1
00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:08,480
Speaker 1: Hi Amber, Hilelah, Welcome to an unlikely affair. Hello babes,

2
00:00:08,560 --> 00:00:11,640
Speaker 1: Welcome back to an unlikely affair. I am here with

3
00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:15,960
Speaker 1: my main my superstar, the love of my life, my

4
00:00:16,120 --> 00:00:17,320
Speaker 1: new best friend.

5
00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:19,799
Speaker 2: I feel like we bonded on a new level in

6
00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:21,200
Speaker 2: San Francisco.

7
00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:23,040
Speaker 3: One hundred percent we did.

8
00:00:23,640 --> 00:00:24,560
Speaker 2: What was that?

9
00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:31,880
Speaker 4: It was just time away locked in a beautiful hotel room. Wait,

10
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:33,519
Speaker 4: can you tell a story how we really had two

11
00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,239
Speaker 4: hotel rooms? And then then what happened?

12
00:00:36,520 --> 00:00:40,280
Speaker 2: Yeah, we get there and iHeart is like, yeah, of

13
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,599
Speaker 2: course we got you two separate rooms. And I was like, well,

14
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,120
Speaker 2: why would you do that? And so I asked Amber,

15
00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:47,239
Speaker 2: I was like, do you mind, like you can like

16
00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:50,559
Speaker 2: shower at that room, but can you like stay in

17
00:00:50,720 --> 00:00:53,640
Speaker 2: my room? And iHeart said, why don't we just get

18
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:55,720
Speaker 2: rid of one room. We'll put you guys in a suite.

19
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:58,520
Speaker 2: And so I loved that for me and my baby

20
00:00:58,520 --> 00:01:01,880
Speaker 2: because what baby won't baby get? And it was just

21
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:05,720
Speaker 2: like such a cute experience, like I missed you in

22
00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,040
Speaker 2: the bed. When I got back to LA you were

23
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:10,480
Speaker 2: like sending me pictures with an empty spot where I

24
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:11,000
Speaker 2: was laying.

25
00:01:11,680 --> 00:01:14,520
Speaker 4: I know you stayed a day later than me, Yes,

26
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,720
Speaker 4: I did, and it was very sad. It was very

27
00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,600
Speaker 4: like a big energy shift, and I was like, wait,

28
00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:20,800
Speaker 4: where is my other half?

29
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:22,880
Speaker 2: Well, I kept saying her. I'm like, why can't you

30
00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,240
Speaker 2: switch your flight? Like I know, She's like, there's only

31
00:01:25,280 --> 00:01:28,520
Speaker 2: two flights out of Bozeman, and there's one Saturday morning.

32
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,800
Speaker 2: I've already missed the Friday one. I was like, there's

33
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,240
Speaker 2: gotta be a way that you can just like come

34
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,200
Speaker 2: back to LA with me, because then you can like

35
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,960
Speaker 2: be with me for Super Bowl and then you can

36
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:40,840
Speaker 2: go back to Bozeman. I like had this perfect plan

37
00:01:40,920 --> 00:01:44,080
Speaker 2: in my head that didn't work out. But I'm going

38
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:46,160
Speaker 2: to see you soon, which makes me very happy. But

39
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,400
Speaker 2: I do feel like we bonded on a whole new

40
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,360
Speaker 2: level when we traveled to San Franciso.

41
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:51,440
Speaker 3: Hundred percent yeah.

42
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:53,960
Speaker 4: And I told you, like I'm I've been told I'm

43
00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:56,360
Speaker 4: pretty easy to travel with, and I've learned you're also

44
00:01:56,440 --> 00:01:59,240
Speaker 4: a great travel partner, so I will go anywhere you

45
00:01:59,240 --> 00:01:59,640
Speaker 4: would like.

46
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,560
Speaker 2: Well, and we're very much on the same page. So

47
00:02:03,320 --> 00:02:08,440
Speaker 2: we asked on the Unlikely Affair page what people wanted

48
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:12,040
Speaker 2: us to talk about. And I have to say anytime

49
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:13,840
Speaker 2: I did this when I had the podcast give them

50
00:02:13,919 --> 00:02:19,200
Speaker 2: La La, even untraditionally La La people love a sobriety podcast.

51
00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,880
Speaker 2: I think there's a lot of people who are struggling

52
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,240
Speaker 2: with addiction and don't know how to give it up.

53
00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:26,520
Speaker 2: And so a lot of people wrote in and they

54
00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:29,519
Speaker 2: were asking, like, I want to know about a mental

55
00:02:29,560 --> 00:02:33,760
Speaker 2: health journey and your guys's sobriety journeys. And I always

56
00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,359
Speaker 2: talk about how sobriety is not one size fits all.

57
00:02:36,880 --> 00:02:40,640
Speaker 2: Your journey Amber is very different than mine. What you

58
00:02:40,800 --> 00:02:42,800
Speaker 2: chose to pick up is very different than what I

59
00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:46,760
Speaker 2: chose to pick up. And I'm really excited to get

60
00:02:46,919 --> 00:02:50,600
Speaker 2: like your rock bottom moment because I actually have never

61
00:02:50,639 --> 00:02:52,120
Speaker 2: heard your rock bottom moment.

62
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:55,160
Speaker 4: That's really crazy. I don't know your rock bottom moment,

63
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:57,520
Speaker 4: you know, it's funny. I was looking at the questions

64
00:02:57,520 --> 00:03:01,080
Speaker 4: that we received beforehand, and I was also thinking to myself,

65
00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,080
Speaker 4: I don't know much about your sobriety story. I know

66
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,280
Speaker 4: you're sober, but I don't really know much about your program.

67
00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,760
Speaker 4: We don't go to the same meetings, or we don't

68
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,880
Speaker 4: I mean, Lala and I are in the same program

69
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:19,680
Speaker 4: for those of you who are listening, but like you said,

70
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:22,000
Speaker 4: our journeys are very different, and I think I was

71
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:26,200
Speaker 4: spiritually broken for me, and a lot of it had

72
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:30,400
Speaker 4: to do with things that I dealt with mostly in

73
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:33,840
Speaker 4: my twenties, But I think for me, I was even

74
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:39,120
Speaker 4: spiritually broken even before then. Like growing up, I always

75
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:43,520
Speaker 4: felt I had this like severe sadness. I felt things

76
00:03:44,160 --> 00:03:47,560
Speaker 4: so deep it was hard to even articulate. I didn't

77
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:50,160
Speaker 4: feel like I could turn towards certain people in my

78
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,680
Speaker 4: life to really explain how I felt, so I kept

79
00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,360
Speaker 4: it inside and I just kept pushing it down.

80
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,800
Speaker 2: Do you feel like that's what made you gravitate toward

81
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:01,320
Speaker 2: acting as well? Because it was an outlet where you

82
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,760
Speaker 2: could put what you were feeling into a character and

83
00:04:03,800 --> 00:04:05,080
Speaker 2: maybe that felt more safe to you.

84
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,280
Speaker 3: One hundred percent it was truly. I mean, I grew up.

85
00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,960
Speaker 4: My sisters are engineers, my dad and my mom have

86
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,200
Speaker 4: had a business that has nothing to do with the arts.

87
00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:19,000
Speaker 4: So for me, yeah, I was a very deeply feeling

88
00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:22,600
Speaker 4: lost soul. But I knew very early on as soon

89
00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:26,000
Speaker 4: as I got that acting bug, and I truly also

90
00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:30,480
Speaker 4: believe that we were born with these gifts. So in

91
00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,479
Speaker 4: a way, my higher power was leading me towards acting

92
00:04:34,880 --> 00:04:37,520
Speaker 4: or the arts in general, right, But I was just

93
00:04:37,520 --> 00:04:39,920
Speaker 4: trying to escape my own thoughts. And then I got married,

94
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:44,040
Speaker 4: and then I had kids really young, and then whatever

95
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:47,200
Speaker 4: anxiety and depression I had already had as like a baseline,

96
00:04:47,560 --> 00:04:51,479
Speaker 4: it just grew, right, So I was managing. I was

97
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:54,160
Speaker 4: just managing these feelings that were so overwhelming. And then

98
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,400
Speaker 4: you start telling yourself stories and then eventually you just

99
00:04:56,400 --> 00:04:59,320
Speaker 4: believe the stories that you're telling yourself, right, And so

100
00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:03,800
Speaker 4: for me, I just needed what I called my tranquilizers

101
00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:07,000
Speaker 4: to get by, to get through, to get through the day.

102
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,760
Speaker 2: When you say your tranquilizers, were you picking up pills?

103
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:16,160
Speaker 2: Was that you're you're my drug of choice? Ok, per

104
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:16,880
Speaker 2: I mean.

105
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,320
Speaker 4: I alcohol is a part of my story, But I

106
00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:22,880
Speaker 4: was never I was always a lightweight. Yes, Like I

107
00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:25,080
Speaker 4: remember back in the day when I would drink. I

108
00:05:25,120 --> 00:05:27,920
Speaker 4: remember my first hangover when London was like six months old,

109
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,440
Speaker 4: and I was like, I swear to God, I will

110
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,600
Speaker 4: never do this again, because it's at like five point

111
00:05:32,600 --> 00:05:34,520
Speaker 4: thirty in the morning and your baby's crying and you

112
00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,440
Speaker 4: feel like throwing up. And I was like, that was

113
00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:39,440
Speaker 4: probably like my first lesson. I think all moms have

114
00:05:39,560 --> 00:05:40,800
Speaker 4: probably experienced that.

115
00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,360
Speaker 2: I haven't experienced that because I got to oh that's

116
00:05:43,440 --> 00:05:47,680
Speaker 2: right before I had kids. But yes, they're even my

117
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,440
Speaker 2: friends who are completely like their normies, right, and they

118
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,000
Speaker 2: have like, instead of just two glasses of wine, they

119
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,320
Speaker 2: go for the third and they're like, never again will

120
00:05:57,320 --> 00:06:00,520
Speaker 2: I do that? And it's like, I mean from the

121
00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,120
Speaker 2: time you have children to the time that they're like

122
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:06,800
Speaker 2: self sufficient because they need you, like you got to

123
00:06:06,839 --> 00:06:09,120
Speaker 2: wake up to take them to school. Like the whole

124
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:14,080
Speaker 2: thing is just a lot. I cannot imagine parenting with

125
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:14,800
Speaker 2: a hangover.

