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Speaker 1: Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties,

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Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big

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Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they

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Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show.

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Speaker 1: Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners. Wherever

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Speaker 1: you are in the world, it is great to have

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Speaker 1: you here. Back for another episode of the Psychology of

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Speaker 1: Your Twenties. Today, we are going to discuss an experience

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Speaker 1: that is becoming, I would say increasingly common in this generation,

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Speaker 1: and that is this pressure to be exceptional. I think

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Speaker 1: we all have those times where we've looked at the

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Speaker 1: people around us, or who we idolize, the people we

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Speaker 1: see on social media or in magazines, and really contemplate

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Speaker 1: whether we should be doing more, whether we're falling behind,

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Speaker 1: what our actual worth is if we are not highly

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Speaker 1: successful in our twenties. And I think it comes from

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Speaker 1: this very deep societal obsession with success and needing to

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Speaker 1: be the best, this very individualistic conception of happiness as

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Speaker 1: one that is defined by accolades and accomplishments and the

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Speaker 1: praise that we receive from other people. I think we're

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Speaker 1: not helped by feeling like a lot of those golden

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Speaker 1: children or examples of very young success stories are somewhat

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Speaker 1: really not only visible, but kind of thrown in our face,

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Speaker 1: kind of made to be a point that we're not

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Speaker 1: doing enough. You know, the Forbes thirty under thirty list,

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Speaker 1: all those young achievers, those young entrepreneurs, And what that

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Speaker 1: example can lead us to is a really deep sense

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Speaker 1: of dissatisfaction and low self worth, where we just feel

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Speaker 1: like we are not enough because we are not doing

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Speaker 1: as much as these people are. It's definitely a trap

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Speaker 1: that I have fallen into before, feeling like my twenties

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Speaker 1: are somehow a competition rather than time to just figure

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Speaker 1: things out. And I'm sure that I am not alone

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Speaker 1: in that experience. It has become a lot harder for

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Speaker 1: people in this generation to feel like what they do matters,

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Speaker 1: that they're doing enough, especially as things like college acceptances

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Speaker 1: become so much harder, and when we're applying for first

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Speaker 1: jobs where it feels like everyone has that coveted internship

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Speaker 1: or some startup that they founded when they were sixteen.

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Speaker 1: That's amazing, that's incredible for them. But we don't have

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Speaker 1: to be like those people to be happy. So how

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Speaker 1: do we kind of find peace and joy and fulfillment

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Speaker 1: amongst all of these influences. Well, today, that is exactly

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Speaker 1: what we are going to talk about, starting by breaking

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Speaker 1: down where this pressure to be exceptional has come from,

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Speaker 1: from social comparison, from social media, from successful sibling syndrome,

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Speaker 1: and so much more, but also the consequences of this

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Speaker 1: perspective and ideology for our mental health and our general wellbeing.

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Speaker 1: I also think that feeling like you need to do

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Speaker 1: something in particular or achieve something in particular to receive

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Speaker 1: external validation or to be seen as worthy is one

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Speaker 1: of the worst motivators we can encounter. And there are

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Speaker 1: so many theories in psychology that confirm this, that suggests

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Speaker 1: that when we actually enjoy something, and we actually love something,

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Speaker 1: even if society doesn't think it's as bright and shiny

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Speaker 1: and impressive, we're actually going to be a lot more

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Speaker 1: committed to it and enjoy it a lot more. We're

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Speaker 1: also going to discuss the ways that we can detec

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Speaker 1: hatch from this toxic mentality by finding delight, by redesigning

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Speaker 1: our conception of happiness and cutting ties with anything and

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Speaker 1: anyone who makes you feel like you need to be

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Speaker 1: doing more in order to be worthy. If this has

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Speaker 1: been your experience recently as a twenty something year old

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Speaker 1: or beyond, we are here to discuss all the psychology

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Speaker 1: behind this experience and also just sometimes highlight the beauty

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Speaker 1: of just being ordinary, of not needing you know, a

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Speaker 1: Nobel prize or acceptance to a Harvard you know or

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Speaker 1: Ivy League school to a be a worthy person, be

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Speaker 1: a happy person, and see be a good person. So

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Speaker 1: I think we better get into it without further ado.

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Speaker 1: Let us break down the psychology behind the need or

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Speaker 1: the pressure to be exceptional in our twenties. So, like said, recently,

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Speaker 1: I have identified this common experience that we are feeling

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Speaker 1: an increasing pressure to be absolutely exceptional or be the

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Speaker 1: best at something in our twenties, or at least have

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Speaker 1: something unique about us that makes us stand out from

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Speaker 1: the crowd. It always surprises me when I talk to

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Speaker 1: fellow twenty something year olds, where you know, a lot

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Speaker 1: of us are kind of reaching a certain fork in

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Speaker 1: the road where we're feeling very lost, feeling like we

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Speaker 1: need to make a lot of decisions. And at that point,

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Speaker 1: many of us are overwhelmed by this sense that one

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Speaker 1: of the choices we can make, or one of the

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Speaker 1: choices that we do make will leave us feeling really mediocre,

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Speaker 1: or leave us feeling like we should have done something else,

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Speaker 1: or that we should be doing more. That our lives

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Speaker 1: are kind of not meaningful unless we are being externally

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Speaker 1: recognized for something that other people perceive as brilliant or impressive.

