WEBVTT - My Husband's Parents Pay His Credit Card — Help! [BA QA]

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<v Speaker 1>Hey va fam, welcome to the b a QA on

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<v Speaker 1>this I don't know, delightful day. How are we feeling?

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<v Speaker 1>I kind of went for like a grunge kind of

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<v Speaker 1>like vibe. I got my my jilted American missus president

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<v Speaker 1>shirt on. Yes she can, yes she didn't. But it's

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<v Speaker 1>like Valentine's Day or whatever. So like, hi, yay, love.

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<v Speaker 2>Ya black clove, YadA.

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<v Speaker 1>Black clove.

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<v Speaker 2>Yes.

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, if you're Jalen Hurts and his wifey, like,

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<v Speaker 1>I hope that there's rose petals and like bubble baths

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<v Speaker 1>involved for you. I am joined by the beautiful, the wise,

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<v Speaker 1>the glowing Nassima mceilroy, aka the founder of Financially Intentional.

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<v Speaker 1>If y'all have not yet listened to this week's episode

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<v Speaker 1>on Wednesday, the Brown Table, that episode is dropped. You

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<v Speaker 1>can watch it on YouTube. Go watch it and then

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<v Speaker 1>come back because Nasima is amazing and you offered such

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<v Speaker 1>a great perspective. Why are you laughing at that? You

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<v Speaker 1>are amazing?

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<v Speaker 3>I love it.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm not so much fun.

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<v Speaker 3>I'm just reminiscing.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh good, That's all I want at the end of

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<v Speaker 1>the day. I just want you to have fun. Okay.

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<v Speaker 1>So Nasima. We are here to answer some questions from

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<v Speaker 1>the BA fam. I want to know about. I shared

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<v Speaker 1>a little bit about like my vibe around the holidays,

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<v Speaker 1>like how are you feeling about v Day? And relationships

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<v Speaker 1>in general, because we're here to talk about money and relationships.

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<v Speaker 2>Oh, money and relationships has always been like this weird

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<v Speaker 2>kind of thing for me, I am technically technically you know,

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<v Speaker 2>single right now, very much dating heavy.

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<v Speaker 1>Whoa you are? Okay? I love that for you.

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<v Speaker 2>That went Time's day. For me, I'm actually looking forward,

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<v Speaker 2>so it's going to happen. I'm in their good spirits

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<v Speaker 2>right now. But yeah, with my current relationship, I think money.

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<v Speaker 2>The dynamic between like money talking about money is totally

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<v Speaker 2>different than I've ever experienced because it's somebody that's kind

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<v Speaker 2>of in the same similar space than us, and so

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<v Speaker 2>we share a similar viewpoint. This person probably maybe.

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<v Speaker 1>Whisper the name all editing Nah tell me damn because Chris,

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<v Speaker 1>you know pop on finance. Chris. I loved the he

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<v Speaker 1>was single for like point five seconds, but and I

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<v Speaker 1>told him he would. I was like, the girls are

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<v Speaker 1>going to be all over this strapping young man. But anyway,

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<v Speaker 1>I just just I love.

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<v Speaker 3>I just love the romance. Yes it's the romances, Yes,

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<v Speaker 3>very nice romance.

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<v Speaker 2>And so before and I mentioned this in our episode,

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<v Speaker 2>you know, I've been in a position where one of

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<v Speaker 2>it is one of those things that brings a little

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<v Speaker 2>bit of contention because I've always made a lot of money,

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<v Speaker 2>typically more money than the person that I've been with,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's always been like a topic topic of discussion,

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<v Speaker 2>like oh, yeah, I know you're in this position and

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<v Speaker 2>I would never and what kind of man would? Until

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<v Speaker 2>things change, right, and this time it's more of a balance,

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<v Speaker 2>and so money conversations look a lot different under this context,

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<v Speaker 2>and it's actually really exciting.

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<v Speaker 3>It's like the first.

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<v Speaker 2>Time I felt comfortable kind of pulling out the veil

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<v Speaker 2>and like sharing in detail, like getting financially naked and

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<v Speaker 2>sharing details and then being able to have like really

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<v Speaker 2>constructive conversations around money, and it's really certisfying.

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<v Speaker 3>So I love it.

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<v Speaker 1>I I just I know how how special that is,

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<v Speaker 1>especially after not having that. I can't even tell you.

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<v Speaker 1>I'm so happy. And yes, I hope he buys you

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<v Speaker 1>flowers and opens doors and all that, but like sitting

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<v Speaker 1>down to have a financial conversation with like an equal who,

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<v Speaker 1>there's no eggshells, there's no ego to tiptoe around.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, it's that part.

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<v Speaker 1>I could almost like get emotional about that. I'm really

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<v Speaker 1>really happy for you. You deserve that. We all do.

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<v Speaker 3>Thank you, thank you. I think so. I think so

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<v Speaker 3>is just really refreshing that Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>How long? Well, how long have you all been dating?

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<v Speaker 1>If you don't mind me asking, it's a couple of months.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh just okay. I love that you're already having this discussion.

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<v Speaker 1>But now we're no spring chickens. Like, this is not

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<v Speaker 1>dating at twenty two, you're forty two.

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<v Speaker 3>This is dating at forty two. This is dating with

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<v Speaker 3>kids involved, this is dating with it.

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<v Speaker 2>You have to be intentional about that business exactly. It's

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<v Speaker 2>it's a whole bunch of things that if you don't

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<v Speaker 2>start having those conversations early, is like, then.

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<v Speaker 3>What are we really doing?

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<v Speaker 2>Then we're just being friends because it's a different situation definitely.

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<v Speaker 1>And if you're worth it to them, they'll or if

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<v Speaker 1>it's meant to be, Like it's almost like creating a

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<v Speaker 1>boundary by saying I'm ready to have these discussions, and

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<v Speaker 1>it's like a pre screen. Are you ready?

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<v Speaker 4>Yep?

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<v Speaker 1>Because if yes, Pasco, if no go back exactly. Yeah.

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<v Speaker 1>Do you have any advice for other women who are

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<v Speaker 1>thinking about getting back out there, who are just getting

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<v Speaker 1>back out there, who are like established in their lives,

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<v Speaker 1>especially after the convo we had Wednesday, y'all have to

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<v Speaker 1>go listen to it about prenups and audit. Yeah, how

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<v Speaker 1>do you think you'll have you'll approach this relationship differently,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, from a money and business perspective, protecting yourself.

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<v Speaker 3>Oh, it's totally. Like even after we had the conversation.

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<v Speaker 2>On Wednesday, it was kind of something that I could

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<v Speaker 2>touch back on and like, okay, like this is why

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<v Speaker 2>prenups are important.

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<v Speaker 1>This is.

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<v Speaker 2>You know, I think this is something that we should

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<v Speaker 2>discuss early on, and we like from our first conversation,

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<v Speaker 2>like literally our first like serious conversation.

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<v Speaker 3>It was even brought up and it was just a check.

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<v Speaker 2>It was just a recheck in like this is really

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<v Speaker 2>important to me, this is why, And then the sentiments

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<v Speaker 2>were echoed because it's the.

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<v Speaker 3>Same thing, like we both have a lot to lose and.

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<v Speaker 2>We both have a lot to gain, and I think

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<v Speaker 2>that that's what drives us, Like it's not about the

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<v Speaker 2>prospect of you know, not being together. It's really about

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<v Speaker 2>how we're going to manage our finances and how are

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<v Speaker 2>we going to continue to have those discussions going forward?

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<v Speaker 3>Mm hmm do you a check?

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<v Speaker 1>Ind Yeah, that's that's great. Do you think that because

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<v Speaker 1>you you shared on the show that you've had to

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<v Speaker 1>have one marriage and then one you said it was

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<v Speaker 1>a civil union, it was.

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<v Speaker 2>A domestic partnership that I still had to get good

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<v Speaker 2>first from.

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<v Speaker 1>Yeah, which, yeah, that blew my mind. I'm like that

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<v Speaker 1>was helpful to know. Yeah, anyone for anyone in that situation. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>so talk to me. I mean, it is does it

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<v Speaker 1>even matter like putting a label on it? Marriage? Is

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<v Speaker 1>that something that you want to pursue again, knowing what

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<v Speaker 1>you know now?

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<v Speaker 2>Was always something that after especially after going through marriage.

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<v Speaker 2>And I can say that definitely my first marriage, I

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<v Speaker 2>didn't really think about it really did. I wasn't very

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<v Speaker 2>intentional about it, and I probably got married for the

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<v Speaker 2>wrong reasons and not understanding marriage. And I think like

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<v Speaker 2>Aaron made a great point of understanding what marriage is

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<v Speaker 2>really about and people came from it from that perspective. Yes,

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<v Speaker 2>but I didn't.

