WEBVTT - Social Justice Parenting “ROCKS!” w/ Dr. Traci Baxley 0:00:02.440 --> 0:00:05.320 Welcome to Katie's Crib, a production of Shonda land Audio 0:00:05.400 --> 0:00:11.840 in partnership with I Heart Radio. Cop and police stuff 0:00:12.000 --> 0:00:15.280 is huge for little boys. What age am I going 0:00:15.360 --> 0:00:18.239 to tell him? Like, cops aren't always you know, it's 0:00:18.480 --> 0:00:20.599 his mind. It's like cops are the good guys and 0:00:20.640 --> 0:00:24.159 the bad guys go to jail. Yeah. I think he 0:00:24.440 --> 0:00:27.480 is at a great age to introduce that to him, right, 0:00:27.720 --> 0:00:30.440 And you could talk about the role of police officers. 0:00:30.480 --> 0:00:33.720 They are supposed to serve and protect and because of 0:00:33.760 --> 0:00:36.680 the history of our country, because of things going on, 0:00:36.880 --> 0:00:42.680 that's you know, unfair. Sometimes the police officer thinks somebody's 0:00:42.680 --> 0:00:44.560 a bad guy just because of the color of their skin. 0:00:45.120 --> 0:00:47.720 We have to nuance it for our children so that 0:00:47.760 --> 0:00:51.519 they don't always say cops for the good guy. You know, 0:00:51.640 --> 0:01:01.800 somebody else is the bad guy. How Hello, everybody, Welcome 0:01:01.800 --> 0:01:06.440 back to Katie's Crib. I'm so stoked about today's episode. 0:01:06.720 --> 0:01:10.360 It is continuing our much needed work that we began 0:01:10.480 --> 0:01:13.000 to get into in last seasons of Katie's Crib. I 0:01:13.080 --> 0:01:16.160 have the one and only Dr Tracy Baxley here today 0:01:16.240 --> 0:01:20.560 and we are talking about social justice, parenting and this 0:01:20.800 --> 0:01:25.520 incredible book She wrote that everyone needs to run, not walk, 0:01:26.120 --> 0:01:29.640 to go get if you are a white mama, if 0:01:29.680 --> 0:01:32.640 you are a mama of color, if you are a 0:01:32.640 --> 0:01:36.600 caretaker in any way. I mean, this book just lays 0:01:36.640 --> 0:01:40.040 it out for us, like lays out how to have 0:01:40.240 --> 0:01:44.480 conversations about race and how we can hopefully help our 0:01:44.560 --> 0:01:48.760 kids generation to just do and be better than mine 0:01:48.960 --> 0:01:52.280 and my parents before and their parents before them. Dr 0:01:52.360 --> 0:01:57.000 Tracy Baxley is a professor, consultant, parenting coach, speaker, and 0:01:57.360 --> 0:02:03.760 mother to five biracial children. Five children. She's also the 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:08.920 creator of Social Justice Parenting and author of Social Justice Parenting, 0:02:09.280 --> 0:02:13.840 How to Raise compassionate, anti racist, justice minded Kids in 0:02:13.880 --> 0:02:17.600 an Unjust World. Dr Baxley has been an educator for 0:02:17.639 --> 0:02:21.840 over thirty years with degrees in child development, elementary Education, curriculum, 0:02:21.840 --> 0:02:25.920 and instruction. She specializes in diversity and inclusion, antibias curriculum, 0:02:25.919 --> 0:02:29.920 and social justice education. Thank you so much for coming 0:02:29.960 --> 0:02:37.680 on Katie's Cribs. Dr Baxley, thank you for changing the world, 0:02:38.480 --> 0:02:40.520 and thank you so much for taking the time to 0:02:40.680 --> 0:02:45.240 speak with me and to our listeners. You all Katie's 0:02:45.240 --> 0:02:49.480 Cribbers who listen know that I always have specialists guests 0:02:49.520 --> 0:02:52.120 experts on my show to selfishly make me a better parent, 0:02:52.200 --> 0:02:57.680 And here's one of those examples. So thank you for 0:02:57.720 --> 0:03:00.840 coming on. Can you tell us Dr Baxley, why did 0:03:00.880 --> 0:03:03.280 you write this book? What in your personal experience made 0:03:03.280 --> 0:03:06.600 you write this book. I think it's been a culmination 0:03:06.680 --> 0:03:10.720 of life experiences. But there was one in particular incidents 0:03:10.760 --> 0:03:13.919 in my life as a mom where my son who 0:03:14.000 --> 0:03:18.520 was having anxiety and really in a place of irrational thinking. 