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Speaker 1: Find Out and podcast. All right, I'm jumping right into it.

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Speaker 1: We've been having swim lessons with Jolie right and Jane

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Speaker 1: and I have been stuck with like kind of back

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Speaker 1: and forth with not rushing things, but also it's like,

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Speaker 1: where's that point of you gotta push them? You know.

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Speaker 1: It's like I'm trying to We're trying to find that

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Speaker 1: balance a little bit between like really fortunate, No, you

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Speaker 1: gotta get in, you got us to get under water

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Speaker 1: to Okay, let's not rush her. Let's not like traumatizer

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Speaker 1: around this. Let's not have her scared of the pool.

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Speaker 1: Here's my thing though with that is the lessons that

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Speaker 1: she did in Los Angeles. I mean, of course she's

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Speaker 1: crying in the very beginning, but she was awesome moving forward,

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Speaker 1: and so I think it's one of those things where, yeah,

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Speaker 1: it is that weird balance, like we're not sure like

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Speaker 1: what to do, especially since we're the ones trying to

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Speaker 1: teach her. But at the same time, it's like, you know,

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Speaker 1: last summer, she was you know, awesome at swimming, and

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Speaker 1: she would swim to us and not have her floaties on,

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Speaker 1: and in this summer she's terrified and has to have

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Speaker 1: her floaties on. So I don't know if that's like

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Speaker 1: a a normal thing where but it's you know, I

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Speaker 1: don't think she's been traumatized. Last summer, she like we

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Speaker 1: have a a photo of her being thrown up in

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Speaker 1: the air. It's thrown her there and should lay in

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Speaker 1: the water. We'd look at each other under water. She

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Speaker 1: would hold onto my neck. We dive like great swimming,

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Speaker 1: and then all of a sudden, it's like she doesn't

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Speaker 1: know how to swim. We'll talk to are some of

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Speaker 1: our friends who have kids around the same age and older.

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Speaker 1: They said, it's fairly normal with you know, because they

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Speaker 1: go a whole season without being in the pool, so

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Speaker 1: it's new again they have they're a little bit older

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Speaker 1: and more and they're maturing a little bit. They have

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Speaker 1: different feelings about things, so it's a little bit more

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Speaker 1: insecure and you know, so it's it's just been tough

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Speaker 1: with that battle and not. But I don't know, I

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Speaker 1: just I guess where are you at with it? I

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Speaker 1: think with these situations, I'm almost I walk on on

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Speaker 1: next shows too much because maybe I'm fearful of being

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Speaker 1: too hard. Maybe I'm fearful of being the way you

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Speaker 1: know my parents were at times, or anybody's parents were

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Speaker 1: at times right where it's just like, you know, shut

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Speaker 1: up and get in or or whatever. And you're almost like,

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Speaker 1: just give her the floaties, like who cares, She'll learn

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Speaker 1: when she learns. Yeah, I don't know. I'm just would

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Speaker 1: you be the same way with Jace. Yeah, that's the

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Speaker 1: that's the thing, like even with Jason will be the

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Speaker 1: same way. Has nothing to do with like it being

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Speaker 1: Jolly and versus Jason. It's has everything to do with well,

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Speaker 1: I just say that because I know you say that,

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Speaker 1: Like like that one kid at my gym last year,

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Speaker 1: You're like, come on, kids, like stop the little bit

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Speaker 1: a little boy versus if it was a girl. It's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: are you okay? For sure? But with with this situation,

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Speaker 1: I would be the same either way. And I because

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Speaker 1: I've catch myself, I just want to be like Jolie

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Speaker 1: just getting the water stop. Yeah, but I don't. I

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Speaker 1: don't do that. But that part of you that gets

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Speaker 1: frustrated once too because they can't understand what we're when

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Speaker 1: we're trying to explain to her, Jolie, last summer, you

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Speaker 1: were a little fish. Now all of a sudden, you

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Speaker 1: don't want to put your foot in without a floaty.

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Speaker 1: I wonder if we could get like a child psychiatrist,

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Speaker 1: a psychologist, yeah, children's psychologists, because I think that would

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Speaker 1: help us because I don't know, I don't know what

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Speaker 1: the right thing to say or do is because I

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Speaker 1: kind of lean in the way of just throw her in,

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Speaker 1: you know, for sure, and she has to go underwater,

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Speaker 1: like let's we're being too like But again, like you say,

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Speaker 1: that's almost probably that maybe that's too aggressive and she,

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Speaker 1: you know, she she needs to go baby steps towards it. Again,

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Speaker 1: So maybe if we had someone that could help us

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Speaker 1: kind of guide us through some of the things that

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Speaker 1: we're dealing with her, and especially when it comes to

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Speaker 1: like today we have a a food specialist on a

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Speaker 1: nutritionalist who deals with children, because you know, kind of

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Speaker 1: the same thing we're dealing with Jaces. We don't like,

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Speaker 1: he won't eat anything, and it's frustrating because we're like,

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Speaker 1: do we are are we at the stage where we

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Speaker 1: were Jolie where it's like, okay, she doesn't eat or

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Speaker 1: do you feed because kids are going to eat when

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Speaker 1: they're hungry. It's my mom always said they're gonna eat

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Speaker 1: when they're hungry, right, But we also have the routine

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Speaker 1: of this is what time, dinner time is, and then

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Speaker 1: if we offer all these things, and then do we

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Speaker 1: keep offering foods or what do we do? And he'll

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Speaker 1: he'll crush something one night. The next night you'll try

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Speaker 1: to get him the same thing. He'll act like he's

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Speaker 1: never seen it before and doesn't want to touch it

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Speaker 1: with a ten foot fork. So I'm so excited to

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Speaker 1: talk to our guests later because we definitely need help

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Speaker 1: with that. Um. But when it comes to the you know,

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Speaker 1: the child psychology behind the children's psychology behind that, I don't.

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Speaker 1: I honestly don't know what the right thing is to do.

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Speaker 1: I know that my annoyance levels heightened. Yeah, and let

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Speaker 1: me to be honest about something or vulnerable about something, please.

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Speaker 1: I have a fear. I'm terrified that, you know, if

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Speaker 1: I pushed the kids too much, that they'll feel the

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Speaker 1: way I did about like my dad at times. And

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Speaker 1: like I'm so terrified of that. Oh that makes me TiO,

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Speaker 1: I know, And like I don't want my kids to

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Speaker 1: ever think like I'm too hard on them. I don't

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Speaker 1: want my kids to ever think like that I don't

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Speaker 1: love them, that I don't have their back, that I'm

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Speaker 1: there to support them no matter what, which I know,

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Speaker 1: you know, my dad always was, but because of the

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Speaker 1: way he was treated, you know, it's a generational thing.

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Speaker 1: It's I understood that he did the best that he

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Speaker 1: could and and all of that, and I love my

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Speaker 1: dad at death, but I just know how as a kid,

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Speaker 1: how I received certain things that he did, and I'm

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Speaker 1: just I'm fearful of of our kids receiving things the

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Speaker 1: way I did as a kid because I was a

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Speaker 1: sensitive kid, and I just so it was with something

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Speaker 1: like this. This is why it like racks my brain

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Speaker 1: a lot, because I'm just get her the floating just

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Speaker 1: like now, I'm I don't want you to ever feel

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Speaker 1: like like I wouldn't want them to feel the same

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Speaker 1: way that you did, and nor do I want you

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Speaker 1: to feel that, because it's in a way you're simultaneously

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Speaker 1: getting triggered right right, And you know, it's just it

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Speaker 1: just sucks because it's it's all everything in moderation. Everything

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Speaker 1: in life is about moderation. But as I can't always

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Speaker 1: do that because then they're gonna be soft. Is putting like,

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Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and we don't want that

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Speaker 1: because you and I are two hardheaded, strong people. So

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Speaker 1: it's it's just that balance. And but because Jolie is

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Speaker 1: getting older and at this age she'll start to remember

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Speaker 1: things more, you know, four going on five, I'm just

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Speaker 1: really terrifying, right, I'm just tiptoeing around around these kind

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Speaker 1: of things a little bit more. I'm gonna get that.

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Speaker 1: I appreciate you sharing. Yeah, I definitely can empathize with that,

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Speaker 1: and you know, and I can lean into you in

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Speaker 1: those moments, like if there's something where you can say like, hey,

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Speaker 1: I'm I'm feeling childhood here, where then I can step

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Speaker 1: into that. You don't maybe have to be that to

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Speaker 1: get triggered on, do you know what I'm saying? Where

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Speaker 1: then I can either be the which I don't always

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Speaker 1: want to be, which you don't always want to be

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Speaker 1: the dresser, or the one that you know gets like

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Speaker 1: that balance each other out there. Yeah, But I mean

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Speaker 1: in those situations, if you ever start to feel that,

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Speaker 1: like in the moment, I guess to express that to

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Speaker 1: me so that way I can help you out so

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Speaker 1: that you don't I might need I might need to

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Speaker 1: tag you in be like, hey, I don't know how

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Speaker 1: to navigate this right now because of my own Yeah,

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Speaker 1: that's that's that would be the best thing, you know,

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Speaker 1: for for everybody involved, you know, because I don't want

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Speaker 1: you feeling that way. You don't want to go back

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Speaker 1: on Jolie or Jason, you know. And and then I'll

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Speaker 1: kind of assess the situation to see, Okay, do we

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Speaker 1: push or do we not push or you know, or

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Speaker 1: because you're right, I mean, what is too hard for

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Speaker 1: the kid. But also again, they still have to have

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Speaker 1: certain boundaries, which I think we do great out we

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Speaker 1: both when it comes to respect for people, in respect

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Speaker 1: for us and um and listening and stuff like we

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Speaker 1: we give her chances and then it's like k, third strike,

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Speaker 1: your outgo to your room, which I think we're good

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Speaker 1: with that, but yeah, when it comes to extracurricular things

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Speaker 1: where it's you don't want to be too hard, And

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Speaker 1: I've caught myself being like, Julie, why would you do that?

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Speaker 1: You know, And I think to myself, I'm like, the

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Speaker 1: second I said that, I was like, because she's for Janna.

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Speaker 1: That's why she did that. Because she doesn't know any better.

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Speaker 1: So instead of saying why would you do that? Maybe

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Speaker 1: say hey, let me tell you why maybe we shouldn't

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Speaker 1: do this so that they actually understand. But I have

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Speaker 1: caught myself do that a few times and I feel

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Speaker 1: so crappy afterwards, like why would you put your foot

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Speaker 1: in the laundry basket when? And then why would you

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Speaker 1: stand on to matchbox cars? That's that was today. She

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Speaker 1: was standing at trying to like skating around the house

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Speaker 1: with two matchbox cars under her feet. But again, she's

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Speaker 1: a kid. That sounds that sounds fun. Why don't we

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Speaker 1: go skate around with max match box cars under our feet?

