WEBVTT - Remembering Sydney Towle: Time, Hope, and What Really Matters 0:00:03.240 --> 0:00:05.840 No one has all the answers, but when we ask 0:00:05.880 --> 0:00:10.680 the right questions, we get a little closer, closer to truths, 0:00:11.440 --> 0:00:16.560 closer to each other, even closer to ourselves. I'm journalist 0:00:16.600 --> 0:00:19.280 Danielle Robe, and each week, my guests and I'd come 0:00:19.360 --> 0:00:22.800 together to challenge the status quo and our own ways 0:00:22.800 --> 0:00:27.360 of thinking by daring to ask what if, why not? 0:00:28.320 --> 0:00:29.080 And who says? 0:00:30.480 --> 0:00:30.600 So? 0:00:30.680 --> 0:00:35.920 Come curious, dig deep, and join the conversation. It's time 0:00:36.280 --> 0:00:43.480 to question everything. Before we begin today's episode, I want 0:00:43.520 --> 0:00:48.320 to share why we're returning to this conversation. Sydney Towell 0:00:48.479 --> 0:00:52.600 died on August fifth, twenty twenty six, at twenty six 0:00:52.720 --> 0:00:58.240 years old. Now we recorded this episode originally eight months 0:00:58.640 --> 0:01:02.600 before she passed away, and when Sid walked into the 0:01:02.640 --> 0:01:06.720 New York studio last year for her first podcast conversation, 0:01:07.840 --> 0:01:12.440 she had an effortless, earthy beauty. Around her neck was 0:01:12.480 --> 0:01:15.440 a shark tooth on a cord. It was an ode 0:01:15.480 --> 0:01:18.880 to her Florida roots. She told me that she felt 0:01:18.920 --> 0:01:22.360 most at peace by the ocean. She loved to run, 0:01:22.760 --> 0:01:26.120 to move, to practice yoga, and she always used the 0:01:26.200 --> 0:01:32.600 yellow heart emoji, the color of sunshine. Whenever I thought 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:35.160 of Sydney. Over the last year, I thought of the 0:01:35.200 --> 0:01:40.520 words often associated with namaste, the light in me honors 0:01:40.840 --> 0:01:41.640 the light in you. 0:01:43.240 --> 0:01:43.440 Now. 0:01:43.480 --> 0:01:46.720 Originally I wanted to speak with Sydney not only because 0:01:46.720 --> 0:01:51.840 she was facing something completely unimaginable, but because she was 0:01:52.000 --> 0:01:56.120 living through it with honesty and humor and grace and 0:01:56.160 --> 0:01:59.840 a tremendous amount of courage. And I really wanted her 0:01:59.840 --> 0:02:02.960 story etched in time so that one day. 0:02:04.840 --> 0:02:05.520 When she was. 0:02:07.200 --> 0:02:10.120 When she was on the other side of it, she 0:02:10.160 --> 0:02:14.600 could look back and see what she had survived and 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:20.440 how fully she had lived while surviving it. As you 0:02:20.520 --> 0:02:25.960 can hear in my voice, I'm so sad for her. 0:02:27.000 --> 0:02:30.399 I'm sad for her family and for all of us 0:02:31.880 --> 0:02:37.280 that she never got that day Sydney was twenty six 0:02:37.400 --> 0:02:42.080 years old. There are no words and no poetry that 0:02:42.120 --> 0:02:48.040 can make that fair. She really deserved decades more and 0:02:48.120 --> 0:02:52.880 the milestones and the adventures, but also the ordinary tuesdays 0:02:53.480 --> 0:02:57.440 and the quiet mornings. She deserved to fall in love 0:02:57.480 --> 0:03:00.679 and have babies and go to music festival and run 0:03:00.720 --> 0:03:05.880 by the beach. In every conversation that we shared before 0:03:05.960 --> 0:03:11.360 the interview and after, I want to tell you about 0:03:11.440 --> 0:03:15.639 something that I was quite in a naw of It 0:03:15.680 --> 0:03:18.160 was the time and the kindness and the love that 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:21.400 sid gave so freely, especially when her own time felt 0:03:21.400 --> 0:03:25.880 increasingly precious. That is something I will try to carry 0:03:25.880 --> 0:03:34.079 forward in her honor. Sidney Twell left a footprint on 0:03:34.160 --> 0:03:37.960 my heart, and what she gave us will keep moving 0:03:38.040 --> 0:03:42.920 through every person who loved her. There were millions online. 