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Speaker 1: Oh John, Oh, Sam, I love you so much. I

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Speaker 1: love you almost as much as the great stories that

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Speaker 1: are about to come up.

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Speaker 2: And you know what, I love equally as much as

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Speaker 2: the two minutes of sponsors coming up, because they support

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Speaker 2: the show and make sure that we will have our happily.

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Speaker 1: Ever, after my boyfriend opened a credit card under my

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Speaker 1: name without asking permission, jail, a literal jail. My boyfriend

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Speaker 1: John and I met at a seasonal position just over

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Speaker 1: three years ago, and when I went to finish my

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Speaker 1: studies in college after my contract was over, he moved

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Speaker 1: in with me. By the way, this comes from user

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Speaker 1: I can't think of a name, woo, And if you

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Speaker 1: want to submit your own stories, go to the horse

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Speaker 1: slash Okay storytime subrendit. My parents were supporting me a

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Speaker 1: bit and I was working a couple jobs at my

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Speaker 1: university along with going to school. So when John struggled

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Speaker 1: to find a job, as the town we lived in

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Speaker 1: was notorious for having a terrible job market, I didn't

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Speaker 1: worry too much. He worked a part time job at

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Speaker 1: Target for a couple months and sold a lot of

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Speaker 1: his belongings to help pay the bills. Soon John began

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Speaker 1: bouncing from the job to job, either letting either them

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Speaker 1: letting him go because they were overstaffed, or he would

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Speaker 1: become extremely depressed because he felt all he was doing

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Speaker 1: with his life was playing catch up on bills and

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Speaker 1: washing dishes. I understood his feelings and sympathized because I've

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Speaker 1: had depression almost all my life, so I didn't mind

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Speaker 1: supporting us, even though I was extremely stressed and stretched out.

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Speaker 1: I would try to help him find a job or

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Speaker 1: try and to help him volunteer somewhere to help with

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Speaker 1: his depressed feelings, but he didn't want to volunteer because

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Speaker 1: he said he needed to get paid to support us,

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Speaker 1: but the jobs just weren't hiring. Fast forward to my

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Speaker 1: last semester of college. I found out I was pregnant

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Speaker 1: and couldn't keep the baby because I wasn't ready by

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Speaker 1: any means, and my parents threatened me if I got

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Speaker 1: pregnant in college with various cruel words. This great parenting

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Speaker 1: props to a good job. Parents. Thanks. The best way

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Speaker 1: to keep someone from getting pregnant is to make them

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Speaker 1: as afraid of it as possible. Wow. I struggled thoroughly

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Speaker 1: with my depression because I really wanted a baby and

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Speaker 1: just knew it wasn't time. John did the same, because

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Speaker 1: all he ever wanted was to be a father, But

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Speaker 1: I thought we could band together and work through it.

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Speaker 1: I got a really good job and was about to

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Speaker 1: get my degree. He had just left a job. But

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Speaker 1: we were doing okay, struggling financially and not always eating dinner,

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Speaker 1: but no worse than a lot of my friends who

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Speaker 1: were supporting themselves as well. Fast forward again about three

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Speaker 1: months and I find out about a month after my

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Speaker 1: pregnancy ended, John had taken out a credit card in

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Speaker 1: my name and spent money with it.

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Speaker 2: What what No? No?

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Speaker 1: I confronted him good after I called my credit card

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Speaker 1: agency nice he did a credit card off my main

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Speaker 1: credit card, which I didn't know. I don't know how

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Speaker 1: that works, ask Capital One. I called them to figure

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Speaker 1: out why I was being charged two monthly fees and

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Speaker 1: found out he had taken it out and by recognized

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Speaker 1: the email he used to make an account. He denied

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Speaker 1: it at first, but finally broke down and said he

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Speaker 1: really wanted to help me build My credit finances were

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Speaker 1: a big factor on not having a child, and he

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Speaker 1: was going to pay the bill once he was working again.

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Speaker 2: Wait, He's like, no, bab babe, I have to tell you.

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Speaker 2: I took out a credit card in your name because

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Speaker 2: I wanted to help you.

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Speaker 1: Build your credit. I wanted I wanted to give you

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Speaker 1: a big, sparkly, shiny eight hundred.

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Speaker 2: Your credit score is at six point fifty, and I

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Speaker 2: just thought it could go up.

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Speaker 1: I was furious, and I told him so. He explained

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Speaker 1: he doesn't actually know how credit cards really were.

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Speaker 2: Yeah, that figure, that's pretty pretty obvious, my friend.

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Speaker 1: He was raised in foster care, which is I guess

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Speaker 1: the excuse he gave to understand the understand credit, which

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Speaker 1: doesn't make.

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Speaker 2: Sense because I was raised in foster care.

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Speaker 1: I told him to never pull this stunt again, and

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Speaker 1: that he was on thin ice. After a few weeks,

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Speaker 1: I cooled down and I told him if he did

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Speaker 1: anything else like this, it was time to let me

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Speaker 1: know so we could deal with it. I told him

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Speaker 1: I would be mad, but I would rather tell me

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Speaker 1: right now so we can work with it and move on.

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Speaker 1: He said no, so we moved on.

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Speaker 2: I think you did something else.

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Speaker 1: I have a feeling, dude.

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Speaker 2: I would have checked all. I would have gone to

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Speaker 2: my bank and said, like, is there any suspicious activity

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Speaker 2: on anything.

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Speaker 1: So John ended up getting another job and said he

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Speaker 1: would help me pay off a credit card. So I

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Speaker 1: said sure, and was very excited that I was getting

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Speaker 1: help paying bills and proud that he was helping me.

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Speaker 1: It turns out that wasn't the case, and the bills

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Speaker 1: were not getting paid on this credit card, and he

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Speaker 1: had just and he had been using it and it

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Speaker 1: was overdue and maxed out. I didn't monitor anything on

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Speaker 1: it because I trusted him, which is stupid. Yeah, I

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Speaker 1: confronted him over it and said I don't know to

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Speaker 1: handle this anymore. He apologized, and so on and so forth. Well,

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Speaker 1: by then, a bunch of outside factors were affecting us.

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Speaker 1: We were living with a self absorbed roommate who was

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Speaker 1: stealing my things and overcharging us for rent, and I

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Speaker 1: was dealing with a lot of past trauma that suddenly

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Speaker 1: surged into the forefront of my life. So I was

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Speaker 1: really just at the end of my rope. We packed

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Speaker 1: up and moved out to do some seasonal work again,

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Speaker 1: just to try and get everything settled. Girl, this is

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Speaker 1: when you leave. This is when you leave. That's when

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Speaker 1: you leave. You said, hey, don't ever do anything like

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Speaker 1: this again, you're on thin ice and that's that, and

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Speaker 1: that's it. He did it again. Now he should have

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Speaker 1: fallen through that ice.

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Speaker 2: And also he lied to you.

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Speaker 1: Right, it's time to stand on business. And if you

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Speaker 1: renege on this, you're just teaching him he can get

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Speaker 1: away with whatever you want. I told John that now

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Speaker 1: that we're both employed, I needed him to help me

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Speaker 1: pay back those bills, that these were his fault as

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Speaker 1: much as mine. Which no, they were way more his

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Speaker 1: fault than yours because you were not responsible for that. Yeah,

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Speaker 1: they were just.

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Speaker 2: In your name.

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Speaker 1: Right, He needs to help me clean up the mess

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Speaker 1: he made. He broke down and said he's working as

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Speaker 1: hard as he can and we're getting paid so little,

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Speaker 1: and that he feels all I want from him is money.

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Speaker 2: You keep stealing her money.

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Speaker 1: Not even stealing her money, you're stealing her credit. Well,

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Speaker 1: you're not even money. It's money you don't have that

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Speaker 1: she will owe. Do you think a credit card is

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Speaker 1: just free Money's money? I thought this was the free

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Speaker 1: plastic rectangle. This guy is oblivious, fool. Did you go

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Speaker 1: to the foster care system where they have a machine

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Speaker 1: that sucks with the brain out of your head? And

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Speaker 1: that you can't think anymore. What do you what? So

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Speaker 1: my idiot boyfriend thinks all I want from him is money.

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Speaker 1: I tried to tell him that's not the case. I'm

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Speaker 1: just sick of feeling like I handle all the finances

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Speaker 1: and that he spent money that was under my name

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Speaker 1: while I had to take the responsibility to pay it back.

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Speaker 1: I told him I felt like he was using me,

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Speaker 1: and he explained that he would and have sold almost

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Speaker 1: all his possessions if he was using me, and he's

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Speaker 1: doing the best he can to save up and pay

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Speaker 1: things back. Committing credit card fraud is not doing your best.

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Speaker 2: No, it's doing your worst.

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Speaker 1: He hasn't paid things back, and I get yelled at

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Speaker 1: if I do, because we have to save to see

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Speaker 1: my family. They've demanded it. Then the plane ticket has

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Speaker 1: already been purchased, and we have to save to move

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Speaker 1: somewhere after this seasonal job ends. But I'm getting pestered

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Speaker 1: by collectors constantly, and my credit score is not good.

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Speaker 1: I explain that I feel my credit score is important

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Speaker 1: to moving and making a new life, because housing and

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Speaker 1: jobs take that into consideration, and he says I'm stressing

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Speaker 1: too much. Girdel, You just leave this guy. Yeah, he sucks.

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Speaker 2: I'm like literally stealing stuff from you.

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Speaker 1: I don't feel like I'm stressing too much, but I

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Speaker 1: have a history of being extremely hard on myself and

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Speaker 1: demanding perfection. I'm worried I'm just demanding perfection of him too.

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Speaker 1: I can honestly see he's trying and working extremely hard,

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Speaker 1: but I feel like he could be doing more. And

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Speaker 1: every time I bring it up, he gets so sad

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Speaker 1: because he can tell it's hurting me.

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Speaker 2: He's crazy. You're giving him way too much credit.

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Speaker 1: He has like reverse Stockholm syndrome. Ors like you're doing so.

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Speaker 2: Hard and you're like, I feel so bad because I'm

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Speaker 2: being so hard on him. I mean, like, I get

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Speaker 2: that he's trying. Even after he stole my my credit,

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Speaker 2: he's still trying.

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Speaker 1: Yeah, not to mention he's committed financial fraud against your

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Speaker 1: press charges against him and break up with him. I'm

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Speaker 1: worried he's trying to fix it, and I don't see

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Speaker 1: it because I only understand one way of fixing this,

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Speaker 1: and that's paying everything off, Whereas he he's fixing it

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Speaker 1: as saving up and making sure we don't have to

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Speaker 1: go into debt anymore? Am I being too hard on

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Speaker 1: him or too impatient with trying to repair things financially?

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Speaker 1: Or am I just ignoring red flags because I love

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Speaker 1: the bugger to death and there's an update. You're already

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Speaker 1: said to run.

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Speaker 2: Red flags left and right. Girl, pay attention to those

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Speaker 2: red flags because they're only get update.

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Speaker 1: Thank you all for the thoughts and insight. I guess

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Speaker 1: I told a lot of information without some other things

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Speaker 1: I did. After I found out about the initial credit

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Speaker 1: card stuff, I canceled those cards immediately and cut them up.

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Speaker 1: After confronting John and taking them, I started studying my

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Speaker 1: credit reports and such for the first time and have

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Speaker 1: been trying to budget. We live in a place that

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Speaker 1: takes rent and food out of our paychecks, so those

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Speaker 1: bills are not a worry. Currently, this relationship cannot continue.

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Speaker 1: Like what would have to happen? Would he have to.

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Speaker 2: Stay off any of the life?

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Speaker 1: Steal cash? Like what would he have to do to

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Speaker 1: get you to see that you should leave? Steal jewelry

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Speaker 1: like he's stolen from you, Like he stole your identity,

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Speaker 1: refuse and gave you debt. That's the same thing as

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Speaker 1: stealing money from you and he goes. Relax, Relax, babe,

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Speaker 1: make him face the consequences. Don't just break up with him.

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Speaker 1: Make him face the consequences of criming you. He crimed you.

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Speaker 1: Let's finish this story. I spoke to him last night

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Speaker 1: and told him I felt he was manipulating me to

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Speaker 1: get away with this, and he took it very well.

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Speaker 1: There were no tears and no yelling, and we spoke

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Speaker 1: like adults. I told him that a lot of things

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Speaker 1: he was saying felt like utter bs around those credit cards,

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Speaker 1: and he explained he's an idiot about credit and has

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Speaker 1: gone his whole life without knowing anything about it. This

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Speaker 1: is the only bad thing he's done, and it wasn't

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Speaker 1: out of spite. That may sound stupid to some of you,

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Speaker 1: but it's clear to me, and that's why I'm still here.

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Speaker 1: We're working on a lot of financial plans, and when

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Speaker 1: we live in civilization again, I'm going to look into

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Speaker 1: getting both of us into financial counseling and probably regular counseling.

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Speaker 1: It's hard to know total situations without knowing both parties inaccurate.

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Speaker 3: Wow.

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Speaker 1: But I'm deeply grateful for those of you who opened

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Speaker 1: your minds and hearts on this situation and reached out

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Speaker 1: to me. It really means a lot.

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Speaker 2: Well, I don't know, we don't know your relationship. I

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Speaker 2: guess we all only know what you told us, and

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Speaker 2: you told us he frauded you, So.

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Speaker 1: Of course every moment of your relationship is not going

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Speaker 1: to be your boyfriend committing fraud against you. This is true,

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Speaker 1: But we can't let the good times.

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Speaker 2: Like allow us to forget that he frauded right like

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Speaker 2: he committed the fraud, the big fraud.

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Speaker 1: It's literally it's the bank robber. The bank robber walks

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Speaker 1: into the bank dressed like a bank robber, and you go,

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Speaker 1: you can go into the vault, and he takes the money,

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Speaker 1: and you go, what's up with that? He goes, I

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Speaker 1: don't know. I didn't mean to. It's just I just

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Speaker 1: don't know how to take money out of the bank

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Speaker 1: the right way. I don't know. And you go, okay, Well,

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Speaker 1: next time you come in, you get a withdrawal slip

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Speaker 1: and you get some money out of the bank, and

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Speaker 1: it's okay. Next time he comes in, he has a

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Speaker 1: bigger bag. He goes into the vault, he takes even

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Speaker 1: more money, and he goes, I just don't understand. You

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Speaker 1: know me, I was raised in the foster cure system.

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Speaker 1: I'm a US Marshall. But yeah, it's half your line.

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Speaker 1: Know when it's crossed, and if it goes I was there,

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Speaker 1: you gotta break up with them.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, my girlfriend wanted me to move out, so.

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Speaker 1: I broke up with her. Well that's a decision.

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Speaker 4: So my significant another and I were immediately attracted to

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Speaker 4: one another. We met six years ago and I moved

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Speaker 4: in with her only after a couple of months. I

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Speaker 4: knew what I was getting into. She owned a condo

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Speaker 4: that she purchased with her ex, who had left her

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Speaker 4: probably about a year prior, and she was stuck with

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Speaker 4: a poor mortgage rate and was struggling to chip away

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Speaker 4: at about ten thousand dollars in credit card debt. By

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Speaker 4: the way, this comes from Stray Canoe and if you

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Speaker 4: want to smit your own stories, go to the r

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Speaker 4: slash Okay story time suburn. So I don't mind at

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Speaker 4: all that I would be a great help to her

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Speaker 4: financially because we both got along so well from day one.

