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Speaker 1: Hey, lady, is doctor Dim here. If you like this

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Speaker 1: show and you want to make your own, let me

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Speaker 1: tell you about the free platform Anchor. It's a creation

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Speaker 1: tool that allows you to record and edit your podcast

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Speaker 1: so it can be heard on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and more.

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Speaker 1: Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor dot

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Speaker 1: fm to get started.

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Speaker 2: On this week's episode in her Space. So before we

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Speaker 2: dive in, I just want to let you know that

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Speaker 2: you want to stay tuned until the end, because we're

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Speaker 2: going to dive into five very great tips that you

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Speaker 2: can use to live in an extroverted world if you

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Speaker 2: are an introvert, so be sure to stay tuned.

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Speaker 1: Welcome to her Space, a podcast dedicated to uplifting women

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Speaker 1: like you. We're your Yes, Doctor Dominique Broussard, a college

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Speaker 1: professor and psychologist.

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Speaker 2: And Terry Lomax, a techy and motivational speaker. In a

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Speaker 2: world where black women are often misrepresented and misunderstood, please

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Speaker 2: join us as we initiate authentic conversations on everything from

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Speaker 2: fibroids to fake friends and create a safe space where

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Speaker 2: black women can.

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Speaker 1: Just be all right.

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Speaker 3: So let's get us started with our quote of the day.

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Speaker 1: Solitude matters And for some people, it's the air they breathe.

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Speaker 1: And that quote comes to us by Susan kine.

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Speaker 3: Te. When you hear that, when you hear.

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Speaker 1: Solitude matters, and for some of us, it's the air

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Speaker 1: they breathe, what comes up for you?

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Speaker 3: What do you think that means?

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Speaker 2: So when I hear that, Dom, you know what it

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Speaker 2: says to me? It says, this is the story of

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Speaker 2: your life. That is the story of my life.

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Speaker 1: Solitude what outgoing, terry blogger, motivational speaker?

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Speaker 3: What okay? Okay?

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Speaker 2: That is so funny. You know what's funny?

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Speaker 1: Dom?

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Speaker 2: People will say that a lot, And I'm like, like,

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Speaker 2: because I am more introverted than I am extroverted, and

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Speaker 2: I've pretty much i feel like I've always been that way,

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Speaker 2: but I've learned to adjust to this sort of extroverted

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Speaker 2: world that we live in because our world is built

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Speaker 2: for extroverts, Like it's built for you know, community and

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Speaker 2: sort of constant engagement with other people. You go to

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Speaker 2: a restaurant, and you see how many chairs around the table,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. It's not like, oh, here's

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Speaker 2: a solo space for folks that want to eat by themselves,

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Speaker 2: you know what I mean. So I've learned to adjust,

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Speaker 2: and I think we'll dive into that in just a

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Speaker 2: little bit on like tips and how we can do that.

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Speaker 2: But yes, girl, I am an introvert.

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Speaker 1: And you know what's so fascinating to me is that

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Speaker 1: a lot of people that I come in contact with,

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Speaker 1: who when they're asked to get up and they have

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Speaker 1: to speak in front of crowds. A lot of professors,

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Speaker 1: actually a lot of entertainers are actually introverts. And so

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Speaker 1: to me, the first thing that I want to do

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Speaker 1: is kind of clear up what that really means, right yea,

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Speaker 1: Because most people they hear introvert and they're like, oh,

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Speaker 1: that means you're shy.

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Speaker 3: No, let's dispel that myth, right there? Are you shy?

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Speaker 1: No?

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Speaker 2: I wouldn't consider I mean, it depends on the setting.

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Speaker 2: I think usually in new spaces, I am a little

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Speaker 2: more reserved and like shy, But I wouldn't consider myself

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Speaker 2: to be a shy person.

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Speaker 1: So that's the thing. Most introverts are necessarily shy. Being

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Speaker 1: an introvert or an extrovert. One is a spectrum, right,

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Speaker 1: and so you don't have to be It's not dichotomist thinking.

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Speaker 1: It's not either I'm.

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Speaker 3: Totally an introvert or totally an extrovert. Most of us.

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Speaker 1: Are somewhere along that spectrum. Some of us even more close,

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Speaker 1: closer to the middle. And determining whether you're an introvert

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Speaker 1: or an extrovert is based on where do you get

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Speaker 1: your energy from? So if you're an introvert, that means

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Speaker 1: that you get your energy you recharge by spending time alone.

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Speaker 1: So when your day is done, like when the workday

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Speaker 1: is done, are you the person that wants to go

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Speaker 1: to happy hour with the whole crew or or would

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Speaker 1: you rather go home and relax in a bubble bag,

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Speaker 1: go to hell home?

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Speaker 3: And for me, it depends on the day.

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Speaker 1: So there are some days where I'm like, you know what,

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Speaker 1: I'm feeling social, Like I feel like I need to

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Speaker 1: be engaged with people, Let's go to this happy hour.

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Speaker 1: And then most days, because my job requires me to

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Speaker 1: be social or requires me to interact with people, let

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Speaker 1: me take my ass on.

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Speaker 3: Home and soak in the tub or read a book or.

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Speaker 1: Do something kind of reflexive where it's just me where

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Speaker 1: I don't have to interact.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that makes sense. I think about when I was

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Speaker 2: a child too, Like when I was a kid, I

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Speaker 2: was one of those kids where I could play by

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Speaker 2: myself like I used to be. I used to love Barbies,

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Speaker 2: Like me and Barbie Thos had a very intimate relationship,

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Speaker 2: and I had like the Barbie dream House and the car.

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Speaker 2: I would be in the room by myself playing with

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Speaker 2: Barbies for hours, just making in my own scenarios. But

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Speaker 2: I've always loved to be by myself, and I really

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Speaker 2: get my energy from being by myself. And when I'm

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Speaker 2: around a lot of people for long periods of time,

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Speaker 2: it is exhausting, Like it literally I become very just

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Speaker 2: irritable and just it's overwhelming for me. And so whenever

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Speaker 2: I do go to do like a motivational speaking gig

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Speaker 2: where I have to speak in front of people, I

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Speaker 2: beforehand I am mentally preparing like crazy, Like I have

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Speaker 2: to really get ready for those type of situations, even

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Speaker 2: like networking events, I have to mentally prepare for that

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Speaker 2: and like all right, like come up with a game

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Speaker 2: plan because I am introverted, and it'll be very overwhelming

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Speaker 2: for me to be in that space for a pro

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Speaker 2: long period of time.

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Speaker 3: And so.

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Speaker 1: When you're in those spaces, because you know, when we're

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Speaker 1: trying to figure out how to differentiate between the two,

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Speaker 1: when you're in those spaces, do you need to be

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Speaker 1: the center of attention or do you prefer to be

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Speaker 1: kind of in the background.

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Speaker 2: I okay, so let me I'm gonna put it this way.

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Speaker 2: So when I'm on stage and i'm speaking, I know that, Okay,

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Speaker 2: this is the space where I will be the center

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Speaker 2: of attention because I have a mission. Like I'm not

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Speaker 2: the person that's just going to be saying shit just

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Speaker 2: to say it, Like, I have a purpose. I'm on stage,

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Speaker 2: I'm saying something. When it's over, I'm done. I get

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Speaker 2: very I don't know if self conscious of the world,

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Speaker 2: but I just want to kind of be in the background. Now,

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Speaker 2: if I go into a networking event, I prefer one

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Speaker 2: on one connection, So I'm not the one that's coming

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Speaker 2: up to the group like, hey, y'all, what you talk about.

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Speaker 1: That's y'all can see, y'all can see the whole move.

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Speaker 2: But that she did, I'm not that person's walking to

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Speaker 2: the group, like, you know, trying to engage people. I'd

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Speaker 2: rather just have a one on one connection. And that's

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Speaker 2: where I flourish, Like I love the intimate, like genuine connections,

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Speaker 2: not the how's the weather, you know, like not that

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Speaker 2: kind of surface level stuff.

