WEBVTT - Grief and the Truths We Keep Hidden (Cheslie Kryst recap) 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.640 In this episode, we discuss mental health and self harm. 0:00:03.680 --> 0:00:06.400 If you or a loved one need help, please call 0:00:06.440 --> 0:00:10.680 the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at eight hundred to seven three, 0:00:10.880 --> 0:00:17.439 eight to five five. Hey, y'all, Hey, and welcome to 0:00:17.600 --> 0:00:20.920 Let's Red Table. That I'm Tracy t Rowe and I'm 0:00:21.040 --> 0:00:24.239 Carl Presley. How are you feeling today, Tracy, I am 0:00:24.280 --> 0:00:27.600 feeling every day amazing. You know, this episode was heavy, 0:00:27.920 --> 0:00:32.920 I mean heavy, heavy, heavy girl. We're smiling now, but 0:00:33.040 --> 0:00:36.280 when I say it might be a few tiens this episode, 0:00:36.560 --> 0:00:38.440 oh my gosh. I cried through the whole thing. We 0:00:38.520 --> 0:00:41.880 heard from the mother and stepfather of Miss u s A. 0:00:42.200 --> 0:00:46.879 Chestlee Christ, who died in January after taking her own life. 0:00:47.360 --> 0:00:50.879 It was beautiful to hear from the mother, especially about 0:00:51.000 --> 0:00:55.320 the wonderful person that Chesley was. It was beautiful. It 0:00:55.440 --> 0:00:57.720 was difficult, you know. It was kind of one of 0:00:57.720 --> 0:01:00.920 those bitter sweet moments for me because I was celebrating 0:01:00.960 --> 0:01:04.319 how amazing she was, how accomplished she was, how she 0:01:04.480 --> 0:01:07.800 had achieved so much, and meant to see that the 0:01:07.920 --> 0:01:13.039 underpinning of that was this depression and this pain. And 0:01:13.440 --> 0:01:15.839 it wasn't the first suicide attempt. I mean, so many 0:01:15.880 --> 0:01:18.920 things were impact in this episode. The answers that we 0:01:19.000 --> 0:01:21.959 all needed and the clarity that we all needed. It 0:01:22.000 --> 0:01:25.679 definitely had me looking at the thing a different way. 0:01:25.720 --> 0:01:30.720 You know, I've had my own suicidal thoughts, so I 0:01:30.720 --> 0:01:33.160 had to sit with myself and think hard and deep 0:01:33.200 --> 0:01:35.240 about some things and talk to the Lord. And I 0:01:35.280 --> 0:01:38.120 am grateful that I was able to come to a 0:01:38.240 --> 0:01:41.240 very good place. Therapy helped me a lot. I was 0:01:41.280 --> 0:01:43.640 able to find what I needed, and I just wished 0:01:43.680 --> 0:01:46.480 Chesty could as well. For her mother to be really 0:01:46.520 --> 0:01:51.720 clear that she had issues that were consistent, that it 0:01:51.800 --> 0:01:54.200 wasn't her first attempt. Hearing that right off the back 0:01:54.320 --> 0:01:59.840 for me, I was like my jaw dropped. I was like, wait, 0:02:00.360 --> 0:02:04.280 wait what this wasn't her first attempt? And you don't 0:02:04.280 --> 0:02:08.959 hear about that. No one publicizes that, right, No one says, well, 0:02:09.000 --> 0:02:14.920 you know, this amazing, beautiful, accomplished person attempted suicide yesterday, 0:02:15.000 --> 0:02:17.560 and so maybe we need to have a conversation about that. 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:20.120 You're so happy that the person overcame it. You just 0:02:20.200 --> 0:02:24.280 kind of moved past it, right right. I just well, 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:30.880 you know, it was a heavy episode. It was for me, 0:02:30.919 --> 0:02:34.240 It wasn't like a sobbing cry car that I had 0:02:34.280 --> 0:02:38.680 through the episode. It was the silent tears stream because 0:02:38.800 --> 0:02:43.440 I thought of all the grief and the sense of loss. 0:02:43.760 --> 0:02:46.440 I mean, you think about it. This woman's life touched 0:02:46.560 --> 0:02:50.600 she had so many ripples, Chesley Chris. I looked up 0:02:50.639 --> 0:02:51.919 to her. I mean, of course I want to be 0:02:51.960 --> 0:02:56.080 a personelity and just watching her journey, she was such 0:02:56.160 --> 0:02:59.280 a great reporter. And when her mom said that she 0:02:59.600 --> 0:03:02.560 does things like you know, well, you know, I'm I'm living, 0:03:02.600 --> 0:03:06.360 but how are