WEBVTT - Kelly Bensimon Wants To Help You Get A Date 0:00:13.480 --> 0:00:15.480 I Do. Part two is a one of a kind 0:00:15.560 --> 0:00:19.239 experience in podcasting and love. If you didn't get love 0:00:19.560 --> 0:00:22.400 right the first time, our hosts and celebrity mentors are 0:00:22.440 --> 0:00:24.319 here to help you get it right the next time. 0:00:25.000 --> 0:00:27.840 I'm one of your celebrity mentors, Kelly ben Simone. You 0:00:27.880 --> 0:00:29.920 may know me from the Real Housewives of New York 0:00:30.200 --> 0:00:33.000 and The Ultimate Girls Trip. I have been having so 0:00:33.159 --> 0:00:36.120 much fun doing this podcast with all the incredible people 0:00:36.159 --> 0:00:39.080 on the show. It's almost like this podcast is therapy 0:00:39.120 --> 0:00:41.080 for me. So today I just want to kind of 0:00:41.080 --> 0:00:44.680 talk about what's been on my heart, my heart and 0:00:44.840 --> 0:00:47.680 on my mind. I may get a little emotional. What 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:50.360 I want you listeners to know is that you're not alone. 0:00:50.440 --> 0:00:53.880 Heartbreak sucks and I'm literally going through it just like you. 0:00:54.960 --> 0:01:00.200 So let's get started. We're going to go from heartbreak 0:01:00.240 --> 0:01:04.160 to manifesting love. And I'm so excited to do this 0:01:04.200 --> 0:01:07.399 with you guys. You know, I just want you guys 0:01:07.440 --> 0:01:11.640 to know, like really, where I've come from and who 0:01:11.640 --> 0:01:14.800 I am. So I got married at a very young age, 0:01:14.840 --> 0:01:17.039 and I was married for ten years to a man 0:01:17.120 --> 0:01:21.200 that's older and French. I have two beautiful girls and 0:01:21.240 --> 0:01:24.040 who I love so much. But it was a really difficult, 0:01:24.959 --> 0:01:31.200 difficult marriage because it was more about me being his 0:01:31.400 --> 0:01:34.800 wife and doing things for him than us being partners. 0:01:35.040 --> 0:01:39.120 And I didn't really know like what a partner meant 0:01:39.360 --> 0:01:42.080 or felt like when I was in my early twenties. 0:01:42.760 --> 0:01:46.080 And you know, you have to also remember, like I 0:01:46.120 --> 0:01:48.960 started modeling when I was fifteen, and so the men 0:01:49.000 --> 0:01:52.920 that I was meeting were guys from college, and they 0:01:52.960 --> 0:01:55.960 were all at a totally different pace in life than 0:01:55.960 --> 0:01:57.880 I was. And so when I met my ex husband, 0:01:58.360 --> 0:02:01.240 you know, he was older, he was he was sophisticated, 0:02:02.240 --> 0:02:06.320 but it was all about him, and it was really 0:02:06.360 --> 0:02:10.320 really difficult to be in a one sided relationship. And 0:02:10.639 --> 0:02:12.720 I you know, I had my first daughter, who I 0:02:12.760 --> 0:02:14.560 love so much. And by the way, I didn't even 0:02:14.560 --> 0:02:16.480 know I could have kids. Had I went to this 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:18.919 to a woman and she said, You're never going to 0:02:19.000 --> 0:02:21.000 have children, and so I never even thought that, like 0:02:21.080 --> 0:02:24.480 kids were on my radar. And I had my first child. 0:02:24.680 --> 0:02:28.120 And the minute I had my first child, what was 0:02:28.280 --> 0:02:31.520 bad before was even worse because it was just me 0:02:31.720 --> 0:02:34.720 and my daughter alone in New York while he was, 0:02:34.960 --> 0:02:37.440 you know, off his doing what he was supposed to 0:02:37.440 --> 0:02:40.480 be doing, which was great for him, but it was 0:02:40.520 --> 0:02:42.680 really really bad for me. And then I had my 0:02:42.800 --> 0:02:47.799 beautiful second child, who I love so much, and after 0:02:47.840 --> 0:02:49.760 I had her, I was like, I'm done. I can't 0:02:49.760 --> 0:02:52.399 do this anymore. But it's not like, oh I'm done, 0:02:52.440 --> 0:02:55.400 I'm finished. You know, I'm so empowered and I'm so great. 