WEBVTT - Positive Outcomes 0:00:09.240 --> 0:00:12.799 Hello, and welcome to this special edition of Keep It Positive, Sweetie. 0:00:12.800 --> 0:00:17.759 Today is a special episode because you, my listeners, have 0:00:17.840 --> 0:00:19.960 written into me and asked me for advice. We always 0:00:20.000 --> 0:00:22.479 do positive outcomes where I read a letter from you 0:00:22.520 --> 0:00:24.520 all that you write in and I give you my 0:00:24.520 --> 0:00:26.760 advice and Soda is my guest. But today I'm taking 0:00:26.760 --> 0:00:29.280 some time out for just me and you to listen 0:00:29.280 --> 0:00:30.639 to what you have to say and give you the 0:00:30.640 --> 0:00:33.440 best advice that I can. All right, so let's get 0:00:33.440 --> 0:00:33.879 into it. 0:00:37.000 --> 0:00:39.960 Good morning, Crystal. First, I want to say thank you. 0:00:40.600 --> 0:00:42.600 I love to watch your show and you are so 0:00:42.880 --> 0:00:47.200 inspirment and honest. Thank you for being who you are authentically. 0:00:48.080 --> 0:00:50.640 I am on a quest to get back my femininity, 0:00:51.080 --> 0:00:53.360 but as a fifty two year old woman, I'm not 0:00:53.440 --> 0:00:58.400 sure what that means. Is it the way a woman dresses, speaks, smells, 0:00:58.720 --> 0:01:02.640 moves at and can you lose it? And if so, 0:01:02.960 --> 0:01:05.720 how do you get it back? As a single, divorced 0:01:05.760 --> 0:01:08.319 mother of three adult children, I am in search to 0:01:08.360 --> 0:01:12.679 recreate myself. I have been hard for so long that 0:01:12.760 --> 0:01:15.440 I don't know anything else. But I know that's not 0:01:15.520 --> 0:01:18.800 how God made me. As I am typing this, my 0:01:18.880 --> 0:01:21.759 eyes are filling with tears. I had to be hard 0:01:21.760 --> 0:01:24.800 in order to raise three children, two males and one daughter, 0:01:25.120 --> 0:01:28.319 on the South Side of Chicago, keeping them out of gangs, 0:01:28.480 --> 0:01:31.679 not selling drugs or becoming baby daddies or baby mamas. 0:01:32.360 --> 0:01:34.640 It was hard, but I did it because I wanted 0:01:34.640 --> 0:01:37.800 the best for them, and doing that I lost me. 0:01:39.160 --> 0:01:41.960 I like the line in Lauren Hill's song when she said, 0:01:42.440 --> 0:01:45.000 don't be a hard rock when you really are a gym. 0:01:45.840 --> 0:01:46.319 That's me. 0:01:47.319 --> 0:01:50.480 I don't know how not to be hard. What does 0:01:50.520 --> 0:01:53.080 feminine mean and what does it look like? 0:01:54.080 --> 0:01:58.920 Thank you? Wow? 0:01:59.160 --> 0:02:02.000 Well, first of all, thank you so much for writing in. 0:02:02.120 --> 0:02:04.640 I didn't get your name, but I wanted to let 0:02:04.680 --> 0:02:06.360 you know that I appreciate you, and thank you so 0:02:06.440 --> 0:02:08.560 much for taking the time to write in and for 0:02:08.639 --> 0:02:14.560 watching every week a mother of three, a single mother 0:02:14.639 --> 0:02:18.600 of three that in itself, playing the role of a 0:02:18.680 --> 0:02:23.120 man and a woman, it almost forces you to take 0:02:23.160 --> 0:02:26.480 on those masculine attributes that men have because you have 0:02:26.560 --> 0:02:29.520 to play both roles. So I definitely want to take 0:02:29.560 --> 0:02:31.919 my house to you for doing that, and especially in Chicago, 0:02:31.960 --> 0:02:34.760 which is known for its crime, I know that that 0:02:34.919 --> 0:02:37.600 in itself, you had to really prepare your children for 0:02:37.639 --> 0:02:39.240 what they were going to face every day when they 0:02:39.360 --> 0:02:43.640 left that house. But when it comes to being a 0:02:43.680 --> 0:02:46.720 woman and tapping into that feminine side, you asking what 0:02:46.760 --> 0:02:51.880 does femininity mean? The Webster Dictionary definition of femininity is 0:02:52.000 --> 0:02:56.200 qualities or attributes regarded as characteristics. 