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Speaker 1: You wouldn't have to tell me with a good time?

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Speaker 1: Too too hard at that I could go out there

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Speaker 1: and try it right now. But yeah, it's just I

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Speaker 1: don't know. It's just tough to navigate that stuff as parents.

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Speaker 1: And it's like I feel like there's ends of the spectrum, right.

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Speaker 1: It's like I contribute our work in therapy to even

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Speaker 1: be able to acknowledge that that I don't just jump

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Speaker 1: to the negative and it's like, well, you know, this

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Speaker 1: is how I was reading situations, So that's how it's done,

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Speaker 1: and just do it or be the opposite end, where

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Speaker 1: it's like you don't want to do that so much

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Speaker 1: so that you enable them and then they never do

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Speaker 1: anything for themselves and then you're just ruining their life

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Speaker 1: as they get older, you know. So it's I'm trying

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Speaker 1: to do the work here, and we're both trying to

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Speaker 1: do the work by acknowledging both sides of things and

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Speaker 1: discuss things like this with y'all and with each other.

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Speaker 1: But it's just that stuff that comes up there. You're

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Speaker 1: just like, damn, parenting is hard and there's no there's

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Speaker 1: no rule book for it either. But I would really

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Speaker 1: like to talk to I mean, because we a psychologist,

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Speaker 1: a children's you know, psychologist would be great for that too,

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Speaker 1: you know, because how to kind of balance that and um, yeah,

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Speaker 1: we should look into that if anyone knows a good

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Speaker 1: one too. D M s the One Down podcast. Um,

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Speaker 1: thanks for sharing, Mike, I appreciate it. And when you're

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Speaker 1: in that situation again, please just kind of be like, hey,

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Speaker 1: podcast episode triggered dag copy. Um, let's take a break

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Speaker 1: and then when we come back. Jennifer Anderson, she's I've

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Speaker 1: stalked her on Instagram for quite a while now because

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Speaker 1: of Jason's eating habits. Um her her her instagram as

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Speaker 1: Kids Eating Color I'm super excited to talk to her.

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Speaker 1: Help help us. Um, we'll be back. So I'm so

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Speaker 1: excited because boy, do we need help? And you track

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Speaker 1: this person down. Oh, I straight up flit into her

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Speaker 1: d m S. I was like, hey, I swear like

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Speaker 1: I'm not a stalker, but I'm stock you every day.

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Speaker 1: He and I need I need more help. Um we

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Speaker 1: have on the show. Um, Jennifer Anderson who is Kids

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Speaker 1: Eating Color um on Instagram. I'm obsessed with her. Welcome

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Speaker 1: to the show. Thank you so much. Jan I'm Mike. Um.

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Speaker 1: I just I don't even know where to start because

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Speaker 1: I kind of feel a little helpless when it comes

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Speaker 1: to what's going on with Jace and his eating patterns.

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Speaker 1: It's just becoming where I just throw my hands out

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Speaker 1: and I'm like, fine, have this. I don't like because

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Speaker 1: it's just that was you yesterday when you're trying to

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Speaker 1: feed him dinner. Yeah. I was just like, all right,

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Speaker 1: crackers here, Like, sorry, Jennifer, don't be mad at me,

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Speaker 1: but it's just so you're a dietitian and a mom

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Speaker 1: of two boys. Um, so you're you know you're you're

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Speaker 1: in it. How old are your boys right now? They

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Speaker 1: are four and six but about to be five and seven.

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Speaker 1: So you went through all the you know, the toddler

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Speaker 1: phases of refusing to eat and all that. Yep, we

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Speaker 1: have started. I had one kid fall off the growth chart.

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Speaker 1: My other one has been very selective and continues to

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Speaker 1: be because selective eating starts early and it doesn't go

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Speaker 1: away right away, you know. So what how did you

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Speaker 1: start your Instagram? Was it just that you knew other

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Speaker 1: moms were desperate for help? You know what it was

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Speaker 1: because I was desperate for help, and I thought. I

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Speaker 1: stood in my kitchen and I had been making these

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Speaker 1: cute little lunches for my three year old, trying to

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Speaker 1: get him to eat because he tends not to eat enough.

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Speaker 1: And I stood there and I thought to myself, I

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Speaker 1: cannot be the only mom struggling like this, And it

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Speaker 1: turns out I wasn't. And so I just started posting

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Speaker 1: cute little pictures of his lunches and little feeding tip

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Speaker 1: tips in the captions, and and pretty soon people are like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, when I do this, my child eats,

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Speaker 1: my child eat broccoli, My child to eating more food,

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Speaker 1: and I became just obsessed with helping other parents feed

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Speaker 1: their kids. And now you have almost a million followers

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Speaker 1: because of that. So you're like, she's like yeah, Like

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Speaker 1: I was like, you know what, I cannot be the

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Speaker 1: only person, And it turns out no, I'm not the

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Speaker 1: only person, not at all. Um, do you kind of

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Speaker 1: want to tell her what's going on with Jace? You

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Speaker 1: know it's it's funny, how yeah. I mean, as you know,

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Speaker 1: every kid is different, right, And Jolie, our daughter, four

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Speaker 1: year old, has always been a fantastic eater, I mean amazing, seamless.

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Speaker 1: And Jason has been fantastic and like every other area

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Speaker 1: except for when it comes to eating, and he's been

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Speaker 1: super picky. And the frustrating part for us is he'll

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Speaker 1: crush something one day. The next day, if we get

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Speaker 1: him the same thing, I won't want it. Nope, I

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Speaker 1: don't want it. Like you literally just had Yeah you

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Speaker 1: literally just have this chicken or this macaroni even macaroni

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Speaker 1: and cheese. Are like, we know you love this, how

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Speaker 1: are you not eating it? And then I'll also say

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Speaker 1: to just to like book and that where he we

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Speaker 1: know that he would love spaghetti or a cookie or

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Speaker 1: something like that, and he will refuse to eat it.

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Speaker 1: We're to the point where Michael and I have had

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Speaker 1: to hold his head to try to like just taste it,

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Speaker 1: and he screams. And then when he tastes it, he's like, oh,

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Speaker 1: I like it, and we're like, a we told you

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Speaker 1: you would like it, you know, And we've done the

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Speaker 1: whole trick, like mommy, eat one, like feed mommy, and

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Speaker 1: then we try like we've done everything, and we don't

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Speaker 1: know what to do because we probably know holding his

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Speaker 1: head and shoving food in his face to give him

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Speaker 1: to try it is not the right thing to do. Well.

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Speaker 1: That tells me right there that you guys are good

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Speaker 1: parents and you know what you're doing. Sometimes we do

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Speaker 1: things when we're totally desperate and we're like this cannot

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Speaker 1: be the right way, and then as like there are

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Speaker 1: other options for you. How old is Jase. He's eighteen

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Speaker 1: months eighteen months, so that's like right at the like

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Speaker 1: some of the hardest times of picky eating, And you

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Speaker 1: guys have an amazing opportunity because what you do right

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Speaker 1: now can either set you on the path of him

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Speaker 1: becoming more picky and or really turn the tide and

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Speaker 1: give him the freedom to learn to become a better eater.

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Speaker 1: My guess is because your daughter, your four year old

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Speaker 1: daughter is has always eaten great. You are thinking, You're

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Speaker 1: probably thinking to yourself, it can't be our fault, right, Well,

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Speaker 1: I will say this though, Remember that time where she'd

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Speaker 1: only eat mac and cheese, and the only way we

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Speaker 1: got her and this is Jennifer, You're gonna think this

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Speaker 1: is awful. The only way we got her to eat

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Speaker 1: something other than mac and cheese is we would turn

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Speaker 1: on TV so that she didn't notice that she was

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Speaker 1: eating a piece of broccoli. Well, and we're it was

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Speaker 1: when she was old enough to negotiate. So it's like,

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Speaker 1: if you take a bite of this, like, will will

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Speaker 1: push play on the TV. And once we got her

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Speaker 1: in the habit of eating that stuff, then we cut

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Speaker 1: the t V out. And again it's some might shame

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Speaker 1: or judge on that. But now she's four and she

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Speaker 1: eats everything. Yeah. Yeah, So what I can tell you is, um,

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Speaker 1: there are other things you can do that may take

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Speaker 1: a little bit more time, but a little less effort

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Speaker 1: on your because then you probably had to wean her

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Speaker 1: off the TV, and that probably wasn't fun and that

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Speaker 1: all things. So I will say what I can tell

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Speaker 1: right now is you guys are problems solvers. You want

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Speaker 1: to future kids the best way possible. I never ever

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Speaker 1: judge ever. Remember I had a kid fall off the

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Speaker 1: growth chart heating kids. It's really tricky. I have nothing

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Speaker 1: to say. Um, I definitely just went and bought a

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Speaker 1: piece of last night because I was like, this day

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Speaker 1: is too much for me. So you know, if you

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Speaker 1: need to talk to somebody who's not going to judge

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Speaker 1: you and it's going to see you as a problem solver,

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Speaker 1: than you came to the right amazing. So help us?

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Speaker 1: How do we? How do we? Because it's so frustrating

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Speaker 1: when I know he would like something and he doesn't

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Speaker 1: eat it right or try it, just try it, like

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Speaker 1: try mic. My guess is Jason as a and you

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Speaker 1: can tell me if I'm right wrong. Is a really

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Speaker 1: strong kid who's really creative and knows what he wants

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Speaker 1: and maybe has opinions. He's definitely getting an opinion for sure,

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Speaker 1: starting to spike out. Yeah, so that's awesome, right. That

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Speaker 1: means you have have a super fun, awesome kid. I

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Speaker 1: have to extraordinarily opinionated kids. That makes them very exciting.

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Speaker 1: It also at times makes them difficult to feed, right,

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Speaker 1: because my guess is he really has an opinion about

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Speaker 1: what is going in his mouth. And what we see

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Speaker 1: with kids and eating is, yeah, you can force them.

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Speaker 1: You could turn on the TV, you can get them

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Speaker 1: to eat, you can bribe them with candy, and well,

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Speaker 1: that may work for some kids, like it did for

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Speaker 1: your daughter. A lot of times, it just creates more

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Speaker 1: problems that we have to deal with later. And so

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Speaker 1: what we want to do is we want to use

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Speaker 1: some of those evidence based strategies that teach kids how

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Speaker 1: to eat and take the stress off of us, because

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Speaker 1: you guys sound like you're stressed, right, It's just frustrating.

