Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy centralow.
Speaker 2: One of the central figures and yesterday's January sixth hearing
Speaker 2: was Rudy Giuliani, the one man who didn't abandon President
Speaker 2: Trump's dreams of reelection just because he had already lost
Speaker 2: the election. But how did Giuliani become the feelist, ask
Speaker 2: kiss we know today? Well that's the subject of our
Speaker 2: latest Daily showography.
Speaker 1: What makes a great leader? Is it courage, compassion, charisma
Speaker 1: or is it an integrity and confidence that just leaks
Speaker 1: out of their pores, a calming strength that drips from
Speaker 1: every orifice, and the way they give their blood, sweat
Speaker 1: and other bodily fluids to make the world a better place.
Speaker 1: Since the twenty sixteen election, Rudy Giuliani has been a
Speaker 1: national leader, spreading his patriotic message at political.
Speaker 3: Rally Let's have trial by combat.
Speaker 1: Escaping company, parking lots and arenas across this great nation.
Speaker 1: Oh but how did he become the man and or
Speaker 1: manlike creature he is today? This is the Daily showography
Speaker 1: of Rudy Giuliani Oozing Greatness. Rudolph William Lewis Giuliani was
Speaker 1: born in nineteen forty four in East Flatbush, New York.
Speaker 1: His father was an alleged mob enforcer who did time
Speaker 1: at Sing Sing for armed robbery.
Speaker 4: He would tell me, never take any pails his money.
Speaker 4: Make sure you always pay for things. I mean. He
Speaker 4: wanted to make sure that I didn't make the same
Speaker 4: mistakes that he believed he had made.
Speaker 1: It was an inspiring message from a father, come up
Speaker 1: with your own original crimes, and he would to keep
Speaker 1: Rudy away from New York City's criminal element. The family
Speaker 1: moved to the suburbs.
Speaker 4: I can remember as a youngster that my father would
Speaker 4: sometimes threaten me with putting me in public schools if
Speaker 4: my behavior didn't improve, And that was a very frightening thought.
Speaker 4: But I was a product of Catholic education and it
Speaker 4: instilled in me from a very early age and desire.
Speaker 5: To be a priest.
Speaker 1: That's right. Juliani almost became a man of the cloth
Speaker 1: instead of a man of sweaty handkerchiefs. Ultimately, he chose
Speaker 1: not to pursue the priesthood, deciding instead to marry his
Speaker 1: childhood's sweetheart, who also happened to be his second cousin.
Speaker 1: And while today that may be seen as weird, back
Speaker 1: then it was seen as super gross. After graduating law school,
Speaker 1: Juliani began his meteoric career, quickly rising to the third
Speaker 1: highest position at President Reagan's Justice Department. He was the
Speaker 1: youngest person ever to hold the job, but he was
Speaker 1: already sporting the comover of a man twice his age. Soon,
Speaker 1: Rudy was US attorney for the Southern District of New York.
Speaker 1: Rudy wasn't afraid to take on criminals, or to give
Speaker 1: lots of press conferences about how he took on criminals.
Speaker 4: Well, I think of five or six or seven years ago,
Speaker 4: nobody would believe it was possible to convict the head
Speaker 4: of the Sicilian mafia and have him sitting in the
Speaker 4: Metropolitan Correction Center.
Speaker 1: He loved the camera and the camera just wanted to
Speaker 1: be friends. But soon taking credit for arrests wasn't enough.
Speaker 1: He had to pretend to make the arrests himself.
Speaker 2: I bought crack.
Speaker 4: I had a female deagent who was like, theoretically my date,
Speaker 4: and we went up and we purchased crack in Washington Heights.
Speaker 1: Now that's what I call going undercover. Tell me you
Speaker 1: don't think he smoked crack before picking out that outfit.
Speaker 1: With his crime fighting career burning hotter than totally normal
Speaker 1: lust between second cousins, Rudy set his sights on elected office.
Speaker 1: He first ran for mayor of New York in nineteen
Speaker 1: eighty nine, but he didn't quite have the name recognition
Speaker 1: he needed to win.
Speaker 5: I would like to command a Republican candidate, Rudolph Johanni.
