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Speaker 1: Hi guys, and welcome to a new episode of Couch

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Speaker 1: Talks on You Need Therapy Podcast. My name is kat

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Speaker 1: I am the host and couch Talks is the special

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Speaker 1: bonus episode of You Need Therapy where I answer questions

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Speaker 1: that you guys sent to me at Catherine at you

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Speaker 1: Need therapypodcast dot com. We answer one question a week

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Speaker 1: usually and we keep them always anonymous so you can

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Speaker 1: always feel safe and secure knowing that I'm not going

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Speaker 1: to tell people who it is that sent into question,

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Speaker 1: because sometimes they're sensitive topics and subjects that you might

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Speaker 1: not want everybody knowing that you asked. I have a

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Speaker 1: question today from a listener. I'm going to read it

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Speaker 1: and then we're going to talk about it. Hey, kat,

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Speaker 1: I believe that everyone is going through something and that

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Speaker 1: most people would benefit from therapy. With that said, it's

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Speaker 1: hard to start. It's hard to research and choose a

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Speaker 1: therapist who you think you would respond to. It's hard

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Speaker 1: to show up knowing that you have to tell as

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Speaker 1: much of your story as you can so a therapist

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Speaker 1: can have the opportunity to help. It's hard to be

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Speaker 1: objective as you tell the story. All the things are hard.

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Speaker 1: Can you talk about the process of the first therapy session.

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Speaker 1: I feel like it's a download of everything that has

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Speaker 1: led me to a therapist. And if I'm honest, the

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Speaker 1: first step is so hard that I ultimately booked the

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Speaker 1: session and then feel so anxious about all the details

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Speaker 1: that I cancel my session. Okay, So when I first

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Speaker 1: started reading this email, I thought it was going to

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Speaker 1: be an email asking how to find a therapist, which

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Speaker 1: we've talked about a lot, and it's important to talk about.

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Speaker 1: It's an important question, it's a valid question. I have

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Speaker 1: a highlight on my podcast Instagram page at un Therapy

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Speaker 1: podcast that talks about that that if you're looking for

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Speaker 1: help regarding how to find a therapist, go to that.

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Speaker 1: You can also probably google and wherever you're finding your

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Speaker 1: podcast how to find a Therapist you Need Therapy podcast,

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Speaker 1: and there's an episode for that. Now this is a

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Speaker 1: different question, and it's just as important of a question. Yes,

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Speaker 1: find a therapist can be so exhausting and hard, and

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Speaker 1: it can take forever, and it can really suck the

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Speaker 1: energy that you have to do hard things right out

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Speaker 1: of you. So once you then make the appointment, how

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Speaker 1: do you prepare to actually go do the thing that

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Speaker 1: is therapy the scary thing. Now, I can only speak

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Speaker 1: from my experience of going to therapy and how I

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Speaker 1: actually do things as a therapist, So I will say

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Speaker 1: your experience may vary depending on who you see and

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Speaker 1: how they structure their work. But I am going to

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Speaker 1: talk about what a first session is like and how

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Speaker 1: to prepare for it and what to expect. Regardless, it

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Speaker 1: is normal, Just so everybody knows, it's very normal to

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Speaker 1: be anxious about a first session. There's a lot of unknowns,

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Speaker 1: and also going into your first session, there's probably a

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Speaker 1: lot of things ahead of you that include talking a

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Speaker 1: lot about hard things, or facing hard things, or sitting

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Speaker 1: with hard things and letting people see things that you

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Speaker 1: don't really want anybody to see. So that's enough to

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Speaker 1: make you anxious. And then also a first session is

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Speaker 1: a lot different than any other session in my experience,

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Speaker 1: It's like one part I have to say and go

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Speaker 1: over all the things as a therapist. I have to

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Speaker 1: like talk about informed consent and talk about how we

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Speaker 1: do scheduling and all that. And then also it's another part,

