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Speaker 1: Hey va fam, welcome to the b a QA on

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Speaker 1: this I don't know, delightful day. How are we feeling?

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Speaker 1: I kind of went for like a grunge kind of

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Speaker 1: like vibe. I got my my jilted American missus president

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Speaker 1: shirt on. Yes she can, yes she didn't. But it's

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Speaker 1: like Valentine's Day or whatever. So like, hi, yay, love.

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Speaker 2: Ya black clove, YadA.

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Speaker 1: Black clove.

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Speaker 2: Yes.

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Speaker 1: I mean, if you're Jalen Hurts and his wifey, like,

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Speaker 1: I hope that there's rose petals and like bubble baths

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Speaker 1: involved for you. I am joined by the beautiful, the wise,

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Speaker 1: the glowing Nassima mceilroy, aka the founder of Financially Intentional.

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Speaker 1: If y'all have not yet listened to this week's episode

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Speaker 1: on Wednesday, the Brown Table, that episode is dropped. You

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Speaker 1: can watch it on YouTube. Go watch it and then

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Speaker 1: come back because Nasima is amazing and you offered such

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Speaker 1: a great perspective. Why are you laughing at that? You

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Speaker 1: are amazing?

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Speaker 3: I love it.

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Speaker 1: I'm not so much fun.

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Speaker 3: I'm just reminiscing.

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Speaker 1: Oh good, That's all I want at the end of

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Speaker 1: the day. I just want you to have fun. Okay.

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Speaker 1: So Nasima. We are here to answer some questions from

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Speaker 1: the BA fam. I want to know about. I shared

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Speaker 1: a little bit about like my vibe around the holidays,

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Speaker 1: like how are you feeling about v Day? And relationships

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Speaker 1: in general, because we're here to talk about money and relationships.

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Speaker 2: Oh, money and relationships has always been like this weird

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Speaker 2: kind of thing for me, I am technically technically you know,

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Speaker 2: single right now, very much dating heavy.

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Speaker 1: Whoa you are? Okay? I love that for you.

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Speaker 2: That went Time's day. For me, I'm actually looking forward,

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Speaker 2: so it's going to happen. I'm in their good spirits

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Speaker 2: right now. But yeah, with my current relationship, I think money.

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Speaker 2: The dynamic between like money talking about money is totally

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Speaker 2: different than I've ever experienced because it's somebody that's kind

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Speaker 2: of in the same similar space than us, and so

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Speaker 2: we share a similar viewpoint. This person probably maybe.

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Speaker 1: Whisper the name all editing Nah tell me damn because Chris,

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Speaker 1: you know pop on finance. Chris. I loved the he

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Speaker 1: was single for like point five seconds, but and I

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Speaker 1: told him he would. I was like, the girls are

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Speaker 1: going to be all over this strapping young man. But anyway,

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Speaker 1: I just just I love.

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Speaker 3: I just love the romance. Yes it's the romances, Yes,

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Speaker 3: very nice romance.

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Speaker 2: And so before and I mentioned this in our episode,

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Speaker 2: you know, I've been in a position where one of

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Speaker 2: it is one of those things that brings a little

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Speaker 2: bit of contention because I've always made a lot of money,

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Speaker 2: typically more money than the person that I've been with,

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Speaker 2: and it's always been like a topic topic of discussion,

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Speaker 2: like oh, yeah, I know you're in this position and

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Speaker 2: I would never and what kind of man would? Until

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Speaker 2: things change, right, and this time it's more of a balance,

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Speaker 2: and so money conversations look a lot different under this context,

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Speaker 2: and it's actually really exciting.

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Speaker 3: It's like the first.

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Speaker 2: Time I felt comfortable kind of pulling out the veil

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Speaker 2: and like sharing in detail, like getting financially naked and

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Speaker 2: sharing details and then being able to have like really

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Speaker 2: constructive conversations around money, and it's really certisfying.

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Speaker 3: So I love it.

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Speaker 1: I I just I know how how special that is,

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Speaker 1: especially after not having that. I can't even tell you.

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy. And yes, I hope he buys you

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Speaker 1: flowers and opens doors and all that, but like sitting

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Speaker 1: down to have a financial conversation with like an equal who,

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Speaker 1: there's no eggshells, there's no ego to tiptoe around.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, it's that part.

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Speaker 1: I could almost like get emotional about that. I'm really

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Speaker 1: really happy for you. You deserve that. We all do.

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Speaker 3: Thank you, thank you. I think so. I think so

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Speaker 3: is just really refreshing that Yeah.

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Speaker 1: How long? Well, how long have you all been dating?

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Speaker 1: If you don't mind me asking, it's a couple of months.

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Speaker 1: Oh just okay. I love that you're already having this discussion.

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Speaker 1: But now we're no spring chickens. Like, this is not

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Speaker 1: dating at twenty two, you're forty two.

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Speaker 3: This is dating at forty two. This is dating with

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Speaker 3: kids involved, this is dating with it.

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Speaker 2: You have to be intentional about that business exactly. It's

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Speaker 2: it's a whole bunch of things that if you don't

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Speaker 2: start having those conversations early, is like, then.

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Speaker 3: What are we really doing?

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Speaker 2: Then we're just being friends because it's a different situation definitely.

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Speaker 1: And if you're worth it to them, they'll or if

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Speaker 1: it's meant to be, Like it's almost like creating a

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Speaker 1: boundary by saying I'm ready to have these discussions, and

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Speaker 1: it's like a pre screen. Are you ready?

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Speaker 4: Yep?

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Speaker 1: Because if yes, Pasco, if no go back exactly. Yeah.

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Speaker 1: Do you have any advice for other women who are

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Speaker 1: thinking about getting back out there, who are just getting

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Speaker 1: back out there, who are like established in their lives,

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Speaker 1: especially after the convo we had Wednesday, y'all have to

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Speaker 1: go listen to it about prenups and audit. Yeah, how

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Speaker 1: do you think you'll have you'll approach this relationship differently,

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Speaker 1: you know, from a money and business perspective, protecting yourself.

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Speaker 3: Oh, it's totally. Like even after we had the conversation.

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Speaker 2: On Wednesday, it was kind of something that I could

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Speaker 2: touch back on and like, okay, like this is why

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Speaker 2: prenups are important.

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Speaker 1: This is.

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Speaker 2: You know, I think this is something that we should

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Speaker 2: discuss early on, and we like from our first conversation,

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Speaker 2: like literally our first like serious conversation.

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Speaker 3: It was even brought up and it was just a check.

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Speaker 2: It was just a recheck in like this is really

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Speaker 2: important to me, this is why, And then the sentiments

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Speaker 2: were echoed because it's the.

