Speaker 1: This is the Anxiety Bites podcast and I am your host,
Speaker 1: Jen Kirkman. I have a d h D. Oh sorry,
Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of Anxiety Bites. I am your host,
Speaker 1: Jen Kirkman. My guest today is Kristen Carter and her
Speaker 1: website is I have a d h D dot com.
Speaker 1: But I'm also announcing I have a d h D.
Speaker 1: And it's been such an interesting unraveling of figuring out
Speaker 1: that I had it, not believing it for so many
Speaker 1: years because I didn't seem to have the typical symptoms
Speaker 1: that I'd always heard about. And my diagnosis came right
Speaker 1: on the edge of when a lot of this information
Speaker 1: was freely available on the Internet, and so I thought,
Speaker 1: I mean, I do think I have it, and you
Speaker 1: hear me talk about it in this episode that I
Speaker 1: was actually diagnosed by some when I lived with who,
Speaker 1: I thought that I was having bizarre emotional regulation issues
Speaker 1: around you know, meeting deadlines, treating the laundry as that
Speaker 1: we're launching a nuke. And when I talked to my psychiatrist,
Speaker 1: because I've always I always had one, for I had
Speaker 1: the same one for twenty years. He would prescribe and
Speaker 1: presence as needed, and anxiety medication is needed for flying.
Speaker 1: And when I brought this a d h D potential
Speaker 1: diagnosis to him, he said, yeah, I think you know,
Speaker 1: from what we've talked about, you definitely have some symptoms
Speaker 1: of it. And I took the very long questionnaire and
Speaker 1: I came up as someone who has it. But it
Speaker 1: wasn't really resonating with me yet because I kept thinking, well,
Speaker 1: but I you know, I didn't have trouble paying attention
Speaker 1: in school, and and I wasn't running around dance and
Speaker 1: my pants. And I took ballet after school. You know,
Speaker 1: I took dance lessons and piano lessons many times a week,
Speaker 1: and I was able to focus in class. But now
Speaker 1: when I look back over all of that, Yes, I
Speaker 1: took piano lessons and I loved it and I was
Speaker 1: completely in the zone and completely focused at my lessons.
Speaker 1: Did I practice. I hated practicing it just I decided
Speaker 1: to draw even though I wanted to. It's it was
Speaker 1: always this thing that I really actually want to but
Speaker 1: I can't get started ballet. I wanted to be a dancer,
Speaker 1: I mean, was the number one thing in my life,
Speaker 1: you know, ended up in comedy. But I wasn't a
Speaker 1: little kid who dreamed of being a comedian. I dreamed
Speaker 1: of being a dancer. Did I practice now? But I
Speaker 1: love being in class. You know, it's just like these
Speaker 1: little things where it doesn't have to be so literal
Speaker 1: where you're jumping up and down in your seat and
Speaker 1: the teachers saying, go to the principle's office because you're
Speaker 1: so disruptive. You know, I was kind of good to
Speaker 1: two shoots, as afraid of getting in trouble. But I
Speaker 1: had outbursts, you know, I definitely did, not often, but
Speaker 1: at least once a year, which you know, there's not
Speaker 1: a lot for you know, someone with a d h D,
Speaker 1: they don't really get taken to a psychiatrist or medicaid
Speaker 1: because once a year there's an outburst. But there were
Speaker 1: little things here and there, and you know, a d
Speaker 1: h D some people do think of it as an
Speaker 1: anxiety disorder. There are so many things that exist with
Speaker 1: it and so many things that it mimics, and it's
Speaker 1: hard to figure out what is this true a d
Speaker 1: h D or you know, am I am I over
Speaker 1: here having more O c D. It's a it's a
Speaker 1: tricky little diagnosis, but once you really lock into what
Speaker 1: it is, and you've lived long enough and you can
Speaker 1: look back and and think, oh, oh, it's all coming together.
Speaker 1: It must feel like, I don't know, if you've had
Speaker 1: some kind of undiagnosed more of a physical illness. Maybe
Speaker 1: you've been tired for ten years and will have been saying, oh,
Speaker 1: you're just lazy, or you eat too much sugar, and
Speaker 1: then you find out, oh, no, it's it's actually this
Speaker 1: uh chronic well, I don't even know chronic thing that
Speaker 1: you know, I've got some blood thing or I don't know,
Speaker 1: but it feels very much like that. Once I started
Speaker 1: to learn more about it, once more information became readily available.
Speaker 1: There is a part of me that can self diagnosed,
Speaker 1: and there is a part of me that brings these
Speaker 1: things to a psychiatrist that I now see and he validates, yes,
Speaker 1: these are a h D symptoms. Here are the things
Speaker 1: that people do for it. So now I have tools,
Speaker 1: and now I can just even recognize, I mean even
Speaker 1: just me thinking this is that a d h D behavior.
Speaker 1: It doesn't matter where did it come from, just knowing
Speaker 1: it in the moment and just thinking I am convinced
Speaker 1: right now that if I do blah, blah and blah.
Speaker 1: I will soothe this feeling that I have no time.
Speaker 1: If I just do this, this, and this, I will
Speaker 1: soothe that feel ng that I can do it all
Speaker 1: and I have to do it all at once. And
Speaker 1: I just keep telling myself you're wrong. I know it's
Speaker 1: impossible to believe, but that's not true. So take a
Speaker 1: contrary action, you know, That's what helps me. But it
Speaker 1: really did put a lot of things into focus for
Speaker 1: me where I've had trouble regulating emotions, which may sound like, oh,
Speaker 1: I'm having these outbursts and I'm running around screaming. I've
Speaker 1: definitely done that. But but what I mean more is
Speaker 1: when feelings feel so intense that you don't know. Oh,
Speaker 1: not everyone feels this way, you know. Obviously we all
Speaker 1: have our moments, but where you're insides almost feel like
Speaker 1: a roller coaster from quote normal human experiences, and it
Speaker 1: can be so overwhelming that you might not be able
Speaker 1: to function, you know, And no one ever thinks of
Speaker 1: that as a d h D. I mean, I don't.
Speaker 1: I don't mean no one. Obviously, professionals understand it, and
Speaker 1: people that have had it and have really been diagnosed
Speaker 1: understand it, but just you stop someone on the street,
Speaker 1: they would not say, oh, yeah, that sounds like an
Speaker 1: a d h D symptom. You know, I think a
Speaker 1: d h D is one of those diagnosis that a
Speaker 1: lot of the symptoms have probably just been people writing
Speaker 1: you off as crazy your whole life. And so it's
Speaker 1: been a huge relief for me to to find out
Speaker 1: really what this mysterious little disorder is. And so I
Speaker 1: wanted to talk to Kristen Carter specifically, because again, we've
Speaker 1: got our neuroscientists out there, we've got our you know,
Speaker 1: I'm a brain blah blah person, and I know what
Speaker 1: a d h D is, but so rarely do these
Speaker 1: people have a d h D. I wanted to talk
Speaker 1: to someone who has a d h D and somehow
Speaker 1: managed to start a great podcast, to become a coach
Speaker 1: that helps other people with a d h D, that
Speaker 1: leads workshop, that has a great website, that is a
Speaker 1: mom with you know, a husband and kids, this huge,
Speaker 1: fully functioning life that's running on all cylinders, and she
Speaker 1: has a d h D. And she had to slowly
Speaker 1: realized as she was educating herself that a lot of
Speaker 1: the things she had had been misdiagnosed, not completely understood
Speaker 1: or explained to her, and she took matters into her
Speaker 1: own hands. And so that's how I feel my journey
Speaker 1: is a little bit and in the in the sense
Speaker 1: of I'm a high functioning a d h d R
Speaker 1: and sometimes I need to hear someone that actually knows
Speaker 1: what it feels like as well as has the science
Speaker 1: and the research to talk about it intelligently and back
Speaker 1: it up. But that I just was so excited that
Speaker 1: that she came on the podcast. And so if you're
Speaker 1: a fellow a d h d R, as Kristin calls us,
Speaker 1: welcome to this episode, think you will get a lot
Speaker 1: out of it. For me, I think the biggest thing
Speaker 1: that I actually really learned from listening to Kristen's podcast,
Speaker 1: and it's something I hadn't heard this before, but it
Speaker 1: just clicked one day and I went, this is the
Speaker 1: answer to everything, is that a d h D is
Speaker 1: not just about not being able to pay attention. In fact,
Speaker 1: it really has so little to do with not being
Speaker 1: able to pay attention. It's a neurodevelopmental disorder that impairs
Speaker 1: your ability to regulate yourself, including your attention and your emotions.