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<v Speaker 1>I just feel like you have to be in a marriage.

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<v Speaker 1>I almost think you need to go through a marriage

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<v Speaker 1>to know what marriage is. That it's very unfair to

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<v Speaker 1>sort of like hold everyone to the standard of like

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<v Speaker 1>go get married and you can, you'll never get divorced,

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<v Speaker 1>and if you get divorced, you failed. I almost feel

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<v Speaker 1>like that is it's so different when you're in it,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'm eight years in and I'm just now like

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<v Speaker 1>really learning how a long marriage, you know, like decades

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<v Speaker 1>of marriage like that, what that needs, And like I

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<v Speaker 1>could know. I could have told you intellectually, I could

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<v Speaker 1>have told you what I heard, what advice I had gotten,

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<v Speaker 1>what books I had read, But like living it, I

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<v Speaker 1>just I think that lived experience is so necessary.

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<v Speaker 4>It is.

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<v Speaker 3>And my whole thing was.

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<v Speaker 2>I was after that dissolution of my first marriage, like

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<v Speaker 2>even going into having a domestic partnership. I was the

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<v Speaker 2>reason why we had a domestic partnership and did not

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<v Speaker 2>get married was because I was animate that I did

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<v Speaker 2>not want to get married. But then then I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>understand like the legal implications of a domestic partnership when

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<v Speaker 2>you have kids and you have property together. But I

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<v Speaker 2>was just like I was so animated about like not

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<v Speaker 2>getting married again, and how horrible it was is to

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<v Speaker 2>go through that divorce process, and like being like people

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<v Speaker 2>should have to go through a divorced process first before

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<v Speaker 2>they get married so they can understand who that person is.

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<v Speaker 2>But now, like, it's different when you have great communication,

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<v Speaker 2>you have you know, those you're able to have those

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<v Speaker 2>open conversations and again you're able to get financially naked

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<v Speaker 2>and not feel vulnerable and not feel taken advantage of

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<v Speaker 2>and not having a tiptoe around emotions in which is

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<v Speaker 2>what you often have to do in insecurities and all

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<v Speaker 2>those kind of things. So I can honestly say, like

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<v Speaker 2>it's the first time in my life that I've really

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<v Speaker 2>been seriously considering even getting married again.

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<v Speaker 1>Okay, yeah, are your little girls? What's it like raising

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<v Speaker 1>three little girls?

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<v Speaker 3>That?

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<v Speaker 1>I mean, I guess two of your girls are probably

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<v Speaker 1>engaging with content and the internet media. Yeah. I remember

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<v Speaker 1>being four years old and fully understanding marriage and knowing

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<v Speaker 1>I wanted to be a bride because of course, I mean,

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<v Speaker 1>that was the outcome that like every movie that I

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<v Speaker 1>loved was all about so and it's just so funny different.

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<v Speaker 2>It's different with these kids, Like they are exposed to

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<v Speaker 2>a lot and I think a little bit too much.

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<v Speaker 2>So I'm having like really different conversations my oldest daughter.

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<v Speaker 3>Yeah, I don't know, trying to be a lesbian. I

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<v Speaker 3>don't know. That's a whole other conversation for another day.

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<v Speaker 4>But but you know, but being they see like a

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<v Speaker 4>spectrum of relationships, and they've seen me be married, they

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<v Speaker 4>see me not be married, and.

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<v Speaker 2>They understand peace and happiness, and so they lean towards

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<v Speaker 2>whatever brings you peace and happiness. And I don't think

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<v Speaker 2>they've seen they've seen me be more peaceful independently than

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<v Speaker 2>in a relationship, and so I think they're saying that

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<v Speaker 2>whatever brings me piece is what I want to do,

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<v Speaker 2>and they're understanding that, which to me is empowering because

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<v Speaker 2>they don't tie their happiness to another person.

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<v Speaker 1>I learned so much about relationships by watching my mother.

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<v Speaker 1>Of course, I remember the happiest I ever saw her

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<v Speaker 1>was the years after she divorced my dad and she

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<v Speaker 1>was single and dating, and like, yeah, I mean, and

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<v Speaker 1>that's something that comes up for me, is like when

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<v Speaker 1>I think about those like kind of magic golden years

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<v Speaker 1>being a kid, I'm like, oh, when my mom was

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<v Speaker 1>going on these dates and she was getting all dolled up,

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<v Speaker 1>and I'd watch her, you know, blow dry her hair

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<v Speaker 1>and like the perfume and stuff, and she had friends

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<v Speaker 1>and she was having fun. And that really sticks with

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<v Speaker 1>me as a mom because I just feel like it's

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<v Speaker 1>so important for them to see us like thrive and

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<v Speaker 1>have a life and have joy and have these relationships, friendships,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, lovers like all that. It's because it's their

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<v Speaker 1>example too of what they can get. All right, be

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<v Speaker 1>a fan. Well, I want to jump into y'all's questions

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<v Speaker 1>because as today is Valentine's Day, take that for what

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<v Speaker 1>it's worth. I've been saving some questions from ba fam

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<v Speaker 1>about relationships and money, and so I thought, since I

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<v Speaker 1>haven't seen me here, who better to help me answer

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<v Speaker 1>these questions with y'all. So I love how this question

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<v Speaker 1>is like a novel, and then the other question is

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<v Speaker 1>literally like six words.

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<v Speaker 2>Right, Okay, oh my gosh, Okay, Well let's take let's

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<v Speaker 2>go with the big one first.

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<v Speaker 1>Let'll get this out of the way. Not that your

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<v Speaker 1>question is not important to me, Bronwin, this is your

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<v Speaker 1>anonymous pseudonym. Alrighty, So this question comes from listener Bronwin,

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<v Speaker 1>who is a newly Wedged says, my husband and I

0:12:39.040 --> 0:12:43.800
<v Speaker 1>recently got married and we're discussing plans to merge our finances. Okay,

0:12:43.840 --> 0:12:46.560
<v Speaker 1>doing that after the marriage, all right? For context, I

0:12:46.559 --> 0:12:48.960
<v Speaker 1>make about one hundred and fifty K. My husband makes

0:12:49.000 --> 0:12:52.680
<v Speaker 1>forty K. I have ninety nine K and student loans

0:12:52.920 --> 0:12:55.680
<v Speaker 1>with ambitious plans to pay them off in five years.

0:12:55.800 --> 0:12:58.520
<v Speaker 1>I moved into the house that he owned three years ago,

0:12:58.720 --> 0:13:02.679
<v Speaker 1>and since then we've maintained separate finances. I currently contribute

0:13:02.720 --> 0:13:05.840
<v Speaker 1>almost half the mortgage, and I primarily cover the costs

0:13:05.840 --> 0:13:09.960
<v Speaker 1>of groceries. All other household expenses are on him, but

0:13:10.040 --> 0:13:13.880
<v Speaker 1>we split major purchases and dining out. So if and

0:13:13.920 --> 0:13:18.679
<v Speaker 1>when we merge finances, we plan to split household finances proportionally,

0:13:19.400 --> 0:13:23.400
<v Speaker 1>meaning that I would cover more of our household costs

0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:29.040
<v Speaker 1>because I earn more. However, all caps my husband primarily

0:13:29.160 --> 0:13:31.840
<v Speaker 1>uses a credit card for his day to day expenses,

0:13:31.880 --> 0:13:34.360
<v Speaker 1>and his parents his parents. Wait, I didn't read this

0:13:34.440 --> 0:13:38.040
<v Speaker 1>question before. All the way through, his parents make the

0:13:38.160 --> 0:13:44.320
<v Speaker 1>monthly payment. Okay, I mean not shocking because he's making

0:13:44.360 --> 0:13:49.640
<v Speaker 1>forty K. Like how a right? Sorry, back to front one.

0:13:49.920 --> 0:13:53.120
<v Speaker 1>Although I also benefit from the generosity of this magic

0:13:53.200 --> 0:13:56.160
<v Speaker 1>credit card. I don't know how to share finances without

0:13:56.160 --> 0:13:59.920
<v Speaker 1>feeling resentment because I will have less disposable income to

0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:04.360
<v Speaker 1>cover my debt and regular life expenses. Being a black

0:14:04.400 --> 0:14:08.000
<v Speaker 1>woman ain't cheap. But he will benefit from my taking

0:14:08.040 --> 0:14:10.480
<v Speaker 1>on more of the household cost and he will have

0:14:10.559 --> 0:14:13.920
<v Speaker 1>a bottomless pot of money to swipe from while I

0:14:14.000 --> 0:14:17.440
<v Speaker 1>have a very strict budget that I follow. Should we

0:14:17.520 --> 0:14:21.680
<v Speaker 1>share finances and if so, how should we split things

0:14:21.720 --> 0:14:25.360
<v Speaker 1>to account for my high income but high debt and

0:14:25.440 --> 0:14:31.000
<v Speaker 1>his bottomless gift? Do his parents know what's bottomless?

