WEBVTT - Trauma Response 0:00:00.160 --> 0:00:03.119 Welcome to Carefully Reckless, the production of Our Heart Radio 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:16.439 and the Black Effects. And just like that, we're back 0:00:16.480 --> 0:00:19.760 with yet another carefully Reckless episode with your girl just hilarious. 0:00:19.800 --> 0:00:22.120 We're gonna jump straight in. It's just fixed my mess. 0:00:22.160 --> 0:00:25.320 You already know. People are submitting more and more voice 0:00:25.360 --> 0:00:28.000 memos and I am loving it because that means I 0:00:28.000 --> 0:00:30.640 don't have to read these long run on sentence as 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:34.479 paragrams that y'all be sending me. So here we go. Hi. 0:00:34.680 --> 0:00:38.640 Just long story short, I have a five y'all with 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:42.159 an abuser, and the abuse has come to a boiling 0:00:42.200 --> 0:00:45.800 point where I cannot take it anymore. It doesn't stop 0:00:46.280 --> 0:00:50.080 I fil charges. Don't get me wrong. I fight because 0:00:50.200 --> 0:00:52.400 because I watched, because I have to. But now that's 0:00:52.400 --> 0:00:54.880 to the point where I have to constantly get a 0:00:54.960 --> 0:00:58.840 tool with his family for disrespecting me, and the girlfriend 0:00:58.880 --> 0:01:00.960 because she feels like she's a time into my child 0:01:01.320 --> 0:01:03.840 and I don't understand that considers you don't have no kids, 0:01:03.880 --> 0:01:05.800 and I would never send my child with somebody rather 0:01:05.840 --> 0:01:08.800 problem with me. I am sick of the abuse. My 0:01:08.880 --> 0:01:13.920 son is extremely traumatized, and I need space. I was 0:01:13.959 --> 0:01:18.240 in the relationship for five years. I have been beaten 0:01:18.280 --> 0:01:20.160 to the point of having a concussion. I have a 0:01:20.200 --> 0:01:22.320 babar to sept them. I've had patches of hair and 0:01:22.480 --> 0:01:25.280 and you name it. I don't want to be that 0:01:25.400 --> 0:01:31.160 parents away from his father, but I have no idea 0:01:31.280 --> 0:01:36.240 what else to do. It is paining to have to 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:39.440 do this, and I know he loves his dad, but 0:01:39.560 --> 0:01:42.319 it is draining and it is not fair that he 0:01:42.360 --> 0:01:45.440 gets to come around beat up on me and then 0:01:45.680 --> 0:01:48.760 go live his life. He's for me while we suffer. 0:01:49.400 --> 0:01:51.760 I love the fact that you're in rome have a 0:01:51.760 --> 0:01:55.120 good relationship. I thought that maybe taking tips from you 0:01:55.160 --> 0:01:57.880 with help, but he's so severely messed up in the 0:01:58.000 --> 0:01:59.880 head and have too many mommy issues for me to 0:01:59.880 --> 0:02:05.080 do it to even compare with. I need your help, baby. 0:02:05.360 --> 0:02:07.840 You already know what you have to do. So you 0:02:07.960 --> 0:02:12.560 r in a five year relationship with this man. When 0:02:12.600 --> 0:02:15.240 did this fucking abuse start? Like? When did it start? 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:20.040 Because if it's always been something that you kind of 0:02:20.080 --> 0:02:23.720 like let roll off your back, maybe he felt as 0:02:23.720 --> 0:02:26.800 if it was okay because they'll do what you allow. 0:02:26.960 --> 0:02:29.720 You know, men will do what you allow. Maybe you 0:02:29.800 --> 0:02:35.720 ignored red flags because there's no fucking way this man 0:02:36.200 --> 0:02:39.279 has beaten you to a point of having a concussion, 0:02:39.639 --> 0:02:42.120 and you said some other ship that was going on 0:02:42.200 --> 0:02:44.560 with you, patches of hair missing and all the other ship, 0:02:45.160 --> 0:02:49.080 and you stayed after this. Now I know what you said. 0:02:49.160 --> 0:02:52.240 Don't get you wrong. You fight, but you shouldn't have 0:02:52.320 --> 0:02:55.800 to fight a motherfucking man. It doesn't matter. It doesn't 0:02:55.840 --> 0:02:58.480 matter if you fight or not. You should