Speaker 1: Find Out and podcast. All right, I'm jumping right into it.
Speaker 1: We've been having swim lessons with Jolie right and Jane
Speaker 1: and I have been stuck with like kind of back
Speaker 1: and forth with not rushing things, but also it's like,
Speaker 1: where's that point of you gotta push them? You know.
Speaker 1: It's like I'm trying to We're trying to find that
Speaker 1: balance a little bit between like really fortunate, No, you
Speaker 1: gotta get in, you got us to get under water
Speaker 1: to Okay, let's not rush her. Let's not like traumatizer
Speaker 1: around this. Let's not have her scared of the pool.
Speaker 1: Here's my thing though with that is the lessons that
Speaker 1: she did in Los Angeles. I mean, of course she's
Speaker 1: crying in the very beginning, but she was awesome moving forward,
Speaker 1: and so I think it's one of those things where, yeah,
Speaker 1: it is that weird balance, like we're not sure like
Speaker 1: what to do, especially since we're the ones trying to
Speaker 1: teach her. But at the same time, it's like, you know,
Speaker 1: last summer, she was you know, awesome at swimming, and
Speaker 1: she would swim to us and not have her floaties on,
Speaker 1: and in this summer she's terrified and has to have
Speaker 1: her floaties on. So I don't know if that's like
Speaker 1: a a normal thing where but it's you know, I
Speaker 1: don't think she's been traumatized. Last summer, she like we
Speaker 1: have a a photo of her being thrown up in
Speaker 1: the air. It's thrown her there and should lay in
Speaker 1: the water. We'd look at each other under water. She
Speaker 1: would hold onto my neck. We dive like great swimming,
Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, it's like she doesn't
Speaker 1: know how to swim. We'll talk to are some of
Speaker 1: our friends who have kids around the same age and older.
Speaker 1: They said, it's fairly normal with you know, because they
Speaker 1: go a whole season without being in the pool, so
Speaker 1: it's new again they have they're a little bit older
Speaker 1: and more and they're maturing a little bit. They have
Speaker 1: different feelings about things, so it's a little bit more
Speaker 1: insecure and you know, so it's it's just been tough
Speaker 1: with that battle and not. But I don't know, I
Speaker 1: just I guess where are you at with it? I
Speaker 1: think with these situations, I'm almost I walk on on
Speaker 1: next shows too much because maybe I'm fearful of being
Speaker 1: too hard. Maybe I'm fearful of being the way you
Speaker 1: know my parents were at times, or anybody's parents were
Speaker 1: at times right where it's just like, you know, shut
Speaker 1: up and get in or or whatever. And you're almost like,
Speaker 1: just give her the floaties, like who cares, She'll learn
Speaker 1: when she learns. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just would
Speaker 1: you be the same way with Jace. Yeah, that's the
Speaker 1: that's the thing, like even with Jason will be the
Speaker 1: same way. Has nothing to do with like it being
Speaker 1: Jolly and versus Jason. It's has everything to do with well,
Speaker 1: I just say that because I know you say that,
Speaker 1: Like like that one kid at my gym last year,
Speaker 1: You're like, come on, kids, like stop the little bit
Speaker 1: a little boy versus if it was a girl. It's like, oh,
Speaker 1: are you okay? For sure? But with with this situation,
Speaker 1: I would be the same either way. And I because
Speaker 1: I've catch myself, I just want to be like Jolie
Speaker 1: just getting the water stop. Yeah, but I don't. I
Speaker 1: don't do that. But that part of you that gets
Speaker 1: frustrated once too because they can't understand what we're when
Speaker 1: we're trying to explain to her, Jolie, last summer, you
Speaker 1: were a little fish. Now all of a sudden, you
Speaker 1: don't want to put your foot in without a floaty.
Speaker 1: I wonder if we could get like a child psychiatrist,
Speaker 1: a psychologist, yeah, children's psychologists, because I think that would
Speaker 1: help us because I don't know, I don't know what
Speaker 1: the right thing to say or do is because I
Speaker 1: kind of lean in the way of just throw her in,
Speaker 1: you know, for sure, and she has to go underwater,
Speaker 1: like let's we're being too like But again, like you say,
Speaker 1: that's almost probably that maybe that's too aggressive and she,
Speaker 1: you know, she she needs to go baby steps towards it. Again,
Speaker 1: So maybe if we had someone that could help us
Speaker 1: kind of guide us through some of the things that
Speaker 1: we're dealing with her, and especially when it comes to
Speaker 1: like today we have a a food specialist on a
Speaker 1: nutritionalist who deals with children, because you know, kind of
Speaker 1: the same thing we're dealing with Jaces. We don't like,
Speaker 1: he won't eat anything, and it's frustrating because we're like,
Speaker 1: do we are are we at the stage where we
Speaker 1: were Jolie where it's like, okay, she doesn't eat or
Speaker 1: do you feed because kids are going to eat when
Speaker 1: they're hungry. It's my mom always said they're gonna eat
Speaker 1: when they're hungry, right, But we also have the routine
Speaker 1: of this is what time, dinner time is, and then
Speaker 1: if we offer all these things, and then do we
Speaker 1: keep offering foods or what do we do? And he'll
Speaker 1: he'll crush something one night. The next night you'll try
Speaker 1: to get him the same thing. He'll act like he's
Speaker 1: never seen it before and doesn't want to touch it
Speaker 1: with a ten foot fork. So I'm so excited to
Speaker 1: talk to our guests later because we definitely need help
Speaker 1: with that. Um. But when it comes to the you know,
Speaker 1: the child psychology behind the children's psychology behind that, I don't.
Speaker 1: I honestly don't know what the right thing is to do.
Speaker 1: I know that my annoyance levels heightened. Yeah, and let
Speaker 1: me to be honest about something or vulnerable about something, please.
Speaker 1: I have a fear. I'm terrified that, you know, if
Speaker 1: I pushed the kids too much, that they'll feel the
Speaker 1: way I did about like my dad at times. And
Speaker 1: like I'm so terrified of that. Oh that makes me TiO,
Speaker 1: I know, And like I don't want my kids to
Speaker 1: ever think like I'm too hard on them. I don't
Speaker 1: want my kids to ever think like that I don't
Speaker 1: love them, that I don't have their back, that I'm
Speaker 1: there to support them no matter what, which I know,
Speaker 1: you know, my dad always was, but because of the
Speaker 1: way he was treated, you know, it's a generational thing.
Speaker 1: It's I understood that he did the best that he
Speaker 1: could and and all of that, and I love my
Speaker 1: dad at death, but I just know how as a kid,
Speaker 1: how I received certain things that he did, and I'm
Speaker 1: just I'm fearful of of our kids receiving things the
Speaker 1: way I did as a kid because I was a
Speaker 1: sensitive kid, and I just so it was with something
Speaker 1: like this. This is why it like racks my brain
Speaker 1: a lot, because I'm just get her the floating just
Speaker 1: like now, I'm I don't want you to ever feel
Speaker 1: like like I wouldn't want them to feel the same
Speaker 1: way that you did, and nor do I want you
Speaker 1: to feel that, because it's in a way you're simultaneously
Speaker 1: getting triggered right right, And you know, it's just it
Speaker 1: just sucks because it's it's all everything in moderation. Everything
Speaker 1: in life is about moderation. But as I can't always
Speaker 1: do that because then they're gonna be soft. Is putting like,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and we don't want that
Speaker 1: because you and I are two hardheaded, strong people. So
Speaker 1: it's it's just that balance. And but because Jolie is
Speaker 1: getting older and at this age she'll start to remember
Speaker 1: things more, you know, four going on five, I'm just
Speaker 1: really terrifying, right, I'm just tiptoeing around around these kind
Speaker 1: of things a little bit more. I'm gonna get that.