0:03:18.960 --> 0:03:21.000 He had just been recently diagnosed with O c D, 0:03:21.800 --> 0:03:25.600 and he left the house in that state, and all 0:03:25.639 --> 0:03:27.120 of the things that I thought I had taught my 0:03:27.200 --> 0:03:30.440 kids about saying safe about the world, about racism, about 0:03:30.440 --> 0:03:33.280 their skin and all those things, it all came crushing 0:03:33.280 --> 0:03:35.920 down on me like did I do enough? Is me 0:03:36.080 --> 0:03:39.840 teaching him this enough to keep him safe? And at 0:03:39.840 --> 0:03:43.600 that moment, I wasn't sure that me doing that was enough? 0:03:43.880 --> 0:03:46.840 And it was kind of the turning point. I really 0:03:47.280 --> 0:03:50.080 believe in this idea of a village and what do 0:03:50.200 --> 0:03:52.120 I need to do to make sure there's a village 0:03:52.120 --> 0:03:54.680 around my children, and how I can be a village 0:03:54.680 --> 0:03:57.880 for other people's children. I have such goose bumps. There's 0:03:57.880 --> 0:04:00.760 a part in your book where you talk about it's 0:04:00.840 --> 0:04:06.880 not just my child, Your children are kept safer by 0:04:07.080 --> 0:04:11.320 helping other children know about our world and other parents. 0:04:11.680 --> 0:04:13.720 How do we speak about race to our children. All 0:04:13.720 --> 0:04:17.120 of this effects our children personally, which is great, But 0:04:17.320 --> 0:04:21.000 really what's great is it it helps the larger collective 0:04:21.160 --> 0:04:26.200 of children. It just became such a community effort. Yeah, 0:04:26.240 --> 0:04:31.279 because here I am like in this paralyzing fear on 0:04:31.360 --> 0:04:34.599 the floor in my bedroom, and my kid is now 0:04:34.680 --> 0:04:39.600 running around in my predominantly white neighborhood, and I am 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:42.919 freaking out about is he safe? Did I talk to 0:04:43.040 --> 0:04:44.800 my enough of my neighbors? Do I know enough of 0:04:44.839 --> 0:04:47.600 my neighbors and know this is my kid? All those 0:04:47.880 --> 0:04:50.560 thoughts you know that you thought you've kind of protected 0:04:50.600 --> 0:04:55.640 them from or that you have prepared them for, it 0:04:55.720 --> 0:05:02.440 all came crashing down. Hm. We are misaligned if we 0:05:02.520 --> 0:05:06.279 think that we are just raising our own kids. You know, 0:05:06.400 --> 0:05:09.680 I believe in that idea of parenting as activism. You know, 0:05:09.760 --> 0:05:11.880 the things that we do and set our homes, They're 0:05:11.880 --> 0:05:14.200 going to show up in public spaces one we or another. 0:05:14.720 --> 0:05:16.680 And so the question is how do we want our 0:05:16.720 --> 0:05:18.839 kids to show up in the world and how we 0:05:18.880 --> 0:05:21.720 want the world to show up for them. I love 0:05:22.000 --> 0:05:26.479 this and how help us, help us? Help me? Okay? 0:05:27.320 --> 0:05:32.600 What is radical love? Yeah? Radical love is this notion 0:05:32.720 --> 0:05:36.599 that we are loving beyond the people that are in 0:05:36.640 --> 0:05:41.320 our circles. Right. It's about this idea of really showing 0:05:41.440 --> 0:05:44.839 up for people in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Right. 0:05:45.600 --> 0:05:50.279 It's focusing on looking at perspectives, actively listening to other people. 0:05:50.800 --> 0:05:54.040 It's about seeing the humanity and all of us and 0:05:54.120 --> 0:05:58.080 let that be the starting space for how we build relationships. 0:05:58.920 --> 0:06:02.720 And often we we have limits around our love, right, 0:06:02.880 --> 0:06:05.240 or we have check boxes around our love. But radical 0:06:05.279 --> 0:06:07.479 love is about me loving your kids the way I 0:06:07.520 --> 0:06:10.320 love mine, right, Me showing up for them every day, 0:06:10.680 --> 0:06:13.280 things that I do, the things that I teach my children. 