1 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,480 Speaker 1: I Do. Part two is a one of a kind 2 00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:19,239 Speaker 1: experience in podcasting and love. If you didn't get love 3 00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:22,400 Speaker 1: right the first time, our hosts and celebrity mentors are 4 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:24,319 Speaker 1: here to help you get it right the next time. 5 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,840 Speaker 1: I'm one of your celebrity mentors, Kelly ben Simone. You 6 00:00:27,880 --> 00:00:29,920 Speaker 1: may know me from the Real Housewives of New York 7 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:33,000 Speaker 1: and The Ultimate Girls Trip. I have been having so 8 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:36,120 Speaker 1: much fun doing this podcast with all the incredible people 9 00:00:36,159 --> 00:00:39,080 Speaker 1: on the show. It's almost like this podcast is therapy 10 00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:41,080 Speaker 1: for me. So today I just want to kind of 11 00:00:41,080 --> 00:00:44,680 Speaker 1: talk about what's been on my heart, my heart and 12 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:47,680 Speaker 1: on my mind. I may get a little emotional. What 13 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:50,360 Speaker 1: I want you listeners to know is that you're not alone. 14 00:00:50,440 --> 00:00:53,880 Speaker 1: Heartbreak sucks and I'm literally going through it just like you. 15 00:00:54,960 --> 00:01:00,200 Speaker 1: So let's get started. We're going to go from heartbreak 16 00:01:00,240 --> 00:01:04,160 Speaker 1: to manifesting love. And I'm so excited to do this 17 00:01:04,200 --> 00:01:07,399 Speaker 1: with you guys. You know, I just want you guys 18 00:01:07,440 --> 00:01:11,640 Speaker 1: to know, like really, where I've come from and who 19 00:01:11,640 --> 00:01:14,800 Speaker 1: I am. So I got married at a very young age, 20 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:17,039 Speaker 1: and I was married for ten years to a man 21 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:21,200 Speaker 1: that's older and French. I have two beautiful girls and 22 00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:24,040 Speaker 1: who I love so much. But it was a really difficult, 23 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:31,200 Speaker 1: difficult marriage because it was more about me being his 24 00:01:31,400 --> 00:01:34,800 Speaker 1: wife and doing things for him than us being partners. 25 00:01:35,040 --> 00:01:39,120 Speaker 1: And I didn't really know like what a partner meant 26 00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:42,080 Speaker 1: or felt like when I was in my early twenties. 27 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:46,080 Speaker 1: And you know, you have to also remember, like I 28 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,960 Speaker 1: started modeling when I was fifteen, and so the men 29 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,920 Speaker 1: that I was meeting were guys from college, and they 30 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:55,960 Speaker 1: were all at a totally different pace in life than 31 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,880 Speaker 1: I was. And so when I met my ex husband, 32 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:01,240 Speaker 1: you know, he was older, he was he was sophisticated, 33 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,320 Speaker 1: but it was all about him, and it was really 34 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,320 Speaker 1: really difficult to be in a one sided relationship. And 35 00:02:10,639 --> 00:02:12,720 Speaker 1: I you know, I had my first daughter, who I 36 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 1: love so much. And by the way, I didn't even 37 00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:16,480 Speaker 1: know I could have kids. Had I went to this 38 00:02:17,639 --> 00:02:18,919 Speaker 1: to a woman and she said, You're never going to 39 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,000 Speaker 1: have children, and so I never even thought that, like 40 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:24,480 Speaker 1: kids were on my radar. And I had my first child. 41 00:02:24,680 --> 00:02:28,120 Speaker 1: And the minute I had my first child, what was 42 00:02:28,280 --> 00:02:31,520 Speaker 1: bad before was even worse because it was just me 43 00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:34,720 Speaker 1: and my daughter alone in New York while he was, 44 00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:37,440 Speaker 1: you know, off his doing what he was supposed to 45 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,480 Speaker 1: be doing, which was great for him, but it was 46 00:02:40,520 --> 00:02:42,680 Speaker 1: really really bad for me. And then I had my 47 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:47,799 Speaker 1: beautiful second child, who I love so much, and after 48 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:49,760 Speaker 1: I had her, I was like, I'm done. I can't 49 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:52,399 Speaker 1: do this anymore. But it's not like, oh I'm done, 50 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:55,400 Speaker 1: I'm finished. You know, I'm so empowered and I'm so great. 51 00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,160 Speaker 1: It's like, this is two thousand and seven. There's no 52 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,720 Speaker 1: dating apps, there's no nothing. I was on my own. 53 00:03:00,840 --> 00:03:03,560 Speaker 1: I was providing for my kids. I was writing at 54 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:06,000 Speaker 1: the time, I was working at all accessories. You know, 55 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:09,720 Speaker 1: I was wearing multiple hats at that time and raising 56 00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:14,519 Speaker 1: two young girls. And so for me to leave a relationship, 57 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,720 Speaker 1: whether it was a healthy one or not healthy, it 58 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:21,920 Speaker 1: was still something that kept me safe. But I just 59 00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:24,600 Speaker 1: needed to move on. And I just wanted to do 60 00:03:24,680 --> 00:03:27,000 Speaker 1: something that was right for my girls and that would 61 00:03:27,000 --> 00:03:30,519 Speaker 1: make help my girls be the best version of themselves. 62 00:03:30,639 --> 00:03:34,000 Speaker 1: And that wasn't a sexy decision at the time. You know, 63 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,160 Speaker 1: people were like, oh my god, why would you like 64 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,240 Speaker 1: why would you like ruin something? You know, you know, 65 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,160 Speaker 1: you have a house, and you have kids, and you 66 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,720 Speaker 1: have a car, and you have you know, you're working 67 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:46,680 Speaker 1: and you're doing all these things. But it wasn't about 68 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,360 Speaker 1: all of those things. I mean, there were a lot 69 00:03:48,400 --> 00:03:50,720 Speaker 1: of indiscretions that were happening, and there was a lot 70 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:54,080 Speaker 1: of time when I was so alone. And when you're 71 00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:57,480 Speaker 1: alone a lot as a married person or just in general, 72 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,360 Speaker 1: I mean, you start to like really leave the stupid 73 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:04,080 Speaker 1: things that go through your head. And I was very, 74 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:08,840 Speaker 1: very insecure. I couldn't drive a car, I couldn't be alone. 