Speaker 1: I got neutered. You did, and listen. If there was
Speaker 1: ever a time for me to rob on some balls,
Speaker 1: now's the time. How's the time, dead balls? Hey, I'm
Speaker 1: Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us
Speaker 1: from posting funny videos without boys and reading each other
Speaker 1: publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you
Speaker 1: need therby most days. Wow. And one more important thing
Speaker 1: to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast
Speaker 1: to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics,
Speaker 1: things most folks don't want to talk about through the
Speaker 1: lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the
Speaker 1: term that we say every day. So when we say
Speaker 1: dead asks, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth,
Speaker 1: and nothing but the truth. We're about to take phillo
Speaker 1: talk to a whole level. Dead ass starts right now.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna just let you know exactly what happened. All right.
Speaker 1: Went to the doctor. Case said, I want you to
Speaker 1: take an appointment, go see about getting to a sector me.
Speaker 1: I said, fine, I went to go see this doctor.
Speaker 1: He said to me, sir, there are plenty options. One
Speaker 1: you can go to sleep. I said so, because I'm
Speaker 1: not staying awake for this. He said, do you want
Speaker 1: to hear the other options? Said, let me hear the
Speaker 1: other options. He said, well, you can get a local
Speaker 1: anesthesia with a needle. So I said, you're gonna put
Speaker 1: a needle by my nuts. He goes, you won't really
Speaker 1: feel anything. You may smell a little bit of burning.
Speaker 1: So I said, oh, so you want to put a
Speaker 1: needle by my nuts and you want me to smell
Speaker 1: my nuts burning. I said, if you don't put me
Speaker 1: to sleep, I'm gonna go to sleep when I see
Speaker 1: that needle, all right, So he said, fine, you want
Speaker 1: the anesthesia. Yes, wake up on the morning of my surgery,
Speaker 1: and KaDee and I are late. We overslept. I thought
Speaker 1: this was aside from God, Okay, I can't do this.
Speaker 1: They don't want me to do this. The Lord don't
Speaker 1: want me to not like a regular we were like
Speaker 1: we slept the extra like hour. We were supposed to
Speaker 1: be there at seven forty five. We woke up at
Speaker 1: seven thirty and the place about forty minutes away. So
Speaker 1: now I'm just like, everything's going wrong in the morning time,
Speaker 1: something like I don't even know. So I started telling
Speaker 1: myself reasons why I shouldn't get this done. So I said,
Speaker 1: you know, when i'm an email, lm K and if
Speaker 1: they say it's too late, then I mean, this is
Speaker 1: the reason why. So I sent the email said hey,
Speaker 1: me and my wife on our way. I feel like
Speaker 1: before I could even present, I got an email back
Speaker 1: saying it's okay, take your time. I said, damn, okay,
Speaker 1: just drive drive. It was raining that morning. I feel
Speaker 1: like I was crying. It was, and I had gotten
Speaker 1: the night before. I was going through the mail and
Speaker 1: I saw something for the Nutcracker. I was like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to ask about if you want to
Speaker 1: go you got jokes. I'm just saying, maybe we can
Speaker 1: name that episode this episode that let me finish my story?
Speaker 1: Yo about Yo, I'm so mad right now? We get there,
Speaker 1: we get to the doctor, right, And the funny thing
Speaker 1: is when we get to the doctors, like all you
Speaker 1: see is a bunch of guys with like hoodies on
Speaker 1: and they're just walking out with their head down and
Speaker 1: their wife is in the car, and it's like it's
Speaker 1: like that's exactly what it looks like. It's literally what
Speaker 1: it was. So I walk in there and on my
Speaker 1: paperwork out on my chest, up my head hell high.
Speaker 1: They put the I V in my arm and when
Speaker 1: I want the same T shirt this T shirt I
Speaker 1: got on and says create dope humans. The irony of
Speaker 1: that T shirt. I have a T shirt on that
Speaker 1: right now that says create dope humans. And I can't
Speaker 1: do it no more that we did. We did, so
Speaker 1: I should. It should have a d on it created
Speaker 1: dope humans because us in the past. But I went
Speaker 1: to sleep and then when I woke up, my nuts
Speaker 1: was finished. I was right there. He was right there,
Speaker 1: hold in your hand, holding my hand. Should have been
Speaker 1: holding my nuts. She was talking man ship too. Coming
Speaker 1: out of anesthesia. I was wouldn't be any other way,
Speaker 1: pastor peace like you used to do. Said pass like
Speaker 1: you used to do, used to do, used to do
Speaker 1: because triple are gonna get mad, bath like you do,
Speaker 1: the peas like it used to you. So yo, y'all,
Speaker 1: have y'all ever seen Canna's happy in her life? Guys,
Speaker 1: I'm not laughing at the fact that you had the
Speaker 1: sext to me. It's just like the theatrics around everything,
Speaker 1: because you know, nothing can't have for normally for us
Speaker 1: it's always coming with chips and giggles. Facts. There was
Speaker 1: nothing giggling about this man. My nuts heard it for
Speaker 1: a little bit. But it's fine. We'll take a break.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna get the piece. I'll shout out to Martin
Speaker 1: for y'all who know, Martin is probably my favorite comedian
Speaker 1: of all time, somebody who I admired as an artist.
Speaker 1: A lot of his comedy, his physical attributes is a
Speaker 1: lot of things that I do now just my second
Speaker 1: nature because I watched so much Martin growing up. It's
Speaker 1: almost like like he's my Michael Jackson to Chris Brown,
Speaker 1: and Chris Brown looks at Michael Jackson's like, that's that's
Speaker 1: my north star. Martin to me is my north star.
Speaker 1: So past the pieces from the episode where they were
Speaker 1: having the Thanksgiving competition and Jane ain't do nothing but
Speaker 1: snapped them scraggly as peggs. That's a great episode that
Speaker 1: Martin Lawrence all r y'all, we'll be back. All right, now,
Speaker 1: we're back. So let's break down why I decided to
Speaker 1: have the v sector me. Okay, so everyone that's like,
Speaker 1: come on, man, y'all got one morning you come on, man.
Speaker 1: The girl's out there, she's nowhere nowhere. I am the girl.
Speaker 1: I'm the girl. I'm the only girl. It's the beginning
Speaker 1: and middle. I am the one said. You're the queen.
Speaker 1: You're the queen that rain Rain Supreme, Supreme. But yeah,
Speaker 1: so in the beginning, you said, you know, made this
Speaker 1: appointment for me, and I went, let's just be clear
Speaker 1: that this wasn't just something that I came up with.
Speaker 1: It was like because it was funny. Devout had an appointment,
Speaker 1: initially a couple of months ago for a consultation. So
Speaker 1: in talking when he agreed that you know, okay, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna go ahead and get this pasectomy, I said, all right,
Speaker 1: I want to find you the best doctor to do
Speaker 1: it out here in Atlanta. So um, he had to
Speaker 1: be able to do what a reversal? No no, no, no,
Speaker 1: put me to sleep. I'll put you to sleep. And
Speaker 1: I say reversal just because I just feel like if
Speaker 1: somebody is is this is a specialty vasectomies and reversals,
Speaker 1: I at least know that he knows it from back,
Speaker 1: sideways and all that good stuff. No plans to reverse it,
Speaker 1: but you never know, right, So um, I ended up
Speaker 1: making an appointment for him just based on scheduling, because
Speaker 1: to quickly devout doesn't even look at the calendar. I
Speaker 1: loved at the calendar, so I said, all right, he
Speaker 1: looks like he's free this day. And I think something
Speaker 1: ended up coming up work related, and you weren't able
Speaker 1: to make that meeting. And they called to the confession
Speaker 1: appointment the day before you're filming, and um, she called
Speaker 1: and she's like, hey, you don't just want to confirm
Speaker 1: the appointment and he's just like, ah, yeah, I'm not
Speaker 1: gonna be able to make that appointment anymore. And I
Speaker 1: just thought about because she kind of laughed. She laughed, Oh,
Speaker 1: your wife made this appointment. So I can imagine how
Speaker 1: many men get cold feet deciding like, you know what,
Speaker 1: I kind of want to do this, and then my
Speaker 1: wife makes this appointment, or the wife takes the liberty
Speaker 1: of making the appointment, and then he's just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: now I'm not coming to that. How often that happened?
Speaker 1: That's I mean, we well, we know a couple of
Speaker 1: friends of ours who told us verbade him that the
Speaker 1: wife made the appointment and he just didn't go. But
Speaker 1: I just want to put this out there for your feminists,
Speaker 1: all you women at being my comments, you know that's
Speaker 1: team k. Kay did not make me get of a
Speaker 1: sect to me. All right, So gentlemen, don't don't feel
Speaker 1: like we took an l because the valve way and
Speaker 1: just gotta affect me because Kay said, no, I gotta
Speaker 1: affecting me on my own to protect my wife. Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna tell you why. All right. There's a number
Speaker 1: of things. Number One, everyone knows that Codeine and I
Speaker 1: love each other immensely, multiple times a week, consistently physically. Okay,
Speaker 1: we have a lot of sex. Okay, we We've talked
Speaker 1: about this a lot on the podcast. Anybody who sees
Speaker 1: this out always to someone. God, you're always touching each other.