Speaker 1: Rudy, sorry about that.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: Tough break for Rudy, go PHILII. Four years later he
Speaker 1: tried again, and this time he had the perfect foil
Speaker 1: to rally his voters against New York's first black mayor.
Speaker 1: Denouncing David Dinkins as soft on crime, Giuliani led off
Speaker 1: duty police officers in a peaceful protest to.
Speaker 3: The Minutes later, thousands of cops stormed through the barricades
Speaker 3: and ran on top of cars as they charged the
Speaker 3: stairs of City Hall.
Speaker 1: Okay, it was a peaceful, ish protest. At least, typing
Speaker 1: up a crowd to storm a government building would be
Speaker 1: good practice for him, So through sheer charisma and just
Speaker 1: a little hint of police intimidation, he finally became Mayor. Giohanni,
Speaker 1: I'm sorry, Giuliani. Over the next decade, Giuliani took New
Speaker 1: York City from a gutter toilet of violence and sex
Speaker 1: and piss and turned it into a clean, safe utopio
Speaker 1: with ample magazine jobs that allowed young women to live
Speaker 1: in giant apartments with walk in closets and so many shoes.
Speaker 1: Under Giuliani, the York Police Department pioneered some of the
Speaker 1: most iconic anti crime tactics of the era, like stop
Speaker 1: and frisk, broken windows, policing sexual assault with a broom handle,
Speaker 1: and shooting an innocent guy so many times Bruce Springsteen
Speaker 1: wrote a song about it, What do you want to Shots?
Speaker 1: Lena gets a song ready. First scheme and Juliani didn't
Speaker 1: just go after criminals. He went after all poor people
Speaker 1: in the most hilarious ways.
Speaker 5: Look at you lying there like that.
Speaker 4: Don't you have any dignity lying on your butt all
Speaker 4: day collecting welfare?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: I think he was still buying crack. Juliani was bringing
Speaker 1: glamour back to New York City, and if he was
Speaker 1: making a few enemies, he was also making some good friends.
Speaker 6: You know, you're really beautiful.
Speaker 7: Oh you turkey buying?
Speaker 1: Oh oh. Finally, Rudy found a disguise that managed to fool,
Speaker 1: someone dumber than a crack dealer. By now, Juliani was
Speaker 1: ready to shake things up. He dumped his second wife
Speaker 1: at a press conference without telling her first.
Speaker 4: In many ways, we've grown to live independent and separate lives, leaving.
Speaker 1: Her to respond with her own statement about how he
Speaker 1: was a cheating hoe. For several years, it was difficult
Speaker 1: to participate in Rudy's public life because of.
Speaker 2: His relationship with one staff member.
Speaker 1: Rudy moved out of the mayor's mansion and crashed with
Speaker 1: some friends, a gay couple in their pet shitsu while
Speaker 1: running a losing Senate race against Hillary Clinton. Honestly, his
Speaker 1: life was a lot simpler when he was just banging
Speaker 1: his cousin. And then, just as his term was coming
Speaker 1: to an end, Rudy Giuliani found himself right where he
Speaker 1: needed to be.
Speaker 4: Tomorrow, New York is going to be here, and we're
Speaker 4: going to rebuild, and we're going to be stronger.
Speaker 7: Than we were before.
Speaker 1: Nine to eleven gave Rudy his big promotion to America's mayor. Oh,
Speaker 1: and that's when the party.
Speaker 8: Started at as gentlemen, please welcome the Mayor of New
Speaker 8: York City, the Honorable Rudolph Giuliani.
Speaker 1: Yes, no one rose to greater prominence after nine to
Speaker 1: eleven than Rudy Giuliani, except maybe Bin Laden. By two
Speaker 1: thousand and eight, Giuliani was finally confident enough to admit
Speaker 1: he was bald and to make a play for the
Speaker 1: highest office in the land.
Speaker 9: Rudy is in America's mayor, now wants to be America's
Speaker 9: president anyway.
Speaker 1: He came in sixth in Iowa and was out of
Speaker 1: the race by February. By the time the twenty sixteen
Speaker 1: election year came around, Giuliani had realized he didn't need
Speaker 1: to be president. He could just be friends with one.