75 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,680 Speaker 1: I had to have like my you know, people around 76 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,600 Speaker 1: me all the time. I didn't want to hold my 77 00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:17,400 Speaker 1: oldest daughter. So I had severe postpartum with my oldest 78 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:20,440 Speaker 1: and I I think it really translated to my second. 79 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:22,320 Speaker 1: So I was going through a lot of things emotionally. 80 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,760 Speaker 1: But the good news is that I was able to 81 00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:29,359 Speaker 1: move forward and make that decision. I felt really, really 82 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:31,880 Speaker 1: good about the decision. But then when I was out 83 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:36,839 Speaker 1: in the wild, I was like, what is going on. I'm, 84 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:39,599 Speaker 1: you know, thirty seven years old. Who are these people? 85 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:42,719 Speaker 1: My dad's like, what are you doing? You're like thirty seven? Like, well, 86 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,520 Speaker 1: who's going to want like, you know, a woman with 87 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:47,840 Speaker 1: you know, thirty seven years old with two kids? And 88 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,320 Speaker 1: people were like, oh, if you don't find someone tomorrow, 89 00:04:50,600 --> 00:04:52,160 Speaker 1: you know, you not be able to have any children, 90 00:04:52,279 --> 00:04:54,800 Speaker 1: and you're going to kind of be like used goods. 91 00:04:56,200 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 1: And again, there were no apps, there was no opportunity, 92 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,599 Speaker 1: and you're my friends weren't exactly like, oh my god, 93 00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,159 Speaker 1: let me set you up with, you know, someone that 94 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,080 Speaker 1: would be great for you. People I think really liked 95 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:11,120 Speaker 1: watching me feel really miserable and be really really alone. 96 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 1: I know that you guys, if some of you guys 97 00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:17,559 Speaker 1: have seen my psoriasis, it was so bad, so bad 98 00:05:17,600 --> 00:05:21,719 Speaker 1: that it literally like wrapped around my entire body like 99 00:05:21,760 --> 00:05:24,960 Speaker 1: a snake, and I was on all these different steroids. 100 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,120 Speaker 1: My my elbows were bleeding. It was just like my 101 00:05:28,279 --> 00:05:32,480 Speaker 1: entire was breaking down physically and mentally and emotionally. And 102 00:05:32,520 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: it was a very very very difficult time. And I 103 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,840 Speaker 1: think that a lot of guys too, were like if 104 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,359 Speaker 1: they did want to date me, it was like I 105 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,680 Speaker 1: was kind of a trophy, even though I wasn't a 106 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,600 Speaker 1: trophy because I was like a mess. But they thought like, oh, well, 107 00:05:45,680 --> 00:05:48,320 Speaker 1: she's she was a model, so she can you know, 108 00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,120 Speaker 1: we can kind of figure this out. And I was 109 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,680 Speaker 1: just such a mess. I'm so glad that I wasn't 110 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:58,680 Speaker 1: a Trophy. But it was a really, really challenging time 111 00:05:58,720 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaker 1: for me, and I just hope that nobody else has 112 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,200 Speaker 1: to go through something like that. I did not feel love. 113 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:09,120 Speaker 1: I did not even know what love meant. People are like, well, well, 114 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:11,520 Speaker 1: you were so in love. I'm like, well, I wore 115 00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,080 Speaker 1: the dress he wanted me to wear, and I, you know, 116 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:17,840 Speaker 1: got married and built the life for him. But I 117 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:21,840 Speaker 1: didn't feel love and I didn't even know what being 118 00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:25,480 Speaker 1: in love felt like. And to be honest with you, 119 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:31,440 Speaker 1: I have never been in love. I've never felt love. 120 00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,880 Speaker 1: I know that I know what it's supposed to feel. 121 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,480 Speaker 1: It looked like, I know what looks like on social 122 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:42,440 Speaker 1: media with rose petals, but I personally have never been 123 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,039 Speaker 1: in love or felt what love really really feels like. 124 00:06:50,320 --> 00:06:54,760 Speaker 1: I'm just getting really emotional because like, I've never articulated 125 00:06:54,800 --> 00:07:00,720 Speaker 1: that before, and you know, I guess you know, the 126 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:03,359 Speaker 1: past couple of months have been very difficult for me. 127 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,800 Speaker 1: And it's been difficult because I don't have that outlet 128 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:11,600 Speaker 1: to go on social media and you know, cry to 129 00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:15,360 Speaker 1: people and show like how I'm feeling. I you know, 130 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,760 Speaker 1: try to mask it so because I don't want people 131 00:07:18,800 --> 00:07:22,760 Speaker 1: to you know, be afraid of, you know, running away 132 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: from something they didn't want. And I think it's really 133 00:07:26,040 --> 00:07:29,280 Speaker 1: difficult for me, you know, even though you know, I 134 00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:32,000 Speaker 1: was with him for ten years, but I stayed with 135 00:07:32,080 --> 00:07:34,040 Speaker 1: him because I thought it was the right thing to do, 136 00:07:34,680 --> 00:07:38,280 Speaker 1: and it was so harmful to me and to like 137 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,600 Speaker 1: my mental health that when I was like started to 138 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:45,080 Speaker 1: even date, and at you know, thirty seven, which is 139 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:50,280 Speaker 1: not young by the way, I had such like arrested development. 140 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,800 Speaker 1: I didn't even know like who I was. I would 141 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:56,520 Speaker 1: date a guy and if I didn't like it, I 142 00:07:56,720 --> 00:08:02,360 Speaker 1: just was like dump him. I was completely unavailable. I 143 00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:09,320 Speaker 1: chose men that were wildly abusive verbally, physically. I guess 144 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:12,080 Speaker 1: maybe that's also you know, I when I was very 145 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:16,360 Speaker 1: very young, in like literally in you know, like six 146 00:08:16,480 --> 00:08:20,480 Speaker 1: years old, I was abused at my school by another classmate, 147 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:28,040 Speaker 1: and I always felt so dirty about sex and having 148 00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,320 Speaker 1: that those kind of you know, being touched like that. 149 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 1: And then later on in life, when you're supposed to 150 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,680 Speaker 1: feel loved and everyone's like, oh, you guys are so 151 00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:39,640 Speaker 1: in love and you have this perfect family and you're 152 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:41,240 Speaker 1: supposed to be doing all these things, and they were 153 00:08:41,559 --> 00:08:44,760 Speaker 1: there was no perfection perfection is just a it's just 154 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,000 Speaker 1: a word people try to use so that it masks like, 155 00:08:48,559 --> 00:08:51,840 Speaker 1: you know, all the imperfection, and people don't people either. 