126
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:19,640
Speaker 4: No, it's awful. It really, it really is awful. And

127
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:25,159
Speaker 4: I never I never drank and drove my I was never.

128
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:28,359
Speaker 4: I was never that. I literally just wanted to stop

129
00:06:28,360 --> 00:06:30,720
Speaker 4: feeling the pain. And for me, the easiest way to

130
00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,160
Speaker 4: be able to still cope and function in my life

131
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:37,720
Speaker 4: and show up was was xanaxo, was this or oh

132
00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,320
Speaker 4: you have that, let me try that, let me do

133
00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:41,440
Speaker 4: this and of that, and the oh let me try

134
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,000
Speaker 4: to also manage my anxiety and depression. With my psychiatrists,

135
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:48,000
Speaker 4: it was just like a recipe for disaster. Until I started,

136
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:53,120
Speaker 4: I realized, stop fighting with yourself, right, I had to

137
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,640
Speaker 4: stop fighting with myself and stop suppressing all of these

138
00:06:57,040 --> 00:07:00,719
Speaker 4: emotions and get really clear on what matters to me.

139
00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:04,159
Speaker 2: And when was that? Would you say, like, do you

140
00:07:04,160 --> 00:07:07,480
Speaker 2: remember the day it was or was it a build up?

141
00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,040
Speaker 4: So I got sober for I was sober for two

142
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,000
Speaker 4: years when I was in my last long term relationship

143
00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:18,240
Speaker 4: after my marriage, that's a long time. I was trying

144
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,520
Speaker 4: to help the other person get sober, and I was like,

145
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:21,679
Speaker 4: you know what, I'm going to be a good partner.

146
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:23,440
Speaker 4: I'm going to give up alcohol. I'm going to give

147
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,880
Speaker 4: up everything. And it was, I think subconsciously a little

148
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,640
Speaker 4: test for myself.

149
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:32,120
Speaker 2: So you gave up pills and drinking, you were like

150
00:07:32,680 --> 00:07:35,520
Speaker 2: a sober person, yes, yes.

151
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:41,520
Speaker 4: Then when that person decided to start picking up and

152
00:07:41,600 --> 00:07:44,800
Speaker 4: drinking again behind my back, I was like, well, if

153
00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:47,120
Speaker 4: you're going to do it, then what the fuck am

154
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:47,880
Speaker 4: I doing this for?

155
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:48,240
Speaker 3: Right?

156
00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,400
Speaker 2: Right? Well, because you weren't doing it for yourself, you

157
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,840
Speaker 2: were doing it for someone else, right right, which everyone

158
00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:55,720
Speaker 2: knows in the program you cannot get sober for someone else.

159
00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:59,720
Speaker 4: You have to get sober for yourself, right exactly. So

160
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,480
Speaker 4: So I went out and I started drinking again. I

161
00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:05,440
Speaker 4: was having a time. I was dating, and now I'm

162
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:11,400
Speaker 4: like dating for the first time since I was what nineteen,

163
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:13,960
Speaker 4: wow when I got eighteen when I got married. I

164
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:16,440
Speaker 4: was nineteen when I got married, twenty was twenty twenty

165
00:08:16,440 --> 00:08:19,280
Speaker 4: when I got married. It's all a blur at this point,

166
00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:23,440
Speaker 4: and I didn't know how to date. So now on

167
00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:28,720
Speaker 4: top of all my trauma trying one failed marriage, one

168
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:34,080
Speaker 4: failed relationship, now I'm dealing with kids, I'm dealing with dating.

169
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:37,160
Speaker 4: I'm dealing with my career. The pandemic hit. You know,

170
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,800
Speaker 4: no one's working, and then you have all the actors

171
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,240
Speaker 4: strike and the writers strike, and I'm just like, I'm

172
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:44,680
Speaker 4: a hot mess, and I'm like, where's.

173
00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:45,120
Speaker 3: My life going?

174
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:49,040
Speaker 4: And I think there was one particular date that really

175
00:08:49,080 --> 00:08:53,200
Speaker 4: I woke up and I said, I really need to

176
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,760
Speaker 4: stop drinking if I'm going to be serious about finding

177
00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:59,480
Speaker 4: the right partner, because you keep choosing making the same mistakes.

178
00:09:00,160 --> 00:09:03,400
Speaker 4: What stories are are you telling yourself? What patterns?

179
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:03,680
Speaker 2: Right?

180
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,760
Speaker 3: At this point, I was like, I think I'm.

181
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,840
Speaker 4: The problem, and you stop pointing the finger at everyone

182
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:13,120
Speaker 4: else and look at my own life and my choices.

183
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,800
Speaker 3: And so I first came in through alan On.

184
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,920
Speaker 4: I was like, I want to understand what these people

185
00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:20,720
Speaker 4: that have so many issues, you know, what they're about.

186
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:23,679
Speaker 4: And then I would go to these mixed alan on

187
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:29,160
Speaker 4: in AA meetings and listen to each side talk, and

188
00:09:30,360 --> 00:09:33,080
Speaker 4: again it's that little voice nudging you, going like, oh,

189
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,720
Speaker 4: you're not really an alcoholic because I hadn't had a DUI,

190
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,680
Speaker 4: I haven't been homeless. I've lived a pretty damn good life.

191
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,520
Speaker 4: My kids are healthy. I've never had any you know,

192
00:09:42,679 --> 00:09:45,120
Speaker 4: major disasters. I'm not sitting in front of a judge

193
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,520
Speaker 4: begging for you know, a shorter life sentence, none of that.

194
00:09:48,840 --> 00:09:51,720
Speaker 4: And I never knew that that doesn't have to be

195
00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,200
Speaker 4: your story in order to enter.

196
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,640
Speaker 2: The that's the addiction talking.

197
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,520
Speaker 4: Yeah yeah, And so I and I said, you know

198
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,000
Speaker 4: what I'm going to give. I'm going to give AA

199
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:05,160
Speaker 4: try And the second I walked in those rooms, it

200
00:10:05,360 --> 00:10:06,079
Speaker 4: just all came out.

201
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:06,760
Speaker 3: I mean I.

202
00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:10,880
Speaker 4: Cried for a year straight, a year straight. I don't

203
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:12,600
Speaker 4: think there was a day that I didn't cry. And

204
00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,280
Speaker 4: then I would cry because I was crying and I

205
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:15,840
Speaker 4: was like, what is who are you going with me?

206
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,120
Speaker 3: You know, I just didn't understand what was happening.

207
00:10:18,280 --> 00:10:21,880
Speaker 2: Time. Yeah, yeah, you for the first time are left

208
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:26,959
Speaker 2: with the shit and nothing to numb it. You're having

209
00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:30,920
Speaker 2: to take a good, hard look at your life, the

210
00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:33,600
Speaker 2: choices you've made, all of the times that you want

211
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:36,360
Speaker 2: to blame everyone else, and you have to then go, well,

212
00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,760
Speaker 2: what was my part in this? It's a lot, but

213
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,160
Speaker 2: I'm telling you. When I entered the rooms and I

214
00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,080
Speaker 2: picked up the big Book and I looked at the

215
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:48,240
Speaker 2: twelve steps, I was like, I don't want to say

216
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,720
Speaker 2: right off the bat, because it did take some time,

217
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,559
Speaker 2: but I was begging for sobriety. I knew that I'm

218
00:10:53,760 --> 00:10:56,960
Speaker 2: never going back to this life that I used to live.

219
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:01,320
Speaker 2: And I was like, this is so beneficial to human

220
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:04,240
Speaker 2: beings in general. You don't have to be an alcoholic

221
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,880
Speaker 2: to practice these steps. This is what we all should

222
00:11:07,880 --> 00:11:12,920
Speaker 2: be living by every single day. Granted we live that

223
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,760
Speaker 2: way because you know, we are addicts and we have

224
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:20,880
Speaker 2: the alcoholic mind that decides to when we do practice

225
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:22,839
Speaker 2: these things, we go, oh, no, this is too much.

226
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,560
Speaker 2: I need to pick something up. I need to I

227
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:29,760
Speaker 2: can't deal with thinking about my part in things. There's

228
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:35,520
Speaker 2: no self reflection. Honestly, Amber, there were so many moments

229
00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,280
Speaker 2: that I would wake up and say, like, you need

230
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:41,040
Speaker 2: to stop drinking. I never labeled myself an alcoholic, but

231
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:44,640
Speaker 2: there were. It was every morning, this vicious cycle of

232
00:11:44,679 --> 00:11:50,200
Speaker 2: waking up so depressed and needing a drink. And then

233
00:11:50,280 --> 00:11:53,440
Speaker 2: my dad died and I just leaned in heavy. I

234
00:11:53,559 --> 00:11:56,040
Speaker 2: was drinking from the moment I woke up until I

235
00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:00,720
Speaker 2: passed out. I was chaotic. I would go from being

236
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,640
Speaker 2: really happy and okay because I had just the right

237
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:09,440
Speaker 2: amount of alcohol in my system to breaking down, screaming

238
00:12:09,480 --> 00:12:14,839
Speaker 2: profanities in public and needing to get to a room

239
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,840
Speaker 2: or a pillow to just scream into it. I felt

240
00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:25,880
Speaker 2: so lost and my life was so unmanageable, and I

241
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:30,360
Speaker 2: remember going on a trip. So I actually went to

242
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:35,720
Speaker 2: a therapist, a psychiatrist, and we were talking and it

243
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:38,520
Speaker 2: was me, our ex and the psychiatrist, and as we

244
00:12:38,520 --> 00:12:41,319
Speaker 2: were talking, you know, they were looking at is she bipolars?

245
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:48,199
Speaker 2: She's severely depressed throughout all of this. She asks our

246
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:51,160
Speaker 2: ex to leave the room and she starts asking me

247
00:12:51,200 --> 00:12:54,240
Speaker 2: about my drinking, and she asks me to take down

248
00:12:54,240 --> 00:12:56,640
Speaker 2: a phone number. And I pause, and I was like,

249
00:12:56,840 --> 00:12:58,960
Speaker 2: because in my mind I was like, I just like drinking.