Speaker 1: It's just that's why we have four kids. Yeah, we
Speaker 1: just we always be on top of each other. And
Speaker 1: there are some things that have changed in Codeine's health
Speaker 1: that became alarming to me. In particular. Number one, after
Speaker 1: we had casts or Dakota, we talked about this. She
Speaker 1: suffered from postpartum pre clam show, which means more than likely,
Speaker 1: if she gets pregnant again, she's probably gonna have full
Speaker 1: pre clamp show while she's pregnant, which is a life
Speaker 1: of death situation and it's extremely uncomfortable for a mom
Speaker 1: to go through pregnant PAMP very high risk. And for
Speaker 1: those of you who don't know, if you haven't listened
Speaker 1: to that episode where I spoke in detail about my
Speaker 1: emergency room behind a couple of vergency room videos now
Speaker 1: that we've been talking about, um, but yeah, this one
Speaker 1: in particular was just scary for me because I will say,
Speaker 1: and I think I might have admitted this on an
Speaker 1: episode that I was toying with the idea of one more.
Speaker 1: You know, five is my favorite number, so I was like, okay,
Speaker 1: And to be very honest, um, I had such beautiful
Speaker 1: experiences pregnant. UM. I also feel like we were in
Speaker 1: a position and we are in a position in the
Speaker 1: space where we're just like, you know what, maybe I
Speaker 1: could do just one more and if we had five boys, okay,
Speaker 1: or if not we had a girl, cool to um.
Speaker 1: But then this was really what put the kabash the
Speaker 1: nail in the coffee for me, was that postpartum preclampion
Speaker 1: episode because having to now say, oh, man, like having
Speaker 1: a fifth child and then having full blown preclamption and
Speaker 1: then running the risk of low birth weight serian section
Speaker 1: after having all natural births. It was just way too many,
Speaker 1: way out the pros and the cons. It just didn't
Speaker 1: make sense for us. We're officially so we were we
Speaker 1: were we had decided that we were officially having done
Speaker 1: having children. And at that point Codine said, she's gonna
Speaker 1: get on birth control until excuse me, until we could
Speaker 1: figure out when I could get the v sector me.
Speaker 1: Because Kennina and I had already planned. I know, I
Speaker 1: made a lot of jokes on social media because we
Speaker 1: do believe in in making things making people laugh that
Speaker 1: I said I would never get a v sectum me
Speaker 1: or every time she talked about it, I would scream
Speaker 1: and grabbed my nuts and fall on the floor. Um.
Speaker 1: But it was just it was jokes. But we had
Speaker 1: already decided that once we were done having kids, I
Speaker 1: was going to have a vasectomy because it's the easiest
Speaker 1: way to get contraception. So Codeine got on birth control
Speaker 1: because we hadn't planned the vasector me yet. And even
Speaker 1: though she did the copper I u D before she
Speaker 1: did birth control, the hormonal birth control, her hair fell out,
Speaker 1: she gained weight, she was moving it was too much,
Speaker 1: so we decided to go with the para good i
Speaker 1: u D. But with the i U D, she started
Speaker 1: having her period every three weeks and they were extremely heavy.
Speaker 1: Was led to her having let her having low iron
Speaker 1: and started to develop anemia. So we like dang, So
Speaker 1: now you know we we didn't use the hormones, we
Speaker 1: use the copper, and this is happening with the copper.
Speaker 1: So it's like there's always a side effect with birth control.
Speaker 1: And it also lowered her libido just having something in
Speaker 1: her like us having sex. We couldn't have sex to
Speaker 1: where we want to have sex because she could feel
Speaker 1: it and she would feel tender or I could feel it.
Speaker 1: And the last time we had the i u D
Speaker 1: was when it it got knocked out right before it
Speaker 1: was after the cast after cast after cast was on
Speaker 1: its way out. So it was kind of like, all right,
Speaker 1: now is the time, I guess because he was already
Speaker 1: kind of coming out. But for us, the whole i
Speaker 1: u D just never worked with us, like it just
Speaker 1: it just seemed like it wasn't the safest bet for us.
Speaker 1: Our body didn't respond well to which she also had
Speaker 1: issues with the copper and has to see a doctor
Speaker 1: about that. So it was like, you know what, in
Speaker 1: order to protect my wife, in order for us to
Speaker 1: have the sex life we want to have, because Kadin
Speaker 1: is always a better sex partner when she's not on
Speaker 1: any type of contraception, I need to get a sectomy.
Speaker 1: So it wasn't a devow versus Kadeine. Let's see who wins,
Speaker 1: because it seems like everyone likes to make it a
Speaker 1: man versus woman things. It's like, he got a sectimy,
Speaker 1: so the woman one. I made this decision on my
Speaker 1: own to have a vasectomy. Yeah, because usually the argument
Speaker 1: is like, well, the woman did all the work, she
Speaker 1: had all the kids, so this is the one thing
Speaker 1: you could do, blah blah blah blah blah. But I
Speaker 1: do also understand, like that's a sensitive topic for men,
Speaker 1: Like we didn't just regard the fact that some men
Speaker 1: just don't want that as an option, like they don't
Speaker 1: like you know, and even when you talk about how
Speaker 1: you felt physically after the procedure, like give him a
Speaker 1: little insight on that, because I know too that's an
Speaker 1: uncomfortable feeling naturally for you guys as well. So I'm
Speaker 1: gonna be honest I spoke to all my boys who
Speaker 1: have had vasectomies. Now here's the truth. There are a
Speaker 1: lot more men who have had vasectomies who are not
Speaker 1: talking about it. Is another another dead ass podcast, a
Speaker 1: very taboo topic that people don't talk about. But then
Speaker 1: you speak to your homeboys like you have sex. A
Speaker 1: couple of years ago, I have a sected me after
Speaker 1: my last child and it's like, wow, there are a
Speaker 1: lot of men walking around with vasectomies. And asked them why.
Speaker 1: They all said the same thing. They said, well, number one,
Speaker 1: my sex life got better after I had to a
Speaker 1: sector ME because my wife felt more normal that she
Speaker 1: didn't have to take any birth control pills and didn't
Speaker 1: have an I U D. Additionally, they just knew that
Speaker 1: they were done. So even when you do take a contraception,
Speaker 1: you can still have a baby, but of a sector
Speaker 1: me is the safest way to not have any more kids.
Speaker 1: So I asked him what the recovery was like, and
Speaker 1: it was like, it's very simple. You know, you keep
Speaker 1: the peace because they're smallertle round piece. They form, you know,
Speaker 1: to the sack right, they keep it cool down there,
Speaker 1: keep the swelling down. You take the medication for two days.
Speaker 1: You don't lift anything heavy, you don't run, you don't jump,
Speaker 1: and well I did all of the next the next
Speaker 1: podcast you'll hear why I had to do all of
Speaker 1: those things right, We had in detail, but we had
Speaker 1: an emergency room visit. I had to pick up Cairo
Speaker 1: and carry him to the emergency room. Then Jackson had
Speaker 1: a football game the very next day. Then Cairo had
Speaker 1: a football game the day after that. Did I want
Speaker 1: one thing I gonna do with coach? And I had
Speaker 1: to coach my boys because that's that's what I do.
Speaker 1: So I was out there on my feet so on,
Speaker 1: but I didn't do any major lifting. I kept the
Speaker 1: peas nearby. UM. I took my antibiotics all the way through,
Speaker 1: and then by the third day I was able to
Speaker 1: walk super super small. Um I didn't. It didn't require much.
Speaker 1: Like to be honest, I was. I remember going to
Speaker 1: sleep and then waking up and thinking like that, how
Speaker 1: must have asleep for so long? And it was only
Speaker 1: like forty minutes. Yeah, I think from start to finish,
Speaker 1: but the actual procedure once you're under fifteen minutes, because
Speaker 1: I remember me too, was super tired that morning and
Speaker 1: I could see like the couples walking in out and
Speaker 1: then the guys would be let go and it was
Speaker 1: literally like a row of cars and they were all
Speaker 1: I'm just assuming the women, the spouses whatever, all of
Speaker 1: them were sitting in the driver's seat just kind of
Speaker 1: waiting for them to come out. And then the nurse
Speaker 1: comes out with the couple and yeah, you see him
Speaker 1: kind of limp into the car and wife helps him in.
Speaker 1: It was like literally like like the discharge of a
Speaker 1: woman who had a baby. You know, it was the reverse.
Speaker 1: It was the reverse of it. It was. It's just
Speaker 1: so funny to see. What's funny to me is that
Speaker 1: I'm coaching right all of the parents and coach, you
Speaker 1: gotta limp, you got an ankle, and this is me. Yeah, man,
Speaker 1: it's an old football injury. Because now my masculinity, my
Speaker 1: masculinity is being questioned because I can't tell people that
Speaker 1: had to affected me out allow who I don't know,
Speaker 1: So I'm just going to super mato mode. It's like, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know, I played in the NFL four years at
Speaker 1: a couple of knee injuries that forced me to limp,
Speaker 1: plus the sciatica from all the tackling. I never tackled anybody.