not have 0:02:58.560 --> 0:03:02.400 to fight. You're children's father. You shouldn't have to fight 0:03:02.400 --> 0:03:04.920 no man, but definitely not a man that gave you 0:03:04.960 --> 0:03:08.880 a child like funck No, how could he even feel 0:03:09.880 --> 0:03:13.240 like a man beating on a woman who is the 0:03:13.280 --> 0:03:15.760 mother of his child. And then, you know, you said, 0:03:15.800 --> 0:03:17.200 you get into it with the family, and you know 0:03:17.280 --> 0:03:20.600 his girlfriend. He has a girlfriend who he's probably more 0:03:20.600 --> 0:03:23.000 than likely beating the funk out of as well, but 0:03:23.680 --> 0:03:26.840 she has a problem with you, and so your child 0:03:26.919 --> 0:03:29.360 is traumatized and all that ship. No, no, no, no 0:03:29.360 --> 0:03:32.959 no no. You don't want to be that parent who 0:03:33.160 --> 0:03:37.160 does not allow your son's father to see him. However, 0:03:37.720 --> 0:03:41.920 this is detrimental to your life, y'all argue, y'all fight. 0:03:42.520 --> 0:03:44.920 You have to fight his family. You know, you have 0:03:45.080 --> 0:03:47.680 to find a way to explain to your baby white 0:03:47.800 --> 0:03:49.960 he has to take a break from daddy. You know, 0:03:50.120 --> 0:03:54.360 just Utio, your son's dad gets himself together, fuck the girlfriend, 0:03:54.600 --> 0:03:58.720 fucked his family. It's about you and your safety. It's 0:03:58.720 --> 0:04:02.360 about staying away from him and explaining to him why 0:04:02.520 --> 0:04:05.440 he needs to understand why you need a fucking restraining 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:08.400 order or a peace order or some type of order 0:04:08.440 --> 0:04:10.720 put in place. Now. I know the laws a big 0:04:10.760 --> 0:04:13.440 ass fucking joke when it comes to domestic violence and 0:04:13.680 --> 0:04:15.760 things of that nature. But you need to do what 0:04:15.840 --> 0:04:18.039 you can. This is not something that I would let 0:04:18.160 --> 0:04:21.080 roll off my back. And you actually need more help 0:04:21.520 --> 0:04:24.800 than Jess fix my mess, girl, You need the whole 0:04:24.839 --> 0:04:28.920 Alma of God. Obviously this is dangerous. I feel for you. 0:04:28.960 --> 0:04:31.680 I will keep you in my prayers, but this is dangerous, 0:04:32.600 --> 0:04:35.200 God damn Like and then your baby boy is so 0:04:35.320 --> 0:04:38.520 young to even have to go through this. Do y'all 0:04:38.520 --> 0:04:40.599 fight in front of him? Does he hit you in 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:43.159 front of your child? You know like that this is 0:04:43.240 --> 0:04:45.719 this is a lot. You told me he was traumatized, 0:04:45.760 --> 0:04:47.840 so maybe that is the answer to that question. Yes, 0:04:48.480 --> 0:04:51.120 y'all actually do this in front of him. That's not good, 0:04:51.120 --> 0:04:54.440 that's not healthy. That's showing your son that he can 0:04:54.480 --> 0:04:57.640 disrespect women. If his father acts out in front of him. 0:04:57.720 --> 0:05:01.039 It's showing him that my me is a punching bag. 0:05:01.160 --> 0:05:04.480 You know. It's showing him how to treat women, which 0:05:04.520 --> 0:05:07.280 is not a good thing. You understand me, So I 0:05:07.400 --> 0:05:09.680 understand you don't want to be that parent that takes 0:05:09.720 --> 0:05:12.479 the son, that takes the child away from his father. 0:05:12.520 --> 0:05:15.400 But right now you have to be that parent, and 0:05:15.480 --> 0:05:18.279 you have to do it for the well being of yourself, 0:05:18.279 --> 0:05:21.159 for your mental sanity, so you can raise your son 0:05:21.480 --> 0:05:23.560 the right way, so you can be in the right 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:26.600 mind to even raise your child, because if you ain't 0:05:26.600 --> 0:05:28.600 no good, you can't be no good for you. Baby. 0:05:28.880 --> 0:05:31.920 All right, check back in with me with an update. Girl, 0:05:32.880 --> 0:05:36.279 that's really sad. I don't think people really understand the 0:05:36.360 --> 0:05:40.719 