Speaker 1: I appreciate you sharing. Yeah, I definitely can empathize with that,
Speaker 1: and you know, and I can lean into you in
Speaker 1: those moments, like if there's something where you can say like, hey,
Speaker 1: I'm I'm feeling childhood here, where then I can step
Speaker 1: into that. You don't maybe have to be that to
Speaker 1: get triggered on, do you know what I'm saying? Where
Speaker 1: then I can either be the which I don't always
Speaker 1: want to be, which you don't always want to be
Speaker 1: the dresser, or the one that you know gets like
Speaker 1: that balance each other out there. Yeah, But I mean
Speaker 1: in those situations, if you ever start to feel that,
Speaker 1: like in the moment, I guess to express that to
Speaker 1: me so that way I can help you out so
Speaker 1: that you don't I might need I might need to
Speaker 1: tag you in be like, hey, I don't know how
Speaker 1: to navigate this right now because of my own Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's that's that would be the best thing, you know,
Speaker 1: for for everybody involved, you know, because I don't want
Speaker 1: you feeling that way. You don't want to go back
Speaker 1: on Jolie or Jason, you know. And and then I'll
Speaker 1: kind of assess the situation to see, Okay, do we
Speaker 1: push or do we not push or you know, or
Speaker 1: because you're right, I mean, what is too hard for
Speaker 1: the kid. But also again, they still have to have
Speaker 1: certain boundaries, which I think we do great out we
Speaker 1: both when it comes to respect for people, in respect
Speaker 1: for us and um and listening and stuff like we
Speaker 1: we give her chances and then it's like k, third strike,
Speaker 1: your outgo to your room, which I think we're good
Speaker 1: with that, but yeah, when it comes to extracurricular things
Speaker 1: where it's you don't want to be too hard, And
Speaker 1: I've caught myself being like, Julie, why would you do that?
Speaker 1: You know, And I think to myself, I'm like, the
Speaker 1: second I said that, I was like, because she's for Janna.
Speaker 1: That's why she did that. Because she doesn't know any better.
Speaker 1: So instead of saying why would you do that? Maybe
Speaker 1: say hey, let me tell you why maybe we shouldn't
Speaker 1: do this so that they actually understand. But I have
Speaker 1: caught myself do that a few times and I feel
Speaker 1: so crappy afterwards, like why would you put your foot
Speaker 1: in the laundry basket when? And then why would you
Speaker 1: stand on to matchbox cars? That's that was today. She
Speaker 1: was standing at trying to like skating around the house
Speaker 1: with two matchbox cars under her feet. But again, she's
Speaker 1: a kid. That sounds that sounds fun. Why don't we
Speaker 1: go skate around with max match box cars under our feet?
Speaker 1: You wouldn't have to tell me with a good time?
Speaker 1: Too too hard at that I could go out there
Speaker 1: and try it right now. But yeah, it's just I
Speaker 1: don't know. It's just tough to navigate that stuff as parents.
Speaker 1: And it's like I feel like there's ends of the spectrum, right.
Speaker 1: It's like I contribute our work in therapy to even
Speaker 1: be able to acknowledge that that I don't just jump
Speaker 1: to the negative and it's like, well, you know, this
Speaker 1: is how I was reading situations, So that's how it's done,
Speaker 1: and just do it or be the opposite end, where
Speaker 1: it's like you don't want to do that so much
Speaker 1: so that you enable them and then they never do
Speaker 1: anything for themselves and then you're just ruining their life
Speaker 1: as they get older, you know. So it's I'm trying
Speaker 1: to do the work here, and we're both trying to
Speaker 1: do the work by acknowledging both sides of things and
Speaker 1: discuss things like this with y'all and with each other.
Speaker 1: But it's just that stuff that comes up there. You're
Speaker 1: just like, damn, parenting is hard and there's no there's
Speaker 1: no rule book for it either. But I would really
Speaker 1: like to talk to I mean, because we a psychologist,
Speaker 1: a children's you know, psychologist would be great for that too,
Speaker 1: you know, because how to kind of balance that and um, yeah,
Speaker 1: we should look into that if anyone knows a good
Speaker 1: one too. D M s the One Down podcast. Um,
Speaker 1: thanks for sharing, Mike, I appreciate it. And when you're
Speaker 1: in that situation again, please just kind of be like, hey,
Speaker 1: podcast episode triggered dag copy. Um, let's take a break
Speaker 1: and then when we come back. Jennifer Anderson, she's I've
Speaker 1: stalked her on Instagram for quite a while now because
Speaker 1: of Jason's eating habits. Um her her her instagram as
Speaker 1: Kids Eating Color I'm super excited to talk to her.
Speaker 1: Help help us. Um, we'll be back. So I'm so
Speaker 1: excited because boy, do we need help? And you track
Speaker 1: this person down. Oh, I straight up flit into her
Speaker 1: d m S. I was like, hey, I swear like
Speaker 1: I'm not a stalker, but I'm stock you every day.
Speaker 1: He and I need I need more help. Um we
Speaker 1: have on the show. Um, Jennifer Anderson who is Kids
Speaker 1: Eating Color um on Instagram. I'm obsessed with her. Welcome
Speaker 1: to the show. Thank you so much. Jan I'm Mike. Um.
Speaker 1: I just I don't even know where to start because
Speaker 1: I kind of feel a little helpless when it comes
Speaker 1: to what's going on with Jace and his eating patterns.
Speaker 1: It's just becoming where I just throw my hands out
Speaker 1: and I'm like, fine, have this. I don't like because
Speaker 1: it's just that was you yesterday when you're trying to
Speaker 1: feed him dinner. Yeah. I was just like, all right,
Speaker 1: crackers here, Like, sorry, Jennifer, don't be mad at me,
Speaker 1: but it's just so you're a dietitian and a mom
Speaker 1: of two boys. Um, so you're you know you're you're
Speaker 1: in it. How old are your boys right now? They
Speaker 1: are four and six but about to be five and seven.
Speaker 1: So you went through all the you know, the toddler
Speaker 1: phases of refusing to eat and all that. Yep, we
Speaker 1: have started. I had one kid fall off the growth chart.
Speaker 1: My other one has been very selective and continues to
Speaker 1: be because selective eating starts early and it doesn't go
Speaker 1: away right away, you know. So what how did you
Speaker 1: start your Instagram? Was it just that you knew other
Speaker 1: moms were desperate for help? You know what it was
Speaker 1: because I was desperate for help, and I thought. I
Speaker 1: stood in my kitchen and I had been making these
Speaker 1: cute little lunches for my three year old, trying to
Speaker 1: get him to eat because he tends not to eat enough.
Speaker 1: And I stood there and I thought to myself, I
Speaker 1: cannot be the only mom struggling like this, And it
Speaker 1: turns out I wasn't. And so I just started posting
Speaker 1: cute little pictures of his lunches and little feeding tip
Speaker 1: tips in the captions, and and pretty soon people are like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, when I do this, my child eats,
Speaker 1: my child eat broccoli, My child to eating more food,
Speaker 1: and I became just obsessed with helping other parents feed
Speaker 1: their kids. And now you have almost a million followers
Speaker 1: because of that. So you're like, she's like yeah, Like
Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, I cannot be the
Speaker 1: only person, And it turns out no, I'm not the
Speaker 1: only person, not at all. Um, do you kind of
Speaker 1: want to tell her what's going on with Jace? You
Speaker 1: know it's it's funny, how yeah. I mean, as you know,
Speaker 1: every kid is different, right, And Jolie, our daughter, four
Speaker 1: year old, has always been a fantastic eater, I mean amazing, seamless.