Speaker 1: It was a win win friendship. Trump gave Rudy the
Speaker 1: power he was longing for, and Rudy made Trump look
Speaker 1: attractive by comparison as Trump's bff. Rudy was really going places,
Speaker 1: even if he didn't always seem to know where he was.
Speaker 5: From the top to the bottom, from the middle to
Speaker 5: the side.
Speaker 1: The next four years were a whirlwind of campaigning, lawyers, cheerleading, extorting, treasoning,
Speaker 1: and insurrectioning. By the time it was over, Giuliani lost
Speaker 1: his law license, several gallons of hair dye a variety
Speaker 1: of electronic device is seized by the FBI, and most
Speaker 1: of all, his dignity.
Speaker 5: Hi, it's Rudy Giuliani and I'm on cameo in the
Speaker 5: pay for a Play scheme.
Speaker 1: But Rudy is still easing on, enjoying life to the fullest,
Speaker 1: maybe even too much.
Speaker 5: I don't think I've ever done an interviewing drunk. I
Speaker 5: have sometimes. I mean I drink normally. I like Scotch.
Speaker 2: I drink Scotch. So you do not believe that you
Speaker 2: are a drinking problem.
Speaker 1: I know, I don't know to believe it.
Speaker 2: I know of not.
Speaker 5: I know Prince Andrew is very questionable. Now. I never
Speaker 5: went out with him ever, never had a drink with him,
Speaker 5: Never was with a woman or a young girl with
Speaker 5: him evva. One time I met him in my office
Speaker 5: and one time when we had the party, right Bernie,
Speaker 5: you were there.
Speaker 2: Yes.
Speaker 1: Whether he's standing tall through nine to eleven or a
Speaker 1: blood alcohol level of nine to eleven, Rudy Giuliani is
Speaker 1: a born leader, making his mark wherever he goes, one
Speaker 1: that no standard can ever take away.
Speaker 7: The Trump campaign held a press conference to challenge the
Speaker 7: election results. At four seasons total landscaping in northeast Philadelphia.
Speaker 7: Some people suspect the campaign intended to reserve the Four
Speaker 7: Seasons Hotel but accidentally booked this landscaping company, located between
Speaker 7: a crematorium and a sex toy store. Trump's lawyer Rudy
Speaker 7: Giuliani was speaking when he was told the election had
Speaker 7: been called for Biden.
Speaker 5: What was it called by all the Oh my goodness,
Speaker 5: all the networks? Wow, all the networks.
Speaker 2: No, guys, how is this real?
Speaker 5: Like?
Speaker 2: How is this real? How are you going to hold
Speaker 2: a press conference at a lance escaping warehouse between a
Speaker 2: crematorium and a sex toy store. I mean, as a
Speaker 2: general rule, if you're ever out declaring war, you don't
Speaker 2: want to do it twenty feet from a dildo. Although
Speaker 2: I mean, in some ways it makes sense because if
Speaker 2: you ask people what's halfway between a pawn shop and
Speaker 2: a crematorium, they'd probably say Rudy Giuliani. And by the way,
Speaker 2: I have a feeling that Rudy Giuliani uses that sarcastic
Speaker 2: response a lot. I'm sorry, who wants me to put
Speaker 2: my clothes back on? Everyone? Oh? Wow?
Speaker 3: Everyone?
Speaker 2: Every single person in this Danny's wants me to put
Speaker 2: my clothes back on. Now, the campaign says that they
Speaker 2: did mean to have the press conference at this venue,
Speaker 2: and I hope that that's true, but it really just
Speaker 2: sounds like Trump's legal team accidentally booked the wrong Four Seasons,
Speaker 2: And if that is the case, that would be so sad.
Speaker 2: I mean, do you know how incompetent you got to
Speaker 2: be to get catfished by a landscaping business. Also, I
Speaker 2: love how the real Four Seasons tweeted that it has
Speaker 2: nothing to do with them, because even hotel chains are
Speaker 2: trying to get away from Trump. Now, I bet Motel
Speaker 2: six was like, get out of here, your scumbags. You're
Speaker 2: grossing out our bed bugs. I also feel really bad
Speaker 2: for anyone who is inside that sex shop during that
Speaker 2: press conference, because imagine being in a sex shop and
Speaker 2: then seeing every camera in America pulling up next door. Now,
Speaker 2: you gotta hide out in a duldo stuff for six hours,
Speaker 2: and that's a long time to pretend to be browsing. Yeah,
Speaker 2: so is this the edible underwear? Is it gluten free? U?
