WEBVTT - Introducing: Reaching Out 0:00:00.090 --> 0:00:03.090 Hey everyone, it's Brian. I'm excited to share something special 0:00:03.110 --> 0:00:07.360 with you today. It's a moving, one-of-a-kind podcast that stems 0:00:07.560 --> 0:00:11.200 from a simple question. If you'd never met your biological father, 0:00:11.800 --> 0:00:14.400 how far would you go to find him? That's the 0:00:14.460 --> 0:00:18.260 heart of Reaching Out, a new podcast from Futuro and KCRW. 0:00:18.820 --> 0:00:21.910 It follows Sarah Cavado's search for his father, along with 0:00:21.950 --> 0:00:24.790 his twin brother, a father neither of them has ever known, 0:00:25.370 --> 0:00:28.290 and everything that search starts to reveal about their family. 0:00:28.870 --> 0:00:31.050 The first two episodes are out right now. Be sure 0:00:31.070 --> 0:00:33.230 to find Reaching Out in your podcast feed and follow 0:00:33.270 --> 0:00:35.350 it to get the rest of the episodes weekly. And 0:00:35.370 --> 0:00:38.490 keep listening right now for episode one. Here's Reaching Out. 0:00:39.659 --> 0:00:42.519 Join Futuro Plus for early access to the whole season, 0:00:42.940 --> 0:00:47.360 ad-free listening, and exclusive bonus content for Reaching Out. Go 0:00:47.380 --> 0:00:55.080 to futuromediagroup.org backslash join plus to get access today. Futuro. 0:01:01.260 --> 0:01:05.620 On February 15th, 2020, Connor calls you to ask if 0:01:05.640 --> 0:01:10.580 you want to look for your birth father. You do 0:01:10.620 --> 0:01:14.970 not record this conversation. This is notable, if only because 0:01:15.030 --> 0:01:18.770 so much of your life has been recorded. Moments far 0:01:18.810 --> 0:01:30.140 less consequential than this. You're on Connor's fourth birthday. A 0:01:30.160 --> 0:01:34.060 school performance. You play a scared rabbit, your only line. 0:01:34.080 --> 0:01:34.979 I think we're lost. 0:01:35.819 --> 0:01:37.660 Don't worry, we'll just go back to where we came. 0:01:37.959 --> 0:01:40.819 Which way did we come? A house party when you 0:01:40.860 --> 0:01:43.619 were 16, when you first began to record yourself. 0:01:44.380 --> 0:01:48.750 These records were made because you or someone else thought 0:01:48.770 --> 0:01:50.610 the moment was worth keeping. 0:01:50.710 --> 0:01:52.550 A sort of prescient. 0:01:52.050 --> 0:02:03.320 Act, one that assumes that you might want to return, 0:02:03.840 --> 0:02:06.840 that what is captured here may hold some significance, that 0:02:06.880 --> 0:02:09.760 what is remembered may cohere somehow with the story of 0:02:09.780 --> 0:02:14.179 your life as you are meant to understand it. There 0:02:14.220 --> 0:02:16.620 is a price for what we choose to remember and 0:02:16.660 --> 0:02:19.600 what we choose to forget, for the story we make 0:02:19.660 --> 0:02:22.340 of it. If you had known how this would all 0:02:22.410 --> 0:02:25.850 turn out, maybe you would have recorded everything. Or if 0:02:25.870 --> 0:02:28.389 you had known the cost, maybe you would not have 0:02:28.430 --> 0:02:32.910 recorded anything at all. but you did not know, could 0:02:32.930 --> 0:02:38.490 not have known. On February 15th, 2020, your brother calls 0:02:38.550 --> 0:02:40.050 you to ask if you want to look for your 0:02:40.070 --> 0:02:43.130 birth father, but there is no record of that call. 0:02:46.389 --> 0:02:48.890 There is, however, a recording of the call you make 0:02:49.210 --> 0:02:49.889 a few days later. 0:03:12.780 --> 0:03:13.000 Hello? 0:03:14.120 --> 0:03:14.560 Hey, brother. 0:03:15.740 --> 0:03:16.320 Hey, what's up? 0:03:17.840 --> 0:03:18.200 Nothing. 0:03:18.240 --> 0:03:20.419 My phone is at 10%, by the way. 0:03:20.440 --> 0:03:22.590 That's cool. 0:03:22.690 --> 0:03:25.440 I don't feel like talking on the phone very long. 0:03:25.470 --> 0:03:26.370 I'm tired. 