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Speaker 1: The Fread Show is on. It's stay or go. All right,

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Speaker 1: Haley is here for some relationship advice. Good morning, Haley, welcome, Hey,

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Speaker 1: good morning, Hailey. What's going on? Fill us in with

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Speaker 1: everything here, because you know, again, the right thing to

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Speaker 1: do when you're in a predicament in your relationship is

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Speaker 1: to call the radio show. And I joke about that

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Speaker 1: all the time, except you've got a bunch of different

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Speaker 1: perspectives here. You've got seventeen people on this show, so

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Speaker 1: surely someone will give you advice that's that's worthwhile. Probably

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Speaker 1: not me, but maybe somebody else. Go ahead.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, okay, Well, I've been married to my husband for

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Speaker 2: about three years and we don't have any kids. We

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Speaker 2: both work full time and we make a okay money,

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Speaker 2: but we don't have any like substantial savings or you know,

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Speaker 2: money saved up, do you?

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Speaker 1: OKAYLN sixty six dollars for a bachelor party. No, it's

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Speaker 1: not me, because I was going to handle this right

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Speaker 1: now myself and shame you publicly. I was going to

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Speaker 1: stone you in the square until you right exactly. Okay,

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Speaker 1: So all right, I'm sorry. Continue, Yeah, okay.

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Speaker 2: So recently my husband Sam brought up the fact that

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Speaker 2: like we should start saving more, and I agree, like

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Speaker 2: that makes sense, we should have savings put away. So

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Speaker 2: we decided we were going to like stop stop unnecessary spindhu,

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Speaker 2: stop boring takeout, and just like even pause. We normally

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Speaker 2: have regular date nights, and we haven't been doing those

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Speaker 2: for like the last couple of months now. So then

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Speaker 2: here's where the problem comes in a little bit, after

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Speaker 2: we have this conversation about saving beside to cut back,

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Speaker 2: my husband comes home with a brand new sixty truck.

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Speaker 1: Oh no he didn't, Wow, Oh no he didn't.

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Speaker 2: So I'm extremely pissed that he didn't talk to me

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Speaker 2: before making such a big urshes. And then I'm also

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Speaker 2: just hurt that I was also saving. I was also

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Speaker 2: putting in THEBS and apparently we don't even have enough

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Speaker 2: money for him to take me our usual date night.

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Speaker 2: But then he can go buy that's hugely expensive.

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Speaker 1: New car, and you could argue, I mean, he could say, well,

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Speaker 1: it's not that much more than a car I had

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Speaker 1: before or whatever. But if you're trying to save money,

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Speaker 1: uh you know it developed like a nest egg or

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Speaker 1: some savings or whatever, then pay the car off that

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Speaker 1: you've got as opposed to starting the clock over again,

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Speaker 1: and then you can use the excess to save, you know.

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Speaker 1: So for the people saying well, I don't know, I

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Speaker 1: mean maybe he didn't cost that much more, maybe he

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Speaker 1: got a good deal or whatever, my thing would be

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Speaker 1: pay that, you know, if in fact you're trying to save,

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Speaker 1: then don't go out and go spend more money, you know,

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Speaker 1: for the foreseeable future five years however long. The loan

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Speaker 1: is like paying the car off that you have, and

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Speaker 1: then you've got extra cash to save. But no, that's

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Speaker 1: not what he wanted to do, and he didn't talk

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Speaker 1: to you about this. He just went and did it.

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Speaker 2: Right, So now I'm like, well, or are we just

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Speaker 2: savings so he could go buy some truck?

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Speaker 1: Now?

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Speaker 3: Right?

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Speaker 2: Did he keep me into this? I don't, I don't know.

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Speaker 1: What did you What did he say to you? When

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Speaker 1: I'm sure you said, oh, because I don't even care

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Speaker 1: if you're saving or if you have if you're making

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Speaker 1: a conscious effort to do this. I mean, I would

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Speaker 1: imagine I'm not in a relationship, but if I would

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Speaker 1: imagine if I were in a relationship where finances were involved,

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Speaker 1: that that would be something, especially if there wasn't a

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Speaker 1: lot of extra money, and we were making a conscious

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Speaker 1: effort to say but I would imagine that's not something

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Speaker 1: that you just go do on your own without talking

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Speaker 1: to someone, Like if you're co mingling funds, I probably

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Speaker 1: don't go buy a sixty thousand dollars car without consulting

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Speaker 1: with you first. But so what what does he say

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Speaker 1: for himself?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, so we have a joint account. This was not

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Speaker 2: you know, you can't argue Ah with his money, he

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Speaker 2: can do whatever he wants. Like, we put him to

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Speaker 2: the same account and he just went and spent the

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Speaker 2: money and I told him, you know.

