Speaker 1: Welcome back to Behind the Bastards. I'm Robert Evans and
Speaker 1: this is part two of our episode on Kaiservillehelm the
Speaker 1: second um. Now, before we get into the episode, because
Speaker 1: I think it's important that you know about the bastardry
Speaker 1: being practiced by the hosts of the show, I need
Speaker 1: to tell everyone that Jamie Loftus is dipping popcorn into
Speaker 1: salad dressing. Okay, goddamn monster, I got fucking okay. First
Speaker 1: of all, yes, that is an well. I got dragged
Speaker 1: the last time I was on this show because I
Speaker 1: mentioned that I dipped bagels and catch up and there
Speaker 1: was all I said. That was fine. I'm okay with
Speaker 1: the popcorn dipping into dressing. I think you have like
Speaker 1: taste woods that need more I need I need. Yeah,
Speaker 1: oh right, yeah I have. Um note, I have poor
Speaker 1: people taste buds. I hope, I hope, very desperately Jamie,
Speaker 1: that this makes you less judgmental of the Kaiser, because
Speaker 1: I firmly believe that the millions he got killed in
Speaker 1: the trenches of Europe and you dipping your popcorn into
Speaker 1: salad dressing our equivalent crimes. They're okay, sir, I it's
Speaker 1: this is your Battle of the palm. This is not ideal.
Speaker 1: I would prefer to dip popcorn in soy sauce. There's
Speaker 1: no soy sauce here. I go for salad dressing. Dipping
Speaker 1: popcorn and soy sauce is your verdune. Here's the thing.
Speaker 1: I like to make dry food wet. I can't explain why.
Speaker 1: I'm sure it's a very fucked up motivation behind it.
Speaker 1: But when a food is dry, I'm like, let's moisten
Speaker 1: this up. Let's see what harribles. Horrible, It's good, horrible.
Speaker 1: I've never been so proud to be your friend, Jamie.
Speaker 1: Thank you so much. It actually I feel bad because
Speaker 1: I'm sure the salad dressing is stinky. But but never nevertheless,
Speaker 1: you're board. Yeah, there you go. Live your truth? Baby?
Speaker 1: Does this make you uncomfortable? I was just gonna say,
Speaker 1: speaking of living your truth, let's talk about what happens
Speaker 1: when a profoundly damaged young man and becomes the King
Speaker 1: of Germany and then gets a chance to live his truth.
Speaker 1: I've got his birth chart up, let's figure this out.
Speaker 1: Let's do it. What does it say about people of
Speaker 1: his astrological sign leeving the Imperial German military. Well, um,
Speaker 1: here's the thing. I did his natal chart, but that's
Speaker 1: a little too complicated. What everyone needs to know is
Speaker 1: he's an aquarious and uh inquiry and leaders. You know,
Speaker 1: they're positive traits, they're open minded, right, they're creative. He
Speaker 1: was an artist right there, free spirited, uh, negative traits,
Speaker 1: really bad stuff across the board off for leaders, Impulsive, unpredictable, inconsistent, extreme,
Speaker 1: and stubborn. So you know, it was foretold. I wouldn't
Speaker 1: call him open minded in any way, but a lot
Speaker 1: of that tracks. That's crazy. I feel like I'll get
Speaker 1: dragged more for invoking astrology than I will for dipping
Speaker 1: popcorn and salad dressing. And they're both horrible crimes against humanity,
Speaker 1: you know what, To each their own. I'm living a
Speaker 1: vile life over here now. The Reich that kaiserville Helm
Speaker 1: inherited had been built and largely managed by Otto von Bismarck,
Speaker 1: and above all else, Bismarck wanted peace. The system of
Speaker 1: alliances he crafted for Germany were essentially again, like I
Speaker 1: said that Era's version of mutually assured destruction, starting a
Speaker 1: war with Germany would mean fighting with Russia too, and
Speaker 1: Russia controlled a sixth of the planet's surface. This was
Speaker 1: a pretty good system. While at lasted Bismarck was a monster,
Speaker 1: but not a dumb man. Um knew what he was doing.
Speaker 1: But Wilhelm came to power with distinct and probably agonizing
Speaker 1: memories of his father's martial prowess and military victories. He
Speaker 1: had been insecure his entire life because of his arm
Speaker 1: and the complete lack of praise he received from hens Peter. Likewise,
Speaker 1: his wife in Bismarck, had succeeded in inculcating a deep
Speaker 1: antipathy of his parents and of England in him. Kaiserville
Speaker 1: Helm the second. A concise life describes the mind side.
Speaker 1: All of this resulted in once the young man came
Speaker 1: to power and was given the world's most powerful land
Speaker 1: army quote Prince Wilhelm's mindset on the threshold of succeeding
Speaker 1: to the throne was characterized by bellicose ambition and contempt
Speaker 1: for parliaments and political parties, indeed for civilians in general.
Speaker 1: Britain must be destroyed was his watchword, and he was
Speaker 1: already developing a passion for the idea of a strong
Speaker 1: German navy. But Paris, too had to be destroyed. He railed.
Speaker 1: Wilhelm was naturally very much in favor of war and
Speaker 1: hopes it will break out soon. General Walders noted with
Speaker 1: glee on twenty fifth January eighteen eight seven, under the
Speaker 1: latter's influence, the prince also advocated war with Russia, that
Speaker 1: young man once war with Russia and would like to
Speaker 1: draw his swords straight away if he could. Chancellor Bismarck
Speaker 1: recorded with Dismay in eighteen eighty eight. So, and to
Speaker 1: be clear, he doesn't come to power until he is
Speaker 1: nearly thirty years old. Um, is that right? So at
Speaker 1: this point where like this is no, yeah, yeah, he's
Speaker 1: a juvenile young boy who wants to have sex with
Speaker 1: his mother's hand. This is a grown ass, petty man
Speaker 1: who wants to have sex with his who wants to
Speaker 1: have sex with his mother's hand. Of course, Now, Bismarck
Speaker 1: was also deeply concerned about the young emperor's almost violent
Speaker 1: hatred of Jewish people. This was the result of the
Speaker 1: influence of one Adolf Vaughan Stoker, the court chaplain. Now.
Speaker 1: Stoker was a member of the Christian Socialist Movement, an
Speaker 1: anti Semitic far right party that also hated Catholics. Philhelm's
Speaker 1: parents and grandmother had all been disgusted by discrimination and
Speaker 1: had pushed to end it in their country, But Wilhelm
Speaker 1: wanted to blaze a new, much more racist path, and
Speaker 1: he was supported in this by the Prussian officer corps,
Speaker 1: who were also thoroughly bigoted. The Kaiser and his new
Speaker 1: allies wanted to keep the German race pure, stopped Jewish immigration,
Speaker 1: and remove Jews from positions in schools and public office.
Speaker 1: Before his ascension, Bismarck had rebuked the Prince for his
Speaker 1: support of anti Semitism. This sparked a passive aggressive battle
Speaker 1: between the two men. From vander Kiss's biography of Wilhelm,
Speaker 1: when Bismarck had articles published in the official press taking
Speaker 1: the religious conservatives to task for using Wilhelm, the latter
Speaker 1: wrote petulently to hints Peter that he did not deserve
Speaker 1: such treatment, as for the Chancellor's sake, he had for
Speaker 1: years locked myself out of my parents house. And about
Speaker 1: the same time, Wilhelm drafted a proclamation to the German
Speaker 1: princes which was to be published in the event of
Speaker 1: his session. Bismarck told him to burn it soaking Wilhelm
Speaker 1: replied that when he came to the throne, he would
Speaker 1: have all Jewish influence over the press. Stopped told that
Speaker 1: this would be a violation of the Constitution, Wilhelm said
Speaker 1: grandly that they would have to get rid of the
Speaker 1: Constitution as well. It sounds like, yeah, if you look
Speaker 1: up Kaiser Wilhelm Donald Trump, there's like a dozen different
Speaker 1: articles that different people have written about similarities between the
Speaker 1: two men um. I think, for one thing, I think
Speaker 1: that's I don't entirely agree with that for a number
Speaker 1: of reasons. One of them is that Wilhelm is an
Speaker 1: infinitely more sympathetic figure than Donald Trump. Um. But there
Speaker 1: are some similarities and that that that would definitely be
Speaker 1: one of them. Oh wow, there's a whole there's a
Speaker 1: whole goddamn New Yorker article. Yeah, there's a ton of
Speaker 1: articles about the similarities between the two men um. Well again, yeah.
Speaker 1: Wilhelm was fond of making these sorts of grand threats
Speaker 1: and pronouncements like the one he made against Russia and England. Fortunately,
Speaker 1: they rarely resulted in anything. He was easy to talk down,
Speaker 1: and he was liable to balk at the last minute
Speaker 1: from acting on any of his rhetoric, but the rhetoric
Speaker 1: itself had a damaging effect on international relations. Wilhelm deeply
Speaker 1: worried the rest of Europe when he made this pronouncement
Speaker 1: to the people of Germany after taking the crown. We
Speaker 1: were born to each other I in the army. We
Speaker 1: were born for each other, and will cleave indissolutely to
Speaker 1: each other, whether it be the will of God to
Speaker 1: send us to calm or storm. You will soon swear
Speaker 1: fealty and submission to me, And I promise ever to
Speaker 1: bear in mind from the world above the eyes of
Speaker 1: my forefathers looked down on me, and that I shall
Speaker 1: one day have to stand accountable for them for the
Speaker 1: glory and honor of the army. Also, why can't you
Speaker 1: have sex with your mother's hand? That should be now?