0:03:27.060 --> 0:03:27.730 I'm recording. 0:03:28.030 --> 0:03:28.950 I hope that is okay. 0:03:30.710 --> 0:03:31.090 Oh, really? 0:03:31.110 --> 0:03:31.790 Okay. 0:03:32.270 --> 0:03:32.670 Yeah. 0:03:33.770 --> 0:03:33.970 All right. 0:03:34.750 --> 0:03:35.210 That's cool. 0:03:36.430 --> 0:03:39.050 Are you recording because you want to talk about dad stuff? 0:03:40.510 --> 0:03:40.810 Yeah. 0:03:40.850 --> 0:03:42.150 Well, not just because of that. 0:03:42.170 --> 0:03:42.430 But yeah. 0:03:57.510 --> 0:03:59.810 These days, you rarely know where Connor is until he's 0:03:59.850 --> 0:04:03.280 already there. You call and he's in Washington with his girlfriend. 0:04:03.840 --> 0:04:06.640 You call again and he's barely got service. He's trimming 0:04:06.680 --> 0:04:09.420 weed in Arcata. Or he's hopped the train to the Midwest. 0:04:09.960 --> 0:04:11.740 Or he's crashing on a friend's couch in Oakland. 0:04:12.540 --> 0:04:15.240 Just fucking... So I'm in New Orleans right now, right? 0:04:16.720 --> 0:04:17.900 You know that? You're where? 0:04:18.660 --> 0:04:22.109 Right now, Connor is partying in New Orleans with his girlfriend. 0:04:23.140 --> 0:04:26.090 Right now, you are pacing around your room in Harlem, 0:04:26.610 --> 0:04:29.289 staring at a whiteboard where you have scribbled a list 0:04:29.370 --> 0:04:34.510 of vague to-dos. Dentist, student loans, respond to email, and clean. 0:04:35.420 --> 0:04:37.880 You do not bother to erase these tasks each week. 0:04:38.560 --> 0:04:41.700 The tasks will remain undone, or they will be rewritten. 0:04:42.520 --> 0:04:45.070 Today, me and Claire were walking to go get my bike, 0:04:45.730 --> 0:04:48.089 and we walked by this guy who apparently used to 0:04:48.130 --> 0:04:50.390 live here. We keep walking, and all of a sudden, 0:04:51.630 --> 0:04:53.310 I hear beer steps, and. 0:04:53.290 --> 0:04:53.869 I look behind. 0:04:53.890 --> 0:04:58.960 He's walking really quickly to catch up with us. He's walking, 0:04:58.980 --> 0:05:03.300 and he's like, you faggot. You can't bring females here. 0:05:04.880 --> 0:05:06.460 What the fuck do you think you're doing? I was like, 0:05:06.480 --> 0:05:10.810 it's my girlfriend. And then he kind of just Mean 0:05:10.850 --> 0:05:13.410 mugged and blank stared, and then he started walking back 0:05:13.450 --> 0:05:14.859 to his chair, right? 0:05:15.510 --> 0:05:17.880 Connor does not like it when you point out your differences, 0:05:18.600 --> 0:05:22.600 but contrast is the rightful and unavoidable dominion of twins. 0:05:23.440 --> 0:05:26.719 There are superficial distinctions, the kind of differences strangers point 0:05:26.779 --> 0:05:28.840 out when you inevitably pull up a photo of Connor 0:05:29.200 --> 0:05:32.180 after they learn you're a twin. Your tightly coiled curls, 0:05:32.680 --> 0:05:35.830 Connor's loose, wavy hair. Connor's growth spurt at 16. Your 5'7, 0:05:35.820 --> 0:05:40.860 which you say is 5'8. But nothing makes you feel 0:05:40.900 --> 0:05:43.040 more different from your brother than when he tells you 0:05:43.080 --> 0:05:46.220 these kinds of stories. Because it is in these stories 0:05:46.540 --> 0:05:49.000 that your critical difference becomes most obvious. 