severity of an abusive relationship. I don't think people really 0:05:40.800 --> 0:05:44.120 really take it serious until they can't get out. I 0:05:44.120 --> 0:05:47.280 think people ignore, ignore, ignore, They hope for the best. 0:05:47.320 --> 0:05:50.000 They pray that this man changes, or they pray that 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:53.240 the woman changes, because you know, women can be abusers 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:56.599 as well. They continue to stay in these relationships hoping 0:05:56.640 --> 0:06:00.680 that the person will change, and more times often than 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:04.560 not they don't and people wait too late to do something. 0:06:05.360 --> 0:06:07.359 I really hope that she gets helped for her and 0:06:07.440 --> 0:06:11.039 her child, because that sho ain't nothing to play with. Seriously, 0:06:11.800 --> 0:06:13.800 hold up, hold up. I noticed she getting good. But 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:16.000 listen to just a couple of seconds of a commercial 0:06:16.080 --> 0:06:20.800 with you love Me. You'll listen moving on. This is 0:06:20.839 --> 0:06:23.640 like my fist time trying to send this message. I 0:06:23.720 --> 0:06:26.480 just feel so ashamed, but I just I feel like 0:06:26.520 --> 0:06:29.280 I have to just let it out. I won't get therapy. 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:33.479 But I recently saw this TikTok trend where you know, 0:06:33.600 --> 0:06:36.520 girls were saying like, if a girl wants to be 0:06:36.560 --> 0:06:39.360 your friend and she doesn't have any friends, then that's 0:06:39.400 --> 0:06:42.799 a huge red flag. And when I first saw TikTok, 0:06:42.839 --> 0:06:45.559 I was like, man, funck y'all bitches, Like, what the funk? 0:06:45.640 --> 0:06:50.360 There's mad bitches that have zero friends but our hello cool. 0:06:50.880 --> 0:06:54.560 It's me on bitches, zero friends but too cool. I 0:06:54.640 --> 0:06:58.479 guess I don't fucking know. Let me just start off 0:06:58.480 --> 0:07:02.160 by saying this. I didn't have a good life growing up. 0:07:02.320 --> 0:07:05.719 You know, I didn't have two parents who you know, 0:07:05.760 --> 0:07:10.480 watched me and taught me things. I'm learning things on 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:14.240 my own. Girl, with a single mom. My dad passed 0:07:14.240 --> 0:07:17.360 away when I was a kid, when I was a baby. Um, 0:07:17.400 --> 0:07:19.680 so my mom, you know, I had to pick up 0:07:19.680 --> 0:07:24.800 the pieces. I have nine siblings and she had to 0:07:24.840 --> 0:07:26.920 figure out a way to keep a roof overhead, you 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:29.040 know what I mean. I had three jobs, was living 0:07:29.040 --> 0:07:32.800 on Section eight. We didn't have any money, and my 0:07:32.840 --> 0:07:35.440 mom's starting, you know, starting from the bottom when I 0:07:35.480 --> 0:07:38.560 was young, and that resulted to me, you know, having 0:07:38.600 --> 0:07:41.920 a very traumatic childhood because you know, when you leave 0:07:42.600 --> 0:07:45.640 siblings with other siblings and and I don't I don't 0:07:45.640 --> 0:07:47.920 blame my siblings for what happened to me as a baby, 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:51.520 but you know it was it was somebody's fault because 0:07:52.080 --> 0:07:54.320 I was just a fucking baby. I had something very 0:07:54.320 --> 0:07:56.920 traumatic happened to me that I did not deserve, and 0:07:57.000 --> 0:07:59.320 it was because I was neglected. You know. My mom 0:07:59.400 --> 0:08:01.600 left me with my siblings, but they never watched me. 0:08:01.760 --> 0:08:05.640 So I imagine a kid six seven years old just 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:09.960 roaming the streets. Nobody gives a fuck. I mean, sometimes 0:08:10.040 --> 0:08:13.239 my sister would come back home from partying with her friends. 