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Speaker 1: This was not okay.

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Speaker 2: Obviously this spends sixteen thousand dollars without talking to me.

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Speaker 2: And he really didn't have a good answer. He's just like, well,

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Speaker 2: you can't control me, and you know I needed a

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Speaker 2: new car and you knew that, which I didn't. I

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Speaker 2: don't think he did need a new car, but whatever,

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Speaker 2: this is his reasoning, and we're.

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Speaker 1: Like the wheels falling off the thing, like does someone

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Speaker 1: steal the engine? Like what what I mean? So he

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Speaker 1: doesn't have a legitimate argument for that.

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Speaker 2: Then no, you guys mentioned numerous times that he would

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Speaker 2: like to get a truck, but we've never talked in

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Speaker 2: detail about going to get one anytime. It was like, yeah, okay, yeah,

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Speaker 2: maybe someday, Yeah, maybe when you need a new car

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Speaker 2: or something. I had no idea he was going to

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Speaker 2: go do it right.

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Speaker 4: Wow, that's crazy though, to say you can't control me

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Speaker 4: or tell me what to sir, we are married. It's

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Speaker 4: not about controlling you. It's about literally talking things over.

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Speaker 4: It's a huge purchase and a really big deal and

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Speaker 4: where is my date nights?

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Speaker 1: Well, okay, does he show this kind of behavior normally,

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Speaker 1: Like is he typically someone who only thinks of himself

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Speaker 1: or is this kind of a rare occurrence.

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Speaker 2: No, I was really surprised. I mean normally he doesn't

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Speaker 2: really normally spend a lot of money. I did most

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Speaker 2: of the shopping things, and I talked to him if

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Speaker 2: I'm going to make a big purchase. I don't think

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Speaker 2: he's ever you know, probably laid a big purchase by himself.

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Speaker 2: So no, this was really random.

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Speaker 1: So what are you gonna do? I mean, I know

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Speaker 1: you're calling us to get feedback, but I mean, is

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Speaker 1: this something where you're you're like, this was so inconsiderate,

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Speaker 1: Like we're cutting corners here and not focusing on things

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Speaker 1: that like I don't know, trips together or date nights

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Speaker 1: or just little things, you know, and eating out and

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Speaker 1: just small luxuries. We're cutting back on this so that

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Speaker 1: you can have a car. That's not what we talked about.

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Speaker 1: Like maybe if you'd agreed to that, Hey I need

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Speaker 1: a new car. You know, my car isn't reliable, I

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Speaker 1: got to get to work whatever. Okay, well we'll cut

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Speaker 1: back on stuff so that you can you know, accomplish that.

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Speaker 1: That's a reasonable conversation. I'm sure happens in relationships all

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Speaker 1: the time, or hey, we need a new air conditioner

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Speaker 1: or whatever it is. But in this case, he just

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Speaker 1: went and did this that talking to you, I mean,

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Speaker 1: is it something where you're thinking, I don't even know

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Speaker 1: if I want to be with this guy.

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Speaker 2: I mean, honestly, yeah, because it's like I said, we

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Speaker 2: don't make a ton of money. Like a sixty thousand

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Speaker 2: dollars truck is not something I would have ever even considered.

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Speaker 2: It's just way too much. So now he's crippling us

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Speaker 2: financially just because he wanted a truck and didn't give

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Speaker 2: me any opportunity to weigh in like this is going

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Speaker 2: to affect us financially for literally years, the comp a songs.

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Speaker 2: He's making these car payments, and I don't think it's

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Speaker 2: fair to me. So I don't get to ever get

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Speaker 2: take out, go out and get cars, have date nights

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Speaker 2: or whatever so that I can support this truck.