0:14:32.360 --> 0:14:38.600
<v Speaker 2>That's very that's a very interesting situation, Like why I

0:14:38.640 --> 0:14:41.520
<v Speaker 2>guess I have more questions than.

0:14:42.920 --> 0:14:44.480
<v Speaker 1>Answers. Let's talk it through. What are some of the

0:14:44.560 --> 0:14:45.440
<v Speaker 1>questions coming up?

0:14:46.040 --> 0:14:49.680
<v Speaker 2>First of all, like why is he only making forty

0:14:49.720 --> 0:14:50.880
<v Speaker 2>thousand dollars?

0:14:51.760 --> 0:14:53.360
<v Speaker 1>What does he do? Substitute teacher?

0:14:53.440 --> 0:14:55.440
<v Speaker 3>What makes Yeah?

0:14:55.560 --> 0:14:58.640
<v Speaker 2>I don't know. I blow my mind that somebody can

0:14:58.840 --> 0:15:00.800
<v Speaker 2>survive off of forty thousand dollars.

0:15:01.040 --> 0:15:04.240
<v Speaker 3>But maybe if you.

0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:04.640
<v Speaker 1>Maybe they live in Mississippi.

0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:08.880
<v Speaker 2>Maybe if you have this like endless access to money,

0:15:09.840 --> 0:15:12.280
<v Speaker 2>like from your parents, you don't have the ambition to

0:15:12.360 --> 0:15:12.840
<v Speaker 2>make more.

0:15:13.160 --> 0:15:13.560
<v Speaker 3>I don't know.

0:15:13.600 --> 0:15:16.720
<v Speaker 2>So that's kind of where my mind goes and then

0:15:16.760 --> 0:15:19.960
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, Okay, like she really wants an answer to this,

0:15:20.040 --> 0:15:22.440
<v Speaker 2>and I think that it's fair for her to feel

0:15:22.480 --> 0:15:23.320
<v Speaker 2>this kind of way.

0:15:23.760 --> 0:15:26.760
<v Speaker 3>It's not his. Well, I'm sure they can work through that,

0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:31.960
<v Speaker 3>but I'm just like, I think what's.

0:15:31.760 --> 0:15:34.440
<v Speaker 2>Gonna end up happening is is that they really need

0:15:34.480 --> 0:15:37.040
<v Speaker 2>to sit down and talk about like what their real

0:15:37.360 --> 0:15:44.280
<v Speaker 2>expenses are and then make that equitable, because like credit

0:15:44.360 --> 0:15:46.560
<v Speaker 2>card spending is going to be purchases, it's going to

0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:50.280
<v Speaker 2>be you know, it's not going to be necessarily your

0:15:50.360 --> 0:15:52.880
<v Speaker 2>utility bills, or it could be I don't know, So

0:15:53.040 --> 0:15:55.600
<v Speaker 2>what are your real expenses and then how do you

0:15:55.640 --> 0:15:58.440
<v Speaker 2>think it would be equitable to split those?

0:16:00.560 --> 0:16:05.200
<v Speaker 1>But it's just the can you put your student loan

0:16:05.240 --> 0:16:09.040
<v Speaker 1>debts on his credit card? Can you put that? Could

0:16:09.080 --> 0:16:11.440
<v Speaker 1>make it a little equitable? Exactly?

0:16:11.920 --> 0:16:13.920
<v Speaker 3>Probably not, But I understand.

0:16:14.120 --> 0:16:18.160
<v Speaker 2>I understand the feeling of like somebody has this these resources,

0:16:18.240 --> 0:16:23.160
<v Speaker 2>is access to resources that you don't have, and also

0:16:23.360 --> 0:16:25.240
<v Speaker 2>like a little bit of resentment because you probably had

0:16:25.280 --> 0:16:27.840
<v Speaker 2>to work really hard to get to where you're at

0:16:27.840 --> 0:16:32.720
<v Speaker 2>to make one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. But like,

0:16:32.840 --> 0:16:35.720
<v Speaker 2>I just feel like in lieu of the conversation that

0:16:35.800 --> 0:16:36.680
<v Speaker 2>we had on Wednesday.

0:16:36.760 --> 0:16:39.600
<v Speaker 3>I just feel like, how are you already married and

0:16:39.640 --> 0:16:41.760
<v Speaker 3>these things haven't been fleshed out?

0:16:42.480 --> 0:16:46.200
<v Speaker 1>That's my first thought too. Yeah, and it's not like

0:16:46.200 --> 0:16:49.640
<v Speaker 1>they've gotten married, like and they've only been dating, you know,

0:16:49.920 --> 0:16:53.360
<v Speaker 1>like she lived with him for three years, still didn't

0:16:53.360 --> 0:16:56.120
<v Speaker 1>work this out. I don't know why things necessarily need

0:16:56.160 --> 0:16:58.800
<v Speaker 1>to change after marriage. That was interesting to me. How

0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:03.840
<v Speaker 1>because they've been married now they're gonna like reproportion the expenses.

0:17:03.920 --> 0:17:06.240
<v Speaker 1>You know, she's gone from paying fifty to fifty for

0:17:06.320 --> 0:17:09.520
<v Speaker 1>his mortgage. That almost makes it seem like it was

0:17:09.800 --> 0:17:12.560
<v Speaker 1>in his best interest to marry her because then he

0:17:12.600 --> 0:17:15.400
<v Speaker 1>would get more help with his mortgage, which sounds sick,

0:17:16.119 --> 0:17:18.320
<v Speaker 1>but that is kind of like how marriages worked back

0:17:18.320 --> 0:17:21.399
<v Speaker 1>in the olden days. You know. Sometimes you'd have the

0:17:21.480 --> 0:17:23.919
<v Speaker 1>man would have the title or whatever, or the parents

0:17:24.000 --> 0:17:27.680
<v Speaker 1>credit card, and the woman with a dowry would help

0:17:27.840 --> 0:17:33.200
<v Speaker 1>pay off debts or whatnot. But that just that it's

0:17:33.240 --> 0:17:35.679
<v Speaker 1>like a bit of a red flag for me, just

0:17:36.119 --> 0:17:38.080
<v Speaker 1>why are we changing this up if it's been working

0:17:38.119 --> 0:17:38.680
<v Speaker 1>for so long?

0:17:39.400 --> 0:17:39.880
<v Speaker 3>Exactly?

0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:41.800
<v Speaker 2>And the thing is, okay, what kind of mortgage are

0:17:41.840 --> 0:17:46.320
<v Speaker 2>you having on a forty thousand dollars income, unless unless

0:17:46.320 --> 0:17:48.320
<v Speaker 2>it's like a house that his parents bought for him.

0:17:48.320 --> 0:17:52.960
<v Speaker 2>And it's just like so many questions. Yeah, and I'm hi, Yeah,

0:17:53.040 --> 0:17:56.040
<v Speaker 2>is she's still winning because it for her to move

0:17:56.080 --> 0:17:59.439
<v Speaker 2>into this house, it has to be like a financial

0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:04.040
<v Speaker 2>reason in there somewhere, right, and so like how much

0:18:04.119 --> 0:18:08.000
<v Speaker 2>is this mortgage? And it's just like it Just like

0:18:08.040 --> 0:18:10.280
<v Speaker 2>I said, it brings up more questions than I have

0:18:10.520 --> 0:18:13.720
<v Speaker 2>answers to because I just I.

0:18:13.720 --> 0:18:16.160
<v Speaker 3>Need to understand this situation a little bit better.

0:18:16.320 --> 0:18:18.240
<v Speaker 1>Maybe those will make you feel more comfortable. I didn't

0:18:18.280 --> 0:18:21.560
<v Speaker 1>do my salt shaker spiel. Y'all. This is our get

0:18:21.560 --> 0:18:23.480
<v Speaker 1>your salt shakers out. This is the baq wa, this

0:18:23.560 --> 0:18:26.240
<v Speaker 1>is infotainment. Okay, we are educated, we are smart, we

0:18:26.280 --> 0:18:28.440
<v Speaker 1>know our ship, but we don't know all of your

0:18:28.920 --> 0:18:30.560
<v Speaker 1>We're not your lawyer, we're not your financial plan and

0:18:30.680 --> 0:18:32.919
<v Speaker 1>not your financial advisor. Don't sue us. So your grandma,

0:18:32.960 --> 0:18:34.919
<v Speaker 1>as Tip would always say, so, Nazima, Now do you

0:18:34.920 --> 0:18:37.520
<v Speaker 1>feel safe. Let's let's hypotheticalize this.

