Speaker 1: Episode two one, Being Frugal with a non frugal partner.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Frugal Friends podcast, where you'll learn to
Speaker 1: save money, embrace simplicity, rights, and live with your life.
Speaker 1: Here your host Jen and Jill. Welcome to the Frugal
Speaker 1: Friends podcast. My name is Jen, my name is Jill,
Speaker 1: and today we are bringing a frequently requested episode essentially
Speaker 1: kind of like how to get your partner on board,
Speaker 1: but not really well we'll talk about it, well, you'll
Speaker 1: get it, but like being frugal when your partner is
Speaker 1: not as frugal and I feel so seen maybe and
Speaker 1: called out. I don't know what you'd call this Jill's episode. Yeah, Well,
Speaker 1: in some way is I'm really looking forward to this
Speaker 1: because I think we're looking at this topic from some
Speaker 1: different vantage points that we don't typically here or see
Speaker 1: talked about, where, Yeah, like you're saying, John, it's not
Speaker 1: just how to get your partner on board and financial conversations.
Speaker 1: This when we find real rubs with one another, when
Speaker 1: there's tension and the various levels of tension that I
Speaker 1: do think, especially towards the second part of this episode,
Speaker 1: we're going to be getting a little bit more vulnerable
Speaker 1: and highlighting some more challenging and difficult dynamics. So brace yourself,
Speaker 1: but glad you're here with us. And I think this
Speaker 1: is going to be a really good one to open
Speaker 1: the door to some things that are lesser talked about
Speaker 1: and hopefully people can feel seen and equipped. Yeah, I'm
Speaker 1: very excited for it. But first, this episode is brought
Speaker 1: to you by National Middle Child a So today is
Speaker 1: National middle Child Day, and we want to celebrate this
Speaker 1: day on the show, not only because those children who
Speaker 1: are not the oldest but also not the baby, and
Speaker 1: who are probably arguably the most put together sibling in
Speaker 1: the family is rarely recognized because because absolutely no drama,
Speaker 1: but because Jill is a middle child. As a middle child,
Speaker 1: you probably get the least attention in your family. So
Speaker 1: you're gonna want to take care of yourself because nobody
Speaker 1: else is going to by opening a high old savings account.
Speaker 1: So right now C I T Banks Savings Connect account
Speaker 1: is offering a one point three five a p y.
Speaker 1: It's the highest uh we've seen that we like. So
Speaker 1: if you're a middle child, if you're not a middle child,
Speaker 1: wherever you fall in the family tree, head to Frugal
Speaker 1: Friends podcast dot com, slash c I T and start
Speaker 1: stashing away money that your family doesn't know about. Again,
Speaker 1: I feel so seen. Apparently this is my episode and
Speaker 1: a middle child. All of these videos that are going around,
Speaker 1: these reels about oldest, middle youngest, I'm like, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: that's me. That middle child experience is me and all
Speaker 1: of the things, all of the things that can be
Speaker 1: said about a middle child. Although, mind you, I make
Speaker 1: myself seen and heard. I started a podcast, so here
Speaker 1: I am absolutely do and in that C I T
Speaker 1: account because I got to do for my own self.
Speaker 1: You've celebrated a National middle Child day or two. So
Speaker 1: if you are looking for some episodes to queue up
Speaker 1: after this that are in the same realm, we love
Speaker 1: episode one, which is healthy financial boundaries with family and friends.
Speaker 1: We love boundaries. And then also episode seven how to
Speaker 1: have healthy conversations about money. Both of those again Jill
Speaker 1: episodes for sure. So episode and episode seven really really
Speaker 1: good ones. Happy National middle Child every probably day. Cheers
Speaker 1: to that. Thank you, thank you, thank thank thank you everyone.
Speaker 1: I want to thank my fans, my siblings, your sister
Speaker 1: for being born first, thank your brother for being born
Speaker 1: second third rather, So this was so I had to
Speaker 1: dig deep to find these headlines because a lot of
Speaker 1: when you first Google, I don't think being frugal with
Speaker 1: a non frugal partner is probably the term you're going
Speaker 1: to search for in Google. It's probably like how to
Speaker 1: get your spouse or your partner on board with frugality
Speaker 1: or paying off debt or budgeting or what have you.
Speaker 1: But when I searched those things, they all came up
Speaker 1: with very symptom based tips, so very like symptoms like
Speaker 1: I don't know if some them is the right word,
Speaker 1: but just like very surface level tips like show them
Speaker 1: the budget like I guess it, convicting them or maybe
Speaker 1: even guilting them, I don't that's probably some of the
Speaker 1: result that's going to come inadvertently. So I didn't really
Speaker 1: love most of the articles on this topic. Well, a
Speaker 1: lot of times its behavior based rather than relationship based.
Speaker 1: And of course, if we're talking spouses partners, these are
Speaker 1: people we deeply care for, and we're not going to
Speaker 1: resolve deeper rooted issues by just looking at behaviors or
Speaker 1: ways we can manipulate or get our way. We want
Speaker 1: to dig deeper to that relational level, and I think
Speaker 1: that's what what we aim to do here in this
Speaker 1: episode and hopefully in all episodes. It's not just about
Speaker 1: the actions. There are some tools we can implement, There
Speaker 1: are some things we can do, but not without also
Speaker 1: looking at some of the deeper layers and having tools
Speaker 1: that are maybe outside of just the do this, don't
Speaker 1: do that. Yeah, behavior is what I was looking for,
Speaker 1: not symptom, but yes, they were all behavior based. And
Speaker 1: if there is no motivation to do behaviors, there's gonna
Speaker 1: be no success. You're going to keep spinning your wheels
Speaker 1: and being frustrated. Nothing is changing with your partner. So
Speaker 1: these articles, we hope give kind of an alternative like view,
Speaker 1: maybe more positive and relational views. So that starts with
Speaker 1: this first article, what to do if you're more frugal
Speaker 1: than your partner. It comes crunchy tails, I'm here for it,
Speaker 1: what I'm here for it. Oh, I am very, very
Speaker 1: pleased with this article, every single aspect of it. I
Speaker 1: think it is so on point and gives really insightful,
Speaker 1: rich things to think about tips along the way. I'm
Speaker 1: I'm so thrilled. And one of the things that they
Speaker 1: point out at the very onset. I'll just read this
Speaker 1: quote that is unrealistic to expect your partner to change
Speaker 1: your way of handling money, much like it's unrealistic for
Speaker 1: you to change your spouses this concept, and I think
Speaker 1: recognizing and embracing this from the start is very necessary
Speaker 1: because for however set in your ways, you feel, it's
Speaker 1: most likely the case for your spouse or partner. And
Speaker 1: so recognizing that that this is where we're starting from,
Speaker 1: and the aim isn't just to change the other person.