Speaker 1: I played receiver all the tackling on my back. So
Speaker 1: that's why I'm limping. Yeah, yeah, that's that's what happened
Speaker 1: to me while my nut is swollen because I shouldn't be.
Speaker 1: You should not be on your feet. Bro At every
Speaker 1: time the value to tell me go sit down, get
Speaker 1: some risks. You just had a baby. You just had
Speaker 1: a baby. Now the roles have reversed, and he's just like, Hey,
Speaker 1: I know my body. I know my body. I've been
Speaker 1: an elite athlete my whole life. Like wolverine. Yes, that's
Speaker 1: what I called myself, or call myself wolverine because I
Speaker 1: heal faster than most humans. So um, well for me, um,
Speaker 1: one thing that stands out for us as were like
Speaker 1: closing the chapter in our lives of having children, um,
Speaker 1: knowing that we're done. I had a split second moment
Speaker 1: where I was and I said it to you. I
Speaker 1: was like, I feel like I was like mourning the
Speaker 1: loss of children. We never had like something so final
Speaker 1: about the vasectom me. It's almost like a yeah, it's
Speaker 1: like a woman tying her tubes or something and then
Speaker 1: knowing that you're done. And I feel like I kind
Speaker 1: of was forced into the decision being made for myself. Um,
Speaker 1: my body made the decision after and I kind of
Speaker 1: struggled with that for a little bit, and for for
Speaker 1: lack of wanting to sound ungrateful like I'm super grateful
Speaker 1: that I have for healthy, beautiful boys, my body was
Speaker 1: able to do everything that it needed to do to
Speaker 1: bring them earthside. Um. I did have a split second
Speaker 1: where I felt like that choice was taken away from
Speaker 1: me because I wasn't the one to say I'm done.
Speaker 1: You know, it's like the one up between like my body.
Speaker 1: And at that point, I said, you know what, King,
Speaker 1: You're just sitting here. You were praying and asking for
Speaker 1: signs like do you have one more? And then this
Speaker 1: truly says to you, girl, stop enough. You are more
Speaker 1: than content with your boys. You are a boy mom
Speaker 1: through and through sitting at these football games and the
Speaker 1: way I've been carrying on like this this life for me,
Speaker 1: and then I suffer through not to sound me, but
Speaker 1: I suffer through like the cheerleading, you know, halftime shows,
Speaker 1: and I'm just like, man, this really wouldn't have been
Speaker 1: my life because I sure as I do not want
Speaker 1: to be on nobody's fifty yard line. You know, I'm
Speaker 1: a boy mom through and through, and I'm thankful for that.
Speaker 1: But I did have a moment where I kind of
Speaker 1: felt like, Lord, I'm not being selfish, and I'm grateful,
Speaker 1: but you know, I just wish I was the one
Speaker 1: to make the choice, and he was like, Sis, I
Speaker 1: made the choice for you. I was, except I was
Speaker 1: accepting of that, and I was okay with that. That's
Speaker 1: why it made it that much easier for me to
Speaker 1: support you through this process, um and also to just
Speaker 1: looking at how greatly I know it's already um affecting
Speaker 1: you know, our men mental when it comes to our
Speaker 1: sex life and us trying to say, all right, we're
Speaker 1: done with kids. I know that I'm not going to
Speaker 1: have to go through the whole gamut of getting pregnant,
Speaker 1: being pregnant, postpartum, recovering, then you know, the post postpartum process. Gentlemen,
Speaker 1: My my wife disclosed something to me a couple of
Speaker 1: years ago that I never I never even thought about,
Speaker 1: and I was just like, yo, why why is sex
Speaker 1: like to you sometimes so daunting? And she was like,
Speaker 1: you know, if I'm not on birth control, my concern
Speaker 1: sometimes being if if I get pregnant, and I was like, yo,
Speaker 1: you know, I never really thought because in my mind
Speaker 1: as a man sometimes like if you get pregning, you're pregnant.
Speaker 1: We married, we're making money, we're doing good. But I'm
Speaker 1: not thinking like that. Your body literally has to go
Speaker 1: through that for ten months and then another ten months
Speaker 1: of recovery after that. That's a long time for a
Speaker 1: woman to put all of her life on the hole
Speaker 1: getting her body back do all that other stuff. And
Speaker 1: I started to realize that, you know, as a young man,
Speaker 1: you don't think about it, but then when your wife
Speaker 1: is honest and say, it's hard for me to get
Speaker 1: excited about sex because I have to also worry am
Speaker 1: I going to get pregnant this time? I think everybody's
Speaker 1: been there where they're just like on their period, watch
Speaker 1: like shot Hope on Flow show up this time because
Speaker 1: he was a little reckless. You know, everyone, I'm sure
Speaker 1: it has been in a position like that, UM, And
Speaker 1: it doesn't allow you to fully just be in those
Speaker 1: moments sometimes when there's like something in the back of
Speaker 1: your mind that you're concerned or anxious or worried about UM.
Speaker 1: But it was necessary for me. I feel like now
Speaker 1: that we both decided, all right, we're done. Um, the
Speaker 1: timeline kind of went like this. So on a Tuesday,
Speaker 1: after getting some blood work results back two weeks prior
Speaker 1: that showed that my hemoglobin was now low and it
Speaker 1: was a direct impact of having the i u D.
Speaker 1: And the doctor confirmed that. When I went to see
Speaker 1: her on this Tuesday, UM, I said, Sis, I'm about
Speaker 1: to take this i u D out. So she laughed
Speaker 1: and she said, oh, did how we get the vasectomy?
Speaker 1: And I said, he's going on Thursday? And she said, oh,
Speaker 1: you know it's not instantaneous, right, I said, I know.
Speaker 1: So what I'm gonna need you to do is give
Speaker 1: me thing just to make sure that I'm protected for
Speaker 1: this temporary moment about six eight weeks, because sperm count
Speaker 1: will decrease gradually after a vasectomy. But doctors recommend having
Speaker 1: your urologists test the specimen once or six weeks and
Speaker 1: then again at a week. Right, and they're get they're
Speaker 1: they're giving more or less twenty to ejaculations. Yeah, so
Speaker 1: you got work to do between. We got work to do,
Speaker 1: but in the meantime. But in the meantime, you probably
Speaker 1: might have twenty in less than eight weeks. I'm sure
Speaker 1: anything we break down the man three to four songs
Speaker 1: we times a week in eight weeks, yeah, that'll put
Speaker 1: you at two and those eight weeks exactly. So um,
Speaker 1: I said, please, like, what are my options because the
Speaker 1: last thing I really wanted to do is put another
Speaker 1: form of contraceptive into my body. But I also just
Speaker 1: know how de valid I are, And I said, you
Speaker 1: know what, you know we're supposed to be going on
Speaker 1: a little trip soon. Yeah, I said, let me make
Speaker 1: sure that I take that into account. So she recommended
Speaker 1: to me the mini pill because it's not estrogen and
Speaker 1: progessed your own. It's just progess her own. And if
Speaker 1: you take at the same time every day, it's percent
Speaker 1: effective and at least will hold me over and make
Speaker 1: sure that I'm good until you're good. And for me,
Speaker 1: it was just the onus that I wanted to take
Speaker 1: on myself to say, Okay, Devout is taking this step
Speaker 1: for me. The reciprocity in the relationship was Kadin had
Speaker 1: the four children. Great now Devout is taking this step
Speaker 1: to make sure that now I can rid my body
Speaker 1: of any toxins that I can then pour into him
Speaker 1: sexually the way he needs me to, because I'll just
Speaker 1: feel like myself again. I just have not felt like
Speaker 1: myself well sexually in a long time. I will say this, though,
Speaker 1: you already have poured more into our sex life over
Speaker 1: the last couple of years, even dealing with all of
Speaker 1: that stuff, which was also another reason why for me
Speaker 1: was easy to make that decision, right because we you know,
Speaker 1: you know, we have a book coming out Shameless Plug
Speaker 1: We Over Me Robs February seven, pre artist available now.
Speaker 1: But Conin is constantly thinking about me, right, and I'm
Speaker 1: constantly thinking about her. So when I look at the
Speaker 1: way our lives have gone, and we've talked so much
Speaker 1: about sex and the issues we've had with sex, so
Speaker 1: that get to the point now where we have such
Speaker 1: a better sex life, it was just only made sense
Speaker 1: for me to do what I can do in my
Speaker 1: part to make our sex life even better, you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. So a lot of times men feel
Speaker 1: like that if you get a sect me, you lost,
Speaker 1: or women don't feel like what you Your man gotta
Speaker 1: a sect me, you won? You once sweet hard It's like, no,
Speaker 1: we both win when we make decisions for each other.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, because right now it was
Speaker 1: about to be pussy on demand nuts heal up. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying. We don't got to worry about
Speaker 1: none of that stuff. Um, we don't have to work,
Speaker 1: first of all. And I don't want to say this
Speaker 1: and sound negatively, right, but when you have to consistently
Speaker 1: worry about when you're gonna have a child or not,
Speaker 1: that's hard to get into a mode sexually. And Kadina
Speaker 1: and I don't like condoms, right. This is not a
Speaker 1: thing where it's like, oh, well, why don't you just
Speaker 1: wear a condom? Or Devout don't like wearing condoms because
Speaker 1: they don't like wearing condoms neither. Well, she don't like
Speaker 1: what I wear condoms either. So for us, it's like,
Speaker 1: let's do what we can to make sure that we
Speaker 1: have the most vibrant sex life and we can swing
Speaker 1: from the chandeliers and I have to focus on it.
