1 00:00:01,680 --> 00:00:05,480 Speaker 1: Hey, the folks, it is Tuesday, August fifth, and Laurie 2 00:00:05,840 --> 00:00:09,000 Speaker 1: wrote into us and she needs our help and she 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:11,600 Speaker 1: like your help as well. You see, she has an 4 00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:17,639 Speaker 1: issue in her marriage, her forty five year marriage. She 5 00:00:17,880 --> 00:00:20,160 Speaker 1: thinks it could be broken and can't be fixed. What 6 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:25,759 Speaker 1: could possibly be the issue? Would you believe it's politics? 7 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:29,840 Speaker 1: My initial advice to her, I bet there's something more 8 00:00:29,880 --> 00:00:34,640 Speaker 1: wrong than just politics. Robes initial reaction to her is, 9 00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:38,279 Speaker 1: y'all ain't talking right. And with that, welcome to this 10 00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:42,479 Speaker 1: relationship edition of Amy and TJ, where we tackle Robes. 11 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:45,120 Speaker 1: The question that came to us on our weekly Yahoo 12 00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:51,400 Speaker 1: column dealing with relationships in forty five years? Really politics? Nah, 13 00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:52,760 Speaker 1: that's probably not it. 14 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:56,240 Speaker 2: It can't be. You know, I've always believed that you 15 00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,640 Speaker 2: can talk about anything and you can have differences as 16 00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:03,560 Speaker 2: long as there's mutual respect. So my hunch was that 17 00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,520 Speaker 2: there's an issue with trust and respect between the two, 18 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,760 Speaker 2: because if you have those two things together, it seems 19 00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:15,200 Speaker 2: like you can work through differences of opinions. Now, it's interesting, 20 00:01:15,280 --> 00:01:18,000 Speaker 2: we'll get into our reader's comments, but a lot of 21 00:01:18,000 --> 00:01:21,880 Speaker 2: folks feel like these days politics isn't politics, its values, 22 00:01:21,959 --> 00:01:26,000 Speaker 2: it's morals. It's gotten to a place where it's beyond 23 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,160 Speaker 2: what you think about the issues and more about how 24 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:34,000 Speaker 2: you treat other people. And if that's the case, they 25 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:37,080 Speaker 2: say this could be a much more significant situation, then 26 00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,000 Speaker 2: maybe even I was giving it credit for being all. 27 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:42,319 Speaker 1: Right, we'll give you the full breakdown here, But Lauria 28 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:46,960 Speaker 1: wrote in against talking about her forty five year marriage 29 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:50,480 Speaker 1: and she thinks they're possibly in trouble because of politics. Now, 30 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:51,920 Speaker 1: we gave the summary there at the top, but this 31 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:55,040 Speaker 1: is what Laurie wrote into us fully. Here is her 32 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:56,480 Speaker 1: description of the issue. 33 00:01:56,720 --> 00:02:00,240 Speaker 2: Amy and TJ after nearly forty five years together. The 34 00:02:00,280 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 2: most significant strain on my marriage is politics. My husband 35 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,840 Speaker 2: and I used to share the same party, but in 36 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:10,760 Speaker 2: recent years we found ourselves at polar opposite ends of 37 00:02:10,760 --> 00:02:15,080 Speaker 2: the spectrum. The divide has led to frequent and heated arguments. 38 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:19,680 Speaker 2: We've tried avoiding political discussions entirely to protect our relationship, 39 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:24,120 Speaker 2: but it inevitably comes up, especially when we talk about finances, 40 00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:28,040 Speaker 2: our children, or plans for the future. So how can 41 00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:31,600 Speaker 2: we create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate difficult 42 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,800 Speaker 2: conversations without damaging our marriage? 43 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,440 Speaker 1: Laurie, what was the last part of the question, how can. 44 00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:43,440 Speaker 2: We what create healthy boundaries that allow us to navigate 45 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:47,160 Speaker 2: difficult conversations without damaging our marriage. 46 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,640 Speaker 1: I take politics out of this entire equation and just 47 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:53,600 Speaker 1: go with that question. That's a question you should ask 48 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,360 Speaker 1: not just about politics in your relationship, but everything you 49 00:02:56,440 --> 00:02:59,799 Speaker 1: do in your relationship. You should create boundaries and navigate 50 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:02,799 Speaker 1: in a certain way that you are being respectful of 51 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,919 Speaker 1: the other person. You should do that already in your marriage. 52 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,320 Speaker 1: Politics shouldn't make a difference. It shouldn't matter the subject matter. 53 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,359 Speaker 1: It could be freaking the Chicago Bears, for gotta sake 54 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:17,440 Speaker 1: and the Vikings. Who cares. I mean, she shouldn't. She's 55 00:03:17,440 --> 00:03:20,280 Speaker 1: putting so much emphasis on politics. And that's where maybe 56 00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:24,119 Speaker 1: I my eyebrows went up in that she's saying politics. 57 00:03:24,480 --> 00:03:26,560 Speaker 1: But if you've been together forty five years, built a life, 58 00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:31,200 Speaker 1: and have kids, political differences after forty five years are 59 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:32,760 Speaker 1: not the problem in your marriage. 60 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,080 Speaker 2: It seems that I would absolutely agree with you. You could 61 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:39,480 Speaker 2: get into a heated argument over which way to drive 62 00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 2: the car, which way to get to the grocery store. 