Speaker 1: We can shift and change and morph and grow, but
Speaker 1: hopefully out of invitation and relationship and personal desire to
Speaker 1: change and grow, not out of manipulation on the part
Speaker 1: of another person. And so coming into us recognizing what
Speaker 1: is my motivation? Is it to change this person or
Speaker 1: to understand them better and learn ways of working together
Speaker 1: in ways that are mutually beneficial, totally different approaches. Yeah
Speaker 1: that I have same same feelings. I also liked these
Speaker 1: these different tips, So I like the first one. It's
Speaker 1: not not a tip, but she's just saying, like more
Speaker 1: than numbers, opposites attract, and so maybe you're not opposite
Speaker 1: from your partner in every single way, but she says
Speaker 1: we each have our internal money wiring which is reflected
Speaker 1: and how we save, spend, invest and give um and
Speaker 1: to that, we also have our individ visual money stories
Speaker 1: from life circumstances. So understanding these differences is crucial to
Speaker 1: getting the result that both of you want financially. I
Speaker 1: love how they describe UH. One of the first steps
Speaker 1: can be well, certainly they talk about having a financial date.
Speaker 1: We've used the term money party, whatever word you want
Speaker 1: to put on it, that's the most appealing for you.
Speaker 1: But the idea is that we need to have time
Speaker 1: set aside that's attractive, that we want to engage in,
Speaker 1: but where there is space and safety created for an
Speaker 1: intentional conversation about money, but not necessarily just diving into
Speaker 1: the numbers and the budget and the spreadsheet. If if
Speaker 1: you've got a well oiled machine, then then find that's
Speaker 1: what you're doing. But obviously that's not the couple that
Speaker 1: we're talking to right now. Beginning first with some of
Speaker 1: these other layers that aren't the budget, that aren't the numbers,
Speaker 1: and we'll get into more of that. One of the
Speaker 1: things that they talk about is identifying your money personality.
Speaker 1: There's a lot of different ways of going about this.
Speaker 1: I really like what they've outlined here though. Of they've
Speaker 1: identified in this article five different money personalities, and they
Speaker 1: include the nurturer, the epicurean, the independent, the producer, the visionary,
Speaker 1: and being able to have an understanding of what each
Speaker 1: one of these are, where you fall and where your
Speaker 1: partner falls again for the sake of understanding one another,
Speaker 1: valuing one another, so that from that foundation and launching point,
Speaker 1: you can move towards some actions that align with your
Speaker 1: growing understanding. Yeah. I love these five money personalities. Do
Speaker 1: you okay, don't tell me which one you are? Do
Speaker 1: you know which one you are on these? Yes? Okay,
Speaker 1: I'm gonna guess. Do you think you can guess which
Speaker 1: one I am? Probably? Yeah, okay, just having looked at
Speaker 1: these briefly for the past five minutes, not digging into these,
Speaker 1: but I think that you are the nurture that that
Speaker 1: was my first okay as well, because you are so
Speaker 1: extra in taking care of people. Thank you. That's growing
Speaker 1: inside of me. I do think I've changed throughout the years,
Speaker 1: and that's a whole other thing is I think sometimes
Speaker 1: our personality with money can change, how we can change
Speaker 1: for you, I think you're the producer. Actually I'm the independent. Okay.
Speaker 1: I was back and forth between them. I think if
Speaker 1: I was the producer, I would I would look at
Speaker 1: my money more than once a month, my banking out
Speaker 1: more than once a month. Um. If that you know
Speaker 1: I have to do it once a month and it's
Speaker 1: chore for me. Well, let me let me read through
Speaker 1: this really quick, just so people can know if they
Speaker 1: don't end up making it to this article. The nurture
Speaker 1: is someone who will keep others in mind when making
Speaker 1: financial decisions, even though sometimes they're aware putting others first
Speaker 1: may not be possible. The epicurean They may enjoy spending money,
Speaker 1: but usually with a spending goal in mind. They typically
Speaker 1: seek the good life and like the finer things. The
Speaker 1: independent they deeply value freedom and autonomy. It's important to
Speaker 1: them to live life on their own terms have the
Speaker 1: freedom to follow their bliss. They tend to think about money. Um,
Speaker 1: not think about money unless it's getting in the way
Speaker 1: of living the life that they want. The producer is grounded, diligent,
Speaker 1: consistent when it comes to managing money. They watch over
Speaker 1: it carefully, enjoy accumulating it and watching it grow. I
Speaker 1: might be a combination of the nurturer and the producer.
Speaker 1: Honestly love accumulating money. Yes, I think that that's what
Speaker 1: stood out to me about you, probably, and then that
Speaker 1: might the producer might be our crossover, your independent and nurturer.
Speaker 1: And then we have a crossover introducer. Three so achievers,
Speaker 1: So that yeah, easily translated to that. And then finally
Speaker 1: the visionary. They see money as a tool for self
Speaker 1: expression and a means to follow. They're driven to do
Speaker 1: what they love for work, and are equally excited when
Speaker 1: they are working towards consistent success financially. Now, mind you,
Speaker 1: as I've read all of these brief descriptions, they're all good.
Speaker 1: All of them are are excellent not There's not a
Speaker 1: hierarchy here, and so I think that's one of the
Speaker 1: things we also want to highlight in this conversation that
Speaker 1: the frugal, the non the non frugal, or the spender,
Speaker 1: the saver, the one who's more money conscious, the one
Speaker 1: who doesn't think about money a lot. There's not a
Speaker 1: good or bad, a right or wrong, a better than here.