you? I immediately was like, Wow, who's 0:03:06.400 --> 0:03:09.240 done that for me? Like? Are these the things we 0:03:09.280 --> 0:03:11.000 need to look for when we say check on your 0:03:11.040 --> 0:03:14.000 strong friends. I don't think it would have stood out 0:03:14.040 --> 0:03:16.360 for me if my friend said, well how are you? 0:03:16.400 --> 0:03:18.160 I think I would have been so happy someone asked 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:23.000 about me. You know, I just hey, I'm not realizing 0:03:23.000 --> 0:03:25.679 that it was a deflection. Wow. And the way that 0:03:25.760 --> 0:03:28.880 April was so honest and transparent to share, you know, 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:32.520 her daughter and her loss. Thank you for being thankful 0:03:32.600 --> 0:03:35.240 and sharing with us that you have had that experience 0:03:35.280 --> 0:03:38.440 of being suicidal and reaching out and getting help. And 0:03:38.440 --> 0:03:40.080 I'm grateful that you were able to get the help 0:03:40.120 --> 0:03:43.800 you needed. Car, It's just I had to wonder if 0:03:43.840 --> 0:03:45.840 you had a friend, because you mentioned you were just 0:03:45.920 --> 0:03:48.200 kind of masking it. If you had had a friend 0:03:48.240 --> 0:03:51.760 that said, hey, Car, are you okay here? What would 0:03:51.800 --> 0:03:53.320 you have said in the midst of that at the 0:03:53.360 --> 0:03:56.640 height of your feeling suicidal. I truly had to work 0:03:56.680 --> 0:04:00.560 through that. The problem was I had similar to Chesty. 0:04:00.600 --> 0:04:03.160 I pushed people away because you don't want to be 0:04:03.200 --> 0:04:05.760 a burden, even if it's family. You don't want to 0:04:05.840 --> 0:04:08.440 hinder them. But yeah, I can look back at my journey, 0:04:08.480 --> 0:04:10.480 I see that it was just a breakthrough point for 0:04:10.520 --> 0:04:13.200 me because that's when the career cheerleader really was at 0:04:13.200 --> 0:04:15.920 the height, like I really described, and started to really 0:04:15.920 --> 0:04:18.080 bring that out for myself and who am I? And 0:04:18.120 --> 0:04:21.320 I found myself. But I feel like some people can't, 0:04:21.440 --> 0:04:24.600 and uh, suicidal thoughts came in like a it was 0:04:24.640 --> 0:04:27.279 like a spiral. I described it as like a flooding 0:04:27.320 --> 0:04:30.520 of thoughts. Luckily for me, I was able to research 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:33.560 and read and get therapy and stay in therapy for 0:04:33.680 --> 0:04:37.280 a while and change therapists and found what worked for me, 0:04:37.800 --> 0:04:39.600 and I hope others can do the same. But it's 0:04:39.640 --> 0:04:42.920 just not that simple for everyone. I read that people 0:04:42.960 --> 0:04:45.280 don't really want to commit suicide, they want the pain 0:04:45.360 --> 0:04:48.800 to stop, and that was my exact situation. I wanted 0:04:48.800 --> 0:04:51.559 the pain of that situation to stop, and I felt 0:04:51.560 --> 0:04:54.719 like I was helpless. That gave me some insight that 0:04:54.839 --> 0:04:58.440 it wasn't that you necessarily wanted to end your life. 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:01.159 For you, now I'm saying, it was that you wanted 0:05:01.200 --> 0:05:04.120 to end the pain and it felt like there was 0:05:04.160 --> 0:05:07.280 a no way out situation for me. That's what it was. 0:05:07.800 --> 0:05:11.440 After I had those thoughts. Not long after a coworker 0:05:11.520 --> 0:05:16.080 did commit suicide. That's when I was like, wow, how 0:05:16.120 --> 0:05:21.359 did that impact you? I was frustrated, concern because we 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:25.760 were the happy people in the office. So again now, 0:05:25.920 --> 0:05:28.800 not even realizing that high functioning depression was a word 0:05:28.960 --> 0:05:31.720 at the time, I was traveling for hours a day 0:05:31.720 --> 0:05:34.560 for work and doing what I thought everyone else did too. 0:05:35.279 --> 0:05:38.839 They may have, but it's okay to say I'm not okay. Yeah, 0:05:39.040 --> 0:05:41.239 so yeah, this episode, hopefully we'll save a lot of people. 