WEBVTT - Finding Peace While Grieving, LGBTQ+ Struggles with Pursuing Artist Miriam Lopez

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<v Speaker 1>Welcome back to the Overcome for podcast. I Am your House,

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<v Speaker 1>Jennaka Lopez, thank you guys so much for being here today.

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<v Speaker 1>I have a pretty cool guest that everybody has been requesting.

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<v Speaker 1>They've been dming me, they have been tagging me, and

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<v Speaker 1>I'm like, okay, let's do this. We have Miriam Lopez.

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<v Speaker 1>You have the same last name as me. It's kind

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<v Speaker 1>of cool that.

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<v Speaker 2>How are you. I'm good, I'm good. Super hot, super hot,

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<v Speaker 2>super hot. It's way too hot here.

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<v Speaker 1>You're nervous and very nervous, super nervous. My okay, yes,

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<v Speaker 1>So a bunch of people were tagging me and I

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<v Speaker 1>was like, you know what, let's do it. You know,

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<v Speaker 1>I thought you were in a late I was like,

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<v Speaker 1>you know what, let's fly you out, let's get you here. Obviously,

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<v Speaker 1>I've joined your lives on TikTok. You have almost five

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<v Speaker 1>hundred k on TikTok. Right. Yeah, we're getting there. You're

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<v Speaker 1>you're growing, You're doing your thing. You have a passion

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<v Speaker 1>for music and along with other things that I would

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<v Speaker 1>love to get to know you and talk about with

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<v Speaker 1>you and see what you're all about. Because when you

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<v Speaker 1>have an amazing voice, I would love to hear you sing,

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<v Speaker 1>but due to you know, copyright purposes and all that,

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<v Speaker 1>they're just you know, if you guys want to see

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<v Speaker 1>you're saying, go, what's what's the TikTok?

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<v Speaker 2>Miriam Miriam underscore.

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<v Speaker 1>Yes, Okay, if you guys want maybe later on maybe

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<v Speaker 1>if you know, we'll figure we'll see something, we'll see

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<v Speaker 1>we'll like make a clip. No, but I'm really excited

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<v Speaker 1>to get to know you, to get to know more

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<v Speaker 1>about you, how you grew up, tell me, tell me

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<v Speaker 1>all the good things about you, good and bad things.

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<v Speaker 1>I want to know.

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<v Speaker 2>What can I start with? Well, I started TikTok literally,

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<v Speaker 2>I want to say a year like the same year

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<v Speaker 2>that I got fired from my job, and I've always sorry. Uh,

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<v Speaker 2>I like, you know how with not me, I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>do anything, but you know how, you're not supposed to

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<v Speaker 2>like stop shoplifters. Okay, okay, Yeah, So apparently from my

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<v Speaker 2>understanding from their camera angle, it looked like I was

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<v Speaker 2>stopping this shoplifter. I wasn't doing anything. I mean, I

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<v Speaker 2>know that you can't really stop people, but yeah, employees

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<v Speaker 2>get fired if they even try to stop someone.

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<v Speaker 1>From you didn't know that.

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<v Speaker 2>Yeah, they get fired. If they get they try stopping,

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<v Speaker 2>like someone from stealing at all sense. It makes no sense.

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<v Speaker 2>I personally think HR had it out for me, but

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<v Speaker 2>it is what it is. It was a blessing in

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<v Speaker 2>disguise because I, you know, I have two friends that

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<v Speaker 2>were are pretty big on TikTok. They cut hair and

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<v Speaker 2>they were hearing me sing and they're like, how come

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<v Speaker 2>you've never posted a singing video on TikTok, And I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, I have, and they flop and so they're like, no,

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<v Speaker 2>you gotta keep going, like be consistent, Like the first

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<v Speaker 2>video is not gonna do good, the second video is

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<v Speaker 2>not gonna do great, and I did. I actually posted

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<v Speaker 2>an Anna Gladell cover and that's the one that kind

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<v Speaker 2>of took off. And after that it was you know,

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<v Speaker 2>Sa singing, Selena sing Jenny, And so that's how I

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<v Speaker 2>started to build, like my platform was just by doing

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<v Speaker 2>song covers. And now I'm kind of switching it up,

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<v Speaker 2>just showing a little bit more of my personality, showing

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<v Speaker 2>a little bit more of me. And I recently also

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<v Speaker 2>just lost my mom too, and so I'm kind of

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<v Speaker 2>talking a lot about grief because it's it's a part

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<v Speaker 2>of my life that I'm currently going through as well.

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<v Speaker 2>But yeah, that's how I started. I've always wanted to

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<v Speaker 2>do videos, and so I saw it as like a

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<v Speaker 2>blessing in disguis because I didn't want to. I didn't

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<v Speaker 2>want to, like put myself in a corporate job again.

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<v Speaker 2>Prior to that, I had worked at a coffee shop

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<v Speaker 2>for seven years. Yeah, they disposed of me so easily,

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<v Speaker 2>so quickly. And then I went to retail, same thing,

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<v Speaker 2>and I just kind of was tired of giving my

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<v Speaker 2>all to these places when I could do more than that.

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<v Speaker 2>And so here I'm on TikTok and it's got me

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<v Speaker 2>really cool opportunities, this one right now. Like I'm trying

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<v Speaker 2>to play it cool, but I'm actually really excited. I

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<v Speaker 2>think that's why I was sweating.

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<v Speaker 1>No, I appreciate it, and I agree, like sometimes corporate

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<v Speaker 1>is not meant for a lot of people, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>and you have a lot of potential outside, you have passion,

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<v Speaker 1>you have ideas, you have talent, like many other people

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<v Speaker 1>in the world. It takes a lot of balls I gots,

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<v Speaker 1>you know, yeah, pardon my you know, I don't care,

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<v Speaker 1>but whatever. Anyways, it takes a lot to leave that

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<v Speaker 1>and to be dependent and figure out your life after

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<v Speaker 1>you know you're taking a risk. Has it been scary?

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<v Speaker 2>Though it has been. It has been because, believe it

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<v Speaker 2>or not, it sounds really funny, but I took me

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<v Speaker 2>getting fired really hard because I have given my all

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<v Speaker 2>to jobs. I am a people person. I love making

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<v Speaker 2>connections with regulars. Some regular customers from the coffee shop

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<v Speaker 2>I'm still friends with, you know. I I've seen some

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<v Speaker 2>of their kids grow up and stuff, and I don't

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<v Speaker 2>I don't know. It felt very harsh to be let go,

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<v Speaker 2>like I was. Yeah, And I was like, Okay, I

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<v Speaker 2>need to take some time off and figure out what

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<v Speaker 2>I want to do, Like what do I want to do?

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<v Speaker 2>I've I can obviously give my all to these companies.

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<v Speaker 2>Why can't I do that for myself? And so I

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<v Speaker 2>started posting videos and yeah, and I got in cool opportunities.

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<v Speaker 2>I performed in San Antonio Fiesta, which is a huge

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<v Speaker 2>festival in San Antonio, and I had an amazing time.

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<v Speaker 2>It was incredible, biggest crowd I've ever sang in front of.

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<v Speaker 2>And just any opportunities like that, I tend to take

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<v Speaker 2>them just because I don't feel like they're gonna come again.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's I mean, that's honestly why I'm here today too,

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<v Speaker 2>because I've been wanting an opportunity like this and if

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<v Speaker 2>I don't take them, then you know, I don't feel

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<v Speaker 2>like they're gonna come again.

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<v Speaker 1>Well, I'm so happy to give you the platform and

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<v Speaker 1>to be able to I don't know, for me more importantly,

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<v Speaker 1>it's like to have a conversation and get to know

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<v Speaker 1>you and to know the person behind the voice, because

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<v Speaker 1>I think people take that for granted and they don't

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<v Speaker 1>understand it. And you really, betting on yourself has gotten

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<v Speaker 1>you here. And I'm not saying I'm like the biggest

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<v Speaker 1>like podcast or whatever, because girl, you're gonna go farther

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<v Speaker 1>than I.

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<v Speaker 2>Actually no, Like, it's so insane because I feel like

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<v Speaker 2>I've been so connected to your family in some sort

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<v Speaker 2>of way. Jackie, your sister is incredible. She's the first

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<v Speaker 2>person to ever go live with me. I gave an

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<v Speaker 2>idea to Cheeky's I never in my life would have

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<v Speaker 2>thought that she was going to see my video and

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<v Speaker 2>she saw.

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<v Speaker 1>It's the one the how she should start Yes concert, Yes, yeah,

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<v Speaker 1>that one.

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<v Speaker 2>And that's when you came on my live and I

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<v Speaker 2>was like, no, this is insane. There's no way. Your

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<v Speaker 2>brother Johnny is super sweet, uh and super shout out

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<v Speaker 2>to him, Tamien. When everything was happening with my mom, Tamian,

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<v Speaker 2>he reached out to me and I just think you

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<v Speaker 2>guys are so sweet, and I just I have nothing

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<v Speaker 2>but good things to say about you guys, just because

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<v Speaker 2>you guys are always so sweet to me.

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<v Speaker 1>Oh, it's okay, thank you. All right, you guys, we're

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<v Speaker 1>gonna go on a quick break and we'll be right

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<v Speaker 1>back with Miriam. Welcome back, you guys. All that you

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<v Speaker 1>are married. Yes, So tell me about obviously you're coming

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<v Speaker 1>out and the journey. Obviously being in a Hispanic household,

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<v Speaker 1>I feel like I don't know. I don't know that,

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<v Speaker 1>and everybody's different and it's very relatable to a lot

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<v Speaker 1>of people. So what was the journey like for you?

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<v Speaker 2>Oh? It was really hard. It was super hard. My

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<v Speaker 2>mom was Jehovah's witness and so and so it was

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<v Speaker 2>really hard going through high school for one and trying

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<v Speaker 2>to understand who I was because I just couldn't. I

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<v Speaker 2>had I won't lie. I think this is the first

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<v Speaker 2>time saying it. I had boyfriends, but wasn't comfortable, and

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<v Speaker 2>I started liking this girl in math class and more

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<v Speaker 2>than a friend, and eventually, you know, I started to

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<v Speaker 2>not care. And I think that was where I messed

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<v Speaker 2>up personally, just because I was just thinking about myself.

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<v Speaker 2>And I feel like you should think about yourself. But unfortunately,

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<v Speaker 2>if you don't have a plan, you don't know how

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<v Speaker 2>your family can reacture. And unfortunately my mom took it

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<v Speaker 2>really rough. It was really hard for her because I felt,

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<v Speaker 2>I think, in any household, your parents expect so much

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<v Speaker 2>from you. They have this life planned out for you

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<v Speaker 2>that you don't even know if you want that. You

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<v Speaker 2>don't even know if like that's what you want to

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<v Speaker 2>do in your future or that's what you're yeah, And

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<v Speaker 2>I couldn't and I just couldn't do that to myself.

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<v Speaker 2>I wanted to be myself. And I did write all

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<v Speaker 2>my family letters because I couldn't. I couldn't see them

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<v Speaker 2>in the face, not because I didn't want to, like,

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<v Speaker 2>I just didn't want to feel like I disappointed them,

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<v Speaker 2>because it's not something to be disappointed about you just

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<v Speaker 2>you know, like I mean, you you like that person.

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<v Speaker 2>I don't like them for you, but you know that

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<v Speaker 2>makes you happy. It is what it is, and it

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<v Speaker 2>was really hard for some of my siblings. Luckily, I

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<v Speaker 2>had my brother at the time, and he was just like, hey,

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<v Speaker 2>it's not going to be easy, so just come and

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<v Speaker 2>move in with me, and my brother took me in

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<v Speaker 2>and I just kind of I think, I want to

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<v Speaker 2>say it was junior year and going into senior year

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<v Speaker 2>or write at senior year is when I came out,

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<v Speaker 2>and so I wasn't living with my mom by then,

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<v Speaker 2>and it was really hard because I loved my mom

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<v Speaker 2>and it was really, oh my god, it was really

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<v Speaker 2>hard feeling like you were letting her down, because it's

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<v Speaker 2>so hard to make people understand that, like if this

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<v Speaker 2>is really what we wanted, like we wanted to be

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<v Speaker 2>left out, or we wanted to feel like we were

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<v Speaker 2>disappointing people, this would not be the first choice that

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<v Speaker 2>we would do.