63 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,680 Speaker 2: I mean, there are plenty of things that seem small 64 00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:47,440 Speaker 2: that can become huge because the bigger issue is the 65 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:50,000 Speaker 2: fact that you lack respect for one another, and that, 66 00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,520 Speaker 2: to me is my best guess that that's what's going on. 67 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,040 Speaker 2: And then you have to kind of dig deeper and 68 00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:57,520 Speaker 2: ask why you feel that way. I think part of 69 00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:01,920 Speaker 2: my advice was to ask for her to ask herself 70 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:05,480 Speaker 2: why she's so triggered by what he's saying to her. 71 00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,120 Speaker 2: Why is he so triggered? He needs to ask himself 72 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,520 Speaker 2: why he's so triggered by what she's saying to him. 73 00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,560 Speaker 2: And I think that you can't change with the other 74 00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:16,240 Speaker 2: person thinks Sarah feels or believes, But you can ask 75 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:22,679 Speaker 2: yourself why you are so personally upset or maybe even 76 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:26,400 Speaker 2: why you feel attacked because your partner doesn't think or 77 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,600 Speaker 2: believe the same things you do. 78 00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:30,919 Speaker 1: Okay, but there is this question and indictment on their 79 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:35,680 Speaker 1: relationship or is it more so another snapshot of just 80 00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:40,320 Speaker 1: how divisive our politics have gotten in this country, so 81 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:43,560 Speaker 1: bad that it's even causing problems in marriages. Seriously, I'm 82 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:47,600 Speaker 1: asking seriously in that is this problem really in that 83 00:04:47,720 --> 00:04:51,680 Speaker 1: marriage or is this really just a typical sign we 84 00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,560 Speaker 1: talk about all the time. You say your family, you'll 85 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:55,760 Speaker 1: have things that are off limits other families. When I 86 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,760 Speaker 1: go to talk about politics, you get heated. So which 87 00:04:58,839 --> 00:04:59,760 Speaker 1: is it? 88 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,960 Speaker 2: It'd be a little bit of both, babe, because I 89 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,800 Speaker 2: think a lot of people say we aren't dealing with 90 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:08,520 Speaker 2: Republicans versus Democrats. A lot of this could be Trump related, 91 00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:13,279 Speaker 2: Maga related, extreme feelings or beliefs that are on either 92 00:05:13,320 --> 00:05:16,320 Speaker 2: side of the spectrum. I imagine if they're closer, even 93 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:18,520 Speaker 2: you could be a liberal and you could be a 94 00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,000 Speaker 2: conservative and you could still find middle ground. I mean, 95 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:23,000 Speaker 2: obviously we see that happen in the halls of Congress. 96 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:25,360 Speaker 2: But maybe he's far to the right and maybe she's 97 00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,359 Speaker 2: far to the left, and maybe that is too much. 98 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:30,480 Speaker 1: What shouldn't I say? So what to that? If this 99 00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:33,279 Speaker 1: is the person I've spent forty five years with, I'm 100 00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:35,880 Speaker 1: just saying what comes between that? You really telling me 101 00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:39,600 Speaker 1: that all of a sudden, the political candidates have made 102 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:42,360 Speaker 1: you feel so strongly in your position that you no 103 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:43,760 Speaker 1: longer can stand this woman. 104 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:46,360 Speaker 2: It's hard to believe that that has to be what 105 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:48,000 Speaker 2: I mean, it's very hard to believe. I could see 106 00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:52,360 Speaker 2: how it could add a strain to something that's already Yes, 107 00:05:52,440 --> 00:05:55,359 Speaker 2: I don't want to say broken, but certainly stretched toothin 108 00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:59,680 Speaker 2: where it's very delicate. You're already dealing with years and 109 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:03,200 Speaker 2: years of issues, and then this could be the final 110 00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,280 Speaker 2: nail in the coffin. I could see how that could 111 00:06:05,279 --> 00:06:07,720 Speaker 2: be the final strain. Or it's just now too much. 112 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,360 Speaker 2: But you're right, there has to be something else in 113 00:06:10,360 --> 00:06:14,400 Speaker 2: those four decades, something else had to have. If they 114 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:18,000 Speaker 2: had a strong support system, they wouldn't This wouldn't be 115 00:06:18,120 --> 00:06:19,840 Speaker 2: the hill that they die on. 116 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:23,400 Speaker 1: This couldn't be. It just couldn't be. And we're going 117 00:06:23,480 --> 00:06:25,159 Speaker 1: to get into some of the comments we've gott and 118 00:06:25,200 --> 00:06:29,479 Speaker 1: got thousands of them from fellow readers of that column. 119 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:34,479 Speaker 1: But this I am curious on this one because so 120 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,279 Speaker 1: many people are really quick and some of the previous 121 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:40,360 Speaker 1: questions to just be dismissive and say, nope, you need 122 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:42,479 Speaker 1: to drop them, Nope, y'all need to break up. But nope, 123 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:47,360 Speaker 1: this one just seems like you read through all the comments, 124 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:50,360 Speaker 1: did you see a lot of people having quick, snap 125 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,440 Speaker 1: yes answers to this. Well was what. 126 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,240 Speaker 2: Interesting to me is the folks who who chimed in, 127 00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,920 Speaker 2: and again a lot of folks did. They kind of 128 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:01,760 Speaker 2: surprised me. Many people who wrote in and said that 129 00:07:02,240 --> 00:07:05,960 Speaker 2: they wouldn't be able to be with someone who voted 130 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:10,280 Speaker 2: for a certain candidate, and they actually were supportive of 131 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,600 Speaker 2: her leaving him. They were trying to guess who had 132 00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:15,280 Speaker 2: voted for whom or who was on which side of 133 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,600 Speaker 2: the political aisle. And then people came out strongly saying 134 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:21,000 Speaker 2: there's no way a marriage can survive that, And I 135 00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,920 Speaker 2: just thought that was so surprising. 