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Speaker 4: to she Pivots. I'm your host, Emily Tish Sussman. One
Speaker 4: of my goals in starting this podcast is to highlight
Speaker 4: voices and stories of women who went through something deeply personal,
Speaker 4: only to come out of it on the other side
Speaker 4: better than they could have imagined and after launching she
Speaker 4: Pivots last year. It's clear this is not a small group.
Speaker 4: This applies to most women, whether it's a big pivot
Speaker 4: or maybe just a tiny pivot. What's clear is there's
Speaker 4: a lot of unpacking to do around pivoting. So as
Speaker 4: we're continuing to build this platform and community through new episodes,
Speaker 4: I also want to bring you more stories, unfiltered and honest.
Speaker 4: So I'll be sitting down with even more women, maybe
Speaker 4: the occasional man who have mastered their own pivot, maybe
Speaker 4: they're just starting their pivoting journey, or just have something
Speaker 4: to teach us about the deeply personal moments of life.
Speaker 4: So stay tuned for more of these candid conversations this season.
Speaker 4: Let's jump right in.
Speaker 5: Today.
Speaker 6: If you are a mom and you are online, there
Speaker 6: is no way you don't know about this guest doctor Becky.
Speaker 6: I feel like has revolutionized the world of mom influencing
Speaker 6: from a educated place, like of information that we really
Speaker 6: need and use. But her advice is like truly changing
Speaker 6: the way me my friends are thinking about parenting.
Speaker 7: What I posted that even on my personal Instagram that
Speaker 7: I was interviewing today, the response that I got from
Speaker 7: moms that I know, they were so excited and wanted
Speaker 7: to know what I was going to ask you, and
Speaker 7: I promised I was going to ask about your hair
Speaker 7: also because.
Speaker 4: We have hair questions. Yeah, we'll get there.
Speaker 7: But what was actually so interesting to me was the
Speaker 7: variety of backgrounds of moms that I know. It was
Speaker 7: not one model like it was, you know, like one
Speaker 7: type of person. It was like across the board.
Speaker 4: Moms that I know said, oh my god, I look
Speaker 4: to her like they have. People have a really intense
Speaker 4: relationship with you. I think the biggest takeaway for me
Speaker 4: do you feel that? Yeah?
Speaker 5: I feel that in a couple of ways. Like number one,
Speaker 5: I remember when my Instagram account started getting larger and
Speaker 5: then someone from Instagram and Facebook reached out, because when
Speaker 5: you get to a certain size, you're like, hey, do
Speaker 5: you have questions. It was so nice actually, and they
Speaker 5: actually said, you know, I just want to let you
Speaker 5: know your parenting focused account is totally different than anyone else,
Speaker 5: is based on your global community. Our Instagram followers, I
Speaker 5: think are sixty percent United States, forty percent outside, so
Speaker 5: it is so global. And then when we launched our membership,
Speaker 5: the thing that I'm proudest of is in under a week,
Speaker 5: we had members from every continent, not Antarctica. Okay, so
Speaker 5: still not Antarctica. I am hoping there's someone, okay, but
Speaker 5: under a week. It's just there's something I think so
Speaker 5: global about our searching for goodness and strength and compassion,
Speaker 5: and the way that I think we know that to
Speaker 5: really show up is the parent we want to be. Yes,
Speaker 5: we need things for our kids, we really need things
Speaker 5: for ourselves. It's really like a journey as well. And
Speaker 5: I think that that's speaking to people and in terms
Speaker 5: of other feeling it when I meet people on the
Speaker 5: street and they come up to me, I mean, I
Speaker 5: really do. I love it, Like I feel I'm so
Speaker 5: used to as a psychologist having one to one, so
Speaker 5: having me talking to like the ether, like knowing that
Speaker 5: there actually are real humans on the other side and
Speaker 5: seeing them and meeting hearing their names of their kids,
Speaker 5: like I really actually appreciate it. It feels much more
Speaker 5: like me than this version of a relationship.
Speaker 7: Yeah, well, if you weren't true, if there were real people,
Speaker 7: I'm assuming that means that you were not on Twitter,
Speaker 7: because that is not real people.
Speaker 4: That is like, oh my god, don't even that.
Speaker 5: It still confuses me. I'm trying to build up on Twitter.
Speaker 5: It has not been us successful, so working on it.
Speaker 7: Okay, So we've got a couple ask for our audience
Speaker 7: so far, I who know someone in the Antarctica, get
Speaker 7: them in. We did and subscribed, and we need to
Speaker 7: follow Becky on Twitter. That's our first fun.
