

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Speaker 1: a seal that runs up and does the wave. Okay, hello,

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Speaker 1: I love it, And that can change things that could

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Speaker 1: just be a simple I'm here, I'm checking up without

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Speaker 1: having to be too invasive, and it doesn't take that

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Speaker 1: much time because again, we never know too maybe in

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Speaker 1: the same place, and that miscommunication of who's going to

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Speaker 1: be the one that reaches out causes a kind of friction. Yeah. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I had a friend who we actually sat down and

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Speaker 1: talked about this because she was fundamentally misunderstanding and I

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Speaker 1: was fun to mentally misunderstanding where both of us were

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Speaker 1: coming from because I I I was struggling with insecurity

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Speaker 1: and I still do where I don't want to be

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Speaker 1: annoying or bother people. So sometimes that means I won't

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Speaker 1: reach out because I don't want to bother people. But

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Speaker 1: to her that was reading as she's not reaching out, right, Um,

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Speaker 1: so there's that, and then I do. I very vividly

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Speaker 1: remember in college having the realization of even people who

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Speaker 1: look like they're so put together in quotes and everything's fine, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: you don't know what they're dealing with. You really don't

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Speaker 1: unless you check or ask, right. I used to have

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Speaker 1: I don't necessarily think this was a super healthy thing either,

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Speaker 1: but I used to have what I called the list

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Speaker 1: of don't neglect, and I would have people it was

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Speaker 1: just this list. I'm like checking on these people, and

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Speaker 1: I would go through the list, you know, every couple

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Speaker 1: of days, just to make sure keep in mind on

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Speaker 1: that list. Well, I don't do it anymore. This was

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Speaker 1: in This was like when I first graduated a college,

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Speaker 1: and I mean it was such a like anything to

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Speaker 1: do where I took something that should be fun and

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Speaker 1: it became much more of like a to do list,

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Speaker 1: and so I stopped doing it. But smart, Yeah, but yeah,

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Speaker 1: I didn't have those people in mind. And it doesn't

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Speaker 1: have to be big, like you said, it can just

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Speaker 1: be you know, I saw this thought of you. And

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Speaker 1: if they don't respond, that's cool. They are respond when

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Speaker 1: they can, hopefully. And yes, a simple a simple hello.

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Speaker 1: It can work, whether it's through a text, a phone call,

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Speaker 1: Marco Polo, whatever way you know, whatever way you typically

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Speaker 1: communicate with your friend, or sometimes it's fun to mix

395
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:46,320
Speaker 1: it up. Just a simple connection can really do wonders.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, I remember your friendship as the ability to

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Speaker 1: just be yourself with someone right. One thing my friends

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Speaker 1: and I would always laugh about because I don't know,

399
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:57,760
Speaker 1: there's an inside joke about just the fact that I'm

400
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,760
Speaker 1: always sleepy. I'm always sleepy, I just am and you

401
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,280
Speaker 1: know this, that we could just be around each other

402
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Speaker 1: and take a nap, and that's true friendship. Like we

403
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,919
Speaker 1: would say, two friends nap together, and I thought it

404
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,720
Speaker 1: was hilarious. But the overall ability is that we can

405
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:15,159
Speaker 1: just be there without having to entertain one another, and

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00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,360
Speaker 1: that was okay, that's fine. We can do our own thing,

407
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,800
Speaker 1: but just be in each other's space. That's nice. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I had my other friend Katie. We had a standing

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Speaker 1: naptime on Friday's at three pm. We would take naps together.

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Speaker 1: And look, when you get to the point where you're

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Speaker 1: super busy but you're trying to neglect your friendship, you

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00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,960
Speaker 1: come together and you realize, oh my gosh, I'm so tired,

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Speaker 1: and the other persons like, yeah, me too. I'm like,

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Speaker 1: you know, let's just close their eyes fifteen minute breaks.

415
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Speaker 1: But there's something delightful to that. It is because you're

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Speaker 1: you're trusting someone, like you're kind of like vulnerable, sleepy,

417
00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,679
Speaker 1: not real interesting self at the moment. Yeah, and I

418
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Speaker 1: love and you're you're one of these friend about it.

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Speaker 1: But I love when you have a friendship where you

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00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,480
Speaker 1: can kind of do your own thing. Like somebody will

421
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:09,080
Speaker 1: be working on like one friend that she sketches a

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Speaker 1: lot when we hang out while I'm like working on

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Speaker 1: Dungeons and Dragons or fan fiction, and we're together and

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00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:18,320
Speaker 1: we'll occasionally talk to each other. It can be really

425
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,040
Speaker 1: short and easy going, but it's not like we're doing

426
00:23:21,119 --> 00:23:23,960
Speaker 1: something very exciting. It's kind of separate but together. But

427
00:23:24,119 --> 00:23:27,359
Speaker 1: there is, yeah, that camaraderie there there is. I think

428
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,959
Speaker 1: there's something nice to that. And then also you can

429
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:33,680
Speaker 1: be thoughtful and romantic with your friends and and you're

430
00:23:33,720 --> 00:23:36,000
Speaker 1: really great at this. And when I say that, giving

431
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,240
Speaker 1: small gifts or large ones sometimes for no reason, just

432
00:23:39,280 --> 00:23:41,199
Speaker 1: to say I'm thinking about you. I saw this and

433
00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:45,520
Speaker 1: thought about you. It's really really nice. Yeah, and thank

434
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:49,040
Speaker 1: you for saying that you are too. Um I I do.

435
00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:52,879
Speaker 1: It sounds really cheesy, but I get these moments of

436
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:57,879
Speaker 1: just like such pure warm love for friends, or like

437
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:00,760
Speaker 1: I gotta do something for this person right just gets

438
00:24:00,760 --> 00:24:03,240
Speaker 1: in my head and I'll do I'll send like a

439
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:06,320
Speaker 1: silly video or yo, get a gift, but I just

440
00:24:06,359 --> 00:24:09,640
Speaker 1: get like overwhelmed with love for someone and I want

441
00:24:09,680 --> 00:24:13,000
Speaker 1: to do something and there have been so many different

442
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,720
Speaker 1: occasions when someone has just needed to talk or feel loved,

443
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:19,520
Speaker 1: and giving small tokens or small gifts is such an

444
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:23,159
Speaker 1: amazing thing to do to show that thoughtfulness goes a

445
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:25,560
Speaker 1: long way. And I mean, it's wonderful to get gifts

446
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:27,960
Speaker 1: when you're expecting them, but it's also lovely to get

447
00:24:28,680 --> 00:24:30,600
Speaker 1: something when you're not. It doesn't have to be even

448
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:32,399
Speaker 1: a gift, like like I said, I used to do.