0:05:49.400 --> 0:05:52.540 And then we keep walking. It's about like a mile 0:05:52.600 --> 0:05:55.600 and a half or so back to the house. And 0:05:55.620 --> 0:05:58.800 I like turn around and the fucking guy is like 0:05:58.860 --> 0:05:59.860 a block away from us. 0:06:00.480 --> 0:06:00.800 Whoa. 0:06:01.920 --> 0:06:04.620 I just had fucking like these knives in his hand. 0:06:05.480 --> 0:06:07.460 And like polishing his knives on his shirt and like 0:06:07.490 --> 0:06:08.000 looking at us. 0:06:08.760 --> 0:06:12.700 The critical difference between you and Connor is this. Long ago, 0:06:13.180 --> 0:06:17.160 without realizing it, you chose a kind of freedom. The 0:06:17.180 --> 0:06:20.560 kind that imparts stability and safety, and that you pay 0:06:20.620 --> 0:06:25.339 for in unsubsidized loans, quarterly job reviews, happy hours with co-workers, 0:06:25.820 --> 0:06:30.980 boring party conversation, conferences with field practitioners, mid-century modern furniture, 0:06:31.400 --> 0:06:35.110 boxing classes, and dental checkups. And Connor chose a kind 0:06:35.150 --> 0:06:38.150 of freedom that comes with land projects, one-off jobs at 0:06:38.180 --> 0:06:42.140 biker festivals, wide-open mountain ranges from the Union Pacific Line, 0:06:42.640 --> 0:06:45.020 and that he pays for in a persistent smoker's cough, 0:06:45.480 --> 0:06:48.560 weeks on remote weed farms with fish fans, and being 0:06:48.620 --> 0:06:51.280 pursued in New Orleans by a guy with a knife. 0:06:51.300 --> 0:06:54.460 It was just like a psycho-ass move. So yeah, that 0:06:54.500 --> 0:06:57.870 was crazy. That's why I was talking to you. 0:06:58.910 --> 0:07:01.070 You do not return to the subject of your birth 0:07:01.110 --> 0:07:04.430 father tonight. You talk about your mother. who left her 0:07:04.470 --> 0:07:06.650 apartment in Oakland after they raised the rent a few 0:07:06.690 --> 0:07:10.040 months ago. She's dog-sitting for strangers now to save money. 0:07:10.060 --> 0:07:13.660 She's, like, talking to me about how she's, like, bouncing 0:07:14.080 --> 0:07:15.040 around a bunch right now. 0:07:16.520 --> 0:07:16.700 Yep. 0:07:17.420 --> 0:07:19.720 Living that nomadic lifestyle, am I right? 0:07:21.000 --> 0:07:21.300 Uh-huh. 0:07:22.160 --> 0:07:24.140 You wrestle about timing for your next call. 0:07:24.680 --> 0:07:28.040 Yeah, probably can't talk tomorrow, but I can talk sometime 0:07:28.360 --> 0:07:29.080 in the next few days. 0:07:30.320 --> 0:07:31.480 Tell me what time. 0:07:33.120 --> 0:07:35.160 And Dave, dude, I don't have a schedule. 0:07:36.100 --> 0:07:39.120 Your brother thinks you are a judgmental normie, and you 0:07:39.190 --> 0:07:42.270 think he is a judgmental hobo. This is the shared 0:07:42.330 --> 0:07:45.410 cost of your divergent freedoms. You both pay for your 0:07:45.450 --> 0:07:48.070 choices with the degree of distance it puts between you. 0:07:49.370 --> 0:07:51.490 But you do love each other, and you are trying 0:07:51.510 --> 0:07:55.090 to be better, to be nicer, to be closer. This 0:07:55.150 --> 0:07:57.310 routine of phone calls, which began a few months ago, 0:07:57.830 --> 0:07:58.429 is your attempt. 0:07:59.390 --> 0:08:01.530 I want to drink water and eat meals. 0:08:05.820 --> 0:08:15.470 It's unlikely you speak about your father again, but it's 0:08:15.510 --> 0:08:16.410 hard to say for sure. 0:08:17.250 --> 0:08:19.130 There are no records of phone calls with Connor that 0:08:19.190 --> 0:08:21.940 week or the next. You assume his impulse to look 0:08:21.960 --> 0:08:24.980 for your father is a passing one. You doubt you 0:08:25.000 --> 0:08:28.540 follow up. You went through your phase, of course, the 0:08:28.600 --> 0:08:31.880 one that you imagine most fatherless teenagers go through. in 0:08:31.900 --> 0:08:35.520 which your father's absence took on an outsized significance, in 0:08:35.540 --> 0:08:38.890 which your adolescent brain dissected and disassembled its meaning in 0:08:38.929 --> 0:08:42.270 relation to your sense of self? Was your fatherlessness, while 0:08:42.290 --> 0:08:45.370 you felt so apart from others, was his abandonment a 0:08:45.410 --> 0:08:48.670 sort of permanent wound on your psyche? Only one way 0:08:48.720 --> 0:08:54.080 to find out. Write a lot of shitty poetry. None 0:08:54.100 --> 0:08:58.740 of those poems are recorded, thank God. But one vestige remains. 