Speaker 4: Okay. But this is a business show, so I actually
Speaker 4: want to cycle back a little bit and go to
Speaker 4: the business of I'm also at my friend's house at
Speaker 4: a Valentine's Day party, so we are in her baby's room.
Speaker 4: So I want to back up a little bit and
Speaker 4: talk about the business of your structure. So start with
Speaker 4: us from the beginning. You are a psychologistst the doctor
Speaker 4: is not. You're not like a witch doctor, like you're
Speaker 4: a real doctor. What did your practice look like at
Speaker 4: that point, and what brought you onto Instagram?
Speaker 5: Yeah? I love talking about it. There's so many things
Speaker 5: I want to do with good inside, but one of
Speaker 5: them really has changed the narrative for women around, like
Speaker 5: the things that we can be seen for, and business
Speaker 5: is a big part of it. So yes, I'm a
Speaker 5: clinical psychologist. The doctor is a PhD. So I can't
Speaker 5: prescribe medicines. I'm not a psychiatrist, which is kind of
Speaker 5: a doctor who specializes in struggles and feelings, but from
Speaker 5: a more medicalized perspective. So I got my PhD in
Speaker 5: clinical psychology from Columbia really because when I realized in
Speaker 5: college I can make a career out of getting to
Speaker 5: know people, I was like, Oh, that's my favorite thing
Speaker 5: to do. Anyway, I guess that as a job, that's
Speaker 5: that's great, right, So I mean.
Speaker 4: I feel the same way right here, by the way, right.
Speaker 5: And So I then had a private practice and I
Speaker 5: started working with parents in addition to working with adults
Speaker 5: who might be parents, but somewhere in intensive psychotherapy, right,
Speaker 5: I used to work with kids, but I actually realized
Speaker 5: I liked working with the parents in parenting sessions better
Speaker 5: than the play therapy itself. And I always felt like
Speaker 5: I could have real impact there. And what I noticed
Speaker 5: is wait, the par dying for parenting and what we're
Speaker 5: taught timeouts, punishments, like all this stuff is completely at
Speaker 5: odds with the way I work with adults in therapy
Speaker 5: to kind of rewire and you know, have lives that
Speaker 5: they feel good about. This can't be the way I
Speaker 5: just it struck me like no, And so then I realized, well,
Speaker 5: what if I took all the ideas that I know
Speaker 5: really help adults in therapy and kind of repackage them
Speaker 5: and reverse engineered them to parents so we could give
Speaker 5: those ideas to kids early while they were kind of
Speaker 5: wiring their bodies and brains. And that left in a
Speaker 5: ton of writing, right because I was like, I was
Speaker 5: like writing all these ideas and then I was talking
Speaker 5: my husband's dear about it. Every night. I'd be like
Speaker 5: doing parenting group, sharing thisess and honestly, one day he's like,
Speaker 5: I know this really lights you up inside. That's amazing,
Speaker 5: but like maybe write them down I kind of watch
Speaker 5: a show or like do something else every night, And
Speaker 5: so I did, and then I realized I had all
Speaker 5: this writing, and then I was like what am I
Speaker 5: doing with this writing? And then I put it out
Speaker 5: on Instagram on February twenty eighth, twenty twenty. I didn't
Speaker 5: have a goal, I really didn't. All I knew was
Speaker 5: this stuff lights me up, these ideas. There's a better way.
Speaker 5: There's a way where we can both respect ourselves, respect
Speaker 5: our kids, we can help them grow. We could rethink
Speaker 5: the way we raise our kids while we re raise
Speaker 5: ourselves along the way, and I just floating out. So
Speaker 5: I don't know what my goal was, but I already
Speaker 5: had a full private practice. It wasn't to get referrals.
Speaker 5: But one thing led to the next, and then I'm
Speaker 5: sure there's other things we'll get to. But that's like
Speaker 5: this began.
Speaker 4: Do you remember what your first post was.
Speaker 5: I think it was high I'm doctor Becky. You know
Speaker 5: that's like what it was. It didn't do very well
Speaker 5: a cappelling, but it was something very, very simple. And
Speaker 5: then two weeks later New York City shut down and
Speaker 5: I live in New York City for COVID, and I
Speaker 5: remember exactly the post that went viral, and I remember
Speaker 5: I had two hundred followers exactly at the time, and
Speaker 5: I put out this post about how our kids will
Speaker 5: remember more about how their family homes felt during COVID
Speaker 5: than anything about COVID itself. Our kids are looking at
Speaker 5: us and learning how to respond to uncertainty. Let's wire
Speaker 5: them for resilience and not panicked. And then nine slides
Speaker 5: for like here's how, and that really struck a chord
Speaker 5: and went viral.
Speaker 4: I mean, I think I was sent that twenty five times.