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Speaker 1: I don't blame you, Hayley, I don't, but eight five

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Speaker 1: five five nine one three five you can context the

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Speaker 1: same number. I feel like this is a pretty relatable

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Speaker 1: story because I do know in relationships where people are

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Speaker 1: sharing funds that you know, sometimes people have different priorities

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Speaker 1: and disagree with how the money should be spent. And

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Speaker 1: I do think that's the kind of thing that you

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Speaker 1: want to establish before you marry somebody or get into

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Speaker 1: a relationship where you're com mingling funds. Do you guys

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Speaker 1: have the same philosophy about money that The challenging thing

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Speaker 1: here is it sounds like you do, and it sounds

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Speaker 1: like normally he does the right thing, or at least

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Speaker 1: thus far, but in this case he definitely didn't. And

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Speaker 1: I really don't know what you do. I mean, I

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Speaker 1: guess you could divorce the guy, leave him whatever, But

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Speaker 1: I don't really know how you rectify this, because he

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Speaker 1: did it already. This is kind of like that SNL skit,

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Speaker 1: Remember the SNL like the fake Lexus commercial where the

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Speaker 1: guy was like, look, honey, I bought you Alexis you

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Speaker 1: know it's just exept to remember or whatever, and she's like,

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Speaker 1: we're broke, and he's like, but it was a low

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Speaker 1: apor it's like APR like. And then it turns out

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Speaker 1: that you know, his wife's messing around with the neighbor

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Speaker 1: and he borrowed the money to get in there. And

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Speaker 1: it's if you haven't seen it, I'm sure it's on

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Speaker 1: TikTok or YouTube or whatever, but this sounds to me like,

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Speaker 1: but at least that car was for her, Uh, this

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Speaker 1: car is for him. So I guess what prevents him

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Speaker 1: from saying, you know what, I now I want a

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Speaker 1: new watch or now I want this or that, because

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Speaker 1: I guess, I just I don't know how you correct

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Speaker 1: this behavior. I guess is where I'm going.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, And well, I mean it's not like you can

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Speaker 2: just go return the truck as soon as he drove

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Speaker 2: it off the lot, so she appreciated the value. There's

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Speaker 2: I'm just concerned, Like I said, that now we're going

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Speaker 2: to be in a bad spot financially for literally years.

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Speaker 1: Maybe he sets you guys back, and it's not like

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Speaker 1: you can go buy a new car and say, well, fine,

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Speaker 1: you got one, I got one, because then that just

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Speaker 1: exacerbates the problem. Now you've just got more debt, so

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Speaker 1: you can't even really make it even per se.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, there's really that's that's the stressful thing is there's

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Speaker 2: really nothing I can do to fix this. So it's

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Speaker 2: just like, this is this the life I want? Do

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Speaker 2: I want to have to?

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Speaker 1: You know?

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Speaker 2: Because like I said, we were cutting out basically any

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Speaker 2: little luxuries to quote unquote saves aka apparently afford this truck.

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Speaker 2: So it's just do I want to have to live

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Speaker 2: like that until this thing is payed off?

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Speaker 1: Haley, I'm gonna take some phone calls, keep the radio

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Speaker 1: or the iHeart app on it unless see what people say,

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Speaker 1: Cause I do think there are people that can relate

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Speaker 1: to this, and I'd be curious to hear how they

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Speaker 1: handle it. But thank you for calling. Good luck?

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Speaker 2: Hey? Thanks?

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Speaker 1: Yeah, So eight five five one three five Haley's calling

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Speaker 1: stair go because they were consciously they had decided as

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Speaker 1: a couple consciously to save money. So they had some

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Speaker 1: savings and they had agreed how they were going to

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Speaker 1: do that, and they were going to cut back on

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Speaker 1: a bunch of stuff. They did that, you know, date nights,

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Speaker 1: and I thinks that probably would make them closer as

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Speaker 1: a couple, things that they enjoyed doing together. And then

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Speaker 1: this guy goes out and buys a new car, brand

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Speaker 1: new car, without consulting her. And it's like, wait a minute,

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Speaker 1: I thought we were saving and it's not even like

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Speaker 1: we were. We were having to cut back on luxuries

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Speaker 1: in order to do this, and then you go do that.

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Speaker 1: Micah him Michael, good morning, Good morning, Hiation, good morning,

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Speaker 1: thanks for calling, Thanks for listening. You've been through this. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: what happened. Yeah, so.

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Speaker 3: My then boyfriend, I mean I got engaged like a

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Speaker 3: month and a half ago, but my boyfriend at the

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Speaker 3: time we lived together, his car got stolen, so maybe

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Speaker 3: a little bit of a different situation. But he went

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Speaker 3: out and got a Mustang, like a nice, like very

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Speaker 3: expensive must It was giving like midlife crisis like scenario,

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Speaker 3: and it was a payment that like I knew, was

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Speaker 3: stretching him and like we hadn't fully combined our finances yet,

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Speaker 3: but we're on our way there. And I said to

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Speaker 3: him multiple multiple times, like, this is not a smart idea.