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Speaker 1: Like five, When five o'clock rolls around, I start to panic, like,

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Speaker 1: oh God, like is this gonna be We're gonna pull

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Speaker 1: our hair out and he's gonna scream? Is he gonna

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Speaker 1: throw everything and not eat? You know, or try your

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Speaker 1: blood pressure? Your blood pressure is going up. It's like,

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Speaker 1: oh my gosh, five o'clock. You are not alone. There

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Speaker 1: are so many parents who have that feeling like I've

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Speaker 1: felt it myself, Like you're like, oh my gosh, there're

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Speaker 1: one one woman in my feeding program better bits. She said, Um,

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Speaker 1: I feel like I'm preparing for a world war battle

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Speaker 1: every time I go to sit down in a meal.

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Speaker 1: So you're not alone. The first thing that I always

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Speaker 1: recommend parents do. The first thing is start by saying, oh, hey,

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Speaker 1: you don't have to eat it. Don't even give it

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Speaker 1: to them. Put it on the table, sit down, have

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Speaker 1: a family meal together. Make sure you have a meal.

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Speaker 1: Make sure you have a food that you know he likes.

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Speaker 1: That macaroni and cheese you were talking about is perfect, right,

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Speaker 1: put it down on the table. Hey, we're all going

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Speaker 1: to sit down for the meal. Don't put anything on

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Speaker 1: his plate. I find that eighteen month olds usually like

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Speaker 1: look around at that point and they're like, why didn't

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Speaker 1: you give me any food? And but you dish up

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Speaker 1: your plate, dish up your daughter's plate, enjoy the food.

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Speaker 1: Oh my gosh, this macarny cheese is so good. Now,

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Speaker 1: your point in doing that is not to like put

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Speaker 1: on a show, because even eighteen month olds know when

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Speaker 1: you're putting on a show. Right, he sounds like a

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Speaker 1: smart kid, So what he needs to know is that

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Speaker 1: he actually doesn't have to eat anything. He doesn't want

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Speaker 1: to nothing, and at that point he may ask for something.

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Speaker 1: You may say, you know, wear mine or macaroni or

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Speaker 1: you know, whatever he likes to say or point or

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Speaker 1: a sign, you know, wherever he's at with that. So

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Speaker 1: I find that to be one of the absolute most

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Speaker 1: effective strategies. When you, as a parent, stop carrying what

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Speaker 1: they actually eat at the meal. And I know this

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Speaker 1: is like impossible, so pretend like you you don't care

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00:21:04,160 --> 00:21:06,919
Speaker 1: what they eat at the meal, keep it totally cool,

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Speaker 1: and you enjoy your food and don't give them any

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Speaker 1: And I actually one time saw my kids eat a

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Speaker 1: hole bowl of staff, like a whole large bowl of

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Speaker 1: salad because I told them that I didn't think they

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Speaker 1: wanted it, and I only had made some for myself,

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Speaker 1: and they were very unhappy with that, and they just

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Speaker 1: ate it, and I was like, oh, okay, So what

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Speaker 1: happens If he doesn't eat any of it, then that's

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Speaker 1: when the parenting comes in. That's when it gets tough.

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Speaker 1: So at every single meal, I always recommend you include

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Speaker 1: at least one food that he really is comfortable with.

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Speaker 1: So picky eaters you have to remember and most people

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Speaker 1: don't understand this, but most picky eaters are picky for

401
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:50,440
Speaker 1: a reason. They around you know, a year, even it

402
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:54,280
Speaker 1: can't start even earlier, they develop you know, separation anxiety.

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Speaker 1: They start to be afraid of things, which is good

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Speaker 1: because they become more mobile and we don't want them

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Speaker 1: wandering through the forest eating mushrooms. Of course, our kids

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00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,280
Speaker 1: generally aren't wandering through the forest, and so it begins

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00:22:05,320 --> 00:22:07,720
Speaker 1: problematic when they're not eating mushrooms that we've served on

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Speaker 1: the table. But they begin to have what's called neophobia,

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00:22:11,480 --> 00:22:15,399
Speaker 1: or the fear of something new. So food neophobia is

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Speaker 1: very common, and it usually arrives usually between twelve months

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Speaker 1: and thirty six months, but it can show up as

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Speaker 1: late as like four or five. So my guess is

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Speaker 1: he there's something about it. Either he's feeling pressure from

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Speaker 1: you and he wants to like engage you in that

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Speaker 1: that uh, you know, power struggle, or he's actually afraid

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Speaker 1: of it. Maybe he looks at the food and he's like,

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Speaker 1: mm hmm, that color one time, I ate that color

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Speaker 1: might tummy felt weird. I can't tell you about that,

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Speaker 1: but we've seen examples of even babies being given medicine

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Speaker 1: on a blue spoon suddenly will never eat any food

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Speaker 1: off that blue spoon. Because even at a very very

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Speaker 1: young age of six months, nine months, twelve months, they

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Speaker 1: can develop these associations between heiny details and a experience

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Speaker 1: that they had that was very traumatic to them or

425
00:23:06,000 --> 00:23:08,560
Speaker 1: very unpleasant. Maybe they ate something and then they threw

426
00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:11,040
Speaker 1: up later and you didn't think anything of it, but

427
00:23:11,240 --> 00:23:15,000
Speaker 1: you know that happened, so um, that is something that

428
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,200
Speaker 1: you've got to keep in mind. He's picky for a reason.

429
00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:20,080
Speaker 1: He's really not trying to get at you. He's just

430
00:23:20,119 --> 00:23:23,080
Speaker 1: trying to protect himself and act like a like an

431
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:26,400
Speaker 1: eighteen month old, and you know that's something. So when

432
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,800
Speaker 1: you set him down to the table, don't ever ever

433
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,680
Speaker 1: ever get them something else. Just make that rule and

434
00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:36,640
Speaker 1: keep it. I guess that's where I'm like, and that's

435
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:39,359
Speaker 1: their choice, right, And this is where you really have

436
00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:43,159
Speaker 1: to kind of dig down deep and think, Okay, there

437
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,680
Speaker 1: are going to be times, and I mean, I think

438
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:50,320
Speaker 1: my kids have maybe made this choice maybe like three times.

439
00:23:51,119 --> 00:23:53,679
Speaker 1: There are going to be times when they choose not

440
00:23:53,760 --> 00:23:57,120
Speaker 1: to eat, but it's probably because they're actually not hungry.

441
00:23:57,200 --> 00:24:00,639
Speaker 1: Because toddlers are notorious for listening to the everybody. So

442
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,239
Speaker 1: the first year of life, they triple in size. That

443
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,600
Speaker 1: means they need a ton of calories. I mean they will.

444
00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,639
Speaker 1: I mean maybe maybe when your daughter she was always

445
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,600
Speaker 1: been a great eight here, right, maybe when she was

446
00:24:10,640 --> 00:24:12,760
Speaker 1: told months old, one time she ate as much as

447
00:24:12,760 --> 00:24:17,560
Speaker 1: you did or something that's totally normal. But then one

448
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:20,760
Speaker 1: day she ate three bites of food the entire day.

449
00:24:20,880 --> 00:24:24,679
Speaker 1: And that's actually totally normal toddler behavior. So one day

450
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,320
Speaker 1: they'll eat as much as you. The next day they

451
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,720
Speaker 1: will eat like three bites of food the whole day,

452
00:24:28,840 --> 00:24:30,760
Speaker 1: and then they kind of go over. But what research

453
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:32,960
Speaker 1: shows is they do eat enough over the course of

454
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:35,560
Speaker 1: the week, over the course of the month to maintain

455
00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:40,520
Speaker 1: their growth. What about if it's him afraid to try

456
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:45,640
Speaker 1: something like is that a thing like do you Obviously

457
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,320
Speaker 1: you don't hold the head down like waves to feed,

458
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:52,520
Speaker 1: but like, is it just keep showing them that food

459
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,560
Speaker 1: to say here, maybe try and then if not, like,

460
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:59,679
Speaker 1: then you don't force it. Right. So once you're willing

461
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:03,440
Speaker 1: to kind of take off the pressure and step back

462
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:06,439
Speaker 1: and just just let the let the actual eating go

463
00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:12,080
Speaker 1: for a while, um, then you can begin these other methods.

464
00:25:12,080 --> 00:25:14,719
Speaker 1: But before you really get them to try food I

465
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:19,080
Speaker 1: first recommend just take take a step back. Remember it's

466
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:22,120
Speaker 1: your job to put the food on the table, it's

467
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,879
Speaker 1: their job to decide whether or not to eat it.

468
00:25:25,080 --> 00:25:28,280
Speaker 1: From there, you can really step back and say, Okay,

469
00:25:28,280 --> 00:25:30,320
Speaker 1: how are we going to move forward? Because once he

470
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,520
Speaker 1: knows that you're never going to make him eat anything,

471
00:25:32,800 --> 00:25:35,760
Speaker 1: suddenly it's all within his control. It's all within his

472
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:39,400
Speaker 1: control to decide what he's going to do. So after

473
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:41,919
Speaker 1: you've established that that you, as a parent, you're going

474
00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:43,720
Speaker 1: to decide when you're going to eat as a family.

475
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,520
Speaker 1: You're going to decide what you're going to eat as

476
00:25:45,560 --> 00:25:47,520
Speaker 1: a family. You're gonna side where you're going to eat

477
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,000
Speaker 1: as a family. Those three things are the things you

478
00:25:51,040 --> 00:25:53,639
Speaker 1: are in charge of, So don't make them in another

479
00:25:53,680 --> 00:25:55,640
Speaker 1: meal if he doesn't want it. Just make sure there's

480
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,200
Speaker 1: always at least one food that you know he generally likes.

481
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,080
Speaker 1: Now I realized one day he doesn't like it, one

482
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:03,960
Speaker 1: day he does. But macaroni cheese is generally a safe food,

483
00:26:04,040 --> 00:26:06,359
Speaker 1: So put that on the table. I think it's just

484
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,719
Speaker 1: hard because it's like I know he's hungry, Like we

485
00:26:08,800 --> 00:26:10,960
Speaker 1: know he's hungry, he's just refusing to eat it. Because

486
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,200
Speaker 1: if we give him something else, he downs it. Yeah,

487
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:16,280
Speaker 1: he's he's big into fruit. And my fear kind of

488
00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,879
Speaker 1: where you're talking about Jennifer, you're saying, you know, one

489
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,320
Speaker 1: of your boys fell off the growth chart, and that's

490
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,879
Speaker 1: where our son kind of is when it comes to

491
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:28,680
Speaker 1: like his height, right, Yeah, he's like so they're guessing

492
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 1: a five nine, So question, has he always been at

493
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:36,800
Speaker 1: that height? Yeah, he's always been little. So that's normal, right,

494
00:26:37,119 --> 00:26:41,200
Speaker 1: which is also totally normal. Um, So what we are

495
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:45,200
Speaker 1: most concerned about now he started at the and then

496
00:26:45,280 --> 00:26:48,600
Speaker 1: went to and then went to the That's when you

497
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:51,840
Speaker 1: have to be concerned. People come in all shapes and sizes.