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Speaker 1: let's get to know each other and figure out what

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Speaker 1: you need as much as we can. In less than

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Speaker 1: an hour. And before I talk more in depth about

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Speaker 1: all of this, I want to give a quick list

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Speaker 1: of three things to consider before first session that I

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Speaker 1: think are important. One, get there early. The last thing

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Speaker 1: you want is to run into your first session like

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Speaker 1: ten minutes late, all like huffing and puffing because you

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Speaker 1: couldn't find a parking spot and then you couldn't figure

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Speaker 1: out which door to walk through, and now you're out

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Speaker 1: of breath and you're all worked up. And then you

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Speaker 1: spend the next ten minutes talking about that, and then

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Speaker 1: talk about how sorry you are and all of the things,

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Speaker 1: and then you've wasted twenty minutes and you're anxious on

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Speaker 1: top of your anxiousness. And then number two, give yourself

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Speaker 1: some free time after the session, so you don't know

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Speaker 1: what it's going to feel like after you're done, and

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Speaker 1: you may want some time to just process or just sit.

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Speaker 1: So I would suggest blocking off an extra thirty minutes

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Speaker 1: to an hour after a session so you can just

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Speaker 1: relax and not have to worry about what you're about

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Speaker 1: to run right back into. You can really just be

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Speaker 1: with it. And then the last thing is set realistic expectations.

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Speaker 1: So we're going to talk about some of that, but

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Speaker 1: your life isn't going to be changed in one therapy session.

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Speaker 1: Definitely not an intake. You might feel a little better

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Speaker 1: at times, sometimes you might feel worse, but set realistic expectations.

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Speaker 1: You are starting something, you are not going to finish

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Speaker 1: it in one session, and you might not get a

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Speaker 1: good read on your therapist's personality or style just by

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Speaker 1: their intake. So I wouldn't write somebody off just by

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Speaker 1: how they do their intake. I would give them another shot.

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Speaker 1: If you think you don't like them, try them again

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Speaker 1: and give yourself a real chance to actually figure it

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Speaker 1: out now. I personally don't do consultations or like extended

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Speaker 1: intake sessions. I will just a first session, like any

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Speaker 1: normal session. It's going to be fifty minutes. Some therapists

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Speaker 1: do do that. I don't. It just works better with

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Speaker 1: my schedule and it's just how I do things. When

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Speaker 1: I schedule a new client, I send them the paperwork

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Speaker 1: they need to fill out for me, including informed consent,

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Speaker 1: all the policies, and the actual intake form, so they

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Speaker 1: can do that as soon as they want, or they

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Speaker 1: can do it the day before the session. I really

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Speaker 1: like to have them have it done before I'm going

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Speaker 1: to see them, because then I get to kind of

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Speaker 1: like look through it and kind of get a handle

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Speaker 1: on what we might be working on to kind of

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Speaker 1: inform me. Now, if you don't, it's not that big

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Speaker 1: of a deal. We can roll with it. But if

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Speaker 1: you're somebody who gets anxious about filling out paperwork, or

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Speaker 1: you're somebody who doesn't really want to do the intake form,

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Speaker 1: don't wait to the last minute. You can sometimes you

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Speaker 1: can do it in stages, or you can do it

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Speaker 1: and you can kind of fill it out but not

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Speaker 1: in detail, and then you can talk about the details

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Speaker 1: with the therapist. That being said, you don't really have

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Speaker 1: to do too much for a first session. It's kind

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Speaker 1: of a time for a therapist to ask questions, get

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Speaker 1: an idea of what's going on and how we can

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Speaker 1: best help. So you don't have to like super prepare,

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Speaker 1: get all your ducks in a row, write your life

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Speaker 1: story out. You don't. You get to show up as

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Speaker 1: raw as possible. I'm not going to really start any

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Speaker 1: like therapeutic initiative. Really like we're not going to start

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Speaker 1: the work the first session. Most likely it might feel

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Speaker 1: like it to you but if I'm kind of formulating

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Speaker 1: a plan in my head, I'm going to need some

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Speaker 1: time before we then start to like embark on that thing.