0:05:44.680 --> 0:05:47.240 I am so grateful that we are keeping it really, 0:05:47.240 --> 0:05:51.200 really real. Some stuff this is not for fun, This 0:05:51.279 --> 0:05:53.800 is real, and the stuff they talked about it the 0:05:53.880 --> 0:05:57.280 Dangna table is real. Deal, real life, real table time. 0:05:57.800 --> 0:06:00.359 This is not fluff, This is not pump, this is 0:06:00.400 --> 0:06:04.200 not circumstances. This is blow your nose, babe, because you 0:06:04.240 --> 0:06:09.719 guys not running down a lot of it. Right. It's 0:06:09.800 --> 0:06:13.680 time to hear from our amazing community. We asked them, 0:06:13.720 --> 0:06:16.839 when they've experienced the grief, what has been the best 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:20.200 way that people have supported them? And here are some 0:06:20.279 --> 0:06:23.240 of their answers. Tracy, kick it off, you know what? 0:06:23.360 --> 0:06:28.880 Come on here, I am kick it off. Seven. Gainwood said, 0:06:29.400 --> 0:06:34.599 listening and praying for me can never go wrong. You 0:06:34.680 --> 0:06:36.719 want to be heard and you want to support. I 0:06:36.800 --> 0:06:39.920 love that. Shout out to you. Caroline Richard said, it 0:06:39.960 --> 0:06:42.839 can make you better or better, So remember the best 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:46.120 times you had together and pray for strength and blessings. 0:06:46.560 --> 0:06:53.240 Amen being present, sharing good memories and helping me move 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:58.080 on from Isola right more Walker, Yes, indeed, Izola being 0:06:58.200 --> 0:07:02.320 present that is so important. Facts Tyrell Morton, he said, 0:07:02.520 --> 0:07:05.480 even though it hurts, you gotta learn how to let go. 0:07:05.839 --> 0:07:09.560 I love that it's accurate. Gotta learn how to let go. Wow, 0:07:10.000 --> 0:07:17.320 heartfelt acknowledgement of my right to grieve in my own way. Yes, 0:07:17.600 --> 0:07:22.080 Dianne feeling cooked. That's important. People have so many expectations 0:07:22.080 --> 0:07:24.160 about what you should be doing when you're in your 0:07:24.200 --> 0:07:26.360 grief process. You can grieve your own way. There's no 0:07:26.480 --> 0:07:28.520 right or wrong. I can't wait till we talk about that. 0:07:28.680 --> 0:07:32.720 Shadow work, which is a type of therapy gratitude, journaling, 0:07:32.960 --> 0:07:37.560 and meditation. Shadow work helps you understand the triggers. Gratitude 0:07:37.560 --> 0:07:40.840 and journaling shifts your daily habits while also allowing a 0:07:41.000 --> 0:07:44.960 space for you to be unfiltered and brain dump. Meditation 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:48.360 helps you to calm your mind, since your nervous system, 0:07:48.480 --> 0:07:52.160 and breathe through the difficult times. Thank you, Gabby Garland, 0:07:52.320 --> 0:07:54.640 I know she is from Red Table Talk r v A. 0:07:55.160 --> 0:07:58.720 We appreciate that we have had some fantastic things that 0:07:58.840 --> 0:08:04.440 help and give me time and space to grieve without 0:08:04.520 --> 0:08:09.520 letting their discomfort with grief keep them away. Maggie Evans, 0:08:09.560 --> 0:08:11.800 that is so true. Thank you so much for that, 0:08:11.880 --> 0:08:13.960 Because you know what, people don't know how to deal 0:08:13.960 --> 0:08:15.680 with you. They don't how to engage with you and 0:08:15.760 --> 0:08:17.880 interact with you when you have griefs. They don't. They 0:08:17.920 --> 0:08:19.960 really don't. A lot of people treat you like your 0:08:19.960 --> 0:08:22.480 a leopard, or if you're not grieving the way it 0:08:22.560 --> 0:08:25.840 makes sense to them. Then you're not grieving, you know. 0:08:25.880 --> 0:08:29.000 And I'm guilty. I am guilty. When my grandmother passed 0:08:29.000 --> 0:08:31.760 away years ago, I asked my mom, like, why haven't 0:08:31.760 --> 0:08:35.000 you cried? Wow? But everyone cries in their own time. 0:08:35.040 --> 0:08:37.600 I was young and just trying to have things my way, ch'all. 0:08:37.679 --> 0:08:40.320 So that's what you learned, and you do I learned. 