449
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:36,080
Speaker 1: I used to do a lot of funny videos or something. Right, Yes,

450
00:24:36,200 --> 00:24:38,760
Speaker 1: you definitely did one for me. I did. And you

451
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,000
Speaker 1: know what, because of what we are using the word romantic,

452
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,040
Speaker 1: this is also one of those that are usually typically

453
00:24:43,119 --> 00:24:46,160
Speaker 1: done by women. You don't see many male friends giving

454
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,919
Speaker 1: each other things. I know that was a whole Stick

455
00:24:48,160 --> 00:24:51,880
Speaker 1: and New Girl in which Schmidt gives his friend Nick

456
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:55,840
Speaker 1: a cookie and he just Nick is very suspicious. He's like,

457
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:59,439
Speaker 1: why why are you giving me this cookie? Why? It

458
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:01,919
Speaker 1: was a whole episode based on the fact that their thoughtfulness,

459
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,440
Speaker 1: and he's like, men don't give each other kiss men

460
00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:07,919
Speaker 1: don't do these things. And it's it's typically correct that

461
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,040
Speaker 1: I've only seen men give their romantic partners a gift.

462
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:16,639
Speaker 1: But to give to each other. Seems so unusual. That

463
00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:19,840
Speaker 1: makes me said that they're missing out. Yeah, it can

464
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,439
Speaker 1: be such a lovely, lovely thing. Yeah it is. But

465
00:25:24,600 --> 00:25:30,200
Speaker 1: maybe you're good without that particular friendship anymore. Yeah, and

466
00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,040
Speaker 1: that's okay, that's okay too. Maybe that friendship wasn't what

467
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,320
Speaker 1: you really needed, or maybe it's no longer what you need,

468
00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,240
Speaker 1: or some of those differences that we talked about are

469
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:41,160
Speaker 1: too big and it causes conflict and um it, maybe

470
00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:44,880
Speaker 1: it's not a balanced friendship to begin with. So let's

471
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:51,120
Speaker 1: talk about that. Yes, okay, So when is a friendship unhealthy?

472
00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,679
Speaker 1: We wanted it to look into win a friendship is

473
00:25:54,720 --> 00:25:59,200
Speaker 1: not an actual friendship, So yes, let's start with toxic friendships.

474
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:02,600
Speaker 1: Toxic and ship is something that causes a negative impact

475
00:26:02,760 --> 00:26:05,879
Speaker 1: on your life. They never give support or compassion in

476
00:26:05,920 --> 00:26:10,840
Speaker 1: your life. They are typically draining, unrewarding, stifling, unsatisfying, and

477
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:15,719
Speaker 1: unequal and again from Urban Dictionary, these so called friends

478
00:26:15,800 --> 00:26:19,480
Speaker 1: often backstab, gossip, lie, act selfish, used a little, and

479
00:26:19,520 --> 00:26:22,359
Speaker 1: even manipulate, and are taking up more than giving back

480
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,359
Speaker 1: to the friendship. Sadness and resentment is felt towards the

481
00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,960
Speaker 1: toxic friends and breaking away from these toxic friends is

482
00:26:28,000 --> 00:26:30,960
Speaker 1: a must, and you probably all heard terms like emotional

483
00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 1: vampire or energy vampire as well, which doesn't necessarily have

484
00:26:35,160 --> 00:26:40,800
Speaker 1: to be a friend, but often goes into this whole thing. Right, So,

485
00:26:41,119 --> 00:26:42,840
Speaker 1: we did want to talk about some of the warning signs,

486
00:26:42,840 --> 00:26:45,000
Speaker 1: and there are a lot more out there. There are

487
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:46,280
Speaker 1: a lot more articles that you can look at that

488
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:50,119
Speaker 1: give you specific maybe actions that are taking place, But

489
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:53,600
Speaker 1: we just do a few of those warning signs, and

490
00:26:53,680 --> 00:26:56,520
Speaker 1: one of them is that they always put you down.

491
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,239
Speaker 1: So of course we're not necessarily talking about every once

492
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,000
Speaker 1: in a while just a only jab where you tease

493
00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,840
Speaker 1: each other and move on, which I think I've done

494
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:07,600
Speaker 1: to you. Yes, But if it's something that's not only

495
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:09,760
Speaker 1: causes you to feel bad about yourself, or something that

496
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:14,480
Speaker 1: causes your embarrassment, maybe you should rethink this friendship and

497
00:27:14,560 --> 00:27:17,639
Speaker 1: what it's about. An example that I think of on

498
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,560
Speaker 1: the top of my head is the Main Girls movie

499
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:23,240
Speaker 1: where poor Gretchen just constantly gets yelled at by Regina

500
00:27:23,359 --> 00:27:26,119
Speaker 1: and put down constantly about being told that her ideas

501
00:27:26,119 --> 00:27:28,480
Speaker 1: are dumb and everything she's doing is not as good

502
00:27:28,480 --> 00:27:30,880
Speaker 1: as her. That would be one of those put down,

503
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:36,679
Speaker 1: not good friendships right. Another sign is crossing boundaries. Do

504
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,320
Speaker 1: they make you uncomfortable? Do they keep pushing you to

505
00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:42,000
Speaker 1: do things you don't want to do, or they don't

506
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 1: listen when you let them know you don't like something

507
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,879
Speaker 1: or don't want to be a part of something. That

508
00:27:48,080 --> 00:27:51,480
Speaker 1: is a sign. Another one is takers. Those friends who

509
00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:55,240
Speaker 1: use you for what you have, constantly coming to complain

510
00:27:55,680 --> 00:27:58,440
Speaker 1: and need advice, but they were chicken on you are

511
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:01,240
Speaker 1: see how you are doing right, And then there's a

512
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:04,440
Speaker 1: non supporter. We all have dreams, of course and goals

513
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:07,239
Speaker 1: and we definitely need help sometimes, whether it's someone who

514
00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,240
Speaker 1: would call just to see how you're doing that day

515
00:28:09,320 --> 00:28:11,240
Speaker 1: or how are you doing with things, or those who

516
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:13,359
Speaker 1: just show up for you for moral support. But if

517
00:28:13,359 --> 00:28:15,639
Speaker 1: someone is not doing this but you're constantly doing that

518
00:28:15,720 --> 00:28:17,960
Speaker 1: for them, that's not the one you want to be around.

