WEBVTT - I Choose...Not Giving Up On Love with Kaitlyn Bristowe 0:00:01.639 --> 0:00:09.719 You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, everyone, 0:00:10.000 --> 0:00:13.920 welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about 0:00:13.920 --> 0:00:17.319 the choices we make and where they lead us. My 0:00:17.520 --> 0:00:21.000 guest today is someone we all fell in love with 0:00:21.160 --> 0:00:24.760 when she was on the Bachelor and then later when 0:00:24.800 --> 0:00:28.800 she starred as the Bachelorette. Some people say the best 0:00:29.000 --> 0:00:32.760 bachelorette there ever was. Since then, we also got to 0:00:32.800 --> 0:00:35.880 see her dominate on the dance floor when she won 0:00:35.960 --> 0:00:40.560 season twenty nine of Dancing with the Stars Amazing. She's 0:00:40.720 --> 0:00:44.120 founder of her own wine company, Spaden Sparrows, and the 0:00:44.159 --> 0:00:47.960 host of the podcast Off the Vine. Please welcome Caitlin 0:00:48.000 --> 0:00:49.280 Bristow to the podcast. 0:00:49.479 --> 0:00:50.640 Thank you so much for having me. 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:53.920 Thank you for being on the I Choose Me podcast. 0:00:54.000 --> 0:00:56.720 This is so exciting to have you here. I want 0:00:56.720 --> 0:00:59.680 to start by asking you, why are you such a 0:00:59.720 --> 0:01:00.400 bad as. 0:01:02.880 --> 0:01:06.800 They go? Anyone's ever said to me? I Sometimes I 0:01:06.840 --> 0:01:10.200 think I am, and other times I'm like no, If 0:01:10.240 --> 0:01:11.440 I feel like a fraud. 0:01:11.680 --> 0:01:12.440 That's natural. 0:01:13.400 --> 0:01:16.240 I do feel like just like life will put you through. 0:01:16.520 --> 0:01:19.200 You know, life be lifeing sometimes and I feel like 0:01:19.319 --> 0:01:22.400 that only makes you stronger. And I feel like maybe 0:01:23.160 --> 0:01:26.039 a little hint of where I grew up with the 0:01:26.240 --> 0:01:30.240 I grew up mixed with like being I don't know, 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:33.160 chewed up and spat out on a reality TV show 0:01:33.240 --> 0:01:33.560 made me. 0:01:34.760 --> 0:01:37.280 I love that you just you don't give up. I 0:01:37.319 --> 0:01:40.240 think you know, you put it all out there. I 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:44.200 mean even before the reality the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. 0:01:44.840 --> 0:01:47.160 Were you always like this? Were you an outgoing kid? 0:01:47.840 --> 0:01:49.760 You know what's funny? I always think about this. I 0:01:49.960 --> 0:01:55.040 was painfully shy when I was little and I couldn't 0:01:55.080 --> 0:01:57.600 even make eye contact. I couldn't be in like I 0:01:57.680 --> 0:02:01.320 got stage fright and I was a dance her. But 0:02:01.520 --> 0:02:05.120 I don't know what happened. Something switched in high school. 0:02:05.200 --> 0:02:08.280 I remember, like the twelfth grade being like, I'm I'm 0:02:08.320 --> 0:02:12.760 going into being an adult as I thought, but at 0:02:13.280 --> 0:02:18.000 eighteen that was the legal like drinking age in Alberta, 0:02:18.040 --> 0:02:19.400 in Canada where I grew up, So I was like, 0:02:19.440 --> 0:02:21.040 I'm going to be an adult. I have to like 0:02:21.400 --> 0:02:23.680 put myself out there. And I just like changed my 0:02:23.800 --> 0:02:27.440 mindset and I remember being like, just just do what 0:02:27.480 --> 0:02:30.600 you're you think you're scared of, Like nobody cares, nobody's 0:02:30.639 --> 0:02:33.400 looking at you, nobody's staring nobody's thinking anything. It's not 0:02:33.480 --> 0:02:37.560 that deep. And I remember switching my mindset in like 0:02:37.639 --> 0:02:41.359 out of nowhere in the twelfth grade, and then all 0:02:41.400 --> 0:02:44.200 through my twenties, I just remember having this best friend 0:02:44.280 --> 0:02:46.680 who was she was probably seven years older than me, 0:02:46.960 --> 0:02:49.919 and I feel like she just inspired me and she 0:02:50.000 --> 0:02:52.800 didn't give a fuck, and she just lived her life 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:57.239 so authentically and I saw the way she just I 0:02:57.320 --> 0:02:59.960 lived this authentic life and she was just so grounded 0:03:00.080 --> 0:03:02.079 and happy, and I was like, I'm going to learn 0:03:02.080 --> 0:03:03.760 from this woman. And still to this day, she's one 0:03:03.800 --> 0:03:05.280 of my best friends, and I feel like I still 0:03:05.360 --> 0:03:06.760 learn from her, and I. 0:03:06.720 --> 0:03:07.520 Always the best. 0:03:07.800 --> 0:03:09.360 I always trying to give her credit, and she's like, 0:03:09.639 --> 0:03:11.200 you did it, Caitlin, And I was like, kid, can 0:03:11.240 --> 0:03:11.720 you help me? 0:03:12.200 --> 0:03:14.720 That's the best? You said you at eighteen you kind 0:03:14.720 --> 0:03:17.560 of had this epiphany. Did you have any therapy or 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:18.480 prior to that? 0:03:18.800 --> 0:03:21.200 Oh my gosh, I would have been even more advanced. 0:03:21.280 --> 0:03:24.440 I thought. I thought I had it figured out at eighteen. 0:03:25.240 --> 0:03:28.520 Also like a blessing and a curse, because you haven't, 0:03:28.600 --> 0:03:31.680 you know, experienced things at eighteen that you that you're 0:03:31.720 --> 0:03:34.240 going to do. But at nineteen, my world kind of 0:03:34.240 --> 0:03:37.360 got rocked. I lost my best friend and we were 0:03:37.400 --> 0:03:42.480 like sisters and we had attaching fences in our backyards 0:03:42.520 --> 0:03:45.960 and our sisters were best thank you, and our parents 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:48.520 were best friends. And it was just like like a 0:03:48.560 --> 0:03:53.120 pretty big loss for me. And then I went to Vancouver. 0:03:53.200 --> 0:03:56.080 I was living in a very small town in It's 0:03:56.080 --> 0:03:59.640 called the Duke, Alberta in Canada. And I went to 0:03:59.680 --> 0:04:02.960 Vanko because I had gotten a dance scholarship and so 0:04:03.000 --> 0:04:04.720 I was going to dance with this company and do 0:04:04.760 --> 0:04:07.920 some auditions. And I ended up dancing with this company 0:04:07.960 --> 0:04:11.680 and also being a CFL, the Canadian Football League cheerleader, 0:04:12.120 --> 0:04:14.960 and I just would always be like, how would Lindsay 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:17.600 be living her life? Was my friend that past, and 0:04:17.680 --> 0:04:20.880 I feel like I chose to kind of like because 0:04:20.880 --> 0:04:23.039 we were so similar and because we were like sisters, 0:04:23.040 --> 0:04:24.800 I kind of chose to live the way that I 0:04:24.800 --> 0:04:26.720 think she would be proud of and the way she'd 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:28.240 want to live in the way I was inspired to 0:04:28.279 --> 0:04:30.200 live through her. So I feel like that kind of 0:04:30.320 --> 0:04:32.600 rocked my world and set me up for the path 0:04:32.640 --> 0:04:34.920 that I went on. And I ended up staying in Vancouver. 0:04:35.000 --> 0:04:38.640 And if it wasn't for all these little tiny shifts 0:04:38.640 --> 0:04:41.200 in my life that happened nothing. You know, I wouldn't 0:04:41.240 --> 0:04:44.200 be here where I am today. So, like I said, 0:04:44.200 --> 0:04:46.240 like get right at the get go of this podcast, 0:04:46.240 --> 0:04:49.599 it's kind of like when life gets you, that's when 0:04:49.680 --> 0:04:52.320 you you learn that how resilient you are. 0:04:52.160 --> 0:04:54.960 I guess for sure, and you just have to learn 0:04:54.960 --> 0:04:57.200 to listen to your instincts and follow the path that's 0:04:57.640 --> 0:05:01.320 unfolding in front of you. Did you feel like when 0:05:01.320 --> 0:05:05.000 you were a kid you had like you were destined 0:05:05.040 --> 0:05:07.640 for something bigger than what's the name of the time due? 0:05:07.839 --> 0:05:10.719 Yeah, yes, I really did. It was so funny. My 0:05:10.760 --> 0:05:13.080 sister and I could not be more opposite. She's like, 0:05:13.640 --> 0:05:17.640 honestly the loveliest human I've ever met, and she's so selfless. 0:05:17.680 --> 0:05:20.679 And I'm not saying I'm not like she was always 0:05:20.720 --> 0:05:23.440 just craving this life of staying in the small town 0:05:23.839 --> 0:05:27.000 having a family that was just like that is her 0:05:27.040 --> 0:05:30.200 happy place, and I was always like, get me out 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:32.520 of here. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.000 supposed to be there. I felt like I was supposed 0:05:35.040 --> 0:05:37.400 to like when I moved to Vancouver. Still, you know, 0:05:37.440 --> 0:05:39.600 it's kind of it's not massive, but I was like, 0:05:39.680 --> 0:05:41.640 I'm in the big leagues now, like this is a 0:05:41.680 --> 0:05:45.000 big city, and I just I felt like I was 0:05:45.040 --> 0:05:49.960 always called to do like scary things, but to me 0:05:50.040 --> 0:05:53.240 it didn't feel scary, Like going on national television to 0:05:53.279 --> 0:05:54.800 a lot of people would be scary. And I was like, 0:05:55.200 --> 0:05:57.440 I was like, oh, it was a little late, like 0:05:57.480 --> 0:05:59.520 I'm almost thirty, but okay, here we go. Like I 0:05:59.640 --> 0:06:01.839 just I knew something like that was going to be 0:06:02.120 --> 0:06:04.159 in my life. I don't know I do that, but 0:06:04.200 --> 0:06:06.400 I think, you know, women are intuitive, but I also 0:06:06.520 --> 0:06:08.560 just sometimes you just have that feeling like there's a 0:06:08.600 --> 0:06:11.200 reason you asked, right, because sometimes people do have that feeling. 