Speaker 1: Hey va fam, welcome to the b a QA on
Speaker 1: this I don't know, delightful day. How are we feeling?
Speaker 1: I kind of went for like a grunge kind of
Speaker 1: like vibe. I got my my jilted American missus president
Speaker 1: shirt on. Yes she can, yes she didn't. But it's
Speaker 1: like Valentine's Day or whatever. So like, hi, yay, love.
Speaker 2: Ya black clove, YadA.
Speaker 1: Black clove.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: I mean, if you're Jalen Hurts and his wifey, like,
Speaker 1: I hope that there's rose petals and like bubble baths
Speaker 1: involved for you. I am joined by the beautiful, the wise,
Speaker 1: the glowing Nassima mceilroy, aka the founder of Financially Intentional.
Speaker 1: If y'all have not yet listened to this week's episode
Speaker 1: on Wednesday, the Brown Table, that episode is dropped. You
Speaker 1: can watch it on YouTube. Go watch it and then
Speaker 1: come back because Nasima is amazing and you offered such
Speaker 1: a great perspective. Why are you laughing at that? You
Speaker 1: are amazing?
Speaker 3: I love it.
Speaker 1: I'm not so much fun.
Speaker 3: I'm just reminiscing.
Speaker 1: Oh good, That's all I want at the end of
Speaker 1: the day. I just want you to have fun. Okay.
Speaker 1: So Nasima. We are here to answer some questions from
Speaker 1: the BA fam. I want to know about. I shared
Speaker 1: a little bit about like my vibe around the holidays,
Speaker 1: like how are you feeling about v Day? And relationships
Speaker 1: in general, because we're here to talk about money and relationships.
Speaker 2: Oh, money and relationships has always been like this weird
Speaker 2: kind of thing for me, I am technically technically you know,
Speaker 2: single right now, very much dating heavy.
Speaker 1: Whoa you are? Okay? I love that for you.
Speaker 2: That went Time's day. For me, I'm actually looking forward,
Speaker 2: so it's going to happen. I'm in their good spirits
Speaker 2: right now. But yeah, with my current relationship, I think money.
Speaker 2: The dynamic between like money talking about money is totally
Speaker 2: different than I've ever experienced because it's somebody that's kind
Speaker 2: of in the same similar space than us, and so
Speaker 2: we share a similar viewpoint. This person probably maybe.
Speaker 1: Whisper the name all editing Nah tell me damn because Chris,
Speaker 1: you know pop on finance. Chris. I loved the he
Speaker 1: was single for like point five seconds, but and I
Speaker 1: told him he would. I was like, the girls are
Speaker 1: going to be all over this strapping young man. But anyway,
Speaker 1: I just just I love.
Speaker 3: I just love the romance. Yes it's the romances, Yes,
Speaker 3: very nice romance.
Speaker 2: And so before and I mentioned this in our episode,
Speaker 2: you know, I've been in a position where one of
Speaker 2: it is one of those things that brings a little
Speaker 2: bit of contention because I've always made a lot of money,
Speaker 2: typically more money than the person that I've been with,
Speaker 2: and it's always been like a topic topic of discussion,
Speaker 2: like oh, yeah, I know you're in this position and
Speaker 2: I would never and what kind of man would? Until
Speaker 2: things change, right, and this time it's more of a balance,
Speaker 2: and so money conversations look a lot different under this context,
Speaker 2: and it's actually really exciting.
Speaker 3: It's like the first.
Speaker 2: Time I felt comfortable kind of pulling out the veil
Speaker 2: and like sharing in detail, like getting financially naked and
Speaker 2: sharing details and then being able to have like really
Speaker 2: constructive conversations around money, and it's really certisfying.
Speaker 3: So I love it.
Speaker 1: I I just I know how how special that is,
Speaker 1: especially after not having that. I can't even tell you.
Speaker 1: I'm so happy. And yes, I hope he buys you
Speaker 1: flowers and opens doors and all that, but like sitting
Speaker 1: down to have a financial conversation with like an equal who,
Speaker 1: there's no eggshells, there's no ego to tiptoe around.
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's that part.
Speaker 1: I could almost like get emotional about that. I'm really
Speaker 1: really happy for you. You deserve that. We all do.
Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you. I think so. I think so
Speaker 3: is just really refreshing that Yeah.
Speaker 1: How long? Well, how long have you all been dating?
Speaker 1: If you don't mind me asking, it's a couple of months.
Speaker 1: Oh just okay. I love that you're already having this discussion.
Speaker 1: But now we're no spring chickens. Like, this is not
Speaker 1: dating at twenty two, you're forty two.
Speaker 3: This is dating at forty two. This is dating with
Speaker 3: kids involved, this is dating with it.
Speaker 2: You have to be intentional about that business exactly. It's
Speaker 2: it's a whole bunch of things that if you don't
Speaker 2: start having those conversations early, is like, then.
Speaker 3: What are we really doing?
Speaker 2: Then we're just being friends because it's a different situation definitely.
Speaker 1: And if you're worth it to them, they'll or if
Speaker 1: it's meant to be, Like it's almost like creating a
Speaker 1: boundary by saying I'm ready to have these discussions, and
Speaker 1: it's like a pre screen. Are you ready?
