1
00:00:00,200 --> 00:00:07,160
Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. You

2
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:11,159
Speaker 1: ain't never gonna be man enough. Those words would haunt me.

3
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:13,800
Speaker 1: I would hear their echo in his voice, in the

4
00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:16,800
Speaker 1: squish of hunting waiters stepping into a marsh, in the

5
00:00:16,800 --> 00:00:20,400
Speaker 1: metallic clinking of his wrenches while he fixed the grain combine.

6
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:23,720
Speaker 1: I would hear those words every morning when I walked

7
00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:26,680
Speaker 1: to the one room schoolhouse and watered the ponderous pine.

8
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:29,400
Speaker 1: I would hear them when I was promoted the CEO,

9
00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:32,720
Speaker 1: came out of the closet, got married and divorced, and

10
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:36,120
Speaker 1: graduated twice from Cornell University with the Masters and doctorate,

11
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:39,000
Speaker 1: Knowing my father was not present for any of it.

12
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,520
Speaker 1: Long after he came home from Vietnam and started fighting

13
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:45,879
Speaker 1: a different war against cancer, I would always remember that

14
00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:51,400
Speaker 1: I ain't never going to be man enough. That's Trent Pressler.

15
00:00:52,159 --> 00:00:56,360
Speaker 1: Trent is the CEO of Bedel Sellers, an esteemed vineyard

16
00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:59,160
Speaker 1: on the North Fork of Long Island. He's the author

17
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:02,680
Speaker 1: of the debut Men More, Little and Often, And Trent

18
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:07,880
Speaker 1: is also the builder of bespoke artisanal canoes. His canoes

19
00:01:07,920 --> 00:01:11,160
Speaker 1: have been called the most beautiful in the world. This

20
00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,959
Speaker 1: is the story of what one man does in order

21
00:01:13,959 --> 00:01:29,880
Speaker 1: to make meaning of the secrecy and silence surrounding his life.

22
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:35,600
Speaker 1: I'm Danny Shapiro, and this is family secrets, the secrets

23
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:38,080
Speaker 1: that are kept from us, the secrets we keep from others,

24
00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:44,840
Speaker 1: and the secrets we keep from ourselves. Where I grew

25
00:01:44,959 --> 00:01:48,840
Speaker 1: up in South Dakota was flat and void of pretty

26
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:54,080
Speaker 1: much anything. In the extreme western part of the state

27
00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:56,880
Speaker 1: where we lived, it was you know, it's the prairie,

28
00:01:56,920 --> 00:01:59,320
Speaker 1: so it's flat, d aren't many trees. But there was

29
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:03,000
Speaker 1: also some study done by a Berkeley sociologist in the

30
00:02:03,480 --> 00:02:06,520
Speaker 1: I think in the eighties or nineties. The tin pointed

31
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,680
Speaker 1: the most remote part of the lower forty eight states,

32
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:14,440
Speaker 1: and his his barometer was which part of the U

33
00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,000
Speaker 1: s where does people live? Where their furthest away from

34
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:21,120
Speaker 1: a McDonald's drive through and the coordinate latitude and longitude

35
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:25,799
Speaker 1: pointed to my family's branch in South Dakota. So we

36
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:30,280
Speaker 1: were just surrounded by by almost nothing, just grass and cattle.

37
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:34,520
Speaker 1: There were five times more cows than people in that

38
00:02:34,600 --> 00:02:37,400
Speaker 1: part of South Dakota. What you're saying is that you

39
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,519
Speaker 1: could drive for hours and still be on on the

40
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:44,720
Speaker 1: land of your ranch. Absolutely Yeah. There's even a sign,

41
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,200
Speaker 1: like an old billboard in my hometown which is called

42
00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:51,320
Speaker 1: Faith South Dakota, where it's like, if you haven't filled

43
00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,440
Speaker 1: up your car with gas now, you should turn around

44
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:57,600
Speaker 1: and go back because the next station isn't like for

45
00:02:57,639 --> 00:03:01,240
Speaker 1: another ninety round a mile. What was the origin of

46
00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,440
Speaker 1: the town being called stas say, South Dakota is just

47
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,560
Speaker 1: so poetic and strange. I know there was a time,

48
00:03:08,160 --> 00:03:11,079
Speaker 1: I believe in the late eighteen hundreds and around nineteen

49
00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:13,920
Speaker 1: o six when my family came from the Ukraine where

50
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:17,120
Speaker 1: that settlement was the last stop on the railroad. The

51
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:19,560
Speaker 1: Burlington Northern I think was the name of it. I'm

52
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,880
Speaker 1: not sure which company operated at the time, but if

53
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,640
Speaker 1: you took a train from New York City to Chicago

54
00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,919
Speaker 1: and then Chicago West, like, that's kind of where they

55
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:30,840
Speaker 1: That's as far as they had built it at that point.

56
00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:33,080
Speaker 1: And I think that the people got out, you know,

57
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,320
Speaker 1: didn't see much when they got out, so it took

58
00:03:35,640 --> 00:03:40,240
Speaker 1: an act of faith to sort of settle there. In fact,

59
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:45,160
Speaker 1: the family lore is that my great grandparents got off

60
00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:48,520
Speaker 1: that train in faith and looked around and they felt

61
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,840
Speaker 1: right at home because they came from the steps of

62
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,840
Speaker 1: Ukraine where basically, I mean it's basically Siberian in nature,

63
00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,240
Speaker 1: and they said it reminded them of home and they

64
00:03:57,280 --> 00:03:59,480
Speaker 1: felt comfortable there, so that they were happy to settle

65
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:04,200
Speaker 1: in the days. Tell me about your mother, you know,

66
00:04:04,240 --> 00:04:07,040
Speaker 1: from your childhood self, when you were growing up, and

67
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,400
Speaker 1: about your family life. What was it like to be

68
00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:13,400
Speaker 1: in this vast place with many more cows than people

69
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:16,880
Speaker 1: in a one room school house? Right, Well, it was,

70
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:20,359
Speaker 1: you know, ranch life was rough, and my mother was

71
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,279
Speaker 1: always I think I called it running interference, but she

72
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:28,080
Speaker 1: always kind of was the conduit of communication between me

73
00:04:28,120 --> 00:04:30,799
Speaker 1: and my father, and she was always kind of softening

74
00:04:30,839 --> 00:04:33,520
Speaker 1: the blow of a lot of the harsh things that

75
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,080
Speaker 1: happened growing up on a cattle ranch. So my family

76
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:40,279
Speaker 1: had about ten thousand acres of land. My father raised

77
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:44,320
Speaker 1: a couple thousand head of cattle. He formed wheat, barley, alfalfa,

78
00:04:44,720 --> 00:04:48,440
Speaker 1: many crops, and then my mom's role was to keep

79
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,159
Speaker 1: the home and she had a basically a master class

80
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:55,920
Speaker 1: in food production, these massive gardens and canning and preserving

81
00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:59,680
Speaker 1: operations that she was constantly involved in. And I went

82
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:02,479
Speaker 1: to a in room school house which had eight students,

83
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:06,400
Speaker 1: and I would either walk or ride horse to get there,

84
00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,600
Speaker 1: and you know, Mom would pack my lunch box and

85
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,520
Speaker 1: kind of send me along the way. But Dad was

86
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:18,560
Speaker 1: this harsh kind of cowboy, silent, stoic figure in every

87
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:24,520
Speaker 1: quintessential American cowboy way that you can think of. And Mom,

88
00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:26,719
Speaker 1: you know, kind of I think shielded me to some

89
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,359
Speaker 1: extent as much as she could from the brutality of

90
00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:33,279
Speaker 1: ranch life. And we were surrounded by death all the time,

91
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:37,919
Speaker 1: you know, killing chickens for food, or killing beef cattle. Um,

92
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:41,200
Speaker 1: even our pet dogs would get rinnen over by tractors

93
00:05:41,279 --> 00:05:43,719
Speaker 1: or kicked in the head by cows or horses. Like

94
00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:47,520
Speaker 1: it was just this constant um barrage, which I think

95
00:05:47,560 --> 00:05:51,159
Speaker 1: was really traumatic for a young person. So I think

96
00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,280
Speaker 1: Mom did the best she could. But in Dad's mind,

97
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,040
Speaker 1: I don't think there was any shielding us for many

98
00:05:55,080 --> 00:05:56,560
Speaker 1: of it. I think he kind of wanted us to

99
00:05:56,600 --> 00:06:00,000
Speaker 1: be exposed to it in a way. See how really

100
00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:05,599
Speaker 1: is did that violent, kind of raw, kind of punishing existence.

101
00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:07,800
Speaker 1: Did it feel to you as a kid, like that

102
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:12,240
Speaker 1: was just the world? Yes? It did. I didn't know

103
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,880
Speaker 1: anything else, I mean I had We would go to church,

104
00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:17,800
Speaker 1: where we were told a lot of hell fire and

105
00:06:17,839 --> 00:06:21,200
Speaker 1: brimstone kind of things. But it was a very sheltered life,

106
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:24,279
Speaker 1: and it didn't seem all that abnormal that we had

107
00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,039
Speaker 1: to get water from a pump that came out of

108
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:28,320
Speaker 1: a window and you know, the water kind of ran

109
00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:31,679
Speaker 1: brown for two seconds before it turned clear. That didn't

110
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,719
Speaker 1: seem abnormal to me. Nothing did. It was just like, well,

111
00:06:34,839 --> 00:06:37,880
Speaker 1: if you wanted to watch television, Dad had to climb

112
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,039
Speaker 1: up on the roof of the house and turn the

113
00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:44,320
Speaker 1: antenne to face the cities in the east, and then

114
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:46,800
Speaker 1: we'd watch the TV. And then he'd go back on

115
00:06:46,839 --> 00:06:51,080
Speaker 1: the roof and take the antennae down. Trent shared this

116
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,760
Speaker 1: upbringing with his sister Lucinda, who was just two years older.