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<v Speaker 1>You know.

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<v Speaker 2>I wouldn't. I want to be like, oh, I'm I'm

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<v Speaker 2>gonna be straight just to make everyone else happy. Yeah,

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<v Speaker 2>And I couldn't. I couldn't. So it's been a long journey,

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<v Speaker 2>and it was still a long journey. Now it's it's

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<v Speaker 2>good because I actually have a niece who's also part

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<v Speaker 2>of the community. And even she said it myself that

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<v Speaker 2>she's she's made this so much, that I've made this

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<v Speaker 2>so much easier for her that, you know, because me,

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<v Speaker 2>she's able to kind of be herself more, bring her

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<v Speaker 2>girlfriends over and not have to go through what I

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<v Speaker 2>had to go through. It wasn't super super hard, but

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<v Speaker 2>it was still something very difficult. It definitely strained the

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<v Speaker 2>relationship with my mom and I a lot, and actually

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<v Speaker 2>even prior because you had asked about my mom prior

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<v Speaker 2>to my mom passing, like she didn't go to my wedding,

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<v Speaker 2>and I took it so hard. And that's where I

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<v Speaker 2>had to create boundaries where it kind of hurt me

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<v Speaker 2>to have her in my life because I always kept

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<v Speaker 2>feeling like I was letting her down. But thankfully we

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<v Speaker 2>were able to kind of mend things before you know,

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<v Speaker 2>she passed over.

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<v Speaker 1>That I hear you when you say that you don't

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<v Speaker 1>want to be a disappointment of people, because I'm a

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<v Speaker 1>people pleaser and I hated disappointing people as well. Like

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<v Speaker 1>for example, when it came with me in my relationship

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<v Speaker 1>with my mom, I never wanted to do any of

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<v Speaker 1>the things my sisters did like they were bad, you know,

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<v Speaker 1>my siblings, like they were bad. So I made it

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<v Speaker 1>my point and my goal in life to make sure

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<v Speaker 1>I never got in trouble, I never got hit. I

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<v Speaker 1>didn't want to get yelled at. If Mom said this,

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<v Speaker 1>I did this, And that flowed into my relationships even

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<v Speaker 1>to this day. And it's toxic. And I'm not blaming

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<v Speaker 1>it on her, I'm not. You know, it's a whole

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<v Speaker 1>it's a lot of mental thing and it's a lot

0:12:27.840 --> 0:12:32.240
<v Speaker 1>of the pressure. Like your mom wanted a certain way

0:12:32.280 --> 0:12:37.440
<v Speaker 1>for you, right, but what about it doesn't It just

0:12:37.440 --> 0:12:40.440
<v Speaker 1>doesn't make sense if Miriam doesn't want it, you know.

0:12:41.440 --> 0:12:45.559
<v Speaker 1>And that's okay. And I think there comes a point

0:12:45.720 --> 0:12:48.440
<v Speaker 1>where you got to start letting it go. Like the

0:12:48.520 --> 0:12:52.440
<v Speaker 1>expectations of people in general, Like I'm not necessarily saying

0:12:52.440 --> 0:12:54.920
<v Speaker 1>your mom or saying like, you know, it could be

0:12:55.000 --> 0:12:58.800
<v Speaker 1>any person jobs. You know, you expected them to take

0:12:58.840 --> 0:13:01.840
<v Speaker 1>care of you or like you were disposed or whatever,

0:13:02.200 --> 0:13:06.960
<v Speaker 1>but realistically corporate doesn't give a fuck. Yeah, yeah, you

0:13:07.000 --> 0:13:10.280
<v Speaker 1>know your mom wants this life for you, but what

0:13:10.320 --> 0:13:11.439
<v Speaker 1>are you gonna do for yourself?

0:13:11.520 --> 0:13:11.880
<v Speaker 2>Yeah?

0:13:12.000 --> 0:13:14.720
<v Speaker 1>You know what I mean. So, and that's the point

0:13:14.760 --> 0:13:18.199
<v Speaker 1>where you have to like envision your life, you have

0:13:18.240 --> 0:13:20.280
<v Speaker 1>to be confident in what you're doing. You have to

0:13:20.280 --> 0:13:22.880
<v Speaker 1>be sure, like, you know what, like I'm gonna stand

0:13:22.880 --> 0:13:25.120
<v Speaker 1>by this, I'm gonna get married to this girl. I'm

0:13:25.120 --> 0:13:27.960
<v Speaker 1>gonna do this, and I'm going to live my life happy,

0:13:28.679 --> 0:13:31.440
<v Speaker 1>you know. And it obviously, and I think it's it's

0:13:31.480 --> 0:13:32.560
<v Speaker 1>harder because.

0:13:32.240 --> 0:13:34.320
<v Speaker 2>It's your mom.

0:13:34.360 --> 0:13:35.800
<v Speaker 1>Oh my, what about your dad.

0:13:36.840 --> 0:13:42.679
<v Speaker 2>I actually don't have a relationship with him. He was

0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:46.200
<v Speaker 2>consistently like in and out of my life, and there

0:13:46.240 --> 0:13:48.880
<v Speaker 2>just came a point to where, at least from my

0:13:49.400 --> 0:13:54.120
<v Speaker 2>own heart, because I'm super freaking sensitive, I take things

0:13:54.200 --> 0:13:56.720
<v Speaker 2>very personally and I take them to heart, and so

0:13:57.600 --> 0:14:00.520
<v Speaker 2>I just kind of was so tired of being disappointed

0:14:00.559 --> 0:14:05.600
<v Speaker 2>by him and just kind of expecting him to want

0:14:05.679 --> 0:14:08.680
<v Speaker 2>to fully be there for me. And I couldn't deal

0:14:08.720 --> 0:14:11.120
<v Speaker 2>with that anymore. I felt like the only time he

0:14:11.120 --> 0:14:15.000
<v Speaker 2>he wanted to come around was, oh, I have a

0:14:15.000 --> 0:14:19.240
<v Speaker 2>new girlfriend, Orsad, and I really want you there. And

0:14:19.280 --> 0:14:22.360
<v Speaker 2>it was always like promises that he could never keep,

0:14:22.800 --> 0:14:26.720
<v Speaker 2>and I just couldn't do that anymore. I just was like,

0:14:26.840 --> 0:14:30.160
<v Speaker 2>you know what, being so okay a Stecki like I

0:14:30.200 --> 0:14:33.080
<v Speaker 2>wanted to have a relationship with you like I wanted.

0:14:33.160 --> 0:14:35.640
<v Speaker 2>It sounds so silly, but all I even wanted was

0:14:35.640 --> 0:14:38.600
<v Speaker 2>from him to like, let's go get an ice cream together,

0:14:39.720 --> 0:14:44.480
<v Speaker 2>Like literally the smallest thing could have changed everything, could

0:14:44.480 --> 0:14:48.600
<v Speaker 2>have changed everything, Like it was siempre with you know,

0:14:48.640 --> 0:14:50.640
<v Speaker 2>he would come with his new girlfriend and all their

0:14:50.680 --> 0:14:54.720
<v Speaker 2>freaking kids, and I couldn't call him dad. I couldn't.

0:14:55.040 --> 0:14:59.440
<v Speaker 2>It was it was crazy for me. Yeah, and my

0:14:59.480 --> 0:15:03.160
<v Speaker 2>mom would see my mom, she was supportive on like

0:15:03.320 --> 0:15:06.360
<v Speaker 2>me wanting to have a relationship with him. She never

0:15:06.400 --> 0:15:10.200
<v Speaker 2>talked bad about him, right, And there was a point

0:15:10.240 --> 0:15:12.400
<v Speaker 2>too where she was like, she doesn't want to go

0:15:12.440 --> 0:15:14.200
<v Speaker 2>with you, she doesn't want to go, and I'm not

0:15:14.200 --> 0:15:17.800
<v Speaker 2>going to force her to go. And I appreciated that

0:15:17.840 --> 0:15:20.000
<v Speaker 2>from my mom, like just kind of sticking up for me,

0:15:20.080 --> 0:15:22.680
<v Speaker 2>where if I wasn't comfortable, if I didn't feel like

0:15:23.440 --> 0:15:26.280
<v Speaker 2>happy going, there was just no point in me going.

0:15:28.200 --> 0:15:33.240
<v Speaker 1>Your own mental health. How many siblings do you have?

0:15:33.480 --> 0:15:37.000
<v Speaker 2>I have three, oh my god, three brothers, three sisters

0:15:37.040 --> 0:15:40.840
<v Speaker 2>and two brothers, and they're all older than me. I'm

0:15:40.840 --> 0:15:44.240
<v Speaker 2>the baby. I am the baby.

0:15:44.320 --> 0:15:48.720
<v Speaker 1>I'm the le maybe, and that's probably why your mom

0:15:48.800 --> 0:15:49.400
<v Speaker 1>was hard around you.

0:15:49.440 --> 0:15:51.680
<v Speaker 2>Maybe yeah, and I also came eight years later.

0:15:52.520 --> 0:15:55.120
<v Speaker 1>Also, you have a huge age gap. What's your relationship

0:15:55.240 --> 0:15:55.720
<v Speaker 1>like with them?

0:15:56.560 --> 0:15:59.680
<v Speaker 2>We're all good. My oldest sister, she lives out of state.

0:15:59.720 --> 0:16:02.800
<v Speaker 2>She's always been the one that's like furthest apart from

0:16:02.840 --> 0:16:07.520
<v Speaker 2>all of us. My older brother is just very like strong,

0:16:07.640 --> 0:16:13.160
<v Speaker 2>like you, you know, super private. My other sister lives

0:16:13.200 --> 0:16:17.160
<v Speaker 2>in Seattle and she's she's good. I'm really close to

0:16:17.200 --> 0:16:18.800
<v Speaker 2>one of my sisters and my younger brother.

0:16:19.520 --> 0:16:23.240
<v Speaker 1>So how was that after coming out because you said

0:16:23.240 --> 0:16:25.920
<v Speaker 1>that they it was they stopped talking to and stuff.

0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.120
<v Speaker 2>They just took it really hard, like they were just

0:16:29.160 --> 0:16:33.160
<v Speaker 2>like I need some time to process, let me think

0:16:33.200 --> 0:16:35.960
<v Speaker 2>about it. And I was just more like I'm not

0:16:36.000 --> 0:16:38.960
<v Speaker 2>doing anything bad, literally not doing anything bad, you.

0:16:38.920 --> 0:16:41.240
<v Speaker 1>Know, Or are you asking for their approval? Yeah?

0:16:41.440 --> 0:16:46.360
<v Speaker 2>No, exactly right. It was just like I think, that's

0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:50.000
<v Speaker 2>so crazy to think about that. You are so scared

0:16:50.040 --> 0:16:56.120
<v Speaker 2>to just be like I like girls, Yeah, and it'd

0:16:56.120 --> 0:16:59.320
<v Speaker 2>be like a huge problem, like, oh, I can't believe it,

0:16:59.400 --> 0:17:01.560
<v Speaker 2>And like I had all these dreams for you, and

0:17:02.000 --> 0:17:04.439
<v Speaker 2>like you had those dreams for me, I had different

0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:07.680
<v Speaker 2>ones because you never asked me about mine at all.

0:17:08.280 --> 0:17:13.360
<v Speaker 2>So it was a hard journey. But they love my wife.

0:17:13.520 --> 0:17:17.200
<v Speaker 2>My wife is in high school. No, no, thank goodness,

0:17:20.000 --> 0:17:20.600
<v Speaker 2>that was not it.

0:17:20.720 --> 0:17:22.360
<v Speaker 1>No, how did you meet wife.

0:17:23.359 --> 0:17:32.280
<v Speaker 2>At the coffee shop? Yeah? She would. She would literally

0:17:32.320 --> 0:17:35.639
<v Speaker 2>come in early mornings and I would just be like,

0:17:35.680 --> 0:17:37.760
<v Speaker 2>where are you going so early? Like why are you

0:17:37.840 --> 0:17:40.199
<v Speaker 2>up so early? And she was going on hikes. It

0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:42.479
<v Speaker 2>took us forever to actually go on a hike together.