0:18:39.160 --> 0:18:40.639
<v Speaker 3>We will hypotheticalize it.

0:18:41.720 --> 0:18:44.520
<v Speaker 1>She wants to know should we share finances? How should

0:18:44.560 --> 0:18:47.040
<v Speaker 1>we split things up? To account for my high income

0:18:47.080 --> 0:18:50.679
<v Speaker 1>but high debt and his bottomless gift. Listen, like in

0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:55.120
<v Speaker 1>a marriage, my debt became and and vice versa. That's

0:18:55.200 --> 0:18:58.520
<v Speaker 1>our debt. This is our goal. I don't see why

0:18:58.840 --> 0:19:02.040
<v Speaker 1>if if I would propose to him, even like, hey,

0:19:02.119 --> 0:19:05.199
<v Speaker 1>I know we've talked about increasing the proportion of my

0:19:05.240 --> 0:19:09.359
<v Speaker 1>mortgage the mortgage payment, my mortgage payment share because I

0:19:09.400 --> 0:19:12.320
<v Speaker 1>earn more now that we're married. But what if I

0:19:12.359 --> 0:19:15.280
<v Speaker 1>you know, what if we calculated that, but I keep

0:19:15.320 --> 0:19:17.479
<v Speaker 1>paying you half and I take the extra and I

0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:21.880
<v Speaker 1>just put that toward my student loans because ultimately that's

0:19:21.920 --> 0:19:24.520
<v Speaker 1>going to be better for our for us as a couple,

0:19:24.560 --> 0:19:27.840
<v Speaker 1>because this is our debt now, and I wonder how

0:19:27.880 --> 0:19:32.640
<v Speaker 1>he might take that. I also feel like he may

0:19:32.680 --> 0:19:35.760
<v Speaker 1>not have any student loan debt because maybe his parents

0:19:36.960 --> 0:19:41.240
<v Speaker 1>bankrolled that. No shade to nepple babies like no shade,

0:19:41.320 --> 0:19:44.359
<v Speaker 1>like I hope to raise one in a way, I

0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:48.320
<v Speaker 1>hope to raise kids who I mean, not necessarily have

0:19:48.480 --> 0:19:52.199
<v Speaker 1>my credit card when your ass is married, but who

0:19:52.560 --> 0:19:56.760
<v Speaker 1>who have some you know, some financial support. Yeah, that's

0:19:56.800 --> 0:20:00.440
<v Speaker 1>my thought, Like the debt should be theirs. I feel

0:20:00.440 --> 0:20:04.440
<v Speaker 1>weird about him wanting to pay less of the mortgage

0:20:04.480 --> 0:20:07.160
<v Speaker 1>because also, oh, this is what I wanted to ask,

0:20:07.280 --> 0:20:10.119
<v Speaker 1>is her name on the deed? Like is she going

0:20:10.160 --> 0:20:13.879
<v Speaker 1>to actually get she's putting money into this mortgage, she

0:20:13.880 --> 0:20:17.480
<v Speaker 1>should be on the deed, she should be earning equity.

0:20:19.080 --> 0:20:21.239
<v Speaker 2>Well, I think that's inherent in the marriage. And I

0:20:21.240 --> 0:20:24.800
<v Speaker 2>think that's what Aaron talked about. And I wanted like

0:20:24.880 --> 0:20:28.720
<v Speaker 2>to highlight the things that he shared in the way

0:20:28.760 --> 0:20:31.760
<v Speaker 2>that his like, for example, his managers said, up, but like,

0:20:32.240 --> 0:20:36.720
<v Speaker 2>when you get married, it's no longer my assets your assets.

0:20:36.760 --> 0:20:38.240
<v Speaker 2>If you wanted to keep it like that, you don't

0:20:38.280 --> 0:20:42.479
<v Speaker 2>get married, right, So now everything is your assets together.

0:20:42.560 --> 0:20:45.600
<v Speaker 2>So now you're a one hundred and ninety thousand dollars

0:20:46.240 --> 0:20:51.320
<v Speaker 2>I mean yearly income households okay, And so everything needs

0:20:51.359 --> 0:20:52.880
<v Speaker 2>to be looked at like that.

0:20:54.440 --> 0:20:56.800
<v Speaker 1>And yeah, that's true. And she's talking about if it

0:20:56.880 --> 0:20:58.520
<v Speaker 1>only merged, finances will boom.

0:20:58.600 --> 0:21:03.200
<v Speaker 2>It's like, well, they're already under done it under the law, right,

0:21:03.640 --> 0:21:06.080
<v Speaker 2>so now figure out a way where you can have

0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:08.919
<v Speaker 2>a conversation to make it as equitable as possible.

0:21:11.960 --> 0:21:13.160
<v Speaker 3>I mean that's the only way.

0:21:13.400 --> 0:21:15.639
<v Speaker 2>I mean, that's a solution to me. It's just like

0:21:15.680 --> 0:21:19.080
<v Speaker 2>sitting down, I'll share your feelings. You guys aren't new

0:21:19.119 --> 0:21:21.840
<v Speaker 2>to this, y'all tut this. Y'all already been in this

0:21:21.880 --> 0:21:25.679
<v Speaker 2>for a little while. You've already been commingling funds as

0:21:25.720 --> 0:21:27.960
<v Speaker 2>what they would call it when you go to the court.

0:21:28.040 --> 0:21:31.959
<v Speaker 2>You've already been commingling. So figure out a way that

0:21:32.040 --> 0:21:36.159
<v Speaker 2>feels fair for both of you, guys. And then I

0:21:36.320 --> 0:21:39.160
<v Speaker 2>just like try and really trying to understand how much

0:21:39.160 --> 0:21:42.960
<v Speaker 2>of the parent involvement is here and if that has

0:21:43.000 --> 0:21:45.600
<v Speaker 2>anything to do with a lot of the of the

0:21:45.640 --> 0:21:49.359
<v Speaker 2>resentment that she's feeling. It's like, is, does she feel

0:21:49.400 --> 0:21:54.399
<v Speaker 2>like that maybe he doesn't feel as committed to the

0:21:54.400 --> 0:21:57.360
<v Speaker 2>finances as he as he should because he has this

0:21:57.880 --> 0:22:01.560
<v Speaker 2>magic credit card like she likes to call it. Does

0:22:01.600 --> 0:22:07.040
<v Speaker 2>she feel resentment because you know, he doesn't necessarily have

0:22:07.200 --> 0:22:09.520
<v Speaker 2>to pull the same weight that she does, because he

0:22:09.560 --> 0:22:13.280
<v Speaker 2>doesn't have student loans like it just seems like there's

0:22:13.280 --> 0:22:16.760
<v Speaker 2>some things that they need to untangle, which I feel like, again,

0:22:17.400 --> 0:22:19.960
<v Speaker 2>now that you're already married, maybe a post nup will

0:22:19.960 --> 0:22:22.520
<v Speaker 2>help you work through and give you words around and

0:22:22.560 --> 0:22:26.720
<v Speaker 2>community and actual structure to put things under. So I

0:22:26.720 --> 0:22:29.800
<v Speaker 2>think what ultimate advice would be maybe consider going through

0:22:29.840 --> 0:22:33.840
<v Speaker 2>a post process or picking up Aaron's book and kind

0:22:33.840 --> 0:22:36.160
<v Speaker 2>of working through that and using that as a guy

0:22:36.760 --> 0:22:39.600
<v Speaker 2>to walk you through how to have these conversations and

0:22:39.600 --> 0:22:43.399
<v Speaker 2>how to look through things like objectively and get some

0:22:43.440 --> 0:22:46.879
<v Speaker 2>of those questions that questions answered that maybe causing the

0:22:46.960 --> 0:22:48.280
<v Speaker 2>resent any of your relationship.