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Speaker 3: You know, this is not a smart idea. He went

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Speaker 3: and did it anyway, fast forward. He proposed as Then

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Speaker 3: I was like, all right, we got to talk about

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Speaker 3: the Mustang.

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Speaker 2: And he actually he he lives.

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Speaker 3: You know, because we talked it out, you know, and

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Speaker 3: I was like, look, we've got to pay for a

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Speaker 3: wedding coming out, like we have other priorities. He traded

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Speaker 3: it in for something that was a lower payment that

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Speaker 3: he was still happy in.

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Speaker 5: And so my point is.

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Speaker 3: Like, yes, i'd just been through this, but like I

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Speaker 3: think listening to the scenario, like it's her reaction to

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Speaker 3: be like should I leave him? Sounds like this didn't

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Speaker 3: happen like in a vacuum like this, This wasn't the

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Speaker 3: first time that she's he's given her reason to like question,

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Speaker 3: like first of all, just being considerate of her trust

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Speaker 3: to like all that kind of stuff. So I think

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Speaker 3: if there was a really solid foundation of trust and communication,

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Speaker 3: this wouldn't be like a stay or go question. But

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Speaker 3: it sounds like there may be, isn't that and so

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Speaker 3: therefore or.

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Speaker 2: Like a huge event like this.

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Speaker 5: I don't know.

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Speaker 3: I just think that needs to be evaluated.

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Speaker 1: Like and she, oh, oh he cut off your phone

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Speaker 1: now to pay for the Mustang? And what happens? Oh Michael,

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Speaker 1: you went away? Oh now you're back again. Oh no,

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Speaker 1: you you cut out because I think your I think

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Speaker 1: your husband's trying to cut off your cell phone, uh,

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Speaker 1: to pay for a water ski a jet ski. But

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Speaker 1: what so do you feel like he learned from that?

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Speaker 1: And do you feel like you know the behavior has

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Speaker 1: been adjusted, like it won't happen again.

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Speaker 3: Oh yeah, oh yeah, Like granted, his dog had just died,

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Speaker 3: seasonal depression was hitting hard, So I think the Mustang

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Speaker 3: was like a product of a lot of other things. Okay,

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Speaker 3: but no, we're We've got like some great communication going.

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Speaker 3: And yes, I think he learned his lessons.

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Speaker 1: Well good hey, Micah, I'm glad, and thank you for calling.

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Speaker 1: Have a good day.

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Speaker 3: Thank you.

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Speaker 1: I love you guys, thank you for listening to love

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Speaker 1: you too. This is why I say all the time

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Speaker 1: and again, the guy who is not in a relationship,

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Speaker 1: it never is, gives the relationship advice. But I do

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Speaker 1: think it's so important that when people get together that

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Speaker 1: they're on the same page about you know, saving or whatever,

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Speaker 1: because I think those are habits that are really hard

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Speaker 1: to change. You know, people who are just used to

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Speaker 1: just buying stuff worrying about it later, and you know,

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Speaker 1: get with somebody who's really financially conscious and saves a lot.

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Speaker 1: You know. I feel like this is the kind of

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Speaker 1: thing that you could run into Sarah, Hey, good morning,

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Speaker 1: Good morning.

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Speaker 2: Hi.

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Speaker 1: What do you think, Sarago? I think she should go Why?

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Speaker 6: Because I think when somebody when you sit down and

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Speaker 6: have a conversation and you come to an agreement and

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Speaker 6: then they go ahead and do completely opposite of what

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Speaker 6: you actually sat and talked about, it's going to continue

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Speaker 6: to happen.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, that was my question to her, is what prevents

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Speaker 1: this from happening again? He already did it once and

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Speaker 1: that was a big purchase. That's a lot of money.

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Speaker 6: Well, and not only that, it's like, okay, well she

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Speaker 6: stayed this time, right, And it doesn't ever even have

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Speaker 6: to be with money. It can be anything in a relationship.

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Speaker 5: Right.

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Speaker 6: So I just feel like once it's like okay, I

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Speaker 6: got that wiggle room in Yeah, she's mad, but she'll

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Speaker 6: get over it. Cool, we can move on. So unless

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Speaker 6: they actually go and they work on their communication with

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Speaker 6: somebody else, I don't think it's going to change. I

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Speaker 6: think this could be the start of a much bigger issue.

