WEBVTT - I Have ADHD 0:00:08.520 --> 0:00:11.360 This is the Anxiety Bites podcast and I am your host, 0:00:11.520 --> 0:00:18.439 Jen Kirkman. I have a d h D. Oh sorry, 0:00:18.760 --> 0:00:21.319 Welcome to another episode of Anxiety Bites. I am your host, 0:00:21.400 --> 0:00:26.120 Jen Kirkman. My guest today is Kristen Carter and her 0:00:26.120 --> 0:00:31.320 website is I have a d h D dot com. 0:00:31.320 --> 0:00:34.040 But I'm also announcing I have a d h D. 0:00:34.080 --> 0:00:41.320 And it's been such an interesting unraveling of figuring out 0:00:41.400 --> 0:00:44.519 that I had it, not believing it for so many 0:00:44.600 --> 0:00:48.720 years because I didn't seem to have the typical symptoms 0:00:48.760 --> 0:00:52.120 that I'd always heard about. And my diagnosis came right 0:00:52.200 --> 0:00:54.560 on the edge of when a lot of this information 0:00:54.640 --> 0:00:57.520 was freely available on the Internet, and so I thought, 0:00:57.520 --> 0:00:59.560 I mean, I do think I have it, and you 0:00:59.600 --> 0:01:02.480 hear me talk about it in this episode that I 0:01:02.520 --> 0:01:04.880 was actually diagnosed by some when I lived with who, 0:01:05.480 --> 0:01:08.360 I thought that I was having bizarre emotional regulation issues 0:01:08.400 --> 0:01:12.160 around you know, meeting deadlines, treating the laundry as that 0:01:12.280 --> 0:01:17.959 we're launching a nuke. And when I talked to my psychiatrist, 0:01:18.040 --> 0:01:20.959 because I've always I always had one, for I had 0:01:21.080 --> 0:01:23.960 the same one for twenty years. He would prescribe and 0:01:24.360 --> 0:01:27.360 presence as needed, and anxiety medication is needed for flying. 0:01:28.000 --> 0:01:31.080 And when I brought this a d h D potential 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:35.039 diagnosis to him, he said, yeah, I think you know, 0:01:35.080 --> 0:01:37.280 from what we've talked about, you definitely have some symptoms 0:01:37.280 --> 0:01:40.320 of it. And I took the very long questionnaire and 0:01:40.400 --> 0:01:44.440 I came up as someone who has it. But it 0:01:44.520 --> 0:01:48.680 wasn't really resonating with me yet because I kept thinking, well, 0:01:48.720 --> 0:01:52.280 but I you know, I didn't have trouble paying attention 0:01:52.320 --> 0:01:55.080 in school, and and I wasn't running around dance and 0:01:55.120 --> 0:01:57.520 my pants. And I took ballet after school. You know, 0:01:57.600 --> 0:02:01.840 I took dance lessons and piano lessons many times a week, 0:02:01.880 --> 0:02:03.680 and I was able to focus in class. But now 0:02:03.680 --> 0:02:08.440 when I look back over all of that, Yes, I 0:02:08.440 --> 0:02:10.920 took piano lessons and I loved it and I was 0:02:11.080 --> 0:02:14.640 completely in the zone and completely focused at my lessons. 0:02:15.639 --> 0:02:20.919 Did I practice. I hated practicing it just I decided 0:02:20.919 --> 0:02:22.959 to draw even though I wanted to. It's it was 0:02:23.000 --> 0:02:25.040 always this thing that I really actually want to but 0:02:25.120 --> 0:02:28.480 I can't get started ballet. I wanted to be a dancer, 0:02:29.480 --> 0:02:31.080 I mean, was the number one thing in my life, 0:02:31.240 --> 0:02:34.799 you know, ended up in comedy. But I wasn't a 0:02:34.840 --> 0:02:36.600 little kid who dreamed of being a comedian. I dreamed 0:02:36.600 --> 0:02:39.200 of being a dancer. Did I practice now? But I 0:02:39.240 --> 0:02:41.760 love being in class. You know, it's just like these 0:02:41.800 --> 0:02:43.760 little things where it doesn't have to be so literal 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:45.920 where you're jumping up and down in your seat and 0:02:45.919 --> 0:02:48.320 the teachers saying, go to the principle's office because you're 0:02:48.360 --> 0:02:50.239 so disruptive. You know, I was kind of good to 0:02:50.320 --> 0:02:52.880 two shoots, as afraid of getting in trouble. But I 0:02:52.919 --> 0:02:55.959 had outbursts, you know, I definitely did, not often, but 