0:22:49.119 --> 0:22:52.040
<v Speaker 1>And Aaron's book is called pre Nupts Made Simple right

0:22:52.080 --> 0:22:58.840
<v Speaker 1>by Aaron Thomas prescription. Oh thanks, not at all what

0:22:58.880 --> 0:23:03.280
<v Speaker 1>I said? The free a description Okay, all right, gotcha? Well,

0:23:03.320 --> 0:23:05.680
<v Speaker 1>you know, fifty to fifty we did it. Yeah, that's

0:23:05.720 --> 0:23:08.760
<v Speaker 1>such a good point to talk about that prenup and

0:23:08.800 --> 0:23:11.840
<v Speaker 1>to get some protection yourself, and especially if his parents

0:23:11.880 --> 0:23:14.920
<v Speaker 1>have substantial assets. I mean that we're not making we're

0:23:14.920 --> 0:23:17.320
<v Speaker 1>making some assumptions about his parents being like loaded, but

0:23:17.880 --> 0:23:20.440
<v Speaker 1>it could be like a five hundred dollars credit card,

0:23:20.440 --> 0:23:23.399
<v Speaker 1>we don't know, just for like, I don't know, to

0:23:23.400 --> 0:23:26.320
<v Speaker 1>buy himself lunch. I just can't take it when your

0:23:26.320 --> 0:23:28.359
<v Speaker 1>mommy and daddy gave you a credit card to just

0:23:28.480 --> 0:23:31.639
<v Speaker 1>use when you're grown and married. Okay, anyway, just like no,

0:23:32.880 --> 0:23:35.199
<v Speaker 1>but I love the idea of the post nup. I

0:23:35.200 --> 0:23:40.080
<v Speaker 1>also love I also like, oh, This is what I

0:23:40.119 --> 0:23:42.600
<v Speaker 1>was going to say earlier, because she mentioned how her

0:23:42.760 --> 0:23:44.800
<v Speaker 1>day to day expenses and you know, she put it

0:23:44.840 --> 0:23:48.320
<v Speaker 1>in parentheticals like being a black woman's expensive. And I

0:23:48.359 --> 0:23:50.760
<v Speaker 1>feel like when you spend so many years keeping your

0:23:50.800 --> 0:23:54.080
<v Speaker 1>finances separate as a couple, it can be uncomfortable to

0:23:54.160 --> 0:23:57.960
<v Speaker 1>pull the curtain back and then show here's actually, yeah,

0:23:57.960 --> 0:24:00.480
<v Speaker 1>here's actually where my money is going, because you're gonna

0:24:00.520 --> 0:24:03.560
<v Speaker 1>have someone else's judgment involved. But I mean, like my

0:24:03.680 --> 0:24:06.840
<v Speaker 1>husband needed to know that I'm a massive Beyonce fan,

0:24:06.920 --> 0:24:09.919
<v Speaker 1>so when she goes on tour, it's gonna be you know,

0:24:10.240 --> 0:24:14.200
<v Speaker 1>a washer dryer, Like yes, and that's what I value

0:24:14.240 --> 0:24:15.800
<v Speaker 1>in life, Like you need to kind of know that,

0:24:15.920 --> 0:24:18.680
<v Speaker 1>or like if it's your hair appointments, your nails, I

0:24:18.680 --> 0:24:22.119
<v Speaker 1>don't know what else, but like that is something that

0:24:22.600 --> 0:24:25.240
<v Speaker 1>you know, you should maybe get comfortable talking about because

0:24:25.280 --> 0:24:29.400
<v Speaker 1>you're gonna want transparency from him and have that transparency yourself.

0:24:29.440 --> 0:24:32.159
<v Speaker 1>And it's I liked what Aaron said too about having

0:24:32.200 --> 0:24:35.480
<v Speaker 1>the in their post nup or hitting his prenup with

0:24:35.520 --> 0:24:39.400
<v Speaker 1>his wife was having a clause that said if one

0:24:39.440 --> 0:24:42.399
<v Speaker 1>of us spends over five hundred dollars, we have to

0:24:42.440 --> 0:24:48.840
<v Speaker 1>tell the other person, So that kind of protection is important.

0:24:48.880 --> 0:24:50.480
<v Speaker 1>So yeah, I'm on the street.

0:24:50.560 --> 0:24:51.080
<v Speaker 3>I think that.

0:24:51.680 --> 0:24:55.359
<v Speaker 2>I also think that when people make a certain amount

0:24:55.359 --> 0:24:58.400
<v Speaker 2>of money, it's automatically assumed that they.

0:24:58.160 --> 0:24:59.080
<v Speaker 3>Have more money.

0:24:59.240 --> 0:25:02.760
<v Speaker 2>When a whole lot of lifestyle inflation and lifestyle creep

0:25:03.080 --> 0:25:06.520
<v Speaker 2>happens there where this person that's making forty thousand dollars

0:25:06.560 --> 0:25:09.920
<v Speaker 2>can easily have more disposable income than this person that's

0:25:09.960 --> 0:25:11.520
<v Speaker 2>making one hundred and fifty thousand.

0:25:11.320 --> 0:25:13.200
<v Speaker 3>Dollars, especially when you don't have to spend money on

0:25:14.040 --> 0:25:15.800
<v Speaker 3>day to day expence. You're putting them on.

0:25:15.720 --> 0:25:19.119
<v Speaker 1>Your picturing being a farmer, and she's like, I'm just

0:25:19.119 --> 0:25:22.880
<v Speaker 1>picturing like boat bos Bozema, Saint John from real start

0:25:22.880 --> 0:25:26.920
<v Speaker 1>to Beverly Hills, like dating, I don't know, dating the farmer,

0:25:29.080 --> 0:25:31.960
<v Speaker 1>and like it works for them, but it's very different,

0:25:32.280 --> 0:25:32.520
<v Speaker 1>you know.

0:25:32.800 --> 0:25:35.919
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, yeah, but you know, there could be a lot

0:25:35.920 --> 0:25:38.960
<v Speaker 2>of assumptions on his rehalf, like that she should have

0:25:39.000 --> 0:25:42.680
<v Speaker 2>more money so therefore she could contribute more, especially if

0:25:42.720 --> 0:25:46.080
<v Speaker 2>you're looking at it from like trying to be equitable

0:25:46.560 --> 0:25:49.919
<v Speaker 2>and sharing expenses so that you know she makes so

0:25:50.040 --> 0:25:53.480
<v Speaker 2>much more. But like I think what you're saying, like

0:25:53.520 --> 0:25:56.720
<v Speaker 2>pull back the curtain, like really really share what you're

0:25:56.760 --> 0:25:59.480
<v Speaker 2>spending on. Could there is there some things that could

0:25:59.480 --> 0:26:03.320
<v Speaker 2>be cut back possibly, But the bottom line is is

0:26:03.359 --> 0:26:05.840
<v Speaker 2>that you guys need to be on the same page

0:26:06.000 --> 0:26:09.640
<v Speaker 2>on what you're spending, is what you value, what's really

0:26:09.680 --> 0:26:14.440
<v Speaker 2>important And then you know, I think that'll that'll help

0:26:14.520 --> 0:26:19.760
<v Speaker 2>them be able to make decisions around sharing finances. But

0:26:19.840 --> 0:26:22.720
<v Speaker 2>again that's something that I feel like when you do

0:26:22.880 --> 0:26:26.480
<v Speaker 2>a process like a prenup, postnup, all of those things,

0:26:26.520 --> 0:26:27.880
<v Speaker 2>it helps you flesh those out.

0:26:28.320 --> 0:26:31.840
<v Speaker 1>So m getting clear on your goals as a couple too.

0:26:32.920 --> 0:26:35.840
<v Speaker 1>Are we collectively working toward paying off your debt? That

0:26:35.920 --> 0:26:38.399
<v Speaker 1>helps get the mindset on his part going that this

0:26:38.520 --> 0:26:42.320
<v Speaker 1>is like our goal to reach and are we planning

0:26:42.359 --> 0:26:45.560
<v Speaker 1>to retire at a certain age? Like do we is

0:26:45.600 --> 0:26:47.160
<v Speaker 1>one of our values that we're going to have family

0:26:47.240 --> 0:26:51.760
<v Speaker 1>vacations every year? And what could that cost? And like

0:26:51.800 --> 0:26:55.520
<v Speaker 1>how do we plan toward that? And that is a

0:26:55.560 --> 0:26:58.320
<v Speaker 1>missing piece I think for a lot of relationships. And

0:26:58.359 --> 0:27:01.840
<v Speaker 1>it's certainly some years were good at it me and

0:27:01.840 --> 0:27:03.680
<v Speaker 1>my husband. Some years were not so great at it.

0:27:03.800 --> 0:27:06.640
<v Speaker 1>You know, making a plan talking about like post baby

0:27:06.680 --> 0:27:09.360
<v Speaker 1>years when it's just like survival like I can't.

0:27:09.080 --> 0:27:15.240
<v Speaker 3>Really but oh my goodness, yes.