0:03:43.920 --> 0:03:46.200 There's a notion that I've often shared the last few 0:03:46.320 --> 0:03:50.080 years that we die twice, first when the body leaves, 0:03:50.720 --> 0:03:54.960 and again when people stop telling our stories. I don't 0:03:55.000 --> 0:03:57.880 know what else to do to keep her memory alive 0:03:58.040 --> 0:04:03.520 except to share pieces her story. So here it is, 0:04:04.600 --> 0:04:07.640 we are re airing the conversation with sid. 0:04:08.680 --> 0:04:11.240 Here she is so Sydney. 0:04:11.360 --> 0:04:14.080 I first found you on TikTok, I think, like so 0:04:14.200 --> 0:04:18.200 many other people did, and I was immediately drawn to 0:04:18.200 --> 0:04:23.240 you because you are so vibrant and really positive and 0:04:23.360 --> 0:04:28.080 super endearing. And I imagine, even though you have millions 0:04:28.080 --> 0:04:31.200 of followers across platforms, that not everybody knows your story. 0:04:31.560 --> 0:04:34.080 So I want to lay the groundwork for them. You're 0:04:34.120 --> 0:04:36.640 twenty five, but at twenty three, just two years ago, 0:04:36.680 --> 0:04:39.640 you had graduated from Dartmouth and you moved to La. 0:04:39.800 --> 0:04:44.040 You had your yoga certification, and I watched all your videos. 0:04:44.080 --> 0:04:48.279 You were swimming and running and just being really active. 0:04:49.080 --> 0:04:51.600 You built a small but growing following, and then one 0:04:51.680 --> 0:04:54.760 day you went for a run and within twenty four hours, 0:04:54.800 --> 0:04:57.520 your entire life changed. What happened on that run? 0:04:57.880 --> 0:05:01.680 Yeah, So I was actually back at school at Dartmouth, 0:05:01.760 --> 0:05:04.039 and I was visiting one of my friends for a 0:05:04.080 --> 0:05:07.200 music festival that they have there, and I went for 0:05:07.279 --> 0:05:10.640 a run and right when I finished, I looked down 0:05:10.720 --> 0:05:13.760 and I noticed that I had a lump protruding from 0:05:14.040 --> 0:05:17.520 the right side of my abdomen, and I was kind 0:05:17.560 --> 0:05:19.680 of like, what the heck is that? And I immediately 0:05:19.720 --> 0:05:22.760 posted on Snapchat because we still use snapshat at the time, 0:05:23.600 --> 0:05:28.360 and I was like, what is this and people were like, oh, 0:05:28.360 --> 0:05:31.600 it's a hernia. I looked it up. The symptoms said hernia. 0:05:32.160 --> 0:05:35.000 So I thought it was an exercise induced hernia and 0:05:35.240 --> 0:05:37.640 that was not the case. But that's also what the 0:05:37.680 --> 0:05:41.120 initial urgent care doctor said as well. Oh wow, yeah, 0:05:41.160 --> 0:05:43.960 so nobody thought that it was cancer at first. Obviously 0:05:44.040 --> 0:05:47.719 your first instinct isn't this twenty five year old probably 0:05:47.760 --> 0:05:49.400 has this rare cancer. 0:05:49.279 --> 0:05:50.400 And what happened from there. 0:05:50.839 --> 0:05:54.800 So I went home to LA and I ignored it, 0:05:54.880 --> 0:05:59.360 honestly for a month or two. And I knew when 0:05:59.360 --> 0:06:01.040 I would go for or when I would go for 0:06:01.120 --> 0:06:04.560 like long walks, I would feel this burning sensation. But 0:06:04.640 --> 0:06:06.960 I still ignored it, just because I think I was 0:06:06.960 --> 0:06:11.240 in denial a little bit. And I would even jokingly 0:06:11.279 --> 0:06:14.800 say sometimes like what if I have cancer? And the 0:06:14.839 --> 0:06:16.920 people around me would be like, why would you even 0:06:16.920 --> 0:06:19.080 say that, Like you're so young, you're so healthy. You 0:06:19.120 --> 0:06:21.159 go to run club or you go to surf club, 0:06:21.360 --> 0:06:24.320 Like there's just no way. And