0:06:13.560 --> 0:06:15.440 I'm doing that with the thought of how it's going 0:06:15.480 --> 0:06:19.920 to impact your children. Yes, we are all responsible as 0:06:19.960 --> 0:06:23.440 a collective. I'm hoping that through this work on Katie's 0:06:23.440 --> 0:06:26.760 Crib and your book and others like us, our children 0:06:26.800 --> 0:06:29.720 and our children's children will be in a better, more 0:06:29.839 --> 0:06:33.760 radical love place. Part of the book really is talking 0:06:33.760 --> 0:06:37.440 about how we help our kids to self advocate. It's 0:06:37.440 --> 0:06:40.120 our job to model for them how to use big 0:06:40.120 --> 0:06:44.400 emotions in ways that make sense in the social context. 0:06:44.960 --> 0:06:52.120 In your book, you state this word rocks, reflection, open dialogue, compassion, kindness, 0:06:52.400 --> 0:06:55.960 social justice engagement are qualities in what you're talking about 0:06:56.000 --> 0:06:59.120 a pro justice home. Can you tell us a little 0:06:59.160 --> 0:07:02.880 bit about rocks and where this came from. Yeah, I 0:07:02.880 --> 0:07:05.800 don't know where it came from. Like, I don't want 0:07:05.800 --> 0:07:08.320 it together, right, I'm like, these are all the things 0:07:08.320 --> 0:07:10.560 that I want to do to make sure my kids 0:07:11.040 --> 0:07:14.040 are doing for themselves. Right, We're doing in our family, 0:07:14.280 --> 0:07:16.560 and we're going to do it in the community. It's 0:07:16.560 --> 0:07:19.680 those three kind of lenses in which we need to practice. 0:07:19.840 --> 0:07:21.360 How are we doing it for ourselves, How are we 0:07:21.440 --> 0:07:23.480 doing it in our family and teaching our kids, and 0:07:23.480 --> 0:07:25.240 then how our family is going out into the world 0:07:25.280 --> 0:07:27.160 to teach it. So they're they're kind of like the 0:07:27.200 --> 0:07:29.760 building blocks of social justice parenting. I think a lot 0:07:29.760 --> 0:07:32.280 of people, first of all, they get freaked out by 0:07:32.320 --> 0:07:34.880 the social justice. Right, we're trying to make the words 0:07:34.960 --> 0:07:38.200 social justice something that it's not. It's not this thing 0:07:38.240 --> 0:07:41.160 that we have to be on one side or another about. 0:07:41.200 --> 0:07:43.920 It's not something that we should use to weaponize in 0:07:44.000 --> 0:07:48.040 any way. It's just about basic human rights. We want 0:07:48.080 --> 0:07:51.880 everybody to have the opportunity that they need to have 0:07:51.960 --> 0:07:55.000 the best life. Right. That's what social justice about. Giving 0:07:55.000 --> 0:07:57.040 people the basic needs that they need so they can 0:07:57.120 --> 0:08:00.000 put themselves in the best position possible. Nothing should be 0:08:00.040 --> 0:08:05.240 controversial about that, agreed. And yeah, so the rocks are 0:08:05.280 --> 0:08:09.680 really the building blocks on which social justice parenting is built. 0:08:10.200 --> 0:08:14.840 It's about this idea of reflecting on our own shit 0:08:15.160 --> 0:08:17.640 really right, the things that we we are coming to 0:08:17.760 --> 0:08:21.200 parenting with, being able to separate what's great about it 0:08:21.240 --> 0:08:22.880 and what we need to get rid of it right 0:08:22.960 --> 0:08:26.040 in our parenting. The O is for open dialogue and 0:08:26.040 --> 0:08:28.320 this is like real conversations you have to have with yourself, 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:30.640 but being honest and where you are in your parenting, 0:08:30.880 --> 0:08:33.480 where you are in your biases and your stereotypes are 0:08:33.520 --> 0:08:36.560 all the things that you hold. And then how we 0:08:36.600 --> 0:08:40.439 have these heart conversations with our children often messy, sometimes 0:08:40.480 --> 0:08:42.920 we don't know how, but we have to have them. 0:08:42.960 --> 0:08:44.840 It's the only way to get through it and to 0:08:44.960 --> 0:08:48.360 change the way we all show up. And then the 0:08:48.400 --> 0:08:51.640 C and the K are compassion and kindness, which go together. Right. 