Speaker 1: They're all valuable and have something to give. I recognize
Speaker 1: that there can be tension sometimes there can be a
Speaker 1: railing against or a pulling apart that can happen when
Speaker 1: these various personalities come together. But that's another thing I
Speaker 1: think to hold onto here is recognizing where is their value?
Speaker 1: Where is there or understanding where we can uplift the
Speaker 1: various qualities of the other person. The financial conversations will
Speaker 1: go much better if that's the standpoint we can come from. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, you can absolutely love nice things and the
Speaker 1: good life and be that epicurean and be frugal because
Speaker 1: that is the definition of values based spending, knowing what
Speaker 1: you value and spending without guilt on it. And you
Speaker 1: can also be the producer and love making money and
Speaker 1: love spending it intentionally. So like all of these money
Speaker 1: personalities are also translatable to a frugal or non frugal lifestyle.
Speaker 1: It's just trying to get see how we can live
Speaker 1: in our personality and our partners personality in a more
Speaker 1: productive way, like the concept of values based spending, but
Speaker 1: around this of how can we help each other be
Speaker 1: the best version of money personality that they are, Right Like,
Speaker 1: not all of my nurturer or producer tendencies are rooted
Speaker 1: in beneficial things, but me for me growing so that
Speaker 1: that I can be the best nurturer with my money.
Speaker 1: And how can I help my spouse be the best
Speaker 1: producer or visionary with their money? Like what an amazing
Speaker 1: goal and gets us on the same team, even if
Speaker 1: we're different. Absolutely, and that's going to help pull your
Speaker 1: partner into wanting to be frugal if you're if they
Speaker 1: know that you have their best interests in mine and
Speaker 1: you want them to live in their fullest self, then
Speaker 1: they're going to be more open to the idea of
Speaker 1: being mindful of their money. I think so one of
Speaker 1: like one of the reasons I'm truly independent is like
Speaker 1: I don't like being told what to do with my money.
Speaker 1: Like I don't even like myself telling me what to
Speaker 1: do with my money. And so when I think somebody
Speaker 1: else is trying to tell me what to do, like
Speaker 1: I push back and so like but Travis telling me, like,
Speaker 1: how can we, you know, align our finances so that
Speaker 1: you can have that freedom you truly value, not just
Speaker 1: like surface level in I can spend whatever I want
Speaker 1: when I want, but like the true freedom is I
Speaker 1: can live however I want in the time and have
Speaker 1: enough time to do it. That's like mind blowings, and
Speaker 1: that's yeah, that's way more effective than look at your transaction,
Speaker 1: look at how much you spent last month. You convinctate
Speaker 1: about that. Oh, I'm saying in a high pitch voice,
Speaker 1: in a low pitch voice. It's not shame based, and
Speaker 1: it's completely removing the shame from it, but celebrating what
Speaker 1: is inside of yourself and the other person. I'm so
Speaker 1: jazzed on this conversation, absolutely so. Then the next thing
Speaker 1: that that that can be talked about in this financial date,
Speaker 1: this money party, this whatever you want to call it,
Speaker 1: is your background, your money story. We all have one,
Speaker 1: and it began in our childhood and it was developed
Speaker 1: throughout our teen years and into adulthood. Some of it
Speaker 1: is excellent and aimed at well being. Some of it
Speaker 1: probably not excellent, not beneficial for us, and so teasing
Speaker 1: that apart, weeding that out. But we're not going to
Speaker 1: be able to have growth, experience growth, learning better things
Speaker 1: for ourselves without an understanding of where we came from,
Speaker 1: which can help to inform where where do we want
Speaker 1: to go? And having this understanding of yourself and your
Speaker 1: partner again is going to form that foundation of how
Speaker 1: can we best approach one another? And how can we
Speaker 1: make decisions that are going to be aimed at well being?
Speaker 1: So tell each other your stories. I like some of
Speaker 1: the questions that they provide of what were your early
Speaker 1: feelings about money? What where your parents, circumstances and attitudes
Speaker 1: about money? Ask getting each other these questions again in
Speaker 1: a safe space, digging deeper on these money conversations that
Speaker 1: are not threatening about what did you spend last month?
Speaker 1: But let me get to know you. Invitation for deeper
Speaker 1: intimacy and understanding of one another, Holy smokes, gonna go
Speaker 1: so much better than looking at spreadsheets. Absolutely, So the
Speaker 1: next part is to create goals and middle ground strategies.
Speaker 1: I love the middle ground strategies part, and she says
Speaker 1: in bold successful relationships are a journey of compromise, forgiveness,
Speaker 1: and of course love. When it comes to money, it's
Speaker 1: essential that you both have an equal say and can
Speaker 1: come to an agreement regarding saving, spending, investing, and giving.
Speaker 1: And I think that's what these the like the middle
Speaker 1: ground strategies are so like important for so like what's
Speaker 1: that amount that's too high for you and too low
Speaker 1: for your spouse that may love to spend. Find that
Speaker 1: middle ground. It's gonna be a little uncomfortable for both
Speaker 1: of you, it should, but there should be some agreement
Speaker 1: so that, like when they're out and they're making a purchase,
Speaker 1: there's already a guideline of Okay, what do I have
Speaker 1: to consult the budget on? What do I have to
Speaker 1: talk to my spouse about? What can I just buy
Speaker 1: you know, without asking, you know, consulting a soul. I
Speaker 1: love this concept. It's negotiation, which we've talked about before.
Speaker 1: I do think this conversation does need to be tethered
Speaker 1: to numbers. We can't just throw out numbers without knowing, well,
Speaker 1: what what can we afford? What is within the money
Speaker 1: that we bring in every month to be able to say,
Speaker 1: what can you spend without needing to ask? And what's
Speaker 1: that number that is going to make quite an impact
Speaker 1: on the money that we've brought in that month. So
Speaker 1: tether that conversation to something, but give room for that
Speaker 1: negotiation of this is what I think we can spend
Speaker 1: and don't need to consult with one another. This falls
Speaker 1: under the bigger purchase category where we should check in
Speaker 1: with one another, make plans for this thing to be purchased.