0:02:56.120 --> 0:02:58.160 It's like, this is two thousand and seven. There's no 0:02:58.240 --> 0:03:00.720 dating apps, there's no nothing. I was on my own. 0:03:00.840 --> 0:03:03.560 I was providing for my kids. I was writing at 0:03:03.560 --> 0:03:06.000 the time, I was working at all accessories. You know, 0:03:06.000 --> 0:03:09.720 I was wearing multiple hats at that time and raising 0:03:09.720 --> 0:03:14.519 two young girls. And so for me to leave a relationship, 0:03:14.840 --> 0:03:17.720 whether it was a healthy one or not healthy, it 0:03:17.760 --> 0:03:21.920 was still something that kept me safe. But I just 0:03:22.280 --> 0:03:24.600 needed to move on. And I just wanted to do 0:03:24.680 --> 0:03:27.000 something that was right for my girls and that would 0:03:27.000 --> 0:03:30.519 make help my girls be the best version of themselves. 0:03:30.639 --> 0:03:34.000 And that wasn't a sexy decision at the time. You know, 0:03:34.040 --> 0:03:36.160 people were like, oh my god, why would you like 0:03:36.520 --> 0:03:39.240 why would you like ruin something? You know, you know, 0:03:39.280 --> 0:03:41.160 you have a house, and you have kids, and you 0:03:41.200 --> 0:03:43.720 have a car, and you have you know, you're working 0:03:43.760 --> 0:03:46.680 and you're doing all these things. But it wasn't about 0:03:46.720 --> 0:03:48.360 all of those things. I mean, there were a lot 0:03:48.400 --> 0:03:50.720 of indiscretions that were happening, and there was a lot 0:03:50.760 --> 0:03:54.080 of time when I was so alone. And when you're 0:03:54.160 --> 0:03:57.480 alone a lot as a married person or just in general, 0:03:57.600 --> 0:04:01.360 I mean, you start to like really leave the stupid 0:04:01.360 --> 0:04:04.080 things that go through your head. And I was very, 0:04:04.200 --> 0:04:08.840 very insecure. I couldn't drive a car, I couldn't be alone. 0:04:09.320 --> 0:04:11.680 I had to have like my you know, people around 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:14.600 me all the time. I didn't want to hold my 0:04:14.680 --> 0:04:17.400 oldest daughter. So I had severe postpartum with my oldest 0:04:17.440 --> 0:04:20.440 and I I think it really translated to my second. 0:04:20.480 --> 0:04:22.320 So I was going through a lot of things emotionally. 0:04:22.800 --> 0:04:24.760 But the good news is that I was able to 0:04:25.200 --> 0:04:29.359 move forward and make that decision. I felt really, really 0:04:29.400 --> 0:04:31.880 good about the decision. But then when I was out 0:04:31.920 --> 0:04:36.839 in the wild, I was like, what is going on. I'm, 0:04:36.920 --> 0:04:39.599 you know, thirty seven years old. Who are these people? 0:04:39.680 --> 0:04:42.719 My dad's like, what are you doing? You're like thirty seven? Like, well, 0:04:42.760 --> 0:04:45.520 who's going to want like, you know, a woman with 0:04:45.640 --> 0:04:47.840 you know, thirty seven years old with two kids? And 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:50.320 people were like, oh, if you don't find someone tomorrow, 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:52.160 you know, you not be able to have any children, 0:04:52.279 --> 0:04:54.800 and you're going to kind of be like used goods. 0:04:56.200 --> 0:04:59.440 And again, there were no apps, there was no opportunity, 0:04:59.560 --> 0:05:01.599 and you're my friends weren't exactly like, oh my god, 0:05:01.640 --> 0:05:04.159 let me set you up with, you know, someone that 0:05:04.200 --> 0:05:07.080 would be great for you. People I think really liked 0:05:07.120 --> 0:05:11.120 watching me feel really miserable and be really really alone. 0:05:12.000 --> 0:05:13.240 I know that you guys, if some of you guys 0:05:13.240 --> 0:05:17.559 have seen my psoriasis, it was so bad, so bad 0:05:17.600 --> 0:05:21.719 that it literally like wrapped around my entire body like 0:05:21.760 --> 0:05:24.960 a snake, and I was on all these different steroids. 