Speaker 1: But we love our children. It's just a thing too.
Speaker 1: Where As a man, your wife goes into a heavy
Speaker 1: period every three weeks, you wake up and she's like, dang,
Speaker 1: I'm bled through. And she said she should send me
Speaker 1: pictures that she felt uncomfortable, like it would just be
Speaker 1: so much blood and I'm like, that's not healthy. It
Speaker 1: really just isn't healthy to have a foreign object in
Speaker 1: your body causing you to lose blood at a faster
Speaker 1: rate than what is naturally supposed to happen. And then
Speaker 1: all of the things happened to your body. It was
Speaker 1: just like no, like I gotta do this. Yeah, And
Speaker 1: it's crazy, like you talk about men not talking about
Speaker 1: vasectomies often. I was, just, for example, away on a
Speaker 1: batch threat weekend for a friend of mine who's getting married,
Speaker 1: and you know, women kind of get together and it's
Speaker 1: crazy how at our age the conversations is so different
Speaker 1: than we were in our twenties because this is my
Speaker 1: friend's second marriage. But um, you know, speaking to another
Speaker 1: young lady who was just like had to have it
Speaker 1: his direct to me because after she has five children,
Speaker 1: and she said, after five children, her uterus just never
Speaker 1: went back down to size and she just naturally bleeds
Speaker 1: more now because her universe is kind of like stretching out,
Speaker 1: you know, a par of leggings for example, and eventually
Speaker 1: it's never gonna go back down. You know, it's smaller,
Speaker 1: but it's still not the same as it was pre
Speaker 1: babies or after one baby. So in general, she just
Speaker 1: had to have it his direct to me because after
Speaker 1: taking out her power guard because of all the then
Speaker 1: her uter is just being bigger. She was just losing
Speaker 1: more blood because of that, and had to have his
Speaker 1: direct to me. So those conversations are being had, and
Speaker 1: particularly amongst black men and women, if we talk more
Speaker 1: about it, yeah, and more often. I think our generation
Speaker 1: is making sure that we're having those. It shouldn't even
Speaker 1: be uncomfortable conversation, but they kind of can start that way.
Speaker 1: But if you have you know, you feel comfortable in
Speaker 1: certain circles to speak about it, it can really be helpful.
Speaker 1: It's it's difficult from in because oftentimes we feel emasculated.
Speaker 1: You know what. It was just like, oh, you have
Speaker 1: affected me. Why your wife made you get a sect me?
Speaker 1: Because the thing where it's like no man volunteers to
Speaker 1: have a a secting me, right, So you had to
Speaker 1: do it because it was something your wife wanted you
Speaker 1: to do. That's the thought process behind it. And I'm
Speaker 1: here to speak on that not being the case because
Speaker 1: I can tell you right now, if I told Aden
Speaker 1: that I didn't want to have a a secting me.
Speaker 1: She probably would have found no, she definitely would have
Speaker 1: found another way for us to use protection so that
Speaker 1: we can continue our sex life the way it was.
Speaker 1: But for me, it was just it was it was me.
Speaker 1: I empowered myself to be like, no, if I can
Speaker 1: do this little procedure, and I did ask questions. I said,
Speaker 1: this is my not gonna be the same, it's the
Speaker 1: consistency gonna be the same. Am I gonna lose testosterone?
Speaker 1: You know? And I was just like watery, I didn't
Speaker 1: want I didn't want watery nut Like, no, I know
Speaker 1: you don't, even though it help you hydrate. I was
Speaker 1: thinking like it was it's the most elementary thought in mindset.
Speaker 1: But when you don't ask questions, you don't get answered.
Speaker 1: So I asked my boys, I asked the doctor. He
Speaker 1: sat down with me for about forty five minutes and
Speaker 1: explained everything would be exactly the same, and I felt
Speaker 1: comfortable making a decision. Um, it is a finite feeling,
Speaker 1: Like I look at my four boys and I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's it. I'm not going to have any more children.
Speaker 1: But let me tell you that the best part about
Speaker 1: this past weekend, I had to refectory. We had the issue,
Speaker 1: you know, at the emergency room, and we'll talk about
Speaker 1: that on the next podcast. But then on the Saturday,
Speaker 1: Jackson went out, had eight yards, Russian almost returned to kick,
Speaker 1: had a touchdown, had two pp us, and I'm like,
Speaker 1: that's my I created that, you know. Then Cairo the
Speaker 1: following day has six touchdowns, you know, capture four flags
Speaker 1: and flag football and they won their game. And it's like,
Speaker 1: I have so much to be thankful for and grateful
Speaker 1: with the children I have. I can't sit here and
Speaker 1: think about the children I may possibly would have had
Speaker 1: if I never had the vasecting me. You know what
Speaker 1: I'm saying, Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think it was pretty
Speaker 1: When I look back on it, it's kind of foolish
Speaker 1: of me to be like, oh my god, I'm just
Speaker 1: like both of us, but yeah, we were both kind
Speaker 1: of just like, oh my god, there's these kids out
Speaker 1: there that we're not going to have, you know. But
Speaker 1: you know, but I think it was just us embracing
Speaker 1: the final feeling in that moment, you know, we just
Speaker 1: both had to just say, Okay, this is really it,
Speaker 1: because we just love our kids. So much, and I'm like, shoot,
Speaker 1: if I could, I probably would have like ten kids.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying, because we love them so
Speaker 1: much and they're such a light in our life. But
Speaker 1: how would you say you were feeling mentally? Like before
Speaker 1: and after you did like a mental prep that you
Speaker 1: feel like you had to have going into it. I mean,
Speaker 1: you have mental forward to through the roof. So I
Speaker 1: wasn't as worried about you, but mentally I wasn't well.
Speaker 1: Once I make a decision about things and then I
Speaker 1: do my research, there's never a lot of back and forth.
Speaker 1: Once you make a decision, you you follow through with
Speaker 1: the decision that you deal with of a consequences happened afterwards.
Speaker 1: I'm not the type of person that goes back and forth.
Speaker 1: So I just felt comfortable. I felt confident. Plus, um,
Speaker 1: it was just it was the commitment that you made
Speaker 1: to me for four children, three of them natural, two
Speaker 1: at home, after having a child and almost losing you.
Speaker 1: It was like, you made your commitment, right, I gotta
Speaker 1: make my commitment. And then on top of that, you've
Speaker 1: been making such a great commitment sexually to make sure
Speaker 1: that we are good in our space, and it was
Speaker 1: just like I can't wait to give you that that
Speaker 1: freedom of your mind to where it was like, let's
Speaker 1: go have fun and I don't have to worry about anything.
Speaker 1: I don't have to worry about taking a pill. I
Speaker 1: don't have to worry about checking for strings afterwards. You
Speaker 1: don't have to say, babe, calm down. I can feel
Speaker 1: like I felt like this is going to open us
Speaker 1: up sexually in a completely different way because I remember
Speaker 1: when you took the well when it got knocked out
Speaker 1: the first time, and it was like, well, let's try
Speaker 1: to have a fourth baby. I remember how free you
Speaker 1: were sexually then because we were trying to have a
Speaker 1: baby and you were freaking off. It was like yeah,
Speaker 1: So it was like there was no limitations. I felt
Speaker 1: like it right. So so I have a question for you,
Speaker 1: like what what made you get to that point? And
Speaker 1: we haven't talked about sex in a while. We typically
Speaker 1: do our second episode every year as a sex episode,
Speaker 1: and we talked a lot about our problems with sex,
Speaker 1: and I feel like we got to a point over
Speaker 1: the last I think three years where sex hasn't been
Speaker 1: the problem. So we haven't really had that many sex episodes.
Speaker 1: How did you get to the point where you were like,
Speaker 1: I think I figured out what what I need to
Speaker 1: do or what you needed to do, right, And this
Speaker 1: is like you mean prevoseective. Yeah, I just, to be
Speaker 1: quite honest, I just got tired of us being in
Speaker 1: the same space, knowing that there were so many things
Speaker 1: that I could control to make things better for us
Speaker 1: that I just was neglecting to do, and then we
Speaker 1: would end up in these you know, bad and forth
Speaker 1: discussions about the same ship, and there was just no change.