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Speaker 6: And finances in a marriage are huge in communication.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I would agree with you. Thank you, Sarah.

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Speaker 6: Yes, thanks, have a great day.

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Speaker 1: Yeah you too, thank you. Well, here we go this.

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Speaker 1: I knew this was coming. Hi, Jen, Hi, how are you? Hegan?

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Speaker 1: Good morning? So this woman called us stay or go

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Speaker 1: and they were she's married, and they were in this

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Speaker 1: relationship and they talked about saving and they needed money

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Speaker 1: in the bank and they didn't have any, and they

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Speaker 1: were cutting back on all kinds of things. And then

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Speaker 1: dude goes down and buys a brand new sixty thousand

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Speaker 1: dollars car. And she's like, wait a minute, I'm not

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Speaker 1: going to Starbucks, we're not going on date nights, we're

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Speaker 1: not taking trips together. We decided this together. And then

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Speaker 1: you go on and spend a bunch of money. What

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Speaker 1: do you think, why all of.

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Speaker 7: A sudden is he changing his character? She said that

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Speaker 7: this is totally out of the ordinary for him and

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Speaker 7: their marriage, and normally it sounds like, you know, they

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Speaker 7: have pretty good communication, and then all of a sudden

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Speaker 7: he goes and does this behind her back. That to

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Speaker 7: me is a clear cut sign that something else is

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Speaker 7: going on, especially the finger pointing.

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Speaker 5: You're trying to control me. I've been there, done that,

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Speaker 5: I've seen it, and.

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Speaker 7: I've had somebody do it to me. As soon as

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Speaker 7: they start pointing the finger and making you the enemy,

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Speaker 7: like you're trying to do something to hold them back,

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Speaker 7: there's something else going on underneath there so might not

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Speaker 7: have gone as far as like actually meeting, but talking internet.

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Speaker 5: You know, she needs the chin, his phone, she needs

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Speaker 5: to do something for check thought.

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Speaker 1: So he's cheating, you're saying he's at least emotionally cheating.

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Speaker 1: And the new girl's like, I don't like your car.

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Speaker 1: You better get a brand new truck or else, and

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Speaker 1: then himself.

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Speaker 2: The other girl.

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Speaker 7: Yeah, I don't even think it's the other girl telling

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Speaker 7: him that. I think it's just can go of, like

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Speaker 7: I can do what I want. And this is almost

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Speaker 7: a catalyst of Hey, this might kiss her off, but

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Speaker 7: who cares. A husband doesn't do that. You know, he

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Speaker 7: knows their situation, he knows what he told her. He's

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Speaker 7: either trying to start something or he feels inflated by

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Speaker 7: something else and now feels this sense of like entitlement

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Speaker 7: that he can do this and.

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Speaker 5: Nobody's going to tell him what to do. And as

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Speaker 5: soon as that starts, there's something else underneath that interesting.

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Speaker 1: Thank you so much, Jen, have a good day, no problem,

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Speaker 1: And Zach, you're listening. Pauline, I don't. You said it before,

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Speaker 1: so I don't. I'm not calling you out, but I

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Speaker 1: know that you've mentioned that you and Hovey have pretty

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Speaker 1: different financial pass and attitudes about spending, and you guys

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Speaker 1: have kind of gotten it together. But I mean, how

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Speaker 1: do you How do you do it? And you've been

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Speaker 1: together for a while now, I mean does it come up? Well,

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Speaker 1: it's more like how does Hobby do it?

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Speaker 4: Because I am the one, like you said, that buys

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Speaker 4: and then thinks about it later. Yeah, yesterday I bought

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Speaker 4: a new vacuum. Didn't need it, but in my head

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Speaker 4: I was like, I need I'll figure out later. And

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Speaker 4: him and I bump heads a lot because he's trying

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Speaker 4: to be the one that saves and is responsible and

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Speaker 4: he wants me to get on board with.

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Speaker 1: That, and it is hard.

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Speaker 4: It is like we've cut things out too, just because

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Speaker 4: I'm like, I don't wanna, I don't know. I want

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Speaker 4: to be more financially stable, but also I want to

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Speaker 4: be more financially responsible and teach my.

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Speaker 1: Daughter the same thing. And I'm I'm on board with that.

