WEBVTT - Jemele Hill Speaks On Her Memoir, Forgiveness, Career Risks, Breaking Generational Curses + More 0:00:00.080 --> 0:00:03.800 I was like everybody at this point, I was like 0:00:03.840 --> 0:00:09.039 that man losing bags quick for no reason. Just self 0:00:09.039 --> 0:00:17.920 inflicted man, self inflicted. Okay, thank you. It's really been 0:00:17.920 --> 0:00:24.279 the year self sabotage. I think he's the leader in 0:00:24.320 --> 0:00:28.640 the clubhouse though her self Sabota is yeah, yeah, if 0:00:28.640 --> 0:00:32.680 you look it up in the dictionary, absolutely absolutely. Here 0:00:32.720 --> 0:00:36.880 we go, y'all, morning, everybody in DJ Envy Angela yee 0:00:36.920 --> 0:00:38.800 charlote and the guy. We are to breakfast club. We 0:00:38.800 --> 0:00:43.000 got a special guests in the building. She's got a 0:00:43.040 --> 0:00:46.640 new book out her uphill, her memoir. That's right. Great picture, 0:00:46.640 --> 0:00:48.239 by the way, thank you. How many of these did 0:00:48.240 --> 0:00:50.000 you have to pick through before you landed on this week? 0:00:50.040 --> 0:00:52.559 You know what? And this is gonna sound far more 0:00:52.600 --> 0:00:55.800 delicious than I actually mean it, But that was from 0:00:55.800 --> 0:00:59.200 a Playboy shoot. I did what Yeah, So how did 0:00:59.240 --> 0:01:02.560 you Playboy? Yeah? Because Playboy, um reading for the articles 0:01:02.680 --> 0:01:06.160 is good writing, it's very good writing. And Playboy every 0:01:06.440 --> 0:01:10.120 let me see with pictures on the back. But they 0:01:10.200 --> 0:01:12.520 did a feature on me um at some point. I 0:01:12.560 --> 0:01:15.760 think it was earlier this year. And so the photo shoot, Uh, 0:01:16.319 --> 0:01:18.560 the photographer I think believe his name is Eric Carter. 0:01:18.600 --> 0:01:21.240 He's based out of la He took some phenomenal photos. 0:01:21.240 --> 0:01:25.160 So because during covid um, you know, we couldn't really 0:01:25.160 --> 0:01:28.119 work out how to you know, get new photos taken. 0:01:28.200 --> 0:01:30.800 So I was like, I love these from the Playboy shoot. 0:01:30.680 --> 0:01:32.120 I play a joke on the husband and be like, hey, 0:01:32.160 --> 0:01:33.960 I'm doing a shoot with Playboy. Oh I totally did. 0:01:34.120 --> 0:01:36.240 Like that was just like I'm gonna being Playboy. He 0:01:36.319 --> 0:01:40.600 was like, what anymore? No, I don't think so. I 0:01:40.600 --> 0:01:43.679 think it's like a more of a you know, content 0:01:43.840 --> 0:01:46.920 or they've always had good articles and player I'm serious. Listen, 0:01:46.959 --> 0:01:50.280 Alex Hayley wrote for Playboy. Okay, so like, I don't 0:01:50.280 --> 0:01:54.960 think anybody ever went to Playboy for the articles you're 0:01:55.000 --> 0:01:57.400 telling on yourself right now. But that's okay. I love 0:01:57.440 --> 0:02:00.120 to tite a little book to uphill and I'm is 0:02:00.160 --> 0:02:01.720 a play on your last name, of course, but I 0:02:01.760 --> 0:02:05.920 mean it actually isn't. It's not And it was not 0:02:05.960 --> 0:02:08.160 my title idea. This was not the original title that 0:02:08.200 --> 0:02:15.400 I wanted that came in third uh. No, the original 0:02:15.400 --> 0:02:17.640 title I wanted was Broken Curses because I talked a 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:20.520 lot about my family history, family trauma and all of 0:02:20.560 --> 0:02:23.040 that and my mother. And I'm sure you know, you 0:02:23.120 --> 0:02:25.320 guys have heard this before from elders or from your 0:02:25.320 --> 0:02:28.320 parents or uncles or whatever. But the fact that there 0:02:28.360 --> 0:02:30.720 are generational curses and my mother used to talk about, 0:02:31.160 --> 0:02:33.639 you know, breaking those in our family. And so that's 0:02:33.639 --> 0:02:36.160 why I wanted to name in Broken Curses. But my 0:02:36.240 --> 0:02:39.960 publisher they thought it was a little too negative, that 0:02:40.000 --> 0:02:43.840 it wasn't uplifting enough. And my book editor, Shannon shout 0:02:43.840 --> 0:02:45.799 out to you, Shannon, she came up with that title. 