0:05:24.960 --> 0:05:28.120 My my elbows were bleeding. It was just like my 0:05:28.279 --> 0:05:32.480 entire was breaking down physically and mentally and emotionally. And 0:05:32.520 --> 0:05:35.880 it was a very very very difficult time. And I 0:05:35.880 --> 0:05:37.840 think that a lot of guys too, were like if 0:05:37.880 --> 0:05:39.359 they did want to date me, it was like I 0:05:39.400 --> 0:05:41.680 was kind of a trophy, even though I wasn't a 0:05:41.720 --> 0:05:45.600 trophy because I was like a mess. But they thought like, oh, well, 0:05:45.680 --> 0:05:48.320 she's she was a model, so she can you know, 0:05:48.360 --> 0:05:51.120 we can kind of figure this out. And I was 0:05:51.160 --> 0:05:53.680 just such a mess. I'm so glad that I wasn't 0:05:53.680 --> 0:05:58.680 a Trophy. But it was a really, really challenging time 0:05:58.720 --> 0:06:03.440 for me, and I just hope that nobody else has 0:06:03.480 --> 0:06:06.200 to go through something like that. I did not feel love. 0:06:06.480 --> 0:06:09.120 I did not even know what love meant. People are like, well, well, 0:06:09.120 --> 0:06:11.520 you were so in love. I'm like, well, I wore 0:06:11.560 --> 0:06:14.080 the dress he wanted me to wear, and I, you know, 0:06:14.200 --> 0:06:17.840 got married and built the life for him. But I 0:06:18.760 --> 0:06:21.840 didn't feel love and I didn't even know what being 0:06:21.880 --> 0:06:25.480 in love felt like. And to be honest with you, 0:06:25.760 --> 0:06:31.440 I have never been in love. I've never felt love. 0:06:32.800 --> 0:06:34.880 I know that I know what it's supposed to feel. 0:06:34.880 --> 0:06:37.480 It looked like, I know what looks like on social 0:06:37.520 --> 0:06:42.440 media with rose petals, but I personally have never been 0:06:42.480 --> 0:06:46.039 in love or felt what love really really feels like. 0:06:50.320 --> 0:06:54.760 I'm just getting really emotional because like, I've never articulated 0:06:54.800 --> 0:07:00.720 that before, and you know, I guess you know, the 0:07:00.760 --> 0:07:03.359 past couple of months have been very difficult for me. 0:07:03.720 --> 0:07:07.800 And it's been difficult because I don't have that outlet 0:07:07.920 --> 0:07:11.600 to go on social media and you know, cry to 0:07:11.640 --> 0:07:15.360 people and show like how I'm feeling. I you know, 0:07:15.520 --> 0:07:18.760 try to mask it so because I don't want people 0:07:18.800 --> 0:07:22.760 to you know, be afraid of, you know, running away 0:07:22.760 --> 0:07:26.040 from something they didn't want. And I think it's really 0:07:26.040 --> 0:07:29.280 difficult for me, you know, even though you know, I 0:07:29.320 --> 0:07:32.000 was with him for ten years, but I stayed with 0:07:32.080 --> 0:07:34.040 him because I thought it was the right thing to do, 0:07:34.680 --> 0:07:38.280 and it was so harmful to me and to like 0:07:38.400 --> 0:07:41.600 my mental health that when I was like started to 0:07:41.640 --> 0:07:45.080 even date, and at you know, thirty seven, which is 0:07:45.120 --> 0:07:50.280 not young by the way, I had such like arrested development. 0:07:50.400 --> 0:07:53.800 I didn't even know like who I was. I would 0:07:54.280 --> 0:07:56.520 date a guy and if I didn't like it, I 0:07:56.720 --> 0:08:02.360 just was like dump him. I was completely unavailable. I 0:08:02.680 --> 0:08:09.320 chose men that were wildly abusive verbally, physically. I guess 0:08:09.480 --> 0:08:12.080 maybe that's also you know, I when I was very 0:08:12.200 --> 0:08:16.360 very young, in like literally in you know, like six 0:08:16.480 --> 0:08:20.480 years old, I was abused at my school by another classmate, 0:08:21.160 --> 0:08:28.040 and I always felt so dirty about sex and having 0:08:28.480 --> 0:08:31.320 that those kind of you know, being touched like that. 0:08:32.280 --> 0:08:35.120 And then later on in life, when you're supposed to 0:08:35.160 --> 0:08:37.680 feel loved and everyone's like, oh, you guys are so 0:08:37.760 --> 0:08:39.640 in love and you have this perfect family and you're 0:08:39.640 --> 0:08:41.240 supposed to be doing all these things, and they were 0:08:41.559 --> 0:08:44.760 there was no perfection perfection is just a it's just 0:08:44.840 --> 0:08:48.000 a word people try to use so that it masks like, 0:08:48.559 --> 0:08:51.840 you know, all the imperfection, and people don't people either. 