0:27:15.720 --> 0:27:18.439
<v Speaker 1>But good luck Bronwin and thank you for thank you

0:27:18.480 --> 0:27:23.199
<v Speaker 1>for your question. Congratulations on your your your wedding. I

0:27:23.280 --> 0:27:26.320
<v Speaker 1>really hope the best for y'all. But I like, I

0:27:26.359 --> 0:27:28.520
<v Speaker 1>think the post up the post nup plan. So go

0:27:28.560 --> 0:27:31.119
<v Speaker 1>to prenups dot com too, because Aaron. I don't know

0:27:31.160 --> 0:27:33.440
<v Speaker 1>what state you live in, but I think Aaron's practice

0:27:33.600 --> 0:27:37.080
<v Speaker 1>they practice in like half the states, maybe more most

0:27:37.119 --> 0:27:37.600
<v Speaker 1>of them.

0:27:37.680 --> 0:27:39.920
<v Speaker 3>Yeah, yeah, you can find somebody in your stay through

0:27:39.920 --> 0:27:40.320
<v Speaker 3>his side.

0:27:41.560 --> 0:27:43.359
<v Speaker 1>Al Right, all right, let's take a quick break and

0:27:43.359 --> 0:27:47.520
<v Speaker 1>we'll come right back with a question from listener Lauren. Okay,

0:27:47.600 --> 0:27:50.159
<v Speaker 1>b a fan, We are back with us short but

0:27:50.280 --> 0:27:54.640
<v Speaker 1>sweet and very broad question from listener Lauren, who sent

0:27:54.720 --> 0:27:57.280
<v Speaker 1>us a d m on ig to say, how do

0:27:57.320 --> 0:28:00.119
<v Speaker 1>you talk to your partner about finances when you're not

0:28:00.520 --> 0:28:05.920
<v Speaker 1>married and are there any red flags?

0:28:06.000 --> 0:28:08.000
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, talked about this at the top of the show,

0:28:08.520 --> 0:28:11.520
<v Speaker 2>and I think it depends, like you said, on what

0:28:11.600 --> 0:28:14.719
<v Speaker 2>stage of life Betterer in like how much in detail,

0:28:14.840 --> 0:28:15.399
<v Speaker 2>how bad.

0:28:15.359 --> 0:28:16.960
<v Speaker 3>You get into those conversations.

0:28:17.040 --> 0:28:21.840
<v Speaker 2>And also you know, I talk about money every single day,

0:28:22.359 --> 0:28:26.879
<v Speaker 2>so it's just like your level of comfortability right with it,

0:28:26.960 --> 0:28:31.119
<v Speaker 2>and I don't know, finances comes up for me really

0:28:31.160 --> 0:28:33.880
<v Speaker 2>really early on, Like what was.

0:28:33.840 --> 0:28:36.119
<v Speaker 1>The was there a topic you started with? Was it

0:28:36.200 --> 0:28:38.040
<v Speaker 1>like you want to you want to get like the

0:28:38.080 --> 0:28:40.800
<v Speaker 1>spring rolls or the tacos for appetizer? Also what's your

0:28:40.840 --> 0:28:43.760
<v Speaker 1>credit score? Just wondering it was I like that.

0:28:44.080 --> 0:28:47.280
<v Speaker 3>It was kind of like, hey, I like you a lot,

0:28:47.720 --> 0:28:49.720
<v Speaker 3>you know, I know what you're all about.

0:28:49.960 --> 0:28:51.960
<v Speaker 2>And guess the predoms, you know what I'm saying, Like

0:28:52.000 --> 0:28:56.680
<v Speaker 2>that was like the first sentence, you know, So I

0:28:56.720 --> 0:28:59.640
<v Speaker 2>mean like, yeah, those conversations, it just it just depends.

0:28:59.720 --> 0:29:02.880
<v Speaker 2>But I feel like the earlier the better. I feel

0:29:02.920 --> 0:29:07.840
<v Speaker 2>like what people lean towards more is not having those

0:29:07.840 --> 0:29:11.880
<v Speaker 2>money and money conversations until there's an issue that comes up.

0:29:12.440 --> 0:29:15.720
<v Speaker 2>And I think the most important thing is to try

0:29:15.800 --> 0:29:19.160
<v Speaker 2>to and not saying that you can curb everything, but

0:29:19.280 --> 0:29:24.200
<v Speaker 2>try to get in front of those conversations early and

0:29:24.320 --> 0:29:26.920
<v Speaker 2>kind of like even if it's just like general, like

0:29:26.960 --> 0:29:29.520
<v Speaker 2>what's your perspective about money, Like do you.

0:29:29.480 --> 0:29:30.520
<v Speaker 3>Want to retire early?

0:29:30.640 --> 0:29:32.280
<v Speaker 2>Like how do you value money? Like how do you

0:29:32.320 --> 0:29:34.280
<v Speaker 2>look at it? Like do you think investing is important?

0:29:34.560 --> 0:29:37.760
<v Speaker 2>Do you think that yogo is important and that you

0:29:37.760 --> 0:29:40.080
<v Speaker 2>don't know when you're gonna die, so you know you

0:29:40.160 --> 0:29:42.720
<v Speaker 2>spend this kind of way, or do you just have

0:29:43.240 --> 0:29:45.280
<v Speaker 2>money trauma and you're still trying to heal from that,

0:29:45.560 --> 0:29:48.200
<v Speaker 2>or you know, like it's just just like like get

0:29:48.240 --> 0:29:50.520
<v Speaker 2>your money philosophy out there, even if you don't know

0:29:50.560 --> 0:29:53.520
<v Speaker 2>if it's a money philosophy, but like share stories around

0:29:53.520 --> 0:29:56.760
<v Speaker 2>money or things that have come up for you and

0:29:58.120 --> 0:30:01.440
<v Speaker 2>how it makes you feel on how it's dictated, how

0:30:01.480 --> 0:30:05.400
<v Speaker 2>you like manage life. And one of the greatest ways

0:30:05.440 --> 0:30:07.800
<v Speaker 2>that you can kind of do that is like really look.

0:30:07.680 --> 0:30:11.440
<v Speaker 3>Through your transaction for the last couple of months.

0:30:11.480 --> 0:30:13.840
<v Speaker 2>I fellos bank saments and credit card statements, and it

0:30:13.840 --> 0:30:16.160
<v Speaker 2>will kind of tell you what you're valuing in that moment.

0:30:16.560 --> 0:30:20.640
<v Speaker 1>I love you. I love the electronic version. I just

0:30:20.680 --> 0:30:24.280
<v Speaker 1>can ignore it now. But the whole thing, well, I

0:30:24.360 --> 0:30:26.360
<v Speaker 1>use Rocket Money. Do you have used like an app

0:30:26.400 --> 0:30:28.560
<v Speaker 1>where you can see all your finance, your your stuff

0:30:28.560 --> 0:30:29.160
<v Speaker 1>in one spot.

0:30:29.280 --> 0:30:31.160
<v Speaker 3>I use Monarch. I love Monarch.

0:30:31.680 --> 0:30:34.280
<v Speaker 2>My money is great too, because it'll tell you like

0:30:34.400 --> 0:30:36.440
<v Speaker 2>your subscriptions, like can remind.

0:30:36.240 --> 0:30:37.400
<v Speaker 3>You, hey, you know you can't.

0:30:37.400 --> 0:30:39.959
<v Speaker 1>It's very good. It just isn't so easy to like

0:30:40.000 --> 0:30:42.920
<v Speaker 1>cancel them as they make it seem. But yeah, I'm trying.

0:30:43.280 --> 0:30:46.760
<v Speaker 1>I had yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, oh, we can't

0:30:46.800 --> 0:30:49.600
<v Speaker 1>do that for you here go just letting you know.

0:30:49.680 --> 0:30:51.959
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, but for my husband and I, it was

0:30:52.040 --> 0:30:54.320
<v Speaker 1>it's finally the platform that we're using now to like

0:30:54.800 --> 0:30:57.240
<v Speaker 1>look at all of our stuff in one place. You

0:30:57.240 --> 0:30:58.440
<v Speaker 1>know what, do they have.

0:30:58.440 --> 0:31:02.440
<v Speaker 3>A network track around there? Yeah, all of that stuff,

0:31:03.040 --> 0:31:04.560
<v Speaker 3>which which I really really like.