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:59.160 at least once a year, which you know, there's not 0:02:59.200 --> 0:03:01.200 a lot for you know, someone with a d h D, 0:03:01.280 --> 0:03:03.880 they don't really get taken to a psychiatrist or medicaid 0:03:03.880 --> 0:03:06.880 because once a year there's an outburst. But there were 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:10.000 little things here and there, and you know, a d 0:03:10.160 --> 0:03:13.120 h D some people do think of it as an 0:03:13.120 --> 0:03:20.000 anxiety disorder. There are so many things that exist with 0:03:20.080 --> 0:03:23.799 it and so many things that it mimics, and it's 0:03:23.919 --> 0:03:29.280 hard to figure out what is this true a d 0:03:29.400 --> 0:03:33.639 h D or you know, am I am I over 0:03:33.680 --> 0:03:36.280 here having more O c D. It's a it's a 0:03:36.280 --> 0:03:39.160 tricky little diagnosis, but once you really lock into what 0:03:39.240 --> 0:03:42.040 it is, and you've lived long enough and you can 0:03:42.120 --> 0:03:48.000 look back and and think, oh, oh, it's all coming together. 0:03:49.560 --> 0:03:53.400 It must feel like, I don't know, if you've had 0:03:53.440 --> 0:03:58.280 some kind of undiagnosed more of a physical illness. Maybe 0:03:58.320 --> 0:04:00.840 you've been tired for ten years and will have been saying, oh, 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:02.680 you're just lazy, or you eat too much sugar, and 0:04:02.720 --> 0:04:05.040 then you find out, oh, no, it's it's actually this 0:04:05.240 --> 0:04:09.040 uh chronic well, I don't even know chronic thing that 0:04:09.520 --> 0:04:11.680 you know, I've got some blood thing or I don't know, 0:04:12.840 --> 0:04:15.000 but it feels very much like that. Once I started 0:04:15.040 --> 0:04:19.240 to learn more about it, once more information became readily available. 0:04:20.720 --> 0:04:22.560 There is a part of me that can self diagnosed, 0:04:22.600 --> 0:04:24.159 and there is a part of me that brings these 0:04:24.160 --> 0:04:29.479 things to a psychiatrist that I now see and he validates, yes, 0:04:29.600 --> 0:04:32.599 these are a h D symptoms. Here are the things 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:35.359 that people do for it. So now I have tools, 0:04:36.000 --> 0:04:38.320 and now I can just even recognize, I mean even 0:04:38.360 --> 0:04:42.240 just me thinking this is that a d h D behavior. 0:04:42.279 --> 0:04:45.520 It doesn't matter where did it come from, just knowing 0:04:45.520 --> 0:04:49.599 it in the moment and just thinking I am convinced 0:04:49.680 --> 0:04:52.200 right now that if I do blah, blah and blah. 0:04:52.240 --> 0:04:56.119 I will soothe this feeling that I have no time. 0:04:56.400 --> 0:04:58.520 If I just do this, this, and this, I will 0:04:58.680 --> 0:05:02.200 soothe that feel ng that I can do it all 0:05:02.200 --> 0:05:04.640 and I have to do it all at once. And 0:05:04.680 --> 0:05:07.120 I just keep telling myself you're wrong. I know it's 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:10.479 impossible to believe, but that's not true. So take a 0:05:10.560 --> 0:05:15.960 contrary action, you know, That's what helps me. But it 0:05:16.040 --> 0:05:18.760 really did put a lot of things into focus for 0:05:18.800 --> 0:05:23.240 me where I've had trouble regulating emotions, which may sound like, oh, 0:05:23.279 --> 0:05:26.960 I'm having these outbursts and I'm running around screaming. I've 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:28.920 definitely done that. But but what I mean more is 0:05:29.120 --> 0:05:32.640 when feelings feel so intense that you don't know. Oh, 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:35.400 not everyone feels this way, you know. Obviously we all 0:05:35.440 --> 0:05:39.120 have our moments, but where you're insides almost feel like 0:05:39.120 --> 0:05:44.719 a roller coaster from quote normal human experiences, and it 0:05:44.760 --> 0:05:48.400 can be so overwhelming that you might