0:17:43.359 --> 0:17:47.320
<v Speaker 2>But once we got a chance to go on a hike,

0:17:48.560 --> 0:17:52.920
<v Speaker 2>I woke up late, so she was like, Hey, we're done,

0:17:53.119 --> 0:17:55.600
<v Speaker 2>are you coming? Hey? Do you want to go? And

0:17:55.720 --> 0:17:58.719
<v Speaker 2>it was funny because she's like, honestly, I don't know

0:17:58.720 --> 0:18:01.560
<v Speaker 2>what it was because I never wait around for people,

0:18:01.680 --> 0:18:05.040
<v Speaker 2>like I'm trying to get to the hike before the

0:18:05.080 --> 0:18:09.040
<v Speaker 2>sun rises because once you start hiking back down it

0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:10.000
<v Speaker 2>gets really hot.

0:18:10.240 --> 0:18:10.639
<v Speaker 1>Is that her?

0:18:12.000 --> 0:18:15.520
<v Speaker 2>That's her? She doesn't She did not wait on people.

0:18:15.560 --> 0:18:18.160
<v Speaker 2>And I was like, okay, And it was funny because

0:18:18.400 --> 0:18:22.080
<v Speaker 2>she takes me on this hike. We couldn't find it.

0:18:22.440 --> 0:18:26.480
<v Speaker 2>We couldn't find it, and I was like, you photoshop

0:18:26.520 --> 0:18:28.640
<v Speaker 2>yourself in these pictures, don't you? Like you don't even

0:18:28.680 --> 0:18:32.000
<v Speaker 2>do the hikes. So we met up for the second

0:18:32.080 --> 0:18:36.000
<v Speaker 2>hike never talk smack again. Because she took me to

0:18:36.119 --> 0:18:42.640
<v Speaker 2>this hike that's called Spirit Falls. It was all inclined

0:18:42.680 --> 0:18:44.800
<v Speaker 2>on the way back. It was embarrassing. I was like

0:18:44.840 --> 0:18:48.040
<v Speaker 2>huffing and puffing, and I was like, that was so easy.

0:18:48.320 --> 0:18:52.760
<v Speaker 2>That was easy. Oh my gosh, it was insane. But yeah,

0:18:52.800 --> 0:18:55.240
<v Speaker 2>after that, like you know, we started hanging out more

0:18:55.280 --> 0:18:58.439
<v Speaker 2>and eventually I was just like, this is what I

0:18:58.440 --> 0:19:01.200
<v Speaker 2>want to marry. And we got married and we were

0:19:01.240 --> 0:19:02.960
<v Speaker 2>going in November. It's going to be two years.

0:19:03.160 --> 0:19:08.520
<v Speaker 1>Wow. Yeah, congratulate, thank you, thank you. So Okay, how

0:19:08.600 --> 0:19:11.760
<v Speaker 1>was your relationship with your mom during that time, because

0:19:11.760 --> 0:19:13.399
<v Speaker 1>then you said that she didn't go to the wedding

0:19:13.400 --> 0:19:15.879
<v Speaker 1>and all that stuff. Was that were you able to

0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:16.800
<v Speaker 1>bring her around?

0:19:17.200 --> 0:19:17.480
<v Speaker 2>Dude?

0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:19.680
<v Speaker 1>She was You weren't able to kiss her?

0:19:19.920 --> 0:19:23.520
<v Speaker 2>Or I don't. I'm actually not very affectionate with my

0:19:23.560 --> 0:19:28.480
<v Speaker 2>wife around people in general. Yeah, will hold hands. We're

0:19:28.560 --> 0:19:31.320
<v Speaker 2>very I think it's more like in private. But I

0:19:31.359 --> 0:19:34.439
<v Speaker 2>feel like no one's ever made us feel like we

0:19:34.560 --> 0:19:38.359
<v Speaker 2>had to be private. I'm just very private, you know.

0:19:40.160 --> 0:19:44.159
<v Speaker 2>But with my mom, my mom was just she was

0:19:44.280 --> 0:19:50.960
<v Speaker 2>very difficult. She liked my wife, but I don't I

0:19:51.000 --> 0:19:53.440
<v Speaker 2>didn't feel like she wanted to get to know her more,

0:19:53.600 --> 0:19:56.600
<v Speaker 2>just because I feel like maybe she's afraid to like her,

0:19:57.200 --> 0:20:04.359
<v Speaker 2>you know, and like show like approval and I know,

0:20:05.000 --> 0:20:11.080
<v Speaker 2>oh my god, I'm gonna cry again. When my mom passed,

0:20:11.920 --> 0:20:14.159
<v Speaker 2>she was able to talk to my wife and be like,

0:20:15.200 --> 0:20:17.400
<v Speaker 2>I know that she's gonna be okay because you're gonna

0:20:17.440 --> 0:20:23.360
<v Speaker 2>take care of her. But we were taking towards the end,

0:20:23.880 --> 0:20:29.600
<v Speaker 2>we were taking my mom to her appointments because when

0:20:29.600 --> 0:20:34.919
<v Speaker 2>I call my mom, hey, Mom, moa casar, I am mom, like,

0:20:34.960 --> 0:20:38.000
<v Speaker 2>and I really want you there. Because she was diagnosed

0:20:38.040 --> 0:20:42.000
<v Speaker 2>with cancer and it was a rare type of cancer

0:20:42.080 --> 0:20:47.199
<v Speaker 2>that whether she did CHEMEO, whether she didn't, it was

0:20:47.200 --> 0:20:50.720
<v Speaker 2>not gonna be cured. Uh. And it was a maximum

0:20:50.720 --> 0:20:53.200
<v Speaker 2>of like three to five years, and we were fortunate

0:20:53.280 --> 0:20:58.119
<v Speaker 2>enough to have her for three and it hurt me.

0:20:58.760 --> 0:21:00.360
<v Speaker 2>And some of the things that we said to each

0:21:00.359 --> 0:21:03.399
<v Speaker 2>other on that phone call, it sucks, you know, Like

0:21:03.480 --> 0:21:05.960
<v Speaker 2>she said certain things to me, I said certain things

0:21:06.000 --> 0:21:08.680
<v Speaker 2>to her. But one thing that I kept telling her

0:21:08.760 --> 0:21:10.400
<v Speaker 2>was like, Mom, you don't you don't have to walk

0:21:10.400 --> 0:21:12.680
<v Speaker 2>me down the aisle. You don't have to make a

0:21:12.720 --> 0:21:15.439
<v Speaker 2>big old scene I'm her mom, and I'm here like

0:21:15.840 --> 0:21:17.800
<v Speaker 2>I just want you to like sit there like you don't.

0:21:17.880 --> 0:21:19.200
<v Speaker 2>You don't have to do anything, you don't have to

0:21:19.200 --> 0:21:21.320
<v Speaker 2>say to anyone. I just want you present.

0:21:22.440 --> 0:21:25.280
<v Speaker 1>Was it like an like I don't Was it embarrassing

0:21:25.320 --> 0:21:25.600
<v Speaker 1>to her?

0:21:25.840 --> 0:21:31.880
<v Speaker 2>Or I just think that maybe I could be saying

0:21:31.920 --> 0:21:33.840
<v Speaker 2>it wrong. I hope don't come for me for this,

0:21:34.000 --> 0:21:39.560
<v Speaker 2>but Jehovah Hip Witness like they don't. They can't show

0:21:39.560 --> 0:21:43.600
<v Speaker 2>any sort of approval towards something that's considered like a sin.

0:21:44.880 --> 0:21:48.600
<v Speaker 2>And so she's like, you already know how I feel

0:21:48.640 --> 0:21:51.720
<v Speaker 2>about that. You know that it's against yeah, you know.

0:21:51.760 --> 0:21:53.080
<v Speaker 2>And I was like okay, Mom. I was like, but

0:21:53.200 --> 0:21:56.399
<v Speaker 2>can And it sucked because I hated to throw it

0:21:56.440 --> 0:21:58.640
<v Speaker 2>in her face where I was like, Mom, you have cancer,

0:21:58.880 --> 0:22:01.119
<v Speaker 2>can you please do this for me? Like we have

0:22:01.160 --> 0:22:04.040
<v Speaker 2>a videographer and it and it sucks when I think

0:22:04.080 --> 0:22:06.840
<v Speaker 2>of our wedding and video because god In has sweet

0:22:06.960 --> 0:22:11.960
<v Speaker 2>moments with her mom and I won't have those. And

0:22:12.040 --> 0:22:14.560
<v Speaker 2>I took it very hard. And I think the last

0:22:14.560 --> 0:22:16.520
<v Speaker 2>thing I told my mom was on that phone call.

0:22:16.560 --> 0:22:19.119
<v Speaker 2>And it's gonna sound so harsh, but I told her

0:22:19.119 --> 0:22:25.439
<v Speaker 2>if Sinlasco because it was hurtful for me, like this

0:22:25.480 --> 0:22:29.280
<v Speaker 2>is the one thing I wanted from her, and it sucked.

0:22:31.320 --> 0:22:34.760
<v Speaker 2>And we didn't talk for like a year, over a year,

0:22:36.200 --> 0:22:38.600
<v Speaker 2>and I try my best to not feel guilty for

0:22:38.640 --> 0:22:41.879
<v Speaker 2>that year that we didn't talk. But I get a

0:22:41.880 --> 0:22:44.400
<v Speaker 2>phone call from my mom, my sister actually one day,

0:22:44.440 --> 0:22:48.159
<v Speaker 2>and she goes, I'm trying to respect your boundaries, but

0:22:48.240 --> 0:22:51.280
<v Speaker 2>mom is not doing good. So we go and see

0:22:51.320 --> 0:22:55.000
<v Speaker 2>my mom and I had never like when I saw her,

0:22:55.200 --> 0:22:59.399
<v Speaker 2>just it wasn't my mom. Like she looked so sad,

0:23:00.200 --> 0:23:04.639
<v Speaker 2>she looked so sick, She looked like like she was tired.

0:23:05.359 --> 0:23:08.760
<v Speaker 2>She was she was super tired, and she just I

0:23:08.760 --> 0:23:11.960
<v Speaker 2>had never seen her like that. My mom was so strong.

0:23:13.160 --> 0:23:14.960
<v Speaker 2>And I post about this when I go and visit

0:23:15.000 --> 0:23:17.000
<v Speaker 2>her resting place, that she was such a diva, like

0:23:17.760 --> 0:23:21.040
<v Speaker 2>such a diva. Nomas was Pastilla's but her nails were

0:23:21.080 --> 0:23:24.719
<v Speaker 2>always done, her hair was always dyed, like she was

0:23:26.400 --> 0:23:28.720
<v Speaker 2>always on top of what she shouldn't have been on

0:23:28.760 --> 0:23:32.840
<v Speaker 2>top of, you know. And so it broke my heart

0:23:32.880 --> 0:23:34.520
<v Speaker 2>to see her like that. And so we got to

0:23:34.560 --> 0:23:38.080
<v Speaker 2>spend some time with her, and at that point, I

0:23:38.119 --> 0:23:41.800
<v Speaker 2>think my mom didn't care either, and I didn't care either.

0:23:41.840 --> 0:23:44.520
<v Speaker 2>I didn't if my mom would have passed and she

0:23:44.560 --> 0:23:47.840
<v Speaker 2>would have never said I'm sorry, I still would have

0:23:47.840 --> 0:23:52.639
<v Speaker 2>been okay, which we did eventually. I how we said it.

0:23:52.680 --> 0:23:56.080
<v Speaker 2>We laughed about it, and I just said that we

0:23:56.080 --> 0:23:59.200
<v Speaker 2>were cabs onas we were like we we just felt

0:23:59.240 --> 0:24:02.000
<v Speaker 2>like she felt like she was right. I felt like

0:24:02.040 --> 0:24:04.960
<v Speaker 2>I was right, and I felt that it didn't matter

0:24:05.840 --> 0:24:08.600
<v Speaker 2>seeing her in the place that she was at and

0:24:10.119 --> 0:24:11.720
<v Speaker 2>just hearing her say like, I know that you're gonna

0:24:11.720 --> 0:24:14.680
<v Speaker 2>take care of my daughter, like it meant a lot.

0:24:14.720 --> 0:24:17.640
<v Speaker 2>I know that she I felt like that was her proof, Like.

0:24:17.760 --> 0:24:20.480
<v Speaker 1>That's all you needed, that's literally all you asking.