0:06:11.760 --> 0:06:15.360 Yeah, I mean sometimes it's not us. We need somebody 0:06:15.360 --> 0:06:17.760 else to see that potential in us. And for me, 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:21.160 it was my main manager, Randy James, who I met 0:06:21.200 --> 0:06:25.680 when I was I think six fifteen. I'm still with 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:30.719 him today's yeah, we're still together. But like, who is 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:34.160 your biggest cheerleader when you are growing up? Who was 0:06:34.200 --> 0:06:36.440 there to make you take those big swings? 0:06:36.920 --> 0:06:38.880 Yeah it was it was definitely my mom. My mom 0:06:39.040 --> 0:06:42.839 was a professional ballerina her whole life, and so she 0:06:42.960 --> 0:06:44.960 taught me dance she used to have a dance studio, 0:06:45.080 --> 0:06:47.440 and she's kind of beautiful by the way. Oh, and 0:06:47.480 --> 0:06:51.800 she's such a firecracker, Like that looks fun. She is 0:06:51.839 --> 0:06:57.039 so fun, and she's just always been like encouraging to 0:06:57.200 --> 0:06:59.200 kind of like dance at the beat of my own drum. 0:06:59.320 --> 0:07:02.239 She's never told me to follow some sort of path. 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:04.880 I mean, I do think she was very happy that 0:07:04.920 --> 0:07:07.080 the path I was on was like kind of her 0:07:07.160 --> 0:07:10.200 path and she was living vicariously through me, though I 0:07:10.240 --> 0:07:12.920 actually loved doing what I was doing too, So I 0:07:12.920 --> 0:07:16.040 feel like she was always her and my dad they 0:07:16.040 --> 0:07:20.000 were very much like, you know, like they kind of 0:07:20.840 --> 0:07:24.520 always had me believing that I was so unique and 0:07:24.560 --> 0:07:27.080 I needed to follow my own path and Caitlyn's going 0:07:27.120 --> 0:07:30.400 to do what she wants to do, and let's kind 0:07:30.440 --> 0:07:33.280 of like encourage her instead of stop her. They never 0:07:33.360 --> 0:07:35.640 forced me to go to college. I was like, no, 0:07:35.760 --> 0:07:37.560 I'm going to be a dancer, and they kind of 0:07:37.600 --> 0:07:42.280 just they always supported my dreams and my quirkiness. I 0:07:42.320 --> 0:07:44.880 would say, like, I just I feel like they never 0:07:45.160 --> 0:07:47.360 made me feel like I was supposed to be anything 0:07:47.400 --> 0:07:50.520 else but myself, And I feel like that's kind of 0:07:50.720 --> 0:07:54.400 you know, when you just live. Yeah, living true to 0:07:54.440 --> 0:07:56.000 yourself things for a line. 0:07:56.200 --> 0:07:58.720 And that's so cool that your parents were so supportive 0:07:58.760 --> 0:08:02.880 like that. I wanted to ask you, since you've come 0:08:02.920 --> 0:08:06.720 onto the scene, you've always just been authentically you. I 0:08:06.760 --> 0:08:10.440 think that's why so many people are drawn to you. 0:08:10.440 --> 0:08:13.880 You've been really open that. It hasn't always been an 0:08:13.920 --> 0:08:17.040 easy road. I think was when you were in your twenties, 0:08:17.080 --> 0:08:19.680 you said you struggled with an addiction to valium. Can 0:08:19.720 --> 0:08:21.240 you share with us how you got through that. 0:08:22.120 --> 0:08:24.400 Yes, again, that's where my parents will come in. But 0:08:24.640 --> 0:08:29.040 I you know, growing up in my twenties in Vancouver, 0:08:29.720 --> 0:08:31.960 I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get some sort 0:08:32.000 --> 0:08:34.040 of dance gig. I always thought I would be like 0:08:34.400 --> 0:08:39.000 traveling the world as a dancer. And as I went through, 0:08:39.040 --> 0:08:41.240 like you know, twenty to twenty five, I was doing 0:08:41.440 --> 0:08:43.880 the grind. I was living four people in a one 0:08:43.920 --> 0:08:46.959 bedroom apartment, dancing at night, working at a restaurant in 0:08:47.000 --> 0:08:49.880 the day, doing auditions, all of that kind of thing, 0:08:49.920 --> 0:08:54.520 which I'm sure you're familiar with as well. And I 0:08:54.600 --> 0:08:59.120 at twenty five twenty six, you know the old story 0:08:59.120 --> 0:09:02.079 of I met a boy and he was this Canadian 0:09:02.240 --> 0:09:06.679 hockey player, and in my mind, I thought, well, I'll 0:09:06.720 --> 0:09:09.720 just you know, go wherever he goes and he's successful, 0:09:09.760 --> 0:09:12.080 and I'll live his life and that I'll just find 0:09:12.120 --> 0:09:15.079 my own thing to do along the way. And I 0:09:15.120 --> 0:09:23.880 think I completely lost myself to this person. I financially, emotionally, spiritually, 0:09:23.920 --> 0:09:29.120 in every way relied on this one guy and thought, 0:09:29.280 --> 0:09:30.480 you know, this is it for me. I'm going to 0:09:30.520 --> 0:09:33.000 get married, We're going to have a family. And I 0:09:33.040 --> 0:09:34.520 was kind of all over the place with him. We 0:09:34.520 --> 0:09:40.640 were in Winnipeg, Canada, and then Anaheim, and then Newfoundland, Canada, 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:44.120 and then Germany, and I just you know, in Germany, 0:09:44.160 --> 0:09:48.960 I had no friends. The German team, all the wives 0:09:49.040 --> 0:09:52.520 were German. They kind of all had their friends, and 0:09:54.120 --> 0:09:56.880 I thought, you know, I'm going to travel Germany and 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:58.960 I worked two jobs before I went, but I just 0:09:59.000 --> 0:10:03.160 started getting stuck in this little room that we lived in. 0:10:04.200 --> 0:10:06.439 This is so crazy to think back on, but I 0:10:06.480 --> 0:10:09.840 was totally addicted to call of duty like video games. 0:10:10.440 --> 0:10:12.800 Oh my gosh. I never would have thought that. 0:10:14.400 --> 0:10:16.400 It's so funny to think back on because I'm like, oh, 0:10:16.559 --> 0:10:18.800 that poor girl. I just want to go for a 0:10:18.880 --> 0:10:21.240 hug so bad. But I would just sit there and 0:10:21.280 --> 0:10:24.320 I would drink and I would play video games, and 0:10:24.320 --> 0:10:26.360 I would just wait on him to get home from practice, 0:10:26.400 --> 0:10:27.760 and then he'd go on the road and I would 0:10:27.840 --> 0:10:31.160 just sleep all day. And I became shell of myself 0:10:31.160 --> 0:10:33.760 and I couldn't work. And I realized that I am 0:10:33.800 --> 0:10:36.480 such a go getter and I love to do things 0:10:36.520 --> 0:10:38.720 and you know, meet people and all these things, and 0:10:38.760 --> 0:10:43.200 I wasn't doing any of it. And we ended up 0:10:43.200 --> 0:10:45.960 breaking up because he basically looked at me and he 0:10:46.040 --> 0:10:48.760 was like, you are not meant for this life. I 0:10:48.800 --> 0:10:52.200 see how miserable you are. I got very depressed, and 0:10:52.280 --> 0:10:55.200 on top of being very depressed, he left me. And 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:58.720 I had no education, no job, I could not go 0:10:58.800 --> 0:11:01.320 back to dancing, didn't have a dollar to my name, 0:11:01.600 --> 0:11:06.360 I didn't have anywhere to live, and I my whole 0:11:06.360 --> 0:11:09.400 world just felt like it got rocked. Because that also 0:11:09.640 --> 0:11:12.000 it does sound silly, but I know how real it 0:11:12.040 --> 0:11:14.920 is to lose somebody like that is also going through grief. 0:11:15.440 --> 0:11:18.679 And I loved I loved him so much, and so 0:11:18.800 --> 0:11:22.120 my mom said, I'm booking you a flight. She lived 0:11:22.120 --> 0:11:25.200 in Phoenix at the time, and I was I was 0:11:25.240 --> 0:11:29.240 not okay. I was saying very scary things. And she 0:11:29.400 --> 0:11:31.960 picked me up at the airport with my stepdad and 0:11:32.679 --> 0:11:35.480 we didn't even go home. We went straight to a 0:11:35.520 --> 0:11:39.040 walk in clinic and I had to take a bunch 0:11:39.080 --> 0:11:42.720 of tests and paperwork, and you know, you had to. 0:11:42.840 --> 0:11:46.640 It was like a basically a test of how suicidal worried. 0:11:47.520 --> 0:11:50.319 And I had never felt like that in my whole life. 0:11:50.360 --> 0:11:54.240 I was always pretty like fun and outgoing, and I 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:56.800 was just rock bottom. And they put me on without 0:11:56.800 --> 0:11:59.640 even really talking through it. They put me on valum 0:12:00.160 --> 0:12:03.880 and an antidepressant. And when you've never taken anything like 0:12:03.920 --> 0:12:08.080 that before and you start feeling completely numb, that is 0:12:08.200 --> 0:12:13.200 a beautiful feeling compared to depression. And so I thought, 0:12:13.520 --> 0:12:16.480 I can just take this pill and not feel anything, 0:12:16.960 --> 0:12:19.120 and I would. Nobody gave me a limit on it. 0:12:19.360 --> 0:12:22.160 Nobody really walked. You know. My mom didn't have too 0:12:22.240 --> 0:12:25.960 much information on this, so she just so heartbroken watching 0:12:26.040 --> 0:12:29.240 me just be the shell of myself. And every day 0:12:29.240 --> 0:12:32.440 I would just sleep and take a pill and go 0:12:32.559 --> 0:12:37.120 back to sleep. And that happened for honestly too long, 0:12:37.280 --> 0:12:39.760 and my parents really had to do something about it 0:12:39.800 --> 0:12:44.160 because I had to wean myself off and it was 0:12:44.240 --> 0:12:47.400 probably you know, I ended up being sneaky about it, 0:12:47.720 --> 0:12:51.600 not telling them when I was taking it, and they 0:12:51.640 --> 0:12:53.720 just kind of were there for me during all of it, 0:12:53.760 --> 0:12:57.040 and they said, this isn't you like go back to Vancouver. 