519
00:28:17,960 --> 00:28:20,399
Speaker 1: That's not someone who is a good friend, someone who

520
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,560
Speaker 1: if you're trying to do something new me I was

521
00:28:23,600 --> 00:28:26,560
Speaker 1: trying to knit, you're very supportive and I really appreciated

522
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:29,200
Speaker 1: that as where those non supportive would probably go ahead

523
00:28:29,200 --> 00:28:30,680
Speaker 1: and talk down on you and ask you why you're

524
00:28:30,720 --> 00:28:32,480
Speaker 1: doing it and you're going to fail those are the

525
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:36,840
Speaker 1: people you don't want to be around. Yes, Yes, And

526
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,600
Speaker 1: when you get older and you look back on how

527
00:28:39,720 --> 00:28:42,760
Speaker 1: behaviors you had when you were younger, there were some

528
00:28:42,880 --> 00:28:46,320
Speaker 1: like I've really been working on, where I would get

529
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:50,160
Speaker 1: jealous of friends. I would get jealous if I thought

530
00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:53,000
Speaker 1: like they were, you know, having a better life or whatever,

531
00:28:53,160 --> 00:28:55,880
Speaker 1: being cooler. And it was really hard for me to

532
00:28:56,040 --> 00:28:59,600
Speaker 1: not like say something kind of snarky about it or

533
00:28:59,680 --> 00:29:01,720
Speaker 1: something and kind of a put down. And that's been

534
00:29:01,800 --> 00:29:04,800
Speaker 1: something I've recognized and I've like actively tried to work

535
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:07,239
Speaker 1: on as I've gotten older. And that's something to keep

536
00:29:07,280 --> 00:29:10,080
Speaker 1: in mind too, is to look for those things in yourself,

537
00:29:10,880 --> 00:29:12,680
Speaker 1: and especially if you have a friend who says something

538
00:29:12,720 --> 00:29:16,600
Speaker 1: about it, you should you should examine that thing. And

539
00:29:17,400 --> 00:29:20,320
Speaker 1: I have a an instance of two friends in my

540
00:29:20,360 --> 00:29:22,920
Speaker 1: life were both my best friends, and they had a

541
00:29:23,000 --> 00:29:26,280
Speaker 1: huge fight in college and they have not made up.

542
00:29:26,320 --> 00:29:29,400
Speaker 1: One of them wants to, another one doesn't. But it's

543
00:29:29,440 --> 00:29:32,000
Speaker 1: also complicated because they're both my friends, and I've heard

544
00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:33,600
Speaker 1: both of their sides of it, and I get both

545
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:37,840
Speaker 1: of their sides of it, and you know, you can't

546
00:29:38,560 --> 00:29:40,120
Speaker 1: force some point if they're not ready to be your

547
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,800
Speaker 1: friend again. Then that's that's that's it. Yeah, it sucks,

548
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,520
Speaker 1: but yeah, I would. I would just also keep in

549
00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:51,520
Speaker 1: mind your own behaviors and friendships as well, exactly. There's

550
00:29:51,640 --> 00:29:55,480
Speaker 1: also something called co rumination. Co rumination is defined as

551
00:29:55,560 --> 00:29:59,240
Speaker 1: quote extensive and frequent discussion, speculation, and focus on negative

552
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:03,920
Speaker 1: feelings related to personal problems with close friends or friends. Um.

553
00:30:03,960 --> 00:30:06,640
Speaker 1: That's from the National Institute of Health. It usually involves

554
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:09,880
Speaker 1: the constant discussion and rehashing of the same problems and

555
00:30:09,960 --> 00:30:14,280
Speaker 1: often includes focusing on quote causes, implications, and negative feelings

556
00:30:14,320 --> 00:30:18,840
Speaker 1: around that problem. So think of when you were going

557
00:30:18,840 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 1: through your bad breakup and you went to your closest

558
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,800
Speaker 1: friends to talk about all the wise what went wrong

559
00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 1: and how things could have changed. So, yeah, this is

560
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:28,640
Speaker 1: actually this we need to watch this. I'm thinking about

561
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:32,360
Speaker 1: the Sex in the City episode where specifically Carrie cannot

562
00:30:32,520 --> 00:30:36,360
Speaker 1: stop talking about Big at that point they've broken up

563
00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:38,560
Speaker 1: for the second time, and she goes on and on

564
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:41,320
Speaker 1: and on and on to the point that her three

565
00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:45,480
Speaker 1: friends intervene and say, Okay, this is a big, big

566
00:30:45,520 --> 00:30:48,440
Speaker 1: intervention because you know he was called Big, because we

567
00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,240
Speaker 1: cannot deal with this that we cannot keep talking about

568
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:53,840
Speaker 1: all the negatives. You're bringing everyone down, and not that

569
00:30:53,880 --> 00:30:55,960
Speaker 1: we don't want to talk about it, but we've given

570
00:30:56,000 --> 00:31:00,200
Speaker 1: you the week long allowance of doing so, and you

571
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:03,800
Speaker 1: keep repeating the same thing and it's becoming really negative

572
00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:06,840
Speaker 1: for you as well as for us. And they were like,

573
00:31:06,960 --> 00:31:09,520
Speaker 1: you need a therapist, and apparently they're like, you know,

574
00:31:09,760 --> 00:31:11,760
Speaker 1: we have the same issues too, and we don't know

575
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:14,560
Speaker 1: what to do. This is why we have therapists, because

576
00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:16,960
Speaker 1: we need someone else to give us an unbiased opinion

577
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:21,520
Speaker 1: instead of yeah, that dude's a dick, which that dude

578
00:31:21,600 --> 00:31:25,600
Speaker 1: was a dick anyway, just quote over there. But yeah,

579
00:31:25,640 --> 00:31:28,520
Speaker 1: so of course talking with our friends and really letting

580
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:31,240
Speaker 1: go when working through things isn't a bad thing, as

581
00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:33,280
Speaker 1: in fact, one of the things that cherish most is

582
00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:36,400
Speaker 1: being able to completely be honest about all my hurts

583
00:31:36,440 --> 00:31:39,960
Speaker 1: and insecurities and having friends comfort me or shake me

584
00:31:39,960 --> 00:31:42,720
Speaker 1: out of it, like I really need that reality check.