0:02:55.600 --> 0:02:57.000 Of women or girls. 0:02:57.880 --> 0:03:01.720 And I can attest that in my life as a 0:03:01.720 --> 0:03:04.440 single woman. When I was in my single woman phase, 0:03:05.040 --> 0:03:07.800 there was times where I was taking on the man 0:03:07.840 --> 0:03:11.560 and the female role and I definitely had a very 0:03:12.040 --> 0:03:15.200 hard shell, which came off masculine to some people. As 0:03:15.240 --> 0:03:18.120 a businesswoman, you have to be very stern and direct, 0:03:18.200 --> 0:03:22.280 and that comes off as masculine. It wasn't until recently 0:03:23.040 --> 0:03:25.040 that I decided that I really wanted to tap back 0:03:25.040 --> 0:03:27.919 into my femininity. You asked, is it like whey you smelled, 0:03:27.919 --> 0:03:29.560 the way you walk, the way you dressed. A lot 0:03:29.560 --> 0:03:34.440 of those things can be ways to describe a woman 0:03:34.600 --> 0:03:38.360 that gives off feminine and energy, But I think versus 0:03:39.200 --> 0:03:41.400 what it looks like on the exterior, those are things 0:03:41.400 --> 0:03:43.520 that you can do to kind of exude that, but 0:03:43.560 --> 0:03:45.640 it really is about how you feel on the inside. 0:03:46.080 --> 0:03:47.280 Do you feel like a woman? 0:03:47.400 --> 0:03:50.440 Are you doing things to take care of yourself and 0:03:50.480 --> 0:03:52.480 make yourself feel like a lady. 0:03:52.600 --> 0:03:54.640 You know, I did an episode called. 0:03:54.520 --> 0:03:58.960 The Soft Life, and that was where I was starting 0:03:58.960 --> 0:04:01.840 to tap back into my feminine energy because I was 0:04:01.880 --> 0:04:04.920 just tired of being so hard all the time. You know, 0:04:05.040 --> 0:04:07.800 I'm a tomboy at heart, but I knew that there 0:04:07.840 --> 0:04:10.080 was a time where I needed to really soften up 0:04:10.120 --> 0:04:14.520 a bit. And as women, and if you're dating someone 0:04:15.120 --> 0:04:17.200 or if you're even still single, you want to try 0:04:17.200 --> 0:04:19.080 to tap into that just so that you can. 0:04:22.040 --> 0:04:23.919 Really just feel what that feels like. 0:04:24.560 --> 0:04:27.240 I would say, you want to know how you can 0:04:27.279 --> 0:04:30.240 tap back into that. I would say, start doing more 0:04:30.279 --> 0:04:37.520 self care routines. I would say be with someone who 0:04:37.560 --> 0:04:39.600 makes you feel safe, because a lot of times, if 0:04:39.600 --> 0:04:44.080 we don't feel safe from relationships, we may feel like 0:04:44.120 --> 0:04:46.760 we can't let that wall down and let our guard down. 0:04:47.360 --> 0:04:49.880 So I would say that, and I would also say, 0:04:53.520 --> 0:04:57.240 just really take time to get to know yourself and 0:04:57.279 --> 0:04:57.880 love on you. 0:04:58.800 --> 0:05:03.200 Yeah, Hope felt, and thank you. Thank you so much 0:05:03.200 --> 0:05:13.720 for writing in. All right, let's see who else right now? Hey, 0:05:13.839 --> 0:05:14.800 my name is Lisa. 0:05:15.520 --> 0:05:18.240 I saw on Instagram a while ago that you wanted 0:05:18.240 --> 0:05:20.000 people to send their questions and you wanted them to 0:05:20.040 --> 0:05:22.719 stand in like topics for kIPS, and I figured, why not. 0:05:23.640 --> 0:05:25.600 So I'm going to take a second to be transparent. 0:05:27.000 --> 0:05:29.520 I'm in a very very peculiar season with God, like 0:05:30.200 --> 0:05:34.159 very isolating season, very lonely and misunderstood season. If I'm 0:05:34.160 --> 0:05:36.040 being honest. 