0:12:57.559 --> 0:12:59.839 My friend said I could live on his couch. I 0:13:00.679 --> 0:13:03.040 stayed on my friend's couch and I just got myself like, 0:13:03.120 --> 0:13:07.080 little by little. My mom said, baby steps, baby steps, 0:13:07.160 --> 0:13:08.800 is all you need to do right now. We're here 0:13:08.840 --> 0:13:12.520 to support you financially. And I took little baby steps. 0:13:12.559 --> 0:13:14.199 If I got out of bed that day, that was 0:13:14.240 --> 0:13:17.720 a small win. If I walked out and got a coffee, 0:13:17.760 --> 0:13:20.280 that was a small win. I eventually worked myself up 0:13:20.320 --> 0:13:23.319 into going to a restaurant and filling out an application 0:13:23.480 --> 0:13:26.160 to host to work my way up in a restaurant, 0:13:27.120 --> 0:13:30.560 and just little by little through the support of friends 0:13:30.559 --> 0:13:33.520 and family and then therapy. That's when I got into therapy. 0:13:34.679 --> 0:13:37.199 Baby steps got me where I needed to get to be. 0:13:37.320 --> 0:13:40.400 Oh, you should be so proud of yourself, not only 0:13:40.440 --> 0:13:43.640 for how far you've come, but also for being really 0:13:43.720 --> 0:13:46.640 vulnerable and sharing that part of your life with the world, 0:13:46.679 --> 0:13:51.520 because it's that kind of honesty that creates impactful connections 0:13:51.559 --> 0:13:53.960 with people all over the world who are dealing with 0:13:54.360 --> 0:13:55.320 similar things to you. 0:13:55.360 --> 0:13:58.680 Perhaps, Yeah, I actually couldn't believe. So I think also 0:13:58.760 --> 0:14:01.360 a part of how I grew up, I didn't I didn't, 0:14:01.800 --> 0:14:04.240 you know, grow up doing auditions for TV. I didn't 0:14:04.240 --> 0:14:06.520 know how TV worked. I didn't know what overnight success 0:14:06.559 --> 0:14:09.160 looked like with a platform. And so I think I've 0:14:09.200 --> 0:14:12.320 just always been like, what isn't everyone this honest? And 0:14:12.880 --> 0:14:15.320 that has gotten me in trouble, but that's also built 0:14:15.320 --> 0:14:20.400 a beautiful community. And I always vulnerability creates connection, It 0:14:20.440 --> 0:14:25.040 creates community, and I couldn't believe how much people were 0:14:25.080 --> 0:14:27.800 craving that in a world of social media. I was like, oh, 0:14:27.840 --> 0:14:30.360 I didn't even realize the impact that could have by 0:14:30.360 --> 0:14:31.560 sharing a story. 0:14:32.000 --> 0:14:35.000 Right, It's it's wild. You don't think it until you 0:14:35.080 --> 0:14:38.360 do it, and then you just feel so connected to 0:14:38.400 --> 0:14:40.359 the people who are in similar situations. 0:14:40.960 --> 0:14:43.880 Yes, and just hearing it. Like I used to get 0:14:43.880 --> 0:14:45.640 a little bit overwhelmed if people would come up and 0:14:45.640 --> 0:14:48.280 be like, because you know, on the Bachelorette, you get pigeonholed, 0:14:48.320 --> 0:14:51.400 you get pigeonholed into this one dimensional character. And I 0:14:51.520 --> 0:14:53.800 got overwhelmed by people coming up to me and saying 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.240 like I can't believe what you did and this and this, 0:14:56.520 --> 0:14:59.320 But then it started turning into you, you know your 0:14:59.360 --> 0:15:01.960 podcast is really helped me, or how honest you are 0:15:02.200 --> 0:15:04.400 has really helped me. And now I just like want 0:15:04.400 --> 0:15:07.240 to hug everyone. I just like love it so much. 0:15:07.320 --> 0:15:08.720 And the people are like, oh I was scared to 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.320 say hi, I'm like no, please like run and jump 0:15:11.360 --> 0:15:11.920 in my arms. 0:15:11.920 --> 0:15:13.640 I just think it's so cool now. 0:15:13.840 --> 0:15:22.840 It really is. How do you choose to show up 0:15:22.840 --> 0:15:23.680 for yourself? Now? 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:26.680 Every day I was thinking how good of timing this 0:15:26.720 --> 0:15:31.200 podcast was because I just came out of a three 0:15:31.400 --> 0:15:34.920 day therapy retreat that I did in Nashville. I ended 0:15:35.000 --> 0:15:38.440 up actually doing some equine therapy with a horse. 0:15:38.240 --> 0:15:40.160 And oh my god, I'm so jealous right now. 0:15:40.560 --> 0:15:44.480 Oh it was beautiful work. Like I've I've done some 0:15:44.560 --> 0:15:48.280 really heavy stuff. I did this program called Hoffman where 0:15:48.320 --> 0:15:51.760 I did some inner child work, and I've done a 0:15:51.800 --> 0:15:54.840 lot of therapy and I loved it so much, and 0:15:55.040 --> 0:15:58.800 I just choose, like I think, at this point in 0:15:58.840 --> 0:16:03.640 my life, I really understand kind of it's kind of 0:16:03.720 --> 0:16:06.800 clockwork for me when I have tough times. So I 0:16:06.840 --> 0:16:11.880 suffer pretty badly from hormonal depression. And I don't know 0:16:11.880 --> 0:16:14.280 why it took me so long into my thirties to 0:16:14.320 --> 0:16:17.520 realize that's what it was like every time, same time, 0:16:17.520 --> 0:16:21.040 every month. I'm like, oh, so, I just I really 0:16:21.160 --> 0:16:25.120 choose to, like look at where I'm at in my cycle, 0:16:25.160 --> 0:16:28.040 if I'm being completely honest and give myself banks for 0:16:28.160 --> 0:16:32.240 certain things, and I feel I have therapy I do 0:16:32.320 --> 0:16:35.040 once every two weeks, and even if I don't feel 0:16:35.080 --> 0:16:36.600 like going, and even if I feel like I have 0:16:36.720 --> 0:16:39.480 nothing to learn or nothing to say, I always walk 0:16:39.480 --> 0:16:41.200 away being like I'm so glad I did that. It's 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:43.400 kind of like, you know, moving your body or going 0:16:43.440 --> 0:16:46.000 to the gym, or I always joke about how it's 0:16:46.000 --> 0:16:48.520 like going to the gym and having sex. It's like, 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:50.080 why did it feel so good once you get there? 0:16:50.080 --> 0:16:53.720 Why were you so hesitant to that place? It's like 0:16:53.840 --> 0:16:57.640 that's for me too, And I felt like another thing 0:16:57.640 --> 0:16:59.720 that I really do. I lift heavy weights, and I 0:16:59.720 --> 0:17:01.760 never thought I would do that. I always hated working out, 0:17:02.080 --> 0:17:06.520 and now just I feel so mentally strong after coming 0:17:06.560 --> 0:17:09.200 out of a workout that that's become something I really 0:17:09.200 --> 0:17:11.320 do for myself. And how I show up for myself 0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:13.239 and then I would say the last thing is And 0:17:13.280 --> 0:17:15.840 I still struggle with this, but I will have pep 0:17:15.880 --> 0:17:19.040 talks with myself in the mirror, like if somebody was watching. 0:17:19.080 --> 0:17:21.280 I live by myself and sometimes I'm like, I should 0:17:21.320 --> 0:17:24.159 have brother cameras in here, like it is hilarious how 0:17:24.160 --> 0:17:25.639 I talk to myself. I'll look in the mirror. I'll 0:17:25.640 --> 0:17:29.000 be like, oh, you look so and then I go, no, no, no, 0:17:29.280 --> 0:17:31.520 we don't talk to ourselves that way. And then I'll 0:17:31.520 --> 0:17:35.080 find something I love about myself. I'll give myself my fives. 0:17:35.200 --> 0:17:38.720 I'll like go do a gratitude circle with my freaking dogs, 0:17:38.760 --> 0:17:43.080 like I'll hold up paws. And it's like, over all 0:17:43.119 --> 0:17:46.600 the years of doing things, you know that learning lessons, 0:17:46.640 --> 0:17:49.959 and you kind of just build up this the as 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:53.199 they call the toolbox, you know, for people who know 0:17:53.240 --> 0:17:55.439 what that is obviously, who listen to your podcasts, and 0:17:55.480 --> 0:17:59.800 you know it's it becomes easier over time to snap 0:17:59.840 --> 0:18:02.520 out out of it, but there's nothing wrong with not 0:18:02.560 --> 0:18:03.880 snapping out of it either. 0:18:04.160 --> 0:18:08.879 Right, And I think once you really determine, like I 0:18:08.920 --> 0:18:12.719 am a person that's a little chemically imbalanced, and you've 0:18:12.720 --> 0:18:15.280 gotten specific about it, that it's connected with your cycle. 