0:08:51.840 --> 0:08:53.840 They want to commiserate with you, like, oh my god, 0:08:53.880 --> 0:08:56.760 yeah that really happened to me, but they don't want 0:08:56.760 --> 0:08:59.840 to hear your bad news. They just don't like they 0:08:59.840 --> 0:09:02.040 have their own bad news, whether you know. And I 0:09:02.240 --> 0:09:06.600 just felt very very very alone and very very lonely. 0:09:07.360 --> 0:09:10.679 So over the years, I've had a handful of boyfriends, 0:09:11.600 --> 0:09:14.600 and I mean, I can't you can't even call them 0:09:14.679 --> 0:09:17.800 boyfriends because I mean they were dating me. I definitely 0:09:17.840 --> 0:09:21.280 was not dating them. I had no interest in dating 0:09:21.320 --> 0:09:26.800 them zero. I was so laser focused on providing for 0:09:26.880 --> 0:09:31.400 my girls and making sure that they had what they 0:09:31.480 --> 0:09:35.560 needed in terms of education and in terms of upbringing 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:37.760 that I thought was the right thing to do for them, 0:09:37.760 --> 0:09:40.360 that I was so laser focused on making money, making 0:09:40.720 --> 0:09:44.280 making whatever it took for them that if there was 0:09:44.320 --> 0:09:46.640 a guy that was a nice guy or not a 0:09:46.679 --> 0:09:50.520 guy's de guy, I didn't even notice him, had no 0:09:50.520 --> 0:09:53.440 no interest, would fake and tell them I love them. 0:09:53.520 --> 0:09:57.800 I didn't love them. I would, you know, pretend that 0:09:57.960 --> 0:10:01.000 we were like boyfriend and girlfriend when I could not 0:10:01.040 --> 0:10:04.760 have cared less what they did. I would say like, oh, 0:10:04.800 --> 0:10:06.559 you have to go on a trip, okay, great, call 0:10:06.600 --> 0:10:10.000 me when you're done. Like never even call them or 0:10:10.200 --> 0:10:14.160 you know, ask how they were just completely unavailable and 0:10:14.280 --> 0:10:16.120 the irony of it. They were all thought that I 0:10:16.200 --> 0:10:18.760 was like so into them and that I was just 0:10:18.800 --> 0:10:22.200 super hard to get to, super cold, so that they 0:10:22.240 --> 0:10:24.760 couldn't you know, get into me. But I just wasn't 0:10:24.800 --> 0:10:30.640 available at all, and I was miserable, totally totally miserable. 0:10:30.679 --> 0:10:35.360 I would have sex how many whatever I wanted to why, 0:10:35.600 --> 0:10:39.920 you know, just because like not even like caring about 0:10:39.960 --> 0:10:42.800 who they were or about their feelings. It's not like 0:10:42.840 --> 0:10:44.880 I was having sex with random people. But I would 0:10:45.080 --> 0:10:47.560 pick guys and I would date them, and knowing that 0:10:47.600 --> 0:10:50.000 they were the wrong people. I mean, if they had 0:10:50.160 --> 0:10:55.240 drug issues and whatever they were doing, I didn't care 0:10:55.280 --> 0:10:57.360 because I was like, I'll find something great about them 0:10:57.360 --> 0:10:59.200 so I can just you know, have sex with them, 0:10:59.240 --> 0:11:03.240 and they're unavailable. And it was just a very dark, dark, 0:11:03.400 --> 0:11:09.480 dark dark time. And you know, at the same time, 0:11:09.679 --> 0:11:13.240 I'm at home crying in my closet, like I want love, 0:11:13.480 --> 0:11:16.240 I want to feel love. What does love feel like? 0:11:17.320 --> 0:11:22.160 And so it was just like very strong juxtaposition of 0:11:22.280 --> 0:11:25.480 feelings where you're putting something out there that is so 0:11:25.640 --> 0:11:29.920 negative and you're at home desperate for something that's so positive. 