498
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,879
Speaker 1: Being on percentile is great, and if he mostly maintains that,

499
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:59,640
Speaker 1: give or take, you know, fifteen percentiles or so, then

500
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,639
Speaker 1: he's fine and you would want to check in with

501
00:27:01,640 --> 00:27:03,760
Speaker 1: your pediatrician just to make sure he's growing. But if

502
00:27:03,800 --> 00:27:06,439
Speaker 1: he's like losing a lot of percentiles, then you have

503
00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:09,840
Speaker 1: to worry. Otherwise you don't have to be at the fiftie.

504
00:27:10,320 --> 00:27:13,639
Speaker 1: It's it's no problem. So if you know he likes fruit,

505
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,080
Speaker 1: you can always have fruited meal, and there may be

506
00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:19,080
Speaker 1: meals where he just fills up on fruit and that

507
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:24,159
Speaker 1: I'm try that's okay as a mom, Like I'm getting

508
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:26,320
Speaker 1: hives about it because it's like, no, he has to

509
00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:27,840
Speaker 1: be because I see your post and like, no, he

510
00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:29,840
Speaker 1: has to have his protein, he has to have this color,

511
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,560
Speaker 1: and then he has to have this color, and and

512
00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:33,840
Speaker 1: so I just I put so much pressure to make

513
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,800
Speaker 1: because I I just I want him to not just

514
00:27:36,880 --> 00:27:39,640
Speaker 1: eat fruit, but think about how much protein he needs.

515
00:27:39,680 --> 00:27:42,520
Speaker 1: He's eighteen months old. Let me, I you don't have

516
00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:48,399
Speaker 1: to tell me his weight, but let's say to seven. Okay,

517
00:27:48,440 --> 00:27:50,920
Speaker 1: so let's say you know, however much he weaves. They

518
00:27:50,920 --> 00:27:54,320
Speaker 1: need a very small amount of protein for their body.

519
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:59,120
Speaker 1: So my kids and probably him roughly needs about sixteen grams.

520
00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,400
Speaker 1: That's two glasses of milk. Oh wow, Okay, that makes

521
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:05,800
Speaker 1: me feel a little bit better because that's that's that's

522
00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,000
Speaker 1: where my concern has been. Is I just make up

523
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:13,040
Speaker 1: in my head that, Okay, he's theentile because he's hardly

524
00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:15,400
Speaker 1: eating the protein that compared to our daughter. And I'm

525
00:28:15,480 --> 00:28:17,760
Speaker 1: you know, that's unfair for me to compare two kids, right,

526
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,199
Speaker 1: but every parent I feel like kind of does that.

527
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:24,879
Speaker 1: I think you just are I think afraid your son

528
00:28:24,960 --> 00:28:26,840
Speaker 1: is going to be a little shorter. And by the way,

529
00:28:26,840 --> 00:28:28,719
Speaker 1: when I meant to say huge, my daughter, she's just

530
00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:32,280
Speaker 1: larger on the like her percentile is is larger than

531
00:28:32,359 --> 00:28:35,719
Speaker 1: from what Jace was. Um, I do have a question though,

532
00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:37,879
Speaker 1: regarding my daughter. So for the longest time, like she

533
00:28:38,600 --> 00:28:41,040
Speaker 1: she was having a problem, like eating all of our food.

534
00:28:41,080 --> 00:28:44,160
Speaker 1: So we said, let's do a happy plate. So if

535
00:28:44,200 --> 00:28:47,280
Speaker 1: you make a happy plate, then you get a candy. Well,

536
00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:49,960
Speaker 1: now she's at the age where she's wiping her plate.

537
00:28:50,040 --> 00:28:52,440
Speaker 1: And last I think I said this last night, right, baby,

538
00:28:52,720 --> 00:28:55,840
Speaker 1: I said, hey, we need to stop now giving her

539
00:28:55,880 --> 00:28:59,560
Speaker 1: candy because she knows she's making she makes a happy plate,

540
00:28:59,600 --> 00:29:02,880
Speaker 1: like we're hardless. And now I'm like, okay, we can't

541
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:06,160
Speaker 1: keep she can't keep having a dessert or a cookie

542
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 1: after the meal. But then in my mind, I'm like, well,

543
00:29:08,920 --> 00:29:10,640
Speaker 1: is that a bad thing? Or should I say, like, hey,

544
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,880
Speaker 1: do you want cut up watermelon or fruit? Instead? Like

545
00:29:14,000 --> 00:29:16,680
Speaker 1: is it bad to still reward her for cleaning her plate?

546
00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:21,000
Speaker 1: So what we know from rewarding is the more re

547
00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:26,400
Speaker 1: the more we reward, the more kids hold that food

548
00:29:26,640 --> 00:29:29,680
Speaker 1: in high regard. So when we say if you eat

549
00:29:29,680 --> 00:29:32,320
Speaker 1: your vegetables, you get a cookie. What we say is

550
00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,280
Speaker 1: vegetables are bad. What they hear vegetables are bad, Cookies

551
00:29:35,320 --> 00:29:38,400
Speaker 1: are good. And that just perpetuates on and on and on.

552
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:42,040
Speaker 1: And the more the longer we use that model, the

553
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:46,320
Speaker 1: more built up dessert yets and the more potentially obsessed

554
00:29:46,400 --> 00:29:48,920
Speaker 1: and you know, all this stuff about dessert, and the

555
00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:53,120
Speaker 1: less the research shows, the less intrinsic internal desire they

556
00:29:53,160 --> 00:29:55,400
Speaker 1: have for that food that we're trying to get them

557
00:29:55,440 --> 00:29:58,280
Speaker 1: to eat. So what I recommend to take dessert off

558
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:01,280
Speaker 1: the pedestal, make it a non on issue. It's fine

559
00:30:01,320 --> 00:30:04,480
Speaker 1: to include dessert if you want to. If your family

560
00:30:04,520 --> 00:30:07,120
Speaker 1: culture is to have dessert every night, that's perfectly fine.

561
00:30:07,560 --> 00:30:10,600
Speaker 1: If it's not, that's also perfectly fine. But let's say

562
00:30:10,920 --> 00:30:13,960
Speaker 1: you want to have dessert. The easiest way to get

563
00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:19,000
Speaker 1: kids eating their meals and also so um, not obsessing

564
00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:21,680
Speaker 1: about dessert is actually to serve dessert with the meal.

565
00:30:22,680 --> 00:30:24,680
Speaker 1: Now I know this sounds crazy. I see look on

566
00:30:24,760 --> 00:30:28,000
Speaker 1: your face. Is the little kid inside of me is like, yes,

567
00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:33,320
Speaker 1: wouldn't they eat that first? Yeah? Right? And that's okay,

568
00:30:33,680 --> 00:30:39,080
Speaker 1: Oh my god, I'm having so much anxiety. No, yeah,

569
00:30:39,200 --> 00:30:43,840
Speaker 1: I was raised after had a cookie before dinner. I

570
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,960
Speaker 1: mean now I have. Now I have because I'm an adult,

571
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:51,560
Speaker 1: Like whatever you want, Yeah, you should try it. Oh,

572
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:58,080
Speaker 1: I don't know, fascinating, I don't know. Now. One thing

573
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,240
Speaker 1: you want to think about is let's be practic. Goal.

574
00:31:00,280 --> 00:31:02,480
Speaker 1: We're parents, you know when our kids need do they

575
00:31:02,480 --> 00:31:04,960
Speaker 1: need to fill up on cookies? No? No, we don't

576
00:31:04,960 --> 00:31:07,000
Speaker 1: want them filling up on cookies. So we give kids

577
00:31:07,040 --> 00:31:09,800
Speaker 1: a child sized portion. Now, for an eighteen month old,

578
00:31:09,840 --> 00:31:12,760
Speaker 1: a child's aze portion could be one chocolate chip. I mean,

579
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:16,560
Speaker 1: my kids were into one chocolate chip through age three

580
00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,080
Speaker 1: because they just you know, that was just kind of

581
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:20,400
Speaker 1: how we grew up. I was like, let's start as

582
00:31:20,400 --> 00:31:24,000
Speaker 1: small as possible. So whatever it is. My my guess

583
00:31:24,120 --> 00:31:26,760
Speaker 1: is if Jason knows. Now Jason is a little young,

584
00:31:27,160 --> 00:31:30,080
Speaker 1: but if he already knows, because usually a second kids there,

585
00:31:30,160 --> 00:31:33,440
Speaker 1: they get the cookies like super early, right, um, but

586
00:31:34,200 --> 00:31:36,120
Speaker 1: you know, if they haven't had it, you could delay

587
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:38,760
Speaker 1: it as long as possible. But once they know about dessert,

588
00:31:38,880 --> 00:31:40,800
Speaker 1: if and if his sister is having dessert and he

589
00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:42,880
Speaker 1: really wants and on that, just make sure it's a

590
00:31:42,880 --> 00:31:46,120
Speaker 1: tiny child chin an amount that they could not fill

591
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,640
Speaker 1: up on. Now, there may be times where all they

592
00:31:49,720 --> 00:31:53,440
Speaker 1: eat is that item. Those times become so few because

593
00:31:53,480 --> 00:31:55,840
Speaker 1: they realized that they're hungry and you're not going to

594
00:31:55,920 --> 00:31:58,280
Speaker 1: give them a snack until the next schedule mealer snacks.

595
00:31:58,280 --> 00:32:00,560
Speaker 1: So I highly recommend having an eating teen where you

596
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:03,959
Speaker 1: have the meals and the snacks planned out. Even Jason

597
00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:06,840
Speaker 1: at eighteen months old, is going to be able to

598
00:32:06,920 --> 00:32:15,080
Speaker 1: understand um, kitchen closed or lights out, or snack after nap.

