WEBVTT - #116 How is this pain supposed to make me better? 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:03.000 It sounds so hard to because you seem you seem 0:00:03.040 --> 0:00:04.680 like you're just right in the middle of the fire. 0:00:04.720 --> 0:00:06.800 How am I ever gonna get out of this? How 0:00:06.800 --> 0:00:08.799 am I gonna look back and go? I was refined 0:00:08.880 --> 0:00:26.680 by this this pain. But you will you will. Hey, everybody, 0:00:26.720 --> 0:00:29.680 Welcome to the Granger Smith Podcast. This is episode one 0:00:29.760 --> 0:00:33.000 hundred and sixteen. Thank you for listening, Thanks for watching. 0:00:33.000 --> 0:00:36.320 Wherever you are. You know, Spotify now has video. You 0:00:36.360 --> 0:00:38.560 can go and listen to the podcast and actually see 0:00:38.600 --> 0:00:41.559 the video right there on your Spotify app, which is awesome. 0:00:41.880 --> 0:00:44.720 You could watch me on YouTube, Apple podcast app, and 0:00:44.840 --> 0:00:48.560 anywhere else that you can listen to podcasts. That's where 0:00:48.560 --> 0:00:50.720 you're gonna find this one. Thank you to the longtime 0:00:50.800 --> 0:00:53.680 listeners and what's up to the brand new listeners. Maybe 0:00:53.680 --> 0:00:56.520 you came from TikTok. I've been putting up a lot 0:00:56.520 --> 0:00:59.560 of these little clips from these videos. Ian, the guy 0:00:59.560 --> 0:01:02.120 that edis this what shout out to Ian? He's crushing it. 0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:04.959 And Ian will make these clips and then I'll put 0:01:04.959 --> 0:01:07.520 it to music and put it on TikTok or Instagram reels. 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:10.720 So some people come from that. Some people come from 0:01:11.040 --> 0:01:13.480 that TikTok that I put on Twitter. So however you 0:01:13.600 --> 0:01:17.600 got here, however you found out about this podcast, I'm 0:01:17.640 --> 0:01:21.080 just grateful. I love this platform, I love the long 0:01:21.160 --> 0:01:23.440 term form of it. And what we do here on 0:01:23.480 --> 0:01:28.480 this podcast is I answer your questions. You email Granger 0:01:28.560 --> 0:01:33.240 Smith Podcast at gmail dot com. It could be anything 0:01:33.319 --> 0:01:36.800 about any subject. It could be about music, it could 0:01:36.800 --> 0:01:39.800 be about career, it could be about relationships. It could 0:01:39.840 --> 0:01:44.600 be about grief and loss or or finances, really anything, 0:01:44.680 --> 0:01:47.640 and I've seen anything and everything. Email me. Put a 0:01:47.640 --> 0:01:50.680 good subject line, make it readable, you know, like, don't 0:01:50.680 --> 0:01:53.320 make it ten pages long. And tell me your name 0:01:53.560 --> 0:01:55.720 unless you want to be anonymous, and tell me where 0:01:55.760 --> 0:01:57.120 you're from so I can get it kind of an 0:01:57.120 --> 0:02:02.080 idea of who I'm talking to. And I love I 0:02:02.160 --> 0:02:04.720 love digging into these I have so much going on 0:02:04.760 --> 0:02:08.280 in my life and brand new radio show starting January. First, 0:02:08.280 --> 0:02:11.000 you're gonna hear me on a show called After Midnight, 0:02:11.200 --> 0:02:14.640 nationally syndicated show, and so you're gonna hear me from 0:02:14.680 --> 0:02:18.440 midnight to six am probably in most places in the country. 0:02:18.440 --> 0:02:21.120 You'll be able to find this on FM radio. And 0:02:21.160 --> 0:02:24.680 then I have the smiths Our YouTube channel, our family vlog. 0:02:25.040 --> 0:02:29.400 And then of course, I have music, touring, songwriting, recording, 0:02:30.120 --> 0:02:32.720 and I'm working on a couple other things that are 0:02:32.760 --> 0:02:34.320 kind of a secret that I can't say yet, but 0:02:34.360 --> 0:02:36.920 they're really big, and one of them, one of those 0:02:36.960 --> 0:02:40.919 reasons is why I look like I've forgotten my razor 0:02:40.960 --> 0:02:42.840 and I'm just completely free out to shave in a 0:02:42.880 --> 0:02:46.000 long time. That is all coming soon. I'm gonna I'm 0:02:46.000 --> 0:02:49.320 gonna explain all this soon. I'm by myself, no guest today. 