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Speaker 4: But here's the thing. If I came home with a

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Speaker 4: brand new drug or he did without consulting and it's

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Speaker 4: all about talking to each other, and he took away

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Speaker 4: my hooters or my muddy school's dates, then I would

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Speaker 4: be there'd be hell to pay because like, at the

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Speaker 4: end of the day, I look at it as like, Okay,

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Speaker 4: so priority to you was getting this new car. You

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Speaker 4: didn't talk to me about it, but she wanted this car.

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Speaker 4: Like I look at underneath what's going on, Like, you know,

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Speaker 4: is he acting out?

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Speaker 1: Is he trying to show me something?

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Speaker 4: Is he trying to show me I'm the big man

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Speaker 4: in the house, Like I don't know, there's something underneath.

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Speaker 1: That it's super inconsiderate to do this and don't take

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Speaker 1: away her mad East Coast Man, not the sea fo.

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Speaker 1: I love my date night. Absolutely not. Hey Jane, Jane,

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Speaker 1: Wait are you Jane? You're Jane? Well, it says Jane,

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Speaker 1: you might if I Jane anyway, So Jean jang to

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Speaker 1: still be it Bellahamine whatever, God bless her. So she's

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Speaker 1: going fast. What you've been through this sadly? And and

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Speaker 1: what's your experience?

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Speaker 5: I just had a miscarriage and my act Now I'm sorry,

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Speaker 5: thank you. But what had happened was he when he

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Speaker 5: took the money to go by himself a vehicle, and

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Speaker 5: not a vehicle but a full wheeler. And then later

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Speaker 5: on down the road he did something similar that once

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Speaker 5: that I didn't know about. And the thing once that

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Speaker 5: got me that she said the big red, huge red

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Speaker 5: flag was when she said he was like, you can't

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Speaker 5: control me. You know, I'm going you know this, I'm

396
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Speaker 5: going to do what I want. That is manipulation. That

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Speaker 5: is a big time red flag manipulation and without some

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Speaker 5: type of therapy and him addressing his issues. But what

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Speaker 5: he's doing to her isn't fair. So by trying to gaslighter,

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Speaker 5: that's basically a way of saying, I know what I

401
00:18:56,920 --> 00:18:59,359
Speaker 5: did was wrong, but now I'm going to put it

402
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Speaker 5: on you. This is a grown man that doesn't even

403
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Speaker 5: want to be accountable. And you know, maybe he's never

404
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,720
Speaker 5: done anything like this before, but maybe now he's starting

405
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Speaker 5: to show who he really is, because we're not talking

406
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Speaker 5: about a vacuum, you know, we're talking about sixty thousand

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Speaker 5: dollars that is going to be able to hurt their

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Speaker 5: ability to have a date night, you know, just the

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Speaker 5: little stuff. And he just didn't care, you know, and

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Speaker 5: that is not the sign of an emotionally mature around

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Speaker 5: a person. And you know, she has to ask herself,

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Speaker 5: do I want to you know, try and see if

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Speaker 5: he's going to start being accountable. But with what he

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Speaker 5: said to her, I don't think he's anywhere near ready.

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Speaker 1: But I didn't didn't tell you I've got it. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I got it. And he should be more thoughtful about

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Speaker 1: what you're going through and not adding that extra stress

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Speaker 1: and steadis he's thinking about himself. Hey, Jeene Jane, thank you,

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Speaker 1: have a good day. Bye bye, Thank you for calling.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for listening. Jean Jane, love you. Yeah. I

421
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Speaker 1: think she should divorce him, take take half the money,

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Speaker 1: and then go buy herself like a cyber truck or something. Yes,

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Speaker 1: I like it, you know, just something obnoxious. Get it

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Speaker 1: wrapped with pictures of his face on it. There's you know,

425
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:12,720
Speaker 1: dollar bills or I'm not sure you know, just something

426
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Speaker 1: something outrageous, right, But this.

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Speaker 4: Is why you always need a separate account on the

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Speaker 4: side that he doesn't know about.

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Speaker 1: You're not They're not ready to that conversation.

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Speaker 2: They're not ready read.

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Speaker 1: So let me just be clear, like she should extort

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Speaker 1: money from them and that's better them.

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Speaker 5: You think I'm kidding me.

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Speaker 1: Makes perfect sense, Yet no, you guys are on it.

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Speaker 1: I don't even know why. We just say that twenty

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Speaker 1: minutes ago and end the segment. Kiki is up next.

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Speaker 1: Reread show