Speaker 1: The Kaiser no real military experience and no aptitude whatsoever
Speaker 1: for warfare, but he felt that he had to portray
Speaker 1: himself as a mighty war lord, in part because his
Speaker 1: father and grandfather had been mighty warlords. That was kind
Speaker 1: of pruscious whole deal. So to compensate for being just
Speaker 1: a dude with a bad arm, Billhelm collected an absurd
Speaker 1: amount of military uniforms. His cousin, the Queen of Romania,
Speaker 1: wrote that he changed his uniform several times a day
Speaker 1: as a smart woman changes her gown. Now, vanderkiss Her,
Speaker 1: I know it's about to get embarrassinger because vanderkiss book
Speaker 1: goes into detail about just how extensive Wilhelm's wardrobe really was.
Speaker 1: In addition to his much cherished foreign uniforms, he had
Speaker 1: a full one for every Prussian regiment over three hundred alone,
Speaker 1: to say nothing of those of Bavaria, Saxony, and Wurtemburg,
Speaker 1: as well as navel and marine uniforms all had their
Speaker 1: own individual badges, sashes, caps, helmets, epilepts, shoulder points, belts, swords, lances,
Speaker 1: and firearms. The resulting wardrobe and armory had to be
Speaker 1: housed in a hall containing huge wardrobes, with a camer
Speaker 1: diner on duty from onning tonight to select the shortest
Speaker 1: possible notice any outfit he might require. According to Anne Topham,
Speaker 1: his daughter's governess, he cut a fine figure in military dress,
Speaker 1: but in civilian clothes the effect was completely lacking. Many
Speaker 1: German gentlemen lost much appearance when out of uniform, but
Speaker 1: none to the extent that their emperor did. He no
Speaker 1: longer had any shred of dignity, and curiously enough, that
Speaker 1: charm of manner was also bereft of its influence, emerged
Speaker 1: into what was an offensive wearisome buffoonery. He was wise,
Speaker 1: she added, not to appear before his subjects except in uniform.
Speaker 1: Oh God, I like how he's He's just like, how
Speaker 1: could I possibly not be a war hero? Look at
Speaker 1: all nice shirts? Like You're like, yeah, that's not how
Speaker 1: that works. Pause. Pizza's here, so we're we're back. They
Speaker 1: received pizza in the room and Jamie and I are
Speaker 1: talking about all the articles comparing Kaiserville Helm to trump
Speaker 1: Um and uh. One of the things I noted is
Speaker 1: that like nobody ever really defends Kayserville. One of my
Speaker 1: one of my weird hobbies is I like to go
Speaker 1: on YouTube and I like to find collections of imperial
Speaker 1: Prussian and Imperial British and Imperial Russian. Uh, like court music,
Speaker 1: like military marches and stuff like that. And I like
Speaker 1: to read like comments. Very weird. Yeah, I like to
Speaker 1: read the comments because the comments are filled with monarchists,
Speaker 1: with people who like desperately want to return to monarchy
Speaker 1: in Europe. And they're all the saddest, dumbest people in
Speaker 1: the entire world, and it's it's I like to read
Speaker 1: their arguments between each other. But nobody ever defends the Kaiser. No,
Speaker 1: that's that's textually. I mean, commenters will defend almost anything.
Speaker 1: I like to go to the YouTube of like okay,
Speaker 1: not the okay what am I saying? Okay, where you're
Speaker 1: like looking for a specific song and so you search
Speaker 1: it on YouTube and then you accidentally scroll down to
Speaker 1: the comments and it's like something that's very depressing out
Speaker 1: of nowhere. I forget what song I was looking at. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but the top comment was like my husband died to
Speaker 1: this song and and it's nice that it's on YouTube
Speaker 1: dot com and it was like a dance song. But anyways,
Speaker 1: I love comments. A story there. Where's the Wilhelm Hive,
Speaker 1: Where's the will Hive? Yeah? They they are not not
Speaker 1: buzzing um because he was really bad at his job
Speaker 1: and even the dumbest people in the world monarchists can
Speaker 1: recognize that. Now. As his reign began, the Kaiser fell
Speaker 1: under the influence of a number of bad apples. Uh.
Speaker 1: There was the anti Semite Stoker who we already talked about.
Speaker 1: There was also Count Alfred Valan walder Cy, the deputy
Speaker 1: chief of the German General Staff. Now, he was a
Speaker 1: rapidly pro war nut funk who supported an immediate attack
Speaker 1: against both France and Russia. Um, like this was advice,
Speaker 1: we just invade them both simultaneously, right now? Um? Now,
Speaker 1: when Bismarck heard about the growing friendship between the Kaiser
Speaker 1: and walder Ce, he is said to have cried, alas,
Speaker 1: my poor grand children. So Bismarck, being a smart guy,
Speaker 1: pretty instantly realizes, like, oh ship, this dude is going
Speaker 1: to plunge the whole continent into a stupid, stupid war. Um, boy,
Speaker 1: was he right? He was not wrong. Like I said,
Speaker 1: Bismarck is a very is a visionary. He's he's a
Speaker 1: bad man, but he's a visionary and he clearly saw
Speaker 1: what was going to happen. I hate when the bad
Speaker 1: people are smart as well. Yeah, effectively bad. Yeah. I
Speaker 1: mean in Bismarck's defense, like he was just kind of
Speaker 1: kind of a sociopath, but he wasn't. Like his goals
Speaker 1: weren't dominate Europe and put all the Jews in camp.
Speaker 1: His goals were ensured Germany a place of prominence among
Speaker 1: nations and stop a massive European war. And he did
Speaker 1: gross and manipulative things to ensure that. But he wasn't
Speaker 1: trying to like make the world worse. He wasn't doing
Speaker 1: chaos for chaos's sake. Yeah, yeah, he wasn't like a yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: Like he just wants things to not break into a
Speaker 1: war and he wants in Germany to be popular. Okay,
Speaker 1: well he felt yeah, he definitely did. Didn't succeed in
Speaker 1: the long run. Now, Count Uhlenberg, the Kaiser's best friend
Speaker 1: and probable crush, also led to the Kaiser's break with Bismarck.
Speaker 1: The Kaiser demanded that Bismarck promote the Count to the
Speaker 1: position of Prussian envoy in Munich, which was a very
Speaker 1: important job. Now Bismarck balked at giving this job to
Speaker 1: an inexperienced friend of the Kings. The conflict between the
Speaker 1: two men very much embodied a greater conflict within German governance.
Speaker 1: A large chunk of the country, including Bismarck, wanted Germany
Speaker 1: to be a proper nation state with rules and laws
Speaker 1: and checks and balances. They weren't democrats, and I don't
Speaker 1: mean that like the American political sense, I mean like
Speaker 1: pro democracy sense, at least not all of them. But
Speaker 1: they didn't want an absolute monarchy where the Kaiser's will
Speaker 1: determined everything. The Kaiser, on the other hand, didn't really
Speaker 1: see why other people should have a say and how
Speaker 1: he ran Germany now. Bismarck warned the Kaiser that filling
Speaker 1: government posts with his buddies would lead to a situation
Speaker 1: wherein he couldn't actually trust any of his ministers to
Speaker 1: give him good information, because they'd all be toady's at worst,
Speaker 1: or his friends at best, and in any case, they
Speaker 1: wouldn't be trustworthy to actually speak the truth to him
Speaker 1: when the truth needed speaking. The Kaiser ignored Bismarck, and
Speaker 1: over the next few years the positions of the ministers
Speaker 1: and the reich Chancellor. Bismarck's job were demoted to what
Speaker 1: role calls royal lackeys. So yeah yeah. Throughout eighteen eighty
Speaker 1: eight and eighteen eighty nine, Bilhelm and Bismarck's relationship degraded.
Speaker 1: Things came to a head in eighteen eighty nine when
Speaker 1: a bunch of miners in the rural district went on
Speaker 1: strike for better working conditions now here hins Peter had
Speaker 1: what you would actually say as a positive influence. As
Speaker 1: odd as it sounds, Kaiser Villehelm instantly sided with the
Speaker 1: striking workers against their employers. Um. This caused another riff
Speaker 1: between him and Bismarck, because Bismarck's again a piece of shit,
Speaker 1: um chance Yeah, the the chancellor didn't give a funk
Speaker 1: about the workers and obviously cared mostly about steel production
Speaker 1: and his friends who ran the company's um. But you know,
Speaker 1: the Kaiser stood for the working people, and on May
Speaker 1: twelve he charged into a meeting the Prussian Ministry of
Speaker 1: State and declared that Bismarck was wrong for not acceding
Speaker 1: to their demands and declared the workers were his subjects
Speaker 1: whom he had to look after. All right, yeah, this
Speaker 1: is likely, Yeah, this one, this is good. Now Wilhelm
Speaker 1: got his way on the rear strike, for they're frustrating
Speaker 1: the Reich Chancellor. In the summer of eighteen eighty nine,
Speaker 1: he took his yacht out for his first cruise across
Speaker 1: Scandinavian waters. This became a yearly tradition when he kept
Speaker 1: up for decades. On his first outing, he brought valder
Speaker 1: C and Yuhlenberg with him. The latter was at least
Speaker 1: a sane person who didn't support wars of aggression with
Speaker 1: the rest of the world. But valder C was a
Speaker 1: racist nut fuck, and during their vacation he convinced the
Speaker 1: Kaiser that Bismarck was Jew ridden and had been conned
Speaker 1: into giving control of the Reich's monetary policy to a
Speaker 1: bunch of Jews. His crush, no, no, no, his crush
Speaker 1: is a pretty reasonable guy. This is that racist general
Speaker 1: who wants him to invade the entire world. The names
Speaker 1: are so confusing, Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, there's a lot.