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Speaker 3: Right, And I'm I'm totally with you on that. As

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Speaker 3: a fellow.

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Speaker 1: Closer on the introvert spectrum, I thrive in the one

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Speaker 1: on one conversations. When it's a big group of people,

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Speaker 1: I'm more likely unless it's a group of people that

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Speaker 1: I know because I know, because i know, as I'm

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Speaker 1: saying this out loud, my girlfriends are probably like a right, right,

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Speaker 1: Nick is probably talking you know, a whole whole lot, right.

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Speaker 1: But it's people I know exactly and so But in

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Speaker 1: a regular big group setting, like I think about, like.

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Speaker 3: When I'm doing like networking events.

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Speaker 1: With my job or just out just being out in

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Speaker 1: the community, I'm not that person that is engaging the

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Speaker 1: entire group and leading the conversation. If I'm doing that,

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Speaker 1: that's because I've had a conscious conversation with myself where

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Speaker 1: I've said, Okay, today, this is your mission, this is

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Speaker 1: your goal to engage in this way, but around in

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Speaker 1: like networking settings, in work settings, I thrive in one

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Speaker 1: on one. That might be also why it helps to

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Speaker 1: be a therapist.

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Speaker 2: I wonder why it's such a good fit for that now,

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Speaker 2: dom So, I found this BuzzFeed article and it's called

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Speaker 2: twenty seven problems only introverts will understand. So I want

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Speaker 2: to run some of them by you and we'll see

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Speaker 2: which ones resonate with us, and Lady, as you listen,

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Speaker 2: tell us in the comments of either the her Space

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Speaker 2: sanctuary or leave us a review, and let us know

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Speaker 2: which of these resonate with you as well. Okay, So

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Speaker 2: the first one says when you need to take a

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Speaker 2: break and recharge after socializing for too long. I'm gonna

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Speaker 2: just say hell yeah.

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Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah.

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Speaker 1: I think about those moments where after like a big

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Speaker 1: social event, or like a long day of socializing, or

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Speaker 1: like attending a conference where like you're constantly on I

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Speaker 1: just imagine like getting in my car after the event

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Speaker 1: and just like I literally just like sit and like.

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Speaker 3: Kind of almost collapse and just like exhale, like it's done.

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Speaker 3: I have more moments like that than Ooh, I'm so hype.

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Speaker 3: I'm so glad that did the like the.

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Speaker 2: Yeah I'm with you, energy's gone gone, Okay, it's then

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Speaker 2: went out the door somewhere over there, and I find it.

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Speaker 2: For me, I'm also and I don't know if it's

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Speaker 2: going to get into this in the article, but I'm

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Speaker 2: also like an overthinker, and so in situations like that,

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Speaker 2: I want to be able to process, like what I've

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Speaker 2: what happened, what conversations did I have? Who did I

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Speaker 2: connect with? Like I just have to process, and so

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Speaker 2: for me, it's just overwhelming. So afterward, I like melt

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Speaker 2: in the seat or I'm like, okay, I need to

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Speaker 2: go back to my room. And what it says here

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Speaker 2: is I'm not anti social. I swear I just need

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Speaker 2: to recharge my introvert juices, which I'm like, yeah, I

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Speaker 2: can dig that.

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Speaker 1: Right and I and you know, and I hear that,

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Speaker 1: and then I'm like, okay, wait, let me back up

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Speaker 1: and let me clarify for the people what anti social means,

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Speaker 1: because in the diagon gnostic world, psychology, psychological diagnostic world,

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Speaker 1: anti social also means that you're a person. It doesn't

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Speaker 1: mean like in pop culture, antisocial means I'm not a

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Speaker 1: social person, right, that I can go to my room

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Speaker 1: and I can be by myself. That's how we most

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Speaker 1: of us hear it. But in the psychological community, when

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Speaker 1: you say anti social, that means a person who is

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Speaker 1: constantly doing things to break the rules and violate the

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Speaker 1: rights of others.

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Speaker 3: Oh, I think Scarface?

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Speaker 2: Okay, I did not know that. Interesting.

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Speaker 1: So when you hear anti social personality disorder, it's a

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Speaker 1: person who doesn't have a who doesn't have any regard

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Speaker 1: for social norms.

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Speaker 2: Okay. Is it intentional like they're like, oh, I'm a

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Speaker 2: what the fuck with these people? Like this such crazy shit?

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Speaker 1: Or like it's more about I have these goals to

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Speaker 1: get something for myself and it doesn't matter whose rights

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Speaker 1: I violate to get that goal. That's why I say,

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Speaker 1: think think about the movie Scarface right in this context,

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Speaker 1: and oftentimes when people use the word anti social, they're

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Speaker 1: referring to a person who's the opposite of social, like

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Speaker 1: I don't like people.

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Speaker 2: I'm just like it's trying to stay away from people.

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Speaker 2: That's interesting. Now I cannot know that, And let me

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Speaker 2: know how you feel about this next one, because I

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Speaker 2: don't think I struggle with this, But it says when

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Speaker 2: people mistake your thoughtful look for resting bitch face.

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Speaker 3: Oh that is the worst.

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Speaker 1: Not me, okay, not me, But I say that's the

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Speaker 1: worst because I think of multiple people that I know

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Speaker 1: who people have told them, oh, you have resting bitch face.

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Speaker 1: And those people are some deep thinkers, like they are

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Speaker 1: very introspective. They don't feel like they have to constantly

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Speaker 1: be engaged with everybody.

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Speaker 3: Yeah.

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Speaker 2: Then the other one says, having visitors stay with you

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Speaker 2: is a nightmare because it means you have to be

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Speaker 2: on all times at all times.

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Speaker 3: See, that's where I get pushed more towards the extrovert

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Speaker 3: spectrum because I don't if I'm inviting someone to be

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Speaker 3: in my house, then I'm prepared to be on. Now,

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Speaker 3: i can't have you in my house for like three

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Speaker 3: weeks at a.

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Speaker 1: Time, and then I'm like by then, I'm like, oh, no,

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Speaker 1: I need some time to myself. But I will say, yeah,

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Speaker 1: that puts me more towards the extrovert spectrum. Okay, the

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Speaker 1: opposite is true when I'm visiting other people.

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Speaker 2: Oh, that's a good one.

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Speaker 1: So when I'm visiting other people, Yeah, at a certain point,

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Speaker 1: I want to be able to go into my room and.

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Speaker 3: Just kind of be by myself.

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Speaker 1: Yep, Like when I'm in it, when I'm on, I'm

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Speaker 1: fully present, but then I just need a little bit

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Speaker 1: of time, like at the end of the day, to

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Speaker 1: just kind of be by myself.

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Speaker 2: I understand that. I feel like I'm pretty much the

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Speaker 2: same way, but it depends on who the visitor is,

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Speaker 2: like who who's the group of people that I'm hanging

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Speaker 2: out with. So one of my girlfriends we hung out

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Speaker 2: one weekend and it was so dope because we both

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Speaker 2: had our laptops and we were just silently working and

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Speaker 2: I was like, yo, I fuck with you.

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Speaker 3: This was It was so dope.

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Speaker 2: I can't do that with everybody. Something right, And this

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Speaker 2: is no judgment. Some people feel the need to feel

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Speaker 2: every moment of silence, and for me, I'm like, I

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Speaker 2: need silence. I need to just think. I need to

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Speaker 2: just be in my thoughts, like that's just my thing,

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Speaker 2: that's what that's what I do. And so for me,

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Speaker 2: I think if it's a visitor where it's like my siblings,

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Speaker 2: where it's like I don't have to be on for you,

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Speaker 2: it's different. But if it's someone where I'm like I

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Speaker 2: have to be present, I have to be on I

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Speaker 2: have to kind of be a certain way. That's when

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Speaker 2: it gets exhausting for me.

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Speaker 3: And I don't want to.

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Speaker 1: So I know you and I are like really introverted,

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Speaker 1: and I'm more kind of closer towards the extroverts spectrum.

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Speaker 1: So I don't want to have our extroverts kind of

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Speaker 1: feeling left out, like kind of wondering like, oh.