585
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:45,720
Speaker 1: So co reminting can be a function of bonding for

586
00:31:45,840 --> 00:31:48,880
Speaker 1: many friends and can in the long run busess it

587
00:31:48,920 --> 00:31:51,920
Speaker 1: in a higher relationship satisfaction. And this is according to

588
00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:55,040
Speaker 1: a study completed by the Oklahoma State University. Not only

589
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:57,959
Speaker 1: that but the quality of the relationship and social support

590
00:31:57,960 --> 00:32:00,520
Speaker 1: are also higher for those who co remon so not

591
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:04,480
Speaker 1: all bad thing, and apparently this is only typically seen

592
00:32:04,560 --> 00:32:08,680
Speaker 1: in friendships with women. So men don't co ruminate, according

593
00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 1: to the statistic, with their male friends. It's not something

594
00:32:11,800 --> 00:32:14,320
Speaker 1: that they do. They don't sit and empathize with each other,

595
00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:16,640
Speaker 1: which we've kind of talked about a little before, but

596
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,360
Speaker 1: they specifically said this is not a thing that happens

597
00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:25,440
Speaker 1: with men. Wow. Yeah, Yeah. However, there is some bad.

598
00:32:25,480 --> 00:32:28,240
Speaker 1: It's not all good because co ruminating is essentially sharing

599
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:30,760
Speaker 1: and feeling each other's stress and anxiety, and it can

600
00:32:30,840 --> 00:32:33,400
Speaker 1: become a negative cycle and once you feed off each

601
00:32:33,440 --> 00:32:37,920
Speaker 1: other's stressors, causing a higher stress synchronicity that can also

602
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:42,360
Speaker 1: trigger other mental health issues like depression. Psychologist Amanda Rose

603
00:32:42,400 --> 00:32:45,360
Speaker 1: found when women co ruminate, they were quote more susceptible

604
00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:48,400
Speaker 1: to emotional disorders. And with that, if your friendship is

605
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:51,080
Speaker 1: based on shared pain or bad experiences, there's a danger

606
00:32:51,120 --> 00:32:54,160
Speaker 1: that you quote might start manufacturing that pain to keep

607
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 1: the relationship going, and doing so can lead to a

608
00:32:58,000 --> 00:33:02,720
Speaker 1: quote elevated risk of DEPRESSI and anxiety. If these friendships

609
00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:05,520
Speaker 1: are dependent on only the bad and painful things in

610
00:33:05,520 --> 00:33:09,080
Speaker 1: the relationship, perhaps it's time to reflect on if that

611
00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:13,440
Speaker 1: relationship is healthy. And there are examples, uh specifically through

612
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:16,480
Speaker 1: people who were talking about they actually really thrived on

613
00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:18,760
Speaker 1: when their friends were going through bad things and we're

614
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,200
Speaker 1: excited by that and was wanting to be the go

615
00:33:21,400 --> 00:33:24,400
Speaker 1: person And you know, the co ruminating part is a

616
00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:26,680
Speaker 1: little too real for me. I feel I feel like

617
00:33:26,760 --> 00:33:29,440
Speaker 1: attacked reading this. I'm not gonna lie because I want

618
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:31,800
Speaker 1: to be a go to person for people. That's kind

619
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,600
Speaker 1: of the thing. I think that's part of my whole

620
00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:38,320
Speaker 1: caregiver mentality that I really want to be there for you,

621
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:41,440
Speaker 1: and so knowing that you trust me enough to come

622
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,880
Speaker 1: to me in these dark times, it feels so rewarding

623
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:47,400
Speaker 1: that it's like, yeah, it kind of does feed into

624
00:33:47,960 --> 00:33:50,640
Speaker 1: I know I'm needed, and therefore I'm going to keep

625
00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,160
Speaker 1: being needed by being this person. And maybe if you

626
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:56,400
Speaker 1: have these traumas then this is good for me, right,

627
00:33:56,880 --> 00:33:58,880
Speaker 1: but it is it's really unhealthy when you take on

628
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,120
Speaker 1: too much. I remember there was one point where two

629
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:04,080
Speaker 1: of my closest friends were going through really really hard

630
00:34:04,160 --> 00:34:06,840
Speaker 1: things and I was crying and upset about it. Later

631
00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:09,640
Speaker 1: on to the point that I realized that I was

632
00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:11,640
Speaker 1: in pain because they were in such pain that I

633
00:34:11,640 --> 00:34:14,520
Speaker 1: felt like I couldn't be happy. Right, it was a

634
00:34:14,560 --> 00:34:16,239
Speaker 1: weird day, and they weren't doing that on purpose. And

635
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:18,840
Speaker 1: please understand, these two friends are the best friends that

636
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,440
Speaker 1: I've had, and I could do the same with them,

637
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:22,720
Speaker 1: and I have done the same with them, but because

638
00:34:22,760 --> 00:34:25,520
Speaker 1: of what was happening that it was so intense, because

639
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:28,160
Speaker 1: it just felt like everybody was falling apart, that I

640
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:31,640
Speaker 1: didn't have the right to be okay, yeah, and where

641
00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:34,359
Speaker 1: is I Like, On the other hand, I'm someone who

642
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:37,799
Speaker 1: struggles with like everything has to be even, and so

643
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:41,360
Speaker 1: I've already and this is such a terrible thing, but

644
00:34:41,440 --> 00:34:43,960
Speaker 1: I've already been like, here are the people who were

645
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:45,879
Speaker 1: really there for me when my dad died, so when

646
00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:52,000
Speaker 1: their parents died really, which is awful, Like I want

647
00:34:52,080 --> 00:34:54,080
Speaker 1: to be there for them, but it's it's just one

648
00:34:54,120 --> 00:34:57,040
Speaker 1: of those things where it's like, already stressing me out

649
00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:02,799
Speaker 1: that happened. Ye, You're like, I have who do I owe? Yep, yep.

650
00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:04,880
Speaker 1: And again that's not what friendship is. That's not what

651
00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:07,440
Speaker 1: it's about. Um. You should try to be as like

652
00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:11,200
Speaker 1: equal as possible in giving and receiving. But it's not

653
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:14,120
Speaker 1: like a book, right, It's not like a debt sheet

654
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:16,400
Speaker 1: that you need to keep track of. I mean, you

655
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:18,960
Speaker 1: should keep in mind if one person is doing a

656
00:35:18,960 --> 00:35:21,320
Speaker 1: lot more than the other, But in general it evens

657
00:35:21,320 --> 00:35:24,600
Speaker 1: out right, right, even like true friendship, you do for

658
00:35:24,640 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 1: each other without thinking about that because it's automatic. It's

659
00:35:27,440 --> 00:35:29,799
Speaker 1: easy from both them so for sure. And you know,

660
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:34,879
Speaker 1: I never really knew the term co ruminating, so it's like, oh, oh,

661
00:35:35,120 --> 00:35:38,480
Speaker 1: that's what that is. Ro So it's something to think on,

662
00:35:38,640 --> 00:35:41,319
Speaker 1: for sure, But to go a little deeper than just

663
00:35:41,360 --> 00:35:44,560
Speaker 1: co ruminating and toxic friendships, we did want to talk

664
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:47,880
Speaker 1: a little bit about abuse of friendships, and it's not

665
00:35:47,960 --> 00:35:51,000
Speaker 1: talked about often, but it should be something that people

666
00:35:51,000 --> 00:35:54,080
Speaker 1: are aware of and should watch out for. As in fact,

667
00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:56,400
Speaker 1: a couple of articles we're talking about the fact that

668
00:35:56,440 --> 00:35:59,040
Speaker 1: this is not addressed because it's not technically seeing as

669
00:35:59,040 --> 00:36:03,120
Speaker 1: domestic violence, and so therefore people don't recognize it as

670
00:36:03,200 --> 00:36:06,439
Speaker 1: quickly and realize how harmful it could be. But more

671
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:09,480
Speaker 1: often than not, abuse of friendships and toxic friendships get

672
00:36:09,560 --> 00:36:12,800
Speaker 1: mixed up, so we just kind of use those words interchangeably.