0:08:40.360 --> 0:08:43.480 I definitely learned. Shout out to our Memphis Sister Friend 0:08:43.760 --> 0:08:47.240 Red Table Talk comments and to our r v A 0:08:47.400 --> 0:08:49.600 group as well. You guys are amazing and we thank 0:08:49.640 --> 0:08:51.959 you so much for your input. We're going to take 0:08:52.000 --> 0:08:54.680 a quick break, but when we get back, we'll be 0:08:54.800 --> 0:08:59.880 joined by two incredible guests from our Red Table Talk communities. 0:09:07.280 --> 0:09:12.000 All right, everyone listen. We are bringing to fellow URTT 0:09:12.200 --> 0:09:16.480 community members to the Virtual Red Table. Tracy, kick it 0:09:16.559 --> 0:09:19.480 off and tell us about your guests. It's my absolute 0:09:19.520 --> 0:09:22.600 pressure to kick it off, especially with this Red Table top. 0:09:22.640 --> 0:09:25.840 Memphis Sister Friend, Angie Castor is a hairstyle is here 0:09:25.840 --> 0:09:28.839 in Memphis, and she's unless Red Table Dad to share 0:09:28.920 --> 0:09:32.800 about the loved one she recently lost, including her brother 0:09:33.320 --> 0:09:36.800 and two cousins. We are so honored you are willing 0:09:36.840 --> 0:09:39.640 to share with us. Welcome, Angie, thank you, thank you, 0:09:39.720 --> 0:09:43.000 thank you. I can't wait to get into it with 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:45.240 you and talk to you. Today. I want to introduce 0:09:45.280 --> 0:09:47.640 you to a Red Table Talk r v A member, 0:09:48.080 --> 0:09:52.000 Dr Shantel J. Chambliss. She's actually the second member of 0:09:52.040 --> 0:09:55.160 the group and she's joining our virtual Red Table from 0:09:55.240 --> 0:09:58.160 right here in Richmond, Virginia. She lives with her husband 0:09:58.280 --> 0:10:01.960 and their nineteen month old rainbow baby Ryan. The Greece 0:10:02.040 --> 0:10:05.200 chesty Chris mom shared over losing her daughter is something 0:10:05.559 --> 0:10:08.679 Dr Chantell understands all too well, as she lost her 0:10:08.720 --> 0:10:12.000 son and delivery a little over six years ago. Dr 0:10:12.080 --> 0:10:15.040 Chantell is currently co writing a book about healing, and 0:10:15.080 --> 0:10:17.600 today we're grateful you are going to share about your 0:10:17.640 --> 0:10:21.080 journey with us. So welcome, Dr Chantell, Thank you for 0:10:21.200 --> 0:10:31.280 having me. We are going to start things off with 0:10:31.440 --> 0:10:35.520 our weight what segment We're gonna share Which moments made 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:40.280 us pause, rewind and listen again? The wait what moment y'all? 0:10:40.600 --> 0:10:45.240 When April chest Lee's mom read the final text, I 0:10:45.320 --> 0:10:49.040 cry almost every day now like I'm in mourning. I've 0:10:49.120 --> 0:10:52.000 wished for death for years, and I know you would 0:10:52.000 --> 0:10:55.880 want to know and want to help but I haven't 0:10:56.000 --> 0:11:00.680 wanted to share this weight with anyone. That would have 0:11:00.760 --> 0:11:03.280 been tough to ree. Like just the first sentence that 0:11:03.480 --> 0:11:06.440 part right there, I was like, oh my god, to 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:11.320 have wished for death for years, I mean, yeah, that 0:11:11.400 --> 0:11:13.680 was tough. Definitely had to rewind on. Now. Do y'all 0:11:13.679 --> 0:11:16.800 think you would have chosen to share a final text 0:11:17.679 --> 0:11:21.280 from a loved one for her mom? I would have. Yeah, yeah, 0:11:21.360 --> 0:11:23.960 I had to agree with that, especially later on when 0:11:23.960 --> 0:11:27.600 she started talking about all the rumors surrounding her stuff 0:11:27.600 --> 0:11:31.080 and how people are asking them to like open murder investigations. 