Speaker 4: Yep?
Speaker 1: Because if yes, Pasco, if no go back exactly. Yeah.
Speaker 1: Do you have any advice for other women who are
Speaker 1: thinking about getting back out there, who are just getting
Speaker 1: back out there, who are like established in their lives,
Speaker 1: especially after the convo we had Wednesday, y'all have to
Speaker 1: go listen to it about prenups and audit. Yeah, how
Speaker 1: do you think you'll have you'll approach this relationship differently,
Speaker 1: you know, from a money and business perspective, protecting yourself.
Speaker 3: Oh, it's totally. Like even after we had the conversation.
Speaker 2: On Wednesday, it was kind of something that I could
Speaker 2: touch back on and like, okay, like this is why
Speaker 2: prenups are important.
Speaker 1: This is.
Speaker 2: You know, I think this is something that we should
Speaker 2: discuss early on, and we like from our first conversation,
Speaker 2: like literally our first like serious conversation.
Speaker 3: It was even brought up and it was just a check.
Speaker 2: It was just a recheck in like this is really
Speaker 2: important to me, this is why, And then the sentiments
Speaker 2: were echoed because it's the.
Speaker 3: Same thing, like we both have a lot to lose and.
Speaker 2: We both have a lot to gain, and I think
Speaker 2: that that's what drives us, Like it's not about the
Speaker 2: prospect of you know, not being together. It's really about
Speaker 2: how we're going to manage our finances and how are
Speaker 2: we going to continue to have those discussions going forward?
Speaker 3: Mm hmm do you a check?
Speaker 1: Ind Yeah, that's that's great. Do you think that because
Speaker 1: you you shared on the show that you've had to
Speaker 1: have one marriage and then one you said it was
Speaker 1: a civil union, it was.
Speaker 2: A domestic partnership that I still had to get good
Speaker 2: first from.
Speaker 1: Yeah, which, yeah, that blew my mind. I'm like that
Speaker 1: was helpful to know. Yeah, anyone for anyone in that situation. Yeah,
Speaker 1: so talk to me. I mean, it is does it
Speaker 1: even matter like putting a label on it? Marriage? Is
Speaker 1: that something that you want to pursue again, knowing what
Speaker 1: you know now?
Speaker 2: Was always something that after especially after going through marriage.
Speaker 2: And I can say that definitely my first marriage, I
Speaker 2: didn't really think about it really did. I wasn't very
Speaker 2: intentional about it, and I probably got married for the
Speaker 2: wrong reasons and not understanding marriage. And I think like
Speaker 2: Aaron made a great point of understanding what marriage is
Speaker 2: really about and people came from it from that perspective. Yes,
Speaker 2: but I didn't.
Speaker 1: I just feel like you have to be in a marriage.
Speaker 1: I almost think you need to go through a marriage
Speaker 1: to know what marriage is. That it's very unfair to
Speaker 1: sort of like hold everyone to the standard of like
Speaker 1: go get married and you can, you'll never get divorced,
Speaker 1: and if you get divorced, you failed. I almost feel
Speaker 1: like that is it's so different when you're in it,
Speaker 1: and I'm eight years in and I'm just now like
Speaker 1: really learning how a long marriage, you know, like decades
Speaker 1: of marriage like that, what that needs, And like I
Speaker 1: could know. I could have told you intellectually, I could
Speaker 1: have told you what I heard, what advice I had gotten,
Speaker 1: what books I had read, But like living it, I
Speaker 1: just I think that lived experience is so necessary.
Speaker 4: It is.
Speaker 3: And my whole thing was.
Speaker 2: I was after that dissolution of my first marriage, like
Speaker 2: even going into having a domestic partnership. I was the
Speaker 2: reason why we had a domestic partnership and did not
Speaker 2: get married was because I was animate that I did
Speaker 2: not want to get married. But then then I didn't
Speaker 2: understand like the legal implications of a domestic partnership when
Speaker 2: you have kids and you have property together. But I
Speaker 2: was just like I was so animated about like not
Speaker 2: getting married again, and how horrible it was is to
Speaker 2: go through that divorce process, and like being like people
Speaker 2: should have to go through a divorced process first before
Speaker 2: they get married so they can understand who that person is.
Speaker 2: But now, like, it's different when you have great communication,
Speaker 2: you have you know, those you're able to have those
Speaker 2: open conversations and again you're able to get financially naked
Speaker 2: and not feel vulnerable and not feel taken advantage of
Speaker 2: and not having a tiptoe around emotions in which is
Speaker 2: what you often have to do in insecurities and all
Speaker 2: those kind of things. So I can honestly say, like
Speaker 2: it's the first time in my life that I've really
Speaker 2: been seriously considering even getting married again.
Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, are your little girls? What's it like raising
Speaker 1: three little girls?
Speaker 3: That?
Speaker 1: I mean, I guess two of your girls are probably
Speaker 1: engaging with content and the internet media. Yeah. I remember
Speaker 1: being four years old and fully understanding marriage and knowing
Speaker 1: I wanted to be a bride because of course, I mean,
Speaker 1: that was the outcome that like every movie that I
Speaker 1: loved was all about so and it's just so funny different.