673
00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:16,400
Speaker 1: And there is a subtle difference within abuse of friendships.

674
00:36:16,400 --> 00:36:19,320
Speaker 1: You do against see the similar signs of toxic friendship,

675
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,400
Speaker 1: but it continues on. As one article states, abuse of

676
00:36:22,480 --> 00:36:25,480
Speaker 1: friendships often start on a positive note, but then the

677
00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:29,360
Speaker 1: abuser may use repetition compulsion, which is when an abused

678
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: person may unknowingly replay unresolved family dysfunctions in a new

679
00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,440
Speaker 1: adult relationship, and that abuser uses that so they know

680
00:36:37,520 --> 00:36:39,640
Speaker 1: what you've gone through and are able to use that

681
00:36:39,680 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 1: tactic against you, much like an abuser. Essentially, the person

682
00:36:43,680 --> 00:36:46,480
Speaker 1: who is mistreated or abused may have gone through a

683
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:48,560
Speaker 1: lot in their childhood and endured so much in the

684
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:51,880
Speaker 1: childhood that it becomes a norm and is familiar. So

685
00:36:51,880 --> 00:36:55,160
Speaker 1: therefore they don't realize that that's what's being extended into

686
00:36:55,239 --> 00:36:59,640
Speaker 1: these friendships. And oftentimes you see you don't realize that

687
00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:02,160
Speaker 1: they attended that's falling on you and you feel like

688
00:37:02,239 --> 00:37:05,880
Speaker 1: that's what you deserve or that's what friendship is. Yeah,

689
00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:08,319
Speaker 1: there are definitely in some situations, never like this to

690
00:37:08,440 --> 00:37:10,839
Speaker 1: this extent, but there have been situations where I looked

691
00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:12,600
Speaker 1: back and I was like, Wow, that wasn't a good friendship,

692
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:15,400
Speaker 1: but at the time it seemed normal, and it's it

693
00:37:15,520 --> 00:37:18,600
Speaker 1: felt like it just almost like the frog in the

694
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:21,520
Speaker 1: boiling pot, where you know, slowly got worse and worse,

695
00:37:21,960 --> 00:37:23,799
Speaker 1: but you were thinking this as your friend, and it

696
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:25,719
Speaker 1: would be a failure to cut off the friendship, right,

697
00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:29,400
Speaker 1: so we have to stay friends. Abusers will play on

698
00:37:29,440 --> 00:37:32,360
Speaker 1: your insecurities, but only after they have quotes seduced you

699
00:37:32,440 --> 00:37:36,200
Speaker 1: into a trusting relationship, and they are often excessively charming

700
00:37:36,320 --> 00:37:41,960
Speaker 1: and attentive. Some other warning signs include harassment, dishonesty, and manipulations.

701
00:37:42,280 --> 00:37:45,760
Speaker 1: They are also likely to be very argumentative and critical,

702
00:37:46,360 --> 00:37:49,920
Speaker 1: and abusive friendships can cause so many mental health and

703
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:53,520
Speaker 1: physical issues, such as depression, anxiety, stomach problems, high blood pressure,

704
00:37:53,560 --> 00:37:57,000
Speaker 1: and even PTSD. I think again, we did want to

705
00:37:57,040 --> 00:38:00,279
Speaker 1: address this, and of course this is still vague. Might

706
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:02,799
Speaker 1: not be all about the physical abuse, which is what's

707
00:38:02,800 --> 00:38:06,640
Speaker 1: so easily noted as this is abuse, but this emotional

708
00:38:07,040 --> 00:38:11,440
Speaker 1: manipulative tactics that causes people to be triggered in so

709
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:14,920
Speaker 1: many ways by what their actions are because they know

710
00:38:15,000 --> 00:38:17,759
Speaker 1: they can trigger you or guilt you, or manipulate you

711
00:38:18,120 --> 00:38:21,640
Speaker 1: into feeling that you owe them something, that it becomes

712
00:38:21,640 --> 00:38:25,880
Speaker 1: an abusive relationship right, and we we do have a

713
00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:29,040
Speaker 1: little bit more for your listeners, but first we're gonna

714
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:30,840
Speaker 1: pause for one more work break for work from our

715
00:38:30,880 --> 00:38:47,960
Speaker 1: sponsored and we're back, thank you sponsored. So not all

716
00:38:48,080 --> 00:38:51,640
Speaker 1: friendships and because it's bad. So it's not all about

717
00:38:51,719 --> 00:38:57,160
Speaker 1: toxic friendships and or abusive friendships. But you know, things happen,

718
00:38:57,239 --> 00:39:02,080
Speaker 1: we grow, we change, and sometimes that means friendships change too.

719
00:39:02,239 --> 00:39:05,400
Speaker 1: And there are people I think on fondly, but perhaps

720
00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:08,800
Speaker 1: because of distance, we're not friends anymore. Maybe they started

721
00:39:08,840 --> 00:39:11,520
Speaker 1: a family, and because I don't have a family, it's

722
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:14,440
Speaker 1: harder for us to relate, or it's harder to find time.

723
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:17,120
Speaker 1: Any of those things could be reasons while we are

724
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:21,200
Speaker 1: no longer friends. And yeah, just your interests and commonalities

725
00:39:21,360 --> 00:39:25,040
Speaker 1: have shifted. And of course there's also possibility that that

726
00:39:25,200 --> 00:39:29,840
Speaker 1: your difference in beliefs that changes friendships. Perhaps is politics.