0:08:13.680 --> 0:08:15.679 She's a teenager, you know what I mean, what teenager 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:17.640 wants to take care of her a baby. She would 0:08:17.640 --> 0:08:20.040 see me just roaming the streets and be like, Yo'll 0:08:20.040 --> 0:08:22.120 go back in the house, and then she would change 0:08:22.600 --> 0:08:25.400 and then go back outside. And that's when I would 0:08:25.400 --> 0:08:29.000 just leave, whenever my siblings would leave. And yeah, just 0:08:29.080 --> 0:08:31.840 a lot of traumatic things happened to me at that age. 0:08:32.040 --> 0:08:35.239 I don't really want to get into it, but whatever 0:08:35.320 --> 0:08:37.360 you think is the worst thing that can have happened 0:08:37.400 --> 0:08:41.760 to a child is what happened. What happened to me. 0:08:43.720 --> 0:08:47.760 So back to what I first said about friends, I 0:08:47.840 --> 0:08:53.480 found myself in my twenties not really having any friends. 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:56.480 I like to take it back to when I was 0:08:56.520 --> 0:09:01.320 a kid. Fifth Great, there's this girl. You know, she 0:09:01.400 --> 0:09:04.840 had a boyfriend, she had a lot of friends. I 0:09:04.920 --> 0:09:07.480 was just really jealous of her. So what did I do? 0:09:07.600 --> 0:09:10.959 I just bullied her. Young me had friends. I've always 0:09:11.000 --> 0:09:14.480 had friends in school. I was never a loner kid, Okay, 0:09:14.480 --> 0:09:19.360 but I was just a bully. This girl literally got 0:09:19.360 --> 0:09:22.080 a Valentine's Day gift one time and I fucking threw 0:09:22.120 --> 0:09:25.000 her ship in the fucking garbage in the fucking toilet. 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:28.240 Told her fight me in class, fight me, because she 0:09:28.320 --> 0:09:31.600 was like, yo, why did you do that? Graduations spilled 0:09:31.679 --> 0:09:36.440 milk on her gown dress, like why everybody was laughing? 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:40.840 Like what I was so problematic? Middle school? This girl 0:09:41.360 --> 0:09:44.280 lets me borrow her laptop and I bring it back 0:09:44.360 --> 0:09:46.640 and on the bus I find a view of her 0:09:46.720 --> 0:09:50.280 dancing in her underwear showed. Everybody in the bus humiliated 0:09:50.320 --> 0:09:55.400 her for what? Middle school? This girl I was jealous 0:09:55.440 --> 0:09:59.360 of how beautiful, beautiful she was, bullied her, constantly made 0:09:59.360 --> 0:10:01.760 fun of her on her face, wouldn't let her join 0:10:01.880 --> 0:10:06.200 my friend group for what. I don't even know. High 0:10:06.240 --> 0:10:09.720 school my best friend her sex stape was weeked. All 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:11.680 she asked me was you'll find out. Can you please 0:10:11.720 --> 0:10:13.880 find out who did it? I find out who did it. 0:10:14.040 --> 0:10:15.960 I gave her the name. She said, who told you? 0:10:16.080 --> 0:10:18.880 Because she needs to know everything? And I told her, 0:10:18.920 --> 0:10:20.679 I'm not going to tell you because the girl that 0:10:20.800 --> 0:10:23.400 told me told me not to tell her for what reason. 0:10:23.880 --> 0:10:26.680 I don't even know. Another girl that I was really 0:10:26.679 --> 0:10:28.760 close with, you know, I grew up in the same neighborhood. 0:10:28.800 --> 0:10:31.960 We were always close. I literally just stole her iPad 0:10:32.360 --> 0:10:34.920 just to piss her off. No, it was iPod, sorry, 0:10:35.120 --> 0:10:38.800 you know, like the music shuffle. iPod stole it from 0:10:38.800 --> 0:10:41.839 her house, told everybody, and I was like, bitch, you're 0:10:41.840 --> 0:10:45.560 not getting it back. Just bullied her no reason, just 0:10:45.600 --> 0:10:48.439 because I felt like it. It's just so many fucked 0:10:48.520 --> 0:10:54.080 up things slop with my best friend's boyfriend, stole every 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:58.600 nincause she had ever been with, talked about her on 0:10:58.679 --> 0:11:01.839 social media, told all her business because I was matter 0:11:02.080 --> 0:11:06.280 for no reason over me fighting her when I was drunk. 