not be able 0:05:48.440 --> 0:05:53.040 to function, you know, And no one ever thinks of 0:05:53.160 --> 0:05:54.520 that as a d h D. I mean, I don't. 0:05:54.839 --> 0:05:57.400 I don't mean no one. Obviously, professionals understand it, and 0:05:57.440 --> 0:06:00.880 people that have had it and have really been diagnosed 0:06:00.920 --> 0:06:03.240 understand it, but just you stop someone on the street, 0:06:03.920 --> 0:06:06.080 they would not say, oh, yeah, that sounds like an 0:06:06.080 --> 0:06:08.600 a d h D symptom. You know, I think a 0:06:08.720 --> 0:06:11.360 d h D is one of those diagnosis that a 0:06:11.400 --> 0:06:13.880 lot of the symptoms have probably just been people writing 0:06:13.880 --> 0:06:17.240 you off as crazy your whole life. And so it's 0:06:17.440 --> 0:06:19.640 been a huge relief for me to to find out 0:06:19.720 --> 0:06:28.000 really what this mysterious little disorder is. And so I 0:06:28.000 --> 0:06:34.320 wanted to talk to Kristen Carter specifically, because again, we've 0:06:34.320 --> 0:06:37.400 got our neuroscientists out there, we've got our you know, 0:06:38.360 --> 0:06:42.800 I'm a brain blah blah person, and I know what 0:06:42.880 --> 0:06:44.800 a d h D is, but so rarely do these 0:06:44.839 --> 0:06:47.040 people have a d h D. I wanted to talk 0:06:47.040 --> 0:06:50.760 to someone who has a d h D and somehow 0:06:50.839 --> 0:06:56.640 managed to start a great podcast, to become a coach 0:06:56.760 --> 0:06:59.080 that helps other people with a d h D, that 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:03.000 leads workshop, that has a great website, that is a 0:07:03.040 --> 0:07:06.480 mom with you know, a husband and kids, this huge, 0:07:06.480 --> 0:07:11.120 fully functioning life that's running on all cylinders, and she 0:07:11.200 --> 0:07:16.240 has a d h D. And she had to slowly 0:07:16.320 --> 0:07:21.280 realized as she was educating herself that a lot of 0:07:21.280 --> 0:07:26.840 the things she had had been misdiagnosed, not completely understood 0:07:26.920 --> 0:07:29.280 or explained to her, and she took matters into her 0:07:29.280 --> 0:07:32.840 own hands. And so that's how I feel my journey 0:07:32.880 --> 0:07:36.560 is a little bit and in the in the sense 0:07:36.600 --> 0:07:38.800 of I'm a high functioning a d h d R 0:07:40.360 --> 0:07:43.400 and sometimes I need to hear someone that actually knows 0:07:43.440 --> 0:07:46.480 what it feels like as well as has the science 0:07:46.520 --> 0:07:49.200 and the research to talk about it intelligently and back 0:07:49.240 --> 0:07:52.240 it up. But that I just was so excited that 0:07:52.240 --> 0:07:55.480 that she came on the podcast. And so if you're 0:07:55.480 --> 0:07:57.840 a fellow a d h d R, as Kristin calls us, 0:07:58.560 --> 0:08:01.160 welcome to this episode, think you will get a lot 0:08:01.200 --> 0:08:04.600 out of it. For me, I think the biggest thing 0:08:04.720 --> 0:08:11.120 that I actually really learned from listening to Kristen's podcast, 0:08:11.120 --> 0:08:13.400 and it's something I hadn't heard this before, but it 0:08:13.520 --> 0:08:16.960 just clicked one day and I went, this is the 0:08:17.000 --> 0:08:23.280 answer to everything, is that a d h D is 0:08:23.360 --> 0:08:27.320 not just about not being able to pay attention. In fact, 0:08:27.360 --> 0:08:30.920 it really has so little to do with not being 0:08:30.960 --> 0:08:37.040 able to pay attention. It's a neurodevelopmental disorder that impairs 0:08:37.080 --> 0:08:41.960 your ability to regulate yourself, including your attention and your emotions. 