Speaker 1: The emotions I feel is the part we never hear
Speaker 1: about it. We never hear about I mean, but you're
Speaker 1: gonna hear about it on this episode, so let's just
Speaker 1: get right to it again. I will tell you a
Speaker 1: little bit about my guest Kristen Carter. She has a
Speaker 1: great podcast called I Have a d h D. It's
Speaker 1: the number one top rated podcast for adult a d
Speaker 1: h D. She's got over two million downloads. Again, you
Speaker 1: can work with her. She is a coach that helps
Speaker 1: people with a d h D. And she also helps
Speaker 1: adults figure out how to get ship done and enjoy
Speaker 1: their lives. So if you need support, check out her
Speaker 1: website I have a d h D dot com. It
Speaker 1: will be linked in the show notes. So let's go
Speaker 1: to my conversation. Oh my god, this happened on another episode.
Speaker 1: This bluetooth thing keeps talking to me. I know I
Speaker 1: should edit that out. What am I going to do that?
Speaker 1: This is the Anxiety Bites podcast, This isn't the Perfection podcast.
Speaker 1: Enjoying my conversation with Kristin Carter. Chris and I've already
Speaker 1: told all my guests all about you in the intro,
Speaker 1: and I don't normally start podcast this way because it's
Speaker 1: usually just about them. I normally knows our podcasts this
Speaker 1: way because it's usually about the anxiety symptom or disease
Speaker 1: itself that we kind of focus on. But I do
Speaker 1: want to focus on your story of how you became
Speaker 1: an a d h D coach because I feel like
Speaker 1: it's such an a d h D success story and
Speaker 1: and it really illustrates how we have to advocate for
Speaker 1: ourselves and almost feels like some even though there's a
Speaker 1: lot of info out there that's sort of the problem,
Speaker 1: we're kind of on our own. So would you tell
Speaker 1: my listeners the story of how you came to be
Speaker 1: you know, what what you do for a living, and
Speaker 1: how you came to that. Yes, I would love to,
Speaker 1: so thank you so much for that. I think that
Speaker 1: you know, the way that my story has kind of
Speaker 1: played out really proves that us each years often have
Speaker 1: to try a bunch of things before we kind of
Speaker 1: come home to what we were always meant to do.
Speaker 1: And that's the way that I feel coaching has been
Speaker 1: for me. I feel as though it kind of found
Speaker 1: me and I feel just like at home in it.
Speaker 1: Um So I've always coached people Um. What I realized
Speaker 1: now looking back, is like against their will. I've been
Speaker 1: coaching people people, sorry, everyone at the exactly. Um, like
Speaker 1: with no consent. I've been coaching family members, friends, teachers.
Speaker 1: It's like it's people have come to me my whole life. Um.
Speaker 1: And it was always something that I you know, I
Speaker 1: just really enjoyed doing. My best friends nicknamed me coach.
Speaker 1: I didn't even know life coaching was a thing though,
Speaker 1: I just like it's it really is a new industry.
Speaker 1: And so at the time I am that I went
Speaker 1: looking for a d H D help, I could not
Speaker 1: find someone that I really resonated with, that I felt
Speaker 1: was speaking my language, that really was a reflection of
Speaker 1: who I was and you know, the person that I
Speaker 1: wanted to become. And so I got pretty frustrated in
Speaker 1: my thirties kind of going around looking, you know, looking
Speaker 1: at different podcasts and googling different coaches and like all
Speaker 1: of these things. I just kept trying to find an
Speaker 1: example that I wanted to follow. And there are some
Speaker 1: amazing examples out there, but not anybody that I really
Speaker 1: resonated with. And so the first thing that I did
Speaker 1: was listened to that little nagging voice inside of my
Speaker 1: head that said maybe I could start a podcast, Maybe
Speaker 1: maybe I could do it. And I do have the
Speaker 1: kind of person outy that's like, let's just go for it, right,
Speaker 1: which I think a d h D just really played
Speaker 1: a beautiful part into that. So I was like willing
Speaker 1: to take the risk. I was willing to um put
Speaker 1: myself out there, and I just went for it like impulsively, UM,
Speaker 1: just like Okay, let's do it. And I kind of
Speaker 1: threw out my podcast into the darkness of the night
Speaker 1: and hoped that no one would ever listen to it. Ever,
Speaker 1: I didn't know that launching a podcast was the thing.
Speaker 1: I didn't know to gathering an audience. I was just like,
Speaker 1: I'm just gonna shove this episode out there in the
Speaker 1: dark cover of the night and hope that no one
Speaker 1: ever listens to it. And it turns out that people
Speaker 1: really resonated with it, and I do think it's because
Speaker 1: there was a space that needed to be filled with
Speaker 1: a personality like mine, UM, and I think many people
Speaker 1: could have done it. I just decided to do it
Speaker 1: right and so UM. Then, once the podcast was really
Speaker 1: being listened to, a lot of people started reaching out
Speaker 1: to me for coaching, and it was a very similar
Speaker 1: experience where I was like, yeah, I could probably do that.
Speaker 1: At the time, I was working with students who had
Speaker 1: learning differences and I was coaching them, and so I thought, well,
Speaker 1: I could do this with adults. Let's just kind of
Speaker 1: tweak it. And it was like magic. It was so
Speaker 1: much fun. The first couple of sessions that I did,
Speaker 1: I was like, holy bleep, I cannot believe how much
Speaker 1: fun this is. And the connection that you get to
Speaker 1: create with a client, and the dopamine hit from seeing
Speaker 1: someone make real changes in their life, it's just incredible.
Speaker 1: And so I needed more of that dopamine hit. Really,
Speaker 1: I was like, let's do more. Do we lack a gosh? Yes?
Speaker 1: And I was just I craved it so um. Over
Speaker 1: the course of about a year, I went from I
Speaker 1: owned the company. It was like a tutoring company. I
Speaker 1: owned a brick and mortar company in my town, um
Speaker 1: tutoring business. And I really transitioned into coaching full time.
Speaker 1: And that was a very scary, risky decision. I had
Speaker 1: seven part time employees at the time. I had a
Speaker 1: business that was paying my bills. It was you know,
Speaker 1: it wasn't what I loved to do, but it was fine.
Speaker 1: I had no reason, you know, to be like I'm
Speaker 1: going to close down this baby and go like with
Speaker 1: a different baby. But I just felt like coaching was calling.
Speaker 1: It was just calling me. And so UM that has
Speaker 1: been even though it was a very scary decision to make,
Speaker 1: it was the best decision ever because as soon as
Speaker 1: I went all in on it, UM it really did
Speaker 1: totally explode. And that has been really fun. It's been
Speaker 1: a wild ride. It's been UM very humbling privilege to
Speaker 1: be able to walk side by side with so many
Speaker 1: adults with a d h D who have just really
Speaker 1: been overlooked for so long, who have not found UM
Speaker 1: the right fit as far as self development and help
Speaker 1: and for so long have kind of been floundering. And
Speaker 1: to be able to like gather in you know, so
Speaker 1: many people who who just really need UM some specific
Speaker 1: support has just been just the privilege of a lifetime.