Speaker 1: And Jason has been fantastic and like every other area
Speaker 1: except for when it comes to eating, and he's been
Speaker 1: super picky. And the frustrating part for us is he'll
Speaker 1: crush something one day. The next day, if we get
Speaker 1: him the same thing, I won't want it. Nope, I
Speaker 1: don't want it. Like you literally just had Yeah you
Speaker 1: literally just have this chicken or this macaroni even macaroni
Speaker 1: and cheese. Are like, we know you love this, how
Speaker 1: are you not eating it? And then I'll also say
Speaker 1: to just to like book and that where he we
Speaker 1: know that he would love spaghetti or a cookie or
Speaker 1: something like that, and he will refuse to eat it.
Speaker 1: We're to the point where Michael and I have had
Speaker 1: to hold his head to try to like just taste it,
Speaker 1: and he screams. And then when he tastes it, he's like, oh,
Speaker 1: I like it, and we're like, a we told you
Speaker 1: you would like it, you know, And we've done the
Speaker 1: whole trick, like mommy, eat one, like feed mommy, and
Speaker 1: then we try like we've done everything, and we don't
Speaker 1: know what to do because we probably know holding his
Speaker 1: head and shoving food in his face to give him
Speaker 1: to try it is not the right thing to do. Well.
Speaker 1: That tells me right there that you guys are good
Speaker 1: parents and you know what you're doing. Sometimes we do
Speaker 1: things when we're totally desperate and we're like this cannot
Speaker 1: be the right way, and then as like there are
Speaker 1: other options for you. How old is Jase. He's eighteen
Speaker 1: months eighteen months, so that's like right at the like
Speaker 1: some of the hardest times of picky eating, And you
Speaker 1: guys have an amazing opportunity because what you do right
Speaker 1: now can either set you on the path of him
Speaker 1: becoming more picky and or really turn the tide and
Speaker 1: give him the freedom to learn to become a better eater.
Speaker 1: My guess is because your daughter, your four year old
Speaker 1: daughter is has always eaten great. You are thinking, You're
Speaker 1: probably thinking to yourself, it can't be our fault, right, Well,
Speaker 1: I will say this though, Remember that time where she'd
Speaker 1: only eat mac and cheese, and the only way we
Speaker 1: got her and this is Jennifer, You're gonna think this
Speaker 1: is awful. The only way we got her to eat
Speaker 1: something other than mac and cheese is we would turn
Speaker 1: on TV so that she didn't notice that she was
Speaker 1: eating a piece of broccoli. Well, and we're it was
Speaker 1: when she was old enough to negotiate. So it's like,
Speaker 1: if you take a bite of this, like, will will
Speaker 1: push play on the TV. And once we got her
Speaker 1: in the habit of eating that stuff, then we cut
Speaker 1: the t V out. And again it's some might shame
Speaker 1: or judge on that. But now she's four and she
Speaker 1: eats everything. Yeah. Yeah, So what I can tell you is, um,
Speaker 1: there are other things you can do that may take
Speaker 1: a little bit more time, but a little less effort
Speaker 1: on your because then you probably had to wean her
Speaker 1: off the TV, and that probably wasn't fun and that
Speaker 1: all things. So I will say what I can tell
Speaker 1: right now is you guys are problems solvers. You want
Speaker 1: to future kids the best way possible. I never ever
Speaker 1: judge ever. Remember I had a kid fall off the
Speaker 1: growth chart heating kids. It's really tricky. I have nothing
Speaker 1: to say. Um, I definitely just went and bought a
Speaker 1: piece of last night because I was like, this day
Speaker 1: is too much for me. So you know, if you
Speaker 1: need to talk to somebody who's not going to judge
Speaker 1: you and it's going to see you as a problem solver,
Speaker 1: than you came to the right amazing. So help us?
Speaker 1: How do we? How do we? Because it's so frustrating
Speaker 1: when I know he would like something and he doesn't
Speaker 1: eat it right or try it, just try it, like
Speaker 1: try mic. My guess is Jason as a and you
Speaker 1: can tell me if I'm right wrong. Is a really
Speaker 1: strong kid who's really creative and knows what he wants
Speaker 1: and maybe has opinions. He's definitely getting an opinion for sure,
Speaker 1: starting to spike out. Yeah, so that's awesome, right. That
Speaker 1: means you have have a super fun, awesome kid. I
Speaker 1: have to extraordinarily opinionated kids. That makes them very exciting.
Speaker 1: It also at times makes them difficult to feed, right,
Speaker 1: because my guess is he really has an opinion about
Speaker 1: what is going in his mouth. And what we see
Speaker 1: with kids and eating is, yeah, you can force them.
Speaker 1: You could turn on the TV, you can get them
Speaker 1: to eat, you can bribe them with candy, and well,
Speaker 1: that may work for some kids, like it did for
Speaker 1: your daughter. A lot of times, it just creates more
Speaker 1: problems that we have to deal with later. And so
Speaker 1: what we want to do is we want to use
Speaker 1: some of those evidence based strategies that teach kids how
Speaker 1: to eat and take the stress off of us, because
Speaker 1: you guys sound like you're stressed, right, It's just frustrating.
Speaker 1: Like five, When five o'clock rolls around, I start to panic, like,
Speaker 1: oh God, like is this gonna be We're gonna pull
Speaker 1: our hair out and he's gonna scream? Is he gonna
Speaker 1: throw everything and not eat? You know, or try your
Speaker 1: blood pressure? Your blood pressure is going up. It's like,
Speaker 1: oh my gosh, five o'clock. You are not alone. There
Speaker 1: are so many parents who have that feeling like I've
Speaker 1: felt it myself, Like you're like, oh my gosh, there're
Speaker 1: one one woman in my feeding program better bits. She said, Um,
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm preparing for a world war battle
Speaker 1: every time I go to sit down in a meal.
Speaker 1: So you're not alone. The first thing that I always
Speaker 1: recommend parents do. The first thing is start by saying, oh, hey,
Speaker 1: you don't have to eat it. Don't even give it
Speaker 1: to them. Put it on the table, sit down, have
Speaker 1: a family meal together. Make sure you have a meal.
Speaker 1: Make sure you have a food that you know he likes.
Speaker 1: That macaroni and cheese you were talking about is perfect, right,
Speaker 1: put it down on the table. Hey, we're all going
Speaker 1: to sit down for the meal. Don't put anything on
Speaker 1: his plate. I find that eighteen month olds usually like
Speaker 1: look around at that point and they're like, why didn't
Speaker 1: you give me any food? And but you dish up
Speaker 1: your plate, dish up your daughter's plate, enjoy the food.
Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, this macarny cheese is so good. Now,
Speaker 1: your point in doing that is not to like put
Speaker 1: on a show, because even eighteen month olds know when
Speaker 1: you're putting on a show. Right, he sounds like a
Speaker 1: smart kid, So what he needs to know is that
Speaker 1: he actually doesn't have to eat anything. He doesn't want
Speaker 1: to nothing, and at that point he may ask for something.