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Speaker 3: There's no description of me in here.

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Speaker 1: So and I want to be clear that it's not

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Speaker 1: how we're just describing ourselves. Like if we're saying that,

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Speaker 1: we're not saying that an extrovert is the exact opposite

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Speaker 1: of that. Again, I want to remind us that it's

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Speaker 1: a spectrum. And so the extrovert, when you were saying,

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Speaker 1: like you're like I can sit in silence and work

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Speaker 1: with my homegirl and we just be We're just good.

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Speaker 1: The extrovert is the person who is gonna have that

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Speaker 1: need to engage. They are going to be that person

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Speaker 1: that needs to talk it out, and they're gonna be

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Speaker 1: that person who's also super expressive as well. And so

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Speaker 1: if you're that person who's like if we're getting together

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Speaker 1: to do school work or work work, whatever it is,

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Speaker 1: we're getting together to work on a project. If you're

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Speaker 1: that extrovert, you got to communicate with your introverted friends

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Speaker 1: so that you all can figure out what's gonna be

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Speaker 1: mutually beneficial. Because your introvert friend is going to be like,

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Speaker 1: shut the fuck ups, I can concentrate, yes, and the

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Speaker 1: extrovert friend is gonna be every little thing that comes

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Speaker 1: into their attention. They're gonna want to process out loud.

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Speaker 2: Yes. Oh gosh, now now don't have two more for you, Okay.

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Speaker 2: So the next one says that feeling of dread that

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Speaker 2: washes over you when the phone rings and you're not

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Speaker 2: mentally prepared to chat mmm or somebody just face time ya,

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Speaker 2: And I'm looking I'm looking at the phone like, yo,

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Speaker 2: did we schedule a FaceTime? Like why are you just

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Speaker 2: FaceTime randomly? I'm not interested in talking right now. That

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Speaker 2: that happens, that happens for sure, That.

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Speaker 1: Doesn't necessarily happen for me. What, but you know what,

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Speaker 1: I take steps ahead of time to prevent that. So

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Speaker 1: I'll have my phone on silent and have it away

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Speaker 1: so that way, like I'm not even worried about like

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Speaker 1: if I'm trying to have some solitude, like my phone

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Speaker 1: is put down and it's on silent, so that I

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Speaker 1: don't have to worry about that dread or that anxiety,

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Speaker 1: like because then my fear becomes, oh, what if they

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Speaker 1: know that I'm like ignoring their call. Well, no, if

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Speaker 1: my phone is put away, I don't have to worry

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Speaker 1: about that. Right, I'm in my moment, I'm focusing. Or

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Speaker 1: if we think back to how we can be practice

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Speaker 1: our assertiveness skills. If I'm not ready for the phone call,

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Speaker 1: I can pick up and I can say, hey, I'm

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Speaker 1: in the middle of something, let me call you back.

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Speaker 3: Right.

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Speaker 2: That works? That makes sense? And what about the last

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Speaker 2: one when you're trying to get something done at work

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Speaker 2: but you can't because everyone else is talking?

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Speaker 1: Okay, okay, So for me, I have my own office,

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Speaker 1: so excuse me.

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Speaker 2: Hold up, hold up, we just got cause humble bag, y'all,

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Speaker 2: y'all catch that little stuff right there. I have my

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Speaker 2: own office, Okay.

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Speaker 3: Dom, I'm trying to get my own girl.

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Speaker 2: That would be amazing.

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Speaker 1: Well, when you're a therapist, you need that privacy and confidence,

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Speaker 1: so by default I have to have my own office.

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Speaker 1: I wish I could have that brag like girl, I'm

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Speaker 1: on it right office.

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Speaker 2: Not even not even I have to wait one more joke,

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Speaker 2: you bougie.

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Speaker 3: Now go check that episode out. Go check it out.

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Speaker 1: So I have that privilege by nature of what I do,

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Speaker 1: so I can close my door. So that's an easy

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Speaker 1: way that I don't have to deal. I just have

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Speaker 1: to you know, you just have to be clear and used.

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Speaker 1: For the most part, people respect that. Like when the

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Speaker 1: door is closed, they get because my door usually is open,

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Speaker 1: So if it's closed, they know she's in sesshit or

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Speaker 1: she's doing something.

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Speaker 3: If I need her, I'm gonna knock. If I can wait,

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Speaker 3: It'll wait.

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Speaker 2: That's so dope. That sounds amazing. I wish I have

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Speaker 2: my own office. I do so I work okay when

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Speaker 2: I'm trying to work, Like, I am very sensitive to noise,

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Speaker 2: and so if there's like any noise, especially if somebody

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Speaker 2: is smacking, chewing on something like that will drive me insane.

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Speaker 2: People talking, it's a big distraction because I just pick

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Speaker 2: up on everything. I'm like very sensitive to sound, and

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Speaker 2: so I usually have on like Bose headphones and I'm

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Speaker 2: just like they're noise canceling. So I'm just like have

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Speaker 2: I have like jazz or beach or meditation music playing

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Speaker 2: to like drown everything out and I'm just grinding out

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Speaker 2: because that's what I need. So yes, that one definitely meets. Yeah,

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Speaker 2: one of the criteria for the problems that I experience

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Speaker 2: as an introverted extrovert, I'll say yes.

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Speaker 1: And I was gonna say that puts you because you

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Speaker 1: are someone who can be easily distracted, but you're also

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Speaker 1: action oriented. Those are qualities of an extrovert. So then again,

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Speaker 1: just to remind us about the spectrum that that means

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Speaker 1: that you were not one hundred percent on the introverted side,

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Speaker 1: that that pushes you closer towards being an extrovert.

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Speaker 2: That sounds about right. I would definitely agree with that.

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Speaker 2: So I found that this really interesting article. There's a

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Speaker 2: blog called Quiet Revolution Unlocking the Power of Introverts blog,

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Speaker 2: and that's a black girl magic. Nicole Nichols wrote a

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Speaker 2: post called four lessons I've learned as an introverted Black Girl.

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Speaker 2: So I just want to quickly run through some of

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Speaker 2: these because I think it's really interesting for you, lady.

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Speaker 2: So number one, regardless of how it may seem, I'm

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Speaker 2: not alone. There are more of us out there than

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Speaker 2: I thought. And I feel like in recent years more

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Speaker 2: conversations around being introverted and getting your energy from being

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Speaker 2: alone have been sparked, and people are just having that conversation.

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Speaker 2: I think Brennan Brown must I think she did like

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Speaker 2: a Ted talk on that or someone's it her. I

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Speaker 2: don't know she did vulnerability, but I think she also.

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Speaker 1: Did one on where you really derive.

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Speaker 2: Your energy from exactly there we go. And I feel

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Speaker 2: like after that especially people have had the conversation. So

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Speaker 2: now it's like, Okay, more people are talking about it.

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Speaker 2: I'm not alone. This is a thing. It's not just

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Speaker 2: me being weird. You know. People were like if they

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Speaker 2: don't understand something like you're weird, dear this, It's like, no,

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Speaker 2: this is.

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Speaker 1: A thing, right, And there's and so there's some comfort

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Speaker 1: in knowing that there are other people that can relate

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Speaker 1: to you.

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Speaker 2: Yes. So the second one is since our personality type

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Speaker 2: is opposite of loud, irreverent black woman stereotype, many people

399
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Speaker 2: are perplexed by us. And it makes me think about

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Speaker 2: what you said about one of your friends where it's

401
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Speaker 2: like she just in her head, just doing her own

402
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Speaker 2: thing and deep thought and I'm like that often as well,

403
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Speaker 2: and people will see you when it's like, oh, she's

404
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:31,560
Speaker 2: not communicating with me, or she's not smiling, or you know,

405
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Speaker 2: it's like black woman stereotype kind of thing. I know,

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Speaker 2: we're gonna get into one of these tweets that we saw, but.

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Speaker 1: You don't fall into that loud, boisterous stereotype, and that's okay.