156 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:53,840 Speaker 1: They want to commiserate with you, like, oh my god, 157 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,760 Speaker 1: yeah that really happened to me, but they don't want 158 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,840 Speaker 1: to hear your bad news. They just don't like they 159 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,040 Speaker 1: have their own bad news, whether you know. And I 160 00:09:02,240 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 1: just felt very very very alone and very very lonely. 161 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,679 Speaker 1: So over the years, I've had a handful of boyfriends, 162 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:14,600 Speaker 1: and I mean, I can't you can't even call them 163 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,800 Speaker 1: boyfriends because I mean they were dating me. I definitely 164 00:09:17,840 --> 00:09:21,280 Speaker 1: was not dating them. I had no interest in dating 165 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:26,800 Speaker 1: them zero. I was so laser focused on providing for 166 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:31,400 Speaker 1: my girls and making sure that they had what they 167 00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:35,560 Speaker 1: needed in terms of education and in terms of upbringing 168 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,760 Speaker 1: that I thought was the right thing to do for them, 169 00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:40,360 Speaker 1: that I was so laser focused on making money, making 170 00:09:40,720 --> 00:09:44,280 Speaker 1: making whatever it took for them that if there was 171 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:46,640 Speaker 1: a guy that was a nice guy or not a 172 00:09:46,679 --> 00:09:50,520 Speaker 1: guy's de guy, I didn't even notice him, had no 173 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:53,440 Speaker 1: no interest, would fake and tell them I love them. 174 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:57,800 Speaker 1: I didn't love them. I would, you know, pretend that 175 00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,000 Speaker 1: we were like boyfriend and girlfriend when I could not 176 00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:04,760 Speaker 1: have cared less what they did. I would say like, oh, 177 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:06,559 Speaker 1: you have to go on a trip, okay, great, call 178 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:10,000 Speaker 1: me when you're done. Like never even call them or 179 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:14,160 Speaker 1: you know, ask how they were just completely unavailable and 180 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:16,120 Speaker 1: the irony of it. They were all thought that I 181 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,760 Speaker 1: was like so into them and that I was just 182 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:22,200 Speaker 1: super hard to get to, super cold, so that they 183 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,760 Speaker 1: couldn't you know, get into me. But I just wasn't 184 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:30,640 Speaker 1: available at all, and I was miserable, totally totally miserable. 185 00:10:30,679 --> 00:10:35,360 Speaker 1: I would have sex how many whatever I wanted to why, 186 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:39,920 Speaker 1: you know, just because like not even like caring about 187 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,800 Speaker 1: who they were or about their feelings. It's not like 188 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:44,880 Speaker 1: I was having sex with random people. But I would 189 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,560 Speaker 1: pick guys and I would date them, and knowing that 190 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:50,000 Speaker 1: they were the wrong people. I mean, if they had 191 00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:55,240 Speaker 1: drug issues and whatever they were doing, I didn't care 192 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,360 Speaker 1: because I was like, I'll find something great about them 193 00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,200 Speaker 1: so I can just you know, have sex with them, 194 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:03,240 Speaker 1: and they're unavailable. And it was just a very dark, dark, 195 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:09,480 Speaker 1: dark dark time. And you know, at the same time, 196 00:11:09,679 --> 00:11:13,240 Speaker 1: I'm at home crying in my closet, like I want love, 197 00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,240 Speaker 1: I want to feel love. What does love feel like? 198 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: And so it was just like very strong juxtaposition of 199 00:11:22,280 --> 00:11:25,480 Speaker 1: feelings where you're putting something out there that is so 200 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:29,920 Speaker 1: negative and you're at home desperate for something that's so positive. 201 00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:35,240 Speaker 1: And it was just a very it was it was 202 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:37,880 Speaker 1: a very you know, difficult time. And then I was 203 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,520 Speaker 1: on television and I had guys that would try and 204 00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:43,840 Speaker 1: they would be like, oh, I dated a hub's wife, 205 00:11:44,040 --> 00:11:47,120 Speaker 1: and you know, sometimes I would be like, Okay, maybe 206 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:50,040 Speaker 1: I should just date them to date them, I mean, 207 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,280 Speaker 1: dating some guy that wanted to date someone that was 208 00:11:52,320 --> 00:11:55,319 Speaker 1: on a TV show. Like how pathetic is that? And 209 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,600 Speaker 1: like imagine my sense of like my self esteem was 210 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:02,520 Speaker 1: a zero. And then I was engaged to my most 211 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:10,319 Speaker 1: recent ex who really really wanted to marry me, and uh, 212 00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:15,679 Speaker 1: I just wasn't available for him either. You know. I 213 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:20,080 Speaker 1: was happy for him and his success, but I didn't 214 00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:23,440 Speaker 1: really care about anything that happened with what he was 215 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,400 Speaker 1: doing or his family. I didn't want to like be 216 00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:29,839 Speaker 1: a part of his kids. I didn't want to hear 217 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:32,120 Speaker 1: about his you know, that part of his life. It 218 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:39,160 Speaker 1: just has zero interest. And now that I reflect back 219 00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,960 Speaker 1: on that, I just, you know, it's not fair to 220 00:12:43,000 --> 00:12:46,240 Speaker 1: be with someone who's emotionally unavailable. It's just not fair. 221 00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:49,960 Speaker 1: It's just not fair. And you know, whether he's a 222 