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Speaker 4: I'm eccentric, read, introvert, emotionally complicated, not always the easiest

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Speaker 4: person to get along with, and I value the fact

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Speaker 4: that she saw past my weird exterior to the kind,

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Speaker 4: loving and generous per person that I am when given

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Speaker 4: the chance to open up in a comfortable environment.

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Speaker 1: So like, that's usually like kind of just partnership.

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Speaker 4: Yeah, So I didn't feel taken advantage of the affectionate

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Speaker 4: feelings we had were and still are mutual and genuine

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Speaker 4: that always formed the core of the life we share.

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Speaker 4: As the years went by, we discovered things about each

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Speaker 4: other that caused problems, as one would expect, for the

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Speaker 4: most part, we were a living embodiment of the serenity prayer.

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Speaker 4: We learned to accept things about one another. I am

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Speaker 4: emotionally needy. Sometimes she kind of sucks at household and

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Speaker 4: managing finances. We changed things that we could. My neediness resisted.

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Speaker 4: My needness restricted her socially, So I learned to trust

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Speaker 4: her not to drudge her time with her friends. She

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Speaker 4: tries her best to be tidy and prudent with her

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Speaker 4: cash flow and tries to meet my emotional needs in

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Speaker 4: a healthy, non dysfunctional, disabling way. And our wisdom grew slowly.

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Speaker 4: For sure, through it all, all our fiction, through it all,

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Speaker 4: our affection for and commitment towards one another, one out

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Speaker 4: other conflicts. Okay, this seems to be pretty pretty good.

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Speaker 1: We're direction.

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Speaker 4: Teaming up allowed us to tackle her crappy financial situation.

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Speaker 4: It took some time, but we got rid of the

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Speaker 4: credit card debt and we have managed to keep the condo.

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Speaker 4: The thing is, even though we teamed up, we both

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Speaker 4: wanted independent finances, so we have kept our separate bank accounts.

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Speaker 4: We split expenses not quite evenly. I cover food, internet, entertainment,

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Speaker 4: car payments, while she shoulders the responsibilities for handling the

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Speaker 4: overpriced mortgage payments, home insurance, and condo fees because she

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Speaker 4: sees it as her mess. Uh, that's true. It is

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Speaker 4: also her condo. I know that you're like living in

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Speaker 4: there with her. She's taking on more of it and

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Speaker 4: it is her condo. It seems kind of fair, right

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Speaker 4: should he shipping on the condo mortgage payments if he's

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Speaker 4: living there?

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Speaker 1: I mean yeah, But I mean, is it gonna be

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Speaker 1: like a split asset? Like? How far are you guys

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Speaker 1: going with that? Yeah? So it's like, I mean, if

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Speaker 1: you want to do something like it should definitely be

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Speaker 1: a written agreement. It shouldn't be like a you know,

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Speaker 1: iron it out for real, for real, if you're gonna

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Speaker 1: do it.

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Speaker 4: She wouldn't let me sign on the mortgage or even

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Speaker 4: sit in when she had it renewed, even though I

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Speaker 4: just wanted to learn the process. I've never had a

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Speaker 4: mortgage myself. Unfortunately, she still misses the occasional payment due

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Speaker 4: to her habit of spending most of her extra money

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Speaker 4: rather than saving it, and I've had to build her out,

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Speaker 4: so now he's kind of helping out.

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Speaker 1: I just love the way that's phrase like. Unfortunately, due

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Speaker 1: to circumstances completely out of our control, she is constantly

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Speaker 1: spending all of her money. She can't pay the mortgage.

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Speaker 4: I don't see this is unfair because I'm able to

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Speaker 4: save a good amount of money because I was covering

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Speaker 4: fewer expenses, but she still insists on paying me back,

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Speaker 4: even if if it takes a few months. This has

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Speaker 4: been the arrangement all this time, and so far it

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00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:09,280
Speaker 4: has worked itself out, despite being somewhat unbalanced. As for

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Speaker 4: the non financial aspect, our bond, while a little less

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00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,800
Speaker 4: passionate than when we first met, is still strong, less

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00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,520
Speaker 4: strong than I believe more on that to come. We

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00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,480
Speaker 4: are still affectionate and intimate and spend lots of time

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Speaker 4: in our spare time together, but we have separate hobbies

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Speaker 4: and groups of friends, which gives us some breathing room. Admittedly,

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Speaker 4: both of our lives are in a bit of a rut.

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Speaker 4: I've been to the same job since we met, ordered

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Speaker 4: desk clerk at a building supply company with minimal chance

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Speaker 4: for investment through I though I am toying with the

335
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:49,200
Speaker 4: idea of becoming machinists. I played bass seeing an occasional

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00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:52,840
Speaker 4: rock band once a week with occasional performances. She is

337
00:16:52,920 --> 00:16:57,920
Speaker 4: a clothing store manager, advancing slowly but surely towards becoming

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00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:02,080
Speaker 4: a district manager. But she does little in her spare time.

339
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:06,040
Speaker 4: Hang out at home with me, watch TV, see friends occasionally,

340
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:11,159
Speaker 4: and mess around with the odd craft project. Okay, seems

341
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:12,159
Speaker 4: like a regular couple.

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Speaker 1: We're finding balance.

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Speaker 4: Both of her drops are stressful, and I have started

344
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Speaker 4: drinking moderate amounts almost every day in order to relax

345
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Speaker 4: and unwine when I get home, while she barely drinks

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Speaker 4: at all.

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Speaker 1: I know that's not a good coping mechanism. My guy,

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Speaker 1: let's not do this.

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Speaker 4: I don't get much exercise, so I put on some weight,

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Speaker 4: but for the most part, she hasn't put any pressure

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Speaker 4: on me to change my lifestyle. I believe we are

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00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:45,399
Speaker 4: both sufficiently content. That changed last night. Well, she was

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Speaker 4: over at her best friend's house, her friend being the

354
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Speaker 4: wife of a married couple, while I was at home chilling,

355
00:17:51,000 --> 00:17:53,800
Speaker 4: browsing Reddit, and getting ready for bed. I text her

356
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,399
Speaker 4: around midnight when I was expecting her to come home,

357
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,520
Speaker 4: asking whether she would still drive to me to work

358
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Speaker 4: the next day because my car was in the shop.

359
00:18:02,119 --> 00:18:05,679
Speaker 4: But to my surprise, her phone was off. Okay, whatever,

360
00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:08,120
Speaker 4: I said to myself, they're probably just having a good

361
00:18:08,119 --> 00:18:10,359
Speaker 4: time and she forgot to pullug her phone in. I

362
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:12,879
Speaker 4: fought the urge to be my old, needy self and

363
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,240
Speaker 4: text her friend to ask my significant other to call me,

364
00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:19,320
Speaker 4: but as a minutes turned into an hour, I became

365
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:24,480
Speaker 4: increasingly nervous since this wasn't like her at all. Okay,

366
00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:28,119
Speaker 4: any any I'm thinking cheating, but like, she probably just

367
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:31,280
Speaker 4: has a phone not on you, any thoughts.

368
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Speaker 1: I mean, like, you know, I'll be a worry worrier guy.

369
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Speaker 1: So if it comes down to the point where I'm

370
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Speaker 1: like I've expected to hear from you and I haven't,

371
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Speaker 1: I'm not gonna be like, oh, am I being clingy.

372
00:18:43,359 --> 00:18:44,120
Speaker 1: I'm gonna be like.

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Speaker 4: Hey, you're alive, right, okay, and you're just checking about safety.

374
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:50,240
Speaker 1: Yeah, I just want to make sure, okay now, and

375
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,800
Speaker 1: then if you don't want to talk to me, all right, okay.

376
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:57,119
Speaker 4: She finally texted me back, saying she was surprised I

377
00:18:57,160 --> 00:19:00,840
Speaker 4: was still up and giving me some cryptic response about

378
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,119
Speaker 4: what they were up to. S freaked me out for

379
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:06,280
Speaker 4: one very large reason. The friend that she was visiting

380
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:09,520
Speaker 4: and this friend's husband both had hinted in the past

381
00:19:09,520 --> 00:19:12,200
Speaker 4: that they didn't think my significant other and I were

382
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:15,120
Speaker 4: right for each other. I never put much thought to it,

383
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,600
Speaker 4: since they are very different people from us, and neither

384
00:19:18,640 --> 00:19:22,040
Speaker 4: of them understand or even know me particularly well. And

385
00:19:22,040 --> 00:19:25,280
Speaker 4: I thought my significant other also took their perspective with

386
00:19:25,359 --> 00:19:29,480
Speaker 4: a grain of salt. Apparently not. After a few drinks

387
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,440
Speaker 4: and it gets late at night, you start start.

388
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:36,280
Speaker 1: Yeah, sorry, right, start letting the truth fly, start letting

389
00:19:36,359 --> 00:19:37,199
Speaker 1: influences it.

390
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:44,439
Speaker 4: Finally, at two am, she called me. I was wide awake,

391
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:48,080
Speaker 4: in a nervous wreck. I was initially very upset about

392
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:50,879
Speaker 4: her lateness, but I calmed down and asked what she

393
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,440
Speaker 4: had been up to She confirmed that what I had

394
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:58,080
Speaker 4: feared was in fact not paranora, and it was actually

395
00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:02,439
Speaker 4: quite well founded. She and drop the periverhal bomb. She

396
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:06,439
Speaker 4: said that she had been dissatisfied for some time and

397
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:09,719
Speaker 4: was looking at scenarios that would solve the problems that

398
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:13,159
Speaker 4: she perceived. I was confused at first because she was

399
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,840
Speaker 4: beating around the bush with her choice of words. But

400
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,600
Speaker 4: when she made a home I questioned what she really meant,

401
00:20:18,880 --> 00:20:22,720
Speaker 4: and the real story came out. The only scenario that

402
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,119
Speaker 4: she thought would be helpful for me was to move

403
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:32,119
Speaker 4: out out of fourteen trillion, five hundred billion, eighty three million,

404
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:33,800
Speaker 4: four hundred thousand and one.

405
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:38,159
Speaker 1: I mean, like, it's not wrong. Yeah, maybe like you

406
00:20:38,200 --> 00:20:42,080
Speaker 1: guys moved in real quick, and it's hard to They

407
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:45,080
Speaker 1: can be difficult to like take a perceived step back

408
00:20:45,080 --> 00:20:47,119
Speaker 1: in a relationship where it's like, well we moved in

409
00:20:47,160 --> 00:20:50,000
Speaker 1: together and it failed, so now what did we fail?

410
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:51,439
Speaker 1: But it can just be like you did it to

411
00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:55,800
Speaker 1: herly maybe I would say that, But across us, behind

412
00:20:55,800 --> 00:21:00,359
Speaker 1: moving in, it's it's moving in, you know, proposing and

413
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:04,879
Speaker 1: then married and then you know on from there. Yeah,

414
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:08,479
Speaker 1: I feel like move in and then undoing that is okay,

415
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,640
Speaker 1: but it's like it's not like being like, let's get engaged,

416
00:21:11,640 --> 00:21:14,159
Speaker 1: and then it's like, okay, it's just kidding. It's unengaged.

417
00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:16,800
Speaker 1: I feel like that's like a, well, that's you're probably

418
00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:17,600
Speaker 1: not making it back from that.

419
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:20,000
Speaker 4: But but moving in together and being like we should

420
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:20,720
Speaker 4: move out.

421
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:23,199
Speaker 1: If it's done in the right way, you could do it.

422
00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:26,600
Speaker 1: But if it's emotionally charged at all, it's it's probably

423
00:21:26,640 --> 00:21:29,880
Speaker 1: gonna be like the beginning of the end. She didn't

424
00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:30,520
Speaker 1: say breakup.

425
00:21:30,680 --> 00:21:33,480
Speaker 4: In fact, it seems she wants to separate just for

426
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:35,880
Speaker 4: a while so she can work some things out for herself.

427
00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,320
Speaker 4: I was very emotional at first. I'm a person who

428
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,720
Speaker 4: is most comfortable with a partner I can live and

429
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,080
Speaker 4: share a bed with every night. I couldn't imagine that

430
00:21:45,119 --> 00:21:48,800
Speaker 4: our relationship could survive a separation or I calmed myself

431
00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:52,199
Speaker 4: down and listen very carefully to the reasons she wanted

432
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:55,960
Speaker 4: to have this happen. She is unhappy with the afremistion

433
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:59,359
Speaker 4: rut that we're in and with the kind of people

434
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,160
Speaker 4: we have become. She is concerned that we are both

435
00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,000
Speaker 4: inactive blobs that sit around too much, that my job

436
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,800
Speaker 4: is a dead end, and that the fact that I've

437
00:22:08,840 --> 00:22:12,240
Speaker 4: begun drinking more and gaining more weight is a sign

438
00:22:12,320 --> 00:22:15,560
Speaker 4: that our lives are in a downside. She put a

439
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,560
Speaker 4: lot of blame on herself. She feels guilty that I

440
00:22:18,640 --> 00:22:20,359
Speaker 4: have to bail her out and do most of the

441
00:22:20,359 --> 00:22:23,840
Speaker 4: household work, and yet at the same time, she shifted

442
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,399
Speaker 4: the blame on me, in so many words, to me,

443
00:22:27,119 --> 00:22:30,959
Speaker 4: or rather the relationship itself, for being a crutch, basically

444
00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:35,399
Speaker 4: enabling her to be lazy and financially irresponsible because I'm

445
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,840
Speaker 4: always there to help her out and do the things

446
00:22:37,880 --> 00:22:41,000
Speaker 4: that need to be done. She also felt guilty that

447
00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:44,080
Speaker 4: she was keeping me from playing more music, even though

448
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,760
Speaker 4: I'd made my own choice about it. I had, at

449
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,680
Speaker 4: a time when I was more enthusiastic about jamming, expressed

450
00:22:51,680 --> 00:22:53,919
Speaker 4: a desire for us to move closer to the city

451
00:22:53,960 --> 00:22:57,800
Speaker 4: center for that purpose, but it simply hadn't been possible

452
00:22:57,840 --> 00:23:01,480
Speaker 4: for us at that time. A few years past, I

453
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:05,439
Speaker 4: chose to settle into a more casual approach to playing.

454
00:23:05,480 --> 00:23:08,359
Speaker 1: Oh my God, so they've been living together for years? Yep?

455
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:11,879
Speaker 1: Is that what I just heard? Yep? I think? So

456
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:14,480
Speaker 1: this is just my theory. This is my feeling on it.