Speaker 1: I know many couples approach even shared finances in a
Speaker 1: variety of ways, so definitely bring that into consideration, whether
Speaker 1: you have shared bank accounts or separate bank accounts, whatever,
Speaker 1: that is tethering it to the reality of your situation
Speaker 1: when you finally get to this point of the conversation
Speaker 1: and then from there implementing a document together. Again, this
Speaker 1: needs to be congruent with who you are. But a
Speaker 1: lot of times when we put things into righting there
Speaker 1: is more follow through when we can come to a
Speaker 1: point of very clearly defined boundary lines but also aims
Speaker 1: and goals. Were more likely to have this Okay, we're
Speaker 1: doing this together and and this is a shared journey
Speaker 1: that we're doing, so it doesn't have to be complicated.
Speaker 1: I know we talk about within the Frugal Friends podcasts
Speaker 1: and community a one page financial plan. This can be
Speaker 1: that of putting down in writing, what are your long
Speaker 1: term goals, your short term goals, what do you want
Speaker 1: to be putting towards saving? What are some of the
Speaker 1: spending things that you want to see in your life
Speaker 1: in the coming months and years ahead. So get it
Speaker 1: in writing, put down what you this hard work that
Speaker 1: you've implemented of all these conversations, and now bring it together.
Speaker 1: This is finally the action point. We finally made it there.
Speaker 1: We've talked about all the other things. We've invited one
Speaker 1: another to deeper understanding, and now what do we want
Speaker 1: to do with this? Let's put it in writing. Yeah,
Speaker 1: she the the the rules, she says, the rules and
Speaker 1: budgets have a restrictive implication, especially for natural spenders. So
Speaker 1: how about calling them adoring agreements and soulful spending plans.
Speaker 1: It's all about branding, right, Yes, I mean that's one way,
Speaker 1: that's sure. If that's what if that's what you need. Yeah.
Speaker 1: So our next article, the last one kind of ends
Speaker 1: um with this, like you can still control your own
Speaker 1: spending even if you can't control your partners, And that
Speaker 1: kind of leads us into um. This next one from
Speaker 1: cs monitor how to protect yourself when a spouse mishandles money.
Speaker 1: And this one's kind of like a worst case scenario.
Speaker 1: We always hope for the best, and we live, we
Speaker 1: live in that, but we don't want to be so
Speaker 1: naive that we do not prepare for the worst. And
Speaker 1: so this article goes or some of the ways that
Speaker 1: you can just make smart financial decisions for yourself. Yes, Okay,
Speaker 1: a couple of things that I want to say, because
Speaker 1: this is now the point in this episode that I
Speaker 1: think we are digging even deeper into some of the
Speaker 1: realities of people's circumstances. First, I want to say, it's
Speaker 1: an interesting hosting website for this article. But don't be misled.
Speaker 1: This person is a blogger for the Simple Dollar, and
Speaker 1: and he owns the Simple Dollar. I just couldn't find
Speaker 1: the article on the Simple Dollar website. So here here
Speaker 1: it is hosted on the Christian Science Monitor. Yes, but
Speaker 1: but the pan that is has valuable insight and we
Speaker 1: trust trustworthy. Yeah. And so then beyond that, we are
Speaker 1: now talking about issues in relationships related to finances that
Speaker 1: go beyond oh we can't seem to get on the
Speaker 1: same page, or they like to spend a little bit
Speaker 1: more money than I do, or I wish they enjoyed
Speaker 1: eating at home more. We're not talking about those dynamics anymore.
Speaker 1: We're talking about some dynamics that can really be devastating
Speaker 1: in relationships. And part of the reason we're talking about
Speaker 1: this is because it is more common then I think
Speaker 1: we realize, and I recognize this in my own care
Speaker 1: for people in the mental health field, in my own
Speaker 1: conversations with friends and acquaintances, and within this podcast environment
Speaker 1: the the real things that people are dealing with, and
Speaker 1: wanting to put some content out there that can help
Speaker 1: people feel seen but also equipped for Okay, yes, this
Speaker 1: issue does go to a deeper level, and there are
Speaker 1: things that you can do in response to that financially
Speaker 1: but also emotionally and mentally to be able to care
Speaker 1: for yourself. This one also does hit very close to
Speaker 1: home for me. I'm not going to go into details,
Speaker 1: but I have seen this very real time play out
Speaker 1: where there is some extreme mishandling of money that can
Speaker 1: affect a spouse, and if that is you, there is
Speaker 1: no shame in that. There there is help, there are
Speaker 1: things you can do, there's influence that you have. But
Speaker 1: I think also this might be a conversation where it
Speaker 1: goes deeper beyond oh, I just need to listen to
Speaker 1: episodes about how to get my spouse on board. It's
Speaker 1: very possible that if you find yourself in the situations
Speaker 1: that we're about to describe, there needs to be some
Speaker 1: counseling for you as an individual. For hopefully you as
Speaker 1: a couple, if your spouse is willing to come together.
Speaker 1: Because what we're about to describe goes deeper than just
Speaker 1: quote unquote surface money issues. There are deeper things going
Speaker 1: on that are most likely linked to past experiences, understanding
Speaker 1: of money, potential traumas, and so deeper levels of help
Speaker 1: and assistance. But we want to give some of the
Speaker 1: low hanging fruit. There you go. There's a statement I
Speaker 1: say often of but what can you do in the
Speaker 1: immediacy when you recognize that this is happening? And so
Speaker 1: some examples are a spouse that consistently refuses to talk
Speaker 1: about money, or they're spending where there are maybe charges
Speaker 1: on the debit or credit card that you have no
Speaker 1: idea about and they refuse to be forthright about. There
Speaker 1: is spending beyond one's means that might have to do
Speaker 1: with addiction, it might have to do with again traumas,
Speaker 1: various coping mechanisms, you name it. But secretive purchases that
Speaker 1: aren't gifts for you. It's not the holidays, and these
Speaker 1: secretive purchases aren't things that eventually you're going to find
Speaker 1: wrapped up as a nice gift. These are the things
Speaker 1: that we're describing. And again, many many people do find
Speaker 1: themselves in this situation. So part of this is normalizing
Speaker 1: and validating, and you are seen, but you're not without
Speaker 1: tools and resources and you don't have to fall victim
Speaker 1: to this circumstance with the person that you care about
Speaker 1: in value. Yeah, and even if you don't believe that
Speaker 1: there could be like deep stuff going on, like stuff
Speaker 1: you don't know about, these are still things that are
Speaker 1: essential to do for individuals because maybe there aren't issues now,
Speaker 1: but down the road could be. And so these are
Speaker 1: just these are just smart things or or there's very
Speaker 1: often in this when there are deep issues, the non
Speaker 1: spending spouse doesn't know about it because the overspending spouse
Speaker 1: is hiding it so well they're really good at it.