Speaker 1: We'll be right back. I'm wondering if you can tell
Speaker 1: me what you have noticed in yourself like about getting
Speaker 1: diagnosed that was maybe different than maybe what a man experiences.
Speaker 1: I feel like for MENU, it's that kind of cut
Speaker 1: and dry. Literally they can't pay attention in school, and
Speaker 1: it's followed in their whole life, and they need something
Speaker 1: to focus. And I've always been very high functioning. I've
Speaker 1: if I have a deadline at work and it means
Speaker 1: I have a job or not, like I'm gonna do it.
Speaker 1: I mean, I may be having a complete internal nervous breakdown,
Speaker 1: but nothing doesn't get done. And I love making lists
Speaker 1: and I'm extremely organized, Like if you move this lotion
Speaker 1: on my desk, I'm gonna put it right back. But
Speaker 1: everything else is a complete whirlwind in my life. And
Speaker 1: so I thought for sure first along, Um, there's no
Speaker 1: way I can have a d h D because I
Speaker 1: don't have these three symptoms that are most common in men. Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's really really interesting. So I think that I wonder
Speaker 1: if your anxiety like plays a beautiful part in keeping
Speaker 1: you on task? Do you think like making sure, because
Speaker 1: what I find with my clients is that those who
Speaker 1: have like anxiety around performance and making sure things are
Speaker 1: just so and um, you know, keeping your job stuff
Speaker 1: like that like very good things. Um, they are actually
Speaker 1: functioning better on the outside because they have that dose
Speaker 1: of anxiety to come in and really give them the
Speaker 1: juices needed to get the job done. So they might
Speaker 1: not have the dopamine to get started, but they have
Speaker 1: that kick of anxiety that's like, hey, if you don't
Speaker 1: do this, we're gonna lose the job. And it's a
Speaker 1: job and wouldn't be homeless, right, Like I'm I'm in
Speaker 1: a shopping cart in every one of my fantasies, I'm
Speaker 1: like living in a shopping cart with slippers on and
Speaker 1: talking to myself. And so I'm like, well, it's interesting
Speaker 1: you brought that up because you had said that one
Speaker 1: of your gifts of a d h d's putting yourself
Speaker 1: out there. And I had the same thing as a performer.
Speaker 1: You know, I was never afraid to get on stage
Speaker 1: or anything like that, and people would say, you know,
Speaker 1: what's your secret, and I would say, I'm maybe I'm
Speaker 1: just crazy, like I don't even think about consequences. I'm like,
Speaker 1: I need to do this, and now I'm realizing. I know,
Speaker 1: I'm still realizing, and I've just had another epiphany. That's
Speaker 1: one of the gifts of a d h D. But
Speaker 1: you know, it's one of those things where for me,
Speaker 1: if and then I'm going to get to my questions
Speaker 1: for you. But if if you asked everyone I've ever
Speaker 1: worked with do you think she's neurodivergent? Do you think
Speaker 1: she has a d h D? They'd say no. But
Speaker 1: if you ask any romantic relationship I've had, they'd be
Speaker 1: like anywhere from yes to she's crazy. And so if
Speaker 1: you could tell us what is the definition of a
Speaker 1: d h D. And I know that you and I
Speaker 1: agree that it's a terrible name for for a disease.
Speaker 1: Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a terrible name for what
Speaker 1: how huge this is. Yeah, it really is a terrible
Speaker 1: name for it because it's extremely misleading. There's actually no
Speaker 1: deficit of attention. We actually have just as much attention
Speaker 1: as anybody else, except we struggle to regulate our attention,
Speaker 1: which means we struggle to put it on the right
Speaker 1: thing for the right amount of time in order to
Speaker 1: get that thing accomplished. Right. Um. In addition to that,
Speaker 1: and you know you asked about women and a d
Speaker 1: h D, I think one of the most important components
Speaker 1: for women to understand is we don't just have this
Speaker 1: struggle to regulate our attention. We also have the struggle
Speaker 1: of regulating our emotions and so with women specifically. Um,
Speaker 1: I think that this component is very key because we
Speaker 1: feel emotions very intensely. Now, there's no way to prove
Speaker 1: whether we feel emotions more intensely than somebody else, because
Speaker 1: nobody can like get into my body and know how
Speaker 1: I'm feeling a sensation and whether or not that's more
Speaker 1: than you. Right, But our reactions seem to be bigger,
Speaker 1: um than a neurotypical reactions, right, And so when we
Speaker 1: get frustrated, it's debilitating. When we get excited, it's stabilitating.
Speaker 1: When we get sad, it's stabilitating. Like we have a
Speaker 1: very hard time self soothing coming down off of emotions,
Speaker 1: making sure that we are regulated and even keeled. So
Speaker 1: this makes so much sense when you talk about like
Speaker 1: romantic partners might label me as being a little bit crazy,
Speaker 1: because when you are feeling those like whether it's like
Speaker 1: the emotion of love, even like, we have trouble regulating
Speaker 1: that in our bodies, and so we the way that humans,
Speaker 1: if we don't know how to regulate and self soothed
Speaker 1: within our bodies, then we try to get it out right.
Speaker 1: And so we want to throw that love onto other people,
Speaker 1: or we want to throw that anxiety or that UM frustration,
Speaker 1: and so a lot of times what's happening is we're
Speaker 1: trying to regulate ourselves by kind of UM reacting, responding,
Speaker 1: and kind of throwing our emotions at other people, which
Speaker 1: can be very tricky when it comes to relationships, right,
Speaker 1: And so I d h D is a self regulation disorder.
Speaker 1: We have so much trouble regulating our attention, regulating our emotions.
Speaker 1: And if that is what we can really take away,
Speaker 1: that will change everything, because that perspective really shifts our
Speaker 1: focus to Okay, It's not just a deficit of attention
Speaker 1: where it's like, oh, there she goes again, squirrel. It's like, no,
Speaker 1: I have attention, it's just I struggle to regulate it.
Speaker 1: And I struggled to keep that attention on the most
Speaker 1: important thing. And part of that is because I've less
Speaker 1: dopamine in my brain. And so when it's something like laundry,
Speaker 1: there's like fifty seven steps in getting laundry done, so boring.
Speaker 1: I don't care about it at all. I will just
Speaker 1: wear dirty clothes, like who cares, right, And so the
Speaker 1: levels of dopamine involved with UM getting through the task
Speaker 1: of laundry, it's incredible, right, And so when we have
Speaker 1: less dopamine, laundry can feel like I would rather die
Speaker 1: than do the slaundry, Like I'm just gonna it. Must
Speaker 1: get misdiagnosed a lot of depression, right, because it's like
Speaker 1: because it's a round a task. So you could go
Speaker 1: to a therapist and tell that story. Oh, for example,
Speaker 1: my laundry makes me want to die, and they're like, oh, depression.
Speaker 1: But it's like you're not hopeless in life, you're not
Speaker 1: unmotivated in life. It's just that something that doesn't produce dopamine.
Speaker 1: It's almost like to to make fun of ourselves. And
Speaker 1: I don't really mean this, but like the bad way
Speaker 1: to put it is like we're just like little like
Speaker 1: heathen heathens, like little brats that are like, do I
Speaker 1: get dopamine from this? I don't want to, you know exactly.