0:08:51.679 --> 0:08:54.280 The compassion is the feeling the Kindness is the action. 0:08:54.679 --> 0:08:57.240 How are we showing up for ourselves? Right? That's my 0:08:57.360 --> 0:09:00.319 heart part. And self compassion is something that I'm working 0:09:00.320 --> 0:09:03.360 on every single day. That's the hardest for me. Um, 0:09:03.400 --> 0:09:05.840 So our kids need to see us doing it for ourselves. 0:09:06.120 --> 0:09:07.920 We need to be showing up for our kids when 0:09:07.920 --> 0:09:11.040 they make mistakes, you know, are they forgiven immediately? Do 0:09:11.080 --> 0:09:13.120 we hold grudges with their kids? You know? We have 0:09:13.200 --> 0:09:15.959 to think about how we are aligning what we do 0:09:16.000 --> 0:09:17.920 with the values that we're trying to teach our kids. 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:20.199 And then the kindness are the little things that we're 0:09:20.240 --> 0:09:24.520 building habits around where kindness becomes normalize in our homes. 0:09:24.880 --> 0:09:27.560 And then the S is social engagement. So how do 0:09:27.640 --> 0:09:30.560 we see these things going on in the world. Whatever 0:09:30.600 --> 0:09:33.679 those things are for your family that are most important, 0:09:33.880 --> 0:09:36.839 could be an environment, it could be homelessness, whatever that 0:09:36.880 --> 0:09:41.160 thing is for me obviously, it's it's about racial justice 0:09:41.520 --> 0:09:44.839 is part of it. And how do we teach our 0:09:44.920 --> 0:09:47.800 kids to care outside of our home enough to want 0:09:47.800 --> 0:09:50.360 to make change? Yeah, how do you get them to 0:09:51.000 --> 0:09:55.480 be proactive? That's what we need. We need proactive behavior. 0:09:55.559 --> 0:09:58.000 We were so lucky on Katie's cript to have Dr 0:09:58.120 --> 0:10:03.080 Lee Beverly Tatum the show, and she said, we're all 0:10:03.120 --> 0:10:07.360 just walking on this like one of those magic carpets 0:10:07.360 --> 0:10:11.520 at an airport conveyor belt, and so we're all just 0:10:11.559 --> 0:10:15.679 walking on this conveyor belt. And if even if you're 0:10:15.720 --> 0:10:19.680 standing still, you're still moving in a racist world. And 0:10:19.760 --> 0:10:24.439 unless you walk in the opposite direction of the conveyor belt, 0:10:24.840 --> 0:10:29.400 that's being proactive, that's being anti racist. And you're like, 0:10:29.480 --> 0:10:32.920 oh shit, Like okay, I got to teach my kids, 0:10:32.960 --> 0:10:35.640 like that's right. How are you active in your community? 0:10:35.720 --> 0:10:38.360 How do you actively seek change? And that doesn't have 0:10:38.440 --> 0:10:41.360 to be necessary, it's how it is authentic to you, 0:10:41.760 --> 0:10:46.040 but it needs to happen. You talked about this open dialogue. 0:10:46.640 --> 0:10:49.960 What would be dialogue you would recommend children use in 0:10:50.040 --> 0:10:54.800 these hard and unexpected situations. For example, you have an 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:57.680 experience at an eight week boot camp fitness class before 0:10:57.679 --> 0:11:00.160 you had kids. Can you tell us some how full 0:11:00.160 --> 0:11:04.000 ways a child could have responded? Yeah? Yeah. So the 0:11:04.760 --> 0:11:09.800 moral of the story is the director's child said the 0:11:09.920 --> 0:11:12.440 N word. And my girlfriend I were the only black 0:11:12.480 --> 0:11:14.160 people in the boot camp that we had been in 0:11:14.200 --> 0:11:15.840 for eight weeks, and we thought we were all like 0:11:15.960 --> 0:11:19.120 family and at that moment, nobody stood up for us. Right, 0:11:19.160 --> 0:11:21.959 we just felt like, what the heck? You know, we 0:11:22.240 --> 0:11:25.040 had no allies at that moment and we were caught 0:11:25.040 --> 0:11:28.880 off guard. But sometimes the ally ship doesn't have to 0:11:28.920 --> 0:11:31.640 be anything big. Right if somebody had just touched me 0:11:31.679 --> 0:11:34.440 on the shoulder to say that I felt that I 0:11:34.480 --> 0:11:38.040 wasn't invisible, right, that that their presence was was there. 