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Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garth. Hello, everyone,

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Speaker 1: welcome to I Choose Me. This podcast is all about

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Speaker 1: the choices we make and where they lead us. My

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Speaker 1: guest today is someone we all fell in love with

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Speaker 1: when she was on the Bachelor and then later when

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Speaker 1: she starred as the Bachelorette. Some people say the best

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Speaker 1: bachelorette there ever was. Since then, we also got to

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Speaker 1: see her dominate on the dance floor when she won

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Speaker 1: season twenty nine of Dancing with the Stars Amazing. She's

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Speaker 1: founder of her own wine company, Spaden Sparrows, and the

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Speaker 1: host of the podcast Off the Vine. Please welcome Caitlin

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Speaker 1: Bristow to the podcast.

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Speaker 2: Thank you so much for having me.

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Speaker 1: Thank you for being on the I Choose Me podcast.

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Speaker 1: This is so exciting to have you here. I want

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Speaker 1: to start by asking you, why are you such a

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Speaker 1: bad as.

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Speaker 2: They go? Anyone's ever said to me? I Sometimes I

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Speaker 2: think I am, and other times I'm like no, If

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Speaker 2: I feel like a fraud.

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Speaker 1: That's natural.

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Speaker 2: I do feel like just like life will put you through.

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Speaker 2: You know, life be lifeing sometimes and I feel like

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Speaker 2: that only makes you stronger. And I feel like maybe

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Speaker 2: a little hint of where I grew up with the

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Speaker 2: I grew up mixed with like being I don't know,

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Speaker 2: chewed up and spat out on a reality TV show

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Speaker 2: made me.

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Speaker 1: I love that you just you don't give up. I

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Speaker 1: think you know, you put it all out there. I

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Speaker 1: mean even before the reality the Bachelor or the Bachelorette.

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Speaker 1: Were you always like this? Were you an outgoing kid?

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Speaker 2: You know what's funny? I always think about this. I

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Speaker 2: was painfully shy when I was little and I couldn't

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Speaker 2: even make eye contact. I couldn't be in like I

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Speaker 2: got stage fright and I was a dance her. But

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Speaker 2: I don't know what happened. Something switched in high school.

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Speaker 2: I remember, like the twelfth grade being like, I'm I'm

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Speaker 2: going into being an adult as I thought, but at

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Speaker 2: eighteen that was the legal like drinking age in Alberta,

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Speaker 2: in Canada where I grew up, So I was like,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to be an adult. I have to like

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Speaker 2: put myself out there. And I just like changed my

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Speaker 2: mindset and I remember being like, just just do what

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Speaker 2: you're you think you're scared of, Like nobody cares, nobody's

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Speaker 2: looking at you, nobody's staring nobody's thinking anything. It's not

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Speaker 2: that deep. And I remember switching my mindset in like

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Speaker 2: out of nowhere in the twelfth grade, and then all

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Speaker 2: through my twenties, I just remember having this best friend

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Speaker 2: who was she was probably seven years older than me,

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Speaker 2: and I feel like she just inspired me and she

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Speaker 2: didn't give a fuck, and she just lived her life

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Speaker 2: so authentically and I saw the way she just I

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Speaker 2: lived this authentic life and she was just so grounded

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Speaker 2: and happy, and I was like, I'm going to learn

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Speaker 2: from this woman. And still to this day, she's one

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Speaker 2: of my best friends, and I feel like I still

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Speaker 2: learn from her, and I.

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Speaker 1: Always the best.

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Speaker 2: I always trying to give her credit, and she's like,

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Speaker 2: you did it, Caitlin, And I was like, kid, can

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Speaker 2: you help me?

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Speaker 1: That's the best? You said you at eighteen you kind

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Speaker 1: of had this epiphany. Did you have any therapy or

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Speaker 1: prior to that?

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Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, I would have been even more advanced.

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Speaker 2: I thought. I thought I had it figured out at eighteen.

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Speaker 2: Also like a blessing and a curse, because you haven't,

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Speaker 2: you know, experienced things at eighteen that you that you're

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Speaker 2: going to do. But at nineteen, my world kind of

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Speaker 2: got rocked. I lost my best friend and we were

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Speaker 2: like sisters and we had attaching fences in our backyards

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Speaker 2: and our sisters were best thank you, and our parents

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Speaker 2: were best friends. And it was just like like a

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Speaker 2: pretty big loss for me. And then I went to Vancouver.

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Speaker 2: I was living in a very small town in It's

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Speaker 2: called the Duke, Alberta in Canada. And I went to

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Speaker 2: Vanko because I had gotten a dance scholarship and so

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Speaker 2: I was going to dance with this company and do

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Speaker 2: some auditions. And I ended up dancing with this company

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Speaker 2: and also being a CFL, the Canadian Football League cheerleader,

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Speaker 2: and I just would always be like, how would Lindsay

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Speaker 2: be living her life? Was my friend that past, and

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Speaker 2: I feel like I chose to kind of like because

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Speaker 2: we were so similar and because we were like sisters,

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Speaker 2: I kind of chose to live the way that I

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Speaker 2: think she would be proud of and the way she'd

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Speaker 2: want to live in the way I was inspired to

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Speaker 2: live through her. So I feel like that kind of

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Speaker 2: rocked my world and set me up for the path

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Speaker 2: that I went on. And I ended up staying in Vancouver.

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Speaker 2: And if it wasn't for all these little tiny shifts

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Speaker 2: in my life that happened nothing. You know, I wouldn't

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Speaker 2: be here where I am today. So, like I said,

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Speaker 2: like get right at the get go of this podcast,

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Speaker 2: it's kind of like when life gets you, that's when

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Speaker 2: you you learn that how resilient you are.

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Speaker 1: I guess for sure, and you just have to learn

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Speaker 1: to listen to your instincts and follow the path that's

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Speaker 1: unfolding in front of you. Did you feel like when

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Speaker 1: you were a kid you had like you were destined

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Speaker 1: for something bigger than what's the name of the time due?

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yes, I really did. It was so funny. My

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Speaker 2: sister and I could not be more opposite. She's like,

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Speaker 2: honestly the loveliest human I've ever met, and she's so selfless.

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Speaker 2: And I'm not saying I'm not like she was always

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Speaker 2: just craving this life of staying in the small town

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Speaker 2: having a family that was just like that is her

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Speaker 2: happy place, and I was always like, get me out

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Speaker 2: of here. I felt stuck. I felt like I wasn't

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Speaker 2: supposed to be there. I felt like I was supposed

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Speaker 2: to like when I moved to Vancouver. Still, you know,

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Speaker 2: it's kind of it's not massive, but I was like,

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Speaker 2: I'm in the big leagues now, like this is a

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Speaker 2: big city, and I just I felt like I was

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Speaker 2: always called to do like scary things, but to me

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Speaker 2: it didn't feel scary, Like going on national television to

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Speaker 2: a lot of people would be scary. And I was like,

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Speaker 2: I was like, oh, it was a little late, like

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Speaker 2: I'm almost thirty, but okay, here we go. Like I

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Speaker 2: just I knew something like that was going to be

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Speaker 2: in my life. I don't know I do that, but

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Speaker 2: I think, you know, women are intuitive, but I also

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Speaker 2: just sometimes you just have that feeling like there's a

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Speaker 2: reason you asked, right, because sometimes people do have that feeling.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean sometimes it's not us. We need somebody

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Speaker 1: else to see that potential in us. And for me,

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Speaker 1: it was my main manager, Randy James, who I met

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Speaker 1: when I was I think six fifteen. I'm still with

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Speaker 1: him today's yeah, we're still together. But like, who is

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Speaker 1: your biggest cheerleader when you are growing up? Who was

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Speaker 1: there to make you take those big swings?

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Speaker 2: Yeah it was it was definitely my mom. My mom

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Speaker 2: was a professional ballerina her whole life, and so she

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Speaker 2: taught me dance she used to have a dance studio,

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Speaker 2: and she's kind of beautiful by the way. Oh, and

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Speaker 2: she's such a firecracker, Like that looks fun. She is

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Speaker 2: so fun, and she's just always been like encouraging to

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Speaker 2: kind of like dance at the beat of my own drum.

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Speaker 2: She's never told me to follow some sort of path.

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Speaker 2: I mean, I do think she was very happy that

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Speaker 2: the path I was on was like kind of her

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Speaker 2: path and she was living vicariously through me, though I

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Speaker 2: actually loved doing what I was doing too, So I

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Speaker 2: feel like she was always her and my dad they

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Speaker 2: were very much like, you know, like they kind of

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Speaker 2: always had me believing that I was so unique and

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Speaker 2: I needed to follow my own path and Caitlyn's going

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Speaker 2: to do what she wants to do, and let's kind

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Speaker 2: of like encourage her instead of stop her. They never

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Speaker 2: forced me to go to college. I was like, no,

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Speaker 2: I'm going to be a dancer, and they kind of

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Speaker 2: just they always supported my dreams and my quirkiness. I

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Speaker 2: would say, like, I just I feel like they never

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Speaker 2: made me feel like I was supposed to be anything

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Speaker 2: else but myself, And I feel like that's kind of

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Speaker 2: you know, when you just live. Yeah, living true to

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Speaker 2: yourself things for a line.

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Speaker 1: And that's so cool that your parents were so supportive

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Speaker 1: like that. I wanted to ask you, since you've come

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Speaker 1: onto the scene, you've always just been authentically you. I

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Speaker 1: think that's why so many people are drawn to you.

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Speaker 1: You've been really open that. It hasn't always been an

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Speaker 1: easy road. I think was when you were in your twenties,

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Speaker 1: you said you struggled with an addiction to valium. Can

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Speaker 1: you share with us how you got through that.

