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Speaker 1: Welcome. You are now listening to the Professional profession. Hey,

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girls is the kid of a name from

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Speaker 1: the PSD podcast, the only place where you would hear

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Speaker 1: interviews from black women an honestly on stories that will

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Speaker 1: enlighten and expand on taboo topics. Now, if you hear

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Speaker 1: someone that sounds familiar, mind the business that pays you child.

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Speaker 1: If you like the PhD podcast, please rate, review and

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Speaker 1: subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Please five star reviews only hold

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Speaker 1: me down, don't hold me up. Merchants now enveloped on

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Speaker 1: the site as well as my book list, so please

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Speaker 1: make sure you visit the link in the show notes below.

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Speaker 1: You can connect with the kids on Instagram at the

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Speaker 1: Professional home Girl and at the PhD podcast. If you

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Speaker 1: are on Twitter, please follow me at the PhD podcast now.

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Speaker 1: If you are all caught up with episode, listen to

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Speaker 1: the bonus episodes by supporting the PSD podcast Patreon account.

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Speaker 1: To support, please visit www dot patreon dot com. Forward

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Speaker 1: slash the PSG podcast now. Please keep in mind that

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Speaker 1: all of my guests are nonnes so let's again this

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Speaker 1: week's episode. So I am super excited about this week's episode.

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Speaker 1: Our guest is a personal trainer, a relationship coach, and

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Speaker 1: a certified behavior change specialists for women with incarcerated spouses.

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Speaker 1: Our guest specialized in teaching women how to find clarity

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Speaker 1: and who they are so they are confident, speaking up

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Speaker 1: for what they need, creating healthy relationships, and developing an

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Speaker 1: entrust to ensure that they are not making decisions that

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Speaker 1: would make them happy be with the fear of future resentment. Okay,

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Speaker 1: that's sounding great. Where do you get that from? Right said?

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Speaker 1: Come on, so let me take this embarded right quick.

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Speaker 1: So my guess, how are you doing? I am doing

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Speaker 1: wonderful and I'm excited to be here because I feel

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Speaker 1: like what we're gonna talk about is going to help

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Speaker 1: so many people, because especially because one it's needed and

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Speaker 1: a lot of people don't even know I exist, so

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Speaker 1: let's do it. And then on top of that, we

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Speaker 1: were just keeping y'all for like five ten minutes before

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Speaker 1: the show, but I was like, she is a real

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Speaker 1: life super he wrote, all were capes man, and y'all

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Speaker 1: would definitely hear why. But I think she is so amazing.

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Speaker 1: I'm so excited to have her in the show because

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Speaker 1: it's definitely been a couple of weeks in the make

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Speaker 1: it because we had to reschedule on my behalf. I know,

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Speaker 1: it's okay, we're both busy and but we may happen.

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Speaker 1: We're here. We're here. So so why do you think

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Speaker 1: there is a stigma associated with the term prison wife? Oh?

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Speaker 1: Why is there a stigma? Well, first of all, there's

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Speaker 1: a stigma with prison, right, I mean, gosh, how deep

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Speaker 1: do you want to go? I mean gosh. So, but

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Speaker 1: don't say that because then you have you talking about

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Speaker 1: black codes and slavery. But I think the stigma exists

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Speaker 1: because there's a perception that one that exists with who

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Speaker 1: goes to prison and what those people who they are.

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Speaker 1: I guess so I think there's an idea that the

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Speaker 1: people who are in prison are bad people. Um, they

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Speaker 1: all have bad intentions and their monsters, right, So I

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Speaker 1: think of all the receptions that even if it's more

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Speaker 1: likely if you have never met somebody or personally or

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Speaker 1: realize that you've met somebody that's been to prison, you

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Speaker 1: may have certain stereotypes and perceptions of what those people

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Speaker 1: are like. You can have a friend or a coworker

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Speaker 1: who with the prison you have no idea, So I

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Speaker 1: think the stigma starts there. You know, until you hear

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Speaker 1: the stories of the people who go on the prison

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Speaker 1: and realize why they with the prison, those stereotypes will

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Speaker 1: will continue to exist. So that's one reason. But then

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Speaker 1: you also have the I won't get too deeply into this,

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Speaker 1: but you have the reason of that prison is a business.

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Speaker 1: So because prison is a business, you know, money rules everything, right,

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Speaker 1: so there are certain stigmas and discriminations that will continue

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Speaker 1: to exist because people are pulling for them, even though

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Speaker 1: people don't want to admit it. But prison is a business.

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Speaker 1: It is a business, so we have to uphold these

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Speaker 1: stigmas and stereotypes in order to keep prison running. We

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Speaker 1: will be here for hours talking about that. But I'm

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Speaker 1: gonna circle back around and say, because there's stigmas that

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Speaker 1: exist with the prisoners, these stigmas and rolls of the family,

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Speaker 1: because I support some moneys in prison, I must be

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Speaker 1: a hood rat, right, I must be taking advantage of

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Speaker 1: the system. Right. So all the negative things that you

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Speaker 1: think because as they because they start with what they

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Speaker 1: think people are like who in prison? Mm hmm. But

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Speaker 1: I say about to say that, yes, there are bad

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Speaker 1: people in prison. There are people in there who belong there,

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Speaker 1: but that's not the vast majority of people who are

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Speaker 1: in prison. And there are people who just made mistakes.

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Speaker 1: That's what I'm saying. My husband would come in here

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Speaker 1: all day and talk to you about stories. How did

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Speaker 1: people land in prison? Right? Example, one young man with

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Speaker 1: the prison defending his sister who was he found getting

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Speaker 1: raped in the alley. Right, there's all kinds of stories,

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Speaker 1: but people only see them as you know, they don't

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Speaker 1: see them as humans. You know, they're only partially human,

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Speaker 1: and they feel like they should be treated a certain way.

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Speaker 1: Like you. Some prisons you can't even get clean water, yeah, right,

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Speaker 1: So that that's where the stigma comes from. It starts there,

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Speaker 1: and it's just I don't know. It's sad because what

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Speaker 1: happens when you keep these stigmas up. It keeps people

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Speaker 1: in hiding. Mm hmm. It's the shame exactly. It keeps

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Speaker 1: people in hiding. And when you're in hiding, guess what,

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Speaker 1: you don't get support exactly, you don't get support and

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Speaker 1: you don't get help, so they're gonna continue to keep snowballing. Right,

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Speaker 1: And then this person is expected to help or support

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Speaker 1: the person when they come home right now, they've snowballed

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Speaker 1: and they can they can barely take care of themselves, right,

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Speaker 1: so right, and then think about how that affects the

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Speaker 1: person coming home and how that affects your citizen reads.

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Speaker 1: So if they can't take care of themselves, how they're

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Speaker 1: gonna support somebody who's been through trauma and needs help

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Speaker 1: finding a job, maybe doesn't have a driver's license, doesn't

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Speaker 1: know what to where to go to an interview? Were

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Speaker 1: issues like those? Are the programs? I always say that

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Speaker 1: they need to do better with rehabilitation programs because you

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Speaker 1: put these you put these inmates back on the streets,

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Speaker 1: and it's like they have no idea what's going on

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Speaker 1: in the world, Like you didn't prepare them. So what

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Speaker 1: am I paying? What are my top text I was

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Speaker 1: going to? Because they need to be prepared, like job interviews.

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Speaker 1: They don't even know what to wear, social skills, just

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Speaker 1: getting back into the world. Like what am I paying for?

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Speaker 1: Mm hmm, I know what you're paying for, But that's

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Speaker 1: that's a whole different time. I know what I'm paying for.

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Speaker 1: It too, that money is getting that money is hitting

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Speaker 1: the other things that they are one percent agenda but

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Speaker 1: that's a look yeah, or my money is helping them

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Speaker 1: stay in there? Should I say? Yeah? Yeah? Like I said,

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Speaker 1: it's a business. Um, it's a challenge because, like you said,

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Speaker 1: a lot of these programs there, they look good on paper,

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Speaker 1: but how successful are the people when they come home? Right,

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Speaker 1: And a lot of the burden really falls on the

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Speaker 1: wife or the mother or whoever he's coming home to.

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Speaker 1: That is the primary person who was going to be

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Speaker 1: responsible for keeping that person home and moving them forward,

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Speaker 1: whether it's mentally, financially, spiritually, whatever space he needs help.

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Speaker 1: They are the primary I'll just say caregiver for lack

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Speaker 1: of word, but because my husband would say, you know,

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Speaker 1: coming home like he didn't feel prepared. And if I

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Speaker 1: just talk about my husband, this is somebody who lived

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Speaker 1: in life before going to prison. He owned his own business.

