WEBVTT - No. 56: Addicted to External Validation + DOPAMINE By Any Means Necessary 0:00:00.320 --> 0:00:03.040 Hand Me My Purse is a production of iHeart Podcasts. 0:00:04.360 --> 0:00:11.720 So as I was perusing on the internet today, I 0:00:11.760 --> 0:00:16.320 saw something that said and it was old, it was 0:00:16.360 --> 0:00:18.759 posted a long time ago, but I saw something that 0:00:19.079 --> 0:00:26.560 I thought is a perfect description for like what the 0:00:26.600 --> 0:00:32.640 healing process kind of looks like in short, and it says, 0:00:33.400 --> 0:00:38.840 how do you find self love? You dig, you isolate, 0:00:39.479 --> 0:00:46.680 and you ache from being lonely, you heal, you accept, 0:00:47.040 --> 0:00:51.680 you look in the mirror and see God. And that 0:00:51.880 --> 0:01:00.520 came from an account on Instagram at Milan Dea Jean Claude, 0:01:01.600 --> 0:01:06.640 and I thought that it was beautiful and beautifully stated. 0:01:07.600 --> 0:01:13.000 And when you get to the place where you dig 0:01:14.240 --> 0:01:18.800 and you have isolated and you have ached from being lonely, 0:01:19.440 --> 0:01:23.440 and you start to heal, and you heal and you accept, 0:01:24.319 --> 0:01:26.560 and then you look in the mirror and you finally 0:01:26.600 --> 0:01:28.800 see God because you realize that God is in you. 0:01:29.520 --> 0:01:32.600 And if God is in me, please explain to me 0:01:33.280 --> 0:01:40.920 how anything is ever wrong or not perfect about me. 0:01:42.520 --> 0:02:05.280 It don't work like that. I can't see what's up, y'all. 0:02:05.320 --> 0:02:08.799 Welcome to Hand Me My Purse the podcast. I am 0:02:08.800 --> 0:02:11.160 Mimi Walker, and I will be here forever. Host each 0:02:11.320 --> 0:02:15.240 and every single time you tune into this podcast. So 0:02:15.320 --> 0:02:18.120 go ahead and get comfortable. Get yourself a glass of 0:02:18.160 --> 0:02:22.440 your favorite beverage, whether that's a glass of warm water 0:02:22.600 --> 0:02:26.760 with lemon, some tampico google it if you don't know 0:02:26.800 --> 0:02:30.000 what that is, or a glass of chardonnagg Go light 0:02:30.040 --> 0:02:33.320 yourself a candle, some incense, or burn some sage and 0:02:33.440 --> 0:02:37.400 just get ready to chill out and have a good time. 0:02:46.400 --> 0:02:49.960 What's up, friends and Ken, it's Resident Auntie Supreme here 0:02:50.080 --> 0:02:54.120 at handing my purse Mimi, And today I'm sipping on 0:02:54.160 --> 0:02:59.720 some room temperature filtered water from the sink. Yes, I 0:02:59.760 --> 0:03:02.799 have a filter on my sink. I'm not gonna say 0:03:02.800 --> 0:03:04.880 what brand it is because they're not paying for any 0:03:04.880 --> 0:03:09.640 ad space. They're not sponsoring this podcast, so I shan't say. 0:03:09.680 --> 0:03:17.000 But I'm sipping on a forty ounce of water and 0:03:17.080 --> 0:03:21.840 I'm drinking it from a dupe or a knockoff of 0:03:21.880 --> 0:03:26.440 the Stanley mug. Anyone who knows me knows that I 0:03:26.480 --> 0:03:30.200 am addicted, and I will say addicted. I am addicted 0:03:30.240 --> 0:03:36.920 to buying cups, bottles, anything that houses beverages. I'm addicted 0:03:36.960 --> 0:03:41.160 to liquid vessels that can hold liquid that you drink from. 0:03:41.480 --> 0:03:45.320 It's kind of my jam. My Starbucks cup collection is ridiculous, 0:03:45.960 --> 0:03:48.440 and I wanted to my hydro. I have so many 0:03:48.520 --> 0:03:54.720 hydro flasks, flasks, not flask. And I bought this Stanley 0:03:54.800 --> 0:03:57.400 dupe because I was gonna get the real one, but 0:03:57.440 --> 0:03:59.560 then I saw the dupes on Amazon. I was like, 0:03:59.640 --> 0:04:02.320 let me just get this. And then my little cousin 0:04:02.360 --> 0:04:05.480 Lindsay found some dupes in TJ max or Marshalls, and 0:04:05.520 --> 0:04:09.960 I just went and got one. However, I digress anyway, 0:04:10.080 --> 0:04:13.840 Like I was saying, I'm drinking water, and it's not 0:04:14.000 --> 0:04:17.919 cold water, it's not exciting water. It's just water. Because 0:04:18.320 --> 0:04:23.880 I am always on a quest to consume more quality 0:04:24.080 --> 0:04:26.640 H two O, and I don't drink enough of it. 0:04:26.720 --> 0:04:30.640 I just don't think I drink enough and I need 0:04:30.640 --> 0:04:34.800 to drink more, period. And guess what, I bet you 0:04:34.960 --> 0:04:37.920 five dollars that you need to drink more water too. 0:04:44.640 --> 0:04:48.200 So for today's jam, I dug in the crates a 0:04:48.200 --> 0:04:55.520 little bit and I chose one of my favorite songs 0:04:55.560 --> 0:04:58.760 to do car karaoke to. And it's funny. I mentioned 0:04:58.760 --> 0:05:04.839 my little cousin Lindsay because this is our jam maw 0:05:05.520 --> 0:05:08.000 okay and one day we're gonna take our act on 0:05:08.040 --> 0:05:14.560 the road. We definitely are a car karaoke duo that 0:05:14.640 --> 0:05:20.000 would win top notch awards. Shout out to my little cousin, Lindsay. 0:05:22.760 --> 0:05:26.320 But it is one of our jams and we used 0:05:26.320 --> 0:05:28.279 to sing it. She'll be twenty five this year. We 0:05:28.360 --> 0:05:30.960 used to sing it when she was in high school. 0:05:31.279 --> 0:05:35.760 I introduced her to this song and it is when 0:05:35.800 --> 0:05:37.440 I tell you, it's our jam, and it's so funny 0:05:37.480 --> 0:05:40.279 because you wouldn't expect a high school student to be 0:05:40.320 --> 0:05:44.200 singing this in the New Millennium, but you know, the 0:05:44.240 --> 0:05:47.760 girl's got good taste. So the song is by Freddie 0:05:47.839 --> 0:05:50.719 Jackson and it is called Jam Tonight. And just to 0:05:50.720 --> 0:05:54.039 give you an idea of how I come up with 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:57.360 my jams for these episodes, I have a long list 0:05:57.400 --> 0:06:02.480 of songs that are part jams, but what happens is 0:06:02.600 --> 0:06:06.280 I rarely end up using them because when I'm preparing 0:06:06.279 --> 0:06:09.880 for episodes, while I'm sitting and working, I'm usually listening 0:06:09.920 --> 0:06:13.279 to music. And if I'm listening to music, in a 0:06:13.440 --> 0:06:17.480 song you know stands out or I want to play 0:06:17.480 --> 0:06:20.400 it over again, or it's like, ooh, this is my jam. 0:06:21.080 --> 0:06:23.360 Usually it's if I repeat the song or put the 0:06:23.400 --> 0:06:25.320 song on repeat, I'm like, yeah, this is the jam 0:06:25.320 --> 0:06:28.640 for this episode. So it's really organic. It's like, you know, 0:06:28.720 --> 0:06:30.560 it speaks to me, and so I go with it. 0:06:30.960 --> 0:06:35.599 So whilst I was in Starbucks working because that seems 0:06:35.640 --> 0:06:39.840 to be my new thing, I'm listening to my music 0:06:39.880 --> 0:06:43.039 with my headphones and this comes on and I start 0:06:43.440 --> 0:06:45.360 singing and I'm like, you can't do this in a 0:06:45.400 --> 0:06:49.080 public place, Mimi, You've got to calm down, okay. And 0:06:49.160 --> 0:06:51.280 so I'm like, this has to be the jam. And 0:06:51.320 --> 0:06:54.479 so I want to tell you another reason why I 0:06:54.480 --> 0:06:56.839 love this song so much is because it's so fun. 0:06:57.760 --> 0:07:02.000 It's so fun and so happy, and essentially Freddie Jackson 0:07:02.120 --> 0:07:05.560 is just saying like, don't you want to jam to night? 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:07.240 Like don't you want to go out and have a 0:07:07.279 --> 0:07:10.480 good time? Like don't you want to have fun? And 0:07:10.560 --> 0:07:15.840 sometimes when I see people and they look sad, or 0:07:16.480 --> 0:07:20.520 I see people in there obviously in a space of 0:07:20.720 --> 0:07:25.440 misery or you know, just down or just not really 0:07:25.480 --> 0:07:28.840 in a space of gratitude or just grateful for well 0:07:28.920 --> 0:07:31.840 fuck grateful for their life. Because let's be real, like 0:07:32.560 --> 0:07:35.400 we should all be grateful, just to be breathing, but 0:07:35.600 --> 0:07:38.480 like people who are just in this constant space or 0:07:38.520 --> 0:07:40.360 even a temporary well, I'm