599
00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,120
Speaker 1: You know, you could turn these things into you know,

600
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:22,600
Speaker 1: three words sentences where you tell him no snack now,

601
00:32:23,120 --> 00:32:26,200
Speaker 1: snack after nap or or whatever it is. The reason

602
00:32:26,320 --> 00:32:28,160
Speaker 1: we want that is because we want them to come

603
00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:30,520
Speaker 1: into the table hungry. You already know he's hungry, so

604
00:32:30,600 --> 00:32:32,800
Speaker 1: it sounds like you have a good pace for your

605
00:32:32,800 --> 00:32:36,280
Speaker 1: meals and snacks. And if they choose to only eat

606
00:32:36,320 --> 00:32:38,840
Speaker 1: a part of a cookie, it's true they may that

607
00:32:38,960 --> 00:32:42,320
Speaker 1: one time be fussy until the next meal or snack,

608
00:32:42,480 --> 00:32:46,560
Speaker 1: but it will pay off once they understand the routine, like, Okay,

609
00:32:46,640 --> 00:32:48,560
Speaker 1: we're only going to have food at these times that

610
00:32:48,600 --> 00:32:52,000
Speaker 1: mom and Dad say, We're only going to eat what's available,

611
00:32:52,240 --> 00:32:55,800
Speaker 1: and what you're usually providing is at least one safe

612
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:59,320
Speaker 1: food and a variety of other foods, including protein and

613
00:32:59,360 --> 00:33:01,800
Speaker 1: these things, And you can think of it over the

614
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:03,920
Speaker 1: course of a day, like what did Jason eat over

615
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,400
Speaker 1: the course of the whole day? He only ate fruit

616
00:33:06,440 --> 00:33:09,440
Speaker 1: for breakfast, that's true, But because he ate four cups

617
00:33:09,440 --> 00:33:12,040
Speaker 1: of fruit for breakfast, you know, I don't really need

618
00:33:12,080 --> 00:33:14,320
Speaker 1: to serve fruit for the rest of the day. So

619
00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:19,480
Speaker 1: instead I served him milk and uh, you know, because

620
00:33:19,920 --> 00:33:22,440
Speaker 1: with cheanut butter on it, and then I served him,

621
00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:24,440
Speaker 1: you know, these other things over the course of the day.

622
00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:27,080
Speaker 1: So if you change or shift, you shift your mind

623
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,600
Speaker 1: to think what is he eating over the course of

624
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:31,600
Speaker 1: the day, what is he eating over the course of

625
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:34,760
Speaker 1: the week. Is he mostly hitting all the food groups

626
00:33:34,760 --> 00:33:37,600
Speaker 1: over time? Then I don't have anything to worry about.

627
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:39,920
Speaker 1: And I already know he's staying on his growth chart,

628
00:33:40,240 --> 00:33:42,960
Speaker 1: so it sounds like he's getting what he needs. And

629
00:33:43,000 --> 00:33:46,920
Speaker 1: what maybe what he most needs right now is for me.

630
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,840
Speaker 1: How much every calm down? Okay, Well, I feel so

631
00:33:53,920 --> 00:33:57,040
Speaker 1: much better, Jennifer. I cannot thank you enough. I feel

632
00:33:57,040 --> 00:33:59,280
Speaker 1: like maybe you feel better too, especially how last night's

633
00:33:59,280 --> 00:34:05,360
Speaker 1: dinner went. Um, Jennifer Anderson, please follow her on Instagram

634
00:34:05,400 --> 00:34:07,400
Speaker 1: if you've got a kid and you're struggling, or you

635
00:34:07,440 --> 00:34:09,400
Speaker 1: just want to have like I look at your page

636
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,440
Speaker 1: two just to see different meals because I kind of

637
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:14,279
Speaker 1: get bored of, you know, doing the same meals for

638
00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,640
Speaker 1: j So I've just I've really enjoyed following your page.

639
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:19,480
Speaker 1: It's kids eating color Um And just thank you so

640
00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:22,279
Speaker 1: much for for letting us um stock you and have

641
00:34:22,400 --> 00:34:25,240
Speaker 1: you on the show. We really appreciate absolutely than Jennifer.

642
00:34:25,360 --> 00:34:42,920
Speaker 1: Its wonderful Bye bye. Okay, so a lot of good

643
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,759
Speaker 1: tips from Jennifer. Do you feel a little bit better

644
00:34:44,760 --> 00:34:48,200
Speaker 1: now kind of with our plan of attack here? Yes,

645
00:34:48,640 --> 00:34:53,799
Speaker 1: but also because just doesn't go by the no, there's no.

646
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:59,000
Speaker 1: I mean I've offered every day something, so it's how

647
00:34:59,040 --> 00:35:01,760
Speaker 1: many days? Hey, look and we say this a lot.

648
00:35:01,880 --> 00:35:05,520
Speaker 1: Jason has been like the perfect baby exaptyone comes to

649
00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:07,600
Speaker 1: his eating. So if he was a great eater like

650
00:35:07,640 --> 00:35:11,359
Speaker 1: his sister was, he would have been like flawless. Like

651
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,799
Speaker 1: literally this is like the biggest peniast thing he does.

652
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:18,200
Speaker 1: That's very true. So moving on to our next segment,

653
00:35:19,080 --> 00:35:27,919
Speaker 1: what have we done wrong lately? Did you like that?

654
00:35:28,520 --> 00:35:31,160
Speaker 1: And that right there is how a new segment is

655
00:35:31,200 --> 00:35:36,600
Speaker 1: born What have we done wrong lately? What have we

656
00:35:36,719 --> 00:35:40,360
Speaker 1: done wrong lately? We need a jingle for that. I

657
00:35:40,360 --> 00:35:42,880
Speaker 1: feel like that's it, I know, but like a little

658
00:35:42,880 --> 00:35:45,360
Speaker 1: instrumental in the background like Easton will get him on.

659
00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:47,720
Speaker 1: So this is the game that we like to play

660
00:35:48,000 --> 00:35:53,440
Speaker 1: called what have we Done wrong Lately? You first start?

661
00:35:53,719 --> 00:35:57,960
Speaker 1: You started, You gotta get you gotta set the stage here, kids, Okay. Um,

662
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,440
Speaker 1: so the rules we say one thing that's been bothering us,

663
00:36:01,520 --> 00:36:07,080
Speaker 1: and we cannot be defensive back when uh we get

664
00:36:07,120 --> 00:36:10,640
Speaker 1: the thing. So you're you're saying what I've done wrong lately?

665
00:36:11,400 --> 00:36:15,520
Speaker 1: So we're not calling ourselves out. That's boring. That was

666
00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:18,520
Speaker 1: totally where I was going with this. Remember our game,

667
00:36:18,560 --> 00:36:21,360
Speaker 1: how we say one thing that's bothering? Like how so

668
00:36:21,440 --> 00:36:25,719
Speaker 1: we don't like whole things, but we can do Let's

669
00:36:25,719 --> 00:36:32,640
Speaker 1: look in the mirror now, alright? What have I done

670
00:36:32,680 --> 00:36:37,040
Speaker 1: wrong lately? Um? No, remember, but that was the game

671
00:36:37,080 --> 00:36:40,279
Speaker 1: that we did. I let's pick on my game. That's

672
00:36:40,280 --> 00:36:42,440
Speaker 1: not that's to do it to me too. Just why

673
00:36:42,440 --> 00:36:46,920
Speaker 1: I said you go first? Um. When I wake up

674
00:36:46,920 --> 00:36:51,160
Speaker 1: in the morning every morning, when I wake as a

675
00:36:51,280 --> 00:36:55,959
Speaker 1: hello hanging from my girlfriend Philipos Bad and that song

676
00:36:56,640 --> 00:37:02,920
Speaker 1: John Mellencamp. I don't know sugar every um no, but

677
00:37:03,280 --> 00:37:06,239
Speaker 1: every morning when I wake up, there's a plate with

678
00:37:06,280 --> 00:37:10,440
Speaker 1: a bowl and catchup that's so disgusting. You eat your

679
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:14,160
Speaker 1: chicken nuggets at one am and you leave the bowl

680
00:37:14,200 --> 00:37:18,120
Speaker 1: of ketchup awful in the thing, and it looks so

681
00:37:18,320 --> 00:37:26,680
Speaker 1: gross that we have to sing ours. It's gross and

682
00:37:26,719 --> 00:37:29,040
Speaker 1: it stinks like ketchup when I wake up in the morning.

683
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,920
Speaker 1: It stinks like at chip when I wake up in

684
00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:36,160
Speaker 1: the morning. Yeah. Um. And by the way, I meant

685
00:37:36,160 --> 00:37:38,640
Speaker 1: to get pitchy at the end of the last round,

686
00:37:38,680 --> 00:37:43,200
Speaker 1: so I'm in to go tone deaf. Um. So yeah,

687
00:37:43,360 --> 00:37:46,040
Speaker 1: that's one thing. So if we could just kindly maybe

688
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:48,480
Speaker 1: I know it's one o'clock in the morning, wherever you

689
00:37:48,600 --> 00:37:51,759
Speaker 1: go eat your chicken nuggets with the ketchup bowl, if

690
00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,719
Speaker 1: you could just kindly put it in the dishwasher, or

691
00:37:53,719 --> 00:37:56,040
Speaker 1: at least if the dishwasher is running, if you could

692
00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:59,560
Speaker 1: just wash out the catchup bowl and not because like

693
00:37:59,760 --> 00:38:02,080
Speaker 1: you've put water in it, but then there's water overflowing

694
00:38:02,080 --> 00:38:03,520
Speaker 1: and they'll just catch up all on the sink the

695
00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:11,920
Speaker 1: next morning. And I'm like, good morning catch up. So okay, alright,

696
00:38:11,960 --> 00:38:16,000
Speaker 1: so leave it on your nightstand, got it perfect? Done

697
00:38:16,440 --> 00:38:24,840
Speaker 1: your turn? What have you done wrong lately? Um? So,

698
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:32,600
Speaker 1: this has happened last night and it's something. It's the

699
00:38:33,200 --> 00:38:38,560
Speaker 1: circumstances are different, but it's you'd like to reiterate. So

700
00:38:39,160 --> 00:38:43,040
Speaker 1: like last night you were podcasting on our buddy Nick

701
00:38:43,440 --> 00:38:49,680
Speaker 1: Knicks podcast, you know, realtor podcast, and I come in

702
00:38:49,719 --> 00:38:51,840
Speaker 1: the office. I was about to take a shower. We

703
00:38:51,880 --> 00:38:54,160
Speaker 1: had discussed earlier in the day that or earlier that

704
00:38:54,239 --> 00:38:56,040
Speaker 1: evening that we're gonna hang out when you're done and

705
00:38:56,040 --> 00:38:59,239
Speaker 1: we're gonna watch a movie and whatever. I'm about to

706
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,480
Speaker 1: go shower. You're like, okay, when you're done showering, can

707
00:39:01,560 --> 00:39:04,640
Speaker 1: like you can we watch a movie? And you're like

708
00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:11,120
Speaker 1: reiterating something we already talked about. I'm like, yeah, yeah,

709
00:39:11,239 --> 00:39:12,919
Speaker 1: and I go shot and I go walk to show.

710
00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:15,560
Speaker 1: I'm like, why does she have to feel like she

711
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:18,480
Speaker 1: has to reiterate what we already discussed? And it just

712
00:39:18,600 --> 00:39:21,920
Speaker 1: I don't know why, but it just like it bothers me. Okay,

713
00:39:22,280 --> 00:39:26,279
Speaker 1: eats it all right? Good to know. I don't know

714
00:39:26,320 --> 00:39:29,040
Speaker 1: why either, but good to know. Do you think it's

715
00:39:29,040 --> 00:39:33,480
Speaker 1: like you're worried that I'm going to bail maybe like

716
00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:37,520
Speaker 1: or maybe it's just I don't because I'm so I'm

717
00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,960
Speaker 1: such a planner, like okay, and then this is this

718
00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:41,719
Speaker 1: and we check this off and then after that we

719
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:43,400
Speaker 1: do this. So I just like to I do. I

720
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,759
Speaker 1: like to reiterate a lot of things. Even when we

721
00:39:45,800 --> 00:39:51,120
Speaker 1: have arguments, I reiterate yea or just anything like okay,

722
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:53,800
Speaker 1: so after a grocery store, you're going to go there?

