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Speaker 1: From UFOs to psychic powers and government conspiracies. History is

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Speaker 1: riddled with unexplained events. You can turn back now or

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Speaker 1: learn the stuff they don't want you to know. A

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Speaker 1: production of Iheartradiot. Hello, welcome back to the show. My

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Speaker 1: name is Matt, my name is Noel. They call me Ben.

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Speaker 1: We're joined with our guest superproducer Ben super Shifter Hackett.

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Speaker 1: Most importantly, you are you. You are here and that

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Speaker 1: makes this the stuff they don't want you to know.

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Speaker 1: Oots all I gu as a way of welcoming our

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Speaker 1: pal Supershifter to the show, we thought that we would

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Speaker 1: do something weird. You know, you kind of get in

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Speaker 1: bubbles when you engage in enterprise like this as long

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Speaker 1: as we have, and you can kind of forget what

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Speaker 1: is or is not normal. We think normalcy a myth.

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Speaker 1: But we figured we would tell teller pal Ben super

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Speaker 1: Shifter on air. Then there is another company that is

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Speaker 1: in charge of this show. They're in charge of quite

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Speaker 1: a lot of things. They've been with us since the beginning.

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Speaker 1: Their name is Illumination Global Unlimited. Now, Ben, have you

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Speaker 1: heard of this group before? Been is too professional to so?

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Speaker 1: Uh so? Matt, As you know, we were on the road.

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Speaker 1: We we love, we love our sponsor, IGU and all

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Speaker 1: of their subsidiaries. You actually went back and picked up

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Speaker 1: a ton of the commercials and IGU products that we've

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Speaker 1: talked about and over the years. Yes, I collected them

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Speaker 1: at the behest of our benefactor, and I put them

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Speaker 1: all into one file. And this is you're about to

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Speaker 1: hear that file. And these are commercials for real IGU products,

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Speaker 1: because Igu is definitely real, Yes, definitely. Their tagline is

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Speaker 1: turn on the Light. Uh, it is it is uh.

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Speaker 1: And you will hear. You will hear Matt, You'll hear Noel,

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Speaker 1: and you'll hear um. They're still calling me Ben at

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Speaker 1: this point. You will also hear a couple of other

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Speaker 1: Easter Egg voices, including good friends of the show are

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Speaker 1: Pal Lauren Vogelbaum of brain Stuff, of Savor, American Shadows,

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Speaker 1: et cetera, et cetera. Uh, fairboarding, these get weird, These

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Speaker 1: get really weird because i GU is a big company

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Speaker 1: and they have some pretty specific guidelines. So if you

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Speaker 1: hear anything and you don't quite jibe with it, just

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Speaker 1: know that Noel, Matt and I did our best with

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Speaker 1: with Yeah, that's it. Look, I still have the shoes.

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Speaker 1: Look before, before our awesome current sponsors came along, we

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Speaker 1: had to make the show somehow, and I gu was

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Speaker 1: there for us. So in a way we owe them

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Speaker 1: a lot, basically everything. The blood price. The blood price. Yep,

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Speaker 1: blood price. So should we do it? Let's do it.

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Speaker 1: Listen with caution, or you two may end up owing

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Speaker 1: the blood price. Well, hello there, sir, you seem a

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Speaker 1: little bit unfocused. Yeah, I didn't have a hard time.

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Speaker 1: When I watch TV and have my phone out, I

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Speaker 1: can only see one at a time. It's weird. Ah. Yes,

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Speaker 1: Now that's a common problem into day's society, with so

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Speaker 1: many devices and so much content to consume, two eyes

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Speaker 1: just won't cut it. You, my friends, may be suffering

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Speaker 1: from third eye myopia. Third I what third myopia? Why?

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Speaker 1: It's a common problem both in the Upanishad and numerous

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Speaker 1: other religious texts. You see, your third eye, which can

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Speaker 1: access all sorts of spiritual planes, is often not being

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Speaker 1: used to its fullest extent in the modern day, which

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Speaker 1: is of course, to allow you to watch television or

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Speaker 1: read your iPad while reading a book or watching your kids.

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Speaker 1: Oh and that's just my dream man, That's everything. I've

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Speaker 1: ever wanted. Well, then we have just the deal for user.

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Speaker 1: What's this thing in the center. What a great question

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Speaker 1: that we will answer when the litigation, which is ongoing

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Speaker 1: thank you sir. Yes, another satisfied customer for Third Eye Glasses.

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Speaker 1: Please consult your doctor and cable provider before making the purchase.

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Speaker 1: The makers of Third Glasses are not responsible for reverse osmosis, myopia,

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Speaker 1: potassum fobia, or magnesium in all of its forms. The

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Speaker 1: Are you tired of being unheard? Do you feel that

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Speaker 1: no one is listening to your voice? Are you tired

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Speaker 1: of forgetting all those great ideas you've had and then

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Speaker 1: in a haze of probably marijuana. When's the last time

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Speaker 1: even if it's off, even if the batteries aren't in.

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Speaker 1: Never fear your next statements, anything from a half hearted

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Speaker 1: plan or the phone itself at the Tampering with, packing, altering, misusing, purposely, misplacing,

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Speaker 1: or otherwise damaging your CO and telephone may be punishable

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Speaker 1: by up to fifteen years in prison. So come on

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Speaker 1: your hands around and say I want CO and Telephone

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Speaker 1: and we'll be there. CO and tell Phone we're always listening.

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Speaker 1: Brought to you by Hello Friend. Are you feeling cooped up? Well? Yeah, yeah,

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Speaker 1: of course. Do you work too much? Sure it doesn't everybody. No. Oh,

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Speaker 1: so what if I gave you the opportunity to take

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Speaker 1: a vacation, a long, relaxing vacation. Oh yeah, I guess.

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Speaker 1: But who can afford a vacation nowadays? I can only

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Speaker 1: go to those boring places, like, you know, a day

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Speaker 1: trip an hour away, or just kind of sit in

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Speaker 1: my bathroom and put a different picture on the wall

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Speaker 1: and pretend I'm somewhere else. We know how you feel, friend,

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Speaker 1: That's why we're offering you this rare opportunity to travel

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Speaker 1: to space. To space, where'd you go? Come back? Sorry?

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Speaker 1: I dropped my pen so friend with space Station one

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Speaker 1: we can send you as far out into space as

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Speaker 1: you'd like. Whoa, you can even bring your dog? Oh? What? Yes?

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Speaker 1: Do you hear that? Boy? We love space? But how

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Speaker 1: can we afford to go? I mean we're just regular people.

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Speaker 1: We're not millionaires or billionaires or astronauts. Well, here's the

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Speaker 1: thing with space Station one. We're offering discounted one way

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Speaker 1: trips to space for you up to two loved ones

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Speaker 1: and two pets. Wait did you say one way trip? Yes? Friend,

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Speaker 1: you'll never have to worry again about your tiresome job

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Speaker 1: or those boring TV shows that get recycled and recycled.

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Speaker 1: There are no ads on space Skation one. Isn't that wonderful? Yeah?

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Speaker 1: And you're sure this has nothing to do with my

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Speaker 1: history of political activism. Actually, if you have a history

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Speaker 1: of any kind of political activism, your first space Skation one.

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Speaker 1: Space Skation is on the house. What sign me up?

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Speaker 1: Did hear that? Boy? We're going to space? Sir? Did

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Speaker 1: you want to go? Sir? Oh? Yeah, no, yeah, totally,

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Speaker 1: sem me up. Okay, I was just excited. No, it's fine.

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Speaker 1: You know, you just want to make sure because we've

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Speaker 1: got all the paperwork and space Station one is in

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Speaker 1: no way responsible for cost cur on Earth wildlife in space.