408
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Speaker 1: I think the thing to take into consideration is that one,

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Speaker 1: we are so much more than that, that we are

410
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Speaker 1: not monolithic. That like most things in life, there is variety.

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Speaker 1: There is a spectrum that some of us are going

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Speaker 1: to be loud and that's okay, and then others of

413
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Speaker 1: us are going to be super quiet and really introverted

414
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Speaker 1: and not say anything. But the majority of us actually,

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Speaker 1: if we think about like that bell shaped curve, most

416
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Speaker 1: of us fall right in the middle. So if we say,

417
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Speaker 1: like if we're looking at it and it's like one

418
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Speaker 1: hundred point scale and zero means you're an introvert and

419
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Speaker 1: one hundred means you're an extrovert, the majority of us

420
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Speaker 1: fall between that spectrum of probably I would say about

421
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Speaker 1: twenty five to seventy five. That's where the majority of

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Speaker 1: us fall. So there's room for all of us to

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Speaker 1: be to be within that and not have that expectation

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Speaker 1: that all of us are supposed to be extroverted and

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Speaker 1: if we're not, something's wrong with us exactly.

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Speaker 2: And that leads us into the third one, which says

427
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Speaker 2: people assume we're blank slates and they feel in preconceived

428
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Speaker 2: blanks as they see fit, and then she goes on

429
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Speaker 2: to say they call it fixing us, among other things.

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Speaker 2: There's this shell that I'm supposedly in, and it seems

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Speaker 2: to bother people if they think I'm too far into it.

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Speaker 2: And it's just like, no, people are just different, Like

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Speaker 2: we just express ourselves differently. And I know sometimes I

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Speaker 2: have a group of friends and they're very extroverted and

435
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:37,239
Speaker 2: we're not. We're not like super super close. It's more

436
00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,000
Speaker 2: like professional friends, I guess you could say. And sometimes

437
00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:42,440
Speaker 2: being around them is it's fun, but it's like very

438
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,719
Speaker 2: exhausting for me. So I typically in that group will

439
00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:47,720
Speaker 2: kind of take the back sort of background person, so

440
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,920
Speaker 2: I'm like chiming in as I see fit, but they're

441
00:23:49,960 --> 00:23:53,520
Speaker 2: just like really really they're just really really engaged, and

442
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:55,080
Speaker 2: I'm just like, Okay, this is a lot for me.

443
00:23:55,320 --> 00:23:57,240
Speaker 2: And so they may look at me like, oh, something's wrong,

444
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,680
Speaker 2: but it's like, no, I'm just I'm just I'm you know,

445
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:01,760
Speaker 2: observing and just do my thing.

446
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:06,359
Speaker 1: And to me, like, there's a difference between someone who

447
00:24:06,480 --> 00:24:11,399
Speaker 1: is introverted and someone who has social anxiety. Now, someone

448
00:24:11,400 --> 00:24:14,600
Speaker 1: who has social anxiety may be introverted, but our introvert

449
00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:16,159
Speaker 1: doesn't have to have social anxiety.

450
00:24:16,160 --> 00:24:17,440
Speaker 3: I'm gonna say that one more time because I know

451
00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:18,240
Speaker 3: I said that fast.

452
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:24,040
Speaker 1: There's a difference between being introverted and having social anxiety.

453
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:30,239
Speaker 1: The person who has social anxiety chances are introverted. But

454
00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:33,840
Speaker 1: just because you're an introvert does not mean that you

455
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:38,400
Speaker 1: have social anxiety. And so just because someone is introverted,

456
00:24:39,320 --> 00:24:42,840
Speaker 1: there's no pathology there, and even social anxiety is not

457
00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:48,520
Speaker 1: it shouldn't be pathologized. There are different experiences, and we'll

458
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,920
Speaker 1: dive into an upcoming episode where we like really dive

459
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,439
Speaker 1: into social anxiety so we can get a sense of

460
00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,680
Speaker 1: how different it really is.

461
00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:00,800
Speaker 2: That's a good one, don And the last one that

462
00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:04,680
Speaker 2: Nicole shares is quiet confidence is still confidence. I love

463
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,840
Speaker 2: this one, and she says introverts are some of the

464
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:08,879
Speaker 2: most self aware people on the face of the earth.

465
00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:13,520
Speaker 2: Snap snap, Okay, we get plenty of opportunities to elevate ourselves,

466
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:16,159
Speaker 2: especially because we have so many people who are concerned

467
00:25:16,160 --> 00:25:18,479
Speaker 2: about our confidence level and let us know that they

468
00:25:18,520 --> 00:25:20,720
Speaker 2: don't think it's quite where it should be. And I

469
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:23,200
Speaker 2: think that's true. Quiet confidence is still confidence, and I

470
00:25:23,240 --> 00:25:26,560
Speaker 2: think it's still a beautiful thing. And I love this

471
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:27,280
Speaker 2: post that she wrote.

472
00:25:27,280 --> 00:25:30,920
Speaker 1: A shout out to Nicole, right, yes, shout out to

473
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:35,040
Speaker 1: her from making sure that we understand that there is

474
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:40,880
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with being an introvert, because again, introversion does

475
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,320
Speaker 1: not mean that you're shy, does not mean that you

476
00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 1: have social anxiety, does not.

477
00:25:46,720 --> 00:25:50,280
Speaker 3: Mean that you don't like people. It's about where do

478
00:25:50,320 --> 00:25:52,960
Speaker 3: you derive your energy from.

479
00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,840
Speaker 2: There you go, And before we touch on some tips

480
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,520
Speaker 2: for introverts and some personality tests you can take if

481
00:26:00,560 --> 00:26:03,840
Speaker 2: you want to learn more about which sort of side

482
00:26:03,880 --> 00:26:05,720
Speaker 2: you're leaning toward, I want to say, as far as

483
00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:08,439
Speaker 2: the introvert and extrovert spectrum, I want to talk a

484
00:26:08,440 --> 00:26:11,760
Speaker 2: bit about this tweet that I saw and there was

485
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:14,640
Speaker 2: this conversation going that just like took off. Now, Dom,

486
00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,280
Speaker 2: I don't know if you want to pronounce this woman's name,

487
00:26:17,320 --> 00:26:20,560
Speaker 2: because I might butcher it, but I believe. Okay, I'm

488
00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,600
Speaker 2: I'm gonna try it. Insists if we mispronounce your name,

489
00:26:23,640 --> 00:26:26,440
Speaker 2: I apologize. I think it's is it Noma?

490
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:28,200
Speaker 3: I think it's normal.

491
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,800
Speaker 2: Okay, it looks like Nomah. I hope it's Noma. Hope

492
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,760
Speaker 2: it's right. But what she said in her tweet was

493
00:26:33,119 --> 00:26:36,200
Speaker 2: black women are not allowed to be introverts in professional

494
00:26:36,280 --> 00:26:39,359
Speaker 2: settings and that shit is draining. And basically the thread

495
00:26:39,400 --> 00:26:42,880
Speaker 2: goes on to talk about how, you know, we oftentimes

496
00:26:42,920 --> 00:26:45,760
Speaker 2: as black women, because of the stereotypes associated with being

497
00:26:45,760 --> 00:26:48,560
Speaker 2: a black woman, we are expected to be smiling and

498
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:52,000
Speaker 2: making people comfortable, and you know, not we don't have

499
00:26:52,040 --> 00:26:54,200
Speaker 2: the luxury of being deep in thought and maybe having

500
00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,240
Speaker 2: whatever expression we have on our face because we're deep

501
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,480
Speaker 2: in thought. Because we got to make people comfortable, and

502
00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:00,600
Speaker 2: we got to be on and we got to be

503
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:03,199
Speaker 2: engaging in conversation and be boisterous and be this and

504
00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,040
Speaker 2: be that. And it's like, I'm just trying to be

505
00:27:05,119 --> 00:27:08,400
Speaker 2: my damn self and get my energy where it's coming from.

506
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:12,159
Speaker 2: And there's this expectation that's very draining to be on

507
00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:13,119
Speaker 2: for people.