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Speaker 3: Same thing, like we both have a lot to lose and.

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Speaker 2: We both have a lot to gain, and I think

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Speaker 2: that that's what drives us, Like it's not about the

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Speaker 2: prospect of you know, not being together. It's really about

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Speaker 2: how we're going to manage our finances and how are

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Speaker 2: we going to continue to have those discussions going forward?

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Speaker 3: Mm hmm do you a check?

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Speaker 1: Ind Yeah, that's that's great. Do you think that because

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Speaker 1: you you shared on the show that you've had to

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Speaker 1: have one marriage and then one you said it was

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Speaker 1: a civil union, it was.

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Speaker 2: A domestic partnership that I still had to get good

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Speaker 2: first from.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, which, yeah, that blew my mind. I'm like that

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Speaker 1: was helpful to know. Yeah, anyone for anyone in that situation. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: so talk to me. I mean, it is does it

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Speaker 1: even matter like putting a label on it? Marriage? Is

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Speaker 1: that something that you want to pursue again, knowing what

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Speaker 1: you know now?

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Speaker 2: Was always something that after especially after going through marriage.

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Speaker 2: And I can say that definitely my first marriage, I

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Speaker 2: didn't really think about it really did. I wasn't very

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Speaker 2: intentional about it, and I probably got married for the

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Speaker 2: wrong reasons and not understanding marriage. And I think like

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Speaker 2: Aaron made a great point of understanding what marriage is

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Speaker 2: really about and people came from it from that perspective. Yes,

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Speaker 2: but I didn't.

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Speaker 1: I just feel like you have to be in a marriage.

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Speaker 1: I almost think you need to go through a marriage

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Speaker 1: to know what marriage is. That it's very unfair to

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Speaker 1: sort of like hold everyone to the standard of like

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Speaker 1: go get married and you can, you'll never get divorced,

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Speaker 1: and if you get divorced, you failed. I almost feel

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Speaker 1: like that is it's so different when you're in it,

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Speaker 1: and I'm eight years in and I'm just now like

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Speaker 1: really learning how a long marriage, you know, like decades

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Speaker 1: of marriage like that, what that needs, And like I

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Speaker 1: could know. I could have told you intellectually, I could

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Speaker 1: have told you what I heard, what advice I had gotten,

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Speaker 1: what books I had read, But like living it, I

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Speaker 1: just I think that lived experience is so necessary.

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Speaker 4: It is.

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Speaker 3: And my whole thing was.

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Speaker 2: I was after that dissolution of my first marriage, like

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Speaker 2: even going into having a domestic partnership. I was the

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Speaker 2: reason why we had a domestic partnership and did not

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Speaker 2: get married was because I was animate that I did

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Speaker 2: not want to get married. But then then I didn't

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Speaker 2: understand like the legal implications of a domestic partnership when

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Speaker 2: you have kids and you have property together. But I

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Speaker 2: was just like I was so animated about like not

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Speaker 2: getting married again, and how horrible it was is to

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Speaker 2: go through that divorce process, and like being like people

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Speaker 2: should have to go through a divorced process first before

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Speaker 2: they get married so they can understand who that person is.

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Speaker 2: But now, like, it's different when you have great communication,

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Speaker 2: you have you know, those you're able to have those

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Speaker 2: open conversations and again you're able to get financially naked

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Speaker 2: and not feel vulnerable and not feel taken advantage of

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Speaker 2: and not having a tiptoe around emotions in which is

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Speaker 2: what you often have to do in insecurities and all

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Speaker 2: those kind of things. So I can honestly say, like

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Speaker 2: it's the first time in my life that I've really

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Speaker 2: been seriously considering even getting married again.

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Speaker 1: Okay, yeah, are your little girls? What's it like raising

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Speaker 1: three little girls?

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Speaker 3: That?

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Speaker 1: I mean, I guess two of your girls are probably

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Speaker 1: engaging with content and the internet media. Yeah. I remember

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Speaker 1: being four years old and fully understanding marriage and knowing

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Speaker 1: I wanted to be a bride because of course, I mean,

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Speaker 1: that was the outcome that like every movie that I

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Speaker 1: loved was all about so and it's just so funny different.

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Speaker 2: It's different with these kids, Like they are exposed to

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Speaker 2: a lot and I think a little bit too much.

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Speaker 2: So I'm having like really different conversations my oldest daughter.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, I don't know, trying to be a lesbian. I

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Speaker 3: don't know. That's a whole other conversation for another day.

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Speaker 4: But but you know, but being they see like a

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Speaker 4: spectrum of relationships, and they've seen me be married, they

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Speaker 4: see me not be married, and.

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Speaker 2: They understand peace and happiness, and so they lean towards

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Speaker 2: whatever brings you peace and happiness. And I don't think

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Speaker 2: they've seen they've seen me be more peaceful independently than

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Speaker 2: in a relationship, and so I think they're saying that

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Speaker 2: whatever brings me piece is what I want to do,

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Speaker 2: and they're understanding that, which to me is empowering because

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Speaker 2: they don't tie their happiness to another person.

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Speaker 1: I learned so much about relationships by watching my mother.

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Speaker 1: Of course, I remember the happiest I ever saw her

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Speaker 1: was the years after she divorced my dad and she

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Speaker 1: was single and dating, and like, yeah, I mean, and

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Speaker 1: that's something that comes up for me, is like when

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Speaker 1: I think about those like kind of magic golden years

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Speaker 1: being a kid, I'm like, oh, when my mom was

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Speaker 1: going on these dates and she was getting all dolled up,

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Speaker 1: and I'd watch her, you know, blow dry her hair

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Speaker 1: and like the perfume and stuff, and she had friends

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Speaker 1: and she was having fun. And that really sticks with

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Speaker 1: me as a mom because I just feel like it's

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Speaker 1: so important for them to see us like thrive and

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Speaker 1: have a life and have joy and have these relationships, friendships,

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Speaker 1: you know, lovers like all that. It's because it's their

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Speaker 1: example too of what they can get. All right, be

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Speaker 1: a fan. Well, I want to jump into y'all's questions

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Speaker 1: because as today is Valentine's Day, take that for what

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Speaker 1: it's worth. I've been saving some questions from ba fam

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Speaker 1: about relationships and money, and so I thought, since I

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Speaker 1: haven't seen me here, who better to help me answer

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Speaker 1: these questions with y'all. So I love how this question

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Speaker 1: is like a novel, and then the other question is

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Speaker 1: literally like six words.