00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:54,440 Speaker 1: superman or whether he's Clark Kent, he just wasn't my man. 223 00:12:55,640 --> 00:13:02,840 Speaker 1: And I'm just I'm just excited to meet my man, 224 00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,040 Speaker 1: Like what does he look like? What does he smell like? 225 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:09,280 Speaker 1: What does he feel like? Like? I want I can't 226 00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,319 Speaker 1: wait to meet someone that I just want to tell 227 00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,280 Speaker 1: the whole world like I've never been like I have 228 00:13:15,320 --> 00:13:20,560 Speaker 1: a boyfriend. And it's you know, when you're like in 229 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,920 Speaker 1: the you know, in papers and people are like, are 230 00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:24,640 Speaker 1: you dating? And they'd ask me, are you dating Andy? 231 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,800 Speaker 1: They want I'd be like, no, no, I was dating 232 00:13:26,800 --> 00:13:29,000 Speaker 1: all these different guys. I was saying, no, no, I'm 233 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:33,320 Speaker 1: not dating anyone, lying, lying like crazy. Didn't want anyone 234 00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:37,679 Speaker 1: to know what I was doing, because I, first of all, 235 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:39,400 Speaker 1: was none of their business. But second of all, I 236 00:13:39,440 --> 00:13:41,640 Speaker 1: didn't want anyone to know if I was dating someone. 237 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:45,559 Speaker 1: If I wasn't not embarrassed by them, but just humiliated 238 00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:51,240 Speaker 1: by my own self. And you know, it's ironic because 239 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:52,680 Speaker 1: I have this, you know, I was raised with a 240 00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:57,480 Speaker 1: twin brother, so I had this amazing twin brother who 241 00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:01,640 Speaker 1: I used to fight with, argue with. You know, we'd 242 00:14:01,679 --> 00:14:05,520 Speaker 1: have so much fun with do stupid things, watch sports 243 00:14:05,559 --> 00:14:08,440 Speaker 1: with him, do all these things. And so I know 244 00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:12,439 Speaker 1: what it's like to have a gem. He's my brother. 245 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,720 Speaker 1: But I know what it's like to be around a 246 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:18,160 Speaker 1: male who's amazing and who's fun and exciting and interesting 247 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:21,120 Speaker 1: and engaging, and he has a beautiful wife an amazing kid. 248 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:25,440 Speaker 1: So I know what that looks like. I just didn't 249 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:29,520 Speaker 1: want it for myself. For some reason, I just was like, 250 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:33,840 Speaker 1: I don't deserve that. And maybe the guys that I 251 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:38,880 Speaker 1: was dating or that I was choosing just made that 252 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: even more real because they they didn't deserve me, and 253 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,280 Speaker 1: I didn't even deserve them. I mean, they could have 254 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,760 Speaker 1: been the worst men on the planet, but they still 255 00:14:49,760 --> 00:14:51,920 Speaker 1: were a lot better than how I was treating myself. 256 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:05,160 Speaker 1: So when I called off my engagement four days before 257 00:15:05,200 --> 00:15:07,440 Speaker 1: the wedding, there was like this, there was like a 258 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:11,600 Speaker 1: lot of mixed emotions. She wouldn't she know she'd broke 259 00:15:11,680 --> 00:15:13,960 Speaker 1: up and then because of money it's all about money, 260 00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,920 Speaker 1: or she's not you know, no, oh he dodged a 261 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:22,840 Speaker 1: bullet because she's so crazy, or you know all these awful, 262 00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:27,760 Speaker 1: awful things, and when you're you know, in the public eye, 263 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:32,400 Speaker 1: you know you have a responsibility, and you know. I 264 00:15:32,440 --> 00:15:36,480 Speaker 1: wanted to say, like I'm feeling like shit, I'm feeling awful, 265 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:44,160 Speaker 1: I'm feeling so humiliated, I'm so humiliated, and that I 266 00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:48,720 Speaker 1: couldn't like figure out like who to be with, or 267 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,640 Speaker 1: that I didn't say to him before, this is not working. 268 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,040 Speaker 1: This is not right. I do not want this. And 269 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:55,840 Speaker 1: that's not that I didn't want this because I was 270 00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:59,520 Speaker 1: running away again in like the newest sneakers so I 271 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:02,360 Speaker 1: could get was as fast as possible. It's not like 272 00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:05,560 Speaker 1: running away. I just I knew for myself that he 273 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:08,920 Speaker 1: wasn't the right person a long long time ago, and 274 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:12,720 Speaker 1: I should have had the confidence to sit him down 275 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:17,480 Speaker 1: and say, or just the decency to say, this is 276 00:16:17,520 --> 00:16:20,440 Speaker 1: not working. And not for the reasons that you think, 277 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:26,000 Speaker 1: but because I'm not ready. I'm not ready. So again, 278 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:29,400 Speaker 1: like you know, here's a laundry list of all these 279 00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:35,320 Speaker 1: different guys, drugs, infidelity, cheating, like you name it, the 280 00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:38,640 Speaker 1: worst of the worst. I was like, oh, I'll date him. 281 00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:43,480 Speaker 1: I'll date that guy that sounds great, making excuses, but 282 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,440 Speaker 1: like who wants someone like that, And even if on 283 00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:50,200 Speaker 1: paper they looked like they were incredible, they were single 284 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:53,360 Speaker 1: for a reason and so was I because we're both 285 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:57,240 Speaker 1: like totally. All these men that I was dating were 286 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 1: just as unavailable as I was hiding all these issues, porn, 287 00:17:04,440 --> 00:17:10,600 Speaker 1: like all this crap, and it was really awful. And 288 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:14,680 Speaker 1: I just when I remember what I remember a year ago, 289 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:17,119 Speaker 1: and I just was like, I cannot do this anymore. 