250
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,760
Speaker 2: I'm a fucking good time. I'm nothing is wrong with

251
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,840
Speaker 2: my life. I don't have a DUI, thank god, because

252
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:07,560
Speaker 2: I was drinking and driving. Absolutely I was drinking and driving.

253
00:13:07,679 --> 00:13:10,719
Speaker 2: And my mom told me after I got sober, her

254
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,160
Speaker 2: biggest fear every time I called her was the fact

255
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:14,760
Speaker 2: that I was in the car and she knew that

256
00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:17,600
Speaker 2: I had been drinking. And I had to work through

257
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,880
Speaker 2: a lot of shame in that. But I was like,

258
00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:22,640
Speaker 2: I'll get sober when I have kids, because I can't

259
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,320
Speaker 2: drink and be pregnant.

260
00:13:24,480 --> 00:13:27,079
Speaker 4: That was my thought process. I was fucking insane. That's

261
00:13:27,120 --> 00:13:28,560
Speaker 4: when the party ends is when you have that.

262
00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:30,000
Speaker 2: That's when the party ends is when I when I

263
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:33,720
Speaker 2: have a baby. She I say to her, you know,

264
00:13:34,240 --> 00:13:38,000
Speaker 2: are you asking me to be sober, because like that's

265
00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,000
Speaker 2: not going to happen. I had already made up my mind.

266
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:42,360
Speaker 2: She goes, I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm

267
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,080
Speaker 2: telling you that if you need this number, you have it,

268
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:46,880
Speaker 2: and if you don't want to use it, you don't

269
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,080
Speaker 2: have to use it. I was like, all right, put

270
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,200
Speaker 2: the number in my phone. We go with your children,

271
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,240
Speaker 2: my niece and nephew. We have like twenty six people

272
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:59,000
Speaker 2: that we go to Disney World with. We're there for

273
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,800
Speaker 2: the weekend. I am obliterated the whole time we're at

274
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,560
Speaker 2: Disney World. I can't, I can. I have two, maybe

275
00:14:07,679 --> 00:14:11,440
Speaker 2: three vivid moments of that trip. I constantly was wondering

276
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:15,960
Speaker 2: where the bar was. I remember excessive amounts of alcohol

277
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:18,040
Speaker 2: being brought into the car because I didn't know if

278
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:21,000
Speaker 2: they had a bar there, and I needed my rodies.

279
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,000
Speaker 2: And then I remember going through the gift shop Easton

280
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,960
Speaker 2: and I getting a bottle of Hennessy to take on

281
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:30,440
Speaker 2: the private plane, and I say, and face chugging it

282
00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:34,960
Speaker 2: out of the fucking bottle. And I always think how

283
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,760
Speaker 2: ironic it is that I hit my rock bottom thirty

284
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:42,160
Speaker 2: thousand feet in the air because I let the kids

285
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,640
Speaker 2: draw all over my legs. I mean, I was tanked.

286
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:48,840
Speaker 2: I couldn't get any drunker. We land, I go to

287
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,480
Speaker 2: my apartment, I go to sleep. I wake up my

288
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:56,720
Speaker 2: mom and Easton and his girlfriend had flown away. I

289
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:59,560
Speaker 2: look at my apartment and my shit is everywhere. I

290
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:01,760
Speaker 2: remember that night I had scrubbed my legs so that

291
00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:05,320
Speaker 2: I wouldn't wake up with the remnants of just the

292
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:09,760
Speaker 2: trip right amber when I tell you, I sat there

293
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:13,440
Speaker 2: and I was like, I am an alcoholic and I'm

294
00:15:13,480 --> 00:15:17,520
Speaker 2: reaching out today to that woman. I texted RX, I said,

295
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:19,160
Speaker 2: I need to talk to you immediately. I'm coming to

296
00:15:19,160 --> 00:15:21,600
Speaker 2: the office. I remember sitting in his office and saying,

297
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,720
Speaker 2: I'm letting you know that I'm identifying as an alcoholic

298
00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:26,920
Speaker 2: and I'm going to be reaching out and getting help today.

299
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:31,920
Speaker 2: And I've never been so broken, but I've never felt

300
00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:35,360
Speaker 2: more hopeful in my entire life. I reached out to

301
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,560
Speaker 2: the woman. She said, I want you to call me

302
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:39,040
Speaker 2: every day and I want to meet with you every

303
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:42,040
Speaker 2: single day until you meet your sponsor who I'm going

304
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,280
Speaker 2: to introduce you to. My first meeting was on was

305
00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:50,480
Speaker 2: in Brentwood, and then I went to another one and

306
00:15:50,560 --> 00:15:54,680
Speaker 2: I remember this woman who had like forty something years

307
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,840
Speaker 2: and she goes, I promise you when I see you

308
00:15:56,840 --> 00:16:01,000
Speaker 2: in thirty days, you're going to be a new human. Literally,

309
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,280
Speaker 2: after thirty days, she came up to me. She was like,

310
00:16:03,600 --> 00:16:06,760
Speaker 2: you look different. You have light in your eyes. She

311
00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:08,760
Speaker 2: was like, I want you to keep coming back. I'm

312
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:12,320
Speaker 2: praying that you keep coming back. It's the best decision

313
00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,640
Speaker 2: I ever made in my entire life.

314
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:16,160
Speaker 3: Thank you for sharing that story.

315
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,720
Speaker 4: And I know that's like it's you know, to say

316
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:23,000
Speaker 4: your story out loud and again, because we don't necessarily

317
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:25,000
Speaker 4: always share it in this way.

318
00:16:25,560 --> 00:16:26,600
Speaker 3: So thank you for doing that.

319
00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:29,440
Speaker 2: Well, I appreciate you doing it too, because I think

320
00:16:29,480 --> 00:16:32,960
Speaker 2: it's important that you remember your rock bottom moment often

321
00:16:33,920 --> 00:16:36,560
Speaker 2: so you remember why you chose this life.

322
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:39,560
Speaker 3: I realized that I was trying to.

323
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:45,640
Speaker 4: By drinking and taking pills and just bad behavior. I

324
00:16:45,680 --> 00:16:48,800
Speaker 4: was seeking control. That's what I wanted. I wanted to

325
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,160
Speaker 4: be in control. And then it's like, okay, well why

326
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,600
Speaker 4: do I want to be in control? Because I have

327
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,400
Speaker 4: so much grief and I didn't want to get out

328
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:56,640
Speaker 4: of the grief. I was trying to get out of

329
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:58,160
Speaker 4: the grief. I just didn't know how. It's like I

330
00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,880
Speaker 4: was in this hole and I was just every time.

331
00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:03,520
Speaker 4: But again, it's like these stories that we repeat in

332
00:17:03,560 --> 00:17:07,520
Speaker 4: our head over and over again that keeps that addiction alive.

333
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:12,840
Speaker 4: And well, how did you in the first thirty days.

334
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:16,240
Speaker 3: Cope from not drinking? Did you go to rehab?

335
00:17:17,440 --> 00:17:20,840
Speaker 2: So the first meeting that I had with this woman,

336
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:24,040
Speaker 2: and she wasn't She was a case manager, so a

337
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:29,719
Speaker 2: lot of people I paid her because she dealt with

338
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:33,600
Speaker 2: people who are coming out of rehab, and my first meeting,

339
00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:36,120
Speaker 2: she said, after I told her my story, she said,

340
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,040
Speaker 2: I think you need to go to rehab. And I said,

341
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:42,480
Speaker 2: listen to me. I am so dead set on being sober.

342
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,359
Speaker 2: If I relapse, I promise you I will check myself

343
00:17:45,359 --> 00:17:49,120
Speaker 2: into rehab that fucking day. But just give me a shot,

344
00:17:49,359 --> 00:17:51,200
Speaker 2: because I think I can do this. I want it

345
00:17:51,359 --> 00:17:56,200
Speaker 2: so badly. And she actually gave me. When the Brent

346
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:59,000
Speaker 2: Shapiro Foundation, which for those of you who are not

347
00:17:59,040 --> 00:18:02,960
Speaker 2: familiar with it, it was started by Robert and Linnelle Shapiro,

348
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:07,600
Speaker 2: the attorney and his wife, and they lost their son Brent,

349
00:18:08,240 --> 00:18:13,679
Speaker 2: to drugs. So what they do is inspire our youth

350
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:17,320
Speaker 2: junior high to high school and incentivize them that if

351
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:20,800
Speaker 2: you stay sober, you have a shot at getting a

352
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:25,480
Speaker 2: full ride scholarship to a college. I love your choice. Wow.

353
00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:30,960
Speaker 2: So it's a wonderful, wonderful charity. I just I love

354
00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,240
Speaker 2: everything about it. But when I met Bob, he said,

355
00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:35,879
Speaker 2: I would really love to give you the Spirit of

356
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,639
Speaker 2: Sobriety Award this year. This was, you know, during season

357
00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:46,720
Speaker 2: we were actually filming season ten, and this woman who

358
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,880
Speaker 2: saved my life, I call her my angel. I called

359
00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:52,119
Speaker 2: her and she picked up and walked me through what

360
00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,080
Speaker 2: my new life was going to be like. She gave

361
00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:59,600
Speaker 2: it to me, presented me with this award, and she

362
00:18:59,720 --> 00:19:02,720
Speaker 2: said and in her speech, and this stuck with me.

363
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:09,400
Speaker 2: She said, you know, this is my unicorn. And there's

364
00:19:09,440 --> 00:19:11,119
Speaker 2: so many times that people reach out to me, and

365
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,560
Speaker 2: I know that they've been reaching out to you on

366
00:19:12,720 --> 00:19:17,760
Speaker 2: like how do you stay strong in your sobriety? And

367
00:19:17,840 --> 00:19:23,240
Speaker 2: I don't really know how to answer it because it's

368
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:27,639
Speaker 2: just a feeling that I have that makes me feel

369
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:30,760
Speaker 2: so happy and good. There's moments I pass bars and

370
00:19:30,800 --> 00:19:32,680
Speaker 2: I go, oh, a drink would be really good right now.

371
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,640
Speaker 2: But then I walk myself through the rock bottom moment

372
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,960
Speaker 2: and where that will lead me. And there's there are

373
00:19:38,080 --> 00:19:39,960
Speaker 2: days where I can't stay sober for myself and I

374
00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,280
Speaker 2: stay sober for my kids.