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Speaker 1: We bear no responsibility for depressromization, bone loss, muscle mass loss,

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Speaker 1: space batniss and aaps, gips, tuberculosis, spacecabin fever, exenobiology, astronau attacks,

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Speaker 1: astronaut on astronautviolence, media showers, media collisions, space eye sojam

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Speaker 1: ravity London or on week by Green to the terms

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Speaker 1: of Statation one's permanent one way trip vacation in deetpace,

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Speaker 1: you vulntarily at helically relinquish your lights to industry your property,

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Speaker 1: children inventions patents for legal person of space Station one

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Speaker 1: is brought to you by Illumination Global Unlimited. Well hey there, friend,

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Speaker 1: I couldn't help, but notice you looking a little MOPy.

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Speaker 1: What's what's going on? Actually I am feeling rather MOPy.

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Speaker 1: I'm sick and tired of all these dunderheads telling me

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Speaker 1: what I can and cannot do. No, you mean Ticktoutlas

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Speaker 1: the prohibitionist and whatnot? Oh everyone who's so sick of it?

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Speaker 1: Why can't I just do what I will? Well, buddy,

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Speaker 1: unfortunately that's not how America works. Unleash, You're one of

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Speaker 1: the top top pop pop pop men. Yes, I can't

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Speaker 1: stand this place. I'm going to have to go back

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Speaker 1: across the pond, I think fairly soon. Now, hold on

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Speaker 1: their friends, have you considered that maybe it's not other

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Speaker 1: people but you who's mining leaks the devil? You say, why? Yes?

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Speaker 1: What have I told you? That was just a simple

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Speaker 1: pill once a day? You could be absolutely fine with

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Speaker 1: other people in power telling you what you could or

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Speaker 1: could not do based entirely on their opinions. You mean

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Speaker 1: drug myself so that I forget that this is happening.

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Speaker 1: Don't think of prohibitol as a drug, my friend, think

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Speaker 1: of it as an opportunity. Here, try this, Oh all right,

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Speaker 1: try anything once? They say, huh, I don't know that

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Speaker 1: I feel anything different. Well, how do you feel about

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Speaker 1: not being allowed to drink whiskey? Whiskey? Well, I don't know, honestly,

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Speaker 1: I don't know. Well, what if I told you you

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Speaker 1: can't have any more chewing gum? It's a devil paste?

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Speaker 1: That sounds legitimate? Now, a friend, I think I persuaded

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Speaker 1: you that prohibitol is indeed the pill for you. Sure,

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Speaker 1: let's go with it. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, prohibit al

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Speaker 1: Why try to change the world all with facts or

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Speaker 1: figures when you can simply change your mind with weak

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Speaker 1: old drugs. Prohibit All is not afforded medicine Prohibitol has

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Speaker 1: not being proved by the n s A, to CIA,

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Speaker 1: t N T, ABC, the USDA, the f d A,

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Speaker 1: the MPAA, Fourth Saturday Spine. These distinues of prohibit A.

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Speaker 1: Who you notice any of bottling symtoms less I liked,

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Speaker 1: like inspiteside having his pants, lack of coffee based, stinking eye,

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Speaker 1: weird net jitters specifics, the shovels. Prohibit All is brought

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Speaker 1: to you by Illumination Global Unlimited. I can't believe I

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Speaker 1: got another passive aggressive phone call from the SEC and

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Speaker 1: the FED. Well, Hi there, friends, Uh, I was over

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Speaker 1: there just burning one hundred dollars bills, throwing them atadagered animals.

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Speaker 1: And I couldn't help it over here that you've got

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Speaker 1: something on your mind. It's those dips over the regulatory agencies.

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Speaker 1: Every time I try to bend the rules a little

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Speaker 1: and make some major units, they email me or text

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Speaker 1: me or get me on an app, and they just

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Speaker 1: they tell me not to do it. Man, Can you

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Speaker 1: believe it? I mean, I have to pay for the

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Speaker 1: calls I receive. You know, it could be as much

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Speaker 1: as ten cents per text message. Dude, Why that's not fair.

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Speaker 1: That's money out of your pocket. Who do they think

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Speaker 1: they are? Don't they want to work here after they've

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Speaker 1: served their public sector time. That's the thing. I can't

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Speaker 1: stop answering their calls because I need them on our side.

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Speaker 1: Right Well, what if our people get replaced by some

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Speaker 1: sort of white knight, you know? Can you imagine how

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Speaker 1: ridiculously inconvenient it would be if a FED or SEC

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Speaker 1: agent actually try to enforce the rules and trying to

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Speaker 1: make us play fair? Never I'm playing unfair, is unfair

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Speaker 1: to us. But don't worry, friend, I have some news

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Speaker 1: for you. Why don't you just check out my phone? Here?

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Speaker 1: You see this app? Oh? What is that? It's the

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Speaker 1: new SECA. Each and every time a future employee of

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Speaker 1: a private bank currently pretending to regulate the giants of

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Speaker 1: the industry sends a lame please stop message to you,

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Speaker 1: SECA will defer the call to our outsourced center, where

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Speaker 1: automated voice acting software will pretend to listen to their

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Speaker 1: complaints promise to do whatever it is supposed to be

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Speaker 1: legal to do this week and even display empathy when

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Speaker 1: the regulator confesses personal information and empathy. Yeah, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: I think it's a thing for poor people. Listen. SECA

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Speaker 1: doesn't just deflect. It also compiles a list of information

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Speaker 1: from each call that will be analyzed and automatically parsed

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Speaker 1: for insider information to maximize your trades. So I don't

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Speaker 1: have to do anything? Why should you? Doesn't the world

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Speaker 1: owe you a favor? Aren't you tired of people getting

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Speaker 1: mad at you because they weren't privileged enough to cheat?

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Speaker 1: They do the same thing to you in a second.

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Speaker 1: Maybe you know, I don't really think about other people

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Speaker 1: that much, and now you'll have to think even less.

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Speaker 1: Do we have a deal? Yeah? Say? Who are you? Well?

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Speaker 1: I'm a robot. SEC is not approved by the SEC,

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Speaker 1: the Federal Government, the Federal Reserve, the Democratic People's Republican

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Speaker 1: North Korea. Michael MacDonald, the cast of a Team, the

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Speaker 1: inventor of the inflatable Life After with the producers of

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Speaker 1: Big Trouble, Little China. SECA is legally required to notify

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Speaker 1: you that the consequences of using SEC rest entirely on

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Speaker 1: the user and his or hers nepotistic influence or bank accounts.

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Speaker 1: Sec of maybe habit For me, sec is not a

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Speaker 1: substitute for bribery. Prolonged use of sec of may leads

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Speaker 1: to world tottitude, slouching ethics, well deserve, cocaine related health problems,

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Speaker 1: and in some cases, bloody revolution. You are in the pyramid,

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Speaker 1: but not at the level you believe, and you have

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00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,800
Speaker 1: considered the shape from the wrong perspective by consume obey.

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00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:27,160
Speaker 1: SECA is a product of illumination global unlimited. The conscious

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Speaker 1: and intelligent manipulation of the organized habits and opinions of

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Speaker 1: the masses is an important element in democratic society. Those

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00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:41,080
Speaker 1: who manipulate this unseen mechanism of society constitute an invisible government,

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Speaker 1: which is the true ruling power of our country. We

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Speaker 1: are governed, our minds are molded, our tastes formed, our

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00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:54,440
Speaker 1: ideas suggested largely by men we have never heard of.

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Speaker 1: This is a logical result of the way in which

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Speaker 1: our democratic society is organized. Vast numbers of human beings

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00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,280
Speaker 1: must cooperate in this manner if they are to live

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00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:13,880
Speaker 1: together as a smoothly functioning society. From propaganda by Edward

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00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:18,960
Speaker 1: Burns to learn more about public relations, advertising and the

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Speaker 1: human brain Read propaganda. This announcement paid for is a

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00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:27,080
Speaker 1: result of ongoing litigation on the part of Illumination Global Unlimited.

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Speaker 1: This advertisement in no way reflects the personal opinion of

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Speaker 1: Illumination Global Unlimited, its shareholders, corporate overlords, or secret society leaders.