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Speaker 2: Right, Okay, oh my gosh, Okay, Well let's take let's

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Speaker 2: go with the big one first.

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Speaker 1: Let'll get this out of the way. Not that your

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Speaker 1: question is not important to me, Bronwin, this is your

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Speaker 1: anonymous pseudonym. Alrighty, So this question comes from listener Bronwin,

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Speaker 1: who is a newly Wedged says, my husband and I

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Speaker 1: recently got married and we're discussing plans to merge our finances. Okay,

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Speaker 1: doing that after the marriage, all right? For context, I

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Speaker 1: make about one hundred and fifty K. My husband makes

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Speaker 1: forty K. I have ninety nine K and student loans

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Speaker 1: with ambitious plans to pay them off in five years.

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Speaker 1: I moved into the house that he owned three years ago,

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Speaker 1: and since then we've maintained separate finances. I currently contribute

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Speaker 1: almost half the mortgage, and I primarily cover the costs

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Speaker 1: of groceries. All other household expenses are on him, but

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Speaker 1: we split major purchases and dining out. So if and

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Speaker 1: when we merge finances, we plan to split household finances proportionally,

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Speaker 1: meaning that I would cover more of our household costs

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Speaker 1: because I earn more. However, all caps my husband primarily

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Speaker 1: uses a credit card for his day to day expenses,

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Speaker 1: and his parents his parents. Wait, I didn't read this

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Speaker 1: question before. All the way through, his parents make the

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Speaker 1: monthly payment. Okay, I mean not shocking because he's making

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Speaker 1: forty K. Like how a right? Sorry, back to front one.

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Speaker 1: Although I also benefit from the generosity of this magic

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Speaker 1: credit card. I don't know how to share finances without

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Speaker 1: feeling resentment because I will have less disposable income to

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Speaker 1: cover my debt and regular life expenses. Being a black

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Speaker 1: woman ain't cheap. But he will benefit from my taking

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Speaker 1: on more of the household cost and he will have

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Speaker 1: a bottomless pot of money to swipe from while I

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Speaker 1: have a very strict budget that I follow. Should we

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Speaker 1: share finances and if so, how should we split things

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Speaker 1: to account for my high income but high debt and

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Speaker 1: his bottomless gift? Do his parents know what's bottomless?

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Speaker 2: That's very that's a very interesting situation, Like why I

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Speaker 2: guess I have more questions than.

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Speaker 1: Answers. Let's talk it through. What are some of the

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Speaker 1: questions coming up?

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Speaker 2: First of all, like why is he only making forty

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Speaker 2: thousand dollars?

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Speaker 1: What does he do? Substitute teacher?

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Speaker 3: What makes Yeah?

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Speaker 2: I don't know. I blow my mind that somebody can

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Speaker 2: survive off of forty thousand dollars.

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Speaker 3: But maybe if you.

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Speaker 1: Maybe they live in Mississippi.

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Speaker 2: Maybe if you have this like endless access to money,

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Speaker 2: like from your parents, you don't have the ambition to

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Speaker 2: make more.

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Speaker 3: I don't know.

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Speaker 2: So that's kind of where my mind goes and then

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Speaker 2: I'm like, Okay, like she really wants an answer to this,

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Speaker 2: and I think that it's fair for her to feel

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Speaker 2: this kind of way.

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Speaker 3: It's not his. Well, I'm sure they can work through that,

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Speaker 3: but I'm just like, I think what's.

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Speaker 2: Gonna end up happening is is that they really need

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Speaker 2: to sit down and talk about like what their real

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Speaker 2: expenses are and then make that equitable, because like credit

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Speaker 2: card spending is going to be purchases, it's going to

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Speaker 2: be you know, it's not going to be necessarily your

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Speaker 2: utility bills, or it could be I don't know, So

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Speaker 2: what are your real expenses and then how do you

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Speaker 2: think it would be equitable to split those?

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Speaker 1: But it's just the can you put your student loan

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Speaker 1: debts on his credit card? Can you put that? Could

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Speaker 1: make it a little equitable? Exactly?

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Speaker 3: Probably not, But I understand.

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Speaker 2: I understand the feeling of like somebody has this these resources,

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Speaker 2: is access to resources that you don't have, and also

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Speaker 2: like a little bit of resentment because you probably had

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Speaker 2: to work really hard to get to where you're at

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Speaker 2: to make one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. But like,

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Speaker 2: I just feel like in lieu of the conversation that

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Speaker 2: we had on Wednesday.

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Speaker 3: I just feel like, how are you already married and

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Speaker 3: these things haven't been fleshed out?

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Speaker 1: That's my first thought too. Yeah, and it's not like

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Speaker 1: they've gotten married, like and they've only been dating, you know,

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Speaker 1: like she lived with him for three years, still didn't

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Speaker 1: work this out. I don't know why things necessarily need

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Speaker 1: to change after marriage. That was interesting to me. How

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Speaker 1: because they've been married now they're gonna like reproportion the expenses.

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Speaker 1: You know, she's gone from paying fifty to fifty for

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Speaker 1: his mortgage. That almost makes it seem like it was

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Speaker 1: in his best interest to marry her because then he

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Speaker 1: would get more help with his mortgage, which sounds sick,

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Speaker 1: but that is kind of like how marriages worked back

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Speaker 1: in the olden days. You know. Sometimes you'd have the

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Speaker 1: man would have the title or whatever, or the parents

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Speaker 1: credit card, and the woman with a dowry would help

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Speaker 1: pay off debts or whatnot. But that just that it's

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Speaker 1: like a bit of a red flag for me, just

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Speaker 1: why are we changing this up if it's been working

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Speaker 1: for so long?

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Speaker 3: Exactly?

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Speaker 2: And the thing is, okay, what kind of mortgage are

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Speaker 2: you having on a forty thousand dollars income, unless unless

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Speaker 2: it's like a house that his parents bought for him.

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Speaker 2: And it's just like so many questions. Yeah, and I'm hi, Yeah,

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Speaker 2: is she's still winning because it for her to move

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Speaker 2: into this house, it has to be like a financial

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Speaker 2: reason in there somewhere, right, and so like how much

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Speaker 2: is this mortgage? And it's just like it Just like

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Speaker 2: I said, it brings up more questions than I have

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Speaker 2: answers to because I just I.

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Speaker 3: Need to understand this situation a little bit better.