0:18:16.000 --> 0:18:19.080 Once you nail it down and figure it out, it's 0:18:19.119 --> 0:18:23.040 less scary, and you know you can you can accept 0:18:23.080 --> 0:18:26.639 that about yourself and not be shameful of it, you know, 0:18:26.680 --> 0:18:29.120 because there's a lot of shame around depression, I feel like. 0:18:29.560 --> 0:18:31.200 And I still do, even though I could sit here 0:18:31.200 --> 0:18:33.199 and talk about it all day, Like, I still do 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:36.240 find myself having shame around it, even though you know, 0:18:36.280 --> 0:18:39.960 how we we have this thought and I know a 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:41.720 lot of people bring this up lately, is that two 0:18:41.800 --> 0:18:45.679 things can be true at once. I can suffer depression 0:18:45.720 --> 0:18:47.840 and I can also be very vulnerable, and I can 0:18:47.880 --> 0:18:50.280 also be very happy, and I can also be very sad. 0:18:50.320 --> 0:18:53.760 And I am a human being feeling the full spectrum 0:18:53.760 --> 0:18:57.120 of emotions in a day, and it's it's I do 0:18:57.160 --> 0:19:00.320 feel shame around it sometimes, but thanks to podcast like 0:19:00.359 --> 0:19:03.359 yours and people talking about it, it's like there's really 0:19:03.400 --> 0:19:06.800 nothing to be ashamed of. And I also do have 0:19:06.840 --> 0:19:09.439 the chemical imbalance. And obviously I'm not a doctor, but 0:19:10.000 --> 0:19:13.800 like going on medication for me changed my whole life 0:19:14.080 --> 0:19:16.399 because and what the doctor said to me, and what 0:19:16.440 --> 0:19:19.280 I've heard a lot is people say, if you had 0:19:19.320 --> 0:19:22.879 a heart condition, you'd take medication. If you have a balance, 0:19:23.000 --> 0:19:26.359 take medication. You know. Again, go talk to your doctor 0:19:26.400 --> 0:19:29.720 and whatever you believe in. But for me, personally helping 0:19:29.760 --> 0:19:32.800 myself through medication and therapy has like changed my whole 0:19:32.920 --> 0:19:33.560 whole life. 0:19:34.119 --> 0:19:37.280 I'm so happy for you. It sounds like your toolbox 0:19:37.359 --> 0:19:40.880 is full, yes, of great things to get you through 0:19:40.920 --> 0:19:44.359 tough times like that. And yeah, also in relationships, like 0:19:44.520 --> 0:19:48.360 if anybody ever makes you feel ashamed or like you're 0:19:48.440 --> 0:19:52.679 too much or you're just I had this a lot, Caitlin. 0:19:52.880 --> 0:19:57.119 I was always told I was too emotional. Yeah, And 0:19:57.160 --> 0:19:59.359 it was hard for me because you know, I played 0:19:59.400 --> 0:20:02.320 like the this character for ten years in my very 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:07.480 formative developmental years who was experiencing trauma after trauma after 0:20:07.600 --> 0:20:11.080 trauma on the show. And that definitely had an effect 0:20:11.080 --> 0:20:13.400 on me. But I came to the place where I 0:20:13.440 --> 0:20:15.480 was like, yeah, I am emotional, and I'm going to 0:20:15.520 --> 0:20:18.680 switch it to say I'm emotionful and I actually love 0:20:18.760 --> 0:20:20.040 that about myself now. 0:20:20.280 --> 0:20:22.920 Yes, And how long did it take you to love 0:20:22.960 --> 0:20:23.920 that about yourself? 0:20:25.119 --> 0:20:29.040 Oh gosh, I am going to say not until I 0:20:29.160 --> 0:20:33.080 was out of a relationship where I didn't feel good 0:20:33.119 --> 0:20:37.440 about myself. It was in my early forties. 0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:41.920 Yeah, yeah, see. And that's so inspiring because I think 0:20:41.960 --> 0:20:44.280 a lot of people think there's an age on where 0:20:44.280 --> 0:20:47.680 you should be, oh my gosh, or with where you're 0:20:47.680 --> 0:20:51.560 at in life, and not only career, but emotionally financially. 0:20:51.640 --> 0:20:53.800 Everybody has this idea where they're supposed to be. And 0:20:53.880 --> 0:20:56.480 I'm like, I bet you I'll get on my deathbed 0:20:56.520 --> 0:20:58.880 hopefully in like one hundred and five and I'll go 0:20:59.080 --> 0:21:00.400 I still don't think I got it. 0:21:01.520 --> 0:21:05.760 I mean truly it. Everybody's on their own schedule. 0:21:06.119 --> 0:21:11.320 Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. And relationships really will make you 0:21:11.400 --> 0:21:14.560 believe something that is not true about yourself if it's 0:21:14.880 --> 0:21:18.800 one you know and it's it's the benefit of hindsight 0:21:18.920 --> 0:21:21.879 is always looking back and saying, oh, I just I 0:21:21.920 --> 0:21:25.720 actually wasn't even myself in that relationship, and what that 0:21:25.760 --> 0:21:29.040 person was making me feel bad about is actually something 0:21:29.080 --> 0:21:31.320 that's that's part of who I am, that's part of 0:21:31.320 --> 0:21:36.480 my DNA, and that can be something that's actually beautiful instead. 0:21:36.119 --> 0:21:40.800 Of exactly exactly. You said something about society. Do you 0:21:40.840 --> 0:21:46.240 feel that the bullshit societal pressures that we are all 0:21:46.280 --> 0:21:50.080 put under, but specifically that you should be in a 0:21:50.080 --> 0:21:52.280 certain stage of life already at your age. How do 0:21:52.320 --> 0:21:55.960 you handle that? Because I think so many women are 0:21:56.040 --> 0:22:01.720 like you, living fierce, independent, cool lives, but they still 0:22:02.560 --> 0:22:06.000 feel stuck or like something is wrong with them because 0:22:06.040 --> 0:22:09.439 they haven't got the husband or the kids or whatever 0:22:09.480 --> 0:22:13.119 else it is that they need quote unquote to have. 0:22:13.760 --> 0:22:18.280 Yeah, I once in a while will like go into 0:22:18.320 --> 0:22:20.639 a like, oh god, because I'm turning forty this year, 0:22:20.680 --> 0:22:24.240 which I know, I feel like that's like I've always 0:22:24.240 --> 0:22:26.760 been made to feel like that's scary. But then I'm like, 0:22:26.840 --> 0:22:30.919 I still feel twenty five, and I just I almost 0:22:30.920 --> 0:22:33.359 feel better than I did it twenty five. Actually I'm 0:22:33.400 --> 0:22:37.680 taking better, yes, myself, I have more like wisdom and knowledge. 0:22:37.720 --> 0:22:40.720 I'm more a more evolved version of myself. And I 0:22:40.760 --> 0:22:42.879 always heard people talk about, you know, forty's are the 0:22:42.920 --> 0:22:44.960 best and it just gets better and better, and now 0:22:44.960 --> 0:22:48.040 I believe it so, but I do. I still have 0:22:48.119 --> 0:22:51.080 moments where I'm like, I kind of giggle sometimes when 0:22:51.080 --> 0:22:54.760 I look around and I go, I'm I'm hyper independent. 0:22:54.880 --> 0:22:57.600 I'm almost the opposite now where I'm like I think 0:22:57.640 --> 0:22:59.600 I could have a baby on my own. I think 0:22:59.640 --> 0:23:03.520 I could on my own like my therapist will be like, 0:23:03.640 --> 0:23:07.119 that's also a trauma response, because I like, I'm like, 0:23:07.160 --> 0:23:08.000 but it's an option. 0:23:08.600 --> 0:23:13.080 Yeah, it's often, and I think that's empowering because I'm 0:23:13.400 --> 0:23:17.360 I'm just I did this whole visualization the other day 0:23:17.400 --> 0:23:19.840 with I have a talk about tools in the belt. 0:23:19.880 --> 0:23:21.960 I've got a therapist, I've got a spiritual coach. I 0:23:22.000 --> 0:23:25.800 have this she's like an intuitive coach, and we're doing 0:23:25.800 --> 0:23:29.199 this visualization and she was asking me to picture like 0:23:29.400 --> 0:23:32.440 you can wake up anywhere in the world and you're 0:23:32.440 --> 0:23:34.600 with anyone you want, Like, what is your perfect day? 0:23:34.920 --> 0:23:37.679 And it was so funny because like it's it's a 0:23:37.680 --> 0:23:39.399 perfect world, so I can make it up. I have, 0:23:39.560 --> 0:23:42.439 you know, it can be outrageous. And I was in 0:23:42.480 --> 0:23:44.479 Hawaii for like one hour of the day. But what 0:23:44.640 --> 0:23:47.440 I found was I I was like, well, I woke 0:23:47.560 --> 0:23:50.000 up in my own bed, in my home with my 0:23:50.160 --> 0:23:52.840 dogs and no one else. And she's like, isn't that 0:23:52.880 --> 0:23:56.600 beautiful that that was your actual Like you got into 0:23:56.640 --> 0:24:00.240 a meditation, you were picturing your perfect day and you 0:24:00.280 --> 0:24:03.159 were with yourself. And I'm like, that is really cool. 0:24:03.320 --> 0:24:05.040 And I wouldn't have said that five years ago. 0:24:05.240 --> 0:24:09.000 You know, Yes, You've come so far. I'm so proud 0:24:09.000 --> 0:24:09.199 of you. 0:24:09.400 --> 0:24:10.879 I know I would go through the screen and give 0:24:10.920 --> 0:24:11.320 you a hunk. 0:24:18.240 --> 0:24:20.720 Can we talk about relationships a little. People have followed 0:24:20.720 --> 0:24:24.080 you finding love first on the Bachelor, then on the Bachelorette, 0:24:24.680 --> 0:24:27.840 you know, and you were engaged and that didn't work out, right, 0:24:27.920 --> 0:24:30.680 and then you found love again. Yeah, and that didn't 0:24:30.680 --> 0:24:34.120 work out, which, by the way, is absolutely okay. 0:24:34.080 --> 0:24:35.320 Totally, I'm with you. 0:24:35.400 --> 0:24:37.920 We have to try things on first to see how 0:24:37.920 --> 0:24:41.280 they fit. You know, when I was like single and 0:24:41.320 --> 0:24:45.800 in my forties, I went through a number of let's 0:24:45.840 --> 0:24:50.680 call them, ill fitting relationships, and I learned so much 0:24:50.800 --> 0:24:53.720 about myself and I feel like you are. You know, 0:24:53.880 --> 0:24:55.400 you are living that right now. 0:24:56.040 --> 0:25:00.560 Yeah, I honestly I go back and if I could 0:25:00.560 --> 0:25:03.800 talk to that X that absolutely broke me, I would 0:25:03.840 --> 0:25:08.639 thank him because that alone, that one breakup, made me 0:25:08.840 --> 0:25:13.639 think I can get through anything. Anything get through through 0:25:13.840 --> 0:25:17.560 you know, between losing my best friend and the guy 0:25:17.600 --> 0:25:20.320 I thought I was going to marry, I was like, Okay, 0:25:20.400 --> 0:25:22.679 I didn't think I could get through those two things. 