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Speaker 1: And this is not about being the best version of

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Speaker 1: ourselves or recognizing that, you know, there are certain ambitions

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Speaker 1: we have, or that we are a work in progress. No,

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Speaker 1: it's this real distinct sense of failure that what are

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Speaker 1: our lives for if we are not succeeding? What are

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Speaker 1: we doing if we are not being praised for something

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Speaker 1: or other that we have achieved. Personally, I actually think

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Speaker 1: there's nothing wrong with wanting to be the best version

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Speaker 1: of yourself or having really, you know, incredible plans and

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Speaker 1: large goals. But I think the caveat is that this

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Speaker 1: can only be sustainable and actually prove, you know, very

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Speaker 1: fruitful when that ambition is derived from our internal values

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Speaker 1: and our internal goals, not some broader societal expectation or pressure.

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Speaker 1: But the fact that so many of us are feeling

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Speaker 1: that pressure from external sources is probably what's leading to

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Speaker 1: such a deep sense of failure and dissatisfaction in this generation.

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Speaker 1: You know, questions around and why am I not like

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Speaker 1: that other person? What am I missing? Should I be

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Speaker 1: working harder? Should I be making more money, stretching myself

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Speaker 1: even further? And recent studies have revealed that as many

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Speaker 1: as one in four of us feel like a failure

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Speaker 1: or feel like we are wasting our lives. And what

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Speaker 1: I find interesting about that is when you push people

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Speaker 1: further and really examine what they mean when they say

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Speaker 1: their lives are a waste, what we see is that

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Speaker 1: so many of these individuals were, you know, equating the

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Speaker 1: value of their life with really tangible success and really

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Speaker 1: tangible forms of recognition. And I think that's really what

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Speaker 1: the pressure to be extraordinary or exceptional is all about.

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Speaker 1: Being you know, quote unquote that person who has amazing grades,

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Speaker 1: who makes heaps of money, who has some side hustle

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Speaker 1: or passion that gets attention, having some kind of you know,

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Speaker 1: sporting accomplishment, running marathons on your days off, like just

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Speaker 1: being a highly successful and admired person, you know, essentially

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Speaker 1: just having it all together. And I don't know about you,

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Speaker 1: maybe you're different to me, But I have never met

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Speaker 1: someone like that in real life ever, Like I've never

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Speaker 1: met someone who has it all together, whose life is

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Speaker 1: absolutely perfect and who is you know, exceptionally brilliant and

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Speaker 1: at like the top of their field and has no

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Speaker 1: problems with that. That pressure to be exceptional has been

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Speaker 1: promoted across so many different avenues in our cultures, in

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Speaker 1: our lives, in the media, and often so implicitly that

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Speaker 1: we don't even recognize what a significant impact it has

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Speaker 1: had on our attitudes and our behaviors, and also our

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Speaker 1: ambitions or even sometimes the unrealistic expectations that we have

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Speaker 1: for our lives. So as people who are navigating early adulthood,

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Speaker 1: it now feels like, you know, figuring out who we

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Speaker 1: are is a competition based on accomplishments rather than trial

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Speaker 1: and error getting to have, you know, just a few

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Speaker 1: years where you just kind of fuck around and you

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Speaker 1: do nothing, where you actually kind of explore the world

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Speaker 1: and the contents of who you are without trying to

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Speaker 1: be impressive, without trying to achieve something. When I think

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Speaker 1: about the main culprit for me of this feeling, the

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Speaker 1: one that really gets me in such a rut, of

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Speaker 1: self criticism. It is Forbes thirty under thirty. And for

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Speaker 1: those of us who are not aware of what that is, well, firstly, congratulations,

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Speaker 1: please enjoy your peace for as long as you can.

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Speaker 1: But it's essentially this list that Forbes put out every

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Speaker 1: year of the most successful, impressive, accomplished people in their twenties,

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Speaker 1: you know, or under the age of thirty, across every discipline,

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Speaker 1: social media, sports, science, venture capital, whatever you can imagine.

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Speaker 1: And every single person on this list. Someone actually said

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Speaker 1: this to me the other day. Every single person on

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Speaker 1: this list is like the worst person you can meet

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Speaker 1: at a party, you know, especially if you're feeling bad

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Speaker 1: about yourself, because they are the golden children of the

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Speaker 1: twenty something year olds. They are the ones who have

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Speaker 1: ticked all of the boxes so far. I think it

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Speaker 1: all derives from our deeply kind of psychological and emotional

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Speaker 1: obsession with the wonder kind, you know, a person who

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Speaker 1: achieves great success at a relatively young age, and our

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Speaker 1: obsession with that occurs because it combines the true things

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Speaker 1: that society really admires the most, which are youth and success.