0:11:31.040 --> 0:11:35.240 And it was just a very it was it was 0:11:35.280 --> 0:11:37.880 a very you know, difficult time. And then I was 0:11:37.920 --> 0:11:40.520 on television and I had guys that would try and 0:11:40.520 --> 0:11:43.840 they would be like, oh, I dated a hub's wife, 0:11:44.040 --> 0:11:47.120 and you know, sometimes I would be like, Okay, maybe 0:11:47.160 --> 0:11:50.040 I should just date them to date them, I mean, 0:11:50.200 --> 0:11:52.280 dating some guy that wanted to date someone that was 0:11:52.320 --> 0:11:55.319 on a TV show. Like how pathetic is that? And 0:11:55.400 --> 0:11:58.600 like imagine my sense of like my self esteem was 0:11:58.679 --> 0:12:02.520 a zero. And then I was engaged to my most 0:12:02.600 --> 0:12:10.319 recent ex who really really wanted to marry me, and uh, 0:12:12.040 --> 0:12:15.679 I just wasn't available for him either. You know. I 0:12:16.280 --> 0:12:20.080 was happy for him and his success, but I didn't 0:12:20.120 --> 0:12:23.440 really care about anything that happened with what he was 0:12:23.480 --> 0:12:26.400 doing or his family. I didn't want to like be 0:12:26.480 --> 0:12:29.839 a part of his kids. I didn't want to hear 0:12:29.880 --> 0:12:32.120 about his you know, that part of his life. It 0:12:32.200 --> 0:12:39.160 just has zero interest. And now that I reflect back 0:12:39.200 --> 0:12:42.960 on that, I just, you know, it's not fair to 0:12:43.000 --> 0:12:46.240 be with someone who's emotionally unavailable. It's just not fair. 0:12:46.800 --> 0:12:49.960 It's just not fair. And you know, whether he's a 0:12:50.040 --> 0:12:54.440 superman or whether he's Clark Kent, he just wasn't my man. 0:12:55.640 --> 0:13:02.840 And I'm just I'm just excited to meet my man, 0:13:03.840 --> 0:13:06.040 Like what does he look like? What does he smell like? 0:13:06.040 --> 0:13:09.280 What does he feel like? Like? I want I can't 0:13:09.400 --> 0:13:12.319 wait to meet someone that I just want to tell 0:13:12.360 --> 0:13:15.280 the whole world like I've never been like I have 0:13:15.320 --> 0:13:20.560 a boyfriend. And it's you know, when you're like in 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:22.920 the you know, in papers and people are like, are 0:13:22.960 --> 0:13:24.640 you dating? And they'd ask me, are you dating Andy? 0:13:24.640 --> 0:13:26.800 They want I'd be like, no, no, I was dating 0:13:26.800 --> 0:13:29.000 all these different guys. I was saying, no, no, I'm 0:13:29.000 --> 0:13:33.320 not dating anyone, lying, lying like crazy. Didn't want anyone 0:13:33.360 --> 0:13:37.679 to know what I was doing, because I, first of all, 0:13:37.920 --> 0:13:39.400 was none of their business. But second of all, I 0:13:39.440 --> 0:13:41.640 didn't want anyone to know if I was dating someone. 0:13:41.679 --> 0:13:45.559 If I wasn't not embarrassed by them, but just humiliated 0:13:45.600 --> 0:13:51.240 by my own self. And you know, it's ironic because 0:13:51.240 --> 0:13:52.680 I have this, you know, I was raised with a 0:13:52.679 --> 0:13:57.480 twin brother, so I had this amazing twin brother who 0:13:58.040 --> 0:14:01.640 I used to fight with, argue with. You know, we'd 0:14:01.679 --> 0:14:05.520 have so much fun with do stupid things, watch sports 0:14:05.559 --> 0:14:08.440 with him, do all these things. And so I know 0:14:08.640 --> 0:14:12.439 what it's like to have a gem. He's my brother. 0:14:13.000 --> 0:14:14.720 But I know what it's like to be around a 0:14:14.760 --> 0:14:18.160 male who's amazing and who's fun and exciting and interesting 0:14:18.200 --> 0:14:21.120 and engaging, and he has a beautiful wife an amazing kid. 0:14:21.200 --> 0:14:25.440 So I know what that looks like. I just didn't 0:14:25.520 --> 0:14:29.520 want it for myself. For some reason, I just was like, 0:14:30.000 --> 0:14:33.840 I don't deserve that. And maybe the guys that I 0:14:33.880 --> 0:14:38.880 was dating or that I was choosing just made that 0:14:38.960 --> 0:14:44.960 even more real because they they didn't deserve me, and 0:14:45.000 --> 0:14:47.280 I didn't even deserve them. I mean, they could have 0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:49.760 been the worst men on the planet, but they still 0:14:49.760 --> 0:14:51.920 were a lot better than how I was treating myself. 