0:25:22.840 --> 0:25:26.400 And I came out of it more spiritual, I came 0:25:26.440 --> 0:25:30.920 out of it much stronger and knowing myself a million 0:25:31.040 --> 0:25:36.919 times better. So now I just think, like the relationship 0:25:36.920 --> 0:25:39.640 that ended from the Bachelorette, I had a hard time 0:25:39.680 --> 0:25:42.159 with that one, but again not as bad compared to 0:25:42.200 --> 0:25:46.800 that breakup from the Germany Times, and I went, this 0:25:46.960 --> 0:25:49.040 is awful, but I'm going to get through this and 0:25:49.119 --> 0:25:51.719 I know what I deserve and that wasn't it. And 0:25:51.760 --> 0:25:58.320 then the second one was like more of If I'm 0:25:58.359 --> 0:26:03.400 being completely honest, in this moment, I think I was 0:26:03.480 --> 0:26:07.639 caught up in everything this guy was because he was 0:26:07.680 --> 0:26:11.879 everything that one wasn't and I just thought, well, he 0:26:11.920 --> 0:26:13.720 does this, and he does this, and he has this 0:26:13.840 --> 0:26:17.159 on paper, and the internet seems to support us, and 0:26:17.200 --> 0:26:19.600 I kind of like fell into my own little trap 0:26:19.680 --> 0:26:23.960 of what was real and what wasn't. And I think 0:26:24.080 --> 0:26:27.600 that I changed a lot through that relationship. I think 0:26:27.680 --> 0:26:31.679 that person changed tremendously through the relationship, and we just 0:26:31.760 --> 0:26:35.080 were not compatible at all whatsoever at the end. And 0:26:35.119 --> 0:26:38.800 it was one of the easier breakups I've had, even 0:26:38.840 --> 0:26:41.400 though it was an engagement. We had dogs together, thought 0:26:41.400 --> 0:26:44.480 our life was together, and I walked away from it 0:26:44.600 --> 0:26:49.760 so confident, and now I just almost the bad part 0:26:49.760 --> 0:26:52.120 about it is almost me saying, you know, the hyper 0:26:52.200 --> 0:26:55.560 independent trauma response, as my therapist calls it, where I'm like, 0:26:56.800 --> 0:26:58.919 I'm like, relationships are so hard. 0:27:00.720 --> 0:27:02.679 Uh, yours preaching to the choir. 0:27:03.320 --> 0:27:07.560 Yeah, I'm just like it scares me now because I'm 0:27:07.640 --> 0:27:10.879 just like, you know, you think you know somebody and 0:27:10.920 --> 0:27:15.040 you think it's right, and three years down the road 0:27:15.040 --> 0:27:17.439 that person could not be right for you anymore, and 0:27:17.480 --> 0:27:18.200 it's scary. 0:27:19.600 --> 0:27:24.080 Do you think you give in to I call them 0:27:24.119 --> 0:27:27.600 my non negotiables, Like I made a list of what 0:27:28.359 --> 0:27:31.000 it was that was just not ever going to work 0:27:31.040 --> 0:27:32.760 for me in a relationship, what I didn't want, and 0:27:32.800 --> 0:27:35.720 I was, you know, being very specific and kind of like, well, 0:27:35.800 --> 0:27:38.720 I'm really narrowing this down. I don't know who's going 0:27:38.800 --> 0:27:41.080 to fit into this category. But have you done that? 0:27:41.720 --> 0:27:46.320 Oh yes, Oh my gosh. And I I laugh every 0:27:46.320 --> 0:27:50.160 time at my list because it'll be like, no more 0:27:50.320 --> 0:27:51.880 bachelor guys, Caitlin. 0:27:51.640 --> 0:27:54.240 Oh my god. Okay, I'm so happy to hear you 0:27:54.280 --> 0:27:57.680 say this. I'm really feeling like you need to go 0:27:58.600 --> 0:28:01.600 elsewhere to find okay, or that. 0:28:03.480 --> 0:28:07.159 I honestly don't. I just feel like I'm I have 0:28:07.440 --> 0:28:10.960 I have a list, like obnoxiously long list, and some 0:28:11.000 --> 0:28:15.119 of them I go Caitlin like, don't you can bend 0:28:15.200 --> 0:28:17.480 on that one? But I'm just like, am I making 0:28:17.520 --> 0:28:18.960 it too hard on myself? Way? Wait? 0:28:18.960 --> 0:28:20.439 Wait, what's when you could bend on? 0:28:21.840 --> 0:28:25.159 Like I don't want them to have a podcast? I 0:28:25.160 --> 0:28:28.040 feel like I feel like the podcast actually like tore 0:28:28.480 --> 0:28:30.120 us a part of my last relationship. 0:28:30.440 --> 0:28:32.600 Okay, get a guy that doesn't have a podcast. It's 0:28:32.640 --> 0:28:33.240 not that hard. 0:28:33.520 --> 0:28:36.040 Every guys, I feel like every you know that trend 0:28:36.040 --> 0:28:38.240 where people will be like, hey, there's a guy without 0:28:38.240 --> 0:28:41.920 a podcast, and You're like, where because every he has 0:28:41.960 --> 0:28:44.160 a podcast, which I love because I love the podcast 0:28:44.200 --> 0:28:46.760 community so much. But I'm like, why is that? Why 0:28:46.840 --> 0:28:48.560 is that all my non negotiable? I guess because I 0:28:48.600 --> 0:28:49.800 have trauma from it? 0:28:50.160 --> 0:28:54.880 Yeah, yeah, I feel you though. I I was married 0:28:54.880 --> 0:28:58.760 to an actor for a long time. I'm always around actors, wow, 0:28:59.280 --> 0:29:02.440 And I was trying to make the actor thing work, 0:29:02.480 --> 0:29:05.560 but it did not work for me whatsoever. Yeah. 0:29:05.800 --> 0:29:09.480 You probably have this common bond with somebody if they're 0:29:09.520 --> 0:29:11.680 in the same industry as you and you've been through 0:29:11.720 --> 0:29:14.960 similar situations and you do it's exactly that word. You 0:29:15.000 --> 0:29:18.400 bond over it and then it's like, Oh, they understand 0:29:18.440 --> 0:29:21.480 me and I understand them, and I don't know something. 0:29:21.480 --> 0:29:23.680 You get a little fooled, Yeah, you do get. 0:29:23.680 --> 0:29:25.960 I feel like I've been bamboozled in the past. 0:29:26.160 --> 0:29:27.000 Bamboozled. 0:29:27.040 --> 0:29:27.920 That's such a good word. 0:29:29.360 --> 0:29:33.280 You've been so open though, Like with your journey to 0:29:33.400 --> 0:29:37.640 love and breakups. How are you feeling about another relationship? 0:29:37.680 --> 0:29:39.440 Will you let it be in the public. 0:29:40.120 --> 0:29:45.040 I probably won't until it is, like, you know, I 0:29:45.440 --> 0:29:48.200 always talk about the foundation of a relationship, and in 0:29:48.320 --> 0:29:53.320 my last two the foundation was built online, like in 0:29:53.400 --> 0:29:56.720 front of people, and I just feel like I really 0:29:56.760 --> 0:30:00.600 would like to try a different approach this time. And 0:30:00.760 --> 0:30:03.640 although I am like, I kind of find myself feeling 0:30:03.640 --> 0:30:07.080 guilty about that because I do share so much, and 0:30:07.120 --> 0:30:10.000 I do feel like that's part of who I am, 0:30:10.000 --> 0:30:12.840 as an open book and sharing everything and not caring 0:30:12.840 --> 0:30:18.120 what people think. But when it comes to dating right now, 0:30:18.160 --> 0:30:21.120 I just feel like I want to keep it so sacred. 0:30:22.080 --> 0:30:25.560 Same thing with my house. I you know, I thought 0:30:25.560 --> 0:30:28.480 about doing this big house tour and showing everybody, and 0:30:28.520 --> 0:30:31.480 I'm like, I think I'd like to keep my relationship 0:30:31.640 --> 0:30:33.960 that part of my heart and my home sacred for 0:30:34.040 --> 0:30:39.600 me right now and not open it up to even 0:30:39.640 --> 0:30:42.720 though it's so much love and support and joy, there's 0:30:42.720 --> 0:30:45.160 a lot of criticism and I'm just like wanting to 0:30:45.840 --> 0:30:49.120 just build this healthy foundation first and then I'm sure 0:30:49.160 --> 0:30:51.920 eventually I would share, but in this moment right now, 0:30:52.160 --> 0:30:53.920 I think I want to keep it myself. 0:30:54.680 --> 0:31:00.360 Yeah. I think your instinct is absolutely right, because all right, 0:31:00.800 --> 0:31:05.160 being sharing and being open is such a beautiful, vulnerable 0:31:05.440 --> 0:31:09.160 quality that you have. You have to honor that in yourself, 0:31:09.200 --> 0:31:09.400 you know. 0:31:09.800 --> 0:31:14.120 Yeah. I just I'm like, I you know, when you 0:31:14.160 --> 0:31:17.400 see people online where you're like and then they break 0:31:17.480 --> 0:31:20.000 up and you're like what, And it's so shocking because 0:31:20.040 --> 0:31:22.200 you like were inspired with them, you look up to them. 0:31:22.440 --> 0:31:25.480 And I myself just because like even in my other 0:31:25.720 --> 0:31:29.080 relationships that I've shared online, those those things still happened. 0:31:29.160 --> 0:31:31.880 There was still those moments that we shared, but there's 0:31:31.960 --> 0:31:33.120 always something. 0:31:32.920 --> 0:31:36.400 Absolutely you never know what's going on behind closed doors. 0:31:36.560 --> 0:31:39.160 Yeah, And I just I think that's part of a relationship. 0:31:39.160 --> 0:31:41.720 To me, feels like I need to put all beautiful 0:31:41.760 --> 0:31:44.240 things out there because I don't know if people want 0:31:44.240 --> 0:31:46.840 to even see messy things like that or be like, well, 0:31:46.880 --> 0:31:49.120 why are you sharing that, So I feel like, you know, 0:31:49.240 --> 0:31:52.160 right now, let's just let's keep it all to ourselves. 0:31:52.440 --> 0:31:55.520 I like that idea, they do. Do you think that 0:31:55.640 --> 0:32:00.480 any of your relationship ups and downs have changed your 0:32:00.920 --> 0:32:07.800 outlook on marriage in general? Maybe you know, not going 0:32:07.840 --> 0:32:10.520 public is a step in the right direction. 