0:08:59.790 --> 0:09:01.870 a play about two boys waiting to meet their father 0:09:01.990 --> 0:09:05.370 at a cafe. You wrote it when you were 17. 0:09:05.370 --> 0:09:09.699 It was called, perhaps a little over-precisely, Waiting to Meet 0:09:09.720 --> 0:09:13.760 Your Father, and was haltingly, painfully acted out by two 0:09:13.800 --> 0:09:14.700 fellow art students. 0:09:15.940 --> 0:09:17.000 What if he doesn't show? 0:09:17.660 --> 0:09:18.040 He will. 0:09:18.590 --> 0:09:21.110 And if he doesn't? I'll be okay. 0:09:21.130 --> 0:09:21.510 I'll be okay. 0:09:26.530 --> 0:09:28.939 The central tension of the play is that the two 0:09:29.000 --> 0:09:31.280 boys are waiting at a cafe to meet their father 0:09:31.340 --> 0:09:34.360 who they've never known. But he is running late, or 0:09:34.400 --> 0:09:37.680 maybe he is standing them up. The brothers argue about 0:09:37.720 --> 0:09:39.510 whether or not they should wait to find out which 0:09:39.630 --> 0:09:42.130 one it is. One boy is sure it won't be 0:09:42.170 --> 0:09:44.910 worth it. The other is adamant they stay. 0:09:44.929 --> 0:09:47.590 Do you think about him a lot? No. 0:09:48.010 --> 0:09:48.410 Do you? 0:09:49.510 --> 0:09:51.199 Well, sometimes. 0:09:52.050 --> 0:09:54.930 Like, we're about to fall asleep. It's usually while I'm 0:09:54.970 --> 0:09:56.840 not thinking that I think about him the most. You know, 0:09:58.260 --> 0:09:59.860 it's one of those things where when my mind is 0:09:59.880 --> 0:10:03.060 just drifting, I'll suddenly start wondering about him. And then 0:10:03.080 --> 0:10:04.720 I'll have to make myself do something to take my 0:10:04.760 --> 0:10:06.980 mind off him. The more I think about trying to 0:10:07.120 --> 0:10:08.760 think about him, the more I end up thinking about him. 0:10:10.330 --> 0:10:10.809 In the end. 0:10:12.030 --> 0:10:12.449 Let's go. 0:10:13.890 --> 0:10:14.370 Are you sure? 0:10:15.050 --> 0:10:15.329 Yeah. 0:10:16.650 --> 0:10:19.250 Their father arrives a few moments after they walk out 0:10:19.270 --> 0:10:29.080 the door. The poetry and playwriting phase was short-lived. When 0:10:29.120 --> 0:10:33.640 you were 20, you wrote a radio commentary, also over-precisely titled, 0:10:34.200 --> 0:10:35.120 Searching for Dad. 0:10:36.660 --> 0:10:38.900 Over the last couple of years, I've found myself at 0:10:38.940 --> 0:10:42.740 the computer googling my biological father's name. I'd sort through 0:10:42.760 --> 0:10:45.579 the different characters that came up. There was the pastor, 0:10:45.600 --> 0:10:49.200 the photographer, the game designer. I'd look at images and 0:10:49.220 --> 0:10:51.960 try to recognize parts of their faces and mine, see 0:10:51.980 --> 0:10:54.470 if anything about them struck me. I even had some 0:10:54.510 --> 0:10:57.110 numbers I found in online directories saved under his name 0:10:57.130 --> 0:10:59.090 in my phone, just in case I ever got the 0:10:59.110 --> 0:10:59.690 guts to call. 0:11:00.410 --> 0:11:03.750 You turned 20 the month before this commentary aired. On 0:11:03.770 --> 0:11:06.370 the eve of this new decade of life, you decided 0:11:06.490 --> 0:11:08.510 it was not worth it to actively think about your 0:11:08.530 --> 0:11:11.729 birth father anymore. It was not cool to still feel 0:11:11.750 --> 0:11:14.250 hurt about it, and so you could choose to feel nothing. 