290 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:20,239 Speaker 1: There were situations that were happening with his children, and 291 00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:22,840 Speaker 1: I just was like, I am not ready for any 292 00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,640 Speaker 1: of this and I can't do this. And instead of 293 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,399 Speaker 1: being an adult and in the room, because you know, 294 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:30,080 Speaker 1: I always talk about being the adult in the room. 295 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:33,840 Speaker 1: I always talk about like, oh, finally there's an adult 296 00:17:33,840 --> 00:17:36,720 Speaker 1: in the room. I'm up here, you're down there. You know, 297 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:39,119 Speaker 1: you know I always know the right thing to say. 298 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,919 Speaker 1: I don't know the right thing to say. I just 299 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:45,919 Speaker 1: say that because that sounds good, because it sounds like 300 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:49,560 Speaker 1: something that someone like me would say. That's not the 301 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:53,840 Speaker 1: right thing to say, it's not. You have to be 302 00:17:53,880 --> 00:17:57,800 Speaker 1: honest with people and say to them, first to yourself, 303 00:17:57,840 --> 00:17:59,640 Speaker 1: forget them, like you're not you don't need, you don't 304 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:03,800 Speaker 1: owe anyone anything, by the way, So the first thing 305 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:07,879 Speaker 1: that you need to tell yourself is here are the 306 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:11,240 Speaker 1: here the non starters. Here are the things you cannot 307 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:15,400 Speaker 1: put up with. And that's not like, well, Kelly, when 308 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,680 Speaker 1: you're like dating, you're gonna have to be a little 309 00:18:17,760 --> 00:18:22,880 Speaker 1: more open because like everybody's got their flaws. So I've 310 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,800 Speaker 1: recently started dating again since I called off my wedding, 311 00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:33,000 Speaker 1: and not because I'm bored, but because I have been 312 00:18:33,080 --> 00:18:39,320 Speaker 1: going to therapy and because I started this podcast and 313 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:45,400 Speaker 1: listening to all these different mentors and people talk about 314 00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:50,520 Speaker 1: their different stories made me feel safe. So I was like, hey, 315 00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:54,200 Speaker 1: you know what, like someone's been married four times. People 316 00:18:54,240 --> 00:18:56,679 Speaker 1: have there you know, like I'll never forget TJ with 317 00:18:56,800 --> 00:19:00,080 Speaker 1: like there's eight divorces in this room, And I was like, 318 00:19:00,119 --> 00:19:05,000 Speaker 1: what eight, That's just a crazy number. And I just 319 00:19:05,040 --> 00:19:08,399 Speaker 1: started to feel safe about what I wanted for my 320 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:12,280 Speaker 1: own self. And so I have an amazing therapist and 321 00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,840 Speaker 1: we've been talking through and walking through what are the 322 00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,159 Speaker 1: things that are non starters for me? And if I 323 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:21,119 Speaker 1: am going to go on a date, what am I 324 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,399 Speaker 1: going to bring to the table? Not him, but what 325 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:25,879 Speaker 1: am I going to bring to the table? First of all, 326 00:19:25,880 --> 00:19:27,520 Speaker 1: I'm going to bring to the table things I will 327 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:33,240 Speaker 1: not put up with, and those are things like no cheating, 328 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:39,960 Speaker 1: no lying, no violence, no emotional abuse, no sexual abuse, 329 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:44,360 Speaker 1: no any kind of anything that makes me feel bad. 330 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:47,879 Speaker 1: If you don't make me feel good about feeling good, 331 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:53,200 Speaker 1: you're out. And you can tell that about a person immediately. 332 00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,480 Speaker 1: You don't need to talk to them, you don't need 333 00:19:55,520 --> 00:19:58,400 Speaker 1: to ask them about their last relationship. All you need 334 00:19:58,440 --> 00:20:01,520 Speaker 1: to do is give them a couple of seconds to say, 335 00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,720 Speaker 1: how are you? Or you're just kind of talk, you know, 336 00:20:04,760 --> 00:20:07,000 Speaker 1: you're just kind of how they introduce themselves, and you'll 337 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,600 Speaker 1: know immediately if it's about them or if it's about 338 00:20:10,640 --> 00:20:14,440 Speaker 1: you guys. And that was something I needed to learn 339 00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:18,080 Speaker 1: that it's a wee. It's not like I'm going to 340 00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:20,760 Speaker 1: lure this guy. I'm going to show him how pretty 341 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,440 Speaker 1: I am and funny I am and smart I am. 342 00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:27,879 Speaker 1: Now you want I needed to I need to be 343 00:20:28,119 --> 00:20:32,080 Speaker 1: and I'm going to be open. I'm going to be 344 00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:36,040 Speaker 1: more relaxed, maybe in my body language, maybe the way 345 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:40,480 Speaker 1: that I dress, just everything about me is going to 346 00:20:40,560 --> 00:20:47,480 Speaker 1: be different because it's on my terms now and all 347 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:50,359 Speaker 1: those things that I said before the cheating, the line, 348 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,400 Speaker 1: the vines, all of those things are just absolutely unacceptable 349 00:20:55,880 --> 00:21:00,879 Speaker 1: and so run away from all of that, run fast sprint. 350 00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:06,720 Speaker 1: So no more abuse of drugs or alcohol, no more anger, 351 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,720 Speaker 1: no more fixing men, no more Oh I see the 352 00:21:12,760 --> 00:21:15,600 Speaker 1: potential in him, I just see so much in him. 353 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:21,680 Speaker 1: If he's not there, he's not ready. No more dating 354 00:21:21,840 --> 00:21:23,800 Speaker 1: someone that doesn't want to have a future with me, 355 00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:26,639 Speaker 1: no one. No more dating someone's that's not saying, oh 356 00:21:26,720 --> 00:21:29,600 Speaker 1: my god, I would love to do this on Halloween, 357 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:32,400 Speaker 1: or making plans in the future, whether it's like going 358 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:35,399 Speaker 1: to the movies, doesn't need to be you know, some 359 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:38,800 Speaker 1: wild thing. It needs to be something a tomorrow thing. 