0:05:35.760 --> 0:05:36.799 I'm being stretched. 0:05:37.000 --> 0:05:40.440 I don't really understand the purpose of the stretch, and 0:05:40.480 --> 0:05:42.920 I don't know to what capacity I'm going to be stretched, 0:05:42.960 --> 0:05:46.760 but like I'm being pulled. And so when I first 0:05:46.800 --> 0:05:49.440 walked into the season, I knew that I needed support, 0:05:49.520 --> 0:05:53.320 but I did understand the season. And so my therapist 0:05:53.360 --> 0:05:56.160 cr and I like never miss a week, and I 0:05:56.279 --> 0:05:58.680 was like, I need to like reflect, like I need 0:05:58.720 --> 0:06:00.600 to self reflect, and like I I need to just 0:06:00.720 --> 0:06:04.320 like figure out what the season is. And so after 0:06:04.320 --> 0:06:07.080 a few sessions, I realized that there were some people 0:06:07.120 --> 0:06:08.720 and some relationships that I was going to have to 0:06:08.800 --> 0:06:12.480 let go of, and I wasn't necessarily ready to do 0:06:12.520 --> 0:06:15.120 that or even deal with the aftermath. And so I 0:06:15.160 --> 0:06:17.919 told God, I was like, I hear you, Like, I 0:06:17.960 --> 0:06:20.640 see the people I'm supposed to walk away from, But 0:06:20.760 --> 0:06:22.880 can we do that after I get through the season, 0:06:22.920 --> 0:06:24.800 because I already feel like, there's a lot going on, 0:06:24.960 --> 0:06:28.200 and he was like, all right back. Within the next 0:06:28.240 --> 0:06:31.880 few weeks, the bottom fell out. Mad relationships around me 0:06:31.920 --> 0:06:34.960 started to go left. I started to see people's true intentions. 0:06:35.440 --> 0:06:39.440 I started to notice relationships that weren't reciprocal. I started 0:06:39.480 --> 0:06:42.640 to see people that I held safe space for not 0:06:42.760 --> 0:06:45.360 hold safe space for me, not be able to hear me. 0:06:45.600 --> 0:06:49.160 They weren't listening to me, they couldn't see me, and 0:06:49.240 --> 0:06:53.160 they were choosing not to be there for me, And 0:06:53.440 --> 0:06:56.560 that in itself was heartbreaking. And so my question is, 0:06:57.040 --> 0:06:59.839 how do you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable 0:07:00.000 --> 0:07:03.760 again after a friendship heartbreak? How do you trust your 0:07:03.760 --> 0:07:08.600 own judgment to make and find new friends? And then, 0:07:08.640 --> 0:07:11.920 at this age in Atlanta, how do you make new friends? 0:07:12.080 --> 0:07:12.200 Like? 0:07:12.360 --> 0:07:15.040 How do you start to create bonds and connections with 0:07:15.240 --> 0:07:18.320 people who may already be around you and you feel 0:07:18.400 --> 0:07:19.960 like you want them to be a part of your 0:07:20.040 --> 0:07:23.640 village and you feel like they are people you want 0:07:23.680 --> 0:07:25.600 to be around, but you don't want the connections to 0:07:25.680 --> 0:07:29.000 seem like it's being forced or it's not genuine. 0:07:29.200 --> 0:07:30.920 So how do you. 0:07:30.960 --> 0:07:35.880 Navigate recovery friendship recovery after a friendship breakup? 0:07:36.640 --> 0:07:40.640 Where do you start? What do you do? What it 0:07:40.680 --> 0:07:43.880 is that? So it's to thank you so much for 0:07:43.920 --> 0:07:46.920 writing in when I Wow. 0:07:47.040 --> 0:07:49.200 You asked you touched on a lot of things, a 0:07:49.200 --> 0:07:53.400 lot of things that I've been through myself, as far 0:07:53.440 --> 0:07:54.559 as a stretching season. 0:07:54.600 --> 0:07:55.320 We're going to start there. 0:07:55.360 --> 0:07:57.960 You talked about how you feel like you were being stretched, 0:07:57.960 --> 0:08:00.240 and you were, you were in a very peculiar season. 