gonna give you a break 0:07:40.400 --> 0:07:43.280 if it's temporary, but in this constant space of just 0:07:44.040 --> 0:07:46.480 negative energy, like don't you want to go have a 0:07:46.480 --> 0:07:49.640 good time? Like don't you want to do something fun? 0:07:49.720 --> 0:07:54.160 Don't you want to live a fun life? Because essentially 0:07:54.200 --> 0:07:58.000 that's what he's saying. He's like, let's go out, We're 0:07:58.000 --> 0:08:00.320 gonna go dance and teach me how to do this 0:08:00.360 --> 0:08:02.160 new dance. I'm gonna teach you how to do this 0:08:02.240 --> 0:08:05.040 new dance. And for me, it's just a fun song. 0:08:05.160 --> 0:08:08.800 And so uh the lyrics that I'm gonna read, he says, 0:08:09.680 --> 0:08:12.720 there's a new dance in town. Now, who could be 0:08:12.760 --> 0:08:16.560 sitting down? You've got to meet in time. The time 0:08:16.640 --> 0:08:28.840 must have tell you have got the beat. It's not 0:08:29.000 --> 0:08:34.319 too hard to keep once you start to jam. Oh, now, 0:08:34.360 --> 0:08:37.280 don't you want to jam tonight? Don't you want to 0:08:38.000 --> 0:08:42.280 jam tonight? It's real simple, like don't you want to 0:08:42.320 --> 0:08:44.560 jam tonight? So I want you to listen to the song. 0:08:45.760 --> 0:08:49.040 Maybe listen to it on a Saturday or when you're 0:08:49.080 --> 0:08:51.720 doing something like Saturday, because you know, most people clean 0:08:51.800 --> 0:08:55.440 up on Saturdays Saturday morning. But listen to it while 0:08:55.440 --> 0:08:58.040 you're driving, Listen to it while you're doing something that 0:08:58.080 --> 0:09:01.200 doesn't require a lot of thinking, because it's just a 0:09:01.280 --> 0:09:04.400 happy song. He's like, let's go out on the town. 0:09:04.440 --> 0:09:07.160 It's a new place to go out. This new club 0:09:07.320 --> 0:09:10.160 just opened up. Girl, Let's go out and have a 0:09:10.160 --> 0:09:13.320 good time. And so in the show notes, I'm gonna 0:09:13.320 --> 0:09:16.760 put the live version because the live version I liked that. 0:09:16.800 --> 0:09:20.040 He had a nice I think it's jakard is what 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:24.480 I could thoroughly be butchering this word. But I'm pretty 0:09:24.480 --> 0:09:28.200 sure it's called jaquard or bricard. I don't know either way. 0:09:28.440 --> 0:09:32.640 I think it's jakard jaccai if we were singing in French. 0:09:33.240 --> 0:09:35.840 But it looked like your grandma couch or your grandmama 0:09:35.920 --> 0:09:39.400 curtains from the eighties, and it's like champagne and it's 0:09:39.480 --> 0:09:43.320 like embroidery. He has this jacket on. It's very nice. 0:09:43.400 --> 0:09:45.960 I really like it a lot. I'm gonna put the 0:09:46.000 --> 0:09:48.559 live version and i'm gonna put the album version. If 0:09:48.600 --> 0:09:50.840 you guys like it. If you don't, that's none of 0:09:50.840 --> 0:09:54.400 my business, because it is the jam for this episode 0:09:54.480 --> 0:09:56.880 and it's one of my faves. And if you don't 0:09:56.920 --> 0:09:57.600 like it, that's fine. 0:09:58.160 --> 0:09:58.319 Uh. 0:09:58.520 --> 0:10:00.360 And if you don't like Freddy Jackson, I don't really 0:10:00.440 --> 0:10:02.640 know which your deal is, because he is all of 0:10:02.679 --> 0:10:04.920 the joy that we all need. So I hope you 0:10:04.920 --> 0:10:09.120 guys enjoy the jam. Let's go ahead and get this 0:10:10.160 --> 0:10:33.160 party started. Really today, friends and ken, we are going 0:10:33.240 --> 0:10:38.199 to talk about something that is plaguing our world, plaguing 0:10:38.280 --> 0:10:45.120 the universe, and really exposing people's mental unwellness. And yes, 0:10:45.240 --> 0:10:47.480 that's a word. I thought I made it up, but 0:10:47.960 --> 0:10:49.560 something told me to just go look it up, and 0:10:49.559 --> 0:10:52.800 what do you know, it's a real deal word unwellness. 