117
00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:59,120
Speaker 1: But Lucinda's health began to deteriorate quite rapidly when she

118
00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:01,480
Speaker 1: was ten years old, and she fell down and had

119
00:07:01,480 --> 00:07:04,040
Speaker 1: a seizure right in front of Trent on a dusty

120
00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:07,560
Speaker 1: barn yard. Not only did her mysterious illness add to

121
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,800
Speaker 1: the constant barrage of trauma, but it also set in

122
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:15,559
Speaker 1: motion a family pensiant for silence and secrecy. Difficult things

123
00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,600
Speaker 1: were not spoken of. There were a lot of mysteries

124
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,360
Speaker 1: and secrets in our family, and that was one of

125
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,400
Speaker 1: the first ones I remember where we just didn't know

126
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:29,120
Speaker 1: what's wrong with Lucy? Why is she suddenly, you know,

127
00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:32,120
Speaker 1: unable to do the things that she could always do?

128
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:38,600
Speaker 1: And did you talk about it? No? No, it was

129
00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:43,560
Speaker 1: sort of mm hmm, well she's having a hard time.

130
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,760
Speaker 1: There was no specificity or clarity, like here's a medical

131
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,520
Speaker 1: definition of what's going on with her until much later

132
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,040
Speaker 1: in life, when I had to press for it and say,

133
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:55,640
Speaker 1: is there a name for this and what's wrong? And

134
00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:57,800
Speaker 1: by that point, she was you know, she died when

135
00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,720
Speaker 1: she was and you know, by the time I really

136
00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,840
Speaker 1: understood what was going on, I felt like I had

137
00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:07,320
Speaker 1: already missed out on our whole childhood together, you know,

138
00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,560
Speaker 1: kind of with all the uncertainty about what was happening.

139
00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:13,600
Speaker 1: Was it something I was causing? I would have these

140
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,560
Speaker 1: nightmares where I felt like I wasn't doing enough to

141
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:20,240
Speaker 1: help save her, and I began to kind of blame myself.

142
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:22,040
Speaker 1: I think my aid or ten or twelve year old

143
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:29,440
Speaker 1: self really somehow believed that maybe I caused it, or

144
00:08:30,280 --> 00:08:33,920
Speaker 1: there was this sense that maybe I wasn't doing enough

145
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:40,120
Speaker 1: too to help her. That's the thing about silence. Where

146
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:43,680
Speaker 1: there are secrets, there is inevitably silence, and without even

147
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,360
Speaker 1: knowing we're doing it, we fill that silence with our

148
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:49,800
Speaker 1: own stories, our own narratives, to try to make sense

149
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:53,480
Speaker 1: of what isn't being said. In Trench's case, the stories

150
00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:56,840
Speaker 1: he spun in his head made him feel guilty and helpless.

151
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:02,240
Speaker 1: Lutherans aren't big talkers, was what my dad always said,

152
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,920
Speaker 1: and we weren't. And I think the unfortunate thing was

153
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:11,240
Speaker 1: that children have to fill that silence with their own imagination.

154
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:15,720
Speaker 1: And if it's not a loving environment or a warm environment,

155
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:20,360
Speaker 1: you fill that silence with negative things, and you start

156
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:24,040
Speaker 1: to blame yourself and wonder is this silence sort of

157
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:26,880
Speaker 1: an indication that they're upset or is it just how

158
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:32,040
Speaker 1: just how it is. That's exactly right, it's it's turned inward, yes,

159
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,520
Speaker 1: because it's this kind of shapeless thing. It has nowhere

160
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:39,760
Speaker 1: else to go but boomerang back at the child. Yeah. Absolutely.

161
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:46,000
Speaker 1: I think the first time my parents ever normalized secrecy

162
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:50,080
Speaker 1: was with Santa Claus. I mean it was like the

163
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,760
Speaker 1: first time your parents lie to you is when they

164
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:55,679
Speaker 1: say Santa Claus is real and he's gonna slide down

165
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:59,600
Speaker 1: this chimney and give you presents. And I remember, you know,

166
00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,000
Speaker 1: I think was eight or something, and I discovered a

167
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:04,320
Speaker 1: bunch of wrapped presents in the floor and my parents

168
00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:09,440
Speaker 1: shoe closet, and I was shocked. Wow, this whole thing

169
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:12,160
Speaker 1: was a myth, and they've been keeping this secret for

170
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,720
Speaker 1: me this whole time. Wait, sand is not real. And

171
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,120
Speaker 1: so then when I became a teenager, like I got

172
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:20,920
Speaker 1: my first copy of Playboy magazine or something, what did

173
00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:23,200
Speaker 1: I do? I put it in the closet, in the

174
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:25,520
Speaker 1: shoe closet, on the floor, because that's where you that's

175
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,000
Speaker 1: where you put your secrets. Did your parents discover it?

176
00:10:28,440 --> 00:10:30,800
Speaker 1: They did. When I was in high school, I had

177
00:10:30,840 --> 00:10:34,840
Speaker 1: like one single VHS tape of porn and one Playboy

178
00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,960
Speaker 1: magazine and like a glass bottle of vodka and it

179
00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,200
Speaker 1: was like my secret vice corner. And I hid that

180
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,440
Speaker 1: all on the shoe closet and I put like a

181
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:46,439
Speaker 1: box of fish aquarium supplies on top of it or something.

182
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:49,680
Speaker 1: But my mom found it one day and was furious

183
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:52,440
Speaker 1: and what is all this? And she threw it all away.

184
00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:57,200
Speaker 1: But that Playboy magazine isn't the real secret, which is

185
00:10:57,240 --> 00:11:01,000
Speaker 1: the Trent is gay. He hides it from every especially

186
00:11:01,160 --> 00:11:04,480
Speaker 1: his parents, even after he goes east to college, far

187
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:08,120
Speaker 1: far away from South Dakota. At first, he tells very

188
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:13,560
Speaker 1: few friends. I kept up appearances for so long. My

189
00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:17,200
Speaker 1: parents belonged to a very strict sect of Lutheranism, where

190
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:21,520
Speaker 1: um it was fundamentalists, and the judgmental ideals of the

191
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,920
Speaker 1: Scripture to them were rock solid. And we were told,

192
00:11:25,240 --> 00:11:29,040
Speaker 1: point blank, you know, in certain terms, that homosexuals were

193
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:32,160
Speaker 1: condemned to hell forever, and that if you were gay,

194
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:35,760
Speaker 1: you were an enemy of God. And so my whole childhood,

195
00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:40,040
Speaker 1: I had been told this, even while I inside knew

196
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,800
Speaker 1: I was gay, and I had started experimenting sexually with

197
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:45,640
Speaker 1: boys when I was a teenager. But I always had

198
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:49,360
Speaker 1: a girlfriend, and I always brought girlfriends to family events,

199
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,360
Speaker 1: even if I never kissed the girl, just but like,

200
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:55,640
Speaker 1: if there was a girl beside me, I would feel

201
00:11:55,679 --> 00:11:59,559
Speaker 1: like I was fulfilling some sort of cultural milestone and

202
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,480
Speaker 1: a scent that I wouldn't be judged. And you know,

203
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:07,240
Speaker 1: queer people don't grow up as ourselves, you know, we

204
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:10,800
Speaker 1: grow up playing a version of ourselves. And when we

205
00:12:10,880 --> 00:12:13,840
Speaker 1: do these mental somersaults to try to justify who we

206
00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:17,400
Speaker 1: are and present one thing to the world and another

207
00:12:17,440 --> 00:12:20,920
Speaker 1: thing that we keep inside, and all of that erodes

208
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:25,840
Speaker 1: our authenticity and our sense of self. And it totally

209
00:12:26,920 --> 00:12:31,240
Speaker 1: has one purpose, which is to minimize our own humiliation

210
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,760
Speaker 1: and our own shame. You know, I knew that if

211
00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:36,240
Speaker 1: I came out, my parents would not be okay with it,

212
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,760
Speaker 1: and I knew it would cause a rupture. And it's

213
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:45,080
Speaker 1: not until Lucy dies and you go home for the

214
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:51,360
Speaker 1: funeral and you bring a boyfriend of yours. Yes, of course,

215
00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:54,920
Speaker 1: I was very distraught and I wanted to bring someone

216
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,520
Speaker 1: for support, so I brought him with. You know, in retrospect,

217
00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:01,280
Speaker 1: I think, gosh, a straight person probably would never have

218
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:04,320
Speaker 1: to think twice about bringing a significant other to a

219
00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:07,160
Speaker 1: family event. It's just kind of what you would do.