0:08:00.080 --> 0:08:00.600 Of your life. 0:08:01.080 --> 0:08:07.240 And I had a season in my life where I 0:08:07.360 --> 0:08:09.280 definitely was being stretched and I did not know what 0:08:09.320 --> 0:08:11.440 God was preparing me for. Things are happening and I 0:08:11.480 --> 0:08:13.760 was like, Lord, what is this? Why are you taking 0:08:13.800 --> 0:08:15.680 me down this road? And why are you connect me 0:08:15.720 --> 0:08:17.440 with these people? This has nothing to do with what 0:08:17.520 --> 0:08:20.559 I want to do? And I couldn't see it because 0:08:20.600 --> 0:08:21.960 I didn't know what was to come. 0:08:22.000 --> 0:08:28.160 But God did. And I remember it was a point 0:08:28.200 --> 0:08:34.600 where I was a costumer working on what show is it? 0:08:34.920 --> 0:08:36.680 I want to say if loving you is wrong? 0:08:37.240 --> 0:08:40.840 And the having to have nots and the costume designer 0:08:40.880 --> 0:08:42.839 at the time would always like have me right there 0:08:42.880 --> 0:08:46.520 with her and the responsibilities that were being put on me. 0:08:46.679 --> 0:08:48.600 I didn't understand why because it was well, but my 0:08:48.600 --> 0:08:52.200 pay grade and it was not. It was it didn't 0:08:52.440 --> 0:08:56.839 align with my actual job description. I had no idea 0:08:56.880 --> 0:08:59.959 what was ahead of me. But sometimes God will take 0:09:00.000 --> 0:09:02.959 thank you through things in a point or assign people 0:09:02.960 --> 0:09:06.040 to you because he knows what's coming up. And within 0:09:06.760 --> 0:09:08.880 a few months after that, I ended up getting a 0:09:08.920 --> 0:09:10.240 call to be the costume designer. 0:09:10.520 --> 0:09:12.360 Everything I had learned through that. 0:09:12.400 --> 0:09:13.880 Season where I was like, oh my gosh, this is 0:09:13.920 --> 0:09:15.680 just so much like I just want to come to 0:09:15.720 --> 0:09:18.080 work and do my job, but in that season, she 0:09:18.200 --> 0:09:20.720 was teaching me so much and I would do it 0:09:20.760 --> 0:09:23.120 just because that was my boss. But I didn't understand 0:09:23.200 --> 0:09:26.559 it until later on when God revealed what he had 0:09:26.600 --> 0:09:30.240 in store for me. So whenever there are seasons where 0:09:30.240 --> 0:09:32.120 I feel like I'm being stretched, I always know that 0:09:32.160 --> 0:09:35.040 it's God working for something that is for my good 0:09:35.120 --> 0:09:36.760 and I may not know exactly what it is. And 0:09:36.800 --> 0:09:39.880 I love that you took time to do some self reflecting. 0:09:39.960 --> 0:09:40.680 I love that your. 0:09:40.640 --> 0:09:44.160 Therapist said, hey, let's take a beat here and let's 0:09:44.200 --> 0:09:47.520 reflect on some things. And when you do that, sometimes 0:09:47.559 --> 0:09:49.560 you may not always find the answer and the reflection. 0:09:50.240 --> 0:09:54.120 Sometimes it's later on after time has passed, where you're like, ah, 0:09:54.280 --> 0:09:59.840 I realized why that happened, as it pertains to heal 0:09:59.880 --> 0:10:06.080 it from friendships that have ended. I did an episode 0:10:06.080 --> 0:10:12.240 called Pershing Season where I saw that, you know, saying 0:10:12.320 --> 0:10:15.400 certain people in my life were not for me, and 0:10:15.480 --> 0:10:16.280 it was I had to do. 0:10:16.360 --> 0:10:18.920 I had a very reflective. 0:10:18.960 --> 0:10:22.440 Season and then I also do inventory, not just of people, 0:10:22.520 --> 0:10:27.560 but of myself as well. And things had ended with 0:10:27.600 --> 0:10:31.960 a few people, and I I will say, it's a 0:10:32.040 --> 0:10:34.920 very lonely place to be in it is. 0:10:34.960 --> 0:10:35.840 I'm very guarded. 