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Speaker 1: M granted he did. He actually did three bids. M hm.

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Speaker 1: You know he's somebody who traveled the world, who was

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Speaker 1: in the navy. Right, so during his third bid he

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Speaker 1: did six and a half years. When he came home,

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Speaker 1: he struggled to keep a job and he he always

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Speaker 1: used to describe demons like he struggle old with his

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Speaker 1: mental health and still does. And there's people who have

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Speaker 1: done twenty five years, thirty years, who've done lifetimes in prison,

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Speaker 1: who haven't really lived many life experiences, right, Like, I

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Speaker 1: can't even begin to imagine what life is like coming home. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: and imagine being the wife happened to. I call it

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Speaker 1: the rebirth. I envisioned a man coming home from one

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Speaker 1: world and being reborn into another world, and the wife

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Speaker 1: or the family is kind of being reborn as well. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: I don't use that term to describe the family, but

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Speaker 1: it's it's kind of almost like I don't wanna call

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Speaker 1: it shock, but like it's not what you ever expect

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Speaker 1: to happen, as much as you can prepare for work, gosh,

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Speaker 1: because you might have these expectations of what's gonna be like,

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Speaker 1: especially if you're a wife. Oh it's gonna be happy.

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Speaker 1: Oh my god, he's gonna I have all these plans

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Speaker 1: for him and how to help him be successful, you know,

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Speaker 1: if you're a forward thinking person, But you'll soon realize

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Speaker 1: that his rehab is not moving on your schedule or

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Speaker 1: your plan. Yeah, it's moving on on him, not you.

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Speaker 1: Because one, he has to have a want to do

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Speaker 1: it mm hmm. And healing has no timeline. Yeah, that's

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Speaker 1: a fact, right, So when you go into this position

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Speaker 1: as like if you're a prison wife and you take

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Speaker 1: no preparation for his return, boy, oh my, oh my

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Speaker 1: good ah, you are gonna be you know you're gonna

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Speaker 1: pull your hair out. Yeah. No, I'm telling you. I

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Speaker 1: told her before we started, and we can touch more

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Speaker 1: on it once we get to this part of the conversation.

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Speaker 1: But I was like, I felt like you did the

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Speaker 1: bid with him, like you was doing the bid, because

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Speaker 1: you say, you said to me, look, she did all

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Speaker 1: this research on me, she said at the beginning, and

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Speaker 1: what you say to me, it looked like you did

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Speaker 1: the bid. You said, it looked like I did the bid.

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Speaker 1: That's like he was like wow. And I'm like, you

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Speaker 1: don't think so you don't because you really see the

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Speaker 1: transformation and like just seeing your videos and we're gonna

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Speaker 1: talk about this once begin too, your story. But I

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Speaker 1: was just like, it was a lot. It was a

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Speaker 1: lot to look at and I can only imagine how

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Speaker 1: it felt. Yeah, I mean, I'll tell you exactly how

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Speaker 1: it felt. It felt like somebody died. Yeah, like literally,

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Speaker 1: it felt like and I it took me a while

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Speaker 1: to say that publicly, because I felt maybe a little guilt,

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Speaker 1: a little shame for saying that until I started doing

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Speaker 1: research myself and I realized that grief is not just

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Speaker 1: something that happens or your experience when someone dies. Grief

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Speaker 1: is something you can experience by losing a job, change

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Speaker 1: the situation in your life could be anything, not just death.

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Speaker 1: So once I educated, sort of educating myself on you know,

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Speaker 1: how do I moved from point A feeling depressed and

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Speaker 1: feeling stuck to living my best life. You're not alone

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Speaker 1: and it's not feel this way, right. So once I

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Speaker 1: realized that it just you know, it helped me to

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Speaker 1: normalize what I was going through. But yeah, I mean,

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Speaker 1: I think a lot of people don't realize they're experiencing

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Speaker 1: grief when they're a loved one goes to prison. So

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Speaker 1: what is your what was your perspective? What was your

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Speaker 1: thoughts on prison before you embarked on this journey. It's

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Speaker 1: hard to say, because, uh, you know, my life prior

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Speaker 1: to that. I guess I could say it was ignorant

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Speaker 1: because I really knew nothing wasn't something I thought about.

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Speaker 1: You know, if you compare me to somebody who lives

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Speaker 1: or who grew up in the streets, they realize that

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Speaker 1: they could possibly go to prison one day. So for me,

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Speaker 1: I don't know what my if I had to compare,

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Speaker 1: compare my thought process or my um understanding of people

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Speaker 1: in prison now versus before this experience. I'm not even

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Speaker 1: sure because it's not something that was when my radar

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Speaker 1: or something that even thought about, which means I have

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Speaker 1: to say that there's millions of other people still moving

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Speaker 1: that way. So and it makes me think as to

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Speaker 1: talk about this, that you can't get people to be

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Speaker 1: proactive for a cause that they have no idea to

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Speaker 1: even exists facts. You know, a lot of people are

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Speaker 1: just unaware, did I know? I don't think I had

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Speaker 1: any inkling and how many people are actually in prison

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Speaker 1: prior to this because it's not something I've researched. There's

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Speaker 1: no reason for me too, I mean, why would you

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Speaker 1: need to? Yeah, it wasn't directly affecting my life, So yeah,

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Speaker 1: I can't even I don't even know if you even

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Speaker 1: have an opinion, Yeah, because you never think why would you? Oh?

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Speaker 1: I mean that's interesting. Yeah, Um I was doing when

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Speaker 1: I was doing my research, turm, you I know, sometimes

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Speaker 1: people call prison wives ride a die bitches and you

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Speaker 1: hate that saying you know, I wish I could see

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Speaker 1: her face? Why is that? No? I can outstand that.

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Speaker 1: How are you gonna call like and I don't I

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Speaker 1: don't mean cuss look and write a die bitch? Really,

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Speaker 1: my husband would say, like, you shouldn't be riding or

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Speaker 1: dying with anybody, Like, like, gosh, first of all, you're

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Speaker 1: gonna have some standards in your life. You gotta have

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Speaker 1: what are your core values? What are your core Well?

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Speaker 1: I was like, core values? What do you stand for?

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Speaker 1: What do you believe in? Are you willing to let

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Speaker 1: I don't care how much you love somebody, but are

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Speaker 1: you willing to let somebody drag you down the path

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Speaker 1: that is not even in alignment with who you are?

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Speaker 1: I'm not going to fulfilling the action or do something

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Speaker 1: that is out of alignment with who I am. Like

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Speaker 1: if someone if you would to ask me, hey, can

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Speaker 1: you get some K or whatever? Can you mail us

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Speaker 1: a so and so? You know, if it's something that's

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Speaker 1: out of alignment with who I am, I'm not gonna

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Speaker 1: do it. And so that term right or die to me,

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Speaker 1: it signals that I'm willing to do anything, even if

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Speaker 1: it's out of who I am, is out of alignment

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Speaker 1: with who I am. You have And this is so

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Speaker 1: important to establish before they come home, because if you

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Speaker 1: establish the the the pattern that I'm willing to do

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Speaker 1: anything for you, I can't imagine how your relationship is

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Speaker 1: going to be when he comes home. Right, and you,

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Speaker 1: you're you, he's not really you're supporting him, but you're

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Speaker 1: not supporting him in a way that is going to

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Speaker 1: keep him home and out of prison. Mm hmm. And

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Speaker 1: and here's the other thing. I'm never obligated to stay

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Speaker 1: with somebody just because they're in prison. Right, like the

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Speaker 1: other saying I hate real queens, don't leave m h

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Speaker 1: what No, I'm gonna be a queen is still leave?

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Speaker 1: Like why why do I? How come is that I

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Speaker 1: have to stay in order to be a queen. Relationship

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Speaker 1: don't work, It don't work. I'm being treated the way

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Speaker 1: I want to be treated. I don't need to stay, right,

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Speaker 1: I don't need to make my look man, I'm not

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Speaker 1: gonna be here to people please or or put myself

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Speaker 1: in a position where I don't like caring about what

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Speaker 1: other people think about me. If I leave. Oh you

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Speaker 1: left him when he was down and out, Like, hell

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Speaker 1: yeah did? It wasn't right for me. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to do it. That don't mean I'm not queen anymore, right,

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Speaker 1: So I think people need to make decisions for themselves

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Speaker 1: and not and stop looking at what the community things

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Speaker 1: and looking at all these sayings. Do what's best for you.

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Speaker 1: Make the decision that's best for your life. Mm hmm.

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Speaker 1: And that's all I gonna say about that. What would

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Speaker 1: you say are some misconceptions of prison wives? Oh? M hm?