0:24:21.119 --> 0:24:23.320
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, pretty much. It's like that I had to be

0:24:23.359 --> 0:24:27.200
<v Speaker 2>under those circumstances, you know. But we were able to

0:24:27.200 --> 0:24:30.000
<v Speaker 2>build a relationship with her towards the end, and you know,

0:24:30.080 --> 0:24:32.800
<v Speaker 2>take her to her appointments. Your wife too, Yeah, same

0:24:32.840 --> 0:24:34.679
<v Speaker 2>with my wife. My wife and I took her to

0:24:34.760 --> 0:24:39.159
<v Speaker 2>one of the appointments that broke my heart because I

0:24:39.200 --> 0:24:42.600
<v Speaker 2>felt my mom was going through so many medical changes,

0:24:43.440 --> 0:24:47.920
<v Speaker 2>her body was experienced so many things, and our parents

0:24:48.119 --> 0:24:51.400
<v Speaker 2>are so private they don't want to let their own

0:24:51.480 --> 0:24:56.280
<v Speaker 2>kids know anything, which parents don't do that, because we

0:24:56.320 --> 0:24:58.440
<v Speaker 2>felt like my mom knew and she didn't want to

0:24:58.480 --> 0:24:59.040
<v Speaker 2>tell us.

0:24:58.920 --> 0:25:01.680
<v Speaker 1>Like she knew she had a long time ago before.

0:25:02.520 --> 0:25:04.879
<v Speaker 2>We felt that she we at least personally for me,

0:25:04.920 --> 0:25:08.000
<v Speaker 2>I don't know about my brothers and sisters. I felt

0:25:08.040 --> 0:25:11.520
<v Speaker 2>like my mom knew. I felt like my mom knew

0:25:11.560 --> 0:25:14.639
<v Speaker 2>she had a certain amount of time and she just

0:25:14.720 --> 0:25:18.600
<v Speaker 2>didn't want to tell us. Because even at the hospital,

0:25:20.280 --> 0:25:25.639
<v Speaker 2>she she didn't act like she was sick. She was

0:25:25.720 --> 0:25:30.440
<v Speaker 2>just like, oh, to Machina Melancho, I'm gonna I'm gonna

0:25:30.440 --> 0:25:34.199
<v Speaker 2>go to Mexico and I'm gonna do this. And she

0:25:34.400 --> 0:25:37.040
<v Speaker 2>was strong. Told the very end, she she went when

0:25:37.040 --> 0:25:39.040
<v Speaker 2>she wanted to, and she went how she wanted to.

0:25:39.680 --> 0:25:48.280
<v Speaker 2>So sona and stubborn. Oh my goodness. But yeah, we

0:25:48.280 --> 0:25:50.560
<v Speaker 2>were able to fix so many things that I felt

0:25:50.640 --> 0:25:55.320
<v Speaker 2>like we needed to. I got to learn that, you know,

0:25:55.400 --> 0:25:57.440
<v Speaker 2>all this time, I gave credit to like my dad

0:25:57.480 --> 0:26:01.640
<v Speaker 2>because my dad used to sing, and my grandma from

0:26:01.680 --> 0:26:04.480
<v Speaker 2>my dad's side sings. But my mom told me, like

0:26:04.520 --> 0:26:09.640
<v Speaker 2>she was like, p.

0:26:11.280 --> 0:26:12.280
<v Speaker 1>Did you ever hear her sing?

0:26:12.640 --> 0:26:17.679
<v Speaker 2>We sang, Oh my god, we sing together. Yeah, I

0:26:17.720 --> 0:26:21.639
<v Speaker 2>have it. I still can't watch the video, but my

0:26:21.720 --> 0:26:25.840
<v Speaker 2>sister recorded it. We were just she was talking like

0:26:26.560 --> 0:26:32.560
<v Speaker 2>third person. She was talking and she was talking to

0:26:32.640 --> 0:26:36.040
<v Speaker 2>my sister about me, even though I was in the room,

0:26:36.080 --> 0:26:49.200
<v Speaker 2>and she was talking about like miha media and we

0:26:49.320 --> 0:26:52.080
<v Speaker 2>just shared that like moment where I was like, Mom,

0:26:52.160 --> 0:26:54.639
<v Speaker 2>you didn't tell me you sang like we could have

0:26:54.640 --> 0:27:00.840
<v Speaker 2>sang songs together all this time, and she said, and yeah,

0:27:01.000 --> 0:27:03.480
<v Speaker 2>I mean she did. Like I knew her moods by

0:27:03.520 --> 0:27:06.320
<v Speaker 2>the type of music she would have, so hmm.

0:27:06.680 --> 0:27:11.200
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, it's like, oh, she's pissed off today. Yeah, she's

0:27:11.280 --> 0:27:12.280
<v Speaker 1>really sad today.

0:27:12.720 --> 0:27:15.680
<v Speaker 2>I will say, if La Bota was playing, it was

0:27:15.720 --> 0:27:18.280
<v Speaker 2>gonna be a good day. If was playing, I was

0:27:18.280 --> 0:27:22.720
<v Speaker 2>gonna be a good good day. Yeah. And random You're like, Dad, Yeah,

0:27:22.880 --> 0:27:26.520
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, it's gonna make something she like or something.

0:27:26.560 --> 0:27:30.520
<v Speaker 2>I'm excited. Yeah, yeah it was. It was a really

0:27:30.560 --> 0:27:34.760
<v Speaker 2>hard thing to go through, and I feel like I'm

0:27:34.920 --> 0:27:38.840
<v Speaker 2>still kind of processing process and I won't I was

0:27:38.840 --> 0:27:41.959
<v Speaker 2>a little shocked when I got your message because I

0:27:42.000 --> 0:27:45.920
<v Speaker 2>have not been posting as often I feel like, which

0:27:45.960 --> 0:27:49.840
<v Speaker 2>is okay, Yeah, it feels so, I don't know, it

0:27:49.920 --> 0:27:54.200
<v Speaker 2>just feels wrong for me posting other things that don't move. Yeah,

0:27:54.600 --> 0:27:56.359
<v Speaker 2>it feels a little wrong moving on.

0:27:56.560 --> 0:28:04.840
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, yeah, it feels too wrong, and it feels undeserving,

0:28:05.560 --> 0:28:12.120
<v Speaker 1>at least for me. I get that. And I'm gonna

0:28:12.160 --> 0:28:16.800
<v Speaker 1>tell you something, as obviously someone in the same position

0:28:17.000 --> 0:28:20.760
<v Speaker 1>or understands what you're going through. You have to. I

0:28:20.840 --> 0:28:25.240
<v Speaker 1>know you have to because it's gonna eat you alive.

0:28:26.040 --> 0:28:31.119
<v Speaker 1>But in that process, you've got to acknowledge and face

0:28:31.240 --> 0:28:36.080
<v Speaker 1>the emotions. You can't put them. Do not put them away?

0:28:36.320 --> 0:28:38.880
<v Speaker 1>Do not. It'll haunt you in the back of your

0:28:38.920 --> 0:28:40.479
<v Speaker 1>head for the rest of your life. I don't want

0:28:40.480 --> 0:28:42.320
<v Speaker 1>to say the rest of your life. That's because I'm

0:28:42.360 --> 0:28:45.520
<v Speaker 1>so alive. But those thoughts don't haunt me anymore. But

0:28:45.720 --> 0:28:48.120
<v Speaker 1>you know what I mean, Like, the more you bottle

0:28:48.520 --> 0:28:52.120
<v Speaker 1>bottle it up, you start getting the anxiety, you start

0:28:52.520 --> 0:28:55.880
<v Speaker 1>getting frustrated with life. You're like, what am I gonna do?

0:28:56.080 --> 0:29:01.560
<v Speaker 1>Like no, And then you have to you have to

0:29:01.840 --> 0:29:04.840
<v Speaker 1>get your head out of what would my mom do?

0:29:05.400 --> 0:29:07.560
<v Speaker 1>Or how would my mom want this? Yeah? You know

0:29:07.560 --> 0:29:08.000
<v Speaker 1>what I mean?

0:29:08.080 --> 0:29:09.600
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, And I don't.

0:29:09.400 --> 0:29:11.560
<v Speaker 1>Know do you feel guilt to this day, Like what

0:29:11.600 --> 0:29:16.800
<v Speaker 1>do you feel it's guilty about? Or if there's anything.

0:29:17.400 --> 0:29:20.640
<v Speaker 2>Well, I write as soon as like everything happened, I

0:29:20.680 --> 0:29:23.200
<v Speaker 2>did go into grief counseling because I just felt like

0:29:23.240 --> 0:29:27.680
<v Speaker 2>it was super important to me. And my wife set

0:29:27.680 --> 0:29:29.720
<v Speaker 2>everything up. She's like, Okay, you just got to show

0:29:29.800 --> 0:29:32.760
<v Speaker 2>up and you don't have to. She's like, if you're ready, cool,

0:29:32.800 --> 0:29:36.280
<v Speaker 2>If you're not, then we can try again later. But

0:29:36.320 --> 0:29:40.400
<v Speaker 2>my biggest thing was to not feel guilty for having

0:29:40.440 --> 0:29:44.440
<v Speaker 2>my boundaries, like, because that was something really hard for me,

0:29:44.480 --> 0:29:48.640
<v Speaker 2>Like had I not taken into personal knowing that she

0:29:48.720 --> 0:29:51.920
<v Speaker 2>was never gonna change, or like if I also knew

0:29:51.920 --> 0:29:57.840
<v Speaker 2>that she was so sick, why was I so so ce? Yeah? Yeah,

0:29:57.880 --> 0:30:00.440
<v Speaker 2>And I know certain people might be like, yeah, what

0:30:00.480 --> 0:30:03.120
<v Speaker 2>you did was like messed up, but it was more

0:30:03.240 --> 0:30:06.280
<v Speaker 2>like for me, I had just had enough at that

0:30:06.360 --> 0:30:10.480
<v Speaker 2>point where I was like, momking, at least just this

0:30:10.720 --> 0:30:14.440
<v Speaker 2>one thing, Like just this one thing. I just and

0:30:14.480 --> 0:30:16.560
<v Speaker 2>I know it's something hard, and I know it's probably

0:30:16.600 --> 0:30:19.760
<v Speaker 2>asking for a lot, but I really want you there.

0:30:21.000 --> 0:30:23.520
<v Speaker 2>And I know you like my wife. I know you

0:30:23.640 --> 0:30:28.600
<v Speaker 2>like her. You just pushed yourself off so much, and unfortunately,

0:30:28.600 --> 0:30:30.760
<v Speaker 2>I feel like a lot of it had to do

0:30:30.920 --> 0:30:34.640
<v Speaker 2>with her religion, Like she pushed us so far away

0:30:35.560 --> 0:30:37.240
<v Speaker 2>that I feel like it was super hard for her

0:30:37.320 --> 0:30:42.400
<v Speaker 2>to ask for our help or ask for anything from us.

0:30:42.520 --> 0:30:47.400
<v Speaker 2>And I mean I only felt really guilty for a

0:30:47.440 --> 0:30:50.680
<v Speaker 2>little bit about the year not talking to her, Yeah,

0:30:50.760 --> 0:30:52.960
<v Speaker 2>because I feel like I missed out on a lot. Yeah,

0:30:53.000 --> 0:30:55.640
<v Speaker 2>and I could have spent more time with her, But

0:30:56.480 --> 0:30:59.320
<v Speaker 2>it was really hard. I was just you know, had

0:30:59.360 --> 0:31:01.160
<v Speaker 2>she called me and we could have talked it out.

0:31:01.960 --> 0:31:03.600
<v Speaker 2>I told her, I was like, Mom, I cried for you,

0:31:03.640 --> 0:31:05.880
<v Speaker 2>like over a year. I cried for you, and I

0:31:05.920 --> 0:31:08.720
<v Speaker 2>felt like I lost her and I grieved her before

0:31:08.760 --> 0:31:11.440
<v Speaker 2>she passed, and then I had to grieve her again.

0:31:11.720 --> 0:31:15.920
<v Speaker 2>So it was a fear of mine and it came true, unfortunately.

0:31:17.200 --> 0:31:21.200
<v Speaker 2>But even she said it. She's like, yes, yes, we

0:31:21.240 --> 0:31:33.040
<v Speaker 2>are almost and bought a gibs, which you know, she's likeas

0:31:34.200 --> 0:31:36.240
<v Speaker 2>you had to learn it from someone, which is just me.