Speaker 2: It's different with these kids, Like they are exposed to
Speaker 2: a lot and I think a little bit too much.
Speaker 2: So I'm having like really different conversations my oldest daughter.
Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know, trying to be a lesbian. I
Speaker 3: don't know. That's a whole other conversation for another day.
Speaker 4: But but you know, but being they see like a
Speaker 4: spectrum of relationships, and they've seen me be married, they
Speaker 4: see me not be married, and.
Speaker 2: They understand peace and happiness, and so they lean towards
Speaker 2: whatever brings you peace and happiness. And I don't think
Speaker 2: they've seen they've seen me be more peaceful independently than
Speaker 2: in a relationship, and so I think they're saying that
Speaker 2: whatever brings me piece is what I want to do,
Speaker 2: and they're understanding that, which to me is empowering because
Speaker 2: they don't tie their happiness to another person.
Speaker 1: I learned so much about relationships by watching my mother.
Speaker 1: Of course, I remember the happiest I ever saw her
Speaker 1: was the years after she divorced my dad and she
Speaker 1: was single and dating, and like, yeah, I mean, and
Speaker 1: that's something that comes up for me, is like when
Speaker 1: I think about those like kind of magic golden years
Speaker 1: being a kid, I'm like, oh, when my mom was
Speaker 1: going on these dates and she was getting all dolled up,
Speaker 1: and I'd watch her, you know, blow dry her hair
Speaker 1: and like the perfume and stuff, and she had friends
Speaker 1: and she was having fun. And that really sticks with
Speaker 1: me as a mom because I just feel like it's
Speaker 1: so important for them to see us like thrive and
Speaker 1: have a life and have joy and have these relationships, friendships,
Speaker 1: you know, lovers like all that. It's because it's their
Speaker 1: example too of what they can get. All right, be
Speaker 1: a fan. Well, I want to jump into y'all's questions
Speaker 1: because as today is Valentine's Day, take that for what
Speaker 1: it's worth. I've been saving some questions from ba fam
Speaker 1: about relationships and money, and so I thought, since I
Speaker 1: haven't seen me here, who better to help me answer
Speaker 1: these questions with y'all. So I love how this question
Speaker 1: is like a novel, and then the other question is
Speaker 1: literally like six words.
Speaker 2: Right, Okay, oh my gosh, Okay, Well let's take let's
Speaker 2: go with the big one first.
Speaker 1: Let'll get this out of the way. Not that your
Speaker 1: question is not important to me, Bronwin, this is your
Speaker 1: anonymous pseudonym. Alrighty, So this question comes from listener Bronwin,
Speaker 1: who is a newly Wedged says, my husband and I
Speaker 1: recently got married and we're discussing plans to merge our finances. Okay,
Speaker 1: doing that after the marriage, all right? For context, I
Speaker 1: make about one hundred and fifty K. My husband makes
Speaker 1: forty K. I have ninety nine K and student loans
Speaker 1: with ambitious plans to pay them off in five years.
Speaker 1: I moved into the house that he owned three years ago,
Speaker 1: and since then we've maintained separate finances. I currently contribute
Speaker 1: almost half the mortgage, and I primarily cover the costs
Speaker 1: of groceries. All other household expenses are on him, but
Speaker 1: we split major purchases and dining out. So if and
Speaker 1: when we merge finances, we plan to split household finances proportionally,
Speaker 1: meaning that I would cover more of our household costs
Speaker 1: because I earn more. However, all caps my husband primarily
Speaker 1: uses a credit card for his day to day expenses,
Speaker 1: and his parents his parents. Wait, I didn't read this
Speaker 1: question before. All the way through, his parents make the
Speaker 1: monthly payment. Okay, I mean not shocking because he's making
Speaker 1: forty K. Like how a right? Sorry, back to front one.
Speaker 1: Although I also benefit from the generosity of this magic
Speaker 1: credit card. I don't know how to share finances without
Speaker 1: feeling resentment because I will have less disposable income to
Speaker 1: cover my debt and regular life expenses. Being a black
Speaker 1: woman ain't cheap. But he will benefit from my taking
Speaker 1: on more of the household cost and he will have
Speaker 1: a bottomless pot of money to swipe from while I
Speaker 1: have a very strict budget that I follow. Should we
Speaker 1: share finances and if so, how should we split things
Speaker 1: to account for my high income but high debt and
Speaker 1: his bottomless gift? Do his parents know what's bottomless?
Speaker 2: That's very that's a very interesting situation, Like why I
Speaker 2: guess I have more questions than.
Speaker 1: Answers. Let's talk it through. What are some of the
Speaker 1: questions coming up?
Speaker 2: First of all, like why is he only making forty
Speaker 2: thousand dollars?
Speaker 1: What does he do? Substitute teacher?
Speaker 3: What makes Yeah?
Speaker 2: I don't know. I blow my mind that somebody can
Speaker 2: survive off of forty thousand dollars.
Speaker 3: But maybe if you.
Speaker 1: Maybe they live in Mississippi.
Speaker 2: Maybe if you have this like endless access to money,
Speaker 2: like from your parents, you don't have the ambition to
Speaker 2: make more.
Speaker 3: I don't know.
Speaker 2: So that's kind of where my mind goes and then
Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, like she really wants an answer to this,
Speaker 2: and I think that it's fair for her to feel
Speaker 2: this kind of way.