0:11:15.030 --> 0:11:17.450 Whether or not you truly believed that was beside the point, 0:11:18.050 --> 0:11:21.830 writing it down, recording it would remind you, and remembering 0:11:21.890 --> 0:11:25.540 it would make it true. Biology may connect us, but 0:11:25.559 --> 0:11:27.700 I'm a product of so much more than that. The 0:11:27.720 --> 0:11:29.900 decisions I make, the family and friends I choose to 0:11:29.940 --> 0:11:32.140 keep around me, those are the things that make me 0:11:32.160 --> 0:11:35.010 who I am. So for me, the new year means 0:11:35.030 --> 0:11:37.750 deleting those old numbers from my phone and spending more 0:11:37.790 --> 0:11:41.750 time searching not for my dad, but for myself. Again, 0:11:41.770 --> 0:11:47.010 a little over-precise, maybe even a little cliche. The reality is, 0:11:47.330 --> 0:11:50.710 most people spend their lives searching for their parents. You 0:11:50.730 --> 0:11:52.790 know people with dead parents who search for them through 0:11:52.830 --> 0:11:55.790 baby photos and old letters. You know people with living 0:11:55.850 --> 0:11:59.290 parents who search for them in tense dinner conversations. You 0:11:59.330 --> 0:12:03.949 belong to the special sect of seeking offspring. Boys without fathers. 0:12:04.890 --> 0:12:07.270 Connor wants to initiate you into the cult of boys 0:12:07.470 --> 0:12:12.590 who search for those fathers. This cult, historically, mythologically, tend 0:12:12.630 --> 0:12:18.479 towards self-destruction. Chariots shattered by thunderbolts, blinding themselves with golden pins. 0:12:19.080 --> 0:12:22.800 wandering into Arctic tundras to self-immolate. In choosing to give 0:12:22.860 --> 0:12:25.040 up your father at 20 to write the ending of 0:12:25.059 --> 0:12:28.480 your story, you are avoiding this fate, and you plan 0:12:28.500 --> 0:12:31.620 to continue to do so now. You will not sabotage 0:12:31.640 --> 0:12:33.980 your brother's efforts, but you will not help them either. 0:12:34.880 --> 0:12:37.050 So you do not follow up with Connor about looking 0:12:37.090 --> 0:12:41.170 for your father, and Connor does not call. But there 0:12:41.190 --> 0:12:44.090 are also no records of other calls either. If you 0:12:44.130 --> 0:12:47.200 had recorded everything, You would hear three sessions here with 0:12:47.220 --> 0:12:53.059 your new work-subsidized teletherapist. The first, an intake session. A concise, 0:12:53.120 --> 0:12:55.620 summarized biography of your life as it relates to your 0:12:55.640 --> 0:12:59.679 inner problems. You make radio documentaries. You won some awards 0:12:59.710 --> 0:13:03.890 for this last year. Wow, hold on, one second. There 0:13:03.910 --> 0:13:05.710 are two parts to this speech and I was going 0:13:05.730 --> 0:13:07.710 to keep it short, but what the hell, I got gold, so. 0:13:10.750 --> 0:13:14.380 You crave the attention and acknowledgement, and it also repulses you. 0:13:15.530 --> 0:13:17.859 You work at the biggest newspaper in the world, at 0:13:17.920 --> 0:13:21.060 one of the biggest shows in the country. Lately, you've 0:13:21.080 --> 0:13:24.340 been leaving early to see if anyone notices. They don't. 0:13:28.460 --> 0:13:30.599 You were raised by a loving single mother in the 0:13:30.640 --> 0:13:41.020 Bay Area. You would hear yourself tell your teletherapist that 0:13:41.040 --> 0:13:43.350 your birth father left before you were born and you've 0:13:43.370 --> 0:13:46.089 never met him. That you suspect, based on nothing more 0:13:46.130 --> 0:13:49.130 than an elementary understanding of Freud and a few Instagram 0:13:49.150 --> 0:13:51.780 therapy videos, that this is the root of some of 0:13:51.820 --> 0:13:58.220 your problems. Daddy issues. You have a twin brother. But 0:13:58.240 --> 0:14:00.939 you're not identical. You probably make the same joke you 0:14:00.960 --> 0:14:04.700 always do. That you're sorry to disappoint your therapist. People 0:14:04.740 --> 0:14:06.620 are always more excited when they think there's some other 0:14:06.640 --> 0:14:10.600 version of you out there. Most relevant to your teletherapist, 0:14:11.300 --> 0:14:13.890 what you would like to fix about yourself. It is 0:14:13.929 --> 0:14:17.670 mostly one thing, which you are almost embarrassed to admit. 