Speaker 1: So that's why, again there's no shame or judgment in this,
Speaker 1: because these are just things we need to do and
Speaker 1: and know about because it could come up at any time,
Speaker 1: and we hope it won't. We hope that your non
Speaker 1: frugal spouse will, like you'll have these conversations and they'll
Speaker 1: be inspired and you'll work together and you'll have this
Speaker 1: like really fruitful relationship. But we always want to like
Speaker 1: prepare for the alternative to Yeah, if they're secrecy, if
Speaker 1: they're stonewalling, those do though, indicate deeper issues that you
Speaker 1: will most likely well, I would encourage get some help,
Speaker 1: get some counseling to help understand what's happening, protect yourself,
Speaker 1: be able to navigate this, and hopefully, as you're saying, Jen,
Speaker 1: come together and find some of that healing and well being. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and I would say so the first tip for me,
Speaker 1: which I don't think is on this, but I would
Speaker 1: say it's it's first before. The first tip is to
Speaker 1: check your credit report, and if you are able to
Speaker 1: check your spouses credit report as well, ultimately check yours
Speaker 1: first to make sure that no um loans or credit
Speaker 1: cards have been opened up in your social Security number
Speaker 1: that you don't know about. Your credit report at free
Speaker 1: credit report dot com or credit Carma will show you
Speaker 1: all the debts that you have on your social Security number,
Speaker 1: and then the same for your spouse. Uh So, if
Speaker 1: you can keep separate finances, but an open relationship should
Speaker 1: be willing to share what's going on in each person's finances.
Speaker 1: So yeah, that would be the first thing, just to
Speaker 1: make sure there's full transparency in the relationship, making sure
Speaker 1: we know. It's not going to tell you how much
Speaker 1: is in your bank account or what the transactions are,
Speaker 1: so it's not gonna do like individual like specifics like that,
Speaker 1: but you'll see the debts, the checking accounts, all of that.
Speaker 1: And so i'd say that is the first thing I
Speaker 1: would do. And from there, one of the ways that
Speaker 1: we can protect ourselves and we can take control and
Speaker 1: influence in the areas that we have control over, is
Speaker 1: to open up a separate savings account, put a savings
Speaker 1: account in your name, and begin to put money aside
Speaker 1: into that account. That it can be small amounts, large amounts,
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Set that up. I'm not saying to do,
Speaker 1: and I don't think this article is either, and then
Speaker 1: keep that a secret. But of course you do want
Speaker 1: it to be protected, so that that money is there,
Speaker 1: so that you can care for yourself and potentially your
Speaker 1: spouse or partner if needed. But of course, if there
Speaker 1: is a lot of secrecy, especially from the other person,
Speaker 1: I would say before informing about this other account, that
Speaker 1: they could potentially have access to having a mediator, having
Speaker 1: some counseling, a therapist to be able to talk through
Speaker 1: some of those issues, because if you're getting to this
Speaker 1: point where you might need to open up a separate
Speaker 1: savings account and keep it hidden, then that is an
Speaker 1: indicator of there might be some other things that we
Speaker 1: need to talk about and explore here. So I'm not
Speaker 1: saying forever and always keep this hidden and do the
Speaker 1: same thing that the spouse is doing, but know that
Speaker 1: you are moving towards protection of self in this and
Speaker 1: continue to operate in protection and wisdom at each next step. Yeah,
Speaker 1: you can absolutely and should absolutely be open with your
Speaker 1: partner and say, I have my own savings account, I'm
Speaker 1: transferring money regularly into it to save for YadA YadA.
Speaker 1: And so if everything is great, you have the saving account,
Speaker 1: you're saving for whatever in it, whatever you want, um,
Speaker 1: and you just have it just in case. It's on
Speaker 1: your social Security number. You know the password, YadA YadA,
Speaker 1: so it's it's yours just in case something happens, like
Speaker 1: God forbid, your partner dies and there's a problem accessing
Speaker 1: immediate funds, then you have all of your own stuff
Speaker 1: for immediate access. Yeah, there's a lot of reasons to
Speaker 1: have at least both names, if not each person having
Speaker 1: an account. Again, that's a whole other situation I've seen
Speaker 1: before where one spouse is not on any of the accounts. Uh.
Speaker 1: Sometimes not ill motive or malice in it, just it
Speaker 1: just didn't happen. And yes, there's no access to funds
Speaker 1: then in an emergency situation. So that's just a good
Speaker 1: idea across on the board. Set up your beneficiaries on
Speaker 1: your account and put whoever you want as the beneficiary
Speaker 1: and you can alleviate that problem. But yeah, sometimes it
Speaker 1: gets forgotten. And setting up automatic transfer again, this is
Speaker 1: one of those tips that is worthwhile regardless of the
Speaker 1: situation that you find yourself in. When you have a
Speaker 1: savings account, when you have investing accounts, setting up that
Speaker 1: automatic transfer, even if it is a low amount, so
Speaker 1: that you know regularly money is being put there and
Speaker 1: that can give peace of mind. Yeah, and then and next,
Speaker 1: something everyone should do, no matter what kind of relationship
Speaker 1: you're in, is have a raw IRA or a traditional
Speaker 1: I array for yourself and be putting as much money
Speaker 1: into it every month as feasibly possible. And so this
Speaker 1: is something you should do whether you are I mean,
Speaker 1: you know, you're like, I'm never even a spouse, they're great,
Speaker 1: They're much better than me, or you're like, this is rocky,
Speaker 1: I'm not sure, like how this is going to go
Speaker 1: or whatever. Everyone needs their own ira because the maximum
Speaker 1: contributions are so low that really it makes sense for
Speaker 1: both spouses to have one. And if you are a
Speaker 1: non working spouse, you are still eligible for a roth
Speaker 1: ira as long as you are married, filing jointly or
Speaker 1: I believe possibly had a household. You'll have to check
Speaker 1: me on that, but non working spouses are eligible for
Speaker 1: rath ira, so you should have one. Everyone should have
Speaker 1: their own. I Ray mic drop and that's what it is.