then I went to 0:06:24.360 --> 0:06:27.039 the urgent care. He thought it was a hernia, but 0:06:27.120 --> 0:06:29.080 he was like, just in case, i'll send you for 0:06:29.440 --> 0:06:32.560 an ultrasound. And then when I went to the ultrasound, 0:06:33.320 --> 0:06:36.000 it's really weird because they don't say anything to you 0:06:36.080 --> 0:06:38.800 when they're doing it, obviously, like they can't they're not 0:06:38.839 --> 0:06:41.800 the ones reading the stands. So she was very calm, 0:06:41.960 --> 0:06:44.560 she was like, oh, like, have a nice day. And 0:06:44.640 --> 0:06:47.920 it turns out there was an eight or nine centimeter 0:06:48.160 --> 0:06:49.360 solid mass in my. 0:06:49.400 --> 0:06:55.880 Liver, and so you get the diagnosis and it's colangio carcinoma, 0:06:55.880 --> 0:06:59.440 which is a rare cancer. Yes, at twenty three years old. 0:06:59.480 --> 0:07:01.120 Tell me what's going through your mind when you hear 0:07:01.160 --> 0:07:02.640 those words come out of their mouth. 0:07:02.800 --> 0:07:04.599 So I had no idea, and I think most people 0:07:04.640 --> 0:07:08.960 don't know what clandio carcinoma is. I heard carcinoma, and 0:07:09.000 --> 0:07:11.200 I know that's one of the worst forms of cancer, 0:07:11.320 --> 0:07:14.000 like one of the most deadly forms. So I remember 0:07:14.160 --> 0:07:17.320 I went to go pick up the report from the 0:07:17.480 --> 0:07:21.320 MRI place and I opened the report and by myself, 0:07:22.120 --> 0:07:23.720 and right when I open it, I just see the 0:07:23.760 --> 0:07:29.440 words likely carcinoma, multiple enhancing masses. And I immediately just 0:07:29.520 --> 0:07:31.440 dropped to the ground in the parking lot, and I 0:07:31.480 --> 0:07:33.960 was like in shock. I mean, I kind of had 0:07:33.960 --> 0:07:37.920 this gut feeling that it was cancer, but to see 0:07:37.960 --> 0:07:41.640 like multiple tumors increasing in size, I was like, how 0:07:41.720 --> 0:07:42.560 is this possible? 0:07:42.840 --> 0:07:44.680 And to see those words you were alone. 0:07:44.800 --> 0:07:47.760 I was alone again. I had a gut feeling, but 0:07:48.000 --> 0:07:50.960 I was hoping I was wrong. So opening it by 0:07:51.000 --> 0:07:53.480 myself in the parking lot, I was just like, Oh 0:07:53.520 --> 0:07:55.160 my gosh, how is this my new reality? 0:07:55.360 --> 0:07:58.960 You know, it was confirmation of a nightmare, right exactly. Yeah, 0:07:59.000 --> 0:08:02.000 what do you remember of that day? Immediately after? 0:08:02.400 --> 0:08:06.880 So I immediately facetimed my family, and normally they both 0:08:06.960 --> 0:08:09.480 don't pick up my brother and my mom they both 0:08:09.520 --> 0:08:11.280 picked up on like the first ring, so it was 0:08:11.320 --> 0:08:14.160 already a crazy moment, and then I was already crying. 0:08:14.200 --> 0:08:15.920 I was already bawling, and they were like, what's wrong, 0:08:15.960 --> 0:08:18.080 that's wrong, and I was just like, I've cancer, and 0:08:18.120 --> 0:08:22.960 they both started immediately bawling as well. So that was 0:08:23.240 --> 0:08:25.120 a core memory probably that I will never forget, is 0:08:25.160 --> 0:08:28.520 their reaction calling them and seeing their faces when I 0:08:28.560 --> 0:08:31.320 said that, and then also texting all of my friends 0:08:31.360 --> 0:08:34.400 at the same time, saying I have cancer because I 0:08:34.440 --> 0:08:35.880 just didn't know what to do. I think you kind 0:08:35.880 --> 0:08:37.640 of immediately when you get news like that, you reach 0:08:37.679 --> 0:08:40.040 out to everyone you know and you're like, what's going on. 0:08:40.440 --> 0:08:42.839 And obviously all of my friends were like, what are 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:43.880 you talking about. 