220
00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,080
Speaker 1: You wouldn't have to ask, I guess, permission maybe, But

221
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,559
Speaker 1: I just showed up. And it was a devastating experience,

222
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:18,400
Speaker 1: just because my sister had died, full stop. But then

223
00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:23,360
Speaker 1: I added in this layer of complexity. I didn't consciously

224
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,240
Speaker 1: think that this would be the moment that I revealed

225
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:27,800
Speaker 1: my big secret. It just felt like I was so

226
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:32,600
Speaker 1: desperate for some kind of affection in some sense of

227
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:35,880
Speaker 1: security and love beside me that I didn't really feel

228
00:13:35,880 --> 00:13:39,960
Speaker 1: like I had any other choice. You asked for your boyfriends,

229
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:42,040
Speaker 1: as far as your parents were concerned, your friend to

230
00:13:42,120 --> 00:13:45,440
Speaker 1: sit with you during the service, and you were told

231
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,440
Speaker 1: that's just for family, and he was relegated to the

232
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,680
Speaker 1: back row. Yes, you know, I'm there in the front

233
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,439
Speaker 1: row with family, and they wield my sister's casket down

234
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:58,440
Speaker 1: the aisle and I look in the back and my

235
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:03,000
Speaker 1: boyfriend's like twenty pews behind us, sitting there staring at me,

236
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:08,600
Speaker 1: and just breaks my heart, my grown up self, just ah.

237
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,040
Speaker 1: It was such a sad and devastating moment that there

238
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:17,720
Speaker 1: was a physical representation of what our place was in

239
00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:20,960
Speaker 1: the world and in society, and in particular in my

240
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:24,680
Speaker 1: family's structure, and in the church. We were inside, the

241
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:29,040
Speaker 1: very church that I knew condemned people like us. And

242
00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,880
Speaker 1: so when you then are moved to come out to

243
00:14:31,920 --> 00:14:36,360
Speaker 1: your parents, what does your father say? He said, we

244
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:41,080
Speaker 1: ain't never going to talk about that again. And it

245
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:45,360
Speaker 1: was like taking a big gulp, and he was not kidding.

246
00:14:45,720 --> 00:14:50,120
Speaker 1: I mean, we never spoke about it again until I

247
00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:53,280
Speaker 1: saw him about a week before he died. So he

248
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:57,320
Speaker 1: doesn't blink, doesn't you know, doesn't seem to be register.

249
00:14:57,520 --> 00:15:00,600
Speaker 1: He just is kind of blank and still, and he says,

250
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,360
Speaker 1: let's not talk about that again. And you go back

251
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,760
Speaker 1: east and back to graduate's clown, back to your life,

252
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,760
Speaker 1: and you receive a letter. Yes, I got a letter

253
00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:15,560
Speaker 1: from the Church of the Lutheran Confession, and it was

254
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,080
Speaker 1: essentially an excommunication letter describing that my name had been

255
00:15:19,080 --> 00:15:22,480
Speaker 1: removed from the roster of membership at the church. And

256
00:15:22,520 --> 00:15:25,840
Speaker 1: there was no in classic Lutheran passive aggressive style, there

257
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:32,440
Speaker 1: was again no specific mention of why, but I knew why.

258
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,400
Speaker 1: There could only be one reason why, you know. It

259
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:37,600
Speaker 1: just said you're no longer remember, and if you'd like

260
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:41,640
Speaker 1: to have individual Bible study to read scripture again. They

261
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,880
Speaker 1: gave me the number of some minister in Buffalo, New

262
00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,720
Speaker 1: York who I could go see, which I thought, you know,

263
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:50,080
Speaker 1: their goal probably would be for me to come around

264
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:54,040
Speaker 1: to being straight or something. But again it's the silence

265
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:58,880
Speaker 1: of like even being excommunicated was not clearly articulated to me,

266
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,200
Speaker 1: Like it's not a secret to me. I know precisely

267
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:04,640
Speaker 1: why this is happening, but people were just afraid to

268
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:08,800
Speaker 1: say things that occurs to me too, that that means

269
00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:13,760
Speaker 1: that your father must have told someone the church. He

270
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:17,960
Speaker 1: did somehow speak of it, But then your understanding afterwards

271
00:16:18,640 --> 00:16:21,480
Speaker 1: was that he and your mother never spoke of it together.

272
00:16:22,160 --> 00:16:25,080
Speaker 1: They didn't, and that was equally as devastating, because I'm thinking,

273
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:28,560
Speaker 1: how could you not have talked about me, your only son,

274
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,840
Speaker 1: and how to fall unfolded? But they didn't. I asked

275
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:35,080
Speaker 1: Mom later in life, did you guys ever bring this up?

276
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:38,160
Speaker 1: And she just kind of sat there silent, like there

277
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,760
Speaker 1: was nothing to say. Day people were just I don't know,

278
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:45,640
Speaker 1: something to be swept under the rug. And I knew

279
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:47,880
Speaker 1: in my heart of hearts that that's how it would go.

280
00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:51,600
Speaker 1: I thought, if I come out and when I come out,

281
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,280
Speaker 1: it's going to go down in such a way where

282
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:57,360
Speaker 1: I am the black sheep of the family, or where

283
00:16:57,440 --> 00:16:59,920
Speaker 1: we're just gonna put this pot on the back burn

284
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:03,120
Speaker 1: and let it simmer for thirty years and never really

285
00:17:03,640 --> 00:17:06,400
Speaker 1: check inside to make sure that the water is still there.

286
00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:36,080
Speaker 1: We'll be right back. Trent earns a doctorate and a master's.

287
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:38,960
Speaker 1: He works his way up in the wine world and

288
00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:42,240
Speaker 1: ends up the CEO of an esteemed vineyard. He's living

289
00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:45,640
Speaker 1: a successful life, but he never goes home again. After

290
00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:51,359
Speaker 1: Lucinda's funeral and his excommunication, he's completely estranged from his father,

291
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:55,400
Speaker 1: so he and his mother still talk. Then one day

292
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,240
Speaker 1: his phone rings and it's his mother asking him to

293
00:17:59,240 --> 00:18:02,040
Speaker 1: come home for Saying Giving for the first time in

294
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:09,639
Speaker 1: fourteen years. Mom again acting as the great intermediary between

295
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:12,000
Speaker 1: me and my father. She and I did speak through

296
00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:14,879
Speaker 1: those fourteen years. Often she would talk when she was

297
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:18,119
Speaker 1: at work on her landline at the University of South Dakota,

298
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,960
Speaker 1: so that she wouldn't have to talk I think at

299
00:18:21,000 --> 00:18:24,879
Speaker 1: home when Dad was around, and we would have a

300
00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,720
Speaker 1: relatively normal conversation once in a while. But I had

301
00:18:28,840 --> 00:18:33,840
Speaker 1: almost no interaction with my father whatsoever for those fourteen years.

302
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:37,280
Speaker 1: Maybe once or twice if we spoke, it was, you know,

303
00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:40,919
Speaker 1: five words were spoken, like hello, how are you, and

304
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:44,640
Speaker 1: Merry Christmas, and then he'd hand the phone back to Mom,

305
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:48,240
Speaker 1: very cold. You describe it in your book as a

306
00:18:48,400 --> 00:18:53,320
Speaker 1: silent battle of the wills. Yes, it was. And I

307
00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,720
Speaker 1: don't know if he thought of it that way. I'll

308
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:59,879
Speaker 1: never know, but I certainly did. Um I was angry

309
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:02,679
Speaker 1: and how I had been treated. I was angry that

310
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,800
Speaker 1: they couldn't bring themselves to talk about what it meant

311
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,360
Speaker 1: that they had a gay son. I think more than that,

312
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,359
Speaker 1: I was angry that they never said I love you,

313
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,919
Speaker 1: and I wanted so badly for them to say it

314
00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:20,359
Speaker 1: first that it became like this grainy undercurrent of my

315
00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:23,879
Speaker 1: life where if I say I love you first, it

316
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,720
Speaker 1: would lose value, or if I asked them to say it,

317
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,240
Speaker 1: it would lose value. I kind of wanted them to

318
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,000
Speaker 1: think of the idea on their own and say it.

319
00:19:31,119 --> 00:19:34,520
Speaker 1: But those fourteen years were the Cold War. Then Mom

320
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:38,840
Speaker 1: called in two thousand fourteen, and and Mom and Dad

321
00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,800
Speaker 1: were kind of on the phone together, and they invited

322
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:46,520
Speaker 1: me home for Thanksgiving. And I thought about it, and

323
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:48,960
Speaker 1: I went. And I had just got a new puppy

324
00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,320
Speaker 1: in a new car, and I hadn't been to South

325
00:19:51,359 --> 00:19:54,359
Speaker 1: Dakota in a very long time, and I thought, you know,

326
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,320
Speaker 1: maybe I'll just road trip out there. And I needed

327
00:19:57,320 --> 00:20:01,240
Speaker 1: a break anyway. It was the holidays, and so I

328
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:04,359
Speaker 1: got in the car and I drove west. What made

329
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:08,679
Speaker 1: you do you think at that moment and the silent

330
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:13,480
Speaker 1: battle of wills? Why then I knew from years prior

331
00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:17,120
Speaker 1: that my dad had calling cancer, but I hadn't heard

332
00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,600
Speaker 1: much about it, and I thought he had gotten better.