Speaker 1: Valder C is the racist general, Uhlenberg is his. Now,
Speaker 1: so Waldersee convinces the Kaiser that Bismarck had been conned
Speaker 1: into giving control of the Reich's monetary policy to a
Speaker 1: bunch of Jews. This was a lie, but reality had
Speaker 1: very little influence on the Kaiser. Now, this month long
Speaker 1: annual cruise around the coast of Norway became one of
Speaker 1: the Kaiser's favorite things. And I have to read you
Speaker 1: vander kiss description of it because it sounds like the
Speaker 1: worst time you can have on a boat. The annual
Speaker 1: cruise or Nordland Rice, with its exclusively male company, allowed
Speaker 1: him the Kaiser, to indulge in practical jokes and boyish tomfoolery,
Speaker 1: like applying a foot to the backside of elderly aids
Speaker 1: de camp engaged in physical exercises. Its purpose was originally
Speaker 1: to give him a month long break from court life,
Speaker 1: but in due course his doctor decided it was counter productive,
Speaker 1: as he was physically and mentally upset by the long voyage, diet,
Speaker 1: and exhaustion of various kinds, and it did him more
Speaker 1: harm than good. His entourage soon tired of these cruises board,
Speaker 1: if not repelled by the juvenile atmosphere and behavior of
Speaker 1: the Kaiser and some of his officers, who loathed every
Speaker 1: childish prank and moment themselves, but were too sycophantic to
Speaker 1: say so. God, it sounds like it reminds me of
Speaker 1: like that documentary where Jim Carrey goes method, where you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: he's just a tyrant. He's been waiting his whole life
Speaker 1: to get people trapped in this in this enclosed setting
Speaker 1: to be horrible cool. Well, I'm glad you did Franks
Speaker 1: on the set of his You wanna you want to
Speaker 1: you want to go on a month long prank cruise
Speaker 1: with the King Boy with the with the King Boy
Speaker 1: who like has a god, imagine just having on a
Speaker 1: cruise with him and all of his demons. That's wild. Guarantee.
Speaker 1: He never didn't have an erection and he never knew
Speaker 1: what it was for. Well, they mean he's just walking
Speaker 1: around with a full erection all the time, Like, do
Speaker 1: you guys know what? This is? Just kicking people in
Speaker 1: the butt? I think, laughing hard as a kicking old
Speaker 1: people around what. Okay, well he is officially um you know, well,
Speaker 1: I mean he's just a bad He's a batman. He's
Speaker 1: a creatively bad man in this case. Yeah, really really
Speaker 1: punishing everyone around him in very specific ways. Yeah. Now,
Speaker 1: in January of eighteen ninety, Wilhelm told his Crown Council
Speaker 1: that he would celebrate his thirty first birthday with two
Speaker 1: new proclamations, one to protect working people and limit their
Speaker 1: labor hours, and another to call an international summit in
Speaker 1: Berlin to improve labor conditions across the continent. So that's
Speaker 1: pretty cool, right, yeah, labor crusader. I'm very surprised that
Speaker 1: he is like gunning for labor like this. He well,
Speaker 1: you know, one of the good things about hint Peter's
Speaker 1: he had taken him around to all these factories and
Speaker 1: minds and stuff when he was a kid. So the
Speaker 1: Kaiser had seen like how tough life was for working people,
Speaker 1: and he wasn't He's not like a sociopath or anything.
Speaker 1: He had empathy for these people. So he did care
Speaker 1: about people. Like he's not a monster. Um, he does
Speaker 1: monstrous things, but he's not a monster. Now Bismarck thought
Speaker 1: that the Kaiser's love of the working people was super dumb.
Speaker 1: The two fought over this, and another fight broke out
Speaker 1: in March of eighteen ninety when Bismarck entered into negotiations
Speaker 1: with the leader of the Center Party. He's like, why
Speaker 1: do you care about the poores? It's such a bad look.
Speaker 1: They're the pores, man, Come on, or what what are
Speaker 1: you going to get out of that? So Bismarck enters
Speaker 1: into negotiations with the leader of the Center Party, a
Speaker 1: guy named win Thorst, and their goal is to get
Speaker 1: rid of bigoted, anti Catholic legislation in Germany. So again
Speaker 1: Bismarck like is trying to fight against discrimination here. So
Speaker 1: none of these sides are are simple. Here. Bismarck hates
Speaker 1: working people but also hates discrimination. The Kaiser fights for
Speaker 1: the working man, but gets furious about removing this anti
Speaker 1: Catholic legislation because he's a bigot um. So they're just
Speaker 1: like a stalemate. Yeah. Now he's particularly pissed that this
Speaker 1: meeting between Bismarck and the leader of the Center Party
Speaker 1: had been organized by Bismarck's banker, who was a Jewish man. Now,
Speaker 1: to the Kaiser, this was confirmation that the Jews were
Speaker 1: secret running his empire via Bismarck. God damn it okay? Next,
Speaker 1: according to Kaiser ville Helm the Second a concise life.
Speaker 1: Early in the morning of fifteen March eighteen ninety, there
Speaker 1: took place one of the most highly charged scenes ever
Speaker 1: played out in Berlin's center of government, the wilhelm strassa
Speaker 1: Kaiser Willhelm the Second someon the seventy five year old
Speaker 1: Reich Chancellor from his bed and upbraided him for receiving Windthorst.
Speaker 1: He went on to a complain that Bismarck had dug
Speaker 1: out a dusty old cabinet order of eighteen fifty two
Speaker 1: that prevented the monarch from receiving ministers except in the
Speaker 1: presence of the Minister President. He pre emptorily demanded that
Speaker 1: the order to be rescinded, which Bismarck refused to do.
Speaker 1: Wilhelm later recounted that Bismarck had become so violent towards
Speaker 1: him that he was afraid the Chancellor would throw the
Speaker 1: inkstand at my head. After this dramatic quarrel, waldr ce
Speaker 1: urged the Kaiser in the presence of the chief of
Speaker 1: the military cabinet. The sack Bismarck forthwith the present state
Speaker 1: of affairs was quite untenable, he argued, and moreover, the
Speaker 1: Chancellor was too closely allied with the Jews. Bismarck first
Speaker 1: sent honk Is like military leader, and then the chief
Speaker 1: of the civil cabinet, Herman von Lucanus, to the Chancellor,
Speaker 1: ordering him to hand in his resignation, which Bismarck finally
Speaker 1: did on eighteenth March eighteen ninety. If waldersee Is one
Speaker 1: can safely assume expected to take Bismarck's place, he was
Speaker 1: in for a bitter disappointment. That same evening, bill Helm
Speaker 1: the Second announced the commanding generals assembled in the Berlinish
Speaker 1: loss that in order to remain master of the situation,
Speaker 1: he had to issue an order to the Chancellor insisting
Speaker 1: that he submit. So the Kaiser accepted Bismarck's letter of uh,
Speaker 1: you know, he's retired his retirement and made a guy
Speaker 1: named capri V who was a lick spittle, um, you know,
Speaker 1: the the new chancellor. So he he forces out the
Speaker 1: guy who like the political cartoons in Europe at this
Speaker 1: time are like, show the Kaiser on a boat kicking Bismarck,
Speaker 1: the pilot of the boat off of the ship. Um.
Speaker 1: And that's generally how this has seen. Germany has like
Speaker 1: jettisoned its pilot in favor of the dumbest monarch in Europe,
Speaker 1: the man. What a choice, What a choice. It's not great,
Speaker 1: it's not great. I mean, there's no win scenario, but
Speaker 1: they did seem to choose the losing er of the two.
Speaker 1: They definitely chose the losing ist scenario. But you you
Speaker 1: know what's not the losing scenario, Jamie, tell me the
Speaker 1: products and services that support this show. Oh, it's true.
Speaker 1: I love each and everyone, even especially the dick pills.
Speaker 1: The dick pills especially and one of the behind the bastards.
Speaker 1: Guarantees is that no more than seven percent of our
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Speaker 1: so that's a guarantee no other podcast will give you.
Speaker 1: That's a little wiggle room. That's nice. That's nice up
Speaker 1: to Okay, I'll crunch those numbers and then cancel you later.
Speaker 1: Al Right, here's some ants now with bis Mark out
Speaker 1: of Kayserville. Helm was the unquestioned chief power in Germany,
Speaker 1: and this was not a good thing. Phil Helm was
Speaker 1: bad at every aspect of a job, particularly diplomacy, and
Speaker 1: for years the most he had been four years a
Speaker 1: to anyone. Yeah. Now, he was convinced that his relation
Speaker 1: to the other crowned heads of Europe and his personal
Speaker 1: charisma would allow him to negotiate well with other nations.
Speaker 1: The New Yorker summarizes his talent for this part of
Speaker 1: the job. Thus, late quote, he called the diminutive King
Speaker 1: Victor Emmanuel the third of Italy the dwarf. In front
Speaker 1: of the king's own entourage, he called Prince later Csar
Speaker 1: Ferdinand of Bulgaria Ferdinando Nasso, on account of his beaky
Speaker 1: nose and spread rumors that he was a hermaphrodite. Since
Speaker 1: Philhelm was notably indiscreet, people always yeah. Since Wilhelm was
Speaker 1: notably indiscreet, people always knew what he was saying behind
Speaker 1: their backs. Ferdinand had his revenge after a visit to
Speaker 1: Germany in nine nine, during which the Kaiser slapped him
Speaker 1: on the bottom in public and then refused to apologize.