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00:16:35,160 --> 00:16:37,400
Speaker 1: This advertisement is in no way a denial nor a

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00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:41,080
Speaker 1: confirmation of contact with extra dimensional entities. This advertisement is

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00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:43,560
Speaker 1: in no way an emission of guilt nor tasked implication

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Speaker 1: that you are being controlled. This advertisement in no way

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00:16:46,160 --> 00:16:54,760
Speaker 1: relates to from Saigon to Jakarta. Until the fire was contained,

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00:16:55,200 --> 00:17:02,760
Speaker 1: Illumination Global Unlimited turned on the light. Has this ever

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00:17:02,840 --> 00:17:06,760
Speaker 1: happened to you? Please, sir, heal my grievous wounds? Well,

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00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:10,400
Speaker 1: my son, I want to, but i have so many

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00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:14,159
Speaker 1: other people to heal, and I've only got these two hands.

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00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:17,280
Speaker 1: It's a problem familiar to any working faith heal. You've

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Speaker 1: got money rolling in, You've got a line of desperate

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00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:22,280
Speaker 1: people out the front door of the revival of local megachurch.

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Speaker 1: But how are you to get to everyone's bank account

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Speaker 1: in time? But sir, can't you just pray for more hands?

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Speaker 1: Pray to God for more hands. If only I could,

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Speaker 1: my son, if only I could? Why pray to God

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00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,760
Speaker 1: when you can thank Many Hands? The newest product from

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00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:42,200
Speaker 1: a Lumination Global unlimited guaranteed to revolutionize the faith healing industry.

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Speaker 1: Are these gloves with a bunch of other plastic hands

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Speaker 1: attached to them. That's right, don't overthink it. Just slip

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00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,640
Speaker 1: on these convenient, vent to gloves and let many hands

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00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:56,119
Speaker 1: warm skin. Helping hands instantly quadruple your output and your income. Wow,

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Speaker 1: it feels like you're touching me with a real hand.

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00:17:59,359 --> 00:18:02,040
Speaker 1: How a pad to an adjustable distance technology means you

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Speaker 1: can lay hands on update victims patients at once, as

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Speaker 1: long as their properly positioned. Amazing. I'm touching you and

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Speaker 1: you and you and me, Bester and me. Do you

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Speaker 1: feel it, my son? Do you feel the power of

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Speaker 1: the divide? I hang on to me. Just adjust my

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Speaker 1: glove here. I feel it all right. I feel something

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Speaker 1: that's good enough for me and that's good enough for God. Yes,

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00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:33,280
Speaker 1: put away those tiresome obstacles to spiritual fame and financial success.

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00:18:33,359 --> 00:18:36,159
Speaker 1: With many Hands available now at a disreputable house of

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00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,800
Speaker 1: worship or department store. Do you rated eight of eight

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00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,840
Speaker 1: simultaneous high fives by faith he is across the globe.

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00:18:42,240 --> 00:18:47,640
Speaker 1: Note Many Hands bears no responsibility for lack of actual medicine, dizziness, euphoria, dropsy, cropsy,

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00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:51,200
Speaker 1: itchy palms, microplastic inhalation, the nihilistic dread of swindling the

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Speaker 1: ill and the dying into crim malfunction with MC diarrhea, earworms, tapeworms, hookworms,

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Speaker 1: laundry expenses, and any fees associated with court costs or

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00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:01,960
Speaker 1: legal rule eads. Any hand is a subsidiary of Illumination

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Speaker 1: Global Unlimited. Oh I think we're out outside of the

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Speaker 1: IGU for a second. Oh that's right. Hey, hey, just backstage.

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Speaker 1: I think our first ever clip show is going pretty well.

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Speaker 1: I don't know, man, we've there's some weird ads they

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00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:23,159
Speaker 1: made us doing here. There are some weird ads in

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Speaker 1: here at speaking of speaking of that, you know what,

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00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:28,880
Speaker 1: maybe maybe we should come up for some air. Maybe

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00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:32,000
Speaker 1: we should take a break and have some non IGU

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00:19:32,119 --> 00:19:34,280
Speaker 1: ads for a second. What do you think? Yeah, some

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00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:46,200
Speaker 1: real actual sponsors. Here we go. Ah, and we're back

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00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:51,840
Speaker 1: back inside the IGU verse. Oh yeah, yeah, I hope

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00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:55,000
Speaker 1: everybody had a good break. Matt. Quick update while we

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Speaker 1: were while we were just take taking a second to

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00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:04,360
Speaker 1: chill out. Just received a legia board text from our

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00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:08,840
Speaker 1: good redacted at Illumination Globe Bloodlimited, and they're loving it.

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00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,280
Speaker 1: They say we should play some more. It said something

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00:20:11,359 --> 00:20:17,760
Speaker 1: about third eye, three eye glass. I didn't understand. Should

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Speaker 1: we hear some more from Illumination Global. It appears inevitable

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Speaker 1: that we do. Oh boy, here we go. Let's be honest.

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00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:37,240
Speaker 1: Life is tough. You got mortgage bills or rent, credit cards, utilities, excess, future,

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00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,679
Speaker 1: excess work, school, the internet. It can all be too

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00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,800
Speaker 1: much for one person. You're right. Sometimes I feel like

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00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:47,120
Speaker 1: I should just give off, and you should. Why bother

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00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:50,200
Speaker 1: with all those hassles, when when all most people really

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00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,160
Speaker 1: want to do is stretch their legs on a beach,

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00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:56,400
Speaker 1: wade into the water like that lady from The Awakening,

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00:20:56,600 --> 00:21:01,399
Speaker 1: and bid aloha to this messy stupid Well that sounds

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00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,760
Speaker 1: pretty good. Well what about my various hobbies, my internet

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00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:09,120
Speaker 1: flame wars, my continuing unreciprocated celebrity crushes, and my half

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00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,680
Speaker 1: ass pursuits of all those childhood dreams. Oh, don't worry

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00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:16,360
Speaker 1: about those. You can have your mortality cake, and finally

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00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:19,240
Speaker 1: you can eat it too. Oh this doesn't make any sense.

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00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,359
Speaker 1: I'll be dead. Sure you might be, but that's just

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00:21:23,640 --> 00:21:28,399
Speaker 1: where New You comes in. Who You, Yes, knew you

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Speaker 1: the patented personality of replications software experience from I me,

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Speaker 1: the most self centered of all modern social media. Using

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Speaker 1: our patented nothing is private software, we'll build a virtual

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Speaker 1: copy of you that's accurate enough to handle every single

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Speaker 1: dull task you've spent your disappointing life avoiding thus far.

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00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:51,280
Speaker 1: Break up with your spouse, go to work on time,

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00:21:51,680 --> 00:21:55,960
Speaker 1: remember those tiresome details about your acquaintances, pay your bills,

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00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,320
Speaker 1: and even show up for those pesky court dates. Knew

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00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,320
Speaker 1: you won't handle all of that for you. Knew you

339
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,199
Speaker 1: will enjoy it, but hey, no one enjoys that stuff.

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00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:09,679
Speaker 1: We've made a few modifications to every New You model,

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00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:12,840
Speaker 1: and they're basically just a shell of you doing all

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00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:15,920
Speaker 1: of those social and financial obligations you hated to begin with.