0:31:36.440 --> 0:31:42.200
<v Speaker 2>And I want to say that I am at peace

0:31:42.280 --> 0:31:45.480
<v Speaker 2>with how she left, because she left with how she

0:31:45.520 --> 0:31:49.480
<v Speaker 2>wanted to. Like I mentioned she was, she was so

0:31:49.640 --> 0:31:54.520
<v Speaker 2>afraid of with cancer, like with losing her hair. She

0:31:54.720 --> 0:32:00.000
<v Speaker 2>was afraid of doctors telling her, you know you're gonna

0:32:00.200 --> 0:32:03.640
<v Speaker 2>leave this day in particular, and even when they had

0:32:03.640 --> 0:32:07.480
<v Speaker 2>told us, your mom only has two days. She lasted

0:32:07.560 --> 0:32:10.160
<v Speaker 2>us two weeks because she went when she wanted to go.

0:32:11.000 --> 0:32:12.120
<v Speaker 1>That's so scary.

0:32:12.200 --> 0:32:18.720
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, she uh, she fought hard and even she was

0:32:18.760 --> 0:32:23.080
<v Speaker 2>still stubborn. Yeah, but I that's why I think I'm

0:32:23.080 --> 0:32:25.080
<v Speaker 2>at peace with it, because she she left when she

0:32:25.120 --> 0:32:25.680
<v Speaker 2>wanted to go.

0:32:25.960 --> 0:32:27.880
<v Speaker 1>You think it would have been different if you didn't

0:32:27.880 --> 0:32:28.880
<v Speaker 1>talk to her, for sure?

0:32:28.960 --> 0:32:32.560
<v Speaker 2>Right, definitely. Yeah, And that's why my sister she actually

0:32:32.600 --> 0:32:34.560
<v Speaker 2>talked to my wife. I was like, this is what's

0:32:34.600 --> 0:32:39.680
<v Speaker 2>going on, and I don't know how to tell her

0:32:39.760 --> 0:32:42.880
<v Speaker 2>because I want to respect her boundaries. And then I

0:32:42.880 --> 0:32:44.920
<v Speaker 2>called my sister. She's like, I didn't want to tell you.

0:32:45.040 --> 0:32:47.920
<v Speaker 1>Of course, but.

0:32:49.960 --> 0:32:51.760
<v Speaker 2>I just I had to like.

0:32:52.240 --> 0:32:54.120
<v Speaker 1>No, yeah, all right, you guys, we're gonna go on

0:32:54.160 --> 0:32:56.120
<v Speaker 1>a quick break and we'll be right back with Miriam.

0:32:56.240 --> 0:32:58.400
<v Speaker 1>Welcome back, you guys. There reminds me a lot of

0:32:58.400 --> 0:33:01.760
<v Speaker 1>my sister's story, you know, yeah, where her and my

0:33:01.800 --> 0:33:04.520
<v Speaker 1>mom didn't get to talk and then my mom you

0:33:04.600 --> 0:33:07.000
<v Speaker 1>said exactly the same thing. She grieved her already then,

0:33:07.560 --> 0:33:09.880
<v Speaker 1>and she grieved her again when she passed away, but

0:33:10.000 --> 0:33:13.200
<v Speaker 1>without saying a word, you know. And I think that's

0:33:13.280 --> 0:33:19.720
<v Speaker 1>what's harder is that I love that God gave you

0:33:19.760 --> 0:33:23.120
<v Speaker 1>that opportunity. Yeah, the rere deem and to be able

0:33:23.120 --> 0:33:26.360
<v Speaker 1>to talk to her and hear her and provide you

0:33:26.440 --> 0:33:29.480
<v Speaker 1>and heal a part of you because you didn't go

0:33:29.560 --> 0:33:32.760
<v Speaker 1>in thinking that she was gonna approve or whatever. No,

0:33:33.040 --> 0:33:35.160
<v Speaker 1>you were going as a daughter, like to support her

0:33:35.160 --> 0:33:39.440
<v Speaker 1>and be there whatever. But that was just the extra gift, Yeah,

0:33:39.520 --> 0:33:40.920
<v Speaker 1>because that was given to you.

0:33:41.160 --> 0:33:43.800
<v Speaker 2>Because even then, when when my wife told me, she's like,

0:33:43.920 --> 0:33:45.479
<v Speaker 2>I'm going to have to tell you, and it's not

0:33:45.520 --> 0:33:49.680
<v Speaker 2>going to be easy, but I know you. She's like,

0:33:49.760 --> 0:33:52.680
<v Speaker 2>I know you, and if I don't tell you, I

0:33:52.800 --> 0:33:54.320
<v Speaker 2>know what it's going to do to you. I know

0:33:54.360 --> 0:33:57.680
<v Speaker 2>how it's going to affect you. And so when she

0:33:57.800 --> 0:34:00.719
<v Speaker 2>told me, I was like, no, I don't believe it.

0:34:00.800 --> 0:34:03.920
<v Speaker 2>I don't I don't believe it. And when I went

0:34:03.960 --> 0:34:06.560
<v Speaker 2>to go see her, my wife and my sister went

0:34:06.600 --> 0:34:09.120
<v Speaker 2>with me, and all I could do was just sit

0:34:09.160 --> 0:34:12.560
<v Speaker 2>and cry because I'm like, that is not my mom.

0:34:12.719 --> 0:34:13.880
<v Speaker 2>Like she was.

0:34:14.280 --> 0:34:15.640
<v Speaker 1>She was bad, pretty different.

0:34:15.840 --> 0:34:21.440
<v Speaker 2>She was bad, and it it sucked. It sucked, and

0:34:21.560 --> 0:34:24.000
<v Speaker 2>I felt like I didn't get to spend as much

0:34:24.040 --> 0:34:27.719
<v Speaker 2>time with her because I'm the youngest. Everyone else did

0:34:27.760 --> 0:34:31.960
<v Speaker 2>and yeah, yeah, she's only sixty five too, so I

0:34:32.000 --> 0:34:35.920
<v Speaker 2>felt like she was still pretty pretty decently young, you know.

0:34:36.440 --> 0:34:43.240
<v Speaker 1>But fuck those doctors man cancer. Yeah, I like anytime

0:34:43.280 --> 0:34:46.000
<v Speaker 1>I heard and like I hear a story about cancer

0:34:46.040 --> 0:34:49.799
<v Speaker 1>and just like it's I just feel like it's not

0:34:50.560 --> 0:34:53.359
<v Speaker 1>Maybe that's just me, But do you have any like

0:34:53.360 --> 0:34:55.440
<v Speaker 1>like what is your greeving process? Like now, do you

0:34:55.480 --> 0:34:59.640
<v Speaker 1>have anger towards something like what's like your biggest concern

0:35:00.280 --> 0:35:01.279
<v Speaker 1>or like what I.

0:35:01.239 --> 0:35:04.719
<v Speaker 2>Felt like certain for one, I felt like certain things

0:35:04.719 --> 0:35:09.200
<v Speaker 2>didn't add up to me, and something that I do

0:35:09.280 --> 0:35:11.520
<v Speaker 2>talk about on Live. As soon as like this whole

0:35:11.520 --> 0:35:14.759
<v Speaker 2>situation happened with my mom and I felt comfortable going

0:35:14.800 --> 0:35:18.120
<v Speaker 2>back on Live. I talk a lot to like the

0:35:18.239 --> 0:35:22.480
<v Speaker 2>parents and La Signoras, and because I know a lot

0:35:22.520 --> 0:35:25.120
<v Speaker 2>of them watch me where I'm like, just be truthful.

0:35:25.640 --> 0:35:29.680
<v Speaker 2>It's gonna suck, it's gonna hurt, and please let your

0:35:29.760 --> 0:35:33.799
<v Speaker 2>kids advocate for you, because I just feel like being

0:35:33.840 --> 0:35:38.520
<v Speaker 2>a minority, like you have to speak up for your parents.

0:35:38.880 --> 0:35:41.640
<v Speaker 2>Certain things are not gonna make sense. Certain things aren't

0:35:41.680 --> 0:35:42.759
<v Speaker 2>gonna add up, and.

0:35:42.960 --> 0:35:46.560
<v Speaker 1>They're not in the right space either to certain decisions.

0:35:46.040 --> 0:35:50.279
<v Speaker 2>And I felt that's how we were because even her

0:35:50.400 --> 0:35:54.520
<v Speaker 2>doctor that she trusted so so much, he never once

0:35:54.600 --> 0:35:59.640
<v Speaker 2>came in and checked in on her towards the end.

0:36:00.560 --> 0:36:03.040
<v Speaker 2>But a lot of the people who took care of

0:36:03.040 --> 0:36:05.480
<v Speaker 2>my mom, towards them, they were really sweet. There's some

0:36:05.680 --> 0:36:09.040
<v Speaker 2>that you know, they saw us and they're like, I'm

0:36:09.080 --> 0:36:12.759
<v Speaker 2>really sorry. She was so sweet. I'm so sorry for

0:36:12.800 --> 0:36:16.920
<v Speaker 2>your loss. But I did have quite a bit of

0:36:16.960 --> 0:36:20.400
<v Speaker 2>anger towards it, yeah, because I'm like, did they not

0:36:20.440 --> 0:36:23.680
<v Speaker 2>do enough for her? Was she just so far beyond

0:36:23.800 --> 0:36:30.080
<v Speaker 2>like getting any sort of healing to where you're just like, yeah,

0:36:30.120 --> 0:36:32.640
<v Speaker 2>yes with the persona mass and you know, it is

0:36:32.680 --> 0:36:37.400
<v Speaker 2>what it is. Because I felt that it just happened

0:36:37.440 --> 0:36:40.719
<v Speaker 2>so quick out of nowhere. She was like super good

0:36:41.560 --> 0:36:44.480
<v Speaker 2>and then boom, in six months, all of a sudden,

0:36:46.520 --> 0:36:50.920
<v Speaker 2>she passed. And a month prior to her passing, she

0:36:50.960 --> 0:36:53.920
<v Speaker 2>had gone to the hospital and she was there and

0:36:53.920 --> 0:36:56.840
<v Speaker 2>not once had they told us like her cancer spreading.

0:36:57.520 --> 0:36:59.000
<v Speaker 2>We found this, We found that.

0:36:59.719 --> 0:37:02.239
<v Speaker 1>There was a lot of blurred lines. Yeah, that's why

0:37:02.200 --> 0:37:05.160
<v Speaker 1>I like, I don't know, maybe that's just my trauma

0:37:05.200 --> 0:37:07.279
<v Speaker 1>talking as well, but like, because my dad had passed

0:37:07.280 --> 0:37:09.600
<v Speaker 1>away in the hospital and like pneumonia and he was

0:37:10.080 --> 0:37:12.799
<v Speaker 1>I didn't get to talk to him, like I just

0:37:13.760 --> 0:37:16.920
<v Speaker 1>I just feel like, yeah they could. I don't want

0:37:16.920 --> 0:37:19.080
<v Speaker 1>to put the blame all on doctors. Yeah right, yeah,

0:37:19.080 --> 0:37:21.680
<v Speaker 1>because there's only so much that they can do. But

0:37:21.719 --> 0:37:26.560
<v Speaker 1>then there's I always feel like there's like a hidden agenda.

0:37:26.880 --> 0:37:30.200
<v Speaker 2>Yeah you know, because again because and it's crazy you

0:37:30.239 --> 0:37:33.720
<v Speaker 2>said that because that was her main thing. It was pneumonia. Yeah,

0:37:33.800 --> 0:37:36.400
<v Speaker 2>it was. It just kind of took over her body

0:37:36.400 --> 0:37:39.799
<v Speaker 2>and it made everything else weak. But even by then

0:37:40.200 --> 0:37:42.480
<v Speaker 2>her cancer was spreading and so they were just like

0:37:44.440 --> 0:37:46.839
<v Speaker 2>it sounds so harsh. How they said it to One

0:37:46.840 --> 0:37:49.960
<v Speaker 2>of my sisters was just like felt kidneys for that

0:37:50.000 --> 0:37:53.080
<v Speaker 2>looks like a body that's just ready to go. And

0:37:53.120 --> 0:37:56.799
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, they told you, like I don't like that.

0:37:56.920 --> 0:37:57.759
<v Speaker 1>I don't like that.