0:02:50.720 --> 0:02:53.800 During the holiday season. It's just more difficult to coordinate 0:02:54.160 --> 0:02:56.760 on my end having someone come and picking a time, 0:02:56.800 --> 0:02:59.720 because it really ends up this podcast ends up being 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:02.560 something where it's like, you know what I got some time, 0:03:02.880 --> 0:03:05.360 I'm gonna run up to my studio and record a podcast, 0:03:05.680 --> 0:03:08.160 and I literally pull up these emails that you guys sent, 0:03:08.560 --> 0:03:12.480 and I just start going through without really referencing, without studying. 0:03:12.560 --> 0:03:14.680 I don't have notes in front of me. I don't 0:03:14.680 --> 0:03:17.200 have like a list of really cool quotes. I kind 0:03:17.200 --> 0:03:19.040 of wish I did. Sometimes I wish I could be 0:03:19.080 --> 0:03:22.400 like Boom just to hashtag some just crazy quote that 0:03:22.480 --> 0:03:25.320 you know, rocks the world. I don't have that, so 0:03:25.360 --> 0:03:27.560 it's just it's all off the top. Of my head, 0:03:27.880 --> 0:03:29.920 and it's it's in a form that I like to 0:03:29.960 --> 0:03:32.800 think of in terms of We're sitting around a campfire 0:03:33.320 --> 0:03:35.360 and you know, it's getting late and the fire is 0:03:35.360 --> 0:03:38.480 burning down, and I'm sitting in an adirondyke chair and 0:03:38.560 --> 0:03:42.480 someone walks up and goes, hey, man, while we're sitting here, 0:03:42.560 --> 0:03:45.360 could I run something by you? And we just talked 0:03:45.360 --> 0:03:48.120 through it, you know, as if I'm just we're just 0:03:48.200 --> 0:03:52.320 old friends talking about something in their life. That's what 0:03:52.440 --> 0:03:56.640 this is. Because of that, I'm not going to be 0:03:56.840 --> 0:03:58.839 right all of the time. You're gonna have to take 0:03:58.920 --> 0:04:01.640 all of these answers with a grain of salt as 0:04:01.720 --> 0:04:03.880 if we're just friends. Sometimes, for instance, I'll see on 0:04:03.880 --> 0:04:06.839 TikTok one of these things go up, and I'll see 0:04:06.880 --> 0:04:09.200 some people that really like it, well a clip from 0:04:09.240 --> 0:04:13.080 the podcast, and then there's always people that go disagree, 0:04:13.160 --> 0:04:16.760 this is totally wrong. Hey, great, that's your opinion if 0:04:16.800 --> 0:04:20.480 you had a podcast, and you would probably answer it 0:04:20.560 --> 0:04:23.040 a different way. And I'm totally cool with that. That's 0:04:23.080 --> 0:04:25.680 just what we do around here, and thank you guys 0:04:25.720 --> 0:04:28.360 for listening. I want to dive in the only one 0:04:28.400 --> 0:04:30.680 that I've seen that I'm going to read today is 0:04:30.720 --> 0:04:34.600 the first one because I like to start with something 0:04:34.640 --> 0:04:37.920 a little bit lighter, so I don't just dive in 0:04:37.960 --> 0:04:40.599 and accidentally jump into an email that's super heavy. And 0:04:40.640 --> 0:04:44.279 that's how we start. So this first one, the subject 0:04:44.279 --> 0:04:50.039 line is message on YouTube Really you question Mark says, Hey, Granger, 0:04:50.080 --> 0:04:52.360 I got a notification from a comment I made on 0:04:52.440 --> 0:04:55.800 YouTube of one of your YouTube videos. It appears to 0:04:55.839 --> 0:04:58.880 be from you, but it seems unrealistic. Just checking to 0:04:58.880 --> 0:05:02.120 see if it's spam or not. If it is, I 0:05:02.160 --> 0:05:04.960 love the Smiths, your concert in Maine, and your podcast 0:05:05.080 --> 0:05:10.000 so inspirational. This comes from Sherry and Wales' Maine. Sherry, great, 0:05:10.120 --> 0:05:13.080 great question, and I love I love that you asked 0:05:13.080 --> 0:05:16.839 this because it's very important. In fact, many many many 0:05:16.880 --> 0:05:21.320 episodes ago, I did an entire podcast on this subject 0:05:21.360 --> 0:05:24.240 with a lot of research that I put in. There 0:05:24.279 --> 0:05:27.599 is so much spam. The short answer to you, Sherry, 0:05:27.680 --> 0:05:30.520 is no, it was not me. If it was me, 0:05:31.640 --> 0:05:35.000 there would be a blue check next to my name. Right, 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.359 So it's going to say everything I'm on in social media, 0:05:37.440 --> 0:05:42.719 everything that says Granger Smith that's me has a blue check. 