136 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:27,960 Speaker 1: And upsetting that we are actually again, I didn't read 137 00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,360 Speaker 1: through all of them. You had a sense of which 138 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:34,440 Speaker 1: direction it was going. But the idea that there is 139 00:07:34,520 --> 00:07:38,320 Speaker 1: a I don't know, fairly significant just anecdotal here, because 140 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:41,800 Speaker 1: of what we have that there is a significant portion 141 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,880 Speaker 1: of the population that feels more passionately about politics than 142 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:49,920 Speaker 1: they do about marriage and relationships. That politics is number 143 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,040 Speaker 1: one somewhere on that list. Now, that's one thing. If 144 00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:53,920 Speaker 1: you meet somebody and you just start dating and you 145 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:56,200 Speaker 1: find out about their politics, like, I don't want to 146 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:58,960 Speaker 1: continue with you. But if you with somebody for forty 147 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:02,320 Speaker 1: five years and the response from people is still yep, 148 00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:06,119 Speaker 1: forty five years don't matter if it's politics, none of that. 149 00:08:06,120 --> 00:08:07,440 Speaker 1: That seems it's wild to me. 150 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:11,000 Speaker 2: And look, how many people listening here today. You might 151 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,200 Speaker 2: not be in a relationship where your partner thinks differently 152 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:18,000 Speaker 2: than you. But how about if your children have different 153 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,760 Speaker 2: political viewpoints, you're gonna just erase them out of your life, 154 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:23,480 Speaker 2: You're just gonna cut them off. What about your parents? 155 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,000 Speaker 2: What about your aunts and nuncles, people who you love, 156 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,120 Speaker 2: who you grew up with, who you supported. You can't 157 00:08:28,160 --> 00:08:30,600 Speaker 2: tell me that. So many people listening right now don't 158 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:34,079 Speaker 2: have folks in their own families who they love and respect, 159 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:38,400 Speaker 2: who voted differently, who think differently, who have different reasons 160 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:42,400 Speaker 2: why they believe what they believe. And yes, I have 161 00:08:42,559 --> 00:08:45,480 Speaker 2: made decisions not to speak of politics or religion with 162 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,160 Speaker 2: a lot of people who I love, and guess what, 163 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,040 Speaker 2: life has gotten a lot better because of it. 164 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,840 Speaker 1: Give me that what if? Then? So what if this 165 00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:55,880 Speaker 1: scenario had to do with a mother and her daughter 166 00:08:56,360 --> 00:09:01,880 Speaker 1: with a son and his dad, would this come off? 167 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,800 Speaker 1: Would people still be so quick to say, yeah, you 168 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,160 Speaker 1: got to cut your dad off, Yeah you got to 169 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:08,920 Speaker 1: cut your mom off. Or does it come across differently 170 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,120 Speaker 1: when it's that type of family unit versus this is 171 00:09:12,160 --> 00:09:14,719 Speaker 1: still family. This is a married couple of forty five years. 172 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,160 Speaker 1: They're more family than most of the family I got 173 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:20,600 Speaker 1: at this point. Would that change the equation? 174 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:24,560 Speaker 2: It's hard to say, but yes, I do believe that 175 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:26,720 Speaker 2: this was more about that romantic love. You can fall 176 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:29,079 Speaker 2: out of love with somebody because you don't respect them 177 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:31,760 Speaker 2: or you lost respect for what they think, feel, say 178 00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:35,320 Speaker 2: do versus if it's someone who yes, your parents or 179 00:09:35,360 --> 00:09:38,280 Speaker 2: your children, that's blood and you can't. 180 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,120 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's easier, I can cut this. 181 00:09:40,320 --> 00:09:42,320 Speaker 2: I think that's what it is, isn't that. I know. 182 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,400 Speaker 2: I was really discouraged ToJ I was really discouraged when 183 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,319 Speaker 2: I read some of these comments because people were so 184 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,439 Speaker 2: quick to say, basically, move on and find someone who 185 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,000 Speaker 2: thinks just like you do and then everything will be okay, 186 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,120 Speaker 2: which is insane and of course not true. 187 00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:57,880 Speaker 1: Okay, Well, can I see some of these now? Can you? 188 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,520 Speaker 1: What do you got to go? And again I always 189 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:04,720 Speaker 1: ask you said, it's usually men commenting. What was it 190 00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:05,040 Speaker 1: this time? 191 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:07,640 Speaker 2: If there were more women who were weighing on this line? 192 00:10:07,679 --> 00:10:09,680 Speaker 2: But there definitely still were more men. But we'll start 193 00:10:09,720 --> 00:10:13,360 Speaker 2: with the woman. This comes from Martha. Martha had this comment, 194 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:17,559 Speaker 2: when it comes to politics and religion, you aren't actually 195 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:21,720 Speaker 2: talking about politics and religion. You're talking about values. It's 196 00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:24,840 Speaker 2: next to impossible to build a solid relationship when you 197 00:10:24,920 --> 00:10:29,679 Speaker 2: have such dramatically differing values. If you can't talk about 198 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:33,040 Speaker 2: those things with your primary partner, you don't have a partner, 199 00:10:33,360 --> 00:10:37,439 Speaker 2: You have a roommate. My issue with Martha is that 200 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:41,400 Speaker 2: she is assigning what someone thinks to a value and 201 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:44,559 Speaker 2: then judging someone if they don't have the same values 202 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:48,640 Speaker 2: as her, that there are moral corruptions here, that that's 203 00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:52,880 Speaker 2: to be assumed. And I don't think that's a fair assumption. 