508
00:27:15,480 --> 00:27:18,000
Speaker 1: And I think her thread kind of taps into what

509
00:27:18,119 --> 00:27:22,640
Speaker 1: we've been talking about all along, that like this expectation

510
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:26,119
Speaker 1: of black women to show up in the world in

511
00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,400
Speaker 1: a way that makes the people around us feel comfortable,

512
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:32,960
Speaker 1: and if we're not showing up in that way, then

513
00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:38,320
Speaker 1: there must be something wrong with us. And I think

514
00:27:38,359 --> 00:27:41,520
Speaker 1: that it also allows us to kind of revisit things

515
00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:44,119
Speaker 1: that we've talked about in the past on the show,

516
00:27:44,359 --> 00:27:47,840
Speaker 1: that we have a right to advocate for ourselves. We

517
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:52,040
Speaker 1: have a right to set boundaries for ourselves, and we

518
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:56,960
Speaker 1: don't have to live up to anybody's expectations.

519
00:27:56,359 --> 00:27:57,040
Speaker 3: But our own.

520
00:27:58,440 --> 00:28:01,640
Speaker 1: And so when it comes to being in the workplace,

521
00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:04,960
Speaker 1: we can set those boundaries for ourselves.

522
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:05,200
Speaker 3: Right.

523
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,240
Speaker 1: We can assert ourselves and we can say, you know

524
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,720
Speaker 1: what this is who I am. Know that because of

525
00:28:10,760 --> 00:28:14,359
Speaker 1: that quiet confidence. When you need me to give a presentation,

526
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:18,280
Speaker 1: I got you. When you need me to represent the

527
00:28:18,359 --> 00:28:21,960
Speaker 1: office at this networking event, I got you. But know

528
00:28:22,119 --> 00:28:25,840
Speaker 1: that you cannot expect me to do the presentation that

529
00:28:26,000 --> 00:28:30,760
Speaker 1: lasts two hours, followed up by a four hour networking event,

530
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:35,480
Speaker 1: followed up by two three other things that require socializing,

531
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:40,440
Speaker 1: because I'm gonna be drained and at some point towards

532
00:28:40,440 --> 00:28:43,880
Speaker 1: the end, my energy's gonna fall off, and that might

533
00:28:43,920 --> 00:28:47,720
Speaker 1: affect my job performance. And so I'm gonna set the

534
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:52,479
Speaker 1: boundaries so that you know, here's how and when I

535
00:28:52,560 --> 00:28:56,360
Speaker 1: am able to show up, and here's where I need

536
00:28:56,400 --> 00:29:00,360
Speaker 1: to take care of self and say, okay, I will,

537
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:03,880
Speaker 1: I will do the presentation on this day, and then

538
00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,840
Speaker 1: I need an hour or so to walk away, to

539
00:29:07,920 --> 00:29:10,720
Speaker 1: step away to regain some of that energy.

540
00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:13,920
Speaker 2: There you go, And if you're listening, you're wondering, you

541
00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:18,480
Speaker 2: know which sort of personality you are leaning toward. I

542
00:29:18,520 --> 00:29:21,440
Speaker 2: do want to recommend a few I've taken these tests myself,

543
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:24,240
Speaker 2: and I found in my personal journey of exploration and

544
00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:26,520
Speaker 2: just getting to know who I am and learning you know,

545
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:29,720
Speaker 2: what careers I might be better suited for, personality tests

546
00:29:29,760 --> 00:29:31,640
Speaker 2: have been game changes for me. And I found that

547
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:35,480
Speaker 2: I believe, I guess I answer all the questions honestly

548
00:29:35,520 --> 00:29:37,600
Speaker 2: that are required for you to get your type, because

549
00:29:37,720 --> 00:29:41,600
Speaker 2: I typically resonate so deeply with the results. And so

550
00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,640
Speaker 2: the first one is the Meyers Briggs, and the Meyers

551
00:29:44,680 --> 00:29:49,160
Speaker 2: Briggs is an introspective self report questionnaire and the purpose

552
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:54,200
Speaker 2: of this test is to indicate differing psychological preferences in

553
00:29:54,240 --> 00:29:58,000
Speaker 2: how people perceive the world around them and make decisions.

554
00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,680
Speaker 2: So when I took this test, I found that I

555
00:30:00,760 --> 00:30:03,320
Speaker 2: was I in FJ, but I was very close. Like

556
00:30:03,360 --> 00:30:06,440
Speaker 2: I was literally like fifty to fifty introvert extrovert. It

557
00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:09,040
Speaker 2: could have skewed to extrovert depending on the day, but

558
00:30:09,160 --> 00:30:11,920
Speaker 2: it was very close. And for me, that spoke to

559
00:30:12,320 --> 00:30:14,240
Speaker 2: a lot of what we talked about today. I was like, Okay,

560
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:16,360
Speaker 2: this is where I fit on that spectrum. And I

561
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:19,280
Speaker 2: found that finding that test allowed me, or completing that

562
00:30:19,360 --> 00:30:21,920
Speaker 2: test allowed me to figure out which careers I might

563
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:24,280
Speaker 2: be suited for. It allowed me to just get a

564
00:30:24,320 --> 00:30:27,680
Speaker 2: better understanding of myself and also how to communicate who

565
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:29,640
Speaker 2: I am to other people, because I didn't have language

566
00:30:29,640 --> 00:30:31,320
Speaker 2: for this prior to take in the test. And when

567
00:30:31,360 --> 00:30:33,360
Speaker 2: I took it, I was like, oh, so I'm not

568
00:30:33,440 --> 00:30:34,920
Speaker 2: just a weirdo. I mean, I am a weirdo and

569
00:30:34,960 --> 00:30:37,840
Speaker 2: I'm cool with that, but like, there's more to my

570
00:30:38,800 --> 00:30:42,960
Speaker 2: desire for solitude and need for quiet, and this explains

571
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:43,520
Speaker 2: more of that.

572
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:46,640
Speaker 1: So when you took that test, how did you come

573
00:30:46,680 --> 00:30:48,880
Speaker 1: about how did you come in contact with being able

574
00:30:48,920 --> 00:30:49,800
Speaker 1: to take this test?

575
00:30:50,000 --> 00:30:52,840
Speaker 2: Yeah? So, actually the college I went to they had

576
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:55,080
Speaker 2: a career center, and I was a met crescenter all

577
00:30:55,080 --> 00:30:57,080
Speaker 2: the time, trying to get help and tweak my resume

578
00:30:57,120 --> 00:30:59,160
Speaker 2: and all that, and they encouraged us to take the

579
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:01,640
Speaker 2: Meyers brigs learn more about our personality types so we

580
00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:04,920
Speaker 2: can map ourselves to potential careers.

581
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,840
Speaker 1: And so one of the things that I want us

582
00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:09,000
Speaker 1: to be sure about is that as you're trying to

583
00:31:09,040 --> 00:31:12,600
Speaker 1: figure this out, if you want to kind of test

584
00:31:12,640 --> 00:31:17,479
Speaker 1: yourself and find out more information, there's oftentimes, and especially

585
00:31:17,480 --> 00:31:21,640
Speaker 1: if you're on Facebook or any other social media platform,

586
00:31:21,920 --> 00:31:26,400
Speaker 1: there's always questions about, oh, take this personality quiz.

587
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:30,120
Speaker 3: Please know that those.

588
00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:37,400
Speaker 1: Instruments are not accurate measures valid measures of your personality.

589
00:31:37,920 --> 00:31:41,240
Speaker 1: So you Terry, you took the test at a career

590
00:31:41,320 --> 00:31:46,320
Speaker 1: center on your college campus. That means that that test

591
00:31:46,680 --> 00:31:53,200
Speaker 1: was licensed to that career center and monitored by assessed

592
00:31:53,240 --> 00:31:57,920
Speaker 1: by professionals who are trained to have a conversation with

593
00:31:58,000 --> 00:31:59,880
Speaker 1: you afterwards about what.

594
00:31:59,760 --> 00:32:01,640
Speaker 3: Those results really mean.