0:05:43.120 --> 0:05:45.280 You have to look. And this is the same with 0:05:45.480 --> 0:05:51.080 any any influencer or celebrity, anyone with a lot of 0:05:51.120 --> 0:05:56.240 followers that has some kind of platform, almost all of 0:05:56.279 --> 0:05:59.120 them are verified and that's the blue check. So you 0:05:59.240 --> 0:06:00.880 need to look for the blue check because there's so 0:06:01.000 --> 0:06:05.840 much spam and it usually comes from Nigeria and they 0:06:05.880 --> 0:06:10.000 are getting more and more creative and it's it's crazy. 0:06:10.000 --> 0:06:12.080 As I did the research for the for the podcast 0:06:12.120 --> 0:06:15.160 that I talked about all this, there is there are 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:20.160 literally factories in Nigeria where people come into work just 0:06:20.200 --> 0:06:22.640 like anyone else works, and they walk in and they 0:06:22.640 --> 0:06:24.839 sit in front of a computer that's provided for them 0:06:24.880 --> 0:06:29.320 in the factory and their job literally is to create 0:06:29.480 --> 0:06:35.920 accounts based on American influencers and try to comment or 0:06:36.000 --> 0:06:41.600 direct message people. And what they're doing, they're always after something. 0:06:42.160 --> 0:06:45.400 So they might start it as thank you for being 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:47.840 a big fan, I love you so much. They're trying 0:06:47.839 --> 0:06:49.840 to open the conversation, but it's always going to end 0:06:49.920 --> 0:06:54.040 up being something like I created this account because my man. 0:06:54.080 --> 0:06:56.120 I didn't want my manager to know about it, or 0:06:56.279 --> 0:06:58.520 my record label or my wife to know about it. 0:06:58.560 --> 0:07:01.360 So I created this person account so that I can 0:07:01.440 --> 0:07:04.960 interact with my fans personally, it's all a lie. And 0:07:05.000 --> 0:07:07.400 then they're going to get you to eventually get off 0:07:07.440 --> 0:07:10.000 of that social media account and go to an email 0:07:10.400 --> 0:07:13.680 or go to a direct message, where then they're going 0:07:13.720 --> 0:07:17.600 to talk about financial problems that they're having and can 0:07:17.640 --> 0:07:21.600 you send them a iTunes gift card or an Amazon 0:07:21.640 --> 0:07:25.520 gift card or some kind of digital gift card. It's 0:07:25.600 --> 0:07:29.760 always that. The worst part is that a lot of 0:07:29.840 --> 0:07:33.320 times they're targeting charities and so they they'll act like 0:07:33.320 --> 0:07:37.080 they're a charity and that they're looking around the holiday 0:07:37.120 --> 0:07:39.640 season to build up so that they can give to 0:07:39.680 --> 0:07:42.280 the homeless or some you know, some kind of great cause, 0:07:43.240 --> 0:07:45.640 and it's like all I need is twenty five dollars 0:07:45.760 --> 0:07:47.440 gift card and we're going to give it to this 0:07:47.680 --> 0:07:52.720 great cause. It's it's all a lie. And unfortunately, the 0:07:52.800 --> 0:07:56.520 reason that there's factories in Nigeria is because so many 0:07:56.600 --> 0:08:00.560 people fall for it and so many people fall victim 0:08:00.560 --> 0:08:05.840 to it. And it's a tough situation because the kids 0:08:05.880 --> 0:08:08.280 that are doing this in Nigeria and they're all like 0:08:08.400 --> 0:08:13.360 twenty twenty one years old, they're not inherently more flawed 0:08:13.400 --> 0:08:16.840 than you or I. They are doing all they know 0:08:16.880 --> 0:08:19.760 how to do. They're getting there's not much. There's not 0:08:19.840 --> 0:08:22.720 very many jobs, and so they get recruited on the 0:08:22.720 --> 0:08:26.240 street and they come and they get an hourly wage. 0:08:26.880 --> 0:08:30.280 And it's not like it's one person just spamming the world. 