Speaker 7: At that moment, your timing really you really answered to
Speaker 7: a moment of people. We had not been prepared to
Speaker 7: parent in that My kids at that point were two,
Speaker 7: three and three weeks old, and it was nothing but
Speaker 7: panic because we didn't know.
Speaker 4: There was just so much uncertainty. And to think that
Speaker 4: somebody was giving us something realistic and tangible think helped
Speaker 4: us because it did feel like for the first time
Speaker 4: I saw parenting advice for me. I know that's the
Speaker 4: perspective that you were trying to come from, but I thought,
Speaker 4: oh my god, like because I didn't really connect with
Speaker 4: my kids as babies, because it seemed a little bit
Speaker 4: too that's going to sound so selfish of me, but
Speaker 4: about them, And I was like, but I'm still a person,
Speaker 4: don't I exist? And so for someone to acknowledge that
Speaker 4: I was a participant in this definitely struck a chord
Speaker 4: with me. So what was your business trajectory at that point?
Speaker 5: I had so many ideas. I just wanted to get
Speaker 5: out there, and then there was this moment where I
Speaker 5: like realize, wait, I have so many more ideas about
Speaker 5: resilience and like, I can't capture it in twenty two
Speaker 5: hundred characters, which is an Instagram limit, you know, or
Speaker 5: in a carousel post. And so I guess I'm going
Speaker 5: to do a live event, right, And it was just me.
Speaker 5: It was like obviously quarantine and I had a small
Speaker 5: private practice two days a week. My kids like, there's
Speaker 5: so much going on, and I said, okay, how have
Speaker 5: I gone to live events before? I guess I've gotten
Speaker 5: tickets on event right, I'm going to sell something on
Speaker 5: event right, even though it's not like a concert. And
Speaker 5: then I realized people might want this after I'm going
Speaker 5: to record it. I'm going to make it like a
Speaker 5: private YouTube link. I'm then going to send that out
Speaker 5: or like I don't know, I just kind of put
Speaker 5: some things together. But even that started because I thought,
Speaker 5: I have a whole hour. I want to teach about
Speaker 5: resilience because I love Instagram and Instagram has been amazing
Speaker 5: to me. But one of the things I think, and
Speaker 5: I would say this directly to all parents, is just
Speaker 5: like if you if you met a surgeon who was
Speaker 5: telling you they want to learn a different type of
Speaker 5: surgery because whatever they're doing isn't working, and then you heard, well,
Speaker 5: I get my tips for surgery on Instagram, but it's
Speaker 5: not going as well as I want. I feel like
Speaker 5: i'd say, well, look, you sound busy, but that's not
Speaker 5: your fault, Like you can't learn a new surgery technique
Speaker 5: from a tip here and there. And I realized these
Speaker 5: Instagram moments like I have these tips here and there.
Speaker 5: But I really think in terms of arcs, I always
Speaker 5: think we have to understand before we intervene. We then
Speaker 5: have to translate understanding into practical strategies that are based
Speaker 5: on a deep understanding of the core problem. We always
Speaker 5: have to incorporate work for ourselves to manage our triggers,
Speaker 5: and then we have to go through specific tricky situations
Speaker 5: to make it real. Understanding strategies stuff for us real,
Speaker 5: like tricky situations. I can't do that on an Instagram post.
Speaker 5: And if you really want to deal with your kids
Speaker 5: rudeness or your triggers or they're anxiety or sleep, like,
Speaker 5: you need the arc. That's what I would say, you
Speaker 5: just need the whole arc, right, it's a story. And
Speaker 5: so then I started doing these like once a month
Speaker 5: on a different topic kind of workshops and I just
Speaker 5: love them. I was like, oh, and I see people's
Speaker 5: faces and their response and how different it felt. Mentor
Speaker 5: the end of twenty twenty, I connected with.
Speaker 4: Someone I went to grad school with.
Speaker 5: She's also a psychologist, and it's kind of non traditional,
Speaker 5: but the two of us as psychologist has said, like,
Speaker 5: we see a much bigger vision here, Like we knew
Speaker 5: we wanted to build what we always needed when we
Speaker 5: were parents of our youngest kids. Like parents have the
Speaker 5: hardest and most important job in the world, and in
Speaker 5: my mind, there's no other job that we say is
Speaker 5: hard and important where we don't give those people training
Speaker 5: and support, hard start, and so we really did, Like
Speaker 5: we got angry about it, and I love the feeling.
Speaker 5: Finger are most afraid of it. But A tells us
Speaker 5: what we need. It gives us that information and then
Speaker 5: we can move and do something with that. Like this
Speaker 5: is messed up because then women do something else. In parenting,
Speaker 5: they feel bad about themselves when things aren't They're yelling.
