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Speaker 1: Hey, this is Annie and Samantha and looking to Stefan

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Speaker 1: Never Told You production of I Heart Radio. So it

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Speaker 1: is another Thursday. As this comes out, we don't know

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Speaker 1: when you're listening to it, and that means it is

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Speaker 1: another happy hour, or in this case it is quite

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Speaker 1: an unhappy hour, also an angry hour. Also like ten minutes.

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Speaker 1: So there's a lot of caveats within this um that

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Speaker 1: being said, as always with these, and drink responsible if

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Speaker 1: you choose to do so, sugar warning, minor discussion of

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Speaker 1: sexual assault, like really minor, but just to put in there.

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Speaker 1: And also I realized that a lot of these I'm

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Speaker 1: always like, hey, you know, you don't have to drink,

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Speaker 1: just take a moment to relax with us. And then

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Speaker 1: I also come with all these unhappy hours, so it's

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Speaker 1: more about commiserating, I guess for like a moment where

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Speaker 1: we're connecting, commiserating and you know, perhaps sparking these conversations

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Speaker 1: sometimes relaxing oftentimes not oftentimes not. I don't know. I

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Speaker 1: like it because it does remind me I told you

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Speaker 1: about the thing that I did with my really good

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Speaker 1: friend Anna Conger, sister of Christen Conger, who is uh

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Speaker 1: family to the show as well that we we call

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Speaker 1: Bitch and Wine where we just came out and if

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Speaker 1: you were angry, it was some of the best moments

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Speaker 1: and it would be funny but at the same time sad,

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Speaker 1: but it was just cathartic and those races, that's exactly

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Speaker 1: what this is. So Samantha, what are you sitting on?

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Speaker 1: So I decided to throw it back to one that

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Speaker 1: we've already made and I really liked, which was the

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Speaker 1: Mexican Mule, which our friend, yes she is now officially

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Speaker 1: our friend, Leanna Ferguson's company. Until tequila, I have used

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Speaker 1: that same tequila again with some ginger beer. I put

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Speaker 1: in my hall opinions because I just last icy and

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Speaker 1: I decided it's time for a spicy drink today. And

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Speaker 1: Atlanta is kind of hot right now. It is June,

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Speaker 1: although rainy, so that's like humid hot but kind of

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Speaker 1: windy all over the place. As this felt it really is.

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Speaker 1: This felt appropriate. And I don't have my uh, I

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Speaker 1: don't have a Moscowmule cup. I need to get them,

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Speaker 1: so we just discussed so I can keep them nice

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Speaker 1: and cold, but instead I have my coffee tumbler. Okay,

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Speaker 1: as a replacement because it insulates it. So I'm hoping

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Speaker 1: it like keeps that same like type of glass and

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Speaker 1: cups that's been used and maybe yeah, yeah, it looks nice. Um.

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Speaker 1: So I am drinking on a beer from Orpheus actually Semantham.

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Speaker 1: And again we're not sponsored currently by anybody we're talking about,

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Speaker 1: and it is called All You Get Is All You Get.

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Speaker 1: And I chose it purposefully because it relates to the

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Speaker 1: topic we're talking about today, and so I know I've

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Speaker 1: discussed this with you, Samantha. I can't remember if I

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Speaker 1: talked about it on the show. I purposely. I'm someone

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Speaker 1: who loves a theme. Yes, I love a theme. I

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Speaker 1: love doing things that no one else picks up on.

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Speaker 1: And then later I'm like, didn't you realize the pun

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Speaker 1: and that macaroni dish I provided? And they're like, I

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Speaker 1: do that a lot for dungeons and Dragons. So whatever

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Speaker 1: is supposed to happen in the session, or what I

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Speaker 1: think is the general theme of the session, I will

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Speaker 1: make dishes based off of it, and I choose drinks

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Speaker 1: based off of it, and I always bring at least

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Speaker 1: one beer that I think is evocative or captures whatever

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Speaker 1: I'm going for, and no one hardly ever gets it.