0:37:58.040 --> 0:38:00.799
<v Speaker 2>No, And I was like, okay, cool, it seems.

0:38:00.480 --> 0:38:04.279
<v Speaker 1>So insensitive, Like which is their job, like to be

0:38:04.560 --> 0:38:07.279
<v Speaker 1>more sensitive, to be there, to do the most that

0:38:07.320 --> 0:38:09.840
<v Speaker 1>they can to comfort you or whatever.

0:38:11.360 --> 0:38:12.240
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, they are there.

0:38:12.480 --> 0:38:13.719
<v Speaker 1>Make it the worst experience.

0:38:13.800 --> 0:38:15.680
<v Speaker 2>There is some things that I still have, like anger

0:38:15.680 --> 0:38:20.239
<v Speaker 2>about I felt like when my mom finally passed, it

0:38:20.400 --> 0:38:23.040
<v Speaker 2>wasn't me. For me, maybe maybe for them it was

0:38:23.080 --> 0:38:25.160
<v Speaker 2>a lot longer, but for me it felt like five

0:38:25.200 --> 0:38:28.239
<v Speaker 2>minutes until they came after like, so, do you guys

0:38:28.239 --> 0:38:33.839
<v Speaker 2>have her funerals? Ad, I'm like, we're still crying, we're

0:38:33.840 --> 0:38:39.719
<v Speaker 2>still processing or still having all this hope and then

0:38:39.760 --> 0:38:43.359
<v Speaker 2>being like, so have you picked out what funeral home

0:38:43.400 --> 0:38:46.799
<v Speaker 2>she's gonna go to? Like no, because I don't want

0:38:46.840 --> 0:38:47.439
<v Speaker 2>to get.

0:38:47.400 --> 0:38:50.560
<v Speaker 1>The chills, and it just like bothers me so much. Yeah,

0:38:50.760 --> 0:38:55.879
<v Speaker 1>oh my gosh, yes, because like you're never you're never prepared. No,

0:38:56.000 --> 0:38:59.279
<v Speaker 1>nothing's ever gonna prepare you for that moment ever, ever, ever, ever,

0:38:59.360 --> 0:39:02.759
<v Speaker 1>ever in your life. Obviously, yes, those things should be

0:39:02.800 --> 0:39:06.920
<v Speaker 1>already like maybe planned whatever not. In that moment, though,

0:39:06.960 --> 0:39:08.600
<v Speaker 1>I feel like there's a time and the place for

0:39:08.800 --> 0:39:12.440
<v Speaker 1>everything and there's no rush, like your emotions have to

0:39:12.480 --> 0:39:15.640
<v Speaker 1>go through so many process like a huge process, like

0:39:15.719 --> 0:39:18.440
<v Speaker 1>first she passed away, Oh, now I gotta worry about

0:39:18.800 --> 0:39:20.799
<v Speaker 1>the casket. Now I gotta worry about what's gonna happen

0:39:20.880 --> 0:39:23.000
<v Speaker 1>with the house, let's say, or whatever, you.

0:39:22.960 --> 0:39:23.520
<v Speaker 2>Know what I mean.

0:39:23.800 --> 0:39:27.280
<v Speaker 1>And it's like, so now you're here, in this moment,

0:39:27.320 --> 0:39:30.399
<v Speaker 1>sitting in a chair and it's like all coming back again,

0:39:30.440 --> 0:39:33.239
<v Speaker 1>and it's like you think about one thing, it's like

0:39:33.320 --> 0:39:35.400
<v Speaker 1>you're processing that one and then tomorrow you're gonna be

0:39:35.440 --> 0:39:38.840
<v Speaker 1>thinking about it something else. And it's just like it

0:39:38.840 --> 0:39:40.480
<v Speaker 1>shouldn't have to be that way.

0:39:40.719 --> 0:39:44.280
<v Speaker 2>No, you know, And I don't know if maybe hopefully

0:39:44.360 --> 0:39:49.160
<v Speaker 2>it's not an insensitive question, I'll ask, But for me,

0:39:50.239 --> 0:39:52.759
<v Speaker 2>a few days before my mom passed, like I just

0:39:52.800 --> 0:39:55.719
<v Speaker 2>woke up crying. I felt it in my chest, like

0:39:55.800 --> 0:40:01.520
<v Speaker 2>something was just not right. And in one of the

0:40:01.520 --> 0:40:04.719
<v Speaker 2>weeks that she was in the hospital, I had gone

0:40:04.719 --> 0:40:07.120
<v Speaker 2>to another podcast and I was like, mam will be

0:40:07.120 --> 0:40:10.799
<v Speaker 2>back in three days. I won't be long. And the

0:40:10.840 --> 0:40:12.759
<v Speaker 2>doctors had told me, oh, yeah, she's getting better, her

0:40:12.840 --> 0:40:15.600
<v Speaker 2>numbers are looking great, and I was like, cool, I

0:40:15.640 --> 0:40:18.319
<v Speaker 2>can leave. I had a really good time with my

0:40:18.400 --> 0:40:22.040
<v Speaker 2>friend Danny. I felt like I really needed those laughs.

0:40:22.640 --> 0:40:26.160
<v Speaker 2>But the day that I landed, I felt heavy. The

0:40:26.239 --> 0:40:29.239
<v Speaker 2>day that I woke up, I just felt like my

0:40:29.440 --> 0:40:33.399
<v Speaker 2>chest was just like something was so heavy, and all

0:40:33.440 --> 0:40:35.120
<v Speaker 2>I could do was cry, and I was like, I

0:40:35.200 --> 0:40:37.440
<v Speaker 2>need to go see my mom. I need to go

0:40:37.480 --> 0:40:40.440
<v Speaker 2>see her like now, like it was a sign. And

0:40:40.480 --> 0:40:42.000
<v Speaker 2>it was that same day when they told us like,

0:40:43.880 --> 0:40:47.560
<v Speaker 2>it's not looking great and we're gonna have to start

0:40:47.560 --> 0:40:50.520
<v Speaker 2>picking out where she's gonna go. And I was like,

0:40:50.560 --> 0:40:53.279
<v Speaker 2>where she's gonna go? Like where is she gonna come home?

0:40:53.560 --> 0:40:55.839
<v Speaker 2>And they could take care of her there or they're

0:40:55.880 --> 0:40:59.239
<v Speaker 2>like no, like where her where her body's gonna go.

0:41:00.200 --> 0:41:03.000
<v Speaker 1>It's harder because there's a lot of brothers and sisters

0:41:03.280 --> 0:41:06.640
<v Speaker 1>yeah involved, right, Yes, a lot of opinions, a lot

0:41:06.640 --> 0:41:12.560
<v Speaker 1>of he did I'm assuming, tension, just a lot of emotions,

0:41:12.719 --> 0:41:17.000
<v Speaker 1>and it feels like you feel helpless, and.

0:41:16.960 --> 0:41:20.920
<v Speaker 2>No one talks about that really, of the emotions that

0:41:21.680 --> 0:41:24.760
<v Speaker 2>everyone is going through, especially when there's more kids involved,

0:41:25.480 --> 0:41:30.919
<v Speaker 2>and sucks when your family, like your parent, doesn't leave

0:41:31.000 --> 0:41:35.359
<v Speaker 2>anything clear for you. It was such a hard thing

0:41:35.480 --> 0:41:38.600
<v Speaker 2>to go through, where even for a little bit, I

0:41:38.600 --> 0:41:40.800
<v Speaker 2>did have to distance myself from my brothers and sisters

0:41:40.840 --> 0:41:45.080
<v Speaker 2>to be like, hey, none of all these things, they're

0:41:45.120 --> 0:41:47.359
<v Speaker 2>not gonna being my mom back, and so I don't

0:41:47.400 --> 0:41:50.920
<v Speaker 2>really care what happens. All I care about is that

0:41:50.960 --> 0:41:55.360
<v Speaker 2>she's she's in her resting place and she doesn't have

0:41:55.360 --> 0:41:59.680
<v Speaker 2>to worry about anything, and we're good. And like when

0:41:59.719 --> 0:42:01.160
<v Speaker 2>you guys figure out what you guys want to do.

0:42:02.040 --> 0:42:05.480
<v Speaker 2>Then we could talk, but I didn't really care for anything.

0:42:05.960 --> 0:42:08.320
<v Speaker 2>But I even with other friends that I've talked about

0:42:08.320 --> 0:42:12.960
<v Speaker 2>that I've lost a parent, it's it becomes so bad sometimes,

0:42:13.000 --> 0:42:16.760
<v Speaker 2>and I wish that it wouldn't be like that, because

0:42:16.800 --> 0:42:20.440
<v Speaker 2>it's already so hard losing someone and then having to

0:42:20.440 --> 0:42:22.840
<v Speaker 2>worry about things that is, things that are not important.

0:42:23.239 --> 0:42:26.720
<v Speaker 1>To be honest, No, and I a thousand percent agree.

0:42:26.760 --> 0:42:30.319
<v Speaker 1>And I think the one couple things I can tell

0:42:30.360 --> 0:42:38.680
<v Speaker 1>you is that death is always going to be a factor.

0:42:39.120 --> 0:42:41.000
<v Speaker 1>It's always going to be there, and it's always it

0:42:41.000 --> 0:42:44.000
<v Speaker 1>can make or break a relationship. You know, people get

0:42:44.000 --> 0:42:46.920
<v Speaker 1>divorced because of it, people break up or people. Now

0:42:46.920 --> 0:42:49.640
<v Speaker 1>I'm not saying you specifically, you're family. I'm saying relationships

0:42:49.640 --> 0:42:52.480
<v Speaker 1>in general. Yeah, the relationship with your family, like it

0:42:52.520 --> 0:42:54.880
<v Speaker 1>could really you know, it might not ever be the

0:42:54.920 --> 0:42:57.920
<v Speaker 1>same or it maybe it is. But everyone has I

0:42:57.920 --> 0:43:00.360
<v Speaker 1>think you have to understand every but he has to

0:43:00.440 --> 0:43:04.440
<v Speaker 1>understand everyone has their own healing process. You know. Definitely

0:43:04.600 --> 0:43:09.400
<v Speaker 1>mine was different with my siblings because I had already

0:43:09.440 --> 0:43:16.640
<v Speaker 1>lost a dad. You know, then obviously you know, relationships

0:43:16.680 --> 0:43:22.600
<v Speaker 1>with people like you see life very differently. Like it's

0:43:22.680 --> 0:43:27.319
<v Speaker 1>like nothing scares you. Nothing's like nothing's going to hurt

0:43:27.360 --> 0:43:30.640
<v Speaker 1>you as bad as this, And I guess that's kind

0:43:30.680 --> 0:43:32.319
<v Speaker 1>of like the good thing. And I always say this,

0:43:32.440 --> 0:43:34.600
<v Speaker 1>it's like, these are the moments are going to make

0:43:34.600 --> 0:43:37.640
<v Speaker 1>you stronger and that are going to push you and

0:43:37.680 --> 0:43:39.600
<v Speaker 1>that are going to lead you somewhere. And I know

0:43:39.680 --> 0:43:42.520
<v Speaker 1>that it sounds bad because it you know, it took

0:43:42.600 --> 0:43:45.920
<v Speaker 1>someone to pass away for this to happen. But I

0:43:45.960 --> 0:43:49.560
<v Speaker 1>think that's the beautiful thing about God's plan and that's

0:43:49.640 --> 0:43:54.359
<v Speaker 1>you know me personally, Like God's plan does have a

0:43:54.400 --> 0:43:58.359
<v Speaker 1>beautiful ending and a beautiful way of showing you that

0:43:58.440 --> 0:44:00.480
<v Speaker 1>life isn't over, you know what I mean, because it

0:44:00.480 --> 0:44:02.879
<v Speaker 1>feels like it's over, yeah, because it feels like it's

0:44:03.360 --> 0:44:07.640
<v Speaker 1>you're never gonna gain it back and that you are

0:44:08.000 --> 0:44:10.640
<v Speaker 1>just just a loss soul, like like what am I

0:44:10.680 --> 0:44:14.359
<v Speaker 1>gonna do? You know? And there's gonna be moments where

0:44:14.360 --> 0:44:18.799
<v Speaker 1>you wish you had her to see these things, you know,

0:44:19.239 --> 0:44:22.480
<v Speaker 1>and I can. I could tell you so many things,

0:44:22.600 --> 0:44:25.839
<v Speaker 1>but I think more importantly is take it day by day.