360 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:40,119 Speaker 1: Oh I would like to get a coffee with you. 361 00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:44,439 Speaker 1: I'm going to meet you. Those kind of things. Not 362 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:46,040 Speaker 1: going to go on a date with someone who doesn't 363 00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,399 Speaker 1: understand my kids because they're my number one priority and 364 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:53,639 Speaker 1: they will always be. So that's like an absolute no. 365 00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:58,639 Speaker 1: And no more self sabotaging my relationships. So, like I said, 366 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,560 Speaker 1: being more relaxed, and when I go on a date, 367 00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,400 Speaker 1: not being feeling like I have to get dressed up 368 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:10,000 Speaker 1: or put on any pretenses. You're around more single people 369 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,560 Speaker 1: and Everybody starts talking about being single and what single 370 00:22:12,560 --> 00:22:15,280 Speaker 1: looks like, but they don't talk about what single feels like. 371 00:22:16,359 --> 00:22:21,679 Speaker 1: So there's no connectivity. There's no spending time with people, 372 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:28,520 Speaker 1: there's no back and forth, there's no h how is 373 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:31,040 Speaker 1: your day like? Not like how was your day like? 374 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:33,919 Speaker 1: How was your day like? How was your day like? 375 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,360 Speaker 1: How is that meeting that you had? How did that go? 376 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:39,119 Speaker 1: Did we did you know? What did you say in 377 00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:42,040 Speaker 1: that meeting? Did you feel good about it? You know, 378 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,560 Speaker 1: life is about these small little moments, and when you're 379 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:49,160 Speaker 1: single and by yourself, it's not that it sucks, it's 380 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:52,320 Speaker 1: just it's just these moments that you're having these memories 381 00:22:52,359 --> 00:22:57,879 Speaker 1: by yourself. And I'm not judging anyone for wanting to 382 00:22:57,920 --> 00:23:01,000 Speaker 1: be by themselves or for enjoying their own personal company, 383 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,679 Speaker 1: because I think that's amazing. I personally am not that person. 384 00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,200 Speaker 1: I don't enjoy being by myself. I don't enjoy myself. 385 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:10,080 Speaker 1: I don't enjoy being by myself. So for me, being 386 00:23:10,119 --> 00:23:13,680 Speaker 1: single is the worst thing. You know. I remember thinking 387 00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,800 Speaker 1: to myself, Oh my god, my kids go away. What 388 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,280 Speaker 1: am I going to do? Like I'd always be like, oh, 389 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:19,280 Speaker 1: I have to go home for the kids. I have 390 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:21,399 Speaker 1: to go home, my kids, my kids, my kids, and 391 00:23:21,480 --> 00:23:24,960 Speaker 1: I was like, what happens? I mean, fortunately for COVID, 392 00:23:25,000 --> 00:23:28,480 Speaker 1: I would have been by myself four years ago, just 393 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:32,600 Speaker 1: alone by myself. And it's not like I'm just one 394 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:34,639 Speaker 1: of these kind of people that's like walking down the 395 00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:38,040 Speaker 1: street like winking at people a hay tiger, Like I'm 396 00:23:38,080 --> 00:23:41,600 Speaker 1: not that person. I'm so introverted and so I'm so 397 00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:43,800 Speaker 1: like frightened to people and like, oh my god, they're 398 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:46,439 Speaker 1: probably saying something about me, and I'm just so insecure 399 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,960 Speaker 1: that I'm so afraid that they are, you know, looking 400 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,080 Speaker 1: at me poorly or being like, oh she's awful or 401 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:57,080 Speaker 1: she has big shoulders or whatever it is that they say. 402 00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,840 Speaker 1: That's mean, Like that goes That's what goes through my head. 403 00:24:00,119 --> 00:24:04,480 Speaker 1: Being alone and being single sucks because you allow yours 404 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,200 Speaker 1: that's your that's your partner, is your your mind, that's 405 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,760 Speaker 1: like places tricks on you. And I don't want to 406 00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:14,280 Speaker 1: make those memories in my life and I don't want 407 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:18,400 Speaker 1: to have that partner. I want to have a solid 408 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:22,800 Speaker 1: partner that we're talking about things and we're interested in things, 409 00:24:22,880 --> 00:24:26,720 Speaker 1: and we're making plans and we're building a family, whether 410 00:24:26,760 --> 00:24:30,119 Speaker 1: that's with his family or my family. I want to 411 00:24:30,160 --> 00:24:43,280 Speaker 1: create those memories. I always talk about creating memories. So 412 00:24:43,359 --> 00:24:45,439 Speaker 1: I really appreciate you guys going through this with me. 413 00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:50,880 Speaker 1: Being single just really sucks. And there's like no one 414 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,560 Speaker 1: that you have. There's no one that you have in 415 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:58,080 Speaker 1: a crisis, like something happens to you, like when you know, Christmas, 416 00:24:58,080 --> 00:25:01,200 Speaker 1: I'm driving with the girls and and my oldest daughter's 417 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:03,080 Speaker 1: car she blows a tire and I'm like, I don't 418 00:25:03,119 --> 00:25:06,879 Speaker 1: want to fix a freaking tire and there's no aa, 419 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,600 Speaker 1: there's no nothing. And I literally just melted down and 420 00:25:09,600 --> 00:25:12,159 Speaker 1: start bawling my eyes out like I had just it's like, 421 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,199 Speaker 1: and I know that sounds like, oh my god, you 422 00:25:14,240 --> 00:25:16,359 Speaker 1: have no one to fix you tire. It was like 423 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,400 Speaker 1: on the road it was Christmas. There's no one there, 424 00:25:18,440 --> 00:25:21,360 Speaker 1: And I'm like with my kids, so there's no one 425 00:25:21,359 --> 00:25:24,159 Speaker 1: to help you on a crisis. And the idea of 426 00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,560 Speaker 1: turning sixty, I'm, you know, fifty six, that's around the corner. 427 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:31,000 Speaker 1: I'm being alone makes me really sad and really scared. 428 00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:35,119 Speaker 1: And the idea of my youngest child leaving and moving on, 429 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:38,800 Speaker 1: even though I want them to be healthy and happy 430 00:25:38,840 --> 00:25:44,560 Speaker 1: and amazing. I'm scared to be alone, and I feel 431 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:48,480 Speaker 1: like they are like so close to me because they 432 00:25:48,520 --> 00:25:50,280 Speaker 1: don't want me to be alone and they don't want 433 00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:54,520 Speaker 1: me to be, you know, scared, which is awful. This 434 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:58,080 Speaker 1: is everything that I didn't want for them. And I 435 00:25:58,080 --> 00:26:00,280 Speaker 1: don't want a photo album. I don't want to like 436 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:03,760 Speaker 1: my phone filled with pictures of myself face tuned photos. 437 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,440 Speaker 1: I really don't want that. I mean, everybody loves that. 438 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,560 Speaker 1: I do not like that. I'm like, ugh, look these 439 00:26:09,840 --> 00:26:12,679 Speaker 1: fecking photos. Like where are like the fun photos of 440 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:16,000 Speaker 1: like eating ice cream or like the you know, like 441 00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:18,639 Speaker 1: like hanging out with your kids eating you know, watching 442 00:26:18,680 --> 00:26:22,280 Speaker 1: a movie, or just like fun selfies. And I don't 443 00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:25,160 Speaker 1: want to have lack of sex and lack of intimacy. 