595
00:32:02,400 --> 00:32:06,760
Speaker 1: And so if you're really looking to get an accurate assessment,

596
00:32:08,120 --> 00:32:11,760
Speaker 1: visit your college career center. If you aren't in a

597
00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:15,880
Speaker 1: college setting, maybe your job has a career center or

598
00:32:15,960 --> 00:32:19,520
Speaker 1: the HR office may have access to these things, but

599
00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:22,400
Speaker 1: make sure that you're using the services of a professional.

600
00:32:23,200 --> 00:32:24,920
Speaker 2: I would totally agree with that Down because I know

601
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:26,560
Speaker 2: there are so many if you google it, there are

602
00:32:26,560 --> 00:32:29,080
Speaker 2: so many like free options, and that it might not

603
00:32:29,160 --> 00:32:32,760
Speaker 2: give you the best results of yafinite Listen to take

604
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:35,560
Speaker 2: Down's advice on that one. Now, the second test was

605
00:32:35,680 --> 00:32:38,320
Speaker 2: a test called the Berkman And this was something that

606
00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:40,239
Speaker 2: one of my coaches, one of my life coaches, had

607
00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:41,800
Speaker 2: advised me to take when I was trying to figure

608
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:43,640
Speaker 2: out what the hell am I doing with my life?

609
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:46,080
Speaker 2: And like who am I? And so the Berkman map

610
00:32:46,200 --> 00:32:49,600
Speaker 2: symbols derived from a multitude of factors that are measured,

611
00:32:49,640 --> 00:32:53,880
Speaker 2: including interests, behaviors, and needs, and they represent a unique

612
00:32:53,880 --> 00:32:57,200
Speaker 2: aspect with regard to one's approach, style and areas of motivation.

613
00:32:57,560 --> 00:32:59,360
Speaker 2: So again, if you're trying to dive in deeper and

614
00:32:59,440 --> 00:33:02,920
Speaker 2: like who am I? What motivates me? What path might

615
00:33:02,920 --> 00:33:06,080
Speaker 2: be suitable for me? That's also a good test. Now,

616
00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:10,040
Speaker 2: the last test is called the disc and the DISC

617
00:33:10,120 --> 00:33:12,200
Speaker 2: profile is actually a test that I took at my

618
00:33:12,320 --> 00:33:16,040
Speaker 2: current job, and it's published by Wiley and it's a

619
00:33:16,120 --> 00:33:21,560
Speaker 2: non judgmental tool used for discussion of people's behavioral differences.

620
00:33:21,840 --> 00:33:24,040
Speaker 2: And the cool thing about this is if you ideally,

621
00:33:24,160 --> 00:33:26,400
Speaker 2: folks will take it in the workplace with other people,

622
00:33:26,800 --> 00:33:29,480
Speaker 2: and the profile can help you improve your working relationships

623
00:33:29,480 --> 00:33:32,440
Speaker 2: by telling you, Okay, person a, this is how they

624
00:33:32,520 --> 00:33:35,200
Speaker 2: think about conflict and this is what motivates them. Now,

625
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:37,160
Speaker 2: if you're trying to communicate with person A based on

626
00:33:37,200 --> 00:33:39,720
Speaker 2: your personality type, this is how you should communicate. So

627
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:43,200
Speaker 2: it's actually very effective when it's used properly. It also

628
00:33:43,240 --> 00:33:46,400
Speaker 2: helps you learn more about what motivates you, what causes

629
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:49,600
Speaker 2: you stress, how to solve problems, and much much more.

630
00:33:50,120 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 1: And I think that why these tests are so often

631
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:58,920
Speaker 1: utilized in career centers and in the workplaces because they

632
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:05,920
Speaker 1: were developed by personality psychologists but also industrial organizational psychologists

633
00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:09,960
Speaker 1: who their specialty is figuring out ways to.

634
00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 3: Enhance the workplace.

635
00:34:11,960 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 1: And so these psychologists know that if people have an

636
00:34:17,160 --> 00:34:22,640
Speaker 1: understanding of each other's personalities, they can figure out how

637
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:27,359
Speaker 1: to navigate a work situation to create a good end

638
00:34:27,400 --> 00:34:29,279
Speaker 1: product for the overall organization.

639
00:34:29,640 --> 00:34:32,280
Speaker 2: Exactly because you know, it's left to our own devices.

640
00:34:32,280 --> 00:34:33,960
Speaker 2: If wont know how to communicate with someone, that can

641
00:34:34,000 --> 00:34:36,520
Speaker 2: get very get very ugly, very quickly.

642
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:37,160
Speaker 1: Yes. Yes.

643
00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:38,719
Speaker 2: So now what we want to do is we want

644
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:43,080
Speaker 2: to empower you with some tips for how you can

645
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:47,000
Speaker 2: navigate this world that's been built for extroverts. As an introvert, right,

646
00:34:47,280 --> 00:34:50,040
Speaker 2: and so we're definitely gearing. We've talked a little bit

647
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:53,440
Speaker 2: about the extroverted lifestyle, but we do really live in

648
00:34:53,440 --> 00:34:56,840
Speaker 2: a world that's pretty much that caters to that style.

649
00:34:56,920 --> 00:34:58,720
Speaker 2: And I think some of us have kind of tried

650
00:34:58,760 --> 00:35:01,319
Speaker 2: to become that to fit the mold. But a lot

651
00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:03,520
Speaker 2: of people are introverts and I feel like we've learned

652
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,879
Speaker 2: that as we continue to learn more information about this

653
00:35:05,960 --> 00:35:10,000
Speaker 2: personality type. And so the first tip is to communicate.

654
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:12,320
Speaker 2: Communication is key, and I think the more that you

655
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:15,760
Speaker 2: learn about yourself, whether it's personality tests or reading books.

656
00:35:15,760 --> 00:35:18,000
Speaker 2: I know Susan Kine think she did a TED talk

657
00:35:18,040 --> 00:35:20,360
Speaker 2: about being an introvert, and we use her quote today.

658
00:35:20,960 --> 00:35:24,799
Speaker 2: When you have language for your you know your I

659
00:35:24,800 --> 00:35:27,440
Speaker 2: want to say, disposition of personality type. It allows you

660
00:35:27,480 --> 00:35:30,040
Speaker 2: to communicate your needs to other people. Now, I remember

661
00:35:30,080 --> 00:35:32,200
Speaker 2: when my husband and I were in grad school and

662
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,799
Speaker 2: we started dating. He was like, what is wrong with

663
00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:37,960
Speaker 2: this girl? Because I always need I was like, you know,

664
00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:40,239
Speaker 2: you're great, Like I like you and everything, but I

665
00:35:40,239 --> 00:35:42,080
Speaker 2: need time. I just want to I love to spend

666
00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:44,520
Speaker 2: hours by myself, and that was how I got my energy.

667
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:46,840
Speaker 2: I was like journaling and I used to have me

668
00:35:46,920 --> 00:35:49,720
Speaker 2: a bomb as time by myself. And he just couldn't understand.

669
00:35:49,760 --> 00:35:52,400
Speaker 2: He's like, wait, so you're telling me you want us

670
00:35:52,440 --> 00:35:54,160
Speaker 2: to not hang out because you want to go just

671
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,480
Speaker 2: chill in the room by yourself and light candles and

672
00:35:56,480 --> 00:35:58,839
Speaker 2: be in the dark. And I was just like, yeah,

673
00:35:58,840 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 2: that actually sounds amazing. So being able to get language

674
00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:04,200
Speaker 2: for myself to explain to him and send him articles

675
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:05,919
Speaker 2: even so now he gets it, he's like, oh, okay,

676
00:36:05,920 --> 00:36:07,600
Speaker 2: I get it. You need your time. Cool, but he

677
00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,600
Speaker 2: didn't understand it in the beginning. And so being able

678
00:36:09,600 --> 00:36:12,480
Speaker 2: to also empower the people around you and let them

679
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:15,440
Speaker 2: know this is how I am. I told my manager

680
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:17,680
Speaker 2: the same thing, Like when I started the new role

681
00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:19,400
Speaker 2: I was in, I was like, hey, I may have

682
00:36:19,440 --> 00:36:21,520
Speaker 2: my headphones on at my desk. I'm not you know

683
00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:25,080
Speaker 2: antisocials that I used. I was like, I just I'm

684
00:36:25,160 --> 00:36:27,239
Speaker 2: very sensitive to noise. I work best when I have

685
00:36:27,239 --> 00:36:29,680
Speaker 2: acquiring environment. So if you guys need me, just send

686
00:36:29,680 --> 00:36:32,440
Speaker 2: me a message or tap me. It's cool. So communicating

687
00:36:32,480 --> 00:36:34,520
Speaker 2: allows other folks to get clarity.