0:31:05.560 --> 0:31:07.800
<v Speaker 1>It's a really nice dashboard and you can add your

0:31:07.840 --> 0:31:11.240
<v Speaker 1>partner as like a joint user, and so it adds

0:31:11.280 --> 0:31:15.800
<v Speaker 1>that level of transparency. But our problem is the time

0:31:16.000 --> 0:31:19.560
<v Speaker 1>to like block out two hours to actually go through

0:31:19.600 --> 0:31:22.120
<v Speaker 1>it and really do like I want to do a

0:31:22.200 --> 0:31:24.920
<v Speaker 1>values lineup assessment. I want to I want to like

0:31:25.240 --> 0:31:29.320
<v Speaker 1>talk through our values first, especially like around value specifically

0:31:29.360 --> 0:31:31.680
<v Speaker 1>that relate to like finances, Like what types of things

0:31:31.680 --> 0:31:33.440
<v Speaker 1>are we willing to spend more on? What do we

0:31:33.520 --> 0:31:36.479
<v Speaker 1>not value so much? And then do like an audit

0:31:36.560 --> 0:31:40.120
<v Speaker 1>of our finances and kind of like assess what things

0:31:40.160 --> 0:31:42.840
<v Speaker 1>can be cut because they're not in alignment with our values,

0:31:42.880 --> 0:31:45.720
<v Speaker 1>and kind of like look at how we've been spending

0:31:46.240 --> 0:31:48.360
<v Speaker 1>I don't know the past like year or two and

0:31:49.280 --> 0:31:51.480
<v Speaker 1>see how we are in or out of alignment with

0:31:51.480 --> 0:31:55.200
<v Speaker 1>those values because our I know, one of our our

0:31:55.280 --> 0:31:59.680
<v Speaker 1>values is being able to retire like earlier than the

0:31:59.680 --> 0:32:04.239
<v Speaker 1>government would have us think is normal. I know our

0:32:04.360 --> 0:32:06.760
<v Speaker 1>value is that we want to be able to like

0:32:06.840 --> 0:32:09.480
<v Speaker 1>purchase homes for our kids and or help them with

0:32:09.520 --> 0:32:12.200
<v Speaker 1>their first down payment. And my husband has a value

0:32:12.200 --> 0:32:14.840
<v Speaker 1>of wanting to hand down a really nice watch to

0:32:14.960 --> 0:32:17.440
<v Speaker 1>his boys, something that I kind of rolled my eyes out,

0:32:17.520 --> 0:32:21.200
<v Speaker 1>but it means a lot to him. Yeah, He's like,

0:32:21.200 --> 0:32:23.400
<v Speaker 1>I want to give them a Rolex, and I'm like, akay.

0:32:24.320 --> 0:32:27.200
<v Speaker 1>But if that's a value, then let's be striving towards that.

0:32:28.720 --> 0:32:30.200
<v Speaker 1>I think what we're going to find is a lot

0:32:30.200 --> 0:32:32.560
<v Speaker 1>of door dash and uber eats and have to be like,

0:32:32.920 --> 0:32:36.479
<v Speaker 1>was our value? Well, see what we could like our

0:32:36.560 --> 0:32:39.680
<v Speaker 1>value is convenience and spending time as a family and

0:32:39.760 --> 0:32:43.400
<v Speaker 1>me not having to cook. That's a value, but it's

0:32:43.480 --> 0:32:45.480
<v Speaker 1>that it's setting. I would say one of my pieces

0:32:45.480 --> 0:32:48.320
<v Speaker 1>of advice for you, Lauren, is just too as much

0:32:48.320 --> 0:32:52.840
<v Speaker 1>as you can make it a habit, like and I've

0:32:52.920 --> 0:32:55.440
<v Speaker 1>given this advice and I'm not great at enforcing it,

0:32:55.480 --> 0:32:59.200
<v Speaker 1>which is like have that money, you know, scheduled conversation,

0:32:59.400 --> 0:33:01.640
<v Speaker 1>whether it's like once a week, once a month, whatever,

0:33:03.000 --> 0:33:07.160
<v Speaker 1>once a quarter, but having that dedicated time and if

0:33:07.240 --> 0:33:11.000
<v Speaker 1>when all else fails. I really love getting a financial

0:33:11.000 --> 0:33:13.560
<v Speaker 1>planner in the mix because especially if you do like

0:33:13.600 --> 0:33:15.720
<v Speaker 1>a fee based or fee only planner for a few

0:33:15.800 --> 0:33:18.800
<v Speaker 1>hundred dollars like which maybe that sounds like a lot,

0:33:18.840 --> 0:33:22.480
<v Speaker 1>but consider like a couple's counselor in a way, because

0:33:22.520 --> 0:33:25.720
<v Speaker 1>they can be like an objective third party to ask

0:33:25.760 --> 0:33:28.600
<v Speaker 1>some of the questions that maybe if it came from you,

0:33:28.640 --> 0:33:30.680
<v Speaker 1>they might get defensive or you don't even know which

0:33:30.760 --> 0:33:34.160
<v Speaker 1>questions to ask, and a financial planner can and you

0:33:34.200 --> 0:33:36.040
<v Speaker 1>can just make it simple. It's not like we are

0:33:36.360 --> 0:33:39.920
<v Speaker 1>coming here to merge our finances. It's like we're gonna

0:33:39.960 --> 0:33:43.440
<v Speaker 1>do with the financial planner just to do like a

0:33:43.480 --> 0:33:47.719
<v Speaker 1>household budget assessment and get everything in one place and

0:33:47.760 --> 0:33:50.160
<v Speaker 1>track our goals and all of that. And I promise

0:33:50.280 --> 0:33:53.960
<v Speaker 1>like through that conversation with that planner, you'll be able

0:33:54.000 --> 0:33:59.480
<v Speaker 1>to get a lot of clarity around your partners, like

0:33:59.760 --> 0:34:03.280
<v Speaker 1>the EIMA was saying, like mindset around money, how they

0:34:03.280 --> 0:34:07.040
<v Speaker 1>feel about money. You can start looking for red flags,

0:34:07.320 --> 0:34:10.640
<v Speaker 1>like I think you know Obviously, someone who shuts down

0:34:10.680 --> 0:34:13.280
<v Speaker 1>it doesn't want to do it. That's a big red flag.

0:34:13.520 --> 0:34:15.040
<v Speaker 3>That's the one that's a big one.

0:34:15.239 --> 0:34:17.920
<v Speaker 2>But I think like Lauren's question is more like, should

0:34:17.960 --> 0:34:21.279
<v Speaker 2>you even be talking about finances with someone that you're

0:34:21.320 --> 0:34:25.160
<v Speaker 2>not married with? I'm married too, And I think the

0:34:25.200 --> 0:34:29.360
<v Speaker 2>overall answer is yes, But I'm going to say it

0:34:29.400 --> 0:34:34.319
<v Speaker 2>depends because if you're not dating seriously, like it's a

0:34:34.320 --> 0:34:37.440
<v Speaker 2>lot of people else out here just just like you know,

0:34:38.840 --> 0:34:42.319
<v Speaker 2>you know, just dating for the thrills, you know, But

0:34:42.360 --> 0:34:45.879
<v Speaker 2>if you want to go to that person, if you're

0:34:45.960 --> 0:34:48.520
<v Speaker 2>if you're dating seriously and you want to go to

0:34:48.560 --> 0:34:50.839
<v Speaker 2>the next level with that person, you want to make

0:34:50.880 --> 0:34:54.239
<v Speaker 2>it more than just dating, and you might be on

0:34:54.280 --> 0:34:57.719
<v Speaker 2>that wedding directory or life partner trajectory. And like in

0:34:57.800 --> 0:34:59.839
<v Speaker 2>Ellie's case, like she doesn't feel like she's gonna be married,

0:34:59.840 --> 0:35:01.760
<v Speaker 2>but you've been with this man for twelve years.

0:35:01.920 --> 0:35:06.120
<v Speaker 3>I mean they share a lot inherently, right, So if

0:35:06.160 --> 0:35:06.560
<v Speaker 3>that's the.

0:35:06.880 --> 0:35:09.160
<v Speaker 2>Path that you're going on, the sooner the better to

0:35:09.200 --> 0:35:12.040
<v Speaker 2>have these money conversations and I love you, and the

0:35:12.080 --> 0:35:14.200
<v Speaker 2>suggestion of meeting with the financial planner. It kind of

0:35:14.200 --> 0:35:17.839
<v Speaker 2>goes along the same thing of like the whole you know,

0:35:18.000 --> 0:35:21.399
<v Speaker 2>setting up like prenums and like just getting prepared for that,

0:35:21.480 --> 0:35:24.040
<v Speaker 2>because a lot of that is just like bringing to

0:35:24.080 --> 0:35:28.640
<v Speaker 2>the table your gets your assets, all those things. And

0:35:28.680 --> 0:35:33.160
<v Speaker 2>then also it brings to the forefront what your money personality.