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Speaker 1: And we see these people on magazines, you know, we

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Speaker 1: see them starting up companies, TV, you know, on TV,

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Speaker 1: all across our for you pages, and for the everyday

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Speaker 1: person probably like you and I. I think the message

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Speaker 1: from all of this is very clear. It is not

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Speaker 1: okay to just be good anymore. You have to be

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Speaker 1: exceptional because if they can do it, you know, why

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Speaker 1: can't you? What does that say about your talent, about

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Speaker 1: your intelligence, about your ambition, your discipline, If you, as

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Speaker 1: a fellow twenty something year old someone in this decade

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Speaker 1: of your life, are not reaching the same heights as

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Speaker 1: these people who are essentially our peers. And when we

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Speaker 1: buy into that ideal or narrative, it can leave us

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Speaker 1: with such a diminished sense of self worth, negative self esteem,

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Speaker 1: it can push us to burn out feelings of worthlessness

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Speaker 1: as well, but also a really deep almost addiction or

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Speaker 1: need or reliance on social comparison, where we constantly are

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Speaker 1: examining the successes and the exceptionalism of others in thinking,

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Speaker 1: you know, what am I doing wrong here? What is

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Speaker 1: wrong with me? That I'm not at the same level

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Speaker 1: that they are. We know from a psychological perspective that

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Speaker 1: social comparison is a really important evolutionary instinct that has

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Speaker 1: evolved to help us evaluate our behavior and our performance

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Speaker 1: based on group norms, and really make sure that we

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Speaker 1: are staying in line with what the group expects of us.

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Speaker 1: But where previously a lot of that social comparison was

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Speaker 1: going to be limited to our close friends or our

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Speaker 1: classmates or family or co workers, now with the emergence

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Speaker 1: of the Internet, that kind of gives us like twenty

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Speaker 1: four hour access to compare ourselves to anyone in the

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Speaker 1: world at any time. It's provided I think, such an

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Speaker 1: unnatural insight into the lives of everyone and what they're doing,

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Speaker 1: what they're accomplishing, how exciting everything must be for them.

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Speaker 1: And when that constant stream of information is not contained

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Speaker 1: or we begin to find it difficult to decipher, you know,

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Speaker 1: truth from fiction, I think it's impossible to ever feel

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Speaker 1: like we're good enough in that environment. There was this

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Speaker 1: really fascinating article from the Michigan Post and I think

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Speaker 1: it put it really really well. You know, with the

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Speaker 1: ever present kind of manufactured realities of social media, there

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Speaker 1: are now endless opportunities for comparison. So every day we

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Speaker 1: are presented with people who are close to us in age,

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Speaker 1: who have and do more than us, people who lead

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Speaker 1: very glamorous lifestyles who are accomplished, and we don't really

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Speaker 1: have the awareness, I think, to really call ourselves out

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Speaker 1: and be like that is probably not the truth. Every

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Speaker 1: profile you see, every Instagram page, every TikTok that is

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Speaker 1: based on the establishment of a presentation of self or

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Speaker 1: a persona that only exists online, and that persona is

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Speaker 1: meant to be appealing, it's meant to be desirable, it's

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Speaker 1: meant to grab your attention, and it's also chosen with

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Speaker 1: a purpose. And I think it's interesting because we can

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Speaker 1: know that as much as much as we try, that

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Speaker 1: social media and reality are not aligned, but every single

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Speaker 1: one of us still does it. Every single one of

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Speaker 1: us still has this really curated, glossy, polished online persona.

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Speaker 1: You know, I have one. I feel kind of ashamed

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Speaker 1: to admit that. But the person I'm on you know,

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Speaker 1: who I am online is not the same as who

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Speaker 1: I am in person because of this pressure to give

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Speaker 1: into the need to curate my external presentation. And that

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Speaker 1: really also relates to how we represent our successes online

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Speaker 1: as well. You know the other thing I've begun to

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Speaker 1: notice maybe around last year that I think also has

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Speaker 1: some influence maybe less than social media as a whole

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Speaker 1: in general, but they really go hand in hand. Was

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Speaker 1: the trend of people being that girl or that person,

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Speaker 1: this trend of people showing us their fifteen hour days

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Speaker 1: in which every hour is incredibly productive and they eat

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Speaker 1: really well and they exercise every day and they make

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Speaker 1: ten thousand dollars of passive income or something like that,

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Speaker 1: and it looks really great, right like it, It gets

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Speaker 1: our attention, it looks really admirable, and it definitely is.

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Speaker 1: But how realistic is that? Really? How many twenty something

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Speaker 1: year olds or people in the world can actually live

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Speaker 1: that life sustainably? And even though we know that a

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Speaker 1: lot of it is probably fiction or really curated, it

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Speaker 1: really influences us in subtle ways. Even things like that

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Speaker 1: which feel negligible act as a social cue. So psychology

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Speaker 1: can really explain why that is why we find that

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Speaker 1: we take on this pressure to be exceptional in the

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Speaker 1: face of all these factors. One of these explanations is

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Speaker 1: around observational learning. So this theory emerged from a series

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Speaker 1: of pretty famous experiments conducted by the psychologist called Albert Bondura,

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Speaker 1: who watched how children tend to imitate the behaviors and

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Speaker 1: actions of people close to them. So we look to

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Speaker 1: others to teach us the way right, to show us

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Speaker 1: what we should be doing, what society expects, and then

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Speaker 1: we try to mimic it, or feel almost if we

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Speaker 1: can't mimic it, this intense sense of failure. So when

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Speaker 1: all of these cues from social media and our peers

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Speaker 1: are being absorbed, what this is really doing to us

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Speaker 1: is setting an example of how we think we should

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Speaker 1: behave influencing us to be like those people, to act

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Speaker 1: like them, to meet the apparent standard of being extraordinary.