Speaker 1: You may say, you know, wear mine or macaroni or
Speaker 1: you know, whatever he likes to say or point or
Speaker 1: a sign, you know, wherever he's at with that. So
Speaker 1: I find that to be one of the absolute most
Speaker 1: effective strategies. When you, as a parent, stop carrying what
Speaker 1: they actually eat at the meal. And I know this
Speaker 1: is like impossible, so pretend like you you don't care
Speaker 1: what they eat at the meal, keep it totally cool,
Speaker 1: and you enjoy your food and don't give them any
Speaker 1: And I actually one time saw my kids eat a
Speaker 1: hole bowl of staff, like a whole large bowl of
Speaker 1: salad because I told them that I didn't think they
Speaker 1: wanted it, and I only had made some for myself,
Speaker 1: and they were very unhappy with that, and they just
Speaker 1: ate it, and I was like, oh, okay, So what
Speaker 1: happens If he doesn't eat any of it, then that's
Speaker 1: when the parenting comes in. That's when it gets tough.
Speaker 1: So at every single meal, I always recommend you include
Speaker 1: at least one food that he really is comfortable with.
Speaker 1: So picky eaters you have to remember and most people
Speaker 1: don't understand this, but most picky eaters are picky for
Speaker 1: a reason. They around you know, a year, even it
Speaker 1: can't start even earlier, they develop you know, separation anxiety.
Speaker 1: They start to be afraid of things, which is good
Speaker 1: because they become more mobile and we don't want them
Speaker 1: wandering through the forest eating mushrooms. Of course, our kids
Speaker 1: generally aren't wandering through the forest, and so it begins
Speaker 1: problematic when they're not eating mushrooms that we've served on
Speaker 1: the table. But they begin to have what's called neophobia,
Speaker 1: or the fear of something new. So food neophobia is
Speaker 1: very common, and it usually arrives usually between twelve months
Speaker 1: and thirty six months, but it can show up as
Speaker 1: late as like four or five. So my guess is
Speaker 1: he there's something about it. Either he's feeling pressure from
Speaker 1: you and he wants to like engage you in that
Speaker 1: that uh, you know, power struggle, or he's actually afraid
Speaker 1: of it. Maybe he looks at the food and he's like,
Speaker 1: mm hmm, that color one time, I ate that color
Speaker 1: might tummy felt weird. I can't tell you about that,
Speaker 1: but we've seen examples of even babies being given medicine
Speaker 1: on a blue spoon suddenly will never eat any food
Speaker 1: off that blue spoon. Because even at a very very
Speaker 1: young age of six months, nine months, twelve months, they
Speaker 1: can develop these associations between heiny details and a experience
Speaker 1: that they had that was very traumatic to them or
Speaker 1: very unpleasant. Maybe they ate something and then they threw
Speaker 1: up later and you didn't think anything of it, but
Speaker 1: you know that happened, so um, that is something that
Speaker 1: you've got to keep in mind. He's picky for a reason.
Speaker 1: He's really not trying to get at you. He's just
Speaker 1: trying to protect himself and act like a like an
Speaker 1: eighteen month old, and you know that's something. So when
Speaker 1: you set him down to the table, don't ever ever
Speaker 1: ever get them something else. Just make that rule and
Speaker 1: keep it. I guess that's where I'm like, and that's
Speaker 1: their choice, right, And this is where you really have
Speaker 1: to kind of dig down deep and think, Okay, there
Speaker 1: are going to be times, and I mean, I think
Speaker 1: my kids have maybe made this choice maybe like three times.
Speaker 1: There are going to be times when they choose not
Speaker 1: to eat, but it's probably because they're actually not hungry.
Speaker 1: Because toddlers are notorious for listening to the everybody. So
Speaker 1: the first year of life, they triple in size. That
Speaker 1: means they need a ton of calories. I mean they will.
Speaker 1: I mean maybe maybe when your daughter she was always
Speaker 1: been a great eight here, right, maybe when she was
Speaker 1: told months old, one time she ate as much as
Speaker 1: you did or something that's totally normal. But then one
Speaker 1: day she ate three bites of food the entire day.
Speaker 1: And that's actually totally normal toddler behavior. So one day
Speaker 1: they'll eat as much as you. The next day they
Speaker 1: will eat like three bites of food the whole day,
Speaker 1: and then they kind of go over. But what research
Speaker 1: shows is they do eat enough over the course of
Speaker 1: the week, over the course of the month to maintain
Speaker 1: their growth. What about if it's him afraid to try
Speaker 1: something like is that a thing like do you Obviously
Speaker 1: you don't hold the head down like waves to feed,
Speaker 1: but like, is it just keep showing them that food
Speaker 1: to say here, maybe try and then if not, like,
Speaker 1: then you don't force it. Right. So once you're willing
Speaker 1: to kind of take off the pressure and step back
Speaker 1: and just just let the let the actual eating go
Speaker 1: for a while, um, then you can begin these other methods.
Speaker 1: But before you really get them to try food I
Speaker 1: first recommend just take take a step back. Remember it's
Speaker 1: your job to put the food on the table, it's
Speaker 1: their job to decide whether or not to eat it.
Speaker 1: From there, you can really step back and say, Okay,
Speaker 1: how are we going to move forward? Because once he
Speaker 1: knows that you're never going to make him eat anything,
Speaker 1: suddenly it's all within his control. It's all within his
Speaker 1: control to decide what he's going to do. So after
Speaker 1: you've established that that you, as a parent, you're going
Speaker 1: to decide when you're going to eat as a family.
Speaker 1: You're going to decide what you're going to eat as
Speaker 1: a family. You're gonna side where you're going to eat
Speaker 1: as a family. Those three things are the things you
Speaker 1: are in charge of, So don't make them in another
Speaker 1: meal if he doesn't want it. Just make sure there's
Speaker 1: always at least one food that you know he generally likes.
Speaker 1: Now I realized one day he doesn't like it, one
Speaker 1: day he does. But macaroni cheese is generally a safe food,
Speaker 1: So put that on the table. I think it's just
Speaker 1: hard because it's like I know he's hungry, Like we
Speaker 1: know he's hungry, he's just refusing to eat it. Because
Speaker 1: if we give him something else, he downs it. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he's he's big into fruit. And my fear kind of
Speaker 1: where you're talking about Jennifer, you're saying, you know, one
Speaker 1: of your boys fell off the growth chart, and that's
Speaker 1: where our son kind of is when it comes to
Speaker 1: like his height, right, Yeah, he's like so they're guessing
Speaker 1: a five nine, So question, has he always been at
Speaker 1: that height? Yeah, he's always been little. So that's normal, right,
Speaker 1: which is also totally normal. Um, So what we are
Speaker 1: most concerned about now he started at the and then
Speaker 1: went to and then went to the That's when you
Speaker 1: have to be concerned. People come in all shapes and sizes.
Speaker 1: Being on percentile is great, and if he mostly maintains that,
Speaker 1: give or take, you know, fifteen percentiles or so, then
Speaker 1: he's fine and you would want to check in with
Speaker 1: your pediatrician just to make sure he's growing. But if
Speaker 1: he's like losing a lot of percentiles, then you have
Speaker 1: to worry. Otherwise you don't have to be at the fiftie.
Speaker 1: It's it's no problem. So if you know he likes fruit,
Speaker 1: you can always have fruited meal, and there may be
Speaker 1: meals where he just fills up on fruit and that
Speaker 1: I'm try that's okay as a mom, Like I'm getting
Speaker 1: hives about it because it's like, no, he has to
Speaker 1: be because I see your post and like, no, he
Speaker 1: has to have his protein, he has to have this color,
Speaker 1: and then he has to have this color, and and
Speaker 1: so I just I put so much pressure to make
Speaker 1: because I I just I want him to not just
Speaker 1: eat fruit, but think about how much protein he needs.
Speaker 1: He's eighteen months old. Let me, I you don't have
Speaker 1: to tell me his weight, but let's say to seven. Okay,
Speaker 1: so let's say you know, however much he weaves. They
Speaker 1: need a very small amount of protein for their body.
