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Speaker 1: Today, I fed up by almost unleashing a five dumper

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Speaker 1: on my crushes bed. Okayop, sounds like a crappy situation.

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Speaker 1: Over the summer last year, I started talking to the

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Speaker 1: most goingous girl I've ever seen. I mean, I consider

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Speaker 1: myself to be a pretty good looking guy, but she

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Speaker 1: was out of even my league. All right, Oh, be

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Speaker 1: talking yourself up. Okay, self love, I see it. After

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Speaker 1: a few days of talking, we decided to meet up.

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Speaker 1: And even though she lives about two and a half

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Speaker 1: two and a half hours away from me, that's fucking

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Speaker 1: long distance. At that point, I still wanted to see her.

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Speaker 1: A big game was talked by both parties prior to meeting,

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Speaker 1: as far as our skills and enthusiasm doing the horizontal shuffle.

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Speaker 1: Oh yeah, and I was wildly attracted to her, so

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Speaker 1: I figured, sure, fitt, I'll take the drive and just

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Speaker 1: see what the heck happens. Let's do it, baby, let's

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Speaker 1: do it. Let's see what happens. While texting her, she

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Speaker 1: says we can go to a Mexican restaurant by her house. Great,

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Speaker 1: I love Mexican. I enthusiastically report that I'm game, and

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Speaker 1: eventually the dark cloud that is reality sets back in

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Speaker 1: that dark cloud seeping from all areas. I've had borderline

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Speaker 1: catastrophic ibs for a few years since leaving the military,

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Speaker 1: and Mexican food never agrees. I would imagine those beans

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Speaker 1: be ruined in my man's jeans and saying it that's

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Speaker 1: the magical fruit and catch whatever. All cross that bridge

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Speaker 1: when I get there too, No, like, that's not a

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Speaker 1: bridge you want to cross when game time comes up. Man.

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Speaker 1: I get to her house and she looks even better

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Speaker 1: in real life than the pictures. Oh girl looking like

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Speaker 1: a dream. Oh yeah, that I never want to wake

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Speaker 1: up from. I mean, she's wildly attractive. We end up

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Speaker 1: going to dinner and she tells me that I need

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Speaker 1: to dry the spicy margarita, and I say, see senorita

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Speaker 1: being a normal whiskey drinker. I've never heard of such

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Speaker 1: a thing, but I do know spicy crat will set

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Speaker 1: off the eternally burning inferno that is my stomach. But

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Speaker 1: I don't want to be rude. This girl's so pretty.

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Speaker 1: Why pleaser? I just want to please her and not

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Speaker 1: please my bowels. Come on, well, God knows the bowels

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Speaker 1: need pleasing. Yeah they do, or you're going to be squeezing,

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Speaker 1: gets to pleasing, and you're going to get to squeeze it.

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Speaker 1: It was quite tasty and end up having four oh

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Speaker 1: the course of our wonderful first date. This girl was smart, funny,

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Speaker 1: wildly attractive. Did I mention attract And upon the conclusion

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Speaker 1: of our dinner, she invited me to our house. Ooh,

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Speaker 1: a spicy time getting spicy. One thing led to another,

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Speaker 1: and we must have done the deed for at least

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Speaker 1: four hours. Bro, what my guy? Four hours? Dude? Geez,

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Speaker 1: that military training really got you pumping and slumping. Seriously,

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Speaker 1: his his bowels failed, but other things are working over time. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I know that he's he's like, you know, like one

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Speaker 1: of those drills that delt rills into the oil. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah, exactly,

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Speaker 1: he's pumping for oil and he just might get what

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Speaker 1: he's asking for. Oh. We were both having an absolute

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Speaker 1: ball and I was super into it. Little did I

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Speaker 1: know my stomach was acting as a shaker bottle right

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Speaker 1: now and all of my contents were extreme triggers. Ribs.

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Speaker 1: This is like the worst thing that could happen. We

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Speaker 1: ended up falling asleep and I wake up before her

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Speaker 1: in a nasty fit of cold sweats, and I just

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Speaker 1: know that I'm going to paint the room brown. Dude,

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Speaker 1: my fingers are crossed so hard right now, Man, this

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Speaker 1: is a Jackson Pollock painting I don't want to see.

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Speaker 1: I end up moving around just enough for her to

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Speaker 1: wake up, and like the angel she is, she offers

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Speaker 1: me coffee, which I gladly take. I use her exit

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Speaker 1: as a scouting opportunity and find the guest bathroom, which

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Speaker 1: had no toilet paper in it. Oh no. At this time,

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Speaker 1: she comes back upstairs with the coffee and catches me

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Speaker 1: in her guest bathroom, which I play off is I'm

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Speaker 1: just watching my face, not trying to unload a freaking bioazo.

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Speaker 1: As we lay in bed, the only thing I can

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Speaker 1: focus on is not liquefying her entire bed into one

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Speaker 1: massive brown slip and slide. Clench those cheeks, my guy. Finally,

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Speaker 1: she announces she has to let her dog out, and

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Speaker 1: I recognize this, that's my opportunit escape, aha, I spurring

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Speaker 1: into action and run into the master bedroom and wrap

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Speaker 1: a twenty foot piece of toilet paper around my chest

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Speaker 1: like it's a bandelaire and sprint in a guest bathroom,

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Speaker 1: where I proceed to begin evacuating my bowels before my

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Speaker 1: butt even touches the toilet seed. I mean, I craped

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Speaker 1: so hard. I actually think I moaned a little bit

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Speaker 1: like h Bro turned into Elon Musk's rocket blasting off.

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Speaker 1: I then conducted this speed wipe and planted myself back

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Speaker 1: into the bed before her return. Which, dude, if you're

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Speaker 1: taking a crapper like that, you don't do a speed wipe.

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Speaker 1: You check, you wipe it checked like four times, make sure. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: this whole ordeal took less than a minute, and the

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Speaker 1: speed and intensity which I conducted my business can only

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Speaker 1: be compared to young Sylvester Stallone's rambo. A few days later,

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Speaker 1: I couldn't keep this story to myself anymore, and I

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Speaker 1: ended up telling her. We both had a great laugh

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Speaker 1: and agreed we should leave spicy margaritas out of my diet,

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Speaker 1: and we've been happily together ever since. See. I'm so

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Speaker 1: happy that this turned out well. But my guy was

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Speaker 1: playing with fire way too much. He flew way too

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Speaker 1: close to way too close to the sun. Dude, that

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Speaker 1: could have that could have landed badly. Yeah, I could

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Speaker 1: have