Speaker 5: They're like, oh, I'm the worst parent, right, Like we
Speaker 5: blame ourselves. We then don't talk to other people about it,
Speaker 5: and the whole cycle perpetuates. We're like, we want a
Speaker 5: platform that changes all of this, and Instagram tips I
Speaker 5: love them, that's not it. We need three things. We
Speaker 5: knew it from the beginning. We need content that actually
Speaker 5: speaks to us, that makes sense so we can learn.
Speaker 5: Like any training program, we need each other. We need
Speaker 5: an antisocial media space to talk about things that are real,
Speaker 5: and we need experts we trust. So we manualize my
Speaker 5: good inside approach. We have a clinical trainer, we have training,
Speaker 5: we have coaches. We then also knew we needed experts
Speaker 5: in ot and neurodiversity and other specialties, but who come
Speaker 5: from a good inside approach. So you weren't being told like, oh,
Speaker 5: do it a sticker chart and you're like, wait, that
Speaker 5: doesn't actually make sense to me. And we just wanted
Speaker 5: to put it all together, and so that really started
Speaker 5: January first, twenty twenty one. The podcast came out. Other
Speaker 5: things came out first, and we launched that last April.
Speaker 7: So that is your subscription membership model, right, So how
Speaker 7: does that work?
Speaker 4: So that's really interesting. I feel like this is a
Speaker 4: growing model of business for experts.
Speaker 7: Yeah, sort of the freebie of the social media brings
Speaker 7: new business, like new people inside. But this is an
Speaker 7: interesting growing field. I'm very interested how you structured this business.
Speaker 5: Yeah, so you know, we have so many different versions
Speaker 5: of like where people can get our guidance. So obviously Instagram,
Speaker 5: podcasted longer form. We have also a Thursday email. I
Speaker 5: hate calling it a newsletter because there's no like news
Speaker 5: in it, but to me, it's like just a long
Speaker 5: letter I write every week of like an idea. All
Speaker 5: of those are free to us. Giving information that brings
Speaker 5: AHA moments and real impactful change and making that as
Speaker 5: accessible as possible is really really important to us and
Speaker 5: is aligned with our mission of just empowering every parent
Speaker 5: who is looking for something slightly different. So that's all there. Then,
Speaker 5: when I think about our membership, I think fitness and
Speaker 5: eating have kind of been established at these things that
Speaker 5: people used to think of as like problems solution moments, okay,
Speaker 5: where they'd be like, oh, I haven't worked out in
Speaker 5: a while, I got to like get to the gym, right,
Speaker 5: or I have to lose ten pounds or right. But
Speaker 5: I think people know now weight it's not about losing weight,
Speaker 5: and it's not even about getting to the gym a
Speaker 5: certain time. It's like it feels good to some people
Speaker 5: to be in a fitness routine. It just feels good
Speaker 5: to ongoing do that you actually get less attached to
Speaker 5: the outcome and you kind of just get addicted to
Speaker 5: the feelings of being in the process. Same thing with food, right, Oh,
Speaker 5: I need to lose this waight. No, some of people
Speaker 5: are like, I love just eating in a way that like,
Speaker 5: I know, feels good in my body, right, Like, and
Speaker 5: I think we're parenting honestly, are bigger mission Emily with
Speaker 5: the membership is to start thinking about it that way,
Speaker 5: to get parents out of the mindset of Okay, there's
Speaker 5: a problem. What do I do that the tantrums are
Speaker 5: a mess sibling? Right, Okay? Because then I feel like
Speaker 5: we're just we're in whackable and it's a really anxiety
Speaker 5: provoking way to live.
Speaker 4: Right.
Speaker 5: What I hope and what our membership really gives people
Speaker 5: is every solution to problems. Do you have a problem,
Speaker 5: And I always say, we will bring you back to baseline,
Speaker 5: But most parents I know want to raise their baseline.
Speaker 5: I'm going to cry because raising your baseline doesn't happen
Speaker 5: when you have a problem. Raising your base happens when
Speaker 5: I'm like, you've kind of gotten a little bit of
Speaker 5: hold and now I can reflect more on myself. Now
Speaker 5: I get being more connected to my kid. Now I
Speaker 5: get to have that moment with my kid that's like
Speaker 5: ten seconds and we both know these moments that just
Speaker 5: felt so important, like I was reminded to do something right.
Speaker 5: And that's an ongoing practice, right, like you never really finished.
Speaker 5: Not to say you need to be a member for years,
Speaker 5: not to say it's so arduous, but I really love
Speaker 5: this idea of practicing, of being engaged with, you know,
Speaker 5: being a sturdy leader in your home. And that's why
Speaker 5: we kind of, you know, operate from that model.