0:08:44.240 --> 0:08:46.320 It's interesting that you texted all your friends. You're a 0:08:46.320 --> 0:08:47.160 friend girl. 0:08:47.280 --> 0:08:49.680 Yes I am. I love my friends. And one of 0:08:49.679 --> 0:08:52.680 my friends in La I texted him and said I 0:08:52.720 --> 0:08:54.520 have cancer right when it was happening, and he was 0:08:54.520 --> 0:08:57.520 supposed to go to San Diego that day. He immediately 0:08:57.520 --> 0:08:59.600 canceled the trip to go see his friends, and then 0:08:59.640 --> 0:09:02.000 spent the day with me at the beach, just hanging out. 0:09:02.160 --> 0:09:04.319 So I have some really great friends. 0:09:04.840 --> 0:09:07.080 Did you guys talk about it or did that day 0:09:07.120 --> 0:09:09.120 did you just want to enjoy the beach and not 0:09:09.200 --> 0:09:09.840 think about it. 0:09:09.920 --> 0:09:12.880 I think we just didn't talk about it. I think 0:09:12.920 --> 0:09:14.960 I was in so much shock. I don't think there's 0:09:15.040 --> 0:09:19.640 like a way to process that much information in one time, So, yeah, 0:09:19.640 --> 0:09:20.520 we just hung out. 0:09:20.679 --> 0:09:24.280 What were the psychological impacts of the diagnosis in the 0:09:24.400 --> 0:09:25.440 days and weeks to come. 0:09:25.760 --> 0:09:27.960 Honestly, it's so hard to think about because I think 0:09:28.000 --> 0:09:32.720 a lot of my processing has been through disassociation, like 0:09:32.960 --> 0:09:35.760 kind of pretending it's not happening. So I try not 0:09:35.800 --> 0:09:38.560 to think about it too much. Yeah, but I think 0:09:38.760 --> 0:09:41.480 it has taken obviously a very big toll, like psychologically 0:09:41.559 --> 0:09:44.360 and mentally, because how are you supposed to cope with 0:09:44.480 --> 0:09:46.640 all the other normal things that twenty three year old 0:09:46.640 --> 0:09:49.720 twenty four year old deals with while also having stage 0:09:49.720 --> 0:09:51.920 four cancer. While I didn't know stage war at the time, 0:09:52.400 --> 0:09:56.160 having cancer and especially a rare cancer, I went back 0:09:56.200 --> 0:09:58.880 to therapy. I think to like talk through things and 0:09:58.960 --> 0:10:02.959 unpack things. But I think also talking on TikTok and 0:10:03.040 --> 0:10:05.800 sharing videos like that has been a really helpful way 0:10:05.800 --> 0:10:08.120 for me to process everything that's going on as well. 0:10:08.679 --> 0:10:11.200 So yeah, psychologically it's been a lot. Physically it's been 0:10:11.240 --> 0:10:13.640 a lot, but there's also been a lot of good 0:10:13.640 --> 0:10:14.360 that's come from it. 0:10:14.640 --> 0:10:16.920 I want to hear about all three of those things. Yeah, 0:10:16.960 --> 0:10:19.880 tell me about the first TikTok that you posted sharing 0:10:19.920 --> 0:10:20.840 your diagnosis. 0:10:21.080 --> 0:10:23.840 So I had got home from the beach with my friend, 0:10:24.440 --> 0:10:27.280 and I just started bawling right when I got home, 0:10:27.320 --> 0:10:29.640 right when I was alone, because I feel like I'm 0:10:29.679 --> 0:10:31.679 not the type of person to be able to cry 0:10:31.720 --> 0:10:33.880 in front of other people, which is funny because I 0:10:33.920 --> 0:10:35.760 cry on TikTok a lot and that obviously a lot 0:10:35.800 --> 0:10:38.600 of people see that, but in person, I preferred to 0:10:38.600 --> 0:10:41.160 process my emotions on my own, and so I just 0:10:41.200 --> 0:10:44.120 started bawling. And then, honestly, I don't know what spurred 0:10:44.160 --> 0:10:46.920 me to just record a video, but I had already 0:10:46.920 --> 0:10:49.320 been posting on the app, and I'd posted kind of 0:10:49.400 --> 0:10:53.120 everything randomly, so I just said, you know, I've posted 0:10:53.160 --> 0:10:56.040 everything on here, so I'm going to say this as well. 0:10:56.120 --> 0:11:00.000 I just found out I have cancer and I posted it. 0:11:00.040 --> 0:11:03.120 I didn't think anything of it, and then that video 0:11:03.200 --> 0:11:06.520 ended up going kind of viral, and I had so 0:11:06.600 --> 0:11:09.920 many people reach out to me, so many people comment, 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:14.000 And I think cancer, unfortunately, is just a very relatable thing. 