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Speaker 1: And I think that's so problematic because obviously these expectations

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Speaker 1: that we are exposed to are not reality, and yet

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Speaker 1: we think they are, hence that pressure forming. I also

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Speaker 1: think it won't come as a surprise that this intrinsic

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Speaker 1: fear of being mediocre and a sense of failure is

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Speaker 1: a lot more common in high achievers, particularly people who

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Speaker 1: were very accomplished in high school or even at university.

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Speaker 1: I know a lot of us are actually like this.

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Speaker 1: You know, as children or teenagers, we worked really hard

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Speaker 1: to get good grades, to receive the praise of others.

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Speaker 1: You know, we absolutely thrived in those structured environments, and

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Speaker 1: we got awards and accolades, and with that a sense

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Speaker 1: of accomplishment. And then when we leave that small, contained environment,

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Speaker 1: we are suddenly really shocked by how many other people

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Speaker 1: out there might be just like us. Or we experience

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Speaker 1: failure for the first time, which is totally natural, but

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Speaker 1: it absolutely throws us for a loop, because who are

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Speaker 1: we without these successes, without this external validation. I think

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Speaker 1: overachievers are also much more susceptible to this broader narrative

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Speaker 1: and idolization around success because to some extent we've already

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Speaker 1: brought into it as an element of our identity. We

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Speaker 1: have been indoctrinated, and so we push ourselves to keep

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Speaker 1: being that version of us, which, by no surprise, leads

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Speaker 1: to really high rates of things like burnout and alienation

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Speaker 1: not just from ourselves but from others, and also our

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Speaker 1: deeper values and our deeper goals, because we've never actually

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Speaker 1: sat down and thought what actually makes me happy? Here,

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Speaker 1: it's all just about accomplishment, it's all just about getting

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Speaker 1: the best grades, being like this perfect version of us,

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Speaker 1: and not so much about really satisfying our internal needs

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Speaker 1: and our internal enjoyment of our lives. And then, of

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Speaker 1: course this is only exacerbated when we are actually exposed

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Speaker 1: to those really exceptional people, not just online but in

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Speaker 1: real life. If you are someone who has a sibling

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Speaker 1: or a family member who has just done like incredible things,

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Speaker 1: who is the family golden child, you will know the

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Speaker 1: feeling of constantly being compared to them, being told to

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Speaker 1: be more like them, or judging yourself based kind of

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Speaker 1: on the example that they've set. So I have a

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Speaker 1: sister who is this very very talented athlete. Shout out

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Speaker 1: to Ellie if she is listening to this, and I

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Speaker 1: really I love it a bit, as she is like

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Speaker 1: an incredible person and I think, though, despite the fact

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Speaker 1: that I'm not even one percent an athlete, I still

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Speaker 1: feel this need to be more like her in my pursuits.

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Speaker 1: And they've done research on this as well, and they've

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Speaker 1: found this term that I think sums it up perfectly.

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Speaker 1: I don't know where I heard this, but it is

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Speaker 1: like the perfect term for this. It's called successful sibling syndrome,

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Speaker 1: whereby we feel overshadowed and thus face incredible pressure to

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Speaker 1: be extraordinary in the presence of a sibling like this.

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Speaker 1: Family dynamics are so funny in that way because they

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Speaker 1: bring us so much joy and they really elevate our lives.

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Speaker 1: But into family comparison can also, as we've seen, lead

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Speaker 1: to a lot of bitterness and resis dent if one

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Speaker 1: child receives a lot of validation and the other child

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Speaker 1: or the other siblings are kind of left out. Okay, So,

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Speaker 1: now that we've examined the origins of this pressure to

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Speaker 1: the exceptional and fantastic and successful, particularly in our twenties,

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Speaker 1: what I really want to talk about are some of

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Speaker 1: the consequences and why seeking this external image of success

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Speaker 1: might not actually be totally effective or make us happier individuals,

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Speaker 1: but also how to reject the narrative and to really

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Speaker 1: see your twenties as a time to be exploring rather

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Speaker 1: than excelling. So all of that and so much more

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Speaker 1: after this shortbreak. No one likes feeling mediocre. No one

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Speaker 1: likes feeling like they are not meeting their own expectations

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Speaker 1: or not reaching their potential. But there's a distinction between

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Speaker 1: pursuing your best self and someone else's conception of what

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Speaker 1: your best self should be. Because is it really that

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Speaker 1: bad to not be special, you know, and to just

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Speaker 1: be happy with what makes you happy, even if society

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Speaker 1: doesn't really understand it. I think that takes just as

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Speaker 1: much courage and passion as putting everything into being a

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Speaker 1: young success story, of giving the image of perfection and accomplishment.