Speaker 3: It's not his. Well, I'm sure they can work through that,
Speaker 3: but I'm just like, I think what's.
Speaker 2: Gonna end up happening is is that they really need
Speaker 2: to sit down and talk about like what their real
Speaker 2: expenses are and then make that equitable, because like credit
Speaker 2: card spending is going to be purchases, it's going to
Speaker 2: be you know, it's not going to be necessarily your
Speaker 2: utility bills, or it could be I don't know, So
Speaker 2: what are your real expenses and then how do you
Speaker 2: think it would be equitable to split those?
Speaker 1: But it's just the can you put your student loan
Speaker 1: debts on his credit card? Can you put that? Could
Speaker 1: make it a little equitable? Exactly?
Speaker 3: Probably not, But I understand.
Speaker 2: I understand the feeling of like somebody has this these resources,
Speaker 2: is access to resources that you don't have, and also
Speaker 2: like a little bit of resentment because you probably had
Speaker 2: to work really hard to get to where you're at
Speaker 2: to make one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. But like,
Speaker 2: I just feel like in lieu of the conversation that
Speaker 2: we had on Wednesday.
Speaker 3: I just feel like, how are you already married and
Speaker 3: these things haven't been fleshed out?
Speaker 1: That's my first thought too. Yeah, and it's not like
Speaker 1: they've gotten married, like and they've only been dating, you know,
Speaker 1: like she lived with him for three years, still didn't
Speaker 1: work this out. I don't know why things necessarily need
Speaker 1: to change after marriage. That was interesting to me. How
Speaker 1: because they've been married now they're gonna like reproportion the expenses.
Speaker 1: You know, she's gone from paying fifty to fifty for
Speaker 1: his mortgage. That almost makes it seem like it was
Speaker 1: in his best interest to marry her because then he
Speaker 1: would get more help with his mortgage, which sounds sick,
Speaker 1: but that is kind of like how marriages worked back
Speaker 1: in the olden days. You know. Sometimes you'd have the
Speaker 1: man would have the title or whatever, or the parents
Speaker 1: credit card, and the woman with a dowry would help
Speaker 1: pay off debts or whatnot. But that just that it's
Speaker 1: like a bit of a red flag for me, just
Speaker 1: why are we changing this up if it's been working
Speaker 1: for so long?
Speaker 3: Exactly?
Speaker 2: And the thing is, okay, what kind of mortgage are
Speaker 2: you having on a forty thousand dollars income, unless unless
Speaker 2: it's like a house that his parents bought for him.
Speaker 2: And it's just like so many questions. Yeah, and I'm hi, Yeah,
Speaker 2: is she's still winning because it for her to move
Speaker 2: into this house, it has to be like a financial
Speaker 2: reason in there somewhere, right, and so like how much
Speaker 2: is this mortgage? And it's just like it Just like
Speaker 2: I said, it brings up more questions than I have
Speaker 2: answers to because I just I.
Speaker 3: Need to understand this situation a little bit better.
Speaker 1: Maybe those will make you feel more comfortable. I didn't
Speaker 1: do my salt shaker spiel. Y'all. This is our get
Speaker 1: your salt shakers out. This is the baq wa, this
Speaker 1: is infotainment. Okay, we are educated, we are smart, we
Speaker 1: know our ship, but we don't know all of your
Speaker 1: We're not your lawyer, we're not your financial plan and
Speaker 1: not your financial advisor. Don't sue us. So your grandma,
Speaker 1: as Tip would always say, so, Nazima, Now do you
Speaker 1: feel safe. Let's let's hypotheticalize this.
Speaker 3: We will hypotheticalize it.
Speaker 1: She wants to know should we share finances? How should
Speaker 1: we split things up? To account for my high income
Speaker 1: but high debt and his bottomless gift. Listen, like in
Speaker 1: a marriage, my debt became and and vice versa. That's
Speaker 1: our debt. This is our goal. I don't see why
Speaker 1: if if I would propose to him, even like, hey,
Speaker 1: I know we've talked about increasing the proportion of my
Speaker 1: mortgage the mortgage payment, my mortgage payment share because I
Speaker 1: earn more now that we're married. But what if I
Speaker 1: you know, what if we calculated that, but I keep
Speaker 1: paying you half and I take the extra and I
Speaker 1: just put that toward my student loans because ultimately that's
Speaker 1: going to be better for our for us as a couple,
Speaker 1: because this is our debt now, and I wonder how
Speaker 1: he might take that. I also feel like he may
Speaker 1: not have any student loan debt because maybe his parents
Speaker 1: bankrolled that. No shade to nepple babies like no shade,
Speaker 1: like I hope to raise one in a way, I
Speaker 1: hope to raise kids who I mean, not necessarily have
Speaker 1: my credit card when your ass is married, but who
Speaker 1: who have some you know, some financial support. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: my thought, Like the debt should be theirs. I feel
Speaker 1: weird about him wanting to pay less of the mortgage
Speaker 1: because also, oh, this is what I wanted to ask,
Speaker 1: is her name on the deed? Like is she going
Speaker 1: to actually get she's putting money into this mortgage, she
Speaker 1: should be on the deed, she should be earning equity.