Speaker 1: So my kids and probably him roughly needs about sixteen grams.
Speaker 1: That's two glasses of milk. Oh wow, Okay, that makes
Speaker 1: me feel a little bit better because that's that's that's
Speaker 1: where my concern has been. Is I just make up
Speaker 1: in my head that, Okay, he's theentile because he's hardly
Speaker 1: eating the protein that compared to our daughter. And I'm
Speaker 1: you know, that's unfair for me to compare two kids, right,
Speaker 1: but every parent I feel like kind of does that.
Speaker 1: I think you just are I think afraid your son
Speaker 1: is going to be a little shorter. And by the way,
Speaker 1: when I meant to say huge, my daughter, she's just
Speaker 1: larger on the like her percentile is is larger than
Speaker 1: from what Jace was. Um, I do have a question though,
Speaker 1: regarding my daughter. So for the longest time, like she
Speaker 1: she was having a problem, like eating all of our food.
Speaker 1: So we said, let's do a happy plate. So if
Speaker 1: you make a happy plate, then you get a candy. Well,
Speaker 1: now she's at the age where she's wiping her plate.
Speaker 1: And last I think I said this last night, right, baby,
Speaker 1: I said, hey, we need to stop now giving her
Speaker 1: candy because she knows she's making she makes a happy plate,
Speaker 1: like we're hardless. And now I'm like, okay, we can't
Speaker 1: keep she can't keep having a dessert or a cookie
Speaker 1: after the meal. But then in my mind, I'm like, well,
Speaker 1: is that a bad thing? Or should I say, like, hey,
Speaker 1: do you want cut up watermelon or fruit? Instead? Like
Speaker 1: is it bad to still reward her for cleaning her plate?
Speaker 1: So what we know from rewarding is the more re
Speaker 1: the more we reward, the more kids hold that food
Speaker 1: in high regard. So when we say if you eat
Speaker 1: your vegetables, you get a cookie. What we say is
Speaker 1: vegetables are bad. What they hear vegetables are bad, Cookies
Speaker 1: are good. And that just perpetuates on and on and on.
Speaker 1: And the more the longer we use that model, the
Speaker 1: more built up dessert yets and the more potentially obsessed
Speaker 1: and you know, all this stuff about dessert, and the
Speaker 1: less the research shows, the less intrinsic internal desire they
Speaker 1: have for that food that we're trying to get them
Speaker 1: to eat. So what I recommend to take dessert off
Speaker 1: the pedestal, make it a non on issue. It's fine
Speaker 1: to include dessert if you want to. If your family
Speaker 1: culture is to have dessert every night, that's perfectly fine.
Speaker 1: If it's not, that's also perfectly fine. But let's say
Speaker 1: you want to have dessert. The easiest way to get
Speaker 1: kids eating their meals and also so um, not obsessing
Speaker 1: about dessert is actually to serve dessert with the meal.
Speaker 1: Now I know this sounds crazy. I see look on
Speaker 1: your face. Is the little kid inside of me is like, yes,
Speaker 1: wouldn't they eat that first? Yeah? Right? And that's okay,
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm having so much anxiety. No, yeah,
Speaker 1: I was raised after had a cookie before dinner. I
Speaker 1: mean now I have. Now I have because I'm an adult,
Speaker 1: Like whatever you want, Yeah, you should try it. Oh,
Speaker 1: I don't know, fascinating, I don't know. Now. One thing
Speaker 1: you want to think about is let's be practic. Goal.
Speaker 1: We're parents, you know when our kids need do they
Speaker 1: need to fill up on cookies? No? No, we don't
Speaker 1: want them filling up on cookies. So we give kids
Speaker 1: a child sized portion. Now, for an eighteen month old,
Speaker 1: a child's aze portion could be one chocolate chip. I mean,
Speaker 1: my kids were into one chocolate chip through age three
Speaker 1: because they just you know, that was just kind of
Speaker 1: how we grew up. I was like, let's start as
Speaker 1: small as possible. So whatever it is. My my guess
Speaker 1: is if Jason knows. Now Jason is a little young,
Speaker 1: but if he already knows, because usually a second kids there,
Speaker 1: they get the cookies like super early, right, um, but
Speaker 1: you know, if they haven't had it, you could delay
Speaker 1: it as long as possible. But once they know about dessert,
Speaker 1: if and if his sister is having dessert and he
Speaker 1: really wants and on that, just make sure it's a
Speaker 1: tiny child chin an amount that they could not fill
Speaker 1: up on. Now, there may be times where all they
Speaker 1: eat is that item. Those times become so few because
Speaker 1: they realized that they're hungry and you're not going to
Speaker 1: give them a snack until the next schedule mealer snacks.
Speaker 1: So I highly recommend having an eating teen where you
Speaker 1: have the meals and the snacks planned out. Even Jason
Speaker 1: at eighteen months old, is going to be able to
Speaker 1: understand um, kitchen closed or lights out, or snack after nap.
Speaker 1: You know, you could turn these things into you know,
Speaker 1: three words sentences where you tell him no snack now,
Speaker 1: snack after nap or or whatever it is. The reason
Speaker 1: we want that is because we want them to come
Speaker 1: into the table hungry. You already know he's hungry, so
Speaker 1: it sounds like you have a good pace for your
Speaker 1: meals and snacks. And if they choose to only eat
Speaker 1: a part of a cookie, it's true they may that
Speaker 1: one time be fussy until the next meal or snack,
Speaker 1: but it will pay off once they understand the routine, like, Okay,
Speaker 1: we're only going to have food at these times that
Speaker 1: mom and Dad say, We're only going to eat what's available,
Speaker 1: and what you're usually providing is at least one safe
Speaker 1: food and a variety of other foods, including protein and
Speaker 1: these things, And you can think of it over the
Speaker 1: course of a day, like what did Jason eat over
Speaker 1: the course of the whole day? He only ate fruit
Speaker 1: for breakfast, that's true, But because he ate four cups
Speaker 1: of fruit for breakfast, you know, I don't really need
Speaker 1: to serve fruit for the rest of the day. So
Speaker 1: instead I served him milk and uh, you know, because
Speaker 1: with cheanut butter on it, and then I served him,
Speaker 1: you know, these other things over the course of the day.
Speaker 1: So if you change or shift, you shift your mind
Speaker 1: to think what is he eating over the course of
Speaker 1: the day, what is he eating over the course of
Speaker 1: the week. Is he mostly hitting all the food groups
Speaker 1: over time? Then I don't have anything to worry about.
Speaker 1: And I already know he's staying on his growth chart,
Speaker 1: so it sounds like he's getting what he needs. And
Speaker 1: what maybe what he most needs right now is for me.
Speaker 1: How much every calm down? Okay, Well, I feel so
Speaker 1: much better, Jennifer. I cannot thank you enough. I feel
Speaker 1: like maybe you feel better too, especially how last night's
Speaker 1: dinner went. Um, Jennifer Anderson, please follow her on Instagram
Speaker 1: if you've got a kid and you're struggling, or you
Speaker 1: just want to have like I look at your page
Speaker 1: two just to see different meals because I kind of
Speaker 1: get bored of, you know, doing the same meals for
Speaker 1: j So I've just I've really enjoyed following your page.
Speaker 1: It's kids eating color Um And just thank you so
Speaker 1: much for for letting us um stock you and have
Speaker 1: you on the show. We really appreciate absolutely than Jennifer.
Speaker 1: Its wonderful Bye bye. Okay, so a lot of good
Speaker 1: tips from Jennifer. Do you feel a little bit better
Speaker 1: now kind of with our plan of attack here? Yes,
Speaker 1: but also because just doesn't go by the no, there's no.