723
00:39:54,080 --> 00:39:56,160
Speaker 1: Or yeah. So I do do that a lot. I'm sorry,

724
00:39:56,239 --> 00:40:00,640
Speaker 1: I'll be more mindful of that. Thank you. You're all them. Well,

725
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:03,400
Speaker 1: and that was our first segment of what we've done

726
00:40:03,440 --> 00:40:09,200
Speaker 1: wrong lately. Um, but since you wanted to look inside,

727
00:40:10,239 --> 00:40:13,640
Speaker 1: let's look in the mirror. Now I'm gonna look in

728
00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,080
Speaker 1: the mirror and I'm gonna say what can I work on?

729
00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:23,320
Speaker 1: And oh god, what did I even start? Um, I've

730
00:40:23,760 --> 00:40:29,680
Speaker 1: found myself getting a little Why don't you tell me

731
00:40:29,719 --> 00:40:34,160
Speaker 1: what I'm doing wrong? That's what? Just just kidding now, UM,

732
00:40:34,320 --> 00:40:37,600
Speaker 1: I have found myself being a little just annoyed lately,

733
00:40:39,239 --> 00:40:43,000
Speaker 1: just just a little because I don't know, I think

734
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:45,080
Speaker 1: I'm just ready to change scenery. So I just found

735
00:40:45,080 --> 00:40:50,040
Speaker 1: myself getting a little agitated, and so I maybe just

736
00:40:50,040 --> 00:40:55,440
Speaker 1: have to watch how we speak when agitated. What about you.

737
00:40:58,800 --> 00:41:06,760
Speaker 1: Mike's like, I'm perfect. His face is like I'm good lately.

738
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:16,520
Speaker 1: I have been bad. Lately, I've been more patient. Um,

739
00:41:16,560 --> 00:41:21,120
Speaker 1: just making sure I'm as real time with things as possible. Yes, yeah,

740
00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:25,720
Speaker 1: I think that's the biggest thing. It's just like whether

741
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:27,560
Speaker 1: I see something needs to be brought to your attention

742
00:41:27,640 --> 00:41:32,480
Speaker 1: just for clarification, whether it's whatever, it is, just real time,

743
00:41:34,000 --> 00:41:37,680
Speaker 1: so so you're aware and nothing feels like it's a

744
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:42,839
Speaker 1: secret or dishonest or it just helps everybody out. Yeah,

745
00:41:42,880 --> 00:41:46,400
Speaker 1: for sure. I like it cool. Well, like the new segment,

746
00:41:48,520 --> 00:41:52,480
Speaker 1: we'll see if it's sticks, just like our One Tree Hill,

747
00:41:52,480 --> 00:41:54,840
Speaker 1: see if that one sticks. Hey, So I'm on the

748
00:41:54,880 --> 00:41:59,360
Speaker 1: wind Down podcast right now. Um, Stephanie has written me

749
00:41:59,400 --> 00:42:02,400
Speaker 1: a few email else and I kind of wanted to

750
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:07,280
Speaker 1: talk this one out. Um, she's a one Tree Hiller.

751
00:42:08,480 --> 00:42:11,759
Speaker 1: She says she appreciates, Um, you and I sharing our

752
00:42:11,840 --> 00:42:14,760
Speaker 1: story as it has brought some normalcy to her own life.

753
00:42:15,680 --> 00:42:17,279
Speaker 1: She goes into say, my husband and I have been

754
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:19,760
Speaker 1: dating or I'm sorry, I have been together for twelve years.

755
00:42:19,760 --> 00:42:23,200
Speaker 1: Eleven years dating and one year married. About eight years ago,

756
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:25,160
Speaker 1: we went through some infidelity. I found out he had

757
00:42:25,160 --> 00:42:26,919
Speaker 1: been cheating on me for about a year. It took

758
00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:28,839
Speaker 1: a whole lot of re building and counseling to get

759
00:42:28,840 --> 00:42:32,520
Speaker 1: back to a good place. About four years ago, after

760
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:34,960
Speaker 1: a big fight, he attempted to cheat again. We again

761
00:42:35,040 --> 00:42:37,200
Speaker 1: were able to rebuild and work through it. We got

762
00:42:37,680 --> 00:42:40,719
Speaker 1: um engaged about two years ago and married a year ago.

763
00:42:41,520 --> 00:42:44,080
Speaker 1: There are still times he will get extremely upset with

764
00:42:44,120 --> 00:42:46,040
Speaker 1: me if I see his phone or ask who he

765
00:42:46,120 --> 00:42:48,919
Speaker 1: is texting. I do trust him, but there are times

766
00:42:48,960 --> 00:42:51,279
Speaker 1: that my brain goes to that place, even if it

767
00:42:51,320 --> 00:42:53,400
Speaker 1: was that long ago. It's starting to really wear on

768
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,160
Speaker 1: a relationship, and I honestly don't know what to do.

769
00:42:55,239 --> 00:42:58,880
Speaker 1: Any advice would be really appreciated. So it seems like

770
00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:01,120
Speaker 1: what he said, he gets up set. There are times

771
00:43:01,120 --> 00:43:03,720
Speaker 1: he still gets extremely upset with me if I see

772
00:43:04,520 --> 00:43:07,520
Speaker 1: his phone or ask who he's texting. Can I start

773
00:43:07,520 --> 00:43:15,920
Speaker 1: this one, please? So two sides to his reaction, okay, um,

774
00:43:15,960 --> 00:43:22,719
Speaker 1: both both of which fall under the category of defensiveness. Uh.

775
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:31,080
Speaker 1: But two things I've been defensive A either because you

776
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:36,400
Speaker 1: know I'm hiding something or sometimes I'm even more defensive

777
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:41,600
Speaker 1: when I know that I'm not when I'm actually being

778
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:49,080
Speaker 1: honest and not doing anything inappropriate or wrong. Sometimes is

779
00:43:49,120 --> 00:43:54,520
Speaker 1: added justification to defend my stance. So that being said,

780
00:43:55,440 --> 00:43:59,960
Speaker 1: that could possibly be a reason why he's getting so frustrated.

781
00:44:00,040 --> 00:44:03,120
Speaker 1: It's because he's like, I'm actually not doing anything, like

782
00:44:03,160 --> 00:44:04,799
Speaker 1: why do need to do that? Why do you need

783
00:44:04,800 --> 00:44:08,240
Speaker 1: to stick on my phone? Why do you whatever? Also,

784
00:44:09,480 --> 00:44:14,279
Speaker 1: just the way my personality is from my experience, the

785
00:44:14,320 --> 00:44:18,880
Speaker 1: way you deliver to ask to see his phone, or

786
00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:21,320
Speaker 1: I don't know if you're doing it without him knowing

787
00:44:22,480 --> 00:44:27,520
Speaker 1: at all. If Janna came to me even now and said, hey,

788
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:31,000
Speaker 1: you know, I'm feeling just triggered on some things. You

789
00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:32,520
Speaker 1: can I look at your phone? Are you cool? If

790
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:37,759
Speaker 1: I go through your phone? Any chance of defensiveness, if

791
00:44:37,800 --> 00:44:41,040
Speaker 1: there's nothing to worry about, and I know that there's

792
00:44:41,080 --> 00:44:44,239
Speaker 1: nothing to worry about, any chance for me to being

793
00:44:44,280 --> 00:44:46,560
Speaker 1: defensive goes out the window. If she asks like that.

794
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:50,320
Speaker 1: Now she asked like that, and I would still get defensive,

795
00:44:51,000 --> 00:44:56,279
Speaker 1: that's a red flag. So use that, not as I'm

796
00:44:56,320 --> 00:44:59,839
Speaker 1: not trying to have you manipulate this situation, but use

797
00:44:59,880 --> 00:45:04,480
Speaker 1: that as some sort of strategy because it can bring

798
00:45:04,520 --> 00:45:08,840
Speaker 1: down his guard of defensiveness and kind of see gauge

799
00:45:08,920 --> 00:45:11,480
Speaker 1: kind of where he's at with with things going on internally,

800
00:45:12,520 --> 00:45:16,239
Speaker 1: for sure, Yeah, because that's if he's still defensive even

801
00:45:16,239 --> 00:45:20,360
Speaker 1: when she's vulnerable. That But I feel like I will say,

802
00:45:22,600 --> 00:45:24,480
Speaker 1: I don't know if it was always easy for you

803
00:45:24,520 --> 00:45:26,920
Speaker 1: to even when I did say I want to, can

804
00:45:26,960 --> 00:45:30,359
Speaker 1: I see your phone? Like? It's still not. I don't

805
00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:34,640
Speaker 1: think it's easy for guys to to give it up

806
00:45:34,680 --> 00:45:37,600
Speaker 1: so easily. I think in the beginning that was you

807
00:45:37,680 --> 00:45:41,440
Speaker 1: do it amazing, now amazing. But I think in the beginning,

808
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:44,719
Speaker 1: I don't. It's still hard. Yeah, it's still hard. Can

809
00:45:44,760 --> 00:45:46,560
Speaker 1: I just ask why? Though? Just like so maybe she

810
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:48,799
Speaker 1: can understand, like if he is defensive, because my fear

811
00:45:48,840 --> 00:45:50,000
Speaker 1: is that he's not going to be in a place

812
00:45:50,160 --> 00:45:52,839
Speaker 1: you are now and he'll be defensive and then she's

813
00:45:52,880 --> 00:45:55,600
Speaker 1: gonna think she's cheating, So like, I just want to

814
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:59,799
Speaker 1: like soften the blow. It's still guys. I think all

815
00:46:00,040 --> 00:46:07,759
Speaker 1: then have a degree of problem with feeling controlled, being parented,

816
00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:12,080
Speaker 1: having someone oversee what they're doing, or anything like that,

817
00:46:13,160 --> 00:46:15,840
Speaker 1: regardless of childhood wounds or no childhood wounds. I just

818
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:19,760
Speaker 1: feel like majority of men have that kind of struggle.