0:08:42.520 --> 0:08:45.480 The emotions I feel is the part we never hear 0:08:45.520 --> 0:08:48.200 about it. We never hear about I mean, but you're 0:08:48.200 --> 0:08:51.880 gonna hear about it on this episode, so let's just 0:08:51.920 --> 0:08:54.400 get right to it again. I will tell you a 0:08:54.400 --> 0:08:57.920 little bit about my guest Kristen Carter. She has a 0:08:57.960 --> 0:09:03.000 great podcast called I Have a d h D. It's 0:09:03.040 --> 0:09:06.000 the number one top rated podcast for adult a d 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:09.320 h D. She's got over two million downloads. Again, you 0:09:09.360 --> 0:09:12.840 can work with her. She is a coach that helps 0:09:12.960 --> 0:09:18.120 people with a d h D. And she also helps 0:09:18.240 --> 0:09:24.040 adults figure out how to get ship done and enjoy 0:09:24.200 --> 0:09:29.840 their lives. So if you need support, check out her 0:09:29.880 --> 0:09:32.400 website I have a d h D dot com. It 0:09:32.480 --> 0:09:36.719 will be linked in the show notes. So let's go 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:42.120 to my conversation. Oh my god, this happened on another episode. 0:09:42.320 --> 0:09:45.839 This bluetooth thing keeps talking to me. I know I 0:09:45.880 --> 0:09:49.560 should edit that out. What am I going to do that? 0:09:49.760 --> 0:09:52.800 This is the Anxiety Bites podcast, This isn't the Perfection podcast. 0:09:53.120 --> 0:09:59.480 Enjoying my conversation with Kristin Carter. Chris and I've already 0:09:59.480 --> 0:10:01.360 told all my guests all about you in the intro, 0:10:01.440 --> 0:10:05.840 and I don't normally start podcast this way because it's 0:10:05.960 --> 0:10:09.679 usually just about them. I normally knows our podcasts this 0:10:09.720 --> 0:10:13.760 way because it's usually about the anxiety symptom or disease 0:10:13.760 --> 0:10:16.400 itself that we kind of focus on. But I do 0:10:16.400 --> 0:10:18.840 want to focus on your story of how you became 0:10:19.600 --> 0:10:21.720 an a d h D coach because I feel like 0:10:21.760 --> 0:10:24.880 it's such an a d h D success story and 0:10:24.880 --> 0:10:29.480 and it really illustrates how we have to advocate for 0:10:29.520 --> 0:10:32.160 ourselves and almost feels like some even though there's a 0:10:32.200 --> 0:10:34.480 lot of info out there that's sort of the problem, 0:10:34.480 --> 0:10:36.760 we're kind of on our own. So would you tell 0:10:37.520 --> 0:10:40.720 my listeners the story of how you came to be 0:10:42.520 --> 0:10:44.160 you know, what what you do for a living, and 0:10:44.200 --> 0:10:47.280 how you came to that. Yes, I would love to, 0:10:47.840 --> 0:10:52.720 so thank you so much for that. I think that 0:10:54.320 --> 0:10:56.360 you know, the way that my story has kind of 0:10:56.400 --> 0:11:01.120 played out really proves that us each years often have 0:11:01.240 --> 0:11:05.000 to try a bunch of things before we kind of 0:11:05.080 --> 0:11:07.400 come home to what we were always meant to do. 0:11:08.320 --> 0:11:11.600 And that's the way that I feel coaching has been 0:11:11.640 --> 0:11:14.920 for me. I feel as though it kind of found 0:11:15.080 --> 0:11:19.120 me and I feel just like at home in it. 0:11:20.080 --> 0:11:26.040 Um So I've always coached people Um. What I realized 0:11:26.040 --> 0:11:28.200 now looking back, is like against their will. I've been 0:11:28.200 --> 0:11:35.200 coaching people people, sorry, everyone at the exactly. Um, like 0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:39.160 with no consent. I've been coaching family members, friends, teachers. 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:44.599 It's like it's people have come to me my whole life. Um. 0:11:44.640 --> 0:11:46.880 And it was always something that I you know, I 0:11:46.960 --> 0:11:50.800 just really enjoyed doing. My best friends nicknamed me coach. 0:11:50.840 --> 0:11:52.720 I didn't even know life coaching was a thing though, 0:11:53.200 --> 0:11:57.120 I just like it's it really is a new industry. 