375
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:43,840
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's a pause, it's a spiritual pause. I think

376
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:48,080
Speaker 3: that's what the program gives us is these tools, the

377
00:19:48,119 --> 00:19:50,320
Speaker 3: tools from AA gave me a foundation.

378
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:52,399
Speaker 4: But I also need outside help because a lot of

379
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,359
Speaker 4: people think like, oh, if you have mental health issues,

380
00:19:55,840 --> 00:20:00,480
Speaker 4: then you can't take any SSRIs. That's not that's not

381
00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:05,040
Speaker 4: true at all. I think everyone's program is very different.

382
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,680
Speaker 4: If you need outside help meaning therapy, or you need

383
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:11,080
Speaker 4: a life coach, whatever it is, you create your own toolbox,

384
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,680
Speaker 4: which is so beautiful, like we have a set of tools.

385
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:16,880
Speaker 3: Do the twelve step program right.

386
00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:19,239
Speaker 4: Don't be a part of a twelve step program if

387
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:20,720
Speaker 4: you're not going to work the twelve steps.

388
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,960
Speaker 2: And once you're finished with the twelve steps, you always

389
00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000
Speaker 2: go back to one. It's never done.

390
00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:29,040
Speaker 4: I'm on my second round and let me tell you,

391
00:20:29,359 --> 00:20:32,240
Speaker 4: I'm doing it with a different sponsor. I'm having a

392
00:20:32,240 --> 00:20:34,520
Speaker 4: different experience. And it doesn't matter if you've been sober

393
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,760
Speaker 4: forty years, thirty years, twenty years. From what I've heard

394
00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:38,879
Speaker 4: in these rooms is that you always have a different

395
00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,199
Speaker 4: experience every time you do them, and stuff comes up

396
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,119
Speaker 4: all the time, right because life is happening right, And

397
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,240
Speaker 4: it doesn't mean that life is not messy.

398
00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:47,280
Speaker 3: Trust me.

399
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:49,040
Speaker 4: I have to wake up every day and I say

400
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:50,800
Speaker 4: to myself, literally.

401
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,360
Speaker 3: Today this was my day.

402
00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:54,760
Speaker 4: I wake up five o'clock, my head's already going and

403
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,560
Speaker 4: I'm like, Nope, you're not going to do this. You're

404
00:20:56,560 --> 00:20:58,760
Speaker 4: going to get to your head before your head gets

405
00:20:58,760 --> 00:20:59,000
Speaker 4: to you.

406
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:00,600
Speaker 3: And that's what I have to say.

407
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:06,240
Speaker 4: I love that so then immediately I put in my headphones,

408
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:11,240
Speaker 4: I do my Joe Despenza meditation, put myself into gratitude.

409
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:12,880
Speaker 3: I say my third step prayer.

410
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:15,920
Speaker 4: Now I'm working on my seventh step, which is a

411
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:18,920
Speaker 4: completely different experience than I had before.

412
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:23,080
Speaker 3: And I pray and then and then I go about

413
00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:23,440
Speaker 3: my day.

414
00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:26,639
Speaker 4: So if I do not get to my head before

415
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,080
Speaker 4: my head gets to me, that's the first step. It's

416
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,240
Speaker 4: a twenty four hour program and that is what I need.

417
00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:34,560
Speaker 4: And then I have all these other tools. Go to

418
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,920
Speaker 4: the gym, you know, if I need a pause during

419
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,359
Speaker 4: the day, whatever it is, call you know, you're sine

420
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:41,360
Speaker 4: my routine.

421
00:21:41,359 --> 00:21:42,080
Speaker 2: You have a routine.

422
00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:44,119
Speaker 3: So it's like a daily reprieve and that's what they

423
00:21:44,119 --> 00:21:44,399
Speaker 3: call it.

424
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:47,240
Speaker 4: So people that are listening that want to get sober,

425
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,200
Speaker 4: just know it's not easy, but it's worth it. And

426
00:21:52,240 --> 00:21:54,520
Speaker 4: like there is a program, find a sponsor and start

427
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:57,040
Speaker 4: working the program. That is the only way that sobriety

428
00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,440
Speaker 4: has worked for me. For me, it was just rebooting

429
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:02,560
Speaker 4: my life emotionally spiritually. I had to strip myself down

430
00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:05,000
Speaker 4: and it still happens on a daily basis and some

431
00:22:05,119 --> 00:22:08,560
Speaker 4: days I'm spiraling and guess what I can call you,

432
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:11,240
Speaker 4: I can call my sponsor, I could journal pen to

433
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,800
Speaker 4: paper like it. Just these are the tools that I

434
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 4: need every day to make sure that I'm spiritually.

435
00:22:19,359 --> 00:22:20,400
Speaker 3: Okay in a line.

436
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,119
Speaker 4: Yeah, and not every day is perfect that and I

437
00:22:23,119 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 4: say this all the time.

438
00:22:23,920 --> 00:22:27,359
Speaker 3: Growth is not linear, like you just have to start.

439
00:22:36,359 --> 00:22:38,000
Speaker 2: I want to go back to what you said as

440
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:41,320
Speaker 2: well for anyone who wants to get sober, because they

441
00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,480
Speaker 2: call it the pink cloud. When you first get sober

442
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:49,520
Speaker 2: and you feel elated and youphoric, but then life still

443
00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:53,800
Speaker 2: happens and now you're forced to deal with it with

444
00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:59,080
Speaker 2: nothing to numb you out. You're there head to head,

445
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:04,399
Speaker 2: face to face, and it can become I mean, I

446
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:07,520
Speaker 2: go back to when my sobriety was very much tested.

447
00:23:07,640 --> 00:23:10,000
Speaker 2: My sobriety wasn't tested when I lost my dad because

448
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:13,240
Speaker 2: I got I had my last drink exactly six months

449
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:17,320
Speaker 2: to the day that my dad passed away. And honestly,

450
00:23:18,000 --> 00:23:21,560
Speaker 2: when I had that moment of you're an alcoholic and

451
00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:25,160
Speaker 2: you're never living this way again, I felt my dad amber.

452
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,800
Speaker 2: I felt my dad come to me and say, like,

453
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:31,359
Speaker 2: enough is enough, and now you're going to warn me

454
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:36,639
Speaker 2: the way that I deserve to be mourned, and after

455
00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:42,399
Speaker 2: that I had such like a positive experience thinking about him,

456
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:45,639
Speaker 2: like before that drinking six months. I've seen people who

457
00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:49,679
Speaker 2: have lost their parents, right, of course, they're devastated, but

458
00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:51,840
Speaker 2: they're moving through life in their mourning in such a

459
00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:56,280
Speaker 2: healthy way. I wasn't doing that. I was just beside myself.

460
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:59,520
Speaker 2: I couldn't get a grasp on what I was feeling.

461
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,560
Speaker 2: I couldn't even go through a grieving process because anytime

462
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:07,760
Speaker 2: I was awake, I was just numbing the fuck out.

463
00:24:09,040 --> 00:24:11,400
Speaker 2: But my sobriety was very much tested when I left

464
00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:15,720
Speaker 2: my ex. And I think about what I achieved in

465
00:24:15,760 --> 00:24:18,240
Speaker 2: such a short period of time. And I'm not even

466
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:23,679
Speaker 2: talking about the tangible shit I'm talking about, like becoming

467
00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:30,200
Speaker 2: a single mom. I'm talking about my independence that I

468
00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:35,360
Speaker 2: really have never had, like those things. It was put

469
00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,360
Speaker 2: to the test. And I think about if I had

470
00:24:37,440 --> 00:24:41,160
Speaker 2: picked up a drink, how different this story would have ended.

471
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,040
Speaker 4: And you were there for your mom. Think about if

472
00:24:44,040 --> 00:24:47,560
Speaker 4: you weren't sober, how you couldn't show up.

473
00:24:48,119 --> 00:24:50,000
Speaker 2: And then I was able to allow my mom to

474
00:24:50,040 --> 00:24:52,600
Speaker 2: grieve the death of her husband. I mean she couldn't

475
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,960
Speaker 2: even every time we were together I mean she and

476
00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,359
Speaker 2: I would both go to Ralph's near my apartment, and

477
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,680
Speaker 2: it started at as a bottle of champagne for both

478
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:03,480
Speaker 2: of us, and then we each got our own bottle.

479
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,280
Speaker 2: And then when she went back to Utah, she lived

480
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,879
Speaker 2: in normal she was in normy, but when she was

481
00:25:07,920 --> 00:25:12,520
Speaker 2: with me, we were numbing the fuck out. And you know,

482
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:16,800
Speaker 2: my mom doesn't drink anymore strictly based off of like

483
00:25:17,840 --> 00:25:21,399
Speaker 2: just supporting me in Easton. She's not sober, she's not

484
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:25,560
Speaker 2: in a program. She just doesn't drink. But when people,

485
00:25:26,040 --> 00:25:31,160
Speaker 2: when people want what we have, I always prepare them.

486
00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:35,200
Speaker 2: Look at who you're choosing as your sponsor, because that's

487
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,320
Speaker 2: going to be your fucking lifeline. You also have to

488
00:25:38,359 --> 00:25:42,480
Speaker 2: really sit down and commit to really looking at yourself

489
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,720
Speaker 2: and your addiction and finding your higher power and knowing

490
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,560
Speaker 2: that when you go out into the world, life is

491
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:52,200
Speaker 2: still happening. It doesn't stop because you've gotten sober. People

492
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,920
Speaker 2: are still going to act the way they act. People

493
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,960
Speaker 2: are still going to pick up drinks. You have to

494
00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,600
Speaker 2: now think about what you can control. And that's so

495
00:26:00,680 --> 00:26:02,800
Speaker 2: funny that you talked about you would pick up because

496
00:26:02,840 --> 00:26:07,240
Speaker 2: you wanted control over something you finally realize the only

497
00:26:07,280 --> 00:26:09,359
Speaker 2: thing I have control over is myself and what I

498
00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:11,200
Speaker 2: choose to do, and that could.

499
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,080
Speaker 3: Be sometimes the hardest thing to let go of.

500
00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:16,680
Speaker 2: I know, I want to control everything.

501
00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:17,719
Speaker 3: Of course we all do.