727
00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:34,440
Speaker 1: And for me, definitely my friends from my hometown, I

728
00:39:34,480 --> 00:39:36,680
Speaker 1: don't talk to them as much. Some of us stopped

729
00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:40,040
Speaker 1: talking altogether because of their reactions to Black Lives Matter,

730
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,600
Speaker 1: and that made me go, no, that that's a deal

731
00:39:42,600 --> 00:39:47,080
Speaker 1: breaker for me. If you can't see how this is racist, sorry,

732
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,080
Speaker 1: that is it is what it is as well as

733
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:51,719
Speaker 1: the fact that I was super religious growing up. I'm

734
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:54,719
Speaker 1: no longer religious, and that changed a lot of friendships

735
00:39:54,760 --> 00:39:57,680
Speaker 1: from me from college and high school, which again super

736
00:39:57,719 --> 00:39:59,960
Speaker 1: religious to not and those people who are super religious

737
00:40:00,000 --> 00:40:05,800
Speaker 1: still doesn't mesh too well in the end. Yeah. Yeah,

738
00:40:05,880 --> 00:40:10,520
Speaker 1: And that is one of those things of growing friendships

739
00:40:10,520 --> 00:40:12,920
Speaker 1: and changing friendships because I too came from a very

740
00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:17,759
Speaker 1: small conservative town and sometimes because I was liberal back

741
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,520
Speaker 1: then and most people are conservative, and I'm getting fights.

742
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:24,080
Speaker 1: It's like my seventh grade with my friends about the

743
00:40:24,320 --> 00:40:29,840
Speaker 1: rock Wars, but I didn't have like too many like

744
00:40:29,960 --> 00:40:32,360
Speaker 1: minded friends to choose from. But some of my friends

745
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:36,359
Speaker 1: who didn't think that way then I've changed, which when

746
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,600
Speaker 1: they got out of the small town and and things

747
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:42,040
Speaker 1: like that. So yeah, for sure, And that's something I've

748
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:45,000
Speaker 1: always struggled with where I'm just so determined. But we

749
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:46,760
Speaker 1: were such good friends. We have to stay good friends.

750
00:40:46,760 --> 00:40:49,840
Speaker 1: But sometimes, yeah, it's just you change and they change

751
00:40:49,840 --> 00:40:55,120
Speaker 1: and things. Life changes. Life changes. It does. That's not

752
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:57,200
Speaker 1: to say I do think you can make things work

753
00:40:57,680 --> 00:40:59,680
Speaker 1: if there's like an equal amount of interest in time.

754
00:41:00,200 --> 00:41:03,520
Speaker 1: But yeah, however, what if you want to break up

755
00:41:03,520 --> 00:41:07,160
Speaker 1: of the friends how do you do that. You can

756
00:41:07,440 --> 00:41:11,160
Speaker 1: limit time. Sometimes ending a friendship is not necessary. Maybe

757
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:13,239
Speaker 1: it's all about limiting the amount of time or even

758
00:41:13,239 --> 00:41:17,399
Speaker 1: specific situations, maybe only in group settings or maybe one

759
00:41:17,440 --> 00:41:21,799
Speaker 1: on one setting. Boundaries are always a beautiful thing. Yeah.

760
00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:25,000
Speaker 1: Definitely had a friend of mine who I didn't get

761
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:28,560
Speaker 1: along with a person and the way they explained their friendship,

762
00:41:28,960 --> 00:41:30,879
Speaker 1: not that they had to explain the friendship, but because

763
00:41:30,960 --> 00:41:33,360
Speaker 1: I wasn't the only one who was like, I can't

764
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:35,319
Speaker 1: be around this person. They are too much of this,

765
00:41:35,440 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 1: this and this, and I'm going to go off. I

766
00:41:37,719 --> 00:41:39,520
Speaker 1: think I've said that I have I have a short tepper.

767
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:42,920
Speaker 1: But they were like, yeah, they're one of those friends

768
00:41:42,960 --> 00:41:46,359
Speaker 1: that they're better one on one. They're really sweet and

769
00:41:46,480 --> 00:41:49,239
Speaker 1: very attentive. They get around a group of people and

770
00:41:49,280 --> 00:41:52,759
Speaker 1: they don't know how to pull back and just our

771
00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:56,440
Speaker 1: vibrant personality. And I'm like, okay, okay, yeah you have

772
00:41:56,600 --> 00:42:00,879
Speaker 1: that one on one setting. I'm good. Which is not nice,

773
00:42:00,920 --> 00:42:03,839
Speaker 1: but whatever, but yeah. Also, we talked a little bit

774
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:06,840
Speaker 1: before about the fading the ghost thing. It's a slow

775
00:42:06,960 --> 00:42:10,800
Speaker 1: walking away from a relationship. And I'd say this metaphorically obviously,

776
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:13,359
Speaker 1: and it maybe the best solution possible, especially when we're

777
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:16,319
Speaker 1: talking about abusive or toxic relationships where you feel like

778
00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:19,319
Speaker 1: it's just being combative trying to have a conversation with it.

779
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:24,399
Speaker 1: So whether it's you know, less texting, a little more time,

780
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:28,320
Speaker 1: not seeing them as much as you used to, or altogether,

781
00:42:28,400 --> 00:42:31,719
Speaker 1: you know, not answering the call immediately kind of situation,

782
00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:34,719
Speaker 1: not confiding in them so much, that might be a

783
00:42:34,719 --> 00:42:36,640
Speaker 1: solution for you if you really feel like that's the

784
00:42:36,680 --> 00:42:39,759
Speaker 1: only solution. Then again, let's say it is a really

785
00:42:39,800 --> 00:42:43,800
Speaker 1: deep and personal relationship, but there's something that has happened

786
00:42:43,960 --> 00:42:46,719
Speaker 1: that you feel like this is not gonna work a

787
00:42:46,760 --> 00:42:49,560
Speaker 1: face to face conversation. It could work. Just be honest

788
00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:53,839
Speaker 1: and open and also be willing to admit yourself when

789
00:42:53,920 --> 00:42:56,680
Speaker 1: you haven't been the best friend as well, and so

790
00:42:56,800 --> 00:42:59,440
Speaker 1: that could be a solution. I will say I know

791
00:42:59,640 --> 00:43:03,400
Speaker 1: many people as of late sending emails, and I've actually

792
00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:07,279
Speaker 1: had an email they weren't necessarily trying to break the well,

793
00:43:07,440 --> 00:43:09,799
Speaker 1: it did sound like a breakup letter. It did sound

794
00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:12,240
Speaker 1: like a break up letter. Actually, it's happened to me twice.