Speaker 1: And hopefully you feel seen, equipped, given the tools that
Speaker 1: you need to have conversations that might be difficult, but
Speaker 1: starting at the relational level and then moving to action.
Speaker 1: And if your situation goes deeper than I just wish
Speaker 1: my husband didn't, you know, by so many snacks and
Speaker 1: it is, there's more layers of concern. You are also seen,
Speaker 1: and there's no shame there and there is help and
Speaker 1: there are things within your control that you can do
Speaker 1: and get a part of the community within your your
Speaker 1: network that can help to provide you the support that
Speaker 1: you need. You're not alone in it, and hopefully some
Speaker 1: of these very simple tips can help in those first
Speaker 1: few steps to be able to move towards well being
Speaker 1: for all of you. And you know what the next
Speaker 1: step is here now that we've said all of that,
Speaker 1: and it's a necessary step no matter where you are
Speaker 1: in your relationship, but especially if you're where Jill and
Speaker 1: I are. The Bill, that's right, it's time for the
Speaker 1: best minute of your entire week. Maybe a baby was
Speaker 1: born and his name is William. Maybe you paid off
Speaker 1: your mortgage. Maybe your car died and you're happy to
Speaker 1: not have to pay that bill anymore. Duck bills, Buffalo bills,
Speaker 1: Bill Clint, this is the bill of the week. Hi,
Speaker 1: this is Kelly and I am a fairly new listener
Speaker 1: to your podcast. I was listening to the episode about
Speaker 1: saving money on coffee, which I desperately need to do,
Speaker 1: and I was heard your cry for a Bill Curtis.
Speaker 1: And I do have an uncle, Bill Curtis. He is
Speaker 1: my mom's younger brother. He's the youngest of eight kids,
Speaker 1: and he is recovering from a major stroke that he
Speaker 1: had about three years ago. And I'm just so proud
Speaker 1: of his recovery. So thanks for hearing my story about
Speaker 1: my favorite Bill uncle Bill Curtis. I think I might.
Speaker 1: I think I'm about to cry. I think tears are
Speaker 1: like welling up inside of favor. So I'm like so
Speaker 1: happy for you, Kelly. I'm so happy for you Jen
Speaker 1: like you beside yourself, Kelly and Uncle Bill Curtis. I'm
Speaker 1: so thrilled that you are recovering from this stroke. I
Speaker 1: am so so thrilled, and may you continue to experience recovery.
Speaker 1: We want all the best for you Bill, Mr Bill Curtis,
Speaker 1: and Kelly, thank you so much for seeing me. I
Speaker 1: feel seen in this episode now and bringing this, bringing
Speaker 1: this beautiful Bill to our episode. Yank you. Wow, Kelly,
Speaker 1: you really brought it. It's a person. It's inspiring. He's
Speaker 1: an uncle. We all know there's there are uncles out
Speaker 1: there named Bill and Bill Curtis. Mind you. Everyone everyone
Speaker 1: gets something with that. Bill. Thanks so much, Kelly. If
Speaker 1: you all listening, I these just keep getting better and better.
Speaker 1: I don't know if you can top it. I don't
Speaker 1: know if you can do heartwarming and amazing and funny
Speaker 1: and but but give it a try. Submit your blush,
Speaker 1: you know, Bill Curtis and you get him to call
Speaker 1: in a bill. I will pass out. She will pass out.
Speaker 1: I don't know if I can handle that, but I'm
Speaker 1: here for it. I will be here for it. Visit
Speaker 1: Frugal Friends podcast dot com, slash bill, leave us a bill,
Speaker 1: and now it's time for round. Oh, so this one
Speaker 1: is our vulnerable round. It's vulnerable like lightning. Vulnerability, lightning,
Speaker 1: like standing outside in the lightning storm with the umbrella vulnerable.
Speaker 1: That's this, um. So, the question today is are you
Speaker 1: the frugal or non frugal partner in your relationship? And
Speaker 1: I didn't put this on the question, but prove it.
Speaker 1: We know this for each other, but we want you
Speaker 1: guys listening to know. So um and hashtag prove it. Okay,
Speaker 1: you all probably know, especially if you've been listening for
Speaker 1: a long time. I am the more frugal partner in
Speaker 1: my relationship with my husband Eric. He's amazing. We are
Speaker 1: married ten years and we have discovered how to care
Speaker 1: for and value each other well, and we've got those
Speaker 1: check ins and money conversation shans and how we're going
Speaker 1: to go about this down I mean not saying it's
Speaker 1: flawless or perfect but thankfully it is going it's going
Speaker 1: better and better. We sometimes hit the snacks. Here's how
Speaker 1: I'm going to prove it. There was a time when
Speaker 1: I made an online purchase with our credit card. Eric
Speaker 1: was out of the house. He gets a phone call
Speaker 1: because it's his phone number that's attached to the you know,
Speaker 1: the main contact of the credit card. Both of our
Speaker 1: names are on the credit card, though, but it's his
Speaker 1: number that's first listed. So he gets a phone call saying,
Speaker 1: we think your card has been compromised? Would you like
Speaker 1: to cancel it? And he's like, well, what was the charge?
Speaker 1: And it was this online retailer and he's like, yeah, no,
Speaker 1: I think I can say without a shadow of a doubt,
Speaker 1: that's a fraudulent charge. Please go ahead and cancel it.