688
00:36:34,680 --> 00:36:35,520
Speaker 3: I couldn't have studied.

689
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:42,720
Speaker 1: So tip number two, keeping conversation starters in your phone

690
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:45,640
Speaker 1: or in your wallet. And so I think that you

691
00:36:45,640 --> 00:36:50,520
Speaker 1: know our extroverts, I know you all are gregarious, like

692
00:36:50,600 --> 00:36:54,160
Speaker 1: you all are just constantly like thinking out loud, so

693
00:36:54,239 --> 00:36:57,319
Speaker 1: you don't have a problem with figuring out how to

694
00:36:57,360 --> 00:37:01,359
Speaker 1: make small talk or how to dive deep right away, right.

695
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:05,920
Speaker 1: But our folks that are closer on the introverted spectrum,

696
00:37:06,200 --> 00:37:14,400
Speaker 1: sometimes small talk or just initiating conversation can be so hard,

697
00:37:15,239 --> 00:37:18,560
Speaker 1: and that can cause anxiety. That and like I said,

698
00:37:18,600 --> 00:37:20,359
Speaker 1: we'll have a whole other episode where we talk about

699
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:23,160
Speaker 1: social anxiety. But that is a big issue for a

700
00:37:23,200 --> 00:37:26,440
Speaker 1: lot of folks who have social anxiety and our folks

701
00:37:26,440 --> 00:37:29,680
Speaker 1: who are just introverted. And so I think this idea

702
00:37:29,960 --> 00:37:34,120
Speaker 1: of in your phone and you don't have to be

703
00:37:34,239 --> 00:37:36,879
Speaker 1: on your phone in the moment and say, okay, wait,

704
00:37:37,239 --> 00:37:38,920
Speaker 1: let me think of these Let me pull it up

705
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:40,960
Speaker 1: and let me look at these five things.

706
00:37:41,480 --> 00:37:42,760
Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be that awkward.

707
00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:46,719
Speaker 1: Before you walk into the room, you glance at your

708
00:37:46,760 --> 00:37:50,759
Speaker 1: phone and come up with you know, you look at

709
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:53,839
Speaker 1: your list of questions, pick two questions that you want

710
00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:57,200
Speaker 1: to ask someone to kind of get the conversation started.

711
00:37:57,400 --> 00:37:59,040
Speaker 2: That is my go to dim. I used to keep

712
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:00,960
Speaker 2: this little piece of paper my wallet, but I now

713
00:38:01,040 --> 00:38:03,360
Speaker 2: use my notepad and my phone. And there's a book

714
00:38:03,400 --> 00:38:06,480
Speaker 2: called The Fine Art of Small Talk by Deborah Fine,

715
00:38:06,760 --> 00:38:08,840
Speaker 2: and she has some really great questions on like what

716
00:38:09,040 --> 00:38:11,640
Speaker 2: questions to ask in different settings, and so that's my

717
00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:13,600
Speaker 2: goal to I still use some of those questions to

718
00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:15,120
Speaker 2: this day. When you're in a you know, it might

719
00:38:15,160 --> 00:38:16,560
Speaker 2: be like in an elevator, you might be in a

720
00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:18,640
Speaker 2: networking event and you're like, oh shit, this is awkward.

721
00:38:18,840 --> 00:38:20,680
Speaker 2: I don't know what to say they're standing there. I

722
00:38:20,760 --> 00:38:22,960
Speaker 2: like to just feel a bit more empowered and prepare myself.

723
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:25,640
Speaker 2: So I'll go through those questions seamlessly, Like you said,

724
00:38:25,840 --> 00:38:28,239
Speaker 2: pick out two, have a conversation, and you get to go.

725
00:38:28,840 --> 00:38:32,760
Speaker 1: And I think that leads into our third tip about

726
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:36,799
Speaker 1: setting networking goals when you're at events, so you have

727
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:40,439
Speaker 1: your questions already lined up, right, So maybe your goal

728
00:38:40,520 --> 00:38:46,239
Speaker 1: can be I'm going to ask two people two questions.

729
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:53,000
Speaker 1: It's that I mean it sounds simple, and it really

730
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:54,960
Speaker 1: can be that simple.

731
00:38:55,719 --> 00:38:56,319
Speaker 3: And maybe if.

732
00:38:56,239 --> 00:38:58,319
Speaker 1: You're feeling super ambitious, you can say, you know what,

733
00:38:58,920 --> 00:39:00,919
Speaker 1: this is a room full of hung of people. Maybe

734
00:39:00,960 --> 00:39:03,879
Speaker 1: I'm up that number and I'm going to ask ten

735
00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:07,200
Speaker 1: different people two questions. And you don't have to come

736
00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:10,120
Speaker 1: up with twenty questions. You use those same two questions

737
00:39:10,400 --> 00:39:14,279
Speaker 1: and you work your way around the room. But set

738
00:39:14,320 --> 00:39:17,640
Speaker 1: a couple of goals for yourself to force you to

739
00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:19,960
Speaker 1: kind of interact with people.

740
00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:21,839
Speaker 2: That's what I did. So I went to afro Tech

741
00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:23,520
Speaker 2: last year, and if you don't know about afro Tech,

742
00:39:23,520 --> 00:39:25,000
Speaker 2: you have to google afro Tech. But it was just

743
00:39:25,040 --> 00:39:30,440
Speaker 2: an amazing, amazing tech conference in San Francisco with thousands

744
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:33,600
Speaker 2: of just brilliant black people. Just dope, ask black people everywhere.

745
00:39:33,719 --> 00:39:35,400
Speaker 2: And I set goals before I went, because I know

746
00:39:35,440 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 2: I get anxious in settings with like a lot of people.

747
00:39:37,520 --> 00:39:40,400
Speaker 2: In general, conferences are great but also overwhelming, And so

748
00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:41,840
Speaker 2: I set a goal to like, all right, I'm going

749
00:39:41,880 --> 00:39:43,479
Speaker 2: to meet with five people, but I want to build

750
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:46,160
Speaker 2: genuine connections with them. I mean, I don't want to

751
00:39:46,160 --> 00:39:48,719
Speaker 2: talk about the weather and you know, random shit. I'm like,

752
00:39:48,840 --> 00:39:50,799
Speaker 2: I want to talk about legacy and like, what are

753
00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:52,719
Speaker 2: your life goals? Like I want to dig all deep

754
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:54,600
Speaker 2: and sometimes it can be weird and you just meet

755
00:39:54,600 --> 00:39:56,399
Speaker 2: someone diving in that deep. So coming in with those

756
00:39:56,480 --> 00:39:59,840
Speaker 2: questions prepared and being able to meet those goals or

757
00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,440
Speaker 2: those goals where you make genuine connections. That's that's kind

758
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:05,040
Speaker 2: of like an example of the goal that I set

759
00:40:05,080 --> 00:40:07,680
Speaker 2: when I go to conferences, And that takes us to

760
00:40:07,800 --> 00:40:11,080
Speaker 2: number four, which is visualization. I used to be so

761
00:40:11,320 --> 00:40:15,279
Speaker 2: scared of public speaking and networking, and I really used

762
00:40:15,360 --> 00:40:17,520
Speaker 2: visualization a lot in the beginning of my journey. I

763
00:40:17,520 --> 00:40:19,319
Speaker 2: still use it today, but not as much, but it's

764
00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:21,799
Speaker 2: been super helpful. And for me, that just looks like me,

765
00:40:22,280 --> 00:40:23,840
Speaker 2: you know, I set those goals that I have for

766
00:40:23,880 --> 00:40:27,759
Speaker 2: the networking event, and then visualization looks like me imagining

767
00:40:27,760 --> 00:40:30,040
Speaker 2: myself achieving those goals. So maybe like the night before

768
00:40:30,080 --> 00:40:31,919
Speaker 2: the event, I'm just you know, I close my eyes,

769
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:34,560
Speaker 2: I might meditate and just see myself being successful, being

770
00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:38,400
Speaker 2: confident in the situation, interacting with people, building genuine connections.