795
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:15,440
Speaker 1: Oh my goshuld remember this. So it's happened to me twice, man,

796
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:17,759
Speaker 1: I must be a bad friend. The first time was

797
00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:20,520
Speaker 1: because I was super religious and pompous and over the top,

798
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:22,720
Speaker 1: and when they corrected me, I was like, you're correct,

799
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:25,239
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry, and we were fine after that. That

800
00:43:25,320 --> 00:43:29,720
Speaker 1: opened up a whole other conversation. Another one was because

801
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:34,560
Speaker 1: they decided that because they were married now that they

802
00:43:34,560 --> 00:43:37,120
Speaker 1: wanted to start a family and being around single friends

803
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:40,359
Speaker 1: wasn't good for them. Right, they broke up with me

804
00:43:42,360 --> 00:43:43,759
Speaker 1: and know, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at

805
00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:49,239
Speaker 1: your I'm a bad friend. I just I just remembered why,

806
00:43:49,360 --> 00:43:52,120
Speaker 1: and remembering those, I'm like, wow. And of course, to

807
00:43:52,160 --> 00:43:54,560
Speaker 1: be fair, it wasn't a bad thing to me, And

808
00:43:54,600 --> 00:44:01,319
Speaker 1: I was like, yeah, okay, are Yeah. We were talking

809
00:44:01,320 --> 00:44:04,040
Speaker 1: about those recently, So I guess I have a combo.

810
00:44:04,320 --> 00:44:07,800
Speaker 1: I have a combo example, because I have an email

811
00:44:07,880 --> 00:44:11,719
Speaker 1: fade out situation that just happened, which this person was

812
00:44:11,719 --> 00:44:13,680
Speaker 1: one of my best friends. We've known each other since

813
00:44:13,680 --> 00:44:17,680
Speaker 1: we were four years old. We've traveled together, um, we

814
00:44:17,719 --> 00:44:20,400
Speaker 1: went to college together, we were roommates for a while,

815
00:44:21,000 --> 00:44:27,080
Speaker 1: and she moved out of the country. She there are

816
00:44:27,120 --> 00:44:30,359
Speaker 1: also issues around uh she really didn't like other women,

817
00:44:30,360 --> 00:44:32,480
Speaker 1: which didn't sit well with me because I was like,

818
00:44:32,600 --> 00:44:34,600
Speaker 1: what about me? Though, I don't know how I feel

819
00:44:34,600 --> 00:44:38,680
Speaker 1: about this, and then yeah, yeah, there there's some issues,

820
00:44:38,719 --> 00:44:40,920
Speaker 1: but but I wanted to keep the friendship going, and

821
00:44:40,960 --> 00:44:43,000
Speaker 1: so we had like an email thing that slowly dropped

822
00:44:43,080 --> 00:44:45,560
Speaker 1: pretty much like twice a year. We did go on

823
00:44:45,760 --> 00:44:49,960
Speaker 1: to journeys abroad during that time, but this was the

824
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:51,680
Speaker 1: first year. She sent me an email last year and

825
00:44:51,760 --> 00:44:53,719
Speaker 1: was like, oh my gosh, pandemic, how are you going

826
00:44:53,719 --> 00:44:55,319
Speaker 1: in the US, and what's been going on with you?

827
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:57,399
Speaker 1: I'm so sorry I haven't been in contact. I'm really

828
00:44:57,400 --> 00:44:59,759
Speaker 1: bad about it. I center this whole thing and I

829
00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:01,839
Speaker 1: was like, this is what's going on with me? How

830
00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:04,920
Speaker 1: are you? Don't worry about, you know, being a bad contact.

831
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:06,239
Speaker 1: I've just got here from you and I've never heard

832
00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:09,000
Speaker 1: from Ergian. And this is her first birthday where I

833
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:13,080
Speaker 1: didn't send the like happy birthday thing because I guess

834
00:45:13,080 --> 00:45:16,919
Speaker 1: we're done right. It's weird too, that situation is weird.

835
00:45:16,960 --> 00:45:19,520
Speaker 1: I wonder if anyone else can relate to this, where

836
00:45:19,719 --> 00:45:22,040
Speaker 1: we would have a lot of discussions where she would

837
00:45:22,160 --> 00:45:26,759
Speaker 1: like say, this is my problems with you, and I'm

838
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:29,440
Speaker 1: someone who tries to be really self aware, especially like

839
00:45:29,480 --> 00:45:31,880
Speaker 1: as I've gotten older. It wasn't in high school or whatever,

840
00:45:31,880 --> 00:45:34,239
Speaker 1: but like as I've gotten older, sometimes she would say

841
00:45:34,239 --> 00:45:38,040
Speaker 1: things where I'm like, am I just being really up

842
00:45:38,040 --> 00:45:41,120
Speaker 1: to because that doesn't sound like how I've interpreted these

843
00:45:41,160 --> 00:45:46,600
Speaker 1: situations at all. It's just odd. Yeah, if someone is

844
00:45:46,640 --> 00:45:49,320
Speaker 1: so quick and constantly trying to tell you you're bad,

845
00:45:49,920 --> 00:45:52,840
Speaker 1: that would be toxic. That's the put down thing. She

846
00:45:52,960 --> 00:45:57,799
Speaker 1: was definitely a friend where like I was very, very

847
00:45:57,880 --> 00:46:00,560
Speaker 1: worried all the time that whatever I said or did

848
00:46:00,600 --> 00:46:03,000
Speaker 1: our friendship was over and that was right, that was

849
00:46:03,040 --> 00:46:05,640
Speaker 1: the end. But we do have some wonderful time together

850
00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,799
Speaker 1: and it does make me sad right there there. Definitely is.

851
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:10,560
Speaker 1: I think that's the part of the problem. Is when

852
00:46:10,600 --> 00:46:14,080
Speaker 1: you remember the good times and it's been long enough

853
00:46:14,120 --> 00:46:18,759
Speaker 1: that you forgot the bad times, you're like, oh, but

854
00:46:18,840 --> 00:46:21,440
Speaker 1: it's nice to have those memories. And I've always been

855
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:24,520
Speaker 1: that type of person who would say that I love

856
00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:27,600
Speaker 1: meeting people, even though I'm an introvert, because they change

857
00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:30,719
Speaker 1: your perspective somehow, and you find something new about yourself

858
00:46:31,239 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 1: in that relationship, and hopefully it's a good thing. And

859
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:36,520
Speaker 1: even if it's a bad thing, it's still a lesson

860
00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:39,239
Speaker 1: to learn at the very least. And then as I'm

861
00:46:39,239 --> 00:46:43,160
Speaker 1: getting into forty, yeah, I only have time for essential friendship,

862
00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:46,799
Speaker 1: meaning people who I can feed into and they can

863
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:48,920
Speaker 1: feed into me and we can come out together as

864
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,759
Speaker 1: better people. Like it's just when you get to a

865
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:55,160
Speaker 1: certain age, it's harder to make friends. A B. I've

866
00:46:55,160 --> 00:46:57,680
Speaker 1: become more set in my ways as I get older,

867
00:46:58,280 --> 00:47:01,080
Speaker 1: and it's harder for me to change personality to fit

868
00:47:01,160 --> 00:47:04,160
Speaker 1: You don't get me wrong. Reading a room and being

869
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,319
Speaker 1: able to at least understand and be compassionate and all

870
00:47:07,320 --> 00:47:10,120
Speaker 1: of that for sure. But at the same time, I'm

871
00:47:10,120 --> 00:47:13,319
Speaker 1: not going to be giddy, happy, sweet, go lucky girl.