0:11:39.280 --> 0:11:42.280 Kids can say I don't like the way that feels 0:11:42.360 --> 0:11:46.560 for me, or I am standing with you. It's not 0:11:46.640 --> 0:11:51.240 a big gesture in that moment. People need to feel 0:11:51.280 --> 0:11:56.520 seen and they need to feel protected in a certain sense, 0:11:56.640 --> 0:12:00.280 right that supported and um, sometimes it's just a touch, 0:12:00.360 --> 0:12:03.720 Sometimes it's just moving near. So we could teach our 0:12:03.760 --> 0:12:05.960 case to just stand next to the person who is 0:12:06.440 --> 0:12:09.920 being marginalized in some way, and and and sometimes that 0:12:10.080 --> 0:12:14.720 silence of just standing next to them is enough. I'm 0:12:14.760 --> 0:12:19.640 a big proponent and role playing. I think we have 0:12:19.840 --> 0:12:23.120 to say, what if this happens, What are some things 0:12:23.120 --> 0:12:26.240 that we can do that align with our core values 0:12:26.280 --> 0:12:29.280 of in our home that stand up for other people, 0:12:29.280 --> 0:12:32.160 because that's something that's really important to us. What if 0:12:32.240 --> 0:12:36.600 your friend says this about somebody else, let's name three 0:12:36.600 --> 0:12:39.360 things that we can do if this ever happened, What 0:12:39.440 --> 0:12:41.560 if that happens to you? What can you say back 0:12:42.240 --> 0:12:45.280 this way? When the kids are in those situations, they 0:12:45.320 --> 0:12:47.680 don't have to think or be caught off guard because 0:12:47.760 --> 0:12:50.119 in the back of their minds, in their back pockets, 0:12:50.400 --> 0:12:53.679 they've practiced it. So it will automatically. It become automatic 0:12:54.240 --> 0:12:57.199 after a while because they will already have these things ready, 0:12:57.240 --> 0:13:00.640 rehearsed and ready to use. I mean, they'll be looking 0:13:00.640 --> 0:13:04.240 for situations to use it right because they practice them 0:13:04.320 --> 0:13:09.360 so much. Also, it's important that your kids see you 0:13:09.520 --> 0:13:12.559 doing the same thing. So when you see things that 0:13:12.600 --> 0:13:16.040 aren't right, you should be having those conversations with your 0:13:16.080 --> 0:13:19.040 children about it, even when you don't stand up and 0:13:19.080 --> 0:13:20.520 you can say, you know what, I want to talk 0:13:20.559 --> 0:13:24.079 about what happened yesterday. Remember when we heard that ladies 0:13:24.520 --> 0:13:28.199 um say something negative about the other man in line. 0:13:28.600 --> 0:13:30.800 I really wanted to say something, but I was I 0:13:30.880 --> 0:13:33.520 was afraid that is not the way I want to 0:13:33.520 --> 0:13:36.280 show up the next time. So the next time that happens, 0:13:36.320 --> 0:13:38.800 here are some things that I think I'm gonna do differently, 0:13:39.160 --> 0:13:42.559 So they know that sometimes fear will get in the way. 0:13:42.640 --> 0:13:44.760 But we were coming up with ideas to do when 0:13:44.800 --> 0:13:46.800 when fear takes over and we really want to show 0:13:46.880 --> 0:13:50.480 up in a different person. HM. As as far as 0:13:50.480 --> 0:13:54.679 a parent is concerned of how to address being an ally, UM, 0:13:54.720 --> 0:13:57.080 I think it's even harder for us as parents because 0:13:57.160 --> 0:14:00.120 we have lived a life where we haven't done it. 0:14:00.160 --> 0:14:01.920 Where kids are younger and it may be easier for 0:14:01.960 --> 0:14:05.160 them to pick up. And what I find often is 0:14:05.200 --> 0:14:09.720 that as a parent who's learning to walk and do 0:14:09.800 --> 0:14:12.720 the work, UM, you may not get it right the 0:14:12.760 --> 0:14:15.960 first time right. But I think it's really important to 0:14:16.000 --> 0:14:19.280 know if, for instance, in that moment at the boot camp, 0:14:19.600 --> 0:14:22.920 when no other parents, no other adults stood up for me, 0:14:24.000 --> 0:14:26.480 it would have been okay for them to