502
00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:22,000
Speaker 2: Like yesterday, I wanted Ocean to wear something cute and

503
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:25,199
Speaker 2: she put on a pink striped shirt with a green

504
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,040
Speaker 2: plaid skirt and hot pink shoes, and I was like,

505
00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:31,840
Speaker 2: I'm picking my battles. This is a negotiation that I

506
00:26:31,880 --> 00:26:36,520
Speaker 2: will not win, but I want to control everything. You're like,

507
00:26:36,560 --> 00:26:37,359
Speaker 2: you don't much.

508
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:42,680
Speaker 4: What about your spirituality compared to being sober? Like were

509
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,840
Speaker 4: you spiritual before you were you got sober?

510
00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:48,639
Speaker 2: I was raised like you were raised Mormon, like you

511
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:54,840
Speaker 2: had you had a very structured faith, correct, Yeah, mine

512
00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:58,159
Speaker 2: was not. Mine was like we would pop into like

513
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:01,800
Speaker 2: a no nominational tri where like everyone was in jeans

514
00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:03,760
Speaker 2: and like or in like ski outfits because they were

515
00:27:03,760 --> 00:27:07,200
Speaker 2: gonna love that. It was wonderful. It's like a rock

516
00:27:07,359 --> 00:27:10,680
Speaker 2: band that would play and they talked about very much

517
00:27:10,800 --> 00:27:14,679
Speaker 2: like everyday issues that were happening in our lives, and

518
00:27:14,720 --> 00:27:17,440
Speaker 2: it just always seemed to speak to me. But spirituality

519
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:21,199
Speaker 2: was like at the forefront of our family because my

520
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:24,880
Speaker 2: dad was raised very Mormon and that was traumatizing for him,

521
00:27:25,240 --> 00:27:27,880
Speaker 2: and my mom was raised in a very Christian household,

522
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,879
Speaker 2: which I think was a little intense for her. So

523
00:27:30,920 --> 00:27:33,879
Speaker 2: they came together and created just like we believe in God,

524
00:27:34,080 --> 00:27:36,960
Speaker 2: and that's what it is. When my dad passed away

525
00:27:37,040 --> 00:27:41,240
Speaker 2: is the first time I questioned a higher power. So

526
00:27:41,240 --> 00:27:43,920
Speaker 2: I'm like, there were a God, I would not feel

527
00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:47,280
Speaker 2: this way. You wouldn't have taken my dad, this wonderful man.

528
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:50,000
Speaker 2: You would have taken the piece of shit who's causing

529
00:27:50,040 --> 00:27:53,800
Speaker 2: people harm. Like that was my mindset. When I got sober,

530
00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:59,800
Speaker 2: Oh gosh, I leaned hard into my higher power, which

531
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:03,280
Speaker 2: for me is is God. I don't think he's a

532
00:28:03,320 --> 00:28:06,080
Speaker 2: man in the sky by any means with like a

533
00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:12,840
Speaker 2: beard and looking all sexy, okay.

534
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:17,439
Speaker 4: Right right right, or that one movie, uh Telldigan Knights,

535
00:28:18,480 --> 00:28:20,320
Speaker 4: he's like a he's a man, he has.

536
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:23,439
Speaker 2: A beard, Yeah exactly. He doesn't look like that for me.

537
00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:29,199
Speaker 2: But when I left our ex bro, that's when I

538
00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:34,560
Speaker 2: was like, God is fucking alive and well and he's

539
00:28:34,600 --> 00:28:38,719
Speaker 2: fucking working hard, and this universe has my back and

540
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,600
Speaker 2: this is all gonna make sense one day. I didn't

541
00:28:41,680 --> 00:28:44,320
Speaker 2: question any of it because it was all I fucking had.

542
00:28:45,320 --> 00:28:48,760
Speaker 3: M gosh, I didn't have that experience, but I'm glad.

543
00:28:48,520 --> 00:28:52,280
Speaker 2: You did know. But when that happened to you, you

544
00:28:52,320 --> 00:28:57,000
Speaker 2: weren't sober. No, do you think it would have happened

545
00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:57,880
Speaker 2: if you were sober?

546
00:28:58,640 --> 00:28:58,840
Speaker 4: Oh?

547
00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:00,320
Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I definitely would have.

548
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:04,040
Speaker 4: I would have definitely had a some sort of different experience.

549
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:09,320
Speaker 4: But like growing up Mormon, it was great because it

550
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:14,520
Speaker 4: kept me grounded ish as a kid. They also say

551
00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,640
Speaker 4: Mormon girls are like the horniest ones, Like if you

552
00:29:16,680 --> 00:29:18,120
Speaker 4: go to Utah, they're always.

553
00:29:17,800 --> 00:29:19,240
Speaker 2: Like is it true?

554
00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:20,280
Speaker 4: Me?

555
00:29:20,600 --> 00:29:21,920
Speaker 3: No, what are you talking about?

556
00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:22,640
Speaker 2: Now? Not at all?

557
00:29:23,320 --> 00:29:24,560
Speaker 3: That is such a lot.

558
00:29:25,800 --> 00:29:27,360
Speaker 2: That is such a lot, baby.

559
00:29:27,800 --> 00:29:33,000
Speaker 4: But but I realized that like this, and I question

560
00:29:33,240 --> 00:29:35,160
Speaker 4: everything in the Mormon Church. I remember when I before

561
00:29:35,200 --> 00:29:37,320
Speaker 4: I got baptized, I was like why why? I was

562
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:38,920
Speaker 4: like a three year old when I was like, I

563
00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,400
Speaker 4: think it was nine when I got baptized.

564
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:43,920
Speaker 2: I only feel like the Mormon Church's worst nightmare. Put

565
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,360
Speaker 2: your questions on the shelf, baby.

566
00:29:46,560 --> 00:29:48,640
Speaker 3: I know they did not like me.

567
00:29:50,720 --> 00:29:54,080
Speaker 4: And then all of a sudden, then I started going,

568
00:29:54,480 --> 00:29:57,160
Speaker 4: you know, my I promised my exit we would raise

569
00:29:57,160 --> 00:29:59,200
Speaker 4: the kiss Jewish and I was like great, Like I

570
00:29:59,280 --> 00:30:01,600
Speaker 4: was so happy, and then I love being part of

571
00:30:01,640 --> 00:30:04,320
Speaker 4: the Jewish community and I was up you know, at

572
00:30:04,320 --> 00:30:06,479
Speaker 4: the temple and whatever and night. So I kind of

573
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:08,400
Speaker 4: like started finding my own spirituality.

574
00:30:08,520 --> 00:30:10,240
Speaker 2: Did you ever convert to Judaism?

575
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:13,880
Speaker 4: I started the conversion process right before I moved to Montana,

576
00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:16,200
Speaker 4: so recently.

577
00:30:16,000 --> 00:30:17,440
Speaker 2: Are you still wanting to do that?

578
00:30:17,920 --> 00:30:19,480
Speaker 3: Yes? I do. I would like love.

579
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:22,520
Speaker 2: So that's that is the religion that speaks to you

580
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:22,960
Speaker 2: the most.

581
00:30:23,320 --> 00:30:26,400
Speaker 3: It is, it really is. I'm not you know, I

582
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:27,840
Speaker 3: struggle with that laala.

583
00:30:27,960 --> 00:30:31,240
Speaker 4: I really do, because I want my kids to have

584
00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:35,440
Speaker 4: some sort of foundation. And I just wanted tradition. I

585
00:30:35,440 --> 00:30:37,160
Speaker 4: think that's what I was craving at the end of

586
00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:39,880
Speaker 4: the day. I wanted a family that like walked in

587
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:44,280
Speaker 4: and had maybe not to temple together. I wanted Shabbat

588
00:30:44,320 --> 00:30:47,080
Speaker 4: dinners And it wasn't It was just about lighting the

589
00:30:47,120 --> 00:30:49,280
Speaker 4: candles and having a moment where the phones were put

590
00:30:49,320 --> 00:30:52,080
Speaker 4: away and we were just thinking about this beautiful life

591
00:30:52,080 --> 00:30:53,000
Speaker 4: that God has given us.

592
00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:53,520
Speaker 3: And I fought that.

593
00:30:53,640 --> 00:30:55,440
Speaker 4: I was like, you asked for this, and now I'm

594
00:30:55,440 --> 00:30:58,040
Speaker 4: begging for it and it is what it is, and

595
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,040
Speaker 4: so now I'm on. I think my own what AA

596
00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:05,640
Speaker 4: has given me is my own relationship to a higher power.

597
00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:08,840
Speaker 4: And I don't force anything down my kids. I do,

598
00:31:09,920 --> 00:31:12,480
Speaker 4: especially with London because she's older, and when she goes

599
00:31:12,520 --> 00:31:14,800
Speaker 4: through a hard time or she's having a hard day,

600
00:31:15,760 --> 00:31:19,680
Speaker 4: I say to her things like maybe you should pray.

601
00:31:20,440 --> 00:31:22,680
Speaker 2: What does she say when you tell her that? She goes?

602
00:31:22,760 --> 00:31:24,960
Speaker 4: I know, And sometimes I ask, I said, do you

603
00:31:25,000 --> 00:31:26,960
Speaker 4: want me to pray with you? And sometimes she does

604
00:31:27,000 --> 00:31:30,040
Speaker 4: and sometimes she doesn't. And I think that just letting

605
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:35,040
Speaker 4: my kids find their own spiritual relationship with whatever it

606
00:31:35,120 --> 00:31:37,200
Speaker 4: is right, And I even told my girls, I said,

607
00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:40,360
Speaker 4: it could be in the beginning, let it be whatever.

608
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,160
Speaker 4: Let it be a special tree outside or a special

609
00:31:44,280 --> 00:31:46,400
Speaker 4: It doesn't have to be like we said this man.

610
00:31:46,480 --> 00:31:48,640
Speaker 4: It could be a man or a woman or whatever.

611
00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,400
Speaker 4: You could just pray to the universe, to Mother Nature.