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Speaker 2: Yes, again, that's where my parents will come in. But

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Speaker 2: I you know, growing up in my twenties in Vancouver,

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Speaker 2: I'm thinking, you know, I'm going to get some sort

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Speaker 2: of dance gig. I always thought I would be like

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Speaker 2: traveling the world as a dancer. And as I went through,

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Speaker 2: like you know, twenty to twenty five, I was doing

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Speaker 2: the grind. I was living four people in a one

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Speaker 2: bedroom apartment, dancing at night, working at a restaurant in

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Speaker 2: the day, doing auditions, all of that kind of thing,

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Speaker 2: which I'm sure you're familiar with as well. And I

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Speaker 2: at twenty five twenty six, you know the old story

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Speaker 2: of I met a boy and he was this Canadian

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Speaker 2: hockey player, and in my mind, I thought, well, I'll

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Speaker 2: just you know, go wherever he goes and he's successful,

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Speaker 2: and I'll live his life and that I'll just find

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Speaker 2: my own thing to do along the way. And I

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Speaker 2: think I completely lost myself to this person. I financially, emotionally, spiritually,

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Speaker 2: in every way relied on this one guy and thought,

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Speaker 2: you know, this is it for me. I'm going to

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Speaker 2: get married, We're going to have a family. And I

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Speaker 2: was kind of all over the place with him. We

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Speaker 2: were in Winnipeg, Canada, and then Anaheim, and then Newfoundland, Canada,

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Speaker 2: and then Germany, and I just you know, in Germany,

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Speaker 2: I had no friends. The German team, all the wives

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Speaker 2: were German. They kind of all had their friends, and

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Speaker 2: I thought, you know, I'm going to travel Germany and

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Speaker 2: I worked two jobs before I went, but I just

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Speaker 2: started getting stuck in this little room that we lived in.

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Speaker 2: This is so crazy to think back on, but I

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Speaker 2: was totally addicted to call of duty like video games.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh. I never would have thought that.

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Speaker 2: It's so funny to think back on because I'm like, oh,

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Speaker 2: that poor girl. I just want to go for a

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Speaker 2: hug so bad. But I would just sit there and

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Speaker 2: I would drink and I would play video games, and

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Speaker 2: I would just wait on him to get home from practice,

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Speaker 2: and then he'd go on the road and I would

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Speaker 2: just sleep all day. And I became shell of myself

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Speaker 2: and I couldn't work. And I realized that I am

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Speaker 2: such a go getter and I love to do things

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Speaker 2: and you know, meet people and all these things, and

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Speaker 2: I wasn't doing any of it. And we ended up

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Speaker 2: breaking up because he basically looked at me and he

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Speaker 2: was like, you are not meant for this life. I

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Speaker 2: see how miserable you are. I got very depressed, and

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Speaker 2: on top of being very depressed, he left me. And

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Speaker 2: I had no education, no job, I could not go

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Speaker 2: back to dancing, didn't have a dollar to my name,

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Speaker 2: I didn't have anywhere to live, and I my whole

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Speaker 2: world just felt like it got rocked. Because that also

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Speaker 2: it does sound silly, but I know how real it

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Speaker 2: is to lose somebody like that is also going through grief.

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Speaker 2: And I loved I loved him so much, and so

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Speaker 2: my mom said, I'm booking you a flight. She lived

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Speaker 2: in Phoenix at the time, and I was I was

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Speaker 2: not okay. I was saying very scary things. And she

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Speaker 2: picked me up at the airport with my stepdad and

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Speaker 2: we didn't even go home. We went straight to a

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Speaker 2: walk in clinic and I had to take a bunch

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Speaker 2: of tests and paperwork, and you know, you had to.

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Speaker 2: It was like a basically a test of how suicidal worried.

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Speaker 2: And I had never felt like that in my whole life.

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Speaker 2: I was always pretty like fun and outgoing, and I

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Speaker 2: was just rock bottom. And they put me on without

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Speaker 2: even really talking through it. They put me on valum

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Speaker 2: and an antidepressant. And when you've never taken anything like

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Speaker 2: that before and you start feeling completely numb, that is

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Speaker 2: a beautiful feeling compared to depression. And so I thought,

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Speaker 2: I can just take this pill and not feel anything,

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Speaker 2: and I would. Nobody gave me a limit on it.

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Speaker 2: Nobody really walked. You know. My mom didn't have too

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Speaker 2: much information on this, so she just so heartbroken watching

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Speaker 2: me just be the shell of myself. And every day

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Speaker 2: I would just sleep and take a pill and go

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Speaker 2: back to sleep. And that happened for honestly too long,

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Speaker 2: and my parents really had to do something about it

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Speaker 2: because I had to wean myself off and it was

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Speaker 2: probably you know, I ended up being sneaky about it,

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Speaker 2: not telling them when I was taking it, and they

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Speaker 2: just kind of were there for me during all of it,

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Speaker 2: and they said, this isn't you like go back to Vancouver.

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Speaker 2: My friend said I could live on his couch. I

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Speaker 2: stayed on my friend's couch and I just got myself like,

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Speaker 2: little by little. My mom said, baby steps, baby steps,

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Speaker 2: is all you need to do right now. We're here

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Speaker 2: to support you financially. And I took little baby steps.

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Speaker 2: If I got out of bed that day, that was

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Speaker 2: a small win. If I walked out and got a coffee,

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Speaker 2: that was a small win. I eventually worked myself up

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Speaker 2: into going to a restaurant and filling out an application

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Speaker 2: to host to work my way up in a restaurant,

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Speaker 2: and just little by little through the support of friends

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Speaker 2: and family and then therapy. That's when I got into therapy.

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Speaker 2: Baby steps got me where I needed to get to be.

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Speaker 1: Oh, you should be so proud of yourself, not only

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Speaker 1: for how far you've come, but also for being really

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Speaker 1: vulnerable and sharing that part of your life with the world,

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Speaker 1: because it's that kind of honesty that creates impactful connections

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Speaker 1: with people all over the world who are dealing with

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Speaker 1: similar things to you.

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Speaker 2: Perhaps, Yeah, I actually couldn't believe. So I think also

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Speaker 2: a part of how I grew up, I didn't I didn't,

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Speaker 2: you know, grow up doing auditions for TV. I didn't

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Speaker 2: know how TV worked. I didn't know what overnight success

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Speaker 2: looked like with a platform. And so I think I've

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Speaker 2: just always been like, what isn't everyone this honest? And

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Speaker 2: that has gotten me in trouble, but that's also built

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Speaker 2: a beautiful community. And I always vulnerability creates connection, It

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Speaker 2: creates community, and I couldn't believe how much people were

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Speaker 2: craving that in a world of social media. I was like, oh,

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Speaker 2: I didn't even realize the impact that could have by

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Speaker 2: sharing a story.

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Speaker 1: Right, It's it's wild. You don't think it until you

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Speaker 1: do it, and then you just feel so connected to

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Speaker 1: the people who are in similar situations.

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Speaker 2: Yes, and just hearing it. Like I used to get

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Speaker 2: a little bit overwhelmed if people would come up and

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Speaker 2: be like, because you know, on the Bachelorette, you get pigeonholed,

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Speaker 2: you get pigeonholed into this one dimensional character. And I

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Speaker 2: got overwhelmed by people coming up to me and saying

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Speaker 2: like I can't believe what you did and this and this,

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Speaker 2: But then it started turning into you, you know your

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Speaker 2: podcast is really helped me, or how honest you are

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Speaker 2: has really helped me. And now I just like want

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Speaker 2: to hug everyone. I just like love it so much.

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Speaker 3: And the people are like, oh I was scared to

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Speaker 3: say hi, I'm like no, please like run and jump

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Speaker 3: in my arms.

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Speaker 2: I just think it's so cool now.

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Speaker 1: It really is. How do you choose to show up

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Speaker 1: for yourself? Now?

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Speaker 2: Every day I was thinking how good of timing this

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Speaker 2: podcast was because I just came out of a three

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Speaker 2: day therapy retreat that I did in Nashville. I ended

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Speaker 2: up actually doing some equine therapy with a horse.

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Speaker 1: And oh my god, I'm so jealous right now.

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Speaker 2: Oh it was beautiful work. Like I've I've done some

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Speaker 2: really heavy stuff. I did this program called Hoffman where

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Speaker 2: I did some inner child work, and I've done a

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Speaker 2: lot of therapy and I loved it so much, and

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Speaker 2: I just choose, like I think, at this point in

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Speaker 2: my life, I really understand kind of it's kind of

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Speaker 2: clockwork for me when I have tough times. So I

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Speaker 2: suffer pretty badly from hormonal depression. And I don't know

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Speaker 2: why it took me so long into my thirties to

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Speaker 2: realize that's what it was like every time, same time,

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Speaker 2: every month. I'm like, oh, so, I just I really

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Speaker 2: choose to, like look at where I'm at in my cycle,

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Speaker 2: if I'm being completely honest and give myself banks for

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Speaker 2: certain things, and I feel I have therapy I do

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Speaker 2: once every two weeks, and even if I don't feel

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Speaker 2: like going, and even if I feel like I have

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Speaker 2: nothing to learn or nothing to say, I always walk

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Speaker 2: away being like I'm so glad I did that. It's

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Speaker 2: kind of like, you know, moving your body or going

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Speaker 2: to the gym, or I always joke about how it's

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Speaker 2: like going to the gym and having sex. It's like,

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Speaker 2: why did it feel so good once you get there?

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Speaker 2: Why were you so hesitant to that place? It's like

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Speaker 2: that's for me too, And I felt like another thing

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Speaker 2: that I really do. I lift heavy weights, and I

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Speaker 2: never thought I would do that. I always hated working out,

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Speaker 2: and now just I feel so mentally strong after coming

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Speaker 2: out of a workout that that's become something I really

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Speaker 2: do for myself. And how I show up for myself

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Speaker 2: and then I would say the last thing is And

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Speaker 2: I still struggle with this, but I will have pep

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Speaker 2: talks with myself in the mirror, like if somebody was watching.