Speaker 2: Well, I think that's inherent in the marriage. And I
Speaker 2: think that's what Aaron talked about. And I wanted like
Speaker 2: to highlight the things that he shared in the way
Speaker 2: that his like, for example, his managers said, up, but like,
Speaker 2: when you get married, it's no longer my assets your assets.
Speaker 2: If you wanted to keep it like that, you don't
Speaker 2: get married, right, So now everything is your assets together.
Speaker 2: So now you're a one hundred and ninety thousand dollars
Speaker 2: I mean yearly income households okay, And so everything needs
Speaker 2: to be looked at like that.
Speaker 1: And yeah, that's true. And she's talking about if it
Speaker 1: only merged, finances will boom.
Speaker 2: It's like, well, they're already under done it under the law, right,
Speaker 2: so now figure out a way where you can have
Speaker 2: a conversation to make it as equitable as possible.
Speaker 3: I mean that's the only way.
Speaker 2: I mean, that's a solution to me. It's just like
Speaker 2: sitting down, I'll share your feelings. You guys aren't new
Speaker 2: to this, y'all tut this. Y'all already been in this
Speaker 2: for a little while. You've already been commingling funds as
Speaker 2: what they would call it when you go to the court.
Speaker 2: You've already been commingling. So figure out a way that
Speaker 2: feels fair for both of you, guys. And then I
Speaker 2: just like try and really trying to understand how much
Speaker 2: of the parent involvement is here and if that has
Speaker 2: anything to do with a lot of the of the
Speaker 2: resentment that she's feeling. It's like, is, does she feel
Speaker 2: like that maybe he doesn't feel as committed to the
Speaker 2: finances as he as he should because he has this
Speaker 2: magic credit card like she likes to call it. Does
Speaker 2: she feel resentment because you know, he doesn't necessarily have
Speaker 2: to pull the same weight that she does, because he
Speaker 2: doesn't have student loans like it just seems like there's
Speaker 2: some things that they need to untangle, which I feel like, again,
Speaker 2: now that you're already married, maybe a post nup will
Speaker 2: help you work through and give you words around and
Speaker 2: community and actual structure to put things under. So I
Speaker 2: think what ultimate advice would be maybe consider going through
Speaker 2: a post process or picking up Aaron's book and kind
Speaker 2: of working through that and using that as a guy
Speaker 2: to walk you through how to have these conversations and
Speaker 2: how to look through things like objectively and get some
Speaker 2: of those questions that questions answered that maybe causing the
Speaker 2: resent any of your relationship.
Speaker 1: And Aaron's book is called pre Nupts Made Simple right
Speaker 1: by Aaron Thomas prescription. Oh thanks, not at all what
Speaker 1: I said? The free a description Okay, all right, gotcha? Well,
Speaker 1: you know, fifty to fifty we did it. Yeah, that's
Speaker 1: such a good point to talk about that prenup and
Speaker 1: to get some protection yourself, and especially if his parents
Speaker 1: have substantial assets. I mean that we're not making we're
Speaker 1: making some assumptions about his parents being like loaded, but
Speaker 1: it could be like a five hundred dollars credit card,
Speaker 1: we don't know, just for like, I don't know, to
Speaker 1: buy himself lunch. I just can't take it when your
Speaker 1: mommy and daddy gave you a credit card to just
Speaker 1: use when you're grown and married. Okay, anyway, just like no,
Speaker 1: but I love the idea of the post nup. I
Speaker 1: also love I also like, oh, This is what I
Speaker 1: was going to say earlier, because she mentioned how her
Speaker 1: day to day expenses and you know, she put it
Speaker 1: in parentheticals like being a black woman's expensive. And I
Speaker 1: feel like when you spend so many years keeping your
Speaker 1: finances separate as a couple, it can be uncomfortable to
Speaker 1: pull the curtain back and then show here's actually, yeah,
Speaker 1: here's actually where my money is going, because you're gonna
Speaker 1: have someone else's judgment involved. But I mean, like my
Speaker 1: husband needed to know that I'm a massive Beyonce fan,
Speaker 1: so when she goes on tour, it's gonna be you know,
Speaker 1: a washer dryer, Like yes, and that's what I value
Speaker 1: in life, Like you need to kind of know that,
Speaker 1: or like if it's your hair appointments, your nails, I
Speaker 1: don't know what else, but like that is something that
Speaker 1: you know, you should maybe get comfortable talking about because
Speaker 1: you're gonna want transparency from him and have that transparency yourself.
Speaker 1: And it's I liked what Aaron said too about having
Speaker 1: the in their post nup or hitting his prenup with
Speaker 1: his wife was having a clause that said if one
Speaker 1: of us spends over five hundred dollars, we have to
Speaker 1: tell the other person, So that kind of protection is important.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm on the street.
Speaker 3: I think that.
Speaker 2: I also think that when people make a certain amount
Speaker 2: of money, it's automatically assumed that they.
Speaker 3: Have more money.
Speaker 2: When a whole lot of lifestyle inflation and lifestyle creep
Speaker 2: happens there where this person that's making forty thousand dollars
Speaker 2: can easily have more disposable income than this person that's
Speaker 2: making one hundred and fifty thousand.