0:08:30.480 --> 0:08:32.280 They work for a boss who has a boss who 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:35.120 has a boss, and so they're coming into work and 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:37.880 they don't really see the problem in it because they're 0:08:37.920 --> 0:08:40.400 so disconnected from it. They just do what they're told 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:43.800 to do. So I can't really blame them as much 0:08:43.840 --> 0:08:47.480 as we blame the system. But that being said, what 0:08:47.520 --> 0:08:50.439 we need to learn as listeners and as social media 0:08:50.520 --> 0:08:55.320 followers is how to navigate the dark alleys of social media. 0:08:55.720 --> 0:08:59.000 And what I mean by that is when we know 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:04.679 as humans, because of so many years of walking walking 0:09:04.720 --> 0:09:09.040 down streets and dark alleys, we know where not to go. 0:09:09.400 --> 0:09:12.839 Like we know that if you're in New York City 0:09:13.400 --> 0:09:16.360 in the hood at night, you're not just gonna walk 0:09:16.360 --> 0:09:19.320 by yourself and go through some buildings where the dumpsters 0:09:19.320 --> 0:09:22.120 are and go down the dark alleys at three o'clock 0:09:22.160 --> 0:09:24.520 in the morning. You wouldn't do that because you don't 0:09:24.520 --> 0:09:28.120 know what you're gonna find there. But we haven't quite 0:09:28.200 --> 0:09:31.280 learned that on social media. I believe that we will. 0:09:31.320 --> 0:09:33.360 I believe we're going to get better and better and 0:09:33.440 --> 0:09:36.000 our kids are going to be way better than our adults. 0:09:36.520 --> 0:09:39.400 And our grandmothers are in deep trouble when it comes 0:09:39.440 --> 0:09:41.160 to this because they have no idea. So we need 0:09:41.200 --> 0:09:44.719 to protect our aunts and uncles and parents and grandparents 0:09:45.200 --> 0:09:48.080 as they're on Facebook and they're seeing these because they're 0:09:48.120 --> 0:09:51.160 not as trained like some of the younger people are 0:09:51.200 --> 0:09:54.720 to go, that's fake. I know that that's a parody account. 0:09:54.760 --> 0:09:59.320 That's false. So we need to inform everyone around us, like, hey, 0:10:00.000 --> 0:10:02.840 remember to look for the blue check mark. That's like 0:10:02.960 --> 0:10:05.000 walking down a dark alley. If that doesn't have a 0:10:05.040 --> 0:10:07.560 blue check and they're messaging you and it's Luke Bryan, 0:10:08.760 --> 0:10:11.840 then it's a fake and it's a dark alley that 0:10:11.880 --> 0:10:15.880 you shouldn't be walking down. So don't engage. Okay, Sherry, 0:10:15.960 --> 0:10:18.360 that was not me great question and I'm glad we 0:10:18.400 --> 0:10:25.400 brought it up. Next question, subjectline says question for the podcast. 0:10:25.400 --> 0:10:27.800 Hello Granger. I'm a huge fan of everything you do. 0:10:28.360 --> 0:10:31.360 I'm Matthew. I'm twenty one years old and the girl 0:10:32.160 --> 0:10:34.920 there's a girl that I really like, but she recently 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:38.440 went through my cell phone while I was sleeping, and 0:10:38.480 --> 0:10:42.160 I feel like trust has been violated, and I'm lost 0:10:42.160 --> 0:10:45.079 on what I did, what I should do. Should I 0:10:45.120 --> 0:10:54.559 stay with her? Just break it well? Twenty one? The 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:57.880 first question, the first thing I would say to you, Matthew, 0:10:57.960 --> 0:11:02.880 is that have the girl at your place while you're sleeping, 0:11:03.440 --> 0:11:06.439 and you're twenty one years old, and you're not that 0:11:06.640 --> 0:11:10.280 serious about her anyway, it's not going to lead to 0:11:10.320 --> 0:11:15.120 anything good. So that's a problem to begin with. You're 0:11:15.120 --> 0:11:18.400 spending too much time with her overnight. It's too much time. 0:11:20.800 --> 0:11:24.480 But yes, there is a problem here. You recognize this, Matthew, 0:11:24.760 --> 0:11:29.400 that there's an underlying problem with her going through your phone. 