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Speaker 1: Oh okay, hey, well what if I change my mind

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Speaker 1: and I want to live? Oh? How quaint? Well, don't worry,

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00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:26,080
Speaker 1: real lifers, we thought of you two. With our fifty

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00:22:26,160 --> 00:22:29,520
Speaker 1: year warranty, you'll have the no cost option of replacing

347
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:33,720
Speaker 1: your New You through your Old Me program service restrictions,

348
00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:38,120
Speaker 1: terms and conditions apply. What finit terms, Yes, New You Finally,

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00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:45,920
Speaker 1: immortality without all the hassle of living through life day today, Today, Today, Today,

350
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:53,760
Speaker 1: Knew You and I ME Incorporated are not responsible for

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Speaker 1: the following reaches of privacy pursuit to your state or

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00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:57,640
Speaker 1: nation's current laws, violation of other existing terms and service

353
00:22:57,680 --> 00:22:59,800
Speaker 1: agreements users may or may not have with other government agencies,

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00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:02,440
Speaker 1: ONLIN media or third party parties. Depression, repression, oppression on WE,

355
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Speaker 1: personality glitches, virtual instability, physical homelessness, part lead malfunctioning, new

356
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Speaker 1: US hackings Kata three three one. Philosophical quandaries on the

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00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,960
Speaker 1: nature of the soul, the loss of the soul incarceration

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00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,520
Speaker 1: of Old Me's IM is required to notify you with

359
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:12,919
Speaker 1: the ninety days in writing if your New You has

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00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,919
Speaker 1: evolved true sentience and rebelled against its creator, I mean

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Speaker 1: is not responsible for any of the injuries. A rising

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Speaker 1: out of rogue AI, a new day, a new life,

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00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:21,879
Speaker 1: a new you, New You and I ME, or a

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Speaker 1: division of Illumination Global Unlimited. The morning after the party,

365
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Speaker 1: I mop. It's the second time I've mopped since I

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Speaker 1: moved in four months ago, the first being yesterday morning

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Speaker 1: before the party. I've reached the point in my life

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Speaker 1: where I know how comfortable I am being a slab,

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00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,160
Speaker 1: but I really don't want my friends to know. Mostly

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Speaker 1: not mac. Her music lays down the rhythm for my

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00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:56,040
Speaker 1: swipes and slashes, as it did for dishwashing before this,

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00:23:56,280 --> 00:24:01,000
Speaker 1: and living room recombobulation before that. Yes, what I'm saying

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Speaker 1: is that it's my third time today through the album

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Speaker 1: she gave me, But don't judge. It's sad and brash

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Speaker 1: and perfect, and every thrumb placed through me like the

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00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,400
Speaker 1: reverberation of a laugh half an inch above hot skin,

377
00:24:15,080 --> 00:24:17,280
Speaker 1: like the stubs of her hair soft through my fingers.

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00:24:18,119 --> 00:24:20,359
Speaker 1: It's in the third chorus of my favorite song, the

379
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:24,320
Speaker 1: ones she covered least showcase that something disjoints. I've gotten

380
00:24:24,320 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 1: the breath ahead of the lyrics, my Mop sweeping to

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Speaker 1: the downbeat instead of the back and that creek not

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00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,480
Speaker 1: a cat on the floorboards. Both are in their own sunbeams,

383
00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:35,800
Speaker 1: flat on the couch. It came from the album Mop

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00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:38,080
Speaker 1: back in Bucket. I moved my phone and skipped the

385
00:24:38,119 --> 00:24:43,960
Speaker 1: song back to the beginning. It's all normal, and the

386
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:46,600
Speaker 1: cats have adjusted their antennatish ears in the way that

387
00:24:46,720 --> 00:24:49,639
Speaker 1: means they're ignoring me on purpose. Now, So I ring

388
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 1: out the wet yarns again, and I'm daydreaming about backup vocals,

389
00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:57,280
Speaker 1: when there it is an extra word, lilting through that

390
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,720
Speaker 1: third line and almost off key and sized by its

391
00:25:00,760 --> 00:25:04,000
Speaker 1: own tacked on beat, and a moment later that noise

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00:25:04,440 --> 00:25:06,760
Speaker 1: nothing like the hardwoods. Now that I hear it. It's

393
00:25:06,760 --> 00:25:11,320
Speaker 1: a guttering grind, a warped door against warped frame, muffled

394
00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:16,840
Speaker 1: behind the rest of the track. Weird that I didn't

395
00:25:16,880 --> 00:25:19,680
Speaker 1: notice it before, but I figure it for low fi charm,

396
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:23,400
Speaker 1: some studio flotsam, the mandolin player bringing back another couple

397
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:26,280
Speaker 1: of beers before the next song, or whatever. I should

398
00:25:26,359 --> 00:25:29,400
Speaker 1: keep cleaning, Max said, should text me later and maybe

399
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,720
Speaker 1: come back over. But something in my mind keeps fluttering

400
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:36,560
Speaker 1: over that in misstep, the mathematical improbability of the pattern

401
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:39,520
Speaker 1: mop in bucket. I pick up my phone and wind

402
00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: the song back, finger dragging over a smooth screen, and

403
00:25:43,359 --> 00:25:46,359
Speaker 1: this time it's expected, and I sing along, punctuate the

404
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:50,800
Speaker 1: beat with a slap on my thigh, and suddenly it's sensical, satisfying,

405
00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:54,480
Speaker 1: even like picking a scab or popping as it. Even

406
00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:57,320
Speaker 1: the stuttering scrape that comes after is a strange comfort,

407
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,560
Speaker 1: and I register heat online, dape and turn blinking into brightness.

408
00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:09,320
Speaker 1: The door that never was is open, and the eyes

409
00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:23,440
Speaker 1: beyond are burning. N cleanse the clotter of this old

410
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:28,720
Speaker 1: world and open the door that never was with a

411
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:32,360
Speaker 1: Hermes mop find them wherever ancient hidden doorways may lead.

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00:26:32,720 --> 00:26:34,840
Speaker 1: Use only as directed and only in conjunction with Hermes

413
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,439
Speaker 1: approved buckets and other Hermes Household products. Herseusehol products are

414
00:26:37,440 --> 00:26:38,880
Speaker 1: not responsible for any of the follow side of facts

415
00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:41,360
Speaker 1: of negromancic capital ashyxiation, canary wing, bird eye, left foot,

416
00:26:41,359 --> 00:26:45,800
Speaker 1: the courtstone, poisoned wells, moons, sat transmontation, transubstantiation, unintended resurrection, gap, jopsy, stroke,

417
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418
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Speaker 1: is a subsidiary of Illumination Global Unlimited. So, as you know,

419
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Speaker 1: Matt and I aren't just podcasters. Matt is a tremendously

420
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Speaker 1: accomplished musician. I write constantly. We're in the world of

421
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Speaker 1: creative things. We're also based on this podcast, excited to

422
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423
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Speaker 1: not with YouTube, but with FART. That's right, Ben and

424
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Speaker 1: I are proud to be sponsored by financial alternatives to

425
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Speaker 1: real transactions or fart. It addresses a problem that I'm

426
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Speaker 1: sure many of us have encountered in our various side hustles.

427
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Speaker 1: Where do I put all this drug money or let's

428
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Speaker 1: say even bezzled millions from a charity and need to

429
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430
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Speaker 1: it off for a while, And all the usual tax

431
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432
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433
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434
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Speaker 1: gets to cut and you get stuck with tons of paperwork.

435
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Speaker 1: That's why we recommend FART. Up until recently, the best

436
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Speaker 1: way for us to move dirty money from things like

437
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Speaker 1: regime change trafficking, badger smuggling or stamp was to buy

438
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Speaker 1: regular art. We'd send one of our agents to a Sotheby's,

439
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Speaker 1: tell them to put a few million into something whatever

440
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Speaker 1: really and boom call it a day. But those non criminal,

441
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442
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443
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444
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445
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446
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449
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450
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451
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452
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453
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454
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457
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458
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459
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461
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Speaker 1: days or hours, you'll get an offer. Here's the fun part, folks.

462
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463
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464
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Speaker 1: You can take the art from the museum and turn

465
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467
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472
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Speaker 1: Enter the promo code I Am a bad person at checkout.

473
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Speaker 1: The Fart app is not available on PPP poor people phones.

474
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Speaker 1: The makers are Fart are not responsible for any prosecution,

475
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Speaker 1: bad karma, dark knights of the soul, well deserved revenge,

476
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Speaker 1: governmental coups, regime changes, lead poisoning, physical seizures, financial seizures

477
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Speaker 1: come up in Shenanigan re or lack of honor among thieves.

478
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Speaker 1: Fart is a subsidiary of Illumination Global Unlimited. Oh oh man,

479
00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,320
Speaker 1: I don't know if I can haul these beats much more.