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Speaker 1: We might talk about stuff, we might start talking about

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Speaker 1: one specific part of your journey or what you're looking for.

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Speaker 1: But you don't have to prepare to like get ready

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Speaker 1: to start some big, huge life changing exercise the first session,

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Speaker 1: because most likely you're not going to be doing that.

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Speaker 1: What can be super exhausting, though, is the amount of

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Speaker 1: information you might be giving based on the questions that

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Speaker 1: the therapist is going to ask. And it might be

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Speaker 1: a really emotionally charged information for you, right Like, obviously,

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Speaker 1: you're going to therapy to talk about things that you

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Speaker 1: might not talk about with a lot of people, might

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Speaker 1: not want to talk about with a lot of people.

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Speaker 1: And the encouragement I would give to you if you're

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Speaker 1: one of these people is you don't have to give

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Speaker 1: every single detail in the beginning. You don't have to

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Speaker 1: answer every single question with a long, drawn out answer.

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Speaker 1: Therapy is very weird. You walk into a room with

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Speaker 1: a person that you probably found online, you definitely have

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Speaker 1: never met before, and you're expected to just like spill everything,

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Speaker 1: including your deepest darkest secrets, the stuff, like I said,

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Speaker 1: that's the most difficult for you to talk about, And

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Speaker 1: it would make sense if you didn't really want to

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Speaker 1: do that, and it would make sense if it freaks

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Speaker 1: you out a little bit, if you had a little hesitation.

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Speaker 1: And I think personally, as a therapist, the relationship you're

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Speaker 1: building in the therapy room is allowed to be one

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Speaker 1: that takes some time. So if you don't want to

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Speaker 1: talk about some of your trauma on your first day,

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Speaker 1: you are totally allowed to say that. You're allowed to say,

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about this with you, and I

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Speaker 1: think it needs to be talked about. I also need

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Speaker 1: more time before I'm ready to talk about it. That's

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Speaker 1: a good enough answer. You can also say like, I'm

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Speaker 1: willing to go this far, but this is when I

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Speaker 1: need to stop, or I want I'll give you the

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Speaker 1: gist of it, but I'm not ready to give the

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Speaker 1: details yet. It's okay for you to say that and

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Speaker 1: to kind of pace yourself. We're gonna roll with your pace,

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Speaker 1: especially in the first session. We're not gonna push push, push, push,

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Speaker 1: push until you feel like you're gonna break, because we

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Speaker 1: still have to build a relationship and trust and all

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Speaker 1: of that, and we want you to feel safe and

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Speaker 1: we want you to feel like you're in the room

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Speaker 1: for yourself, not to please the therapist. So I really

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Speaker 1: would encourage you to own that part. If you're not

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Speaker 1: ready to talk about something or answer something, you can say, hey,

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Speaker 1: I really want to get to know this space. I

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Speaker 1: want to get to know you, I want to get

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Speaker 1: to know therapy. I want to talk about some other

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Speaker 1: stuff before I get down to that part. That's totally fair.

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Speaker 1: I also think it's fair to say that you might

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Speaker 1: lie during your first session. And I talk about this

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Speaker 1: in my intakes a lot, and I just tell my

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Speaker 1: and say, there may be some questions I asked that

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Speaker 1: you're not ready to be honest about, and that's okay.