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Speaker 2: I live by myself and sometimes I'm like, I should

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Speaker 2: have brother cameras in here, like it is hilarious how

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Speaker 2: I talk to myself. I'll look in the mirror. I'll

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Speaker 2: be like, oh, you look so and then I go, no, no, no,

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Speaker 2: we don't talk to ourselves that way. And then I'll

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Speaker 2: find something I love about myself. I'll give myself my fives.

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Speaker 2: I'll like go do a gratitude circle with my freaking dogs,

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Speaker 2: like I'll hold up paws. And it's like, over all

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Speaker 2: the years of doing things, you know that learning lessons,

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Speaker 2: and you kind of just build up this the as

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Speaker 2: they call the toolbox, you know, for people who know

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Speaker 2: what that is obviously, who listen to your podcasts, and

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Speaker 2: you know it's it becomes easier over time to snap

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Speaker 2: out out of it, but there's nothing wrong with not

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Speaker 2: snapping out of it either.

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Speaker 1: Right, And I think once you really determine, like I

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Speaker 1: am a person that's a little chemically imbalanced, and you've

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Speaker 1: gotten specific about it, that it's connected with your cycle.

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Speaker 1: Once you nail it down and figure it out, it's

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Speaker 1: less scary, and you know you can you can accept

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Speaker 1: that about yourself and not be shameful of it, you know,

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Speaker 1: because there's a lot of shame around depression, I feel like.

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Speaker 2: And I still do, even though I could sit here

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Speaker 2: and talk about it all day, Like, I still do

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Speaker 2: find myself having shame around it, even though you know,

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Speaker 2: how we we have this thought and I know a

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Speaker 2: lot of people bring this up lately, is that two

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Speaker 2: things can be true at once. I can suffer depression

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Speaker 2: and I can also be very vulnerable, and I can

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Speaker 2: also be very happy, and I can also be very sad.

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Speaker 2: And I am a human being feeling the full spectrum

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Speaker 2: of emotions in a day, and it's it's I do

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Speaker 2: feel shame around it sometimes, but thanks to podcast like

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Speaker 2: yours and people talking about it, it's like there's really

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Speaker 2: nothing to be ashamed of. And I also do have

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Speaker 2: the chemical imbalance. And obviously I'm not a doctor, but

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Speaker 2: like going on medication for me changed my whole life

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Speaker 2: because and what the doctor said to me, and what

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Speaker 2: I've heard a lot is people say, if you had

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Speaker 2: a heart condition, you'd take medication. If you have a balance,

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Speaker 2: take medication. You know. Again, go talk to your doctor

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Speaker 2: and whatever you believe in. But for me, personally helping

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Speaker 2: myself through medication and therapy has like changed my whole

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Speaker 2: whole life.

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Speaker 1: I'm so happy for you. It sounds like your toolbox

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Speaker 1: is full, yes, of great things to get you through

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Speaker 1: tough times like that. And yeah, also in relationships, like

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Speaker 1: if anybody ever makes you feel ashamed or like you're

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Speaker 1: too much or you're just I had this a lot, Caitlin.

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Speaker 1: I was always told I was too emotional. Yeah, And

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Speaker 1: it was hard for me because you know, I played

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Speaker 1: like the this character for ten years in my very

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Speaker 1: formative developmental years who was experiencing trauma after trauma after

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Speaker 1: trauma on the show. And that definitely had an effect

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Speaker 1: on me. But I came to the place where I

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Speaker 1: was like, yeah, I am emotional, and I'm going to

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Speaker 1: switch it to say I'm emotionful and I actually love

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Speaker 1: that about myself now.

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Speaker 2: Yes, And how long did it take you to love

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Speaker 2: that about yourself?

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Speaker 1: Oh gosh, I am going to say not until I

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Speaker 1: was out of a relationship where I didn't feel good

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Speaker 1: about myself. It was in my early forties.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, see. And that's so inspiring because I think

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Speaker 2: a lot of people think there's an age on where

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Speaker 2: you should be, oh my gosh, or with where you're

401
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Speaker 2: at in life, and not only career, but emotionally financially.

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Speaker 2: Everybody has this idea where they're supposed to be. And

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Speaker 2: I'm like, I bet you I'll get on my deathbed

404
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Speaker 2: hopefully in like one hundred and five and I'll go

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Speaker 2: I still don't think I got it.

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Speaker 1: I mean truly it. Everybody's on their own schedule.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly. And relationships really will make you

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Speaker 2: believe something that is not true about yourself if it's

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Speaker 2: one you know and it's it's the benefit of hindsight

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Speaker 2: is always looking back and saying, oh, I just I

411
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Speaker 2: actually wasn't even myself in that relationship, and what that

412
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Speaker 2: person was making me feel bad about is actually something

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Speaker 2: that's that's part of who I am, that's part of

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Speaker 2: my DNA, and that can be something that's actually beautiful instead.

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Speaker 1: Of exactly exactly. You said something about society. Do you

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Speaker 1: feel that the bullshit societal pressures that we are all

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Speaker 1: put under, but specifically that you should be in a

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Speaker 1: certain stage of life already at your age. How do

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Speaker 1: you handle that? Because I think so many women are

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Speaker 1: like you, living fierce, independent, cool lives, but they still

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Speaker 1: feel stuck or like something is wrong with them because

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Speaker 1: they haven't got the husband or the kids or whatever

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Speaker 1: else it is that they need quote unquote to have.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, I once in a while will like go into

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Speaker 2: a like, oh god, because I'm turning forty this year,

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Speaker 2: which I know, I feel like that's like I've always

427
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Speaker 2: been made to feel like that's scary. But then I'm like,

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Speaker 2: I still feel twenty five, and I just I almost

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Speaker 2: feel better than I did it twenty five. Actually I'm

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Speaker 2: taking better, yes, myself, I have more like wisdom and knowledge.

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Speaker 2: I'm more a more evolved version of myself. And I

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Speaker 2: always heard people talk about, you know, forty's are the

433
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:44,960
Speaker 2: best and it just gets better and better, and now

434
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:48,040
Speaker 2: I believe it so, but I do. I still have

435
00:22:48,119 --> 00:22:51,080
Speaker 2: moments where I'm like, I kind of giggle sometimes when

436
00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:54,760
Speaker 2: I look around and I go, I'm I'm hyper independent.

437
00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:57,600
Speaker 2: I'm almost the opposite now where I'm like I think

438
00:22:57,640 --> 00:22:59,600
Speaker 2: I could have a baby on my own. I think

439
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:03,520
Speaker 2: I could on my own like my therapist will be like,

440
00:23:03,640 --> 00:23:07,119
Speaker 2: that's also a trauma response, because I like, I'm like,

441
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,000
Speaker 2: but it's an option.

442
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:13,080
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's often, and I think that's empowering because I'm

443
00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:17,360
Speaker 3: I'm just I did this whole visualization the other day

444
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,840
Speaker 3: with I have a talk about tools in the belt.

445
00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:21,960
Speaker 2: I've got a therapist, I've got a spiritual coach. I

446
00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,800
Speaker 2: have this she's like an intuitive coach, and we're doing

447
00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:29,199
Speaker 2: this visualization and she was asking me to picture like

448
00:23:29,400 --> 00:23:32,440
Speaker 2: you can wake up anywhere in the world and you're

449
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,600
Speaker 2: with anyone you want, Like, what is your perfect day?

450
00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:37,679
Speaker 2: And it was so funny because like it's it's a

451
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:39,399
Speaker 2: perfect world, so I can make it up. I have,

452
00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,439
Speaker 2: you know, it can be outrageous. And I was in

453
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,479
Speaker 2: Hawaii for like one hour of the day. But what

454
00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:47,440
Speaker 2: I found was I I was like, well, I woke

455
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:50,000
Speaker 2: up in my own bed, in my home with my

456
00:23:50,160 --> 00:23:52,840
Speaker 2: dogs and no one else. And she's like, isn't that

457
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:56,600
Speaker 2: beautiful that that was your actual Like you got into

458
00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:00,240
Speaker 2: a meditation, you were picturing your perfect day and you

459
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:03,159
Speaker 2: were with yourself. And I'm like, that is really cool.

460
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:05,040
Speaker 2: And I wouldn't have said that five years ago.

461
00:24:05,240 --> 00:24:09,000
Speaker 1: You know, Yes, You've come so far. I'm so proud

462
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:09,199
Speaker 1: of you.

463
00:24:09,400 --> 00:24:10,879
Speaker 2: I know I would go through the screen and give

464
00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:11,320
Speaker 2: you a hunk.

465
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:20,720
Speaker 1: Can we talk about relationships a little. People have followed

466
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,080
Speaker 1: you finding love first on the Bachelor, then on the Bachelorette,

467
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:27,840
Speaker 1: you know, and you were engaged and that didn't work out, right,

468
00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:30,680
Speaker 1: and then you found love again. Yeah, and that didn't

469
00:24:30,680 --> 00:24:34,120
Speaker 1: work out, which, by the way, is absolutely okay.

470
00:24:34,080 --> 00:24:35,320
Speaker 2: Totally, I'm with you.

471
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,920
Speaker 1: We have to try things on first to see how

472
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:41,280
Speaker 1: they fit. You know, when I was like single and

473
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:45,800
Speaker 1: in my forties, I went through a number of let's

474
00:24:45,840 --> 00:24:50,680
Speaker 1: call them, ill fitting relationships, and I learned so much

475
00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,720
Speaker 1: about myself and I feel like you are. You know,

476
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:55,400
Speaker 1: you are living that right now.