204 00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:56,240 Speaker 1: I see with you. Oh well, at least my first 205 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:58,360 Speaker 1: part with that was, again, we're talking about a couple 206 00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,480 Speaker 1: here who's been together forty five years already, You already 207 00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:05,000 Speaker 1: should have a full understanding of that person's values. And 208 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,240 Speaker 1: you all have shared values because you built a home, 209 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:10,560 Speaker 1: you built a family, you got kids and all these things. 210 00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,720 Speaker 1: I get what she's saying about. It is religion, Okay. 211 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,800 Speaker 1: Simply put, if someone is religious, someone isn't religious. The 212 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,880 Speaker 1: religious person not too far from saying, well, believe they 213 00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:26,160 Speaker 1: have a better set of values. I don't even think 214 00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:28,480 Speaker 1: they would say different set of values, but they would 215 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,240 Speaker 1: say theirs are better that theirs are the one that 216 00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:36,200 Speaker 1: the non religious person should be following. So in a 217 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,760 Speaker 1: couple in a relationship, that's one thing if we just met, 218 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,240 Speaker 1: But how do you apply that robes the argument she's 219 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:46,319 Speaker 1: making to a couple that's been together for forty five years, 220 00:11:46,440 --> 00:11:48,920 Speaker 1: all of a sudden, our values are no longer in 221 00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:51,600 Speaker 1: line because of political candidates. 222 00:11:51,679 --> 00:11:56,720 Speaker 2: It seems difficult to imagine. And I don't know what 223 00:11:57,200 --> 00:12:00,600 Speaker 2: Martha said, it's impossible to build a solid relifship. Well, 224 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:03,880 Speaker 2: we can assume they've already built a relationship. We don't 225 00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:06,800 Speaker 2: know how solid it was, So that's where we don't know. 226 00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:09,079 Speaker 2: We don't have the information about how flimsy or how 227 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:09,800 Speaker 2: solid it was. 228 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:14,760 Speaker 1: Twenty five years. I am actually assigning them like a 229 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:18,480 Speaker 1: good rating in terms of a relationship that's been there. 230 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:21,199 Speaker 1: Forty five years of marriage is not something that you 231 00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,920 Speaker 1: throw away because a political candidate gets one of you 232 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,839 Speaker 1: fired up. That's embarrassing if you're saying that's the reason. 233 00:12:28,000 --> 00:12:30,880 Speaker 1: So let's step back, please and look at this, and 234 00:12:30,920 --> 00:12:34,880 Speaker 1: we have to recognize that's actually not the reason our marriage. 235 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:37,280 Speaker 2: Is can't be I'm asking you this, babe. If you 236 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:39,440 Speaker 2: and I and we don't think exactly the same on 237 00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:42,680 Speaker 2: all issues. But if we voted for different candidates or 238 00:12:42,679 --> 00:12:46,000 Speaker 2: we had very different political beliefs, do you think it 239 00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,400 Speaker 2: would be healthy in our marriage or our relationship would 240 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,480 Speaker 2: still be okay if we chose not to talk about it. 241 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,360 Speaker 2: I mean, I think that's what you're saying. If you 242 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:56,080 Speaker 2: can't talk about certain things, then you don't really have 243 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,160 Speaker 2: a relationship with a partner. If I can't talk to 244 00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,960 Speaker 2: you about politics, I agree. 245 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,760 Speaker 1: I think what it put whatever thing in there, You 246 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:08,640 Speaker 1: and your partner have to be able to talk about everything. 247 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,120 Speaker 1: If a subject is off limits because what I get 248 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,199 Speaker 1: too worked up, or we just get into a fight. 249 00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:17,520 Speaker 1: You know, a subject causes you to fight, so going 250 00:13:17,559 --> 00:13:20,360 Speaker 1: into that subject you still can't keep yourself from fighting. 251 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:21,679 Speaker 1: That's I don't buy it. 252 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:24,079 Speaker 2: I hear you, I hear you, all right. I want 253 00:13:24,080 --> 00:13:25,360 Speaker 2: to hear what Kenneth had to say. 254 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:26,400 Speaker 1: Oh, talk to me, Kennedy. 255 00:13:26,480 --> 00:13:30,320 Speaker 2: Kenneth said, if politics is the strain on a marriage, 256 00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:34,840 Speaker 2: then you should go separate ways. There can't be any love, affection, 257 00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:38,680 Speaker 2: or respect left in a marriage like that. Basically, I 258 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,720 Speaker 2: get it. He's saying. If you guys can't even have 259 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,800 Speaker 2: a conversation about politics without getting into some horrible fight 260 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,000 Speaker 2: where you're now thinking about ending your marriage. You don't 261 00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:47,520 Speaker 2: have a marriage, and. 262 00:13:47,480 --> 00:13:51,640 Speaker 1: You shouldn't be considering ending your marriage because of political candidates. 