0:11:14.640 --> 0:11:17.640 It's becoming more common, so unfortunately a lot of people 0:11:17.720 --> 0:11:20.319 I think are able to relate to my story themselves 0:11:20.400 --> 0:11:22.880 or through their family or friends or someone they know. 0:11:23.360 --> 0:11:28.320 How do you feel about all of the interaction around 0:11:29.160 --> 0:11:32.760 talking about your cancer? Are people helpful? Have you found 0:11:32.800 --> 0:11:37.280 any information or doctors from it? Or is it emotionally exhausting? 0:11:37.559 --> 0:11:39.439 There are a lot of feelings associated with it. 0:11:39.440 --> 0:11:43.120 It has been very helpful, I think in both directions 0:11:43.120 --> 0:11:45.600 for me and for other people, because all post videos 0:11:45.640 --> 0:11:48.960 as well from things I've learned from other people, commpting 0:11:49.000 --> 0:11:53.439 like histotripsy, like these new technological advances for cancer treatment, 0:11:53.800 --> 0:11:55.880 and then I'll post my experience with it, like I 0:11:55.920 --> 0:11:59.200 looked into this, and then someone will message me or 0:11:59.240 --> 0:12:01.640 comment and say thank you so much. I had no 0:12:01.679 --> 0:12:04.200 idea this was a thing, and thanks to you, my 0:12:04.280 --> 0:12:06.679 significant other or my parent or my child was able 0:12:06.760 --> 0:12:09.880 to look into this. Wow. So it's amazing the amount 0:12:09.880 --> 0:12:12.560 of information you're allowed to receive and give to other people. 0:12:12.600 --> 0:12:13.880 Like it's kind of just a circle. 0:12:14.640 --> 0:12:17.640 It is. I see it in the comment section. There's 0:12:17.679 --> 0:12:20.320 a TikTok that you made in your car. I have 0:12:20.400 --> 0:12:22.720 to be honest with you. I find it hard sometimes 0:12:22.760 --> 0:12:25.840 to watch other people be emotional on the internet, and 0:12:25.880 --> 0:12:28.320 I don't feel that way with you. I'm not sure 0:12:28.360 --> 0:12:32.360 why I need to unpacks. I know, and there's a 0:12:32.440 --> 0:12:35.439 TikTok that's in your car. You would just received some 0:12:35.520 --> 0:12:39.040 sad news signaled a setback, and you said, this just 0:12:39.160 --> 0:12:41.120 isn't what I thought my life was going to be. 0:12:41.280 --> 0:12:43.600 Like what was going through your mind? What did you 0:12:43.800 --> 0:12:46.760 think pre cancer diagnosis? What did you envision? 0:12:46.920 --> 0:12:49.600 It's a great question. I said this in another TikTok. 0:12:49.640 --> 0:12:51.679 Actually at the time in twenty twenty three, like the 0:12:51.760 --> 0:12:53.840 year I was diagnosed, I said, this has been the 0:12:53.840 --> 0:12:55.760 best year of my life, even though one of the 0:12:55.760 --> 0:12:59.719 worst things has happened, because I really found my community. 0:13:00.000 --> 0:13:01.920 I was loving my life in La I was going 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:04.080 to surf Crew every week, I was going to run club. 0:13:04.440 --> 0:13:06.720 I felt like I had so much community and so 0:13:06.840 --> 0:13:09.800 much happiness around me and so many good friends. And 0:13:09.840 --> 0:13:13.360 then that happens so unexpectedly, and it was kind of 0:13:13.400 --> 0:13:16.119 just like, how is it possible? To have such happiness, 0:13:16.200 --> 0:13:17.880 in such a good life and have that kind of 0:13:17.880 --> 0:13:20.559 feel like it's being ripped from under you. So I 0:13:20.600 --> 0:13:24.280 guess I envisioned myself staying in LA probably honestly not 0:13:24.400 --> 0:13:27.360 moving to New York, and continuing to build that community, 0:13:27.400 --> 0:13:30.800 continuing to surf, continuing to run. I have a full 0:13:30.840 --> 0:13:33.480 time job in addition to doing content, which not many 0:13:33.480 --> 0:13:37.400 people know, So doing that and yeah, definitely not this. 0:13:37.760 --> 0:13:42.240 You don't fit any of the demographic factors for colangiocarcinoma, 0:13:42.679 --> 0:13:46.280 which is bioduct cancer. You received the diagnosis at twenty three, 0:13:46.400 --> 0:13:50.600 and it's this rare cancer that people over fifty usually have. 0:13:51.520 --> 0:13:54.199 How do you reckon with the fact that you have 0:13:54.320 --> 0:13:57.079 this when the odds are so slim. I think about 0:13:57.080 --> 0:13:59.640 that so often, and I'm like, how is this possible? 0:13:59.720 --> 0:14:03.400 Because I went to the Clandiocarsonoma conference this year and 0:14:03.440 --> 0:14:07.960 I spoke and everyone pretty much in the room was 0:14:08.160 --> 0:14:10.800 around fifty or over the age of fifty, and so 0:14:11.000 --> 0:14:13.400 I'm like, in these group photos and I'm the youngest 0:14:13.400 --> 0:14:15.880 person there, the youngest person in the room. People would 0:14:15.880 --> 0:14:18.360 constantly come up to me and be like, you're so young, 0:14:19.000 --> 0:14:21.040 And doctors say that all the time, they're like, you're 0:14:21.080 --> 0:14:23.800 so young. When I came to New York to MSK 0:14:24.200 --> 0:14:27.000 memori Elson Kettering to get a second opinion, my on 0:14:27.120 --> 0:14:29.480 call just now redid all the tests that I had 0:14:29.600 --> 0:14:32.280 originally done and redid my biopsy because he was like, 0:14:32.520 --> 0:14:34.920 you don't fit these demographics, Like I have a hard 0:14:34.960 --> 0:14:39.640 time believing that you have clandiocarcinoma, and I do, and 0:14:39.680 --> 0:14:42.280 it's so hard for me to process that, Like why 0:14:42.320 --> 0:14:44.840 did this happen to me at such a young age? 0:14:45.280 --> 0:14:47.760 Like I don't understand it honestly, And I think the 0:14:47.800 --> 0:14:50.160 only way I get through it is by not trying 0:14:50.160 --> 0:14:53.200 to understand it anymore, just accepting that it's what's happening 0:14:53.280 --> 0:14:56.280 right now, and you can only control your reaction. Yeah, 0:14:56.280 --> 0:14:57.480 things not what's happening. 0:14:57.520 --> 0:15:00.840 So have you disassociated so much? 0:15:00.920 --> 0:15:03.440 I think, honestly, some of the only times I process 0:15:03.520 --> 0:15:06.200 things are when I'm talking to TikTok, to my phone 0:15:06.320 --> 0:15:08.680 or else. I don't speak about it that often, Like 0:15:08.720 --> 0:15:11.120 I don't speak about it with my friends. I try 0:15:11.160 --> 0:15:14.160 not speak about it with my family too often. Why 0:15:14.680 --> 0:15:17.120 I think it's easier to pretend that it's not happening 0:15:17.200 --> 0:15:19.600 when you don't speak about it. Speaking about it almost 0:15:19.680 --> 0:15:22.720 makes it feel real. So just not talking about it, 0:15:22.760 --> 0:15:24.960 pretending that it's not happening, pretending that I can go 0:15:25.000 --> 0:15:26.840 out to dinner and go out with my friends and 0:15:27.400 --> 0:15:29.720 but I'm just a normal twenty five year old. That's 0:15:29.760 --> 0:15:30.760 kind of how I get through it. 0:15:30.840 --> 0:15:33.120 I think, do you feel different from your friends the 0:15:33.200 --> 0:15:35.520 way you talk about it is in college, you guys 0:15:35.520 --> 0:15:37.880 were like a unit. Yeah, you have this group. 