477
00:24:56,040 --> 00:25:00,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, I honestly I go back and if I could

478
00:25:00,560 --> 00:25:03,800
Speaker 2: talk to that X that absolutely broke me, I would

479
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:08,639
Speaker 2: thank him because that alone, that one breakup, made me

480
00:25:08,840 --> 00:25:13,639
Speaker 2: think I can get through anything. Anything get through through

481
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,560
Speaker 2: you know, between losing my best friend and the guy

482
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,320
Speaker 2: I thought I was going to marry, I was like, Okay,

483
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:22,679
Speaker 2: I didn't think I could get through those two things.

484
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,400
Speaker 2: And I came out of it more spiritual, I came

485
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,920
Speaker 2: out of it much stronger and knowing myself a million

486
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:36,919
Speaker 2: times better. So now I just think, like the relationship

487
00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:39,640
Speaker 2: that ended from the Bachelorette, I had a hard time

488
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:42,159
Speaker 2: with that one, but again not as bad compared to

489
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:46,800
Speaker 2: that breakup from the Germany Times, and I went, this

490
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,040
Speaker 2: is awful, but I'm going to get through this and

491
00:25:49,119 --> 00:25:51,719
Speaker 2: I know what I deserve and that wasn't it. And

492
00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:58,320
Speaker 2: then the second one was like more of If I'm

493
00:25:58,359 --> 00:26:03,400
Speaker 2: being completely honest, in this moment, I think I was

494
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:07,639
Speaker 2: caught up in everything this guy was because he was

495
00:26:07,680 --> 00:26:11,879
Speaker 2: everything that one wasn't and I just thought, well, he

496
00:26:11,920 --> 00:26:13,720
Speaker 2: does this, and he does this, and he has this

497
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:17,159
Speaker 2: on paper, and the internet seems to support us, and

498
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,600
Speaker 2: I kind of like fell into my own little trap

499
00:26:19,680 --> 00:26:23,960
Speaker 2: of what was real and what wasn't. And I think

500
00:26:24,080 --> 00:26:27,600
Speaker 2: that I changed a lot through that relationship. I think

501
00:26:27,680 --> 00:26:31,679
Speaker 2: that person changed tremendously through the relationship, and we just

502
00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:35,080
Speaker 2: were not compatible at all whatsoever at the end. And

503
00:26:35,119 --> 00:26:38,800
Speaker 2: it was one of the easier breakups I've had, even

504
00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:41,400
Speaker 2: though it was an engagement. We had dogs together, thought

505
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:44,480
Speaker 2: our life was together, and I walked away from it

506
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:49,760
Speaker 2: so confident, and now I just almost the bad part

507
00:26:49,760 --> 00:26:52,120
Speaker 2: about it is almost me saying, you know, the hyper

508
00:26:52,200 --> 00:26:55,560
Speaker 2: independent trauma response, as my therapist calls it, where I'm like,

509
00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:58,919
Speaker 2: I'm like, relationships are so hard.

510
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:02,679
Speaker 1: Uh, yours preaching to the choir.

511
00:27:03,320 --> 00:27:07,560
Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm just like it scares me now because I'm

512
00:27:07,640 --> 00:27:10,879
Speaker 2: just like, you know, you think you know somebody and

513
00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:15,040
Speaker 2: you think it's right, and three years down the road

514
00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,439
Speaker 2: that person could not be right for you anymore, and

515
00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:18,200
Speaker 2: it's scary.

516
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:24,080
Speaker 1: Do you think you give in to I call them

517
00:27:24,119 --> 00:27:27,600
Speaker 1: my non negotiables, Like I made a list of what

518
00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:31,000
Speaker 1: it was that was just not ever going to work

519
00:27:31,040 --> 00:27:32,760
Speaker 1: for me in a relationship, what I didn't want, and

520
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:35,720
Speaker 1: I was, you know, being very specific and kind of like, well,

521
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,720
Speaker 1: I'm really narrowing this down. I don't know who's going

522
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:41,080
Speaker 1: to fit into this category. But have you done that?

523
00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:46,320
Speaker 2: Oh yes, Oh my gosh. And I I laugh every

524
00:27:46,320 --> 00:27:50,160
Speaker 2: time at my list because it'll be like, no more

525
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:51,880
Speaker 2: bachelor guys, Caitlin.

526
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:54,240
Speaker 1: Oh my god. Okay, I'm so happy to hear you

527
00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,680
Speaker 1: say this. I'm really feeling like you need to go

528
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:01,600
Speaker 1: elsewhere to find okay, or that.

529
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:07,159
Speaker 2: I honestly don't. I just feel like I'm I have

530
00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:10,960
Speaker 2: I have a list, like obnoxiously long list, and some

531
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:15,119
Speaker 2: of them I go Caitlin like, don't you can bend

532
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:17,480
Speaker 2: on that one? But I'm just like, am I making

533
00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:18,960
Speaker 2: it too hard on myself? Way? Wait?

534
00:28:18,960 --> 00:28:20,439
Speaker 1: Wait, what's when you could bend on?

535
00:28:21,840 --> 00:28:25,159
Speaker 2: Like I don't want them to have a podcast? I

536
00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:28,040
Speaker 2: feel like I feel like the podcast actually like tore

537
00:28:28,480 --> 00:28:30,120
Speaker 2: us a part of my last relationship.

538
00:28:30,440 --> 00:28:32,600
Speaker 1: Okay, get a guy that doesn't have a podcast. It's

539
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:33,240
Speaker 1: not that hard.

540
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,040
Speaker 2: Every guys, I feel like every you know that trend

541
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:38,240
Speaker 2: where people will be like, hey, there's a guy without

542
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:41,920
Speaker 2: a podcast, and You're like, where because every he has

543
00:28:41,960 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 2: a podcast, which I love because I love the podcast

544
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:46,760
Speaker 2: community so much. But I'm like, why is that? Why

545
00:28:46,840 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 2: is that all my non negotiable? I guess because I

546
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:49,800
Speaker 2: have trauma from it?

547
00:28:50,160 --> 00:28:54,880
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I feel you though. I I was married

548
00:28:54,880 --> 00:28:58,760
Speaker 1: to an actor for a long time. I'm always around actors, wow,

549
00:28:59,280 --> 00:29:02,440
Speaker 1: And I was trying to make the actor thing work,

550
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:05,560
Speaker 1: but it did not work for me whatsoever. Yeah.

551
00:29:05,800 --> 00:29:09,480
Speaker 2: You probably have this common bond with somebody if they're

552
00:29:09,520 --> 00:29:11,680
Speaker 2: in the same industry as you and you've been through

553
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,960
Speaker 2: similar situations and you do it's exactly that word. You

554
00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:18,400
Speaker 2: bond over it and then it's like, Oh, they understand

555
00:29:18,440 --> 00:29:21,480
Speaker 2: me and I understand them, and I don't know something.

556
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:23,680
Speaker 1: You get a little fooled, Yeah, you do get.

557
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,960
Speaker 2: I feel like I've been bamboozled in the past.

558
00:29:26,160 --> 00:29:27,000
Speaker 1: Bamboozled.

559
00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:27,920
Speaker 2: That's such a good word.

560
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:33,280
Speaker 1: You've been so open though, Like with your journey to

561
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:37,640
Speaker 1: love and breakups. How are you feeling about another relationship?

562
00:29:37,680 --> 00:29:39,440
Speaker 1: Will you let it be in the public.

563
00:29:40,120 --> 00:29:45,040
Speaker 2: I probably won't until it is, like, you know, I

564
00:29:45,440 --> 00:29:48,200
Speaker 2: always talk about the foundation of a relationship, and in

565
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:53,320
Speaker 2: my last two the foundation was built online, like in

566
00:29:53,400 --> 00:29:56,720
Speaker 2: front of people, and I just feel like I really

567
00:29:56,760 --> 00:30:00,600
Speaker 2: would like to try a different approach this time. And

568
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:03,640
Speaker 2: although I am like, I kind of find myself feeling

569
00:30:03,640 --> 00:30:07,080
Speaker 2: guilty about that because I do share so much, and

570
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,000
Speaker 2: I do feel like that's part of who I am,

571
00:30:10,000 --> 00:30:12,840
Speaker 2: as an open book and sharing everything and not caring

572
00:30:12,840 --> 00:30:18,120
Speaker 2: what people think. But when it comes to dating right now,

573
00:30:18,160 --> 00:30:21,120
Speaker 2: I just feel like I want to keep it so sacred.

574
00:30:22,080 --> 00:30:25,560
Speaker 2: Same thing with my house. I you know, I thought

575
00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,480
Speaker 2: about doing this big house tour and showing everybody, and

576
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:31,480
Speaker 2: I'm like, I think I'd like to keep my relationship

577
00:30:31,640 --> 00:30:33,960
Speaker 2: that part of my heart and my home sacred for

578
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:39,600
Speaker 2: me right now and not open it up to even

579
00:30:39,640 --> 00:30:42,720
Speaker 2: though it's so much love and support and joy, there's

580
00:30:42,720 --> 00:30:45,160
Speaker 2: a lot of criticism and I'm just like wanting to

581
00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:49,120
Speaker 2: just build this healthy foundation first and then I'm sure

582
00:30:49,160 --> 00:30:51,920
Speaker 2: eventually I would share, but in this moment right now,

583
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:53,920
Speaker 2: I think I want to keep it myself.

584
00:30:54,680 --> 00:31:00,360
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think your instinct is absolutely right, because all right,

585
00:31:00,800 --> 00:31:05,160
Speaker 1: being sharing and being open is such a beautiful, vulnerable

586
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:09,160
Speaker 1: quality that you have. You have to honor that in yourself,

587
00:31:09,200 --> 00:31:09,400
Speaker 1: you know.