333
00:20:20,040 --> 00:20:22,560
Speaker 1: But the sound of his voice on that phone call

334
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:27,119
Speaker 1: was terrifying. It was like this gruff cowboy of a

335
00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:30,480
Speaker 1: man that I had always known had been reduced and

336
00:20:31,240 --> 00:20:35,120
Speaker 1: his voice was like feeble and hacking, and he was coughing.

337
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:38,280
Speaker 1: It's sent sort of shock waves of terror for me

338
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:41,920
Speaker 1: that this the strong man that I had hated for

339
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:44,679
Speaker 1: so many years was in a weakened state. And I

340
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,399
Speaker 1: think that was a big part of my motivation for

341
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,080
Speaker 1: going back. So by the time you get this call

342
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,520
Speaker 1: from both of your parents on the line saying would

343
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,080
Speaker 1: you come home for Thanksgiving, you've moved out of New

344
00:20:56,160 --> 00:21:01,600
Speaker 1: York City. You've got this great line somewhere out being

345
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:04,560
Speaker 1: like two country for the city and not city, and

346
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:09,200
Speaker 1: what Yeah, I always felt like I was too gay

347
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,840
Speaker 1: for the country, but two country for New York City.

348
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,880
Speaker 1: So just this feeling of, you know, sort of being

349
00:21:16,080 --> 00:21:19,920
Speaker 1: a fish out of water wherever you were, Yes, yeah, absolutely,

350
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:24,320
Speaker 1: But then you do sort of land this really fabulous

351
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:28,280
Speaker 1: job as CEO of this vineyard, this winery, and you

352
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:32,080
Speaker 1: moved to the water on the North Fork of Long Island,

353
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:36,879
Speaker 1: which is very beautiful and kind of somewhat wild and

354
00:21:37,160 --> 00:21:39,880
Speaker 1: desolate place. Even though it's you know, a stone's throw

355
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:45,200
Speaker 1: from the Hampton's, it's a very different world. Yeah, it

356
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,920
Speaker 1: was so reassuring to leave the city, and even though

357
00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,960
Speaker 1: it's still Long Island, it does feel the world away

358
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:54,240
Speaker 1: from New York and you can see the horizon. Living

359
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:57,000
Speaker 1: on the ocean was such a reassuring thing for me

360
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,879
Speaker 1: because I realized that being among all the tall building

361
00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,679
Speaker 1: I kind of would have this claustrophobic feeling like where's

362
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,520
Speaker 1: the horizon? Because in South Dakota, on the ranch, you know,

363
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:12,280
Speaker 1: you're always confronted with this flat, uninterrupted, horizontal plane in

364
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,840
Speaker 1: front of you. And somehow that's comforting for me, I think,

365
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:19,560
Speaker 1: because it means I can escape and I know, like

366
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:23,640
Speaker 1: where all the exits are in the city. I don't

367
00:22:23,640 --> 00:22:27,119
Speaker 1: know where the exits are. And that's where you're living

368
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,720
Speaker 1: at the time that you get the call. And you

369
00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:33,239
Speaker 1: have a dog who you adore, named Caper. And one

370
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,600
Speaker 1: of the things that you write in a book is

371
00:22:34,960 --> 00:22:37,040
Speaker 1: every dog of your childhood, and you you mentioned the

372
00:22:37,119 --> 00:22:39,720
Speaker 1: violence on the ranch and what that life was like,

373
00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,880
Speaker 1: that every dog was named Walter, and so like one

374
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,800
Speaker 1: Walter would get run over by a tractor, and then

375
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,320
Speaker 1: another Walter would appear, and I found that so evocative.

376
00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:50,520
Speaker 1: But so you have your own dog, and that dog

377
00:22:50,640 --> 00:22:54,679
Speaker 1: is not named Walter, right, I was determined he's going

378
00:22:54,720 --> 00:22:57,440
Speaker 1: to have a unique name. But yeah, that was the

379
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,240
Speaker 1: sort of brutality of ranch life. Also, like, oh, well

380
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,840
Speaker 1: that dog got run over by the tractor. Here's another one.

381
00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:07,160
Speaker 1: He's also named Walter. Just brutal. So I never really

382
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:10,159
Speaker 1: formed an attachment to any of our dogs growing up.

383
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,200
Speaker 1: I don't remember even how many we had. Um, they

384
00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:17,080
Speaker 1: were just all one sort of generic Walter. So you

385
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:21,520
Speaker 1: pack paper in your car and you drive west. Yes,

386
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,879
Speaker 1: I drove back and got there and they had Thanksgiving

387
00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:29,440
Speaker 1: dinner ready, and my dad had asked me to bring

388
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:31,520
Speaker 1: a bottle of my fancy wine with me. So I

389
00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:35,000
Speaker 1: had this Merlot which was served at President Obama's inauguration.

390
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,679
Speaker 1: And I was so proud of this wine and I

391
00:23:38,040 --> 00:23:41,159
Speaker 1: uncorked it and portous glasses, and you know, I was

392
00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:45,000
Speaker 1: just searching Dad's space for any sort of acknowledgement or

393
00:23:45,040 --> 00:23:48,480
Speaker 1: recognition that he liked it, or that I did a

394
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,880
Speaker 1: good job making it or anything. Um, But his first

395
00:23:51,920 --> 00:23:55,920
Speaker 1: response was that he said, I ain't drinking no Obama wine, um,

396
00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:59,360
Speaker 1: because he's a he was a staunch Republican, and there's

397
00:24:00,160 --> 00:24:02,160
Speaker 1: a lot of red state, blue state kind of things

398
00:24:02,320 --> 00:24:05,320
Speaker 1: in our dynamic as well. And but he did take

399
00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:08,720
Speaker 1: a sip and he said it was pretty dang good,

400
00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:13,320
Speaker 1: which was high praise from him. So I got there

401
00:24:13,359 --> 00:24:18,920
Speaker 1: and we had this quiet, awkward Thanksgiving meal and Mom

402
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:22,159
Speaker 1: seemed exhausted. She had bags under her eyes, and she

403
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:24,000
Speaker 1: didn't even have time to make a turkey. She was

404
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:30,479
Speaker 1: kind of a throne together Thanksgiving meal, and Dad looked terrible,

405
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:33,680
Speaker 1: like his clothes were hanging off of his bony shoulders,

406
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,639
Speaker 1: and the whole thing was so shocking to me. His

407
00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,720
Speaker 1: voice had changed, his whole body had changed, and it

408
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,800
Speaker 1: sort of this wave of recognition came over me during

409
00:24:43,840 --> 00:24:48,080
Speaker 1: Thanksgiving dinner that this was yet another secret. His cancer

410
00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:52,520
Speaker 1: was yet another family secret that I didn't know how

411
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:56,080
Speaker 1: bad it was until I got there, you know, fourteen

412
00:24:56,119 --> 00:24:59,320
Speaker 1: years later and saw it. And years later I would

413
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:02,119
Speaker 1: ask my mom, why didn't you really level with me

414
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,640
Speaker 1: about how bad his cancer had gotten? And it was, oh, well,

415
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:12,160
Speaker 1: we didn't want you to worry. But just another example

416
00:25:12,280 --> 00:25:16,160
Speaker 1: of withholding and silence, where in this case, I actually

417
00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,440
Speaker 1: hadn't filled the void with anything negative because I've moved

418
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,440
Speaker 1: on with my life and I was had this great

419
00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,399
Speaker 1: job in New York and I wasn't filling the void

420
00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,080
Speaker 1: with Oh God, what if they're quiet because dad's slowly

421
00:25:27,160 --> 00:25:30,240
Speaker 1: dying of cancer, But turns out that's what was happening.

422
00:25:31,160 --> 00:25:35,440
Speaker 1: I love that expression, filling the void. If silence, shame,

423
00:25:35,480 --> 00:25:39,640
Speaker 1: and secrecy create a void, so often we reflexively feel

424
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,440
Speaker 1: the need to fill it with whatever our own self

425
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:48,280
Speaker 1: loathing or addiction or guilt. But the distance Trent has

426
00:25:48,359 --> 00:25:51,439
Speaker 1: created between himself and his dad has allowed him the

427
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:54,760
Speaker 1: deep knowledge that none of this is his doing or

428
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:58,800
Speaker 1: his fault. He's a grown up, not a child. He's

429
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:02,480
Speaker 1: built his own war. I think in some ways being

430
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:04,879
Speaker 1: gay saved my life because I had to get away.

431
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:06,879
Speaker 1: I had to get away from him and the church

432
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:10,560
Speaker 1: in South Dakota. I fled to New York, and by

433
00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:13,760
Speaker 1: cutting the apron springs, I did feel like I could

434
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:17,840
Speaker 1: be my own man and grow up. And in some ways,

435
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:20,119
Speaker 1: like the pendulum swung in the other direction where I

436
00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:23,520
Speaker 1: didn't want to be like my dad at all, so

437
00:26:24,119 --> 00:26:27,240
Speaker 1: I demonstrably will tell my friends if I loved them,

438
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,800
Speaker 1: because I don't want the people around me to wonder

439
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:33,640
Speaker 1: how I feel. So sometimes people are like, oh, wow,

440
00:26:33,680 --> 00:26:36,120
Speaker 1: you're really effusive, Like you say how you feel about

441
00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:37,520
Speaker 1: me even though we just met. If I'm on a

442
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: date or with friends, and I say, yes, I don't

443
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,919
Speaker 1: want there to be a mystery. If I feel a

444
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:49,960
Speaker 1: certain way, I'll tell you. During that Thanksgiving dinner and

445
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:53,320
Speaker 1: you're realizing that you're data lot sicker than you had known.