819
00:46:20,880 --> 00:46:25,520
Speaker 1: So with you know, even if you ask innocently, it's

820
00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:31,600
Speaker 1: so definitely possible two for someone to be defensive because

821
00:46:31,719 --> 00:46:33,840
Speaker 1: you think you under why like why would you possibly

822
00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:35,839
Speaker 1: need to see my phone? Well, I mean you could

823
00:46:35,880 --> 00:46:38,480
Speaker 1: have easily gotten upset with me. And I felt I

824
00:46:38,520 --> 00:46:42,360
Speaker 1: heard a little bit of it on the phone today

825
00:46:43,480 --> 00:46:48,960
Speaker 1: when I called you when you were at the store. Um,

826
00:46:49,120 --> 00:46:52,279
Speaker 1: like I I heard in your voice, like what I

827
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:55,839
Speaker 1: heard you say was like in your little like head

828
00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:58,600
Speaker 1: was I'm at the wine store buying new wine, like

829
00:46:59,440 --> 00:47:02,520
Speaker 1: in your triggered like because it's like and I heard

830
00:47:02,560 --> 00:47:05,920
Speaker 1: that monologue even though you weren't saying it, but you know,

831
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:11,759
Speaker 1: because well, I mean I'll just what can I share? Like, um,

832
00:47:11,800 --> 00:47:15,239
Speaker 1: because an incident had happened in the car. Sometimes I

833
00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:19,160
Speaker 1: do get triggered if I look at the app or

834
00:47:19,160 --> 00:47:20,640
Speaker 1: whatever and I'm like, man, he's been at the grocery

835
00:47:20,640 --> 00:47:24,759
Speaker 1: store a long time, and I get a little triggered sometimes.

836
00:47:25,239 --> 00:47:30,200
Speaker 1: And today was one of those moments because you we

837
00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:31,799
Speaker 1: talked on the phone and you're like, oh yeah, yeah,

838
00:47:31,800 --> 00:47:33,600
Speaker 1: I'll run in back real fast because it's it was

839
00:47:33,719 --> 00:47:35,520
Speaker 1: a girlfriend's birthday, and I was like, I kind of

840
00:47:35,520 --> 00:47:37,880
Speaker 1: wanted to drop off flowers at the front door. So

841
00:47:37,920 --> 00:47:39,320
Speaker 1: I was like, hey, babe, do you mind just running

842
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:41,400
Speaker 1: in real fast? He's like yeah, absolutely, Like I'm I

843
00:47:41,480 --> 00:47:43,200
Speaker 1: just put the bags in the car and I'll know,

844
00:47:43,440 --> 00:47:45,960
Speaker 1: I'll get it and i'll be back. Well, you know,

845
00:47:46,200 --> 00:47:50,000
Speaker 1: about thirty ish minutes later, I look and he's still there,

846
00:47:50,080 --> 00:47:53,640
Speaker 1: and so I just felt this wave of just a

847
00:47:53,640 --> 00:47:55,520
Speaker 1: little trigger and I'm like, you know what, and said,

848
00:47:55,520 --> 00:47:58,239
Speaker 1: I'm just going to call him because I can call him,

849
00:47:58,320 --> 00:48:01,160
Speaker 1: you know, and I'm just gonna say hey, like everything good,

850
00:48:01,840 --> 00:48:05,359
Speaker 1: you know. And I was like hey, babe, like where

851
00:48:05,360 --> 00:48:07,840
Speaker 1: are you out And You're like, oh, hey, I'm in

852
00:48:07,880 --> 00:48:09,600
Speaker 1: the wine store. And I was like, oh, okay, I

853
00:48:09,920 --> 00:48:11,799
Speaker 1: just I saw that you were still there and and

854
00:48:12,080 --> 00:48:13,640
Speaker 1: I just I got a little trigger and you go

855
00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:17,720
Speaker 1: and you were kind of like okay, And at that moment,

856
00:48:17,719 --> 00:48:20,480
Speaker 1: I was like I heard you'd be like god, i

857
00:48:20,480 --> 00:48:22,560
Speaker 1: I'm not even I'm not doing it. I'm doing something

858
00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:26,200
Speaker 1: for you, and you're still triggered, but like maybe you

859
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:29,000
Speaker 1: can maybe understand no I do, I'm sorry you received

860
00:48:29,040 --> 00:48:34,320
Speaker 1: my okay that way. What's interesting is during that conversation, yeah,

861
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,000
Speaker 1: my okay was probably because I was thinking in my head,

862
00:48:37,000 --> 00:48:39,839
Speaker 1: I was like, okay, wh actually get triggered. And then

863
00:48:40,280 --> 00:48:42,759
Speaker 1: you even said, well we're on the phone. You said

864
00:48:42,800 --> 00:48:46,520
Speaker 1: you're running, you know, right back in the flower And

865
00:48:46,520 --> 00:48:48,759
Speaker 1: when you're saying that, in my head, I'm like, oh, yeah,

866
00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:51,120
Speaker 1: this this makes complete sense. Like I said, I was

867
00:48:51,120 --> 00:48:52,600
Speaker 1: just going to run in and grab these flowers and

868
00:48:53,000 --> 00:48:55,239
Speaker 1: I'll be on my way back. Then I saw it

869
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:57,600
Speaker 1: right next door that the wine store had opened, so

870
00:48:57,640 --> 00:48:59,360
Speaker 1: I was like, oh, you know, you're getting thin on

871
00:48:59,400 --> 00:49:04,600
Speaker 1: your wine wall. So sympathy mama. So I totally understood.

872
00:49:04,840 --> 00:49:07,920
Speaker 1: But it's just it's sad though that I even like

873
00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:10,640
Speaker 1: I felt bad, that I even had to like I

874
00:49:10,680 --> 00:49:13,479
Speaker 1: felt bad for you, Like I felt bad. I was like, man,

875
00:49:13,520 --> 00:49:14,799
Speaker 1: like he was doing something, he was trying to do

876
00:49:14,840 --> 00:49:16,520
Speaker 1: something nice for me and I had to call and

877
00:49:16,760 --> 00:49:19,080
Speaker 1: I wasn't I wasn't mean or anything. I was just like, hey, like,

878
00:49:19,200 --> 00:49:21,600
Speaker 1: what are you doing? Like just had a little bit

879
00:49:21,600 --> 00:49:24,160
Speaker 1: of a trigger. But I think that's just to say

880
00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:26,640
Speaker 1: and just like with Stephanie, it's I want you to

881
00:49:26,680 --> 00:49:29,920
Speaker 1: know that it's normal to feel triggers kind of out

882
00:49:29,960 --> 00:49:31,680
Speaker 1: of the blue and have and want to kind of

883
00:49:31,680 --> 00:49:34,279
Speaker 1: have that check in when you might get triggered and

884
00:49:34,280 --> 00:49:36,560
Speaker 1: I think you're holding it in, can then make it

885
00:49:36,600 --> 00:49:39,960
Speaker 1: go sideways, because I could have maybe held that trigger

886
00:49:40,000 --> 00:49:42,440
Speaker 1: in and then been passive aggressive bitch to you when

887
00:49:42,440 --> 00:49:44,040
Speaker 1: you got home and been like, well that took long,

888
00:49:44,200 --> 00:49:47,000
Speaker 1: or like what were you really doing? That would have

889
00:49:47,040 --> 00:49:49,960
Speaker 1: been like maybe five years ago, but yeah, but that

890
00:49:50,040 --> 00:49:52,279
Speaker 1: was that was what I would do again, like five

891
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:55,040
Speaker 1: years ago. But now it's like, hey, like that was

892
00:49:55,080 --> 00:49:56,799
Speaker 1: just kind of I got a little trigger and like

893
00:49:56,840 --> 00:49:59,680
Speaker 1: and just like mentioned like saying it and speaking it

894
00:50:00,200 --> 00:50:04,279
Speaker 1: and then you're reassuring and not being defensive makes those

895
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:08,040
Speaker 1: moments lesson each time. So like the less Stephanie your

896
00:50:08,080 --> 00:50:12,680
Speaker 1: husband's defensive, the less you the less you get triggered.

897
00:50:12,760 --> 00:50:16,680
Speaker 1: And also the more you feel reassured in those moments

898
00:50:17,239 --> 00:50:19,839
Speaker 1: because I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, like I

899
00:50:19,880 --> 00:50:22,560
Speaker 1: just okay, thanks, like you know, and then it was

900
00:50:22,600 --> 00:50:26,200
Speaker 1: like over um. But it's it's kind of crazy to

901
00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:28,120
Speaker 1: think about two and not to keep going on this.

902
00:50:28,200 --> 00:50:31,040
Speaker 1: But like when we have that Jason guy, that that

903
00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:34,359
Speaker 1: book that you read to the author and we kind

904
00:50:34,360 --> 00:50:36,960
Speaker 1: of asked, like when when will the triggers go away?

905
00:50:37,520 --> 00:50:41,960
Speaker 1: And he's like, never, like the lesson, but they'll like

906
00:50:42,040 --> 00:50:45,239
Speaker 1: they'll always still kind of be there, right for both

907
00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:48,200
Speaker 1: of us, Right, I mean you still you still have

908
00:50:48,239 --> 00:50:53,359
Speaker 1: your own triggers with you know, certain things too. Yeah,

909
00:50:53,560 --> 00:50:56,600
Speaker 1: I mean everyone and everyone varies, but yeah, for sure.

910
00:50:56,680 --> 00:51:02,759
Speaker 1: And you know, I think, all right, like this, take

911
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:05,640
Speaker 1: this for example, I have some friends that if they

912
00:51:05,640 --> 00:51:09,080
Speaker 1: went out tonight and say, I mean, we're kind of

913
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:11,200
Speaker 1: past age of really getting drunk and all that, but

914
00:51:12,200 --> 00:51:14,880
Speaker 1: say they go out and get drunk and you know,

915
00:51:15,120 --> 00:51:17,319
Speaker 1: their phone dies and they don't talk to their wife

916
00:51:17,360 --> 00:51:20,880
Speaker 1: until the next morning. Yeah, no one loves that. But

917
00:51:21,000 --> 00:51:23,279
Speaker 1: I have plenty of friends and couple of ships that

918
00:51:23,800 --> 00:51:25,640
Speaker 1: they'd like, they'd like laugh at each other, but like

919
00:51:25,680 --> 00:51:28,800
Speaker 1: you idiot, you know what I mean, Like it just

920
00:51:28,840 --> 00:51:33,360
Speaker 1: wouldn't be a big deal. Could we ever do that? No,

921
00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:39,279
Speaker 1: you know what I mean. So it's that that kind

922
00:51:39,280 --> 00:51:43,239
Speaker 1: of benefit the doubt if something like this happens does

923
00:51:43,320 --> 00:51:48,600
Speaker 1: grow out the window to a certain degree, I mean yeah,

924
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:50,759
Speaker 1: I mean, which nobody should be in a situation where

925
00:51:50,760 --> 00:51:54,480
Speaker 1: it's like necessarily okay, if that happens but if it happens,

926
00:51:54,520 --> 00:51:57,360
Speaker 1: there are some couple of ships that they laugh about it,

927
00:51:57,400 --> 00:51:59,400
Speaker 1: and then there's others like ours, where it's like that,

928
00:51:59,440 --> 00:52:03,759
Speaker 1: ain't that ain't happening. So it's just you know, it's

929
00:52:03,760 --> 00:52:07,439
Speaker 1: a spectrum. But again, if you read and pre order

930
00:52:07,600 --> 00:52:10,440
Speaker 1: The Good Fight, we talk about different kinds of boundaries

931
00:52:10,600 --> 00:52:15,120
Speaker 1: and ways to deal with triggers, and um, yeah, so

932
00:52:15,160 --> 00:52:18,319
Speaker 1: not to like if I'm just saying like we you know,

933
00:52:18,360 --> 00:52:21,040
Speaker 1: we've worked on so many different ways to like kind

934
00:52:21,040 --> 00:52:24,319
Speaker 1: of express that and deal with certain triggers that might come.