0:14:18.730 --> 0:14:21.700 You have the sneaking suspicion that you will never fall 0:14:21.750 --> 0:14:25.780 in love. Then you would hear the second session. In 0:14:25.820 --> 0:14:28.620 this recording, you would hear your teletherapist say that she 0:14:28.660 --> 0:14:31.580 gets clients like you all the time, who have succeeded 0:14:31.640 --> 0:14:35.260 by every other metric in their lives except love. You 0:14:35.280 --> 0:14:39.190 would hear your equivocal, unsure if that assessment makes you 0:14:39.230 --> 0:14:42.200 feel better or worse. That your failure is not unique, 0:14:42.520 --> 0:14:45.020 but a species of pain felt by other people who 0:14:45.040 --> 0:14:49.140 pay for therapy offered on discount in podcast commercials. You 0:14:49.160 --> 0:14:51.480 can hear her fumbling plates beneath a running faucet in 0:14:51.500 --> 0:14:55.370 the background as you describe your last relationship. She tells you, 0:14:56.010 --> 0:14:58.730 you think, perhaps a little quick to the draw, that 0:14:58.850 --> 0:15:03.550 it sounds emotionally abusive. Then you would hear the third session, 0:15:03.970 --> 0:15:07.000 in which her voice sounds diffuse and distant. You will 0:15:07.040 --> 0:15:09.160 eventually figure out it is because she is speaking to 0:15:09.200 --> 0:15:12.140 you from her car and you are on speakerphone. You 0:15:12.180 --> 0:15:15.360 imagine her kids sitting silently in the backseat, listening in 0:15:15.420 --> 0:15:17.890 as you talk about this mysterious illness all over the news. 0:15:18.890 --> 0:15:21.210 Your job sent you home a few days ago. There 0:15:21.230 --> 0:15:23.550 are rumors there's going to be a state of emergency soon. 0:15:24.490 --> 0:15:26.110 She ends the call by telling you that she has 0:15:26.150 --> 0:15:28.950 decided to step away from her practice, to focus on 0:15:28.990 --> 0:15:53.200 her family in this uncertain moment. The memories of the 0:15:53.260 --> 0:15:55.859 first months of the pandemic are stored data points in 0:15:55.900 --> 0:15:58.640 your phone. Nike says you run 51.8 miles in the 0:15:58.700 --> 0:16:02.810 first three months. Quit smoking says you managed to stop 0:16:02.870 --> 0:16:06.710 for that same period of time. Otherwise, the only reliable 0:16:06.770 --> 0:16:09.290 testament of this time are the recordings you make of 0:16:09.340 --> 0:16:10.030 your phone calls. 0:16:10.720 --> 0:16:12.740 By the way, do you mind if I record our conversation? 0:16:12.820 --> 0:16:16.560 I'm recording all of my quarantine combos. 0:16:16.780 --> 0:16:17.860 By the way, I'm recording. 0:16:17.940 --> 0:16:20.739 I've decided I'm going to start recording all my conversations 0:16:20.800 --> 0:16:21.760 because this seems like a moment. 0:16:22.260 --> 0:16:24.380 You tell yourself that it is for a project you 0:16:24.420 --> 0:16:26.220 hope to make about this historic moment. 0:16:26.810 --> 0:16:29.230 Didn't touch my grandparents, obviously. 0:16:29.250 --> 0:16:30.610 Although I did. 0:16:30.510 --> 0:16:33.490 Find out that my grandpa went to 7-Eleven to get 0:16:33.530 --> 0:16:36.240 a Pepsi. I had kind of a panic attack and 0:16:36.270 --> 0:16:39.030 I realized that I had like a very small window 0:16:39.050 --> 0:16:41.150 of time to decide whether or not I was going 0:16:41.170 --> 0:16:44.320 to stay here or try to get home. Whatever, if 0:16:44.340 --> 0:16:45.980 you want to get sick, but homie, if you get 0:16:46.020 --> 0:16:47.740 my grandma sick, I'll kill you. 0:16:48.000 --> 0:16:53.140 Yeah, that's, uh, it's... You and. 0:16:53.100 --> 0:16:55.700 Connor call with the same tepid frequency as before the 0:16:55.740 --> 0:16:59.590 state of emergency Connor's back in Washington now with his girlfriend. 