588
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:14,120
Speaker 2: Yeah. I just I'm like, I you know, when you

589
00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:17,400
Speaker 2: see people online where you're like and then they break

590
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:20,000
Speaker 2: up and you're like what, And it's so shocking because

591
00:31:20,040 --> 00:31:22,200
Speaker 2: you like were inspired with them, you look up to them.

592
00:31:22,440 --> 00:31:25,480
Speaker 2: And I myself just because like even in my other

593
00:31:25,720 --> 00:31:29,080
Speaker 2: relationships that I've shared online, those those things still happened.

594
00:31:29,160 --> 00:31:31,880
Speaker 2: There was still those moments that we shared, but there's

595
00:31:31,960 --> 00:31:33,120
Speaker 2: always something.

596
00:31:32,920 --> 00:31:36,400
Speaker 1: Absolutely you never know what's going on behind closed doors.

597
00:31:36,560 --> 00:31:39,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, And I just I think that's part of a relationship.

598
00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:41,720
Speaker 2: To me, feels like I need to put all beautiful

599
00:31:41,760 --> 00:31:44,240
Speaker 2: things out there because I don't know if people want

600
00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,840
Speaker 2: to even see messy things like that or be like, well,

601
00:31:46,880 --> 00:31:49,120
Speaker 2: why are you sharing that, So I feel like, you know,

602
00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,160
Speaker 2: right now, let's just let's keep it all to ourselves.

603
00:31:52,440 --> 00:31:55,520
Speaker 1: I like that idea, they do. Do you think that

604
00:31:55,640 --> 00:32:00,480
Speaker 1: any of your relationship ups and downs have changed your

605
00:32:00,920 --> 00:32:07,800
Speaker 1: outlook on marriage in general? Maybe you know, not going

606
00:32:07,840 --> 00:32:10,520
Speaker 1: public is a step in the right direction.

607
00:32:10,600 --> 00:32:14,440
Speaker 2: But I just go like I really do. I was

608
00:32:14,480 --> 00:32:17,360
Speaker 2: never one of those girls that grew up being like

609
00:32:17,880 --> 00:32:20,080
Speaker 2: I can't wait for my wedding day and blah blah.

610
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,240
Speaker 2: Like I was always like, oh my gosh.

611
00:32:22,120 --> 00:32:26,240
Speaker 1: Really yeah, yeah, But I think you're like me. You

612
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,400
Speaker 1: love love. I love love.

613
00:32:28,720 --> 00:32:31,080
Speaker 2: I do. I am a sucker for it. I really

614
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:33,880
Speaker 2: am a sucker for it too, And so I do.

615
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:36,480
Speaker 2: I do like the idea of marriage. I do like

616
00:32:36,520 --> 00:32:38,840
Speaker 2: the idea of having a family. But I don't know

617
00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:41,120
Speaker 2: if anything's changed. I feel like I still have the

618
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:44,320
Speaker 2: same like sometimes I think I need to soften up

619
00:32:44,320 --> 00:32:46,920
Speaker 2: a little bit on because I do love love. But

620
00:32:46,960 --> 00:32:51,040
Speaker 2: I try to be too tough sometimes and my friends

621
00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 2: always call me an undercover softy because I act so

622
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:56,520
Speaker 2: hard on the outside with like, yeah, I don't know

623
00:32:56,560 --> 00:32:58,200
Speaker 2: if I want to get nearried, But they're like, you

624
00:32:58,480 --> 00:33:01,920
Speaker 2: you are a lover, like I am, deep down, and

625
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:06,160
Speaker 2: I just think I've always I don't know. I think

626
00:33:06,160 --> 00:33:09,480
Speaker 2: I've always had the same beliefs and thoughts and ideas

627
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:11,880
Speaker 2: of what love is. It's just I think I've maybe

628
00:33:13,960 --> 00:33:17,200
Speaker 2: gotten more secure in my own self so I can

629
00:33:17,360 --> 00:33:18,960
Speaker 2: like talk about it differently now.

630
00:33:20,520 --> 00:33:25,120
Speaker 1: Yeah. I mean, I'll say this with all sincerity. I

631
00:33:25,160 --> 00:33:29,000
Speaker 1: know it's hard because I've been through it all. Yeah,

632
00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:32,680
Speaker 1: when you go through all of that heartbreak, though, how

633
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:36,360
Speaker 1: do you choose love again?

634
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:41,600
Speaker 2: I don't know. I honestly I don't. I wish I

635
00:33:41,600 --> 00:33:44,120
Speaker 2: had an answer. I don't know. I feel like I

636
00:33:44,240 --> 00:33:47,360
Speaker 2: talked about that this past weekend at this it's like

637
00:33:47,400 --> 00:33:50,080
Speaker 2: an intensive It was so beautiful, it was so cool.

638
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,280
Speaker 2: It was so scary. It was so messy and great

639
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:52,880
Speaker 2: and lovely.

640
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:54,360
Speaker 1: That's awesome.

641
00:33:54,640 --> 00:33:57,720
Speaker 2: Yeah, but I did talk about that. I was like,

642
00:33:58,480 --> 00:34:01,000
Speaker 2: you'd think the older you get in, the more wisdom,

643
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,280
Speaker 2: the more heartbreak and the more lessons, you would feel

644
00:34:04,280 --> 00:34:07,120
Speaker 2: more confident going into another relationship. But I actually feel

645
00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:11,160
Speaker 2: like I'm more confident in myself and I'm less confident

646
00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:14,640
Speaker 2: and more insecure about real love. And I think that's

647
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 2: okay because that's where I'm at right now. And that's

648
00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:20,120
Speaker 2: where you're at. Yeah, And I still like, I feel

649
00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:23,279
Speaker 2: like I'm always this walking contradiction. I have so many

650
00:34:23,280 --> 00:34:25,960
Speaker 2: different thoughts at the same time, so many different beliefs,

651
00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,640
Speaker 2: so many ideas and things that I go why I

652
00:34:28,680 --> 00:34:30,799
Speaker 2: just said the opposite and then I'm saying this, and

653
00:34:30,880 --> 00:34:32,600
Speaker 2: I do it all the time. But I'm like, that's

654
00:34:32,640 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 2: just part of who I am. And I just have

655
00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:40,239
Speaker 2: so many different thoughts around relationships and love that I

656
00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:43,239
Speaker 2: actually don't know how to answer that question because I

657
00:34:43,239 --> 00:34:45,640
Speaker 2: don't know how to believe in it. Again, I just

658
00:34:46,239 --> 00:34:49,239
Speaker 2: I do. I just don't know how to explain it

659
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:51,080
Speaker 2: or do it, or I don't know.

660
00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:56,320
Speaker 1: I think you're exactly right. You are in the space

661
00:34:56,480 --> 00:35:00,560
Speaker 1: of loving yourself right now, and in our to do that,

662
00:35:00,600 --> 00:35:04,520
Speaker 1: you have to be all in, you know, and you

663
00:35:04,560 --> 00:35:10,319
Speaker 1: don't need somebody else's opinions or you know, parameters defining

664
00:35:11,239 --> 00:35:15,600
Speaker 1: you getting to love yourself. Yeah, I've been there. It

665
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:20,759
Speaker 1: wasn't until I was after my second divorce and i'd

666
00:35:20,800 --> 00:35:22,520
Speaker 1: been with him for a long time. We had three

667
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:26,600
Speaker 1: beautiful kids together, and it wasn't until after that that

668
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:28,839
Speaker 1: I started to do the journey and started to do

669
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:31,239
Speaker 1: the work and find who I really was because I

670
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:37,080
Speaker 1: had no idea. And it was in that that I

671
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:41,759
Speaker 1: fell in love with myself finally, and all I wanted

672
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:44,239
Speaker 1: to do was hang out with me yep and like

673
00:35:44,320 --> 00:35:49,319
Speaker 1: my dogs and my kids. And then that seemed like

674
00:35:49,480 --> 00:35:51,759
Speaker 1: and I know they've said this before, but that is

675
00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:52,719
Speaker 1: when it happens.

676
00:35:53,280 --> 00:35:56,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, I believe that. I totally believe that. And I

677
00:35:56,239 --> 00:36:02,160
Speaker 2: think I think somebody who's also done the work and

678
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:06,520
Speaker 2: been through their own you know things, is important and

679
00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:09,359
Speaker 2: I just feel, yeah, that's I mean, that's shown up

680
00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,760
Speaker 2: in my life right now. I'm not I'm not not dating.

681
00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:16,360
Speaker 2: I'm you know, I've I've I've been consistently on a

682
00:36:16,440 --> 00:36:19,400
Speaker 2: date with somebody, and I'm just you know, that's like

683
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:22,840
Speaker 2: as much as people know, and it's it's really like

684
00:36:23,200 --> 00:36:27,480
Speaker 2: kind of helping me believe in people. Again. I think

685
00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:29,560
Speaker 2: that's also my problem. I think it's not even love.

686
00:36:29,600 --> 00:36:34,680
Speaker 2: I think it's humans. I grew up in a such

687
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:39,520
Speaker 2: a loving environment with true friends, and I think real people,

688
00:36:39,840 --> 00:36:43,239
Speaker 2: real people, And I think going on TV and being

689
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:45,840
Speaker 2: in a world of social media has rocked my world

690
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:49,960
Speaker 2: with trust issues and using the word bamboozled again, like

691
00:36:50,000 --> 00:36:53,160
Speaker 2: where you think you know somebody and their intentions aren't

692
00:36:53,160 --> 00:36:55,279
Speaker 2: what you thought, and it's just like it rocks my world.