0:32:10.600 --> 0:32:14.440 But I just go like I really do. I was 0:32:14.480 --> 0:32:17.360 never one of those girls that grew up being like 0:32:17.880 --> 0:32:20.080 I can't wait for my wedding day and blah blah. 0:32:20.080 --> 0:32:22.240 Like I was always like, oh my gosh. 0:32:22.120 --> 0:32:26.240 Really yeah, yeah, But I think you're like me. You 0:32:26.320 --> 0:32:28.400 love love. I love love. 0:32:28.720 --> 0:32:31.080 I do. I am a sucker for it. I really 0:32:31.160 --> 0:32:33.880 am a sucker for it too, And so I do. 0:32:34.000 --> 0:32:36.480 I do like the idea of marriage. I do like 0:32:36.520 --> 0:32:38.840 the idea of having a family. But I don't know 0:32:38.880 --> 0:32:41.120 if anything's changed. I feel like I still have the 0:32:41.160 --> 0:32:44.320 same like sometimes I think I need to soften up 0:32:44.320 --> 0:32:46.920 a little bit on because I do love love. But 0:32:46.960 --> 0:32:51.040 I try to be too tough sometimes and my friends 0:32:51.080 --> 0:32:53.880 always call me an undercover softy because I act so 0:32:54.160 --> 0:32:56.520 hard on the outside with like, yeah, I don't know 0:32:56.560 --> 0:32:58.200 if I want to get nearried, But they're like, you 0:32:58.480 --> 0:33:01.920 you are a lover, like I am, deep down, and 0:33:02.360 --> 0:33:06.160 I just think I've always I don't know. I think 0:33:06.160 --> 0:33:09.480 I've always had the same beliefs and thoughts and ideas 0:33:09.520 --> 0:33:11.880 of what love is. It's just I think I've maybe 0:33:13.960 --> 0:33:17.200 gotten more secure in my own self so I can 0:33:17.360 --> 0:33:18.960 like talk about it differently now. 0:33:20.520 --> 0:33:25.120 Yeah. I mean, I'll say this with all sincerity. I 0:33:25.160 --> 0:33:29.000 know it's hard because I've been through it all. Yeah, 0:33:29.200 --> 0:33:32.680 when you go through all of that heartbreak, though, how 0:33:33.240 --> 0:33:36.360 do you choose love again? 0:33:37.720 --> 0:33:41.600 I don't know. I honestly I don't. I wish I 0:33:41.600 --> 0:33:44.120 had an answer. I don't know. I feel like I 0:33:44.240 --> 0:33:47.360 talked about that this past weekend at this it's like 0:33:47.400 --> 0:33:50.080 an intensive It was so beautiful, it was so cool. 0:33:50.080 --> 0:33:52.280 It was so scary. It was so messy and great 0:33:52.320 --> 0:33:52.880 and lovely. 0:33:53.680 --> 0:33:54.360 That's awesome. 0:33:54.640 --> 0:33:57.720 Yeah, but I did talk about that. I was like, 0:33:58.480 --> 0:34:01.000 you'd think the older you get in, the more wisdom, 0:34:01.040 --> 0:34:04.280 the more heartbreak and the more lessons, you would feel 0:34:04.280 --> 0:34:07.120 more confident going into another relationship. But I actually feel 0:34:07.120 --> 0:34:11.160 like I'm more confident in myself and I'm less confident 0:34:11.200 --> 0:34:14.640 and more insecure about real love. And I think that's 0:34:14.760 --> 0:34:16.640 okay because that's where I'm at right now. And that's 0:34:16.640 --> 0:34:20.120 where you're at. Yeah, And I still like, I feel 0:34:20.120 --> 0:34:23.279 like I'm always this walking contradiction. I have so many 0:34:23.280 --> 0:34:25.960 different thoughts at the same time, so many different beliefs, 0:34:25.960 --> 0:34:28.640 so many ideas and things that I go why I 0:34:28.680 --> 0:34:30.799 just said the opposite and then I'm saying this, and 0:34:30.880 --> 0:34:32.600 I do it all the time. But I'm like, that's 0:34:32.640 --> 0:34:35.680 just part of who I am. And I just have 0:34:35.840 --> 0:34:40.239 so many different thoughts around relationships and love that I 0:34:40.280 --> 0:34:43.239 actually don't know how to answer that question because I 0:34:43.239 --> 0:34:45.640 don't know how to believe in it. Again, I just 0:34:46.239 --> 0:34:49.239 I do. I just don't know how to explain it 0:34:49.360 --> 0:34:51.080 or do it, or I don't know. 0:34:51.840 --> 0:34:56.320 I think you're exactly right. You are in the space 0:34:56.480 --> 0:35:00.560 of loving yourself right now, and in our to do that, 0:35:00.600 --> 0:35:04.520 you have to be all in, you know, and you 0:35:04.560 --> 0:35:10.319 don't need somebody else's opinions or you know, parameters defining 0:35:11.239 --> 0:35:15.600 you getting to love yourself. Yeah, I've been there. It 0:35:15.680 --> 0:35:20.759 wasn't until I was after my second divorce and i'd 0:35:20.800 --> 0:35:22.520 been with him for a long time. We had three 0:35:22.520 --> 0:35:26.600 beautiful kids together, and it wasn't until after that that 0:35:26.760 --> 0:35:28.839 I started to do the journey and started to do 0:35:28.880 --> 0:35:31.239 the work and find who I really was because I 0:35:31.320 --> 0:35:37.080 had no idea. And it was in that that I 0:35:37.120 --> 0:35:41.759 fell in love with myself finally, and all I wanted 0:35:41.760 --> 0:35:44.239 to do was hang out with me yep and like 0:35:44.320 --> 0:35:49.319 my dogs and my kids. And then that seemed like 0:35:49.480 --> 0:35:51.759 and I know they've said this before, but that is 0:35:51.840 --> 0:35:52.719 when it happens. 0:35:53.280 --> 0:35:56.200 Yeah, I believe that. I totally believe that. And I 0:35:56.239 --> 0:36:02.160 think I think somebody who's also done the work and 0:36:02.360 --> 0:36:06.520 been through their own you know things, is important and 0:36:07.280 --> 0:36:09.359 I just feel, yeah, that's I mean, that's shown up 0:36:09.360 --> 0:36:11.760 in my life right now. I'm not I'm not not dating. 0:36:11.920 --> 0:36:16.360 I'm you know, I've I've I've been consistently on a 0:36:16.440 --> 0:36:19.400 date with somebody, and I'm just you know, that's like 0:36:19.440 --> 0:36:22.840 as much as people know, and it's it's really like 0:36:23.200 --> 0:36:27.480 kind of helping me believe in people. Again. I think 0:36:27.520 --> 0:36:29.560 that's also my problem. I think it's not even love. 0:36:29.600 --> 0:36:34.680 I think it's humans. I grew up in a such 0:36:34.680 --> 0:36:39.520 a loving environment with true friends, and I think real people, 0:36:39.840 --> 0:36:43.239 real people, And I think going on TV and being 0:36:43.280 --> 0:36:45.840 in a world of social media has rocked my world 0:36:45.840 --> 0:36:49.960 with trust issues and using the word bamboozled again, like 0:36:50.000 --> 0:36:53.160 where you think you know somebody and their intentions aren't 0:36:53.160 --> 0:36:55.279 what you thought, and it's just like it rocks my world. 0:36:55.360 --> 0:36:56.920 So I don't even know if it's about love. I 0:36:56.920 --> 0:36:59.520 think it's about people. And I'm just like, kind of 0:36:59.520 --> 0:37:02.799 what you said, I'm I'm like, how do you leave this? Hi? 0:37:03.000 --> 0:37:04.640 I have a dog with me too right now. 0:37:05.560 --> 0:37:08.719 It's just the best. It's the absolute best. And especially 0:37:08.800 --> 0:37:11.440 dogs because my friends and family always laugh at me 0:37:11.480 --> 0:37:15.560 because they go Babies, dogs and old people are like 0:37:15.600 --> 0:37:17.960 your three favorite things because they can't hurt you. And 0:37:17.960 --> 0:37:19.280 I was like, that's so true. 0:37:19.560 --> 0:37:22.440 It's so true. I think that's an okay list of 0:37:22.480 --> 0:37:23.759 things people to hang out with. 0:37:24.160 --> 0:37:26.480 And I don't. I don't even stop at dogs. I'm like, 0:37:26.560 --> 0:37:29.799 I want a horse now. After this last weekend, I 0:37:29.840 --> 0:37:32.920 am destined to have a horse. All the animals. I 0:37:33.040 --> 0:37:33.520 just love it. 0:37:33.960 --> 0:37:43.080 That's so great where you live? How's the dating pool? 0:37:44.520 --> 0:37:44.600 Not? 0:37:44.800 --> 0:37:45.799 What's it like out there? 0:37:47.640 --> 0:37:50.000 I've you know, what's so funny is I've so I 0:37:50.040 --> 0:37:54.600 live in Nashville and I've never dated, Like, I haven't 0:37:54.600 --> 0:37:58.120 been on a date with somebody here. I Nope, we 0:37:58.200 --> 0:38:00.800 got to go to New York for that. I feel 0:38:00.800 --> 0:38:03.120 like I feel like there's or Canada, good ones in 0:38:03.160 --> 0:38:06.360 Canada and New York. Yes, I've only heard through the 0:38:06.360 --> 0:38:09.400 grapevine of friends dating in Nashville that it's the worst. 0:38:09.719 --> 0:38:10.680 But I'm not sure why. 0:38:12.040 --> 0:38:16.040 I feel like Nashville is the new La, Like it's 0:38:16.080 --> 0:38:16.839 a mini La. 0:38:17.400 --> 0:38:19.279 Yeah, I feel like Nashville is starting to do LA 0:38:19.400 --> 0:38:20.440 better than LA does LA. 0:38:20.640 --> 0:38:24.640 It's full of La guys. Yeah, full of musicians, two 0:38:24.760 --> 0:38:27.880 categories that are yeah, dicey. 0:38:27.400 --> 0:38:30.080 You're right, it's the yeah and everyone's here just to 0:38:30.200 --> 0:38:33.680 like live out their dream of being a musician. So, yeah, 0:38:33.840 --> 0:38:35.399 I have heard it's rough out there. 0:38:36.719 --> 0:38:42.480 Yeah, I don't envy you. I've already said I if 0:38:42.560 --> 0:38:45.360 I have a divorce from my husband now, which I 0:38:45.360 --> 0:38:49.000 hope that doesn't happen, I will absolutely live the rest 0:38:49.040 --> 0:38:52.680 of my life just with my animals. I fully, I'm 0:38:52.760 --> 0:38:55.839 gonna Doris day it just move out of town. 0:38:56.280 --> 0:38:58.439 I honestly, I think about this all the time. I'm 0:38:58.480 --> 0:39:02.280 like a ranch in Montana with animals sounds dreams, Yeah, 0:39:02.360 --> 0:39:03.120 right up, my alley. 0:39:03.520 --> 0:39:08.520 Absolutely. Okay. You know how patterns repeat themselves in relationships. 