612
00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:56,040
Speaker 4: And when you strip yourself down spiritually that way, and

613
00:31:56,080 --> 00:32:01,200
Speaker 4: you give yourself the permission to make these steps towards

614
00:32:01,560 --> 00:32:06,560
Speaker 4: realizing there's something greater than yourself, then you find something

615
00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:11,400
Speaker 4: and then you ask like okay, God, like if you're

616
00:32:11,400 --> 00:32:15,000
Speaker 4: here today, like just let me know that my angels

617
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,040
Speaker 4: are with me, and then for me, I'll see my

618
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:19,719
Speaker 4: eleven eleven, or I'll see when I was in La,

619
00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:22,760
Speaker 4: I would see Hummingbird or the other day. I was

620
00:32:22,840 --> 00:32:25,200
Speaker 4: just like, I didn't really feel like my angels were

621
00:32:25,240 --> 00:32:26,960
Speaker 4: with me. And I said, are you there, and if

622
00:32:26,960 --> 00:32:30,280
Speaker 4: you are, show me something red, no joke. I walked

623
00:32:30,280 --> 00:32:34,600
Speaker 4: out of my room and I looked out my window

624
00:32:35,480 --> 00:32:39,880
Speaker 4: across like a thousand yards and I saw a piece

625
00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,680
Speaker 4: of a red house. And I would never look out

626
00:32:42,720 --> 00:32:44,960
Speaker 4: the window when I walked out my room. Then Riley's

627
00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:49,200
Speaker 4: friend comes down the stairs and she put on Riley's

628
00:32:49,360 --> 00:32:50,240
Speaker 4: red sweatshirt.

629
00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:51,280
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh.

630
00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:54,840
Speaker 4: Then I'm driving the girls to a steakhouse Riley and

631
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:57,880
Speaker 4: her two friends. And I had at this point, I

632
00:32:57,920 --> 00:32:59,880
Speaker 4: had completely forgot that I had asked the universe for

633
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,360
Speaker 4: I need to show me anything red.

634
00:33:01,760 --> 00:33:03,880
Speaker 3: And it just came to me. And there's a red

635
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:05,280
Speaker 3: truck driving in front of me.

636
00:33:05,720 --> 00:33:07,320
Speaker 2: You're like, bitch, you want to know we're here. We're

637
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:08,440
Speaker 2: gonna show you read all day.

638
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:11,560
Speaker 3: I'm like, what, Okay, I get it. You're here.

639
00:33:11,800 --> 00:33:15,920
Speaker 2: So when you forget, you could ask, just ask, you

640
00:33:15,960 --> 00:33:19,920
Speaker 2: know what, though, Amber, there are so many moments, even

641
00:33:19,960 --> 00:33:22,840
Speaker 2: though I know that, like I'm being looked after, like

642
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:25,800
Speaker 2: I can feel that. I know that, but I'll pray

643
00:33:25,920 --> 00:33:27,920
Speaker 2: and I will tell him. I'm like, I'm having a

644
00:33:27,960 --> 00:33:32,240
Speaker 2: really weak moment. I'm questioning you, buddy, what the fuck

645
00:33:32,320 --> 00:33:35,320
Speaker 2: is going on? I just want to know, just want

646
00:33:35,320 --> 00:33:37,560
Speaker 2: to fucking know, Like, what's the game plan here? Buddy?

647
00:33:37,960 --> 00:33:41,640
Speaker 2: You know again, I know you're there and I'm being weak.

648
00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:45,240
Speaker 2: But my mom always says, so I'll have these moments

649
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:49,160
Speaker 2: of saying like I'm really questioning it, man, and she'll go,

650
00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:53,200
Speaker 2: you want to question him? Just wait and see what

651
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:54,560
Speaker 2: he'll do if you question him. I'm like, well, I

652
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 2: don't know that God. If that's your God works, I

653
00:33:57,080 --> 00:33:59,880
Speaker 2: don't know that. I want that God to just see

654
00:34:00,120 --> 00:34:02,520
Speaker 2: how bad it fucking can get. I'm like, I don't know.

655
00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:06,320
Speaker 2: World seems kind of bad right now, seems pretty pretty bad.

656
00:34:07,280 --> 00:34:10,680
Speaker 4: I say that those moments that I have right when

657
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:13,879
Speaker 4: you ask, it's like a God wink. It's like God

658
00:34:13,920 --> 00:34:15,840
Speaker 4: winking at you, going I got you.

659
00:34:16,320 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 3: And it's okay.

660
00:34:17,840 --> 00:34:21,920
Speaker 2: And after I pray and sometimes i'll loop, I'm like

661
00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,680
Speaker 2: I still got the pit, like I need to feel you,

662
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:27,120
Speaker 2: And then all of the sudden it just like goes away.

663
00:34:27,960 --> 00:34:31,160
Speaker 2: I'm like, all will be good. Let's be grateful for

664
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:33,120
Speaker 2: our health, things that are right in front of us.

665
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:37,120
Speaker 2: In fact, I'm really really bad at going to meetings

666
00:34:37,160 --> 00:34:40,800
Speaker 2: right now, Like I'm gonna be very transparent. I am bad,

667
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,719
Speaker 2: but I'm a part of this group chat and I'm

668
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:47,520
Speaker 2: very transparent with my sponsor. Like we were supposed to

669
00:34:47,600 --> 00:34:50,840
Speaker 2: start going to meetings every Thursday, and there was a

670
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:52,399
Speaker 2: time where I had canceled and I was like, I'm

671
00:34:52,400 --> 00:34:55,879
Speaker 2: gonna be honest. I was like, I would actually rather

672
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,719
Speaker 2: just like chill with my kids this morning. I don't

673
00:34:57,719 --> 00:34:59,560
Speaker 2: really want to hit a meeting. And she was like,

674
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,719
Speaker 2: you know what, why don't we start? Just like if

675
00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,959
Speaker 2: you feel you're strong in your sobriety, this is where

676
00:35:05,120 --> 00:35:07,840
Speaker 2: finding your sponsor comes into play. I don't want you

677
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:12,480
Speaker 2: freaking calling me every day. I've been sober for over

678
00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,640
Speaker 2: seven years. Granted I could pick up a drink tomorrow

679
00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,440
Speaker 2: and it could all be gone, but like, I will

680
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:23,879
Speaker 2: call you. I want this bad, And I do call her.

681
00:35:24,200 --> 00:35:26,640
Speaker 2: I call her when shit gets fucking real. And she's

682
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:32,120
Speaker 2: given me epic advice, like life changing advice, but she

683
00:35:32,280 --> 00:35:35,960
Speaker 2: has me in this gratitude text thread, and it allows

684
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:39,880
Speaker 2: me amber to sit back and go, what am I

685
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:42,759
Speaker 2: grateful for? I'm so consumed with all the things that

686
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:46,520
Speaker 2: are not right in this moment. Let's take a step

687
00:35:46,560 --> 00:35:48,839
Speaker 2: back and look at the things that have gone right.

688
00:35:49,960 --> 00:35:54,439
Speaker 2: And it kind of resets me. I'm supposed to list

689
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:56,839
Speaker 2: three things, but I could list a thousand right now

690
00:35:56,880 --> 00:36:00,600
Speaker 2: because there's so much good happening that I'm not focused on.

691
00:36:01,239 --> 00:36:03,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, it's the best, haven't you.

692
00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:06,040
Speaker 4: It's like those those simple things that you think that

693
00:36:06,320 --> 00:36:09,040
Speaker 4: are like so annoying to do, Like I don't want

694
00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:10,040
Speaker 4: and I have the same thing.

695
00:36:10,080 --> 00:36:11,200
Speaker 3: It's part of the program.

696
00:36:11,600 --> 00:36:14,160
Speaker 4: I have my list of girls that I and I

697
00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:17,200
Speaker 4: just get Sometimes I get lazy and I know, I know,

698
00:36:17,280 --> 00:36:19,320
Speaker 4: and I'm not doing it. I get a little eared

699
00:36:19,360 --> 00:36:21,840
Speaker 4: wool and I get discontent and I'm like, oh, like

700
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:23,120
Speaker 4: I just catch myself.

701
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:29,000
Speaker 3: What about when you go to parties?

702
00:36:29,040 --> 00:36:29,279
Speaker 2: Now?

703
00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:31,360
Speaker 3: Like, how do you manage you?

704
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:31,520
Speaker 4: Know?

705
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:34,000
Speaker 3: Your your Uh?

706
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:36,920
Speaker 4: Are you fucking kidding me? You're still sucking on that thing.

707
00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,080
Speaker 4: If I could come through the screen and rip that

708
00:36:39,120 --> 00:36:39,760
Speaker 4: out of your hand.

709
00:36:39,920 --> 00:36:43,359
Speaker 2: Do you want to know what's happening today? Easton's going

710
00:36:43,400 --> 00:36:46,480
Speaker 2: to Utah with the vape and you know I don't

711
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:50,759
Speaker 2: buy them. I don't buy them, but it's happening like

712
00:36:50,800 --> 00:36:54,240
Speaker 2: it has to. It's it's I mean, I'm having surgery,

713
00:36:54,840 --> 00:36:57,800
Speaker 2: so everyone wished me fucking look, but I am telling you, Amber,

714
00:36:58,239 --> 00:37:02,080
Speaker 2: the vape has become my security blanket when I go out.

715
00:37:02,719 --> 00:37:04,600
Speaker 3: I know, I was with you all.

716
00:37:04,520 --> 00:37:09,080
Speaker 4: Weekend, I saw, I saw. I'm really listen.

717
00:37:09,160 --> 00:37:09,760
Speaker 2: I'm worried.

718
00:37:10,040 --> 00:37:11,840
Speaker 3: I've puffed on the vape a few.

719
00:37:11,640 --> 00:37:14,719
Speaker 4: Times and I'm like, whoa, I like this way too

720
00:37:14,840 --> 00:37:17,279
Speaker 4: much and I don't I wouldn't buy them either, and

721
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:20,080
Speaker 4: my kids are older, so I definitely could not.

722
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:24,680
Speaker 3: But oh my god, it's I get it. I get it.

723
00:37:25,160 --> 00:37:28,480
Speaker 2: No, it's it's really bad, and it's really bad for you.

724
00:37:28,880 --> 00:37:32,200
Speaker 3: It's iley ii ley bad for you.