457
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:18,880
Speaker 1: She's kind of seeing you go downhill in a way,

458
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:23,080
Speaker 1: so to speak, and instead of being like I'm gonna lift,

459
00:23:23,119 --> 00:23:25,280
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try to uplift my partner out of this,

460
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:27,760
Speaker 1: she's kind of being like, Ooh, that's not the guy

461
00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:31,760
Speaker 1: I liked, so I'm gonna back way. Yeah, and like,

462
00:23:32,560 --> 00:23:35,880
Speaker 1: you know, after six years.

463
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:38,320
Speaker 4: And also helping her pay off her debt.

464
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:40,720
Speaker 1: And you helped her pay off her debt, she said,

465
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:45,040
Speaker 1: you'd think that there'd be more's there's a lot of issues.

466
00:23:45,520 --> 00:23:47,880
Speaker 4: Yeah, there's a lot of issues, and I think they needed.

467
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:50,320
Speaker 4: They're being addressed. They're not breaking up, they're just being addressed.

468
00:23:50,760 --> 00:23:54,520
Speaker 4: She says she recognizes that her shortcomings that are causing

469
00:23:54,560 --> 00:23:57,720
Speaker 4: her distress, but she's convinced that she will be unable

470
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,960
Speaker 4: to improve herself within our current arrange. She wants to

471
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:03,439
Speaker 4: be alone to prove that she could be independent and

472
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,679
Speaker 4: look after herself. I argue that there's nothing wrong with

473
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:10,040
Speaker 4: me being there to help her because that's what couples

474
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:11,920
Speaker 4: are meant to do, and that if she really wants

475
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:14,080
Speaker 4: to change her behavior, I could be a help rather

476
00:24:14,119 --> 00:24:16,960
Speaker 4: than a hindrance. I pointed out that she is I

477
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:20,119
Speaker 4: point out that she's always broke even with me covering expenses,

478
00:24:20,440 --> 00:24:22,560
Speaker 4: so there's no way she would be able to keep

479
00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:25,920
Speaker 4: up the condo if we were to separate. She believes otherwise.

480
00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:29,320
Speaker 4: She thinks that covering all the expenses herself will force

481
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,840
Speaker 4: her to become more responsible. My instinct told me her

482
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:38,480
Speaker 4: reasoning is backwards, and I said, so she pushes me away,

483
00:24:38,760 --> 00:24:41,679
Speaker 4: she'll only dig herself into another hole. I believe she

484
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:44,919
Speaker 4: has to find the change within herself while in a safe,

485
00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:49,399
Speaker 4: supportive environment. Maybe she's right, but my own experience is

486
00:24:49,440 --> 00:24:52,879
Speaker 4: prior to meeting her, taught me that total independence is

487
00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,600
Speaker 4: an illusion. In the broader sense. We modern humans are

488
00:24:56,600 --> 00:24:59,199
Speaker 4: totally dependent on the society in which we live in

489
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:03,280
Speaker 4: and the d individual sense. Turning down assistance which is

490
00:25:03,320 --> 00:25:08,960
Speaker 4: solely needed only serves to pointless alienation from oneself from

491
00:25:09,000 --> 00:25:13,240
Speaker 4: those who wish to help. I argued that what matters

492
00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:17,000
Speaker 4: is how we behave when we receive assistance. On the

493
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:20,080
Speaker 4: other end of the spectrum, we can choose to use

494
00:25:20,160 --> 00:25:24,720
Speaker 4: generosity as an excuse for complacency and become spoiled, always

495
00:25:24,760 --> 00:25:27,600
Speaker 4: expecting a handout. On the correct end of the spectrum,

496
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,600
Speaker 4: we can be inspired by generosity and use it as

497
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:34,360
Speaker 4: an opportunity to better ourselves and eventually return or pay

498
00:25:34,400 --> 00:25:35,600
Speaker 4: forward what we have given.

499
00:25:37,080 --> 00:25:40,720
Speaker 1: I feel like something's being talked around. I feel circles.

500
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,200
Speaker 1: I feel circles. There's something in the middle of all

501
00:25:43,280 --> 00:25:47,199
Speaker 1: of this, like jargon, which whatever it's, it has its place.

502
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:50,480
Speaker 1: But it's like, why are we talking about that? Roberto

503
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:52,920
Speaker 1: probably wants to break up and find someone else because

504
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:55,880
Speaker 1: she's not attracted to you anymore because you're depressed and

505
00:25:56,119 --> 00:25:59,639
Speaker 1: drinking a lot and you aren't as physically appealing to

506
00:25:59,680 --> 00:26:02,159
Speaker 1: her as you. She doesn't want to say that to you,

507
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:07,040
Speaker 1: so she's saying all this other stuff, but like that's

508
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:09,600
Speaker 1: a reality something it's like and it's informing. It's like

509
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:12,800
Speaker 1: she's not wanting to lift you up out of this.

510
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:16,399
Speaker 1: I don't like this. It's just like, yeah, she doesn't

511
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:18,399
Speaker 1: want to say the thing that would make her an

512
00:26:18,520 --> 00:26:22,400
Speaker 1: undeniable bad guy in the situation, which is I don't

513
00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:25,000
Speaker 1: want to stick around while you're down and out. I

514
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:26,879
Speaker 1: want to go find greener pastures.

515
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:27,760
Speaker 4: Let's keep reading.

516
00:26:27,840 --> 00:26:29,359
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I said that.

517
00:26:29,520 --> 00:26:31,600
Speaker 4: For example, if I have the time to clean the

518
00:26:31,680 --> 00:26:34,920
Speaker 4: kitchen rather than feel guilty about it, or accepting unequal

519
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,239
Speaker 4: situation as the norm. She should express her gratitude by

520
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:41,520
Speaker 4: cleaning the bathroom. But no, it seems there's no convincing her.

521
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:45,119
Speaker 4: She cannot see any other solution, and it appears I

522
00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,480
Speaker 4: would be forced to accept it. It's funny neither of

523
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,840
Speaker 4: us grew up with the best role models to show

524
00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:54,040
Speaker 4: us how to maintain a steady relationship. I was raised

525
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:57,240
Speaker 4: by a single mother, who, while being intelligent and loving,

526
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,679
Speaker 4: was never able to maintain relationships with men for more

527
00:27:00,720 --> 00:27:03,679
Speaker 4: than a year or two. Probably do the shepherd as

528
00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:07,840
Speaker 4: a young woman. My significant other's parents suspise one another

529
00:27:08,160 --> 00:27:11,760
Speaker 4: and fought consistently, and yet forced themselves to live under

530
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:14,359
Speaker 4: the same roof because they thought that it was the

531
00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:18,120
Speaker 4: proper environment in which to raise two of their daughters.

532
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:21,119
Speaker 4: Her mother's solution to conflict were to be to leaved

533
00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:23,639
Speaker 4: for a long period of time, but she would always

534
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:27,920
Speaker 4: come back, though not now that our kids are grown. Now,

535
00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:31,120
Speaker 4: my significant other is adopting the same strategy as her mother.

536
00:27:31,760 --> 00:27:34,520
Speaker 4: Hold on't no, she can't seem to recognize that the

537
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,760
Speaker 4: fact that she and I are able to set our

538
00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:40,240
Speaker 4: emotions aside and discuss our concerns in a calm and

539
00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:43,560
Speaker 4: rational way suggests as that we and I have the

540
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:47,080
Speaker 4: potential to form a healthier relationship than our parents ever did.

541
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:50,879
Speaker 4: She is overcome with pessimism and nothing I've said so

542
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:54,720
Speaker 4: far has changed her mind. Simply writing this novella of

543
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:58,520
Speaker 4: the post has helped me to organize my thoughts on

544
00:27:58,600 --> 00:28:03,040
Speaker 4: the situation. I would appreciate any advice you wacky internet

545
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,919
Speaker 4: strangers might be able to offer. Guys, we gotten at it.

546
00:28:07,520 --> 00:28:10,200
Speaker 4: I think she wants to break up with you. Yeah,

547
00:28:10,240 --> 00:28:13,440
Speaker 4: and this guy is overthinking like crazy, Well, she.

548
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,840
Speaker 1: Doesn't want to be a bad guy. No one ever

549
00:28:14,920 --> 00:28:19,359
Speaker 1: wants to be the bad guy. Is it suspicious that

550
00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,880
Speaker 1: the ex girlfriend at her house paid off? Or by

551
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:24,080
Speaker 1: that this girlfriend at the house paid off and now

552
00:28:24,119 --> 00:28:29,480
Speaker 1: she's like, I gotta like go find other guys. It

553
00:28:29,520 --> 00:28:33,400
Speaker 1: is a little suspicious, but there's other factors like Opie's personality,

554
00:28:33,520 --> 00:28:36,680
Speaker 1: and it's like, look, if people change, Like six years

555
00:28:36,720 --> 00:28:39,080
Speaker 1: is a more than enough time for somebody to change,

556
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:41,760
Speaker 1: and they can change into a person that we are

557
00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:45,120
Speaker 1: not quite as into as the person they were when

558
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:45,640
Speaker 1: we met them.

559
00:28:45,680 --> 00:28:48,560
Speaker 4: Well, it's reet the update after listening to the advice

560
00:28:48,600 --> 00:28:51,280
Speaker 4: I received here and elsewhere, although it seemed to echo

561
00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:55,160
Speaker 4: the same sentiment, I went ahead and stopped resisting what

562
00:28:55,360 --> 00:28:57,440
Speaker 4: I now realized to be the best course of action

563
00:28:57,560 --> 00:28:58,240
Speaker 4: for both of us.

564
00:28:58,680 --> 00:28:59,520
Speaker 1: They break it up.

565
00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:01,880
Speaker 4: I already knew it deep down, but I was afraid

566
00:29:01,920 --> 00:29:05,480
Speaker 4: of the pain and emptiness that comes with a breakup. Thankfully,

567
00:29:05,520 --> 00:29:08,800
Speaker 4: there's no anger or hatred between us, only love and compassion,

568
00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,760
Speaker 4: which will make the transition a bit easier, though we

569
00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,800
Speaker 4: are both currently drowning and highly complicated feelings.

570
00:29:15,120 --> 00:29:18,320
Speaker 1: So they broke up. Yeah, they're done, and that's the end.

571
00:29:18,480 --> 00:29:20,720
Speaker 4: Is like that, I know you helped me pay off

572
00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:23,800
Speaker 4: my credit card debt and pay my mortgage, but yeah,

573
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:24,880
Speaker 4: you should leave now.

574
00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,959
Speaker 1: But you know, also, just because someone did that for

575
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:31,840
Speaker 1: you does not mean that you're, you know it, like

576
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:35,600
Speaker 1: entitled obligated to stay with him forever. However, it does

577
00:29:35,640 --> 00:29:38,040
Speaker 1: feel like he's in like a really bad place. And

578
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,520
Speaker 1: instead of being like, all right, well, I'm gonna like

579
00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,080
Speaker 1: make sure we get through this, she's like, it's really

580
00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,800
Speaker 1: looking like this is more than I want to chew

581
00:29:46,880 --> 00:29:51,000
Speaker 1: on right now, So I think we should just you know,

582
00:29:51,760 --> 00:29:53,600
Speaker 1: and then instead. But she's not putting it like that.

583
00:29:53,640 --> 00:29:55,680
Speaker 1: She's trying to put it in the way where it's like, oh,

584
00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:59,040
Speaker 1: it's this who knows, and it's really me, but it's

585
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:02,080
Speaker 1: not me. It's like you and how I feel about you,

586
00:30:02,120 --> 00:30:06,600
Speaker 1: and then that's me, but really it's you, and none

587
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,400
Speaker 1: of that got sorted out, and now you paid for

588
00:30:08,440 --> 00:30:11,000
Speaker 1: her house and she's being like, I can't handle you

589
00:30:11,040 --> 00:30:13,200
Speaker 1: at your worst, so goodbye.

590
00:30:13,560 --> 00:30:16,000
Speaker 4: Yeah, it's probably best that they both break up because

591
00:30:16,040 --> 00:30:17,640
Speaker 4: it seemed toxic for one another.

592
00:30:19,120 --> 00:30:21,080
Speaker 1: John here, we're gonna get back to this juicy story,

593
00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:23,280
Speaker 1: but a quick three minute break of ads from our sponsors.

594
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:27,440
Speaker 2: My boyfriend's axe is becoming a problem, and he's oblivious

595
00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:27,760
Speaker 2: to it.

596
00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:31,560
Speaker 1: The classic boyfriend's acts is a problem conundrum.

597
00:30:31,600 --> 00:30:34,360
Speaker 2: My boyfriend and I have been together for two years.

598
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:37,360
Speaker 2: I love him so much and I see a future

599
00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:40,120
Speaker 2: where I'm married to him one day. He's such an

600
00:30:40,120 --> 00:30:45,440
Speaker 2: amazing person, but is so oblivious. It's funny, sometimes frustrating

601
00:30:45,480 --> 00:30:49,720
Speaker 2: other times, but sometimes just makes me really sad. I

602
00:30:49,760 --> 00:30:52,760
Speaker 2: don't blame him for his obliviousness, it's just his nature.

603
00:30:53,400 --> 00:30:55,760
Speaker 2: His parents and siblings are all the same way. It

604
00:30:55,920 --> 00:30:57,840
Speaker 2: just doesn't get things.

605
00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:01,160
Speaker 1: Is it's a classic scorpion in the frog. It's simply

606
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,280
Speaker 1: my nature. It's his nature.

607
00:31:03,400 --> 00:31:06,640
Speaker 2: That would be really if I had a partner and

608
00:31:06,680 --> 00:31:09,320
Speaker 2: they were talking about me this way, they're like, he's

609
00:31:09,480 --> 00:31:13,680
Speaker 2: just They're just oblivious. It's just their nature. I'd be

610
00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:17,760
Speaker 2: like super offendish. That said, he's not stupid. Once he

611
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:21,520
Speaker 2: figures things out, he's absolutely brilliant. But getting him to

612
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:24,360
Speaker 2: figure things out is tough. By the way, this comes

613
00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:26,440
Speaker 2: from simple accountant and if you want to spend your

614
00:31:26,440 --> 00:31:29,040
Speaker 2: own stories, go to the r slash Okay storytime separate it.

615
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:32,440
Speaker 2: There are problems in our relationship, most of the minor,

616
00:31:32,640 --> 00:31:36,000
Speaker 2: one of them very major. He's very aware of them.

617
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:39,680
Speaker 2: That's surprising. He makes it very clear how sorry he

618
00:31:39,800 --> 00:31:42,080
Speaker 2: is when they come up. But he just doesn't understand

619
00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,840
Speaker 2: why these things are problems and usually can't come to

620
00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:48,400
Speaker 2: the conclusion of how to solve them without me spelling

621
00:31:48,400 --> 00:31:50,000
Speaker 2: it right out for him and telling him what he

622
00:31:50,040 --> 00:31:53,240
Speaker 2: needs to do. I really hate doing that. I often

623
00:31:53,280 --> 00:31:56,640
Speaker 2: feel like I'm being controlling or guilting or manipulating him

624
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:59,000
Speaker 2: into doing things that he should already know how to do.

625
00:31:59,640 --> 00:32:03,480
Speaker 2: So my boyfriend has survived a couple attempts through severe depression.