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Speaker 1: Oh you know what? I was happy to say that

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Speaker 1: we have low self esteem. Oh, yes, that's a y'all.

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Speaker 1: I was telling somebody, I'm like, oh, I'm so excited

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Speaker 1: about doing this um interview with you. And I was like, oh,

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Speaker 1: she's a prison wife coach. And a first thing this

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Speaker 1: girl said was she was that low self esteem. And

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Speaker 1: I said, where did you get that from? And she's like,

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Speaker 1: I'm just saying, how who want to be with somebody

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Speaker 1: that's in prison? I said, you know that there? I

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Speaker 1: mean that right, there's to talk about. She she has

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Speaker 1: zero I didn't wake up one day it was like

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Speaker 1: the perfect man for me is gonna be somebody in prison, right,

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Speaker 1: Like I had anticipated him going to prison while we

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Speaker 1: were together. Mm hmm like that. Granted he wasn't prisoned previously,

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Speaker 1: but he wasn't moving in that way. Mm hmm. But

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Speaker 1: did he know that My standards are a Look, if

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Speaker 1: you're gonna move that way, we can't be together, right.

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Speaker 1: And what happened was somebody threatened me, threatened my life

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Speaker 1: when I was pregnant. But I've never had any Look, man,

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Speaker 1: this is you don't just wake up one day. And now, granted,

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Speaker 1: there are some women, let's look, let's let's be straight.

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Speaker 1: There are some women out there who purposely will date

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Speaker 1: men in prison. That doesn't that exists that it's not

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Speaker 1: every situation. That is not something that that that that

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Speaker 1: most women are aspiring to do. Yes, they got problems.

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Speaker 1: They have a false perception of what a relationship should be.

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Speaker 1: Absolutely facts. I think the low self esteem was is

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Speaker 1: definitely the highest because I stepped to my husband, I'm

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Speaker 1: not doing this again. We can't do this again, right. No,

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Speaker 1: So that's probably the biggest one. And she should probably

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Speaker 1: come back and listen to this video. Well that's what

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Speaker 1: I said, I said, do you know the reason why

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Speaker 1: her husband was in jail, and she said, no, do

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Speaker 1: you I said, no, that's why you can't jump to conclusions.

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Speaker 1: I said, you gotta listen to the episode and find out.

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Speaker 1: I'm like, because you just can't judge the book by

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Speaker 1: its cover because of this negative stigma that's surrounded prison.

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Speaker 1: Everybody goes to prison is not all bad people. No, Well,

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Speaker 1: here's the thing but people have to realize is that

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Speaker 1: prison is what's considered what I considers modern day slavery. Right,

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Speaker 1: if you are a black, first of all, you should

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Speaker 1: understand why I shouldn't just say put it on black people,

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Speaker 1: this is American history. Well, if you're in marginalized communities, like,

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Speaker 1: come on, think about it. You were so basically just

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Speaker 1: telling me is I'm generalizing that a lot of black

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Speaker 1: women have low self esteem. The government purposely puts laws

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Speaker 1: in place to imprison brown and black people. Like, think

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Speaker 1: about it, Like, does she even realize what she's saying?

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Speaker 1: Because from slavery, we went to like the black holes

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Speaker 1: wherever we put laws in place where like if a

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Speaker 1: black man looked at a white woman in a certain way,

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Speaker 1: he could get thrown in jail or get lynch And

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Speaker 1: she was up here a lion and she's still old life.

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Speaker 1: Think about how people like think about the history of

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Speaker 1: our country. When slavery became illegal, there had we had

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Speaker 1: to find and that we they had to find another

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Speaker 1: way to get free labor. People in prison work for companies,

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Speaker 1: get paid pennies on the dollar, making furniture and doing

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Speaker 1: all kinds of other jobs. They seell this furniture at

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Speaker 1: full price. Yeah, so you you have to take the

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Speaker 1: end consideration, Well, how did they how did they get

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Speaker 1: the present exactly? I think you make. That's a excellent point. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: facts um. You also mentioned that you receive a lot

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Speaker 1: of negative feedback from people who didn't agree with you

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Speaker 1: becoming a prison wife coach and for charging your services.

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Speaker 1: Oh and I said, oh they are man, you know

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Speaker 1: what that is. That is something I had to get

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Speaker 1: past myself because me personally going through this myself being

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Speaker 1: a need or gap and something that's so needed when

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Speaker 1: we have two point two million people in cars for meted.

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Speaker 1: I have a passion for doing it right. I have

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Speaker 1: a family. I deserve to get paid for my time.

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Speaker 1: Facts right, I'm providing the same service a coach will

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Speaker 1: provide for somebody who's getting a divorce. Mm hmm, right,

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Speaker 1: like you have coaches for everything. You can find a

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Speaker 1: track and field coach, right, Why why should it be

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Speaker 1: any different than because my because my niece is working

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Speaker 1: with person lives? Why is why is it? Why is

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Speaker 1: it different now? And nobody was doing it before you?

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Speaker 1: So you definitely paved the way for other people to

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Speaker 1: say that they are coaches. Well, I can't say that

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Speaker 1: I'm the first person. There's other people in this space,

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Speaker 1: but everyone does does something kind of I guess, well,

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Speaker 1: it's hard to say, I would say support. There's lots

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Speaker 1: of court pages. I think you're the first person though,

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Speaker 1: because you're the only person that propped up and when

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Speaker 1: I did the timeline, you was the first person that

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Speaker 1: was like, I'm a prison wife coach. And then I

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Speaker 1: started seeing other people layer on doing the same thing,

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Speaker 1: but nobody was doing what you was doing. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: I say I'm not the first because it's other people

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Speaker 1: in the space who who put put out other information. UM. Now,

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Speaker 1: whether or not they have courses and stuff, I don't know, right,

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Speaker 1: but I know I know there's people who put out

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Speaker 1: information about you know, helping and and really UM have

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Speaker 1: support groups and things like that. So I don't some

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Speaker 1: mean personally I don't claim the title, but but we

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Speaker 1: know the girls they get it, get it. So but

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Speaker 1: I mean I do definitely have a goal of like

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Speaker 1: making it big. That's definitely something I wanna do because

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Speaker 1: I feel like it's so needed, like put me on Allen.

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Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, Well what are some of the services you offer?

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Speaker 1: So I am doing relationship coaching so you can do

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Speaker 1: coaching sessions even if your person is in prison still

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Speaker 1: or if you do coaching sessions, the waship coaching sessions

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Speaker 1: if your person is already home. And I think that's

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Speaker 1: so awesome because I don't know any service where you

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Speaker 1: can have at me do ever ationship coaching session with

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Speaker 1: your incarcerated spouse. So for me, that's exciting right now,

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00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,680
Speaker 1: that is exciting. Yeah, and then be able to continue

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Speaker 1: it because a lot like I remember me and my

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Speaker 1: husband did a program but it wasn't a relationship coaching

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Speaker 1: was like making a plan or something but was not

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Speaker 1: and it was there was so many boundaries around what

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Speaker 1: we could do. And if I got too busy to

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Speaker 1: do it, they kicked this right out of the program.

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Speaker 1: Like especially as a single mom. I mean that's that's hard.

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Speaker 1: So couples coaching. And then one of the favorite things

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Speaker 1: I love to do is this encouraging empowering women because

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Speaker 1: I want women to succeed even while their husband or

401
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:42,560
Speaker 1: boyfriends in prison. Right, So I offer life coaching, So

402
00:24:42,680 --> 00:24:45,840
Speaker 1: I focused on helping them learn how to thrive while

403
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Speaker 1: their person is incarcerated. So whether it's working on so

404
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:53,200
Speaker 1: it could depends. You could work on self worth, confidence,

405
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,280
Speaker 1: you need to help with your finances, things like that,

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Speaker 1: whatever it is you need to get the ball moving

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Speaker 1: for you. And a lot of it, honestly, is mindset.

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Speaker 1: Changing their mindset of what it means to live with someone.

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Speaker 1: I mean, to have a relationship with someone who's in

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Speaker 1: prison and breaking through all the stereotypes and breaking through

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Speaker 1: all the limiting beliefs that you have. So a lot

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Speaker 1: of people might think, like, for example, one girl I

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00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:22,240
Speaker 1: thought that, you know, it wasn't a good time to

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Speaker 1: go to school, and she had to wait until he

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Speaker 1: came home. I'm like, it's the perfect time to go

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Speaker 1: to school. So and you know what, and you don't

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00:25:30,320 --> 00:25:33,399
Speaker 1: realize that because when they come home, it's gonna be

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Speaker 1: that much harder. Do you think it's gonna be easier.

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Speaker 1: But just because our home doesn't mean it's gonna be easier.