Speaker 1: I mean I've offered every day something, so it's how
Speaker 1: many days? Hey, look and we say this a lot.
Speaker 1: Jason has been like the perfect baby exaptyone comes to
Speaker 1: his eating. So if he was a great eater like
Speaker 1: his sister was, he would have been like flawless. Like
Speaker 1: literally this is like the biggest peniast thing he does.
Speaker 1: That's very true. So moving on to our next segment,
Speaker 1: what have we done wrong lately? Did you like that?
Speaker 1: And that right there is how a new segment is
Speaker 1: born What have we done wrong lately? What have we
Speaker 1: done wrong lately? We need a jingle for that. I
Speaker 1: feel like that's it, I know, but like a little
Speaker 1: instrumental in the background like Easton will get him on.
Speaker 1: So this is the game that we like to play
Speaker 1: called what have we Done wrong Lately? You first start?
Speaker 1: You started, You gotta get you gotta set the stage here, kids, Okay. Um,
Speaker 1: so the rules we say one thing that's been bothering us,
Speaker 1: and we cannot be defensive back when uh we get
Speaker 1: the thing. So you're you're saying what I've done wrong lately?
Speaker 1: So we're not calling ourselves out. That's boring. That was
Speaker 1: totally where I was going with this. Remember our game,
Speaker 1: how we say one thing that's bothering? Like how so
Speaker 1: we don't like whole things, but we can do Let's
Speaker 1: look in the mirror now, alright? What have I done
Speaker 1: wrong lately? Um? No, remember, but that was the game
Speaker 1: that we did. I let's pick on my game. That's
Speaker 1: not that's to do it to me too. Just why
Speaker 1: I said you go first? Um. When I wake up
Speaker 1: in the morning every morning, when I wake as a
Speaker 1: hello hanging from my girlfriend Philipos Bad and that song
Speaker 1: John Mellencamp. I don't know sugar every um no, but
Speaker 1: every morning when I wake up, there's a plate with
Speaker 1: a bowl and catchup that's so disgusting. You eat your
Speaker 1: chicken nuggets at one am and you leave the bowl
Speaker 1: of ketchup awful in the thing, and it looks so
Speaker 1: gross that we have to sing ours. It's gross and
Speaker 1: it stinks like ketchup when I wake up in the morning.
Speaker 1: It stinks like at chip when I wake up in
Speaker 1: the morning. Yeah. Um. And by the way, I meant
Speaker 1: to get pitchy at the end of the last round,
Speaker 1: so I'm in to go tone deaf. Um. So yeah,
Speaker 1: that's one thing. So if we could just kindly maybe
Speaker 1: I know it's one o'clock in the morning, wherever you
Speaker 1: go eat your chicken nuggets with the ketchup bowl, if
Speaker 1: you could just kindly put it in the dishwasher, or
Speaker 1: at least if the dishwasher is running, if you could
Speaker 1: just wash out the catchup bowl and not because like
Speaker 1: you've put water in it, but then there's water overflowing
Speaker 1: and they'll just catch up all on the sink the
Speaker 1: next morning. And I'm like, good morning catch up. So okay, alright,
Speaker 1: so leave it on your nightstand, got it perfect? Done
Speaker 1: your turn? What have you done wrong lately? Um? So,
Speaker 1: this has happened last night and it's something. It's the
Speaker 1: circumstances are different, but it's you'd like to reiterate. So
Speaker 1: like last night you were podcasting on our buddy Nick
Speaker 1: Knicks podcast, you know, realtor podcast, and I come in
Speaker 1: the office. I was about to take a shower. We
Speaker 1: had discussed earlier in the day that or earlier that
Speaker 1: evening that we're gonna hang out when you're done and
Speaker 1: we're gonna watch a movie and whatever. I'm about to
Speaker 1: go shower. You're like, okay, when you're done showering, can
Speaker 1: like you can we watch a movie? And you're like
Speaker 1: reiterating something we already talked about. I'm like, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: and I go shot and I go walk to show.
Speaker 1: I'm like, why does she have to feel like she
Speaker 1: has to reiterate what we already discussed? And it just
Speaker 1: I don't know why, but it just like it bothers me. Okay,
Speaker 1: eats it all right? Good to know. I don't know
Speaker 1: why either, but good to know. Do you think it's
Speaker 1: like you're worried that I'm going to bail maybe like
Speaker 1: or maybe it's just I don't because I'm so I'm
Speaker 1: such a planner, like okay, and then this is this
Speaker 1: and we check this off and then after that we
Speaker 1: do this. So I just like to I do. I
Speaker 1: like to reiterate a lot of things. Even when we
Speaker 1: have arguments, I reiterate yea or just anything like okay,
Speaker 1: so after a grocery store, you're going to go there?
Speaker 1: Or yeah. So I do do that a lot. I'm sorry,
Speaker 1: I'll be more mindful of that. Thank you. You're all them. Well,
Speaker 1: and that was our first segment of what we've done
Speaker 1: wrong lately. Um, but since you wanted to look inside,
Speaker 1: let's look in the mirror. Now I'm gonna look in
Speaker 1: the mirror and I'm gonna say what can I work on?
Speaker 1: And oh god, what did I even start? Um, I've
Speaker 1: found myself getting a little Why don't you tell me
Speaker 1: what I'm doing wrong? That's what? Just just kidding now, UM,
Speaker 1: I have found myself being a little just annoyed lately,
Speaker 1: just just a little because I don't know, I think
Speaker 1: I'm just ready to change scenery. So I just found
Speaker 1: myself getting a little agitated, and so I maybe just
Speaker 1: have to watch how we speak when agitated. What about you.
Speaker 1: Mike's like, I'm perfect. His face is like I'm good lately.
Speaker 1: I have been bad. Lately, I've been more patient. Um,
Speaker 1: just making sure I'm as real time with things as possible. Yes, yeah,
Speaker 1: I think that's the biggest thing. It's just like whether
Speaker 1: I see something needs to be brought to your attention
Speaker 1: just for clarification, whether it's whatever, it is, just real time,
Speaker 1: so so you're aware and nothing feels like it's a
Speaker 1: secret or dishonest or it just helps everybody out. Yeah,
Speaker 1: for sure. I like it cool. Well, like the new segment,
Speaker 1: we'll see if it's sticks, just like our One Tree Hill,
Speaker 1: see if that one sticks. Hey, So I'm on the
Speaker 1: wind Down podcast right now. Um, Stephanie has written me
Speaker 1: a few email else and I kind of wanted to
Speaker 1: talk this one out. Um, she's a one Tree Hiller.
Speaker 1: She says she appreciates, Um, you and I sharing our
Speaker 1: story as it has brought some normalcy to her own life.
Speaker 1: She goes into say, my husband and I have been
Speaker 1: dating or I'm sorry, I have been together for twelve years.
Speaker 1: Eleven years dating and one year married. About eight years ago,
Speaker 1: we went through some infidelity. I found out he had
Speaker 1: been cheating on me for about a year. It took
Speaker 1: a whole lot of re building and counseling to get
Speaker 1: back to a good place. About four years ago, after
Speaker 1: a big fight, he attempted to cheat again. We again
Speaker 1: were able to rebuild and work through it. We got
Speaker 1: um engaged about two years ago and married a year ago.
Speaker 1: There are still times he will get extremely upset with
Speaker 1: me if I see his phone or ask who he
Speaker 1: is texting. I do trust him, but there are times
Speaker 1: that my brain goes to that place, even if it
Speaker 1: was that long ago. It's starting to really wear on
Speaker 1: a relationship, and I honestly don't know what to do.