Speaker 1: And then I try and make another purchase on the
Speaker 1: card and find that the card has been canceled. It's
Speaker 1: it's closed out, And I call him. I'm like, what's
Speaker 1: go went on? Do you know what's going on with
Speaker 1: credit card? He's like, yeah, there was this weird charge,
Speaker 1: so I had them cancel. I'm like, and you didn't
Speaker 1: check in with me? He's like no, because I know
Speaker 1: you just you don't. You don't shop online. You don't
Speaker 1: do that, and and and I had it was like
Speaker 1: the one time when it made sense to me. I
Speaker 1: was sitting on my couch. I didn't want to drive
Speaker 1: to the store, so I made the purchase. He didn't eat.
Speaker 1: So here's my proof that a charge was made on
Speaker 1: the credit card. He didn't make it, so he just assumed, oh, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's fraudulent. I'm going to cancel the credit card. Oh
Speaker 1: gonna That ended up being quite a fiasco because then
Speaker 1: we needed to get a refund and the refund went
Speaker 1: back on that card, but because the card was canceled,
Speaker 1: we just like ended up never getting that money back
Speaker 1: because it was that canceling of the credit card was
Speaker 1: quite a headache. But the main part of my story
Speaker 1: is that's my proof that I'm more frugal, because he
Speaker 1: was like, no, clearly, Jill never spends money. I'm gonna
Speaker 1: go ahead and cancel the card because someone else is
Speaker 1: using it. And that's how we know. That is a
Speaker 1: great and the fact that Eric WinCE wanted an indoor
Speaker 1: water feature like that is something he legitimately as. It's
Speaker 1: so funny because I'm not cheap, I am willing to
Speaker 1: spend where it makes logical sense to me, Like I'm
Speaker 1: not going to take advantage of people. I'm not afraid
Speaker 1: to spend money, but I don't often find myself in
Speaker 1: positions where I need to do that. But I also
Speaker 1: am willing to like buy the plane tickets, do the adventure,
Speaker 1: get a gift. But there are just certain categories where
Speaker 1: you won't. Yeah, you won't find me at Target, you
Speaker 1: won't find me in the dollar section there. You're not
Speaker 1: going to find me. Just spend in just to spend. Yes,
Speaker 1: I will agree with that, all right, Jen, I know
Speaker 1: what you are, but but share. Okay, So I wouldn't
Speaker 1: say I'm the non frugal partner, but I will say
Speaker 1: I am the less frugal partner. And it is only
Speaker 1: because my frugality pales in comparison to Travis's frugality, which
Speaker 1: borderlines on cheap, possibly homeless. He is so, oh my gosh,
Speaker 1: how can I narrow down the stories? I mean, just
Speaker 1: yesterday he brought home a dresser that he found on
Speaker 1: the side of the road. And I love to drink coffee,
Speaker 1: and Travis, oh, here's one. So we went on a cruise.
Speaker 1: Travis does not drink alcohol because he doesn't like to
Speaker 1: pay for it. But when you buy him a drink,
Speaker 1: he also doesn't like a lot of the taste of alcohol,
Speaker 1: but he will accept an alcoholic beverage from you if
Speaker 1: you buy it for him and the people at our table,
Speaker 1: but the drink package and they couldn't use it all.
Speaker 1: You both have to, like, not just one person in
Speaker 1: the room can buy it. Both people in the room
Speaker 1: have to buy it. So they had to go, like
Speaker 1: thirty drinks a day, like that was their max, and
Speaker 1: they were not going to use that, and so they
Speaker 1: were buying us drinks. And they bought Travis a pina
Speaker 1: colada and it is his new favorite drink. But he said,
Speaker 1: I think the reason like, I think the only reason
Speaker 1: I liked it so much because it was free. He
Speaker 1: wouldn't even admit to just like really loving it. He
Speaker 1: had to stipulate that part of the reason why he
Speaker 1: loved it was because it was free. And what's your
Speaker 1: reason for liking it, for liking alcohol? I just like it.
Speaker 1: So there you go. So that's the proof he likes
Speaker 1: it's because it's free, and you like it because it's alcohol. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I will buy alcohol. It is one of my core values.
Speaker 1: It goes community achievement, alcohol, Oh man, but we die,
Speaker 1: we digress very response. So I will spend I will
Speaker 1: spend money on that, and he doesn't get it because
Speaker 1: it costs money. He's like, why wouldn't you just get water?
Speaker 1: It's free, m So fair point, Travis. Yeah, so that's
Speaker 1: and there are countless stories. Those are just the ones
Speaker 1: that happened last two weeks. Oh yeah, I love that
Speaker 1: you've got. You've got them locked and loaded for all
Speaker 1: the examples, and yes, I have seen firsthand. It's funny.
Speaker 1: We've got such a pendulum. All of us collectively, the
Speaker 1: four of us together are all very much more so
Speaker 1: on the side of very conscious about spending and quite
Speaker 1: values based and and frugal in our own right. And
Speaker 1: it goes Travis being the most frugal to you Jen
Speaker 1: to then me, to then Eric. So even though I'm
Speaker 1: more frugal than Eric, you're more frugal than me and
Speaker 1: Travis thy just like right in a row. But there's
Speaker 1: speed a minute, and that's what I and I think
Speaker 1: we can all value where each other is and laugh
Speaker 1: at when it goes awry. Oh well, let us know
Speaker 1: what you are, what your personality money personality type is,
Speaker 1: how these conversations go with your spouse. If you've got
Speaker 1: any other tips, and thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 1: Many of you know we have a private community where
Speaker 1: we do monthly money challenges. Sometimes it includes talking with
Speaker 1: spouses about this type of thing, and we offer accountability groups.
Speaker 1: And we want to congratulate one of our members for
Speaker 1: a big win. This one is Tenaya E, who said,
Speaker 1: I have never negotiated a bill before. I've never had
Speaker 1: the capital to be in the position to negotiate, nor
Speaker 1: have I ever known it was a thing that I
Speaker 1: could do. At one point in the Spending Symposium, that's
Speaker 1: our virtual event that we do annually, which was so fun,
Speaker 1: one of the speakers talked about negotiating their first medical bill.