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Speaker 1: And I can't blame them for it, because why would

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Speaker 1: you be like, ah, the beer is oh you get

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Speaker 1: is all you get? I know what's gonna It's a

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Speaker 1: very silly, silly thing. I love it. But are dungeons

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Speaker 1: and dragon session got pushed. So that is what I'm

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Speaker 1: drinking today. And for today, we are talking about sex entitlement,

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Speaker 1: and particularly male sex entitlement, and I'm going to be

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Speaker 1: sharing some personal stories that have happened to people in

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Speaker 1: my life recently. But I have changed some facts just

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Speaker 1: to put that out there. Because I do come from

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Speaker 1: a small town. It would be very easy to figure

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Speaker 1: out who I'm talking about. Probably still not too difficult,

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Speaker 1: but just to just so you know, I have changed

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Speaker 1: some things, but the heart of it is there. It's

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Speaker 1: the same. Yes. So this has been something that's really

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Speaker 1: bothered me for a long time, and I know we've

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Speaker 1: talked about it before on the show. Of this whole

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Speaker 1: idea of like you owe people and especially men sex

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Speaker 1: and if you if you're a woman, you could be

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Speaker 1: guilted into that or just it can really eat at you.

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Speaker 1: And that was something that Um and my past relationships,

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Speaker 1: and especially as I've kind of learned like oh, I'm

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Speaker 1: a sexual or something close to it, that I am

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Speaker 1: not going to be someone who has a lot of

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Speaker 1: sex and I don't want a lot of sex. But

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Speaker 1: then like my friends who are on my side, but

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Speaker 1: you know, just maybe not as aware of what I'm

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Speaker 1: going through, um how I identify. I would be like, oh,

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Speaker 1: this person you're with must have so much like blue

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Speaker 1: balls and they must be so miserable or whatever it is.

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Speaker 1: And then me being like, oh God, I'm a terrible

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Speaker 1: girlfriend or or the like, and feeling this guilt and

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Speaker 1: like you owe it to somebody, right. And I know

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Speaker 1: some listeners have written in about being a sexual, and

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Speaker 1: I've said that they've encountered men who have told them

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Speaker 1: that they can fix you. That it's kind of like

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Speaker 1: on the level of conversion therapy, where you just have

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Speaker 1: to have sex, even if it's bad sex. You have

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Speaker 1: to have a lot of sex, even if it hurts,

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Speaker 1: maybe even be raped, and you will be hurt and

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Speaker 1: heavy quote scared. Right, And all of this has been

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Speaker 1: on my mind because lately recently my mom, who my

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Speaker 1: dad died about two years ago, now she someone close

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Speaker 1: to her died and it had been ill for about

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Speaker 1: a year, and this woman's husband contacted my mom and

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Speaker 1: was like, you know, I haven't had sex in a year,

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Speaker 1: and uh, it's been real health for me. And I

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Speaker 1: would like to I mean, what is your life? What

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Speaker 1: are you doing with your life? Why don't we just

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Speaker 1: have sex because you don't have a man in your

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Speaker 1: life and you must feel so empty all of this

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Speaker 1: stuff that it's like filling me with rage as I'm

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Speaker 1: even talking about it, because this was someone my my

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Speaker 1: mom cared about, and so I I talked to my

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Speaker 1: mom about it and to hear in her voice like

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Speaker 1: she was asking me to you think I sent any signals?

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Speaker 1: Do you think I did something wrong? And all the stuff,

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Speaker 1: all the stuff I've heard myself say, and it just

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Speaker 1: in furiate. It made me so angry to hear her

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Speaker 1: just full of doubt over basically just being a human

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Speaker 1: being who is trying to be kind and then having

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Speaker 1: someone tell you that your life is meaningless unless you

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Speaker 1: have a man and you're having sex, and that you

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Speaker 1: like owe it to this person because they think they've

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Speaker 1: quote been through hell. And by the way, my mom

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Speaker 1: took care of my dad for many many years. It's

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Speaker 1: not a competition, but how dare you come in with

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Speaker 1: one year I've been through. Hell you owe me sex?

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Speaker 1: Oh wow? Yeah, it makes me so mad, and it's

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Speaker 1: it's frustrating too, because like she got married really young.