Speaker 1: Ferdinand awarded a valuable arms contract that had been promised
Speaker 1: to the Germans to a French company instead. One of
Speaker 1: the many things that Wilhelm was convinced he was brilliant at,
Speaker 1: despite all evidence to the contrary, was personal diplomacy, fixing
Speaker 1: foreign policy through one on one meetings with other European
Speaker 1: monarchs and statesman. This is one of the reasons people
Speaker 1: compare him to Trump a lot. In eighteen ninety, he
Speaker 1: let Laps a longstanding defensive agreement with Russia, the German
Speaker 1: empires vast and sometimes threatening eastern neighbor. He judged wrongly
Speaker 1: that Russia was so desperate for German goodwill that he
Speaker 1: could keep it dangling. Instead, Russia immediately made an alliance
Speaker 1: with Germany's western neighbor and enemy, France. A single negotiation
Speaker 1: that's nasty. It's bad. VILLELM decided he would charm and
Speaker 1: manipulate Zar Nicholas the Second, a ninny and a whimperer,
Speaker 1: according to Wilhelm, fit only to grow turnips into abandoning
Speaker 1: the alliance. In Nicholas told Wilhelm to get lost. The
Speaker 1: German Russian alliance withered. So he comes to power and
Speaker 1: within a couple of years scraps the alliance with Russia
Speaker 1: and Russia immediately allies with France, which means that Germany
Speaker 1: is now surrounded on both sides by enemies. So he
Speaker 1: went from Germany's entire flank to the east being totally
Speaker 1: protected by a military ally, to the nation being surrounded.
Speaker 1: He's so bad at this, it's crazy at how I did.
Speaker 1: Like the speed at which he's bad at it too,
Speaker 1: Like is he not even a slow burned like I
Speaker 1: do something shitty everyone Like he's just like expeditiously ruining everything. No,
Speaker 1: he is a more stupid, faster guy. Um very much so,
Speaker 1: the worst kind of person. Okay, Now, one good thing
Speaker 1: you can say for the Kaiser is that he was
Speaker 1: better than most modern governance that promoting gay people to
Speaker 1: positions of high authority. The downside of this is that
Speaker 1: these guys were all his friends and sycophants, and he
Speaker 1: almost certainly had no idea they were gay. His best
Speaker 1: friend Uhlenberg, of course, occupied high positions in the Reich,
Speaker 1: but there were too many rumors about him for him
Speaker 1: to be made chancellor. There were a number of like
Speaker 1: they were, like trials and like news stories that would
Speaker 1: come out. Um So the Kaiser promoted a dude named
Speaker 1: Buelow for the job. A letter Buelow wrote in July
Speaker 1: eight nine six shows that things within the German government
Speaker 1: had degraded exactly the way Bismarck predicted they would quote.
Speaker 1: I would be a different kind of chancellor from my predecessors.
Speaker 1: Bismarck was a power in his own right, a pipin
Speaker 1: a richelieu. Caprivi and Hohenlow regarded or regard themselves as
Speaker 1: the representatives of the government and to a certain extent
Speaker 1: of the parliament in relation to his majesty. I would
Speaker 1: regard myself as the executive tool of his majesty, so
Speaker 1: to speak, his political chief of staff. With me. Personal
Speaker 1: rule in the good sense would really begin. I'm picturing
Speaker 1: this is like an instagram caption Yeah, yeah, Pulo would
Speaker 1: have been tweeting sycophantically about his boss in this modern era.
Speaker 1: But he's like, he comes to power and immediately promises
Speaker 1: I'm going to do everything the Kaiser says and not
Speaker 1: represent the rest of the government in any way. Like
Speaker 1: that's his promise and these things, that's a good thing.
Speaker 1: In an eight letter to his mother, kaiserville Helm exulted
Speaker 1: in his ability to gradually wear down the government of
Speaker 1: Germany into acting as just an extension of his ego
Speaker 1: forever and ever. He exulted in the letter to his
Speaker 1: mother in there is only one real emperor in the world,
Speaker 1: and that is the German, regardless of his person in qualities,
Speaker 1: but by right of a thousand years tradition, and his
Speaker 1: chancellor has to obey God. Leave your if nothing else,
Speaker 1: leave your poor mother alone. Now you Lenberg, who'd put
Speaker 1: blow up for the job, because Uhlenberg, there were too
Speaker 1: many rumors about him being gay. Wrote the new chancellor
Speaker 1: this advice for working under Kaiser Wilhelm. And again I
Speaker 1: have to remind you this man loves Wilhelm right well,
Speaker 1: I mean Wilhelm the second takes everything personally, only personal
Speaker 1: arguments make any impression on him. He likes to give
Speaker 1: advice to others, but is unwilling to take it himself.
Speaker 1: He cannot stand boredom, ponderous, stiff, excessively thorough. People get
Speaker 1: on his nerves and cannot get anywhere with him. Billhelm
Speaker 1: the second wants to shine and decide everything himself. What
Speaker 1: he wants to do himself, unfortunately, often goes wrong. He
Speaker 1: loves glory. He is ambitious and jealous. To get him
Speaker 1: to accept an idea, one has to pretend that the
Speaker 1: idea came from him. Never forget that his majesty needs
Speaker 1: praise from time to time. He's the sort of person
Speaker 1: who becomes sullen unless he has given recognition from time
Speaker 1: to time by someone of importance. You will always accomplish
Speaker 1: whatever you wish, so long as you do not admit
Speaker 1: to express your appreciation. When his majesty deserves it, he
Speaker 1: is grateful for it, like a good clever child. If
Speaker 1: one remains silent when he deserves recognition, he eventually sees
Speaker 1: malevolence in it. We two will always carefully observe the
Speaker 1: boundaries of flattery. I mean, who among us has not
Speaker 1: worked for someone exactly like absolutely yes, I was working
Speaker 1: for someone like this two weeks ago. Yeah, Hollywood is
Speaker 1: thirty people like Wilhelm. Yeah, oh god, I mean, but
Speaker 1: the fact that that's like one of his closest friends,
Speaker 1: He's like, yeah, he's an absolute night marries, the worst
Speaker 1: person I know. But also he's my closest friend, so
Speaker 1: you know, I love him. Yeah, And the health insurance
Speaker 1: is great, so put up with it. Yeah. Now, Wilhelm
Speaker 1: had a bad reputation for basically aiding with whatever the
Speaker 1: last person he talked to had said. Since a number
Speaker 1: of his generals were warmongering racists, this was problematic. In
Speaker 1: eighteen ninety six, the Kaiser impulsively sent to congratulatory telegram
Speaker 1: to Paul Krueger of the Transvaal Republic South Africa for
Speaker 1: his victory over a British raiding party. This is like
Speaker 1: in the Bower War period. Now, the Boers are a
Speaker 1: Germanic people, and there was great sympathy for them within
Speaker 1: the Reich. But England was the world's pre eminent naval power,
Speaker 1: and by sending this message, the Kaiser provoked rage from
Speaker 1: a country he really needed to keep on his side,
Speaker 1: since he'd already alienated Russia. Um, so that's not a
Speaker 1: great move, like reaching out to the enemy of the
Speaker 1: greatest naval power in the world being like, good job
Speaker 1: killing some of their guys, Like it doesn't play well
Speaker 1: in England again, petty, petty dumb, petty dumb. Now there
Speaker 1: there were numerous other insults and slides like that. He
Speaker 1: was Kaiser for like twenty six years before the war,
Speaker 1: and this ship happened constantly. I'm just gonna you know,
Speaker 1: I'm giving you a couple of example. Well, so you
Speaker 1: know the sorts of ship he was up to. Bit
Speaker 1: by bit, Wilhelm alienated basically all of Germany's allies. His
Speaker 1: advisers and ministers, men like Buloh and Uhlenberg, proved unable
Speaker 1: to do anything but praise the Kaiser and hoped to
Speaker 1: calm him down and reduce his impulsive swings. They were
Speaker 1: often unsuccessful. In nineteen hundred, the Boxer rebellion in China
Speaker 1: led to the capture of a number of Europeans, including Germans,
Speaker 1: in the city of pe King. Most of Europe's great
Speaker 1: powers dispatched soldiers to deal with the situation. The Kaiser
Speaker 1: was late in doing so, and his men arrived too
Speaker 1: late to participate in the fight, but before they left,
Speaker 1: the Kaiser insisted on addressing them personally with a speech
Speaker 1: that made him the laughing stock of Europe. It ended
Speaker 1: like this, should you encounter the enemy, he will be defeated.
Speaker 1: No quarter will be given. Prisoners will not be taken.
Speaker 1: Whoever falls into your hands as forfeited. Just as a
Speaker 1: thousand years ago, the Huns under their king Attila made
Speaker 1: a name for themselves, one that even today makes them
Speaker 1: seem mighty in history and legend. May the name German
Speaker 1: be affirmed by you in such a way in China
Speaker 1: that no Chinese will ever again dare to look cross
Speaker 1: it at a German. Now you've heard of like how
Speaker 1: the Huns, like Germany were referred to as the Huns
Speaker 1: in like World War One propaganda by the British and
Speaker 1: the Americans and stuff. This speech is why this is
Speaker 1: the Huns speech is what people call it. So they
Speaker 1: were just getting they were just like roasting filam, indirectly exactly,
Speaker 1: but pretty directly. Actually, yeah, I guess that's not even
Speaker 1: a subtweet, because like this is seen as really silly.