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Speaker 1: Maybe those will make you feel more comfortable. I didn't

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Speaker 1: do my salt shaker spiel. Y'all. This is our get

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Speaker 1: your salt shakers out. This is the baq wa, this

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Speaker 1: is infotainment. Okay, we are educated, we are smart, we

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Speaker 1: know our ship, but we don't know all of your

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Speaker 1: We're not your lawyer, we're not your financial plan and

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Speaker 1: not your financial advisor. Don't sue us. So your grandma,

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Speaker 1: as Tip would always say, so, Nazima, Now do you

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Speaker 1: feel safe. Let's let's hypotheticalize this.

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Speaker 3: We will hypotheticalize it.

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Speaker 1: She wants to know should we share finances? How should

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Speaker 1: we split things up? To account for my high income

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Speaker 1: but high debt and his bottomless gift. Listen, like in

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Speaker 1: a marriage, my debt became and and vice versa. That's

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Speaker 1: our debt. This is our goal. I don't see why

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Speaker 1: if if I would propose to him, even like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I know we've talked about increasing the proportion of my

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Speaker 1: mortgage the mortgage payment, my mortgage payment share because I

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Speaker 1: earn more now that we're married. But what if I

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Speaker 1: you know, what if we calculated that, but I keep

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Speaker 1: paying you half and I take the extra and I

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Speaker 1: just put that toward my student loans because ultimately that's

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Speaker 1: going to be better for our for us as a couple,

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Speaker 1: because this is our debt now, and I wonder how

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Speaker 1: he might take that. I also feel like he may

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Speaker 1: not have any student loan debt because maybe his parents

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Speaker 1: bankrolled that. No shade to nepple babies like no shade,

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Speaker 1: like I hope to raise one in a way, I

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Speaker 1: hope to raise kids who I mean, not necessarily have

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Speaker 1: my credit card when your ass is married, but who

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Speaker 1: who have some you know, some financial support. Yeah, that's

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Speaker 1: my thought, Like the debt should be theirs. I feel

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Speaker 1: weird about him wanting to pay less of the mortgage

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Speaker 1: because also, oh, this is what I wanted to ask,

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Speaker 1: is her name on the deed? Like is she going

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Speaker 1: to actually get she's putting money into this mortgage, she

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Speaker 1: should be on the deed, she should be earning equity.

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Speaker 2: Well, I think that's inherent in the marriage. And I

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Speaker 2: think that's what Aaron talked about. And I wanted like

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Speaker 2: to highlight the things that he shared in the way

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Speaker 2: that his like, for example, his managers said, up, but like,

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Speaker 2: when you get married, it's no longer my assets your assets.

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Speaker 2: If you wanted to keep it like that, you don't

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Speaker 2: get married, right, So now everything is your assets together.

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Speaker 2: So now you're a one hundred and ninety thousand dollars

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Speaker 2: I mean yearly income households okay, And so everything needs

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Speaker 2: to be looked at like that.

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Speaker 1: And yeah, that's true. And she's talking about if it

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Speaker 1: only merged, finances will boom.

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Speaker 2: It's like, well, they're already under done it under the law, right,

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Speaker 2: so now figure out a way where you can have

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Speaker 2: a conversation to make it as equitable as possible.

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Speaker 3: I mean that's the only way.

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Speaker 2: I mean, that's a solution to me. It's just like

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Speaker 2: sitting down, I'll share your feelings. You guys aren't new

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Speaker 2: to this, y'all tut this. Y'all already been in this

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Speaker 2: for a little while. You've already been commingling funds as

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Speaker 2: what they would call it when you go to the court.

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Speaker 2: You've already been commingling. So figure out a way that

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Speaker 2: feels fair for both of you, guys. And then I

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Speaker 2: just like try and really trying to understand how much

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Speaker 2: of the parent involvement is here and if that has

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Speaker 2: anything to do with a lot of the of the

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Speaker 2: resentment that she's feeling. It's like, is, does she feel

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Speaker 2: like that maybe he doesn't feel as committed to the

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Speaker 2: finances as he as he should because he has this

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Speaker 2: magic credit card like she likes to call it. Does

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Speaker 2: she feel resentment because you know, he doesn't necessarily have

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Speaker 2: to pull the same weight that she does, because he

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Speaker 2: doesn't have student loans like it just seems like there's

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Speaker 2: some things that they need to untangle, which I feel like, again,

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Speaker 2: now that you're already married, maybe a post nup will

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Speaker 2: help you work through and give you words around and

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Speaker 2: community and actual structure to put things under. So I

408
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Speaker 2: think what ultimate advice would be maybe consider going through

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Speaker 2: a post process or picking up Aaron's book and kind

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Speaker 2: of working through that and using that as a guy

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Speaker 2: to walk you through how to have these conversations and

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Speaker 2: how to look through things like objectively and get some

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00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:46,879
Speaker 2: of those questions that questions answered that maybe causing the

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Speaker 2: resent any of your relationship.

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Speaker 1: And Aaron's book is called pre Nupts Made Simple right

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Speaker 1: by Aaron Thomas prescription. Oh thanks, not at all what

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Speaker 1: I said? The free a description Okay, all right, gotcha? Well,

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Speaker 1: you know, fifty to fifty we did it. Yeah, that's

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Speaker 1: such a good point to talk about that prenup and

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Speaker 1: to get some protection yourself, and especially if his parents

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Speaker 1: have substantial assets. I mean that we're not making we're

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Speaker 1: making some assumptions about his parents being like loaded, but

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Speaker 1: it could be like a five hundred dollars credit card,

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Speaker 1: we don't know, just for like, I don't know, to

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Speaker 1: buy himself lunch. I just can't take it when your

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Speaker 1: mommy and daddy gave you a credit card to just

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Speaker 1: use when you're grown and married. Okay, anyway, just like no,

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Speaker 1: but I love the idea of the post nup. I

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Speaker 1: also love I also like, oh, This is what I

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Speaker 1: was going to say earlier, because she mentioned how her

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Speaker 1: day to day expenses and you know, she put it

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Speaker 1: in parentheticals like being a black woman's expensive. And I

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Speaker 1: feel like when you spend so many years keeping your

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Speaker 1: finances separate as a couple, it can be uncomfortable to

435
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Speaker 1: pull the curtain back and then show here's actually, yeah,

436
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Speaker 1: here's actually where my money is going, because you're gonna

437
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Speaker 1: have someone else's judgment involved. But I mean, like my

438
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,840
Speaker 1: husband needed to know that I'm a massive Beyonce fan,

439
00:24:06,920 --> 00:24:09,919
Speaker 1: so when she goes on tour, it's gonna be you know,

440
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:14,200
Speaker 1: a washer dryer, Like yes, and that's what I value

441
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:15,800
Speaker 1: in life, Like you need to kind of know that,

442
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:18,680
Speaker 1: or like if it's your hair appointments, your nails, I

443
00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:22,119
Speaker 1: don't know what else, but like that is something that

444
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,240
Speaker 1: you know, you should maybe get comfortable talking about because

445
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:29,400
Speaker 1: you're gonna want transparency from him and have that transparency yourself.