0:02:45.880 --> 0:02:48.480 Up you okay, And I said, to you, the chosen 0:02:48.520 --> 0:02:52.600 one said it because honestly, you talk about your mom 0:02:52.639 --> 0:02:54.959 and the things that she's been through and your whole family, 0:02:55.000 --> 0:02:58.919 and it's a lot, and so how did she feel about, 0:02:59.639 --> 0:03:02.640 you know, these stories being told. So I talked to 0:03:02.680 --> 0:03:07.000 my mother, but we had numerous conversations about what was 0:03:07.040 --> 0:03:09.000 going to be in this book, and she knew what 0:03:09.040 --> 0:03:10.440 I was doing in the journey that I was on 0:03:10.520 --> 0:03:12.320 and writing it, and knew that I wanted to write 0:03:12.320 --> 0:03:16.200 it transparently. But honestly, Angel, that was probably the most 0:03:16.200 --> 0:03:21.160 difficult part because I was I was in the unfortunate 0:03:21.240 --> 0:03:24.680 position of asking my mother about the worst moments of 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:29.720 her life, and I tried to save those conversations for last, 0:03:29.880 --> 0:03:31.919 if you will, so that we could talk about maybe 0:03:31.919 --> 0:03:35.720 happier things and fund memories, just to kind of not 0:03:36.200 --> 0:03:39.800 come from a traumatic, you know, perspective. And so it 0:03:39.840 --> 0:03:41.880 was tough. I mean, my mother told me some stories 0:03:41.960 --> 0:03:44.200 I did not even know. You know, the story that 0:03:44.240 --> 0:03:49.120 I tell in the book about her, Okay, but you know, 0:03:49.160 --> 0:03:50.800 I guess it's an example of a story. But the 0:03:50.840 --> 0:03:53.480 story I tell them the book about how one of 0:03:53.480 --> 0:03:56.880 her low points during her addiction was being, you know, 0:03:56.960 --> 0:03:59.720 caught in this drug house and having to hide out 0:03:59.760 --> 0:04:03.000 from drug dealers in that house on the floor, on 0:04:03.040 --> 0:04:05.440 a rat infestive floor. I didn't even know that story 0:04:05.720 --> 0:04:07.320 until she told me, because that happened when I was 0:04:07.320 --> 0:04:09.520 in college. I was so scared with that part. It 0:04:09.560 --> 0:04:14.560 was underneath those dirty clothes, rats running around, yep, Andy, 0:04:14.640 --> 0:04:16.160 and I thought they was gonna steal her car while 0:04:16.240 --> 0:04:19.400 she was inside. Uh well, her her car, as I 0:04:19.520 --> 0:04:23.280 tell did eventually get stolen, you know, um and uh 0:04:24.000 --> 0:04:25.840 it was nothing she could do about it, but it 0:04:25.880 --> 0:04:27.600 was where she was at the time that was stolen, 0:04:27.600 --> 0:04:29.360 at what she was doing. How did you feel having 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:32.520 those conversations with your mom because I had to be emotional. 0:04:32.680 --> 0:04:35.080 I was reading some of that stuff that she went through, 0:04:35.080 --> 0:04:38.680 and I was like in tears, Um it was. It 0:04:38.760 --> 0:04:41.279 was difficult, and but I think for her it was 0:04:41.360 --> 0:04:46.479 cathartic because these are traumatic incidents that you know, during 0:04:46.520 --> 0:04:50.080 the time after she was you know, sexually abused, and 0:04:50.120 --> 0:04:52.880 as I telling the book, she was the victim of 0:04:52.960 --> 0:04:56.320 a violent rape. You know, people weren't going to therapy then, 0:04:56.440 --> 0:04:59.880 like that wasn't suggested and as you know, Charlemagne from 0:04:59.920 --> 0:05:03.120 your working mental health in our community, that was something 0:05:03.200 --> 0:05:05.800 we didn't do. So imagine going through all of that 0:05:05.880 --> 0:05:09.120 with no therapy. And that's why, as I discussed in 0:05:09.120 --> 0:05:12.080 the book, she was going through very severe PTSD and 0:05:12.120 --> 0:05:14.600 did not know it because that wasn't a term then 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:18.599 that we even were familiar with. And so, yeah, those 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:23.200 are those are