Speaker 1: For one, thing like beating China in this period was
Speaker 1: not something to brag about like the European powers had
Speaker 1: machine guns and like modern battleships and military tactics, and
Speaker 1: the Chinese military just did not um and so it
Speaker 1: wasn't really a fight. Um. Also, the Germans arrived too
Speaker 1: late to participate in the fight. So this was both
Speaker 1: seen as like a man child pretending to be a warrior,
Speaker 1: but it was also seen as deeply worrying by the
Speaker 1: crowned heads of Europe, the other leaders of the European powers,
Speaker 1: because the Kaiser had Europe's most powerful army, and it's
Speaker 1: not comforting to hear him say this ship. It's like
Speaker 1: somebody with a huge gun collection talking about how he
Speaker 1: could carry out a school shooting if he wanted to.
Speaker 1: Be like, oh fuck, yeah, this this is a problem.
Speaker 1: Maybe I should call the police, but of course there's
Speaker 1: no police to call on the Kaiser. No. Don't you
Speaker 1: love when someone's above the law and therefore thousands of
Speaker 1: people have to die. But yeah, I'm so sorry. Yeah,
Speaker 1: millions nations worth? Okay, Now, speaking of the army, they
Speaker 1: were the only ones who really gained in power during
Speaker 1: Wilhelm's reign. He had a habit of promoting generals to
Speaker 1: ministerial positions. He liked being surrounded and consulted by them.
Speaker 1: His appointees included General Alfred von Schlieffen, a military tactician
Speaker 1: who developed an elaborate plan for how Germany could beat
Speaker 1: both Russia and France and a European war. Wasn't it
Speaker 1: like a five year plan? It was? What was the duration?
Speaker 1: It was very quick. It was very happened in a
Speaker 1: matter of months. So basically the idea was that you've
Speaker 1: got you're surrounded now because Wilhelm fucked up and made
Speaker 1: Russia an enemy, so Germany has to fight both ship
Speaker 1: in France at the same time. So Schleepen's idea was
Speaker 1: that the vast majority of the German's army, like two
Speaker 1: or three million men would invade and conquer Paris very quickly.
Speaker 1: Um and then you know, a small chunk of the
Speaker 1: German army would hold off the Russian army in the
Speaker 1: east until the rest of the army could be freed
Speaker 1: up and sent by rail to go fight the Russians.
Speaker 1: The only way for them to beat France quickly was
Speaker 1: to bypass France's fortresses and like uh like defensive line
Speaker 1: on the German French border. And invade through Belgium. Now,
Speaker 1: this would necessitate Germany break like basically Belgium's and neutral power.
Speaker 1: So this would like necessitate Germany launch a war of
Speaker 1: aggression against a neutral power. And Britain had an agreement
Speaker 1: with Belgium that they would defend them from this sort
Speaker 1: of thing. So basically the nature of the Schleepen plan
Speaker 1: essentially guaranteed that Britain would get involved in a war
Speaker 1: between France and Germany. Um so it's not a great plan.
Speaker 1: It's a very detailed and elaborate plan, but it's not
Speaker 1: a good idea DIA and it's just like dot com article.
Speaker 1: He's like, all right, here's what I want to do,
Speaker 1: and everyone's like, um, well, at least he came up
Speaker 1: with a plan. I mean, you could argue that it
Speaker 1: was the best possible plan in the impossible situation that
Speaker 1: Germany no, no, no, But like if you like, if
Speaker 1: you have to try to beat Russia a sixth of
Speaker 1: the world and France, the second largest military power in
Speaker 1: Europe simultaneously, there's really no good way to do that.
Speaker 1: And in in Schleifen's defense, this actually came very close
Speaker 1: to working. Like Germany almost won World War One very
Speaker 1: early on. They didn't in everything else that happened, have
Speaker 1: you had to come to Schlepen's defense. In this way,
Speaker 1: it's more just pointing out, like I think it's important
Speaker 1: to note how powerful the German army was. The German
Speaker 1: army essentially on its own because Austria Hungary was useless
Speaker 1: and their allies, the Italians, turned their backs on them
Speaker 1: almost immediately. So Germany on their own own conquered a
Speaker 1: huge chunk of France, beat Russia, beat Romania, and conquered
Speaker 1: the majority like almost one a war against the entire world.
Speaker 1: And that's the force that this guy inherits, this like
Speaker 1: young man with anger problems. So it's it's it's less
Speaker 1: like a guy with a gun collection and a guy
Speaker 1: with a new collection. Um like he's he that's the
Speaker 1: power of the army that he he gets as birthright,
Speaker 1: which maybe means you shouldn't get armies by birthright. Now
Speaker 1: there's now there's something to think about. Hold on a second, Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: so uh, it's a bad it's a bad idea. So basically,
Speaker 1: the Sleeping Plan means that by necessity, there would be
Speaker 1: no defensive wars for Germany under the Kaiser. So another
Speaker 1: general close to the Kaiser was Helm with fun Moltka.
Speaker 1: Moltka was one of the relatively few people who was
Speaker 1: brave enough to criticize kaiserville Helm to his face. The
Speaker 1: cause of his ire in the first case was the
Speaker 1: annual German war games, particularly the fact that every year
Speaker 1: they were arranged so that the Kaiser would win no
Speaker 1: matter what he did. Von moltkea was convinced that the
Speaker 1: next European war would be an enormous, bloody affair consisting
Speaker 1: of millions of men and entire nations at arms. He
Speaker 1: did not think set piece war games like Germany practice
Speaker 1: were adequately preparing her for this sort of conflict. And
Speaker 1: I'm gonna quote a passage now from von Moltka's memoires,
Speaker 1: and this is him talking to the Kaiser. And when
Speaker 1: I now look at the strategic war game plans which
Speaker 1: are put before your majesty year after year, regularly ending
Speaker 1: with the taking prisoner of enemy armies consisting of five
Speaker 1: or six hundred thousand men, and that too after only
Speaker 1: a few days of operations, I cannot avoid the feeling
Speaker 1: that this in no way meets the conditions of war.
Speaker 1: I cannot engage in such war games. Your Majesty knows
Speaker 1: yourself that the army is led by you, regularly encircled
Speaker 1: the enemy, and in this way allegedly in the war
Speaker 1: with one blow. In my opinion, these results can only
Speaker 1: be brought about by forcefully distorting circumstances in such a
Speaker 1: way that the basic principle that the war games should
Speaker 1: be a study for real war and should take into
Speaker 1: a out all the friction and obstacles that arise in
Speaker 1: war is not met. This kind of war game, in
Speaker 1: which to a certain extent your Majesty's enemy is at
Speaker 1: your mercy with his hands tied from the outset, must
Speaker 1: give rise to false ideas which can only be pernicious
Speaker 1: when war comes. But in my view this is not
Speaker 1: the worst part of it. I hold it to be
Speaker 1: even more disturbing that the distorted war games have the
Speaker 1: effect of destroying their interest. For the wide circle of
Speaker 1: officers involved, everybody has the feeling that it doesn't matter
Speaker 1: what you do. A higher destiny controls the business and
Speaker 1: brings it one way or another to the desired conclusion.
Speaker 1: Your Majesty will have noticed that it becomes increasingly difficult
Speaker 1: to find officers who want to exercise command against you.
Speaker 1: This is because everyone says, I'll only be wiped off
Speaker 1: the map. However, what I complain about most, and what
Speaker 1: I must say to your Majesty, is that because of
Speaker 1: all this, the officer's confidence in their supreme commander is
Speaker 1: severely shaken. The officers say that the Kaiser is much
Speaker 1: too clever not to notice how everything is arranged, and
Speaker 1: that he shall turn out to win, so that must
Speaker 1: be the way he wants it now. The Kaiser express
Speaker 1: shocked to that things had been arranged this way, and
Speaker 1: claimed to have no idea that the war games he
Speaker 1: took part in every year were rigged. Honestly. Yeah, I
Speaker 1: think he's just deluded. Yeah, I think that he. I mean,
Speaker 1: it's like, given his upbringing and the fact that just
Speaker 1: no one has ever pointed anything out to him in
Speaker 1: his entire life, like it tracks that he's like, wait
Speaker 1: a second, I'm not fucking the coolest person that's ever.
Speaker 1: I'm not the best military leader in history, especially at
Speaker 1: this point where he's been in charge for so long too,
Speaker 1: Like no one has negged him in decades. Yeah, not
Speaker 1: since Hince Peter, Yeah exactly. Uh yeah, And that a
Speaker 1: great thing. From an early age, Wilhelm the Second had
Speaker 1: been obsessed with warships like most boys, But unlike most boys,
Speaker 1: he came up to own a nation, and he was
Speaker 1: able to indulge in his obsession with naval boats. This
Speaker 1: quickly became a problem. See England's thing was being the
Speaker 1: best at having a navy. Since they were a tiny
Speaker 1: country with a very tiny army, the Royal Navy was
Speaker 1: really the only thing that ensured Great britain safety. Germany
Speaker 1: was the unquestioned military master of Europe, and the only
Speaker 1: reason that Britain didn't worry more was that they had
Speaker 1: naval supremacy. But in eighteen ninety seven Wilhelm made an
Speaker 1: admiral named Alfred von Turpet's the secretary of the Navy. Now,
Speaker 1: his reasons for this were simple. Turpets was good at
Speaker 1: praising the Kaiser and making him feel included in naval decisions.