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Speaker 1: So much research has shown that when people experience an undue,

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Speaker 1: an abnormal amount of pressure to excel or to be

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Speaker 1: the best, there are some really serious consequences for our

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Speaker 1: mental health. And it also doesn't actually mean they will

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Speaker 1: be more successful, you know. Firstly, it creates a really

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Speaker 1: high level of self criticism where we aren't able to

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Speaker 1: really regulate our own feelings about ourselves and our own

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Speaker 1: self concept because we feel like our worth is based

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Speaker 1: on external standards rather than how we actually view ourselves internally.

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Speaker 1: And I know I mentioned it before, but another consequence

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Speaker 1: is burnout. It's such a you know, it's on such

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Speaker 1: a rise at the moment. There are so many people

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Speaker 1: who I know personally who say this, like, I'm so

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Speaker 1: burnt out. I'm trying so hard to be this like exceptional,

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Speaker 1: incredible person. I remember this time in my very early twenties,

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Speaker 1: when I was working two jobs. I was trying to

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Speaker 1: like write articles, trying to have original iteas make like

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Speaker 1: the frickin Dean's list at my university, and I could

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Speaker 1: just kind of feel like my body was giving out

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Speaker 1: on me. It's weird, but I just felt like I

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Speaker 1: could feel how tired I was like in my eyes,

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Speaker 1: and how much I was just pushing myself too hard,

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Speaker 1: and for what, you know, for someone else's passing admiration,

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Speaker 1: probably someone I didn't even know or didn't even know

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Speaker 1: that well, to appear a certain way, to have some

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Speaker 1: kind of reputation. And I really had to question, is

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Speaker 1: that momentary feeling of being admired or feeling accomplished worth

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Speaker 1: as much as I'm giving up that feeling of being

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Speaker 1: around my friends or of actually having time to enjoy

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Speaker 1: my life, is that going to be a better use

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Speaker 1: of my time? I guess the question you really need

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Speaker 1: to ask is is being hard on yourself worth it?

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Speaker 1: Is it really going to improve your life? Is that

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Speaker 1: success really going to be the one that is going

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Speaker 1: to make you happy? Or is it just going to

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Speaker 1: make it more difficult to really fully enjoy what you have.

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Speaker 1: I think that pressure, particularly in our twenties, can also

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Speaker 1: bring an overall sense of dissatisfaction with our life. This

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Speaker 1: is a really interesting point, because we really do have

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Speaker 1: the power to create our own definition of happiness. We

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Speaker 1: get to choose what our dream life looks like if

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Speaker 1: we are intentional with it, and we actually examine what

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Speaker 1: about our beliefs has been adopted from a societal idea

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Speaker 1: of happiness and what has come from our own desires. So,

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Speaker 1: you know, do you really want those accolades? Would that

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00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,480
Speaker 1: seriously bring you deeper satisfaction and meaning? Or were you

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Speaker 1: just raised by parents who promoted perfectionism or were you

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Speaker 1: just raised in a society that says it is okay

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Speaker 1: to sacrifice all other elements of your life for success.

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Speaker 1: A really easy way to figure that out is when

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Speaker 1: you think about your dream life. What are the things

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Speaker 1: that you feel the need to justify and what are

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Speaker 1: the things that you include just because you know that

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Speaker 1: they're expected. You know, our emotional reaction to these different

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Speaker 1: things tells us a lot more about what we actually

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Speaker 1: feel when it comes to our choices and whether we're

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Speaker 1: content with them or not. There's also a really significant

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Speaker 1: reason why the external pressure to be exceptional actually doesn't

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Speaker 1: help us to be better people or to accomplish more So,

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Speaker 1: in psychology, there is this really interesting idea theory. It's

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Speaker 1: called self determined theory, and what it does is it

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00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:10,359
Speaker 1: outlines how and why people are motivated to do certain things. Basically,

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Speaker 1: we can derive our motivation from what we call extrinsic

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Speaker 1: motivators or intrinsic motivators. So extrinsic motivators, they all kind

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Speaker 1: of come from beyond us. There're things like pressure from

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Speaker 1: other people, or the need to conform, or the coercion

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Speaker 1: or power of other people's opinions, and these motivators are

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Speaker 1: a lot less powerful at getting us to do something

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Speaker 1: or to maintain a certain behavior compared to intrinsic motivators.

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Speaker 1: And these derive from our genuine enjoyment in doing something,

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00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:49,679
Speaker 1: our inherent interest and satisfaction with that activity. You know,

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Speaker 1: no one is telling you to do it. You just

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Speaker 1: want to do it because you find joy in it.

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Speaker 1: And I think it's very easy to see which of

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Speaker 1: these motivators is going to be more impactful, right, you know?

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Speaker 1: And also why pursuing certain ambitions or goals because we

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Speaker 1: think it will make someone else happy or make someone

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Speaker 1: else impressed. Not only is that going to leave us unfulfilled,

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Speaker 1: but we are also a lot less likely to put

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Speaker 1: in as much time and love and energy into those

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00:26:18,080 --> 00:26:21,159
Speaker 1: outcomes and into those accomplishments compared to ones that we

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Speaker 1: internally are actually really passionate about. It's also worth reminding

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Speaker 1: you that on a planet of I think nine billion

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Speaker 1: people now, not everyone is going to be exceptional. You know.