446
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:32,159
Speaker 1: And it's I liked what Aaron said too about having

447
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,480
Speaker 1: the in their post nup or hitting his prenup with

448
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:39,400
Speaker 1: his wife was having a clause that said if one

449
00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:42,399
Speaker 1: of us spends over five hundred dollars, we have to

450
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:48,840
Speaker 1: tell the other person, So that kind of protection is important.

451
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:50,480
Speaker 1: So yeah, I'm on the street.

452
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,080
Speaker 3: I think that.

453
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:55,359
Speaker 2: I also think that when people make a certain amount

454
00:24:55,359 --> 00:24:58,400
Speaker 2: of money, it's automatically assumed that they.

455
00:24:58,160 --> 00:24:59,080
Speaker 3: Have more money.

456
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:02,760
Speaker 2: When a whole lot of lifestyle inflation and lifestyle creep

457
00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,520
Speaker 2: happens there where this person that's making forty thousand dollars

458
00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,920
Speaker 2: can easily have more disposable income than this person that's

459
00:25:09,960 --> 00:25:11,520
Speaker 2: making one hundred and fifty thousand.

460
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:13,200
Speaker 3: Dollars, especially when you don't have to spend money on

461
00:25:14,040 --> 00:25:15,800
Speaker 3: day to day expence. You're putting them on.

462
00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:19,119
Speaker 1: Your picturing being a farmer, and she's like, I'm just

463
00:25:19,119 --> 00:25:22,880
Speaker 1: picturing like boat bos Bozema, Saint John from real start

464
00:25:22,880 --> 00:25:26,920
Speaker 1: to Beverly Hills, like dating, I don't know, dating the farmer,

465
00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:31,960
Speaker 1: and like it works for them, but it's very different,

466
00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:32,520
Speaker 1: you know.

467
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,919
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, but you know, there could be a lot

468
00:25:35,920 --> 00:25:38,960
Speaker 2: of assumptions on his rehalf, like that she should have

469
00:25:39,000 --> 00:25:42,680
Speaker 2: more money so therefore she could contribute more, especially if

470
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:46,080
Speaker 2: you're looking at it from like trying to be equitable

471
00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:49,919
Speaker 2: and sharing expenses so that you know she makes so

472
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,480
Speaker 2: much more. But like I think what you're saying, like

473
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,720
Speaker 2: pull back the curtain, like really really share what you're

474
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,480
Speaker 2: spending on. Could there is there some things that could

475
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:03,320
Speaker 2: be cut back possibly, But the bottom line is is

476
00:26:03,359 --> 00:26:05,840
Speaker 2: that you guys need to be on the same page

477
00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:09,640
Speaker 2: on what you're spending, is what you value, what's really

478
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:14,440
Speaker 2: important And then you know, I think that'll that'll help

479
00:26:14,520 --> 00:26:19,760
Speaker 2: them be able to make decisions around sharing finances. But

480
00:26:19,840 --> 00:26:22,720
Speaker 2: again that's something that I feel like when you do

481
00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:26,480
Speaker 2: a process like a prenup, postnup, all of those things,

482
00:26:26,520 --> 00:26:27,880
Speaker 2: it helps you flesh those out.

483
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 1: So m getting clear on your goals as a couple too.

484
00:26:32,920 --> 00:26:35,840
Speaker 1: Are we collectively working toward paying off your debt? That

485
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,399
Speaker 1: helps get the mindset on his part going that this

486
00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:42,320
Speaker 1: is like our goal to reach and are we planning

487
00:26:42,359 --> 00:26:45,560
Speaker 1: to retire at a certain age? Like do we is

488
00:26:45,600 --> 00:26:47,160
Speaker 1: one of our values that we're going to have family

489
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:51,760
Speaker 1: vacations every year? And what could that cost? And like

490
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,520
Speaker 1: how do we plan toward that? And that is a

491
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,320
Speaker 1: missing piece I think for a lot of relationships. And

492
00:26:58,359 --> 00:27:01,840
Speaker 1: it's certainly some years were good at it me and

493
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:03,680
Speaker 1: my husband. Some years were not so great at it.

494
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,640
Speaker 1: You know, making a plan talking about like post baby

495
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,360
Speaker 1: years when it's just like survival like I can't.

496
00:27:09,080 --> 00:27:15,240
Speaker 3: Really but oh my goodness, yes.

497
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,439
Speaker 1: But good luck Bronwin and thank you for thank you

498
00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:23,199
Speaker 1: for your question. Congratulations on your your your wedding. I

499
00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:26,320
Speaker 1: really hope the best for y'all. But I like, I

500
00:27:26,359 --> 00:27:28,520
Speaker 1: think the post up the post nup plan. So go

501
00:27:28,560 --> 00:27:31,119
Speaker 1: to prenups dot com too, because Aaron. I don't know

502
00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:33,440
Speaker 1: what state you live in, but I think Aaron's practice

503
00:27:33,600 --> 00:27:37,080
Speaker 1: they practice in like half the states, maybe more most

504
00:27:37,119 --> 00:27:37,600
Speaker 1: of them.

505
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:39,920
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, you can find somebody in your stay through

506
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:40,320
Speaker 3: his side.

507
00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:43,359
Speaker 1: Al Right, all right, let's take a quick break and

508
00:27:43,359 --> 00:27:47,520
Speaker 1: we'll come right back with a question from listener Lauren. Okay,

509
00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,159
Speaker 1: b a fan, We are back with us short but

510
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,640
Speaker 1: sweet and very broad question from listener Lauren, who sent

511
00:27:54,720 --> 00:27:57,280
Speaker 1: us a d m on ig to say, how do

512
00:27:57,320 --> 00:28:00,119
Speaker 1: you talk to your partner about finances when you're not

513
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:05,920
Speaker 1: married and are there any red flags?

514
00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,000
Speaker 2: Yeah, talked about this at the top of the show,

515
00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:11,520
Speaker 2: and I think it depends, like you said, on what

516
00:28:11,600 --> 00:28:14,719
Speaker 2: stage of life Betterer in like how much in detail,

517
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:15,399
Speaker 2: how bad.

518
00:28:15,359 --> 00:28:16,960
Speaker 3: You get into those conversations.