Speaker 1: Turpets had realized on their first meeting that the Kaiser
Speaker 1: quote did not live in the real world, and had
Speaker 1: discovered that he could very easily manipulate the Emperor by
Speaker 1: painting a lurid picture of a gallant and unstoppable high
Speaker 1: seas fleet. In eight seven, the year after the Kaiser's
Speaker 1: disastrous Krueger Telegram where he praised people for killing British soldiers,
Speaker 1: Germany passed its first naval bill, announcing a massive expansion
Speaker 1: of the fleet. Coming a year after the Kaiser praised
Speaker 1: one of Britain's enemies for defeating her soldiers, this was
Speaker 1: not seen as a friendly move all right. According to
Speaker 1: John sat a professor at the University of Virginia, the
Speaker 1: Kaiser often indignantly denied that Germany was challenging Britain's domination
Speaker 1: of the seas, but there is clear evidence that this
Speaker 1: was in fact the aim of Admiral Alfred von Turpets,
Speaker 1: whom he had made Secretary of the Navy in eighteen
Speaker 1: ninety seven. When in nineteen o four Britain settled its
Speaker 1: outstanding disputes with France, the Kaiser, at Bulow's suggestion, went
Speaker 1: to Tangier the following year to challenge France's position in
Speaker 1: Morocco by announcing German support from Iroccan independence. His hopes
Speaker 1: of thereby showing that Britain was of no value as
Speaker 1: an ally to France were disappointed at the nineteen o
Speaker 1: six Algiers Conference, in which the Germans were forced to
Speaker 1: accept French predominance over Morocco. In nineteen o eight, William
Speaker 1: caused great excitement in Germany by giving, after a visit
Speaker 1: to England, a tackless interview to the Daily Telegraph, telling
Speaker 1: his interviewer that large sections of the German people were
Speaker 1: anti English. He had sent the text beforehand to Buelow,
Speaker 1: who had probably neglected to read it, and who defended
Speaker 1: his master very lamely in the Reichstag. This led will
Speaker 1: Help to play a less prominent role in public affairs,
Speaker 1: and feeling that he had been betrayed by Buelow, he
Speaker 1: replaced him with Theovold Bond Bethman. Holwig beth Man's attempts
Speaker 1: to reach agreement with Britain failed because Britain would not
Speaker 1: promised neutrality in a war between Germany and France unless
Speaker 1: Germany would limit its fleet. This, the Kaiser interprets refused
Speaker 1: to do. So, there's a chance to stop Britain from
Speaker 1: coming in against Germany and World War One, but he
Speaker 1: has to not build a shipload of boats. And the
Speaker 1: Kaiser really wants a shipload of toy boats, I mean,
Speaker 1: and he's one, and and again. You can track that
Speaker 1: way the funk back. His man loves his boats. He
Speaker 1: loves his fucking boats. Jesus. Now, that Moroccan crisis that
Speaker 1: was talked about in the quote above very nearly resulted
Speaker 1: in World War One breaking out in nineteen o six,
Speaker 1: and in that case, the Kaiser and everyone were lucky
Speaker 1: that cooler heads were able to pull Europe's fat out
Speaker 1: of the fire. But the fact that things had gotten
Speaker 1: that close was evidence that the Kaiser's utter lack of
Speaker 1: competent ministers and gut focused foreign policy was basically the
Speaker 1: world's deadliest game of dice. The series of bad decisions
Speaker 1: that would lead the world into blood soaked calamity started
Speaker 1: in nineteen o nine, when Austria Hungary announced the formal
Speaker 1: annexation of Bosnia and Hurtzgovina. These provinces had been administered
Speaker 1: by Vienna since eighteen seventy eight, but they were formerly
Speaker 1: part of the Ottoman Empire. When the Young Turk rebellions
Speaker 1: swept the Ottoman Empire and imposed a constitution on the Sultan,
Speaker 1: Austria Hungary saw it as a chance to write what
Speaker 1: they saw as a historical wrong. Now the Ottoman Empire
Speaker 1: was allied with Germany, and that alliance was one of
Speaker 1: Wilhelm's very few successes. But the Kaiser was unhappy with
Speaker 1: the Young Turk Revolution because the constitution they forced on
Speaker 1: the Sultan was made an imitation of Great Britain, and
Speaker 1: Wilhelm took offense to this, backing Austria Hungary in This
Speaker 1: was an odd decision, especially given the fact that one
Speaker 1: of Wilhelm's later schemes was to try and win the
Speaker 1: Muslim world over to his banner. And we're gonna talk
Speaker 1: about that Before we talk about how Kaiser Wilhelm tried
Speaker 1: to win over the Muslims. Let's talk about how these
Speaker 1: products and services are going to try to win over
Speaker 1: year dollars. Smooth transition as usual, Robbert may maybe my best. Yeah, products,
Speaker 1: we're back now. We're talking about Kaiser Wilhelm's attempt to
Speaker 1: make all the Muslims love him. Uh that that may
Speaker 1: seem weird, but there's logic behind it. See, the British
Speaker 1: Empire ruled a huge chunk of the Muslim world in
Speaker 1: the French Empire did as well, and most of those
Speaker 1: Muslims were unhappy with this fact. If Wilhelm could earn
Speaker 1: their loyalty. He thought it would provide him with another
Speaker 1: weapon to use against England. Friendship with the Ottomans also
Speaker 1: helped counter Germany's isolation, which was only a thing because
Speaker 1: ville Helms sucked at diplomacy. He said, this, and the
Speaker 1: present very tense circumstances, when we stand almost alone in
Speaker 1: the face of great coalitions which are being formed against us,
Speaker 1: our last trump card is Islam and the Mohammedan world.
Speaker 1: So Wilhelm saw the young Turks and their Anglo friendliness
Speaker 1: as an attack on his hard won courtship of their empire,
Speaker 1: so he threw them under the bus to support Austria
Speaker 1: Hungary's ambitions. This trend of supporting Austria Hungary, regardless of
Speaker 1: what it did, would prove to be all of Europe's undoing,
Speaker 1: As Rolls Biography notes, from then onwards, Kaiser Villehelm ardently
Speaker 1: supported his allies initiative, and as usuable overshot the mark
Speaker 1: in his martial Enthusiasm on the possibility of war between
Speaker 1: Austria Hungary and Serbia loomed, he exclaimed, if only it
Speaker 1: would start. He was fully aware of the danger that
Speaker 1: Germany could be drawn into a war against France and
Speaker 1: Russia by a Balkan conflict. Thirteen years earlier, on November eight,
Speaker 1: Philhelm the second had assured the Austro Hungarian ambassador, Count
Speaker 1: uh let Us law Van, I'm not going to try
Speaker 1: to pronounce his sucker's name, the Austro Hungarian ambassador quite
Speaker 1: plainly that he would stand at Austria Hungary side with
Speaker 1: all the forces at my disposal, without any further inquiry
Speaker 1: as to whether there's any cause for war that exists
Speaker 1: in our accordance with our Treaty of Alliance. Uh You're
Speaker 1: all highest Sovereign France, Joseph may be quite sure that
Speaker 1: if at any moment the position of Austro Hungarian monarchy
Speaker 1: is an issue, my entire fighting forces will be immediately
Speaker 1: and unconditionally at his disposal. So the Kaiser gives Austria
Speaker 1: Hungary a blank check to do whatever they want. And
Speaker 1: it's this would wind up probably being the key stake
Speaker 1: most responsible for plunging Europe into the First World War. Yeah,
Speaker 1: it seems to be the popular opinion. Yeah. Yeah. When
Speaker 1: Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated by a Serbian partisan in
Speaker 1: the summer of nineteen fourteen, it made Austria's war against
Speaker 1: Serbia inevitable. Russia was bound to come to Serbia's defense,
Speaker 1: and the Kaiser had repeatedly promised loudly and publicly to
Speaker 1: back Austria Hungary in any such war. Now, there's been
Speaker 1: another Balkan crisis in nineteen twelve and thirteen that had
Speaker 1: almost led Europe off a cliff into war, but again
Speaker 1: cooler heads had talked things down this time. However, in
Speaker 1: nineteen fourteen, there were fewer cooler heads available. For one thing,
Speaker 1: the Kaiser's best friend, Yuhlenberg was no longer in the picture.
Speaker 1: A complex blackmail plot, orchestrated in part by pro war
Speaker 1: elements in the German government, had been executed against Yuhlenberg.
Speaker 1: The chief cause for this was Uhlenberg's pacifism. Once he
Speaker 1: was out of the picture, the Kaiser had no friends
Speaker 1: close to him who actually cared about him as a
Speaker 1: human being. Yuhlenberg was a lickspittle, but he was a
Speaker 1: lickspittle who legitimately had Helm's best interest at heart and
Speaker 1: didn't want a war. Sorry, can you unpack the term
Speaker 1: lick spittle? Yeah, he's he's a sickophant. He's somebody who
Speaker 1: just is going to praise the leader and not going
Speaker 1: to question them too much. Is that your word or
Speaker 1: is that someone else? No? No, no, no, no, that's
Speaker 1: a that's a common word. Yeah, says from the I
Speaker 1: learned it from the Simpsons. Says okay, Well, Finelenberg gone.