0:11:57.280 --> 0:12:01.080 And so at the time I am that I went 0:12:01.240 --> 0:12:04.559 looking for a d H D help, I could not 0:12:04.760 --> 0:12:09.079 find someone that I really resonated with, that I felt 0:12:09.120 --> 0:12:13.000 was speaking my language, that really was a reflection of 0:12:13.040 --> 0:12:17.240 who I was and you know, the person that I 0:12:17.320 --> 0:12:21.560 wanted to become. And so I got pretty frustrated in 0:12:21.640 --> 0:12:25.440 my thirties kind of going around looking, you know, looking 0:12:25.480 --> 0:12:28.640 at different podcasts and googling different coaches and like all 0:12:28.640 --> 0:12:31.079 of these things. I just kept trying to find an 0:12:31.080 --> 0:12:33.839 example that I wanted to follow. And there are some 0:12:34.120 --> 0:12:37.360 amazing examples out there, but not anybody that I really 0:12:37.400 --> 0:12:40.880 resonated with. And so the first thing that I did 0:12:41.040 --> 0:12:44.000 was listened to that little nagging voice inside of my 0:12:44.040 --> 0:12:47.960 head that said maybe I could start a podcast, Maybe 0:12:48.240 --> 0:12:50.439 maybe I could do it. And I do have the 0:12:50.559 --> 0:12:53.679 kind of person outy that's like, let's just go for it, right, 0:12:53.800 --> 0:12:57.160 which I think a d h D just really played 0:12:57.200 --> 0:13:00.120 a beautiful part into that. So I was like willing 0:13:00.200 --> 0:13:03.320 to take the risk. I was willing to um put 0:13:03.360 --> 0:13:07.400 myself out there, and I just went for it like impulsively, UM, 0:13:07.440 --> 0:13:09.120 just like Okay, let's do it. And I kind of 0:13:09.160 --> 0:13:11.480 threw out my podcast into the darkness of the night 0:13:11.559 --> 0:13:13.680 and hoped that no one would ever listen to it. Ever, 0:13:14.040 --> 0:13:16.040 I didn't know that launching a podcast was the thing. 0:13:16.080 --> 0:13:18.160 I didn't know to gathering an audience. I was just like, 0:13:18.480 --> 0:13:21.520 I'm just gonna shove this episode out there in the 0:13:21.640 --> 0:13:23.720 dark cover of the night and hope that no one 0:13:23.760 --> 0:13:26.480 ever listens to it. And it turns out that people 0:13:26.520 --> 0:13:29.000 really resonated with it, and I do think it's because 0:13:29.040 --> 0:13:32.320 there was a space that needed to be filled with 0:13:32.760 --> 0:13:37.000 a personality like mine, UM, and I think many people 0:13:37.040 --> 0:13:39.640 could have done it. I just decided to do it 0:13:39.920 --> 0:13:45.320 right and so UM. Then, once the podcast was really 0:13:45.360 --> 0:13:47.760 being listened to, a lot of people started reaching out 0:13:47.800 --> 0:13:49.600 to me for coaching, and it was a very similar 0:13:49.600 --> 0:13:51.840 experience where I was like, yeah, I could probably do that. 0:13:52.320 --> 0:13:54.840 At the time, I was working with students who had 0:13:55.080 --> 0:14:00.520 learning differences and I was coaching them, and so I thought, well, 0:14:00.559 --> 0:14:02.360 I could do this with adults. Let's just kind of 0:14:02.400 --> 0:14:07.520 tweak it. And it was like magic. It was so 0:14:07.600 --> 0:14:10.120 much fun. The first couple of sessions that I did, 0:14:10.200 --> 0:14:13.480 I was like, holy bleep, I cannot believe how much 0:14:13.520 --> 0:14:16.120 fun this is. And the connection that you get to 0:14:16.240 --> 0:14:19.920 create with a client, and the dopamine hit from seeing 0:14:20.400 --> 0:14:23.920 someone make real changes in their life, it's just incredible. 0:14:24.480 --> 0:14:26.840 And so I needed more of that dopamine hit. Really, 0:14:26.880 --> 0:14:31.960 I was like, let's do more. Do we lack a gosh? Yes? 0:14:32.120 --> 0:14:34.880 And I was just I craved it so um. Over 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:37.960 the course of about a year, I went from I 0:14:38.040 --> 0:14:40.840 owned the company. It was like a tutoring company. I 0:14:40.880 --> 0:14:44.040 owned a brick and mortar company in my town, um 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:47.280 tutoring business. And I really transitioned into coaching full time. 0:14:47.600 --> 0:14:51.280 And that was a very scary, risky decision. I had 0:14:51.360 --> 0:14:54.040 seven part time employees at the time. I had a 0:14:54.040 --> 0:14:57.360 business that was paying my bills. It was you know, 0:14:57.520 --> 0:15:01.040 it wasn't what I loved to do, but it was fine. 0:15:01.400 --> 0:15:04.600 I had no reason, you know, to be like I'm 0:15:04.600 --> 0:15:06.640 going to close down this baby and go like with 0:15:06.680 --> 0:15:11.400 a different baby. But I just felt like coaching was calling. 