263 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:55,160 Speaker 1: You're really telling me that Joe Biden and Donald Trump 264 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,560 Speaker 1: got one of the two of you so worked up 265 00:13:59,480 --> 00:14:01,800 Speaker 1: that you know now realize that the person you've been 266 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:06,120 Speaker 1: with for forty five years you can no longer be with, 267 00:14:06,720 --> 00:14:10,079 Speaker 1: no nom that something else is going on. 268 00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,920 Speaker 2: All right, Sandy says this, I could not stay with 269 00:14:14,960 --> 00:14:18,280 Speaker 2: a partner whose values are so different from mine. To me, 270 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:24,640 Speaker 2: this is what makes a person who and what I like. 271 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:27,160 Speaker 2: I actually I am having heart time reading to me, 272 00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:30,600 Speaker 2: this is what makes a person who and what a 273 00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,040 Speaker 2: person they are. I have to step lightly around my 274 00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,560 Speaker 2: family because we are not on the same page politically, 275 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:37,920 Speaker 2: but I don't live with them, and we don't have 276 00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,840 Speaker 2: that deep connection that a spouse has. I would not 277 00:14:40,960 --> 00:14:43,280 Speaker 2: want to live like that with my spouse. To me, 278 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:47,440 Speaker 2: it would be like living with an abuser, always walking 279 00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,080 Speaker 2: on eggshells, always watching what you say. That was a 280 00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:55,760 Speaker 2: little extreme, but I think the consensus is if you 281 00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:03,080 Speaker 2: can't have a conversation about something, then you don't really 282 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:05,360 Speaker 2: have a relationship. With fighting for Where has the. 283 00:15:05,960 --> 00:15:08,080 Speaker 1: Word values has come up a couple of times? Did 284 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:08,960 Speaker 1: it come up in that one too? 285 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,760 Speaker 2: It did? Yes, she said I could not stay with 286 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,960 Speaker 2: the partner whose values are so different from mine. 287 00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,360 Speaker 1: Values are so different. This is where we should be 288 00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:22,840 Speaker 1: careful always. People can have different values, but if they do, 289 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:25,840 Speaker 1: we shouldn't assign that person being evil now because they 290 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:29,840 Speaker 1: don't share my values. That is where we get into trouble. Sometimes, 291 00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:34,080 Speaker 1: even on something as simple as abortion rights. That person's 292 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,440 Speaker 1: for it, that person's against it. Doesn't mean either one 293 00:15:37,440 --> 00:15:40,160 Speaker 1: of those people are evil. They don't share the same values, 294 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,240 Speaker 1: but one isn't better than another. If you're in your 295 00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:46,320 Speaker 1: marriage and you're looking at another person and thinks they 296 00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:50,880 Speaker 1: are you think they are not as morally sound, if 297 00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:52,960 Speaker 1: they are in some way less than you when it 298 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,600 Speaker 1: comes to values, then. 299 00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:58,680 Speaker 2: That's a wrap exactly. Because if you're talking about you 300 00:15:58,760 --> 00:16:02,040 Speaker 2: mentioned abortion rights, but it could be immigration, it could 301 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:07,680 Speaker 2: be the war in Gaza and supporting Israel or Palestine. 302 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,720 Speaker 2: I mean, there are plenty of sides that people can feel. 303 00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:14,560 Speaker 2: Their side is the valuable side, their side is the 304 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:18,360 Speaker 2: correct side, their side is the morally sound side. But yes, 305 00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:20,080 Speaker 2: that means then you have to assign to the other 306 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:24,160 Speaker 2: side all of the opposites, and therefore you don't respect 307 00:16:24,200 --> 00:16:26,320 Speaker 2: the other person. And so yes, if you're if you 308 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:29,560 Speaker 2: are assigning not only are your values different, but they're correct, 309 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:33,400 Speaker 2: it means the other person's values are incorrect. And that 310 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:34,240 Speaker 2: is where the problem. 311 00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:37,640 Speaker 1: You don't leave open the possibility that there is another way. 312 00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:40,960 Speaker 1: You don't leave open the possibility that you are wrong. 313 00:16:41,440 --> 00:16:43,320 Speaker 1: You don't leave over the possibility the way you see 314 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:48,280 Speaker 1: it as just one of many options. I really want 315 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:51,400 Speaker 1: to talk We've had several. Laurie is one I really 316 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:55,200 Speaker 1: want to talk to. I really want to talk to Laurie. 317 00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,840 Speaker 1: We got a few more comments here, but the next 318 00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:00,680 Speaker 1: two we're gonna let you hear. One person just out says, 319 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:05,959 Speaker 1: get a divorce. The other says you're making a mistake 320 00:17:06,960 --> 00:17:12,000 Speaker 1: in the value you're assigning to your partner. And they're saying, Laurie, 321 00:17:12,359 --> 00:17:14,160 Speaker 1: this is all on you. 322 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:16,600 Speaker 2: Before we go to break, I have to tell you 323 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,720 Speaker 2: about new leggings I've been living in lately. 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Tona's on a mission 333 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:53,320 Speaker 2: to end teen suicide and self harm, which we think 334 00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,560 Speaker 2: is so important and incredible, So we've partnered with Tona 335 00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:59,960 Speaker 2: to give you twenty percent off your order and free shipping. 