626
00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,480
Speaker 2: He still suffers from depression, but it's amazing how much

627
00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:10,480
Speaker 2: better he's doing today. This was before he met me,

628
00:32:11,360 --> 00:32:13,760
Speaker 2: and he was in a long term relationship when they occurred.

629
00:32:14,280 --> 00:32:16,840
Speaker 2: His ex girlfriend saved his life on multiple occasions, and

630
00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:19,080
Speaker 2: for that, I'm so grateful. And it seems like that's

631
00:32:19,120 --> 00:32:21,200
Speaker 2: kind of referring to self harm, so I am going

632
00:32:21,200 --> 00:32:25,400
Speaker 2: to put a trigger warning for self harm for this episode.

633
00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,600
Speaker 2: That said, I feel bad saying this, but that's just

634
00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:31,120
Speaker 2: what any person who has any degree of morals at

635
00:32:31,160 --> 00:32:34,080
Speaker 2: all does for something. I don't think that makes someone

636
00:32:34,120 --> 00:32:36,880
Speaker 2: a great person. In fact, his ex is not a

637
00:32:36,880 --> 00:32:39,560
Speaker 2: good person at all. My boyfriend feels that he's in

638
00:32:39,640 --> 00:32:42,160
Speaker 2: some sort of life debt to her, and for that

639
00:32:42,360 --> 00:32:45,520
Speaker 2: will do anything to avoid upsetting her. This is a

640
00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:49,440
Speaker 2: problem because our relationship upsets her. My boyfriend's ex is

641
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:54,960
Speaker 2: still in love with him yoicks all these years later,

642
00:32:55,240 --> 00:32:57,840
Speaker 2: and constantly needs to be consoled over the fact that

643
00:32:57,880 --> 00:32:59,080
Speaker 2: my boyfriend is now with me.

644
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:00,680
Speaker 4: He's her.

645
00:33:01,280 --> 00:33:03,320
Speaker 2: They all hang out with their mutual group of friends

646
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:07,280
Speaker 2: together sometimes, and I've never been invited. It's not even

647
00:33:07,320 --> 00:33:09,840
Speaker 2: the ex that makes the call, so my boyfriend says,

648
00:33:09,880 --> 00:33:12,680
Speaker 2: and I trust him, but usually their mutual friends on

649
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:16,320
Speaker 2: account of the ex's feelings. One time, it was even

650
00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:19,720
Speaker 2: my boyfriend making the call, which hurt. She is constantly

651
00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,080
Speaker 2: texting him telling him what a terrible person he is

652
00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:24,440
Speaker 2: for being happy with me, trying to get him alone,

653
00:33:24,560 --> 00:33:26,960
Speaker 2: and just seemingly trying to get him to leave me

654
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:31,400
Speaker 2: for her. My boyfriend understands that I take issue with this,

655
00:33:31,560 --> 00:33:33,360
Speaker 2: but the way he looks at it is just so

656
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:36,960
Speaker 2: nonsensical to me. His logic is that she saved his

657
00:33:37,040 --> 00:33:39,280
Speaker 2: life years ago, and therefore he owes it to her

658
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:41,920
Speaker 2: to be there for her and to help her get

659
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:42,600
Speaker 2: over him.

660
00:33:42,800 --> 00:33:45,600
Speaker 1: I mean, how does that make zero sense to you?

661
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:45,800
Speaker 4: Though?

662
00:33:45,840 --> 00:33:48,240
Speaker 1: Like, let's be honest, it makes a little bit of

663
00:33:48,280 --> 00:33:51,840
Speaker 1: sense right that she if he thinks she saved his life.

664
00:33:52,160 --> 00:33:54,080
Speaker 2: I think that you can approach this in a different way.

665
00:33:54,760 --> 00:33:56,720
Speaker 2: I think that you don't have to be like you

666
00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:59,160
Speaker 2: don't know or anything. I think you need to be

667
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,520
Speaker 2: like she's I'm not gonna get over you if you

668
00:34:01,800 --> 00:34:03,840
Speaker 2: keep hanging out with her. That's not how you get

669
00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:04,520
Speaker 2: over someone.

670
00:34:04,880 --> 00:34:08,280
Speaker 1: Right, Logically, that makes yeah, puterfect sense.

671
00:34:08,440 --> 00:34:10,720
Speaker 2: I've explained that going to hang out with her isn't

672
00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:13,520
Speaker 2: doing anything about her feelings and is probably making it worse,

673
00:34:13,560 --> 00:34:15,319
Speaker 2: but he doesn't see that at all. Okay, so you

674
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:15,759
Speaker 2: did try.

675
00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:16,240
Speaker 1: Okay.

676
00:34:16,400 --> 00:34:18,239
Speaker 2: The ex has no one else to talk to about

677
00:34:18,239 --> 00:34:21,759
Speaker 2: her problems or her successes, so my boyfriend feels he

678
00:34:21,840 --> 00:34:25,319
Speaker 2: has an obligation to talk or through her issues and

679
00:34:25,440 --> 00:34:29,240
Speaker 2: be there to watch her succeed. It's weird. He doesn't

680
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:32,040
Speaker 2: understand how inappropriate is to be hanging out with his

681
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:35,680
Speaker 2: ex who still loves him, especially when they hang out

682
00:34:35,680 --> 00:34:38,480
Speaker 2: without me. It's important to note that, as far as

683
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,719
Speaker 2: I'm aware, they have never hung out just the two

684
00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,520
Speaker 2: of them at any point in our relationship. A few

685
00:34:43,520 --> 00:34:46,680
Speaker 2: months ago, I had enough. The ex was calling my

686
00:34:46,719 --> 00:34:49,360
Speaker 2: boyfriend all day, crying about how terrible it is that

687
00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:51,319
Speaker 2: he's clearly happier with me.

688
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:55,520
Speaker 1: See now that's when you go, okay, Well, I value

689
00:34:55,520 --> 00:35:01,920
Speaker 1: my current relationship more than your feelings about my current relationship,

690
00:35:02,000 --> 00:35:04,680
Speaker 1: so I can't entertain this. I can't help you.

691
00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:09,040
Speaker 2: Asking him how he can be so happy when she's

692
00:35:09,120 --> 00:35:12,359
Speaker 2: so sad, guilting him about how she was always there

693
00:35:12,400 --> 00:35:14,399
Speaker 2: for him and that he needs to be there for her.

694
00:35:15,200 --> 00:35:17,200
Speaker 2: I told my boyfriend that he needed to tell her

695
00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,839
Speaker 2: to f off and be done with it. She's manipulating him,

696
00:35:20,880 --> 00:35:25,200
Speaker 2: and it's affecting our relationship very negatively. His response was

697
00:35:25,239 --> 00:35:28,279
Speaker 2: that I have the wrong idea. She's just going through

698
00:35:28,320 --> 00:35:32,000
Speaker 2: a hard time. She's truly happy for us and really

699
00:35:32,040 --> 00:35:34,160
Speaker 2: wants to be friends with me. He told me that

700
00:35:34,239 --> 00:35:37,799
Speaker 2: she isn't smart enough to manipulate someone. Seems like two

701
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:42,160
Speaker 2: apples from two separate trees fall pretty close together. My

702
00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,560
Speaker 2: boyfriend says that the ex will go away eventually, he

703
00:35:45,640 --> 00:35:47,279
Speaker 2: just needs to put up with her and be there

704
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:51,120
Speaker 2: for her for the time being. It's like holding a leash,

705
00:35:51,880 --> 00:35:54,800
Speaker 2: uh with a dog attached to it, and like pulling

706
00:35:54,880 --> 00:35:57,440
Speaker 2: it along and be like, the dog will go away eventually.

707
00:35:57,920 --> 00:36:02,840
Speaker 1: Yeah, but it's on. You're taking the dog with you.

708
00:36:03,400 --> 00:36:05,600
Speaker 2: Cutting her off is not an option to him because

709
00:36:05,600 --> 00:36:08,120
Speaker 2: he feels it would risk their friend group. I don't

710
00:36:08,200 --> 00:36:10,439
Speaker 2: understand how he doesn't get that he needs to cut

711
00:36:10,440 --> 00:36:13,120
Speaker 2: her off. I don't want to be that controlling girlfriend

712
00:36:13,120 --> 00:36:15,600
Speaker 2: who makes her boyfriend cut off his ex. I also

713
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:18,120
Speaker 2: don't want my boyfriend to resent me for being heartless

714
00:36:18,200 --> 00:36:21,640
Speaker 2: or something. I honestly don't even know how he'd respond

715
00:36:22,080 --> 00:36:24,399
Speaker 2: the idea of cutting off someone who has been there

716
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:27,120
Speaker 2: for him through such a tough time is just a

717
00:36:27,160 --> 00:36:31,359
Speaker 2: completely foreign concept to him. He is actually bewildered at

718
00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:34,920
Speaker 2: the idea that people cut off toxic xes. What can

719
00:36:34,960 --> 00:36:38,239
Speaker 2: I do here? I love my boyfriends so much. I

720
00:36:38,280 --> 00:36:40,800
Speaker 2: want to make this work when the EX isn't a problem,

721
00:36:40,840 --> 00:36:44,440
Speaker 2: we have such an amazing relationship. However, I'm not stupid,

722
00:36:44,719 --> 00:36:46,399
Speaker 2: and I'm not going to try and force a doom

723
00:36:46,440 --> 00:36:49,840
Speaker 2: to relationship to work if that ends up being the case.

724
00:36:50,200 --> 00:36:52,960
Speaker 2: It's probably important to mention that the EX hasn't been

725
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,640
Speaker 2: a problem in about a month, and before that she

726
00:36:55,760 --> 00:36:57,520
Speaker 2: was quiet for a month and a bit as well.

727
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:01,200
Speaker 2: That said, she's not been gone. She still messages him

728
00:37:01,239 --> 00:37:04,279
Speaker 2: and such, she just hasn't been having fits or being

729
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:08,560
Speaker 2: noticeably manipulative. Obviously, I need to talk to my boyfriend

730
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:10,840
Speaker 2: about all this. But should I bring it up on

731
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:13,040
Speaker 2: my own or wait to see if the X causes

732
00:37:13,080 --> 00:37:16,960
Speaker 2: a problem again and there is an update? But what

733
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:17,359
Speaker 2: do you think?

734
00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:18,920
Speaker 1: One hundred percent? Bring it up?

735
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:19,239
Speaker 2: Yeah?

736
00:37:19,280 --> 00:37:22,480
Speaker 1: What are you talking about? Look? If yeah, I mean

737
00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,239
Speaker 1: you just take all the stuff that's outside of you

738
00:37:25,719 --> 00:37:28,920
Speaker 1: and your partner out of the equation. Take her out

739
00:37:28,920 --> 00:37:32,879
Speaker 1: of the equation. What do you want out of your partnership, right,

740
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:38,840
Speaker 1: do you want somebody who respects your relationship over relationships

741
00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:42,600
Speaker 1: or friendships with others, regardless of their context, Like, do

742
00:37:42,680 --> 00:37:44,680
Speaker 1: you feel like you need to be put above all

743
00:37:44,719 --> 00:37:47,120
Speaker 1: the others? Because if you do and he's not doing that,

744
00:37:47,360 --> 00:37:49,279
Speaker 1: then you need to have that conversation. And if he's

745
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,000
Speaker 1: not going to change his ways and not shy you feel,

746
00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:56,080
Speaker 1: then you should, you know, respectfully walk away.

747
00:37:56,280 --> 00:38:00,080
Speaker 2: Yeah. I think it's not obliviousness, you know, because you

748
00:38:00,080 --> 00:38:03,440
Speaker 2: you've had the conversations with him, You've made him aware

749
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:06,759
Speaker 2: that you're uncomfortable with this. So at this point, he's

750
00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:11,120
Speaker 2: just willfully ignoring you. Regardless of whether or not he's

751
00:38:11,160 --> 00:38:14,760
Speaker 2: oblivious to her motives doesn't really matter because he's aware

752
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:17,200
Speaker 2: of your thoughts and feelings on the situation.

753
00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:19,000
Speaker 1: That's a perfect That's a great point.

754
00:38:19,600 --> 00:38:22,319
Speaker 2: But there is an update. Hey, he read it to

755
00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:25,520
Speaker 2: summarize my original post and what has been happening. My

756
00:38:25,600 --> 00:38:28,560
Speaker 2: boyfriend and I have been together for two years and

757
00:38:28,600 --> 00:38:31,160
Speaker 2: it's the best relationship I've ever been in by a

758
00:38:31,200 --> 00:38:33,879
Speaker 2: long shot. His ex is still in his life, as

759
00:38:33,880 --> 00:38:35,759
Speaker 2: they have both been in the same friend group since

760
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:38,239
Speaker 2: they were little kids. The ex is still in love

761
00:38:38,239 --> 00:38:40,839
Speaker 2: with him and is constantly crying to him about that.

762
00:38:41,400 --> 00:38:43,680
Speaker 2: She's obviously not a fan of me for that reason,

763
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:46,320
Speaker 2: and it's led to me not being invited to events

764
00:38:46,320 --> 00:38:49,879
Speaker 2: with my boyfriend's friends if the ex is there. His

765
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:52,359
Speaker 2: ex did save his life a couple times, which I'm

766
00:38:52,440 --> 00:38:55,160
Speaker 2: very grateful for, but he now feels that he owes

767
00:38:55,160 --> 00:38:58,080
Speaker 2: her some sort of life debt and is obligated not

768
00:38:58,200 --> 00:38:59,839
Speaker 2: to make her upset.

769
00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:06,200
Speaker 1: Which is valid and very complicated, but also not something

770
00:39:06,239 --> 00:39:10,800
Speaker 1: OP has to necessarily like work through. Yeah, I agree,

771
00:39:10,840 --> 00:39:11,719
Speaker 1: that's his thing.

772
00:39:12,440 --> 00:39:15,040
Speaker 2: He spends a lot of time consoling her over the

773
00:39:15,040 --> 00:39:18,520
Speaker 2: phone when she's sad. He was totally oblivious to the issues.

774
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:20,680
Speaker 2: He doesn't believe that she's still in love with him,

775
00:39:20,719 --> 00:39:22,879
Speaker 2: and thinks that she's just clinging to him because she's

776
00:39:22,920 --> 00:39:26,560
Speaker 2: sad and lonely, and he doesn't really matter. It really

777
00:39:26,560 --> 00:39:29,920
Speaker 2: doesn't matter your partner's upset. When I would explain my

778
00:39:29,960 --> 00:39:33,000
Speaker 2: issues with the relationship, he'd be very sympathetic to me

779
00:39:33,120 --> 00:39:36,880
Speaker 2: and genuinely want to remedy the situation, but he just can't.

780
00:39:37,160 --> 00:39:39,359
Speaker 2: He just could not comprehend that she was still in

781
00:39:39,400 --> 00:39:41,479
Speaker 2: love with him, trying to make him feel bad. About

782
00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:44,680
Speaker 2: being with me and trying to get him back. It

783
00:39:44,760 --> 00:39:46,840
Speaker 2: was just ridiculous to him that she would do that

784
00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:49,920
Speaker 2: because of this. The ways he should have remedied many

785
00:39:49,920 --> 00:39:52,799
Speaker 2: of these situations just were not apparent to him at all.