difficult conversations, but I think at the 0:05:23.320 --> 0:05:25.880 end of them, it was really healing for both of us. 0:05:26.040 --> 0:05:29.240 You know, to be honest, like I certainly knew about 0:05:29.279 --> 0:05:33.360 the trauma she experienced, but her going into detail it 0:05:33.400 --> 0:05:37.040 gives me a better and more enriched perspective about who 0:05:37.040 --> 0:05:38.760 she is. Yeah, I feel like it allowed I feel 0:05:38.800 --> 0:05:41.799 like it allowed you to give her more grace. Yeah, 0:05:41.839 --> 0:05:44.279 and listen, people have been asking me about what I 0:05:44.320 --> 0:05:46.080 want people to take away from this book. It's a 0:05:46.080 --> 0:05:48.880 few things, but one of the most important things is 0:05:48.920 --> 0:05:52.520 that I want I want people to know you should 0:05:52.520 --> 0:05:55.160 talk to your people while they're here, right like your mother's, 0:05:55.200 --> 0:05:59.000 your auntie's, your father, whoever in your family, find out 0:05:59.120 --> 0:06:02.720 about them because as usually, like especially your relatives and 0:06:02.800 --> 0:06:05.680 especially your parents, they lived the whole life before you 0:06:05.720 --> 0:06:10.240 even got here. And writing this book it really made 0:06:10.279 --> 0:06:12.680 me miss my grandmother who died in twenty and ten, 0:06:12.800 --> 0:06:15.720 because I realized I didn't ask her nearly as much 0:06:15.760 --> 0:06:18.599 about her life as I should have. You know, even 0:06:18.680 --> 0:06:21.200 I know it's hard sometimes for parents and grandparents to share, 0:06:21.800 --> 0:06:25.840 you know, traumatic moments or their failures or disappointments, but 0:06:26.000 --> 0:06:28.200 it helps you see them as full of people, and 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:30.719 maybe that does allow you to give them more grace 0:06:30.760 --> 0:06:32.960 with some of the decisions they made and even in 0:06:33.000 --> 0:06:35.400 some respects to how they've treated you. I was gonna ask, 0:06:35.400 --> 0:06:38.320 did you understand more after talking to your mom and 0:06:38.560 --> 0:06:40.880 writing this book, because you know, even for myself, I 0:06:40.880 --> 0:06:44.280 didn't really understand until I had kids, and then when 0:06:44.320 --> 0:06:46.159 I had kids and I'm living my own life. I'm like, 0:06:46.240 --> 0:06:48.440 that's why my dad did that, That's why my mom 0:06:48.560 --> 0:06:51.360 acted that way. But you know, during the time, I 0:06:51.400 --> 0:06:52.960 don't want to say I hated them, what you hated 0:06:53.040 --> 0:06:55.280 what they were doing, right, But now I was like, damn, 0:06:55.279 --> 0:06:57.880 I understand. So did you understand more and were able 0:06:57.920 --> 0:07:01.359 to I'm you know, what I understood more is why 0:07:01.880 --> 0:07:04.719 even in present day she lives with so much regret. 0:07:04.800 --> 0:07:08.599 We had an interesting conversation recently about that because I 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:12.880 forgave my mother for this a long time ago. I've 0:07:13.000 --> 0:07:16.200 let this go because I think as a kid, you know, 0:07:16.360 --> 0:07:20.480 it was it was different because her trauma was something 0:07:20.520 --> 0:07:22.800 I had to navigate around. So it felt like my 0:07:22.920 --> 0:07:26.280 childhood was being stolen from me. And so you know, 0:07:26.320 --> 0:07:29.720 you carry some resentment for that, and so I let 0:07:29.720 --> 0:07:33.040 that go. I forgave her, encouraged her as she was 0:07:33.080 --> 0:07:35.080 turning her life around. You know my mother, I mean, 0:07:35.160 --> 0:07:37.000 she's got her masters now, you know, she got her 0:07:37.000 --> 0:07:40.800 bachelor masters. You know, she outeducated me, which I'm very 0:07:40.920 --> 0:07:42.360 very proud that she did that, and she went back 0:07:42.400 --> 0:07:45.960 to school in her fifties. Okay, and so you know, 0:07:46.080 --> 0:07:48.400 this has really been a remarkable turn amount for her. 0:07:48.520 --> 0:07:52.200 But yeah, I mean, you know, once I let all 0:07:52.240 --> 0:07:55.880 of that stuff, you know, go, I think I was 0:07:55.920 --> 0:07:58.800 good with it. But she I think she still struggles 0:07:58.800 --> 0:08:03.000 to forgive herself because she feels like she missed so much. 0:08:03.480 --> 0:08:05.920 And but the thing isn't It's something I wrote in 0:08:05.960 --> 0:08:07.960 the book. It's like my mother was there for everything, 0:08:08.360 --> 0:08:11.760 Like even though you know she had a severe addiction. 