519
00:28:17,040 --> 00:28:21,840
Speaker 2: And also you know, I talk about money every single day,

520
00:28:22,359 --> 00:28:26,879
Speaker 2: so it's just like your level of comfortability right with it,

521
00:28:26,960 --> 00:28:31,119
Speaker 2: and I don't know, finances comes up for me really

522
00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:33,880
Speaker 2: really early on, Like what was.

523
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,119
Speaker 1: The was there a topic you started with? Was it

524
00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:38,040
Speaker 1: like you want to you want to get like the

525
00:28:38,080 --> 00:28:40,800
Speaker 1: spring rolls or the tacos for appetizer? Also what's your

526
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:43,760
Speaker 1: credit score? Just wondering it was I like that.

527
00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:47,280
Speaker 3: It was kind of like, hey, I like you a lot,

528
00:28:47,720 --> 00:28:49,720
Speaker 3: you know, I know what you're all about.

529
00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:51,960
Speaker 2: And guess the predoms, you know what I'm saying, Like

530
00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:56,680
Speaker 2: that was like the first sentence, you know, So I

531
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:59,640
Speaker 2: mean like, yeah, those conversations, it just it just depends.

532
00:28:59,720 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 2: But I feel like the earlier the better. I feel

533
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:07,840
Speaker 2: like what people lean towards more is not having those

534
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:11,880
Speaker 2: money and money conversations until there's an issue that comes up.

535
00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:15,720
Speaker 2: And I think the most important thing is to try

536
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:19,160
Speaker 2: to and not saying that you can curb everything, but

537
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:24,200
Speaker 2: try to get in front of those conversations early and

538
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:26,920
Speaker 2: kind of like even if it's just like general, like

539
00:29:26,960 --> 00:29:29,520
Speaker 2: what's your perspective about money, Like do you.

540
00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:30,520
Speaker 3: Want to retire early?

541
00:29:30,640 --> 00:29:32,280
Speaker 2: Like how do you value money? Like how do you

542
00:29:32,320 --> 00:29:34,280
Speaker 2: look at it? Like do you think investing is important?

543
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:37,760
Speaker 2: Do you think that yogo is important and that you

544
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,080
Speaker 2: don't know when you're gonna die, so you know you

545
00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:42,720
Speaker 2: spend this kind of way, or do you just have

546
00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:45,280
Speaker 2: money trauma and you're still trying to heal from that,

547
00:29:45,560 --> 00:29:48,200
Speaker 2: or you know, like it's just just like like get

548
00:29:48,240 --> 00:29:50,520
Speaker 2: your money philosophy out there, even if you don't know

549
00:29:50,560 --> 00:29:53,520
Speaker 2: if it's a money philosophy, but like share stories around

550
00:29:53,520 --> 00:29:56,760
Speaker 2: money or things that have come up for you and

551
00:29:58,120 --> 00:30:01,440
Speaker 2: how it makes you feel on how it's dictated, how

552
00:30:01,480 --> 00:30:05,400
Speaker 2: you like manage life. And one of the greatest ways

553
00:30:05,440 --> 00:30:07,800
Speaker 2: that you can kind of do that is like really look.

554
00:30:07,680 --> 00:30:11,440
Speaker 3: Through your transaction for the last couple of months.

555
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,840
Speaker 2: I fellos bank saments and credit card statements, and it

556
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:16,160
Speaker 2: will kind of tell you what you're valuing in that moment.

557
00:30:16,560 --> 00:30:20,640
Speaker 1: I love you. I love the electronic version. I just

558
00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 1: can ignore it now. But the whole thing, well, I

559
00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:26,360
Speaker 1: use Rocket Money. Do you have used like an app

560
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,560
Speaker 1: where you can see all your finance, your your stuff

561
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:29,160
Speaker 1: in one spot.

562
00:30:29,280 --> 00:30:31,160
Speaker 3: I use Monarch. I love Monarch.

563
00:30:31,680 --> 00:30:34,280
Speaker 2: My money is great too, because it'll tell you like

564
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:36,440
Speaker 2: your subscriptions, like can remind.

565
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:37,400
Speaker 3: You, hey, you know you can't.

566
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:39,959
Speaker 1: It's very good. It just isn't so easy to like

567
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:42,920
Speaker 1: cancel them as they make it seem. But yeah, I'm trying.

568
00:30:43,280 --> 00:30:46,760
Speaker 1: I had yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, oh, we can't

569
00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,600
Speaker 1: do that for you here go just letting you know.

570
00:30:49,680 --> 00:30:51,959
Speaker 1: But yeah, but for my husband and I, it was

571
00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,320
Speaker 1: it's finally the platform that we're using now to like

572
00:30:54,800 --> 00:30:57,240
Speaker 1: look at all of our stuff in one place. You

573
00:30:57,240 --> 00:30:58,440
Speaker 1: know what, do they have.

574
00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:02,440
Speaker 3: A network track around there? Yeah, all of that stuff,

575
00:31:03,040 --> 00:31:04,560
Speaker 3: which which I really really like.

576
00:31:05,560 --> 00:31:07,800
Speaker 1: It's a really nice dashboard and you can add your

577
00:31:07,840 --> 00:31:11,240
Speaker 1: partner as like a joint user, and so it adds

578
00:31:11,280 --> 00:31:15,800
Speaker 1: that level of transparency. But our problem is the time

579
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:19,560
Speaker 1: to like block out two hours to actually go through

580
00:31:19,600 --> 00:31:22,120
Speaker 1: it and really do like I want to do a

581
00:31:22,200 --> 00:31:24,920
Speaker 1: values lineup assessment. I want to I want to like

582
00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:29,320
Speaker 1: talk through our values first, especially like around value specifically

583
00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:31,680
Speaker 1: that relate to like finances, Like what types of things

584
00:31:31,680 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 1: are we willing to spend more on? What do we

585
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:36,479
Speaker 1: not value so much? And then do like an audit

586
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:40,120
Speaker 1: of our finances and kind of like assess what things

587
00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:42,840
Speaker 1: can be cut because they're not in alignment with our values,

588
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:45,720
Speaker 1: and kind of like look at how we've been spending

589
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,360
Speaker 1: I don't know the past like year or two and

590
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:51,480
Speaker 1: see how we are in or out of alignment with

591
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:55,200
Speaker 1: those values because our I know, one of our our

592
00:31:55,280 --> 00:31:59,680
Speaker 1: values is being able to retire like earlier than the

593
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:04,239
Speaker 1: government would have us think is normal. I know our

594
00:32:04,360 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 1: value is that we want to be able to like

595
00:32:06,840 --> 00:32:09,480
Speaker 1: purchase homes for our kids and or help them with

596
00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:12,200
Speaker 1: their first down payment. And my husband has a value

597
00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:14,840
Speaker 1: of wanting to hand down a really nice watch to

598
00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:17,440
Speaker 1: his boys, something that I kind of rolled my eyes out,

599
00:32:17,520 --> 00:32:21,200
Speaker 1: but it means a lot to him. Yeah, He's like,

600
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:23,400
Speaker 1: I want to give them a Rolex, and I'm like, akay.