Speaker 1: Any advice would be really appreciated. So it seems like
Speaker 1: what he said, he gets up set. There are times
Speaker 1: he still gets extremely upset with me if I see
Speaker 1: his phone or ask who he's texting. Can I start
Speaker 1: this one, please? So two sides to his reaction, okay, um,
Speaker 1: both both of which fall under the category of defensiveness. Uh.
Speaker 1: But two things I've been defensive A either because you
Speaker 1: know I'm hiding something or sometimes I'm even more defensive
Speaker 1: when I know that I'm not when I'm actually being
Speaker 1: honest and not doing anything inappropriate or wrong. Sometimes is
Speaker 1: added justification to defend my stance. So that being said,
Speaker 1: that could possibly be a reason why he's getting so frustrated.
Speaker 1: It's because he's like, I'm actually not doing anything, like
Speaker 1: why do need to do that? Why do you need
Speaker 1: to stick on my phone? Why do you whatever? Also,
Speaker 1: just the way my personality is from my experience, the
Speaker 1: way you deliver to ask to see his phone, or
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're doing it without him knowing
Speaker 1: at all. If Janna came to me even now and said, hey,
Speaker 1: you know, I'm feeling just triggered on some things. You
Speaker 1: can I look at your phone? Are you cool? If
Speaker 1: I go through your phone? Any chance of defensiveness, if
Speaker 1: there's nothing to worry about, and I know that there's
Speaker 1: nothing to worry about, any chance for me to being
Speaker 1: defensive goes out the window. If she asks like that.
Speaker 1: Now she asked like that, and I would still get defensive,
Speaker 1: that's a red flag. So use that, not as I'm
Speaker 1: not trying to have you manipulate this situation, but use
Speaker 1: that as some sort of strategy because it can bring
Speaker 1: down his guard of defensiveness and kind of see gauge
Speaker 1: kind of where he's at with with things going on internally,
Speaker 1: for sure, Yeah, because that's if he's still defensive even
Speaker 1: when she's vulnerable. That But I feel like I will say,
Speaker 1: I don't know if it was always easy for you
Speaker 1: to even when I did say I want to, can
Speaker 1: I see your phone? Like? It's still not. I don't
Speaker 1: think it's easy for guys to to give it up
Speaker 1: so easily. I think in the beginning that was you
Speaker 1: do it amazing, now amazing. But I think in the beginning,
Speaker 1: I don't. It's still hard. Yeah, it's still hard. Can
Speaker 1: I just ask why? Though? Just like so maybe she
Speaker 1: can understand, like if he is defensive, because my fear
Speaker 1: is that he's not going to be in a place
Speaker 1: you are now and he'll be defensive and then she's
Speaker 1: gonna think she's cheating, So like, I just want to
Speaker 1: like soften the blow. It's still guys. I think all
Speaker 1: then have a degree of problem with feeling controlled, being parented,
Speaker 1: having someone oversee what they're doing, or anything like that,
Speaker 1: regardless of childhood wounds or no childhood wounds. I just
Speaker 1: feel like majority of men have that kind of struggle.
Speaker 1: So with you know, even if you ask innocently, it's
Speaker 1: so definitely possible two for someone to be defensive because
Speaker 1: you think you under why like why would you possibly
Speaker 1: need to see my phone? Well, I mean you could
Speaker 1: have easily gotten upset with me. And I felt I
Speaker 1: heard a little bit of it on the phone today
Speaker 1: when I called you when you were at the store. Um,
Speaker 1: like I I heard in your voice, like what I
Speaker 1: heard you say was like in your little like head
Speaker 1: was I'm at the wine store buying new wine, like
Speaker 1: in your triggered like because it's like and I heard
Speaker 1: that monologue even though you weren't saying it, but you know,
Speaker 1: because well, I mean I'll just what can I share? Like, um,
Speaker 1: because an incident had happened in the car. Sometimes I
Speaker 1: do get triggered if I look at the app or
Speaker 1: whatever and I'm like, man, he's been at the grocery
Speaker 1: store a long time, and I get a little triggered sometimes.
Speaker 1: And today was one of those moments because you we
Speaker 1: talked on the phone and you're like, oh yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: I'll run in back real fast because it's it was
Speaker 1: a girlfriend's birthday, and I was like, I kind of
Speaker 1: wanted to drop off flowers at the front door. So
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, babe, do you mind just running
Speaker 1: in real fast? He's like yeah, absolutely, Like I'm I
Speaker 1: just put the bags in the car and I'll know,
Speaker 1: I'll get it and i'll be back. Well, you know,
Speaker 1: about thirty ish minutes later, I look and he's still there,
Speaker 1: and so I just felt this wave of just a
Speaker 1: little trigger and I'm like, you know what, and said,
Speaker 1: I'm just going to call him because I can call him,
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm just gonna say hey, like everything good,
Speaker 1: you know. And I was like hey, babe, like where
Speaker 1: are you out And You're like, oh, hey, I'm in
Speaker 1: the wine store. And I was like, oh, okay, I
Speaker 1: just I saw that you were still there and and
Speaker 1: I just I got a little trigger and you go
Speaker 1: and you were kind of like okay, And at that moment,
Speaker 1: I was like I heard you'd be like god, i
Speaker 1: I'm not even I'm not doing it. I'm doing something
Speaker 1: for you, and you're still triggered, but like maybe you
Speaker 1: can maybe understand no I do, I'm sorry you received
Speaker 1: my okay that way. What's interesting is during that conversation, yeah,
Speaker 1: my okay was probably because I was thinking in my head,
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, wh actually get triggered. And then
Speaker 1: you even said, well we're on the phone. You said
Speaker 1: you're running, you know, right back in the flower And
Speaker 1: when you're saying that, in my head, I'm like, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: this this makes complete sense. Like I said, I was
Speaker 1: just going to run in and grab these flowers and
Speaker 1: I'll be on my way back. Then I saw it
Speaker 1: right next door that the wine store had opened, so
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, you know, you're getting thin on
Speaker 1: your wine wall. So sympathy mama. So I totally understood.
Speaker 1: But it's just it's sad though that I even like
Speaker 1: I felt bad, that I even had to like I
Speaker 1: felt bad for you, Like I felt bad. I was like, man,
Speaker 1: like he was doing something, he was trying to do
Speaker 1: something nice for me and I had to call and
Speaker 1: I wasn't I wasn't mean or anything. I was just like, hey, like,
Speaker 1: what are you doing? Like just had a little bit
Speaker 1: of a trigger. But I think that's just to say
Speaker 1: and just like with Stephanie, it's I want you to
Speaker 1: know that it's normal to feel triggers kind of out
Speaker 1: of the blue and have and want to kind of
Speaker 1: have that check in when you might get triggered and
Speaker 1: I think you're holding it in, can then make it
Speaker 1: go sideways, because I could have maybe held that trigger
Speaker 1: in and then been passive aggressive bitch to you when
Speaker 1: you got home and been like, well that took long,
Speaker 1: or like what were you really doing? That would have
Speaker 1: been like maybe five years ago, but yeah, but that
Speaker 1: was that was what I would do again, like five
Speaker 1: years ago. But now it's like, hey, like that was
Speaker 1: just kind of I got a little trigger and like
Speaker 1: and just like mentioned like saying it and speaking it
Speaker 1: and then you're reassuring and not being defensive makes those
Speaker 1: moments lesson each time. So like the less Stephanie your
Speaker 1: husband's defensive, the less you the less you get triggered.