0:15:11.920 --> 0:15:14.880 It was just calling me. And so UM that has 0:15:14.920 --> 0:15:17.680 been even though it was a very scary decision to make, 0:15:17.800 --> 0:15:19.720 it was the best decision ever because as soon as 0:15:19.760 --> 0:15:23.440 I went all in on it, UM it really did 0:15:24.040 --> 0:15:27.720 totally explode. And that has been really fun. It's been 0:15:27.760 --> 0:15:34.120 a wild ride. It's been UM very humbling privilege to 0:15:34.120 --> 0:15:37.760 be able to walk side by side with so many 0:15:37.800 --> 0:15:40.240 adults with a d h D who have just really 0:15:40.280 --> 0:15:45.680 been overlooked for so long, who have not found UM 0:15:45.800 --> 0:15:49.200 the right fit as far as self development and help 0:15:49.600 --> 0:15:51.840 and for so long have kind of been floundering. And 0:15:51.880 --> 0:15:55.120 to be able to like gather in you know, so 0:15:55.240 --> 0:16:00.880 many people who who just really need UM some specific 0:16:00.920 --> 0:16:04.080 support has just been just the privilege of a lifetime. 0:16:07.440 --> 0:16:15.520 We'll be right back. I'm wondering if you can tell 0:16:15.560 --> 0:16:20.080 me what you have noticed in yourself like about getting 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:25.720 diagnosed that was maybe different than maybe what a man experiences. 0:16:25.760 --> 0:16:27.800 I feel like for MENU, it's that kind of cut 0:16:27.800 --> 0:16:31.320 and dry. Literally they can't pay attention in school, and 0:16:31.320 --> 0:16:33.640 it's followed in their whole life, and they need something 0:16:33.680 --> 0:16:36.200 to focus. And I've always been very high functioning. I've 0:16:36.800 --> 0:16:38.920 if I have a deadline at work and it means 0:16:39.040 --> 0:16:41.200 I have a job or not, like I'm gonna do it. 0:16:41.280 --> 0:16:45.040 I mean, I may be having a complete internal nervous breakdown, 0:16:45.120 --> 0:16:48.480 but nothing doesn't get done. And I love making lists 0:16:48.520 --> 0:16:52.680 and I'm extremely organized, Like if you move this lotion 0:16:52.720 --> 0:16:54.640 on my desk, I'm gonna put it right back. But 0:16:54.760 --> 0:16:57.520 everything else is a complete whirlwind in my life. And 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:02.160 so I thought for sure first along, Um, there's no 0:17:02.240 --> 0:17:03.480 way I can have a d h D because I 0:17:03.520 --> 0:17:07.280 don't have these three symptoms that are most common in men. Yeah, 0:17:07.320 --> 0:17:12.840 that's really really interesting. So I think that I wonder 0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:19.479 if your anxiety like plays a beautiful part in keeping 0:17:19.520 --> 0:17:24.320 you on task? Do you think like making sure, because 0:17:24.560 --> 0:17:27.040 what I find with my clients is that those who 0:17:27.160 --> 0:17:31.320 have like anxiety around performance and making sure things are 0:17:31.359 --> 0:17:36.480 just so and um, you know, keeping your job stuff 0:17:36.520 --> 0:17:41.000 like that like very good things. Um, they are actually 0:17:41.040 --> 0:17:45.840 functioning better on the outside because they have that dose 0:17:45.880 --> 0:17:48.720 of anxiety to come in and really give them the 0:17:48.800 --> 0:17:52.800 juices needed to get the job done. So they might 0:17:52.840 --> 0:17:56.000 not have the dopamine to get started, but they have 0:17:56.200 --> 0:17:58.680 that kick of anxiety that's like, hey, if you don't 0:17:58.720 --> 0:18:00.320 do this, we're gonna lose the job. And it's a 0:18:00.359 --> 0:18:03.960 job and wouldn't be homeless, right, Like I'm I'm in 0:18:04.000 --> 0:18:06.840 a shopping cart in every one of my fantasies, I'm 0:18:06.880 --> 0:18:09.000 like living in a shopping cart with slippers on and 0:18:09.280 --> 0:18:11.720 talking to myself. And so I'm like, well, it's interesting 0:18:11.800 --> 0:18:13.760 you brought that up because you had said that one 0:18:13.800 --> 0:18:15.440 of your gifts of a d h d's putting yourself 0:18:15.480 --> 0:18:18.440 out there. And I had the same thing as a performer. 