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.960 I think it was important for her to say I 0:11:35.000 --> 0:11:38.320 am okay with knowing that this is what happened, because 0:11:38.440 --> 0:11:40.440 Chesley told me this is what she was gonna do, 0:11:41.040 --> 0:11:44.600 right right. She said that she has closure with her 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:47.440 daughter's death because of what she said in the message, 0:11:47.760 --> 0:11:50.720 So she knew her mom and she knew what her 0:11:50.760 --> 0:11:53.480 mom would need. I'm glad she shared it, Especially when 0:11:53.480 --> 0:11:56.120 it's a public figure like this, we all feel included 0:11:56.320 --> 0:11:58.319 and we all feel like we want some closure too, 0:11:58.720 --> 0:12:01.040 So it was appreciated that she chose to share it, 0:12:01.360 --> 0:12:02.920 and I think I would have shared a final one 0:12:02.920 --> 0:12:05.959 from a loved one to Also, I can't imagine the 0:12:06.000 --> 0:12:10.080 amount of people who are suffering from that level of depression. 0:12:10.840 --> 0:12:14.560 Now everyone understands what that looks like, right, Because that 0:12:15.440 --> 0:12:17.680 it was like somebody was saving me in my chest. 0:12:17.760 --> 0:12:23.000 It was raw and gut wrenching, but it really put 0:12:23.000 --> 0:12:26.760 a lens on it. I will say that on the 0:12:26.800 --> 0:12:29.080 one hand, for me, it was like, oh, my goodness, 0:12:29.160 --> 0:12:31.520 don't go back and reread this, don't go back and 0:12:31.559 --> 0:12:34.840 revisit this, and just open that tender spot. That wound 0:12:34.840 --> 0:12:38.200 won't heal. But then the other side of me was thinking, 0:12:38.440 --> 0:12:41.320 you sharing this and your transparency in this, and you 0:12:41.480 --> 0:12:45.120 being able to open yourself up and really be vulnerable. 0:12:45.400 --> 0:12:49.480 To share this kind of intimacy with the world is 0:12:49.520 --> 0:12:52.079 a gift because it will make people look at their 0:12:52.080 --> 0:12:55.440 family members and understand that if they're suffering, that even 0:12:55.480 --> 0:12:57.240 though you love them, you won't be able to love 0:12:57.280 --> 0:13:00.199 them Away from this that was a white one. Let's 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:02.480 go to the next way. What which kind of is 0:13:02.640 --> 0:13:05.920 along the same lines. You just never know what burdens 0:13:05.960 --> 0:13:09.640 people are carrying. Gammy said that during this episode, I 0:13:09.720 --> 0:13:14.120 do hope that opening up these discussions and just talking 0:13:14.120 --> 0:13:17.640 about where Chesley was or state of mind at that time. 0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:21.839 Hopefully encourage people to be kinder. You just never know 0:13:21.920 --> 0:13:25.480 what burdens people are carrying. GAMMI nailed it. I concur 0:13:25.600 --> 0:13:28.000 on that completely. How do you guys feel you don't. 0:13:28.040 --> 0:13:30.240 That's why they say be careful how you treat people, 0:13:30.320 --> 0:13:34.640 because you never know what someone is battling with. Like 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:38.720 her mom said, like y'all seeing her on TV, she's smiling, 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:42.960 she's always happy, but deep down she was not happy 0:13:43.040 --> 0:13:45.800 at all. And I'm like, dang, so you can fake 0:13:45.840 --> 0:13:50.559 a smile, boy man, right to look at someone so beautiful, 0:13:50.720 --> 0:13:55.760 so accomplished, gorgeous, at that level of accomplishment for her 0:13:55.800 --> 0:13:58.480 to still carry that heavy of a burden. How could 0:13:58.480 --> 0:14:01.600 we ever look at anyone and think that they don't 0:14:01.640 --> 0:14:06.200 carry any burden? Yep, absolutely, that's so true, because how 0:14:06.280 --> 0:14:10.280 much more accomplished could you have me? She missed America? 