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Speaker 1: You can pass or you might lie, And all I

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Speaker 1: can ask is when you're ready, that you tell me

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Speaker 1: and that you know I'm not going to judge you

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Speaker 1: for not being its forthcoming right off the bat, because

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Speaker 1: I can't help you with things that you refuse to

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Speaker 1: acknowledge and hear. So i'd rather you come to me

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Speaker 1: and say, hey, I lied, I actually blah blah blah

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Speaker 1: blah blah, whatever the lie is, or I wasn't totally

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Speaker 1: honest about that, or I said that I do this,

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Speaker 1: but I really do that. I'd rather you say that

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Speaker 1: and then we can work on things and talk about Okay, well,

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Speaker 1: tell me why it was helpful for you to lie

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Speaker 1: about that in the moment. I'd rather do that than

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Speaker 1: like never come back to something that might be a

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Speaker 1: pivotal piece of information and I might even have like

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Speaker 1: a hunch that you're lying about. I'm more interested in

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Speaker 1: helping you heal the things that you need to heal

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Speaker 1: than maintaining the idea that you're perfect. Because we already

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Speaker 1: know we're humans, so we're not, so we can get

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Speaker 1: that out of the way. We all lie at times.

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Speaker 1: So I also, I want to give you guys permission.

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Speaker 1: The sounds weird saying, but I want to give you

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Speaker 1: guys permission like lie, But I also want to give

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Speaker 1: you permission to come back around and say, hey, there's

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Speaker 1: something I need to talk about with you, because you're

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Speaker 1: allowed to do that. Also, this is important and can

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Speaker 1: be applied to so much. I think that very often

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Speaker 1: when we feel a sense of nervousness or anxiety, we

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Speaker 1: want to hide it or what we want to make

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Speaker 1: it go away. However, that very well might not be possible,

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Speaker 1: Like I might not just be able to snap my

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Speaker 1: fingers and make my anxiousness go away and make myself

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Speaker 1: just not care about something for the most part, so

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Speaker 1: I've found it extremely helpful to just call it out.

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Speaker 1: Then I don't have to spend extra energy trying to

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Speaker 1: conceal what I'm feeling. I just like get to let

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Speaker 1: it be. If I walk into a session and say

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Speaker 1: I'm so nervous, you might be able to tell but

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Speaker 1: I just needed to put that out there. Then you

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Speaker 1: get to be nervous, and just the very idea that

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Speaker 1: you get to do so can calm your nerves. So

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Speaker 1: even just calling it out well might kind of take

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Speaker 1: some of that anxiety away from you. And this can

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Speaker 1: be applied to a lot of stuff, not just therapy sessions.

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Speaker 1: I think about it like giving presentations, Like when I

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Speaker 1: can go into something saying like, hey, I'm nervous about this.

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Speaker 1: If I'm walking into a room or a class or

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Speaker 1: anything and saying like, hey, I got some nerves I

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Speaker 1: want this to go well, it kind of lets me

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Speaker 1: relax rather than sucking it all in and having to

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Speaker 1: be like cool. Common collected, but inside like kind of dying.

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Speaker 1: And usually when I'm able to just acknowledge that I

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Speaker 1: don't have it all together and I'm feeling a little nervous,

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Speaker 1: I do better and I feel more comfortable and I

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Speaker 1: get to just be myself. So I would encourage you guys,

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Speaker 1: if you are feeling really anxious, you can even email

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Speaker 1: the therapist. Hey, just want you to know, I'm feeling

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Speaker 1: really anxious about tomorrow. Just wanted to put that out there, period,

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Speaker 1: and they might email something very kind back. Or you

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Speaker 1: walk in and that cow are you I'm really nervous.

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Speaker 1: I don't really know what to expect. I don't want

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Speaker 1: to talk about this stuff. Or you can just say

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Speaker 1: I'm nervous, that's okay. When it comes to a therapist,

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Speaker 1: they probably can spot anxiety and also it's normal and

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Speaker 1: possibly why you're even there in the first place. So

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Speaker 1: there's no need to put on a show for the

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Speaker 1: person who's most likely to see through that show. So

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Speaker 1: with all that being said, I just want to encourage

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Speaker 1: everybody who is getting ready to like book a first

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Speaker 1: session or maybe go to a first session for therapy.