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Speaker 1: She got merried to like twenty, and so there are

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Speaker 1: instances where she reaches out to me and it just

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Speaker 1: breaks my heart because I feel like she didn't have

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Speaker 1: what I had, which was kind of this learning time

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Speaker 1: to like learn about yourself and options, and even through

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Speaker 1: this show and even as like society has become more

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Speaker 1: aware of things of like you don't owe men's sex,

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Speaker 1: and just to hear her like question, like, I like

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Speaker 1: my life and I don't think it's like having that

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Speaker 1: doubt douche bag, I wanted to have sex? Uh yeah,

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Speaker 1: So it made me pretty bad pretty much, but it

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Speaker 1: blind you. That's infuriating and also is someone that you

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Speaker 1: love and care for and are very protectible of. So yeah,

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Speaker 1: and I think that this is one of those instances

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Speaker 1: to where you can When she was talking to me

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Speaker 1: about it, and it was kind of bizarre because this

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Speaker 1: was right when we did had done like the a

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Speaker 1: sexual episode. I had been talking about some of this stuff.

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Speaker 1: And I can't say how my mom identifies I don't

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Speaker 1: think she's probably even never questioned it, right, But she's

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Speaker 1: told me before she doesn't like to have sex, like

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Speaker 1: it's not a big thing for her, right, And to

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Speaker 1: see it kind of play out where I was, I

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Speaker 1: was giving her advice of like, you're a really nice person,

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Speaker 1: and I'm a really nice person. And I've had to

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Speaker 1: remove myself from situations entirely and that sucks, but it's

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Speaker 1: because I don't trust myself to speak up for what

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Speaker 1: I want and to say no, like I don't want

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Speaker 1: to have sex even if you do, and I I

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Speaker 1: would almost I'm scared that I would just give in

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Speaker 1: because I put other people first. And I had to

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Speaker 1: tell her that about myself and and she was like, yes,

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Speaker 1: that's the same, that's the same. And it was just

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Speaker 1: heartbreaking because you're like seeing something play out and no.

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Speaker 1: I was fortunate in many ways that I had this

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Speaker 1: space to figure that out when I was younger, but

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Speaker 1: she didn't really have that space. Well, good for her,

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Speaker 1: she has a daughter, as well as the fact that

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Speaker 1: you know, she's kind of able to hopefully live better

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Speaker 1: for that, like live into her what is good for her? Yeah,

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Speaker 1: because that's you know, even though it is heartbreaking to

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Speaker 1: actually be able to experience it for a little while,

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Speaker 1: being able to be happy in yourself and do as

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Speaker 1: you please. Mm hmm. That's good. Although yeah, I would

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Speaker 1: want to flip the table. Yeah, I want to to.

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Speaker 1: I mean, and she that has made me. That's something

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Speaker 1: that's made me really happy of the you know, like

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Speaker 1: darkness of losing her husband and everything that came before

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Speaker 1: that is she seems like she's dude, she's pretty happy

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Speaker 1: by herself and she's doing a bunch of stuff and

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Speaker 1: really enjoying it. And I mean, this is a topic

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Speaker 1: for another episode, but it's just in these cases for

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Speaker 1: me specifically, it just infuriates me the whole, like in

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Speaker 1: sickness and in health, and then the sickness comes and

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Speaker 1: in the examples I'm thinking of, the men are like

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Speaker 1: never mind, right, right, or the men who are sick

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Speaker 1: take advantage of that, right. And I do want to

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Speaker 1: stay here, Like we're talking about mostly the male sex

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Speaker 1: utilement and women, but I have spoken to male friends

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Speaker 1: and particularly queer male friends, who have told me about

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Speaker 1: kind of the pressure it puts on them as well

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Speaker 1: of like, if I don't want sex and I don't

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Speaker 1: want heterosexual sex and I don't want it like loudly

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Speaker 1: where everyone knows I want it, then I feel like

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Speaker 1: I'm judged or I'm failing or all these other things.

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Speaker 1: So again, it's not good for anybody right for anybody

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Speaker 1: right as in fact our next episode, if you're listening

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Speaker 1: to this sequentially, as in like when it comes out,

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Speaker 1: I want to talk about virginity, and a part of

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Speaker 1: the conversation is it's very blipped, but it is. It's

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Speaker 1: the whole basis of it is toxic masculinity, dangerous, uh,

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Speaker 1: patriarchy in the idea that is extreme for both whether

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Speaker 1: you have to be pure for women and for men

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Speaker 1: you have to be hyper sexual or you're not truly men.