Speaker 7: Well on the content piece, the good inside is at
Speaker 7: the core.
Speaker 4: I mean, it's the name of your book.
Speaker 7: It was like, you know, is it the core of
Speaker 7: everything that you talk about that your child is good inside?
Speaker 7: And it is just the behavior, which I think is
Speaker 7: I think a lot of parents need to hear in
Speaker 7: a lot of moments, I've definitely needed to hear it.
Speaker 7: I also feel like a big theme that I hear
Speaker 7: coming through a lot of your work is building resilience
Speaker 7: through children. Do you think do you see those as
Speaker 7: connected or as two different but important paths that we
Speaker 7: should be keeping in our minds when we're thinking about
Speaker 7: raising kids.
Speaker 5: Yeah, I think those are two, like what I would say,
Speaker 5: or like core principles or pillars, there's really ten. It's
Speaker 5: also like why I wrote the book. I don't even
Speaker 5: mention the book. The reason I wrote the book is
Speaker 5: I said, like, I do have an even bigger story
Speaker 5: to tell around the foundations that guide everything I talk about.
Speaker 5: And there's really ten. So whether you're talking about sleep, anxiety,
Speaker 5: sibling rival read, rudeness, tantrums, whatever, the problem is the
Speaker 5: interesting thing we hear from our members as well, Like
Speaker 5: I'm so getting versed in these principles that I see
Speaker 5: how they apply to like hear it's actually always the
Speaker 5: same thing. It sounds a little different my interventions, right,
Speaker 5: but it's like learning a language, right. And so when
Speaker 5: I think about good inside, let me say this first.
Speaker 5: We often as humans, like we collapse things really quickly.
Speaker 5: So someone will say, oh, so my kid's good inside,
Speaker 5: So it's just okay that he's like hitting his brother,
Speaker 5: Like no, definitely not Like I would never look at
Speaker 5: my kid and be like, oh, you're good inside, keep
Speaker 5: saying I hate you, get it out, I love it,
Speaker 5: I love it, Like that would never happen. Okay, But
Speaker 5: good inside is the idea of separating good internal identity
Speaker 5: from any given moment or behavior. Here's my identity, here's
Speaker 5: my behavior. This doesn't mean this is okay. It just
Speaker 5: means they're different. And actually, as soon as we say
Speaker 5: they're different, we can then intervene effectively to actually change behavior.
Speaker 5: That's the big eyn me right, because when I see
Speaker 5: my kids good inside, instead of saying you hit your brother,
Speaker 5: go to your room, why do you think you can
Speaker 5: act like this?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 5: I can act these things out because I say these
Speaker 5: things too, even though I don't want to. Let me
Speaker 5: just make that clear.
Speaker 4: I was like, I was like that one sounded familiar.
Speaker 5: Yes, right. My husband like sometimes sends me doctor Becky
Speaker 5: posts like you might you might want to watch. You
Speaker 5: might want to watch.
Speaker 4: Oh that's so rude. All that cuts so deep.
Speaker 5: But when I see good inside, I can say, hey,
Speaker 5: I'm not going to let you hit. Look, you're having
Speaker 5: a hard time. We're going to figure this out. I'm
Speaker 5: gonna help you. And then maybe the next day, when
Speaker 5: things are calmer, I may say it's really hard to
Speaker 5: play blocks with your brother. I know, it's so frustrating
Speaker 5: when you want something and don't have it ps. That's
Speaker 5: hard for us too. Nobody likes wanting and not having.
Speaker 4: I don't.
Speaker 5: So if I say that and I say, look, I'm
Speaker 5: gonna actually do something funny with you. I'm gonna play
Speaker 5: blocks with you. And I know these big ones are
Speaker 5: your favorite when you're building a fire station, I'm going
Speaker 5: to have them. I really am not going to give
Speaker 5: them to you, and that's going to be frustrating. And
Speaker 5: when you want them, we're going to practice together, taking
Speaker 5: a deep breath, putting our hands here they don't hit,
Speaker 5: moving away, and saying this is hard and I can
Speaker 5: deal with it. I'm kind of making this up. So
Speaker 5: but beeing my kid is good. Inside, I see see
Speaker 5: that they're not a bad kid. They actually are just
Speaker 5: missing a skill. And by realizing that the skills they
Speaker 5: need are managing emotions, I'm building resilience along the way.