601
00:32:24,320 --> 00:32:27,200
Speaker 1: But if that's a value, then let's be striving towards that.

602
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:30,200
Speaker 1: I think what we're going to find is a lot

603
00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:32,560
Speaker 1: of door dash and uber eats and have to be like,

604
00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:36,479
Speaker 1: was our value? Well, see what we could like our

605
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,680
Speaker 1: value is convenience and spending time as a family and

606
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:43,400
Speaker 1: me not having to cook. That's a value, but it's

607
00:32:43,480 --> 00:32:45,480
Speaker 1: that it's setting. I would say one of my pieces

608
00:32:45,480 --> 00:32:48,320
Speaker 1: of advice for you, Lauren, is just too as much

609
00:32:48,320 --> 00:32:52,840
Speaker 1: as you can make it a habit, like and I've

610
00:32:52,920 --> 00:32:55,440
Speaker 1: given this advice and I'm not great at enforcing it,

611
00:32:55,480 --> 00:32:59,200
Speaker 1: which is like have that money, you know, scheduled conversation,

612
00:32:59,400 --> 00:33:01,640
Speaker 1: whether it's like once a week, once a month, whatever,

613
00:33:03,000 --> 00:33:07,160
Speaker 1: once a quarter, but having that dedicated time and if

614
00:33:07,240 --> 00:33:11,000
Speaker 1: when all else fails. I really love getting a financial

615
00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:13,560
Speaker 1: planner in the mix because especially if you do like

616
00:33:13,600 --> 00:33:15,720
Speaker 1: a fee based or fee only planner for a few

617
00:33:15,800 --> 00:33:18,800
Speaker 1: hundred dollars like which maybe that sounds like a lot,

618
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:22,480
Speaker 1: but consider like a couple's counselor in a way, because

619
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,720
Speaker 1: they can be like an objective third party to ask

620
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:28,600
Speaker 1: some of the questions that maybe if it came from you,

621
00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,680
Speaker 1: they might get defensive or you don't even know which

622
00:33:30,760 --> 00:33:34,160
Speaker 1: questions to ask, and a financial planner can and you

623
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,040
Speaker 1: can just make it simple. It's not like we are

624
00:33:36,360 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 1: coming here to merge our finances. It's like we're gonna

625
00:33:39,960 --> 00:33:43,440
Speaker 1: do with the financial planner just to do like a

626
00:33:43,480 --> 00:33:47,719
Speaker 1: household budget assessment and get everything in one place and

627
00:33:47,760 --> 00:33:50,160
Speaker 1: track our goals and all of that. And I promise

628
00:33:50,280 --> 00:33:53,960
Speaker 1: like through that conversation with that planner, you'll be able

629
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:59,480
Speaker 1: to get a lot of clarity around your partners, like

630
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:03,280
Speaker 1: the EIMA was saying, like mindset around money, how they

631
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:07,040
Speaker 1: feel about money. You can start looking for red flags,

632
00:34:07,320 --> 00:34:10,640
Speaker 1: like I think you know Obviously, someone who shuts down

633
00:34:10,680 --> 00:34:13,280
Speaker 1: it doesn't want to do it. That's a big red flag.

634
00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,040
Speaker 3: That's the one that's a big one.

635
00:34:15,239 --> 00:34:17,920
Speaker 2: But I think like Lauren's question is more like, should

636
00:34:17,960 --> 00:34:21,279
Speaker 2: you even be talking about finances with someone that you're

637
00:34:21,320 --> 00:34:25,160
Speaker 2: not married with? I'm married too, And I think the

638
00:34:25,200 --> 00:34:29,360
Speaker 2: overall answer is yes, But I'm going to say it

639
00:34:29,400 --> 00:34:34,319
Speaker 2: depends because if you're not dating seriously, like it's a

640
00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,440
Speaker 2: lot of people else out here just just like you know,

641
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,319
Speaker 2: you know, just dating for the thrills, you know, But

642
00:34:42,360 --> 00:34:45,879
Speaker 2: if you want to go to that person, if you're

643
00:34:45,960 --> 00:34:48,520
Speaker 2: if you're dating seriously and you want to go to

644
00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:50,839
Speaker 2: the next level with that person, you want to make

645
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:54,239
Speaker 2: it more than just dating, and you might be on

646
00:34:54,280 --> 00:34:57,719
Speaker 2: that wedding directory or life partner trajectory. And like in

647
00:34:57,800 --> 00:34:59,839
Speaker 2: Ellie's case, like she doesn't feel like she's gonna be married,

648
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:01,760
Speaker 2: but you've been with this man for twelve years.

649
00:35:01,920 --> 00:35:06,120
Speaker 3: I mean they share a lot inherently, right, So if

650
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:06,560
Speaker 3: that's the.

651
00:35:06,880 --> 00:35:09,160
Speaker 2: Path that you're going on, the sooner the better to

652
00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:12,040
Speaker 2: have these money conversations and I love you, and the

653
00:35:12,080 --> 00:35:14,200
Speaker 2: suggestion of meeting with the financial planner. It kind of

654
00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:17,839
Speaker 2: goes along the same thing of like the whole you know,

655
00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:21,399
Speaker 2: setting up like prenums and like just getting prepared for that,

656
00:35:21,480 --> 00:35:24,040
Speaker 2: because a lot of that is just like bringing to

657
00:35:24,080 --> 00:35:28,640
Speaker 2: the table your gets your assets, all those things. And

658
00:35:28,680 --> 00:35:33,160
Speaker 2: then also it brings to the forefront what your money personality.

659
00:35:32,680 --> 00:35:35,160
Speaker 1: Is, you know, So I love Yeah, I like you

660
00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:37,520
Speaker 1: can keep it light and cute early data. Maybe it's

661
00:35:37,520 --> 00:35:40,399
Speaker 1: about I mean cause if you're like, let's say you're

662
00:35:40,760 --> 00:35:43,400
Speaker 1: you're like bron one before, where one person earning is

663
00:35:43,440 --> 00:35:45,600
Speaker 1: earning like three times as much as the other one,

664
00:35:45,719 --> 00:35:48,239
Speaker 1: and the other one wants to go on dates and

665
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:51,920
Speaker 1: it's like any but you guys are only just dating.