circle back around, 0:14:26.800 --> 0:14:29.080 you know, the next day after thinking about it, or 0:14:29.120 --> 0:14:32.160 the next week and say, you know what, I didn't 0:14:32.160 --> 0:14:34.320 show up the way. I felt so bad. I felt 0:14:34.320 --> 0:14:36.480 paralyzed in the moment, and I didn't know what to do. 0:14:37.040 --> 0:14:40.760 Because when you say that you're paralyzed the moment, but 0:14:40.800 --> 0:14:43.880 you're still thinking about it and it bothered you. That 0:14:44.080 --> 0:14:46.120 is letting me know that you're open to learning and 0:14:46.120 --> 0:14:49.640 growing right, and then we can have conversations about what 0:14:49.640 --> 0:14:52.400 what I needed in that moment and really what I 0:14:52.400 --> 0:14:54.160 need in that moment. It's the same thing I would 0:14:54.280 --> 0:14:57.640 tell my kid to do right, stand stand next to 0:14:57.760 --> 0:15:02.720 stand with UM, say that that bothers me. I don't 0:15:02.760 --> 0:15:05.200 feel good using that word or hearing that word that way, 0:15:05.320 --> 0:15:08.160 or looking at me and saying I'm so sorry that happened. 0:15:08.760 --> 0:15:10.320 You don't have to have the answers of what to 0:15:10.360 --> 0:15:13.080 do next, but you can just say I'm sorry that 0:15:13.080 --> 0:15:16.680 that happened to you. But I think circling back to 0:15:16.720 --> 0:15:21.280 have the conversation is really important. That's so good. Yeah, 0:15:21.400 --> 0:15:24.040 like not the worst is just pretending this ship isn't 0:15:24.080 --> 0:15:28.880 happening or doesn't happen. That's just like yeah, and we 0:15:28.920 --> 0:15:31.600 don't like you know, we don't always make the right 0:15:31.680 --> 0:15:34.920 choices in the moment. But you have to be you 0:15:35.000 --> 0:15:37.120 have to be big about that enough to say, shit, 0:15:37.240 --> 0:15:40.360 I screwed up, I should have I could have. I'm 0:15:40.400 --> 0:15:43.280 trying to teach my kids to do that. UM, let 0:15:43.320 --> 0:15:45.400 me at least go back and and say something to 0:15:45.440 --> 0:15:48.560 the person. And sometimes too, you have to go back 0:15:48.600 --> 0:15:51.720 to the person who said it and say listen, and 0:15:51.760 --> 0:15:53.280 maybe you want to do it one on one. I 0:15:53.280 --> 0:15:56.920 don't know when you said that to to Tracy, it 0:15:57.040 --> 0:15:59.640 was jacked up. I didn't say anything then, but now 0:15:59.680 --> 0:16:02.680 that I'm reviewing all the stuff that we said, so 0:16:02.720 --> 0:16:04.840 we have to confront the people who said the jacked 0:16:04.880 --> 0:16:08.920 up thing, because maybe they don't realize that it was inappropriate. 0:16:09.840 --> 0:16:12.400 I try to look at life through this lands of 0:16:12.760 --> 0:16:18.120 um assuming good intent, right, like he didn't mean to 0:16:18.200 --> 0:16:20.520 offend me, she didn't mean to offend me, but they did. 0:16:20.920 --> 0:16:23.160 So let me explain to them why it was offensive, 0:16:23.280 --> 0:16:25.880 and hopes that now they know better, they'll do better 0:16:25.960 --> 0:16:29.400 next time. I think we make things more complicated than 0:16:29.400 --> 0:16:34.480 they are. Yes, racism, systemic racism is complicated. But if 0:16:34.560 --> 0:16:37.320 we can teach our kids these little things in their 0:16:37.360 --> 0:16:40.680 lives that starts to make small shifts over time, it 0:16:40.720 --> 0:16:52.360 doesn't seem as big and daunting. Growing up in a 0:16:52.440 --> 0:16:56.040 household where we you know, we had this nineties household 0:16:56.040 --> 0:16:58.280 where we had friends that were all different colors, and 0:16:58.880 --> 0:17:01.840 my parents wouldn't ever have talked about it, and if 0:17:01.840 --> 0:17:04.919 you did, it was like that's not allowed, Like you 0:17:05.000 --> 0:17:08.120 don't say the black friend, you know, you just we 0:17:08.119 --> 0:17:13.800 were like overly washing away any sort of systemic racism 0:17:13.920 --> 0:17:15.520 like that as long as we all love each other 