Speaker 1: And also the more you feel reassured in those moments
Speaker 1: because I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, like I
Speaker 1: just okay, thanks, like you know, and then it was
Speaker 1: like over um. But it's it's kind of crazy to
Speaker 1: think about two and not to keep going on this.
Speaker 1: But like when we have that Jason guy, that that
Speaker 1: book that you read to the author and we kind
Speaker 1: of asked, like when when will the triggers go away?
Speaker 1: And he's like, never, like the lesson, but they'll like
Speaker 1: they'll always still kind of be there, right for both
Speaker 1: of us, Right, I mean you still you still have
Speaker 1: your own triggers with you know, certain things too. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean everyone and everyone varies, but yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1: And you know, I think, all right, like this, take
Speaker 1: this for example, I have some friends that if they
Speaker 1: went out tonight and say, I mean, we're kind of
Speaker 1: past age of really getting drunk and all that, but
Speaker 1: say they go out and get drunk and you know,
Speaker 1: their phone dies and they don't talk to their wife
Speaker 1: until the next morning. Yeah, no one loves that. But
Speaker 1: I have plenty of friends and couple of ships that
Speaker 1: they'd like, they'd like laugh at each other, but like
Speaker 1: you idiot, you know what I mean, Like it just
Speaker 1: wouldn't be a big deal. Could we ever do that? No,
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. So it's that that kind
Speaker 1: of benefit the doubt if something like this happens does
Speaker 1: grow out the window to a certain degree, I mean yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, which nobody should be in a situation where
Speaker 1: it's like necessarily okay, if that happens but if it happens,
Speaker 1: there are some couple of ships that they laugh about it,
Speaker 1: and then there's others like ours, where it's like that,
Speaker 1: ain't that ain't happening. So it's just you know, it's
Speaker 1: a spectrum. But again, if you read and pre order
Speaker 1: The Good Fight, we talk about different kinds of boundaries
Speaker 1: and ways to deal with triggers, and um, yeah, so
Speaker 1: not to like if I'm just saying like we you know,
Speaker 1: we've worked on so many different ways to like kind
Speaker 1: of express that and deal with certain triggers that might come.
Speaker 1: So for sure, pick up your copy. Okay, let's do
Speaker 1: one more email and then um, it's time to say goodbye.
Speaker 1: Um anonymous, still still yearning to become a mom? How
Speaker 1: do I forgive myself? Okay? Um, I'm forty five years old,
Speaker 1: have been with my husband since two thousand six. During
Speaker 1: his previous marriage, we had a vasectomy, or during his
Speaker 1: previous marriage, he had a vasectomy. At thirty nine years old,
Speaker 1: we decided to go through infertility as my clock had
Speaker 1: already ticked beyond the scary point. We got pregnant very easily,
Speaker 1: but at our twelve week check up, my will be
Speaker 1: g y n saw a concerning sign with our ultrasound.
Speaker 1: The gray area at the base of the skull most
Speaker 1: likely meant Down syndrome. Being raised Catholic, I was blessed
Speaker 1: that God shows us to raise the special child. My
Speaker 1: husband did not feel the same. He stopped touching my
Speaker 1: belly and it put a strain on our relationship. After
Speaker 1: speaking with a therapist and hearing the thoughts of our
Speaker 1: family and friends, I could see and understand his fear.
Speaker 1: Still today, I regret the decision to terminate our pregnancy.
Speaker 1: It has been almost six years since we said goodbye
Speaker 1: to our angel, and I can't forgive myself for this decision.
Speaker 1: How do I get through this and forgive myself? That's tough.
Speaker 1: That makes me like teary eyed. You know, this is
Speaker 1: one of the situations because anyone who goes through having children,
Speaker 1: you you have this discussion a little bit, you know,
Speaker 1: And that's why anyone who has had a child is
Speaker 1: having a child. Understand why when people ask do you
Speaker 1: want to borrow a girl? And when it gets close,
Speaker 1: people say, I just pray that they're healthy. I'm not
Speaker 1: saying that children with Down syndroom aren't healthy. I'm just
Speaker 1: saying complications, any kind of health complications, any kind of complication.
Speaker 1: Everyone just wants their child to be healthy. And you
Speaker 1: know they run tests for these kind of things. Um,
Speaker 1: that's why they do what they do. And it's one
Speaker 1: of those situations that I don't know how to answer
Speaker 1: to an extent, because nobody knows. Just like a lot
Speaker 1: of things, nobody knows what they're gonna do until they're
Speaker 1: in that situation. I know plenty of people with child
Speaker 1: with special needs of some sort, and they couldn't be happier,
Speaker 1: couldn't imagine their life without them. And but I will say,
Speaker 1: you know, that's after the fact, after the child's born,
Speaker 1: there in their life. Now, how did they feel when
Speaker 1: they found out? How did they feel when they first
Speaker 1: saw their child? You know, were they that happy in
Speaker 1: that moment? Some may maybe some may have honestly not been,
Speaker 1: because that is a life long commitment, just like having
Speaker 1: any child. But they are in your care for the
Speaker 1: rest of your life mostly so, M this is hard.
Speaker 1: I think what hurts too is like that she hates
Speaker 1: herself for the decision that she made. And I just
Speaker 1: the decision was made and now you have, you know,
Speaker 1: your life to still live and you. What I just
Speaker 1: would hate for you is to continue to hate yourself
Speaker 1: for a decision that you chose, whether it was right
Speaker 1: or wrong. That's your um, Like you have to you
Speaker 1: have to now move on in a sense where it's
Speaker 1: hating yourself is not going to make any any of
Speaker 1: the situation better, Like it's do you know what I'm
Speaker 1: trying to say, Like it's um, there's not anything now
Speaker 1: that can be done now, but hating yourself is. I
Speaker 1: think you should definitely talk to someone. Yeah, which just
Speaker 1: says she's you know, spoken to a therapist. But I
Speaker 1: would too, because I mean it doesn't say anything about
Speaker 1: your and your husband not being together still, So I
Speaker 1: would probably have if it was me, Like and then
Speaker 1: maybe this sounds really bad, but like I would resent
Speaker 1: my husband, Like if you said that to me, like
Speaker 1: I would resent, I would resent you. I would like
Speaker 1: I don't I'm not asked, I'm not. I don't want
Speaker 1: you to, you know, the woman who wrote this, Like
Speaker 1: I I think that's wrong too, But I think part
Speaker 1: of me would resent you that you didn't love our
Speaker 1: baby no matter what. That would be hard for me.
Speaker 1: And then that that decision was made because of your
Speaker 1: distaste for it. I guess mm hmm, that would be
Speaker 1: kind of a hard pill to swallow. Yeah, I mean
Speaker 1: it's tough. But what I would say now is lean
Speaker 1: into your husband about it. Not from a resentful, blaming place,
Speaker 1: but just tell them how you feel. Yeah. No, for sure,
Speaker 1: I'm not saying like to resent I'm just like, yeah,
Speaker 1: which I wouldn't blame you, I wouldn't blame anybody, but yeah,
Speaker 1: I definitely, like you said, lean in for sure and
Speaker 1: talk to him how you feel. And because it's it's
Speaker 1: but it was y'all's decision that you guys made, you know, together, Still,
Speaker 1: essentially it was y'all's decision, So don't feel like you
Speaker 1: have to do this alone. Lean into him, just telling
Speaker 1: how you feel, be honest. That's just hard. But we
Speaker 1: appreciate you, Sharon. Yes, thank you for sharing um D
Speaker 1: M S the wind Down podcast. If you guys have
Speaker 1: any questions or anything else you want us to talk about,
Speaker 1: all right, see you next week. Bye guys. M