0:14:10.480 --> 0:14:14.800 Like what? And you think about When David, who was 0:14:14.880 --> 0:14:19.200 chestly step dad, shared about his experience with the street 0:14:19.240 --> 0:14:22.280 singer she passed, I had kind of latched onto a 0:14:22.320 --> 0:14:24.640 couple of Adele songs and I had a moment when 0:14:24.640 --> 0:14:26.440 I was up there by myself. I went and visit 0:14:26.480 --> 0:14:31.160 her favorite cupcake shop and soho, and there was a 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:34.280 street singer singing one of these Adele songs. I was 0:14:34.360 --> 0:14:36.400 really emotional and I sat there and oh man, he 0:14:36.400 --> 0:14:38.520 he was such a good singer. He said, you know, 0:14:38.600 --> 0:14:40.160 I'm gonna take a break for a minute. And I 0:14:40.160 --> 0:14:41.800 thought to myself, man, I'm sure you wish he would 0:14:41.800 --> 0:14:45.960 sing that other song. And God walks up to him, 0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:48.280 says something to him, and he says, I've got another 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:51.480 request or another adule song and he sing that song. Wow, 0:14:52.280 --> 0:14:54.640 and that was I was just moved. I cried through 0:14:54.680 --> 0:14:59.760 the whole whole epith you know, listen, I love a 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:03.480 so okay. It could be from a color to an 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:07.440 insect to a song. And he signed, is always a 0:15:07.480 --> 0:15:09.840 comfort for me. Yeah, what kind of signce have you 0:15:09.840 --> 0:15:12.720 guys experienced? Angie and Dr Chanel. I lost my brother 0:15:12.760 --> 0:15:15.000 two years ago, a little over two years now, and 0:15:15.040 --> 0:15:17.120 his favorite holiday was Mother's Day because he got a 0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:19.840 chance to really show out and show how he thought 0:15:19.880 --> 0:15:23.240 he was the best child. So he always went above 0:15:23.280 --> 0:15:27.200 and vielding. So when we lost him, it was pretty hard. 0:15:27.440 --> 0:15:29.960 It was very, very hard because my mom worked the 0:15:30.040 --> 0:15:32.480 most with him, because although he was the most boyled. 0:15:32.520 --> 0:15:35.080 He was the most worst them. So this particular Mother 0:15:35.200 --> 0:15:37.720 Day this year, my brother's and we went to back 0:15:37.720 --> 0:15:40.160 and body works with my mom loves candles. So we 0:15:40.200 --> 0:15:42.280 get to the register and she's ringing us up. They 0:15:42.320 --> 0:15:44.200 asked what's your phone number? And I give them my 0:15:44.280 --> 0:15:48.080 phone number and they're like Mario. It's like, no, ma'am, 0:15:48.280 --> 0:15:52.200 my name is Angela. So she was like, do you 0:15:52.240 --> 0:15:55.160 know Mario. I was like, that's my little brother and 0:15:55.280 --> 0:15:58.680 I'm at the register like tears just flowing. But I 0:15:58.720 --> 0:16:02.360 was happy with that moment because it was a sign 0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:05.360 that he was saying, hey, sis, I'm still here. You know, 0:16:06.080 --> 0:16:08.280 this is my holidays. It's kind of like, yeah, still 0:16:08.360 --> 0:16:13.120 my holiday. And he's such a jokester. He was such 0:16:13.160 --> 0:16:15.160 he was the light of our friend. He's such a jokester. 0:16:15.280 --> 0:16:17.400 So it is. It was sad, but it was also 0:16:17.440 --> 0:16:20.720 a happy moment for me because it did connect me 0:16:20.840 --> 0:16:23.280 back to him and say, hey, he's good and he's 0:16:23.320 --> 0:16:26.480 still Mario. And I was like, hold on. I talked 0:16:26.480 --> 0:16:27.880 to little girl the register. I was like, I think 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:31.520 my brother's been still in my points all these years. 0:16:31.360 --> 0:16:34.560 That's still in my point. Get the discount. That's still 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:39.040 in my thirty So even though it was a sad moment, 0:16:39.200 --> 0:16:41.680 it was it was a great moment because his spirit 0:16:41.720 --> 0:16:44.200 is still with us. That's a sweet story. That's really 0:16:44.200 --> 0:16:46.840 sweet that he was like, yeah, you maybe getting twenty campbells, 0:16:46.880 --> 0:16:51.160 dog go on, but my name is all over. Dr Shantell. 0:16:51.280 --> 0:16:55.200 What about you? What kind of signs or experiences have 0:16:55.280 --> 0:16:59.760 you had? So so many, but one that pretty recent. 