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Speaker 1: Trust me, you're gonna have a whole another slew of

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Speaker 1: stress is to worry about. So those are the two

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Speaker 1: main things that I focus on. The self development for

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00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:50,919
Speaker 1: the for the spouse at home, and then a couple's coaching.

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Speaker 1: So let's start from the beginning. Tell us about the

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Speaker 1: day that changed your life. October ten team She got

426
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: the dates, um right, so gosh, that was my husband

427
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:12,600
Speaker 1: had left so to return the game and game stop

428
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:17,320
Speaker 1: and me and my I think my son was one

429
00:26:17,400 --> 00:26:19,920
Speaker 1: at the time or two. We were sitting there waiting

430
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:21,200
Speaker 1: for him because we were supposed to be going to

431
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:25,440
Speaker 1: a bar to go watch the Orioles play. I think

432
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:30,439
Speaker 1: the Orioles were in the playoffs baseball team. And my

433
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,439
Speaker 1: husband is the type of person who always calls me

434
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:35,760
Speaker 1: when he's late where you know, something happens, he lets

435
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:37,920
Speaker 1: me know. So a lot I was taking a lout

436
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:42,919
Speaker 1: a long time and long story short, you know, end up,

437
00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:47,840
Speaker 1: hours go by. I call friends, hospitals, even a police station,

438
00:26:48,560 --> 00:26:50,200
Speaker 1: and it gets to the point where it's like eleven

439
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:53,080
Speaker 1: o'clock at night and I'm literally calling the police to

440
00:26:53,119 --> 00:26:57,080
Speaker 1: my house and I called the police there to feel

441
00:26:57,080 --> 00:27:01,360
Speaker 1: out a missing person's report. M hmm. And the police

442
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:03,520
Speaker 1: offer the officer that came to my house like, oh,

443
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:06,000
Speaker 1: maybe he's party in, maybe he got drunk. I said, no,

444
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:12,399
Speaker 1: that the Nope, that's not it. And my greatest fear

445
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,760
Speaker 1: was that he was dead in the alleyway, alleyway somewhere.

446
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:20,560
Speaker 1: I literally thought that he was dead somewhere. And it

447
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:23,840
Speaker 1: was the worst feeling ever, the worst. You were pregnant.

448
00:27:23,840 --> 00:27:27,240
Speaker 1: You were five months pregnant when I was five months pregnant. Yes,

449
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:32,479
Speaker 1: I don't remember putting my son to bed. You know,

450
00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:37,840
Speaker 1: that was gosh. You know, it's crazy. That night the

451
00:27:37,840 --> 00:27:40,240
Speaker 1: police officer that showed up my door was actually the

452
00:27:40,440 --> 00:27:47,479
Speaker 1: husband of a high school friend. Oh wow, that was crazy.

453
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:55,120
Speaker 1: But um, that was that crazy? Is that random? I'm

454
00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:59,960
Speaker 1: not from here? Oh yeah, that's true. You're so from boss.

455
00:28:01,600 --> 00:28:05,639
Speaker 1: It was awkward. It made the situation, like I said, like,

456
00:28:05,920 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 1: it made the situation even weirder for me because he's

457
00:28:10,720 --> 00:28:14,640
Speaker 1: gonna go back and tell his wife. I mean we

458
00:28:14,640 --> 00:28:16,159
Speaker 1: were friends, Like, we're not friends now. I'm not to

459
00:28:16,160 --> 00:28:19,840
Speaker 1: say we're any anything. We just you know, but it's

460
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:22,120
Speaker 1: like that just made the in a couple of long. Look,

461
00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:24,160
Speaker 1: you know, it was just, oh gosh, it was interesting.

462
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:28,480
Speaker 1: But I don't know topic. But I don't know not

463
00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:32,720
Speaker 1: it makes sense though, because that's where that shame comes into. Yeah, yeah,

464
00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,360
Speaker 1: it was. It was interesting. It was weird for me.

465
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:38,160
Speaker 1: This was solely because this is somebody who's gonna have

466
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:42,280
Speaker 1: insight to my personal life. Now you know, there's some

467
00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:45,920
Speaker 1: type of connection to my personal life. But yeah, so,

468
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:53,600
Speaker 1: I mean the next day, I want to work. I

469
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:55,640
Speaker 1: went to work, but I wasn't there because I wasn't

470
00:28:55,680 --> 00:28:59,160
Speaker 1: there mentally, And it's crazy that I even went to work.

471
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,320
Speaker 1: I think that's just kind of a testament to myself

472
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:05,040
Speaker 1: that I, I don't know, I just have this perseverance

473
00:29:06,040 --> 00:29:09,880
Speaker 1: Gene and me, I guess because that was probably the

474
00:29:09,920 --> 00:29:12,040
Speaker 1: first thing that I did after my husband got locked

475
00:29:12,120 --> 00:29:18,000
Speaker 1: up that really showed my strength, even though at that

476
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:21,520
Speaker 1: point I didn't even know he was locked up. And

477
00:29:22,120 --> 00:29:23,760
Speaker 1: even though I don't remember where my son went. I

478
00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:25,000
Speaker 1: don't remember if I took him the work of me.

479
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:26,880
Speaker 1: I don't know if I dropped off with a grandmother's house.

480
00:29:26,920 --> 00:29:31,160
Speaker 1: I have no memory between those twelve hours. Because you

481
00:29:31,200 --> 00:29:34,960
Speaker 1: were just going through the motions I was. I'm pretty

482
00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:36,600
Speaker 1: sure I had appointments. I was a personal trainer at

483
00:29:36,600 --> 00:29:38,600
Speaker 1: the time, but who knows what kind of quality service

484
00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:45,880
Speaker 1: they got. And that's why that noon is when he

485
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,560
Speaker 1: called me the next day. So it was over twelve

486
00:29:49,560 --> 00:29:51,960
Speaker 1: hours from when I heard from him or seeing him last,

487
00:29:52,240 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: and that's when I found out that he had he

488
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:57,240
Speaker 1: had got locked up, and I'm just like, thank you Jesus,

489
00:29:57,240 --> 00:30:01,080
Speaker 1: he's alive. Right. And from then on, like I knew

490
00:30:01,160 --> 00:30:03,160
Speaker 1: nothing about the justice system. I knew nothing about getting

491
00:30:03,160 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 1: a lawyer. I knew nothing about nothing. And that was

492
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:09,520
Speaker 1: kind of my the start of my my downfall. Like

493
00:30:09,640 --> 00:30:12,720
Speaker 1: I got depressed, and you know, I just felt really

494
00:30:12,760 --> 00:30:14,840
Speaker 1: stuck in life. And like I said, I was breathing

495
00:30:15,640 --> 00:30:19,600
Speaker 1: mm hmm. I couldn't even like I had to do

496
00:30:19,720 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 1: child birth by myself. Yeah, I could see it in

497
00:30:26,560 --> 00:30:30,320
Speaker 1: your face, you like look reminiscent and stuff. Yo, man,

498
00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,760
Speaker 1: Like I see so many women going through the same thing,

499
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 1: pregnant and the man gets locked up. It's just and

500
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:43,360
Speaker 1: that was our that was our second child. And I

501
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,720
Speaker 1: wonder because they my second child and my husband back,

502
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:52,400
Speaker 1: they they're like they fight all the time. You think

503
00:30:52,440 --> 00:30:55,040
Speaker 1: that has something to do with it. I would have

504
00:30:55,120 --> 00:30:58,160
Speaker 1: to think. My husband was present for our first child.

505
00:30:58,760 --> 00:31:02,080
Speaker 1: He was present for a third child. Oh, the second child,

506
00:31:01,880 --> 00:31:05,000
Speaker 1: he was gone. Yeah, he I was pregnant, so he

507
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:07,560
Speaker 1: missed the birth. Matter of fact, he of court. He

508
00:31:07,640 --> 00:31:11,600
Speaker 1: was in court. I think that day and that's how

509
00:31:11,600 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 1: you found out. I think I don't know. I'm trying

510
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:16,800
Speaker 1: to remember, but either he had court the day after,

511
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,600
Speaker 1: the morning after. I can't remember. It's hard to remember.