Speaker 1: And I think in part it was me just knowing
Speaker 1: like ship, like, Okay, we may potentially have another kid,
Speaker 1: so it's just like that that just looming over my
Speaker 1: head knowing to also to like I was still on
Speaker 1: some sort of birth control, so that was looming over
Speaker 1: my head. But I also felt like, man like de
Speaker 1: Val just deserves to enjoy me, and we deserve to
Speaker 1: enjoy each other in a space where we just don't
Speaker 1: have any limitations, that we can just do whatever we
Speaker 1: want to each other sexually and not have to feel
Speaker 1: the repercussions of having to worry. I mean, you've busted
Speaker 1: your tail to make sure that I was in a
Speaker 1: space where I'm comfortable in this house, like we don't
Speaker 1: have anything to worry about. You've taken so much worry
Speaker 1: and so much of my everyday um concerns off of
Speaker 1: my plate. That I was just like, I just have
Speaker 1: to do my part, and I could be better able
Speaker 1: at doing my part if I am fully just green
Speaker 1: again you know nothing in my body, um, and if
Speaker 1: you're willing to do this for our family and for
Speaker 1: us and for our relationship and for our sex life.
Speaker 1: And you found out the benefits to of just Prostate
Speaker 1: Health Act after um that ship, Like, now is the
Speaker 1: time for us to really just turn up, Like all
Speaker 1: of those things that I've been promising you and and
Speaker 1: just not fulfilling, Now is the time to do it
Speaker 1: because we have a space to do it. You're saying,
Speaker 1: there's just a moment of accountability, like they really was,
Speaker 1: And this is this is this is going to sound crazy,
Speaker 1: but I do think that this is important for people
Speaker 1: to hear. Like, if you want a woman to be
Speaker 1: open sexually, you have to try to remove as much
Speaker 1: stress from her life as possible. Right, it's hard for
Speaker 1: a woman to you guys are built different than us.
Speaker 1: When I'm stressed, and when a man is stressed, we
Speaker 1: look for a release, right, So it's like, then I
Speaker 1: want to fuck right. For women, when you're stressed, it's
Speaker 1: not the same, it's not the same thing. You're not
Speaker 1: thinking about having a sexual release. For man, it is.
Speaker 1: So I felt like, for me, if I remove as
Speaker 1: many of the stresses away from you, you know, having
Speaker 1: your mom and dad here to help us, making sure
Speaker 1: you don't have to work full time. Of course, everybody
Speaker 1: can't provide that for that woman, but I felt like
Speaker 1: for me, being able to provide that would put you
Speaker 1: in a a sense of peace so that you can
Speaker 1: be open absolutely. And that's another reason why it was
Speaker 1: difficult for me to continue to have excuses. Like I
Speaker 1: was tired of just having excuses. I'm like, my husband's
Speaker 1: doing everything in his power to make sure that i'm good.
Speaker 1: Like I can't complain about being tired, because why I
Speaker 1: have help with kids, like you know, and those things,
Speaker 1: just like human things happen and we get tired. I'm
Speaker 1: just like, enough with the excuses. I need to make
Speaker 1: sure that my husband is taken care of if he
Speaker 1: wants to be monogamous with me, And that's the same
Speaker 1: thing I'm requesting from him. I have to make sure
Speaker 1: that I'm doing my part, and I wasn't doing my part.
Speaker 1: I can admit that I wasn't. Um well, that's that's
Speaker 1: I mean, that's that's honest to say. Though you know
Speaker 1: how many women won't say that I just wasn't doing
Speaker 1: my part because it's easy for because we we see
Speaker 1: it all the time on social media. People listen on podcasts,
Speaker 1: the first thing they will say was, what she gave
Speaker 1: you three whole boys at the time, we had three
Speaker 1: whole boys, or Caneine is tired. And even when you
Speaker 1: you know, even when people would say, well, de Val
Speaker 1: is a very active father, Becaunin doesn't have to work
Speaker 1: full time, like why she's so tired? They were still like,
Speaker 1: but now she don't have to and it's like no.
Speaker 1: At some point, as a woman, if you require monogamy,
Speaker 1: there's a responsibility to take care of your partner's sexual needs.
Speaker 1: But that's how I felt with the vasectomy. If I'm
Speaker 1: requiring you to be monogamous, I have to take care
Speaker 1: of your sexual health, right so we literally, in this moment,
Speaker 1: we're taking care of you to each other. You see
Speaker 1: what I'm saying. That's the biggest thing. It's like you
Speaker 1: were like, you know what, I have to do better
Speaker 1: to take care of my husband, And I said, you know,
Speaker 1: I gotta get a sectomy, because if it's going to
Speaker 1: help take care of my wife's sexual health, she's not
Speaker 1: bleeding consistently, she don't have periods too often, she don't
Speaker 1: have to worry about something far in her body. I
Speaker 1: have to be accountable. So what's funny how couples, when
Speaker 1: they start to use accountability as a way to be
Speaker 1: better for their partner, can grow together. As opposed to
Speaker 1: looking the place you see what I'm saying, As opposed
Speaker 1: to you saying de value not doing this and me
Speaker 1: saying what, Kadine, you weren't doing that, we just said,
Speaker 1: you know what, I'm responsible to do this. And now
Speaker 1: look at where we are for sure, And I just
Speaker 1: I got tired of trying to find reasons, to find,
Speaker 1: you know, excuses to not be what you needed for me,
Speaker 1: for what what you needed me to be for you.
Speaker 1: I should say, um, that just gets exhausting. And at
Speaker 1: this point I'm just like yo, I just I feel
Speaker 1: like we were putting in an uncomfortable space for a while.
Speaker 1: And now you know how you're in that uncomfortable space
Speaker 1: and you feel like it's going to be some growth
Speaker 1: from it. I just feel like there are a lot
Speaker 1: of aspects of my life where I've been feeling really
Speaker 1: uncomfortable lately. Um, And that kind of probably be a
Speaker 1: whole another episode, but um, and I've been very to
Speaker 1: cut you off. Can you just give an example. I
Speaker 1: just want to hear it, like, I just want to
Speaker 1: hear yeah, Like, I've just been feeling very uncomfortable, very uneasy,
Speaker 1: very anxious about a lot of areas in my life
Speaker 1: where you are, where I am, purpose where I'm going.
Speaker 1: And I think what triggered this for me is this
Speaker 1: knowing that we're done with children. It's almost as if
Speaker 1: I'm stepping into another phase of life. I'm trying to
Speaker 1: regain who Codein is. I'm trying to reclaim who Codein is.
Speaker 1: I'm trying to rediscuss for who Kardine is, because with
Speaker 1: each child, with each year that passes, I felt really unrecognizable,
Speaker 1: like I didn't recognize myself, let me tell you, And
Speaker 1: it's hard for me to show up for you and
Speaker 1: I don't even know what the funk I am. I'm
Speaker 1: going to tell you why that one. That's profound. Right
Speaker 1: as a man, I've never in my life I thought
Speaker 1: about kids stopping or starting any point of my life. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what I'm saying. That's that's and and and
Speaker 1: hearing you say that, it's kind of kind of like
Speaker 1: ding light bulb. Even now, even though we talk often,
Speaker 1: right because when we when we have these podcasts, it
Speaker 1: still is a way for discovery. But I'm hearing you
Speaker 1: say with every aspect of your life, you had to think, Okay,
Speaker 1: I gotta I'm gonna have a child, so this is
Speaker 1: gonna stop, and I'm gonna have to start this over.
Speaker 1: As a man, I've never had to think about that.
Speaker 1: It was over having a child. I'm gonna just go
Speaker 1: harder while my wife is going through this to make sure.
Speaker 1: But I never have to stop anything. That downtime fox
Speaker 1: with you because you're like, shoot, I was on my
Speaker 1: way to doing this, but now I'm gonna have to stop, reset,
Speaker 1: get my body that do this, do the third And
Speaker 1: it's just like with each child, there's more responsibility. There's
Speaker 1: one more person that you have to take into account.
Speaker 1: There's one more person to have to care for, and
Speaker 1: that ship is exhausting, and then you know, we talked
Speaker 1: about women losing themselves in in motherhood and in relationships
Speaker 1: and stuff like that. But for me, it was more
Speaker 1: than that. It was just like I just really was
Speaker 1: feeling like I need this is a growth period for me,
Speaker 1: so I really need to investigate how can I take
Speaker 1: accountability for the different ways I've shown up or not
Speaker 1: shown up? And not just my relationship with you, but
Speaker 1: as a mom, as a sister, as a friend, as
Speaker 1: a as a you know client, for example, to my manager,
Speaker 1: like how am I not being productive enough? Um? How
Speaker 1: how am I not you know, walking in the path
Speaker 1: that I know is for me? And sometimes I don't
Speaker 1: even know what that path is because I had to rediscover.