336 00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:03,720 Speaker 2: Head to tonaactive dot com and use code iHeart for 337 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:16,280 Speaker 2: twenty percent off and free shipping. And welcome back to 338 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,840 Speaker 2: this edition of Amy and TJ. This is our Ask 339 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:23,280 Speaker 2: Amy and TJ podcast. It does, of course, our podcast 340 00:18:23,359 --> 00:18:26,920 Speaker 2: based on our Yahoo relationship advice column. You can find 341 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:29,959 Speaker 2: it on Yahoo in the Life section. Every Monday, there 342 00:18:30,040 --> 00:18:31,800 Speaker 2: is a new question from a reader and they have 343 00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:36,560 Speaker 2: been so thought provoking. This week's certainly is one that 344 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,960 Speaker 2: had a lot of you responding to because this is 345 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:42,439 Speaker 2: a woman who says she's been with her husband for 346 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:47,359 Speaker 2: nearly forty five years and politics. Politics is the reason 347 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,359 Speaker 2: why now she is considering getting a divorce. She doesn't 348 00:18:50,359 --> 00:18:53,280 Speaker 2: know if her marriage can make it through this political 349 00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:56,359 Speaker 2: divide our country is experiencing, and now this particular couple 350 00:18:56,680 --> 00:19:00,760 Speaker 2: is experiencing. And we have had several comments that we've 351 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,719 Speaker 2: been reading on the podcast, and a lot of them 352 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:06,920 Speaker 2: really surprised me. I was shocked by so many of 353 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,440 Speaker 2: you who wrote in and said this isn't going to work. 354 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,640 Speaker 2: And I guess I started approaching this thinking, how could 355 00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:16,520 Speaker 2: it not work? Just talk differently, talk better, talk with respect. 356 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:21,320 Speaker 2: But perhaps that is the issue in and of itself. 357 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,479 Speaker 1: Yeah, it's it's probably not politics. It's not about we 358 00:19:24,520 --> 00:19:27,440 Speaker 1: can't talk about politics and be respectful. No, you can't 359 00:19:27,440 --> 00:19:30,880 Speaker 1: talk and be respectful. Damn the subject. It doesn't matter. 360 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,760 Speaker 1: You're sitting across from the person you love forty five 361 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,480 Speaker 1: years of marriage. You gotta I'm not saying you're going 362 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,240 Speaker 1: to get it right every time, and mistakes are made 363 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,720 Speaker 1: and fights happening with every couple. That's not the suggestion, 364 00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:42,440 Speaker 1: but over time, over forty five years, you should really 365 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:43,920 Speaker 1: sit down and look at each other and go really, 366 00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:45,919 Speaker 1: forty five years, we were really about to do this 367 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:49,439 Speaker 1: over politics. If the answer from the other person is 368 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,840 Speaker 1: anything other than you're right, we have to do better, 369 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:54,160 Speaker 1: then it's probably over. 370 00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:57,000 Speaker 2: Yeah, you're right. I mean maybe that is the best advice, 371 00:19:57,040 --> 00:20:00,280 Speaker 2: sitting down face to face and just actually ask one other, 372 00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:03,760 Speaker 2: is this why we're so angry at each other? Why 373 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:06,400 Speaker 2: are we actually so angry at each other? You think 374 00:20:06,440 --> 00:20:08,239 Speaker 2: maybe all those years there has been a lot of 375 00:20:08,480 --> 00:20:11,960 Speaker 2: pushed down resentments and it comes up in unexpected ways, 376 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,200 Speaker 2: and maybe now in a very expected way, in a 377 00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:17,800 Speaker 2: very specific conversation. But it might just be all this 378 00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:21,160 Speaker 2: anger and resentment you've pushed down for the past four 379 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,400 Speaker 2: decades that needs to come out. 380 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:26,159 Speaker 1: Okay, she doesn't have apollo. This is a relationship. This 381 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,000 Speaker 1: isn't a politics. I think this is a relationship issue. 382 00:20:29,119 --> 00:20:31,840 Speaker 2: Isn't it Funny though we all want to point to something. Aha, 383 00:20:31,880 --> 00:20:34,440 Speaker 2: that's the reason why. That's it, that's it, that's it. 384 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,520 Speaker 2: He did this or he said this, and that's why 385 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:40,280 Speaker 2: we have a problem. And very often we don't look 386 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:44,199 Speaker 2: inward and ask ourselves why we have our problem and 387 00:20:44,240 --> 00:20:47,720 Speaker 2: how we can fix it. So this, uh, this comment came. 388 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,280 Speaker 2: I actually there's usually a name. I just have a 389 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,719 Speaker 2: bunch of numbers one zero, one two, one six, two 390 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:57,119 Speaker 2: zero two eight four one zero commented this when she asked, 391 00:20:57,160 --> 00:21:01,320 Speaker 2: can her relationship be saved? He said, not really. Politics 392 00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,560 Speaker 2: these days seems to make the other side less than 393 00:21:04,640 --> 00:21:09,280 Speaker 2: human and evil as well as ignorant and unintelligent. No 394 00:21:09,600 --> 00:21:12,800 Speaker 2: marriage can survive spouse's thinking of the other in this way, 395 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:13,960 Speaker 2: get a divorce. 396 00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:17,120 Speaker 1: I agree with that. If you are viewing each other 397 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,200 Speaker 1: the way people on both sides of the aisle or 398 00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:27,800 Speaker 1: on Twitter view each other, then yeah, because the way 399 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:32,080 Speaker 1: they with the disdain that we sometimes engage in politics 400 00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:35,480 Speaker 1: and discourse, if that's going on in the house, that's impossible. 401 00:21:35,520 --> 00:21:38,479 Speaker 2: It's no way to live for sure. And again, I 402 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:42,600 Speaker 2: just think if Laurie had the ability with her husband 403 00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:46,600 Speaker 2: to actually go underneath and go beneath the conversation of 404 00:21:46,640 --> 00:21:49,200 Speaker 2: politics and really get to the heart of the disrespect 405 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,719 Speaker 2: and the lack of all of that. You know, and 406 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:54,160 Speaker 2: I've said this before, but we always talk about love 407 00:21:54,160 --> 00:21:56,160 Speaker 2: when it comes to marriage, how much we love each other. 408 00:21:56,680 --> 00:21:58,480 Speaker 2: But I want to know how much they like each other. 