0:10:52.960 --> 0:10:56.959 Here's the definition. Unwellness denotes a state of being ill, 0:10:57.800 --> 0:11:02.000 but tends to suggest a lesser degree of ailment than 0:11:02.120 --> 0:11:06.240 would be indicated by the terms illness or sickness. So 0:11:07.559 --> 0:11:10.480 that just goes to show. But I say here that 0:11:10.559 --> 0:11:12.880 I do know some things without even knowing that I 0:11:12.920 --> 0:11:18.640 know somethings. So anyway, this episode is going to possibly 0:11:18.679 --> 0:11:21.120 make a few people a little upset, but at this 0:11:21.280 --> 0:11:25.400 point we know that I am not really concerned about that. Clearly, 0:11:25.480 --> 0:11:28.840 I'm not here to offend anybody that is never my intention. 0:11:29.320 --> 0:11:32.079 It's not what I want to do. But I want 0:11:32.080 --> 0:11:36.280 to hold us all accountable, including myself, and offending people 0:11:36.400 --> 0:11:42.200 is not my focus it I'm not rude to that extent. 0:11:42.440 --> 0:11:46.760 Excuse me, nor am I concerned with being malicious or 0:11:47.000 --> 0:11:49.520 desire to just go around offending people, especially people I 0:11:49.520 --> 0:11:52.160 don't know in real life, Like it's pointless. However, some 0:11:52.200 --> 0:11:54.360 things just need to be said out right. So I 0:11:54.360 --> 0:11:57.200 was laying in bed one night and my insomnia was 0:11:57.240 --> 0:12:00.840 on a trilliawn it was on a trillion and a 0:12:00.880 --> 0:12:03.640 good friend of mine sent me a video on Instagram 0:12:04.040 --> 0:12:10.080 of a woman sitting in her car sobbing. Really, my 0:12:10.160 --> 0:12:14.079 friend and I both share a disgust for these kind 0:12:14.120 --> 0:12:19.920 of videos because I don't understand what the fuck is 0:12:19.960 --> 0:12:22.800 it about, Like why are you doing this? And it's 0:12:22.840 --> 0:12:24.840 a bit egregious, And I mean, this woman was like 0:12:24.960 --> 0:12:28.360 weeping and on top of the crying, there were words. 0:12:28.400 --> 0:12:31.120 There was a sound, right, but it wasn't the sound 0:12:31.120 --> 0:12:35.800 of her crying. She's also done a voiceover on the 0:12:35.880 --> 0:12:38.839 video about why she was crying. So it's one thing 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:42.480 to make a video of yourself sobbing with the sound 0:12:42.520 --> 0:12:47.760 of you crying and talking. It's another strategic thing to 0:12:49.240 --> 0:12:53.800 strategically ridiculous. I'll say thing to make a video of 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:57.240 you crying, not have sound of the crying, but then 0:12:57.480 --> 0:13:02.440 you doing a voiceover over the crying. The crying is 0:13:02.480 --> 0:13:07.160 silenced of course, about why you were crying. And you know, 0:13:07.840 --> 0:13:11.000 God has blessed me with a serious spirit of discernment. 0:13:11.480 --> 0:13:13.240 And it was clear to me that this woman was 0:13:13.440 --> 0:13:16.720 really like pushing this cry out of her, like she 0:13:16.840 --> 0:13:20.160 was trying to give birth, and like, you know, just 0:13:20.200 --> 0:13:22.160 to be honest, like she was just she was acting 0:13:22.520 --> 0:13:27.000 at some point and she was I'm going to give 0:13:27.000 --> 0:13:28.760 her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was sitting 0:13:28.800 --> 0:13:30.400 in her car and she was upset and she did 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:33.960 start to cry at some point and then began to record. 0:13:35.000 --> 0:13:38.240 That could be so like, maybe that happened. I could 0:13:38.240 --> 0:13:40.679 totally see that happening. But some of those tears were 0:13:40.679 --> 0:13:44.200 not organic. Now, this show is not about that woman 0:13:44.320 --> 0:13:51.080 in particular. However, it's about doing the absolute most on 0:13:51.920 --> 0:13:56.600 good sister Kiki Palmer's Internet for attention. It sends me 0:13:57.080 --> 0:14:00.480 up a freaking wall, like I don't understan stand it 0:14:01.120 --> 0:14:04.080 at the hell all. It makes no sense to me. 0:14:04.160 --> 0:14:07.920 I don't get it. Well, I get people wanting to 0:14:07.920 --> 0:14:11.000 go viral, right, but I don't get people wanting to 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:14.320 go viral. I also don't understand how people don't realize 0:14:14.360 --> 0:14:18.479 how silly it is, Like it's so ridiculous they look ridiculous. 