446
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:57,320
Speaker 1: For the first time in thirty seven years of your life,

447
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 1: he acknowledges that you're gay. Yes, it was like the

448
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:07,000
Speaker 1: earth shook. He said, whatever happened to that boyfriend of yours?

449
00:27:07,760 --> 00:27:10,560
Speaker 1: And I mean, if I could have dropped my fork

450
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 1: on the plate for dramatic emphasis, I would have, because

451
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,639
Speaker 1: you know, I'm looking around the room, like did he

452
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:19,520
Speaker 1: just asked me about my boyfriend? And you know it

453
00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:21,919
Speaker 1: said many things to me. But I had had a

454
00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:25,000
Speaker 1: relationship years before, and I had been married before gay

455
00:27:25,000 --> 00:27:28,639
Speaker 1: marriage was even legal, And clearly Mom had shared all

456
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:31,000
Speaker 1: that information with him because I had told Mom a

457
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:33,400
Speaker 1: lot of things about my life, and I didn't think

458
00:27:33,440 --> 00:27:37,479
Speaker 1: she was telling him. Clearly, she was. I expected that

459
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:41,560
Speaker 1: to be a secret because that's how I'd been conditioned,

460
00:27:41,640 --> 00:27:43,919
Speaker 1: But then that was one time when she chose not

461
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: to keep the secrets, I guess. So yeah, he asked

462
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:50,760
Speaker 1: me about him, and I kind of said something a

463
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:53,119
Speaker 1: little bitter, like, why would you want to know? I

464
00:27:53,119 --> 00:27:56,600
Speaker 1: didn't think you cared about my relationships even when I

465
00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,720
Speaker 1: faked it and had girlfriends in high school and college.

466
00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:03,560
Speaker 1: He never invesked about the girlfriends either, So it wasn't

467
00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:08,360
Speaker 1: like he was withholding that because of my sexuality necessarily,

468
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:12,080
Speaker 1: but it was definitely a recognition of me being gay,

469
00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:18,439
Speaker 1: and I was shocked and touched. We'll be back in

470
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:41,360
Speaker 1: a moment with more family secrets. A week later, Trent's

471
00:28:41,440 --> 00:28:45,160
Speaker 1: father takes a turn for the worse. Perhaps that acknowledgement

472
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:48,240
Speaker 1: at the Thanksgiving table was a form of reaching out,

473
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:53,240
Speaker 1: whether consciously or unconsciously, to mend a bridge while mending

474
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:57,600
Speaker 1: might still be possible. He died about a week later.

475
00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:01,479
Speaker 1: You know, In fact, the more ning after Thanksgiving, on

476
00:29:01,520 --> 00:29:03,719
Speaker 1: Black Friday, I woke up in the house and I

477
00:29:03,760 --> 00:29:06,640
Speaker 1: was all alone. Mom and Dad weren't there, and but

478
00:29:06,760 --> 00:29:08,400
Speaker 1: the TV was on in the living room and the

479
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,360
Speaker 1: lights were all on, and I didn't I was disoriented

480
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,480
Speaker 1: and I didn't know what was going on. But after

481
00:29:13,600 --> 00:29:15,760
Speaker 1: our sort of last supper, he had gotten sick in

482
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:18,880
Speaker 1: the night and had to go to the hospital, and

483
00:29:19,080 --> 00:29:21,880
Speaker 1: Mom had taken him to Sioux Falls to their cancer unit,

484
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 1: and I frantically drove there and we spent about a

485
00:29:27,080 --> 00:29:29,360
Speaker 1: day and a half together, and then it was time

486
00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:30,760
Speaker 1: for me to go back to New York because I

487
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:33,760
Speaker 1: had busy things to do with my job, and we

488
00:29:33,800 --> 00:29:35,720
Speaker 1: had made plans for me to come back and see

489
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:39,160
Speaker 1: them at Christmas. And so my last words to my

490
00:29:39,200 --> 00:29:42,920
Speaker 1: father were I'll see you at Christmas. And his last

491
00:29:42,920 --> 00:29:46,920
Speaker 1: words to me were drive safe, okay. And I came

492
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:53,840
Speaker 1: back to New York and and he died. And then you,

493
00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:59,720
Speaker 1: having just made a round trip to South Dakota, some

494
00:30:00,040 --> 00:30:03,000
Speaker 1: thing tells you that you need to drive back there,

495
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,400
Speaker 1: that you're you're not going to fly. You describe it

496
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:11,560
Speaker 1: as operating on gut instinct, and that that had always

497
00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:15,320
Speaker 1: served you well, something I really understand. And so you

498
00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:20,520
Speaker 1: get back in the car with Caper and you drive back. Yes,

499
00:30:21,720 --> 00:30:23,400
Speaker 1: there was something he had said to me on the

500
00:30:23,480 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 1: hospital bed right before I left the first time and

501
00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,320
Speaker 1: he said that there were some things in the garage

502
00:30:28,440 --> 00:30:30,880
Speaker 1: that he wanted me to take. And when I had

503
00:30:30,880 --> 00:30:32,880
Speaker 1: gone home for Thanksgiving, I had seen that the garage

504
00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:35,040
Speaker 1: was kind of in disarray and there were boxes everywhere,

505
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:36,920
Speaker 1: and it looked like he was kind of cleaning it out.

506
00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:39,760
Speaker 1: But I hadn't really put two and two together yet

507
00:30:40,040 --> 00:30:43,680
Speaker 1: that he was trying to give me something, something that

508
00:30:43,760 --> 00:30:47,320
Speaker 1: was important to him. But then after he died and

509
00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,760
Speaker 1: I had a split moment to even think about the

510
00:30:50,800 --> 00:30:53,680
Speaker 1: possibility of going back to South Dakota, I thought, I

511
00:30:53,800 --> 00:30:56,440
Speaker 1: have to drive because whatever it was he was trying

512
00:30:56,440 --> 00:30:59,120
Speaker 1: to give me, it's probably something that I'm not going

513
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,760
Speaker 1: to show of in a bag to carry on an airplane.

514
00:31:02,240 --> 00:31:04,600
Speaker 1: So there I was my second cross country road trip

515
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:08,719
Speaker 1: in a matter of two weeks with my dog in

516
00:31:08,760 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 1: the winter. Ah gosh, you know, it's been six years

517
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:16,120
Speaker 1: and I still reflecting on this. I still just shake

518
00:31:16,200 --> 00:31:22,640
Speaker 1: my head. There's something about family secrets and boxes. Boxes

519
00:31:22,680 --> 00:31:26,080
Speaker 1: revealing secrets have been a motif on this podcast since

520
00:31:26,120 --> 00:31:31,360
Speaker 1: the first season. Trends story contains not one, but two boxes.

521
00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:36,840
Speaker 1: The day after his funeral, Mom and I were kind

522
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:39,480
Speaker 1: of sitting through some things in the basement, but the

523
00:31:39,520 --> 00:31:42,160
Speaker 1: main priority for us that day we had to apply

524
00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:48,239
Speaker 1: for the federal government's Agent Orange survivor benefit. It was

525
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:52,000
Speaker 1: also revealed to me at that stage by my mother

526
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:55,640
Speaker 1: that the doctors thought that he had died from multiple

527
00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:58,720
Speaker 1: forms of cancer that were likely caused by agent orange

528
00:31:58,800 --> 00:32:02,080
Speaker 1: exposure in via numb And I had known that he

529
00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:06,280
Speaker 1: had a service history in Vietnam that wasn't you know,

530
00:32:06,360 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 1: a secret. But the funeral was this full military burial

531
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:14,720
Speaker 1: with like the twenty one gun salute and officers folding

532
00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,080
Speaker 1: the flag and presenting it to us, And I was

533
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:19,960
Speaker 1: baffled by the whole thing that I looked over at

534
00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:23,120
Speaker 1: Mom during the ceremony and said, what is all this for?

535
00:32:24,240 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 1: And she kind of shrugged her shoulders. She wasn't sure either.

536
00:32:28,440 --> 00:32:29,719
Speaker 1: She knew that there was going to be like a

537
00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:32,960
Speaker 1: local military sort of representation there, but it was all

538
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:37,040
Speaker 1: more pageantry than either of us expected. So there we

539
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:39,520
Speaker 1: were in the basement, she said she needed his discharged

540
00:32:39,560 --> 00:32:42,600
Speaker 1: papers from the army to put his number on this

541
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:45,760
Speaker 1: Agent orange paperwork. So there was a shoe box that

542
00:32:45,880 --> 00:32:48,360
Speaker 1: was wrapped and taped and duct taped that we brought

543
00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:52,040
Speaker 1: up from the basement, and I slid a nice to

544
00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:54,760
Speaker 1: the tape and opened it, and we did find the

545
00:32:54,760 --> 00:32:58,560
Speaker 1: paperwork discharged papers, so we could finish the Agent Orange application.