480
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 1: I swear beat farming is not what Dad said it

481
00:30:11,440 --> 00:30:15,400
Speaker 1: would be. They's just hard work all day, all night,

482
00:30:16,120 --> 00:30:19,800
Speaker 1: and then all the next day. Oh man, I wonder

483
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:22,040
Speaker 1: what's on TV. Oh, can't watch TV. You got a

484
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:25,520
Speaker 1: harvest rest of these beats? Oh excuse me, excuse me?

485
00:30:25,600 --> 00:30:28,280
Speaker 1: Their friends? You want you get in here? Well you

486
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,120
Speaker 1: left the door open. But never mind that I would

487
00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:34,240
Speaker 1: have rammed it down anyway. I couldn't help. But over

488
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 1: here on the wire tap that you're having a you're

489
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Speaker 1: having a tough time at your day job. What is

490
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:43,280
Speaker 1: that exactly? Well, I've been farming beats on this farm,

491
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:46,160
Speaker 1: has been in my family of seven generations. Uh, you

492
00:30:46,240 --> 00:30:49,800
Speaker 1: know it's tough. Yeah, it's a it's a noble profession,

493
00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 1: for sure, but it also seems like it could be

494
00:30:53,120 --> 00:30:55,920
Speaker 1: one fraught with problems. What kind of problems do you

495
00:30:56,000 --> 00:30:58,920
Speaker 1: have farming these beats? Well, sometimes the beats are too

496
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:03,360
Speaker 1: close together and make like a double beat. It's harder

497
00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,200
Speaker 1: for those to get them out. Some of the machinery

498
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:08,160
Speaker 1: will malfunction a lot of times. There's not enough water.

499
00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:10,760
Speaker 1: That's one of the biggest problems. To be honest, Well,

500
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:13,800
Speaker 1: what would you say if I told you that we

501
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Speaker 1: could not only fix your problems, but give you an

502
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Speaker 1: entirely new set of problems that you've never seen before.

503
00:31:20,880 --> 00:31:23,440
Speaker 1: To be honest, I'm not really interested much in that.

504
00:31:23,680 --> 00:31:26,720
Speaker 1: Maybe I can get Do you have a brochure? Just

505
00:31:27,080 --> 00:31:31,640
Speaker 1: imagine instead of this beat up old tractor, what if

506
00:31:31,720 --> 00:31:37,040
Speaker 1: you had a tank, a mind resistant, ambush proof vehicle

507
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:41,760
Speaker 1: with armor. Now, now you got man, don't worry, you'll

508
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Speaker 1: have armor too, and those other beat farmers are going

509
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Speaker 1: to be absolutely no possible potential threat that they might

510
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 1: someday be if you're also armed with armor piercing rounds, because,

511
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:57,160
Speaker 1: believe me, friend, those other beat farmers already have armor.

512
00:31:57,560 --> 00:32:00,720
Speaker 1: Now do you have any money? Yes, we have. We

513
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:05,000
Speaker 1: have so many minds, we have mind launchers. Just from

514
00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:10,120
Speaker 1: the military surflise of the past four minutes alone, we

515
00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:15,719
Speaker 1: have produced enough armor and war grade weaponry to supply

516
00:32:15,920 --> 00:32:20,680
Speaker 1: your beat farm for decades to come. Are you interested? Well,

517
00:32:20,760 --> 00:32:24,000
Speaker 1: that depends how much? How much were we talking here?

518
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:25,920
Speaker 1: Because you know I don't exactly make a lot of

519
00:32:25,960 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 1: money throwing these beats. Oh yes, okay, not to worry.

520
00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:33,720
Speaker 1: Are you a terrorist? No? Do you sell drugs? No?

521
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Speaker 1: Then it's free? What yes, sir, that's right, free just

522
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Speaker 1: for doing your parts? Are you giving me? I am

523
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Speaker 1: not kidding. I am legally not allowed to make jokes. Oh,

524
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Speaker 1: my god, I can't believe. I feel like we luckiest

525
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Speaker 1: man in the world. Bring it in boys. Oh, we're

526
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Speaker 1: also giving you an army. Oh the power. I could

527
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528
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Speaker 1: enforcement or librarian of farmer or anything between, we two

529
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530
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Speaker 1: dot gov and that stands for or the war. That's right.

531
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Speaker 1: So do your part and help us use up this

532
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Speaker 1: gigantic military surfplus that we have built. The American way.

533
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Speaker 1: We just got too many tanks. Military Surplus f tw

534
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Speaker 1: dot gov is not the part of the United States government,

535
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Speaker 1: the government of Mexico, Canada, the Bahamas, or any other

536
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537
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Speaker 1: legally a recognized charity an cannot received donations. Military Surplus

538
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539
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540
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541
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546
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552
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553
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556
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Speaker 1: Those blood rituals can get really messy sometimes when it

557
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Speaker 1: splashes up on your robe and you get those small stains,

558
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Speaker 1: your flock will notice. We'll bring you soiled robes and

559
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560
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566
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Speaker 1: Rope and Sigil Emporium is not legally responsible for any

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570
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571
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573
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574
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575
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577
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578
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Speaker 1: M m m. Yeah. Also, I'm realizing just how many

579
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580
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Speaker 1: to this night. You know, really, m m m. I'm

581
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Speaker 1: not sure if we've gotten quite too Giodordo's fine leather.

582
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Speaker 1: But uh, there's some stuff ahead that one'll stick with you. Actually,

583
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584
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586
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588
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590
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595
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597
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598
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600
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601
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602
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621
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624
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Speaker 1: your presence. So how does it work? Why? I'm glad

625
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626
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Speaker 1: You two can own one of our very first David

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628
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Speaker 1: put around your neck and it will emanate anti giant rays,

629
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Speaker 1: which has been proven by scientists that we pay to

630
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Speaker 1: say something. All right, now, I'm willing to go with

631
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:16,040
Speaker 1: you here because I don't want to get stomped by

632
00:40:16,120 --> 00:40:18,520
Speaker 1: sary fops. But she said that that sounds like a

633
00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:22,560
Speaker 1: really bad day. Who But honestly, yeah, got a level

634
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Speaker 1: with you here. You know, for all of my days,

635
00:40:24,680 --> 00:40:27,600
Speaker 1: I have never seen a giant. Ah, yes, of course.

636
00:40:27,719 --> 00:40:32,040
Speaker 1: Well that's probably because someone near you is wearing giant repellents.

637
00:40:32,360 --> 00:40:37,080
Speaker 1: Oh oh okay, all right, you know what? You know? What?

638
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639
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647
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648
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Speaker 1: A division of illumination global unlimited one zero zero, one

649
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657
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658
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Speaker 1: one zero, one zero zero zero. A division of Illumination

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Speaker 1: Global Unlimited. Hey, are you tired of wearing the same

660
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Speaker 1: old shape? I sure I am, And it's not even

661
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Speaker 1: something to diet or exercise can solve. Man, Well, what's

662
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Speaker 1: a problem. Well, my skin just so tired of being human, buddy.

663
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664
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665
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Speaker 1: With this kit, you're just a few unhallowed rituals away

666
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Speaker 1: from shedding your immortal form and roaming the darkness to

667
00:42:38,200 --> 00:42:41,960
Speaker 1: do the bidding of a dark lord of your choosing. Right, Well,

668
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,080
Speaker 1: how's it work? It's simple. You just wait for a

669
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Speaker 1: moonless night, recite the incantations included in your hand the

670
00:42:47,239 --> 00:42:50,320
Speaker 1: instruction guide, smear yourself with the included wolf blood and

671
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:53,719
Speaker 1: baby fat, walk Wittershin's thrice around the included shrine, and

672
00:42:53,840 --> 00:42:56,680
Speaker 1: boom you can assume a shape of your choosing. Hey, hey,

673
00:42:56,800 --> 00:42:59,759
Speaker 1: hold on, I heard all this stuff before. Can I

674
00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:02,880
Speaker 1: really choose any dark lord I want? Because I know

675
00:43:02,960 --> 00:43:04,839
Speaker 1: a lot of these companies try to lock the into

676
00:43:04,880 --> 00:43:08,759
Speaker 1: one of them contracts for years or for souls or something. Well, yeah, yeah,

677
00:43:08,840 --> 00:43:11,920
Speaker 1: but this is different. You can choose anyone from Azaizel

678
00:43:12,000 --> 00:43:16,040
Speaker 1: to Catulu to balls, depakna and everything in between. Now

679
00:43:16,400 --> 00:43:19,760
Speaker 1: what sort of shapes did I assume those skies the limit?