409 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,760 Speaker 2: And it sounds like they don't like each other that much. 410 00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:03,879 Speaker 2: And that's sad and perhaps the real problem and the 411 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:06,440 Speaker 2: real issue, and it might extend beyond politics. 412 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,000 Speaker 1: Crazy. I love is easy. We talk about this all 413 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:12,760 Speaker 1: the time. Do you like that person? Do you like 414 00:22:12,800 --> 00:22:14,439 Speaker 1: to have a meal? Do you like to go to 415 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:17,480 Speaker 1: a movie? Because it's pretty much all life and relationships 416 00:22:17,480 --> 00:22:19,600 Speaker 1: turns out to be. We're gonna watch Netflix, We're gonna 417 00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,560 Speaker 1: eat a few meals together. Every once in a while, 418 00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:23,720 Speaker 1: we'll go see a new movie. If you don't like 419 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:26,400 Speaker 1: doing those things with who you're with, everybody listening to us, 420 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,719 Speaker 1: it's time I ask some questions. 421 00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:33,840 Speaker 2: It's something that I never considered before, which is insane 422 00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:36,000 Speaker 2: to me. And I've actually said the opposite, I don't 423 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,720 Speaker 2: like you to the person I am with, And then 424 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:42,320 Speaker 2: why that didn't strike me as Holy hell, get out 425 00:22:42,359 --> 00:22:44,920 Speaker 2: of that relationship right now. It's not gonna get better. 426 00:22:45,119 --> 00:22:48,280 Speaker 2: If you don't like someone, it's probably not gonna get better. 427 00:22:48,359 --> 00:22:51,280 Speaker 1: Yeah, Laurie, and we would ask, say, Laurie, ask yourself 428 00:22:51,320 --> 00:22:52,639 Speaker 1: that we didn't. I don't think we put that in there. 429 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:55,240 Speaker 1: We didn't know, but that's very simple. Do you like 430 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:59,920 Speaker 1: your husband? Man? For everybody listening right now, the person 431 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:03,600 Speaker 1: you're with, do you like like genuinely get excited. Ah, 432 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,120 Speaker 1: it's a meal tonight. It's gonna be fun. We get 433 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:08,800 Speaker 1: to go blank Ah, this new horror movie coming out. 434 00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:13,240 Speaker 1: Can't wait, can't wait to go with whom you know? 435 00:23:13,359 --> 00:23:17,160 Speaker 2: I've actually had this question throughout my life where I've been, 436 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,960 Speaker 2: maybe on a work assignment, I find myself in a 437 00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:22,520 Speaker 2: beautiful place. Who would you like to have standing next 438 00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:23,880 Speaker 2: to you taking in the view. 439 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,600 Speaker 1: That's a better one, that's even better than the meal. 440 00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,760 Speaker 1: Would you rather stand here alone? Do you want the 441 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,080 Speaker 1: dog with you? Do you want your best friend? But 442 00:23:33,160 --> 00:23:35,879 Speaker 1: do you actually want the person you're married to standing 443 00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:36,280 Speaker 1: next to you? 444 00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:39,240 Speaker 2: That's a question that if you ask yourself, you will 445 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:42,280 Speaker 2: have an immediate response. It'll be within you. You won't 446 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:43,960 Speaker 2: even have to think about it. It'll be a feeling, 447 00:23:44,080 --> 00:23:44,679 Speaker 2: and you will know. 448 00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:46,800 Speaker 1: This last was a long one? Was this? Yeah? 449 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:49,760 Speaker 2: This one's good though. Okay, this comes from Sky, So 450 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,840 Speaker 2: I don't know if it's a man or a woman, 451 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:53,720 Speaker 2: but we'll go with her, just so I can have 452 00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:59,880 Speaker 2: a pronoun. Sky says beliefs are just that beliefs. They 453 00:23:59,880 --> 00:24:03,199 Speaker 2: can and do evolve and change the problem is that 454 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:06,439 Speaker 2: people make their beliefs and opinions into a part of 455 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:10,520 Speaker 2: their personal identities instead of seeing them for what they are. 456 00:24:11,119 --> 00:24:14,720 Speaker 2: In a relationship, That means each person starts to defend 457 00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:18,159 Speaker 2: not their side of their argument, but their own self, 458 00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:24,440 Speaker 2: and it becomes personal and potentially explosive and nasty. Keeping 459 00:24:24,480 --> 00:24:28,240 Speaker 2: a sense of humor about ourselves helps a lot, as 460 00:24:28,240 --> 00:24:31,200 Speaker 2: well as keeping a sense of humor. In general, none 461 00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:33,680 Speaker 2: of us really knows what's going on or how things 462 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:37,119 Speaker 2: will change, or even how ourselves will change. Value you 463 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:40,960 Speaker 2: partner with your whole self, not your opinions. So much. 464 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:45,680 Speaker 2: Damn that was good. This was sky sky. I actually 465 00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:50,119 Speaker 2: got chills reading that. Not to be too much, but 466 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,119 Speaker 2: that really she couldn't I couldn't have said it better. 467 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:55,280 Speaker 2: I think she nailed it. 468 00:24:56,359 --> 00:25:00,879 Speaker 1: We need more like that, needs to that idea. If 469 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:03,280 Speaker 1: you just heard that, please spread it, Think about it, 470 00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:07,240 Speaker 1: and spread it. This idea that we are looking at 471 00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:13,480 Speaker 1: people's opinions as who they are, it's their identity. So therefore, 472 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:16,600 Speaker 1: if I disagree with your opinion, you take that as 473 00:25:16,720 --> 00:25:21,680 Speaker 1: I am fully rejecting you as a person. That does 474 00:25:21,880 --> 00:25:23,919 Speaker 1: not work because if you do it that way, obviously 475 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,720 Speaker 1: I'm going to get offended. Wait, you don't like that, 476 00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,720 Speaker 1: I voted this way. This is my identity, so you 477 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,399 Speaker 1: have a problem with me and who I am. And oh, 478 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:34,879 Speaker 1: now this starts a whole new debate. 