0:11:06.400 --> 0:11:09.280 That she was defending herself pissed me off, so I 0:11:09.320 --> 0:11:12.280 went on social media. I was still drunk, told all 0:11:12.280 --> 0:11:16.240 her business on social media. She still forgave me. One day, 0:11:16.240 --> 0:11:18.360 we were at a house party. I didn't want to 0:11:18.440 --> 0:11:20.559 drive her to her house. I was drunk and I 0:11:20.600 --> 0:11:22.680 didn't want to get a d u I and I 0:11:22.800 --> 0:11:24.800 knew how to go to my house, but I didn't 0:11:24.800 --> 0:11:26.880 want to bring her with me. Just left her at 0:11:26.880 --> 0:11:29.400 a party. Anything could happen to her, just left her, 0:11:29.559 --> 0:11:33.400 didn't care, no empathy whatsoever. And there's so many other things, 0:11:33.480 --> 0:11:35.360 but I just I can't think of it right now. 0:11:35.400 --> 0:11:38.880 But those are just a list of things throughout the 0:11:38.920 --> 0:11:42.320 years that I've done for what reason exactly, I don't know. 0:11:43.280 --> 0:11:46.840 And now I'm in my late twenties, I don't have anybody. 0:11:46.840 --> 0:11:48.600 I don't have any friends. I don't have anybody to 0:11:48.640 --> 0:11:51.439 talk to you. I don't have anything. I have siblings 0:11:51.440 --> 0:11:54.520 that I'm close with, but it's not the same. There's 0:11:54.600 --> 0:11:57.000 things that you want to talk to your friends about 0:11:57.040 --> 0:12:00.360 that you can't talk to your siblings about. And I 0:12:00.440 --> 0:12:02.800 just want a connection. I just want I want real, 0:12:03.400 --> 0:12:08.400 you know, friendship, womanhood to circle around me. But I 0:12:08.440 --> 0:12:12.000 feel like I'm getting the karma over all my younger 0:12:12.080 --> 0:12:15.360 years of screwing people over. But is it really karma 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:18.959 if you had to funk up life too? You know 0:12:18.960 --> 0:12:21.640 what I mean? How am I supposed to know how 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:25.080 to treat people if I was never taught anything, I 0:12:25.160 --> 0:12:28.959 was never shown anything. My siblings idea of trying to 0:12:29.080 --> 0:12:32.200 raise me was beating the funk out of me. I 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:35.160 remember when I got suspended in fifth grade for bullying 0:12:35.200 --> 0:12:38.319 that girl. My sibling was like, I opened the door. 0:12:38.960 --> 0:12:41.560 I already felt bad for what I did. He was like, 0:12:42.360 --> 0:12:45.280 I got a belt and I got a hanger, which 0:12:45.280 --> 0:12:46.599 one am I going to beat the funk out of 0:12:46.640 --> 0:12:49.360 you with? And then I got I got beat up. 0:12:50.000 --> 0:12:52.680 I skipped class one day in high school. He put 0:12:52.679 --> 0:12:56.040 his foot in my fucking chest. I couldn't breathe. I 0:12:56.120 --> 0:12:59.800 stole my mom's husband's credit card and bought a bunch 0:12:59.840 --> 0:13:04.600 of ship. Literally, my face was bleeding, my chest was 0:13:04.679 --> 0:13:08.720 read from how badly I was beaten, just all around, 0:13:08.800 --> 0:13:14.320 just me getting abused in my house, and now I'm 0:13:14.360 --> 0:13:17.360 going out and I'm abusing people. I don't understand why 0:13:17.440 --> 0:13:20.880 I'm still suffering, Like why am I suffering? And why 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.920 am I feeling the karma of what I did to 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:26.160 women in the past, and now I have no friends 0:13:26.320 --> 0:13:30.120 because of that. I don't understand how karma works, Like, 0:13:30.520 --> 0:13:32.200 I don't get it. I don't I don't get what 0:13:32.280 --> 0:13:35.360 I'm doing. I do want to change. I see I 0:13:35.440 --> 0:13:37.839 see it now. You know, after all these years, it 0:13:37.960 --> 0:13:41.040 took a one TikTok for me to realize that I'm 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:44.600 not good. I'm not a good person, But I always 0:13:44.600 --> 0:13:46.760 felt like a good person. I always felt like, damn, like, 