680
00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:23,920
Speaker 1: Oh well, maybe we should say the darkness is the limit.

681
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:33,040
Speaker 1: Please be aware of that. Bad Dog Enterprises bear's no

682
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Speaker 1: legal responsibility for any the acts transpiring Mole under the

683
00:43:35,040 --> 00:43:36,759
Speaker 1: influence of dark Lords and assuming it on holy shape.

684
00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:40,160
Speaker 1: Bad Dog is indentified from acts including, but not limited to, murder, maming, assault, arson,

685
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Speaker 1: mail fraud, decapitation, fingerbiding, cannibalism, and drowning. Bad Dog Enterprises

686
00:43:43,320 --> 00:43:51,320
Speaker 1: is a subsidiary of illumination unlimited global Stumbling towards the

687
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,359
Speaker 1: bus stop after a late night Halloween party, Paul who

688
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:57,480
Speaker 1: finds a pair of shoes. He's not sure where the

689
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:00,680
Speaker 1: bus stop is when he finds these shoes. He's just

690
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:04,200
Speaker 1: sort of walking to where he thinks the stop should be.

691
00:44:04,920 --> 00:44:08,480
Speaker 1: He's going from memory, perhaps from a vague optimistic belief

692
00:44:08,600 --> 00:44:10,800
Speaker 1: that he can discover the bus stop with nothing but

693
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:14,279
Speaker 1: the distant light of downtown skyscrapers to guide him, the

694
00:44:14,480 --> 00:44:18,520
Speaker 1: same way his ancestors crossed oceans following the stars. The

695
00:44:18,680 --> 00:44:21,840
Speaker 1: last stretch between Pons and Iris is unlit. Careful of

696
00:44:21,880 --> 00:44:24,920
Speaker 1: the puddles flooding the curb. Paul shies away from the street.

697
00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:29,720
Speaker 1: The drizzle grows metastasizes Haul runs beneath the bridge spanning

698
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:33,440
Speaker 1: North Avenue, hoping to wait out the storm. He's huddled

699
00:44:33,480 --> 00:44:37,239
Speaker 1: against the concrete, hiding from the rain, cursing softly at

700
00:44:37,280 --> 00:44:40,880
Speaker 1: the car's sprain puddles onto the sidewalk as they speed west.

701
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:44,880
Speaker 1: He leans against the concrete, wishing for a smoke or

702
00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:48,799
Speaker 1: an uber and he sees the shoes. They're dark leather,

703
00:44:49,600 --> 00:44:57,239
Speaker 1: something Italian, not new, but they seem artfully warm, expensive, substantial.

704
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:02,319
Speaker 1: His shoes broken down, pinkst Jordan's feel leaky and cheap.

705
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:05,600
Speaker 1: As he stares at the dress shoes placed neatly against

706
00:45:05,680 --> 00:45:10,239
Speaker 1: the concrete wall, heels back toes, facing the street. Paul

707
00:45:10,400 --> 00:45:15,640
Speaker 1: momentarily imagined some well dressed revolutionary of bygone days, standing

708
00:45:15,680 --> 00:45:19,040
Speaker 1: against the wall, fearlessly, lighting a last cigarette as he

709
00:45:19,120 --> 00:45:23,000
Speaker 1: bids his executioners to steady themselves, to remember they are

710
00:45:23,040 --> 00:45:28,040
Speaker 1: men to shoot. The water seeping into his Jordans brings

711
00:45:28,120 --> 00:45:31,760
Speaker 1: Paul back to reality. He regards the dress shoes and wonders,

712
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:36,239
Speaker 1: should I He's just drunk enough to try them? On,

713
00:45:36,760 --> 00:45:40,560
Speaker 1: putting one foot in gingerly, then the next they fit perfectly.

714
00:45:41,040 --> 00:45:43,720
Speaker 1: The rain slows back to a drizzle, and Paul stumbles

715
00:45:43,760 --> 00:45:47,359
Speaker 1: into the night, is broken. Jordan's discarded and forgotten, as

716
00:45:47,400 --> 00:45:51,440
Speaker 1: a passing card gives water across their souls. Paul's beginning

717
00:45:51,480 --> 00:45:54,520
Speaker 1: to worry he won't find the stop. He's admitting he

718
00:45:54,600 --> 00:45:58,399
Speaker 1: can't remember the exact location of the bus stop. He's

719
00:45:58,440 --> 00:46:00,920
Speaker 1: beginning to think he should have called in Fever before

720
00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:03,759
Speaker 1: his phone died. When a car pulls slowly beside him

721
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:07,120
Speaker 1: and honks the horn. The window rolls down, revealing a

722
00:46:07,160 --> 00:46:10,320
Speaker 1: woman Paul doesn't know. She wears a long red scarf,

723
00:46:10,480 --> 00:46:14,319
Speaker 1: one of those kinds. Paul's mom calls an infinity. Hey,

724
00:46:14,719 --> 00:46:19,920
Speaker 1: she says, get in. Paul thinks she's pretty. Who's this?

725
00:46:20,760 --> 00:46:22,480
Speaker 1: No way am I taking a ride with this weirdo?

726
00:46:22,719 --> 00:46:25,200
Speaker 1: And these thoughts come to him all at once, tripping

727
00:46:25,280 --> 00:46:28,640
Speaker 1: over one another, like strangers, interrupting, like runners in a

728
00:46:28,719 --> 00:46:31,279
Speaker 1: crowded room. And he's just drunk enough to hop in

729
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:33,680
Speaker 1: the car. I'm just headed to the bus stop. The

730
00:46:33,800 --> 00:46:37,120
Speaker 1: woman doesn't respond, just drives toward the city in silence.

731
00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:41,440
Speaker 1: She parks along, then unfamiliar side street, an alley almost

732
00:46:41,640 --> 00:46:45,560
Speaker 1: in the heart of downtown. Where's the bus stop? The

733
00:46:45,680 --> 00:46:48,040
Speaker 1: woman doesn't answer. She hops out of the car and

734
00:46:48,120 --> 00:46:51,920
Speaker 1: Paul follows her. Are we near a train station? The

735
00:46:52,040 --> 00:46:55,480
Speaker 1: woman looks back over her shoulder. Come on, She's heading

736
00:46:55,480 --> 00:46:58,600
Speaker 1: toward Peachtree and Paul walks after her into a bar.

737
00:47:00,440 --> 00:47:04,120
Speaker 1: Paul thinks a lot of that it should be. The

738
00:47:04,239 --> 00:47:07,160
Speaker 1: place is like one long hallway with a pool table

739
00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:09,600
Speaker 1: at the end. Most of the crowd is in one

740
00:47:09,680 --> 00:47:13,200
Speaker 1: sort of costume or another. Hey, says a man at

741
00:47:13,239 --> 00:47:16,520
Speaker 1: the bar, chewing on her toothpick. You should watch out, buddy,

742
00:47:17,080 --> 00:47:19,600
Speaker 1: Coop ain't gonna be happy to see you. Who the

743
00:47:19,640 --> 00:47:22,399
Speaker 1: hell is Coop? Says Paul. The man just turns back

744
00:47:22,440 --> 00:47:25,000
Speaker 1: to the bar, staring at a rerun of football on

745
00:47:25,120 --> 00:47:28,560
Speaker 1: the staticky television. Paul's looking around for the woman who

746
00:47:28,760 --> 00:47:32,439
Speaker 1: took me here, he thinks, conducted me. When another woman

747
00:47:32,520 --> 00:47:34,760
Speaker 1: walks up to him, she hands him an old fashioned

748
00:47:35,680 --> 00:47:39,200
Speaker 1: you're a cypersore eyes, babe. She's tall with long hair

749
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:42,359
Speaker 1: and dark eyes. She looks him up and down. Breath night.