444 00:26:25,720 --> 00:26:28,199 Speaker 1: I don't want to I don't want to have I 445 00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:30,720 Speaker 1: don't want to have sex anymore. I don't want to 446 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:34,720 Speaker 1: have some guy taking a Viagara with some angry bird 447 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:38,719 Speaker 1: penis like looking at me, frightening me. I'm like, I 448 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:40,840 Speaker 1: need an ice pack, and this is not what I want. 449 00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,679 Speaker 1: I want to have intimacy and love and kindness and 450 00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,320 Speaker 1: just to like just lay there with them and talk 451 00:26:48,359 --> 00:26:52,240 Speaker 1: about whatever it is. I don't want some like red 452 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,440 Speaker 1: you know, like arm coming after me. Just don't want that. 453 00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:59,199 Speaker 1: Nothing wrong with guys would take viagra. But if you're 454 00:26:59,200 --> 00:27:01,000 Speaker 1: gonna take viagraa why can't you say I'm gonna go 455 00:27:01,040 --> 00:27:02,520 Speaker 1: in the bathroom. My little friend and I are going 456 00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:04,160 Speaker 1: to have a power you know, like a little moment 457 00:27:04,200 --> 00:27:06,520 Speaker 1: together and we'll be back. Like so at least I'm 458 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,679 Speaker 1: involved in the narrative and I'm not just like, you know, 459 00:27:09,840 --> 00:27:11,760 Speaker 1: standing there with like a tripod in front of me. 460 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,040 Speaker 1: I'm just like, that's not what I want. I don't 461 00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:17,240 Speaker 1: want that kind of sex, and I don't want to 462 00:27:17,280 --> 00:27:20,199 Speaker 1: be good with events by myself. So it's you know, 463 00:27:20,400 --> 00:27:23,119 Speaker 1: everyone and Peete talks about how I'm always late to 464 00:27:23,119 --> 00:27:25,080 Speaker 1: an event. The reason I'm late to an event is 465 00:27:25,119 --> 00:27:26,880 Speaker 1: because I don't want to be at the event by myself, 466 00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,480 Speaker 1: So I go late because I'm like, if I go late, 467 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:32,080 Speaker 1: then I can leave early because everyone else is leaving early. 468 00:27:32,240 --> 00:27:34,040 Speaker 1: So I'm only there for a certain amount of time 469 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,560 Speaker 1: because I don't want to be by myself. Oh yeah, 470 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:39,159 Speaker 1: So I went to this event by myself and it 471 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,320 Speaker 1: was really really great. Me myself and I sat in 472 00:27:41,359 --> 00:27:44,040 Speaker 1: the chair together, I talked to people. They were really 473 00:27:44,040 --> 00:27:45,879 Speaker 1: not interested in talking to me, but I was talking 474 00:27:45,880 --> 00:27:49,879 Speaker 1: to them anyway, and you know, they were talking to 475 00:27:49,920 --> 00:27:52,919 Speaker 1: me about whatever it was. And then I left, and 476 00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,639 Speaker 1: it used to make me so sad and miserable. I 477 00:27:55,680 --> 00:28:00,359 Speaker 1: was miserable, miserable sitting there. I'd be all my you know, 478 00:28:00,440 --> 00:28:02,760 Speaker 1: all hair and makeup, and people are like, oh my god, 479 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,359 Speaker 1: you just get ready for twenty minutes. Yeah, because I 480 00:28:05,400 --> 00:28:06,919 Speaker 1: was only there for twenty minutes to do what I 481 00:28:06,960 --> 00:28:10,280 Speaker 1: needed to do and then I left. And not that 482 00:28:10,359 --> 00:28:14,040 Speaker 1: I don't respect the people that have me at these events, 483 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:16,960 Speaker 1: but I was just so unhappy with myself that I 484 00:28:17,000 --> 00:28:22,199 Speaker 1: wasn't even enjoying the moment that they were celebrating. So 485 00:28:22,280 --> 00:28:25,480 Speaker 1: I missed out on that. And I want to have 486 00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:27,879 Speaker 1: someone to vent too, Like I'm venting to you guys. 487 00:28:28,080 --> 00:28:30,280 Speaker 1: I want to be in a safe space where I 488 00:28:30,320 --> 00:28:35,520 Speaker 1: can just be like I'm feking miserable today, as opposed 489 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:39,240 Speaker 1: to being like everything's fun, everything's great, We're gonna get 490 00:28:39,240 --> 00:28:41,280 Speaker 1: all this together. I'm gonna go on and run and 491 00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:44,440 Speaker 1: feel good. I just want to vent to someone and 492 00:28:44,520 --> 00:28:48,959 Speaker 1: just be like I am having the worst day and 493 00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,840 Speaker 1: I'm feeling that feeling that I don't want to feel. 494 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:55,800 Speaker 1: I'm feeling that that part of me is telling me 495 00:28:56,160 --> 00:28:58,560 Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, and I don't want to feel 496 00:28:58,600 --> 00:29:03,400 Speaker 1: that anymore. So something I'm really big on now is 497 00:29:03,440 --> 00:29:07,360 Speaker 1: therapy and I'm working on myself post breakup. But I'm 498 00:29:07,440 --> 00:29:10,840 Speaker 1: really into manifesting my own future. This is something that 499 00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,200 Speaker 1: I was like, manifest I was like, that is a croc. 500 00:29:13,360 --> 00:29:16,000 Speaker 1: I'm like, I'm not going to manifest anything. But you 501 00:29:16,040 --> 00:29:17,920 Speaker 1: know what, since I've been doing this podcast and I 502 00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:23,040 Speaker 1: actually have been looking up in my TikTok is like manifestation, 503 00:29:23,480 --> 00:29:27,120 Speaker 1: you must manifest, And I'm like, what is going on now? 504 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:29,480 Speaker 1: This new person in my head that's trying to help 505 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:33,720 Speaker 1: me to be better and it's working. It's just working. 506 00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:35,760 Speaker 1: I mean for me to be able to sit in 507 00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:38,600 Speaker 1: this chair and talk to you guys like this. It's 508 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:45,840 Speaker 1: not who I am, but it's me now. So when 509 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:51,960 Speaker 1: I get married someday, I have a really strong idea 510 00:29:51,960 --> 00:29:53,800 Speaker 1: of who that's going to be and what they're going 511 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:59,160 Speaker 1: to look like. After all this, after this disaster, after 512 00:29:59,200 --> 00:30:02,800 Speaker 1: this like a pile of rubble of my feelings and 513 00:30:02,840 --> 00:30:07,640 Speaker 1: my emotions and my old self is like, I'm just 514 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:11,920 Speaker 1: like going to clean that all up, and I am 515 00:30:11,960 --> 00:30:16,480 Speaker 1: going to start believing in myself first and giving myself 516 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:21,720 Speaker 1: a chance and giving myself a chance to feel and 517 00:30:21,800 --> 00:30:27,280 Speaker 1: to be open and to be available and to be kind, 518 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:36,239 Speaker 1: really kind to another person. So after all this, I 519 00:30:36,280 --> 00:30:44,200 Speaker 1: wrote a journal entry to my dear future husband, and 520 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:48,600 Speaker 1: I want him