Speaker 1: So I'm going through that phase right now. But accountability
Speaker 1: heads help. And that's something that has been an issue
Speaker 1: for my family, my immediate family, like just growing, Like
Speaker 1: no one wants to be accountable for any thing, because
Speaker 1: there's this pursuit of perfection that we have to be
Speaker 1: everything to everyone and to be that perfect person. And
Speaker 1: when you don't feel like you're on that path and
Speaker 1: you're not doing it the way that you should be
Speaker 1: doing it, you know it becomes to be a lot
Speaker 1: and you want to, you know, to put you want
Speaker 1: to do the drake, you know, but then it's just like, wait,
Speaker 1: how can I reclaim my life? And it starts with
Speaker 1: me being accountable in so many different aspects. So it
Speaker 1: was a lot of tough moments for me being like, damn,
Speaker 1: I I can't expect this from my son. For example,
Speaker 1: if I'm not leading by that example, or are seeing
Speaker 1: us seeing something that my son exhibits, that's something in
Speaker 1: myself that I don't like, or something that I'm trying
Speaker 1: to work on, or something that's handered. Yeah, it's handered
Speaker 1: me from progress. And it's just like damn kitting. Now
Speaker 1: you have to get to the root of why you
Speaker 1: can't be an example to your son, because what I
Speaker 1: would hate for is one of my sons to come
Speaker 1: to me one day and say, well, Mom, you say
Speaker 1: this is that in the third but you don't do that,
Speaker 1: And I just don't want to be that parent. I
Speaker 1: don't want to be that person. So having kids and
Speaker 1: watching your kids exhibit behavior that it's similar to you
Speaker 1: showed you where you needed to be more accountable, and
Speaker 1: that led you to being more accountable as a wife
Speaker 1: in every aspect of life and I'm still working on it.
Speaker 1: So having kids made you a better wife, because having
Speaker 1: kids definitely made me a better father. For I'm not
Speaker 1: even gonna like our attention to detail now, like ship
Speaker 1: life is crazy, scheduled to hectic and stuff like that,
Speaker 1: But I was meant to be a mom and wife
Speaker 1: like I know that. So the crazy part is we
Speaker 1: had this conversation and remember that it was the saying
Speaker 1: I just came up what it was even saying. But
Speaker 1: pretty much, what's harder than being accountable and what's harder
Speaker 1: then watching yourself watching all your insecurities happen, is watching
Speaker 1: your children exhibit the same insecurities you have because you
Speaker 1: projected it on them. That to me is what tried
Speaker 1: to what made me want to be a better husband,
Speaker 1: because I said, my sons have to watch me. I
Speaker 1: don't want my sons to have the fears I have
Speaker 1: or exhibit the bad behavior that I have that I
Speaker 1: know I have, so I have to move better so
Speaker 1: that they can move better and live better. So it
Speaker 1: kind of forced me to be more accountable. And I'm
Speaker 1: hearing you say this now because Kadina and I do
Speaker 1: talk a lot about each other, but sometimes we have
Speaker 1: these conversations mid podcasts that was like, wow, we haven't
Speaker 1: talked about that, and even even you saying now, like
Speaker 1: you just realize you just needed to be a better wife.
Speaker 1: You don't hear a lot of women say that, And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna honestly say that as a man. You may
Speaker 1: get some I may get some flat for it, but
Speaker 1: I don't give a fuck. We live in a time
Speaker 1: now where everyone is looking to point the finger at
Speaker 1: someone else. So to hear a woman say, now, I
Speaker 1: just realized I needed to just be better and not
Speaker 1: give any excuses, And to say you got tired of
Speaker 1: hearing your own excuses and hearing wise is like because
Speaker 1: you saw your sons and if they make an excuse
Speaker 1: that you wouldn't want to hear, You'd be like, damn
Speaker 1: where they get that from? Because honestly, it just wasn't
Speaker 1: making sense anymore. Like I couldn't even justify half the
Speaker 1: ship what I was saying, Like, think about it. When
Speaker 1: we've had these discussions, sometimes you're just sitting there, You're like,
Speaker 1: why are you why aren't you saying anything? And I'm
Speaker 1: just like, bro, like I'm excused out, like, I like,
Speaker 1: what more can I say in this moment? And ship?
Speaker 1: It might be even selfish on my part. I got
Speaker 1: just tired of talking about the same ship over and over,
Speaker 1: and I'm like, why are you talking about this? Because
Speaker 1: you know what you're supposed to do. That's why we're
Speaker 1: having this conversation again, you know. And one thing device
Speaker 1: gonna do is hold me accountable, and that's what I need. Um.
Speaker 1: So yeah, I've kind of just employed that in different
Speaker 1: aspects of my life now. So I'm interested to see
Speaker 1: how Candeine unfolds over the next couple of months and
Speaker 1: years because I feel like who I'm meant to be
Speaker 1: um now that I have my children and told and
Speaker 1: I have my husband, and you know, my career hasn't
Speaker 1: even seen the heights or the potential that it has.
Speaker 1: You just get. It's in part because I just self
Speaker 1: that self sabotaging away because I'm like, I know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna have to stop and come back. I know I'm
Speaker 1: gonna have to stop and come back, but then no
Speaker 1: one's stopping it now. That's and to be honest, that's
Speaker 1: why I was excited about this vasectomy, you know, to
Speaker 1: watch you unfold and now I'm excited to unfold them legs.
Speaker 1: Period and I ain't got to worry about nine coming
Speaker 1: out period. And then I mean, the most I worry
Speaker 1: about is a period. But it's not gonna be as
Speaker 1: bad as it's been, because who wants to have a
Speaker 1: period every like for every one to twenty two days
Speaker 1: as long as hell? And oh it's just embarrassing moments
Speaker 1: like nobody gets time for that at all. So, um,
Speaker 1: two more facts about vasecto music case you're considering it
Speaker 1: or wondering. Doctors say that vasectomys should be considered permanent,
Speaker 1: but there's always ways to reverse them. So if you
Speaker 1: decide you want to change your mind and go back,
Speaker 1: go back, ain't nobody going back in. You cut me
Speaker 1: one time, one time and another that's it. You ain't
Speaker 1: cutting two times. And if the reversal is within ten
Speaker 1: years of the vasectomy, the success rate is about sixty,
Speaker 1: but after fifteen years it can drop to half. About
Speaker 1: decide within ten years if you have a vasectomy, you
Speaker 1: want to get it reversed. All right, y'all think this
Speaker 1: is a good little spot, um to take a break.
Speaker 1: But before we go into a break, um, One of
Speaker 1: the questions on the rundown was have we shared this
Speaker 1: information with friends and family and what do they think
Speaker 1: about the choice. You were on the fence about sharing
Speaker 1: whether or not you do you know why you were
Speaker 1: debating it, um I was. I was on defense about
Speaker 1: sharing it because I feel like when you become a
Speaker 1: public figure, right, people use your experiences as an example
Speaker 1: as to why other people should follow right, And I
Speaker 1: made my decision for my own personal reasons. I would
Speaker 1: never want anyone else to say to another guy, well,
Speaker 1: you should do it because Devou did it. You know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying the same way, the same way when
Speaker 1: we talk about the sex episodes and you talk about
Speaker 1: some of the things that you do for me sexually.
Speaker 1: I don't ever want a man to try to gaslight
Speaker 1: their wife and be like, well, Codean does this. You
Speaker 1: know what I'm saying, Like like I I get approached
Speaker 1: from men all the time when we're at the airpoint,
Speaker 1: like why you'd be saying all that night about your wife?
Speaker 1: All the time my wife was saying, how come you
Speaker 1: don't talk to me about this. I don't ever want
Speaker 1: anyone to use, especially something as serious as if a
Speaker 1: sect to me or use me as an example as well.
Speaker 1: Devo did it, so you should do it. So I
Speaker 1: was kind of on the edge on the order about sharing,
Speaker 1: but I felt comfortable sharing because I felt like it
Speaker 1: would be important for men to hear my reasons and
Speaker 1: also to hear the advantages of how it helped us,
Speaker 1: both sexually but also spiritually, because now spiritually you don't
Speaker 1: have to worry about what if I get pregnant. You
Speaker 1: can focus on where you want to take your life
Speaker 1: as an individual, right and and people don't realize that
Speaker 1: when you have someone that oh and I never realized that,
Speaker 1: when you have someone that's like, okay, I can start this,
Speaker 1: but saying if if we have another baby, then that's
Speaker 1: gonna set me back two years. I don't ever have
Speaker 1: to think about that. You know how hard that is
Speaker 1: for someone spiritually to restart over and over again, very trying.
Speaker 1: So for me it was just like, I want to
Speaker 1: share this with gentlemen if they're considering it to hear
Speaker 1: other reasons other than you know what I'm saying, Well,
Speaker 1: your wife had kids, is your turn, because that's typically
Speaker 1: what you always here. Your wife had babies, she had
Speaker 1: a baby. You can have a procedure. Yeah, it's like
Speaker 1: that's that can never be an excuse, especially with the
Speaker 1: divorce rates being so high. You want to You never
Speaker 1: want to do something so permanent, right, and then what
Speaker 1: if it don't work out, because then he gonna be like,
Speaker 1: I gotta for you. You ain't going nowhere, And it's
Speaker 1: like no one wants to hear that, right, So it's like,
Speaker 1: make sure you make your own reasons. You've heard my reasons.