0:15:02.040 --> 0:15:05.160 So when I called off my engagement four days before 0:15:05.200 --> 0:15:07.440 the wedding, there was like this, there was like a 0:15:07.480 --> 0:15:11.600 lot of mixed emotions. She wouldn't she know she'd broke 0:15:11.680 --> 0:15:13.960 up and then because of money it's all about money, 0:15:14.640 --> 0:15:17.920 or she's not you know, no, oh he dodged a 0:15:17.960 --> 0:15:22.840 bullet because she's so crazy, or you know all these awful, 0:15:22.960 --> 0:15:27.760 awful things, and when you're you know, in the public eye, 0:15:28.560 --> 0:15:32.400 you know you have a responsibility, and you know. I 0:15:32.440 --> 0:15:36.480 wanted to say, like I'm feeling like shit, I'm feeling awful, 0:15:36.600 --> 0:15:44.160 I'm feeling so humiliated, I'm so humiliated, and that I 0:15:44.240 --> 0:15:48.720 couldn't like figure out like who to be with, or 0:15:48.960 --> 0:15:51.640 that I didn't say to him before, this is not working. 0:15:51.680 --> 0:15:54.040 This is not right. I do not want this. And 0:15:54.080 --> 0:15:55.840 that's not that I didn't want this because I was 0:15:55.920 --> 0:15:59.520 running away again in like the newest sneakers so I 0:15:59.520 --> 0:16:02.360 could get was as fast as possible. It's not like 0:16:02.480 --> 0:16:05.560 running away. I just I knew for myself that he 0:16:05.640 --> 0:16:08.920 wasn't the right person a long long time ago, and 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:12.720 I should have had the confidence to sit him down 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:17.480 and say, or just the decency to say, this is 0:16:17.520 --> 0:16:20.440 not working. And not for the reasons that you think, 0:16:20.720 --> 0:16:26.000 but because I'm not ready. I'm not ready. So again, 0:16:26.200 --> 0:16:29.400 like you know, here's a laundry list of all these 0:16:29.440 --> 0:16:35.320 different guys, drugs, infidelity, cheating, like you name it, the 0:16:35.920 --> 0:16:38.640 worst of the worst. I was like, oh, I'll date him. 0:16:39.320 --> 0:16:43.480 I'll date that guy that sounds great, making excuses, but 0:16:43.640 --> 0:16:46.440 like who wants someone like that, And even if on 0:16:46.560 --> 0:16:50.200 paper they looked like they were incredible, they were single 0:16:50.280 --> 0:16:53.360 for a reason and so was I because we're both 0:16:53.600 --> 0:16:57.240 like totally. All these men that I was dating were 0:16:57.560 --> 0:17:04.000 just as unavailable as I was hiding all these issues, porn, 0:17:04.440 --> 0:17:10.600 like all this crap, and it was really awful. And 0:17:10.640 --> 0:17:14.680 I just when I remember what I remember a year ago, 0:17:14.760 --> 0:17:17.119 and I just was like, I cannot do this anymore. 0:17:17.240 --> 0:17:20.239 There were situations that were happening with his children, and 0:17:20.320 --> 0:17:22.840 I just was like, I am not ready for any 0:17:22.880 --> 0:17:25.640 of this and I can't do this. And instead of 0:17:25.680 --> 0:17:28.399 being an adult and in the room, because you know, 0:17:28.440 --> 0:17:30.080 I always talk about being the adult in the room. 0:17:30.440 --> 0:17:33.840 I always talk about like, oh, finally there's an adult 0:17:33.840 --> 0:17:36.720 in the room. I'm up here, you're down there. You know, 0:17:37.000 --> 0:17:39.119 you know I always know the right thing to say. 0:17:40.240 --> 0:17:41.919 I don't know the right thing to say. I just 0:17:42.080 --> 0:17:45.919 say that because that sounds good, because it sounds like 0:17:46.000 --> 0:17:49.560 something that someone like me would say. That's not the 0:17:49.640 --> 0:17:53.840 