Speaker 1: But what we're not realizing is no ner normal but
Speaker 1: like neurotypical people, Um, it's not like they're getting a
Speaker 1: spike of dopamine like their skydiving, but they just have
Speaker 1: enough so that it doesn't feel so you know, like
Speaker 1: they're drowning if they're doing this, right, Is that what
Speaker 1: it is? Yeah, exactly. And this is why, or one
Speaker 1: of the reasons why so many a d H dars
Speaker 1: are just labeled selfish and lazy, interesting and self centered
Speaker 1: is because it's like, oh, you don't want to do
Speaker 1: the dishes. Like what's going on? Right, Like, oh, you
Speaker 1: just want to do the fun stuff and not the
Speaker 1: boring stuff. So like in a partnership, that can be
Speaker 1: really tricky, right, And so when my husband feels like
Speaker 1: he's the one that is always doing the laundry or
Speaker 1: always doing the dishes, that can really breed resentment, whereas
Speaker 1: like I do want to participate, it's just like it
Speaker 1: feels like death, like I would rather do please let
Speaker 1: me do anything else, right, And so that can be
Speaker 1: really really tricky. And so many of the things that
Speaker 1: we struggle with are things that everyone struggles with, right,
Speaker 1: and so it can be extremely difficult to diagnose. It
Speaker 1: can be extremely difficult to explain to friends and loved
Speaker 1: ones because um, if you're like, yeah, I hate doing laundy,
Speaker 1: everybody's like yeah, like who loves nobody loves doing laundry?
Speaker 1: Like what are you talking about? You just do it
Speaker 1: and there's like molding And as the tricky part I like, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: I like to ask myself in every situation, how can
Speaker 1: I make this more fun? How can you meet this
Speaker 1: more fun? That's Michael. I asked myself that seven billion
Speaker 1: times a day. And so for me, a lot of times,
Speaker 1: I pop in my airbuds and it's in a podcast
Speaker 1: or blast music, and I dance around with my kids.
Speaker 1: My son Crosby, he's eight years old. When we fold laundry,
Speaker 1: we pop a pair of his underwear on our head,
Speaker 1: clean underwear, pop a pair of underwear on her head,
Speaker 1: and we just fold laundry with underwear. And I had like,
Speaker 1: it's just we're always looking for ways to make things
Speaker 1: more fun because then those tasks that feel like death
Speaker 1: really do become more bearable. And also thinking of the outcome.
Speaker 1: I love having a clean kitchen, I really do. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it's the best, Like clean counters. It's the best feeling.
Speaker 1: So if I can focus on clean counters they're coming,
Speaker 1: they're coming, like, and really get my brain to think
Speaker 1: about like what it's going to feel like when it's done.
Speaker 1: Oftentimes I can get that like self induced opamine hit
Speaker 1: and that's enough to get me rolling. And you know,
Speaker 1: it's funny that you sphysfically mentioned laundry. Um, you know
Speaker 1: I can do it obviously, uh. And I'm kind of
Speaker 1: a neat freak, so but like you said, that's probably
Speaker 1: a little anxiety induced, maybe a tad CD induced. But
Speaker 1: a boyfriend I lived with at one point said to me,
Speaker 1: you know, you treat laundry like on your to do list,
Speaker 1: with the same importance as if you were like the
Speaker 1: president and you have to launch a nuke, Like to you,
Speaker 1: do I launch this nuke? Or do I do this
Speaker 1: laundry now or in the morning. It's the same intensity.
Speaker 1: And that was that sentence is what brought me to
Speaker 1: mention it to my then psychiatrist, And he's like, that
Speaker 1: is a d h D. And I was like, what
Speaker 1: Because I will do the laundry, but I will also
Speaker 1: not do It's not procrastinating either, Like if I had
Speaker 1: any work from home assignment do the next day or deadline,
Speaker 1: I'm like, how could I possibly begin this writing deadline tonight?
Speaker 1: There's a pile of laundry to fold. And to me,
Speaker 1: it's not the way some people might choose to do
Speaker 1: some housework to procrastinate. To me, it's like everything has
Speaker 1: to get done or I'm always five two minutes late
Speaker 1: because I have to put everything in its placed before.
Speaker 1: You know, It's like everything is of the same importance
Speaker 1: and I can't um It's it's not like I can't
Speaker 1: I know intellectually that the deadline is more important than
Speaker 1: the laundry, but my body feels so overwhelmed that I
Speaker 1: won't be able to focus on the deadline if the
Speaker 1: laundry is not done. And so I end up so
Speaker 1: many times in my life staying up really late to
Speaker 1: do every single thing so that when I wake up
Speaker 1: in the morning everything feels perfect. But that you never
Speaker 1: catch that carrot. That's that's dangling that I dangle for myself.
Speaker 1: And so whatever that mess is is is how my
Speaker 1: a d h D works. And I even though I
Speaker 1: got that diagnosis twelve years ago, I sort of like
Speaker 1: said sure, great and then didn't do anything about it.
Speaker 1: And it's not until the last few years that I went, Okay,
Speaker 1: this is pretty unmanageable, and now I'm doing something about it.
Speaker 1: But does that sound like something you hear a lot
Speaker 1: in your in your coaching. Oh my word, yes, And
Speaker 1: you just described it so beautifully, and God bless your psychiatrist.
Speaker 1: For knowing that that was a d h D, because
Speaker 1: I don't think that most would. And he said, most
Speaker 1: people come in. Everyone comes in self diagnosing depression or
Speaker 1: anxiety because they know what that feels like. Every said,
Speaker 1: every single person that's ever come in asking if they
Speaker 1: have a d h D, it's because a friend or
Speaker 1: someone they lived with or family member has told them
Speaker 1: either you have that or you have this thing, and
Speaker 1: go tell your psychiatrist these things you're doing because I
Speaker 1: don't know what that is, but not normal. And he's like,
Speaker 1: so everyone always gets diagnosed by someone else in their
Speaker 1: life with d h That was kind of interesting because
Speaker 1: we're driving them absolutely crazy totally. Okay, So this is
Speaker 1: a perfect time to mention executive functions because what you
Speaker 1: were describing is the executive function of prioritization. Yeah, okay,
Speaker 1: so the executive functions are housed in our frontal lobe,
Speaker 1: and when you have a d h D, your executive
Speaker 1: functioning is deficient. Okay, and so I'm just gonna breathe through.
Speaker 1: There's eight executive functions, okay. Impulse control meaning struggling to
Speaker 1: put on the brakes, take stop and think and like
Speaker 1: really wait before we jump in and do right. Emotional regulation,
Speaker 1: which we already talked about a little bit, like that's
Speaker 1: the self soothing after yes, an emotional explosion, Right, maybe
Speaker 1: you can ruin your whole day if you have one.
Speaker 1: So your emotions can be very distracting, So maybe you
Speaker 1: fight with your partner in the morning and then you
Speaker 1: can get nothing done at work for the rest of
Speaker 1: the day because all you can think about is this
Speaker 1: fight that you had and your body is still reacting
Speaker 1: to it. You just cannot calm down from it, right.
Speaker 1: Um Flexible thinking, which is really an interesting one. So
Speaker 1: a h d s do tend to be very creative
Speaker 1: and outside the box except for when we're not. That's
Speaker 1: really the only way I can describe it. Like we're
Speaker 1: super creative. We think outside the box except for when
Speaker 1: we don't. And then when we can't think outside the box,
Speaker 1: it is like black or white, and we really struggle
Speaker 1: to look beyond what we're se and we also really
Speaker 1: struggle with transitions. So I pull into my garage and
Speaker 1: the idea of getting out of my car and like
Speaker 1: going in and being a mom. It's just like so overwhelming.
Speaker 1: Now this is really subconscious, but I almost always want
Speaker 1: to pull out my phone and hang out on my
Speaker 1: car before I go into the house. I heard that
Speaker 1: on your show, and I was fascinated with that because
Speaker 1: I never thought about all the different transitions we make
Speaker 1: in a day, so many, and that I do think that,
Speaker 1: you know it. I had a therapist once tell me
Speaker 1: that even happy change in life can cause anxiety. And
Speaker 1: she meant, like bigger things like you move or you
Speaker 1: get a new job, but the mini transitions we do
Speaker 1: every day, but like you said, going from work mode
Speaker 1: to mom mode, or going from just go to bed
Speaker 1: mode to work mode, or work mode to social mode,
Speaker 1: you know. And I never thought about that, And I've
Speaker 1: caught myself since I heard you talk about that, noticing
Speaker 1: that I need a little I need a little transition time.