666
00:35:52,040 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: So it's like maybe you're going to go split seas

667
00:35:54,360 --> 00:35:56,440
Speaker 1: or you know, you get one, I get one kind

668
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:59,480
Speaker 1: of thing. Yeah, then there should be a conversation, a

669
00:35:59,520 --> 00:36:02,960
Speaker 1: candid one about hey, I'm not able to afford this

670
00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:06,440
Speaker 1: type of date, so let's set a budget or are

671
00:36:06,480 --> 00:36:09,840
Speaker 1: you comfortable? You know, like, are you okay if I

672
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:12,160
Speaker 1: take you to I don't know, why is chick fil

673
00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:14,319
Speaker 1: A the only thing come to my mind? Chick fil

674
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:16,680
Speaker 1: A and take a walk in the park, versus like

675
00:36:16,719 --> 00:36:21,719
Speaker 1: going to a Michelin rated restaurant. Right, and that I

676
00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:24,359
Speaker 1: think is maybe not a comfortable conversation to have. But

677
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 1: if they make you feel safe and not judged, and

678
00:36:27,280 --> 00:36:30,319
Speaker 1: if they make you feel if they're completely understanding and

679
00:36:30,400 --> 00:36:32,480
Speaker 1: immediately or like yes, that's a green flag. And if

680
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:35,399
Speaker 1: it's anything but that, I would say that's a that's

681
00:36:35,440 --> 00:36:37,120
Speaker 1: a red flag to look out for it.

682
00:36:37,200 --> 00:36:40,240
Speaker 2: Yeah, And like in the instance of like the person

683
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:43,640
Speaker 2: that's making like forty thousand dollars a year and wanting

684
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:47,000
Speaker 2: to be that person that takes that person out, I

685
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:52,080
Speaker 2: can understand like how that conversation can be uncomfortable because

686
00:36:52,120 --> 00:36:53,799
Speaker 2: you want to be those things you want to be

687
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:58,160
Speaker 2: able to provide. And I have seen where those situations

688
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,480
Speaker 2: turn to like a Negati thing where it could where

689
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:04,360
Speaker 2: it could easily be just like let's have a conversation

690
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:06,080
Speaker 2: like I don't want to go out to all these

691
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,480
Speaker 2: places that you think that I might want to go

692
00:37:08,560 --> 00:37:11,279
Speaker 2: to just because you think I'm used to a certain

693
00:37:11,360 --> 00:37:12,240
Speaker 2: level of luxury.

694
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:14,840
Speaker 3: The more important thing is I want to spend quality

695
00:37:14,960 --> 00:37:15,600
Speaker 3: time with you.

696
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:17,920
Speaker 2: And if that means that we order pizza and we

697
00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:23,080
Speaker 2: watch Netflix, that's way more important to me then you

698
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:25,160
Speaker 2: trying to impress me and take me to this fancy

699
00:37:25,200 --> 00:37:27,200
Speaker 2: restaurant because you know, I've been there and that's what

700
00:37:27,239 --> 00:37:30,000
Speaker 2: I want to do. And I think that instead of

701
00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:33,160
Speaker 2: shying away from those conversations, you're like, hey, like I

702
00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,719
Speaker 2: really want to do these really nice things for you.

703
00:37:36,000 --> 00:37:38,320
Speaker 2: But it's given me a little bit of anxiety because

704
00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:41,880
Speaker 2: I can't do those things at that level right now,

705
00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:44,640
Speaker 2: you know, And then what is a way that we

706
00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:46,520
Speaker 2: can work around it? But I think people are so

707
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:49,799
Speaker 2: scared of having those conversations that they'll just give up

708
00:37:49,800 --> 00:37:50,640
Speaker 2: on the relationship.

709
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:54,600
Speaker 1: And I've seen that, Well, if it really matters to you,

710
00:37:55,160 --> 00:37:57,680
Speaker 1: don't give up. And I mean I don't mean to

711
00:37:57,719 --> 00:38:00,839
Speaker 1: say if they're uncomfortable, like it's a right shut it down,

712
00:38:00,920 --> 00:38:03,840
Speaker 1: because I think depends on ages. Like my husband and

713
00:38:03,920 --> 00:38:05,560
Speaker 1: I got in a fight when we first started we

714
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,720
Speaker 1: moved in together, and I was like, for some reason,

715
00:38:07,760 --> 00:38:09,920
Speaker 1: I'm such a hermione. I was like way over the top.

716
00:38:10,360 --> 00:38:13,719
Speaker 1: I was financial, you know, financial expert, Yahoo finance, blah

717
00:38:13,760 --> 00:38:16,040
Speaker 1: blah blah, like come on, tell me your credit score.

718
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:18,359
Speaker 1: And he was like, well, no, I won't. And I

719
00:38:18,400 --> 00:38:20,839
Speaker 1: was like, well, yes you will. I need to credit score.

720
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:23,640
Speaker 1: And it became like this whole thing, this big like

721
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:27,360
Speaker 1: power struggle if like tell me what your credit score,

722
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,680
Speaker 1: and I should have just like calmed down, given him

723
00:38:29,719 --> 00:38:33,640
Speaker 1: some space to get comfortable with the idea, and like

724
00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:37,040
Speaker 1: eventually it was fine. But like leaving a little bit

725
00:38:37,080 --> 00:38:39,920
Speaker 1: of like space for the human element, especially if they

726
00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:45,680
Speaker 1: have anxiety or just like internalized patriarchy can be a

727
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:48,040
Speaker 1: part of that too. They need to learn a little

728
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:51,799
Speaker 1: bit of that much he's most sometimes and if they're

729
00:38:51,800 --> 00:38:53,600
Speaker 1: worth there, you can give him a little bit of space,

730
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:59,520
Speaker 1: little bit, all right, be a fanble not sema. Thank

731
00:38:59,560 --> 00:39:04,319
Speaker 1: you so much for joining me twice this week, ba fam,

732
00:39:04,360 --> 00:39:08,720
Speaker 1: go check out in Nasima's incredible work and Wednesday's episode,

733
00:39:08,760 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 1: of course, we learn a lot about her experience as

734
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 1: a labor and delivery nurse and repping for Oakland And

735
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:20,520
Speaker 1: thanks for joining us, all right, check her out at

736
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:22,800
Speaker 1: Financially Intentional and what's the name of your podcast?

737
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 3: Is it also financially intentional podcast?

738
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:30,200
Speaker 1: Financially Intentional podcast? All right, va Fam? Until next time, Bye,

739
00:39:30,239 --> 00:39:30,640
Speaker 1: take care,