0:14:18.960 --> 0:14:22.560 And the time you spend sitting in those behaviors and 0:14:22.600 --> 0:14:24.640 doing those things could be spent really getting to know 0:14:25.280 --> 0:14:28.240 who you actually are and not who you are pretending 0:14:28.320 --> 0:14:31.160 to be, and being a better you so that you 0:14:31.200 --> 0:14:34.880 can actually like your own damn self and not spend 0:14:34.920 --> 0:14:37.680 time trying to get millions of people who don't really 0:14:37.680 --> 0:14:39.640 give a damn about you at all to see you 0:14:39.680 --> 0:14:44.040 and like your posts. But anyway, again I digress. I 0:14:44.120 --> 0:14:50.760 want to discuss validation, in particular seeking external validation, like 0:14:51.000 --> 0:14:54.440 seeking external validation on the internet. So let's start by 0:14:54.600 --> 0:14:59.120 establishing that wanting to be validated and accepted is not 0:14:59.160 --> 0:15:01.600 a bad thing. It's a normal thing. It's a human thing, 0:15:01.680 --> 0:15:04.880 it's a human it's a natural human desire to want 0:15:04.920 --> 0:15:13.640 to be accepted and validated, valued, understood by your fellow humans. Period. However, 0:15:14.240 --> 0:15:21.720 the constant need to seek outside validation under no circumstances 0:15:22.000 --> 0:15:26.040 can that be healthy and some of us are on 0:15:26.160 --> 0:15:31.200 these internets daily looking for approval, validation, acceptance, and admiration 0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:35.560 and some emotion. So you know me, let's go on 0:15:35.560 --> 0:15:37.400 ahead and look at some of the root causes for 0:15:37.480 --> 0:15:40.560 this behavior, because we got to get to the root 0:15:40.680 --> 0:15:44.160 of it. Okay, So, as I was perusing the good 0:15:44.160 --> 0:15:47.880 internets preparing for this episode, I found something and it reads, 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:51.640 if you don't feel accepted in your real life, you 0:15:51.720 --> 0:15:57.120 might search for validation online. Sometimes online communities can really 0:15:57.160 --> 0:16:00.760 help people, and sometimes they can make us feel even 0:16:00.840 --> 0:16:06.840 more alone. I also read this adverse childhood experiences and 0:16:06.960 --> 0:16:11.800 having low self esteem may influence why we seek approval. 0:16:12.400 --> 0:16:16.240 If you have a fragile sense of self worth, it 0:16:16.280 --> 0:16:20.000 can be hard to validate your own experiences, so you 0:16:20.080 --> 0:16:24.080 may feel the need to seek approval from others. Okay. 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:29.720 Folks who tend to deal with feelings of insecurity, even 0:16:29.760 --> 0:16:32.360 if they don't overtly show it or they think that 0:16:32.440 --> 0:16:34.920 they do a good job of masking it, can and 0:16:34.960 --> 0:16:38.760 do seek out constant external validation, and ultimately they become 0:16:38.800 --> 0:16:41.960 addicted to the temporary high that they feel when they 0:16:42.080 --> 0:16:46.000 experience that false sense of validation from somewhere outside of 0:16:46.040 --> 0:16:48.960 themselves and the moment it takes away the weight of 0:16:49.000 --> 0:16:52.960 their feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, and they begin to 0:16:52.960 --> 0:16:59.440 feel like an immediate shift in their and their false 0:16:59.480 --> 0:17:03.480 sense where sense of self worth right. People who tend 0:17:03.480 --> 0:17:05.560 to deal with, or who have dealt with a lot 0:17:05.560 --> 0:17:08.560 of rejection in their life are also seeking to reverse 0:17:08.600 --> 0:17:11.680 those experiences. And to me, that is normal, as someone 0:17:11.720 --> 0:17:13.960 who has dealt with a lot of rejection and I 0:17:14.000 --> 0:17:18.320 mean rejection trauma like that, it's normal, like if you 0:17:18.960 --> 0:17:23.159 get a lot of adverse, if your trauma goes left, 0:17:23.320 --> 0:17:25.480 you want to pull it right. You want to pull 0:17:25.520 --> 0:17:27.280 a lot of right. You want to go right. I 0:17:27.320 --> 0:17:31.359 get that. Like I said before, it's human to desire 0:17:32.160 --> 0:17:36.040 to reverse your negative feelings and experiences. It's human to 0:17:36.160 --> 0:17:43.480 desire outside acceptance and admiration and validation from other people. 