Speaker 1: I need to do something yes, And so if you
Speaker 1: just begin to observe yourself, you might notice like, Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm sitting here working and now I need to transition
Speaker 1: to like, you know, making dinner, but I'm gonna have
Speaker 1: a snack first. Like even those like little subtle things
Speaker 1: are like this is the work before the work, This
Speaker 1: is the transition, like I'm getting I'm like talking myself
Speaker 1: into it. This is why it's so often people with
Speaker 1: a d h D will get to work and then
Speaker 1: they will just do like meaningless tasks, so they'll go
Speaker 1: on their phone, they'll scroll B B. I have a podcast.
Speaker 1: I'm pretty sure I called it The Work before the Work,
Speaker 1: which is a really I don't know basic basic. If
Speaker 1: anybody has better podcasts suggestion titles, please reach out to me,
Speaker 1: because sometimes I'm not very creative. But it's like the
Speaker 1: scrolling time where you you use that time to talk
Speaker 1: yourself in to getting into flow, getting into the work,
Speaker 1: getting into like getting your brain and body ready to work.
Speaker 1: It's fascinating. Um. So that's so everything we just talked
Speaker 1: about was under the flexible thinking executive function right, that
Speaker 1: was flexible thinking. Okay, another executive functioning UH skill is
Speaker 1: working memory, which is not like your memory like, hey
Speaker 1: we went to Disney World when I was five years old.
Speaker 1: It's not that kind of memory. It's holding something in
Speaker 1: your mind long enough to get it done. So maybe
Speaker 1: your partner texting and they're like, hey, we're at a
Speaker 1: milk can you stop in your a home And you're like, sure,
Speaker 1: no problem, You're never getting that milk if it's me
Speaker 1: We're never getting that milk, partner, we love you. We're
Speaker 1: never getting that milk, right, because it's holding that thing
Speaker 1: in your mind and just kind of keeping it there
Speaker 1: long enough to complete the task. It's not going to happen, right,
Speaker 1: And so we have to set reminders and build all
Speaker 1: kinds of scaffolding around our memory. Self monitoring, which is
Speaker 1: staying on task, so that goes hand in hand with
Speaker 1: the working memory. Right, So I have to remember the
Speaker 1: task and then I have to continually bring my focus
Speaker 1: back to task at hand, Task at hand. This is
Speaker 1: what we're doing. Task at hand, um, task initiation. So
Speaker 1: it's getting started now. A lot of that is related
Speaker 1: to lower levels of dopamine, so like getting started on
Speaker 1: the task is very difficult, and it's also related to
Speaker 1: the flexible thinking like transitioning into it right organization, which
Speaker 1: I think goes without saying. If you've ever seen somebody
Speaker 1: with a d H D S car or well, maybe
Speaker 1: yours is beautiful, I mean brand new, like it looks
Speaker 1: brand new, like there's not anything. Okay, A typical a
Speaker 1: d H D car is going to be um kind
Speaker 1: of like I don't know if you've ever pictured a
Speaker 1: dumpster fire. It should be like that. It's gonna be
Speaker 1: like that. Okay, But here's the one where um, you
Speaker 1: and I can really focus in on And this is
Speaker 1: the last one prioritizing and planning. So somebody with a
Speaker 1: d h D is going to hear all of the
Speaker 1: tasks at the same volume level. So I want you
Speaker 1: to think about that. I love that that image. Yes,
Speaker 1: I think it's really helpful. Let's say you have fifteen
Speaker 1: tasks to complete and they're all varying importance. Logically, your
Speaker 1: brain knows, I know that the work project is more
Speaker 1: important than the dishes, obviously, right, your brain knows that
Speaker 1: the dishes can sit there. The work project as a
Speaker 1: deadline needs to be done. But in an a d
Speaker 1: h D brain, the volume level on those two tasks
Speaker 1: is exactly the same. So if you think of let's
Speaker 1: say you have fifteen tasks to complete in a day,
Speaker 1: they're all set to a different radio station, but they're
Speaker 1: all on the same volume. They're all kind of screaming
Speaker 1: at you. Your focus is likely jumping from one thing
Speaker 1: to the next, bouncing back and forth. Which one do
Speaker 1: I start? Oh, this one's important, Oh, this one's important,
Speaker 1: And so many people with a d h D. Pardon
Speaker 1: the image look kind of like they're running around like
Speaker 1: a chicken with its head cut off, like, Oh, I'm
Speaker 1: gonna do this for five minutes, and I'm gonna do this,
Speaker 1: and you're just kind of bouncing around because we don't
Speaker 1: have the volume control of I'm going to turn down
Speaker 1: the volume on these lesser important tasks, and I'm I'm
Speaker 1: gonna blast the volume on this thing that has a
Speaker 1: deadline that's in an hour, and so everything that is
Speaker 1: screaming at us at the same volume, and it's very disorienting.
Speaker 1: It's very confusing, it's very difficult to organize, you know,
Speaker 1: where should I start, what should I do? What should
Speaker 1: I give my attention to. And it's not because we're
Speaker 1: not smart. It's not because we don't logically know what's
Speaker 1: most important. But you said it best. My body just
Speaker 1: feels so pulled to these lesser important tasks. And that's
Speaker 1: exactly what it is. It's like instead of um, you know,
Speaker 1: being able to really tune into the thing that is
Speaker 1: the most important, it's just like everything is screaming at
Speaker 1: me and I just need to, like, um, satisfy my
Speaker 1: overwhelm by just kind of like running around and trying
Speaker 1: to do all of them at the same time, which
Speaker 1: we know does not work. We'll continue the interview on
Speaker 1: the flip side of a quick message from our sponsors.
Speaker 1: I have another question about going back to one of
Speaker 1: these eight executive functions. So in terms of the black
Speaker 1: and white thinking, hm, you know, I really want to
Speaker 1: explore that more. That's something I've I've had my whole life,
Speaker 1: so I'm I'm very interested in it. But for people
Speaker 1: that may not know, or maybe they think they have
Speaker 1: any eg or maybe they just want to understand it better,
Speaker 1: I know, it's all or nothing thinking. It's kind of inflexible.
Speaker 1: What is an actual like person suffering from black and
Speaker 1: white thinking? What might they be thinking? And how does
Speaker 1: that make them feel or what does that stop them
Speaker 1: from doing? Even I love this question, and I think
Speaker 1: that the best way to describe black and white thinking
Speaker 1: is in the area of perfectionism. So perfectionism is the
Speaker 1: most commonly endorsed thought distortion of a d H D Okay,
Speaker 1: So what that means is research that Dr Russell Ramsay
Speaker 1: has done shows us that although it's not a symptom
Speaker 1: or an impairment of a d h D. It is
Speaker 1: something that most adults with a d h D struggle with,
Speaker 1: and so perfectionism can look like this, I have a
Speaker 1: work project due tomorrow morning, and I'm missing three components
Speaker 1: of it. So I shouldn't bother even finish this project
Speaker 1: because it's black or white, all or nothing. Well, it's
Speaker 1: not going to be done, it's not going to be perfect.
Speaker 1: They're going to be mad at me anyway because I'm
Speaker 1: missing these three components. So I'm just not going to
Speaker 1: continue with it, right, right, And so all are nothing
Speaker 1: thinking really prevents us from being able to just move
Speaker 1: forward imperfectly and produce B minus work, which often is
Speaker 1: like really amazingly good enough. But what we want to
Speaker 1: do instead is say, since I can't produce A plus work,
Speaker 1: I'm not going to even bother. It's not even worth trying.