0:18:18.520 --> 0:18:20.080 You know, I was never afraid to get on stage 0:18:20.119 --> 0:18:22.000 or anything like that, and people would say, you know, 0:18:22.040 --> 0:18:23.760 what's your secret, and I would say, I'm maybe I'm 0:18:23.760 --> 0:18:26.600 just crazy, like I don't even think about consequences. I'm like, 0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:29.520 I need to do this, and now I'm realizing. I know, 0:18:29.560 --> 0:18:33.200 I'm still realizing, and I've just had another epiphany. That's 0:18:33.280 --> 0:18:35.400 one of the gifts of a d h D. But 0:18:35.800 --> 0:18:37.520 you know, it's one of those things where for me, 0:18:37.800 --> 0:18:40.520 if and then I'm going to get to my questions 0:18:40.520 --> 0:18:42.600 for you. But if if you asked everyone I've ever 0:18:42.640 --> 0:18:44.840 worked with do you think she's neurodivergent? Do you think 0:18:44.880 --> 0:18:47.040 she has a d h D? They'd say no. But 0:18:47.080 --> 0:18:50.159 if you ask any romantic relationship I've had, they'd be 0:18:50.240 --> 0:18:54.199 like anywhere from yes to she's crazy. And so if 0:18:54.240 --> 0:18:59.679 you could tell us what is the definition of a 0:18:59.760 --> 0:19:01.080 d h D. And I know that you and I 0:19:01.119 --> 0:19:04.200 agree that it's a terrible name for for a disease. 0:19:04.600 --> 0:19:08.040 Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder is a terrible name for what 0:19:08.400 --> 0:19:12.119 how huge this is. Yeah, it really is a terrible 0:19:12.200 --> 0:19:15.960 name for it because it's extremely misleading. There's actually no 0:19:16.080 --> 0:19:19.440 deficit of attention. We actually have just as much attention 0:19:19.480 --> 0:19:24.440 as anybody else, except we struggle to regulate our attention, 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:27.400 which means we struggle to put it on the right 0:19:27.520 --> 0:19:30.399 thing for the right amount of time in order to 0:19:30.440 --> 0:19:34.920 get that thing accomplished. Right. Um. In addition to that, 0:19:35.160 --> 0:19:37.600 and you know you asked about women and a d 0:19:37.720 --> 0:19:42.119 h D, I think one of the most important components 0:19:42.160 --> 0:19:46.440 for women to understand is we don't just have this 0:19:46.680 --> 0:19:49.680 struggle to regulate our attention. We also have the struggle 0:19:50.200 --> 0:19:57.320 of regulating our emotions and so with women specifically. Um, 0:19:57.359 --> 0:20:02.360 I think that this component is very key because we 0:20:02.480 --> 0:20:05.080 feel emotions very intensely. Now, there's no way to prove 0:20:05.119 --> 0:20:08.200 whether we feel emotions more intensely than somebody else, because 0:20:08.280 --> 0:20:10.959 nobody can like get into my body and know how 0:20:11.000 --> 0:20:13.320 I'm feeling a sensation and whether or not that's more 0:20:13.480 --> 0:20:19.119 than you. Right, But our reactions seem to be bigger, 0:20:19.920 --> 0:20:23.439 um than a neurotypical reactions, right, And so when we 0:20:23.520 --> 0:20:27.960 get frustrated, it's debilitating. When we get excited, it's stabilitating. 0:20:28.040 --> 0:20:31.520 When we get sad, it's stabilitating. Like we have a 0:20:31.640 --> 0:20:36.119 very hard time self soothing coming down off of emotions, 0:20:36.200 --> 0:20:40.679 making sure that we are regulated and even keeled. So 0:20:41.520 --> 0:20:44.440 this makes so much sense when you talk about like 0:20:44.800 --> 0:20:47.920 romantic partners might label me as being a little bit crazy, 0:20:47.960 --> 0:20:51.000 because when you are feeling those like whether it's like 0:20:51.520 --> 0:20:56.760 the emotion of love, even like, we have trouble regulating 0:20:56.800 --> 0:21:00.600 that in our bodies, and so we the way that humans, 0:21:00.800 --> 0:21:03.280 if we don't know how to regulate and self soothed 0:21:03.440 --> 0:21:07.040 within our bodies, then we try to get it out right. 