Speaker 3: Dollars, especially when you don't have to spend money on
Speaker 3: day to day expence. You're putting them on.
Speaker 1: Your picturing being a farmer, and she's like, I'm just
Speaker 1: picturing like boat bos Bozema, Saint John from real start
Speaker 1: to Beverly Hills, like dating, I don't know, dating the farmer,
Speaker 1: and like it works for them, but it's very different,
Speaker 1: you know.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but you know, there could be a lot
Speaker 2: of assumptions on his rehalf, like that she should have
Speaker 2: more money so therefore she could contribute more, especially if
Speaker 2: you're looking at it from like trying to be equitable
Speaker 2: and sharing expenses so that you know she makes so
Speaker 2: much more. But like I think what you're saying, like
Speaker 2: pull back the curtain, like really really share what you're
Speaker 2: spending on. Could there is there some things that could
Speaker 2: be cut back possibly, But the bottom line is is
Speaker 2: that you guys need to be on the same page
Speaker 2: on what you're spending, is what you value, what's really
Speaker 2: important And then you know, I think that'll that'll help
Speaker 2: them be able to make decisions around sharing finances. But
Speaker 2: again that's something that I feel like when you do
Speaker 2: a process like a prenup, postnup, all of those things,
Speaker 2: it helps you flesh those out.
Speaker 1: So m getting clear on your goals as a couple too.
Speaker 1: Are we collectively working toward paying off your debt? That
Speaker 1: helps get the mindset on his part going that this
Speaker 1: is like our goal to reach and are we planning
Speaker 1: to retire at a certain age? Like do we is
Speaker 1: one of our values that we're going to have family
Speaker 1: vacations every year? And what could that cost? And like
Speaker 1: how do we plan toward that? And that is a
Speaker 1: missing piece I think for a lot of relationships. And
Speaker 1: it's certainly some years were good at it me and
Speaker 1: my husband. Some years were not so great at it.
Speaker 1: You know, making a plan talking about like post baby
Speaker 1: years when it's just like survival like I can't.
Speaker 3: Really but oh my goodness, yes.
Speaker 1: But good luck Bronwin and thank you for thank you
Speaker 1: for your question. Congratulations on your your your wedding. I
Speaker 1: really hope the best for y'all. But I like, I
Speaker 1: think the post up the post nup plan. So go
Speaker 1: to prenups dot com too, because Aaron. I don't know
Speaker 1: what state you live in, but I think Aaron's practice
Speaker 1: they practice in like half the states, maybe more most
Speaker 1: of them.
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you can find somebody in your stay through
Speaker 3: his side.
Speaker 1: Al Right, all right, let's take a quick break and
Speaker 1: we'll come right back with a question from listener Lauren. Okay,
Speaker 1: b a fan, We are back with us short but
Speaker 1: sweet and very broad question from listener Lauren, who sent
Speaker 1: us a d m on ig to say, how do
Speaker 1: you talk to your partner about finances when you're not
Speaker 1: married and are there any red flags?
Speaker 2: Yeah, talked about this at the top of the show,
Speaker 2: and I think it depends, like you said, on what
Speaker 2: stage of life Betterer in like how much in detail,
Speaker 2: how bad.
Speaker 3: You get into those conversations.
Speaker 2: And also you know, I talk about money every single day,
Speaker 2: so it's just like your level of comfortability right with it,
Speaker 2: and I don't know, finances comes up for me really
Speaker 2: really early on, Like what was.
Speaker 1: The was there a topic you started with? Was it
Speaker 1: like you want to you want to get like the
Speaker 1: spring rolls or the tacos for appetizer? Also what's your
Speaker 1: credit score? Just wondering it was I like that.
Speaker 3: It was kind of like, hey, I like you a lot,
Speaker 3: you know, I know what you're all about.
Speaker 2: And guess the predoms, you know what I'm saying, Like
Speaker 2: that was like the first sentence, you know, So I
Speaker 2: mean like, yeah, those conversations, it just it just depends.
Speaker 2: But I feel like the earlier the better. I feel
Speaker 2: like what people lean towards more is not having those
Speaker 2: money and money conversations until there's an issue that comes up.
Speaker 2: And I think the most important thing is to try
Speaker 2: to and not saying that you can curb everything, but
Speaker 2: try to get in front of those conversations early and
Speaker 2: kind of like even if it's just like general, like
Speaker 2: what's your perspective about money, Like do you.
Speaker 3: Want to retire early?
Speaker 2: Like how do you value money? Like how do you
Speaker 2: look at it? Like do you think investing is important?
Speaker 2: Do you think that yogo is important and that you
Speaker 2: don't know when you're gonna die, so you know you
Speaker 2: spend this kind of way, or do you just have
Speaker 2: money trauma and you're still trying to heal from that,
Speaker 2: or you know, like it's just just like like get
Speaker 2: your money philosophy out there, even if you don't know
Speaker 2: if it's a money philosophy, but like share stories around
Speaker 2: money or things that have come up for you and
Speaker 2: how it makes you feel on how it's dictated, how
Speaker 2: you like manage life. And one of the greatest ways
Speaker 2: that you can kind of do that is like really look.
Speaker 3: Through your transaction for the last couple of months.