512
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:23,920
Speaker 1: I had to say, this is they don't talk about this,

513
00:31:23,960 --> 00:31:26,600
Speaker 1: but the person at home goes through trauma and I'm

514
00:31:26,640 --> 00:31:29,360
Speaker 1: just not realizing this. I was going through trauma. We

515
00:31:29,440 --> 00:31:31,600
Speaker 1: talked about the trauma of the person in prison goes through,

516
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:33,200
Speaker 1: but not the trauma that the person the wife at

517
00:31:33,240 --> 00:31:37,560
Speaker 1: home goes through. There's a reason why I can't remember nothing. Yeah,

518
00:31:37,880 --> 00:31:42,480
Speaker 1: it's called like a mental blockage, because when something is traumatized,

519
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,600
Speaker 1: that's how you protect yourself. You just don't remember and

520
00:31:45,640 --> 00:31:49,760
Speaker 1: you really Yeah, I literally have blocks of time I

521
00:31:49,840 --> 00:31:53,560
Speaker 1: don't remember. Look, I mean I remember that the key

522
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:56,840
Speaker 1: main things, but like, yeah, it's it's crazy and I

523
00:31:56,840 --> 00:32:00,640
Speaker 1: feel bad that I don't have these memory reason for

524
00:32:00,720 --> 00:32:05,360
Speaker 1: my second son, Like I feel it hurts to say that. Um,

525
00:32:05,400 --> 00:32:09,560
Speaker 1: but the answer the question, I feel like his absence,

526
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:17,120
Speaker 1: that bonding that he missed out on, has negatively impacted

527
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:24,320
Speaker 1: their relationship, and especially too because they're very alike. They

528
00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:26,920
Speaker 1: missed I mean they talk about the bonding when we

529
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 1: look at science like research, when they talk about the

530
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,480
Speaker 1: bonding pier when when the uh, not just a human

531
00:32:31,480 --> 00:32:34,960
Speaker 1: but the animals first born, right, and then they never

532
00:32:35,000 --> 00:32:40,080
Speaker 1: had that though they had a relationship, They've never you

533
00:32:40,120 --> 00:32:43,239
Speaker 1: know what, fact, they never touched. Maybe they get one

534
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:46,200
Speaker 1: hug when they after visits over when they go visit him,

535
00:32:46,280 --> 00:32:49,360
Speaker 1: you know, there's no physical bonding. Oh my gosh. I

536
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:52,160
Speaker 1: didn't even think about this, but like he can never

537
00:32:52,200 --> 00:32:57,360
Speaker 1: embrace him, m m, truly embrace. Think about are you

538
00:32:57,400 --> 00:33:02,320
Speaker 1: a mother? No, not yet, but think about like maybe

539
00:33:03,440 --> 00:33:06,000
Speaker 1: you know the way a mother embraces their child right

540
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:09,840
Speaker 1: is very important. Though there's never that bond was never there.

541
00:33:10,160 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 1: It's funny, I've never had this conversation, but now I'm

542
00:33:12,040 --> 00:33:16,560
Speaker 1: start thinking about it, Like, yeah, so I think it

543
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:21,080
Speaker 1: put a strain on their relationship. Um, definitely, do you

544
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,720
Speaker 1: think it can be repaired? I think anything can be

545
00:33:23,760 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 1: repaired definitely. Um and Yah. That's part of the reason,

546
00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:32,640
Speaker 1: just understanding relationships. That's why I went back to school

547
00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:39,640
Speaker 1: to learn about relationships. Um And through my process, I've

548
00:33:39,720 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 1: learned that relationships really are the cornerstone of health and happiness. Facts.

549
00:33:47,720 --> 00:33:50,480
Speaker 1: We talk about what you eat, you talk about exercise,

550
00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:53,440
Speaker 1: and you talk about sleep. Right, think about all the

551
00:33:53,480 --> 00:33:56,560
Speaker 1: things that we consider that we have to do in

552
00:33:56,640 --> 00:33:59,920
Speaker 1: order to be healthy. I'd be the first person that

553
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:02,240
Speaker 1: tell you that that is not it is that. Yes,

554
00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:08,040
Speaker 1: that's important. But when my relationship was in turmoil, my

555
00:34:08,200 --> 00:34:12,560
Speaker 1: stress level shot up. There's not no amount of healthy

556
00:34:12,600 --> 00:34:17,040
Speaker 1: food or adequate sleep that could combat a unhealthy relationship.

557
00:34:18,560 --> 00:34:20,680
Speaker 1: I don't care how many hours to sleep you get

558
00:34:21,800 --> 00:34:25,920
Speaker 1: or how well you eat, it just doesn't work. And

559
00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:28,480
Speaker 1: this is totally missing from everything most people have to

560
00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,960
Speaker 1: be talking about. Relationships totally shifted. My experience is totally shifted.

561
00:34:33,000 --> 00:34:36,480
Speaker 1: What it means to be healthy, right, It's not just

562
00:34:36,520 --> 00:34:40,080
Speaker 1: about fitness and all the other stuff. And the more

563
00:34:40,160 --> 00:34:42,160
Speaker 1: I dive into it and more I realized, you know,

564
00:34:42,400 --> 00:34:46,120
Speaker 1: your thoughts right when a person is in prison and

565
00:34:46,160 --> 00:34:49,319
Speaker 1: they don't call you, your thoughts are like, oh my god,

566
00:34:49,320 --> 00:34:52,239
Speaker 1: did you get hurt? Did you get stabbed? Block up?

567
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:55,480
Speaker 1: What happened? Yo? That those thoughts send me into an

568
00:34:55,520 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 1: anxious Um, now I'm gonna call it an episode, but

569
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:06,719
Speaker 1: like immediately that thought immediately because now you're worrying. Yes, yes,

570
00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:11,279
Speaker 1: so and that so that relationship with my husband and

571
00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:14,840
Speaker 1: me worrying about him, all that impacted my health. It

572
00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:18,239
Speaker 1: impacted my ability to work. So now we're diving into

573
00:35:18,280 --> 00:35:21,560
Speaker 1: me being able to financially provide for my my, my family,

574
00:35:21,600 --> 00:35:25,880
Speaker 1: my children. Remember I went into work stress. You know

575
00:35:25,960 --> 00:35:31,000
Speaker 1: what I didn't do. I didn't talk to people. I

576
00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 1: avoided people. You can't avoid people when you're a personal trainer, right, Like,

577
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:43,520
Speaker 1: talking and creating relationships is the basis behind making money

578
00:35:43,520 --> 00:35:48,760
Speaker 1: in that field, creating relationships besides the actual skill level,

579
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:52,239
Speaker 1: right right, So and getting back to relationships. Relationships is

580
00:35:52,239 --> 00:35:57,480
Speaker 1: that is the basis for everything. Mm hmm right, so

581
00:35:58,480 --> 00:36:01,600
Speaker 1: one creating relationships and me taining healthy relationships. When it's

582
00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:12,200
Speaker 1: not working, you're unhappy and as Yeah, for sure, you

583
00:36:12,239 --> 00:36:15,120
Speaker 1: know what, there was a lady I don't say her name,

584
00:36:15,200 --> 00:36:18,960
Speaker 1: but I used to talk to a lot when her

585
00:36:19,040 --> 00:36:23,040
Speaker 1: husband was in prison. And you don't really see it

586
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:27,480
Speaker 1: into after they're they're happier, they're no longer together. But

587
00:36:28,000 --> 00:36:32,319
Speaker 1: when I saw her, um, after she let everything go

588
00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:34,120
Speaker 1: and said he was on this. I mean, they're still

589
00:36:34,120 --> 00:36:36,160
Speaker 1: friends and stuff. But when she let that go, that

590
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:39,799
Speaker 1: that relationship go, that was burdening here so much. She

591
00:36:40,000 --> 00:36:44,520
Speaker 1: looked like a completely different person, like just something that

592
00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:49,040
Speaker 1: physically changed about her. Is she know within this um

593
00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:53,719
Speaker 1: this community? No? Not really, Okay, because I'm reading this

594
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:56,719
Speaker 1: one book I was. I wanted to finish it before

595
00:36:57,040 --> 00:37:02,439
Speaker 1: our interview, our conversation, but she is known as being

596
00:37:02,440 --> 00:37:05,239
Speaker 1: with somebody who's like really known within this industry, like

597
00:37:05,280 --> 00:37:08,279
Speaker 1: he was incarcerated and now he like he's like a

598
00:37:08,320 --> 00:37:11,719
Speaker 1: public speaker. He's been an over child. I was like,

599
00:37:11,719 --> 00:37:16,360
Speaker 1: oh wow, but they're no longer to get together. Yeah,

600
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:19,319
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get your name in the book once we

601
00:37:19,360 --> 00:37:21,280
Speaker 1: get off, because you probably know what I'm talking about.

602
00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:27,400
Speaker 1: How is it? Who is it? You're gonna wait to

603
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:34,000
Speaker 1: be done? Yeah, yes, I'm okay, okay, okay, but um,

604
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,719
Speaker 1: let me before we continue. You mentioned that somebody threatened you.

605
00:37:37,760 --> 00:37:41,160
Speaker 1: Did they threaten you after he went away? Over before?