0:44:26.200 --> 0:44:27.640
<v Speaker 2>Definitely take the grief.

0:44:27.880 --> 0:44:30.040
<v Speaker 1>And I'm gonna tell you, and it's gonna sound harsh,

0:44:30.080 --> 0:44:32.680
<v Speaker 1>and I say it to everybody, like I've told only

0:44:32.840 --> 0:44:35.680
<v Speaker 1>this pain is never gonna end. Yeah, you know, it's

0:44:35.680 --> 0:44:39.280
<v Speaker 1>gonna live with you. Grief. Grief is a life going,

0:44:39.520 --> 0:44:42.919
<v Speaker 1>ongoing process. It's just a part of you know. Yeah,

0:44:43.480 --> 0:44:46.040
<v Speaker 1>it's a part of who you are. And you're gonna

0:44:46.080 --> 0:44:49.040
<v Speaker 1>live with it. You're gonna lead it, You're gonna carry

0:44:49.040 --> 0:44:53.080
<v Speaker 1>it and move forward in your life.

0:44:53.200 --> 0:44:55.080
<v Speaker 2>Yeah, because I had even seen a quote before that

0:44:55.120 --> 0:44:57.719
<v Speaker 2>too that people tend to struggle a lot more with

0:44:57.800 --> 0:44:59.640
<v Speaker 2>grief because they try to be the person that they

0:44:59.640 --> 0:45:03.040
<v Speaker 2>want to were. Yes, but you're never going to be

0:45:03.040 --> 0:45:07.000
<v Speaker 2>the same after that. So yes, And so that's where

0:45:07.040 --> 0:45:11.840
<v Speaker 2>I'm like, I get it. And I think definitely getting

0:45:11.840 --> 0:45:14.279
<v Speaker 2>that counseling was very helpful. I definitely still think I'm

0:45:14.280 --> 0:45:17.759
<v Speaker 2>gonna need more, for sure, because there's still so much

0:45:17.920 --> 0:45:19.799
<v Speaker 2>more to learn, there's still so much more to heal.

0:45:20.000 --> 0:45:23.000
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, A thousand agree. And I love that your wife

0:45:23.000 --> 0:45:23.960
<v Speaker 1>did that for you.

0:45:24.160 --> 0:45:27.120
<v Speaker 2>She's my mom was wrong for sure. I could tell

0:45:27.160 --> 0:45:29.640
<v Speaker 2>you that she didn't take care of me, And.

0:45:30.800 --> 0:45:32.560
<v Speaker 1>I think it's super power because I wish I did

0:45:32.600 --> 0:45:35.759
<v Speaker 1>it sooner, you know, Like I barely look my mom

0:45:35.800 --> 0:45:39.360
<v Speaker 1>passed away. It's gonna be twelve years ago. I barely started.

0:45:40.680 --> 0:45:45.000
<v Speaker 1>I barely feel like I forgave or let go, let go,

0:45:46.160 --> 0:45:49.200
<v Speaker 1>like maybe a year or two ago. And but it's

0:45:49.440 --> 0:45:53.280
<v Speaker 1>it's it's different, not different, but it's different because it's different,

0:45:53.320 --> 0:45:56.160
<v Speaker 1>but it's not. And I think because I get the

0:45:56.200 --> 0:46:00.560
<v Speaker 1>constant reminder like every day and stuff like people posting

0:46:00.560 --> 0:46:03.600
<v Speaker 1>and all that, and then there's birthdays. It's just different.

0:46:03.719 --> 0:46:09.839
<v Speaker 1>But anyways, it is, it's super important, like it is

0:46:09.880 --> 0:46:14.320
<v Speaker 1>a process that keeps going. And I'm grateful. I'm grateful

0:46:14.400 --> 0:46:20.440
<v Speaker 1>for it. I'm grateful because I've learned to be very strong,

0:46:20.840 --> 0:46:24.160
<v Speaker 1>like I like, I feel like if these things that

0:46:24.280 --> 0:46:26.520
<v Speaker 1>it happened to me, I would be very very weak,

0:46:27.600 --> 0:46:31.279
<v Speaker 1>weak minded. And wherever you're going or wherever you're meant

0:46:31.320 --> 0:46:34.279
<v Speaker 1>to be in your life, this is preparing you for it.

0:46:35.239 --> 0:46:38.920
<v Speaker 1>And you know, musically or whatever you want to do,

0:46:39.640 --> 0:46:42.279
<v Speaker 1>and that era like you're always going to keep her

0:46:42.320 --> 0:46:46.399
<v Speaker 1>in the back of your head. And remember, I don't know,

0:46:46.960 --> 0:46:49.560
<v Speaker 1>take it as another opportunity singing for your mom or

0:46:49.560 --> 0:46:53.839
<v Speaker 1>with your mom, you know what I mean. But on

0:46:53.880 --> 0:46:57.359
<v Speaker 1>a lighter note, on a lighter note, music wise, what

0:46:57.520 --> 0:47:00.399
<v Speaker 1>is your plan what do you want to do? What's

0:47:00.400 --> 0:47:03.080
<v Speaker 1>the goal or what what's the I know it's like,

0:47:03.280 --> 0:47:06.160
<v Speaker 1>you know you're getting into it, like what are you feeling?

0:47:07.760 --> 0:47:12.000
<v Speaker 2>I don't know. That's fine, I don't know. I personally

0:47:12.440 --> 0:47:14.719
<v Speaker 2>it's because Okay, I come from Oregon, and I know

0:47:14.800 --> 0:47:17.000
<v Speaker 2>that there's quite a bit of boudoopos out in Oregon

0:47:17.200 --> 0:47:21.719
<v Speaker 2>or Vandas. But I feel this is just from my

0:47:21.800 --> 0:47:24.040
<v Speaker 2>personal experience, because people come at me for this all

0:47:24.080 --> 0:47:31.720
<v Speaker 2>the time. I feel like it's still so hard for

0:47:31.760 --> 0:47:34.200
<v Speaker 2>me to be accepted in it. You know, I don't

0:47:34.320 --> 0:47:38.200
<v Speaker 2>dress really I don't. I don't dress typical. I have

0:47:38.360 --> 0:47:41.520
<v Speaker 2>like under these long sleeves, I have like tattoos, and

0:47:41.880 --> 0:47:46.480
<v Speaker 2>I have certain piercings. And it's just you would you

0:47:46.480 --> 0:47:48.680
<v Speaker 2>wouldn't look at me be like, she can't sing Manda,

0:47:48.800 --> 0:47:49.880
<v Speaker 2>she can't sing Madiacci.

0:47:50.080 --> 0:47:53.000
<v Speaker 1>And then she's like, let me show you that I can't.

0:47:54.440 --> 0:47:58.799
<v Speaker 2>And so I'm still trying to figure out how I

0:47:58.800 --> 0:48:01.520
<v Speaker 2>can get myself in to the music. You know, I

0:48:01.560 --> 0:48:05.919
<v Speaker 2>love doing covers. I've sang you know, for events, I've

0:48:06.040 --> 0:48:10.839
<v Speaker 2>sang for some like CUTTI bills like just opening, and

0:48:10.960 --> 0:48:14.040
<v Speaker 2>I would love to record eventually like I think that's

0:48:14.040 --> 0:48:17.600
<v Speaker 2>one of my biggest dreams, is to finally record some music,

0:48:18.200 --> 0:48:21.480
<v Speaker 2>whether it be like a cover album or or something

0:48:21.480 --> 0:48:25.319
<v Speaker 2>in general that I can give to like my supporters

0:48:25.360 --> 0:48:28.520
<v Speaker 2>who love you know, there's times where I'm on live

0:48:28.600 --> 0:48:31.200
<v Speaker 2>for two hours just singing to them and trying to

0:48:31.400 --> 0:48:35.920
<v Speaker 2>come could get in and I don't know, I I

0:48:36.000 --> 0:48:38.720
<v Speaker 2>that's always been a dream of mind to to sing, yeah,

0:48:38.760 --> 0:48:40.920
<v Speaker 2>and to do something like that, and so I would

0:48:40.960 --> 0:48:41.719
<v Speaker 2>love to do that.

0:48:41.880 --> 0:48:44.400
<v Speaker 1>I feel like it'd be cool if you were part

0:48:44.440 --> 0:48:46.560
<v Speaker 1>of like if you lied. I don't know, I feel

0:48:46.560 --> 0:48:48.759
<v Speaker 1>like I see in Mariacci, but I feel like because

0:48:48.760 --> 0:48:52.000
<v Speaker 1>I've heard your voice in that and I love it,

0:48:52.160 --> 0:48:55.239
<v Speaker 1>Like it's so like you have the perfect voice for that.

0:48:55.880 --> 0:48:57.600
<v Speaker 1>So what if like there was like a group, like

0:48:57.600 --> 0:49:01.960
<v Speaker 1>a Mariacci group, you know, like who will mean Laszivas?

0:49:02.480 --> 0:49:08.400
<v Speaker 1>But yeah, what if the you yeah like that but

0:49:08.480 --> 0:49:11.120
<v Speaker 1>obviously you could dress and whatever you could, you know,

0:49:14.080 --> 0:49:17.200
<v Speaker 1>but what if it was part of like the LGBT community.

0:49:17.640 --> 0:49:22.160
<v Speaker 2>There is actually have you heard? Have you heard of mariachis.

0:49:24.640 --> 0:49:24.719
<v Speaker 1>Is?

0:49:24.760 --> 0:49:28.240
<v Speaker 2>Actually I love their name because it's so creative coites,

0:49:28.320 --> 0:49:30.919
<v Speaker 2>but it's all just LGBTQ members.

0:49:30.680 --> 0:49:32.560
<v Speaker 1>Like why don't you do that? There's no like.

0:49:33.080 --> 0:49:36.640
<v Speaker 2>They're all out here everything. So I'm telling you Oregon,

0:49:36.760 --> 0:49:41.960
<v Speaker 2>I love you, Oregon. I love you guys, but it's hard.

0:49:42.040 --> 0:49:45.919
<v Speaker 2>There's like two Mariachi's out there. It's all like more

0:49:45.960 --> 0:49:49.640
<v Speaker 2>old school, and so I've sang with certain Mariachi's like

0:49:49.920 --> 0:49:53.440
<v Speaker 2>Dinner's one of bos, and then that's it, you know,

0:49:53.520 --> 0:49:55.680
<v Speaker 2>and it's like, you know, if you need a member,

0:49:55.800 --> 0:50:01.720
<v Speaker 2>let me know. But I know that there's definitely morepportunities here, Yeah,

0:50:01.760 --> 0:50:05.799
<v Speaker 2>for sure, because I believe one of the members from

0:50:05.800 --> 0:50:08.680
<v Speaker 2>Mariaccillas Dibas followed me too, and she's like, let me

0:50:08.719 --> 0:50:12.120
<v Speaker 2>know when you're out here, and one from Mariaccia too,

0:50:12.320 --> 0:50:15.600
<v Speaker 2>And I even think like an all female Mariacci is

0:50:15.640 --> 0:50:20.400
<v Speaker 2>like pretty cool. Yeah. Just anything that involves women and

0:50:20.440 --> 0:50:22.480
<v Speaker 2>like just kind of taking over a little bit is

0:50:22.560 --> 0:50:26.120
<v Speaker 2>just so exciting for me because I think it's really cool.

0:50:26.320 --> 0:50:29.920
<v Speaker 1>I feel like I could see her at like Disney

0:50:29.960 --> 0:50:33.959
<v Speaker 1>Pride Month Mariacci's right there and all that stuff. That'd

0:50:33.960 --> 0:50:35.360
<v Speaker 1>be so dope.

0:50:35.480 --> 0:50:41.120
<v Speaker 2>I've never been to Disney, so I would love to experience. Yeah,

0:50:41.160 --> 0:50:44.960
<v Speaker 2>I've never been. I went to uh Universal Studios and

0:50:45.000 --> 0:50:49.600
<v Speaker 2>it was okay, okay, it it was okay, I get

0:50:49.640 --> 0:50:51.520
<v Speaker 2>like very emotion sick and it was all virtual.

0:50:51.760 --> 0:50:53.560
<v Speaker 1>So yeah, yeah, and so it was.