0:17:43.480 --> 0:17:46.480 I get that. However, we got to be realistic about 0:17:47.000 --> 0:17:50.560 how we go about doing that, because constantly looking for 0:17:50.600 --> 0:17:53.239 other people to make us feel good about ourselves and 0:17:53.280 --> 0:17:56.320 our existence, just our mere existence on this planet, it's 0:17:56.359 --> 0:17:58.800 not the answer long term, and to be quite honest, 0:17:59.119 --> 0:18:02.320 it's not sustainable. And this kind of behavior for some 0:18:02.359 --> 0:18:06.520 people can serve as a subconscious coping strategy for dealing 0:18:06.560 --> 0:18:09.480 with some serious mental health issues. And I mean, let's 0:18:09.600 --> 0:18:14.040 be honest, like it's not helping, it's not helping you 0:18:14.160 --> 0:18:17.520 at all. What in the world is that it's merely 0:18:17.840 --> 0:18:21.600 a distraction from what the real issue is that we're 0:18:21.600 --> 0:18:27.080 dealing with. It's the real it's a way to get 0:18:27.119 --> 0:18:32.000 away from what's really happening. And that's the fact that 0:18:32.160 --> 0:18:36.200 you need to get some professional help. Like I don't 0:18:36.240 --> 0:18:40.560 know how else to say it. Like, you know, if 0:18:40.600 --> 0:18:45.679 you are constantly looking for someone else to validate your beautiful, 0:18:46.560 --> 0:18:54.320 perfectly made in the eyes of God, human existence, you 0:18:54.440 --> 0:18:56.440 got to get some help to get to the root 0:18:57.119 --> 0:19:00.680 of why you are feeling this way. There are some 0:19:00.840 --> 0:19:07.040 serious mental health diagnoses that are associated with the constant 0:19:07.080 --> 0:19:10.720 need for external validation, and there are some that are 0:19:10.760 --> 0:19:13.240 not as heavy. But I am not a clinician, so 0:19:13.359 --> 0:19:15.439 I'm not going to get into that. Just get a 0:19:15.480 --> 0:19:18.600 therapist and see where you may fit on the mental 0:19:18.640 --> 0:19:23.720 health spectrum, because mental health is definitely a spectrum. It's 0:19:23.920 --> 0:19:28.880 not a monolith. All quote unquote crazy because people think 0:19:28.920 --> 0:19:32.200 that because you see a therapist or because you say, yes, 0:19:32.240 --> 0:19:34.159 I have some mental health issues I believe that we 0:19:34.400 --> 0:19:38.679 all everyone on this planet deals with mental health issues. 0:19:38.720 --> 0:19:41.240 And I think that mental health I view mental health 0:19:41.840 --> 0:19:45.160 as a spectrum and we are all somewhere on that spectrum, 0:19:45.600 --> 0:19:50.520 all of us. And I think it's important for us 0:19:50.560 --> 0:19:55.240 to address those issues when we are constantly going outside 0:19:55.280 --> 0:19:59.040 of ourselves to get the things that we need to 0:19:59.200 --> 0:20:04.479 sustain our joy, our piece, our freedom, our peace of mind, 0:20:05.200 --> 0:20:10.960 our happiness, our gratitude, being gentle and kind to ourselves. 0:20:11.160 --> 0:20:13.159 We need to go find out why we have a 0:20:13.160 --> 0:20:17.360 hard time with that period because those things should come 0:20:17.440 --> 0:20:22.880 natural for us, like realistically. And I've actually also heard 0:20:22.960 --> 0:20:27.960 of research done that states that validation from external sources 0:20:28.080 --> 0:20:30.719 can feed our dopamine. There are lots of studies that 0:20:30.720 --> 0:20:35.920 have been done about, particularly about social media and how 0:20:36.400 --> 0:20:41.080 likes and viral videos and feeling like feeling like you 0:20:41.119 --> 0:20:43.840 to men are feeling like you to shit online it 0:20:43.880 --> 0:20:47.240 feeds our need for that chemical dopamine. What is dopamine? 