725
00:37:32,719 --> 00:37:34,200
Speaker 2: And you know what. I had given it up for

726
00:37:34,320 --> 00:37:37,200
Speaker 2: so long, and I remember shit hitting the fan with

727
00:37:37,280 --> 00:37:40,160
Speaker 2: our ex in that moment and I was smoking it

728
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:43,719
Speaker 2: and my mom was like, you picked that shit back

729
00:37:43,800 --> 00:37:48,680
Speaker 2: up again. I was in that bedroom and I was like, Mom,

730
00:37:48,719 --> 00:37:51,239
Speaker 2: not the time, And let me tell you something. The

731
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:53,640
Speaker 2: stress I'm feeling right now is gonna kill me before

732
00:37:53,680 --> 00:37:59,799
Speaker 2: this fucking vape does. Like I was stressed and then

733
00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:03,000
Speaker 2: seven years later, I mean I took long breaks. I

734
00:38:03,000 --> 00:38:05,439
Speaker 2: mean I was pregnant and breastfeeding. I wasn't vaping during

735
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:07,600
Speaker 2: that time. I'm like, why did you pick it back

736
00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:09,719
Speaker 2: up again? It's because I'm out and someone has one.

737
00:38:09,719 --> 00:38:10,840
Speaker 2: I'm like, I have a puff of that.

738
00:38:11,040 --> 00:38:12,040
Speaker 3: Yeah, because it's easy.

739
00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:14,360
Speaker 4: Immediately we're off to the races again. I know, you

740
00:38:14,440 --> 00:38:16,160
Speaker 4: just got to be gentle on yourself. And the most

741
00:38:16,200 --> 00:38:16,839
Speaker 4: important thing.

742
00:38:16,800 --> 00:38:20,080
Speaker 2: Is amber I've been sober over seven years. All right,

743
00:38:20,160 --> 00:38:24,319
Speaker 2: well you it's time. Okay, you don't have to convince me.

744
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:28,920
Speaker 2: I know it's trying to convince myself because it's such

745
00:38:30,239 --> 00:38:34,239
Speaker 2: like when I have moments of feeling stressed out or

746
00:38:34,480 --> 00:38:39,239
Speaker 2: we're going out to a party, I'm like, I have

747
00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:43,839
Speaker 2: to have my thing, but I don't. I'm fine.

748
00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,799
Speaker 3: Like you said, it's a pacifier.

749
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:49,280
Speaker 2: It is. And like you said, a craving only lasts

750
00:38:49,320 --> 00:38:51,160
Speaker 2: how long, Well.

751
00:38:51,040 --> 00:38:55,239
Speaker 4: A feeling, so the feelings only last ninety seconds. So

752
00:38:55,280 --> 00:38:58,200
Speaker 4: you're picking up that vape because you're having a fing Yeah,

753
00:38:58,480 --> 00:39:11,400
Speaker 4: having a feeling now if you need, you're such a bitch. Okay,

754
00:39:11,400 --> 00:39:13,360
Speaker 4: So let's just do a few questions. Because people wrote

755
00:39:13,360 --> 00:39:16,799
Speaker 4: in some really great questions. And so one of the

756
00:39:16,800 --> 00:39:19,279
Speaker 4: first questions that I think is really good, Laala, is

757
00:39:19,320 --> 00:39:22,160
Speaker 4: what does sobriety give you that you don't want to lose?

758
00:39:23,239 --> 00:39:28,040
Speaker 2: My entire life Without my sobriety, I don't have what's

759
00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:31,560
Speaker 2: happening here. I lose my relationship with my mother and

760
00:39:31,640 --> 00:39:36,279
Speaker 2: my brother. I lose my interactions with my children, which,

761
00:39:36,400 --> 00:39:39,120
Speaker 2: let's be honest, the stress of the day can mentally

762
00:39:39,120 --> 00:39:41,920
Speaker 2: take you away from your kids. Without alcohol, I'm not

763
00:39:42,000 --> 00:39:45,160
Speaker 2: going to allow a drink to take me away from

764
00:39:45,200 --> 00:39:50,840
Speaker 2: my kids. Let's talk about the stuff. I wouldn't be

765
00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:53,839
Speaker 2: able to go out and work and afford the lifestyle

766
00:39:53,920 --> 00:39:59,759
Speaker 2: that I have for my that I've created for my family, Like,

767
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:03,040
Speaker 2: I don't want to lose my life, which I will

768
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:03,720
Speaker 2: if I drink.

769
00:40:04,120 --> 00:40:06,359
Speaker 4: Life gets really good when you get sober. It really

770
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:09,440
Speaker 4: doesn't know what is it for you. I think for me,

771
00:40:09,520 --> 00:40:13,760
Speaker 4: it's losing myself. And I'll explain that because I feel

772
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:17,360
Speaker 4: like in my sobriety, I finally have come home to

773
00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:20,759
Speaker 4: who I am and I really missed that girl. I

774
00:40:20,880 --> 00:40:25,600
Speaker 4: really missed her. And I think, like I think that

775
00:40:27,680 --> 00:40:30,040
Speaker 4: the shit that's happened in life not just to me,

776
00:40:30,160 --> 00:40:33,080
Speaker 4: but to everybody, even dealing with all the stuff that's

777
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:36,920
Speaker 4: going on in the world, I really got pulled and

778
00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:40,359
Speaker 4: sucked in. And now I'm starting to like remember who

779
00:40:40,400 --> 00:40:43,520
Speaker 4: I am and not give a shit, right, not care

780
00:40:43,719 --> 00:40:46,920
Speaker 4: like I like who I am. I'm not perfect, but

781
00:40:46,960 --> 00:40:48,319
Speaker 4: I want my kids to be able to look up

782
00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:51,560
Speaker 4: to someone, right, Yeah, And I want them to look

783
00:40:51,640 --> 00:40:53,880
Speaker 4: up to me as their mom, as a woman, as

784
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:56,600
Speaker 4: a person in their community and their society and their life,

785
00:40:56,640 --> 00:40:58,960
Speaker 4: and be there for them. So if I lose me,

786
00:41:00,560 --> 00:41:05,120
Speaker 4: you know that's anything, I lose everything. Yeah, Okay, Amber,

787
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:06,000
Speaker 4: stop fucking crying.

788
00:41:06,000 --> 00:41:06,879
Speaker 3: See I still cry.

789
00:41:07,320 --> 00:41:08,520
Speaker 2: No, I love that you cry.

790
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:11,400
Speaker 3: Do you like sober sex better? Which I know we

791
00:41:11,440 --> 00:41:12,640
Speaker 3: had a podcast about.

792
00:41:12,440 --> 00:41:16,839
Speaker 2: That, but I've been trying to be less graphic. I

793
00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:19,240
Speaker 2: need to like tame myself a bit.

794
00:41:19,239 --> 00:41:21,080
Speaker 3: So it's a yes or no. Do you like sex

795
00:41:21,120 --> 00:41:21,800
Speaker 3: better sober?

796
00:41:22,520 --> 00:41:25,760
Speaker 2: I'm going back to that podcast where I talked about Okay,

797
00:41:25,800 --> 00:41:31,399
Speaker 2: whatever the vagina I do. I love it so much

798
00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:33,359
Speaker 2: more because I can enjoy it like I know where

799
00:41:33,360 --> 00:41:35,480
Speaker 2: I am and the person I'm with. I'm not going

800
00:41:35,520 --> 00:41:36,879
Speaker 2: to wake up the next morning and be like, how

801
00:41:36,880 --> 00:41:41,560
Speaker 2: did you get here? You looked better last night, and

802
00:41:41,680 --> 00:41:44,520
Speaker 2: also like I look better in the morning as well. Oh,

803
00:41:44,680 --> 00:41:48,239
Speaker 2: hands down, that part's great. I've had and you didn't

804
00:41:48,280 --> 00:41:49,040
Speaker 2: get to get you.

805
00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:52,720
Speaker 4: Don't get to not answer hello, I had some fun.

806
00:41:54,360 --> 00:41:55,920
Speaker 3: It's just easier.

807
00:41:56,120 --> 00:41:58,680
Speaker 4: I think for me, I'm really uncommon. I feel like

808
00:41:59,520 --> 00:42:01,279
Speaker 4: I get my head and I'm really I feel like

809
00:42:01,320 --> 00:42:04,720
Speaker 4: I'm really awkward. It's made it better, but I've gotten

810
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:08,680
Speaker 4: I've learned how to have better sex sober, and now

811
00:42:08,680 --> 00:42:10,359
Speaker 4: I'm starting to like it more.

812
00:42:10,880 --> 00:42:14,160
Speaker 2: Right, Oh no, it's terrifying the first time that you

813
00:42:14,200 --> 00:42:18,319
Speaker 2: do it without alcohol. In my head, I'm like, is

814
00:42:18,320 --> 00:42:21,160
Speaker 2: he gonna know that? Like my one boob is droopy

815
00:42:21,200 --> 00:42:23,000
Speaker 2: and the other one's like heart is a fucking rock.

816
00:42:23,040 --> 00:42:24,640
Speaker 2: And then like my go to is like, hey, it's

817
00:42:24,640 --> 00:42:27,160
Speaker 2: like you were with like two women at once. Yeah,

818
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:27,959
Speaker 2: that's kind of fun.

819
00:42:28,160 --> 00:42:30,719
Speaker 3: I'm like, turn down the lights. I don't want any

820
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:32,960
Speaker 3: lights on while this is happening.

821
00:42:33,040 --> 00:42:35,080
Speaker 2: Yeah, please don't ask me to do it doggy style

822
00:42:35,120 --> 00:42:37,080
Speaker 2: with the lights on, all right, I'd prefer not.

823
00:42:40,320 --> 00:42:44,240
Speaker 4: Oh okay, I love this one. How do I start?

824
00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:47,359
Speaker 4: I wake up thinking about it and go to bed

825
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:51,600
Speaker 4: thinking about it. That breaks my heart.

826
00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:55,720
Speaker 2: That is my story, and I think you can relate

827
00:42:55,760 --> 00:42:58,759
Speaker 2: to that as well. Oh this is just such a

828
00:42:58,760 --> 00:43:02,080
Speaker 2: hard one, isn't it? Because you have to you have

829
00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:03,400
Speaker 2: to want it so badly.

830
00:43:03,800 --> 00:43:05,640
Speaker 4: So they say in AA you have to have the

831
00:43:05,640 --> 00:43:08,160
Speaker 4: gift of desperation, and you have to be desperate enough,

832
00:43:08,400 --> 00:43:11,279
Speaker 4: like when you woke up in your apartment and you

833
00:43:11,400 --> 00:43:13,480
Speaker 4: decided to make that phone call.