786
00:39:52,960 --> 00:39:55,360
Speaker 1: Oh, he's just like is he like really just like

787
00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:57,920
Speaker 1: a little golden retriever guy. He's like, wish she wouldn't

788
00:39:57,960 --> 00:40:02,160
Speaker 1: do that. She's literally going, I hate that you're happy

789
00:40:02,200 --> 00:40:04,680
Speaker 1: with her. You should be happy with me. And he's like,

790
00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:08,399
Speaker 1: she's she's just working through it. She just she's really

791
00:40:08,440 --> 00:40:09,160
Speaker 1: happy for us.

792
00:40:09,440 --> 00:40:13,200
Speaker 2: Oh, I just don't understand. Like, I again, it really

793
00:40:13,239 --> 00:40:15,759
Speaker 2: doesn't matter if if she is in love with him

794
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,560
Speaker 2: or not. Like, that's not the problem here.

795
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:20,279
Speaker 1: It's complicated to a point, but it should get real

796
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:23,960
Speaker 1: not complicated. When your current partner goes, hey i'm hating this,

797
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:27,360
Speaker 1: I'm hating this that it should be like very clear

798
00:40:27,400 --> 00:40:28,720
Speaker 1: what you do after that. Yeah.

799
00:40:28,880 --> 00:40:31,239
Speaker 2: A while back, my boyfriend's X gave a speech for

800
00:40:31,239 --> 00:40:33,680
Speaker 2: a nonprofit that she is involved in. This is when

801
00:40:33,719 --> 00:40:35,800
Speaker 2: I found out that the nonprofit she's involved in is

802
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:40,560
Speaker 2: the same nonprom nonprofit I'm involved in. My boyfriend had

803
00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:43,360
Speaker 2: helped her write this speech after they had broken up already,

804
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,200
Speaker 2: so she really wanted him there. Naturally, her ex said

805
00:40:46,239 --> 00:40:48,879
Speaker 2: she didn't want me there. It wasn't something I would

806
00:40:48,920 --> 00:40:51,000
Speaker 2: have gone to anyway, because it was only for certain

807
00:40:51,040 --> 00:40:54,280
Speaker 2: people in the organization. When she said this, my boyfriend

808
00:40:54,280 --> 00:40:57,399
Speaker 2: told me about it because that upset him. He told

809
00:40:57,440 --> 00:40:59,520
Speaker 2: me he'd skip it if I wanted him to, but

810
00:40:59,560 --> 00:41:02,000
Speaker 2: I told him to go as he did have a

811
00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:03,880
Speaker 2: part in writing the speech and I didn't want to

812
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:07,320
Speaker 2: be controlling. Looking back, I kind of wish I asked

813
00:41:07,400 --> 00:41:10,239
Speaker 2: him not to go. My original post has some great

814
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:12,840
Speaker 2: advice come in, and my biggest takeaway is that I

815
00:41:12,880 --> 00:41:15,239
Speaker 2: need to be more assertive and show my boyfriend that

816
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:18,719
Speaker 2: his ex and the problems she brought weren't minor problems

817
00:41:18,760 --> 00:41:22,600
Speaker 2: to me, but really serious issues that he absolutely needed

818
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:24,280
Speaker 2: to address and address properly.

819
00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:25,640
Speaker 1: Oh we hadn't done that.

820
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:29,239
Speaker 2: His ex hasn't been a problem in a few months now.

821
00:41:29,440 --> 00:41:31,640
Speaker 2: She still expects him to console her, and he does

822
00:41:31,800 --> 00:41:34,160
Speaker 2: to a much lesser degree, but he is a lot

823
00:41:34,239 --> 00:41:37,239
Speaker 2: more serious about boundaries with her now and doesn't put

824
00:41:37,280 --> 00:41:39,280
Speaker 2: up with her trying to make him feel bad about

825
00:41:39,320 --> 00:41:42,480
Speaker 2: being with me or whatsoever. Shortly before I had this

826
00:41:42,560 --> 00:41:44,720
Speaker 2: talk with him. My boyfriend had gone to a party's

827
00:41:44,719 --> 00:41:48,359
Speaker 2: friend's girlfriend was hosting. The X was there and I

828
00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:53,240
Speaker 2: wasn't invited. I'm assuming due to the X. As usual,

829
00:41:53,320 --> 00:41:55,879
Speaker 2: my boyfriend was totally oblivious to why I might take

830
00:41:55,960 --> 00:41:58,520
Speaker 2: issue with that. I was really upset about it and

831
00:41:58,640 --> 00:42:01,480
Speaker 2: was planning to say something, but I never wrote it

832
00:42:01,560 --> 00:42:03,600
Speaker 2: up because after we had our talk, he told me

833
00:42:03,640 --> 00:42:06,560
Speaker 2: he'd never go to a party without inviting me again.

834
00:42:07,080 --> 00:42:09,680
Speaker 2: Now to today, I'm really not sure what to do

835
00:42:09,760 --> 00:42:12,800
Speaker 2: if this becomes an issue again. That nonprofit my boyfriend's

836
00:42:12,840 --> 00:42:15,800
Speaker 2: expe gave a speech for She actually has been honored

837
00:42:15,840 --> 00:42:18,680
Speaker 2: for it at an event next weekend. A lot of

838
00:42:18,719 --> 00:42:22,600
Speaker 2: people are being honored for different things, including myself for

839
00:42:22,680 --> 00:42:26,560
Speaker 2: a project Iran. I'm unable to go to this event unfortunately,

840
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:30,120
Speaker 2: due to a work obligation. My boyfriend wouldn't be going

841
00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:33,080
Speaker 2: because he'd need to be the guest of someone involved

842
00:42:33,080 --> 00:42:36,800
Speaker 2: in the organization. This might be me worrying over nothing,

843
00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:38,960
Speaker 2: but I really think that his ex is going to

844
00:42:39,000 --> 00:42:42,319
Speaker 2: invite him as her guest because he helped her so

845
00:42:42,840 --> 00:42:45,799
Speaker 2: much with the speech. I would be so upset if

846
00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:48,520
Speaker 2: he decided to go, but I'm not even sure if

847
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,000
Speaker 2: that's reasonable. Does it make sense for him to go

848
00:42:51,040 --> 00:42:53,360
Speaker 2: to the event when I can't to see his ex

849
00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:55,480
Speaker 2: being honored for a speech he helped write.

850
00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:56,560
Speaker 1: I don't even know.

851
00:42:56,960 --> 00:42:58,920
Speaker 2: I feel like that's a deal breaker, but I love

852
00:42:59,000 --> 00:43:01,919
Speaker 2: him so much can't bear the thought of ending things

853
00:43:01,920 --> 00:43:07,120
Speaker 2: with him. I'm just not willing to let myself be disrespected.

854
00:43:07,680 --> 00:43:09,920
Speaker 2: I'm not even sure if that's disrespectful.

855
00:43:09,960 --> 00:43:10,480
Speaker 1: Oh it is.

856
00:43:10,840 --> 00:43:12,879
Speaker 2: I think the important thing here is that he did

857
00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:16,080
Speaker 2: promise to never go to a place without inviting you.

858
00:43:16,719 --> 00:43:18,759
Speaker 2: And I don't know if he meant that in a

859
00:43:18,760 --> 00:43:21,080
Speaker 2: way of like, I will invite you and if you

860
00:43:21,080 --> 00:43:23,879
Speaker 2: can't make it, I'll still go, but at least I've

861
00:43:23,880 --> 00:43:26,799
Speaker 2: invited you, or I'll never go to a place that

862
00:43:26,960 --> 00:43:29,200
Speaker 2: you know you can't go to it. I'm not quite

863
00:43:29,200 --> 00:43:29,919
Speaker 2: sure what he meant.

864
00:43:30,320 --> 00:43:32,319
Speaker 1: Yeah, I think it really needs to But.

865
00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,080
Speaker 2: I think you need to like figure what that means

866
00:43:34,120 --> 00:43:36,759
Speaker 2: to you, Like, what do you mean that? Do you

867
00:43:36,800 --> 00:43:38,920
Speaker 2: mean that he can ever go somewhere that you can't go,

868
00:43:39,080 --> 00:43:41,719
Speaker 2: not saying that you don't. Do you mean that he

869
00:43:41,800 --> 00:43:43,960
Speaker 2: at least needs to invite you to something? Do you

870
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:45,600
Speaker 2: just not want him to go to events? What his

871
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:47,799
Speaker 2: ex is at. You have to figure out what you

872
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:50,360
Speaker 2: want and tell him that, and then if he says,

873
00:43:50,520 --> 00:43:53,279
Speaker 2: I'm gonna do it anyway, maybe you guys aren't a fit.

874
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:57,000
Speaker 1: It should be a basic principle that like your ex

875
00:43:57,080 --> 00:44:00,000
Speaker 1: girlfriend saying that I hate that you're happy with another

876
00:44:00,239 --> 00:44:03,560
Speaker 1: woman like isn't like a Oh, she's just working through

877
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:06,560
Speaker 1: some stuff. It's like she probably shouldn't be working through

878
00:44:06,560 --> 00:44:11,800
Speaker 1: it with you. The ex boyfriend my guy. So you agreed,

879
00:44:12,280 --> 00:44:15,960
Speaker 1: Let a professional take over that responsibility. It's not yours.

880
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,880
Speaker 2: Secondly, at the end of this month, one of his

881
00:44:18,920 --> 00:44:21,640
Speaker 2: friends will be having a going away party. It will

882
00:44:21,680 --> 00:44:24,040
Speaker 2: be all of his old friends there, including his ex.

883
00:44:24,600 --> 00:44:27,640
Speaker 2: My boyfriend hasn't mentioned us going. He's only mentioned the

884
00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:30,560
Speaker 2: party itself. I'm going to give him the benefit of

885
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:33,240
Speaker 2: the doubt and assume that he'll bring me, But after

886
00:44:33,280 --> 00:44:36,239
Speaker 2: being left out because of the X before, I don't

887
00:44:36,280 --> 00:44:38,799
Speaker 2: even know what if he's told by the party host

888
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,239
Speaker 2: he can't bring me, should I expect him to not go?

889
00:44:41,960 --> 00:44:42,200
Speaker 1: Yeah?

890
00:44:42,239 --> 00:44:44,960
Speaker 2: I think that if a party host is telling him

891
00:44:44,960 --> 00:44:47,720
Speaker 2: that he can't be bring his girlfriend of two years

892
00:44:47,840 --> 00:44:51,120
Speaker 2: to something that's disrespectful, why would you not Why would

893
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:51,640
Speaker 2: you even want.

894
00:44:51,560 --> 00:44:54,719
Speaker 1: To go to the party? Right? I can't imagine people

895
00:44:54,760 --> 00:44:57,720
Speaker 1: are really doing that either, I hope not. It sounds

896
00:44:57,760 --> 00:44:58,560
Speaker 1: like nonsense.

897
00:44:59,160 --> 00:45:01,560
Speaker 2: I don't want him to mis his friend's going away party,

898
00:45:01,600 --> 00:45:04,200
Speaker 2: but he promised me he always would bring me to

899
00:45:04,239 --> 00:45:07,520
Speaker 2: his friend's parties. I really really don't want this relationship

900
00:45:07,560 --> 00:45:09,719
Speaker 2: to end. I will do everything I can to make

901
00:45:09,760 --> 00:45:12,680
Speaker 2: it work, but I'm not going to deal with disrespect

902
00:45:12,800 --> 00:45:16,960
Speaker 2: and broken promises. At the same time, my boyfriend can

903
00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:20,279
Speaker 2: be so oblivious sometimes and might not even realize what

904
00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:23,040
Speaker 2: he's doing is hurting me. I also don't want to

905
00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:26,120
Speaker 2: hold him to his promises to a crazy degree. Like

906
00:45:26,160 --> 00:45:27,960
Speaker 2: if the host of the going away party says I

907
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:30,239
Speaker 2: can't come, but he has a totally valid reason that

908
00:45:30,280 --> 00:45:32,600
Speaker 2: doesn't have anything to do with the ex, would he

909
00:45:32,680 --> 00:45:33,879
Speaker 2: still be in the wrong for going?

910
00:45:34,600 --> 00:45:36,880
Speaker 1: Honestly? Yeah, I think if the host of the party says.

911
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:39,040
Speaker 2: You can't come, he would be in the wrong for

912
00:45:39,160 --> 00:45:41,440
Speaker 2: going because they're disrespecting his relationship.

913
00:45:41,520 --> 00:45:43,040
Speaker 1: Yeah, I would even want to go to that party.

914
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:45,120
Speaker 1: At some point, he would have to go. Who do

915
00:45:45,160 --> 00:45:47,880
Speaker 1: you want me or my ex? If she can't handle

916
00:45:47,960 --> 00:45:51,080
Speaker 1: the fact that I have a girlfriend that's not on

917
00:45:51,600 --> 00:45:53,560
Speaker 1: my girlfriend exactly.

918
00:45:54,160 --> 00:45:57,160
Speaker 2: How do I make sure my boyfriend is respecting boundaries

919
00:45:57,239 --> 00:45:59,720
Speaker 2: and me while making sure I don't become a crazy

920
00:45:59,760 --> 00:46:01,040
Speaker 2: girl communication.

921
00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:03,640
Speaker 1: Well, no, you've got a crazy boyfriend. You had crazy

922
00:46:03,640 --> 00:46:06,839
Speaker 1: boy That's the thing. It's why we're so worried about optics. Yeah,

923
00:46:06,960 --> 00:46:09,600
Speaker 1: forget the optics. What do you feel? What new you

924
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:12,400
Speaker 1: wont what do you feel? Just base all of it off.

925
00:46:12,280 --> 00:46:14,960
Speaker 2: Of that your boyfriend's not listening to you. He's not oblivious,

926
00:46:15,000 --> 00:46:16,400
Speaker 2: he just isn't listening.

927
00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:19,560
Speaker 1: Hey, it's sam og host. We're going to get back

928
00:46:19,560 --> 00:46:22,080
Speaker 1: to these delectable stories. But here's three minutes of ads

929
00:46:22,080 --> 00:46:23,719
Speaker 1: from our sponsors to help support the show.

930
00:46:24,400 --> 00:46:27,600
Speaker 2: I caught my husband stealing from me and his mother.

931
00:46:27,760 --> 00:46:29,520
Speaker 1: That's an overachiever right there.