872
00:47:13,560 --> 00:47:16,480
Speaker 1: That's just not me right, And I no longer have

873
00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:21,680
Speaker 1: tie right or the middle capacity to try to change

874
00:47:21,719 --> 00:47:25,520
Speaker 1: my personality to fit into this. I mean, I feel

875
00:47:25,520 --> 00:47:28,440
Speaker 1: like I struggled enough just without work and try to

876
00:47:28,560 --> 00:47:32,799
Speaker 1: be professional. I don't know that, you know, like professional

877
00:47:32,880 --> 00:47:37,239
Speaker 1: is hard for me? Yeah? Yeah, And I think that's

878
00:47:37,239 --> 00:47:42,120
Speaker 1: something we all kind of learn and go through. Is essentially,

879
00:47:42,480 --> 00:47:46,400
Speaker 1: what is this friendship giving me? Is it worth the

880
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:50,280
Speaker 1: time and energy? And I know back when i UM

881
00:47:50,560 --> 00:47:53,839
Speaker 1: first started and we were this stuff I've never told

882
00:47:53,840 --> 00:47:56,560
Speaker 1: you At the YouTube channel that was really active. That

883
00:47:56,640 --> 00:47:58,399
Speaker 1: was one of the things we heard the most from

884
00:47:58,440 --> 00:48:02,719
Speaker 1: young listeners especially was how do I I'm in a

885
00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:06,000
Speaker 1: toxic friendship? What do I do? UM? So I know

886
00:48:06,120 --> 00:48:08,839
Speaker 1: that this is something we all have dealt with and

887
00:48:08,880 --> 00:48:13,280
Speaker 1: seeing right, So I hope that this helps in some way. Yes,

888
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:16,080
Speaker 1: And the good news is there are people out there

889
00:48:16,520 --> 00:48:20,120
Speaker 1: who can connect. And there was a survey that said

890
00:48:20,160 --> 00:48:23,920
Speaker 1: that one inton people don't actually have close friends. That

891
00:48:23,960 --> 00:48:27,200
Speaker 1: made me sad because I definitely could tell you immediately

892
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:29,040
Speaker 1: the four people that I could call if I was

893
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,560
Speaker 1: in an emergency state, and it makes me sad to

894
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:34,120
Speaker 1: think that someone might go without that because for sure,

895
00:48:34,280 --> 00:48:37,200
Speaker 1: as a person who don't feel close to my family

896
00:48:37,920 --> 00:48:41,000
Speaker 1: didn't have a family at one point in time, my

897
00:48:41,120 --> 00:48:44,400
Speaker 1: friends are my family. So I can't imagine what it

898
00:48:44,400 --> 00:48:47,080
Speaker 1: would be like not to have people close to me

899
00:48:47,160 --> 00:48:49,160
Speaker 1: that I could lean on and know that will be

900
00:48:49,200 --> 00:48:52,160
Speaker 1: there for the times that I can't be there for

901
00:48:52,200 --> 00:48:55,520
Speaker 1: myself or that I can't see the reason to keep going,

902
00:48:55,520 --> 00:48:58,480
Speaker 1: because I've had many of those times. But having friends

903
00:48:58,520 --> 00:49:01,040
Speaker 1: to truly be there to hold my and in the

904
00:49:01,120 --> 00:49:06,360
Speaker 1: darkest moments. That's been a lifesaver, literally a lifesaver for me. Yes,

905
00:49:06,880 --> 00:49:10,719
Speaker 1: I totally agree. That's very, very, very powerful, and I

906
00:49:11,120 --> 00:49:13,879
Speaker 1: wish that everyone had it because I don't. I think

907
00:49:13,920 --> 00:49:16,879
Speaker 1: it does make you good. Friendships help you make you better,

908
00:49:19,480 --> 00:49:22,160
Speaker 1: because I have to you and Samantha knows. I've been

909
00:49:22,160 --> 00:49:25,279
Speaker 1: on a fan fiction binge. I just read a fan

910
00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:28,959
Speaker 1: fiction where one of the characters was about to die

911
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:33,480
Speaker 1: and realized like literally no one would come to save

912
00:49:33,560 --> 00:49:38,480
Speaker 1: him because he's a terrible person and some friends changed

913
00:49:38,520 --> 00:49:44,320
Speaker 1: his ways once he survived. That sounds like a scrooge.

914
00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:50,040
Speaker 1: I'm very very much Yes, yes, don't be a scrooge everyone,

915
00:49:51,080 --> 00:49:53,440
Speaker 1: And if you need friends and you've been listening to

916
00:49:53,560 --> 00:49:55,920
Speaker 1: us and count as as friends, please know we are

917
00:49:55,960 --> 00:49:59,640
Speaker 1: your friends. Yes, yes, we really do appreciate the support

918
00:49:59,680 --> 00:50:01,920
Speaker 1: from all you. That is a true statement. And if

919
00:50:01,960 --> 00:50:04,480
Speaker 1: you would like to contact us, you can our emails

920
00:50:04,520 --> 00:50:06,560
Speaker 1: Stuff Media, mom Stuff at i heeart media dot com.

921
00:50:06,760 --> 00:50:08,560
Speaker 1: You can find us on Instagram at stuff I've Never

922
00:50:08,600 --> 00:50:10,919
Speaker 1: Told You, are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast. Thanks

923
00:50:10,920 --> 00:50:13,319
Speaker 1: it's always to our super producer Christina, who is also

924
00:50:13,400 --> 00:50:16,800
Speaker 1: a friend. Yes, and thanks to you for listening stuff

925
00:50:16,840 --> 00:50:18,560
Speaker 1: I never told you the production of iHeart Radio. For

926
00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:20,919
Speaker 1: more podcast from My heart Radio, visit the iHeart Radio app,

927
00:50:20,920 --> 00:50:23,320
Speaker 1: Apple podcast, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.