606
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:43,279
Speaker 1: That had to do with the whole story of him

607
00:37:43,280 --> 00:37:47,240
Speaker 1: going away Okay, that's what I thought. M h okay,

608
00:37:47,320 --> 00:37:51,879
Speaker 1: so he was defending his wife. Yeah, but I mean

609
00:37:51,920 --> 00:37:55,239
Speaker 1: even in that whole story though, you know, as you

610
00:37:55,760 --> 00:37:59,279
Speaker 1: let me look back onto the whole experience and we

611
00:37:59,360 --> 00:38:01,920
Speaker 1: spoke about like that, do you really think that he

612
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:03,960
Speaker 1: was gonna kill me? And like do you you know?

613
00:38:04,800 --> 00:38:09,040
Speaker 1: And you know that's not something to play with though no, no,

614
00:38:09,200 --> 00:38:12,040
Speaker 1: I mean especially because this person was. The sad part

615
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:21,120
Speaker 1: is they were family, right, And yeah, I'd have to

616
00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:26,640
Speaker 1: speak on decision making because I think looking back, he

617
00:38:26,640 --> 00:38:28,640
Speaker 1: can probably say that, you know, maybe if I handled

618
00:38:28,640 --> 00:38:33,600
Speaker 1: a situation differently, that wouldn't have happened, but ship hindsight.

619
00:38:35,360 --> 00:38:46,640
Speaker 1: But at the same time, um, it's odd because and

620
00:38:46,680 --> 00:38:48,239
Speaker 1: I don't want to tell the whole story because it's

621
00:38:48,239 --> 00:38:51,120
Speaker 1: not my story to tell. But when he actually got

622
00:38:51,160 --> 00:38:54,360
Speaker 1: locked up for I didn't even have anything to do

623
00:38:54,480 --> 00:38:56,520
Speaker 1: with that because he was en route to go see

624
00:38:56,600 --> 00:39:03,000
Speaker 1: him mm hmm. But something else transpired on a way

625
00:39:03,040 --> 00:39:08,719
Speaker 1: there with the person he was going with. But here's

626
00:39:08,719 --> 00:39:11,440
Speaker 1: the thing. When you have people around you, Oh I

627
00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:14,239
Speaker 1: get what you're saying, I know what happened, or have

628
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:16,840
Speaker 1: an idea what happened, you have to be very aware

629
00:39:16,840 --> 00:39:19,400
Speaker 1: of your surroundings and people who are you with. So

630
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:23,600
Speaker 1: and and I used to guilt trip myself all the time, like, damn,

631
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:25,239
Speaker 1: if I had put my foot down about him being

632
00:39:25,239 --> 00:39:28,320
Speaker 1: around this person, he wouldn't have gotten the idea of

633
00:39:28,440 --> 00:39:31,799
Speaker 1: to go meet up with this dude and confront him.

634
00:39:31,840 --> 00:39:33,799
Speaker 1: And you know what I'm saying, like or if the

635
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:36,320
Speaker 1: guy just wasn't around him, maybe things would have been different.

636
00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:38,959
Speaker 1: But I was gonna say, like my husband says that

637
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:42,319
Speaker 1: he not he doesn't call it a blessing, that's not

638
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:46,000
Speaker 1: the word he used. But he's thinking like if that

639
00:39:46,040 --> 00:39:49,839
Speaker 1: event did not transpire on the way there, he could

640
00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:51,799
Speaker 1: have been in prison for life because his mind was

641
00:39:51,840 --> 00:39:55,240
Speaker 1: probably like if that dude was with him, I couldn't

642
00:39:55,239 --> 00:40:00,040
Speaker 1: only imagine what was gonna happen, right, right, because what

643
00:40:00,040 --> 00:40:03,880
Speaker 1: what I know about him? Right? So, he he almost

644
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,960
Speaker 1: talked about it as if you know, you know, it

645
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:12,239
Speaker 1: happened for a reason kind of thing. So did you

646
00:40:12,320 --> 00:40:18,440
Speaker 1: ever debate on leaving him? Uh? No, because here's the

647
00:40:18,440 --> 00:40:23,279
Speaker 1: the while he was in prison. No, when he came home, Yes,

648
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:28,320
Speaker 1: here's the thing. So, but I'm but you're probably asking

649
00:40:28,320 --> 00:40:30,400
Speaker 1: about the prison part, right because I might ask you

650
00:40:30,480 --> 00:40:34,959
Speaker 1: about that part later on, but go ahead, um, while

651
00:40:35,040 --> 00:40:38,400
Speaker 1: he was in prison. No, And the reason or my

652
00:40:38,520 --> 00:40:42,200
Speaker 1: justification is because I had to come up with a

653
00:40:42,239 --> 00:40:46,160
Speaker 1: way of justifying whether what was you know, I never

654
00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:50,080
Speaker 1: had the urge to leave, but I had to give

655
00:40:50,120 --> 00:40:54,160
Speaker 1: myself some type of standard. And my standard was if

656
00:40:54,200 --> 00:40:56,880
Speaker 1: he was not taking action to becoming a better person,

657
00:40:58,320 --> 00:41:04,920
Speaker 1: then no, I can't be with him. But my initial

658
00:41:05,120 --> 00:41:08,360
Speaker 1: thought wasn't I'm leaving him. That That never really, that

659
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:14,640
Speaker 1: never occurred, but establishing some type of standard did. And

660
00:41:14,719 --> 00:41:20,239
Speaker 1: that was my standard, you know, because nobody's perfect, not

661
00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:24,719
Speaker 1: even myself. I'm gonna come back around to that too.

662
00:41:25,040 --> 00:41:32,960
Speaker 1: But I think just allowing people an opportunity to move

663
00:41:32,960 --> 00:41:36,719
Speaker 1: in the right direction, because you could have a great

664
00:41:36,760 --> 00:41:38,920
Speaker 1: man in your hand, but he's not. Men are perfect,

665
00:41:38,920 --> 00:41:40,920
Speaker 1: women are perfect, but you have to give people the

666
00:41:40,960 --> 00:41:46,840
Speaker 1: opportunity to show growth or to grow period. And I

667
00:41:46,840 --> 00:41:48,680
Speaker 1: want to double back around what I'm saying that I'm

668
00:41:48,680 --> 00:41:52,520
Speaker 1: not perfect, and I feel like sometimes the mentality of

669
00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:56,120
Speaker 1: the wives or the husbands, whoever's at home supporting that.

670
00:41:56,160 --> 00:42:00,960
Speaker 1: In carcetray, you know, spouse sometimes have as a tendency

671
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,399
Speaker 1: to take the high road and feel like they're better

672
00:42:03,440 --> 00:42:07,840
Speaker 1: than them, or they know more, or that that was

673
00:42:07,880 --> 00:42:12,040
Speaker 1: the person that's making all the mistakes right, And sometimes

674
00:42:12,120 --> 00:42:15,839
Speaker 1: that can be damning to your relationship mm hmm. And

675
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:21,960
Speaker 1: sometimes you are blinded to your own faults. Yeah, and

676
00:42:22,000 --> 00:42:24,799
Speaker 1: this is something I had to learn when he came home. No,

677
00:42:25,960 --> 00:42:29,839
Speaker 1: the relationship isn't rocky just because he's in prison. It's

678
00:42:29,960 --> 00:42:32,919
Speaker 1: rocky because you play a part in it as well.

679
00:42:33,719 --> 00:42:37,640
Speaker 1: Mm hmm. And the one thing that I was the

680
00:42:37,719 --> 00:42:41,439
Speaker 1: spouses at home to realize is that they have more

681
00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:47,759
Speaker 1: power in their relationship than they realize. Um. And sometimes

682
00:42:47,760 --> 00:42:50,719
Speaker 1: they feel like if something's going wrong, it's the incarcerated

683
00:42:50,760 --> 00:42:54,479
Speaker 1: person's fault. But when you do that, you take away

684
00:42:54,560 --> 00:43:00,279
Speaker 1: all your power. And that's in any relationship. When you

685
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:03,040
Speaker 1: view the other person as the person as the source

686
00:43:03,080 --> 00:43:08,360
Speaker 1: of the problem, you're saying basically that anything I do,

687
00:43:08,239 --> 00:43:12,840
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. Do a little part of you felt

688
00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:14,719
Speaker 1: like you had to stay as well because he was

689
00:43:14,760 --> 00:43:19,399
Speaker 1: going to the fenor honor And no, no, absolutely not.

690
00:43:21,200 --> 00:43:24,319
Speaker 1: You You're like you're not, but you never thought about that.