0:20:47.400 --> 0:20:49.640 Dopamine is the chemical that is released in our brain 0:20:49.680 --> 0:20:55.959 when we experience temporary pleasure. You know, dopamine is present 0:20:56.040 --> 0:20:59.359 in a lot of situations. I'm gonna read it again. 0:20:59.440 --> 0:21:02.240 What is dope? It's just the chemical that is released 0:21:02.240 --> 0:21:08.480 in our brain when we experience temporary pleasure. Use your imagination, friends, 0:21:09.320 --> 0:21:16.320 Dopamine is what goes off when the pleasure button is pushed. Okay, 0:21:16.760 --> 0:21:19.600 bing bang bing bing bing. That was my own little sample, 0:21:19.920 --> 0:21:22.199 bing bing bing, bing bing. That's what it sounds like 0:21:22.240 --> 0:21:25.280 when the pleasure button is pushed. I guess, bing bing 0:21:25.359 --> 0:21:30.080 bing bing bing. So, of course, anyway, think about it, Okay, 0:21:30.400 --> 0:21:33.840 when that pleasure button is pushed, we want more. You 0:21:33.880 --> 0:21:35.719 want more, You want more, more, more, more, more, more more. 0:21:35.760 --> 0:21:38.879 You know the little girl from that commercial. We really 0:21:38.960 --> 0:21:41.760 like it, so we want more, we want more. I 0:21:41.880 --> 0:21:46.480 kind of feel like with seeking that outside validation. Excuse me, 0:21:47.040 --> 0:21:50.760 there's also the desire and the need, and maybe it's 0:21:50.760 --> 0:21:55.160 a subconscious need and like I mean a strong need 0:21:55.200 --> 0:21:58.520 to feed our broken spaces, to feed the cracks inside 0:21:58.560 --> 0:22:02.760 of us that are caused by unaddressed trauma, sadness, loneliness, 0:22:03.680 --> 0:22:07.280 mental health, illness, like all those things. And when I 0:22:07.280 --> 0:22:10.879 talk about trauma, I mean all kinds of trauma, emotional trauma, 0:22:11.080 --> 0:22:16.480 sexual trauma, psychological trauma, psychological trauma. Just making sure I 0:22:16.520 --> 0:22:22.920 said that correctly, physical trauma, spiritual trauma, all the traumas, 0:22:23.080 --> 0:22:27.000 all the traumas. I am tired, and here's what I'm noticing. 0:22:27.080 --> 0:22:31.480 It sounds a lot like what people experience when they 0:22:31.560 --> 0:22:35.800 are dealing with addiction. Because let's just be real, you 0:22:35.800 --> 0:22:39.800 can be addicted to more than just cigarettes, crack pills, whiskey, 0:22:39.920 --> 0:22:46.320 lean or even sex, food, thrill seeking. Some people are 0:22:46.760 --> 0:22:50.880 addicted to risk taking, some people are addicted to money. 0:22:50.920 --> 0:22:53.320 You can be addicted to all kinds of things anything, 0:22:54.880 --> 0:22:58.640 and realistically, some of y'all are out here just straight 0:22:58.720 --> 0:23:03.040 up addicted to external valid from strangers. And if it 0:23:03.119 --> 0:23:07.640 sounds crazy, please be advised. The shit looks just as 0:23:07.720 --> 0:23:11.240 crazy as it sounds to people that are watching from 0:23:11.280 --> 0:23:12.000 the outside. 0:23:12.359 --> 0:23:17.360 Boom, ma'am, oh by, And let me just be clear, 0:23:17.440 --> 0:23:19.840 I'm not like, I'm not trying to judge nobody because 0:23:19.880 --> 0:23:22.600 I got you know, I got my shit, Like I'm 0:23:22.640 --> 0:23:27.040 never sitting up on a hill looking down judging nobody 0:23:27.040 --> 0:23:28.040 because I got some shit. 0:23:29.080 --> 0:23:32.000 Like some shit, and I'm not fully healed. I don't 0:23:32.000 --> 0:23:34.199 even believe that being fully healed is a thing. I 0:23:34.240 --> 0:23:38.879 think that healing is a journey. I do believe that 0:23:38.920 --> 0:23:41.639 there's a destination that we're all trying to get to. 0:23:41.720 --> 0:23:43.080 But the truth of the matters that we're not going 0:23:43.160 --> 0:23:47.200 to get there because you're going to forever be trying 0:23:47.240 --> 0:23:51.199 to heal whatever wounds you have inside. But I think that, 0:23:52.160 --> 0:23:54.960 you