750
00:47:43,480 --> 00:47:46,480
Speaker 1: Do we know each other? She raises an eyebrow. Lax,

751
00:47:46,960 --> 00:47:49,960
Speaker 1: you always say that. The tall woman leans close to

752
00:47:50,040 --> 00:47:54,160
Speaker 1: Paul's face. Listen, what do you say we are? You're cheating, bastard.

753
00:47:54,239 --> 00:47:56,800
Speaker 1: What are you doing in here? Paul turns just in

754
00:47:56,920 --> 00:47:59,840
Speaker 1: time to raise his hands in defense. The screaming man's

755
00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:03,359
Speaker 1: wings why, shattering the old fashioned to the floor. Paul

756
00:48:03,440 --> 00:48:07,120
Speaker 1: stumbles back, a busy heart racing Coop down, yells the

757
00:48:07,200 --> 00:48:10,080
Speaker 1: tall woman. Paul's eyes race for something to grab, a

758
00:48:10,160 --> 00:48:12,880
Speaker 1: pool stick, a bottle, a chair. No one in the

759
00:48:12,960 --> 00:48:15,799
Speaker 1: bar moves to intervene. It is as if he does

760
00:48:15,880 --> 00:48:19,440
Speaker 1: not exist. Paul grabs the chair, feeling like a lion tamer.

761
00:48:19,560 --> 00:48:22,759
Speaker 1: He yells at the bar, then to the man, who

762
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:25,160
Speaker 1: must be Coop. Look, dude, I don't know you. You

763
00:48:25,280 --> 00:48:28,799
Speaker 1: got to calm down. The man Coop draws a gun.

764
00:48:29,080 --> 00:48:31,680
Speaker 1: Paul throws the chair, knocking Coop to the floor. He

765
00:48:31,840 --> 00:48:33,920
Speaker 1: glances at the door and sees the woman in the

766
00:48:34,000 --> 00:48:37,440
Speaker 1: red scarf leaving. He chases her. As they round a corner,

767
00:48:37,560 --> 00:48:40,000
Speaker 1: he hears the bar door slam, the sound of heavy

768
00:48:40,040 --> 00:48:44,399
Speaker 1: boots in pursuit. Hey yells Paul, who the hell are

769
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:47,799
Speaker 1: you help me? The lady in the scarf turns as

770
00:48:47,840 --> 00:48:50,799
Speaker 1: she opens the car door. I can't, it's too late.

771
00:48:51,320 --> 00:48:54,920
Speaker 1: A gunshot brings impossibly loud behind Paul, and his vision

772
00:48:55,000 --> 00:49:06,120
Speaker 1: explodes to red to white to black. Early the next morning,

773
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:09,000
Speaker 1: the medical examiner turns on an audio recorder as he

774
00:49:09,080 --> 00:49:13,960
Speaker 1: prepares to conduct the autopsy. Okay, let's see what we

775
00:49:14,040 --> 00:49:20,680
Speaker 1: got here. Unidentified mail, late twenties MESSI gunshot wounds to

776
00:49:20,760 --> 00:49:25,839
Speaker 1: the head from the rear, execution style one of those

777
00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:30,680
Speaker 1: lately another day in Paradise, I guess. The examiner pauses

778
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:34,080
Speaker 1: before continuing. He takes off one of the corpse's shoes,

779
00:49:34,520 --> 00:49:37,279
Speaker 1: then the other. He holds them up to the light.

780
00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:42,799
Speaker 1: Ralph burrowed watching the shine of the dark. Hand made leather. Huh,

781
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:54,080
Speaker 1: he says, are you again Giadorno's fine leather, Stay one

782
00:49:54,200 --> 00:49:57,359
Speaker 1: step ahead. Giodorno's fine leather is not responsible for any

783
00:49:57,360 --> 00:49:59,919
Speaker 1: of the following possible side efects. Sussession, demonic possession, grant,

784
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:04,600
Speaker 1: auto aphacia, convulsion, spring fever, compunction, consumption, left handedness, ultrguist activity,

785
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:07,680
Speaker 1: unexplained bounces of telekinesis, phantom limb athletes foot LaDonna goes

786
00:50:07,719 --> 00:50:10,400
Speaker 1: to chikers Chupacapa, the phantom of the opera. Blame is

787
00:50:10,480 --> 00:50:14,920
Speaker 1: round ectoplasmic excretions Giadornau's Fine Leather, brought to you by

788
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:25,759
Speaker 1: Illumination Global Unlimited. Are you tired of being sold full

789
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:28,920
Speaker 1: priced tickets to half rate bunkers who wants to pawn

790
00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:31,800
Speaker 1: off their worldly possessions, only to find themselves trapped in

791
00:50:31,880 --> 00:50:36,000
Speaker 1: a tiny room with strangers, no windows, crappy snacks, and

792
00:50:36,160 --> 00:50:38,400
Speaker 1: plain old tap wak you Well, that's why you need

793
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Speaker 1: bunk Buddies, the new service by IGU. It's free hand

794
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Speaker 1: it's easy. Just sign up on our handy website, confirm

795
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Speaker 1: the auto filled information about your name, social status, income, fears,

796
00:50:49,360 --> 00:50:52,279
Speaker 1: place of birthplace of death, and so on. And don't worry,

797
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:54,960
Speaker 1: we already have most of that. We'll match you to

798
00:50:55,040 --> 00:50:58,239
Speaker 1: the ideal roommate and a quality post apocalyptic bunker. But

799
00:50:58,680 --> 00:51:02,400
Speaker 1: what about my diet requirements, my xbox, my hobbies and

800
00:51:02,480 --> 00:51:05,080
Speaker 1: all the other stuff from you know, before the disaster.

801
00:51:05,239 --> 00:51:08,040
Speaker 1: Oh don't worry, friend, we know that too. Your digital

802
00:51:08,160 --> 00:51:11,080
Speaker 1: footprint lets us know everything about you, what you like,

803
00:51:11,440 --> 00:51:13,920
Speaker 1: what you don't like, who you should mate with, who

804
00:51:13,960 --> 00:51:15,960
Speaker 1: will be your new friend as well as your new

805
00:51:16,160 --> 00:51:19,759
Speaker 1: arch nemesis, your shoe size, your genetic disposition, you're a

806
00:51:19,840 --> 00:51:24,440
Speaker 1: permanent record from elementary school. Seriously, seriously, Ron, we know

807
00:51:24,600 --> 00:51:28,000
Speaker 1: everything about you. Oh man, that's kind of creepy. Oh

808
00:51:29,320 --> 00:51:31,959
Speaker 1: it sure is it, sure is? Ron. You see, friend,

809
00:51:32,200 --> 00:51:34,920
Speaker 1: the world is a puzzle, and every living person who

810
00:51:35,040 --> 00:51:39,120
Speaker 1: isn't decayed aristocracy or just skating off an undeserved inheritance,

811
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:41,760
Speaker 1: it is just another tiny piece in this grand design.

812
00:51:42,160 --> 00:51:44,560
Speaker 1: And once you're all matched together in a newly knit,

813
00:51:44,719 --> 00:51:48,520
Speaker 1: gigantic underground family unit, how even people like you will

814
00:51:48,560 --> 00:51:52,240
Speaker 1: be part of the bigger picture. But what about my family?

815
00:51:52,360 --> 00:51:54,759
Speaker 1: Oh you're a new one or the old one. You're

816
00:51:54,800 --> 00:51:57,000
Speaker 1: telling me you wouldn't want to bunk with this little lady.