0:11:31.840 --> 0:11:34.080 Sometimes I could say this, if we're sitting around a campfire, 0:11:34.120 --> 0:11:38.240 I'd say she might be cheating on you, because sometimes 0:11:38.760 --> 0:11:41.840 people that have this huge fear of their partner cheating 0:11:41.880 --> 0:11:45.920 on them, they're going through the same thing themselves, or 0:11:45.960 --> 0:11:49.800 they're struggling with the same thing. Maybe she's talking to somebody, 0:11:49.920 --> 0:11:52.559 maybe not, but it's there's a chance there's a better 0:11:52.640 --> 0:11:55.480 chance that if she's so worried about you and what's 0:11:55.520 --> 0:11:58.440 in your phone, that she might be doing the same thing, 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:01.880 so there's a red flag. Second thing I would say 0:12:01.920 --> 0:12:05.320 is are you giving her reasons to not trust you? 0:12:06.920 --> 0:12:10.400 And maybe you're thinking no, But from the outside looking in, 0:12:10.640 --> 0:12:15.080 are you very flirtatious with other girls? Do you have 0:12:15.120 --> 0:12:17.240 a wondering eye? Like does she catch you walking down 0:12:17.240 --> 0:12:19.600 the street and you're kind of your eyes are following 0:12:19.760 --> 0:12:22.000 a girl that's walking by? Are you that kind of person? 0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:25.880 Has this happened before? Has she caught you in something 0:12:25.920 --> 0:12:29.400 before that you shouldn't have been doing. All these things 0:12:29.520 --> 0:12:34.600 lead to to this distrust that she has. My old 0:12:34.679 --> 0:12:40.439 drummer Michael would say, she needs more hobbies, she needs 0:12:40.559 --> 0:12:44.959 more things to do if she has enough free time 0:12:46.120 --> 0:12:48.680 other than sleeping in the middle of the night to 0:12:48.760 --> 0:12:53.440 pull out your phone and start going through it. Some 0:12:53.480 --> 0:12:57.240 people are probably listening thinking to themselves, Hey, me and 0:12:57.280 --> 0:12:59.520 my girl, we have a great relationship and we give 0:12:59.559 --> 0:13:03.319 each other passwords to everything, Like my girl has passwords 0:13:03.320 --> 0:13:06.079 to my Facebook and I have passwords to hers, and 0:13:06.120 --> 0:13:09.079 we're free to go through it at any at any time. 0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:12.680 There's something unhealthy about that too, Like you do you 0:13:12.720 --> 0:13:17.200 give your passwords to to your girlfriend because of a 0:13:17.200 --> 0:13:19.680 trust thing? Like you think that that's gonna build trust. 0:13:20.520 --> 0:13:24.160 There's kind of there's a problem with that, right like 0:13:24.240 --> 0:13:27.640 that that like trust should come before giving passwords. You 0:13:27.640 --> 0:13:31.080 should just trust someone because you have no reason to 0:13:31.200 --> 0:13:34.520 not trust them. You've never given them a reason, and 0:13:34.600 --> 0:13:37.720 the girl has never given you a reason. And to 0:13:37.800 --> 0:13:41.079 think about giving them your password is like ridiculous at 0:13:41.080 --> 0:13:43.520 that point, It's like, that's a waste of time. You 0:13:43.679 --> 0:13:46.240 know what you're gonna find. You're gonna find nothing. So 0:13:47.160 --> 0:13:49.920 all that said, Matthew, if you're thinking about should I 0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:51.959 stay with her or just break it off, that's your 0:13:52.000 --> 0:13:54.640 that's your last question. I wou'd say break it off 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:01.319 because of it, regardless of of what's going on. If 0:14:01.360 --> 0:14:06.160 something so petty, it's this coming between you guys, is 0:14:06.200 --> 0:14:09.520 something that you're willing to entertain the thought of breaking 0:14:09.640 --> 0:14:13.079 up with her? Hey, man, it's not strong. There's not 0:14:13.120 --> 0:14:17.439 a strong enough bond there, Like the pieces are too separated. 0:14:17.440 --> 0:14:20.080 They're a little bit too broken for this to matter, 0:14:20.600 --> 0:14:23.600 for this to last longer than her going through your phone. 