0:08:12.360 --> 0:08:15.160 I didn't have one of those stories where my mom 0:08:15.240 --> 0:08:17.920 was missing for days, like or didn't feed me, or 0:08:17.960 --> 0:08:20.120 the lights was cut off, and she was very protective 0:08:20.120 --> 0:08:23.080 of it no matter what. So like I didn't that 0:08:23.160 --> 0:08:25.920 wasn't my story necessarily, because I know some people who 0:08:25.960 --> 0:08:28.080 are the child the child of addicts, they do have 0:08:28.160 --> 0:08:31.880 that story. But she was there, but she wasn't always present, 0:08:32.240 --> 0:08:34.720 you know what I mean. And so I think because 0:08:34.720 --> 0:08:37.920 she was trying to um, you know, figure out how 0:08:37.920 --> 0:08:40.000 to come out of all the darkness she was in. 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:45.720 I had to figure out ways to navigate around her abuse, 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:47.400 her drug abuse. You know what I'm saying. It's like 0:08:47.480 --> 0:08:48.719 I don't know what mood you're gonna be, and I 0:08:48.760 --> 0:08:50.880 don't know what person I'm getting today. I don't know 0:08:51.000 --> 0:08:53.800 when I come home, what dynamic I'm going to find? 0:08:53.920 --> 0:08:56.920 And so that for me was where the resentment was 0:08:56.920 --> 0:08:58.520 coming from, is feeling like, man, I got to do 0:08:58.640 --> 0:09:01.520 all this, you know, I'm trying to be a kid, 0:09:01.559 --> 0:09:05.040 and it's all this seriousness and darkness kind of around us, 0:09:05.040 --> 0:09:09.280 and so, um, I think once I really talk to 0:09:09.320 --> 0:09:11.320 her about it, and we've talked throughout the years, but 0:09:11.760 --> 0:09:15.000 it definitely helped me to understand a lot of the 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:18.000 decisions she made. Well, watching what she went through, did 0:09:18.000 --> 0:09:20.440 it like scale you away from drugs and alcohol? Oh? 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:24.319 I mean, you know, like I've never ever tried hard 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:27.080 drugs in my life. I don't know anybody who's done 0:09:27.080 --> 0:09:29.520 any of that. I mean that, I know I don't. 0:09:29.559 --> 0:09:31.400 I'm not on that scene. I'm not about that. I 0:09:31.400 --> 0:09:33.800 mean I smoked a little weed like here and there. Um, 0:09:33.840 --> 0:09:36.240 they had taken an edible or two like like, that's 0:09:36.280 --> 0:09:39.680 about it. Um, And I do like tequila. But knowing 0:09:39.760 --> 0:09:43.040 the history of addiction in my family has definitely made 0:09:43.040 --> 0:09:45.720 me more cognizant of some things. Did your mom forgive 0:09:45.800 --> 0:09:49.480 her mother? Did she have that opportunity to have those conversations? 0:09:49.559 --> 0:09:54.240 So they didn't They didn't get to the best place 0:09:54.559 --> 0:09:57.360 they were. There was always unconditional love. My mother loved 0:09:57.400 --> 0:10:02.640 my grandmother fiercely. But when my grandmother made the decision 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:05.920 not to believe her about the abuse my mother suffered 0:10:05.920 --> 0:10:09.120 at the hands of her brother, it was a fracture 0:10:09.120 --> 0:10:14.360 in their relationship that never healed. And unfortunately, even when 0:10:14.360 --> 0:10:18.560 my grandmother died, like my mother was her caretaker, you know, 0:10:18.640 --> 0:10:23.120 like she regardless of whatever state their relationship was in 0:10:23.120 --> 0:10:25.840 in the moment, my mother