935
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:28,440
Speaker 1: So for sure, pick up your copy. Okay, let's do

936
00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:33,440
Speaker 1: one more email and then um, it's time to say goodbye.

937
00:52:35,160 --> 00:52:39,359
Speaker 1: Um anonymous, still still yearning to become a mom? How

938
00:52:39,400 --> 00:52:43,160
Speaker 1: do I forgive myself? Okay? Um, I'm forty five years old,

939
00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:46,479
Speaker 1: have been with my husband since two thousand six. During

940
00:52:46,480 --> 00:52:48,960
Speaker 1: his previous marriage, we had a vasectomy, or during his

941
00:52:49,040 --> 00:52:51,839
Speaker 1: previous marriage, he had a vasectomy. At thirty nine years old,

942
00:52:51,840 --> 00:52:54,319
Speaker 1: we decided to go through infertility as my clock had

943
00:52:54,360 --> 00:52:57,800
Speaker 1: already ticked beyond the scary point. We got pregnant very easily,

944
00:52:57,840 --> 00:52:59,920
Speaker 1: but at our twelve week check up, my will be

945
00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:02,520
Speaker 1: g y n saw a concerning sign with our ultrasound.

946
00:53:03,239 --> 00:53:06,200
Speaker 1: The gray area at the base of the skull most

947
00:53:06,239 --> 00:53:09,280
Speaker 1: likely meant Down syndrome. Being raised Catholic, I was blessed

948
00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:11,680
Speaker 1: that God shows us to raise the special child. My

949
00:53:11,760 --> 00:53:13,960
Speaker 1: husband did not feel the same. He stopped touching my

950
00:53:14,000 --> 00:53:18,720
Speaker 1: belly and it put a strain on our relationship. After

951
00:53:18,760 --> 00:53:20,960
Speaker 1: speaking with a therapist and hearing the thoughts of our

952
00:53:21,000 --> 00:53:23,600
Speaker 1: family and friends, I could see and understand his fear.

953
00:53:23,920 --> 00:53:27,120
Speaker 1: Still today, I regret the decision to terminate our pregnancy.

954
00:53:27,280 --> 00:53:29,560
Speaker 1: It has been almost six years since we said goodbye

955
00:53:29,560 --> 00:53:32,160
Speaker 1: to our angel, and I can't forgive myself for this decision.

956
00:53:33,239 --> 00:53:44,600
Speaker 1: How do I get through this and forgive myself? That's tough.

957
00:53:46,600 --> 00:53:50,759
Speaker 1: That makes me like teary eyed. You know, this is

958
00:53:50,800 --> 00:53:55,320
Speaker 1: one of the situations because anyone who goes through having children,

959
00:53:57,160 --> 00:54:02,640
Speaker 1: you you have this discussion a little bit, you know,

960
00:54:03,160 --> 00:54:08,759
Speaker 1: And that's why anyone who has had a child is

961
00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:15,200
Speaker 1: having a child. Understand why when people ask do you

962
00:54:15,239 --> 00:54:17,360
Speaker 1: want to borrow a girl? And when it gets close,

963
00:54:19,200 --> 00:54:23,120
Speaker 1: people say, I just pray that they're healthy. I'm not

964
00:54:23,200 --> 00:54:25,520
Speaker 1: saying that children with Down syndroom aren't healthy. I'm just

965
00:54:25,560 --> 00:54:29,640
Speaker 1: saying complications, any kind of health complications, any kind of complication.

966
00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:35,040
Speaker 1: Everyone just wants their child to be healthy. And you

967
00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:39,520
Speaker 1: know they run tests for these kind of things. Um,

968
00:54:39,640 --> 00:54:43,600
Speaker 1: that's why they do what they do. And it's one

969
00:54:43,600 --> 00:54:51,520
Speaker 1: of those situations that I don't know how to answer

970
00:54:51,640 --> 00:54:55,040
Speaker 1: to an extent, because nobody knows. Just like a lot

971
00:54:55,040 --> 00:54:57,680
Speaker 1: of things, nobody knows what they're gonna do until they're

972
00:54:57,719 --> 00:55:05,240
Speaker 1: in that situation. I know plenty of people with child

973
00:55:05,280 --> 00:55:11,160
Speaker 1: with special needs of some sort, and they couldn't be happier,

974
00:55:11,200 --> 00:55:17,800
Speaker 1: couldn't imagine their life without them. And but I will say,

975
00:55:19,719 --> 00:55:22,120
Speaker 1: you know, that's after the fact, after the child's born,

976
00:55:22,160 --> 00:55:25,600
Speaker 1: there in their life. Now, how did they feel when

977
00:55:25,600 --> 00:55:30,000
Speaker 1: they found out? How did they feel when they first

978
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:38,239
Speaker 1: saw their child? You know, were they that happy in

979
00:55:38,280 --> 00:55:43,520
Speaker 1: that moment? Some may maybe some may have honestly not been,

980
00:55:44,640 --> 00:55:49,439
Speaker 1: because that is a life long commitment, just like having

981
00:55:49,480 --> 00:55:52,920
Speaker 1: any child. But they are in your care for the

982
00:55:52,960 --> 00:56:02,560
Speaker 1: rest of your life mostly so, M this is hard.

983
00:56:05,400 --> 00:56:08,920
Speaker 1: I think what hurts too is like that she hates

984
00:56:08,920 --> 00:56:11,359
Speaker 1: herself for the decision that she made. And I just

985
00:56:12,800 --> 00:56:18,560
Speaker 1: the decision was made and now you have, you know,

986
00:56:18,640 --> 00:56:22,080
Speaker 1: your life to still live and you. What I just

987
00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:24,560
Speaker 1: would hate for you is to continue to hate yourself

988
00:56:24,600 --> 00:56:27,440
Speaker 1: for a decision that you chose, whether it was right

989
00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:35,960
Speaker 1: or wrong. That's your um, Like you have to you

990
00:56:36,000 --> 00:56:38,680
Speaker 1: have to now move on in a sense where it's

991
00:56:39,000 --> 00:56:42,040
Speaker 1: hating yourself is not going to make any any of

992
00:56:42,040 --> 00:56:46,160
Speaker 1: the situation better, Like it's do you know what I'm

993
00:56:46,160 --> 00:56:51,959
Speaker 1: trying to say, Like it's um, there's not anything now

994
00:56:52,000 --> 00:56:58,520
Speaker 1: that can be done now, but hating yourself is. I

995
00:56:58,560 --> 00:57:03,239
Speaker 1: think you should definitely talk to someone. Yeah, which just

996
00:57:03,280 --> 00:57:07,520
Speaker 1: says she's you know, spoken to a therapist. But I

997
00:57:07,560 --> 00:57:10,719
Speaker 1: would too, because I mean it doesn't say anything about

998
00:57:10,719 --> 00:57:14,680
Speaker 1: your and your husband not being together still, So I

999
00:57:14,680 --> 00:57:17,240
Speaker 1: would probably have if it was me, Like and then

1000
00:57:17,400 --> 00:57:21,240
Speaker 1: maybe this sounds really bad, but like I would resent

1001
00:57:21,280 --> 00:57:27,000
Speaker 1: my husband, Like if you said that to me, like

1002
00:57:27,240 --> 00:57:33,120
Speaker 1: I would resent, I would resent you. I would like

1003
00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:35,600
Speaker 1: I don't I'm not asked, I'm not. I don't want

1004
00:57:35,600 --> 00:57:39,040
Speaker 1: you to, you know, the woman who wrote this, Like

1005
00:57:39,080 --> 00:57:42,840
Speaker 1: I I think that's wrong too, But I think part

1006
00:57:42,880 --> 00:57:47,200
Speaker 1: of me would resent you that you didn't love our

1007
00:57:47,240 --> 00:57:50,720
Speaker 1: baby no matter what. That would be hard for me.

1008
00:57:51,120 --> 00:57:53,720
Speaker 1: And then that that decision was made because of your

1009
00:57:53,920 --> 00:57:58,600
Speaker 1: distaste for it. I guess mm hmm, that would be

1010
00:57:59,520 --> 00:58:02,720
Speaker 1: kind of a hard pill to swallow. Yeah, I mean

1011
00:58:02,760 --> 00:58:07,320
Speaker 1: it's tough. But what I would say now is lean

1012
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:11,880
Speaker 1: into your husband about it. Not from a resentful, blaming place,

1013
00:58:11,920 --> 00:58:14,240
Speaker 1: but just tell them how you feel. Yeah. No, for sure,

1014
00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:17,840
Speaker 1: I'm not saying like to resent I'm just like, yeah,

1015
00:58:17,960 --> 00:58:21,240
Speaker 1: which I wouldn't blame you, I wouldn't blame anybody, but yeah,

1016
00:58:21,280 --> 00:58:23,280
Speaker 1: I definitely, like you said, lean in for sure and

1017
00:58:23,320 --> 00:58:25,960
Speaker 1: talk to him how you feel. And because it's it's

1018
00:58:26,000 --> 00:58:34,840
Speaker 1: but it was y'all's decision that you guys made, you know, together, Still,

1019
00:58:34,960 --> 00:58:38,680
Speaker 1: essentially it was y'all's decision, So don't feel like you

1020
00:58:38,720 --> 00:58:40,680
Speaker 1: have to do this alone. Lean into him, just telling

1021
00:58:40,720 --> 00:58:45,280
Speaker 1: how you feel, be honest. That's just hard. But we

1022
00:58:45,320 --> 00:58:47,960
Speaker 1: appreciate you, Sharon. Yes, thank you for sharing um D

1023
00:58:48,160 --> 00:58:50,600
Speaker 1: M S the wind Down podcast. If you guys have

1024
00:58:50,640 --> 00:58:55,080
Speaker 1: any questions or anything else you want us to talk about,

1025
00:58:55,400 --> 00:59:00,080
Speaker 1: all right, see you next week. Bye guys. M