0:50:53.600 --> 0:50:56.000
<v Speaker 2>Just like, if I'm gonna get if I'm gonna get

0:50:56.040 --> 0:50:58.480
<v Speaker 2>motion sickness, can it actually be like an actual ride? Please?

0:50:58.960 --> 0:51:01.200
<v Speaker 1>So I feel like that it's like a one Yeah, No,

0:51:01.440 --> 0:51:02.160
<v Speaker 1>I don't, I don't.

0:51:02.280 --> 0:51:02.759
<v Speaker 2>I like it.

0:51:03.400 --> 0:51:07.680
<v Speaker 1>I agree, But yeah, I definitely see you doing something

0:51:07.719 --> 0:51:10.160
<v Speaker 1>like that and obviously bigger, you know, but right now

0:51:10.200 --> 0:51:12.160
<v Speaker 1>I could see you, Like I don't know, I feel

0:51:12.160 --> 0:51:13.759
<v Speaker 1>like if you were in some type of rupo or

0:51:13.800 --> 0:51:19.000
<v Speaker 1>some you made something mm hmm, I don't know. I

0:51:19.000 --> 0:51:21.400
<v Speaker 1>feel like it could do really good, Like with your voice,

0:51:21.440 --> 0:51:23.279
<v Speaker 1>Like you're the type of you have the type of

0:51:23.360 --> 0:51:25.920
<v Speaker 1>voice that I would hire money actually just for the

0:51:25.960 --> 0:51:30.520
<v Speaker 1>fuck of it to get drunk and and like you

0:51:30.600 --> 0:51:34.080
<v Speaker 1>know what, like you would be booked out all the time.

0:51:34.160 --> 0:51:36.120
<v Speaker 1>You would be expensive as shit.

0:51:36.280 --> 0:51:42.480
<v Speaker 2>Because because honestly, like some of my biggest inspirations growing up, well,

0:51:42.480 --> 0:51:46.480
<v Speaker 2>it started with Rood and there was just something about that.

0:51:46.520 --> 0:51:48.759
<v Speaker 2>I was like, dude, it gets you right, And I

0:51:48.800 --> 0:51:51.640
<v Speaker 2>was just like, but she seems so good really quick?

0:51:51.800 --> 0:51:53.799
<v Speaker 1>Is it different now that you sing it or hear it.

0:51:53.880 --> 0:51:55.759
<v Speaker 2>I can't even sing it right now. I agree, I

0:51:55.760 --> 0:51:58.919
<v Speaker 2>can't even sing it right now, to be honest, because

0:51:58.920 --> 0:52:00.600
<v Speaker 2>people will ask me for it and they'll be like,

0:52:00.800 --> 0:52:03.840
<v Speaker 2>she can't sing you guys, not right now. Eventually one

0:52:03.920 --> 0:52:08.920
<v Speaker 2>day I will. But no, like it started with Rosio

0:52:09.440 --> 0:52:14.640
<v Speaker 2>then because the rasp in her voice, but performance wise,

0:52:15.600 --> 0:52:18.759
<v Speaker 2>not just because it's you, but your mom, dude, Like

0:52:18.800 --> 0:52:22.040
<v Speaker 2>your mom was just so like, with all due respect

0:52:22.040 --> 0:52:26.200
<v Speaker 2>to this my little sash, she like loved doing her

0:52:26.480 --> 0:52:30.360
<v Speaker 2>doing whatever she wanted to do, and like I actually

0:52:30.480 --> 0:52:34.359
<v Speaker 2>quote a lot of her sayings just because I'm like, dude,

0:52:35.280 --> 0:52:37.360
<v Speaker 2>what wouldould I do? Like honestly, like what was she

0:52:37.440 --> 0:52:41.000
<v Speaker 2>doing in certain things? Because I felt like when I

0:52:41.040 --> 0:52:45.400
<v Speaker 2>first started TikTok too, because you know, with me getting fired,

0:52:45.800 --> 0:52:49.520
<v Speaker 2>this person was super like offensive towards me, came for

0:52:49.680 --> 0:52:52.680
<v Speaker 2>me for my looks and like what are you a

0:52:52.800 --> 0:52:55.919
<v Speaker 2>he she? What are you? Like? It was just horrible, right,

0:52:56.400 --> 0:52:59.960
<v Speaker 2>and so the beginning of it was a lot, a lot,

0:53:00.400 --> 0:53:04.319
<v Speaker 2>a lot of hate and it sucked because like on

0:53:04.400 --> 0:53:06.680
<v Speaker 2>certain ones I was really sensitive to it where I

0:53:06.719 --> 0:53:09.040
<v Speaker 2>was like, you don't have to be on here, like

0:53:09.040 --> 0:53:10.440
<v Speaker 2>if you don't like me, if you don't like the

0:53:10.440 --> 0:53:13.480
<v Speaker 2>way I dress, like why are you on here? Right?

0:53:13.560 --> 0:53:17.080
<v Speaker 2>And so I took it really hard. But then I

0:53:17.120 --> 0:53:20.440
<v Speaker 2>started like looking at that like Chinese didn't care, like

0:53:20.719 --> 0:53:22.239
<v Speaker 2>and if you were gonna say something to her, like

0:53:22.239 --> 0:53:25.680
<v Speaker 2>say to her face, you know. And so that's something

0:53:25.719 --> 0:53:28.080
<v Speaker 2>that I would love to do, like have a little

0:53:28.080 --> 0:53:31.759
<v Speaker 2>bit of classic like Juangabrielle style, but then also have

0:53:31.880 --> 0:53:37.880
<v Speaker 2>like second at tequila and like yeah, so I like

0:53:38.800 --> 0:53:40.560
<v Speaker 2>love that type of style where you can be a

0:53:40.560 --> 0:53:42.720
<v Speaker 2>little bit this my little side, a little bit classy.

0:53:42.480 --> 0:53:44.440
<v Speaker 1>And don't put yourself in a box.

0:53:44.680 --> 0:53:45.840
<v Speaker 2>No, I like doing everything.

0:53:45.960 --> 0:53:48.560
<v Speaker 1>Yeah, don't put yourself in a box. You have a

0:53:48.600 --> 0:53:52.640
<v Speaker 1>free open space. I'm gonna pray and I hope many

0:53:52.680 --> 0:53:56.400
<v Speaker 1>more opportunities come for you. You know, Hofully, your voice

0:53:56.440 --> 0:53:59.400
<v Speaker 1>deserves it. I'm a huge advocate for you know, women,

0:54:00.120 --> 0:54:02.960
<v Speaker 1>B TQ and singing and all that stuff. Like I

0:54:03.000 --> 0:54:07.560
<v Speaker 1>believe in your dream and your vision. I don't know,

0:54:07.719 --> 0:54:11.880
<v Speaker 1>I feel like what else would be cool? Like maybe

0:54:12.800 --> 0:54:18.480
<v Speaker 1>she's Hagar, would you know what did I Was I

0:54:18.520 --> 0:54:21.120
<v Speaker 1>the one that told her? Or did I send it

0:54:21.160 --> 0:54:23.560
<v Speaker 1>to you? Or who sent her? The one? When she

0:54:23.640 --> 0:54:28.640
<v Speaker 1>came up with the idea for the tour. She knows

0:54:28.680 --> 0:54:32.600
<v Speaker 1>now I told you, I told you I was gonna

0:54:32.600 --> 0:54:35.160
<v Speaker 1>do it, and I think I did. I don't know whatever.

0:54:35.800 --> 0:54:40.279
<v Speaker 1>But anyways, what if like he taught like what if

0:54:40.280 --> 0:54:42.040
<v Speaker 1>he did teaching classes for people.

0:54:42.520 --> 0:54:48.680
<v Speaker 2>I don't I personally learned my ear So I don't know.

0:54:49.400 --> 0:54:51.279
<v Speaker 1>Anyway, something I don't know.

0:54:51.320 --> 0:54:55.120
<v Speaker 2>I just keep let me because even even with Johnny,

0:54:55.160 --> 0:54:57.560
<v Speaker 2>like he's seen some of my covers and I think

0:54:57.680 --> 0:55:00.719
<v Speaker 2>one time he did comment He's like I want to

0:55:00.719 --> 0:55:03.600
<v Speaker 2>do a song with you, and so I'm like looking

0:55:03.680 --> 0:55:07.239
<v Speaker 2>forward to it where I'm like Johnny Eveando. But I

0:55:07.280 --> 0:55:09.960
<v Speaker 2>also like don't like pressuring people. I say that to

0:55:10.040 --> 0:55:13.520
<v Speaker 2>people all the time, Like people will be like, oh, well,

0:55:13.719 --> 0:55:15.359
<v Speaker 2>why didn't they do this? Why didn't they do that.

0:55:15.440 --> 0:55:19.560
<v Speaker 2>It's like they have lives and they didn't promise anything.

0:55:19.680 --> 0:55:22.319
<v Speaker 2>They don't have to. And even if they just left

0:55:22.320 --> 0:55:24.640
<v Speaker 2>the comment like be happy with that, Like you can't

0:55:24.680 --> 0:55:28.680
<v Speaker 2>really you can't exact, yeah, because I and I say

0:55:28.719 --> 0:55:32.879
<v Speaker 2>it all the time, like even most recently I've done

0:55:32.880 --> 0:55:34.960
<v Speaker 2>another video where like are they gonna invite you? Are

0:55:34.960 --> 0:55:37.120
<v Speaker 2>they gonna invite you? Where it's like but they're going

0:55:37.120 --> 0:55:40.520
<v Speaker 2>through stuff too. Like people are people, they're still regular,

0:55:41.239 --> 0:55:45.279
<v Speaker 2>just doesn't mean that they have to respond to you

0:55:45.360 --> 0:55:47.760
<v Speaker 2>right away or they have to do it in that instant.

0:55:48.400 --> 0:55:51.000
<v Speaker 2>And I don't know. I feel like you guys have

0:55:51.080 --> 0:55:53.560
<v Speaker 2>done so much for me already that like I'm grateful

0:55:53.600 --> 0:55:54.040
<v Speaker 2>for whatever.

0:55:54.560 --> 0:55:57.080
<v Speaker 1>So I appreciate. Thank you so much for coming and

0:55:57.200 --> 0:55:58.360
<v Speaker 1>it was such an honor.

0:55:59.360 --> 0:55:59.760
<v Speaker 2>Thanks.

0:56:01.760 --> 0:56:07.200
<v Speaker 1>What is your socials? Mainly TikTok right.

0:56:07.160 --> 0:56:11.160
<v Speaker 2>Mainly TikTok is Miriam underscorezzle okay, and then you can

0:56:11.200 --> 0:56:15.640
<v Speaker 2>find me on Instagram under Underscore as well. I believe

0:56:15.719 --> 0:56:19.440
<v Speaker 2>YouTube under Miriam Lopez. Just be on the lookout for

0:56:19.440 --> 0:56:22.680
<v Speaker 2>that because I haven't posted anything recently, but I want

0:56:22.719 --> 0:56:23.839
<v Speaker 2>to get on there.

0:56:24.320 --> 0:56:28.200
<v Speaker 1>We're grieving out here, guys, taking time.

0:56:28.120 --> 0:56:28.839
<v Speaker 2>We're taking care.

0:56:31.040 --> 0:56:33.200
<v Speaker 1>No, but thank you again, so so so much. I

0:56:33.239 --> 0:56:35.640
<v Speaker 1>appreciate it, and I'm gonna I wish you the best

0:56:35.840 --> 0:56:41.000
<v Speaker 1>and every every aspect and that you're I know you're

0:56:41.040 --> 0:56:43.279
<v Speaker 1>going to change some You're going to change the world

0:56:43.280 --> 0:56:46.440
<v Speaker 1>in some very specific way, and it's going to be

0:56:46.480 --> 0:56:47.320
<v Speaker 1>the Miriam way.

0:56:47.560 --> 0:56:48.960
<v Speaker 2>Yes, your way, Yes.

0:56:49.040 --> 0:56:52.000
<v Speaker 1>I love it. Well, Thank you so much. Make sure

0:56:52.000 --> 0:56:54.799
<v Speaker 1>you guys like comment, subscribe and I will see you

0:56:54.840 --> 0:56:59.880
<v Speaker 1>guys next Tuesday. Overcome for Podcast is a production of

0:57:00.040 --> 0:57:02.200
<v Speaker 1>I Heart maculturap har Cast Network