0:13:46.760 --> 0:13:48.880 what the funk? Why why did that person do that 0:13:48.920 --> 0:13:51.200 to me? Why did that person backstabbed me like that? 0:13:52.080 --> 0:13:54.719 No one's ever done any of the ship that I've 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:57.080 didn't done to people. The worst thing that people have 0:13:57.120 --> 0:13:58.599 ever done to me is probably just talked me on 0:13:58.679 --> 0:14:01.600 my back. That's it bird rooms about me, like there's 0:14:01.760 --> 0:14:05.160 nothing that anybody has ever done that. And when I 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:08.320 say anybody, I mean like in regards to friends. I mean, 0:14:08.920 --> 0:14:11.840 I've had a lot of very very traumatic stuff happened 0:14:11.880 --> 0:14:16.680 to me because of my family, you know, But I'm 0:14:16.720 --> 0:14:20.480 talking about like friends at the moment. You know, I've 0:14:20.520 --> 0:14:23.560 never really had a friend that was like horrible to me. 0:14:23.640 --> 0:14:26.680 I've never had any of that. I mean, I've had 0:14:26.720 --> 0:14:29.400 fake bitches around me. It was because I was fake. 0:14:29.640 --> 0:14:32.200 I've had fake friends because I was the fake friend. 0:14:32.840 --> 0:14:36.080 I've had backstabbing weird bitches because I was the backstabbing 0:14:36.120 --> 0:14:40.840 weird bitch. I was the company that I kept, you know, 0:14:41.040 --> 0:14:45.440 So how do you change now that I've acknowledged that 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:48.640 all of the ship that I've done and probably even 0:14:48.880 --> 0:14:51.920 done more, I can't remember right now? What do I do? 0:14:52.000 --> 0:14:53.520 You know what I mean? Do you think that I 0:14:53.520 --> 0:14:57.520 should just not have friends for a little bit longer? 0:14:58.000 --> 0:15:01.040 Should I write down and think of all the stuff 0:15:01.040 --> 0:15:04.760 that I've done, like list by list of age by 0:15:04.800 --> 0:15:08.040 age up until now. I'm still young. Of course I 0:15:08.080 --> 0:15:10.320 have more life to live. But I don't want to 0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:12.240 keep living like this, you know, I don't want to 0:15:12.280 --> 0:15:14.880 keep attracting bad people, And I'm like, why am I 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:17.520 always attracting bad friends? Why am I always attracting bad 0:15:17.520 --> 0:15:19.480 friend And now I realized that I've always been a 0:15:19.520 --> 0:15:23.080 bad friend. They relate to me. They love the fact 0:15:23.120 --> 0:15:27.000 that I'm just like them. Envy my sister. She has 0:15:27.080 --> 0:15:29.760 had the same friends because she was a kid. When 0:15:29.800 --> 0:15:32.000 I tell you this girl, there are people from like 0:15:32.400 --> 0:15:36.280 when she was a child still asking about her, still 0:15:36.360 --> 0:15:40.440 praising her, I'm so jealous of that. Like, I don't 0:15:40.440 --> 0:15:43.760 know what she does. She's a very private um. She 0:15:43.800 --> 0:15:46.360 doesn't really tell me anything. I think she knows that 0:15:48.240 --> 0:15:50.880 I'm a fake ass person, so I don't don't I 0:15:50.880 --> 0:15:54.200 don't blame her. I don't know anything about about that girl. 0:15:55.520 --> 0:15:57.760 I don't think anybody knows anything about her. And I 0:15:57.760 --> 0:16:00.360 admire her for that, um, and I love her for that. 0:16:00.760 --> 0:16:02.960 She's always been there for me. Even though I've never 0:16:02.960 --> 0:16:05.560 really had any real friends. I can say that my 0:16:05.680 --> 0:16:10.320 siblings in my adult years have been my bestest friends. 