0:10:35.920 --> 0:10:38.160 So when it comes to making new friends, I'm not 0:10:38.240 --> 0:10:40.760 the one that's just like, hey, my name is Chris, 0:10:40.840 --> 0:10:41.760 I want to be your friend. 0:10:41.920 --> 0:10:43.280 Like it takes me while. 0:10:43.280 --> 0:10:45.720 I'm big on energy, I'm big on vibes, so it 0:10:45.720 --> 0:10:49.680 takes me a minute to really let people in. And 0:10:49.720 --> 0:10:54.800 when it came to ending that, it took years before 0:10:54.800 --> 0:10:57.600 I wasn't like you where it was just a okay, God, 0:10:57.640 --> 0:10:59.880 let me get through this season and then I'll figure 0:10:59.920 --> 0:11:02.640 that out. It took me years to like I would 0:11:02.679 --> 0:11:05.200 see little signs here and there, and then finally I 0:11:05.240 --> 0:11:07.760 was like, you know what, all right, this is too much. 0:11:08.280 --> 0:11:10.160 Let's go ahead, and these are things I need to 0:11:10.160 --> 0:11:13.480 cut out of my life. But by that time, you're 0:11:13.520 --> 0:11:17.160 so invested that it hurts even more. So I'm glad 0:11:17.200 --> 0:11:18.920 that you I hate at the bottom, he said, the 0:11:18.920 --> 0:11:21.240 bottom just fell out and everything was revealed. 0:11:21.640 --> 0:11:23.760 Sometimes God has to shake things up. 0:11:23.840 --> 0:11:26.680 That happened to be in a relationship where it was 0:11:26.760 --> 0:11:31.280 so toxic and God I talked about on my Sisterhood 0:11:31.280 --> 0:11:36.280 episode where it really really got bad, and God was like, 0:11:36.360 --> 0:11:39.199 I knew that if you stayed in this, I had 0:11:39.200 --> 0:11:40.880 to make it bad enough so that you would leave 0:11:40.920 --> 0:11:44.160 because where I'm taking you, he can't go. And we 0:11:44.160 --> 0:11:46.120 don't want God and have to shake things up cause 0:11:46.120 --> 0:11:48.400 we don't like that. When it gets to that point, 0:11:48.440 --> 0:11:51.760 he got to shake the table. It was definitely gonna 0:11:51.800 --> 0:11:54.160 be a little after math and something that we've got 0:11:54.160 --> 0:11:56.000 to recover from. 0:11:56.080 --> 0:11:57.239 So I would say. 0:11:58.480 --> 0:12:01.440 When it comes to making new friends after having to 0:12:01.520 --> 0:12:04.480 lose people and let people go, I would say, be 0:12:04.600 --> 0:12:05.960 open to it, but don't force it. 0:12:06.440 --> 0:12:07.319 Do not force it. 0:12:08.320 --> 0:12:10.080 They're like you said that maybe people that's already in 0:12:10.120 --> 0:12:12.199 your life it's you kind of like, hmmm, I kind 0:12:12.200 --> 0:12:13.360 of like them. I do want them to be in 0:12:13.360 --> 0:12:16.000 my circle. Just maybe say hey, would you like to 0:12:16.000 --> 0:12:17.920 go grab some dinner? I have a friend that I 0:12:18.040 --> 0:12:20.440 knew from the gym. We didn't have a personal relationship, 0:12:20.840 --> 0:12:23.360 but we ended up going out to eat and we 0:12:23.440 --> 0:12:26.000 are like this close, like that's my girl. 0:12:26.440 --> 0:12:28.000 But it all started with just say, hey. 0:12:27.920 --> 0:12:30.200 Would you like to go have dinner or go grab lunch, 0:12:30.280 --> 0:12:31.040 or go get some coffee. 0:12:31.040 --> 0:12:33.080 I don't drink coffee, but maybe you do. That's what 0:12:33.120 --> 0:12:33.520 people do. 0:12:34.480 --> 0:12:36.839 Go get some coffee or tea or whatever your thing 0:12:37.000 --> 0:12:38.840 is and just get to know people. 0:12:39.320 --> 0:12:41.640 But that doesn't have to be a I'm forcing a friendship. 