Speaker 2: I fellos bank saments and credit card statements, and it
Speaker 2: will kind of tell you what you're valuing in that moment.
Speaker 1: I love you. I love the electronic version. I just
Speaker 1: can ignore it now. But the whole thing, well, I
Speaker 1: use Rocket Money. Do you have used like an app
Speaker 1: where you can see all your finance, your your stuff
Speaker 1: in one spot.
Speaker 3: I use Monarch. I love Monarch.
Speaker 2: My money is great too, because it'll tell you like
Speaker 2: your subscriptions, like can remind.
Speaker 3: You, hey, you know you can't.
Speaker 1: It's very good. It just isn't so easy to like
Speaker 1: cancel them as they make it seem. But yeah, I'm trying.
Speaker 1: I had yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, oh, we can't
Speaker 1: do that for you here go just letting you know.
Speaker 1: But yeah, but for my husband and I, it was
Speaker 1: it's finally the platform that we're using now to like
Speaker 1: look at all of our stuff in one place. You
Speaker 1: know what, do they have.
Speaker 3: A network track around there? Yeah, all of that stuff,
Speaker 3: which which I really really like.
Speaker 1: It's a really nice dashboard and you can add your
Speaker 1: partner as like a joint user, and so it adds
Speaker 1: that level of transparency. But our problem is the time
Speaker 1: to like block out two hours to actually go through
Speaker 1: it and really do like I want to do a
Speaker 1: values lineup assessment. I want to I want to like
Speaker 1: talk through our values first, especially like around value specifically
Speaker 1: that relate to like finances, Like what types of things
Speaker 1: are we willing to spend more on? What do we
Speaker 1: not value so much? And then do like an audit
Speaker 1: of our finances and kind of like assess what things
Speaker 1: can be cut because they're not in alignment with our values,
Speaker 1: and kind of like look at how we've been spending
Speaker 1: I don't know the past like year or two and
Speaker 1: see how we are in or out of alignment with
Speaker 1: those values because our I know, one of our our
Speaker 1: values is being able to retire like earlier than the
Speaker 1: government would have us think is normal. I know our
Speaker 1: value is that we want to be able to like
Speaker 1: purchase homes for our kids and or help them with
Speaker 1: their first down payment. And my husband has a value
Speaker 1: of wanting to hand down a really nice watch to
Speaker 1: his boys, something that I kind of rolled my eyes out,
Speaker 1: but it means a lot to him. Yeah, He's like,
Speaker 1: I want to give them a Rolex, and I'm like, akay.
Speaker 1: But if that's a value, then let's be striving towards that.
Speaker 1: I think what we're going to find is a lot
Speaker 1: of door dash and uber eats and have to be like,
Speaker 1: was our value? Well, see what we could like our
Speaker 1: value is convenience and spending time as a family and
Speaker 1: me not having to cook. That's a value, but it's
Speaker 1: that it's setting. I would say one of my pieces
Speaker 1: of advice for you, Lauren, is just too as much
Speaker 1: as you can make it a habit, like and I've
Speaker 1: given this advice and I'm not great at enforcing it,
Speaker 1: which is like have that money, you know, scheduled conversation,
Speaker 1: whether it's like once a week, once a month, whatever,
Speaker 1: once a quarter, but having that dedicated time and if
Speaker 1: when all else fails. I really love getting a financial
Speaker 1: planner in the mix because especially if you do like
Speaker 1: a fee based or fee only planner for a few
Speaker 1: hundred dollars like which maybe that sounds like a lot,
Speaker 1: but consider like a couple's counselor in a way, because
Speaker 1: they can be like an objective third party to ask
Speaker 1: some of the questions that maybe if it came from you,
Speaker 1: they might get defensive or you don't even know which
Speaker 1: questions to ask, and a financial planner can and you
Speaker 1: can just make it simple. It's not like we are
Speaker 1: coming here to merge our finances. It's like we're gonna
Speaker 1: do with the financial planner just to do like a
Speaker 1: household budget assessment and get everything in one place and
Speaker 1: track our goals and all of that. And I promise
Speaker 1: like through that conversation with that planner, you'll be able
Speaker 1: to get a lot of clarity around your partners, like
Speaker 1: the EIMA was saying, like mindset around money, how they
Speaker 1: feel about money. You can start looking for red flags,
Speaker 1: like I think you know Obviously, someone who shuts down
Speaker 1: it doesn't want to do it. That's a big red flag.
Speaker 3: That's the one that's a big one.
Speaker 2: But I think like Lauren's question is more like, should
Speaker 2: you even be talking about finances with someone that you're
Speaker 2: not married with? I'm married too, And I think the
Speaker 2: overall answer is yes, But I'm going to say it
Speaker 2: depends because if you're not dating seriously, like it's a
Speaker 2: lot of people else out here just just like you know,
Speaker 2: you know, just dating for the thrills, you know, But
Speaker 2: if you want to go to that person, if you're
Speaker 2: if you're dating seriously and you want to go to
Speaker 2: the next level with that person, you want to make
Speaker 2: it more than just dating, and you might be on
Speaker 2: that wedding directory or life partner trajectory. And like in
Speaker 2: Ellie's case, like she doesn't feel like she's gonna be married,
Speaker 2: but you've been with this man for twelve years.