0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:02.960 So when my son passed, a girlfriend of mine took 0:17:03.440 --> 0:17:05.800 one of the ultrasound videos that we had taken of 0:17:05.920 --> 0:17:07.760 his heartbeat, and she took it to build a bear 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:13.120 and she put the recording of Jaden's heartbeat into a bear. Now, 0:17:13.160 --> 0:17:15.679 my daughters, she's been screaming and crying since Thursday with 0:17:15.720 --> 0:17:19.399 these teeth erupting. Yesterday she went in. The bear is 0:17:19.400 --> 0:17:22.480 sitting on a bookcase in my office. She goes and 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:25.760 gets this bear and she's like dancing and singing in 0:17:25.800 --> 0:17:28.600 and going my baby, my baby, And I'm like, wow, 0:17:28.840 --> 0:17:32.880 he's conforting his little sister, and he is. This girl 0:17:32.920 --> 0:17:35.359 has no interest. She has a like one whole side 0:17:35.359 --> 0:17:37.280 of her nursery is nothing but teddy bears that people 0:17:37.280 --> 0:17:44.040 gave us. Ryan, don't touch those bears from the moment 0:17:44.200 --> 0:17:46.560 she was conceived. I have known that he is watching 0:17:46.560 --> 0:17:51.960 over her. That's awesome. She probably communicates regularly with when 0:17:52.000 --> 0:17:55.119 she's in here, and she's just like randomly gibbering. I'm like, 0:17:55.480 --> 0:17:59.080 that's what she's talking. I just know what they're talking about. 0:17:59.160 --> 0:18:01.600 Even in the midst of the content that we're discussing, 0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:05.000 we can still find the highlights and getting able to 0:18:05.040 --> 0:18:07.480 remember and to be able to laugh and find joy 0:18:07.560 --> 0:18:10.720 in the memories. That's such a gift. You're right, such 0:18:10.760 --> 0:18:13.400 a gift. Taking it back to the episode is our 0:18:13.440 --> 0:18:15.800 next way? What moment? You know when April talked about 0:18:15.800 --> 0:18:19.280 and shared that Chesley had that pa functioning depression, depression 0:18:19.400 --> 0:18:22.679 is not always marked by someone laying in bad or 0:18:22.760 --> 0:18:25.040 unable to do things. And you know there are people 0:18:25.040 --> 0:18:27.680 who are high functioning who can get through the day 0:18:27.840 --> 0:18:30.480 because they were the face I know personally I have 0:18:30.640 --> 0:18:36.080 experienced it too, just reverence myself and being strong and 0:18:36.560 --> 0:18:39.560 somewhere about COVID, I was like, you know what, rest 0:18:39.680 --> 0:18:43.639 sounds great? So how can you all relate or do 0:18:43.640 --> 0:18:46.600 you have any experiences with any high functioning depression, whether 0:18:46.600 --> 0:18:50.240 it's you or a family member. This episode resonated so 0:18:50.359 --> 0:18:53.160 deeply with me because whereas I may have never had 0:18:53.240 --> 0:18:56.920 thoughts of ending my life, I know how it feels 0:18:57.280 --> 0:18:59.879 to be accomplished and celebrated and in the back of 0:19:00.000 --> 0:19:04.159 your mind you're like, I still wasn't enough, and it 0:19:04.240 --> 0:19:07.920 doesn't light you up the way people think that it does. 0:19:08.000 --> 0:19:11.720 It's sometimes very lonely, especially with black women, right because 0:19:11.920 --> 0:19:14.760 with these accomplishments comes in poster syndrome, which is a 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.119 it's a side effect of this half function and depression. 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:20.840 Right when she was like listening all of her accomplishations, 0:19:20.880 --> 0:19:23.679 she said something that like really stuck out to me. 0:19:24.600 --> 0:19:28.000 She said that Shellley never had anybody issues, Like she 0:19:28.119 --> 0:19:31.480 was very confident in her skin, but when people make 0:19:31.560 --> 0:19:36.480 fun of her age, it broke her. And it's like, wow, 0:19:38.119 --> 0:19:41.960 this woman who's so super confident, but like these little 0:19:42.000 --> 0:19:44.320 pebbles get thrown at you and they make you question 0:19:44.359 --> 0:19:49.360 your whole existence. And I experienced that half functional depression 0:19:49.520 --> 0:19:53.159 sounds better than it is. If I could go to 0:19:53.280 --> 0:19:56.280 other way, maybe I would, because sometimes