Speaker 1: The Kaiser's next best friend was Prince max Egan of Boten,
Speaker 1: who was closely related to the Emperor of Austria Hungary,
Speaker 1: which of course had drawn the Kaiser close to the
Speaker 1: Austrian royal family, which made him make more and more
Speaker 1: dumb promises. I'm simplifying things here by quite a lot
Speaker 1: because we only have so much time. But I think
Speaker 1: this paints the essential picture of what went on to
Speaker 1: bring pille Helm to a point where he was willing
Speaker 1: to make these bad, bad, bad calls. I mean, it
Speaker 1: is kind of remarkable, this hearing it all out in order,
Speaker 1: Like how long a massive conflict was avoided? Like that's
Speaker 1: there's been There's so many close scrapes before something actually
Speaker 1: starts yep, yep, yep. And yeah, there were a lot
Speaker 1: of other things going on. One of them was cold,
Speaker 1: ugly math. The German general staff had this fabulous plan
Speaker 1: cooked up by Schleief and to win a two front
Speaker 1: war in Europe, and they kept careful tabs on both
Speaker 1: the Russian and French armies, and they calculated that nineteen
Speaker 1: fourteen was basically the best year possible for them to
Speaker 1: have a war like this if it was inevitable, which
Speaker 1: they thought it was because both nations had started revamping
Speaker 1: their field armies. So this exact sequence of events that
Speaker 1: led to the outbreak of hostilities in World War One
Speaker 1: is too long a story to fit in at the
Speaker 1: end of an episode, and kaiserville Helm's exact level of
Speaker 1: blame is heavily debated to this day. Um Rolf's book
Speaker 1: paints him as an eager belligerent wringing his hands in anticipation.
Speaker 1: Um he was not excited for war precisely, but he
Speaker 1: was excited for a major diplomatic victory that would humble
Speaker 1: Russia in Britain without a shot being fired. Fighting, Yeah, exactly.
Speaker 1: He understood fighting might result, and he was willing to
Speaker 1: take that risk, but he didn't want it to come
Speaker 1: to that. He attempted to mediate between Austria and Serbia
Speaker 1: and was briefly optimistic of peace once Serbians yielded the
Speaker 1: most of Austria's demands, but then his ally decided to
Speaker 1: go to war anyway, and the Kaiser backed him. Still now,
Speaker 1: vander Kiss's biography paints a more reticent picture of Wilhelm.
Speaker 1: His belligerent words and threats of violence were the same
Speaker 1: sort of impulsive passing fancies that had steered him his
Speaker 1: entire life. He was a rich kid with poor impulse control,
Speaker 1: but he ultimately didn't want war, and when it came,
Speaker 1: he was horribly anxious over the whole affair. Writing years later,
Speaker 1: Buello recalled no German, and above all, no English pacifist
Speaker 1: was filled with a profounder or more honest love of
Speaker 1: peace than was William the Second. It was his own
Speaker 1: and our misfortune that his words and his gestures never
Speaker 1: coincided with his real attitude in the manner when he
Speaker 1: boasted or even threatened people in words, it was often
Speaker 1: because he wanted to allay his own timidity. I think
Speaker 1: that's right. He's like, he's an awkward, sad, insecure kid
Speaker 1: who winds up boasting and threatening because he doesn't he's
Speaker 1: fundamentally insecure, and because he's a crowned head of a nation,
Speaker 1: it helps lead to war. I feel like, yeah, that
Speaker 1: does like kind of the story of World War One
Speaker 1: in a lot of ways, where it's like the the
Speaker 1: you know, the social conflicts are generally directing stuff, but
Speaker 1: then the funked up inbred leaders, are you know, able
Speaker 1: to be manipulated accordingly? Yeah, and you know there was.
Speaker 1: There was a big debate and has been for it
Speaker 1: still continues as to who is responsible for World War One.
Speaker 1: The nation of Germany was forced to take responsibility in
Speaker 1: the Treaty of her Saille, which was not fair. Um,
Speaker 1: Germany and the Kaiser are not mostly responsible for World
Speaker 1: War One because there's so much blame to be shared
Speaker 1: by different nations. But you could make a strong case
Speaker 1: that the single individual with the largest share of the
Speaker 1: blame is kaiserville Helm the second you can make that case. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I mean, and it was like he was It feels
Speaker 1: like his whole life is setting him up to do
Speaker 1: this level of exactly you can see it coming from
Speaker 1: so far away. It's infuriating. Yeah. Now, once war was joined,
Speaker 1: the Kaiser was hopeful that it would be a short,
Speaker 1: satively bloodless affair and would leave the overall map of
Speaker 1: Europe relatively unchanged. He's not a Hitler type guy. He
Speaker 1: doesn't want to conquer France, and he doesn't want to
Speaker 1: own and hold Belgium forever. He wants to move through
Speaker 1: Belgium and then eventually leave. He wants to beat France
Speaker 1: in a war and then sign a treaty with them,
Speaker 1: take a little bit more of their land, maybe, but
Speaker 1: he wants France to still exist. He doesn't really want
Speaker 1: to destroy England as a as a nation. He doesn't
Speaker 1: want to conquer. He doesn't want to conquer the entire world,
Speaker 1: you know, he just wants to He wants to funck
Speaker 1: his mom, and he wants to be seen as a
Speaker 1: military hero. I mean, don't we all in a way? Yeah? Yeah,
Speaker 1: we all in a way do now. Vilhelm believed he'd
Speaker 1: be able to arrange peace when it was necessary at
Speaker 1: basically any point, by just working things out one on
Speaker 1: one with his royal cousins. He noted that mere democracies
Speaker 1: could never make a peace conference work because war was
Speaker 1: a royal sport to be indulged in by hereditary monarchs
Speaker 1: and concluded at their will. This was part of the
Speaker 1: idea about war at the time time, which was that
Speaker 1: war between kings never is that bad because kings are
Speaker 1: all friends at the end, and you know, all soldiers
Speaker 1: will kill each other for a while. But I don't
Speaker 1: want you to lose your crown. I don't want things
Speaker 1: to be that bad for you. We're just having a
Speaker 1: spat and you know, once this has concluded satisfactorily, we
Speaker 1: can go back to being friends. And then Bill hilps
Speaker 1: idea at the start of this Yeah, well because he's yeah,
Speaker 1: because he's like talking with his cousins, like it's like
Speaker 1: being yeah, with just no awareness for the fact that
Speaker 1: there is a rest of the world that this effects. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and this is not how things worked out. Um. And
Speaker 1: World War One was instant no, no, no, like a
Speaker 1: quarter of a million Germans die in the first week
Speaker 1: of fighting. Um like it's it's like hundreds of thousands
Speaker 1: of people are dead as soon as the fighting starts,
Speaker 1: and the Kaiser, you know, as the situation grows more serious,
Speaker 1: the Kaiser is very quickly sidelined by his generals. He
Speaker 1: actually had almost no role in the conduct of the
Speaker 1: war throughout the vast majority of it. Um. It was
Speaker 1: basically ceremonial you know, he'd address factory workers and soldiers,
Speaker 1: and he's spent a lot of his time on vacations
Speaker 1: at his farm. Germany increasingly became a military dictatorship, and
Speaker 1: by the end of it, the Kaiser was as much
Speaker 1: of a figurehead as the King of England. And of course,
Speaker 1: when the war ended in Yeah, when the war ended
Speaker 1: in German defeat in seventeen million deaths, Wilhelm the Second
Speaker 1: was forced to abdicate and flee the country. He spent
Speaker 1: the rest of his life in Dorn in the Netherlands,
Speaker 1: living the quiet life of a country gentleman and a
Speaker 1: global pariah until his death in nineteen forty one from
Speaker 1: being old as shit in the end, I think the
Speaker 1: best epitaph for this man was written by journalist Charles Lowe,
Speaker 1: a foreign correspondent for The Times. He called Wilhelm quote
Speaker 1: the chief creator of the war spirit which he found
Speaker 1: it impossible to exercise or resist, and was thus, so
Speaker 1: to say, devoured by his own offspring. For at the
Speaker 1: last moment, when shrinking from the results of his own
Speaker 1: creative handiwork, he allowed the sword in his own phrase,
Speaker 1: to be thrust into his hand, which was just as
Speaker 1: much as if he had drawn out of his own accord,
Speaker 1: thus proving himself to be a weak willed and criminal ruler,
Speaker 1: the most nefarious of his kind whoever sat upon a throne.
Speaker 1: There it is that hand comparison again, Sorry to see it,
Speaker 1: you hate to see it. The hand comes back to
Speaker 1: the hands, always back to hands with this guy. Well, yeah,
Speaker 1: you know what, what a coward that was set up
Speaker 1: to be a fucking loser. That would cost millions of
Speaker 1: people their lives. Yep, yep. And that's why monarchists to
Speaker 1: the dumbest people in the world. Yeah, they're horrible in there,
Speaker 1: and and I and I hate that. There's usually an
Speaker 1: inn to feel kind of bad for them because you're like, oh,
Speaker 1: you're well, why would you not be horrible monarchs like
Speaker 1: monarchs themselves? Like I absolutely you have to have sympathy
Speaker 1: for a guy like phil Helm because like funk Man,
Speaker 1: there's no good ending to this story. But like the
Speaker 1: people who want to go back to having a monarchy,
Speaker 1: I baffles me. I can't figure out. I'm like, do
Speaker 1: you just like tabloids? Like what you like fancy costumes?
Speaker 1: That's what this ship's about it. I mean, like you
Speaker 1: can still have that. There's a lot of people that
Speaker 1: will wear a lot of fancy. You should just start
Speaker 1: watching drag Grays. If you're a Marcist, just start watching
Speaker 1: drag Grays gay like you'll you'll get what you want,
Speaker 1: and so are you. I'm sorry, no, no, that's that's
Speaker 1: the end of my call to action for the monarchists.