693
00:36:55,360 --> 00:36:56,920
Speaker 2: So I don't even know if it's about love. I

694
00:36:56,920 --> 00:36:59,520
Speaker 2: think it's about people. And I'm just like, kind of

695
00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,799
Speaker 2: what you said, I'm I'm like, how do you leave this? Hi?

696
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:04,640
Speaker 1: I have a dog with me too right now.

697
00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:08,719
Speaker 2: It's just the best. It's the absolute best. And especially

698
00:37:08,800 --> 00:37:11,440
Speaker 2: dogs because my friends and family always laugh at me

699
00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:15,560
Speaker 2: because they go Babies, dogs and old people are like

700
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,960
Speaker 2: your three favorite things because they can't hurt you. And

701
00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:19,280
Speaker 2: I was like, that's so true.

702
00:37:19,560 --> 00:37:22,440
Speaker 1: It's so true. I think that's an okay list of

703
00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:23,759
Speaker 1: things people to hang out with.

704
00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:26,480
Speaker 2: And I don't. I don't even stop at dogs. I'm like,

705
00:37:26,560 --> 00:37:29,799
Speaker 2: I want a horse now. After this last weekend, I

706
00:37:29,840 --> 00:37:32,920
Speaker 2: am destined to have a horse. All the animals. I

707
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:33,520
Speaker 2: just love it.

708
00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:43,080
Speaker 1: That's so great where you live? How's the dating pool?

709
00:37:44,520 --> 00:37:44,600
Speaker 2: Not?

710
00:37:44,800 --> 00:37:45,799
Speaker 1: What's it like out there?

711
00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:50,000
Speaker 2: I've you know, what's so funny is I've so I

712
00:37:50,040 --> 00:37:54,600
Speaker 2: live in Nashville and I've never dated, Like, I haven't

713
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:58,120
Speaker 2: been on a date with somebody here. I Nope, we

714
00:37:58,200 --> 00:38:00,800
Speaker 2: got to go to New York for that. I feel

715
00:38:00,800 --> 00:38:03,120
Speaker 2: like I feel like there's or Canada, good ones in

716
00:38:03,160 --> 00:38:06,360
Speaker 2: Canada and New York. Yes, I've only heard through the

717
00:38:06,360 --> 00:38:09,400
Speaker 2: grapevine of friends dating in Nashville that it's the worst.

718
00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:10,680
Speaker 2: But I'm not sure why.

719
00:38:12,040 --> 00:38:16,040
Speaker 1: I feel like Nashville is the new La, Like it's

720
00:38:16,080 --> 00:38:16,839
Speaker 1: a mini La.

721
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,279
Speaker 2: Yeah, I feel like Nashville is starting to do LA

722
00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:20,440
Speaker 2: better than LA does LA.

723
00:38:20,640 --> 00:38:24,640
Speaker 1: It's full of La guys. Yeah, full of musicians, two

724
00:38:24,760 --> 00:38:27,880
Speaker 1: categories that are yeah, dicey.

725
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:30,080
Speaker 2: You're right, it's the yeah and everyone's here just to

726
00:38:30,200 --> 00:38:33,680
Speaker 2: like live out their dream of being a musician. So, yeah,

727
00:38:33,840 --> 00:38:35,399
Speaker 2: I have heard it's rough out there.

728
00:38:36,719 --> 00:38:42,480
Speaker 1: Yeah, I don't envy you. I've already said I if

729
00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:45,360
Speaker 1: I have a divorce from my husband now, which I

730
00:38:45,360 --> 00:38:49,000
Speaker 1: hope that doesn't happen, I will absolutely live the rest

731
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:52,680
Speaker 1: of my life just with my animals. I fully, I'm

732
00:38:52,760 --> 00:38:55,839
Speaker 1: gonna Doris day it just move out of town.

733
00:38:56,280 --> 00:38:58,439
Speaker 2: I honestly, I think about this all the time. I'm

734
00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:02,280
Speaker 2: like a ranch in Montana with animals sounds dreams, Yeah,

735
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:03,120
Speaker 2: right up, my alley.

736
00:39:03,520 --> 00:39:08,520
Speaker 1: Absolutely. Okay. You know how patterns repeat themselves in relationships.

737
00:39:09,640 --> 00:39:12,600
Speaker 1: After you've been in and out of relationships, good and bad,

738
00:39:12,760 --> 00:39:16,640
Speaker 1: you start to recognize patterns and other people like, have

739
00:39:16,719 --> 00:39:20,319
Speaker 1: you been able to say, oh, look at this, here

740
00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:21,360
Speaker 1: are my patterns.

741
00:39:22,080 --> 00:39:27,400
Speaker 2: Oh yes, Oh, I like I call it being an awareness.

742
00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:30,280
Speaker 2: Hell after you do this my therapy, Like it's almost

743
00:39:30,920 --> 00:39:35,000
Speaker 2: I'm hyper aware of my patterns and I work on

744
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:38,600
Speaker 2: them so much. But there's it's like ingrained in me,

745
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,479
Speaker 2: and it's it's it's wild. But I think it really

746
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:45,200
Speaker 2: does stem from so my parents divorced and then I

747
00:39:45,280 --> 00:39:48,120
Speaker 2: lost my best friend. So I think I'm just truly

748
00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:52,640
Speaker 2: terrified of loss. And so I find my pattern is

749
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:57,040
Speaker 2: to look for either the other shoe to drop or

750
00:39:57,120 --> 00:40:00,319
Speaker 2: an out because I'm always having you know, my guar up,

751
00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:03,000
Speaker 2: and I'm waiting for something bad to happen. And I

752
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:07,600
Speaker 2: do feel like I punish myself by doing that. I

753
00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:09,640
Speaker 2: find that And you know, it's another funny thing that

754
00:40:09,680 --> 00:40:12,120
Speaker 2: I learned from being with a horse this weekend is.

755
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:15,680
Speaker 1: It sounds so weird, so weird.

756
00:40:16,800 --> 00:40:18,880
Speaker 2: So what I learned from being with a horse is

757
00:40:20,440 --> 00:40:24,160
Speaker 2: I was trying to lead this horse. And I pride

758
00:40:24,160 --> 00:40:26,440
Speaker 2: myself on like being an animal lover, and I'm like,

759
00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:28,560
Speaker 2: horses love me, and so I was trying to walk

760
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:30,839
Speaker 2: this horse and the horse wouldn't go with me, and

761
00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:32,799
Speaker 2: she was like, what is coming up for you? And

762
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:36,759
Speaker 2: I'm like, I'm being needy, like impatient and needy where

763
00:40:36,760 --> 00:40:40,200
Speaker 2: I'm like, come on, all animals love me, like you

764
00:40:40,320 --> 00:40:43,719
Speaker 2: come with me? Like you're embarrassing me. And she was like,

765
00:40:43,760 --> 00:40:45,279
Speaker 2: does that come up for you in your life? And

766
00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:50,280
Speaker 2: I'm like, I think I have been needy in my past,

767
00:40:50,520 --> 00:40:53,799
Speaker 2: and I think the hyper awareness now of that being

768
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:58,040
Speaker 2: a pattern, I'm so the opposite where I'm like, I

769
00:40:58,080 --> 00:41:01,439
Speaker 2: find the neediness embarrassing and I don't think it has

770
00:41:01,480 --> 00:41:03,759
Speaker 2: to be. It's it's kind of just like about being

771
00:41:03,800 --> 00:41:06,279
Speaker 2: aware of it. But it was interesting that that came

772
00:41:06,360 --> 00:41:08,800
Speaker 2: up because that's something that I've noticed in my past,

773
00:41:08,960 --> 00:41:12,560
Speaker 2: just like even though I'm this independent, strong, you know

774
00:41:12,640 --> 00:41:15,960
Speaker 2: all this, but I can be really needy in relationships

775
00:41:16,000 --> 00:41:19,719
Speaker 2: and that's when I start to lose myself. So it's

776
00:41:19,840 --> 00:41:22,120
Speaker 2: I think that would be a pattern. But most most pattern,

777
00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:26,040
Speaker 2: the biggest pattern that keeps patterning for me is probably

778
00:41:26,080 --> 00:41:28,720
Speaker 2: the fear of loss and sabotaging it myself.

779
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:32,560
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so interesting your story because you said when

780
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:36,879
Speaker 1: you're younger, you experienced these huge losses and then your

781
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:41,560
Speaker 1: life's work has become to you just have been sent

782
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,840
Speaker 1: more and more loss. Yes, in these relationships that haven't worked,

783
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:49,960
Speaker 1: And so something is really sending you a very strong

784
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:53,680
Speaker 1: message on what to focus on. Yes, in allowing yourself

785
00:41:53,719 --> 00:41:54,320
Speaker 1: that grief.

786
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:59,719
Speaker 2: Yes, it doesn't have to be so scary, like I can,

787
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:03,920
Speaker 2: I will survive. Yeah, And I keep showing myself that.

788
00:42:04,000 --> 00:42:06,280
Speaker 2: But what do they say that? Like, there's some saying

789
00:42:06,520 --> 00:42:09,160
Speaker 2: is like what you don't heal will be revealed, or's

790
00:42:09,200 --> 00:42:11,400
Speaker 2: something like it's just going to keep showing up until

791
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:13,560
Speaker 2: you heal that part of you and then and then

792
00:42:13,600 --> 00:42:15,279
Speaker 2: what I'm like, Well, if that part of me is healed,

793
00:42:15,280 --> 00:42:18,799
Speaker 2: I'll just find something else to focus on. Yep, else

794
00:42:18,840 --> 00:42:19,520
Speaker 2: to destroy.

795
00:42:19,719 --> 00:42:22,080
Speaker 1: I know there's always going to be work to do ourselves,

796
00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:24,400
Speaker 1: I think until our last breath. I sometimes I'm like,

797
00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:27,280
Speaker 1: oh my god, I'm so tired of evolving.