0:16:59.610 --> 0:17:06.810 He doesn't speak about looking for your birth father again, 0:17:07.250 --> 0:17:10.490 and you don't bring it up. Flights are almost completely grounded. 0:17:10.970 --> 0:17:13.720 You can't leave your house, much less the state. And 0:17:13.740 --> 0:17:16.400 in this moment, you are both more focused on making 0:17:16.440 --> 0:17:20.080 life bearable, building fortresses of routine to keep the mania 0:17:20.180 --> 0:17:30.250 of your confinement from creeping in. Also in the recordings, 0:17:30.770 --> 0:17:33.150 phone calls with your mom and her best friend, Michelle, 0:17:33.609 --> 0:17:36.850 who you call Auntie and Cat Head. Your mom has 0:17:36.869 --> 0:17:39.760 been living with Michelle in Portland since quarantine began. 0:17:39.780 --> 0:17:41.020 Hi, Mommy. 0:17:41.100 --> 0:17:41.830 How are you? 0:17:42.520 --> 0:17:45.840 Hello. I'm back. Your mommy's back. She's here. 0:17:45.880 --> 0:17:46.180 You're back. 0:17:46.200 --> 0:17:46.640 She's here. 0:17:47.060 --> 0:17:49.940 You think maybe you'll transcribe these recordings and complete a 0:17:49.960 --> 0:17:53.330 screenplay about Mom and Michelle's adventures as strippers in the 0:17:53.670 --> 0:17:55.590 80s at the Century Club in San Francisco. 0:17:56.170 --> 0:18:00.410 So does it go from bear to otter and then 0:18:00.450 --> 0:18:01.350 to something else? 0:18:02.390 --> 0:18:04.830 It's not like an evolution. 0:18:04.890 --> 0:18:05.890 It's just different groups. 0:18:07.890 --> 0:18:08.230 Okay. 0:18:08.250 --> 0:18:10.560 Twinks are a totally different category, right? 0:18:11.520 --> 0:18:14.480 This is your favorite kind of call. You get stoned 0:18:14.520 --> 0:18:16.399 and curl up in bed with the phone balanced on 0:18:16.440 --> 0:18:20.600 your cheek. You are still at 27, like most children. 0:18:21.320 --> 0:18:23.379 You like to hear stories of the world before you 0:18:23.400 --> 0:18:26.410 were in it. of your mother before she was your mother. 0:18:27.330 --> 0:18:30.170 Tell me about what my mom was like when you 0:18:30.270 --> 0:18:31.110 first met her. 0:18:34.490 --> 0:18:36.360 We were just talking about this the other night, actually. 0:18:36.380 --> 0:18:39.940 I was working at The Century before she came there. 0:18:39.960 --> 0:18:44.179 And so she was new, so I was curious. And 0:18:44.200 --> 0:18:49.889 she seemed a bit reserved and a little standoffish. And so, 0:18:50.090 --> 0:18:52.149 so one day I finally got my ketchup and I 0:18:52.170 --> 0:18:56.030 was like, where are you from? And she goes, El Salvador. 0:18:56.430 --> 0:18:59.730 But then I said, oh, well, like you're so pretty 0:18:59.750 --> 0:19:02.410 or something. And then she goes, oh, well, you're really 0:19:02.450 --> 0:19:02.990 pretty too. 0:19:04.150 --> 0:19:06.750 You've learned your mother's story in pieces over years of 0:19:06.790 --> 0:19:09.230 your adulthood. And then all at once when you made 0:19:09.280 --> 0:19:12.920 a documentary about her a few years ago. Her schizophrenic mother, 0:19:13.359 --> 0:19:18.100 her alcoholic father, her molester grandfather. She ran away. And 0:19:18.119 --> 0:19:21.440 so she has no records. No photo albums, no videos, 0:19:21.980 --> 0:19:24.500 no trace of her childhood, and no family to ask. 0:19:25.500 --> 0:19:28.500 Michelle is the closest witness that you have to her life. 0:19:29.140 --> 0:19:31.300 The thing I remember also is that she was kind 0:19:31.359 --> 0:19:34.050 of the grown-up out of all of, like, the girls 0:19:34.119 --> 0:19:36.230 that I knew and hung out with. She'd been on 0:19:36.270 --> 0:19:38.750 her own longer, too, because, like, I left home at 17, 0:19:38.750 --> 0:19:41.290 but she was, like, on her own at 15. 