Speaker 1: It's not even worth putting my effort into. I'll just
Speaker 1: go do the laundry, I'll just go through the dishes,
Speaker 1: I'll just go do these other tasks that are screaming
Speaker 1: at me at the same volume. Right, And so that
Speaker 1: is where I see all or nothing or inflexible thinking
Speaker 1: really coming into play. Is in the area of perfectionism
Speaker 1: because um the idea and it's just kind of like
Speaker 1: ingrained in us that if we and what I mean
Speaker 1: by that, I did this like big motion, it's like
Speaker 1: in our bodies, like if if I cannot complete this
Speaker 1: to the level that I think I'm going to receive
Speaker 1: praise and zero criticism, that I'm not even going to
Speaker 1: bother to finish it, I'm not even gonna I'm gonna
Speaker 1: figure out a way to hand it in late I'm
Speaker 1: going to figure out a way to be sick tomorrow.
Speaker 1: I'm going to figure out a way to avoid it
Speaker 1: at all costs. Oh, I'm just stood of that. You know,
Speaker 1: like charm, Most of us A D T years are
Speaker 1: very charming. So I'm going to charm my way out
Speaker 1: of it because I know that it's not going to
Speaker 1: be a plus work And so I can't even bring
Speaker 1: myself to produce something that is what I am um
Speaker 1: qualifying as like a lesser a lesser quality. And so
Speaker 1: I love the use of perfectionism because I think it's
Speaker 1: the secret enemy in all anxiety recovery. And I think
Speaker 1: people don't want to start because they don't like to
Speaker 1: hear well, it's something you can live with. But for me,
Speaker 1: it's like living with it has almost just kind of
Speaker 1: made it go away. But anyway, I know it's like
Speaker 1: sort of a side note of what you're saying. But
Speaker 1: I love the perfectionism. Now I'm learning a new thing
Speaker 1: is black and white thinking, Yes, it's so cool to
Speaker 1: put those two things together. Yeah, because I think a
Speaker 1: lot of people think perfectionism is oh, she's type A,
Speaker 1: she does everything perfect. It's literally the opposite. It's like
Speaker 1: this person that you would never think to call it
Speaker 1: perfectionists because you know they don't turn their work in.
Speaker 1: It's because they're perfectionists. So many people who are not
Speaker 1: functioning are not functioning because they are perfectionists. Yeah, that
Speaker 1: makes so much sense. And so thinking about like when
Speaker 1: you were talking about emotional control, like self soothing after
Speaker 1: you know, an emotional explosion or some kind of just
Speaker 1: anything emotional. I was thinking back to, like I think
Speaker 1: it was a long time. I was in my early
Speaker 1: twenties and there was a writing job that my agent
Speaker 1: had told me about and said, you know, you have
Speaker 1: to write like a sample script and you know, I
Speaker 1: have a few days to do it, and I'd just
Speaker 1: gone through a breakup like that day and I never
Speaker 1: wrote it, and she was like, don't ever let you
Speaker 1: know something like that get in the way of going
Speaker 1: for something again. And I was thinking, yeah, yeah, but
Speaker 1: it was so in my body that I couldn't. It
Speaker 1: wasn't that I was like writing, but thinking thoughts, Oh,
Speaker 1: I I'm sad. It was I don't know how anyone
Speaker 1: would have written it was like the flu or something,
Speaker 1: you know, I mean, not the same symptoms, but I
Speaker 1: was so overwhelmed and that I would have had to
Speaker 1: self soothe before I started writing. But I didn't know
Speaker 1: how or I didn't even know that was happening. I
Speaker 1: just thought when I was going through everybody had, so
Speaker 1: I just in my head made up, Oh, my agents
Speaker 1: never been through a breakup, so she doesn't know it's sorking,
Speaker 1: you know, I had no idea. And so now looking
Speaker 1: back on things like that, you know, I can reframe
Speaker 1: it as like, oh, that was that kind of a
Speaker 1: d h D lack of self soothing and so like
Speaker 1: for anyone listening. I know I did just kind of
Speaker 1: describe it, but like, what does that mean when someone
Speaker 1: can't self soothe? And and does that make sense to
Speaker 1: you that it was so in the body that it's
Speaker 1: like not in the mind, right, Yes, So first of all,
Speaker 1: it completely makes sense. And then second, you know, so
Speaker 1: many of us with a h D did not grow
Speaker 1: up in families where there was any emotional intelligence or
Speaker 1: any conversation about emotions. Most of us were invalidated, um
Speaker 1: when we had feelings, most of us because those emotional
Speaker 1: explosions made our parents or caregivers feel a type of way,
Speaker 1: they often wanted to shut it down, and so we
Speaker 1: never were taught how to experience an emotion. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying most um, in my experience, I really haven't met
Speaker 1: one dar who's like, oh no, I from a family
Speaker 1: with a very high emotional intelligence, and it was taught
Speaker 1: from a young age how to experience emotions in my body,
Speaker 1: and I know exactly how to self sooth. Like I've
Speaker 1: never met one, and I've coached thousands of people. So
Speaker 1: I was going I would say that like the only
Speaker 1: I'm like somewhere in the middle where it's like my
Speaker 1: family didn't denying anything, but they all had a d
Speaker 1: h D. I think I'm diagnosing my parents. They were
Speaker 1: so emotionally reactive, and then I'd being emotionally and everyone
Speaker 1: was just emotionally reacting like popcorn popping, and it was
Speaker 1: totally acceptable, but we just never like discussed it or
Speaker 1: went further. So like everyone has their explosion and then
Speaker 1: you just kind of forget about it and you keep going.
Speaker 1: You know. It was like, so that was like my modeling,
Speaker 1: and I was like, oh, what, we don't act like this,
Speaker 1: like when you get out and you meet other people
Speaker 1: and what are you doing. It was like it's like
Speaker 1: almost worst to have it encouraged. Yes, oh my goodness.
Speaker 1: So when you're experiencing something so big in your body,
Speaker 1: most of us find it to be such an uncomfortable
Speaker 1: experience that we really try to either resist it or um.
Speaker 1: So that would look like trying to ignore it, trying
Speaker 1: to avoid it, trying to push it away, trying to
Speaker 1: distract ourselves from it, right, and so like it's kind
Speaker 1: of still residing there with us, but we don't want
Speaker 1: our attention on it because it feels so uncomfortable, or
Speaker 1: we try to just like explode and get it out
Speaker 1: of us, right, So that would be like reacting, which
Speaker 1: sounds like that's how your family was, like just kind
Speaker 1: of react, react, react, and like, so the big emotion
Speaker 1: would come up, it explodes out of me. I kind
Speaker 1: of throw it at you, and then we kind of
Speaker 1: go about our business and we're all fine, exactly fine. Um.
Speaker 1: The biggest thing that I have learned in the last
Speaker 1: five to ten years, and the thing that I try
Speaker 1: to teach my clients UM and I think gives them
Speaker 1: so much power, is the ability to really process and
Speaker 1: feel our emotions. And people don't understand, Like they come
Speaker 1: into an A d h D coaching program and they're like,
Speaker 1: where are my tips and tricks? And I'm like, I'm
Speaker 1: not that kind of coach like you. I'm not going
Speaker 1: to teach you anything that you can google. You already
Speaker 1: know this stuff. But what you can't learn from the googles,
Speaker 1: like what you need an actual human to teach you
Speaker 1: is like how do you process an emotion? How to
Speaker 1: expand yourself big enough to make room for this emotion.
Speaker 1: And so the technique that I teach my clients is
Speaker 1: called the surf technique. I learned it from Dr Sasha Heinz.
Speaker 1: I adore her. You can go look correct okay. So
Speaker 1: SURF stands for stop okay. So the first thing is
Speaker 1: just like like stop, could you just like and stop right. So,
Speaker 1: like so many times you're feeling this big emotion and
Speaker 1: we just want to like gog, google, gogle, and I
Speaker 1: want to like move around to all the different things
Speaker 1: so that I don't have to feel this in my body.