798
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:32,440
Speaker 2: I know it's exhausting, it's exhausting, it's so exacting. I

799
00:42:32,719 --> 00:42:35,520
Speaker 2: compare it always to I always try and think of

800
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,000
Speaker 2: my body as my home. This is where I'm constantly living.

801
00:42:38,040 --> 00:42:40,200
Speaker 2: You want to take care of it, but there's always maintenance.

802
00:42:40,239 --> 00:42:43,279
Speaker 2: Something will always be wrong, There's always going to be

803
00:42:43,320 --> 00:42:44,680
Speaker 2: something you need to fix.

804
00:42:44,600 --> 00:42:47,680
Speaker 1: Or rebroken wood around the windows, you got to get

805
00:42:47,719 --> 00:42:48,280
Speaker 1: it painted.

806
00:42:48,680 --> 00:42:52,120
Speaker 2: Yes, no matter what, there's always something And that's also

807
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,759
Speaker 2: a blessing that I have live in a home you

808
00:42:54,800 --> 00:42:57,440
Speaker 2: know that I can fix and take care of. And

809
00:42:57,600 --> 00:42:59,120
Speaker 2: I have to treat myself like that too.

810
00:42:59,719 --> 00:43:03,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, yep, Okay, you're going to be this big things

811
00:43:03,239 --> 00:43:06,279
Speaker 1: coming up for you. You're about to enter your forties

812
00:43:06,560 --> 00:43:10,479
Speaker 1: in June. What's the date, June nineteenth? June nineteenth, Yes,

813
00:43:10,560 --> 00:43:13,920
Speaker 1: that is a big milestone birthday. What do you hope

814
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:18,000
Speaker 1: to gain in your forties and what do you hope

815
00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:20,560
Speaker 1: to leave behind you from your thirties?

816
00:43:21,840 --> 00:43:27,400
Speaker 2: Okay, I hope to I hope to gain a little

817
00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:33,359
Speaker 2: more softness because I think I think that's part of

818
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:38,560
Speaker 2: my life lesson is to soften and like even even

819
00:43:39,960 --> 00:43:41,640
Speaker 2: you know, when I think of myself, and like you

820
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:43,880
Speaker 2: said at the beginning, and I'm it's like my favorite

821
00:43:43,880 --> 00:43:47,440
Speaker 2: compliment if somebody says badass, like that still means that

822
00:43:47,480 --> 00:43:49,880
Speaker 2: I can be soft, you know, like that still means

823
00:43:49,920 --> 00:43:52,279
Speaker 2: that I can and and not that I'm not. I

824
00:43:52,320 --> 00:43:57,040
Speaker 2: really am soft, but like embracing that, and I think

825
00:43:57,080 --> 00:43:59,480
Speaker 2: I think I need to let go of the fear

826
00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:02,400
Speaker 2: of life, like and that comes in every form, like

827
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:06,000
Speaker 2: I do grief counseling for when my dogs go because

828
00:44:06,040 --> 00:44:09,560
Speaker 2: I'm so scared of losing them, Like it's My best

829
00:44:09,560 --> 00:44:11,600
Speaker 2: friend said something to me the other day and I was.

830
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:12,279
Speaker 3: Like, whoa.

831
00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:14,360
Speaker 2: She goes, do you think this is your last life?

832
00:44:14,520 --> 00:44:16,239
Speaker 2: And I was like, why do you say that? And

833
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:18,560
Speaker 2: she was like, because I feel like you really are

834
00:44:18,600 --> 00:44:21,080
Speaker 2: like trying to find your life purpose and she said,

835
00:44:21,560 --> 00:44:24,800
Speaker 2: and you are so sad of like loss and time,

836
00:44:25,120 --> 00:44:28,280
Speaker 2: the passage of time. She's like more than most people,

837
00:44:28,960 --> 00:44:31,880
Speaker 2: and she lost the same it was our best friend together.

838
00:44:31,960 --> 00:44:33,879
Speaker 2: So she she's lost her dad. She said so much

839
00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:38,000
Speaker 2: loss too, but she's like, you take it harder than

840
00:44:38,040 --> 00:44:41,440
Speaker 2: most people I know. And so I'm like, oh my god,

841
00:44:41,480 --> 00:44:43,120
Speaker 2: is it my last life? I have to figure it

842
00:44:43,120 --> 00:44:43,480
Speaker 2: all out.

843
00:44:43,520 --> 00:44:45,200
Speaker 1: But I do think that I don't think that has

844
00:44:45,200 --> 00:44:47,440
Speaker 1: anything to do with it. It being your last life.

845
00:44:47,600 --> 00:44:49,680
Speaker 2: Well, I'm okay with it if it is, because I

846
00:44:49,719 --> 00:44:51,480
Speaker 2: feel like I'm I feel like this is a very

847
00:44:51,520 --> 00:44:55,200
Speaker 2: good one and I'm happy with it. And I do

848
00:44:55,239 --> 00:44:57,759
Speaker 2: feel like I'm on this like quest and search to

849
00:44:57,800 --> 00:45:01,239
Speaker 2: find like the meaning of life. And I love, But

850
00:45:01,280 --> 00:45:04,640
Speaker 2: I think I need to With all this therapy I've

851
00:45:04,680 --> 00:45:07,240
Speaker 2: done because of the loss, and with seeing every single

852
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:09,719
Speaker 2: time how I get through it, I think I need

853
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:11,880
Speaker 2: to stop focusing it on it so much. It's almost

854
00:45:11,920 --> 00:45:15,080
Speaker 2: like I'm manifest loss because I think of it so much.

855
00:45:15,480 --> 00:45:17,839
Speaker 2: I think I would like to loosen up a bit

856
00:45:17,880 --> 00:45:21,040
Speaker 2: there and maybe leave that in the past and then

857
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:25,120
Speaker 2: gain in my forties. Oh my gosh, I think I

858
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:29,840
Speaker 2: want I think I want to. The simple thing of

859
00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:31,200
Speaker 2: I think a lot of people are doing this right

860
00:45:31,200 --> 00:45:32,920
Speaker 2: now is say no to the things that like you

861
00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:33,879
Speaker 2: don't really want to do.

862
00:45:35,960 --> 00:45:37,680
Speaker 1: Because so hard, so.

863
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:41,160
Speaker 2: Hard, And I feel like, especially I do the comparison

864
00:45:41,239 --> 00:45:43,640
Speaker 2: things sometimes where I'm like, why am I not on

865
00:45:43,680 --> 00:45:46,279
Speaker 2: that carpet interviewing people, or why am I not doing this?

866
00:45:46,400 --> 00:45:49,400
Speaker 2: Or why am I? And I'm like, I've actually craved

867
00:45:49,440 --> 00:45:52,200
Speaker 2: this downtime that I'm in right now for so long,

868
00:45:52,239 --> 00:45:55,320
Speaker 2: For I mean so long ten years, I've been like, Okay,

869
00:45:55,360 --> 00:45:58,279
Speaker 2: don't go, go, go go. In my forties, I think

870
00:45:58,280 --> 00:46:00,719
Speaker 2: I want to just like reap the benefits of the

871
00:46:00,760 --> 00:46:03,160
Speaker 2: hard work and still work hard, but like kind of

872
00:46:03,200 --> 00:46:04,439
Speaker 2: like take it all in in my.

873
00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:05,920
Speaker 1: Forties appreciate it.

874
00:46:06,000 --> 00:46:07,200
Speaker 2: Yeah, appreciate it.

875
00:46:07,320 --> 00:46:13,720
Speaker 1: Yes, appreciation is the same as gratitude. And I found

876
00:46:13,800 --> 00:46:20,280
Speaker 1: so much peace in allowing myself to have gratitude because

877
00:46:20,719 --> 00:46:23,279
Speaker 1: there were so many times in my life that I

878
00:46:23,400 --> 00:46:28,200
Speaker 1: thought I was in most people's eyes, I've been so

879
00:46:28,360 --> 00:46:32,080
Speaker 1: lucky and or you know, I've had this life that

880
00:46:32,160 --> 00:46:34,640
Speaker 1: I felt almost ashamed of it.

881
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:38,399
Speaker 2: Yeah, I understand that. I mean, you you have had

882
00:46:38,400 --> 00:46:41,640
Speaker 2: a really beautiful career. You're so talented, and your your

883
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:45,799
Speaker 2: voice is so soothing by the way, like podcasts, I'm like, oh,

884
00:46:45,800 --> 00:46:48,280
Speaker 2: it's just like there's something very peaceful about your energy.

885
00:46:49,800 --> 00:46:53,399
Speaker 2: But it's yeah, it's it's that's That's a good way

886
00:46:53,400 --> 00:46:56,600
Speaker 2: to think about it, as to appreciate all the hard

887
00:46:56,600 --> 00:47:00,439
Speaker 2: work and and not that you're you're like, okay, done here,

888
00:47:00,600 --> 00:47:02,520
Speaker 2: Like you're podcasting. It's hard work, you know what I mean.

889
00:47:02,960 --> 00:47:07,520
Speaker 2: But it's appreciating where you've gotten to and loving what

890
00:47:07,560 --> 00:47:09,480
Speaker 2: you do. I think that's another thing, like choose the

891
00:47:09,520 --> 00:47:12,399
Speaker 2: things that I love to do. I love podcasting, I

892
00:47:12,440 --> 00:47:16,719
Speaker 2: love dogs, I love doing I love sharing stuff on

893
00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:18,799
Speaker 2: social media. I really do. I love doing it. I

894
00:47:18,920 --> 00:47:21,799
Speaker 2: just I need to cut back on the consuming of it.

895
00:47:21,920 --> 00:47:22,959
Speaker 2: But sharing I love.