you wanna go 0:19:56.520 --> 0:19:58.360 crawling the bed and put the covers over your head 0:19:58.359 --> 0:20:02.119 because it would be easier. It is exhausting. It is 0:20:02.440 --> 0:20:07.240 draining to function at a high level when internally it 0:20:07.359 --> 0:20:11.080 don't feel high. Listen, I just feel like women of color, 0:20:11.359 --> 0:20:14.040 black women, we are busy were we are. We're trying 0:20:14.040 --> 0:20:16.000 to find our own goals and dreams. Were trying to 0:20:16.000 --> 0:20:18.800 support the black men and our family, trying to praise 0:20:18.840 --> 0:20:21.640 black men in some instances. We are at the same 0:20:21.680 --> 0:20:24.879 time dealing with grief as well, which which really brings 0:20:24.960 --> 0:20:27.880 us as to why we're all even here to really 0:20:27.880 --> 0:20:31.560 dig into the themes of this episode. Now that you said, wait, what, 0:20:31.760 --> 0:20:34.080 we want to hear more from you. So Dr Shantell 0:20:34.160 --> 0:20:38.440 and Angie about how you personally really connected with this episode, 0:20:38.840 --> 0:20:41.280 Let's kind of tap into that and talk really Let's 0:20:41.320 --> 0:20:43.800 let's go ahead and dive deep into who our guests 0:20:43.800 --> 0:20:47.200 really are and and while you're here, how did you 0:20:47.640 --> 0:20:51.280 truly connect with the episode? What was maybe your impact 0:20:51.359 --> 0:20:53.639 point of the episode for each of you. I was 0:20:53.720 --> 0:20:57.320 on it before my brother passed, and and since he's passed, 0:20:57.920 --> 0:21:00.840 I have really been on this self away Kenning journey. 0:21:01.440 --> 0:21:05.640 His passing prompted the opening of my salon. I mean, 0:21:05.840 --> 0:21:10.240 it pushed me into areas of thinking that I couldn't 0:21:10.240 --> 0:21:12.800 do it, into knowing that I could do it, and 0:21:12.880 --> 0:21:19.800 for Mario to die gave you newfound pursuit of that answer. 0:21:20.080 --> 0:21:23.679 It opened up more questions to myself because for years 0:21:23.880 --> 0:21:25.760 my brother had been telling people I had a salon. 0:21:26.320 --> 0:21:28.760 He would tell his girlfriends that I had a salon 0:21:28.960 --> 0:21:30.800 so that they could come. He wanted me to do 0:21:30.840 --> 0:21:33.720 all his girlfriend's hair. I don't have to do everyone's hair. 0:21:33.800 --> 0:21:36.000 Cat now, wait a minute, Hold on a second. We 0:21:36.080 --> 0:21:43.000 got another way. What if the girlfriends Mario because I 0:21:43.040 --> 0:21:47.760 love him, but he was a homeless god love it. 0:21:47.880 --> 0:21:49.399 She was like, he wanted me to do all of 0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:51.960 the girlfriend's hair. I was the sister, so I didn't 0:21:51.960 --> 0:21:54.080 agree with everybody, so he would get the okay by 0:21:54.080 --> 0:21:56.440 sitting them to get their hair done. Like you like 0:21:56.520 --> 0:21:59.440 your did you? What did you think of? You wanted 0:21:59.440 --> 0:22:03.480 the seal of approval okay right when he left here, 0:22:03.720 --> 0:22:05.439 and that was just a goal of mine. You know what. 0:22:05.480 --> 0:22:08.000 I'm getting it not only for him, because it was 0:22:08.080 --> 0:22:10.119 something that I really wanted. I just didn't think that 0:22:10.160 --> 0:22:12.520 I could do it. My brother left here with so 0:22:12.560 --> 0:22:15.399 many goals. He left here with so many things that 0:22:15.440 --> 0:22:18.439 he wanted to do, And how dare I take my 0:22:18.520 --> 0:22:20.639 life for green and I still have the opportunity to 0:22:20.640 --> 0:22:23.439 get up every morning and complete my goals and do 0:22:23.520 --> 0:22:25.280 things that I want to do and do things for 0:22:25.560 --> 0:22:28.199 my children. So I'm gonna continue to reach and do 0:22:28.320 --> 0:22:32.320 what I can until God calls me home. It's so 0:22:32.400 --> 0:22:35.760 interesting to me to Angie that you have positioned it 0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:38.200 and the way that you say. You didn't say how 0:22:38.240 --> 0:22:41.040 he died, but you use different ways to say that 0:22:41.119 --> 0:22:44.440