0:12:41.720 --> 0:12:43.600 You know, you can just feel people out, spend time 0:12:43.640 --> 0:12:47.520 with them, and see what people's energy speak to your spirit, 0:12:47.559 --> 0:12:50.600 because your spirit will never let you down. Just listen 0:12:50.640 --> 0:12:53.839 to your gut, follow that intuition, and you'll know how 0:12:53.920 --> 0:12:54.840 who the right people are. 0:12:54.880 --> 0:12:55.560 Letting your life. 0:12:55.920 --> 0:12:58.960 Okay, that's the luck with everything. Just know that in 0:12:59.000 --> 0:13:01.680 this lonely season and it doesn't last forever. 0:13:01.960 --> 0:13:04.600 Learn to be happy by yourself. That's another thing I 0:13:04.640 --> 0:13:05.080 had to learn. 0:13:05.240 --> 0:13:06.960 Learn to be happy by yourself because a lot of 0:13:07.000 --> 0:13:10.560 times people they need somebody to be attached to. If 0:13:10.600 --> 0:13:12.760 you get to a space where you can literally just 0:13:12.800 --> 0:13:16.280 be by yourself, that's when you really find true happiness 0:13:16.320 --> 0:13:18.680 and then anything else that comes along is just a bonus. 0:13:19.040 --> 0:13:21.640 All right, Thank you Julisa for writing it. Thank you 0:13:21.679 --> 0:13:23.839 so much for tuning in the keep a positive sweetie. 0:13:24.040 --> 0:13:28.920 Love you all right, guys, let's see who we have next. 0:13:32.840 --> 0:13:34.960 Good morning, Crystal. I'm a funny seven year old woman 0:13:35.040 --> 0:13:37.680 who feels lost. I have everything I could ever want 0:13:37.800 --> 0:13:40.400 except for love. I have a nice home in a 0:13:40.480 --> 0:13:43.559 nice neighborhood, a nice car, and I'm a college graduate 0:13:43.640 --> 0:13:46.200 with a decent job. I've always been a single mother. 0:13:46.440 --> 0:13:48.559 My daughter is twenty seven and her dad just recently 0:13:48.559 --> 0:13:51.320 passed away. They had a great relationship, although he was 0:13:51.360 --> 0:13:53.560 in and out of jail. I've never kept her from him. 0:13:53.920 --> 0:13:56.800 My son is sixteen. His father passed away when he 0:13:56.880 --> 0:13:59.800 was one years old. I have another daughter who's twenty nine, 0:14:00.120 --> 0:14:02.080 race touched since she was two years old. I have 0:14:02.200 --> 0:14:05.880 six sisters and six brothers. Yeah, a huge family. But anyways, 0:14:05.920 --> 0:14:08.600 the reason I'm writing is because I literally have everything, 0:14:09.320 --> 0:14:12.080 my own everything, but for some reason, I can't find love. 0:14:12.320 --> 0:14:14.840 I've been in about four serious relationships, with my last 0:14:14.840 --> 0:14:17.080 one less than four years. I feel like I don't 0:14:17.080 --> 0:14:19.320 want to be dating just to be dating. I want more. 0:14:19.720 --> 0:14:22.200 I go to church, I listen and I read the word. 0:14:22.360 --> 0:14:24.480 I know God has a plan for me, and I 0:14:24.520 --> 0:14:27.280 know he wants to bring me happiness. I don't question God. 0:14:27.680 --> 0:14:32.520 So I've been patiently waiting my sis. I'm sorry, when 0:14:32.560 --> 0:14:35.320 will my boys come? Because I'm sick of his cousins. 0:14:35.400 --> 0:14:39.600 Y'all know broke ass, poe ass don't have a job ass. Yeah, 0:14:39.680 --> 0:14:43.040 well that I just needed some advice we should think 0:14:43.120 --> 0:14:47.320 I should do, she. 0:14:47.320 --> 0:14:52.880 Said Tyler broke ass. She wants her boass since it's tired. 0:14:53.840 --> 0:14:56.840 Since I feel you, I've been in your situation. Oh 0:14:56.880 --> 0:15:02.400 my goodness. You mentioned that you have a nice house, 0:15:02.520 --> 0:15:05.320 you live in a nice neighborhood, you have a nice car, 0:15:05.480 --> 0:15:09.800 you do really well for yourself, and as a woman, 0:15:09.960 --> 0:15:16.120 you sound very independent. I can speak to my experience 0:15:16.120 --> 0:15:22.360 when it comes to that. One is in the past. 0:15:23.040 --> 0:15:26.840 I've dated men that feel like, Okay, yeah, I love 0:15:27.120 --> 0:15:29.920 I got a girl that's got something going on, and 0:15:30.000 --> 0:15:33.760 everything is great until they like really kind of see everything. 