was never going to abandon 0:10:25.920 --> 0:10:28.959 and stop loving my grandmother. And my grandmother definitely loved her, 0:10:29.000 --> 0:10:33.839 but she herself was somebody who you know, we used 0:10:33.840 --> 0:10:36.080 to have conversations about this, Like she used to tell me, 0:10:36.120 --> 0:10:38.920 like she didn't really want kids, and she felt she 0:10:39.000 --> 0:10:42.640 was a very smart woman, you know, and she was 0:10:42.679 --> 0:10:45.720 really she really wanted a career, like the kind of 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:47.720 career I had, not necessarily a journalist, but she wanted 0:10:47.720 --> 0:10:49.920 a career. She wanted to travel the world, all these things. 0:10:50.400 --> 0:10:52.840 And she was born in nineteen twenty five, and so 0:10:53.640 --> 0:10:56.240 education for black women was not a thing in terms 0:10:56.240 --> 0:10:59.240 of people thinking that they should be educated or that 0:10:59.280 --> 0:11:01.840 there was value that as you know, during those times, 0:11:02.280 --> 0:11:05.240 I mean everything that a woman wanted to get financially 0:11:05.320 --> 0:11:08.120 or any upward mobility came through marriage. And so she 0:11:08.200 --> 0:11:11.160 was married three times and you know, she she had 0:11:11.280 --> 0:11:15.319 her three kids, but she was just in many ways 0:11:15.360 --> 0:11:18.280 trapped in a life she didn't feel like she chose. 0:11:18.760 --> 0:11:22.640 And UM, I think because of that, she wasn't the 0:11:22.679 --> 0:11:27.600 best parent to UM my mother and to um you know, 0:11:27.679 --> 0:11:29.640 my uncle that she she could have been. She struggled 0:11:29.640 --> 0:11:31.600 a lot that they got evicted a lot. My grandmother 0:11:31.640 --> 0:11:34.280 was a functional alcoholic. Like they they had some they 0:11:34.360 --> 0:11:38.320 had some trauma, some real issues. And so um she 0:11:38.400 --> 0:11:40.680 was a great grandmother to me and my mother would 0:11:40.720 --> 0:11:42.680 would still call her a great mother despite all the 0:11:43.160 --> 0:11:45.200 all the you know, troubles that they went through. But 0:11:45.320 --> 0:11:49.000 I just think that um my mother never got the 0:11:49.080 --> 0:11:52.040 grandparent I got right, you know. And I was asking, 0:11:52.400 --> 0:11:53.959 is there anything that you decided not to put in 0:11:54.000 --> 0:11:55.440 a book that she was like, you know, let's leave 0:11:55.480 --> 0:11:57.760 this out or I'm gonna take this out. Other family 0:11:57.760 --> 0:12:00.400 members are not gonna like this. I know, y'all like 0:12:00.480 --> 0:12:02.720 to hear the inside, y'all know, I know, people keep 0:12:02.720 --> 0:12:05.280 it real on here and the tea. There was one 0:12:05.320 --> 0:12:07.560 thing I cannot tell y'all. What it was. Me and 0:12:07.640 --> 0:12:11.480 my mother got into an enormous argument about this, and 0:12:12.520 --> 0:12:17.080 the thing is is that it was the only thing 0:12:17.120 --> 0:12:20.559 in the book. She was because she got an early copy, 0:12:20.679 --> 0:12:22.640 like an advanced reader copy where you can still edit 0:12:22.720 --> 0:12:25.440 and change things, and she was hot about it and 0:12:26.920 --> 0:12:30.400 we had it out. But the funny thing was, after 0:12:30.640 --> 0:12:33.400 our argument, she told, you know, some of her friends 0:12:33.400 --> 0:12:36.200 about it, and they told her she was tripping. And 0:12:36.880 --> 0:12:39.240 I had a time to think about it, reflect on it. 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:43.160 I talked to my husband about it. And you know, 0:12:43.200 --> 0:12:44.840 the thing, when you write a memoir, you're writing about 0:12:44.840 --> 0:12:49.040 people who really exist, and so you have to be careful, truthful, 0:12:49.160 --> 0:12:51.439 but careful, you know what I'm saying. So that's why 0:12:51.600 --> 0:12:55.120 when I talk about the abortion I had used, I 0:12:55.120 --> 0:12:57.360 did not use the person's real name because I don't 0:12:57.400 --> 0:12:59.400 know if they've told that story. I don't know if 0:12:59.720 --> 0:13:02.680 his people know or what state that's in, and I 0:13:02.679 --> 0:13:05.480 didn't want to take away that opportunity from him to 0:13:05.520 --> 0:13:08.720 tell his story his own way. So with my mother, 0:13:09.679 --> 0:13:11.920 I had to think about the fact that what is 0:13:11.920 --> 0:13:14.600 this relationship going to look like after this book? And 0:13:14.960 --> 0:13:17.640 while I didn't anticipate my mother would stopped talking to 0:13:17.679 --> 0:13:20.360 me or that. But it could be a wage issue. 