Speaker 5: Because here's the big picture, and here's actually what I
Speaker 5: think I'm most proud of. It got inside and this
Speaker 5: is where my background really helps. I know the types
Speaker 5: of things in childhood that end up helping versus holding
Speaker 5: us back in adulthood. These are all the reasons people
Speaker 5: can't room now. I don't think most thirty year olds,
Speaker 5: although some are getting frustrated that someone else has their blocks. Okay,
Speaker 5: that's probably not concretely what's happening. But your circuit that
Speaker 5: you build for managing frustration around sharing blocks at age
Speaker 5: four is the same circuit in your body that will
Speaker 5: activate when there's traffic on the road. It's the same
Speaker 5: circuit that will activate when you don't get the job
Speaker 5: you want it. It's the same circuit that will activate
Speaker 5: that when you get to a restaurant and you're like, oh,
Speaker 5: I want the special and they say, oh, we're out.
Speaker 5: You don't have an adult tantrum. So the good inside
Speaker 5: of approach our strategies buy you wins in the future
Speaker 5: because you're spending time now building skills that are not
Speaker 5: only going to help today, but actually set your kid
Speaker 5: up to not have to do all of that rewiring
Speaker 5: that most of us have to do down on the line.
Speaker 5: To me, that's the ultimate gift I want to give
Speaker 5: my kids.
Speaker 4: I think that's huge. I mean, thinking about parenting to
Speaker 4: build good adults I think is actually quite different than
Speaker 4: the parenting advice of the last couple of years. I
Speaker 4: would say a better.
Speaker 7: Goal, but you know, I think a lot of it
Speaker 7: over the last couple of years has been how to
Speaker 7: deal in that actual moment, just to keep just to
Speaker 7: manage the situation, like just to get yourself out of
Speaker 7: that situation. And often the thing that gets you out
Speaker 7: of that situation does not build skills for your children
Speaker 7: ahead of time. And when you were talking about, you know,
Speaker 7: building the routine, whether it's food, whether it's exercise, whatever
Speaker 7: it is, I feel like I've had to build new
Speaker 7: skills myself as a parent because I had never been
Speaker 7: in any of these situations before. Like it was totally new,
Speaker 7: and I was thought to myself, Oh, I'm an accomplished adults,
Speaker 7: like I know how I could take this on.
Speaker 4: But no, that is ridiculous. I had never done it before.
Speaker 4: So I think the idea of building a routine, of
Speaker 4: having a coach who's thinking about an end outcome, I mean,
Speaker 4: that's how I would approach the work situation.
Speaker 5: Like that makes total sense exactly. So here's something I
Speaker 5: hear a lot from parents, but we say to our
Speaker 5: kids things like it's okay to be angry, it's not
Speaker 5: okay to hit right. Here's what I don't love about
Speaker 5: these those interventions they're purely logical, right, just like if
Speaker 5: someone I think I often think about basketball as a metaphor. Okay,
Speaker 5: let's say your kid couldn't make a layup and instead
Speaker 5: threw the ball out of bounds. Right if I said
Speaker 5: to my kid, it's not okay to throw the ball
Speaker 5: out of bounce, I don't think anyone would think that
Speaker 5: was Like the best coach, you'd be like, well, shouldn't
Speaker 5: you like practice what they what.
Speaker 4: They should do.
Speaker 5: We can't teach basketball through logic. We teach basketball through
Speaker 5: movement and practice, right and repetition. The workshop I did
Speaker 5: that was by far the most popular, honestly that I've
Speaker 5: ever done, was why punishments and timeouts don't work and
Speaker 5: what to do instead? Because I know parents want kids
Speaker 5: who are going to be resilient, and I get it
Speaker 5: they're worried. I totally get it. Like this feels soft
Speaker 5: to not like punish my kids. I don't want to
Speaker 5: raise kids one day are going to like, you know,
Speaker 5: not be able.
Speaker 4: To deal with life. Right.
Speaker 5: But the irony is if you watch your kids basketball, coach,
Speaker 5: say to them, you're not making layups, go to your room,
Speaker 5: go to your room, and you come back when you
Speaker 5: can make a layup I just don't know anyone and
Speaker 5: be like, that is an awesome coach, yep, any sense right?
Speaker 5: You want the coach to practice right. And you know
Speaker 5: the most powerful thing, EMILYE is like I love a
Speaker 5: good inside the company really how much we live. It's
Speaker 5: all the same principles as we talk to everyone else.
Speaker 5: It's about Okay, something didn't go well, what can we
Speaker 5: learn from it, How can we actually make a change,
Speaker 5: What skills do employees need to show up the way
Speaker 5: they want? And watching how applicable it is to parenting
Speaker 5: and business right, is just it's so heartening, and it's
Speaker 5: what makes it feel kind of so big.
Speaker 4: That's so interesting.
Speaker 7: And actually you got right into When I was, you know,
Speaker 7: thinking about having this conversation with you, I kept having
Speaker 7: to reset myself to not make this like a personal
Speaker 7: therapy session with you, like does not just like dominate
Speaker 7: like my own questions about things I have to do.