Speaker 1: Has your level of sympathy or feeling about kaiserville Helm
Speaker 1: changed at all over the course of these episodes, I
Speaker 1: honestly my sympathy for him went up. Like I knew,
Speaker 1: I knew. I knew that everyone, you know, all all
Speaker 1: the monarchy like that were involved in the beginning of
Speaker 1: World War One. We're dumb as rocks, you know. But
Speaker 1: dumb is a bag of dead horses. But the but
Speaker 1: the specificity of yeah, like how how that how they
Speaker 1: even got that far is oh, it's it just sucks.
Speaker 1: It sucks. I you know, he just wanted to his
Speaker 1: mom to be in love with him. He just wanted
Speaker 1: to fuck his mom's hand and get a metal. I
Speaker 1: feel for her, and I feel for Germany and that, yeah, God,
Speaker 1: that there I'm feeling. I'm not feeling as like indignant
Speaker 1: and angry as I usually am. At the end of
Speaker 1: this I'm just feeling empty. I feel like a husk, Robert, Yeah,
Speaker 1: absolute husk right now. I watched an interesting movie on
Speaker 1: Netflix last night called The Exception, which is based on
Speaker 1: a book called The Kaiser's Last Kiss, and it's it's
Speaker 1: a fictional story about a German s S officer who
Speaker 1: is the head of Wilhelm's bodyguard when Germany conquers the
Speaker 1: country where he's staying Um at the start of the
Speaker 1: Second World War. And it's also about this like British
Speaker 1: spy and it's the movie is more sympathetic towards Wilhelm
Speaker 1: Um than I think the book is. The guy who
Speaker 1: wrote the book had like has a very deep knowledge
Speaker 1: of the man's Really it's a fun it's an interesting
Speaker 1: book that I think gives a good a very fair
Speaker 1: um like accounting of the man's personality and doesn't make
Speaker 1: him into a demon or a good guy. He's just like.
Speaker 1: One of the phrases that it says about him is
Speaker 1: that he was half genius and half child. Um. Yeah,
Speaker 1: and says he's there's another Do we feel he was
Speaker 1: a genius in anyway? Is that? Is that? Do we
Speaker 1: give him that I don't. I didn't see that. I
Speaker 1: didn't see it. Yeah, I didn't see it. There were
Speaker 1: some parts like his his understanding of labor rights and
Speaker 1: like them, like that sort of thing, like he was
Speaker 1: really good about certain things throughout his reign, but he
Speaker 1: was on the whole not a good leader. But he was, um,
Speaker 1: he wasn't. Like. The point this guy is making is
Speaker 1: that the things about him that he wasn't smart about
Speaker 1: led him to make a lot of his worst decisions. Mustache,
Speaker 1: like I mean mustache. Yeah, And when you're full of
Speaker 1: yes men, you know, when you're surrounded by yes men
Speaker 1: who won't tell you you're dumbest shit, you end up
Speaker 1: with that mustache and that life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's
Speaker 1: there's there's a lot of good quotes in that book.
Speaker 1: I mean, I'm reading the book right now and it's fun. Um,
Speaker 1: so maybe check that out if you want more Kaiser
Speaker 1: Vilhelm in your life. Um, that's a hard he if
Speaker 1: you'll pardon the phrase, he drew a rough hand in life.
Speaker 1: Oh don't say, don't mention hands in front of him.
Speaker 1: He loses it and then he played that hand for
Speaker 1: shit God, and then he's just like shaking his operational
Speaker 1: fist at the sky. You hate to see it. He
Speaker 1: might be the worst at a job that anyone's ever been. Yeah,
Speaker 1: like really really bad. Why you shouldn't just be given
Speaker 1: the most consequential jobs, not a job that should have existed. Nope,
Speaker 1: certainly not and you get the fielding. If he'd been
Speaker 1: a ceremonial monarch like the King of England is today,
Speaker 1: he'd been great at it. He loved marching around and
Speaker 1: wearing uniforms, outfit like outfits on Instagram monarch. He would
Speaker 1: have been very happy if he'd never had to make
Speaker 1: a real decision. He if he was just posting fit
Speaker 1: checks every day, like he would be happy as a
Speaker 1: little clam first posting about the Russian Army. Fine about
Speaker 1: his mom, Yeah, just another pick of me and mama.
Speaker 1: Uh yeah no. But you know, you know, monarchists, Um,
Speaker 1: you're idiots, you're dumb, you're unnoticed. See in the comments section. Yeah,
Speaker 1: we're going to really bring the monarchist listeners behind the
Speaker 1: bastards out of the world work. Yeah, it's one of
Speaker 1: those things. I had this opinion before I started doing
Speaker 1: this research that kings were basically the same as dictators.
Speaker 1: Um and I don't feel that way anymore, in part
Speaker 1: because of all this reading about how hopelessly everyone watched
Speaker 1: this guy slouched towards being in power and couldn't stop it,
Speaker 1: which like a dictator sees his power generally um and
Speaker 1: like there's not really a question about it, Like they
Speaker 1: take the power and even if everyone, like a lot
Speaker 1: of people know they're bad at it, like they take it.
Speaker 1: Whereas with this everyone's like, yeah, this guy's going to
Speaker 1: be a disaster, too bad, there's nothing to do about it, right.
Speaker 1: That's the thing is, Like it seems like if he
Speaker 1: had had been if he had been given away out
Speaker 1: or that wouldn't have resulted in an eternal shame upon
Speaker 1: him and his family, he absolutely would have taken it
Speaker 1: if he could still have been the Kaiser, but not
Speaker 1: have had to make Maybe I don't know, prins he
Speaker 1: just wanted to be a fashion king. Yeah, I do
Speaker 1: think he wanted he wanted to be a military power
Speaker 1: too though, and like I don't think he wanted to
Speaker 1: in that. I don't think it was inherently a military
Speaker 1: kind of guy, but because his whole family had raised
Speaker 1: him to believe that it's shameful to be a Prussian
Speaker 1: and not be a great warrior. Yeah, like, yeah, it's fucked, man,
Speaker 1: it's a bummer of a story. It's it's definitely fucked.
Speaker 1: I hate that. I feel for him, but you kind
Speaker 1: of can't. And it doesn't mean he didn't get millions
Speaker 1: of people killed and isn't a piece of shit, But
Speaker 1: like it also means that, like, well, fuck you. You
Speaker 1: plug anybody into that job with that kind of upbringing,
Speaker 1: how how does it end well? How does Yeah? It's
Speaker 1: as I blame society, Robert, I blame very specific assholes,
Speaker 1: not society in general. I blame a bunch of people society,
Speaker 1: that's my whole point. I blame George Hints, Peter, Queen Victoria, Uh,
Speaker 1: the Empariss, Augusta Um and a couple of other terrible
Speaker 1: assholes and some bad, bad doctors. I blame that the
Speaker 1: doctor's Oh, I blame the arms stretcher. Whoever made that
Speaker 1: stretch that didn't they really have a lot to answer for,
Speaker 1: all right, And it didn't work, first of all, and
Speaker 1: second of all, it was deeply humiliating, and and you
Speaker 1: can sort of trace the death of many people to
Speaker 1: the humiliation from the arms stretcher. So um by an
Speaker 1: arms stretcher. By the way, this podcast is supported by
Speaker 1: arm stretch. Ad came on for an arms stretcher right now, child,
Speaker 1: the Prince of Prussia is his arm g strate out
Speaker 1: of course, good lord boy, yeah he is. You do
Speaker 1: have to You can't really understand him, nless you understand
Speaker 1: that he was also a disabled man who was abused
Speaker 1: by a bigoted medical establishment, right and and there was
Speaker 1: like no option or ability for him to be accepted
Speaker 1: as as he was. It's yeah, it sucks. It fucking sucks.
Speaker 1: You know, it doesn't suck. Jamie what you're that's well,
Speaker 1: wait and see getting they're great. Um. You can follow
Speaker 1: me on Twitter at Jamie christ or no, at Jamie
Speaker 1: Lofta's help. Uh, you can listen to I'm releasing a
Speaker 1: short form podcast called My Year in MENSA that's about
Speaker 1: my horrible year in the MENSA organization. So excited. I'm
Speaker 1: very Robert your voice is in it. I was editing
Speaker 1: it in just yesterday. It comes out on Thanksgiving. It's
Speaker 1: a full blown nightmare. I hope people listen to it.
Speaker 1: And uh, yeah, then you can listen to the Bechtel
Speaker 1: Cast every Thursday and that's and those are my plugies.
Speaker 1: Listen to the Bechtel Cast, Listen to My Year in Mensa,
Speaker 1: which is Jamie's year in Mensa, not my year, not
Speaker 1: your year. But you know you could if you wanted to,
Speaker 1: but you know, yeah, I no, no, I could not. Um.
Speaker 1: Find us on the internet behind the bastards dot com
Speaker 1: or we'll love all the sources for this. Find us
Speaker 1: on Twitter and Instagram at at bastards pod um and
Speaker 1: find some room in your heart to buy a next
Speaker 1: stretching machine. Or the young infant child in your life
Speaker 1: today and I'm sure they grow up just like the Kaiser.
Speaker 1: I gotta go get a stretch in right now, right
Speaker 1: after I write my mom the scariest letter I've ever
Speaker 1: wrote in my life. Everybody write your mom's about their sexy,
Speaker 1: sexy hands. Everyone writing about their mom's sexy hands. No shame,
Speaker 1: just don't hit scent. It's it's that robbery throws shaming
Speaker 1: people horny for their mom's hands. I'm a little more
Speaker 1: open minded. That's the fucking episode by you