0:13:20.920 --> 0:13:23.880 And this is in print, you know what I'm saying, 0:13:23.960 --> 0:13:26.920 It's forever, right, So I had to really think about 0:13:26.960 --> 0:13:28.920 do I really want to do this. I can't imagine 0:13:28.920 --> 0:13:33.599 what it could be because there's so much. I tell y'all, 0:13:33.800 --> 0:13:36.760 even look your journal, you discuss that. Yeah, oh gee man? 0:13:36.960 --> 0:13:38.760 And for parents, let me ask the guys in the room, 0:13:38.800 --> 0:13:41.439 because y'all have kids. Would you read your daughter's journal 0:13:41.480 --> 0:13:43.160 if you saw it laying around? I would tell my 0:13:43.160 --> 0:13:46.959 wife you would, really because you don't want to read it. Yeah, yeah, 0:13:46.960 --> 0:13:48.079 I don't. I don't want to read it, but I 0:13:48.120 --> 0:13:50.160 do think I probably would read it, only because I 0:13:50.679 --> 0:13:53.080 just feel like there's certain things that we should know 0:13:53.440 --> 0:13:55.360 as parents, You know what I mean. I would definitely 0:13:55.400 --> 0:13:57.880 read it. You would definitely read it because and I would. 0:13:58.040 --> 0:13:59.520 The only reason I say yes because I've gone through 0:13:59.559 --> 0:14:02.920 the phone. Oh but that's not the same though, Yes 0:14:02.960 --> 0:14:08.400 it is. I think they could not beat you some things. 0:14:08.600 --> 0:14:10.720 It could be just you. It could be just like 0:14:10.920 --> 0:14:15.079 venting something with you know, something's bothering you that you 0:14:15.120 --> 0:14:17.599 don't talk about, and you're thinking about committing suicide or 0:14:17.640 --> 0:14:21.040 hurting yourself or hurting somebody. So if I can stop that, 0:14:21.120 --> 0:14:23.280 and maybe you hate me, but hopefully you love me 0:14:23.320 --> 0:14:24.960 later because I was able to stop that. Now, if 0:14:24.960 --> 0:14:27.040 it's something else, I mind my business and act like 0:14:27.040 --> 0:14:28.440 I didn't read it. But if it's something then you 0:14:28.440 --> 0:14:31.200 could have, you know, hurt yourself or somebody else, hurt 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:33.200 a classmate. Well, how do you look at that, Jamil? 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:37.760 Obviously I disagree and I got my asswhoop because of it, Okay. 0:14:37.880 --> 0:14:40.440 And And that was the thing, is that because of 0:14:40.480 --> 0:14:44.320 all the you know, tumultuousness in our life, that I 0:14:44.400 --> 0:14:47.400 needed someplace to vent. You know, I couldn't vent to 0:14:47.480 --> 0:14:50.240 my grandmother because my grandmother then that causes friction between 0:14:50.560 --> 0:14:52.840 her and my mother. I was too embarrassed to vent 0:14:52.880 --> 0:14:55.280 to my friends and let them in on the issues. 0:14:55.440 --> 0:14:57.080 Not like I could pick a teacher, because that's a 0:14:57.120 --> 0:14:59.840 double ass whooping coming right. He didn't have therapy back then, 0:15:00.000 --> 0:15:03.320 didn't have therapy. So my journal was literally that, And 0:15:03.360 --> 0:15:06.960 so there is I think that might be. That might 0:15:07.000 --> 0:15:09.160 be that's the top three frightening moment of my life. 0:15:09.160 --> 0:15:11.160 When you come home and your mother is sitting there 0:15:11.200 --> 0:15:16.560 with your journal, opening it, reading it exactly. I mean 0:15:17.160 --> 0:15:19.320 that woman. I was like, I was like, you try 0:15:19.360 --> 0:15:21.680 to kill me my strap. When she read