932
00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:33,080
Speaker 2: There is a fair amount of important background here. Apologies

933
00:46:33,080 --> 00:46:37,759
Speaker 2: in advance. We typically have a good relationship. Occasionally heated discussions,

934
00:46:37,760 --> 00:46:41,080
Speaker 2: but never any yelling, hitting, profanity, et cetera. We make

935
00:46:41,160 --> 00:46:44,200
Speaker 2: up fast and the good times are really good. We

936
00:46:44,239 --> 00:46:46,879
Speaker 2: had agreed that we would start trying to conceive at

937
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:49,120
Speaker 2: the first of this year, and wanted to get pregnant

938
00:46:49,160 --> 00:46:52,919
Speaker 2: asap to take advantage of an insurance situation. By the way,

939
00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:55,719
Speaker 2: this comes from don't want to throw them away and

940
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:57,440
Speaker 2: if you want to sumit your own stories, go to

941
00:46:57,480 --> 00:47:01,360
Speaker 2: the r slash Okay storytime supread it. So we both

942
00:47:01,400 --> 00:47:04,680
Speaker 2: have ADHD, both medicated for it. He is maxed out

943
00:47:04,680 --> 00:47:06,840
Speaker 2: on his meds and they help him a lot, but

944
00:47:07,000 --> 00:47:10,960
Speaker 2: he still has frequent trouble with forgetfulness and impulsive decisions.

945
00:47:11,520 --> 00:47:14,560
Speaker 2: Mine now probably ninety percent with my focus and impulsivity,

946
00:47:15,000 --> 00:47:18,120
Speaker 2: but I still struggle occasionally. I work as a mental

947
00:47:18,160 --> 00:47:21,640
Speaker 2: health professional, yes ironic. He has a BA, but not

948
00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:24,400
Speaker 2: in a marketable field. He is in a low paying

949
00:47:24,520 --> 00:47:27,520
Speaker 2: job that only requires a high school diploma. We both

950
00:47:27,560 --> 00:47:30,480
Speaker 2: feel more comfortable with him being the financial provider and

951
00:47:30,520 --> 00:47:33,120
Speaker 2: me working very part time when we have little kids,

952
00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,640
Speaker 2: but this isn't looking like an option. We have lived

953
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:39,360
Speaker 2: with his parents for two years, paying a very tiny

954
00:47:39,400 --> 00:47:41,960
Speaker 2: amount of rents. I was making good money, so I

955
00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:44,800
Speaker 2: wasn't out of necessity, but it's better for his parents

956
00:47:44,880 --> 00:47:47,480
Speaker 2: to have someone staying with them, and it's letting us

957
00:47:47,480 --> 00:47:50,600
Speaker 2: save a lot. My job was overly stressful, so several

958
00:47:50,640 --> 00:47:53,200
Speaker 2: months ago I changed to a part time position where

959
00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:56,319
Speaker 2: I am far happier but making a lot less. He

960
00:47:56,440 --> 00:47:59,080
Speaker 2: doesn't make enough to support us by himself, even with

961
00:47:59,360 --> 00:48:02,840
Speaker 2: near zero rent. With my decreased income, we arranged the

962
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,759
Speaker 2: budget so we would still be able to save a

963
00:48:04,760 --> 00:48:08,000
Speaker 2: little every month. We make all budgeting decisions together, with

964
00:48:08,080 --> 00:48:10,880
Speaker 2: each of us getting equal. Say, we each get twenty

965
00:48:10,880 --> 00:48:13,719
Speaker 2: five dollars per month spending money transferred from our joint

966
00:48:13,719 --> 00:48:16,399
Speaker 2: account to a personal debit card that the other doesn't

967
00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:18,440
Speaker 2: have access to. We each have a credit card that

968
00:48:18,520 --> 00:48:21,719
Speaker 2: is for gas and vehicle expenses only. We pay these

969
00:48:21,760 --> 00:48:24,440
Speaker 2: off monthly with the joint account and use them to

970
00:48:24,600 --> 00:48:27,960
Speaker 2: maintain good credit. We have financial plans for once the

971
00:48:27,960 --> 00:48:31,760
Speaker 2: baby arrives, mostly me continuing to increase my salary at work,

972
00:48:32,239 --> 00:48:35,600
Speaker 2: tons of very realistic room for growth. Wait, your financial

973
00:48:35,680 --> 00:48:38,360
Speaker 2: plans for the baby arrived. For when the baby arrives

974
00:48:38,480 --> 00:48:41,240
Speaker 2: is just that you'll get a raise. When we got married,

975
00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:43,480
Speaker 2: he had about two K credit card debt, which I

976
00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,680
Speaker 2: paid off with my savings, and we had talks about

977
00:48:46,719 --> 00:48:49,960
Speaker 2: not having credit card debt. He seemed sincere, but started

978
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:51,720
Speaker 2: running a balance on his card again.

979
00:48:51,840 --> 00:48:52,480
Speaker 1: Immediately.

980
00:48:52,880 --> 00:48:54,960
Speaker 2: I asked to look at a statement to make sure

981
00:48:54,960 --> 00:48:57,960
Speaker 2: it was paid off properly from my savings. And found out.

982
00:48:58,560 --> 00:48:59,719
Speaker 2: I told him I knew, and.

983
00:48:59,719 --> 00:49:00,960
Speaker 1: He felt really bad.

984
00:49:01,560 --> 00:49:04,040
Speaker 2: I monitored the card for several months that he was

985
00:49:04,080 --> 00:49:06,680
Speaker 2: just using it for gas. From then on, I continued

986
00:49:06,760 --> 00:49:09,920
Speaker 2: asking every month if he was running a balance, and

987
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:14,400
Speaker 2: he confidently said nope every time, including just recently. But

988
00:49:14,480 --> 00:49:16,759
Speaker 2: I didn't check the statement again. We had a fight

989
00:49:16,840 --> 00:49:18,520
Speaker 2: last week when he was asked to go on a

990
00:49:18,520 --> 00:49:21,880
Speaker 2: month long work trip and accepted without consulting me. He

991
00:49:21,960 --> 00:49:24,480
Speaker 2: said he had checked the calendar for any major commitments

992
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:27,240
Speaker 2: and didn't see any, so he figured it would be okay.

993
00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:30,440
Speaker 2: He also said he felt bad about temporarily forgetting we

994
00:49:30,440 --> 00:49:33,600
Speaker 2: were supposed to be having scheduled spicy sleep and if

995
00:49:33,600 --> 00:49:35,800
Speaker 2: that had been on the calendar, he wouldn't have accept

996
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:40,759
Speaker 2: I was upset about him forgetting about baby making, and

997
00:49:40,880 --> 00:49:43,880
Speaker 2: also about being a part being away that long. The

998
00:49:43,920 --> 00:49:47,080
Speaker 2: longest we've been apart since we started dating is four days.

999
00:49:47,400 --> 00:49:50,160
Speaker 2: My love language is quality time and his touch, so

1000
00:49:50,280 --> 00:49:53,320
Speaker 2: time apart would be an issue for us. After discussing

1001
00:49:53,320 --> 00:49:55,000
Speaker 2: how upset I was that he had agreed to it

1002
00:49:55,040 --> 00:49:58,640
Speaker 2: without contacting me first and discussing the impact on baby making,

1003
00:49:59,000 --> 00:50:02,319
Speaker 2: he contacted his b to cancel During this discussion, I

1004
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,480
Speaker 2: asked if he was trying to get away from me,

1005
00:50:05,040 --> 00:50:08,239
Speaker 2: like a temporary separation, and he said the thought had

1006
00:50:08,239 --> 00:50:11,360
Speaker 2: crossed his mind because he has been feeling very defensive

1007
00:50:11,360 --> 00:50:14,640
Speaker 2: about being a good financial provider. We discuss finances about

1008
00:50:14,680 --> 00:50:17,759
Speaker 2: two times a month, usually very calmly, just things like

1009
00:50:18,160 --> 00:50:20,920
Speaker 2: how should I categorize this purchase, honey, and we're a

1010
00:50:20,960 --> 00:50:23,959
Speaker 2: little over budget with groceries, let's watch that closer this week,

1011
00:50:24,280 --> 00:50:26,440
Speaker 2: he said he didn't feel it would be healthy to

1012
00:50:26,560 --> 00:50:29,040
Speaker 2: discuss it less than we do, but the talks have

1013
00:50:29,120 --> 00:50:31,919
Speaker 2: been guilt inducing and he thought some time apart would

1014
00:50:31,920 --> 00:50:33,920
Speaker 2: give him a break from having to face the guilt.

1015
00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:36,120
Speaker 2: I asked if there was a way I could be

1016
00:50:36,239 --> 00:50:39,680
Speaker 2: less guilt inducing when we discuss finances, and he said no.

1017
00:50:40,280 --> 00:50:42,680
Speaker 2: He actually said we probably need to talk about it more,

1018
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:44,719
Speaker 2: and he just needs to bite the bullet and work

1019
00:50:44,760 --> 00:50:47,120
Speaker 2: harder on getting a better job to reduce his guilt.

1020
00:50:47,480 --> 00:50:48,319
Speaker 1: We made up and.

1021
00:50:48,239 --> 00:50:50,120
Speaker 2: Talked about whether we should still be going for a

1022
00:50:50,160 --> 00:50:53,040
Speaker 2: baby with him feeling guilty and defensive lately, and decided

1023
00:50:53,080 --> 00:50:56,759
Speaker 2: we would continue to address the defensiveness issue but go

1024
00:50:56,840 --> 00:50:59,720
Speaker 2: ahead with spicy sleep. The next day, his boss asked

1025
00:50:59,760 --> 00:51:01,799
Speaker 2: if he could go if he flew him home for

1026
00:51:01,840 --> 00:51:04,160
Speaker 2: two days in the middle of the month. He agreed

1027
00:51:04,239 --> 00:51:07,120
Speaker 2: without consulting me. I was kind of upset since we

1028
00:51:07,160 --> 00:51:10,120
Speaker 2: had just talked about making decisions about long trips together.

1029
00:51:10,280 --> 00:51:15,520
Speaker 2: Plus this was still impact baby making. He apologized again,

1030
00:51:15,680 --> 00:51:17,880
Speaker 2: said he was feeling pressured to give his boss an

1031
00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:20,719
Speaker 2: answer night right then and be a good employee, and

1032
00:51:20,800 --> 00:51:23,720
Speaker 2: he felt bad about making an impulsive judgment that he felt,

1033
00:51:23,719 --> 00:51:26,799
Speaker 2: in hindsight, was not the right decision. We decided that

1034
00:51:26,880 --> 00:51:29,319
Speaker 2: rather than cancel a second time, he should just go.

1035
00:51:29,760 --> 00:51:32,760
Speaker 2: He leaves in a couple of weeks. I was angry,

1036
00:51:32,840 --> 00:51:35,319
Speaker 2: but I got over it. Yesterday I was going over

1037
00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:37,799
Speaker 2: our spending trends for twenty thirteen to see if we

1038
00:51:37,840 --> 00:51:41,440
Speaker 2: needed to adjust budget categories for twenty fourteen, and there

1039
00:51:41,520 --> 00:51:44,080
Speaker 2: was a small thing that didn't quite add up. Regarding

1040
00:51:44,080 --> 00:51:46,800
Speaker 2: his credit card, He's been putting a lot of money

1041
00:51:46,800 --> 00:51:49,680
Speaker 2: towards paying it off every month, and I've been asking

1042
00:51:49,719 --> 00:51:54,920
Speaker 2: about every other month why his car expenses are so high.

1043
00:51:55,840 --> 00:51:59,080
Speaker 1: Uh, oh, his baby is already his car.

1044
00:51:59,520 --> 00:52:01,799
Speaker 2: I feel like an idiot. He's been saying things like

1045
00:52:01,920 --> 00:52:03,759
Speaker 2: I needed a new battery, but the one I got

1046
00:52:03,840 --> 00:52:05,600
Speaker 2: didn't work and they wouldn't let me return it, so

1047
00:52:05,640 --> 00:52:08,200
Speaker 2: I had to get a second one. And my car

1048
00:52:08,239 --> 00:52:10,480
Speaker 2: mileage has been really low for a while. I'm not

1049
00:52:10,520 --> 00:52:14,160
Speaker 2: sure why. I'll look into it though, and others somewhat

1050
00:52:14,239 --> 00:52:18,520
Speaker 2: plausible sounding excuses. I feel like he's not actually spending

1051
00:52:18,600 --> 00:52:19,319
Speaker 2: money on his car.

1052
00:52:19,520 --> 00:52:22,960
Speaker 1: That was That last one is not a very plausible excuse. Yeah,

1053
00:52:23,000 --> 00:52:26,000
Speaker 1: so the mileage on my car has been low recently?

1054
00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:28,879
Speaker 1: What does that mean? Are you saying your odometers brought

1055
00:52:28,960 --> 00:52:32,880
Speaker 1: like the most reliable part on basically any car ever made.

1056
00:52:33,239 --> 00:52:34,160
Speaker 4: I don't know what that means.

1057
00:52:34,200 --> 00:52:36,000
Speaker 1: He's not working right what?

1058
00:52:36,120 --> 00:52:38,400
Speaker 2: I just don't understand what he's implying there, Like is

1059
00:52:38,400 --> 00:52:40,279
Speaker 2: he getting money easy paid?

1060
00:52:40,360 --> 00:52:42,359
Speaker 1: I don't know. That's what I'm saying. It's like it's

1061
00:52:42,440 --> 00:52:44,680
Speaker 1: plausible sounding. It's like, well, it's possible sounding because it

1062
00:52:44,719 --> 00:52:47,480
Speaker 1: sounds like maybe you don't know anything about that. Like, uh,

1063
00:52:47,920 --> 00:52:51,440
Speaker 1: someone a surgeon could tell me that something that sounds

1064
00:52:51,480 --> 00:52:54,640
Speaker 1: plausible about kidney surgery, and I wouldn't know because I'm

1065
00:52:54,640 --> 00:52:55,800
Speaker 1: not a kidney surgeon.

1066
00:52:56,040 --> 00:52:57,239
Speaker 4: That's true, he's not.

1067
00:52:57,680 --> 00:53:00,680
Speaker 2: In reality, he's putting about five hundred and fififty dollars

1068
00:53:00,680 --> 00:53:05,480
Speaker 2: of personal spending, mostly fast food and other small impulse

1069
00:53:05,520 --> 00:53:08,960
Speaker 2: buys on his car expenses credit card. In addition to

1070
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:12,560
Speaker 2: car expenses, he's paying only a fraction of the balance

1071
00:53:12,640 --> 00:53:14,880
Speaker 2: every month from the joint account, and that still is

1072
00:53:14,920 --> 00:53:17,719
Speaker 2: a lot of money compared to his actual car expenses.

1073
00:53:18,200 --> 00:53:21,080
Speaker 2: He's also carrying a balance each month. He's also taking

1074
00:53:21,120 --> 00:53:24,600
Speaker 2: money from his mom's account to pay down the balance,

1075
00:53:25,000 --> 00:53:30,120
Speaker 2: hundreds of dollars each month. He had the accounts linked

1076
00:53:30,160 --> 00:53:32,840
Speaker 2: many years ago for some reason, like she was making

1077
00:53:32,840 --> 00:53:35,279
Speaker 2: payments through his account for his tuition or something, and

1078
00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:38,160
Speaker 2: he's taking full advantage. He said, he's been doing it

1079
00:53:38,239 --> 00:53:41,839
Speaker 2: for years, and he doesn't think she knows she has

1080
00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:45,720
Speaker 2: severe untreated ADHD and her entire life is a massive

1081
00:53:45,800 --> 00:53:50,920
Speaker 2: disorganized mess. So that's actually plausible. Oof oof, What about the.