0:15:33.760 --> 0:15:37.560 They're like, ooh, this is intimidating. So depending on the 0:15:37.560 --> 0:15:39.880 type of men that you are attracting, they may be 0:15:40.000 --> 0:15:42.920 intimidated by all the things that you have, you know, 0:15:42.960 --> 0:15:44.920 maybe they don't find they can measure up to it. 0:15:45.640 --> 0:15:47.640 Some people feel like this may be too much for 0:15:47.680 --> 0:15:50.080 them to afford, or that they don't want to commit 0:15:50.120 --> 0:15:54.240 to that. And you're a beautiful woman, so I'm sure 0:15:54.240 --> 0:15:57.360 off top they're attracted to you, but then they realize, Wow, 0:15:57.400 --> 0:15:59.320 this is a lot of upkeep, and I have to 0:15:59.360 --> 0:16:01.880 if she's our set in the standard here, I have 0:16:02.000 --> 0:16:04.880 to exceed that. And to some men, not all, but 0:16:04.960 --> 0:16:09.240 to some men that is intimidating. I would also say, 0:16:09.240 --> 0:16:12.720 I don't know if you do this, but if you 0:16:12.800 --> 0:16:15.600 go into relationships or bring up all the things you 0:16:15.640 --> 0:16:16.920 had because you opened up with. 0:16:17.080 --> 0:16:19.120 I have this, I have that, I have this, I 0:16:19.160 --> 0:16:22.280 have that don't. 0:16:22.840 --> 0:16:25.880 Sometimes it can come off as you're like materialistic or 0:16:25.880 --> 0:16:28.760 that you're wanting that person to come in and be 0:16:28.760 --> 0:16:31.960 able to provide all these things, when relationships are so 0:16:32.080 --> 0:16:35.440 much more than the tangible things, and that may be 0:16:35.480 --> 0:16:37.360 a part of the reason why you're not having something 0:16:37.400 --> 0:16:40.200 that you can really hold on to. So I would say, 0:16:41.920 --> 0:16:44.400 take away what you have, take that off the table, 0:16:46.160 --> 0:16:50.160 and really, like, find somebody that knows your worth, you know. 0:16:50.200 --> 0:16:53.160 Tyler Tyler Perry has a quote that says, meet me 0:16:53.320 --> 0:16:57.520 at my worth, And what that means is not meet 0:16:57.560 --> 0:16:59.480 me at the type of house I have, meet me 0:16:59.520 --> 0:17:00.840 at my bank account, meet me. 0:17:00.800 --> 0:17:02.480 At the type of car I have my garage. 0:17:02.640 --> 0:17:05.040 It's meet me at my heart, meet me at how 0:17:05.080 --> 0:17:08.760 I value myself, you know. And I had mistaken that, 0:17:08.840 --> 0:17:11.200 And I think a lot of times successful women we 0:17:11.400 --> 0:17:14.040 go into it because it's been put in our heads 0:17:14.040 --> 0:17:16.560 that you need to find somebody that is either equal 0:17:16.560 --> 0:17:17.840 to you or doing better than you. 0:17:18.400 --> 0:17:20.520 And that's not always a case, you know. 0:17:22.440 --> 0:17:26.160 And I've seen a lot of failed, failed relationships because 0:17:26.359 --> 0:17:28.520 we go after it looking for the wrong thing, and 0:17:28.560 --> 0:17:32.320 we miss an amazing man in the process. So I 0:17:32.359 --> 0:17:36.920 would say, really, hone in on those characteristics that you're 0:17:36.920 --> 0:17:39.919 really looking for in a man. Look at you do 0:17:39.960 --> 0:17:42.119 some inventory, look at the type of man that you're attracting, 0:17:42.600 --> 0:17:45.600 because I know, for me, I used to attract a certain. 