0:39:09.640 --> 0:39:12.600 After you've been in and out of relationships, good and bad, 0:39:12.760 --> 0:39:16.640 you start to recognize patterns and other people like, have 0:39:16.719 --> 0:39:20.319 you been able to say, oh, look at this, here 0:39:20.320 --> 0:39:21.360 are my patterns. 0:39:22.080 --> 0:39:27.400 Oh yes, Oh, I like I call it being an awareness. 0:39:27.480 --> 0:39:30.280 Hell after you do this my therapy, Like it's almost 0:39:30.920 --> 0:39:35.000 I'm hyper aware of my patterns and I work on 0:39:35.080 --> 0:39:38.600 them so much. But there's it's like ingrained in me, 0:39:38.800 --> 0:39:41.479 and it's it's it's wild. But I think it really 0:39:41.520 --> 0:39:45.200 does stem from so my parents divorced and then I 0:39:45.280 --> 0:39:48.120 lost my best friend. So I think I'm just truly 0:39:49.120 --> 0:39:52.640 terrified of loss. And so I find my pattern is 0:39:53.200 --> 0:39:57.040 to look for either the other shoe to drop or 0:39:57.120 --> 0:40:00.319 an out because I'm always having you know, my guar up, 0:40:00.320 --> 0:40:03.000 and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And I 0:40:03.040 --> 0:40:07.600 do feel like I punish myself by doing that. I 0:40:07.960 --> 0:40:09.640 find that And you know, it's another funny thing that 0:40:09.680 --> 0:40:12.120 I learned from being with a horse this weekend is. 0:40:13.560 --> 0:40:15.680 It sounds so weird, so weird. 0:40:16.800 --> 0:40:18.880 So what I learned from being with a horse is 0:40:20.440 --> 0:40:24.160 I was trying to lead this horse. And I pride 0:40:24.160 --> 0:40:26.440 myself on like being an animal lover, and I'm like, 0:40:26.520 --> 0:40:28.560 horses love me, and so I was trying to walk 0:40:28.560 --> 0:40:30.839 this horse and the horse wouldn't go with me, and 0:40:31.000 --> 0:40:32.799 she was like, what is coming up for you? And 0:40:32.840 --> 0:40:36.759 I'm like, I'm being needy, like impatient and needy where 0:40:36.760 --> 0:40:40.200 I'm like, come on, all animals love me, like you 0:40:40.320 --> 0:40:43.719 come with me? Like you're embarrassing me. And she was like, 0:40:43.760 --> 0:40:45.279 does that come up for you in your life? And 0:40:45.320 --> 0:40:50.280 I'm like, I think I have been needy in my past, 0:40:50.520 --> 0:40:53.799 and I think the hyper awareness now of that being 0:40:53.840 --> 0:40:58.040 a pattern, I'm so the opposite where I'm like, I 0:40:58.080 --> 0:41:01.439 find the neediness embarrassing and I don't think it has 0:41:01.480 --> 0:41:03.759 to be. It's it's kind of just like about being 0:41:03.800 --> 0:41:06.279 aware of it. But it was interesting that that came 0:41:06.360 --> 0:41:08.800 up because that's something that I've noticed in my past, 0:41:08.960 --> 0:41:12.560 just like even though I'm this independent, strong, you know 0:41:12.640 --> 0:41:15.960 all this, but I can be really needy in relationships 0:41:16.000 --> 0:41:19.719 and that's when I start to lose myself. So it's 0:41:19.840 --> 0:41:22.120 I think that would be a pattern. But most most pattern, 0:41:22.280 --> 0:41:26.040 the biggest pattern that keeps patterning for me is probably 0:41:26.080 --> 0:41:28.720 the fear of loss and sabotaging it myself. 0:41:28.880 --> 0:41:32.560 Yeah, it's so interesting your story because you said when 0:41:32.600 --> 0:41:36.879 you're younger, you experienced these huge losses and then your 0:41:36.960 --> 0:41:41.560 life's work has become to you just have been sent 0:41:41.600 --> 0:41:45.840 more and more loss. Yes, in these relationships that haven't worked, 0:41:46.560 --> 0:41:49.960 And so something is really sending you a very strong 0:41:50.000 --> 0:41:53.680 message on what to focus on. Yes, in allowing yourself 0:41:53.719 --> 0:41:54.320 that grief. 0:41:55.160 --> 0:41:59.719 Yes, it doesn't have to be so scary, like I can, 0:42:00.040 --> 0:42:03.920 I will survive. Yeah, And I keep showing myself that. 0:42:04.000 --> 0:42:06.280 But what do they say that? Like, there's some saying 0:42:06.520 --> 0:42:09.160 is like what you don't heal will be revealed, or's 0:42:09.200 --> 0:42:11.400 something like it's just going to keep showing up until 0:42:11.400 --> 0:42:13.560 you heal that part of you and then and then 0:42:13.600 --> 0:42:15.279 what I'm like, Well, if that part of me is healed, 0:42:15.280 --> 0:42:18.799 I'll just find something else to focus on. Yep, else 0:42:18.840 --> 0:42:19.520 to destroy. 0:42:19.719 --> 0:42:22.080 I know there's always going to be work to do ourselves, 0:42:22.120 --> 0:42:24.400 I think until our last breath. I sometimes I'm like, 0:42:24.920 --> 0:42:27.280 oh my god, I'm so tired of evolving. 0:42:28.160 --> 0:42:32.440 I know it's exhausting, it's exhausting, it's so exacting. I 0:42:32.719 --> 0:42:35.520 compare it always to I always try and think of 0:42:35.600 --> 0:42:38.000 my body as my home. This is where I'm constantly living. 0:42:38.040 --> 0:42:40.200 You want to take care of it, but there's always maintenance. 0:42:40.239 --> 0:42:43.279 Something will always be wrong, There's always going to be 0:42:43.320 --> 0:42:44.680 something you need to fix. 0:42:44.600 --> 0:42:47.680 Or rebroken wood around the windows, you got to get 0:42:47.719 --> 0:42:48.280 it painted. 0:42:48.680 --> 0:42:52.120 Yes, no matter what, there's always something And that's also 0:42:52.200 --> 0:42:54.759 a blessing that I have live in a home you 0:42:54.800 --> 0:42:57.440 know that I can fix and take care of. And 0:42:57.600 --> 0:42:59.120 I have to treat myself like that too. 0:42:59.719 --> 0:43:03.200 Yeah, yep, Okay, you're going to be this big things 0:43:03.239 --> 0:43:06.279 coming up for you. You're about to enter your forties 0:43:06.560 --> 0:43:10.479 in June. What's the date, June nineteenth? June nineteenth, Yes, 0:43:10.560 --> 0:43:13.920 that is a big milestone birthday. What do you hope 0:43:14.000 --> 0:43:18.000 to gain in your forties and what do you hope 0:43:18.040 --> 0:43:20.560 to leave behind you from your thirties? 0:43:21.840 --> 0:43:27.400 Okay, I hope to I hope to gain a little 0:43:27.480 --> 0:43:33.359 more softness because I think I think that's part of 0:43:33.560 --> 0:43:38.560 my life lesson is to soften and like even even 0:43:39.960 --> 0:43:41.640 you know, when I think of myself, and like you 0:43:41.680 --> 0:43:43.880 said at the beginning, and I'm it's like my favorite 0:43:43.880 --> 0:43:47.440 compliment if somebody says badass, like that still means that 0:43:47.480 --> 0:43:49.880 I can be soft, you know, like that still means 0:43:49.920 --> 0:43:52.279 that I can and and not that I'm not. I 0:43:52.320 --> 0:43:57.040 really am soft, but like embracing that, and I think 0:43:57.080 --> 0:43:59.480 I think I need to let go of the fear 0:43:59.640 --> 0:44:02.400 of life, like and that comes in every form, like 0:44:02.520 --> 0:44:06.000 I do grief counseling for when my dogs go because 0:44:06.040 --> 0:44:09.560 I'm so scared of losing them, Like it's My best 0:44:09.560 --> 0:44:11.600 friend said something to me the other day and I was. 0:44:11.520 --> 0:44:12.279 Like, whoa. 0:44:12.480 --> 0:44:14.360 She goes, do you think this is your last life? 0:44:14.520 --> 0:44:16.239 And I was like, why do you say that? And 0:44:16.280 --> 0:44:18.560 she was like, because I feel like you really are 0:44:18.600 --> 0:44:21.080 like trying to find your life purpose and she said, 0:44:21.560 --> 0:44:24.800 and you are so sad of like loss and time, 0:44:25.120 --> 0:44:28.280 the passage of time. She's like more than most people, 0:44:28.960 --> 0:44:31.880 and she lost the same it was our best friend together. 0:44:31.960 --> 0:44:33.879 So she she's lost her dad. She said so much 0:44:33.920 --> 0:44:38.000 loss too, but she's like, you take it harder than 0:44:38.040 --> 0:44:41.440 most people I know. And so I'm like, oh my god, 0:44:41.480 --> 0:44:43.120 is it my last life? I have to figure it 0:44:43.120 --> 0:44:43.480 all out. 0:44:43.520 --> 0:44:45.200 But I do think that I don't think that has 0:44:45.200 --> 0:44:47.440 anything to do with it. It being your last life. 0:44:47.600 --> 0:44:49.680 Well, I'm okay with it if it is, because I 0:44:49.719 --> 0:44:51.480 feel like I'm I feel like this is a very 0:44:51.520 --> 0:44:55.200 good one and I'm happy with it. And I do 0:44:55.239 --> 0:44:57.759 feel like I'm on this like quest and search to 0:44:57.800 --> 0:45:01.239 find like the meaning of life. And I love, But 0:45:01.280 --> 0:45:04.640 I think I need to With all this therapy I've 0:45:04.680 --> 0:45:07.240 done because of the loss, and with seeing every single 0:45:07.280 --> 0:45:09.719 time how I get through it, I think I need 0:45:09.760 --> 0:45:11.880 to stop focusing it on it so much. It's almost 0:45:11.920 --> 0:45:15.080 like I'm manifest loss because I think of it so much. 0:45:15.480 --> 0:45:17.839 I think I would like to loosen up a bit 0:45:17.880 --> 0:45:21.040 there and maybe leave that in the past and then 0:45:21.120 --> 0:45:25.120 gain in my forties. Oh my gosh, I think I 0:45:25.160 --> 0:45:29.840 want I think I want to. The simple thing of 0:45:29.960 --> 0:45:31.200 I think a lot of people are doing this right 0:45:31.200 --> 0:45:32.920 now is say no to the things that like you 0:45:32.960 --> 0:45:33.879 don't really want to do. 0:45:35.960 --> 0:45:37.680 Because so hard, so. 0:45:37.680 --> 0:45:41.160 Hard, And I feel like, especially I do the comparison 0:45:41.239 --> 0:45:43.640 things sometimes where I'm like, why am I not on 0:45:43.680 --> 0:45:46.279 that carpet interviewing people, or why am I not doing this? 0:45:46.400 --> 0:45:49.400 Or why am I? And I'm like, I've actually craved 0:45:49.440 --> 0:45:52.200 this downtime that I'm in right now for so long, 0:45:52.239 --> 0:45:55.320 For I mean so long ten years, I've been like, Okay, 0:45:55.360 --> 0:45:58.279 don't go, go, go go. In my forties, I think 0:45:58.280 --> 0:46:00.719 I want to just like reap the benefits of the 0:46:00.760 --> 0:46:03.160 hard work and still work hard, but like kind of 0:46:03.200 --> 0:46:04.439 like take it all in in my. 0:46:04.360 --> 0:46:05.920 Forties appreciate it. 0:46:06.000 --> 0:46:07.200 Yeah, appreciate it. 0:46:07.320 --> 0:46:13.720 Yes, appreciation is the same as gratitude. And I found 0:46:13.800 --> 0:46:20.280 so much peace in allowing myself to have gratitude because 0:46:20.719 --> 0:46:23.279 there were so many times in my life that I 0:46:23.400 --> 0:46:28.200 thought I was in most people's eyes, I've been so 0:46:28.360 --> 0:46:32.080 lucky and or you know, I've had this life that 0:46:32.160 --> 0:46:34.640 I felt almost ashamed of it. 0:46:35.160 --> 0:46:38.399 Yeah, I understand that. I mean, you you have had 0:46:38.400 --> 0:46:41.640 a really beautiful career. You're so talented, and your your 0:46:41.800 --> 0:46:45.799 voice is so soothing by the way, like podcasts, I'm like, oh, 0:46:45.800 --> 0:46:48.280 it's just like there's something very peaceful about your energy. 0:46:49.800 --> 0:46:53.399 But it's yeah, it's it's that's That's a good way 0:46:53.400 --> 0:46:56.600 to think about it, as to appreciate all the hard 0:46:56.600 --> 0:47:00.439 work and and not that you're you're like, okay, done here, 0:47:00.600 --> 0:47:02.520 Like you're podcasting. It's hard work, you know what I mean. 0:47:02.960 --> 0:47:07.520 But it's appreciating where you've gotten to and loving what 0:47:07.560 --> 0:47:09.480 you do. I think that's another thing, like choose the 0:47:09.520 --> 0:47:12.399 things that I love to do. I love podcasting, I 0:47:12.440 --> 0:47:16.719 love dogs, I love doing I love sharing stuff on 0:47:16.760 --> 0:47:18.799 social media. I really do. I love doing it. I 0:47:18.920 --> 0:47:21.799 just I need to cut back on the consuming of it. 0:47:21.920 --> 0:47:22.959 But sharing I love. 0:47:23.920 --> 0:47:25.680 Yeah, it's the consuming that gets you. 0:47:26.000 --> 0:47:26.440 Yeah. 0:47:26.560 --> 0:47:29.520 I just I see myself in you so much. I 0:47:29.520 --> 0:47:33.840 think because you love so hard, yeah, is the reason 0:47:34.400 --> 0:47:37.600 you grieve so hard at a relationship because I know, 0:47:37.800 --> 0:47:41.239 for me, I'm the person that hangs on like I'm 0:47:41.280 --> 0:47:44.239 the person never wants to break up. And what can 0:47:44.280 --> 0:47:46.440 I do? And how can we work on this? How 0:47:46.440 --> 0:47:48.920 can we make it better? I know we can fix this. 0:47:49.040 --> 0:47:51.799 And because I am a very very hard worker, and 0:47:51.840 --> 0:47:53.520 I think if I put my mind to it, I 0:47:53.560 --> 0:47:57.640 can fix anything. And so I think that's why it's 0:47:57.719 --> 0:48:01.960 so hard for people like us, that the grief and 0:48:02.440 --> 0:48:04.160 just how it really hits you hard. 0:48:04.680 --> 0:48:06.799 That's a good point. I don't know if I've ever 0:48:07.120 --> 0:48:09.279 put those two together, that when you love hard, the 0:48:09.360 --> 0:48:11.600 loss is hard. Like that's that's a good point. 0:48:11.640 --> 0:48:12.120 Are you do? 0:48:12.120 --> 0:48:14.000 You know what you are on the enneagram? 0:48:14.480 --> 0:48:16.120 What's that tell us? 0:48:16.239 --> 0:48:19.839 Oh? You need to do it? So anyagram is actually 0:48:19.880 --> 0:48:23.320 so hard to explain. I had like an enneagram expert 0:48:23.320 --> 0:48:25.680 on my podcast years ago to it helped me understand it. 0:48:25.719 --> 0:48:29.200 But it's basically there's like numbers one through nine like 0:48:29.239 --> 0:48:30.360 a personality test. 0:48:30.640 --> 0:48:34.040 Yes, my daughter just told me about this she's settying psychology. 0:48:34.560 --> 0:48:38.879 Yeah, oh cool, that's amazing. Put me in touch with her. 0:48:39.880 --> 0:48:43.200 And yeah, I'm a four with a three wing, and 0:48:43.280 --> 0:48:46.719 I feel like there's so many similarities between us with that, 0:48:47.000 --> 0:48:50.000 Like I would be shocked if you weren't that, because 0:48:50.520 --> 0:48:55.160 a four like really has big feelings, very sensitive. That's 0:48:55.200 --> 0:48:57.239 just a couple. There's like there's good and bad to 0:48:57.280 --> 0:49:00.600 every number, but a three is also like a hard 0:49:00.600 --> 0:49:05.440 worker and a go getter and the achiever. And I'm 0:49:05.520 --> 0:49:07.360 so a mix of those two things. And I felt 0:49:07.760 --> 0:49:11.600 validated and seen when I read those two types of personalities, 0:49:11.640 --> 0:49:13.960 because I'm like, why do I think I'm the only 0:49:13.960 --> 0:49:16.200 one out there that feels like this. I'm not. There's 0:49:16.239 --> 0:49:18.279 so many people that feel the same way. And it 0:49:18.320 --> 0:49:21.400 was just it was really validating to read about my numbers. 0:49:22.320 --> 0:49:24.759 Yeah, and what you were saying before, it's so so 0:49:24.760 --> 0:49:27.840 so important to remember that one no is a full sentence, 0:49:28.320 --> 0:49:32.360 and two you can be strong and still be soft. 0:49:32.840 --> 0:49:35.560 Like you said before, two things can exist at the 0:49:35.560 --> 0:49:36.080 same time. 0:49:36.600 --> 0:49:38.440 Yes, Like when I need to stop calling myself a 0:49:38.480 --> 0:49:42.360 walking contradiction, I'm just like the true definition of maybe 0:49:42.400 --> 0:49:44.680 five things being through at the same. 0:49:44.480 --> 0:49:47.960 Time, I feel like you're really curious, You're really curious 0:49:48.320 --> 0:49:52.719 about yourself about relationships. Like I've always also said, like 0:49:53.560 --> 0:49:56.279 I suck at relationships. I just I can't do this, 0:49:56.480 --> 0:49:59.360 Like I am a person that cannot have a healthy 0:49:59.400 --> 0:50:04.160 relationship no matter what, because I will do something to 0:50:04.200 --> 0:50:07.880 bust it open. Yeah, yeah, the same as and I 0:50:07.920 --> 0:50:11.960 don't And just learning that about myself and then I'm 0:50:12.000 --> 0:50:14.879 able to sort of step back and watch when it's 0:50:14.880 --> 0:50:17.200 happening and like try to turn it around. 0:50:18.280 --> 0:50:20.920 Yes, I have out of body experiences sometimes where I'm like, 0:50:21.000 --> 0:50:22.000 I'm doing the thing. 0:50:22.760 --> 0:50:23.560 I'm doing the thing. 0:50:24.160 --> 0:50:27.880 Yeah, And there are like, obviously you found love, and 0:50:29.440 --> 0:50:32.840 you know there are people out there that see that 0:50:33.080 --> 0:50:35.359 as the beauty that it is. You know what I mean, 0:50:35.680 --> 0:50:38.239 that is that's what makes you you. 0:50:38.960 --> 0:50:42.040 Yeah. Yeah, I just it's so important to me to 0:50:42.080 --> 0:50:45.120 have somebody that loves all the parts of me. Yes, oh, 0:50:45.160 --> 0:50:48.440 my damaged parts, the parts that other people see as 0:50:49.120 --> 0:50:51.120 extra or too much. 0:50:52.360 --> 0:50:55.479 Yeah. I mean I watched my mom be too much 0:50:55.600 --> 0:50:57.120 all the time, and she's like one of the biggest 0:50:57.160 --> 0:50:57.960 inspirations to me. 0:50:59.000 --> 0:51:01.160 Yeah, and now as you get older, like she's not 0:51:01.280 --> 0:51:04.120 being too much, she's just being her and that's so amazing. 0:51:04.640 --> 0:51:09.160 Yeah, exactly, she is so and that like I think 0:51:09.239 --> 0:51:11.600 she is going to live the longest life because she 0:51:11.719 --> 0:51:12.799 just enjoys it so much. 0:51:13.480 --> 0:51:14.800 Yeah, yeah, I hope. 0:51:14.840 --> 0:51:14.920 So. 0:51:16.040 --> 0:51:19.440 Okay, before I let you go, Caitlin Bristow, what was 0:51:19.480 --> 0:51:20.880 your last I choose me moment? 0:51:22.200 --> 0:51:26.200 I would? I would say this past weekend where I 0:51:26.200 --> 0:51:28.680 I you know, I have a little bit of guilt 0:51:28.680 --> 0:51:30.200 because my best friend in the whole world it was 0:51:30.200 --> 0:51:33.440 her husband's fortieth birthday and I would have had to 0:51:33.440 --> 0:51:35.640 travel to Canada and I had to say no because 0:51:35.640 --> 0:51:39.040 I had to choose me and go to this retreat. 0:51:39.120 --> 0:51:42.480 That truly just I was like, what more can I 0:51:42.520 --> 0:51:44.720 learn about myself? This is so fun? And I learned 0:51:44.880 --> 0:51:49.319 so much more about myself this past weekend, and I 0:51:49.440 --> 0:51:52.080 just I'm just such a believer in that kind of work. 0:51:52.239 --> 0:51:55.040 So I think I really chose me this weekend. 0:51:55.480 --> 0:51:58.040 I love it. I love it. I love you. I 0:51:58.120 --> 0:52:00.759 think you're awesome. Thanks so much much, and I just 0:52:00.920 --> 0:52:03.200 send you so much positivity and support. 0:52:03.920 --> 0:52:07.000 Same to you. I honestly view there's some sort of 0:52:07.080 --> 0:52:11.360 special energy about you, and I mean that. Oh thank you, Yeah, 0:52:11.360 --> 0:52:12.920 thank you for having me, I really mean that 0:52:13.120 --> 0:52:14.239 I appreciate it so much.