Speaker 5: Yeah?
Speaker 7: Yeah, there's the outside.
Speaker 2: Okay, do you do samples? So even though most of
Speaker 2: the world has accepted that Joe Biden will be the
Speaker 2: next president. Donald Trump is clearly planning to drag out
Speaker 2: this fight for weeks. Donald Joe Biden beat my ass Trump.
Speaker 2: None of his legal efforts to undo the election have
Speaker 2: been working, so now he's trying a different approach. But
Speaker 2: on the other hand, what might save America from Donald
Speaker 2: Trump trying to overthrow the government is that it's Donald
Speaker 2: Trump trying to overthrow the governments because his people are
Speaker 2: not known for being that great at what they do.
Speaker 2: I mean, just today, Ruigiliani, the President's personal lawyer and
Speaker 2: something kids fear is in the closets, gave a press
Speaker 2: conference to explain why Donald Trump actually won the election. Right,
Speaker 2: That's what he was doing. I was trying to explain
Speaker 2: to us why Donald Trump actually won the election that
Speaker 2: we all saw him lose. But we couldn't pay attention
Speaker 2: to this conspiracy theory because we were all distracted by this.
Speaker 5: Many of the absentee ballants were fraudulent, and they knew that,
Speaker 5: and they didn't want to have account to that. Two
Speaker 5: hundred percent of the registered voters in a district vote,
Speaker 5: what does that mean in the states that we had
Speaker 5: indicated in d Georgia, Pennsylvania, Michigan, Wisconsin, Nevada, and Arizona.
Speaker 5: We more than double the number of votes needed to
Speaker 5: overturn the elections. All you got to do to find
Speaker 5: out if I'm misleading you at all, is to look
Speaker 5: at the lawsuits. That's the reason why he probably didn't
Speaker 5: have to go out in campaign.
Speaker 2: Okay, I know that this could be the end of
Speaker 2: American democracy, but guys, this shit is hilarious. I mean,
Speaker 2: Trump always said that he had liquors in his administration,
Speaker 2: but I don't know was this bad? What the hell
Speaker 2: was going on with Rudy? Honest question? Was his hair
Speaker 2: dye dripping? Was his brain shitting itself? Honestly, I didn't
Speaker 2: even know that sideburns got periods. You know, your legal
Speaker 2: strategies up when even your hair starts crying about it.
Speaker 2: It was going down both his cheeks. This dude was
Speaker 2: growing a chin strapped beard in real time. And look,
Speaker 2: I'm not gonna lie. Part of me feels bad for
Speaker 2: Rudy because this was the biggest press conference on his life,
Speaker 2: his big chance to get Donald Trump another term as president,
Speaker 2: and his hair ruined the entire moment. Can you imagine
Speaker 2: if Abraham Lincoln was reading the Emancipation Proclamation and his
Speaker 2: beard just walked away. People would have been like, hey, yo,
Speaker 2: yo yo, yeah, man, forget about the slaves, man, yo yo,
Speaker 2: your chin hair just bounced be Yeah, you gotta look
Speaker 2: at that shit. But maybe this is the perfect combination
Speaker 2: of evil and ridiculous to end the Trump era. I
Speaker 2: think it's perfect because think about it. If someone said
Speaker 2: in twenty sixteen that this whole thing would end with
Speaker 2: Rudy Giuliani openly plotting a coup against the government, but
Speaker 2: no one would take him seriously because he had had
Speaker 2: dye running down his face the entire time. You'd be like, yeah,
Speaker 2: you know what it sounds about, right, Rudy Giuliani, former
Speaker 2: aide to Donald Trump and lawyer who makes all these
Speaker 2: clients look innocent in comparison. Since his role in the
Speaker 2: attempt to overthrow the twenty twenty election, Giuliani has largely
Speaker 2: disappeared from public view, like a snail retreating into its shell,
Speaker 2: but way more disgusting. And if there's one thing America loves,
Speaker 2: it's a big comeback. And last night Rudy got his.