Speaker 1: You know. I had my own personal reasons sexually. I
Speaker 1: also had my own reasons for doing it for my
Speaker 1: wife health wise, so it was like, just create more
Speaker 1: peace in my home. So that's why I chose to share,
Speaker 1: and I hope it helps someone else create more peace
Speaker 1: in their home. Yeah, for sure. I know. There's also
Speaker 1: like an age range where they like, for example, if
Speaker 1: a woman is tying her tubes, like the doctors just
Speaker 1: won't tie your tubes before. I think it's like thirty
Speaker 1: five because sometimes you may be going through a rough patch.
Speaker 1: You like that because I can't, and then you just
Speaker 1: independent in a situation where you're just like ship like
Speaker 1: I wish I could have the baby right now, and
Speaker 1: which I've heard that some versions of the tube relegation
Speaker 1: is um reversible. Yeah, but I don't know what their
Speaker 1: rates are for that in terms of effectiveness. Okay, all right,
Speaker 1: now it's a good time to take a little break.
Speaker 1: We have to list of letters that we always like
Speaker 1: to dive into you. So let's go pay some bills
Speaker 1: and we will come right back. All right, I'll go first.
Speaker 1: You know, I'm saying, since I had second you know
Speaker 1: what I'm saying, I'm gonna keep throwing at it every time.
Speaker 1: You know how cage you're throw to me. I had
Speaker 1: three whole boys. That's gonna be my saying. Now every
Speaker 1: time fo whole boys, every time she asked me about something,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like, you can get me a bear.
Speaker 1: I'm thirsty Thursday. I'll just throw it out there whatever
Speaker 1: I can. I'm going first today because because I'm a
Speaker 1: milk it to skim milk it. You know, you see
Speaker 1: how she's so nasty now, like now that she skim milk,
Speaker 1: that's what you call my nut. Now it ain't whole
Speaker 1: milky skim milk. That's hilarious. Well, I'm watching my figure,
Speaker 1: So calorie count, you just let everybody know you swallow. Hey,
Speaker 1: it depends on the day. It's funny to be that
Speaker 1: this mast everyone's like spit sile spce like it depends
Speaker 1: on what they wants. Yeah, yeah, she nasty. This is
Speaker 1: why had to get a refected me. If I ain't
Speaker 1: get a sect. Should be pregnant every other everyally year
Speaker 1: should be pregnant because the other year before that she'd
Speaker 1: be having a baby. But um, let me go to
Speaker 1: listen to letters. So I'm writing in to find out
Speaker 1: how you guys decided you were officially done having kids.
Speaker 1: I just turned thirty years old and I have an
Speaker 1: eleven year old son. I've been with my fiance for
Speaker 1: two and a half years, dating for three and a
Speaker 1: half years. He has two daughters, thirteen and eleven years old,
Speaker 1: from previous relationships. Now that our families are officially blended,
Speaker 1: we have been considering the vasectorm me process. The closer
Speaker 1: we get to our wedding date, I am secretly struggling
Speaker 1: to decide if I really don't want any more kids.
Speaker 1: The thought of not having a child with my husband
Speaker 1: seems strange to me. That's where we were to um
Speaker 1: when we were dating. When we were dating, I got
Speaker 1: pregnant and decided to terminate the pregnancy out of fear
Speaker 1: a child would accelerate our relationship faster than I was ready.
Speaker 1: When we officially got together, I wanted another child, but
Speaker 1: I didn't. Oh, he wanted another Excuse me, he want
Speaker 1: another child, but I didn't. Then when I thought I
Speaker 1: wanted another child, he didn't. We got on the same
Speaker 1: page for the last year and have agreed we are
Speaker 1: both fulfilled with the children we do have. But now
Speaker 1: I'm back to wondering if we are making the right choice.
Speaker 1: Thank you for the help. I think the fact that
Speaker 1: you wish you wash you ain't going back and forth
Speaker 1: probably means that you're not done. I wouldn't have a
Speaker 1: vasect to me if you wish you were. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: wouldn't do it either. Um. That's how Deval and I
Speaker 1: were for between three and four. Actually, it was kind
Speaker 1: of like, all right, we're both one of three kids.
Speaker 1: Three fields normal, three fields natural, But was kind of
Speaker 1: like yeah, but I kind of envisioned like four kids,
Speaker 1: and I was like okay, And then somebody gave me
Speaker 1: the example of just like, well, if they're doubling up
Speaker 1: on the roller coaster, somebody's gonna be right themselves. You know,
Speaker 1: it was just a little funny things like that, But
Speaker 1: I knew deep down that I was not finished. I
Speaker 1: knew deep down. So it's literally a gut feeling that
Speaker 1: you feel, and it's kind of like definitive UM, at
Speaker 1: least for women who have spoken to and like I
Speaker 1: expressed in this podcast episode, I felt that the decision
Speaker 1: was kind of made for me when I was praying
Speaker 1: for UM. I'm praying for a sign and and God
Speaker 1: gave me that. So if you haven't gotten your signances,
Speaker 1: this might be your sign actually that you're not done.
Speaker 1: And I can see that one. And even if you
Speaker 1: have your own child, you know, outside of your your spouse,
Speaker 1: and then he has his own children, like wanting that
Speaker 1: to bond together, having that one child together might be
Speaker 1: the thing that you need. So I would agree for
Speaker 1: for him, for example, if he says that he's done
Speaker 1: having kids, because there are some men who like I,
Speaker 1: don't want any more kids. It's not just women. If
Speaker 1: you're a man who just decided you don't want to
Speaker 1: have any more kids, I think you should speak to
Speaker 1: your spouse about it before you have a v sectomy.
Speaker 1: I would never go and just have a va sectomy
Speaker 1: without telling my spouse. But if you're if you're a man,
Speaker 1: and you decide you don't want to have more kids,
Speaker 1: you want to have ava sector me. It's your body,
Speaker 1: it's your choice, the same way a woman can decide
Speaker 1: whether she wants to terminate a pregnancy or not, whether
Speaker 1: she wants to be on birth control or not. If
Speaker 1: he wants to have a vasectomy, and you guys collectively
Speaker 1: decide that that's the way you want to go do that,
Speaker 1: But it has to be a collective decision Codeina and
Speaker 1: I also talk about I don't even talk about it
Speaker 1: in the book, but I'm telling you y'all gotta read it.
Speaker 1: When y'all read the book, you're going to learn a
Speaker 1: lot about us and the decisions we had to make
Speaker 1: when we were dating, especially as as uh teenagers, self
Speaker 1: decisions and self decisions were made. Were here to talk
Speaker 1: about it, right about it? Yes, be in constant communication
Speaker 1: with each other, and don't make a finite decision like
Speaker 1: a vasectomy until you're sure absolutely all right, Hey they're
Speaker 1: getting a deville. Let me say, I adore you guys,
Speaker 1: thank you. I don't have any married people in my life,
Speaker 1: so I get insight on relationships and it's been truly
Speaker 1: helpful to me. So thank you all for being so honest.
Speaker 1: I'm a thirty year old single woman with a ten
Speaker 1: year old daughter for context, I have a great paying
Speaker 1: job and I'm finishing my degree in political science. I
Speaker 1: am finally at the age in position where I'm ready
Speaker 1: to actually date and settle down. So that has started
Speaker 1: my dating process with a purpose journey. I must say,
Speaker 1: the dating pool is trash, y'all. So we've been hearing um.
Speaker 1: I really want to find the parents of these men
Speaker 1: and ask them what the hell this is. I have
Speaker 1: a list of qualities I look for, and I'm MutS say.
Speaker 1: Devo has shown me the way men should carry themselves.
Speaker 1: I want to be clear, I'm not looking for a
Speaker 1: Devo or comparing every man to Devo. But I listened
Speaker 1: to what Devo says about men and how they operate
Speaker 1: and base my list off of that. I look for
Speaker 1: men that you can handle. Listen some big as us
Speaker 1: to fail over, hey, baby, um. I look for men
Speaker 1: that can handle themselves in the multitude of settings. One
Speaker 1: that has consistent work, work or consistent source of income.
Speaker 1: M A man that has plans for the future, men
Speaker 1: that can effectively communicate and that have the potential to
Speaker 1: lead as some of the main thing. I updated a
Speaker 1: few men over the past two years, and they've all
Speaker 1: lacked one or more of these qualities that I desire.
Speaker 1: We may have great chemistry, but I can't see any
Speaker 1: long term plans with these men. I'll normally say, Okay,
Speaker 1: we are semi young, so we have we are all
Speaker 1: still growing. But by the second X on my list,
Speaker 1: I'm running for the hills. Am expectations too high for
Speaker 1: a man? Or should I stick to the things that
Speaker 1: I require and keep searching the dating pool for what
Speaker 1: I want? I feel if I shortened my list, I
Speaker 1: may be settling because I get older. I'm getting older
Speaker 1: and these eggs will be dust soon. Um please let
Speaker 1: me know what you guys think. Love all It's p S.