Speaker 1: First thing to stop and then let the emotion they
Speaker 1: use for unfold. Let it unfold in your body. Now,
Speaker 1: this is the hardest part because we don't want it
Speaker 1: and team that we don't want to feel it. We
Speaker 1: think that an emotional experience is like a problem, like
Speaker 1: I need to solve this, what's the what's the solution here?
Speaker 1: And it's not a problem, it's an experience to be had.
Speaker 1: You are an emotional being and you are having an
Speaker 1: emotional experience. This is very normal. So let it unfold
Speaker 1: in your body. The best way that I can describe
Speaker 1: that is if you picture the emotion like, let's say,
Speaker 1: in your chest, and you just take a deep breath
Speaker 1: and try to expand the space around the emotion. So
Speaker 1: you're just trying to create space around it. You're not
Speaker 1: trying to get rid of it. You're just letting it
Speaker 1: exist within you and you're just creating more space for it.
Speaker 1: Like I have the capacity for this to exist within me,
Speaker 1: I don't have to resist it. I don't have to
Speaker 1: distract myself from it, and I don't have to vomit
Speaker 1: it on anyone else. You can just be here with me,
Speaker 1: in my body, and so I just let that experience unfold.
Speaker 1: So maybe I take like five deep breath and I
Speaker 1: just let that happen, and eventually the emotion will recede.
Speaker 1: So that's the r okay, eventually that emotion will recede.
Speaker 1: Once it does recede, the F is for like figure
Speaker 1: it out, find the name. Either find the name of
Speaker 1: it if you didn't know what the emotion was, find
Speaker 1: like the couple of thoughts causing the emotion, like what
Speaker 1: what's the really going on here? Why was it there
Speaker 1: with you? Most of us want to do that before
Speaker 1: we've processed the emotion. Why am I feeling this? What's
Speaker 1: going on? I need to solve this problem? Right? But
Speaker 1: instead just like really experiencing the emotion, letting it unfold
Speaker 1: within you, and then when it recedes, then you can
Speaker 1: do all of that figuring out stuff. Find the name,
Speaker 1: why was it here? What is it here? To teach me?
Speaker 1: And I know that sounds like a long process. But really,
Speaker 1: in five minutes you can gain so much power back
Speaker 1: because you've really allowed that emotion two exist within you
Speaker 1: and then recede. And maybe you'll have to do that
Speaker 1: five times, ten times a day, but what it allows
Speaker 1: you to do is function. So, Okay, I need five
Speaker 1: minutes to process this, but now I can go on function.
Speaker 1: I can go write my piece. Oh here it is again,
Speaker 1: I need to process it. Okay, now I can go
Speaker 1: back to functioning rather than letting your whole day be
Speaker 1: hijacked by that intense emotion. And I love that you
Speaker 1: said you know, it seems like, oh, it seems like
Speaker 1: this long thing, but it's really five minutes. Even when
Speaker 1: you just said stop, I could feel that in my body,
Speaker 1: like oh yeah, you know, because I'm always like fluttering
Speaker 1: around doing a million things, and it's like just stop,
Speaker 1: just stop, Like even if I'm not feeling some intense emotion,
Speaker 1: like have I just just stopped like for no reason,
Speaker 1: you know? And that can be so powerful in and
Speaker 1: of itself that I can see where that wouldn't take
Speaker 1: that long to do that you that are and f
Speaker 1: I love that you said up because I always ask
Speaker 1: people for like tips and tricks and things like that,
Speaker 1: and I love that you don't have the typical a
Speaker 1: d h D tips and tricks like this is as
Speaker 1: we said, like, um, a NERD developmental disorder that impairs
Speaker 1: your ability to regulate yourself, including your attention and your emotions.
Speaker 1: That's what I got from your show, And I love
Speaker 1: that we kept it on that topic because I think
Speaker 1: it will be a relief for some people to hear that,
Speaker 1: like there's an emotional part to this anxiety bites will
Speaker 1: be right back after a quick little message from one
Speaker 1: of our sponsors. Why do you think people have such
Speaker 1: latent life diagnosis of a d h D. I don't
Speaker 1: mean latent life like, but you know, it's not like
Speaker 1: for the people that don't have the kid kind jumping around.
Speaker 1: Why do you think it takes till people in like
Speaker 1: thirties and forties too get diagnosed. Is it is that
Speaker 1: the person just not even realizing it something that needs diagnosing,
Speaker 1: so they don't ask anyone, or is it like hard
Speaker 1: to figure out? Well, women specifically are diagnosed much later
Speaker 1: in life. So the median age for a woman being
Speaker 1: diagnosed is thirty eight wow, thirty eight years old, So
Speaker 1: I learned that from Dr Patricia Quinn, who is just
Speaker 1: like a giant um when it comes to a d
Speaker 1: h D. And so that is wild when you think
Speaker 1: about that, and I think that there's two answers. I
Speaker 1: think for females, Um, there's such a stigma and um,
Speaker 1: what is the word. Oh gosh, there's no words coming
Speaker 1: to my brain. I'm so sorry. Oh I love it.
Speaker 1: This is me all the time. Oh my god. It's
Speaker 1: a very simple word too, it is not it's not
Speaker 1: a very intellectual word. But anyway, there's such a stigma
Speaker 1: around a d h D UM where people just think
Speaker 1: it's for boys and not just boys, little white boys.
Speaker 1: So it's little white boys, right. And so when a
Speaker 1: girl is presenting with being spacey, being highly reactive, having
Speaker 1: trouble self regulating, being perfectionistic, like all of those things
Speaker 1: that really show up for girls and women, they're not
Speaker 1: clinicians are not really understanding it d h D. And that, um,
Speaker 1: you know, it's important to assess girls for it d
Speaker 1: h D. So that's that. So the reason why many
Speaker 1: women are being diagnosed later in life is because they
Speaker 1: usually will reach a certain point in their life where
Speaker 1: their coping skills are just no longer working, got it.
Speaker 1: So it's just like you've had all your kind of
Speaker 1: maladuptive skills for so long that you hit a wall exactly.
Speaker 1: And so maybe you hit perimenopause, or maybe you you
Speaker 1: did find in college, but now you're going to grad
Speaker 1: school and that's like you know, ship show or like
Speaker 1: something like that. I think that, Um, there's also a
Speaker 1: lack of self awareness. So in general, with people with
Speaker 1: a d h D, there's a really huge lack of
Speaker 1: self awareness. And so by the time somebody finally hits
Speaker 1: thirty and their brain kind of catches up and finally
Speaker 1: develops into a fully formed human brain. Um, that's when
Speaker 1: more of the awareness is available to them, and so
Speaker 1: they will be more willing to seek out a diagnosis.
Speaker 1: So I learned from Dr Russell Barkley that the a
Speaker 1: d h D brain is about um thirty percent behind
Speaker 1: developed mentally than a neurotypical brain. Wow huge. So that
Speaker 1: means that our brains are not fully formed until we're
Speaker 1: in our thirties, and so that's when the awareness and
Speaker 1: the AHAs usually start. Is my thirties that I am
Speaker 1: seeing that all over the and that was my story
Speaker 1: as well it's now mine. Now that I know that,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh that makes sense, yes completely, And so
Speaker 1: like any of you who know a d h D
Speaker 1: kids or teens, Like if you think of an a
Speaker 1: d h D teenager, like a thirteen year old is
Speaker 1: really acting so immature like a nine year old. And
Speaker 1: that makes sense because the a d h D brain
Speaker 1: develop mentally is just behind. It just takes so much
Speaker 1: longer for them to catch up. So an a d
Speaker 1: h D college student is really acting like a mid teenager, right,
Speaker 1: And so when you think about that, you're like, okay,
Speaker 1: that makes a lot more sense. So those who were
Speaker 1: not diagnosed in childhood, who didn't have teachers or coaches
Speaker 1: or parents who were really aware. And on top of it,
Speaker 1: we're often not diagnosed until our thirties or forties or
Speaker 1: fifties or sixties. I have people in my program who
Speaker 1: are diagnosed in their seventies, God bless them, Like it
Speaker 1: is never too late to be diagnosed. Um, And that's
Speaker 1: usually because the self awareness is finally there and slash
Speaker 1: or their partner, their boss, somebody is like them, excuse me,
Speaker 1: like you need to go to this okay, Like me
Speaker 1: with my laundry exactly. Are you now someone who can
Speaker 1: identify as an a d h D er. I'd love
Speaker 1: to hear from you if if this episode affected you
Speaker 1: in any way, please email me Anxiety Bites Weekly at
Speaker 1: gmail dot com, and please do leave a review if
Speaker 1: you'd rather do that on Spotify or iTunes or I
Speaker 1: guess they call it Apple podcast. Now leave five stars.