Speaker 7: And the one that I kept coming back to is
Speaker 7: I feel like I'm like actually the last parent of
Speaker 7: my generation that does do timeouts. So I will pose
Speaker 7: my question to you, which was, in what way am
Speaker 7: I screwing up my children?
Speaker 4: No, that's.
Speaker 5: So the way I think about questions in general more
Speaker 5: than anything else specific, because it's as applicable to kids
Speaker 5: as relationships as your partnership as you. A question you
Speaker 5: ask someone is a road you want want to walk.
Speaker 4: Down with them.
Speaker 5: I mean that the questions we ask people determined the
Speaker 5: way we connect to them. And so when I think
Speaker 5: about the question when I'm doing a time out, how
Speaker 5: does that mess up my kid? What I'm going to
Speaker 5: say to you IM say, I don't want to rock
Speaker 5: down that road with you, like no matter, I just don't.
Speaker 5: I don't think that's a productive road to be on.
Speaker 5: We're either messing up our kid, We're not messing up
Speaker 5: our kid. What I would say instead is okay, well
Speaker 5: tell me what you're trying to accomplish there, right, tell
Speaker 5: me what you're trying to accomplish or what it does
Speaker 5: for you.
Speaker 4: So let's do that.
Speaker 5: What does that do for you when I'm out like
Speaker 5: just totally neutral, like no judgment, What does that help
Speaker 5: you with in the moment?
Speaker 7: For me as a parent, it gives me a little
Speaker 7: breathing room. It makes me It also makes me feel
Speaker 7: like I'm sending the message to my child that the
Speaker 7: behavior they exhibited is not appropriate.
Speaker 5: This is great, this is what I hear that this
Speaker 5: was such core of my You have to take the punishment.
Speaker 5: I'm going to send it to you after the timeouts
Speaker 5: don't work. I want to do instead because I really
Speaker 5: think you'll love it, because I think you can tell
Speaker 5: talking to me. Nothing about me is like soft. It's
Speaker 5: why I don't like the term gentle parenting. I'm like,
Speaker 5: in the list of adjectives I used to describe myself,
Speaker 5: gentle is just nowhere on the list. But that doesn't
Speaker 5: mean it's me. So here's the thing about a time out.
Speaker 5: Let's use that basketball example, Like, if you watched your
Speaker 5: kids basketball coach give them a timeout for missing a layup,
Speaker 5: I can't imagine you'd think that was productive. And if
Speaker 5: the coach is like, well, I just don't want your
Speaker 5: kid to think that. I think it's so pay that
Speaker 5: they miss layups, I don't know about me, I'd be like,
Speaker 5: that doesn't what. It doesn't even make sense, you know,
Speaker 5: because if we take a different example, Let's say you're
Speaker 5: late to work all the time, okay, and you have
Speaker 5: a boss who's like, you know what, Emily, you've been
Speaker 5: late to work where we're not ordering you lunch this week.
Speaker 5: It is totally unacceptable.
Speaker 4: Okay, let's just take that and just.
Speaker 5: Notice how that feels, okay, Versus let's say you had
Speaker 5: a different boss who said, Hey, i'mily come to my office.
Speaker 5: You're not in trouble. You've been really late to work
Speaker 5: this week, and look, you're a good employee, Like I
Speaker 5: actually know you want to be productive and get things done,
Speaker 5: which also lets me know you must be kind of
Speaker 5: struggling with something about getting here on time, or maybe
Speaker 5: the workplace doesn't feel great for you. I don't know,
Speaker 5: you must be struggling with something, And actually I feel
Speaker 5: like what would be most productive is for us just
Speaker 5: to get to the bottom of that together. We're on
Speaker 5: the same team now. I just want to know, do
Speaker 5: you walk out of your boss's office being like, Wow,
Speaker 5: she thinks it's okay for me to get to work late,
Speaker 5: Like I just like, I don't know anyone who would
Speaker 5: think that.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 5: No, totally such a common mindset, but when you actually
Speaker 5: break it down, it actually doesn't really make sense. We
Speaker 5: are not kind of animals that are purely responsive to
Speaker 5: various reinforcement. We are very, very complicated when we operate
Speaker 5: through connection and attachment more than anything else. Trying to
Speaker 5: understand your kid's behavior and then helping them build the
Speaker 5: skills they were missing to change that behavior doesn't mean
Speaker 5: you approve of the original behavior, and it actually means
Speaker 5: you're just most invested in productive change, which is what
Speaker 5: I think all good bosses and probably good parents and
Speaker 5: leaders in general do. The other thing about a timeout,
Speaker 5: I think we canna be honest with ourselves, is like,
Speaker 5: what do we think a kid is doing?