0:17:15.520 --> 0:17:17.680 and they're nice to each other, then we're not racist. Right, 0:17:17.800 --> 0:17:20.439 That's where That's where I'm coming from. Now, that's a 0:17:20.520 --> 0:17:23.120 huge step forward from where their parents were coming from, 0:17:23.119 --> 0:17:28.159 which their parents were coming from, terrible language around people 0:17:28.160 --> 0:17:31.400 of color. You know, we're not friends with people of color, 0:17:31.440 --> 0:17:34.720 those sorts of things. And now where I'm coming from 0:17:35.040 --> 0:17:39.919 is this open dialogue naming race. And it's really been 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:42.520 such a blessing to have this podcast and to learn. 0:17:43.280 --> 0:17:45.600 For example, I was at a cafe with my son. 0:17:45.760 --> 0:17:48.920 Outside there was a black man and an Asian man 0:17:49.040 --> 0:17:51.639 at a table, and my son was like, look, he 0:17:51.720 --> 0:17:55.480 has black skin. Now I before two years ago, I 0:17:55.480 --> 0:17:57.520 would have been I don't know what to do. I'm horrified. 0:17:57.600 --> 0:18:00.560 Is that bad? Is that good? Why am I freaking out? 0:18:00.600 --> 0:18:03.240 I don't know why I'm freaking out. And thank God 0:18:03.280 --> 0:18:06.040 for the work we're doing. Like you're talking about small changes. 0:18:06.760 --> 0:18:09.000 I say, yeah, he does have black skin. He also 0:18:09.080 --> 0:18:12.160 has this color hair, and she this woman over here 0:18:12.200 --> 0:18:14.840 has yellow hair and you have pink skin, and looked 0:18:14.840 --> 0:18:16.800 at like I started pointing out the people in the 0:18:16.800 --> 0:18:20.000 restaurant and how they everyone had different things going on 0:18:20.080 --> 0:18:22.480 about their appearance and that they were very beautiful and 0:18:22.520 --> 0:18:26.720 things were different. I feel so fortunate to know that 0:18:26.920 --> 0:18:30.479 I that that is the right move. Yeah, that's part 0:18:30.520 --> 0:18:33.119 of the reflection piece, like why am I so afraid 0:18:33.119 --> 0:18:36.400 of this? Where is this coming from? You know? And um, 0:18:36.440 --> 0:18:38.800 how do I now start to unravel this? And I 0:18:38.840 --> 0:18:43.479 think you did great in the pandemic times especially. I 0:18:43.480 --> 0:18:45.800 feel like a lot of the younger kids have not 0:18:45.920 --> 0:18:48.760 had a lot of experiences, truthfully, like being out and 0:18:48.800 --> 0:18:52.600 about because we were isolated. And a few weeks ago, 0:18:53.040 --> 0:18:55.600 I am on a new television show on CBS called 0:18:55.600 --> 0:18:58.639 How We Roll and because we're all the show has 0:18:58.680 --> 0:19:01.480 sort of potted up together because we tested every single day. 0:19:01.520 --> 0:19:03.320 After wrap. One day, I said, everyone come over to 0:19:03.359 --> 0:19:05.439 my yard and let's have like a pizza party. And 0:19:05.480 --> 0:19:07.960 I let my son stay up late because he was like, 0:19:08.000 --> 0:19:09.840 holy sh it, they're going to be people over. No 0:19:09.840 --> 0:19:12.800 one ever comes over anymore. So they're in the yard 0:19:13.440 --> 0:19:17.240 and the first person that walks in is this lovely 0:19:17.280 --> 0:19:20.840 actor named Taj Maori. His sister, Tia Maori, was actually 0:19:20.920 --> 0:19:25.520 on the podcast. He's bi racial, black and white, and 0:19:25.720 --> 0:19:29.800 he has very tight, curly black hair and he walked 0:19:29.840 --> 0:19:32.960 in and the first thing my son says is, look, mom, 0:19:33.119 --> 0:19:35.800 he has the same kind of hair as the basketball 0:19:35.840 --> 0:19:40.680 players on television. Okay, so my husband is obsessed with basketball. 0:19:40.720 --> 0:19:43.480 Basketball is on in my house all fucking day, all night. 