0:15:38.120 --> 0:15:43.920 Yes, it's hard sometimes to have normal conversations now about 0:15:43.960 --> 0:15:48.040 like dating and like normal worries of a twenty five 0:15:48.120 --> 0:15:50.640 year old, because I just feel like my worries are 0:15:50.640 --> 0:15:52.960 a lot different now, Like I don't care about the 0:15:52.960 --> 0:15:55.600 small things as much. I care more about like life 0:15:55.680 --> 0:15:57.760 and death and like what's going to happen in the 0:15:57.800 --> 0:16:00.200 next year or so. So it is kind of hard 0:16:00.200 --> 0:16:03.840 for me to have lighthearted conversations or you know, small talk. 0:16:03.880 --> 0:16:07.360 If I'm going to like a party like something like that. 0:16:07.400 --> 0:16:09.760 It's kind of hard for me to pretend that everything's 0:16:09.800 --> 0:16:11.560 normal when something so big is happening. 0:16:12.120 --> 0:16:15.720 You wrote in your TikTok bio that you are slaying cancer. Yes, 0:16:16.040 --> 0:16:18.160 when you use that phrase, what does it mean to you? 0:16:18.520 --> 0:16:20.680 It has never had a definition to me. 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:25.680 Really, I feel like it's more of an emotional fortification 0:16:26.640 --> 0:16:29.120 of like, I don't want to do this thing. I 0:16:29.120 --> 0:16:30.800 don't want to show up every day. I don't want 0:16:30.840 --> 0:16:33.720 to go to chemo. But regardless if I want to 0:16:33.840 --> 0:16:37.360 or not, I'm going to. So even if it's the 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:39.880 last thing I want to do. If I say in 0:16:39.920 --> 0:16:42.480 a video like let's go slay some chemo, it kind 0:16:42.520 --> 0:16:45.400 of hypes me up and makes me more ready and 0:16:45.480 --> 0:16:48.360 prepared to go take this on, even if I don't 0:16:48.400 --> 0:16:49.840 quite feel ready. 0:16:50.160 --> 0:16:53.640 Do you see cancer as an enemy to fight or 0:16:53.680 --> 0:16:56.240 something that has forced you to look at things differently? 0:16:56.920 --> 0:17:00.440 Both? Honestly, I think more importantly probably forced me to 0:17:00.480 --> 0:17:02.960 look at things differently because my perspective on life, I 0:17:02.960 --> 0:17:05.600 feel like has changed so much over the past two years. 0:17:06.359 --> 0:17:09.240 But also recently I've been trying to see it more 0:17:09.280 --> 0:17:11.760 as an enemy. And I was talking to one of 0:17:11.760 --> 0:17:14.920 my friends who also had cancer in the city, and 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:18.280 You're saying, what if we kind of treated it like 0:17:18.359 --> 0:17:21.200 it was this enemy, like it was this like mean person, 0:17:21.760 --> 0:17:24.040 And that kind of gave me a perspective change because 0:17:24.119 --> 0:17:26.160 I was like, yeah, I don't want to be friends 0:17:26.160 --> 0:17:28.680 with it. I want it to be gone for my body. 0:17:28.800 --> 0:17:31.400 So treating it almost in that light has been kind 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:33.719 of helpful because it makes me want to fight it 0:17:33.960 --> 0:17:36.199 more aggressively and like, no, you don't belong to your 0:17:36.240 --> 0:17:39.600 get out of my body. And that's been a little 0:17:39.600 --> 0:17:41.440 bit helpful to think about it in that light. 0:17:41.680 --> 0:17:45.359 It sounds like you're doing mental gymnastics always. How do 0:17:45.359 --> 0:17:47.879 you experience time right now? Does it go by fast? 0:17:47.960 --> 0:17:48.960 Does it go by slowly? 0:17:49.560 --> 0:17:52.560 It really depends on the week because my chemo week. 0:17:52.640 --> 0:17:55.920 So I had chemo this Monday, and it always goes 0:17:55.960 --> 0:17:59.520 so much slower after chemo because I want the day 0:17:59.520 --> 0:18:01.840 to go by, And whenever you want time to go 0:18:01.880 --> 0:18:04.200 by faster, it goes by slower. I feel like that's 0:18:04.240 --> 0:18:08.439 always the case. But when I'm off of chemo on vacation, 0:18:08.680 --> 0:18:11.679 on a trip, it goes by so fast, and I'm like, 0:18:12.440 --> 0:18:14.359 I wish I could just stay in this moment longer. 