546
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:01,520
Speaker 1: But I took out all the other contents of this

547
00:33:01,600 --> 00:33:07,600
Speaker 1: box and slowly we began to sort of reveal the

548
00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:12,160
Speaker 1: layers of the mystery of my father's history. On the

549
00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,680
Speaker 1: top in this black box we found a bronze star,

550
00:33:14,800 --> 00:33:19,280
Speaker 1: metal and commendation papers from the President and the Secretary

551
00:33:19,280 --> 00:33:23,160
Speaker 1: of the Army, and a notation of his heroic acts

552
00:33:23,160 --> 00:33:26,480
Speaker 1: on the field of battle. And I thought, Wow, dad

553
00:33:26,480 --> 00:33:28,640
Speaker 1: had a bronze star. Mom, this is so great. Why

554
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:31,480
Speaker 1: didn't you ever tell me about this? And she said,

555
00:33:31,480 --> 00:33:35,640
Speaker 1: I never knew. I said, you were married to him

556
00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:37,840
Speaker 1: for forty some years, that you didn't know he had

557
00:33:37,880 --> 00:33:39,880
Speaker 1: a He won a bronze star. While one is a

558
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:42,800
Speaker 1: terrible work to use in this case, but he had

559
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:45,520
Speaker 1: earned a Bronzetar. She said she had no idea. So

560
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:48,480
Speaker 1: I'm sort of reeling from the double secrecy of that

561
00:33:48,480 --> 00:33:51,080
Speaker 1: the dad had kept this a secret from both of

562
00:33:51,200 --> 00:33:55,320
Speaker 1: us forever, and I think there was some shame there, obviously.

563
00:33:55,960 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 1: What one has to do in War two earn a

564
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:07,080
Speaker 1: bronze Star, and we also found security clearance papers for Cambodia,

565
00:34:07,240 --> 00:34:11,960
Speaker 1: and we found Cambodian currency, and we found this just

566
00:34:12,120 --> 00:34:15,920
Speaker 1: one simple sheet of paper from the CIA that just said,

567
00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:19,520
Speaker 1: like I, Leon K. Pressler, once I leave service, will

568
00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:24,399
Speaker 1: not divulge any of the secret information that I've been

569
00:34:24,719 --> 00:34:29,040
Speaker 1: exposed to or any secret aspects of my duty to

570
00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:32,480
Speaker 1: the federal government. And he checked the box and signed

571
00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,960
Speaker 1: it at the bottom, and I said it all out

572
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:38,640
Speaker 1: on the table and I said, Mom, you promised me

573
00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:42,040
Speaker 1: you knew nothing about any of this. And she said no,

574
00:34:42,880 --> 00:34:46,680
Speaker 1: and she kind of, I think, was a little defensive,

575
00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:49,520
Speaker 1: and maybe I felt like I was judging her for

576
00:34:49,640 --> 00:34:52,719
Speaker 1: not knowing, and so she snipped back at me that

577
00:34:52,800 --> 00:34:56,080
Speaker 1: maybe you were both good at keeping secrets. It's one

578
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:59,480
Speaker 1: of my mom's most cutting lines that she's ever said me.

579
00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:04,360
Speaker 1: And I'll never really know what happened. I wrote a

580
00:35:04,400 --> 00:35:07,560
Speaker 1: letter to the Smithsonian, to the Archives to request more

581
00:35:07,560 --> 00:35:11,799
Speaker 1: information about his service. There's nothing available, so that may

582
00:35:11,840 --> 00:35:16,440
Speaker 1: remain a mystery. Yes, Indeed, the mom after the Vietnam

583
00:35:16,880 --> 00:35:19,879
Speaker 1: revelations at the dining table, and my head is still

584
00:35:19,960 --> 00:35:22,719
Speaker 1: really She takes me by the hand and we go

585
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,160
Speaker 1: into the garage in this dusty corner with cobwebs and

586
00:35:26,239 --> 00:35:29,080
Speaker 1: a single light bulb from the ceiling. And she says,

587
00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:32,480
Speaker 1: he also wanted you to have this. And there were

588
00:35:32,520 --> 00:35:35,799
Speaker 1: two things. There was a taxidermy duck and his old

589
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:40,200
Speaker 1: beat up wooden toolbox. And you know, it had like

590
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:43,120
Speaker 1: a broken handle and it look like it had been

591
00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:46,960
Speaker 1: kicked by a few horses. And this was not anything

592
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:49,520
Speaker 1: to write home about. This is not fancy in any way.

593
00:35:49,560 --> 00:35:53,799
Speaker 1: This is an old rancher's box. And I said, well,

594
00:35:53,960 --> 00:35:58,399
Speaker 1: what am I supposed to do with this? And Mom said, well,

595
00:35:58,440 --> 00:36:00,920
Speaker 1: we thought maybe you'd find a project or you know,

596
00:36:00,960 --> 00:36:04,520
Speaker 1: at the very least, just keep it safe. And I said, well,

597
00:36:04,560 --> 00:36:06,879
Speaker 1: this is it, Like this is what he was trying

598
00:36:06,920 --> 00:36:09,399
Speaker 1: to give me in the hospital. And she said, yes,

599
00:36:09,440 --> 00:36:12,959
Speaker 1: that's your inheritance. And that's it. That's what I got.

600
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:19,560
Speaker 1: Tell me about the taxider made duck. Well, the last

601
00:36:19,560 --> 00:36:22,200
Speaker 1: time I ever went hunting with my father um I

602
00:36:22,200 --> 00:36:24,240
Speaker 1: had come home from college. We used to go hunting

603
00:36:24,280 --> 00:36:26,759
Speaker 1: a lot. Um It was one of the only true

604
00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:29,640
Speaker 1: ways where ever felt close to my father when we

605
00:36:29,640 --> 00:36:32,600
Speaker 1: were out hunting and exploring nature together. And we had

606
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:36,960
Speaker 1: gone hunting one day on the Missouri River and or

607
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:40,120
Speaker 1: a foggy morning, and I had shot this wood duck,

608
00:36:40,640 --> 00:36:42,759
Speaker 1: and it was this beautiful drake wood duck with all

609
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:46,239
Speaker 1: the beautiful, colorful plumage, and my father had never seen

610
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:49,719
Speaker 1: one before. South Dakota is not the typical habitat for

611
00:36:49,760 --> 00:36:54,280
Speaker 1: that species. And of the many many animals my father

612
00:36:54,440 --> 00:36:57,960
Speaker 1: had killed over the years hunting or fishing, he never

613
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:00,680
Speaker 1: had anything taxed or meat except for this one duck.

614
00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:06,640
Speaker 1: And it was I think because I had, in that moment,

615
00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:09,200
Speaker 1: told him that somehow the duck reminded me of mucina,

616
00:37:09,440 --> 00:37:13,000
Speaker 1: of my sister, because the duck wasn't dead when I

617
00:37:13,040 --> 00:37:15,920
Speaker 1: shot at it, kind of only named it, and had

618
00:37:15,920 --> 00:37:17,880
Speaker 1: like a broken wing and a broken leg, and it

619
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:22,080
Speaker 1: was floundering, and it was terrible. It was suffering, and

620
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:24,960
Speaker 1: it was up to me to snap its neck and

621
00:37:25,000 --> 00:37:26,920
Speaker 1: to put it out of its misery, but I couldn't

622
00:37:26,960 --> 00:37:30,720
Speaker 1: bring myself to do it. It reminded me of my sister,

623
00:37:31,840 --> 00:37:34,120
Speaker 1: the way her legs would flail out when she was

624
00:37:34,160 --> 00:37:36,680
Speaker 1: having a seizure. It was the same kind of thing

625
00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,719
Speaker 1: seeing this poor little duck, and I had kind of

626
00:37:39,719 --> 00:37:43,279
Speaker 1: started crying, and he had roughly like put his arm

627
00:37:43,320 --> 00:37:46,279
Speaker 1: around me and smushed my face into his canvas hunting coat,

628
00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:52,520
Speaker 1: and then he snapped the duck's neck. So getting that

629
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:57,720
Speaker 1: as my inheritance as well sent all kinds of message.

630
00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:00,239
Speaker 1: It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it. But

631
00:38:00,320 --> 00:38:04,680
Speaker 1: I know he was clinging to it, maybe for a

632
00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:09,200
Speaker 1: similar reason that I remember. And there were the sort

633
00:38:09,239 --> 00:38:11,840
Speaker 1: of lighthearted moments that we shared in the outdoors, and

634
00:38:11,880 --> 00:38:15,080
Speaker 1: there was the pain of losing Lucinda, and there was

635
00:38:15,560 --> 00:38:19,120
Speaker 1: sort of a brief moment of affection from him where

636
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:24,240
Speaker 1: he empathized with my inability to kill something. He remembered

637
00:38:24,280 --> 00:38:32,560
Speaker 1: all that. Yeah, So Trent drives home with Caper, the

638
00:38:32,600 --> 00:38:37,320
Speaker 1: taxidermy duck, and his father's toolbox in tow. He returns

639
00:38:37,360 --> 00:38:39,520
Speaker 1: to his home on the water on the north Fork

640
00:38:39,560 --> 00:38:42,800
Speaker 1: of Long Island. Somewhere along the way on that long

641
00:38:42,880 --> 00:38:46,319
Speaker 1: cross country drive, he comes to the awareness of what

642
00:38:46,400 --> 00:38:50,040
Speaker 1: he's going to do with his father's tools. He's going

643
00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:53,480
Speaker 1: to build a canoe. So he clears out his house

644
00:38:53,760 --> 00:38:57,000
Speaker 1: I mean entirely, because he's going to build this canoe