Speaker 8: A little bit of controversy on the masked Singer. Last night,
Speaker 8: personal lawyer to former President Donald Trump and former New
Speaker 8: York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani popped out of a giant
Speaker 8: rooster suit.
Speaker 2: While singing a rendition of Bad to the Bone.
Speaker 3: She turned the man.
Speaker 8: Away but boone, but as he revealed himself this is
Speaker 8: what happened, Judge Ken Jung stormed off the stage apparently
Speaker 8: didn't like it, saying I'm done.
Speaker 2: Yeah, Rudy Giuliani just got voted off the Mosque Singer,
Speaker 2: which means he's about to spend the next five years
Speaker 2: claiming that he actually won the Mosque Singer. And I
Speaker 2: guess history history was made last night because for the
Speaker 2: first time in the most singer's history, a contestant took
Speaker 2: off their maskue and everyone's like, no, no, put it back on, put.
Speaker 5: It back on, put it on.
Speaker 2: We don't want to get put it back on. It's
Speaker 2: also weird how Rudy has the time to be on
Speaker 2: a game show, but he's too busy to testify in
Speaker 2: front of Congress, Like maybe they should have just tricked him, right,
Speaker 2: Congress should have just like made it seem like it
Speaker 2: was the Mars Singer combined the whole thing top him
Speaker 2: in the giant costume and then set him in front
Speaker 2: of the giants committee. Let's hear it. Yeah, that's the
Speaker 2: game show. American nemes Bernie Sanders would be sitting there
Speaker 2: like oh, based on his other disregard for democracy, I'm
Speaker 2: gonna guess the rooster is Rudy Giuliani.
Speaker 3: Let's take up to them.
Speaker 2: Let's see shakere word bottle and duck.
Speaker 7: I was dead. I told you old him.
Speaker 2: I could see that, the melting through the mask.
Speaker 7: I could see it.
Speaker 2: Trump's inner circle was well aware that the election did
Speaker 2: not go their way, and they told Trump except for
Speaker 2: one person who had the liquid courage to say that
Speaker 2: Trump did win.
Speaker 6: President Trump rejected the advice of his campaign experts on
Speaker 6: election night and instead followed the course recommended by an
Speaker 6: apparently debriated Rudy Giuliani to just claim he won and
Speaker 6: insists that the vote counting stop.
Speaker 2: Was there anyone in that conversation who, in your observation,
Speaker 2: had had too much to drink?
Speaker 5: Uh murder?
Speaker 9: Giuliani in the mirror was definitely intoxicated.
Speaker 2: Yeah. According to this former Trump aid, Rudy Giuliani was
Speaker 2: wasted on election night when he told Trump that the
Speaker 2: election was stolen from him. And I'm just curious about
Speaker 2: how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No,
Speaker 2: because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things,
Speaker 2: they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that
Speaker 2: work with the Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like
Speaker 2: does he start talking normally? His head die sucks back
Speaker 2: into his hair? How does this work? And you know,
Speaker 2: it actually says a lot about Trump that a whole
Speaker 2: team of sober advisors, his attorney general, his campaign manager,
Speaker 2: his daughter who he wants to bang. Yeah, we haven't forgotten.
Speaker 2: They were all telling him you lost this election, sir.
Speaker 2: But then Trump was like, yeah, yeah, what have a
Speaker 2: drunk vampire? What do you think? You know, when you
Speaker 2: think about it, actually makes sense that Trump would listen
Speaker 2: to a drunk person because that's the one time people
Speaker 2: probably sound like him. You know, He's just like, what
Speaker 2: do you guys think? What should do? I'll tell you
Speaker 2: what I think what we should do? Wow, there's something
Speaker 2: about this guy.
Speaker 1: He totally gets it.
Speaker 3: You'll get it, I get it.
Speaker 2: You yet you he get it all right? You know,
Speaker 2: there are a lot of depressing things going on in
Speaker 2: America right now. So we decided let's start off today's
Speaker 2: show with some good news, and I'm talking about what
Speaker 2: happened to Rudy Giuliani, former New York City mayor and
Speaker 2: America's most illegal lawyer. You see, he was in a
Speaker 2: supermarket on Staten Island Sunday campaigning for his son, Andrew Giuliani,
Speaker 2: who's trying to make history as New York's first caveman governor.