896
00:47:23,920 --> 00:47:25,680
Speaker 1: Yeah, it's the consuming that gets you.

897
00:47:26,000 --> 00:47:26,440
Speaker 2: Yeah.

898
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:29,520
Speaker 1: I just I see myself in you so much. I

899
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:33,840
Speaker 1: think because you love so hard, yeah, is the reason

900
00:47:34,400 --> 00:47:37,600
Speaker 1: you grieve so hard at a relationship because I know,

901
00:47:37,800 --> 00:47:41,239
Speaker 1: for me, I'm the person that hangs on like I'm

902
00:47:41,280 --> 00:47:44,239
Speaker 1: the person never wants to break up. And what can

903
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:46,440
Speaker 1: I do? And how can we work on this? How

904
00:47:46,440 --> 00:47:48,920
Speaker 1: can we make it better? I know we can fix this.

905
00:47:49,040 --> 00:47:51,799
Speaker 1: And because I am a very very hard worker, and

906
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:53,520
Speaker 1: I think if I put my mind to it, I

907
00:47:53,560 --> 00:47:57,640
Speaker 1: can fix anything. And so I think that's why it's

908
00:47:57,719 --> 00:48:01,960
Speaker 1: so hard for people like us, that the grief and

909
00:48:02,440 --> 00:48:04,160
Speaker 1: just how it really hits you hard.

910
00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:06,799
Speaker 2: That's a good point. I don't know if I've ever

911
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:09,279
Speaker 2: put those two together, that when you love hard, the

912
00:48:09,360 --> 00:48:11,600
Speaker 2: loss is hard. Like that's that's a good point.

913
00:48:11,640 --> 00:48:12,120
Speaker 1: Are you do?

914
00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:14,000
Speaker 2: You know what you are on the enneagram?

915
00:48:14,480 --> 00:48:16,120
Speaker 1: What's that tell us?

916
00:48:16,239 --> 00:48:19,839
Speaker 2: Oh? You need to do it? So anyagram is actually

917
00:48:19,880 --> 00:48:23,320
Speaker 2: so hard to explain. I had like an enneagram expert

918
00:48:23,320 --> 00:48:25,680
Speaker 2: on my podcast years ago to it helped me understand it.

919
00:48:25,719 --> 00:48:29,200
Speaker 2: But it's basically there's like numbers one through nine like

920
00:48:29,239 --> 00:48:30,360
Speaker 2: a personality test.

921
00:48:30,640 --> 00:48:34,040
Speaker 1: Yes, my daughter just told me about this she's settying psychology.

922
00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:38,879
Speaker 2: Yeah, oh cool, that's amazing. Put me in touch with her.

923
00:48:39,880 --> 00:48:43,200
Speaker 2: And yeah, I'm a four with a three wing, and

924
00:48:43,280 --> 00:48:46,719
Speaker 2: I feel like there's so many similarities between us with that,

925
00:48:47,000 --> 00:48:50,000
Speaker 2: Like I would be shocked if you weren't that, because

926
00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:55,160
Speaker 2: a four like really has big feelings, very sensitive. That's

927
00:48:55,200 --> 00:48:57,239
Speaker 2: just a couple. There's like there's good and bad to

928
00:48:57,280 --> 00:49:00,600
Speaker 2: every number, but a three is also like a hard

929
00:49:00,600 --> 00:49:05,440
Speaker 2: worker and a go getter and the achiever. And I'm

930
00:49:05,520 --> 00:49:07,360
Speaker 2: so a mix of those two things. And I felt

931
00:49:07,760 --> 00:49:11,600
Speaker 2: validated and seen when I read those two types of personalities,

932
00:49:11,640 --> 00:49:13,960
Speaker 2: because I'm like, why do I think I'm the only

933
00:49:13,960 --> 00:49:16,200
Speaker 2: one out there that feels like this. I'm not. There's

934
00:49:16,239 --> 00:49:18,279
Speaker 2: so many people that feel the same way. And it

935
00:49:18,320 --> 00:49:21,400
Speaker 2: was just it was really validating to read about my numbers.

936
00:49:22,320 --> 00:49:24,759
Speaker 1: Yeah, and what you were saying before, it's so so

937
00:49:24,760 --> 00:49:27,840
Speaker 1: so important to remember that one no is a full sentence,

938
00:49:28,320 --> 00:49:32,360
Speaker 1: and two you can be strong and still be soft.

939
00:49:32,840 --> 00:49:35,560
Speaker 1: Like you said before, two things can exist at the

940
00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:36,080
Speaker 1: same time.

941
00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:38,440
Speaker 2: Yes, Like when I need to stop calling myself a

942
00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:42,360
Speaker 2: walking contradiction, I'm just like the true definition of maybe

943
00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:44,680
Speaker 2: five things being through at the same.

944
00:49:44,480 --> 00:49:47,960
Speaker 1: Time, I feel like you're really curious, You're really curious

945
00:49:48,320 --> 00:49:52,719
Speaker 1: about yourself about relationships. Like I've always also said, like

946
00:49:53,560 --> 00:49:56,279
Speaker 1: I suck at relationships. I just I can't do this,

947
00:49:56,480 --> 00:49:59,360
Speaker 1: Like I am a person that cannot have a healthy

948
00:49:59,400 --> 00:50:04,160
Speaker 1: relationship no matter what, because I will do something to

949
00:50:04,200 --> 00:50:07,880
Speaker 1: bust it open. Yeah, yeah, the same as and I

950
00:50:07,920 --> 00:50:11,960
Speaker 1: don't And just learning that about myself and then I'm

951
00:50:12,000 --> 00:50:14,879
Speaker 1: able to sort of step back and watch when it's

952
00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:17,200
Speaker 1: happening and like try to turn it around.

953
00:50:18,280 --> 00:50:20,920
Speaker 2: Yes, I have out of body experiences sometimes where I'm like,

954
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:22,000
Speaker 2: I'm doing the thing.

955
00:50:22,760 --> 00:50:23,560
Speaker 1: I'm doing the thing.

956
00:50:24,160 --> 00:50:27,880
Speaker 2: Yeah, And there are like, obviously you found love, and

957
00:50:29,440 --> 00:50:32,840
Speaker 2: you know there are people out there that see that

958
00:50:33,080 --> 00:50:35,359
Speaker 2: as the beauty that it is. You know what I mean,

959
00:50:35,680 --> 00:50:38,239
Speaker 2: that is that's what makes you you.

960
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:42,040
Speaker 1: Yeah. Yeah, I just it's so important to me to

961
00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:45,120
Speaker 1: have somebody that loves all the parts of me. Yes, oh,

962
00:50:45,160 --> 00:50:48,440
Speaker 1: my damaged parts, the parts that other people see as

963
00:50:49,120 --> 00:50:51,120
Speaker 1: extra or too much.

964
00:50:52,360 --> 00:50:55,479
Speaker 2: Yeah. I mean I watched my mom be too much

965
00:50:55,600 --> 00:50:57,120
Speaker 2: all the time, and she's like one of the biggest

966
00:50:57,160 --> 00:50:57,960
Speaker 2: inspirations to me.

967
00:50:59,000 --> 00:51:01,160
Speaker 1: Yeah, and now as you get older, like she's not

968
00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:04,120
Speaker 1: being too much, she's just being her and that's so amazing.

969
00:51:04,640 --> 00:51:09,160
Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, she is so and that like I think

970
00:51:09,239 --> 00:51:11,600
Speaker 2: she is going to live the longest life because she

971
00:51:11,719 --> 00:51:12,799
Speaker 2: just enjoys it so much.

972
00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:14,800
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I hope.

973
00:51:14,840 --> 00:51:14,920
Speaker 2: So.

974
00:51:16,040 --> 00:51:19,440
Speaker 1: Okay, before I let you go, Caitlin Bristow, what was

975
00:51:19,480 --> 00:51:20,880
Speaker 1: your last I choose me moment?

976
00:51:22,200 --> 00:51:26,200
Speaker 2: I would? I would say this past weekend where I

977
00:51:26,200 --> 00:51:28,680
Speaker 2: I you know, I have a little bit of guilt

978
00:51:28,680 --> 00:51:30,200
Speaker 2: because my best friend in the whole world it was

979
00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:33,440
Speaker 2: her husband's fortieth birthday and I would have had to

980
00:51:33,440 --> 00:51:35,640
Speaker 2: travel to Canada and I had to say no because

981
00:51:35,640 --> 00:51:39,040
Speaker 2: I had to choose me and go to this retreat.

982
00:51:39,120 --> 00:51:42,480
Speaker 2: That truly just I was like, what more can I

983
00:51:42,520 --> 00:51:44,720
Speaker 2: learn about myself? This is so fun? And I learned

984
00:51:44,880 --> 00:51:49,319
Speaker 2: so much more about myself this past weekend, and I

985
00:51:49,440 --> 00:51:52,080
Speaker 2: just I'm just such a believer in that kind of work.

986
00:51:52,239 --> 00:51:55,040
Speaker 2: So I think I really chose me this weekend.

987
00:51:55,480 --> 00:51:58,040
Speaker 1: I love it. I love it. I love you. I

988
00:51:58,120 --> 00:52:00,759
Speaker 1: think you're awesome. Thanks so much much, and I just

989
00:52:00,920 --> 00:52:03,200
Speaker 1: send you so much positivity and support.

990
00:52:03,920 --> 00:52:07,000
Speaker 2: Same to you. I honestly view there's some sort of

991
00:52:07,080 --> 00:52:11,360
Speaker 2: special energy about you, and I mean that. Oh thank you, Yeah,

992
00:52:11,360 --> 00:52:12,920
Speaker 2: thank you for having me, I really mean that

993
00:52:13,120 --> 00:52:14,239
Speaker 1: I appreciate it so much.