right thing to say, it's not. You have to be 0:17:53.880 --> 0:17:57.800 honest with people and say to them, first to yourself, 0:17:57.840 --> 0:17:59.640 forget them, like you're not you don't need, you don't 0:17:59.680 --> 0:18:03.800 owe anyone anything, by the way, So the first thing 0:18:03.840 --> 0:18:07.879 that you need to tell yourself is here are the 0:18:08.080 --> 0:18:11.240 here the non starters. Here are the things you cannot 0:18:11.840 --> 0:18:15.400 put up with. And that's not like, well, Kelly, when 0:18:15.440 --> 0:18:17.680 you're like dating, you're gonna have to be a little 0:18:17.760 --> 0:18:22.880 more open because like everybody's got their flaws. So I've 0:18:22.920 --> 0:18:25.800 recently started dating again since I called off my wedding, 0:18:26.720 --> 0:18:33.000 and not because I'm bored, but because I have been 0:18:33.080 --> 0:18:39.320 going to therapy and because I started this podcast and 0:18:40.320 --> 0:18:45.400 listening to all these different mentors and people talk about 0:18:45.440 --> 0:18:50.520 their different stories made me feel safe. So I was like, hey, 0:18:50.720 --> 0:18:54.200 you know what, like someone's been married four times. People 0:18:54.240 --> 0:18:56.679 have there you know, like I'll never forget TJ with 0:18:56.800 --> 0:19:00.080 like there's eight divorces in this room, And I was like, 0:19:00.119 --> 0:19:05.000 what eight, That's just a crazy number. And I just 0:19:05.040 --> 0:19:08.399 started to feel safe about what I wanted for my 0:19:08.480 --> 0:19:12.280 own self. And so I have an amazing therapist and 0:19:12.320 --> 0:19:15.840 we've been talking through and walking through what are the 0:19:15.880 --> 0:19:18.159 things that are non starters for me? And if I 0:19:18.240 --> 0:19:21.119 am going to go on a date, what am I 0:19:21.200 --> 0:19:24.399 going to bring to the table? Not him, but what 0:19:24.440 --> 0:19:25.879 am I going to bring to the table? First of all, 0:19:25.880 --> 0:19:27.520 I'm going to bring to the table things I will 0:19:27.560 --> 0:19:33.240 not put up with, and those are things like no cheating, 0:19:34.200 --> 0:19:39.960 no lying, no violence, no emotional abuse, no sexual abuse, 0:19:40.640 --> 0:19:44.360 no any kind of anything that makes me feel bad. 0:19:44.400 --> 0:19:47.879 If you don't make me feel good about feeling good, 0:19:48.800 --> 0:19:53.200 you're out. And you can tell that about a person immediately. 0:19:53.800 --> 0:19:55.480 You don't need to talk to them, you don't need 0:19:55.520 --> 0:19:58.400 to ask them about their last relationship. All you need 0:19:58.440 --> 0:20:01.520 to do is give them a couple of seconds to say, 0:20:02.520 --> 0:20:04.720 how are you? Or you're just kind of talk, you know, 0:20:04.760 --> 0:20:07.000 you're just kind of how they introduce themselves, and you'll 0:20:07.000 --> 0:20:10.600 know immediately if it's about them or if it's about 0:20:10.640 --> 0:20:14.440 you guys. And that was something I needed to learn 0:20:14.560 --> 0:20:18.080 that it's a wee. It's not like I'm going to 0:20:18.240 --> 0:20:20.760 lure this guy. I'm going to show him how pretty 0:20:20.800 --> 0:20:23.440 I am and funny I am and smart I am. 0:20:23.840 --> 0:20:27.879 Now you want I needed to I need to be 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:32.080 and I'm going to be open. I'm going to be 0:20:32.160 --> 0:20:36.040 more relaxed, maybe in my body language, maybe the way 0:20:36.040 --> 0:20:40.480 that I dress, just everything about me is going to 0:20:40.560 --> 0:20:47.480 be different because it's on my terms now and all 0:20:47.520 --> 0:20:50.359 those things that I said before the cheating, the line, 0:20:50.400 --> 0:20:54.400 the vines, all of those things are just absolutely unacceptable 0:20:55.880 --> 0:21:00.879 and so run away from all of that, run fast sprint. 