771
00:40:38,680 --> 00:40:40,680
Speaker 2: And that has been super helpful for me, like seeing

772
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:43,439
Speaker 2: it in your mind's eye right before you actually see

773
00:40:43,440 --> 00:40:44,600
Speaker 2: it manifest in the world.

774
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:47,520
Speaker 3: That could also look like rehearsing.

775
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:52,280
Speaker 1: Right, yep, So you've you've manifested it in your mind,

776
00:40:52,920 --> 00:40:56,200
Speaker 1: and now you practice in front the mirror. You know,

777
00:40:56,280 --> 00:40:58,640
Speaker 1: you get in front of the mirror and you say,

778
00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,040
Speaker 1: I'm going to ask the question, and you ask this

779
00:41:01,160 --> 00:41:04,319
Speaker 1: question and you kind of pace yourself to kind of see,

780
00:41:04,360 --> 00:41:07,120
Speaker 1: We'll wait when I ask that question, it feels a

781
00:41:07,160 --> 00:41:10,440
Speaker 1: little clunky, so or it seems a little awkward, so

782
00:41:10,520 --> 00:41:12,279
Speaker 1: maybe I'm not going to ask that question. Let me

783
00:41:12,320 --> 00:41:14,439
Speaker 1: look at my list of questions and pick a new one,

784
00:41:15,280 --> 00:41:19,279
Speaker 1: and that also can help with the visualization. And then

785
00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:24,880
Speaker 1: our last one, our tip number five self compassion. Remember

786
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:29,040
Speaker 1: to be gentle with yourself and know that you are

787
00:41:29,080 --> 00:41:32,480
Speaker 1: not alone and there is no.

788
00:41:32,880 --> 00:41:34,640
Speaker 3: Expectation to get it right.

789
00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:38,920
Speaker 1: If you set those networking goals for yourself, if you

790
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:44,080
Speaker 1: visualized it it flowing in one way and it doesn't happen,

791
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:49,040
Speaker 1: or you don't meet those goals, only you are aware

792
00:41:49,080 --> 00:41:51,960
Speaker 1: of what those goals are, so no need to be

793
00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:55,120
Speaker 1: upset with yourself. Set some new goals and try again

794
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:59,600
Speaker 1: the next time. If you talk to one person instead

795
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,799
Speaker 1: of the ten people that you set out to talk to,

796
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:06,600
Speaker 1: that one person might have been the one person you

797
00:42:06,719 --> 00:42:09,800
Speaker 1: needed to talk to to get you to that next job,

798
00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:15,200
Speaker 1: to get you to that next career goal or personal goal.

799
00:42:15,800 --> 00:42:18,840
Speaker 1: So just remember to be gentle with yourself and know

800
00:42:19,040 --> 00:42:24,719
Speaker 1: that introversion and extraversion is a spectrum. Some days you

801
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:27,560
Speaker 1: might be at twenty five and the next day you

802
00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:32,280
Speaker 1: might be at seventy five or fifty other places in between,

803
00:42:32,920 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 1: and that's okay.

804
00:42:35,360 --> 00:42:37,240
Speaker 2: And I know I used to beat myself up about

805
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,080
Speaker 2: being an introvert because I would see my friends who

806
00:42:40,160 --> 00:42:41,759
Speaker 2: could just go into a room and they could work

807
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:43,480
Speaker 2: that room, and I was just like, damn, I like,

808
00:42:43,560 --> 00:42:45,319
Speaker 2: I felt like something was wrong with me. So if

809
00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:47,040
Speaker 2: you are doing if you have to do a bit

810
00:42:47,080 --> 00:42:49,640
Speaker 2: more mental prep on the back end, or if you

811
00:42:49,680 --> 00:42:51,040
Speaker 2: have to do a bit more mental prep on the

812
00:42:51,080 --> 00:42:53,799
Speaker 2: front end to prepare for a situation, again, don't beat

813
00:42:53,800 --> 00:42:56,319
Speaker 2: yourself up about it. We all have different personality types

814
00:42:56,360 --> 00:42:59,480
Speaker 2: and different strengths, and so I know, for me, I

815
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,840
Speaker 2: had to get comfortable with Okay, this is this is

816
00:43:01,840 --> 00:43:03,800
Speaker 2: who I am. I just have, you know, a different

817
00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:06,520
Speaker 2: journey to get to the event, whereas my friend can

818
00:43:06,600 --> 00:43:09,320
Speaker 2: just hop in there and just network with mad people,

819
00:43:09,320 --> 00:43:12,040
Speaker 2: and that's that's her thing or that's his thing. For me,

820
00:43:12,080 --> 00:43:13,960
Speaker 2: it's it looks a little different. So don't judge yourself

821
00:43:13,960 --> 00:43:15,479
Speaker 2: if you have to look in the mirror and say

822
00:43:15,480 --> 00:43:18,680
Speaker 2: your you know, affirmations or do your visualization like we

823
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:21,000
Speaker 2: all have a different process and it's okay.

824
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:23,839
Speaker 1: And know that if you were also that person who

825
00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:29,520
Speaker 1: is very extroverted, and you are the person who walks

826
00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:32,040
Speaker 1: in and you are the life of the party, do

827
00:43:32,400 --> 00:43:34,640
Speaker 1: not tamper yourself down.

828
00:43:35,239 --> 00:43:39,720
Speaker 3: Do not dim your light to make other people feel better.

829
00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:44,880
Speaker 1: Being extroverted, being outgoing is just as cool as that

830
00:43:44,960 --> 00:43:48,279
Speaker 1: person who's the introvert who is having a quiet one

831
00:43:48,320 --> 00:43:49,279
Speaker 1: on one conversation.

832
00:43:49,600 --> 00:43:51,840
Speaker 3: There's room for all of us.

833
00:43:52,400 --> 00:43:56,920
Speaker 1: Drop Smike, thanks for joining us today in her Space.

834
00:43:57,560 --> 00:44:02,400
Speaker 1: Please note that our show may contain covers about self help, advice,

835
00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:05,880
Speaker 1: self empowerment, and mental health, but it is by no

836
00:44:06,080 --> 00:44:09,080
Speaker 1: means meant to be a substitute for an ongoing formal

837
00:44:09,160 --> 00:44:13,319
Speaker 1: relationship with a trained mental health provider. If you or

838
00:44:13,360 --> 00:44:15,960
Speaker 1: someone you know is in need of mental health care,

839
00:44:16,280 --> 00:44:21,080
Speaker 1: please visit the therapyle Black Girls Directory Psychology today or

840
00:44:21,239 --> 00:44:25,040
Speaker 1: contact your insurance provider if you liked what.

841
00:44:24,960 --> 00:44:28,280
Speaker 2: You heard and want to keep the conversation going. Connect

842
00:44:28,320 --> 00:44:33,680
Speaker 2: with us on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter at her space

843
00:44:34,000 --> 00:44:39,480
Speaker 2: podcast or check out our website at herspacepodcast dot com.

844
00:44:39,520 --> 00:44:43,839
Speaker 2: And before we meet again, repeat after me, I will

845
00:44:43,840 --> 00:44:47,360
Speaker 2: not judge myself for where I'm starting. I'm making progress

846
00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:48,080
Speaker 2: every day.

847
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 3: Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next week, lady