0:14:23.960 --> 0:14:27.080 So if you're thinking about it because of that, that's 0:14:27.080 --> 0:14:31.200 a yeah, yeah, break it off. And and hey, I've 0:14:31.240 --> 0:14:33.880 been in relationships like this. Amber has two In fact, 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:37.320 She told me today that you know, there's been times 0:14:37.360 --> 0:14:40.760 when when she's been in relationships just like this one, 0:14:41.400 --> 0:14:45.160 and so sometimes it's the combination of the two people 0:14:45.200 --> 0:14:49.000 getting together and they just don't trust each other. And 0:14:49.320 --> 0:14:51.880 the thing is, you can get in another relationship after 0:14:51.920 --> 0:14:56.040 this and there's total trust, like there's nobody going through 0:14:56.120 --> 0:14:59.800 anybody's phone, and so it's not really the person, it's 0:14:59.800 --> 0:15:02.560 the the combination of the two people that makes us 0:15:02.600 --> 0:15:11.120 a bad situation. I break up with her. Next question 0:15:11.280 --> 0:15:17.520 says subject line, how to deal with grief. Dear Granger, 0:15:17.600 --> 0:15:19.960 This is with a very heavy heart that I'm asking 0:15:20.000 --> 0:15:23.720 you this question. I received the call early Sunday morning, 0:15:24.840 --> 0:15:29.160 December nineteenth, twenty twenty one from my mother that my nephew, Sean, 0:15:29.480 --> 0:15:33.840 a member of the Navy second Enlistment, had committed suicide 0:15:34.000 --> 0:15:37.840 by gunshot wound to the head. My family is so 0:15:37.960 --> 0:15:41.680 broken on this Christmas and I'm coming to you deeply 0:15:41.760 --> 0:15:44.640 saddened and wondering how do you cope with this grief 0:15:45.200 --> 0:15:48.040 so I could be strong for my two children, his cousins, 0:15:48.720 --> 0:15:53.680 for my family. I'm truly lost right now. Thank you. 0:15:53.720 --> 0:16:01.480 This is Erica from Jackson, Michigan. Erica also says she's 0:16:01.480 --> 0:16:05.720 a member of you nation. Erica, I'm so sorry that 0:16:05.800 --> 0:16:08.800 you're going through this. Of the holiday season is a 0:16:08.840 --> 0:16:13.400 tough time for grief. It's it's the hardest time, really, 0:16:13.480 --> 0:16:17.200 because you have birthdays of the person you lost, and 0:16:17.240 --> 0:16:20.360 you have the holidays. These are times when you're typically 0:16:20.440 --> 0:16:23.080 with them or talking to them, and so when they're 0:16:23.080 --> 0:16:25.800 not there, there's a table I mean, excuse me that 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:27.880 when you're when you're not with them, there's a chair 0:16:27.920 --> 0:16:32.040 missing at the table of the dinner of the holiday, 0:16:32.920 --> 0:16:35.480 and and that just makes it for a tough Thanksgiving 0:16:35.960 --> 0:16:40.000 or Christmas or ringing in the new year, are celebrating 0:16:40.000 --> 0:16:44.680 a birthday, it makes it really tough. The anniversary of 0:16:44.720 --> 0:16:48.480 the death is tough too. So these are like speed 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:55.040 bumps on the road to recovery of grief. The first 0:16:55.080 --> 0:16:57.880 one is always the hardest, The first one, the first 0:16:57.880 --> 0:16:59.800 one of any of these, the first birthday, the first 0:16:59.840 --> 0:17:04.280 day aniversary of the death, the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas. 0:17:05.280 --> 0:17:09.960 It's tough. So the first step in all this, Erica, 0:17:10.040 --> 0:17:13.720 is that just recognizing that you're feeling grief and that 0:17:13.720 --> 0:17:19.120 that sounds silly, but recognizing it and realizing that you're 0:17:19.160 --> 0:17:23.639 broken and that that someone is missing is a good, healthy, 0:17:23.640 --> 0:17:28.439 first step, as opposed to denying it or avoiding it, 0:17:28.920 --> 0:17:33.760 sweeping it under the rug. The second thing I would say, Erica, 0:17:33.880 --> 0:17:40.480 is that whatever emotion you're feeling, whether that's that's sadness 0:17:40.600 --> 0:17:47.439 or joy or happiness or contentment, are are weeping grief, 0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:52.760 Whatever you're feeling at the at the moment is valid 0:17:52.800 --> 0:17:56.199 and it is right. The reason I say it that 0:17:56.200 --> 0:17:58.040 way is because you might be thinking, of course I 0:17:58.040 --> 0:18:04.680 feel sad, but five hours from now, someone could say 0:18:04.680 --> 0:18:08.920 something funny and you'll you'll instinctively laugh because it's funny. 