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Speaker 1: Actually some people have to be ordinary. Most of us

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Speaker 1: will be ordinary, and you're in the company of billions

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Speaker 1: of others who feel completely content with that state of

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Speaker 1: their life. Also, I think even if we look to

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Speaker 1: those heroes that we have, you know, our idols, our

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Speaker 1: examples of success, I don't think anyone or any one

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Speaker 1: of them ever gets to the point of being like

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Speaker 1: this is it achieved it all and I'm happy. It's

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00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:06,800
Speaker 1: such a myth that success brings greater fulfillment, you know,

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00:27:06,840 --> 00:27:09,639
Speaker 1: the age old saying goes like the grass is always

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00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:13,320
Speaker 1: greener on the other side. But also the goalposts keep moving.

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Speaker 1: Once you have that one thing you've always wanted, once

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00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,600
Speaker 1: you have that accomplishment, once you have that award or

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00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,680
Speaker 1: that sense of success, you are always going to want more.

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Speaker 1: And so I think a lot of people are never

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Speaker 1: fully satisfied. I actually read this really amazing quote, and

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Speaker 1: I'm not sure where it was, but if I remember it,

435
00:27:32,280 --> 00:27:34,680
Speaker 1: I'll put it in the show notes. But what it

436
00:27:34,760 --> 00:27:37,240
Speaker 1: said was that the world is divided into the people

437
00:27:37,240 --> 00:27:40,680
Speaker 1: who are privileged with being ordinary and those of us

438
00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:44,520
Speaker 1: who are damned by our desire to be remarkable. And

439
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,720
Speaker 1: that court genuinely left me a little bit speechless. I

440
00:27:47,720 --> 00:27:51,000
Speaker 1: don't know why, but some younger part of me just

441
00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:54,840
Speaker 1: related to that so deeply, probably because in the past

442
00:27:55,160 --> 00:27:58,439
Speaker 1: I did always think that my worth was tied to

443
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:01,439
Speaker 1: what I achieved, and then I had to be exceptional.

444
00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:03,960
Speaker 1: And yet I think at those times I'd never been

445
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:07,960
Speaker 1: more miserable. So how do we reject this narrative the

446
00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:14,159
Speaker 1: wonder kind that girl Forbes thirty under thirty ideology? I

447
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:17,240
Speaker 1: think firstly, the main issue we need to tackle or

448
00:28:17,359 --> 00:28:22,360
Speaker 1: manage is our social comparison, specifically the assumption that we

449
00:28:22,520 --> 00:28:26,040
Speaker 1: know what's going on in people's lives and that their

450
00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:30,560
Speaker 1: online persona is their real persona. Although social media I

451
00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:34,080
Speaker 1: think has really enabled us to see more opportunities and options,

452
00:28:34,880 --> 00:28:37,960
Speaker 1: like we said, it's also increased the spotlight on our

453
00:28:38,000 --> 00:28:41,440
Speaker 1: own insecurities and where we feel like we are falling behind.

454
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:44,080
Speaker 1: Whatever that may be for you. And maybe I don't

455
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,000
Speaker 1: need to say this, but just in case you haven't

456
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:49,080
Speaker 1: heard it today, everything you see online is fake, like

457
00:28:49,200 --> 00:28:52,360
Speaker 1: literally everything, and I have an example of this from

458
00:28:52,520 --> 00:28:56,200
Speaker 1: my own life. I remember this point that I was

459
00:28:56,960 --> 00:29:00,520
Speaker 1: my saddest, my most unhappy version of myself. And I

460
00:29:00,640 --> 00:29:04,120
Speaker 1: also at the time was posting the most I ever

461
00:29:04,160 --> 00:29:07,280
Speaker 1: had to social media, and I would get comments and

462
00:29:07,360 --> 00:29:10,760
Speaker 1: dms from people being like, you are glowing, you look

463
00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:13,600
Speaker 1: so happy, and it was just so far from the truth.

464
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:17,120
Speaker 1: When my podcast blew up last year was when I

465
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:19,920
Speaker 1: think I was most miserable because I was so overwhelmed

466
00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:23,440
Speaker 1: by the expectations and the pressure and the visibility that

467
00:29:23,520 --> 00:29:25,720
Speaker 1: I just didn't really know how to move forward. And

468
00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:28,120
Speaker 1: I know that from the outside it probably looked like

469
00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:31,880
Speaker 1: I was accomplishing something really massive and I must be overjoyed,

470
00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,719
Speaker 1: but that was so far from the truth. That was

471
00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:38,760
Speaker 1: just so untrue. So I really think check yourself when

472
00:29:38,760 --> 00:29:43,000
Speaker 1: you begin looking at people's content or feeds or announcements

473
00:29:43,360 --> 00:29:45,640
Speaker 1: and you think that that means their life is perfect,

474
00:29:45,920 --> 00:29:49,960
Speaker 1: you know, remind yourself that you never know the full story. Secondly,