0:16:10.360 --> 0:16:15.680 And and I don't think they know like how much 0:16:15.720 --> 0:16:18.760 they need to me at a time like this, send 0:16:18.800 --> 0:16:21.280 my life for I've just had a horrible ship happened 0:16:21.320 --> 0:16:26.880 to me you know, over and over again, and you 0:16:26.880 --> 0:16:29.320 know I can see that even though like none of 0:16:29.360 --> 0:16:33.040 my friends ever stuck, I think my sisters have definitely 0:16:33.080 --> 0:16:35.440 like have stuck with me, you know, when I love 0:16:35.520 --> 0:16:38.320 them like so much. But I feel so lonely now 0:16:39.280 --> 0:16:44.240 and I feel so shitty. I feel so bad, and 0:16:46.520 --> 0:16:49.160 I wish I could apologize to those girls. I probably 0:16:49.200 --> 0:16:55.560 traumatized them because I was traumatized. I definitely want to change. 0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:58.480 I want to change. I want to be better. I 0:16:58.560 --> 0:17:01.560 want to have an amazing circle of friends, you know, 0:17:01.640 --> 0:17:04.480 and I want to be happy, and I just want 0:17:04.520 --> 0:17:07.399 to move on. And I'm tired of crying all the 0:17:07.480 --> 0:17:11.239 time when I'm in my apartment by myself, and I realized, like, 0:17:11.359 --> 0:17:13.800 damn dish, and you just finished the whole fucking bottle 0:17:13.840 --> 0:17:20.560 of wine by yourself night after night, thinking you're having 0:17:20.560 --> 0:17:24.080 a ball, but deep telling you and just lonely, and 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:26.240 the first person that talks to you end up spilling 0:17:26.240 --> 0:17:30.600 along with your secrets because you genuinely want someone to 0:17:30.640 --> 0:17:36.080 talk to. That's me right now. But yeah, thank you 0:17:36.200 --> 0:17:40.640 for listening. Oh and I know I know it'll get better, 0:17:42.040 --> 0:17:45.280 Damn baby girl, If you love me, you'll listen to 0:17:45.320 --> 0:17:50.200 this commercial and then we'll be right back. Listen. Let 0:17:50.200 --> 0:17:52.840 me tell you. You sent me through a series of 0:17:52.920 --> 0:17:55.720 emotions with your story. I'm going to tell you I 0:17:55.840 --> 0:18:03.240 went from being said sorry for you, disappointed, angry with you, 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:08.680 content with you, proud of you, wanting to beat your ass, 0:18:08.800 --> 0:18:12.160 still wanting to hug you, grab you, and just hug 0:18:12.240 --> 0:18:15.919 you and tell you that it is okay. I'm not 0:18:15.960 --> 0:18:19.000 gonna sit here and say it's okay. You should be 0:18:19.040 --> 0:18:22.440 forgiven for everything you did. Know you didn't sucked over 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:26.120 some people, but you already know you did. I don't 0:18:26.119 --> 0:18:28.040 have to beat a dead horse. You already know what 0:18:28.080 --> 0:18:32.760 you did was wrong. And when it comes to karma, no, no, 0:18:33.200 --> 0:18:36.360 I don't believe that's what you're getting. I don't believe 0:18:36.400 --> 0:18:39.480 that this is your karma or any of that ship. 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:43.840 What I do believe it's hurt people. Hurt people. Yes, 0:18:44.520 --> 0:18:48.920 you was traumatized from a kid up until you were 0:18:49.119 --> 0:18:52.280 a adult. You got the ship beat out of you. 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:56.399 Your mother didn't raise you, your father died, You and 0:18:56.440 --> 0:19:00.440 your siblings had to fend for yourselves, so you basically 0:19:00.600 --> 0:19:05.680 raised yourself along with your siblings wherever they could pitch 0:19:05.720 --> 0:19:09.080 in and help raise you as well. Y'all raised each other. 0:19:09.440 --> 0:19:12.600 It's nine of you. I see things like this all 0:19:12.600 --> 0:19:16.120 the time. I grew up around families like this. I've 0:19:16.160 --> 0:19:19.680 seen it. I'm gonna tell your story. I'm serious. Someone 0:19:19.720 --> 0:19:22.720 who was once a friend of mine, y'all may know 0:19:22.800 --> 0:19:25.960 this story. A couple of years ago, this girl had 0:19:26.040 --> 0:19:30.000 put my personal information all over the internet. Not my sister. 