0:18:09.000 --> 0:18:12.680 And then right when you laugh, there's this thought that 0:18:12.680 --> 0:18:15.040 that just comes in like a thief into your mind, 0:18:15.880 --> 0:18:20.480 and it says your brain says you fool. How could 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:23.440 you laugh at a time like this. You're grieving. You're 0:18:23.440 --> 0:18:27.200 not supposed to smile, You're not supposed to to enjoy 0:18:27.359 --> 0:18:32.919 any moment, and that's false. Whatever you're feeling in grief 0:18:33.000 --> 0:18:37.240 is valid at the time. So don't let that grief 0:18:37.280 --> 0:18:41.119 it's a thief, and don't let it steal the joy 0:18:41.160 --> 0:18:44.800 that you still have, because joy cannot be erased. Happiness 0:18:44.840 --> 0:18:47.920 comes and goes it's fleeting. You know. Happiness is when 0:18:47.960 --> 0:18:51.160 you walk outside and the sun hits you, just perfectly 0:18:51.800 --> 0:18:53.679 comes out of the clouds and it just hits you 0:18:53.720 --> 0:18:56.840 and you're it's seventy degrees and it's perfect and you go, 0:18:57.040 --> 0:19:03.200 huh happy, I'm happy. But but joy, it's not fleeting. Joy. 0:19:03.280 --> 0:19:06.520 Joy comes from God and it's it's inherently in us, 0:19:06.680 --> 0:19:10.760 and it's it boils out of us at any time. 0:19:11.560 --> 0:19:14.719 Grief and joy can coexist. So I want to I 0:19:14.720 --> 0:19:17.560 want to warn you of the thief that grief is 0:19:17.760 --> 0:19:21.119 when it wants to come in and steal that that 0:19:21.240 --> 0:19:24.600 joy or that happiness or that contentment, whatever emotion it is, 0:19:24.640 --> 0:19:28.560 it wants to steal it away from you. So so 0:19:28.560 --> 0:19:34.080 so sit content knowing that whatever happens, whatever moment, whatever 0:19:34.119 --> 0:19:43.280 you're feeling, is right and it is okay. After that, 0:19:43.480 --> 0:19:46.800 Eric I would tell you that this is a step 0:19:46.840 --> 0:19:50.840 by step process. There is no you know, you you'll 0:19:50.880 --> 0:19:55.320 read these these books about the different stages of grief 0:19:56.320 --> 0:20:00.560 and it's technically right, but it's never in. They ordered 0:20:00.560 --> 0:20:04.280 that the book says that it's in. You could be 0:20:04.560 --> 0:20:13.119 angry followed by guilty, followed by remorseful, followed by numb. 0:20:13.480 --> 0:20:15.640 You're right, right, you could you go through all these emotions, 0:20:15.640 --> 0:20:17.960 but they change orders, and then you could be angry again. 0:20:18.800 --> 0:20:23.040 You could feel guilt, Erica, and the fact that I 0:20:23.040 --> 0:20:25.320 should have done this with Sean. I should have said this, 0:20:25.840 --> 0:20:27.359 I should have reached out to him, and if I 0:20:27.400 --> 0:20:29.159 would if I only would have done this, if I 0:20:29.200 --> 0:20:32.680 would have called him or texted that I was thinking 0:20:32.720 --> 0:20:34.560 about this text and I was going to text him, 0:20:34.560 --> 0:20:37.199 and I didn't send it, and because I didn't, he 0:20:37.280 --> 0:20:41.040 killed himself. You're gonna you're gonna have those thoughts of guilt. 0:20:41.080 --> 0:20:43.840 It's going to overcome you. Don't let it. Don't let 0:20:43.920 --> 0:20:49.440 that guilt sneak in. It's a thief. Also, you asked 0:20:49.440 --> 0:20:54.760 about your two children, his cousins. This is this is 0:20:55.760 --> 0:21:01.040 it's life. You don't ever want kids to go through 0:21:01.480 --> 0:21:05.080 this kind of experience, but yours are might have been 0:21:05.119 --> 0:21:10.120 through it. And because they are going through it, you're 0:21:10.160 --> 0:21:12.320 gonna have to use this as as a teaching moment 0:21:13.119 --> 0:21:17.760 for life that this this is terrible, and that that 0:21:17.840 --> 0:21:21.879 you're your cousin Sean. You're gonna have to explain the 0:21:21.880 --> 0:21:25.280 best depending on their age. Their age matters in this conversation. 