know, I want people to understand that the only 0:23:55.000 --> 0:24:01.160 way to heal us as a ashe umans, but more 0:24:01.200 --> 0:24:05.520 particularly in order for us to heal in our community, 0:24:05.600 --> 0:24:07.400 in the black community, is that we have to hold 0:24:07.400 --> 0:24:10.840 each other accountable, and we have to say shit that 0:24:11.640 --> 0:24:14.200 other people may not want to say, or other people 0:24:14.240 --> 0:24:16.600 may not want to hear. We got to say the 0:24:16.600 --> 0:24:20.240 shit that don't feel good, you know, And I'm gonna 0:24:20.240 --> 0:24:23.040 say it. That's it, And I just want you to 0:24:23.119 --> 0:24:25.480 know that I'm not saying it or I'm not coming 0:24:25.520 --> 0:24:28.479 from a place of judgment, because who am I to judge? 0:24:28.880 --> 0:24:33.200 As Andrew Caldwell says, who are me to judge? Who 0:24:33.320 --> 0:24:36.639 are me to judge? You know what I mean? I 0:24:36.680 --> 0:24:40.720 can't judge anybody because I got my own stank that 0:24:40.800 --> 0:24:43.480 I'm over here working on. So I just want to 0:24:43.520 --> 0:24:47.360 say that, and I want it to be known that 0:24:48.040 --> 0:24:52.879 I'm never I'm never showing up with an observation without 0:24:52.880 --> 0:24:59.080 a solution. People who come to the table with a 0:24:59.080 --> 0:25:05.720 lot of complaint and a lot of grumpy, negative, whiny 0:25:06.480 --> 0:25:12.919 whan why energy, particularly negative complaining energy, but never have 0:25:12.960 --> 0:25:16.439 any solutions or never have any ideas about how to 0:25:16.480 --> 0:25:19.800 get better at the thing that they're complaining about. Like, 0:25:19.840 --> 0:25:21.520 those are not the kind of people you want around you, 0:25:21.720 --> 0:25:26.879 because those people are stuck. Anyway, I just wanted to 0:25:26.920 --> 0:25:42.480 say that let's move forward. Okay, So how are we 0:25:42.600 --> 0:25:49.640 going to tackle dealing with the aforementioned feelings and with 0:25:49.720 --> 0:25:52.480 realizing that some of us could very well be addicted 0:25:52.520 --> 0:25:56.439 to external validation. First thing we need to do is 0:25:56.640 --> 0:26:01.520 going to be to examine our childhood experiences. What in 0:26:01.560 --> 0:26:04.360 the world is that we need to consider taking an 0:26:04.400 --> 0:26:08.720 inventory of the experiences of invalidation that maybe we have 0:26:08.880 --> 0:26:13.560 experienced in our lives throughout our childhood and even throughout adulthood. 0:26:13.560 --> 0:26:15.960 Because the truth of the matter is that as adults, 0:26:16.000 --> 0:26:20.359 we experience people being nasty to us. We experience rejection, 0:26:21.200 --> 0:26:24.840 oftentimes from people that we hold the dearest to our hearts, 0:26:24.880 --> 0:26:29.480 people that we love the most. We experience malicious or maltreatment, 0:26:30.920 --> 0:26:34.880 malicious treatment or maltreatment from people that we look up 0:26:34.920 --> 0:26:37.800 to or that we see in a certain light, and 0:26:38.920 --> 0:26:40.840 we have to heal those things too. Because people talk 0:26:40.880 --> 0:26:44.240 a lot about healing your childhood trauma, and I just 0:26:44.280 --> 0:26:47.879 mentioned examining your childhood experiences, but we also have to 0:26:48.240 --> 0:26:52.280 examine our adult experiences too. We can't disregard the fact 0:26:52.280 --> 0:26:55.800 that we experience trauma as adults too. And just because 0:26:55.840 --> 0:26:58.199 you're grown or you're an adult, or you pay your 0:26:58.200 --> 0:27:00.840 own bills, or you graduate from highschool or college and 0:27:00.880 --> 0:27:03.240 you got a driver's license or you got a good job, 0:27:03.280 --> 0:27:06.040 that don't mean that you don't have feelings. That doesn't 0:27:06.119 --> 0:27:10.040 negate the fact that you hurt and you feel pain 0:27:10.640 --> 0:27:15.120 and you experience trauma. So anyway, you want to ask 0:27:15.160 --> 0:27:19.080 yourself this question, did I feel invisible or like I 0:27:19.200 --> 0:27:23.640