475
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,040
Speaker 1: I would say avoid toxic media or even people that

476
00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:56,080
Speaker 1: make you feel like you're falling behind just because you're

477
00:29:56,120 --> 00:29:59,760
Speaker 1: not hitting the same milestones that they are advertising. Remember,

478
00:29:59,800 --> 00:30:03,400
Speaker 1: the are really influential social cues that will inform your

479
00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:07,640
Speaker 1: vision of happiness. So critique what version of a happy

480
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:11,760
Speaker 1: life they are trying to sell you. Mainly that success

481
00:30:11,840 --> 00:30:15,160
Speaker 1: equals fulfillment and that you're only worth as much as

482
00:30:15,200 --> 00:30:18,600
Speaker 1: your output or your productivity. That's not true. Your life

483
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:21,120
Speaker 1: goal can be to work a stable job and buy

484
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:23,640
Speaker 1: a cute little house with a garden and watch hummingbirds

485
00:30:23,680 --> 00:30:26,560
Speaker 1: all day, and that is just as valid. You do

486
00:30:26,600 --> 00:30:28,720
Speaker 1: not need to have your fifteen minutes of fame. You

487
00:30:28,720 --> 00:30:31,360
Speaker 1: can give it to someone else and remind yourself that

488
00:30:31,440 --> 00:30:34,440
Speaker 1: you are still a work in progress. That is what

489
00:30:35,080 --> 00:30:39,440
Speaker 1: our twenties are all about. Figuring shit out, making mistakes,

490
00:30:39,520 --> 00:30:44,840
Speaker 1: making memories, not just acquiring accolades. And you know, just

491
00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:47,520
Speaker 1: because you're not in the same place as some random

492
00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:49,920
Speaker 1: friend you went to high school with doesn't mean you

493
00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:51,840
Speaker 1: won't get there if that's what you want, or that

494
00:30:51,920 --> 00:30:55,560
Speaker 1: you're a failure. You have time. You are taking your

495
00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:59,720
Speaker 1: time to give yourself the nuance and the dimension and

496
00:30:59,760 --> 00:31:03,000
Speaker 1: the experiences that a lot of people tend to skip over,

497
00:31:03,600 --> 00:31:07,080
Speaker 1: and those memories are just as important as more money

498
00:31:07,120 --> 00:31:10,000
Speaker 1: in your bank account or whatever. It is that this

499
00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,880
Speaker 1: vision of success is trying to subject you to having

500
00:31:14,080 --> 00:31:19,160
Speaker 1: ordinary experiences, maybe being ordinary. It doesn't stand in opposition

501
00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,400
Speaker 1: to having dreams or having a vision for your life.

502
00:31:21,960 --> 00:31:26,200
Speaker 1: You know, and considering the value in our everyday, average,

503
00:31:26,760 --> 00:31:30,880
Speaker 1: good enough lives really helps us reorientate out, you know,

504
00:31:30,960 --> 00:31:34,400
Speaker 1: reorientate ourselves back to what we actually desire. If you're

505
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:37,080
Speaker 1: very content with what you have, you're never going to

506
00:31:37,160 --> 00:31:40,360
Speaker 1: feel like you need to be like someone else. There

507
00:31:40,400 --> 00:31:43,840
Speaker 1: was this really wonderful NPR article and it really put

508
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:46,280
Speaker 1: it like this, and I think it was amazing. It

509
00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:49,160
Speaker 1: stated that, you know, we really need to focus on

510
00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:54,480
Speaker 1: finding our own interpretation of fulfillment instead of chasing that,

511
00:31:54,920 --> 00:31:58,880
Speaker 1: you know, that myth that there's always more that we

512
00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:05,120
Speaker 1: need to be doing, that every struggle, every failure is

513
00:32:05,680 --> 00:32:09,480
Speaker 1: going to define us. That every moment we don't know

514
00:32:09,520 --> 00:32:13,000
Speaker 1: what we're doing is signaling that we're behind. Because it

515
00:32:13,080 --> 00:32:15,719
Speaker 1: really is okay to not know right now. It's okay

516
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:20,400
Speaker 1: to not be someone famous or be someone really successful.

517
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:23,320
Speaker 1: You know, all kind of compiles those original thoughts and

518
00:32:23,520 --> 00:32:25,959
Speaker 1: you know those thoughts that we mentioned before. You can

519
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 1: have an ordinary life, you can have ordinary dreams, but

520
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,400
Speaker 1: also you can have big dreams and still be on

521
00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:35,800
Speaker 1: your way to achieving them and finally find the joy

522
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:39,720
Speaker 1: in everyday life. This really rests on some of the

523
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:43,160
Speaker 1: foundational principles of mindfulness, which we talk about on the

524
00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:46,680
Speaker 1: show a lot, you know, having that gratitude and that

525
00:32:46,760 --> 00:32:51,320
Speaker 1: beginner's mindset to your life. One of my therapists once

526
00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:54,120
Speaker 1: told me that one of the easiest ways to feel

527
00:32:54,120 --> 00:32:57,080
Speaker 1: more content with what you have is to try and

528
00:32:57,160 --> 00:33:01,920
Speaker 1: find four things every day that bring you delight. You know,

529
00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:04,200
Speaker 1: the little girl on the train who is like holding

530
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:07,800
Speaker 1: a flower that she found, or your favorite song that

531
00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,880
Speaker 1: is playing at the grocery store. The moment you happen

532
00:33:10,920 --> 00:33:15,280
Speaker 1: to walk in delight is such an overlooked emotion. I

533
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:18,520
Speaker 1: don't even think any definition of it does it justice.