to know how much I love and 521 00:30:48,640 --> 00:30:51,840 Speaker 1: care about him and why I'm so proud to be 522 00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:58,840 Speaker 1: with him. To my future husband, I'm so happy to 523 00:30:58,920 --> 00:31:03,160 Speaker 1: have finally met you. Now that I have a healthier mindset, 524 00:31:03,960 --> 00:31:05,960 Speaker 1: I'm doing the work with a therapist, I'd like to 525 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:09,320 Speaker 1: express to you how thankful I am to finally have 526 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:13,520 Speaker 1: you in my life. I've never written a heartfelt note 527 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:16,680 Speaker 1: or vows or anything outside of one love letter in 528 00:31:16,720 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 1: my entire life. When I was writing my novel The 529 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:22,280 Speaker 1: Second Course, I was asked to write a letter to 530 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:25,200 Speaker 1: the man I was dating at the time. He was 531 00:31:25,240 --> 00:31:28,840 Speaker 1: an amazing person from a prestigious family, but he was 532 00:31:28,960 --> 00:31:33,240 Speaker 1: myriad in a world of prescription drugs. Looking back, I 533 00:31:33,320 --> 00:31:36,880 Speaker 1: didn't know I would engage in with a man with addictions, 534 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,280 Speaker 1: but I saw who he was without the drugs, and 535 00:31:40,280 --> 00:31:45,920 Speaker 1: that was incredible, bright, educated and thoughtful. But what about me? 536 00:31:47,040 --> 00:31:51,520 Speaker 1: Why did I gravitate towards a man who was emotionally unavailable, 537 00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:57,520 Speaker 1: and why was I writing him a love letter? Why 538 00:31:57,600 --> 00:32:01,720 Speaker 1: wasn't I writing the love letter to myself. What I 539 00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:05,200 Speaker 1: quickly learned in writing that letter was that he his 540 00:32:05,280 --> 00:32:10,200 Speaker 1: addictions and I couldn't sustain a love triangle. And I 541 00:32:10,240 --> 00:32:12,320 Speaker 1: came to understand that I deserve a man who could 542 00:32:12,320 --> 00:32:16,960 Speaker 1: be a safe haven. So who is that man? He's 543 00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:20,440 Speaker 1: always there for me, whether the good, the bad, the ugly. 544 00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:24,040 Speaker 1: He won't let me run away from uncomfortable moments, and 545 00:32:24,120 --> 00:32:28,040 Speaker 1: he makes decisions with me, not for me. He's you, 546 00:32:29,040 --> 00:32:34,480 Speaker 1: always surprising me and constantly piquing my curiosity. My non 547 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:37,520 Speaker 1: negotiables are that I cannot live with a cheater, a liar, 548 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:41,640 Speaker 1: or anyone who abuses drugs or someone with anger issues. 549 00:32:42,040 --> 00:32:44,640 Speaker 1: They must love me and my family and allow me 550 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:49,360 Speaker 1: to love theirs. I need to protect me and not 551 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:52,840 Speaker 1: have to protect them. In the past, I would sabotage 552 00:32:52,840 --> 00:32:55,800 Speaker 1: a relationship if I felt I was not good enough. 553 00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:59,200 Speaker 1: I wanted to protect myself from hurt, and maybe that 554 00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:03,200 Speaker 1: was manifest by me taking control, which is ironic because 555 00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:07,440 Speaker 1: I found myself in abusive relationships. Time after time, the 556 00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:10,720 Speaker 1: lines were blurred. The desire was for a strong man 557 00:33:10,760 --> 00:33:13,680 Speaker 1: to take control, but to protect me, not to physically 558 00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:18,040 Speaker 1: assault me. That was the theme for too long. Here's 559 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:21,680 Speaker 1: who you are to me. You make me a better person. 560 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:26,680 Speaker 1: You inspire me with little things like hot sauce, and 561 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,800 Speaker 1: you treat my children and their emotions with kid gloves. 562 00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:32,600 Speaker 1: You make me want to nest with you. You make 563 00:33:32,680 --> 00:33:35,560 Speaker 1: me want to tell the world who you are and 564 00:33:35,600 --> 00:33:38,040 Speaker 1: why you are my superman. Not for the reasons you think, 565 00:33:39,400 --> 00:33:42,200 Speaker 1: but because you walk next to me, holding hands as 566 00:33:42,240 --> 00:33:47,200 Speaker 1: a partner in everything. I'm not an open person, but 567 00:33:47,280 --> 00:33:50,440 Speaker 1: I want you to know everything about me. It hasn't 568 00:33:50,440 --> 00:33:53,040 Speaker 1: been the easiest to navigate the world of relationships and 569 00:33:53,160 --> 00:33:58,280 Speaker 1: love to understand who I deserve. I tell you these 570 00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,600 Speaker 1: stories so you can hear the pain and the fear 571 00:34:00,640 --> 00:34:04,640 Speaker 1: in my heart. And I now know that love isn't 572 00:34:04,680 --> 00:34:09,680 Speaker 1: supposed to hurt. I can love in my bones, wrapped 573 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:13,279 Speaker 1: around me like the coziest juvet. And you are the 574 00:34:13,320 --> 00:34:16,080 Speaker 1: man I want for myself, the man I've always dreamed of. 575 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,439 Speaker 1: I can only pray that my daughters might a kind 576 00:34:19,480 --> 00:34:24,080 Speaker 1: person like you for themselves. Here are things I'll never do. 577 00:34:24,680 --> 00:34:28,840 Speaker 1: I'll never run away, I'll never belittle you, and I'll 578 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:31,440 Speaker 1: never make you insecure about how I feel about you, 579 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:35,480 Speaker 1: cheat on you, or lie to you. Thank you for 580 00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:40,040 Speaker 1: believing in me, Kelly. I just feel so much better 581 00:34:40,080 --> 00:34:43,600 Speaker 1: after reading that out loud. This was so vulnerable to 582 00:34:43,640 --> 00:34:46,439 Speaker 1: put out there, and I really enjoyed connecting with you. 583 00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:49,200 Speaker 1: And I think that we've been through it. We've really, 584 00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:53,480 Speaker 1: really really been through it. Today. We loved and we've lost, 585 00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:56,319 Speaker 1: and still we want to find love again. I'm being 586 00:34:56,360 --> 00:34:59,560 Speaker 1: real and raw with you, guys, because it's the only 587 00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,040 Speaker 1: way that I know I'm going to grow and heal. 588 00:35:03,239 --> 00:35:05,799 Speaker 1: So if you're wanting some relationship or dating advice, or 589 00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:09,200 Speaker 1: you're single and ready to find love again, call us 590 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:15,160 Speaker 1: at one eight four four four I Do POD's one 591 00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:19,080 Speaker 1: eight four four four four three six seven sixty three 592 00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:24,880 Speaker 1: or email us I Do Pod at iHeartRadio dot com. 593 00:35:25,400 --> 00:35:29,360 Speaker 1: Follow us on Instagram at I Do Part two Pod. 594 00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,239 Speaker 1: All this information will be in the show notes, and 595 00:35:32,320 --> 00:35:34,640 Speaker 1: make sure to rate and review the podcast. I can't 596 00:35:34,680 --> 00:35:37,439 Speaker 1: wait to hear what you think. I Do Part two 597 00:35:37,600 --> 00:35:42,799 Speaker 1: an iHeartRadio podcast where Falling in love is the main objective.