691
00:43:25,600 --> 00:43:30,839
Speaker 1: Never mm hmm. That's a good question. Never. And here's

692
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:33,360
Speaker 1: the other thing. I never even knew. You see, I

693
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:35,080
Speaker 1: come from a different state of mind in him. He

694
00:43:35,160 --> 00:43:38,680
Speaker 1: came from the streets. I did not. So my perspective

695
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,480
Speaker 1: is over here, like, well, how could we have avoided

696
00:43:41,520 --> 00:43:45,439
Speaker 1: this situation? Like no, I mean, I don't m hmm.

697
00:43:45,600 --> 00:43:47,400
Speaker 1: And that's what he felt like he had to do.

698
00:43:47,640 --> 00:43:50,800
Speaker 1: But from his perspective, because he felt like he was honoring,

699
00:43:51,640 --> 00:43:53,360
Speaker 1: because he felt like he was, you know, it was

700
00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:57,960
Speaker 1: defending me, he doesn't understand the moves that I was making. Right.

701
00:43:59,080 --> 00:44:02,200
Speaker 1: That's a good question because his perspective is like, did

702
00:44:02,239 --> 00:44:08,560
Speaker 1: this for her? Right? But both sides aren't seeing things

703
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:13,399
Speaker 1: from the same perspective. So until you come to an understanding,

704
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:17,760
Speaker 1: you know, and really understand where people are coming from,

705
00:44:17,800 --> 00:44:20,520
Speaker 1: you will clash. If that's if that's you know, if

706
00:44:20,719 --> 00:44:23,120
Speaker 1: if that is part of their story, they will always

707
00:44:23,160 --> 00:44:29,160
Speaker 1: clash and they actually talk about it. But yeah, So

708
00:44:29,320 --> 00:44:32,880
Speaker 1: once everyone started to find out that your husband was

709
00:44:32,920 --> 00:44:37,520
Speaker 1: in his jail, how did you block out the negativity,

710
00:44:37,840 --> 00:44:42,160
Speaker 1: especially especially when you made the decision to stay with him. Um,

711
00:44:42,280 --> 00:44:46,000
Speaker 1: here's the thing I can't tell you. I Like I said,

712
00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:50,600
Speaker 1: I and a person who naturally is positive, I think

713
00:44:50,640 --> 00:44:53,120
Speaker 1: that's just one of my gifts that I have a

714
00:44:53,120 --> 00:44:57,560
Speaker 1: tendency to see the good, excuse me, and the positive

715
00:44:57,600 --> 00:45:01,560
Speaker 1: and a lot of things. And I carried myself in

716
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:05,759
Speaker 1: a way like you know, I would consider myself a

717
00:45:05,800 --> 00:45:11,719
Speaker 1: person who has good confidence. You know, I never gave

718
00:45:11,840 --> 00:45:18,400
Speaker 1: off the impression that I didn't want to be with him,

719
00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:21,239
Speaker 1: or that he was a bad person, or that I

720
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:24,400
Speaker 1: was that I was questioning anything then that I probably

721
00:45:24,400 --> 00:45:27,360
Speaker 1: never resonated because I never felt that way. So in

722
00:45:27,480 --> 00:45:29,960
Speaker 1: my personal situation, I don't think I got a lot

723
00:45:30,000 --> 00:45:33,560
Speaker 1: of negative No one ever approached me that way because

724
00:45:33,560 --> 00:45:37,279
Speaker 1: I never carried myself that way. I got the occasional

725
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:40,279
Speaker 1: you're too beautiful to be with somebody in prison kind

726
00:45:40,280 --> 00:45:48,399
Speaker 1: of statements. But I made a point to live my life. Yo,

727
00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:51,080
Speaker 1: you can't tell me I didn't do do my thing

728
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:53,200
Speaker 1: while he was in prison. Now, I ain't gonna liue

729
00:45:53,200 --> 00:45:55,120
Speaker 1: when I was gonna do your videos. I said, once

730
00:45:55,160 --> 00:45:58,400
Speaker 1: you snapped out of your like the depression and like

731
00:45:58,520 --> 00:46:01,239
Speaker 1: the anxiety stuff, Oh you on a roll. You got

732
00:46:01,239 --> 00:46:04,480
Speaker 1: that body together. I didn't even cut your hairt that

733
00:46:04,600 --> 00:46:06,600
Speaker 1: you had dress, you cut the mob that your hair

734
00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:08,960
Speaker 1: grow like you wish. It was just non stop for you,

735
00:46:09,440 --> 00:46:11,719
Speaker 1: m M. But can I address one thing because I

736
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:13,520
Speaker 1: know I didn't really answer your question, and I know

737
00:46:13,719 --> 00:46:15,680
Speaker 1: that's a point a lot of people probably want to

738
00:46:15,719 --> 00:46:18,560
Speaker 1: hear answer to. And I want to say, if you're

739
00:46:18,600 --> 00:46:23,120
Speaker 1: struggling with people giving giving you negative feedback, you have

740
00:46:23,200 --> 00:46:25,560
Speaker 1: to bring it look back at yourself. How are you

741
00:46:25,600 --> 00:46:30,080
Speaker 1: carrying yourself? Um, when you're confident, ensure of what you want,

742
00:46:30,640 --> 00:46:34,000
Speaker 1: that will disappear. No different than men knew not to

743
00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:36,440
Speaker 1: talk to me because I was faithful in my my marriage.

744
00:46:37,080 --> 00:46:39,360
Speaker 1: They would try it first, but they saw how I

745
00:46:39,440 --> 00:46:42,479
Speaker 1: was solid and my response was always the same. Once

746
00:46:42,520 --> 00:46:47,040
Speaker 1: they see they they only when you're teetering, will people

747
00:46:47,040 --> 00:46:50,759
Speaker 1: continue to throw fire at you? Yeah? Right, They want

748
00:46:50,760 --> 00:46:53,920
Speaker 1: to see if you're gonna fold exactly. But if I

749
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:56,560
Speaker 1: keep coming at you the same boom boom boom, eventually

750
00:46:56,560 --> 00:47:00,480
Speaker 1: it's gonna stop. They like they know. So even though

751
00:47:00,480 --> 00:47:03,000
Speaker 1: my husband man have had a fear like, no, I

752
00:47:03,040 --> 00:47:04,920
Speaker 1: had no problems. And even if I did, my focus

753
00:47:04,960 --> 00:47:07,960
Speaker 1: wasn't there, so I had blindfolds. I'm very focused oriented.

754
00:47:08,320 --> 00:47:11,520
Speaker 1: If I have a set goal and I'm trying to

755
00:47:11,560 --> 00:47:14,239
Speaker 1: focus on, I don't see nothing else. So I made

756
00:47:14,360 --> 00:47:16,120
Speaker 1: people may be throwing darts at me, but I don't

757
00:47:16,120 --> 00:47:20,839
Speaker 1: see it, right, So yeah, but yeah, I mean, now

758
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:22,880
Speaker 1: that's part of the reason why I was successful. And

759
00:47:23,719 --> 00:47:29,920
Speaker 1: like you were talking about the fitness, like I won

760
00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:35,319
Speaker 1: my first fitness competition as a single mom with two babies, right,

761
00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:39,560
Speaker 1: And it's not because I had the most time or

762
00:47:39,600 --> 00:47:43,680
Speaker 1: I was the happiest or whatever other advantage you may think.

763
00:47:46,080 --> 00:47:49,000
Speaker 1: It was because I didn't let that stuff creeping as

764
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:54,000
Speaker 1: an excuse. All right, I didn't let it be an

765
00:47:54,040 --> 00:47:57,400
Speaker 1: excuse for not winning. And y'all, when I tell you

766
00:47:57,440 --> 00:48:01,399
Speaker 1: her body was snatched and then photo, I said, come on, now,

767
00:48:02,320 --> 00:48:04,319
Speaker 1: I know your husband was like, no, I have heard

768
00:48:04,400 --> 00:48:08,560
Speaker 1: him get home. No, no, no, no, let me tell you.

769
00:48:08,560 --> 00:48:12,680
Speaker 1: Look when I first looked, when I first told him

770
00:48:12,680 --> 00:48:16,960
Speaker 1: what I was doing, and he was like, no, think

771
00:48:17,000 --> 00:48:19,200
Speaker 1: about it. He's in prison. He can't really see me,

772
00:48:19,239 --> 00:48:23,400
Speaker 1: he can't touch me. But all these other men have

773
00:48:23,480 --> 00:48:26,359
Speaker 1: at least an opportunity or a chance, and they're gonna

774
00:48:26,360 --> 00:48:28,480
Speaker 1: be seeing me and he can't be there. He's not

775
00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 1: gonna be there to experience this with me. Show And

776
00:48:31,880 --> 00:48:34,840
Speaker 1: I said, look at her, this body, I said, schill.