1082
00:53:50,960 --> 00:53:55,960
Speaker 1: Dad, does he not? Dad is a rocket scientist engineer

1083
00:53:56,360 --> 00:54:01,400
Speaker 1: at the JPL Laboratory. I mean, I understood laboratory laboratory.

1084
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:05,719
Speaker 2: Yeah, I understand that if she has like untreated ADHD,

1085
00:54:05,880 --> 00:54:08,160
Speaker 2: like it probably is very hard for her to manage

1086
00:54:08,200 --> 00:54:12,799
Speaker 2: money and stuff. But my advice for her now would

1087
00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:16,560
Speaker 2: be that instead of you know, losing hundreds of dollars

1088
00:54:16,560 --> 00:54:19,640
Speaker 2: from your son every month. Let's pay that a little bit,

1089
00:54:20,200 --> 00:54:23,440
Speaker 2: you know, a little bit of money to a financial advisor,

1090
00:54:23,640 --> 00:54:25,800
Speaker 2: someone to manage that money or something.

1091
00:54:26,120 --> 00:54:28,600
Speaker 1: Nah Man, just keep raw dog in reality.

1092
00:54:28,320 --> 00:54:31,759
Speaker 2: Because because you're spending that money anyway, might as well

1093
00:54:31,840 --> 00:54:33,000
Speaker 2: have someone else's manage it.

1094
00:54:33,080 --> 00:54:34,760
Speaker 1: She's two folks, She's making millions.

1095
00:54:34,920 --> 00:54:37,640
Speaker 2: His parents aren't very well off financially, though they aren't

1096
00:54:37,680 --> 00:54:41,160
Speaker 2: exactly impoverished either, and I feel sick about how this

1097
00:54:41,239 --> 00:54:44,600
Speaker 2: must be impacting their ability to pay their mortgage, especially

1098
00:54:44,640 --> 00:54:47,600
Speaker 2: since we are living here for almost free. He printed

1099
00:54:47,600 --> 00:54:49,880
Speaker 2: off credit card statements for me at my request, but

1100
00:54:49,920 --> 00:54:52,479
Speaker 2: the website only is thirteen months worth, so I don't

1101
00:54:52,480 --> 00:54:55,040
Speaker 2: know how much he took from her, but I'm estimating

1102
00:54:55,239 --> 00:54:58,319
Speaker 2: ten K plus three K of overpayments from the joint

1103
00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:01,360
Speaker 2: account for fake car expense. So we talked about it

1104
00:55:01,440 --> 00:55:04,040
Speaker 2: last night, and he gave me all sorts of excuses,

1105
00:55:04,040 --> 00:55:07,400
Speaker 2: including a lot of places don't take debit cards so

1106
00:55:07,480 --> 00:55:09,920
Speaker 2: I can't use the joint account. There were some other

1107
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:14,200
Speaker 2: discrepancies too, like he got paper paychecks for a month recently.

1108
00:55:14,280 --> 00:55:16,200
Speaker 2: He had told me it was an HR error at

1109
00:55:16,239 --> 00:55:19,840
Speaker 2: work and deposited them to his personal account, then forgot

1110
00:55:19,880 --> 00:55:22,319
Speaker 2: about it until I asked if he knew why he

1111
00:55:22,360 --> 00:55:24,919
Speaker 2: hadn't been paid that month. He told me he would

1112
00:55:24,920 --> 00:55:27,120
Speaker 2: transfer the money to the joint account, and he did,

1113
00:55:27,880 --> 00:55:31,440
Speaker 2: minus about two hundred dollars. There's also a bank deposit

1114
00:55:31,520 --> 00:55:34,600
Speaker 2: of one K to his personal account in August, and

1115
00:55:34,680 --> 00:55:37,000
Speaker 2: I have no idea where that could have come from.

1116
00:55:37,080 --> 00:55:40,520
Speaker 2: He says he can't remember. I asked for an apology,

1117
00:55:40,600 --> 00:55:44,040
Speaker 2: and he had trouble sounding sincere. He did say he

1118
00:55:44,080 --> 00:55:46,719
Speaker 2: doesn't want to face the problem. What do I do now?

1119
00:55:46,760 --> 00:55:48,640
Speaker 2: I'm going to sit down with him and his mom

1120
00:55:48,680 --> 00:55:51,560
Speaker 2: today so he can explain the situation. I do love

1121
00:55:51,600 --> 00:55:54,080
Speaker 2: him a lot. I want to stay with him. It's

1122
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:56,800
Speaker 2: like he's living a double life. He's sweet and kind

1123
00:55:56,880 --> 00:55:59,480
Speaker 2: and a very good partner in most ways. I would

1124
00:55:59,520 --> 00:56:02,160
Speaker 2: never have guessed he would steal from his mom or

1125
00:56:02,200 --> 00:56:05,799
Speaker 2: from our joint account. Edit. To be perfectly clear, we

1126
00:56:05,800 --> 00:56:09,760
Speaker 2: were trying for a baby, past tense that ended yesterday

1127
00:56:09,800 --> 00:56:12,440
Speaker 2: when I discovered the situation. Edit again to those who

1128
00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:15,520
Speaker 2: are concerned about our financial ability to have a child.

1129
00:56:15,760 --> 00:56:19,720
Speaker 2: Before I discovered this problem, we had fifty five thousand

1130
00:56:19,840 --> 00:56:22,239
Speaker 2: in very liquid investments from when I was at my

1131
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:25,279
Speaker 2: last job and a goal to add at least a

1132
00:56:25,360 --> 00:56:28,440
Speaker 2: tiny bit to that number every month rather than taking

1133
00:56:28,440 --> 00:56:31,239
Speaker 2: away from it. Then we have that amount again in

1134
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:33,840
Speaker 2: less liquid investments that are set for our retirement, so

1135
00:56:33,880 --> 00:56:35,880
Speaker 2: we wouldn't be screwing ourselves too badly if we had

1136
00:56:35,920 --> 00:56:36,719
Speaker 2: to withdraw.

1137
00:56:36,440 --> 00:56:38,480
Speaker 1: Some from the liquid investments. What are they?

1138
00:56:39,040 --> 00:56:39,320
Speaker 2: Okay?

1139
00:56:39,360 --> 00:56:40,600
Speaker 1: Okay, I just want.

1140
00:56:40,480 --> 00:56:43,080
Speaker 2: Because what is she's trying to say?

1141
00:56:43,560 --> 00:56:46,600
Speaker 1: Is she trying to say that, like, well, whatever a

1142
00:56:46,680 --> 00:56:51,200
Speaker 1: liquid investment is, it's not cash, a newsp exactly. Brand

1143
00:56:51,360 --> 00:56:54,879
Speaker 1: is maybe one year of baby time? Maybe maybe you've

1144
00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:56,080
Speaker 1: got one year of baby time.

1145
00:56:56,320 --> 00:56:59,319
Speaker 2: I'm like, she's like, we have very liquid investments, which

1146
00:56:59,360 --> 00:57:01,799
Speaker 2: doesn't to me, and I could be wrong. Sound like

1147
00:57:01,880 --> 00:57:06,560
Speaker 2: you have stuff in your bank account that doesn't sound

1148
00:57:06,680 --> 00:57:10,719
Speaker 2: like that to me? So what Actually, no, No, I'm

1149
00:57:10,920 --> 00:57:12,480
Speaker 2: we're very liquid right now.

1150
00:57:12,520 --> 00:57:15,359
Speaker 1: We're very liquid, which if you have to liquidate all

1151
00:57:15,400 --> 00:57:18,520
Speaker 1: of your investments to have the kid also not good.

1152
00:57:19,000 --> 00:57:20,280
Speaker 1: Not good.

1153
00:57:20,360 --> 00:57:22,840
Speaker 2: I also have the ability to scale up my hours

1154
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:26,120
Speaker 2: and income easily if necessary. Plus most of my current

1155
00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:29,400
Speaker 2: income goes towards investments and never reaches our monthly budget.

1156
00:57:29,520 --> 00:57:32,320
Speaker 2: This was dear husband's idea. So he is the breadmaker.

1157
00:57:33,360 --> 00:57:37,280
Speaker 1: He's not. He's not don't even know the right term

1158
00:57:37,400 --> 00:57:37,760
Speaker 1: for it.

1159
00:57:37,840 --> 00:57:41,000
Speaker 2: Literally, sob he's like, yeah, it was his idea to

1160
00:57:41,080 --> 00:57:43,960
Speaker 2: put our money into into investments.

1161
00:57:44,000 --> 00:57:45,240
Speaker 1: So he's the breadmaker.

1162
00:57:45,840 --> 00:57:48,400
Speaker 2: If I tell Dakota to put his money into stocks,

1163
00:57:48,440 --> 00:57:51,360
Speaker 2: I'm not his breadmaker. I just had an idea.

1164
00:57:51,680 --> 00:57:52,800
Speaker 1: She's my bread advisor.

1165
00:57:52,960 --> 00:57:55,280
Speaker 2: Yeah it was bread. I'm like, you should put some

1166
00:57:55,400 --> 00:57:56,720
Speaker 2: yeast in that.

1167
00:57:56,720 --> 00:58:00,680
Speaker 1: That's maybe that's what you should know. You are the

1168
00:58:00,720 --> 00:58:03,280
Speaker 1: don advisor, and then I'm the bread maker. You're I

1169
00:58:03,360 --> 00:58:06,200
Speaker 1: make my bread with the dough she advised me on making.

1170
00:58:07,040 --> 00:58:09,560
Speaker 2: And we live mostly off of his income. The low

1171
00:58:09,600 --> 00:58:12,440
Speaker 2: amount for monthly personal spending was husband's idea and is

1172
00:58:12,480 --> 00:58:15,440
Speaker 2: not strictly necessary, but it is wise if we want

1173
00:58:15,480 --> 00:58:17,600
Speaker 2: to spend less than we earn, not counting the parts

1174
00:58:17,600 --> 00:58:20,360
Speaker 2: of my income going directly into investments. He actually wanted

1175
00:58:20,440 --> 00:58:23,439
Speaker 2: to drop the spending allowance even further, but I didn't

1176
00:58:23,440 --> 00:58:26,040
Speaker 2: think that was realistic. If you want more details on

1177
00:58:26,080 --> 00:58:30,120
Speaker 2: savings versus investments versus spending, there's a comment below. Search

1178
00:58:30,240 --> 00:58:32,959
Speaker 2: for a one game comment. One I read this whole

1179
00:58:32,960 --> 00:58:35,440
Speaker 2: thing and one thing that really jumps out is how

1180
00:58:35,480 --> 00:58:38,360
Speaker 2: you run your husband's life him. You make the plans,

1181
00:58:38,400 --> 00:58:40,240
Speaker 2: you organize the data, You tell him whether or not

1182
00:58:40,320 --> 00:58:42,840
Speaker 2: he's allowed to travel. He agrees to your plans, which

1183
00:58:43,480 --> 00:58:45,880
Speaker 2: which sort of gives the illusion that he is part

1184
00:58:45,920 --> 00:58:49,640
Speaker 2: of the decision making process. In actuality, he is too

1185
00:58:49,640 --> 00:58:52,480
Speaker 2: crippled by his issues to run his own life. Even

1186
00:58:52,600 --> 00:58:55,400
Speaker 2: talking about the budget of vital activities stresses him out,

1187
00:58:55,440 --> 00:58:57,680
Speaker 2: so he's been needling you to discuss it less I

1188
00:58:57,720 --> 00:58:59,960
Speaker 2: expect he's been telling you anything you want to hear

1189
00:59:00,200 --> 00:59:03,919
Speaker 2: budget talks just to get the stressful conversation to end.

1190
00:59:04,440 --> 00:59:06,400
Speaker 2: Then behind your back and he does whatever he can

1191
00:59:06,400 --> 00:59:10,920
Speaker 2: get away with promises be dinged. It is a very

1192
00:59:11,040 --> 00:59:15,040
Speaker 2: mother to naughty child type relationship. He is testing boundaries

1193
00:59:15,080 --> 00:59:17,560
Speaker 2: like a kid, instead of being on your team like

1194
00:59:17,600 --> 00:59:20,680
Speaker 2: a husband, putting aside the control dynamic and looking at

1195
00:59:20,680 --> 00:59:23,560
Speaker 2: the main issue. His behavior is appalling. He is a

1196
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:25,720
Speaker 2: thirty year old man who still lives with his parents,

1197
00:59:25,800 --> 00:59:28,640
Speaker 2: works at a job a teenager could do, and steals

1198
00:59:28,640 --> 00:59:31,840
Speaker 2: from his struggling mother and hard working wife. Your respect

1199
00:59:31,880 --> 00:59:34,600
Speaker 2: for him must have totally collapsed. How could you bring

1200
00:59:34,680 --> 00:59:36,800
Speaker 2: him around your family and be proud to say this

1201
00:59:36,960 --> 00:59:40,000
Speaker 2: is my husband. How could a child of yours be

1202
00:59:40,040 --> 00:59:43,480
Speaker 2: proud of that? This is my dad, This person is

1203
00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:46,960
Speaker 2: worthy of your contempt. And contempt is the death knell

1204
00:59:47,040 --> 00:59:47,720
Speaker 2: of a marriage.

1205
00:59:47,800 --> 00:59:48,040
Speaker 1: Will.

1206
00:59:48,560 --> 00:59:51,800
Speaker 2: According to research, it is the number one predictor of divorce.

1207
00:59:52,040 --> 00:59:54,040
Speaker 2: You can throw a few more years down the tubes

1208
00:59:54,080 --> 00:59:56,800
Speaker 2: trying to perform him, but it's not gonna work. Change

1209
00:59:56,800 --> 00:59:59,720
Speaker 2: comes from within, and I don't sense anything impressive within

1210
00:59:59,800 --> 01:00:02,040
Speaker 2: this loser. Good call on having him talk with his

1211
01:00:02,120 --> 01:00:04,800
Speaker 2: mother this evening. If he doesn't fake a heart attack

1212
01:00:04,880 --> 01:00:06,880
Speaker 2: or something to get out of it, you could end

1213
01:00:06,960 --> 01:00:10,800
Speaker 2: up being framed to take the blame for all the theft. Ope,

1214
01:00:10,800 --> 01:00:13,240
Speaker 2: he says, I'm aware this is not normal for someone

1215
01:00:13,240 --> 01:00:16,360
Speaker 2: with ADHD. I do think the disorder hampers his follow

1216
01:00:16,440 --> 01:00:20,280
Speaker 2: through and an impulse control, but it certainly doesn't explain

1217
01:00:20,320 --> 01:00:24,360
Speaker 2: the lying and stealing, especially over the course of multiple years. Reply,

1218
01:00:24,640 --> 01:00:27,200
Speaker 2: he's a grown man. If he hasn't learned impulse control

1219
01:00:27,240 --> 01:00:30,240
Speaker 2: at this point, he never will. My husband has to

1220
01:00:30,240 --> 01:00:33,840
Speaker 2: take meds for his ADHD because otherwise the workday is

1221
01:00:33,960 --> 01:00:36,440
Speaker 2: very difficult for him. But he learned to control his

1222
01:00:36,480 --> 01:00:39,439
Speaker 2: impulses a long effing time ago. My eight year old

1223
01:00:39,480 --> 01:00:43,600
Speaker 2: with ADHD, however has impulse issues because she's a child.