the advanced 0:15:21.680 --> 0:15:22.960 copy of the book, did it bring you back to 0:15:23.000 --> 0:15:26.400 that moment? Oh? Like it was triggering writing it. I 0:15:26.440 --> 0:15:28.840 was just like, okay, because that's that's the worst assholee 0:15:28.840 --> 0:15:31.000 but she ever gave me in my life, like, there's 0:15:31.040 --> 0:15:34.720 nothing that comes to it was and then she, you know, 0:15:34.800 --> 0:15:37.120 years later, she was like, you know you didn't deserve them, 0:15:37.600 --> 0:15:40.760 Well can you go back in time and can you 0:15:40.880 --> 0:15:44.280 do this? But you know it was, but she it was. 0:15:44.400 --> 0:15:46.560 It was. That was one of our actually most fun 0:15:46.600 --> 0:15:50.600 conversations because there were details of that I did not remember. 0:15:50.920 --> 0:15:52.760 And I was like, that don't really sound liking me 0:15:53.120 --> 0:15:56.680 because she told me that. Um well, one she was 0:15:56.720 --> 0:15:58.880 sitting there with my journal and then she was like, 0:15:58.960 --> 0:16:00.920 let's talk about this in a I was like, oh shit, 0:16:01.000 --> 0:16:05.920 I'm never coming back smith and she said that's when 0:16:05.920 --> 0:16:07.480 I told her that I wanted to go live with 0:16:07.520 --> 0:16:09.200 my father. I was like, what would possess me to 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:12.920 say that? You was about to get and that's why 0:16:13.080 --> 0:16:15.600 she bagged up all my ship, put it in there 0:16:16.080 --> 0:16:17.800 and took me right to his job and was like, 0:16:18.400 --> 0:16:21.120 she's all yours now, and I was like, this was 0:16:21.200 --> 0:16:24.720 a grave mistake on my part, this man. Yeah, but 0:16:24.960 --> 0:16:27.240 you know, I was able to keep a journal later 0:16:27.320 --> 0:16:30.840 as an adult, and I actually had an ex who 0:16:30.880 --> 0:16:36.320 read my journal too, And who I mean, people need 0:16:36.360 --> 0:16:39.800 to not be nosy. And I guess it's your child. 0:16:40.360 --> 0:16:45.160 I understand what they said as far as man. You 0:16:45.200 --> 0:16:48.000 know what, man, and what's your book? Um sparked a 0:16:48.080 --> 0:16:51.160 conversation that I had recently. Somebody told me a man 0:16:51.480 --> 0:16:53.520 and I was thinking about survival and like for women, 0:16:53.560 --> 0:16:55.680 and I saw like with your mom's stories of just 0:16:56.160 --> 0:17:00.360 who she was with was sometimes just for survival. You 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:03.720 can financially correct, provide and take care of things. Somebody 0:17:03.720 --> 0:17:05.359 said to me the other day, Man, I wish I 0:17:05.440 --> 0:17:07.800 had money and could handle my business. I could date 0:17:07.840 --> 0:17:10.080 who I want to date. And I thought about that 0:17:10.440 --> 0:17:13.600 because you know, you're but there's people who end up 0:17:13.600 --> 0:17:17.000 in situations where it's like, this is a good provider. 0:17:17.200 --> 0:17:19.760 I have a family, I have children, and therefore this 0:17:19.800 --> 0:17:22.520 is a smart decision for me to be with this person. 0:17:22.560 --> 0:17:25.200 And that's something your mom actually had to do also, Yeah, 0:17:25.280 --> 0:17:29.040 I mean, and she's very practical and so to her, 0:17:29.240 --> 0:17:32.080 those were the qualifications she was looking for in the 0:17:32.440 --> 0:17:36.320 being with somebody, especially at a certain stage in life, 0:17:36.359 --> 0:17:40.520 like her first marriage. My first stepfather, as I'd love 0:17:40.640 --> 0:17:43.600 to say to my mother, just rested her like step 0:17:43.640 --> 0:17:48.240 from the number one. But no, she did that one 0:17:48.240 --> 0:17:51.320 for love, right, that was like purely for love. And 0:17:51.640 --> 0:17:53.679 but I think after that, and certainly with some of 0:17:53.680 --> 0:17:57.919 the circumstances in our life, there was a practicality that 0:17:58.000 --> 0:18:00.280 she thought, you know, it didn't make sense to her 0:18:01.359 --> 0:18:03.679 to be with a man who