Speaker 2: And thankfully Rudy is now doing okay offter, just barely
Speaker 2: surviving a heinous drive by on his upper back.
Speaker 10: A Staten Island grocery store workers facing assault charges accused
Speaker 10: of slapping former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani. This
Speaker 10: surveillance video shows the encounter inside a shop right store.
Speaker 10: The worker appears to hit Julianni on the back, prompting
Speaker 10: a reaction from the former mayor.
Speaker 9: NYPD has said that this man was a thirty nine
Speaker 9: year old sets back to approach. Giuliani slapped him in
Speaker 9: the back and said, what's up, scumbag. Giuliani refused medical
Speaker 9: attention at the scene, and the thirty nine year old
Speaker 9: was taken into custody with the NYPD recommending charges of
Speaker 9: second degree assault.
Speaker 2: Don't you enough? Don't you gen enough? This is second
Speaker 2: degree assaults. That's how tough New York's laws are. Third
Speaker 2: degree is if you lightly blow on someone's ear, and
Speaker 2: first degree is if you boop them on the nose.
Speaker 2: Boo ah, I've been hit.
Speaker 1: I've been hit.
Speaker 2: Please please, don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong.
Speaker 2: I don't think it is right for anyone to be
Speaker 2: putting their hands on politicians or anyone for that matter,
Speaker 2: without their consent. Right, I'm not saying that, But no
Speaker 2: way in hell is that second degree assault? But belly till,
Speaker 2: that's not second If that's assault, then what I guess?
Speaker 2: Will Smith murdered Chris Rock. That's what happened there. And
Speaker 2: now I'm in the gray and the gray, and I
Speaker 2: love how I love how they say Rudy declined medical attention?
Speaker 2: Medical attention for what? For what? That's the kind of
Speaker 2: injury where the only thing you could do is kiss
Speaker 2: it and make it feel better.
Speaker 1: That's it.
Speaker 2: Is it better, Rudy? Is it better? In fact, if
Speaker 2: anyone needs medical attention here, it's the guy who touched
Speaker 2: Rudy Giuliani. Yeah, that dude's hand probably looks like dumbledoors
Speaker 2: after he barehanded a Hawk crux. And yes, I will admit,
Speaker 2: I will admit this guy did sound aggressive. But you've
Speaker 2: got to understand, what's up, scumbag is just how people
Speaker 2: say hello on staten Nyland. You know, it's a normal conversation.
Speaker 2: What's up to come back? Nothing much for your mother,
Speaker 2: all right, well, not to see your grandma, but to me.
Speaker 2: To me, the best part of the story is that
Speaker 2: the more Rudy told it, the more the slap seemed
Speaker 2: to hurt.
Speaker 5: He hit me hard enough to knock me forward about
Speaker 5: like you know, elderly people die mostly from falls.
Speaker 6: This guy to kill me.
Speaker 4: I got hit on the back as if a boulder
Speaker 4: hit me. He knocked me forward Steppard two.
Speaker 1: All of a sudden, I feel a shot on my back.
Speaker 4: Right, somebody shot me, you know that was that was
Speaker 4: the woman who was rubbing my back. The guy hit
Speaker 4: me so hard that she herself almost fell from the
Speaker 4: reverberation of him.
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's right. He slapped me so hard my eyeballs
Speaker 2: fell out and I had to pick them up and
Speaker 2: put them back in. You all saw that he slapped
Speaker 2: me so hard I shit out the side of my
Speaker 2: face two years ago. Yeah, that's how hard it was.
Speaker 2: You saw it. Everybody. I felt that. I felt text.
Speaker 2: You know, I thought that Rudy was lying about the
Speaker 2: election being stolen because he was a Trump sick offense.
Speaker 2: It turns out he just lives in another world. This
Speaker 2: is just his brain. And I will say in his defense,
Speaker 2: in his defense, he was already in a weekened States.
Speaker 2: You know, you have to acknowledge that he was out
Speaker 2: during the day in a store that sells garlic. I mean,
Speaker 2: you know, it was hard for him. It was hard.
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