Speaker 1: I had an epiphany about this and was facing more
Speaker 1: than two thousand dollar bill for my daughter's gastronomy procedure.
Speaker 1: I have yet to meet my deductible for the years,
Speaker 1: so I was forced to pay the entire amount out
Speaker 1: of pocket. Since I heard I could negotiate, I asked
Speaker 1: the billing lady what my options were. Since I offered
Speaker 1: to pay the bill in full, they offered me a
Speaker 1: twenty percent discount for the entire bill. I put the
Speaker 1: whole amount of my credit card and paid off the
Speaker 1: credit card the next day. From my savings. I also
Speaker 1: got two percent cash back on all purchases, so the
Speaker 1: dollar bill gave me an additional thirty dollars back in
Speaker 1: my rewards account. And because I have the h s A,
Speaker 1: the payment was made with tax re money. Yeah. Oh
Speaker 1: my goodness, in that is that is hacking? Yeah? Just
Speaker 1: really being intentional and smart. Yes, And this was before
Speaker 1: she heard last week's episode on negotiating medical bills um
Speaker 1: and depth. So way to go, Tonya, so proud of you.
Speaker 1: Thanks everyone for listening. If you want to check out
Speaker 1: our monthly challenge community, head to Frugal Friends podcast dot
Speaker 1: com slash club and see what we've got coming up next.
Speaker 1: See you next time. By Frugal Friends is produced by
Speaker 1: Eric Sirian. I will say, sometimes it can feel and
Speaker 1: I don't want it to feel this way, but I
Speaker 1: recognize it, and so I think naming it is part
Speaker 1: of it. Even though Eric isn't a massive spender, I
Speaker 1: can feel like I'm harnessing or like holding back floodgates
Speaker 1: or kind of like whole, Like I need like I
Speaker 1: am responsible to kind of just like keep it reined in,
Speaker 1: because if not, it would potentially go haywire. Not that
Speaker 1: he would could spend outside of means, but maybe beyond
Speaker 1: what other savings or spending goals would allow. For like,
Speaker 1: if given permission, I think it could potentially be a frenzy.
Speaker 1: And I just feel this responsibility to like tether or
Speaker 1: rain in. I don't love that. Sometimes it feels like
Speaker 1: I'm holding multiple leashes and and I can't let them
Speaker 1: go because if I do, then it's gonna um be
Speaker 1: completely out of my control. But it sometimes sometimes it
Speaker 1: feels that way with the leash. I feel like if
Speaker 1: you let go of that though, Eric would experience that
Speaker 1: for like I'm month and then he would like be
Speaker 1: over it. So I like, your concerns are not without merit. Yeah,
Speaker 1: But I also think that you have taught him well
Speaker 1: enough over the years, and he's listened to enough episodes
Speaker 1: of the FRU Girlfriends podcast. But the thing is, the
Speaker 1: damage that he could do in a month is amazing.
Speaker 1: He's got some very expensive interests and hobbies between and
Speaker 1: and this. This has helped that a lot of the
Speaker 1: things that he purchases, and so he's a he's a
Speaker 1: researcher and he loves to look things up and learn things,
Speaker 1: and that's a that's valuable and there are many things
Speaker 1: ways that that benefits us. But I see that some
Speaker 1: of the flip side of that is that leads to
Speaker 1: them spending. When he is constantly researching, looking up, learning
Speaker 1: new things, it makes it gives him an awareness of
Speaker 1: what's out there that he might want. And so there's
Speaker 1: that's a double edged sword, which I'm grateful for in
Speaker 1: some regard, and sometimes I feel like I need to
Speaker 1: be part of the reining it in. But when it
Speaker 1: comes to renovating our house, it makes sense that yes
Speaker 1: he needs to buy these tools, Yes we need to
Speaker 1: buy these materials, and I'm grateful for that research and
Speaker 1: he finds the best deal and he does the thing,
Speaker 1: and I think renovations gives an outlet for that. But
Speaker 1: without the renovations, where will that go. I know that
Speaker 1: it needs an outlet. I know that he needs to
Speaker 1: be researching and buying. But like his interests are boding,
Speaker 1: r VS, music equipment, tools, Like we're not talking, you know,
Speaker 1: he just really enjoys collecting Pokemon cards, which I'm great,
Speaker 1: very grateful for that. I wouldn't love that if that
Speaker 1: was his ship. But it's it's quite amazing the things
Speaker 1: that he could find to spend money on. And I'm like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: that's really cool. You know that we can't buy our
Speaker 1: view right now, right right, we're both on the same
Speaker 1: page there. Well what if you he just like gets
Speaker 1: into stocks and index funds and sectors and he could
Speaker 1: reach research recreational sectors and see which on those index funds. Maybe, yeah, definitely,
Speaker 1: I think that could help that. It reminds me though
Speaker 1: of Travis with bringing home free stuff. I'm very thankful
Speaker 1: for it. I love second hand. I don't like to
Speaker 1: search for it myself, um, but I do prefer it.
Speaker 1: And Travis is always bringing home free stuff. Like the
Speaker 1: dresser was like, oh my god, are you in my head?
Speaker 1: I was literally looking for a dresser exactly like this.
Speaker 1: I was going to spend a hundred dollars on it,
Speaker 1: and you brought one into my house for free, and
Speaker 1: so thankful. But then like some of the stuff he
Speaker 1: brings in, we're never going to use more need and
Speaker 1: so it just becomes like a things that sit until
Speaker 1: we put them back where he found them. Oh, that's funny.
Speaker 1: That is so similar where I kind of feel like
Speaker 1: I'm holding back the reins on spending, and you feel
Speaker 1: like you're pushing out the please don't bring this, Please
Speaker 1: don't bring this into my home. It's very similarly what
Speaker 1: I'm doing. Yes, yeah, very thankful for it, and don't stop.
Speaker 1: But also there's a boundary line that's, um, yeah, it's great,
Speaker 1: don't stop until I say so. And on that note,
Speaker 1: we're stopping