0:21:01.600 --> 0:21:06.720 So no more abuse of drugs or alcohol, no more anger, 0:21:08.800 --> 0:21:12.720 no more fixing men, no more Oh I see the 0:21:12.760 --> 0:21:15.600 potential in him, I just see so much in him. 0:21:16.200 --> 0:21:21.680 If he's not there, he's not ready. No more dating 0:21:21.840 --> 0:21:23.800 someone that doesn't want to have a future with me, 0:21:23.920 --> 0:21:26.639 no one. No more dating someone's that's not saying, oh 0:21:26.720 --> 0:21:29.600 my god, I would love to do this on Halloween, 0:21:29.760 --> 0:21:32.400 or making plans in the future, whether it's like going 0:21:32.440 --> 0:21:35.399 to the movies, doesn't need to be you know, some 0:21:35.720 --> 0:21:38.800 wild thing. It needs to be something a tomorrow thing. 0:21:38.840 --> 0:21:40.119 Oh I would like to get a coffee with you. 0:21:40.119 --> 0:21:44.439 I'm going to meet you. Those kind of things. Not 0:21:44.480 --> 0:21:46.040 going to go on a date with someone who doesn't 0:21:46.080 --> 0:21:49.399 understand my kids because they're my number one priority and 0:21:49.440 --> 0:21:53.639 they will always be. So that's like an absolute no. 0:21:54.800 --> 0:21:58.639 And no more self sabotaging my relationships. So, like I said, 0:21:58.720 --> 0:22:01.560 being more relaxed, and when I go on a date, 0:22:02.440 --> 0:22:05.400 not being feeling like I have to get dressed up 0:22:05.840 --> 0:22:10.000 or put on any pretenses. You're around more single people 0:22:10.080 --> 0:22:12.560 and Everybody starts talking about being single and what single 0:22:12.560 --> 0:22:15.280 looks like, but they don't talk about what single feels like. 0:22:16.359 --> 0:22:21.679 So there's no connectivity. There's no spending time with people, 0:22:22.240 --> 0:22:28.520 there's no back and forth, there's no h how is 0:22:28.560 --> 0:22:31.040 your day like? Not like how was your day like? 0:22:31.080 --> 0:22:33.919 How was your day like? How was your day like? 0:22:34.400 --> 0:22:36.360 How is that meeting that you had? How did that go? 0:22:37.240 --> 0:22:39.119 Did we did you know? What did you say in 0:22:39.160 --> 0:22:42.040 that meeting? Did you feel good about it? You know, 0:22:42.440 --> 0:22:45.560 life is about these small little moments, and when you're 0:22:45.640 --> 0:22:49.160 single and by yourself, it's not that it sucks, it's 0:22:49.200 --> 0:22:52.320 just it's just these moments that you're having these memories 0:22:52.359 --> 0:22:57.879 by yourself. And I'm not judging anyone for wanting to 0:22:57.920 --> 0:23:01.000 be by themselves or for enjoying their own personal company, 0:23:01.040 --> 0:23:03.679 because I think that's amazing. I personally am not that person. 0:23:04.080 --> 0:23:07.200 I don't enjoy being by myself. I don't enjoy myself. 0:23:07.560 --> 0:23:10.080 I don't enjoy being by myself. So for me, being 0:23:10.119 --> 0:23:13.680 single is the worst thing. You know. I remember thinking 0:23:13.680 --> 0:23:15.800 to myself, Oh my god, my kids go away. What 0:23:15.840 --> 0:23:18.280 am I going to do? Like I'd always be like, oh, 0:23:18.280 --> 0:23:19.280 I have to go home for the kids. I have 0:23:19.320 --> 0:23:21.399 to go home, my kids, my kids, my kids, and 0:23:21.480 --> 0:23:24.960 I was like, what happens? I mean, fortunately for COVID, 0:23:25.000 --> 0:23:28.480 I would have been by myself four years ago, just 0:23:28.640 --> 0:23:32.600 alone by myself. And it's not like I'm just one 0:23:32.600 --> 0:23:34.639 of these kind of people that's like walking down the 0:23:34.640 --> 0:23:38.040 street like winking at people a hay tiger, Like I'm 0:23:38.080 --> 0:23:41.600 not that person. I'm so introverted and so I'm so 0:23:41.840 --> 0:23:43.800 like frightened to people and like, oh my god, they're 0:23:43.800 --> 0:23:46.439 probably saying something about me, and I'm just so insecure 0:23:46.560 --> 0:23:50.960 that I'm so afraid that they are, you know, looking 0:23:51.000 --> 0:23:54.080 at me poorly or being like, oh she's awful or 0:23:54.240 --> 0:23:57.080