645
00:38:57,360 --> 00:39:02,600
Speaker 1: in his living room, all of his previous sessions, curtains, furniture, rugs,

646
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:09,320
Speaker 1: suddenly discussed him. All this accumulated stuff from a lifetime

647
00:39:10,640 --> 00:39:15,200
Speaker 1: that no longer really had meaning to me or reminded

648
00:39:15,239 --> 00:39:18,480
Speaker 1: me of sort of a past that I'd hoped to forget,

649
00:39:19,760 --> 00:39:24,000
Speaker 1: and also reminded me, actually, I think most significantly, of

650
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:28,560
Speaker 1: living a life hiding my true self and living a

651
00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:32,160
Speaker 1: life of secrecy. And oh, that's the couch that I

652
00:39:32,239 --> 00:39:34,120
Speaker 1: had when I was in grad school, when I was

653
00:39:34,160 --> 00:39:36,920
Speaker 1: still half in the closet, or you know, that's the

654
00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:40,960
Speaker 1: shirt I got from an old girlfriend. Or they were

655
00:39:40,960 --> 00:39:44,839
Speaker 1: each like a little memento of some secret that I

656
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:48,040
Speaker 1: didn't want to keep anymore, and I had to get

657
00:39:48,080 --> 00:39:50,520
Speaker 1: rid of it all. I purged everything, I've put it

658
00:39:50,560 --> 00:39:53,239
Speaker 1: into U haul and took it to the dump. So

659
00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:57,000
Speaker 1: then you have a year basically, because you've not only

660
00:39:57,040 --> 00:40:00,000
Speaker 1: have you decided that you're going to build a canoe,

661
00:40:00,719 --> 00:40:03,680
Speaker 1: but you want the canoe to be finished and ready

662
00:40:03,719 --> 00:40:06,520
Speaker 1: to be on the water by the anniversary of of

663
00:40:06,560 --> 00:40:10,400
Speaker 1: your dad's death. Yeah, an unrealistic deadline. I suppose I

664
00:40:10,600 --> 00:40:13,440
Speaker 1: didn't really know what I was doing, and if I

665
00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 1: had known, I might not have even started a project.

666
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:18,760
Speaker 1: I think my blind will was probably a blessing because

667
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:24,480
Speaker 1: I just started in doing it, and without much regard

668
00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:27,440
Speaker 1: for the enormity of the task. You go to a

669
00:40:27,560 --> 00:40:30,359
Speaker 1: lumber yard and at the at the beginning, because you're

670
00:40:30,360 --> 00:40:32,840
Speaker 1: going to buy the wood um to build the canoe.

671
00:40:33,560 --> 00:40:36,040
Speaker 1: And it's a professional place. I mean, people go there

672
00:40:36,680 --> 00:40:40,520
Speaker 1: who are doing construction and building things to buy lumber.

673
00:40:40,760 --> 00:40:42,760
Speaker 1: And you have to put down the name of your business,

674
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:46,600
Speaker 1: and out of your mouth comes Pressler wood shop. And

675
00:40:46,640 --> 00:40:51,000
Speaker 1: then like the nature of your business, and you, who

676
00:40:51,080 --> 00:40:55,160
Speaker 1: have never built like one iota of a boat in

677
00:40:55,200 --> 00:40:58,759
Speaker 1: your life, right down boat building. I mean, it's just

678
00:40:58,880 --> 00:41:02,440
Speaker 1: such a great fantas aastic lesson in kind of this

679
00:41:02,719 --> 00:41:06,560
Speaker 1: beautiful audacity, because how do these things happen unless there

680
00:41:06,640 --> 00:41:09,279
Speaker 1: is audacity. You have to think of yourself as a

681
00:41:09,280 --> 00:41:11,120
Speaker 1: boat builder before you build a boat, the same way

682
00:41:11,120 --> 00:41:12,480
Speaker 1: I suppose you have to think of yourself as a

683
00:41:12,480 --> 00:41:15,440
Speaker 1: writer before you write a book. That's a great point.

684
00:41:15,520 --> 00:41:17,680
Speaker 1: I hadn't thought of it that way. In some ways,

685
00:41:17,719 --> 00:41:21,400
Speaker 1: it is a manifesting exercise to say, all right, well,

686
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:23,560
Speaker 1: in this moment, I'm not a boat builder. But if

687
00:41:23,560 --> 00:41:26,440
Speaker 1: I say I am, then maybe I can become one.

688
00:41:27,480 --> 00:41:30,200
Speaker 1: And until you call yourself a boat builder, or an author.

689
00:41:30,760 --> 00:41:36,160
Speaker 1: You won't be one, that's for certain. Walking into that

690
00:41:36,239 --> 00:41:39,560
Speaker 1: lumber yard was like Lilly Wonka's chocolate factory in the

691
00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:42,600
Speaker 1: Land of Oz and I started to dream about it,

692
00:41:43,120 --> 00:41:45,319
Speaker 1: and at least for the first couple of months of

693
00:41:45,360 --> 00:41:51,279
Speaker 1: the project, I did feel this sort of unbridled optimism. Wow,

694
00:41:51,360 --> 00:41:53,560
Speaker 1: I'm really doing this. But then I got into the

695
00:41:53,600 --> 00:41:56,799
Speaker 1: meat of building this thing in the living room, and

696
00:41:56,880 --> 00:42:00,960
Speaker 1: it was like this slow descent into kay us. And

697
00:42:01,080 --> 00:42:03,440
Speaker 1: every time I pulled a tool out of Dad's toolbox

698
00:42:03,520 --> 00:42:05,319
Speaker 1: and tried to think about how I'm going to use

699
00:42:05,320 --> 00:42:07,800
Speaker 1: it or apply it to the boat, it would remind

700
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:11,520
Speaker 1: me of stories from my childhood, both good and bad.

701
00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:16,520
Speaker 1: Some horrible memories resurfaced, and some sort of teaching moments

702
00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:20,680
Speaker 1: resurfaced with my father, and you know, living with this

703
00:42:20,800 --> 00:42:25,160
Speaker 1: boat for a year, it slowly began to dawn on

704
00:42:25,239 --> 00:42:28,120
Speaker 1: me that I was living with this thing that was

705
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:32,359
Speaker 1: the manifestation of my grief. But I hadn't thought about

706
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:35,200
Speaker 1: it that way at all until I was well into

707
00:42:35,200 --> 00:42:39,080
Speaker 1: the process. And then I thought, oh my god, this

708
00:42:39,160 --> 00:42:41,880
Speaker 1: is like a sea monster here and it is taking

709
00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:46,040
Speaker 1: over my life. And I was processing, you know, thirty

710
00:42:46,080 --> 00:42:51,080
Speaker 1: seven years of angst and silence and grief and secrets

711
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:55,680
Speaker 1: like just banging these out, and the advice from the

712
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:59,359
Speaker 1: lumberyard gentleman, you know, don't find the grain follow. It

713
00:42:59,400 --> 00:43:03,480
Speaker 1: was one of many the big lesson, I suppose in

714
00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:07,000
Speaker 1: the end, the big realization for me was that I

715
00:43:07,080 --> 00:43:10,240
Speaker 1: was only going to build this boat little and often.

716
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,800
Speaker 1: I could only do this one day at a time,

717
00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:17,440
Speaker 1: and I had tried and failed. I started it and

718
00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:21,520
Speaker 1: kind of in frustration, and once I like hammered it

719
00:43:21,560 --> 00:43:25,000
Speaker 1: all to fit with your father's hammer, Yes, with my

720
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:29,480
Speaker 1: father's hammer. I mean, I screamed his name and pounded

721
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:32,520
Speaker 1: this feeble attempt at building the boat. In the first

722
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:36,239
Speaker 1: let's say, the first month or so. It didn't work

723
00:43:36,239 --> 00:43:39,520
Speaker 1: out right, Like none of the joints matched. It was ugly,

724
00:43:39,640 --> 00:43:42,719
Speaker 1: it fell apart, like clearly I didn't know what I

725
00:43:42,760 --> 00:43:47,040
Speaker 1: was doing, and I was just enraged, enraged it myself,

726
00:43:47,040 --> 00:43:51,160
Speaker 1: but also at my father. And in a sense it

727
00:43:51,239 --> 00:43:52,919
Speaker 1: was like I felt that he had given me these

728
00:43:52,920 --> 00:43:56,279
Speaker 1: tools to torment me and to taught me that I

729
00:43:56,360 --> 00:43:58,360
Speaker 1: wasn't man enough and I would never live up to

730
00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:01,880
Speaker 1: his ideals unless I could really figure out how to

731
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:07,440
Speaker 1: build something with these tools, and in one manic moment,

732
00:44:07,960 --> 00:44:09,960
Speaker 1: I bashed everything apart, and I ran out to the

733
00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:12,200
Speaker 1: beach and I threw his hammer into the sea and

734
00:44:12,239 --> 00:44:16,000
Speaker 1: I told him to fuck off. And it felt really good.

735
00:44:18,080 --> 00:44:20,280
Speaker 1: It felt so good. It was like a real turning

736
00:44:20,280 --> 00:44:23,399
Speaker 1: point for me in the process that maybe I could

737
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:27,360
Speaker 1: start anew and I could start fresh and take it

738
00:44:27,400 --> 00:44:31,280
Speaker 1: slower the second time around. It seems like it turned

739
00:44:31,280 --> 00:44:35,000
Speaker 1: into almost a meditation at a certain point. It really did.