could not provide for 0:18:03.800 --> 0:18:06.879 you financially. I mean, she's very old school in that way. 0:18:06.960 --> 0:18:11.719 And you know, even as my profile expanded, and you know, 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:14.919 she would give me dating advice, like I understand that 0:18:15.000 --> 0:18:17.479 you know, your salaries published, whether true or not. And 0:18:17.520 --> 0:18:20.119 so she was one of her biggest concerns is that 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:22.920 some man would want to be with me just because 0:18:23.320 --> 0:18:27.639 you know of my money. And you know, I told her, like, 0:18:28.000 --> 0:18:30.200 we have a totally different kind of viewpoint of those things. 0:18:30.240 --> 0:18:31.520 I was like, you know, when I get married, I 0:18:31.800 --> 0:18:33.560 want to I want to do it for love. Right. 0:18:33.880 --> 0:18:37.159 That's not to say that financial considerations are not a 0:18:37.160 --> 0:18:39.400 part of this. You know, you do have to have 0:18:39.440 --> 0:18:43.640 some common sense with it, but that can't be the provision, 0:18:43.720 --> 0:18:46.280 can't be the basis necessarily of our marriage, if that 0:18:46.320 --> 0:18:48.600 makes sense, because it's more than just financial things that 0:18:48.680 --> 0:18:52.200 you need from a person, and you know, there's emotional 0:18:52.280 --> 0:18:56.400 security that you need from that person as well, trust, nurturing, commitment, 0:18:56.440 --> 0:18:58.880 like all those other things that really don't have anything, 0:18:59.320 --> 0:19:01.119 you know, to do with money. That's what I'm always like. 0:19:01.160 --> 0:19:03.880 I always laugh because people, Um, this is obviously before 0:19:03.920 --> 0:19:06.320 I got married. They're always surprised. They were always surprised, 0:19:06.359 --> 0:19:08.800 and I wasn't, you know, dating like some athlete or 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:12.080 somebody else. I was like, that has never been That's 0:19:12.119 --> 0:19:14.199 never been my style. But that's the point, is that 0:19:14.240 --> 0:19:17.439 you are financially able to be in love because for 0:19:17.560 --> 0:19:20.720 some women, they're like, I gotta be practical, Yeah no, 0:19:20.880 --> 0:19:22.720 and get to a space financially where you're like, I 0:19:22.760 --> 0:19:24.800 could do what I want. What. It's funny though, because 0:19:24.800 --> 0:19:26.800 I wish you know, from my mother that like she 0:19:26.920 --> 0:19:30.119 was a little less practical and was more you know. 0:19:30.240 --> 0:19:33.520 That's not to say that she was incapable of the 0:19:33.600 --> 0:19:35.960 loving aspect of a relationship, but it is to say 0:19:36.040 --> 0:19:39.760 that I think, um, you know, because of so much 0:19:40.000 --> 0:19:42.639 was robbed from her. You know, from a physical standpoint, 0:19:43.040 --> 0:19:45.960 I do think it was much harder for her to 0:19:46.640 --> 0:19:51.040 really trust any man, and so to her the provision 0:19:51.080 --> 0:19:53.880 part like, Okay, this is a tangible that I can see, 0:19:53.920 --> 0:19:56.399 that I can rely on. That's why I think that 0:19:56.480 --> 0:20:00.040 had such a high importance for her. How important I 0:20:00.080 --> 0:20:01.840 think we talked about this enough. How important is picking 0:20:01.880 --> 0:20:06.040 the right partner the right meat. How important is that 0:20:06.080 --> 0:20:08.880 into breaking generational crisis? Oh? I think it's a huge 0:20:08.920 --> 0:20:12.320 part of it. I mean, listen, between my mother, my grandmother, 0:20:12.640 --> 0:20:14.840 and my great aunt who also was no longer, no 0:20:14.960 --> 0:20:18.720 longer living, they were married eight times, eight times. And 0:20:19.640 --> 0:20:22.439 you know, there were certainly some successful marriages in my family. 0:20:22.640 --> 0:20:24.840 I did not see a lot of them growing up 0:20:24.840 --> 0:20:27.919 because even the people that were together, you know, it 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:31.080