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Speaker 1: And that push is so damaging in that they're gonna

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Speaker 1: call you out and say, well, you're not a real

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Speaker 1: man unless you've had sex with ten girls. And some

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Speaker 1: of it better be exactly what is seen as porn

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Speaker 1: type of conversations, and it is. It is super super

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Speaker 1: dangerous and toxic beyond anything else. And it's so sad

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Speaker 1: because you're right in this very case, stuff like this

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Speaker 1: it's damaging to everyone everyone. Why can't we just be

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Speaker 1: as we are instead of being a caricature of what

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Speaker 1: we're supposed to be according to heteronormative ideology that shouldn't exist, right, Yeah,

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Speaker 1: I mean when you think about it, when you just

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Speaker 1: get to the bare bones of it, we are creating

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Speaker 1: a situation that is dangerous and unhealthy for pretty much everybody.

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Speaker 1: And I also want to put in here too, this

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Speaker 1: is definitely a topic for a separate episode, but I

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Speaker 1: think that all of this makes it really complicated for

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Speaker 1: women as well. Who wants sex? Yeah, it's a separate episode,

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Speaker 1: but I just feel like there is a tension between

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Speaker 1: being a woman and being vocal about wanting sex and

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Speaker 1: that getting weaponized against you are just like that, We're

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Speaker 1: coming from different understandings a lot of times about what

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Speaker 1: that means for men and women. Yeah, so acknowledging those things.

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Speaker 1: But yes, this has been my rage unhappy hour, right

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Speaker 1: and to be fair, like for me specifically, I came

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Speaker 1: from being completely scared of sex, demonizing what sex was coming,

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Speaker 1: to oh my god, I want to have sex now

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Speaker 1: what's happening? To being hyper sexual to now being kind

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Speaker 1: of for you, like I'm tired, my body hurt. If

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Speaker 1: I'm not in the exact mood, then i might not

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Speaker 1: want to do squat other than cuddling and feeling like

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Speaker 1: my changes throughout my years could be problematic, like I'm

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Speaker 1: worried about am I okay? When it's actually absolutely normal

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Speaker 1: to have off day or normal days, being different in

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Speaker 1: any of those times and trying to talk about that

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Speaker 1: and trying to understand that in your own self, but

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Speaker 1: then seeing all of these like oh, you're supposed to

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Speaker 1: be this, this and this, and then you never change.

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Speaker 1: It's so absurd. Yeah, and it is also a dangerous

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Speaker 1: mindset because yeah, you're like, what's wrong with me? What

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Speaker 1: is why? Why am I not what I was ten

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Speaker 1: years ago? M hmm, Yeah, I'll never forget when I

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Speaker 1: did that. We hiked a heel of it, uh two

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Speaker 1: years ago now. We did this exercise where it was like,

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Speaker 1: you know, I promised not to do damn X y

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Speaker 1: Z damaging thing or unhelpful thing or unhealthy thing, and

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Speaker 1: one woman said, I promised to stop comparing myself to

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Speaker 1: my younger self, and I was like, yeah, yeah, super smart.

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Speaker 1: Yeah that's super smart, because my younger self is like

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Speaker 1: what the hell are you doing now? And my older

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Speaker 1: self was like, what was I thinking then? And it's

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Speaker 1: all totally normal? Well cheers, I guess no. I think

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Speaker 1: it's just a lot to think about and that's a

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Speaker 1: lot to process. And thank you for sharing it with us,

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Speaker 1: because yeah, I'm gonna throw punches. Yeah's gonna get punched

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Speaker 1: in the throat. It takes me, like I get angry,

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Speaker 1: but it takes me a lot to get to like

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Speaker 1: expressive angry. Right, and I'm there, I am right. Well.

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Speaker 1: We hope that you enjoyed listeners or felt something resonate

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Speaker 1: with you, or felt a connection. If you would like

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Speaker 1: to contact us, we would love to hear from you.

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Speaker 1: Our emails, Stuff Media, mom Stuff, and I Hurt mea

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Speaker 1: dot com. You can find us on Instagram and Stuff

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Speaker 1: I've Never Told You are on Twitter at mom Stuff Podcast.

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Speaker 1: Thanks It's always to our super producer, Christina. Thank you Christina,

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Speaker 1: and thanks to you for listening Stuff I've Never Told You.

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Speaker 1: Spection about I Heart Radio. For more podcast from I

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Speaker 1: Heart Radio, visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or

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Speaker 1: revul listen to your favorite shows