0:19:41.290 --> 0:19:44.609 Your mother's life is a constellation. Points of interest float 0:19:44.650 --> 0:19:48.050 out there in the vast darkness. She or Michelle, at will, 0:19:48.630 --> 0:19:51.720 pluck these details from the void. And they become images, 0:19:52.100 --> 0:19:55.040 and then stories. Like the expensive condo she lived in 0:19:55.080 --> 0:19:59.010 before you were born. Her twin Siamese cats, Hades and Persephone. 0:19:59.030 --> 0:20:02.530 Or the aquarium full of exotic fish, shattered by the 0:20:02.590 --> 0:20:05.410 earthquake in 89. 0:20:09.470 --> 0:20:12.510 Or the other dancers, the girlfriend of a famous rock star, 0:20:13.050 --> 0:20:17.429 a girl cruelly nicknamed Pincushion for her favorite vice. Or 0:20:17.490 --> 0:20:20.450 Lady T, who wore a steward's uniform for her set, 0:20:21.150 --> 0:20:23.530 plane crashes projecting behind her as she danced. 0:20:24.290 --> 0:20:25.750 And what did you dance to? 0:20:25.890 --> 0:20:27.210 And what did my mom dance to? 0:20:28.230 --> 0:20:31.149 I would dance to Bob Dylan a lot, actually. So 0:20:31.190 --> 0:20:32.070 did your mom. 0:20:32.570 --> 0:20:36.910 Well, yeah, but his Christian album. I'm going to scandalize 0:20:36.950 --> 0:20:42.910 your nephew now. Your auntie did, like, the schoolgirl thing. 0:20:42.990 --> 0:20:43.770 Let's just be honest. 0:20:43.830 --> 0:20:44.629 Let's just be honest. 0:20:44.670 --> 0:20:44.990 Yeah. 0:20:45.930 --> 0:20:50.740 Yeah. Creepy, but I won't think about that. 0:20:50.880 --> 0:20:51.140 I know. 0:20:51.160 --> 0:20:54.460 When you think about it, it's super creepy. I want 0:20:54.500 --> 0:20:55.899 to warn you that my phone is. 0:20:56.320 --> 0:20:56.679 You know what? 0:20:56.700 --> 0:20:58.859 I'm going to go upstairs and get the cord. 0:20:59.060 --> 0:21:01.359 But I have to look at this message from your brother. 0:21:02.180 --> 0:21:04.200 Okay, now's your chance, Sarah. Your mom's going upstairs. 0:21:06.200 --> 0:21:06.700 No, Chris. 0:21:10.320 --> 0:21:17.270 What is her, what are her, oh, did you ever 0:21:17.310 --> 0:21:18.210 meet my birth father? 0:21:18.230 --> 0:21:19.670 Yeah. 0:21:20.950 --> 0:21:22.490 And what was your general impression? 0:21:24.270 --> 0:21:27.379 He was okay. I only met your birth father a 0:21:27.440 --> 0:21:30.240 couple of times. I remember I met him once at 0:21:30.280 --> 0:21:36.680 the Zeitgeist, and he was really hella tall, for one thing. 0:21:37.890 --> 0:21:40.250 He was cute. He was, like, handsome. 0:21:40.930 --> 0:21:44.050 Your mother is not exactly withholding about your father. She 0:21:44.270 --> 0:21:46.929 answers the questions if you ask them, which you did 0:21:46.970 --> 0:21:50.379 a lot when you were a teenager. Your origin story 0:21:50.460 --> 0:21:55.139 has remained consistent, but unsatisfyingly brief. Your father was a 0:21:55.180 --> 0:21:58.320 line cook. He played in a rockabilly band. They met 0:21:58.400 --> 0:22:00.940 at a bar called the Zeitgeist, dated for a while. 0:22:01.460 --> 0:22:04.119 She got pregnant. He wasn't ready to be a father. 0:22:04.780 --> 0:22:07.890 She decided to keep you. For a while, she exchanged 0:22:07.930 --> 0:22:10.669 letters with his mother, but she was always justifying his 0:22:10.710 --> 0:22:13.169 choice to not be involved in your lives, so they 0:22:13.190 --> 0:22:17.290 stopped communicating. Your mother tells you his name, but can't 0:22:17.310 --> 0:22:18.370 remember how it's spelled. 0:22:19.210 --> 0:22:21.189