0:21:07.119 --> 0:21:10.359 And so we want to throw that love onto other people, 0:21:10.920 --> 0:21:14.520 or we want to throw that anxiety or that UM frustration, 0:21:14.600 --> 0:21:17.520 and so a lot of times what's happening is we're 0:21:17.560 --> 0:21:24.520 trying to regulate ourselves by kind of UM reacting, responding, 0:21:24.600 --> 0:21:27.240 and kind of throwing our emotions at other people, which 0:21:27.280 --> 0:21:31.320 can be very tricky when it comes to relationships, right, 0:21:31.320 --> 0:21:35.040 And so I d h D is a self regulation disorder. 0:21:35.160 --> 0:21:39.760 We have so much trouble regulating our attention, regulating our emotions. 0:21:39.880 --> 0:21:43.879 And if that is what we can really take away, 0:21:43.880 --> 0:21:50.160 that will change everything, because that perspective really shifts our 0:21:50.320 --> 0:21:53.960 focus to Okay, It's not just a deficit of attention 0:21:53.960 --> 0:21:56.800 where it's like, oh, there she goes again, squirrel. It's like, no, 0:21:57.000 --> 0:22:00.800 I have attention, it's just I struggle to regulate it. 0:22:01.400 --> 0:22:05.040 And I struggled to keep that attention on the most 0:22:05.080 --> 0:22:08.720 important thing. And part of that is because I've less 0:22:08.760 --> 0:22:12.679 dopamine in my brain. And so when it's something like laundry, 0:22:13.000 --> 0:22:17.679 there's like fifty seven steps in getting laundry done, so boring. 0:22:17.840 --> 0:22:20.119 I don't care about it at all. I will just 0:22:20.160 --> 0:22:24.200 wear dirty clothes, like who cares, right, And so the 0:22:24.320 --> 0:22:29.600 levels of dopamine involved with UM getting through the task 0:22:29.640 --> 0:22:33.399 of laundry, it's incredible, right, And so when we have 0:22:33.480 --> 0:22:36.880 less dopamine, laundry can feel like I would rather die 0:22:36.880 --> 0:22:38.880 than do the slaundry, Like I'm just gonna it. Must 0:22:38.920 --> 0:22:41.320 get misdiagnosed a lot of depression, right, because it's like 0:22:41.560 --> 0:22:43.399 because it's a round a task. So you could go 0:22:43.440 --> 0:22:46.200 to a therapist and tell that story. Oh, for example, 0:22:46.359 --> 0:22:49.200 my laundry makes me want to die, and they're like, oh, depression. 0:22:49.200 --> 0:22:51.600 But it's like you're not hopeless in life, you're not 0:22:51.680 --> 0:22:55.560 unmotivated in life. It's just that something that doesn't produce dopamine. 0:22:55.560 --> 0:22:57.879 It's almost like to to make fun of ourselves. And 0:22:57.880 --> 0:23:00.640 I don't really mean this, but like the bad way 0:23:00.680 --> 0:23:03.320 to put it is like we're just like little like 0:23:03.520 --> 0:23:06.520 heathen heathens, like little brats that are like, do I 0:23:06.560 --> 0:23:09.440 get dopamine from this? I don't want to, you know exactly. 0:23:09.480 --> 0:23:12.560 But what we're not realizing is no ner normal but 0:23:12.640 --> 0:23:16.119 like neurotypical people, Um, it's not like they're getting a 0:23:16.160 --> 0:23:18.439 spike of dopamine like their skydiving, but they just have 0:23:18.600 --> 0:23:21.560 enough so that it doesn't feel so you know, like 0:23:21.560 --> 0:23:24.119 they're drowning if they're doing this, right, Is that what 0:23:24.200 --> 0:23:28.240 it is? Yeah, exactly. And this is why, or one 0:23:28.280 --> 0:23:30.440 of the reasons why so many a d H dars 0:23:30.480 --> 0:23:35.000 are just labeled selfish and lazy, interesting and self centered 0:23:35.320 --> 0:23:37.720 is because it's like, oh, you don't want to do 0:23:37.760 --> 0:23:41.560 the dishes. Like what's going on? Right, Like, oh, you 0:23:41.760 --> 0:23:44.000 just want to do the fun stuff and not the 0:23:44.040 --> 0:23:47.000 boring stuff. So like in a partnership, that can be 0:23:47.040 --> 0:23:50.439