Speaker 1: You can leave a review, you can write anything that
Speaker 1: you want. Follow me on social media at Jen Kirkman.
Speaker 1: I'm there on Instagram and Twitter, and I post a
Speaker 1: little audio grams from each episode. If you go to
Speaker 1: my website you can read the bullet point takeaways that
Speaker 1: I'm about to give to you right now for every episode,
Speaker 1: and please tweet about the show, post about it on Instagram.
Speaker 1: I would love it get the word out. The more
Speaker 1: people that listen, the more people get better, and the
Speaker 1: more people that get better, the less we have to
Speaker 1: deal with people running around with undiagnosed anxiety without any tools.
Speaker 1: All right, takeaways from my episode with Kristen. A d
Speaker 1: h D simply stands for attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, which
Speaker 1: Kristen finds to be a terrible name because again, a
Speaker 1: d h D is a neurodevelopmental disorder that impairs one's
Speaker 1: ability to regulate themselves, including their attention and their emotions.
Speaker 1: A d h D is not inherently a deficit in attention.
Speaker 1: People with a d h D yes their ability to
Speaker 1: control or supervise their own emotions or intentions is impaired.
Speaker 1: Although a d h D is technically a disorder, you
Speaker 1: can look at it as a brain difference or just
Speaker 1: a different way of functioning. But you are not neurotypical,
Speaker 1: and thank God for that. A d h D impairs
Speaker 1: our executive function. So what is that? Well, there are
Speaker 1: eight executive functions that work together. So one is impulse control.
Speaker 1: That's learning to curb your own impulses. So you have
Speaker 1: a thought, you have an idea, and you might immediately
Speaker 1: take action without having you know, a moment to stop
Speaker 1: and think. You know, you don't think, is this something
Speaker 1: I want to do? Will it lead towards my goal?
Speaker 1: Does it make sense? Long term? You're basically a Ferrari
Speaker 1: engine with bicycle breaks. Emotional control that's another executive function.
Speaker 1: You can't self soothe after an emotional explosion. It could
Speaker 1: even ruin your whole day. For example, you might not
Speaker 1: even be able to get work done. And another executive
Speaker 1: function that neurotypical people have that is difficult for a
Speaker 1: d h dars is flexible thinking. A d h D
Speaker 1: years are black and white thinkers. They're all are nothing.
Speaker 1: Flexible thinkers. They go with the flow, they change plans,
Speaker 1: they transition from one test to another. A d h
Speaker 1: d ars may find themselves having a tough time transitioning
Speaker 1: from one task to another, and to them, you know,
Speaker 1: it's like everything is terrible or everything is amazing. They
Speaker 1: often have to find ways to stay in the gray area.
Speaker 1: Another executive function is a working memory or verbal working memory.
Speaker 1: This can be tough for an a d h dear.
Speaker 1: Neurotypicals kind of do this easily to keep themselves on task.
Speaker 1: It's like having an inner conversation with yourself. It's your
Speaker 1: mind's eye, your ability to see pictures and hold the
Speaker 1: task in your mind long enough to get it done.
Speaker 1: An a d h D person may remember something from
Speaker 1: a long time ago, all of that time we went
Speaker 1: to Disney World. But they're not going to remember to
Speaker 1: stop for milk on the way home, even if they
Speaker 1: have the best of intentions, and even if they thought
Speaker 1: about it three times. Self monitoring is another executive function
Speaker 1: that basically means staying on task and focusing on the
Speaker 1: critical right thing, being able to notice when you're not
Speaker 1: working according to your plan and you know. It includes
Speaker 1: checking in with yourself, self evaluating and jesting and making
Speaker 1: changes accordingly. This does not come easily to someone with
Speaker 1: a d h D. Planning and prioritizing that's kind of
Speaker 1: lumped together as one executive function. So a new typical person,
Speaker 1: their brain looks at the day, assesses what needs to
Speaker 1: get done, naturally puts things into priority order. The a
Speaker 1: d h D brain, everything is on the same plane
Speaker 1: and seems to have the same level of importance. Right
Speaker 1: It's like what I was talking about with a work
Speaker 1: deadline or my laundry that needs folding. It's all important
Speaker 1: to us, and it's all screaming at us at the
Speaker 1: same volume. We don't know where to start. A lot
Speaker 1: of people with a d h D will go into
Speaker 1: overwhelm and shut down task initiation as another executive function,
Speaker 1: and that can be simply too much for someone with
Speaker 1: a d h D. We have to muster up the
Speaker 1: motivation for something and then organization as another executive function.
Speaker 1: It includes not only organizing things, but our time, our money,
Speaker 1: or thoughts, our friend groups. Again, this can be challenging
Speaker 1: for someone with a d h D. So when one
Speaker 1: or more of these eight executive functions are impaired, life
Speaker 1: gets pretty difficult. A d h D is a spectrum disorder.
Speaker 1: We don't all experience the same level of impairment and
Speaker 1: in the same areas. People with a d h D
Speaker 1: tend to have lower levels of dopamine firing off in
Speaker 1: their brain. We have fewer dopamine receptors, so when we
Speaker 1: are doing tasks like folding laundry that give us absolutely
Speaker 1: no dopamine reward, it can be really difficult to muster
Speaker 1: up that motivation and to get things done. Now, people
Speaker 1: may misinterpret that as being lazy, but it really can
Speaker 1: feel overwhelming. And so something that Kristen does is when
Speaker 1: she knows that she's suffering from a lack of dopamine
Speaker 1: and she has to do a task that not only
Speaker 1: doesn't interest her, but it causes this sort of angst
Speaker 1: about having to do it, she'll try to make it fun,
Speaker 1: whether she is around with her kids or she puts
Speaker 1: on a fun podcast to listen to. You know, you
Speaker 1: might want to listen to music or put on a
Speaker 1: crazy hat or something, but just something to make it
Speaker 1: fun and to get some good vibes flowing. People UM
Speaker 1: with a d h D are often diagnosed later in
Speaker 1: life because it can take a little longer to realize
Speaker 1: that you are not functioning at your full level. You
Speaker 1: may have to actually hit a wall. For for a
Speaker 1: lot of women, UM, they may not be diagnosed until
Speaker 1: they're in their thirties. And it's said that the brain
Speaker 1: of someone with a d h D takes a little
Speaker 1: longer to develop than that of a neural typical person.
Speaker 1: So some people say latent life diagnosis, you might be
Speaker 1: right on time and pretty normal within the world of
Speaker 1: people with a d h D. So again, I hope
Speaker 1: this episode helped. I know it's certainly helped me and
Speaker 1: I can talk about a d h D all day long.
Speaker 1: All right, Well, tell a friend about the podcast, meet
Speaker 1: me on social media at Jen Kirkman again, like I
Speaker 1: said on Twitter, on Instagram, check out everything Kristen Carter
Speaker 1: again linked in the show notes and yes, anxiety bites,
Speaker 1: but you're in control. For more podcasts for my Heart Radio,
Speaker 1: visit the I heart radio, app, Apple podcast, or wherever
Speaker 1: you listen to your favorite shows.