777
00:48:37,480 --> 00:48:39,600
Speaker 1: So but for him, though it wasn't something that he

778
00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:43,120
Speaker 1: was supportive of the first But it wasn't until he

779
00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:46,680
Speaker 1: realized that me going after my dreams and goals was

780
00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:49,719
Speaker 1: gonna make our life better. In order for me to

781
00:48:49,719 --> 00:48:52,000
Speaker 1: be there mentally for him, I had to go. I

782
00:48:52,040 --> 00:48:54,560
Speaker 1: had to do for me what I needed to do

783
00:48:54,920 --> 00:48:59,160
Speaker 1: right right. So what were some of the fears and

784
00:48:59,280 --> 00:49:03,520
Speaker 1: challenges you base in the beginning as a newly prison wife. Oh,

785
00:49:03,719 --> 00:49:06,000
Speaker 1: some of the fears and challenges I definitely Number one

786
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:10,920
Speaker 1: was finances. Yeah. Um, those first couple of months, it

787
00:49:11,000 --> 00:49:14,040
Speaker 1: was just me scrambling to reduce my bills anyway I

788
00:49:14,080 --> 00:49:16,640
Speaker 1: could because at the time I had just started working

789
00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:19,640
Speaker 1: as a personal trainer. My husband paid majority of the

790
00:49:19,719 --> 00:49:22,360
Speaker 1: bills because he owned his own business, and you know,

791
00:49:22,400 --> 00:49:25,080
Speaker 1: he was doing well when I had just started. So

792
00:49:25,120 --> 00:49:29,440
Speaker 1: I'm making like pennies and so thankfully, because I was

793
00:49:29,480 --> 00:49:32,520
Speaker 1: really good with money, I had actually put myself ahead

794
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:35,479
Speaker 1: on bills like my student loans. I was a whole

795
00:49:35,520 --> 00:49:39,040
Speaker 1: year ahead. Girl. You don't know how happy I was

796
00:49:39,120 --> 00:49:44,200
Speaker 1: when Sally Mary said, yah, you know, yeah, that's oh

797
00:49:44,239 --> 00:49:47,880
Speaker 1: my God, thank you Jesus, right, stuff like that. My

798
00:49:47,920 --> 00:49:50,279
Speaker 1: good habits is what saved me in that avenue and

799
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,640
Speaker 1: then budgeting because I end up saving more money without

800
00:49:53,760 --> 00:49:57,920
Speaker 1: him then while he was home, which is crazy. So

801
00:49:58,640 --> 00:50:00,200
Speaker 1: that was one thing, and then the other. The thing

802
00:50:00,239 --> 00:50:02,920
Speaker 1: is just living in fear of somebody finding out that

803
00:50:03,000 --> 00:50:08,000
Speaker 1: my husband was locked up, especially because of where I worked. Um,

804
00:50:08,040 --> 00:50:11,920
Speaker 1: I worked in a predominantly white jim large Jewish population.

805
00:50:12,840 --> 00:50:18,200
Speaker 1: Some of the women were kind of like, yeah, very stush, yeah.

806
00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:21,239
Speaker 1: And I was just fear of people looking down on me.

807
00:50:22,680 --> 00:50:27,040
Speaker 1: Uh and just you know how that was gonna affect

808
00:50:27,040 --> 00:50:31,600
Speaker 1: me in my confidence. I think those were the two

809
00:50:31,600 --> 00:50:38,120
Speaker 1: major things. Yeah, were you afraid to go visiting him

810
00:50:38,280 --> 00:50:42,040
Speaker 1: or take your kids to go visiting him? Um? No,

811
00:50:42,280 --> 00:50:45,000
Speaker 1: I want to say it. Uh, wait a minute, I

812
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:46,720
Speaker 1: don't know if I phrase is the right right word,

813
00:50:46,760 --> 00:50:51,200
Speaker 1: but I would say I was afraid of this experience

814
00:50:51,600 --> 00:50:57,640
Speaker 1: negatively impacting my children's future, right, so making a decision

815
00:50:58,080 --> 00:51:00,680
Speaker 1: is it the best to take our kids to go

816
00:51:01,200 --> 00:51:06,480
Speaker 1: visit him? But I think I'm fortunate because my children

817
00:51:06,520 --> 00:51:10,920
Speaker 1: were so young that by the time he gets home,

818
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:15,320
Speaker 1: you know, he's not missing the bulk of their like

819
00:51:15,440 --> 00:51:22,319
Speaker 1: adolescents and you know, teenage years. And honestly, my fear

820
00:51:22,400 --> 00:51:27,360
Speaker 1: went away when I went to a webinar. I'm always

821
00:51:27,400 --> 00:51:30,960
Speaker 1: researching and always looking for educational things to help me grow,

822
00:51:31,880 --> 00:51:34,680
Speaker 1: and I went to a webinar hosted Vibe doctor Batha

823
00:51:34,920 --> 00:51:40,239
Speaker 1: Bathea Mohammed from Howard University. On this webinar, I know

824
00:51:40,320 --> 00:51:43,240
Speaker 1: he's talking about she's super dope. She teaches uh African

825
00:51:43,280 --> 00:51:46,320
Speaker 1: American Studies or something there. H well, she's in criminal

826
00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:50,520
Speaker 1: justice that class too, but um, she definitely does criminal

827
00:51:50,560 --> 00:51:54,640
Speaker 1: justice super dope. Yeah. And she brought on some children

828
00:51:54,640 --> 00:51:57,480
Speaker 1: of the incarcerated and they were doing so well, and

829
00:51:57,520 --> 00:52:00,760
Speaker 1: she presented research that you know, being open and honest

830
00:52:00,800 --> 00:52:05,200
Speaker 1: about what's happening does not negatively impact the children. That

831
00:52:05,280 --> 00:52:08,239
Speaker 1: was the day that I changed my perception of exposing

832
00:52:08,280 --> 00:52:10,799
Speaker 1: my children to the truth. Because I was praying. When

833
00:52:10,800 --> 00:52:13,080
Speaker 1: I was in line with the other women, they throwing

834
00:52:13,160 --> 00:52:16,280
Speaker 1: words out like prison and all. And I think God

835
00:52:16,360 --> 00:52:20,160
Speaker 1: just must have covered the ears because they didn't realize

836
00:52:20,160 --> 00:52:22,399
Speaker 1: that he was in prison until maybe six months where

837
00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:25,160
Speaker 1: he came home and my second son was like, I

838
00:52:25,239 --> 00:52:33,200
Speaker 1: we had a prison. I was like, UM, like, so

839
00:52:34,160 --> 00:52:38,040
Speaker 1: you know, I don't know. I just was fortunate and gosh,

840
00:52:38,080 --> 00:52:41,000
Speaker 1: but knowing what I know now about you, know, um

841
00:52:41,120 --> 00:52:43,759
Speaker 1: attachment theory and things like that that I've learned about

842
00:52:43,840 --> 00:52:47,400
Speaker 1: during my relationship course. I know that, yes, him not

843
00:52:47,520 --> 00:52:50,799
Speaker 1: being there in a strange relationship that my children had

844
00:52:50,840 --> 00:52:56,239
Speaker 1: does affect you know, them growing up in them and

845
00:52:56,239 --> 00:52:58,040
Speaker 1: what they're you know, how they look at themselves and

846
00:52:58,080 --> 00:53:01,880
Speaker 1: things like that, especially that second child who missed out

847
00:53:02,400 --> 00:53:06,239
Speaker 1: having him here during birth and his infant years, and

848
00:53:07,080 --> 00:53:09,439
Speaker 1: you know, I think he was five when he came home.

849
00:53:10,760 --> 00:53:14,480
Speaker 1: So they had to learn each other, right, they had

850
00:53:14,480 --> 00:53:18,839
Speaker 1: to figure each out. They were like almost like strangers. Yeah,

851
00:53:19,680 --> 00:53:22,439
Speaker 1: they are what they were, but they weren't strangers because

852
00:53:22,480 --> 00:53:24,520
Speaker 1: you know, I took the children visited all the time.

853
00:53:24,600 --> 00:53:28,839
Speaker 1: But it's just that Bond wasn't there. He only knows

854
00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:31,439
Speaker 1: his man from behind walls and from when he calls home.

855
00:53:32,520 --> 00:53:38,000
Speaker 1: That was the extent of the relationship, right right, Yeah.

856
00:53:38,280 --> 00:53:42,200
Speaker 1: This concludes part one of this week's episode. Please stay

857
00:53:42,239 --> 00:53:46,719
Speaker 1: tuned for part two, dropping next Tuesday. Until next time,

858
00:53:46,760 --> 00:53:48,279
Speaker 1: everyone Later,