0:19:30.160 --> 0:19:31.520 My sister had did it to me, but I had 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:34.119 a friend. She put both of my phone numbers and 0:19:34.119 --> 0:19:37.000 my address because I had made her angry. We were 0:19:37.080 --> 0:19:39.159 arguing back and forth, and she did that. You know, 0:19:39.200 --> 0:19:41.239 I had to move out of my house. I had 0:19:41.280 --> 0:19:43.960 to change both of my numbers, the same number that 0:19:44.000 --> 0:19:46.920 I've had since middle school. That everyone knew, everybody in 0:19:46.960 --> 0:19:50.280 the industry, old friends, family, all that people, important people 0:19:50.800 --> 0:19:53.520 had to change that. She came from a big family. 0:19:53.840 --> 0:19:56.920 Her mother didn't raise her either. Her mother was somewhere 0:19:57.040 --> 0:19:59.400 chasing men and ship like that. You know what I mean. 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:02.800 She don't have her father. Her father is actually dying, 0:20:03.000 --> 0:20:05.800 if he's not already dead, but he was never in 0:20:05.840 --> 0:20:08.280 her life. Didn't even want to meet her while he 0:20:08.320 --> 0:20:11.560 was sick on his deathbed, didn't even want to fucking 0:20:11.800 --> 0:20:15.080 apologize for anything that he did or anything that he 0:20:15.119 --> 0:20:17.879 didn't do as a father. Her and her siblings had 0:20:17.920 --> 0:20:21.480 to raise each other in the house. She used to 0:20:21.520 --> 0:20:25.119 be walking up and down the street barefoot. Same ship 0:20:25.200 --> 0:20:29.040 that you are describing to me happened to this girl 0:20:29.119 --> 0:20:32.320 that was once my friend. Every friendship that she has 0:20:32.400 --> 0:20:35.440 created and she has been in, she has fucked up. 0:20:36.359 --> 0:20:39.439 So when I look at you and I look at 0:20:39.480 --> 0:20:44.920 your story, you remind me of my old friend. We've 0:20:44.960 --> 0:20:50.160 recently reconnected. I will never ever, ever trust her ever 0:20:50.280 --> 0:20:54.320 again in my presence, with my new address, with any 0:20:54.359 --> 0:20:55.960 of my numbers. But we kind of speak here and 0:20:56.000 --> 0:21:00.560 there on social media. She's pregnant now, but she describe 0:21:00.800 --> 0:21:02.679 some of the same things that you described to me. 0:21:02.880 --> 0:21:05.160 She was a very lonely person. I don't know if 0:21:05.160 --> 0:21:07.920 she is now, but I have forgiven her for everything 0:21:07.960 --> 0:21:11.360 that she's done, because there were some really good memories 0:21:11.400 --> 0:21:13.520 that we had in our friendship, you know, before all 0:21:13.520 --> 0:21:18.040 that ship went down. But I realized she's hurt from 0:21:18.040 --> 0:21:22.520 her childhood. You are hurt from your childhood, and you 0:21:22.600 --> 0:21:25.560 inflict pain on others because it was inflicted on you. 0:21:26.000 --> 0:21:29.360 Hurt people, hurt people. I know that's a very cliche saying, 0:21:29.720 --> 0:21:34.240 but it's true. You are very fucking hurt and you're damaged. 0:21:34.320 --> 0:21:37.399 And I suggest that you get into like a peace group. 0:21:37.880 --> 0:21:39.120 I don't know if you go to church. I don't 0:21:39.119 --> 0:21:40.960 know if you're a Christian or not or whatever, But 0:21:41.280 --> 0:21:44.800 there are all types of groups, different types of groups 0:21:44.800 --> 0:21:47.440 that you can get in to build your social status 0:21:47.600 --> 0:21:49.760 learning how to treat people. You said you don't know 0:21:49.800 --> 0:21:53.399 how to treat people. You can start by first writing 0:21:53.400 --> 0:21:55.879 down how you want to be treated. What do you 0:21:55.880 --> 0:21:57.639 want to feel? Do you want to feel how you 0:21:57.720 --> 0:22:00.359 felt growing up? No? Funck No? Do you want to 0:22:00.400 --> 0:22:04.920 feel like those girls that you ridiculed and you tortured 0:22:05.000 --> 0:22:07.760 and you bullied? And ship? You want to feel like that? No? 0:22:07.880 --> 0:22:10.080 You don't want to feel like that. Do you want 0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:12.080 to do that ship? No, you don't want to do 0:22:12.119 --> 0:22:16.240 that ship. I think that that's a good outlet for you. 0:22:16.240 --> 0:22:18.240 You should get into one of those groups. There are 0:22:18.320 --> 0:22:21.480