0:18:14.359 --> 0:18:17.560 I wish I could stay in this peaceful moment, because 0:18:17.600 --> 0:18:20.199 it feels like it's really hard to find peace these days. 0:18:20.520 --> 0:18:22.639 So it's always those peaceful times that it feels like 0:18:22.760 --> 0:18:23.600 are very fleeting. 0:18:24.080 --> 0:18:27.440 Where are you experiencing peace or joy right now? 0:18:27.680 --> 0:18:30.080 It's always by the beach because I grew up by 0:18:30.119 --> 0:18:32.600 the beach in Florida, so I think whenever I'm by 0:18:32.640 --> 0:18:34.520 the beach, and I think a lot of people feel 0:18:34.520 --> 0:18:36.400 that way by the ocean. It's just very calming. 0:18:36.800 --> 0:18:39.560 I read on today dot Com that you were not 0:18:39.600 --> 0:18:42.440 able to freeze your eggs or take any other precautionary 0:18:42.480 --> 0:18:46.280 measures ahead of getting treatment. What does that mean for you? 0:18:47.040 --> 0:18:49.879 I actually woke up thinking about that this morning because 0:18:50.080 --> 0:18:52.720 a lot of my friends who have had cancer, because 0:18:52.720 --> 0:18:55.080 I've met a lot of people in this community, did 0:18:55.119 --> 0:18:57.679 freeze their eggs before, and I feel like for some reason, 0:18:57.760 --> 0:19:00.879 it wasn't brought to my attention that it was an 0:19:00.880 --> 0:19:04.359 important thing to do before starting chemo. I think also 0:19:04.400 --> 0:19:05.879 because we didn't know how long I was going to 0:19:05.920 --> 0:19:08.800 be in chemo for, which is now indefinitely, and I 0:19:08.840 --> 0:19:12.640 think about that very often, especially when I'm dating or 0:19:13.520 --> 0:19:15.480 trying to think about the potential of a future and 0:19:15.520 --> 0:19:19.480 a family. It makes me really anxious and sad to 0:19:19.520 --> 0:19:21.800 think about the fact that I didn't freeze my eggs 0:19:21.840 --> 0:19:24.679 ahead of time. Because you need, at least this is 0:19:24.680 --> 0:19:26.440 what they told me, you need a couple months off 0:19:26.480 --> 0:19:29.080 of chemo or like at least a month to be 0:19:29.119 --> 0:19:31.119 able to do the process of freezing your eggs, and 0:19:31.160 --> 0:19:33.680 I don't have that time off, so I'm not able 0:19:33.720 --> 0:19:35.399 to do it. So I'm kind of waiting for that 0:19:35.520 --> 0:19:37.440 day that hopefully I'll get a break and I'll be 0:19:37.480 --> 0:19:39.720 able to do it, just so I have that safety net, 0:19:39.840 --> 0:19:42.000 a feeling like one day if I am able to 0:19:42.040 --> 0:19:43.600 have a family, and I want to have a family, 0:19:43.680 --> 0:19:46.360 I do have that potential, which obviously there are other 0:19:46.400 --> 0:19:49.920 ways like adoption, IVF and stuff, but it is something 0:19:49.920 --> 0:19:51.280 that I wish I had done ahead of time. 0:19:51.480 --> 0:19:53.640 I like that you're thinking about a future though. 0:19:53.480 --> 0:19:56.119 I know. I mean it's important too, I think to 0:19:56.359 --> 0:19:59.000 have something to hold on to and to like fight for, 0:19:59.119 --> 0:19:59.480 you know. 0:20:00.119 --> 0:20:04.560 Absolutely, yeah, So talk to me about your regimen right now? 0:20:04.640 --> 0:20:06.600 What does your day to day look like when you 0:20:06.800 --> 0:20:08.480 are experiencing chemo. 0:20:08.760 --> 0:20:10.680 I wake up, I do my get ready with me 0:20:10.840 --> 0:20:14.080 for chemo ghost slice. In chemo, my mom will normally 0:20:14.080 --> 0:20:16.679 come with me, and then we go home and I 0:20:16.760 --> 0:20:19.720 try to work. I work remotely, so I work remotely 0:20:19.880 --> 0:20:22.199 as much as I can, and then I sleep the 0:20:22.200 --> 0:20:25.800 rest of the time. And I really am just waiting 0:20:25.800 --> 0:20:27.960 for those two or three days to pass to where 0:20:28.000 --> 0:20:30.160 I start to feel normal again. Like today, I feel 0:20:30.200 --> 0:20:31.399 like I woke up and I started to feel a 0:20:31.400 --> 0:20:34.359