Speaker 4: Again?
Speaker 5: I'm just like, I'm oriented not by being softw by
Speaker 5: being effective, Like I don't know a kid who's like,
Speaker 5: you know what, when I get a time out, I
Speaker 5: google have managed my anger toward my mom. So I
Speaker 5: don't say I hate you, like what what are they
Speaker 5: doing in that room?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 5: And so I think what you're saying, though, that's important
Speaker 5: most time out parents needs. So what I would shift
Speaker 5: is just saying, hey, like, I need a moment to
Speaker 5: come my body and then you and I are going
Speaker 5: to figure this out together. I'm on your team. I
Speaker 5: need that moment and maybe in exam thing, Hey, I'm
Speaker 5: not going to give you so many timeouts anymore. I
Speaker 5: don't really think it's productive. I sometimes need a time
Speaker 5: out to come my body. So the next time something
Speaker 5: hard happens, I might just say, hey, now that time,
Speaker 5: I'm taking a mommy time out for myself. I love you,
Speaker 5: I'll be back. We're going to figure this out.
Speaker 4: Yeah, that the mommy time out.
Speaker 5: Has been huge for me.
Speaker 4: Like I feel like it's okay to tell them, like.
Speaker 7: I'm having trouble with this situation right now, I need
Speaker 7: a bit.
Speaker 4: Okay.
Speaker 7: I could talk to you all day and ask you questions.
Speaker 7: I don't want to take up too much of your time,
Speaker 7: Doctor Becky, How can we find you?
Speaker 4: Where do we find you? Tell us everything?
Speaker 5: Thank you? So everything is a good inside dot com
Speaker 5: if you haven't checked it out, like the website has
Speaker 5: so much there, so all my podcasts you can get
Speaker 5: through there. There've been some recommended here if you haven't
Speaker 5: signed up for that Thursday newsletter good Insider. It's a
Speaker 5: great way to start to get content that's a little
Speaker 5: bit longer than like here on Instagram, which I think
Speaker 5: is something we just deserve to have a little bit
Speaker 5: of a fuller picture. And then if you're sitting here
Speaker 5: being like wow, I deserve kind of ongoing resources and
Speaker 5: support I do have an important job, or someone said
Speaker 5: to me in our membership. You know, I used to
Speaker 5: work outside the home before I was a stay at
Speaker 5: home mom, and I always looked at ongoing training as
Speaker 5: a sign of people belief in me and being really
Speaker 5: good at my job, and like, this is my ongoing
Speaker 5: kind of training in that way. So I love that.
Speaker 5: So our membership is there whether you have a big problem,
Speaker 5: not big, but whether you're like, oh, I'm in the
Speaker 5: midst of like a big cant frum sibling rivalry. I
Speaker 5: promise you we have a workshop for it. Some people
Speaker 5: join because they kind of want to start with solving
Speaker 5: a problem, and other people join because they're like, you
Speaker 5: know what, I just really want that ongoing community, that
Speaker 5: ongoing support resources.
Speaker 4: I trust.
Speaker 5: Right, we just did it great and you're going to
Speaker 5: love this because I'll do the workshop and it'll come
Speaker 5: with membership. How to talk about sex event, Like we
Speaker 5: really get into all the like how do you really
Speaker 5: deal with all these things?
Speaker 4: Right?
Speaker 5: Parenting is a journey, and I just like, I really
Speaker 5: mean this, like I'm honored to be so many parents
Speaker 5: co pilots there.
Speaker 4: Well, I think someone put in the comments and it's
Speaker 4: great non judgmental advice, and I think that is a
Speaker 4: lot of what is connecting everyone so much to your advice.
Speaker 4: Thank you so much, doctor Becket. This has been such
Speaker 4: a pleasure to have you on. Thank you so much. Bye.
Speaker 4: Thanks for listening to this special minisot of she Pivots.
Speaker 4: Check back in weekly for more conversations with inspiring women.
Speaker 4: To learn more about our guests, follow us on Instagram
Speaker 4: at sheep Pivots the podcast. Leave a rating in comment
Speaker 4: if you enjoyed this episode to help others learn about it.
Speaker 4: A special thank you to our partner Marie Claire and
Speaker 4: the team that made this episode possible. Talk to you
Speaker 4: next week. Sheep Pivots is hosted by me Emily Tish Sussman,
Speaker 4: produced by Emily eda Veloshik, with sound editing and mixing
Speaker 4: from Nina Pollok, and research and planning for Christine Dickinson
Speaker 4: and Hannah Cousins.
Speaker 8: I endorsed Cheap Pivots.
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