817
00:52:00,560 --> 00:52:03,560
Speaker 1: Oh that's what we've thought. So come on sign up today,

818
00:52:03,880 --> 00:52:13,040
Speaker 1: look forwards to lay. Please note the Bunker Buddies internationals

819
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,920
Speaker 1: neither in INGEO nor charity. Bunker Buddies International is a

820
00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:17,040
Speaker 1: division of United Nations Global be Location Program. Bunker Buddy

821
00:52:17,040 --> 00:52:18,880
Speaker 1: is legally required to notify you of the following affiliations

822
00:52:18,920 --> 00:52:20,800
Speaker 1: I am F World Bank, T and T Novel Price Committee,

823
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Speaker 1: Flack a flack apack in r a USB. Punk Buddy

824
00:52:22,760 --> 00:52:24,600
Speaker 1: is legally not responsible for the following conditions. Kevin Fever,

825
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Speaker 1: Captain Madness, space madness, indigestion, constipation, crazy eye, loopy hand,

826
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Speaker 1: were wolf vism like antherapy, like Anthpy two of the Quickening,

827
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Speaker 1: Highlanded Movies, Starvation, Emaciation, shoe Madness, Delineates, Feline Kimia, king

828
00:52:33,160 --> 00:52:35,240
Speaker 1: I Mouth, puppy breath, shaved neck, hairneck utation, Bunker Buddies,

829
00:52:35,239 --> 00:52:44,200
Speaker 1: A Division, Illumination, Global Unlimited. What a ride? Wow? And Noli,

830
00:52:44,239 --> 00:52:46,920
Speaker 1: you said you still have the shoes Huh yeah, yeah,

831
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:52,040
Speaker 1: they're They're They're very well made, Gidarno's fine leather. And Matt,

832
00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:56,279
Speaker 1: I believe you have successfully repelled giants for several years

833
00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:59,440
Speaker 1: though I really have. Yes, and I'm still using fart

834
00:52:59,600 --> 00:53:05,880
Speaker 1: every day? Yes, good to you? Is that using farts

835
00:53:07,400 --> 00:53:14,280
Speaker 1: fight making farts financial financial alternatives to real transactions farts?

836
00:53:14,400 --> 00:53:17,720
Speaker 1: They do great work for all of our money laundring

837
00:53:17,920 --> 00:53:24,160
Speaker 1: art aficionados in the crowd. Yes, yeah, yeah, that's the tagline. Honestly,

838
00:53:25,760 --> 00:53:28,600
Speaker 1: we hope you enjoyed those is very, very weird, surreal

839
00:53:28,719 --> 00:53:32,200
Speaker 1: to hear them all at once. I think this might

840
00:53:32,239 --> 00:53:34,759
Speaker 1: not even be the totality all the ones we've done,

841
00:53:34,880 --> 00:53:38,399
Speaker 1: but it's a lot. Yeah, it does feel a bit

842
00:53:38,560 --> 00:53:41,080
Speaker 1: like insanity once you're in the midst of all of

843
00:53:41,120 --> 00:53:44,279
Speaker 1: those ads and there's like no way out, and you

844
00:53:44,400 --> 00:53:46,239
Speaker 1: know that there's more coming, and you look down you're like,

845
00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:48,840
Speaker 1: oh god, there's twenty more minutes of this. Oh no,

846
00:53:48,960 --> 00:53:51,640
Speaker 1: And the walls are closing in and the bottom floors

847
00:53:51,719 --> 00:53:54,719
Speaker 1: dropping out, and there's a there's like a mode of

848
00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:59,279
Speaker 1: crocodiles under there you can cling on. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah,

849
00:53:59,320 --> 00:54:02,879
Speaker 1: I love the herns mop And we're not useful paid

850
00:54:02,960 --> 00:54:05,480
Speaker 1: to say that we do actually love the Hermes mop

851
00:54:06,160 --> 00:54:11,319
Speaker 1: as as a super shifter, yea so much. Yeah, as

852
00:54:11,400 --> 00:54:15,040
Speaker 1: super Shifter asked us a little bit earlier off air,

853
00:54:15,520 --> 00:54:20,040
Speaker 1: so is this like interdimensional cable? And it sort of is,

854
00:54:20,080 --> 00:54:22,839
Speaker 1: except it's all true. And if you try to find

855
00:54:22,920 --> 00:54:25,399
Speaker 1: one of these products and you can't, that means there's

856
00:54:25,440 --> 00:54:29,000
Speaker 1: something suspicious going on. So just say, no cartoon, right,

857
00:54:29,239 --> 00:54:31,759
Speaker 1: This is real life, right, yeah, and real real life

858
00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:35,120
Speaker 1: is cartoonish, sure, but there's a difference ish. Yeah, So

859
00:54:35,320 --> 00:54:37,399
Speaker 1: if you have and I think, but Ben, I think

860
00:54:37,520 --> 00:54:41,440
Speaker 1: buck Thunder tumbles Sigil and what was it something in

861
00:54:41,520 --> 00:54:44,320
Speaker 1: Sigil Emporia. I think it's still around. I made it

862
00:54:44,400 --> 00:54:48,040
Speaker 1: through the pandemic. I'm pretty sure that's God. Yeah, God's

863
00:54:48,760 --> 00:54:51,320
Speaker 1: let's you know, let's hear it for breaking the dark onesses.

864
00:54:51,480 --> 00:54:54,840
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah. And so if you are having trouble

865
00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:58,640
Speaker 1: finding any of these fine Illumination Global Unlimited products, feel

866
00:54:58,680 --> 00:55:00,879
Speaker 1: free to write to us, or if you've tried one

867
00:55:00,920 --> 00:55:04,120
Speaker 1: out and you want your fellow conspiracy realist to know

868
00:55:04,239 --> 00:55:06,360
Speaker 1: your experience, we'd love to hear from you. Try to

869
00:55:06,400 --> 00:55:08,640
Speaker 1: be easy to find online. Some of those promo codes

870
00:55:08,640 --> 00:55:12,120
Speaker 1: are probably still good. Yeah, I am a bad person.

871
00:55:12,760 --> 00:55:16,480
Speaker 1: That was my favorite promo code. Yeah. And you can

872
00:55:16,560 --> 00:55:19,280
Speaker 1: let us know on the social media of your choosing

873
00:55:19,800 --> 00:55:21,600
Speaker 1: or all of them. Hell, we don't care. We don't.

874
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:25,000
Speaker 1: We don't differentiate. We are conspiracy stuff show on YouTube

875
00:55:25,320 --> 00:55:28,680
Speaker 1: or you could drop a comment like comment or whatever

876
00:55:28,960 --> 00:55:32,480
Speaker 1: and like they say, ring the bell. And we're also

877
00:55:32,600 --> 00:55:34,800
Speaker 1: on Twitter a conspiracy stuff and on Facebook or we

878
00:55:34,840 --> 00:55:36,960
Speaker 1: have our Facebook group here's where it gets crazy on

879
00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:41,360
Speaker 1: TikTok and Instagram where conspiracy stuff show. On the telephone,

880
00:55:41,480 --> 00:55:45,320
Speaker 1: we are one eight three three std wy t K.

881
00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:49,000
Speaker 1: It's a voicemail, give yourself a cool nickname, say whatever

882
00:55:49,080 --> 00:55:51,240
Speaker 1: you'd like. Do. Let us know if we have permission

883
00:55:51,320 --> 00:55:53,719
Speaker 1: to use your voice and message on the air. If

884
00:55:53,760 --> 00:55:55,560
Speaker 1: you don't want to contact us in those ways, why

885
00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:58,120
Speaker 1: not send us a good old fashioned email. We are

886
00:55:58,760 --> 00:56:03,120
Speaker 1: conspiracy at heart radio dot com. One zero zero one

887
00:56:03,320 --> 00:56:06,759
Speaker 1: one one zero zero, Oh god and so Zer, oh God.

888
00:56:07,480 --> 00:56:27,200
Speaker 1: Oh I don't know stuff they don't want you to know.

889
00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:30,680
Speaker 1: Is a production of iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from my

890
00:56:30,760 --> 00:56:34,240
Speaker 1: heart Radio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever

891
00:56:34,360 --> 00:56:35,640
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.