1224
01:00:43,840 --> 01:00:46,280
Speaker 2: And there is an update folks, but uh, do you

1225
01:00:46,280 --> 01:00:48,120
Speaker 2: have any thoughts before we get into that.

1226
01:00:48,400 --> 01:00:52,760
Speaker 3: I think it's weird that clearly, like these are both

1227
01:00:52,800 --> 01:00:57,040
Speaker 3: people with ADHD and it seems like his treatment regimen

1228
01:00:57,160 --> 01:01:00,720
Speaker 3: is just like not really effective for him and there

1229
01:01:00,800 --> 01:01:03,520
Speaker 3: and everyone's completely ignoring that.

1230
01:01:03,800 --> 01:01:06,320
Speaker 5: I was thinking that too, because I'm like, if he

1231
01:01:06,480 --> 01:01:09,880
Speaker 5: is medicated and is still acting this way, like still's

1232
01:01:09,920 --> 01:01:13,919
Speaker 5: impulse like severe impulse issues, and you know, is this

1233
01:01:14,240 --> 01:01:16,720
Speaker 5: I'm not obviously not a doctor, but is this the

1234
01:01:16,840 --> 01:01:19,240
Speaker 5: right you know, path for him?

1235
01:01:19,480 --> 01:01:22,280
Speaker 1: It would say not if it's not effective at all.

1236
01:01:22,520 --> 01:01:25,360
Speaker 1: You're like, doctor, I'm taking this medicine and my problems

1237
01:01:25,360 --> 01:01:29,720
Speaker 1: are the same. Well, okay, yeah, I'll take more medicine.

1238
01:01:29,760 --> 01:01:32,640
Speaker 2: Loser, I'm wondering because it said like he's at the

1239
01:01:32,680 --> 01:01:36,120
Speaker 2: max or something, so look like I don't know, you know,

1240
01:01:36,200 --> 01:01:39,080
Speaker 2: maybe he can't legally be given anymore.

1241
01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:43,200
Speaker 1: Yeah, It's just it's weird. It's like it's like, yeah,

1242
01:01:43,320 --> 01:01:45,760
Speaker 1: my eight year old child also has it or like

1243
01:01:45,960 --> 01:01:48,320
Speaker 1: and they're also you know, but they're a child, and

1244
01:01:48,360 --> 01:01:50,600
Speaker 1: it's like, but like, if you still have it as

1245
01:01:50,600 --> 01:01:54,960
Speaker 1: an adult and still affect you the same ways. So

1246
01:01:55,600 --> 01:01:59,560
Speaker 1: I don't know, this is just ridiculous. Yeah, and it

1247
01:01:59,560 --> 01:02:03,000
Speaker 1: shouldn't even be a question of like how do I

1248
01:02:03,120 --> 01:02:05,360
Speaker 1: fix him or like where do I. It's like as

1249
01:02:05,400 --> 01:02:07,640
Speaker 1: soon as you're like, oh, you're just like stealing from

1250
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:10,600
Speaker 1: me and your mom and you're mom thirty years old,

1251
01:02:11,320 --> 01:02:14,320
Speaker 1: Bye bye. This is like I'm trying to think timeline

1252
01:02:14,320 --> 01:02:17,520
Speaker 1: because this is like twenty thirteen, fourteen, it is. Yeah,

1253
01:02:17,600 --> 01:02:21,280
Speaker 1: and so this guy was probably like stealing money from

1254
01:02:21,280 --> 01:02:23,440
Speaker 1: his mom to go to the mall, and he's like

1255
01:02:23,680 --> 01:02:27,840
Speaker 1: never grown out of that, sneaking money from his mom

1256
01:02:27,960 --> 01:02:30,880
Speaker 1: to go, you know, to go to the mall by pretzels. Anyway,

1257
01:02:30,880 --> 01:02:32,240
Speaker 1: there's an update hold his mom.

1258
01:02:32,480 --> 01:02:36,360
Speaker 2: She basically didn't care and said her own finances are

1259
01:02:36,400 --> 01:02:40,280
Speaker 2: a mess and she has a spending problem, so she understands.

1260
01:02:40,520 --> 01:02:43,000
Speaker 2: She specifically said she didn't want to know how much

1261
01:02:43,040 --> 01:02:44,960
Speaker 2: he took and she didn't want him to pay her back.

1262
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:48,200
Speaker 2: I had to scrape my jaw off the floor. She's Mormon,

1263
01:02:48,240 --> 01:02:50,600
Speaker 2: and she hasn't been paying tithing, which is a big

1264
01:02:50,640 --> 01:02:53,120
Speaker 2: deal to Mormons, and apparently she's lying to the church

1265
01:02:53,120 --> 01:02:56,640
Speaker 2: about it. I thought, maybe she's struggling to tithe because

1266
01:02:56,680 --> 01:02:59,440
Speaker 2: her son is taking her money. But she showed me

1267
01:02:59,480 --> 01:03:02,360
Speaker 2: her checking account and the problems are far larger than

1268
01:03:02,400 --> 01:03:04,320
Speaker 2: what he's taking. So it seemed to be a reaction

1269
01:03:04,400 --> 01:03:07,400
Speaker 2: of we all have money issues, we all lie about them.

1270
01:03:07,440 --> 01:03:08,200
Speaker 1: Who cares?

1271
01:03:08,440 --> 01:03:10,800
Speaker 2: And by the way, please don't tell me details. This

1272
01:03:11,000 --> 01:03:14,760
Speaker 2: was so not okay with me. My therapist feels pretty

1273
01:03:14,760 --> 01:03:17,600
Speaker 2: strongly that it's a combination of a family culture of

1274
01:03:17,720 --> 01:03:20,480
Speaker 2: if we don't talk or if we lie about financial problems,

1275
01:03:20,480 --> 01:03:24,240
Speaker 2: they go away, and an ethnic culture. Hispanic of family

1276
01:03:24,280 --> 01:03:26,960
Speaker 2: money is for anybody in the family, rather than a

1277
01:03:27,000 --> 01:03:30,120
Speaker 2: husband being a sociopath who steals from his mother. To

1278
01:03:30,160 --> 01:03:33,120
Speaker 2: say it another way, this is a systemic problem, but

1279
01:03:33,280 --> 01:03:36,280
Speaker 2: rather than being a systemic problem with husband being immoral

1280
01:03:36,360 --> 01:03:39,280
Speaker 2: across multiple areas of his life, it is a systemic

1281
01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:44,760
Speaker 2: problem with husband's whole family being financially irresponsible and dishonest

1282
01:03:44,800 --> 01:03:47,560
Speaker 2: about it, and to him that is normal behavior, even

1283
01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:49,920
Speaker 2: though he wouldn't be dishonest in other areas.

1284
01:03:50,160 --> 01:03:50,640
Speaker 1: He will be.

1285
01:03:50,600 --> 01:03:53,520
Speaker 2: Seeing a therapist for individual therapy, and we will be

1286
01:03:53,560 --> 01:03:56,840
Speaker 2: seeing a marriage counselor he's meeting with our pastor every

1287
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:59,680
Speaker 2: other day to talk about taking responsibility for the situation

1288
01:04:00,280 --> 01:04:03,680
Speaker 2: and truly separating from his parents financially and otherwise. I

1289
01:04:03,720 --> 01:04:06,240
Speaker 2: suspect that sooner or later there will be a strong

1290
01:04:06,320 --> 01:04:09,760
Speaker 2: recommendation that husband gets a second job and moves us

1291
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:13,120
Speaker 2: out of his parents' basement. The pastor thinks husband needs

1292
01:04:13,120 --> 01:04:14,640
Speaker 2: to be the one making the money we live on,

1293
01:04:14,800 --> 01:04:17,840
Speaker 2: which husband agrees with. They are also discussing the serious

1294
01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:21,200
Speaker 2: moral implications of taking things, including more or less shared

1295
01:04:21,320 --> 01:04:25,760
Speaker 2: family things without telling people, and especially with blatantly lying

1296
01:04:25,760 --> 01:04:27,880
Speaker 2: to his wife about it, with husband needing to be

1297
01:04:27,920 --> 01:04:31,400
Speaker 2: able to admit the seriousness of those behaviors. Husband will

1298
01:04:31,440 --> 01:04:34,600
Speaker 2: also be meeting with the church run men's accountability group

1299
01:04:34,640 --> 01:04:37,720
Speaker 2: of about five guys once weekly, where they talk about

1300
01:04:37,760 --> 01:04:40,919
Speaker 2: being good guys, not cheating on their wives, being honest, etc.

1301
01:04:41,320 --> 01:04:43,800
Speaker 2: They have a specific list of things they discuss and

1302
01:04:43,840 --> 01:04:46,360
Speaker 2: they keep each other on track because they all have ADHD.

1303
01:04:46,600 --> 01:04:48,360
Speaker 2: This is through a different church where all the men

1304
01:04:48,400 --> 01:04:50,480
Speaker 2: are in this groups, and he will likely be placed

1305
01:04:50,480 --> 01:04:52,439
Speaker 2: in a group with at least two really good role

1306
01:04:52,480 --> 01:04:55,520
Speaker 2: models of personal and moral responsibility. There is a little

1307
01:04:55,520 --> 01:04:57,240
Speaker 2: bit left to the story, but do you have any

1308
01:04:57,280 --> 01:04:58,000
Speaker 2: final thoughts?

1309
01:04:58,080 --> 01:05:00,800
Speaker 1: Yeah. I think like if you're try trying to convince

1310
01:05:00,840 --> 01:05:03,800
Speaker 1: yourself something's a good idea, but there's part of you

1311
01:05:03,880 --> 01:05:07,960
Speaker 1: that just feels like it's not like you gotta feel

1312
01:05:08,000 --> 01:05:11,240
Speaker 1: you gotta you gotta feel that, like ah, it's always

1313
01:05:11,240 --> 01:05:15,000
Speaker 1: stuff outside of just like ourselves that will prompt us

1314
01:05:15,040 --> 01:05:17,000
Speaker 1: to like, oh, I need to get married to this

1315
01:05:17,040 --> 01:05:18,880
Speaker 1: guy because well we're both Mormon and we both like

1316
01:05:18,920 --> 01:05:20,160
Speaker 1: each other, and it's like we both want to have

1317
01:05:20,200 --> 01:05:22,240
Speaker 1: a kid. But it's like, Okay, neither of you are

1318
01:05:22,240 --> 01:05:25,439
Speaker 1: financially ready or like, I don't know, they're already married

1319
01:05:25,480 --> 01:05:29,720
Speaker 1: philosophically ready to like have a kid. Oh did I

1320
01:05:29,720 --> 01:05:32,040
Speaker 1: say get married? I meant to say I have a

1321
01:05:32,080 --> 01:05:33,600
Speaker 1: kid if they're alway because they already.

1322
01:05:33,600 --> 01:05:35,440
Speaker 2: Yeah, I actually don't know anymore if you said that.

1323
01:05:36,480 --> 01:05:39,440
Speaker 1: Regardless, I think all these these people seem to be

1324
01:05:39,480 --> 01:05:42,520
Speaker 1: making decisions not based on like where am I right now?

1325
01:05:43,280 --> 01:05:46,320
Speaker 1: They're like, oh, well, I'll have five promotions in the years.

1326
01:05:46,640 --> 01:05:48,200
Speaker 1: It's like where have that kidding? Oh?

1327
01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:50,040
Speaker 2: Where should I be? Where do I want to be

1328
01:05:50,200 --> 01:05:53,640
Speaker 2: right now? And then they're manifesting so hard that they.

1329
01:05:53,880 --> 01:05:54,760
Speaker 1: Think they're there.

1330
01:05:55,080 --> 01:05:58,400
Speaker 2: Yeah, they're it's like if I was like, I really

1331
01:05:58,440 --> 01:06:00,840
Speaker 2: want to be in Paris right now I don't. I'm like, wow, guys,

1332
01:06:01,440 --> 01:06:02,840
Speaker 2: look at the eye of Hotella.

1333
01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:07,479
Speaker 1: That was definitely definitely But it's okay it German people

1334
01:06:07,520 --> 01:06:11,360
Speaker 1: can go to France. It hasn't been It hasn't been

1335
01:06:11,400 --> 01:06:14,320
Speaker 1: controversial for a long time, the Germans going to France.

1336
01:06:14,600 --> 01:06:17,760
Speaker 1: It's been a long but that's all right now, that's safe.

1337
01:06:17,840 --> 01:06:19,440
Speaker 1: Here a little bit left to this story.

1338
01:06:19,680 --> 01:06:22,120
Speaker 2: I'm working with my therapist on making sure I am

1339
01:06:22,200 --> 01:06:25,720
Speaker 2: responding kindly and not being controlling, while keeping my own

1340
01:06:25,840 --> 01:06:29,960
Speaker 2: financial future insulated from these problems. She thinks there is

1341
01:06:30,120 --> 01:06:33,800
Speaker 2: a good chance that our relationship will survive this and

1342
01:06:33,920 --> 01:06:37,120
Speaker 2: that his behavior will change significantly, but he has to

1343
01:06:37,200 --> 01:06:39,560
Speaker 2: want to change more than he wants to stay the same,

1344
01:06:40,120 --> 01:06:41,720
Speaker 2: so we need to give it some time to see

1345
01:06:41,720 --> 01:06:43,880
Speaker 2: if he ends up choosing to do that. I'm also

1346
01:06:43,960 --> 01:06:45,920
Speaker 2: working with two women at the church on being more

1347
01:06:46,000 --> 01:06:48,960
Speaker 2: compassionate in the way I speak to my husband and

1348
01:06:49,120 --> 01:06:52,400
Speaker 2: less controlling of his decisions. They agree that I didn't

1349
01:06:52,560 --> 01:06:56,280
Speaker 2: cause the problem, especially since it started before we went,

1350
01:06:56,760 --> 01:06:59,520
Speaker 2: but the general agreement is that if I can be

1351
01:06:59,680 --> 01:07:04,440
Speaker 2: more supportive and encouraging, he'll feel more optimistic and therefore

1352
01:07:04,560 --> 01:07:08,360
Speaker 2: possibly more willing to work on change. Whether or not

1353
01:07:08,520 --> 01:07:12,960
Speaker 2: he changes, I will have become a better person. Crazy is.

1354
01:07:14,440 --> 01:07:17,400
Speaker 1: Just fundamentally not the place you analyze your relationships.

1355
01:07:17,880 --> 01:07:20,200
Speaker 2: She's like, I just have to be nicer and all

1356
01:07:20,240 --> 01:07:21,640
Speaker 2: of our problems will go away.

1357
01:07:22,120 --> 01:07:23,520
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's no