Speaker 3: I mean they share a lot inherently, right, So if
Speaker 3: that's the.
Speaker 2: Path that you're going on, the sooner the better to
Speaker 2: have these money conversations and I love you, and the
Speaker 2: suggestion of meeting with the financial planner. It kind of
Speaker 2: goes along the same thing of like the whole you know,
Speaker 2: setting up like prenums and like just getting prepared for that,
Speaker 2: because a lot of that is just like bringing to
Speaker 2: the table your gets your assets, all those things. And
Speaker 2: then also it brings to the forefront what your money personality.
Speaker 1: Is, you know, So I love Yeah, I like you
Speaker 1: can keep it light and cute early data. Maybe it's
Speaker 1: about I mean cause if you're like, let's say you're
Speaker 1: you're like bron one before, where one person earning is
Speaker 1: earning like three times as much as the other one,
Speaker 1: and the other one wants to go on dates and
Speaker 1: it's like any but you guys are only just dating.
Speaker 1: So it's like maybe you're going to go split seas
Speaker 1: or you know, you get one, I get one kind
Speaker 1: of thing. Yeah, then there should be a conversation, a
Speaker 1: candid one about hey, I'm not able to afford this
Speaker 1: type of date, so let's set a budget or are
Speaker 1: you comfortable? You know, like, are you okay if I
Speaker 1: take you to I don't know, why is chick fil
Speaker 1: A the only thing come to my mind? Chick fil
Speaker 1: A and take a walk in the park, versus like
Speaker 1: going to a Michelin rated restaurant. Right, and that I
Speaker 1: think is maybe not a comfortable conversation to have. But
Speaker 1: if they make you feel safe and not judged, and
Speaker 1: if they make you feel if they're completely understanding and
Speaker 1: immediately or like yes, that's a green flag. And if
Speaker 1: it's anything but that, I would say that's a that's
Speaker 1: a red flag to look out for it.
Speaker 2: Yeah, And like in the instance of like the person
Speaker 2: that's making like forty thousand dollars a year and wanting
Speaker 2: to be that person that takes that person out, I
Speaker 2: can understand like how that conversation can be uncomfortable because
Speaker 2: you want to be those things you want to be
Speaker 2: able to provide. And I have seen where those situations
Speaker 2: turn to like a Negati thing where it could where
Speaker 2: it could easily be just like let's have a conversation
Speaker 2: like I don't want to go out to all these
Speaker 2: places that you think that I might want to go
Speaker 2: to just because you think I'm used to a certain
Speaker 2: level of luxury.
Speaker 3: The more important thing is I want to spend quality
Speaker 3: time with you.
Speaker 2: And if that means that we order pizza and we
Speaker 2: watch Netflix, that's way more important to me then you
Speaker 2: trying to impress me and take me to this fancy
Speaker 2: restaurant because you know, I've been there and that's what
Speaker 2: I want to do. And I think that instead of
Speaker 2: shying away from those conversations, you're like, hey, like I
Speaker 2: really want to do these really nice things for you.
Speaker 2: But it's given me a little bit of anxiety because
Speaker 2: I can't do those things at that level right now,
Speaker 2: you know, And then what is a way that we
Speaker 2: can work around it? But I think people are so
Speaker 2: scared of having those conversations that they'll just give up
Speaker 2: on the relationship.
Speaker 1: And I've seen that, Well, if it really matters to you,
Speaker 1: don't give up. And I mean I don't mean to
Speaker 1: say if they're uncomfortable, like it's a right shut it down,
Speaker 1: because I think depends on ages. Like my husband and
Speaker 1: I got in a fight when we first started we
Speaker 1: moved in together, and I was like, for some reason,
Speaker 1: I'm such a hermione. I was like way over the top.
Speaker 1: I was financial, you know, financial expert, Yahoo finance, blah
Speaker 1: blah blah, like come on, tell me your credit score.
Speaker 1: And he was like, well, no, I won't. And I
Speaker 1: was like, well, yes you will. I need to credit score.
Speaker 1: And it became like this whole thing, this big like
Speaker 1: power struggle if like tell me what your credit score,
Speaker 1: and I should have just like calmed down, given him
Speaker 1: some space to get comfortable with the idea, and like
Speaker 1: eventually it was fine. But like leaving a little bit
Speaker 1: of like space for the human element, especially if they
Speaker 1: have anxiety or just like internalized patriarchy can be a
Speaker 1: part of that too. They need to learn a little
Speaker 1: bit of that much he's most sometimes and if they're
Speaker 1: worth there, you can give him a little bit of space,
Speaker 1: little bit, all right, be a fanble not sema. Thank
Speaker 1: you so much for joining me twice this week, ba fam,
Speaker 1: go check out in Nasima's incredible work and Wednesday's episode,
Speaker 1: of course, we learn a lot about her experience as
Speaker 1: a labor and delivery nurse and repping for Oakland And
Speaker 1: thanks for joining us, all right, check her out at
Speaker 1: Financially Intentional and what's the name of your podcast?
Speaker 3: Is it also financially intentional podcast?
Speaker 1: Financially Intentional podcast? All right, va Fam? Until next time, Bye,
Speaker 1: take care,