834
00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:18,120
Speaker 2: Oh, I was desperate, right, you have to be desperate enough.

835
00:43:18,840 --> 00:43:22,560
Speaker 2: I wish I could give someone the roadmap to becoming sober.

836
00:43:22,760 --> 00:43:25,040
Speaker 2: But you have to want it so badly that you'd

837
00:43:25,040 --> 00:43:29,759
Speaker 2: give up everything and anything. And what's wild is in

838
00:43:29,800 --> 00:43:33,160
Speaker 2: that thought process you end up gaining everything.

839
00:43:33,640 --> 00:43:34,600
Speaker 3: Yeah, truly you do.

840
00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:38,120
Speaker 4: I think for me, I would just say if anyone

841
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:41,880
Speaker 4: is listening and is either sober curious, or is desperate

842
00:43:42,080 --> 00:43:44,120
Speaker 4: and wants to get into the rooms and get sober.

843
00:43:44,200 --> 00:43:46,160
Speaker 4: There are so many apps out there, Lala, you have

844
00:43:46,239 --> 00:43:47,239
Speaker 4: one that you use?

845
00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:49,040
Speaker 3: What is that so I use?

846
00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:51,839
Speaker 2: I actually have like a little you know how you

847
00:43:51,840 --> 00:43:56,000
Speaker 2: can on the iPhone like put different apps into sections.

848
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:58,759
Speaker 2: So I have like in my lifestyle app, which is

849
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:02,839
Speaker 2: all sobriety, the meeting guide. It's a blue tile and

850
00:44:02,880 --> 00:44:05,680
Speaker 2: it has just like a folding chair in white like

851
00:44:05,719 --> 00:44:08,800
Speaker 2: a drawing. And then I also like twenty four hours

852
00:44:08,880 --> 00:44:14,120
Speaker 2: because it keeps track of your sobriety but also gives

853
00:44:14,160 --> 00:44:16,800
Speaker 2: you like a thought of the day, and that's a

854
00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,560
Speaker 2: way to just kind of like dip your toe in.

855
00:44:18,719 --> 00:44:22,640
Speaker 2: And also on that meeting app, you can pick all

856
00:44:22,719 --> 00:44:26,600
Speaker 2: women meetings, you can pick all male meetings, a combination

857
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,800
Speaker 2: open meetings, where like if you want someone who's really

858
00:44:29,840 --> 00:44:34,799
Speaker 2: really a positive force and wants to support you in

859
00:44:34,840 --> 00:44:37,000
Speaker 2: this journey, they can attend with you. And it can

860
00:44:37,080 --> 00:44:39,120
Speaker 2: also be on Zoom, like it shows you you can

861
00:44:39,160 --> 00:44:41,680
Speaker 2: go in person. Here's the Zoom link, you.

862
00:44:41,640 --> 00:44:43,880
Speaker 4: Know, and if you go to a Zoom meeting or

863
00:44:43,920 --> 00:44:48,960
Speaker 4: in person, it's a community and everyone's like literally they'll

864
00:44:49,080 --> 00:44:51,560
Speaker 4: just hug you and say welcome home, because that's that's

865
00:44:51,600 --> 00:44:52,000
Speaker 4: what it is.

866
00:44:52,040 --> 00:44:52,760
Speaker 3: You're coming home.

867
00:44:53,000 --> 00:44:57,040
Speaker 4: So yeah, currently on day twenty three, sober from gummies

868
00:44:57,080 --> 00:45:02,480
Speaker 4: and drinking. Any advice rate, keep coming back, keep doing it.

869
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:05,480
Speaker 2: Keep doing the work. Remember there it's one day at

870
00:45:05,520 --> 00:45:07,799
Speaker 2: a time, but sometimes it's one second at a time.

871
00:45:07,840 --> 00:45:11,360
Speaker 2: And I see you because I equate like your addiction

872
00:45:11,440 --> 00:45:14,759
Speaker 2: and even though mine with the vape is not mind altering,

873
00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:16,319
Speaker 2: But it's something that I want to give up, and

874
00:45:16,360 --> 00:45:19,000
Speaker 2: it is fucking hard. But twenty three days, bitch, like

875
00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:21,279
Speaker 2: you got this, You've got this.

876
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:23,120
Speaker 3: I have a question.

877
00:45:23,160 --> 00:45:26,000
Speaker 4: You don't get a head high from the vape the

878
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:28,759
Speaker 4: first hit of the day. I do, Okay, So it

879
00:45:28,840 --> 00:45:29,719
Speaker 4: is mind altering.

880
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:36,000
Speaker 3: I'm calling out. I'm calling you out. I love you,

881
00:45:36,040 --> 00:45:36,919
Speaker 3: but I'm calling you out.

882
00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,839
Speaker 4: I love you great, that's why we're so close. Oh

883
00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:43,759
Speaker 4: how do I stay sober during rough times? Lean into

884
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:46,879
Speaker 4: the program if you're in one, call a friend, call

885
00:45:46,920 --> 00:45:50,640
Speaker 4: a sober sister, right law, any other advice?

886
00:45:51,120 --> 00:45:54,600
Speaker 2: I mean, I think that your community is everything, like

887
00:45:54,680 --> 00:45:57,480
Speaker 2: you have to have. And you know what, amber Sometimes

888
00:45:57,600 --> 00:46:01,000
Speaker 2: people who get sober they can't be friends with who

889
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:04,120
Speaker 2: they used to be friends with, and that's also very intense.

890
00:46:04,640 --> 00:46:07,960
Speaker 2: But I have my homies that are normies and they

891
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:10,960
Speaker 2: can go out and drink. But I have my sober community,

892
00:46:11,440 --> 00:46:13,359
Speaker 2: and those are the people who I may not see

893
00:46:13,400 --> 00:46:15,719
Speaker 2: every day, I may not talk to every day, but

894
00:46:15,880 --> 00:46:19,080
Speaker 2: they've got me every step of the way. And when

895
00:46:19,080 --> 00:46:21,600
Speaker 2: I first got sober, I was like talking to my

896
00:46:21,680 --> 00:46:25,719
Speaker 2: sober community multiple times a day, every single day.

897
00:46:26,040 --> 00:46:29,680
Speaker 4: Oh yeah, you lean on your sisters real hard, like

898
00:46:29,760 --> 00:46:31,759
Speaker 4: real hard. And by the way, you don't have to

899
00:46:31,840 --> 00:46:35,400
Speaker 4: go to an expensive rehab. I don't want people to

900
00:46:35,440 --> 00:46:37,200
Speaker 4: think just because they don't have the money in the

901
00:46:37,239 --> 00:46:39,480
Speaker 4: bank or they're suffering, that you have to go to

902
00:46:40,120 --> 00:46:45,440
Speaker 4: some crazy, you know, rehab in Utah or Palm Springs

903
00:46:45,520 --> 00:46:46,840
Speaker 4: or California of Florida.

904
00:46:46,960 --> 00:46:48,160
Speaker 3: It doesn't have to be that.

905
00:46:48,400 --> 00:46:52,080
Speaker 2: It doesn't take nice that can I give an unpopular opinion. Sure,

906
00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:57,439
Speaker 2: those places worry me. Yeah, they do because you come

907
00:46:57,480 --> 00:47:00,239
Speaker 2: out into the real world again and you don't know

908
00:47:00,320 --> 00:47:03,919
Speaker 2: how to face it without the alcohol. You're in those

909
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:06,279
Speaker 2: places and it's fabulous and you've spent all this money

910
00:47:06,320 --> 00:47:09,040
Speaker 2: and they're keeping you sober, you're getting massages, you're eating sushi,

911
00:47:09,440 --> 00:47:12,200
Speaker 2: and then the real world you're released back into it,

912
00:47:12,880 --> 00:47:15,480
Speaker 2: and I find that it's difficult for some people.

913
00:47:16,080 --> 00:47:22,680
Speaker 4: Yeah, well, guys, I hope we answered a lot of questions. Lala,

914
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,480
Speaker 4: thank you for sharing your story. I actually learned a

915
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,080
Speaker 4: lot about more about you today.

916
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:29,520
Speaker 2: I learned about you too, and I love that because

917
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:31,399
Speaker 2: I know that you went through moments of like giving

918
00:47:31,480 --> 00:47:34,360
Speaker 2: up drinking and things like that. But I've always been curious,

919
00:47:34,360 --> 00:47:36,400
Speaker 2: which I don't know why we've never had this conversation

920
00:47:36,600 --> 00:47:39,120
Speaker 2: about the moment that you were like, this is my

921
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:42,160
Speaker 2: rock bottom. And I love that you talked about, well,

922
00:47:42,200 --> 00:47:44,640
Speaker 2: I'm not an alcoholic because I don't do this and

923
00:47:44,680 --> 00:47:47,400
Speaker 2: I haven't gotten a dui because it's so true you

924
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:48,720
Speaker 2: go through those moments.

925
00:47:48,880 --> 00:47:49,680
Speaker 3: Yeah, that's ego.

926
00:47:50,480 --> 00:47:54,320
Speaker 2: I don't hide bottles, so I'm not an alcoholic. Hm mmm, No,

927
00:47:54,440 --> 00:47:55,520
Speaker 2: i'ms in many forms.

928
00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:57,400
Speaker 3: It comes in many forms.

929
00:47:57,920 --> 00:48:00,840
Speaker 2: I'm very proud of you, Amber. Congratulations on your sobriety.

930
00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:02,239
Speaker 3: I'm proud of you too.

931
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:05,799
Speaker 2: I love you so much. I love you too, and

932
00:48:05,840 --> 00:48:07,680
Speaker 2: I love you guys. Thank you for listening to another

933
00:48:07,719 --> 00:48:10,319
Speaker 2: episode of An Unlikely Affair. Thank you so much for

934
00:48:10,360 --> 00:48:13,400
Speaker 2: writing in your questions. You guys were vulnerable, you asked

935
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:17,120
Speaker 2: epic questions. We're going to catch you guys next week

936
00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:18,120
Speaker 2: for another episode.

937
00:48:18,320 --> 00:48:20,240
Speaker 3: Love you, Bye bye, guys,