Speaker 1: You're listening to Comedy Central.
Speaker 2: Oh yes, oh baby, we never got well.
Speaker 1: But in the Daily Show, my name is Jon Trup,
Speaker 1: we got a hall of a show for it tonight.
Speaker 1: I'm gonna try this one. First and foremost wanted to
Speaker 1: thank everybody for such kind words about my dog, Nipper.
Speaker 1: Truly meant a lot to me and I took great
Speaker 1: comfort in it. But before we do anything, Breaking news.
Speaker 3: CNN Breaking News.
Speaker 4: We begin with the breaking news this morning, the United
Speaker 4: States Supreme Court ruling that former President Donald Trump cannot
Speaker 4: be removed from any state's ballot for his actions on
Speaker 4: January sixth.
Speaker 1: I think the real breaking news here, oh pipe down,
Speaker 1: they know better than the Supreme Court. In all my
Speaker 1: years of law school, I couldn't believe the arguments. I
Speaker 1: think the real breaking news here is Wolf Blitzer and
Speaker 1: I appear to be merging. We are becoming one.
Speaker 2: Blitz up.
Speaker 1: By the way, the Supreme Court nine to nothing. The
Speaker 1: ruling was let Donnie cook.
Speaker 3: So let that be really, Let that be a lesson to.
Speaker 1: All you out there who might be thinking about subverting
Speaker 1: the Constitution in a presidential election. A you go boy
Speaker 1: for more In the.
Speaker 3: Supreme Court's ruling.
Speaker 1: We turned to our own Deasie Leideck lives at the
Speaker 1: Supreme Court.
Speaker 3: Deasy, thank you for going up down there to night.
Speaker 1: I warned you before you do your report. Audience filled
Speaker 1: with law students.
Speaker 3: So does he.
Speaker 1: Democrats have to be disappointed in this ruling.
Speaker 5: Yes, Democrats are doing more shower crying than normal today, John,
Speaker 5: But they are still confident that a conviction in the
Speaker 5: January sixth trial can keep Trump out of the White House.
Speaker 1: That's seemingly not likely going to happen.
Speaker 5: Before election day, right, But fortunately Trump has three other
Speaker 5: criminal trials coming up. One of those has to be
Speaker 5: a conviction.
Speaker 6: So Democrats are optimistic.
Speaker 1: But Trump can still be president if he's convicted. I mean,
Speaker 1: none of the cases would stop.
Speaker 6: That, right, I'm glad you brought that up, John. Democrats say,
Speaker 6: if none of these cases go their way, there is
Speaker 6: still another avenue.
Speaker 1: To pursue the getting more votes scenario.
Speaker 6: They're not there yet. They were going to lay Reese's
Speaker 6: pieces out in a trail.
Speaker 3: That leads into a golden tent.
Speaker 6: Labeled our logo that can only be zipped from the outside,
Speaker 6: or they discussed making him the next Golden Bachelor, once
Speaker 6: he's surrounded by women his own age, Democrats believe he
Speaker 6: will spontaneously combust.
Speaker 7: I still think the more votes Democrats find a witch,
Speaker 7: the witch turns Donald Trump into a bird.
Speaker 6: The bird isn't there on election day, having already migrated
Speaker 6: to a warmer climate.
Speaker 1: The elections, obviously type the battleground states are going to
Speaker 1: be difficult, but clearly there is a path to victory
Speaker 1: for Democrats, even if narrow.
Speaker 5: Oh yes, you're talking about sending Trump an Apple vision
Speaker 5: pro pre loaded with so he'll be too busy masturbating
Speaker 5: the campaign.
Speaker 3: That can work out? There does right, it's everybody don't
Speaker 3: have it. I didn't think of the last one.
Speaker 1: That does sound plausible, But there I have it. Breaking news.
Speaker 1: The presidential election is still on. Now return you to
Speaker 1: your regularly scheduled presidential election year programming.
Speaker 7: FOSS has learn America's border crisis boiling over.
Speaker 1: Hays at the border, the never ending surge of migrants
Speaker 1: crashing across our southern border. Yes, every two to four years,
Speaker 1: we are reminded that we have a southern border and
Speaker 1: it is porous.
Speaker 8: There's a migrant crime spree killing Americans, and the President's
Speaker 8: and accessory to murder.
Speaker 1: We are being overwhelmed.
Speaker 9: There is no word to describe this except invasion.
Speaker 1: Illegal invaders invading America, pouring over our border by the.
Speaker 5: Million, criminals, rapists, murderers, child predators, and god knows who else.
Speaker 1: God knows who else. I mean, statistically, a couple of
Speaker 1: them at least have to be podcasters, I mean.
Speaker 3: Murderers.
Speaker 1: But point taken, I think my pants just shit their pants.
Speaker 1: And if you're thinking that these are just some Central
Speaker 1: American no good nicks, think again.
Speaker 8: The countries we know they're coming from Iran number one
Speaker 8: state sponsored terror, their satellite country, Syria, Egypt, home of
Speaker 8: the Muslim Brotherhood, Afghanistan, home of Al Kaeda, ten thousand
Speaker 8: plus from Russia.