0:35:32.680 --> 0:35:35.160
<v Speaker 1>Is, you know, So I love Yeah, I like you

0:35:35.160 --> 0:35:37.520
<v Speaker 1>can keep it light and cute early data. Maybe it's

0:35:37.520 --> 0:35:40.399
<v Speaker 1>about I mean cause if you're like, let's say you're

0:35:40.760 --> 0:35:43.400
<v Speaker 1>you're like bron one before, where one person earning is

0:35:43.440 --> 0:35:45.600
<v Speaker 1>earning like three times as much as the other one,

0:35:45.719 --> 0:35:48.239
<v Speaker 1>and the other one wants to go on dates and

0:35:48.960 --> 0:35:51.920
<v Speaker 1>it's like any but you guys are only just dating.

0:35:52.040 --> 0:35:54.200
<v Speaker 1>So it's like maybe you're going to go split seas

0:35:54.360 --> 0:35:56.440
<v Speaker 1>or you know, you get one, I get one kind

0:35:56.480 --> 0:35:59.480
<v Speaker 1>of thing. Yeah, then there should be a conversation, a

0:35:59.520 --> 0:36:02.960
<v Speaker 1>candid one about hey, I'm not able to afford this

0:36:03.120 --> 0:36:06.440
<v Speaker 1>type of date, so let's set a budget or are

0:36:06.480 --> 0:36:09.840
<v Speaker 1>you comfortable? You know, like, are you okay if I

0:36:09.960 --> 0:36:12.160
<v Speaker 1>take you to I don't know, why is chick fil

0:36:12.160 --> 0:36:14.319
<v Speaker 1>A the only thing come to my mind? Chick fil

0:36:14.360 --> 0:36:16.680
<v Speaker 1>A and take a walk in the park, versus like

0:36:16.719 --> 0:36:21.719
<v Speaker 1>going to a Michelin rated restaurant. Right, and that I

0:36:21.760 --> 0:36:24.359
<v Speaker 1>think is maybe not a comfortable conversation to have. But

0:36:24.440 --> 0:36:27.239
<v Speaker 1>if they make you feel safe and not judged, and

0:36:27.280 --> 0:36:30.319
<v Speaker 1>if they make you feel if they're completely understanding and

0:36:30.400 --> 0:36:32.480
<v Speaker 1>immediately or like yes, that's a green flag. And if

0:36:32.480 --> 0:36:35.399
<v Speaker 1>it's anything but that, I would say that's a that's

0:36:35.440 --> 0:36:37.120
<v Speaker 1>a red flag to look out for it.

0:36:37.200 --> 0:36:40.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And like in the instance of like the person

0:36:40.320 --> 0:36:43.640
<v Speaker 2>that's making like forty thousand dollars a year and wanting

0:36:43.760 --> 0:36:47.000
<v Speaker 2>to be that person that takes that person out, I

0:36:47.040 --> 0:36:52.080
<v Speaker 2>can understand like how that conversation can be uncomfortable because

0:36:52.120 --> 0:36:53.799
<v Speaker 2>you want to be those things you want to be

0:36:53.840 --> 0:36:58.160
<v Speaker 2>able to provide. And I have seen where those situations

0:36:59.000 --> 0:37:01.480
<v Speaker 2>turn to like a Negati thing where it could where

0:37:01.520 --> 0:37:04.360
<v Speaker 2>it could easily be just like let's have a conversation

0:37:04.560 --> 0:37:06.080
<v Speaker 2>like I don't want to go out to all these

0:37:06.120 --> 0:37:08.480
<v Speaker 2>places that you think that I might want to go

0:37:08.560 --> 0:37:11.279
<v Speaker 2>to just because you think I'm used to a certain

0:37:11.360 --> 0:37:12.240
<v Speaker 2>level of luxury.

0:37:12.560 --> 0:37:14.840
<v Speaker 3>The more important thing is I want to spend quality

0:37:14.960 --> 0:37:15.600
<v Speaker 3>time with you.

0:37:15.880 --> 0:37:17.920
<v Speaker 2>And if that means that we order pizza and we

0:37:18.000 --> 0:37:23.080
<v Speaker 2>watch Netflix, that's way more important to me then you

0:37:23.200 --> 0:37:25.160
<v Speaker 2>trying to impress me and take me to this fancy

0:37:25.200 --> 0:37:27.200
<v Speaker 2>restaurant because you know, I've been there and that's what

0:37:27.239 --> 0:37:30.000
<v Speaker 2>I want to do. And I think that instead of

0:37:30.040 --> 0:37:33.160
<v Speaker 2>shying away from those conversations, you're like, hey, like I

0:37:33.280 --> 0:37:35.719
<v Speaker 2>really want to do these really nice things for you.

0:37:36.000 --> 0:37:38.320
<v Speaker 2>But it's given me a little bit of anxiety because

0:37:38.360 --> 0:37:41.880
<v Speaker 2>I can't do those things at that level right now,

0:37:42.480 --> 0:37:44.640
<v Speaker 2>you know, And then what is a way that we

0:37:44.719 --> 0:37:46.520
<v Speaker 2>can work around it? But I think people are so

0:37:46.680 --> 0:37:49.799
<v Speaker 2>scared of having those conversations that they'll just give up

0:37:49.800 --> 0:37:50.640
<v Speaker 2>on the relationship.

0:37:50.640 --> 0:37:54.600
<v Speaker 1>And I've seen that, Well, if it really matters to you,

0:37:55.160 --> 0:37:57.680
<v Speaker 1>don't give up. And I mean I don't mean to

0:37:57.719 --> 0:38:00.839
<v Speaker 1>say if they're uncomfortable, like it's a right shut it down,

0:38:00.920 --> 0:38:03.840
<v Speaker 1>because I think depends on ages. Like my husband and

0:38:03.920 --> 0:38:05.560
<v Speaker 1>I got in a fight when we first started we

0:38:05.600 --> 0:38:07.720
<v Speaker 1>moved in together, and I was like, for some reason,

0:38:07.760 --> 0:38:09.920
<v Speaker 1>I'm such a hermione. I was like way over the top.

0:38:10.360 --> 0:38:13.719
<v Speaker 1>I was financial, you know, financial expert, Yahoo finance, blah

0:38:13.760 --> 0:38:16.040
<v Speaker 1>blah blah, like come on, tell me your credit score.

0:38:16.080 --> 0:38:18.359
<v Speaker 1>And he was like, well, no, I won't. And I

0:38:18.400 --> 0:38:20.839
<v Speaker 1>was like, well, yes you will. I need to credit score.

0:38:20.880 --> 0:38:23.640
<v Speaker 1>And it became like this whole thing, this big like

0:38:23.760 --> 0:38:27.360
<v Speaker 1>power struggle if like tell me what your credit score,

0:38:27.400 --> 0:38:29.680
<v Speaker 1>and I should have just like calmed down, given him

0:38:29.719 --> 0:38:33.640
<v Speaker 1>some space to get comfortable with the idea, and like

0:38:34.080 --> 0:38:37.040
<v Speaker 1>eventually it was fine. But like leaving a little bit

0:38:37.080 --> 0:38:39.920
<v Speaker 1>of like space for the human element, especially if they

0:38:39.920 --> 0:38:45.680
<v Speaker 1>have anxiety or just like internalized patriarchy can be a

0:38:45.680 --> 0:38:48.040
<v Speaker 1>part of that too. They need to learn a little

0:38:48.040 --> 0:38:51.799
<v Speaker 1>bit of that much he's most sometimes and if they're

0:38:51.800 --> 0:38:53.600
<v Speaker 1>worth there, you can give him a little bit of space,

0:38:53.840 --> 0:38:59.520
<v Speaker 1>little bit, all right, be a fanble not sema. Thank

0:38:59.560 --> 0:39:04.319
<v Speaker 1>you so much for joining me twice this week, ba fam,

0:39:04.360 --> 0:39:08.720
<v Speaker 1>go check out in Nasima's incredible work and Wednesday's episode,

0:39:08.760 --> 0:39:11.120
<v Speaker 1>of course, we learn a lot about her experience as

0:39:11.160 --> 0:39:18.520
<v Speaker 1>a labor and delivery nurse and repping for Oakland And

0:39:18.600 --> 0:39:20.520
<v Speaker 1>thanks for joining us, all right, check her out at

0:39:20.560 --> 0:39:22.800
<v Speaker 1>Financially Intentional and what's the name of your podcast?

0:39:22.920 --> 0:39:25.000
<v Speaker 3>Is it also financially intentional podcast?

0:39:25.120 --> 0:39:30.200
<v Speaker 1>Financially Intentional podcast? All right, va Fam? Until next time, Bye,

0:39:30.239 --> 0:39:30.640
<v Speaker 1>take care,