0:21:25.960 --> 0:21:27.760 But you're gonna have to walk through this with them 0:21:28.680 --> 0:21:34.919 and tell them truthfully and show them Erica that that 0:21:35.000 --> 0:21:39.040 it's okay to cry. And they might they might reach 0:21:39.080 --> 0:21:42.040 moments where they're they're giggling and laughing and playing and 0:21:42.080 --> 0:21:47.879 you're sad, and then before you know it, you're smiling 0:21:47.920 --> 0:21:51.040 and cooking spaghetti. And then one of them gets starts 0:21:51.040 --> 0:21:54.000 to get sad about Sean, and you have to immediately 0:21:54.240 --> 0:21:57.720 pivot to them and say, are you sad about your cousin? 0:21:58.160 --> 0:22:00.000 And then you hold them and you say it's okay, 0:22:00.000 --> 0:22:04.159 okay to be sad, And so you're never Families are 0:22:04.280 --> 0:22:06.720 rarely on the same grief level at the same time, 0:22:06.840 --> 0:22:10.160 like we flip flop and so, and that's a good 0:22:10.160 --> 0:22:12.480 thing because if you're all sad at the same time 0:22:12.840 --> 0:22:17.000 every day the same time, it makes it difficult. And 0:22:17.040 --> 0:22:23.000 so sympathy comes when you have someone that's down and 0:22:23.000 --> 0:22:25.560 and and they're in grief, and the grief is like 0:22:25.600 --> 0:22:29.760 a quicksand, and so this is what sympathy is. Sympathy 0:22:30.080 --> 0:22:33.840 is when someone's in quicksand and you step in the 0:22:33.880 --> 0:22:36.000 quicksand with them and you grab them, you grab their 0:22:36.040 --> 0:22:39.560 hand and you hold them, and you say I feel 0:22:39.920 --> 0:22:44.080 your pain, I feel this with you. But you still 0:22:44.080 --> 0:22:48.400 have a foot, your other foot on dry land. So 0:22:48.440 --> 0:22:51.040 you grab them, you put one foot in the quicksand 0:22:51.040 --> 0:22:53.359 and you take their hand and you go, I'm gonna 0:22:53.359 --> 0:22:56.080 help you get out of this moment, out of this quicksand, 0:22:56.440 --> 0:22:59.199 because I got a foot on dry land. And the 0:22:59.280 --> 0:23:03.439 difference between that and empathy, it's empathy is when you 0:23:03.600 --> 0:23:06.919 dive in with them, into the quicksand with them. And 0:23:06.960 --> 0:23:09.600 so many people are so quick to be full of 0:23:09.600 --> 0:23:13.640 empathy and say I empathize with you, And in my opinion, guys, 0:23:13.680 --> 0:23:17.399 it's the wrong move, especially in grief, because empathy is 0:23:17.400 --> 0:23:20.159 when you jump in the quicksand with them and you 0:23:20.240 --> 0:23:21.840 hold them and you say I feel this with you, 0:23:21.880 --> 0:23:24.359 same as sympathy, but you don't have a foot on 0:23:24.440 --> 0:23:28.000 dry land. And so what happens You both sink in 0:23:28.080 --> 0:23:33.480 the quicksand and there's no way out. There's no way out. 0:23:34.720 --> 0:23:38.840 Make sure you always have a foot on that dry land. 0:23:39.240 --> 0:23:43.359 Avoid the guilt like a plague. Get rid of that guilt. 0:23:44.760 --> 0:23:47.880 Use it. Call it out for what it is. It's 0:23:47.920 --> 0:23:50.159 a thief and it's a liar. Say I will not 0:23:51.160 --> 0:23:53.280 fall for this guilt. I will not fall for that 0:23:53.400 --> 0:23:56.720 thought of that last text, that last call, what I 0:23:56.760 --> 0:24:01.240 should have done? And lastly, once and once you've navigated this, 0:24:01.320 --> 0:24:05.320 because this step by step process, you have to take 0:24:05.359 --> 0:24:09.040 it day by day, and then the day turns into weeks, 0:24:09.119 --> 0:24:11.680 and the weeks turn into months, and the months turn 0:24:11.720 --> 0:24:14.920 into years, and the years, when you add them up, 0:24:15.200 --> 0:24:21.240 will eventually you'll feel relief from that immediate grief. Right, 0:24:22.040 --> 0:24:25.600 So ten years go by and you will not be 0:24:25.840 --> 0:24:30.680 feeling the same biting pain that you felt on ground 0:24:30.800 --> 0:24:34.000