740
00:44:36,640 --> 00:44:38,960
Speaker 1: As I got into the summer of that year, the

741
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:41,920
Speaker 1: summer and going into the fall, I hit kind of

742
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:45,680
Speaker 1: a rhythm where I had been I think, defeated and

743
00:44:45,840 --> 00:44:48,600
Speaker 1: beaten down by this boat and by the years of

744
00:44:48,600 --> 00:44:51,000
Speaker 1: silence and by the grief and everything else wrapped up

745
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:52,959
Speaker 1: in this boat. You know, it wasn't just a boat.

746
00:44:53,840 --> 00:44:56,600
Speaker 1: There was so much weight in it with my family.

747
00:44:57,320 --> 00:45:00,680
Speaker 1: That kind of halfway through that year was like my

748
00:45:00,760 --> 00:45:04,880
Speaker 1: shoulders relaxed and I kind of gave into it. Didn't

749
00:45:04,920 --> 00:45:07,360
Speaker 1: give up, but I gave into it and just thought, well,

750
00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:12,440
Speaker 1: this boats in control now, and I have to make

751
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:16,720
Speaker 1: my life revolve around it. And it became very meditative.

752
00:45:16,840 --> 00:45:21,040
Speaker 1: I've come home from work um and blew up one

753
00:45:21,080 --> 00:45:24,680
Speaker 1: strip of wood and then you know, clean the shop

754
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:27,759
Speaker 1: and eat dinner and go to bed instead of trying

755
00:45:27,760 --> 00:45:30,719
Speaker 1: to force it, and you know, kind of play Old

756
00:45:30,719 --> 00:45:35,160
Speaker 1: Testament God to the wood. I was more submissive um

757
00:45:35,440 --> 00:45:38,279
Speaker 1: to both the wood and the boat building process, which

758
00:45:38,320 --> 00:45:40,759
Speaker 1: I think is similar to writing a book. But you

759
00:45:40,800 --> 00:45:43,239
Speaker 1: have to just kind of sit your butt down and

760
00:45:43,239 --> 00:45:45,920
Speaker 1: do a little bit every day, and you'll be amazed

761
00:45:46,000 --> 00:45:48,480
Speaker 1: at yourself over the passage of time what you can

762
00:45:48,520 --> 00:45:55,440
Speaker 1: accomplish that way little and often. The title of Trent's

763
00:45:55,480 --> 00:45:59,400
Speaker 1: book can be applied to any discipline, any art form,

764
00:45:59,440 --> 00:46:02,880
Speaker 1: and also and be applied I think to self discovery

765
00:46:02,960 --> 00:46:05,919
Speaker 1: and to healing. None of it happens in a great

766
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:12,719
Speaker 1: dramatic rush. It happens bit by bit. It was a

767
00:46:12,719 --> 00:46:16,400
Speaker 1: completely unrealistic deadline that you gave to yourself, but you

768
00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:22,719
Speaker 1: did meet it. Yeah. It was exhilarating and maybe the

769
00:46:22,719 --> 00:46:27,440
Speaker 1: biggest relief of my life that the boats floated. First

770
00:46:27,440 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: of all, I didn't think to the bottom of the bay,

771
00:46:31,080 --> 00:46:33,040
Speaker 1: but that I had come around to the place where

772
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:35,320
Speaker 1: I realized I didn't need to prove to my father

773
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:40,000
Speaker 1: that I was man enough. He was already dead, and

774
00:46:40,120 --> 00:46:44,040
Speaker 1: all of the secrets that he kept. We're gone with him,

775
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:46,399
Speaker 1: and I just had to be comfortable in my own

776
00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:48,560
Speaker 1: skin if I was going to make it through this

777
00:46:48,960 --> 00:46:52,840
Speaker 1: little thing we called life. And finishing the boat. It

778
00:46:52,920 --> 00:46:56,560
Speaker 1: was so gratifying, and I thought I would be a

779
00:46:56,600 --> 00:46:58,840
Speaker 1: mess of tears when I paddled the boat. I thought, Oh,

780
00:46:58,840 --> 00:47:01,919
Speaker 1: I'm gonna go out. I'm gonna just really cry this out.

781
00:47:02,600 --> 00:47:05,040
Speaker 1: But I didn't. I had gotten all my crying out

782
00:47:05,040 --> 00:47:08,439
Speaker 1: of the way building the boat, and it no longer

783
00:47:08,480 --> 00:47:11,120
Speaker 1: felt like this mournful act of grieving. Once I was

784
00:47:11,160 --> 00:47:15,120
Speaker 1: on the water, it felt like a celebration and sort

785
00:47:15,120 --> 00:47:19,480
Speaker 1: of a liberation for me. I think from the reach

786
00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:22,880
Speaker 1: of my father in a way that I had maybe

787
00:47:22,920 --> 00:47:26,000
Speaker 1: absorbed the good and let go of the bad, and

788
00:47:26,760 --> 00:47:32,279
Speaker 1: that was at peace with that. Here's Trent reading one

789
00:47:32,480 --> 00:47:39,080
Speaker 1: last beautiful passage from his memoir. I nosed alongside the

790
00:47:39,160 --> 00:47:43,080
Speaker 1: Robin's Island dock, and there at last I tethered the

791
00:47:43,120 --> 00:47:46,480
Speaker 1: canoe to the dock with Dad's rope. I had arrived.

792
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:50,480
Speaker 1: I did it. I felt like i'd cry, though I didn't.

793
00:47:50,960 --> 00:47:54,399
Speaker 1: I only smiled. It seemed like such a little thing

794
00:47:54,680 --> 00:47:57,400
Speaker 1: and such a big thing at once, like a secret

795
00:47:57,440 --> 00:48:00,200
Speaker 1: I would tell myself the rest of my life, though

796
00:48:00,239 --> 00:48:03,160
Speaker 1: I didn't understand the meaning of it all yet. I

797
00:48:03,200 --> 00:48:06,600
Speaker 1: sat there for several minutes, taking everything in, listening to

798
00:48:06,640 --> 00:48:09,799
Speaker 1: the creeks and size of tiny ripples lapping against the hall.

799
00:48:10,920 --> 00:48:13,200
Speaker 1: So much was unknown to me, but I didn't have

800
00:48:13,320 --> 00:48:16,200
Speaker 1: to know everything. It was enough to trust that what

801
00:48:16,320 --> 00:48:20,160
Speaker 1: I did mattered. That I understood the canoe's meaning, without

802
00:48:20,239 --> 00:48:23,800
Speaker 1: yet being able to say precisely how, I could trust

803
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:27,080
Speaker 1: my hands knowing they built this canoe, and it was enough.

804
00:48:27,719 --> 00:48:31,279
Speaker 1: It was my own sacred and mysterious life, manifested in

805
00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:35,680
Speaker 1: a colorful, floating quilt made of wood. As I untethered

806
00:48:35,760 --> 00:48:38,759
Speaker 1: Dad's rope from the dock and coiled it around my arm,

807
00:48:38,800 --> 00:48:41,760
Speaker 1: I felt his presence there with me. He would always

808
00:48:41,800 --> 00:48:44,960
Speaker 1: be with me, no matter what, embodied in the tools

809
00:48:45,000 --> 00:48:48,760
Speaker 1: and the wood of this canoe. Through his death, Dad

810
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:52,400
Speaker 1: gave me a new life. He did. It was true.

811
00:48:53,120 --> 00:48:55,800
Speaker 1: I could now rightfully call myself a craftsman and a

812
00:48:55,840 --> 00:49:00,000
Speaker 1: boat builder who lived in communion with nature. My canoe

813
00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:05,839
Speaker 1: was my freedom. With that understanding, some inexplicable pain peep

814
00:49:05,920 --> 00:49:10,360
Speaker 1: inside me evaporated. In its place, I felt a flood

815
00:49:10,560 --> 00:49:15,359
Speaker 1: of gratitude. I felt whole. I was my own man now,

816
00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:19,399
Speaker 1: all of me, and I was ready to paddle home.

817
00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:38,960
Speaker 1: Family Secrets is a production of I Heart Radio. Molly

818
00:49:39,040 --> 00:49:41,840
Speaker 1: Zukor is the story editor and Dylan Fagan is the

819
00:49:41,880 --> 00:49:45,160
Speaker 1: executive producer. If you have a family secret you'd like

820
00:49:45,239 --> 00:49:47,880
Speaker 1: to share, please leave us a voicemail and your story

821
00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:51,239
Speaker 1: could appear on an upcoming episode. Our number is one

822
00:49:51,440 --> 00:49:56,080
Speaker 1: eight Secret zero. That's the number zero. You can also

823
00:49:56,160 --> 00:50:00,839
Speaker 1: find me on Instagram at Danny writer. And if you'd

824
00:50:00,880 --> 00:50:03,360
Speaker 1: like to know more about the story that inspired this podcast,

825
00:50:03,719 --> 00:50:27,840
Speaker 1: check out my memoir Inheritance. For more podcasts for my

826
00:50:27,880 --> 00:50:30,920
Speaker 1: Heart Radio, visit the I Heart Radio app, Apple podcast,

827
00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:33,040
Speaker 1: or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.