0:19:43.720 --> 0:19:46.399 So he said that, and I allowedly to Taj, and 0:19:46.440 --> 0:19:48.320 I was like, I don't even know what to do 0:19:48.359 --> 0:19:51.480 with this, And I said, I don't know whether i'm 0:19:51.600 --> 0:19:53.720 I don't know whether I should apologize that I don't 0:19:53.760 --> 0:19:56.919 have a lot of black people in my house. In 0:19:56.960 --> 0:19:59.240 the last two years, I haven't had anyone really in 0:19:59.359 --> 0:20:02.320 my house. And oh, he sees black people on television 0:20:02.359 --> 0:20:06.320 playing basketball, and that's why he's saying that. Taj was amazing. 0:20:06.359 --> 0:20:08.080 He thought it was sucking larrs. He didn't care, but 0:20:08.200 --> 0:20:11.200 I was trying to like, yes, he has different kind 0:20:11.240 --> 0:20:13.760 of hair, and some people a sand television also have 0:20:13.960 --> 0:20:18.119 that same kind of hair. Then Val walks in, who's 0:20:18.160 --> 0:20:20.879 my co star Pete Holmes wife? And she's incredibly short, 0:20:21.119 --> 0:20:24.159 like very very short. She I'm not she knows. My 0:20:24.200 --> 0:20:25.959 son was like, can I play with her? She's a 0:20:25.960 --> 0:20:28.080 three year old? And I said, she's not a three 0:20:28.119 --> 0:20:31.200 year old, he said, but she's so so, so small, 0:20:31.800 --> 0:20:34.120 she's not a grown up, and it became this whole thing. 0:20:34.320 --> 0:20:38.639 So talk to me about how I should have handled 0:20:38.640 --> 0:20:42.239 that situation better and what I should have said. And 0:20:42.440 --> 0:20:46.879 I think to the pandemic has made everything kind of 0:20:46.880 --> 0:20:49.080 out of sorts, right, We're all trying to figure some 0:20:49.119 --> 0:20:51.280 things out in the pandemic that we didn't have to 0:20:51.280 --> 0:20:54.720 figure out before. I don't think that there's anything wrong 0:20:54.760 --> 0:20:58.639 with what he said, Like, I think it's our baggage. 0:20:59.040 --> 0:21:02.399 What he's seeing is totally okay. And I don't think 0:21:02.640 --> 0:21:05.879 any adult should have been offended by that, but they 0:21:05.880 --> 0:21:09.440 weren't be offended. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if 0:21:09.480 --> 0:21:11.800 we just let go of the fact that it's not 0:21:11.840 --> 0:21:14.320 coming from us, but it's coming from a kid who 0:21:14.440 --> 0:21:17.840 is curious and who is trying to figure the world out. 0:21:17.880 --> 0:21:19.919 I mean, I like to say stuff like that is 0:21:19.960 --> 0:21:23.160 such a curious question, right. I love that you are 0:21:23.320 --> 0:21:25.720 using the things that you know to try to make 0:21:25.800 --> 0:21:28.280 sense of something new. I mean, that is very smart 0:21:28.320 --> 0:21:32.720 of you. And it also, you know, just from a 0:21:32.760 --> 0:21:35.840 real a real perspective, it buys you a couple more 0:21:35.880 --> 0:21:37.359 minutes to try to figure out what the hell I'm 0:21:37.400 --> 0:21:41.399 gonna say, right, Like you know. Wow, that is a 0:21:41.440 --> 0:21:45.120 great question, and um, you know your curiosity amazes me, 0:21:45.840 --> 0:21:48.040 and um, I really like that question for a lot 0:21:48.040 --> 0:21:51.280 of reasons. But let me tell you what I think 0:21:51.600 --> 0:21:54.600 you know and then go on to say what you think. 0:21:55.000 --> 0:21:57.360 And then the thing the great thing about that is 0:21:57.920 --> 0:22:01.280 you may get it wrong, but you're kids will always 0:22:01.320 --> 0:22:03.399 be open to you. Come back and say, hey, listen, 0:22:04.280 --> 0:22:07.920 last week when you asked me about miss val thinking 0:22:08.000 --> 0:22:10.439 she was a kid. Um, I don't know if I 0:22:10.480 --> 0:22:13.080 gave you the right answer. Tell me what you heard 0:22:13.119 --> 0:22:15.640 me say, right, So then you get to fill out 0:22:15.680 --> 0:22:17.840 what they're thinking and what they got and where the 0:22:17.880 --> 0:22:21.320 gaps are. If you ask me that again today, this 0:22:21.359 --> 0:22:23.920 is what I would say because I had a chance 0:22:23.960 --> 0:22:28.480 to think about it, and um, really internalize your curious question. 0:22:28.960 --> 0:22:30.919 We get to see how much how much of what 0:22:30.960 --> 0:22:33.120