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Speaker 1: You can just show up as yourself. What's probably going

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Speaker 1: to happen. You're going to either fill out paperwork there

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Speaker 1: or you're going to go through paperwork with the therapist.

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Speaker 1: They're going to ask you some questions, you're going to

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Speaker 1: answer them. You're going to get to know each other.

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Speaker 1: You're gonna make sure you both understand the policies and

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Speaker 1: how things work. You're going to figure out how scheduling

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Speaker 1: is going to go. You're gonna do a lot of

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Speaker 1: homeworky things. And then again you're going to go through

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Speaker 1: maybe the intake, or they're just going to start talking about, Hey,

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Speaker 1: what brought you in. Let's talk about that. You might

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Speaker 1: talk about the history of that problem. You might talk

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Speaker 1: about the history of your family and all. It's like

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Speaker 1: when you meet a new doctor too, they have to

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Speaker 1: go through your medical history. It's kind of what you're

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Speaker 1: going to be doing. And then if there's time left,

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Speaker 1: you might start working on something. But you're not going

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Speaker 1: to dig into the deep, deep, deep, deep, deep deep

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Speaker 1: depths of your stuff unless that therapist just does it

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Speaker 1: differently than most therapists, or that's really what you want

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Speaker 1: to do. If you don't want to do that, regardless,

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Speaker 1: you always get to say I don't want to do that,

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Speaker 1: and that's something I want to always continue to come

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Speaker 1: back to. When it comes to therapy, we are experts

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Speaker 1: as therapists. We usually are the ones in charge of

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Speaker 1: coming up with a plan, figuring things out, helping you

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Speaker 1: put some pieces together. And at the same time, you're

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Speaker 1: the client and you're the most important person in that room,

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Speaker 1: and you're the expert of your life, and we might

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Speaker 1: have a hunch about things that might help you get

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Speaker 1: to where you want to go, but you get to

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Speaker 1: be the one that says yes, and you get to

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Speaker 1: be the one that says no. You are in charge

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Speaker 1: of those two things, and we can't force you to

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Speaker 1: do anything. And if you feel like you're being forced,

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Speaker 1: I would call that out, because maybe you are and

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Speaker 1: the therapist is kind of being inappropriate or pushing too hard,

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Speaker 1: or maybe that's part of your story and you feel

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Speaker 1: oppressed a lot with and you feel like you don't

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Speaker 1: have choices when really you do, and it's easy to

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Speaker 1: forget that long, long way to say you're in charge.

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Speaker 1: So I hope that you go to the next therapy

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Speaker 1: session that you book. Whoever wrote this email, I'm speaking

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Speaker 1: to you, I hope you go to it and instead

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Speaker 1: of waiting for that anxiety about the therapy session to

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Speaker 1: go away, honor it, own it, call it out, and

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Speaker 1: bring it with you because it might actually be helpful.

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Speaker 1: Our feelings are tools and guides and they a kind

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Speaker 1: of show us what we need in life, and if

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Speaker 1: we ignore them, then we don't ever get to really

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Speaker 1: get the gift of what that feeling is telling us

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Speaker 1: that we need. So I hope that was helpful. If

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Speaker 1: you guys have any questions, you can email them to

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Speaker 1: Katherine at UNI Therapy podcast dot com. And if you

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Speaker 1: have any questions, even about episodes, they don't have to

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Speaker 1: just be personal questions. You can ask clarifying questions of

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Speaker 1: couch talks, you can ask clarifying questions of episodes I've done.

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Speaker 1: You just want to email me, just say hi, you

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Speaker 1: can do that. I hope you guys have the day

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Speaker 1: you need to have and I will be back with

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Speaker 1: you on Monday for another episode of You Need Therapy.

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Speaker 1: If you want to follow me, you can follow me

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Speaker 1: on Instagram at you Need Therapy and at kat van Buren. Bye.