534
00:33:19,120 --> 00:33:22,000
Speaker 1: It just feels delightful, Like we know what that feels

535
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:26,160
Speaker 1: like in our bones, and when we look for it, it

536
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:29,400
Speaker 1: comes to you and it refocuses your brain away from

537
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:34,480
Speaker 1: tangible achievements to actually just feeling happy to be here,

538
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:38,600
Speaker 1: regardless of what others are doing, regardless of what society

539
00:33:38,680 --> 00:33:41,360
Speaker 1: is expecting from you, or what we praise people for.

540
00:33:41,960 --> 00:33:44,240
Speaker 1: You're just happy to be here. You're just doing your best.

541
00:33:44,600 --> 00:33:48,440
Speaker 1: You're figuring things out, and that is just as valid

542
00:33:48,520 --> 00:33:52,960
Speaker 1: and valuable and admirable as everyone else's achievements. Like someone

543
00:33:52,960 --> 00:33:57,080
Speaker 1: else's journey is not your journey. And not only do

544
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,760
Speaker 1: we not know what's going on in their lives at

545
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:02,440
Speaker 1: this moment, we also don't know how it's gonna turn out.

546
00:34:02,560 --> 00:34:05,840
Speaker 1: Like life has such a funny way of surprising us

547
00:34:05,880 --> 00:34:07,680
Speaker 1: and giving us what we think we want at the

548
00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:10,759
Speaker 1: strangest times. So it's okay to not be at that

549
00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:13,600
Speaker 1: point you thought you were gonna be right now. It's

550
00:34:13,640 --> 00:34:17,080
Speaker 1: okay to use your twenties for something other than success

551
00:34:17,120 --> 00:34:20,400
Speaker 1: and for something other than being exceptional. All Right, I

552
00:34:20,440 --> 00:34:22,880
Speaker 1: think that's all we have time for today. I really

553
00:34:22,960 --> 00:34:27,200
Speaker 1: hope you enjoy this quick run through overview of the

554
00:34:27,320 --> 00:34:30,759
Speaker 1: pressure to be exceptional in our twenties. I'm feeling it.

555
00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,160
Speaker 1: I'm sure a lot of us are. But like we said,

556
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:36,040
Speaker 1: it's okay to just be kind of ordinary for a while.

557
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,400
Speaker 1: It's okay to just enjoy what's going on in your

558
00:34:38,440 --> 00:34:42,200
Speaker 1: life because you like it, even if society doesn't understand

559
00:34:42,239 --> 00:34:45,440
Speaker 1: it as much. So thank you so much for listening

560
00:34:45,520 --> 00:34:49,960
Speaker 1: to today's episode. As always, if you are a frequent listener,

561
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,320
Speaker 1: you know what I'm gonna ask. If you enjoyed this episode,

562
00:34:53,719 --> 00:34:56,360
Speaker 1: please feel free to leave a five star review on

563
00:34:56,440 --> 00:35:00,920
Speaker 1: Apple Podcasts, Spotify wherever you are listening right now and

564
00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,719
Speaker 1: follow along for the ride. Follow me on Instagram at

565
00:35:04,719 --> 00:35:08,120
Speaker 1: that Psychology podcast or at gemispeg if you want to

566
00:35:08,160 --> 00:35:11,160
Speaker 1: see some more personal content. Don't know why that made

567
00:35:11,160 --> 00:35:13,520
Speaker 1: it sound like it was really like our rated It's

568
00:35:13,640 --> 00:35:17,560
Speaker 1: just like pictures of dogs, like what I'm getting up

569
00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:20,200
Speaker 1: to in my life. But if you have an episode suggestion,

570
00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:22,759
Speaker 1: please send it over there. I love hearing about what's

571
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,560
Speaker 1: going on in your lives and some of the experiences

572
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:28,800
Speaker 1: that you know are actually quite common and that more

573
00:35:28,880 --> 00:35:32,000
Speaker 1: than one of you are definitely feeling. So I appreciate

574
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,640
Speaker 1: you joining the community over there. We also have a

575
00:35:34,640 --> 00:35:36,920
Speaker 1: Patreon if you want to support me. It is just

576
00:35:37,040 --> 00:35:41,200
Speaker 1: me recording, writing, editing, posting these episodes, and it's a

577
00:35:41,239 --> 00:35:44,160
Speaker 1: lot of work, so I appreciate when you guys offer

578
00:35:44,440 --> 00:35:47,680
Speaker 1: your support, as small as that may be. So thank

579
00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:51,480
Speaker 1: you so much for listening to today's episode. As always,

580
00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,200
Speaker 1: we will be back next week with another one, so

581
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:55,080
Speaker 1: I will see you then