Speaker 1: When I saw the opening for the team of the
Speaker 1: first time, I got teary eyed. I've been on this
Speaker 1: journey with you all for years and I'm just so
Speaker 1: proud of Devot and all his accomplishments. You guys a family,
Speaker 1: and I love to see all in Thank you, sis,
Speaker 1: thank you so much. Thanks to celebrate and Devot because
Speaker 1: it's the team, and that show was all him. People
Speaker 1: like to celebrate Devot and I together, but that was all.
Speaker 1: They congratulate me for the team, and I'm like, congratulate him.
Speaker 1: That was all him. So um so thank you for
Speaker 1: that sis. Alright, so Devot, don't I don't settle, Listen,
Speaker 1: I don't ever. I will never in my life tell
Speaker 1: anybody this is too long. No, you know what I wanted.
Speaker 1: I wanted a beautiful woman with a sense of humor,
Speaker 1: with a fat ass, with a pig face, with long
Speaker 1: hair that's funny. And that's what I got, and and
Speaker 1: and and when I think about my life, I didn't
Speaker 1: settle for anything in any aspect of my life. When
Speaker 1: they came to sports, when it came to academia, when
Speaker 1: they came to building my businesses, when it came to
Speaker 1: my TV career, I just never settled. So when people say,
Speaker 1: should I settle off? My list too long? I say no, No.
Speaker 1: If you looked at my list for all the things
Speaker 1: I wanted my life, not just my woman, but where
Speaker 1: I want to live, how I want to live, how
Speaker 1: many kids I wanted, what I wanted to do with
Speaker 1: my life. I've never settled. The idea of settling, to me,
Speaker 1: is a recipe for disaster because the minute you settle,
Speaker 1: and you settle with that person, when you're not getting
Speaker 1: the things that you really desired, you're gonna have resentment
Speaker 1: towards that person. And it's not fair to that person
Speaker 1: that you settled with them. And you know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1: You settled with them, and I was like, you're not
Speaker 1: anything I ever wanted. Well, you chose that, motherfucker. Don't settle.
Speaker 1: Work your ass off and be deliberate about what you
Speaker 1: want until you get it, period for sure. And since
Speaker 1: just make sure that when you have your list of
Speaker 1: things that you're looking for with a man, that you're
Speaker 1: bringing something to the table as well too, because a
Speaker 1: lot of times, okay, one thing we're good for is
Speaker 1: a list. This be good for a list. We're doing
Speaker 1: all these things that we know that we want this
Speaker 1: man to have. And you know you want that build
Speaker 1: a beer man, But since do you have the qualities
Speaker 1: that can match someone who you're trying to pull. Make
Speaker 1: sure that you are deliberate about that as well too,
Speaker 1: because it can be a problem. Okay, no, no, no,
Speaker 1: you're right, I'm looking at you know, I'm looking at
Speaker 1: you know. You're actually right because when I said I
Speaker 1: don't settle and I have my list, right, and I
Speaker 1: thought about all the things I wanted in a woman,
Speaker 1: I definitely said, is the woman that I desire? Does
Speaker 1: the woman that I desire desire me? And if if
Speaker 1: I feel like they don't desire me, I have to
Speaker 1: build myself up to be desirable for the type of
Speaker 1: woman that I want. So you just really touched on something.
Speaker 1: If you have a list, make sure you have a
Speaker 1: list of your own, and then you can put yourself
Speaker 1: in that category be deserving of that. So you definitely
Speaker 1: touched and I didn't touch on that. That was always
Speaker 1: big on settling. But you're absolutely right, right, No, absolutely,
Speaker 1: I mean I agree to like, don't settle at all
Speaker 1: for sure. But in addition to that, just make sure
Speaker 1: that because sometimes you fall into these traps or whatever,
Speaker 1: at least her seeing with dating is that you keep
Speaker 1: talking about you know, many shiped women ship because of
Speaker 1: the type of what we spoke about. This the type
Speaker 1: of person that you're attracting or the type of person
Speaker 1: that you're you know you're ending up with. It. There's
Speaker 1: a similar pattern of these people having the same qualities.
Speaker 1: It's probably because you list sucked up or because you
Speaker 1: know you're looking at the wrong pool of people. So, UM,
Speaker 1: good luck to use this. I'm sure that he's out
Speaker 1: there and in the meantime, says, freeze your eggs. That's
Speaker 1: one piece of advice I have for you. Like that
Speaker 1: was something else that we spoke about the second marriage
Speaker 1: back to rette party, is that we're in an age
Speaker 1: group where women are talking about ship. I'm still single,
Speaker 1: I'm thirty something years old, and you know, I'm considering
Speaker 1: wanted to have children. How is that going to happen
Speaker 1: for me? And then my sister now working in fertility UM,
Speaker 1: she has been giving a lot of insight to the
Speaker 1: friends of mine about what the procedures are. If you
Speaker 1: are one to have children but not quite ready yet
Speaker 1: or don't have a partner, UM, consider freezing your eggs.
Speaker 1: At least they'll be UM in a good space, viable eggs,
Speaker 1: so when you're ready, you can make that happen for yourself.
Speaker 1: So good luck to you. S s all right. If
Speaker 1: you want to be featured as one of our listener letters,
Speaker 1: email us at dead as Advice at gmail. Dot com.
Speaker 1: That's d E A d A S S A D
Speaker 1: V I C E at gmail dot com. Alright, time
Speaker 1: for moment of truth. We're talking to vows vasectomy. What's
Speaker 1: the today's episode going to be called? So we can't
Speaker 1: just call it Devows episode, DeVos e sectomy. We can
Speaker 1: call it these nuts of the Nutcracker. I think it's
Speaker 1: super cute too. That's not it's not going to be
Speaker 1: the name. Well, fine, Um, do you have a moment
Speaker 1: of truth now that you've been the one to experience
Speaker 1: this process and this journey? Um, what do you have
Speaker 1: to say? My My moment of truth in this whole
Speaker 1: process is that I've reached the point where I realized
Speaker 1: that the greater good of my family is more important
Speaker 1: than my needs and my wants. No, I never wanted
Speaker 1: to get a vasectomy. I was afraid of the pain.
Speaker 1: I was afraid of being emasculated because I could no
Speaker 1: longer having kids. But when I look at our family
Speaker 1: in totality, and I look at how it can help
Speaker 1: you health wise, UM, putting the limit on how many
Speaker 1: kids we have so that I can give a certain
Speaker 1: amount of attention to all the kids, but also help
Speaker 1: you spiritually feel like you don't have to worry about
Speaker 1: what's going to be next if you have another child.
Speaker 1: It was so worth it, And if I had to
Speaker 1: do it again the same way, I definitely would do
Speaker 1: it again. I love that. I guess my moment of
Speaker 1: truth is like a thank you to you, UM for
Speaker 1: just seeing me, you know, in this space, because all
Speaker 1: of the vasectomy had nothing really to do with me,
Speaker 1: because I'm not physically going through it. UM, thank you
Speaker 1: for seeing that I was in a space where I
Speaker 1: needed help and for the betterment of my health, for
Speaker 1: the betterment of our relationship, our sex life, and just
Speaker 1: our life in general. Because we're at the age now
Speaker 1: we're concerned about each other's health and how we're able
Speaker 1: to prolong this life together UM from a from a
Speaker 1: health standpoint, UM, from a mental standpoint UM. And we
Speaker 1: just want to continue to grow into whatever greatness we
Speaker 1: have for each other. And I feel like we're at
Speaker 1: a space now where we can just finally say, once
Speaker 1: you get that last test eight weeks from now, ejaculations,
Speaker 1: we're gonna get on that soon as soon as you can.
Speaker 1: But I just I'm just excited to see where this
Speaker 1: next level of life is going to go for us because,
Speaker 1: like I said, I feel like I've been super uncomfortable
Speaker 1: lately with myself and UM, growth is inevitable when I'm
Speaker 1: in a space like this, and I'm just happy that
Speaker 1: I can do it alongside you. Let's fighting back. Here's
Speaker 1: this episode. I love I love you. You know that
Speaker 1: there's no other way to warm your girls, hurt getting
Speaker 1: your It's just I don't know about that. I don't
Speaker 1: know how we took that turn there, but I say
Speaker 1: that in jest. But now I love you, and I
Speaker 1: thank you for always considering me and for seeing me um,
Speaker 1: and I thank you for doing this because you do
Speaker 1: that for me. I feel like you deserve to enjoy
Speaker 1: what's left of our lives together along one and a
Speaker 1: happy sex sex sexually. I want to say we can
Speaker 1: explore each other in different ways now would be great.
Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to that. I can't wait. Let's see
Speaker 1: what season ten and living in twil Alright, y'all be
Speaker 1: sure to follow us on the podcast page. It's dead
Speaker 1: as the podcast and you can find me at Cadena.
Speaker 1: I am and I am devout. And if you're listening
Speaker 1: to Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.
Speaker 1: Dead Ass Baby dead Ass is a production of I
Speaker 1: Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia
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