479 00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:37,159 Speaker 2: And I love that Sky pointed this out because she 480 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,360 Speaker 2: Laurie said this in her question to us, that they 481 00:25:40,520 --> 00:25:42,920 Speaker 2: used to be affiliated to the same party and over 482 00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:46,800 Speaker 2: years their ideas, their beliefs have evolved have changed. Yes, 483 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:50,840 Speaker 2: your beliefs do change with more wisdom, more experience, more 484 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,320 Speaker 2: things at stake, more things that different things that matter 485 00:25:53,359 --> 00:25:55,840 Speaker 2: to you at different stages of your life. But that 486 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,560 Speaker 2: sense of you know, think about when you get behind 487 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,720 Speaker 2: the wheel and someone honks at you or someone cuts 488 00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:06,200 Speaker 2: you off, we take it personally that is happening to us. 489 00:26:06,240 --> 00:26:11,840 Speaker 2: It is something that that person did to our personal selves, 490 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,720 Speaker 2: our identities, our egos, instead of they're just in a 491 00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,720 Speaker 2: hurry and maybe they didn't look or maybe they were 492 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:20,280 Speaker 2: just rash or rude or whatever, but it had nothing 493 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:22,800 Speaker 2: to do with you. But we all take things so personally. 494 00:26:23,520 --> 00:26:25,960 Speaker 1: If they're doing it in their relationship Laurie and this 495 00:26:26,680 --> 00:26:29,760 Speaker 1: and their husband's that's I hope not and let that be. 496 00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,240 Speaker 1: And again we gave our advice on the column, but 497 00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:36,280 Speaker 1: some very good advice always does come from the readers 498 00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:38,400 Speaker 1: as well, a lot of it that we didn't think 499 00:26:38,440 --> 00:26:40,520 Speaker 1: of and that we absolutely support, and I think this 500 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:43,760 Speaker 1: is a very good one. Can you just stop, Laurie. 501 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,000 Speaker 1: Are you looking at him and is he looking at you? 502 00:26:47,080 --> 00:26:49,840 Speaker 1: Are you being offended that he doesn't agree with your opinion, 503 00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:52,520 Speaker 1: because all of a sudden he's rejecting you his wife. 504 00:26:53,200 --> 00:26:56,520 Speaker 1: You just have a different opinion, a new opinion. We 505 00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:59,240 Speaker 1: make it sound simple. It might be hard to execute, 506 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,000 Speaker 1: but what you have to do is fairly simple. It's 507 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:04,159 Speaker 1: hard to do. I'm not saying that, but it's you 508 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,480 Speaker 1: know what you have to do. 509 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:08,679 Speaker 2: You think they're gonna stay together. 510 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:16,240 Speaker 1: I hope so, because forty five years is of value 511 00:27:16,280 --> 00:27:19,920 Speaker 1: and it shouldn't be thrown away. I don't want their 512 00:27:20,000 --> 00:27:26,040 Speaker 1: marriage to be now collateral damage. In a nation divided, 513 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,919 Speaker 1: we're losing a lot out on the streets. We're losing 514 00:27:30,960 --> 00:27:34,600 Speaker 1: I mean, you could even argue about friendships being lost, 515 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:37,639 Speaker 1: lives being lost in some of the debates, in the 516 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,239 Speaker 1: battles going on having to do with politics. We are 517 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:42,720 Speaker 1: losing so much. Do we have to have it cost 518 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:44,800 Speaker 1: us a forty five year marriage as well? 519 00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,320 Speaker 2: I pray it doesn't I agree, And you know what, 520 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,600 Speaker 2: I one last thing I would like to say, and 521 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:52,080 Speaker 2: I have to remind myself of this as well. When 522 00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:55,800 Speaker 2: there are issues and disagreements, even between you and me, babe, 523 00:27:55,920 --> 00:27:59,920 Speaker 2: or me and my daughters or whomever, instead of getting offended, 524 00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:04,440 Speaker 2: get curious. Instead of thinking how could he or how 525 00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:08,440 Speaker 2: could they think that? Ask why? And when you start 526 00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:12,239 Speaker 2: asking questions to understand versus looking at it from your 527 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,960 Speaker 2: perspective of defending your position or insisting that you're right, 528 00:28:15,960 --> 00:28:19,520 Speaker 2: if you can actually just get curious instead of angry, 529 00:28:19,600 --> 00:28:22,280 Speaker 2: that's a game changer. And so maybe Laurie and her 530 00:28:22,320 --> 00:28:24,280 Speaker 2: husband can do that as well, and maybe they can 531 00:28:24,320 --> 00:28:26,679 Speaker 2: find actually an even deeper connection when they realize that 532 00:28:26,760 --> 00:28:30,160 Speaker 2: they actually can think differently and still like and love 533 00:28:30,200 --> 00:28:30,639 Speaker 2: one another. 534 00:28:31,040 --> 00:28:32,720 Speaker 1: We don't know from this in we've only got the 535 00:28:32,760 --> 00:28:36,120 Speaker 1: information we have to go with, but just from our 536 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:39,440 Speaker 1: reading of it, I think we both agree something else 537 00:28:39,600 --> 00:28:43,040 Speaker 1: possibly is going on forty five years of marriage. It 538 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:45,320 Speaker 1: is worth your time and your effort to see if 539 00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:46,800 Speaker 1: you can figure this out. 540 00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:50,280 Speaker 2: So Laurie, we wish you well and listeners, thank you 541 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:52,720 Speaker 2: for listening to us, and please feel free to go 542 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,440 Speaker 2: onto the Yahoo Life section and put your comments in. 543 00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,840 Speaker 2: We always appreciate hearing from you, but we really appreciate 544 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:02,360 Speaker 2: you listening to us. I'm Amy Roebach alongside my partner 545 00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,800 Speaker 2: t J. Holmes. Have hope you all have a great 546 00:29:05,040 --> 00:29:08,360 Speaker 2: day to day