0:17:45.320 --> 0:17:45.840 Type of man. 0:17:46.440 --> 0:17:47.840 This I wanted, you know what I'm saying, That's what 0:17:47.880 --> 0:17:50.000 I wanted, and I end up with my heartbroken every 0:17:50.040 --> 0:17:53.800 single time, no matter how many years it lasted, I 0:17:53.800 --> 0:17:56.280 always realized, dang, I'm attracting the same type of person, 0:17:56.480 --> 0:17:58.919 you know, And I on paper, they look great, But 0:17:58.920 --> 0:18:01.840 then when it comes to can can you speak to 0:18:01.840 --> 0:18:05.000 me intelligently? Can you touch me in those type of ways? 0:18:05.000 --> 0:18:07.080 Can you get to my mind? Do you make me 0:18:07.119 --> 0:18:09.760 feel safe? Do you look me in my eyes when 0:18:09.800 --> 0:18:13.880 we talk? Do you have a relationship with God? Are 0:18:13.880 --> 0:18:16.159 you the type of person I can talk to about 0:18:16.240 --> 0:18:20.040 therapy that I can go to church with on Sundays 0:18:20.040 --> 0:18:22.280 and sit down and have those conversations about what the 0:18:22.320 --> 0:18:24.639 pastor talked about and apply it to our lives. These 0:18:24.640 --> 0:18:26.560 are things that are so important to me, but I 0:18:26.600 --> 0:18:28.280 was missing it because I was looking for the man 0:18:28.359 --> 0:18:30.840 that had the money, had the house, had the car, 0:18:31.119 --> 0:18:32.879 had everything that I had, and I was And you 0:18:32.920 --> 0:18:34.399 can have all those things, you know, Like I've been 0:18:34.400 --> 0:18:36.560 blessed to have somebody who has all those things, but 0:18:36.600 --> 0:18:38.760 he also gives me the other things I need. 0:18:38.800 --> 0:18:40.320 And that's what you have to focus on. 0:18:40.920 --> 0:18:44.760 So I think a lot of times we life is 0:18:44.840 --> 0:18:48.080 gonna be good relationships and bad relationships. 0:18:48.200 --> 0:18:49.240 That's just life. 0:18:49.480 --> 0:18:52.160 But when you wanna find something that you really can 0:18:52.200 --> 0:18:54.639 hold on to, you gotta really wait on God to 0:18:54.680 --> 0:18:55.800 bring that person to you. 0:18:56.280 --> 0:18:56.800 I know. 0:18:58.600 --> 0:19:01.280 I went through a drought like a few years where 0:19:01.280 --> 0:19:03.640 it was just like I wasn't dating anyone. I wasn't 0:19:03.680 --> 0:19:07.440 really going out either. And I always say to put 0:19:07.480 --> 0:19:10.520 yourself in places where you know the type of man 0:19:10.560 --> 0:19:13.119 that you need, cause sometimes what we want is women 0:19:13.200 --> 0:19:14.000 is not what we need. 0:19:14.280 --> 0:19:15.280 It's not good for us. 0:19:15.720 --> 0:19:18.960 So put yourself in places where the type of your 0:19:19.200 --> 0:19:22.159 type of man that you need would actually come to 0:19:22.680 --> 0:19:24.760 so that you have a better chance of meeting someone 0:19:24.840 --> 0:19:26.600 that's good, that can really feed your soul and you 0:19:26.640 --> 0:19:28.919 can feed his vice versa. 0:19:31.480 --> 0:19:39.040 What else I would say, don't go like just looking 0:19:39.119 --> 0:19:39.520 for it. 0:19:39.640 --> 0:19:42.600 You know, a lot of times I found that when 0:19:43.080 --> 0:19:45.200 I'm least expecting it, that's when it comes. 0:19:45.359 --> 0:19:45.600 You know. 0:19:46.600 --> 0:19:50.000 Focus on doing self work, focus on figuring out, hey, 0:19:50.000 --> 0:19:51.680 what is it that I need to work on, you know, 0:19:51.920 --> 0:19:54.119 cause it may a lot of times as women, we 0:19:54.160 --> 0:19:56.840 don't realize we're the problem too, you know, And they're 0:19:56.840 --> 0:19:58.439 sayings that we need to work on so that our 0:19:58.760 --> 0:20:02.120 our men do feel safe, especially our black men. They 0:20:02.119 --> 0:20:03.680 already have to go out to the world to fight 0:20:03.800 --> 0:20:07.000