Speaker 5: Record numbers of Chinese men of military age who have
Speaker 5: come across our border.
Speaker 10: The number of military age men that are showing up
Speaker 10: with military haircuts, clearly in shape, said, these guys are
Speaker 10: showing up with six packs and military boots.
Speaker 1: I'm mad, I'm made. They're clearly claire.
Speaker 11: I mean.
Speaker 1: Tight asses. I mean there is there's there's not an
Speaker 1: ounce of fat on these mothers. Let I am so hard, right,
Speaker 1: I want to go down to that goddamn border, and
Speaker 1: I want to get ass deep on these immigrants. I
Speaker 1: want to suck and until I want I want to stick,
Speaker 1: get cash me outside. How about that? That's what I'm saying. Wow,
Speaker 1: So we got crowd gloves, my dirty phill impression, we.
Speaker 3: Got criminals, we got terrorists.
Speaker 1: Is there anyone else down there? We should be worried about?
Speaker 2: Anybody ever here?
Speaker 3: Of Hanniballector.
Speaker 1: It was a nice fellow.
Speaker 12: But that's what's coming into our country right now.
Speaker 1: Wouldn't cannibals amongst them be the solution to the product?
Speaker 1: Or are they fasting until they get to America? Well
Speaker 1: it's clear hyperbole, but there does seem to be by
Speaker 1: parties in agreement now that the border is a problem.
Speaker 1: There were three hundred thousand crossings in December alone. That's
Speaker 1: an all time high, and that is not sustainable. But
Speaker 1: Republicans turned down the chance to pass a strong border bill.
Speaker 3: Supported by the Border Patrol.
Speaker 1: Union because of how confident they are that fear mongering
Speaker 1: will be an effective election year strategy. It's all about branding.
Speaker 2: I call it migrant crime.
Speaker 3: I really call it Biden migrant crime. But it's too long,
Speaker 3: So let's just call it migrant crime, and everyone's going
Speaker 3: to notice because of Biden.
Speaker 1: We will call it from now on, Biden migrant crime.
Speaker 3: Okay, it's bigrant crime. This is we'll go it. I
Speaker 3: got a migrant, let's go it. Bigrant Biden crime.
Speaker 2: Oh that's good, that's smart.
Speaker 3: Migrant crime. It's a portmanteau.
Speaker 1: I'm not completely sold on bigrant It really just sounds
Speaker 1: like a migrant who's opened to crossing either border.
Speaker 3: It's migrant crime, bigrant.
Speaker 1: Look, there are some undocumented migrants who are committing crimes,
Speaker 1: some of them horrific. But isn't that true for every demographic,
Speaker 1: including natives. I feel pretty confident there's still a lot
Speaker 1: of opportunity out there for.
Speaker 3: Our American homegrown criminals.
Speaker 1: But it's if it's enough of an issue that on Thursday,
Speaker 1: we had ourselves a good old fashioned border off. As
Speaker 1: both men saddled up and headed to the southern border.
Speaker 1: Trump headed to Eagle Pass and Biden headed to Brownsville.
Speaker 1: It was bitch ass Cassidy versus the sundown kid, and Biden.
Speaker 2: Was fired up.
Speaker 13: We're in the United States of America.
Speaker 3: Neil didn't know exactly where we are. He knew what
Speaker 3: country we were in. Biddang boom is the United States
Speaker 3: of America. I take back everything I said a month ago.
Speaker 1: Lay out your proposal, Sir.
Speaker 13: I understand my predecessor's and eagle pass today. So here's
Speaker 13: what I would say to mister Trump. Set of playing
Speaker 13: politics issue, instead of telling members of Congress to block
Speaker 13: the legislation, join me. I'll join you in telling the
Speaker 13: Congress to pass this pipe Artistan border security bill. We
Speaker 13: can do it.
Speaker 1: Together, ladies and jai. I'm in the islive branch has
Speaker 1: been extended across the aisle in a show of genuine
Speaker 1: desire to solve this complex and vexing issue. Trump.
Speaker 12: Your response, Crooked Joe is the blood of countless that
Speaker 12: he said victims?
Speaker 1: Mmm, that's no. Seriously, though, crooked Joe, we're still going with.
Speaker 3: That Crooked Joe Biden, he's crooked.
Speaker 2: I took the name away from Hillary because she's no
Speaker 2: longer relevant.
Speaker 3: I guess.
Speaker 1: Do you have to say everything that happens in your
Speaker 1: head out loud. It's been eight years, you've won, the
Speaker 1: woman's been thrown up. Now you're going to take away
Speaker 1: her nickname.
Speaker 14: Now what are you're doing?
Speaker 1: But let me tell you something.
Speaker 3: Trump, Oh, I've got serious there.
Speaker 1: You can't scare the Democrats because the one thing that
Speaker 1: the Democrats have are principles. When it comes to immigration,
Speaker 1: the Democrats hold to our country's cherished ideals, the eternal
Speaker 1: promise etched at the feet of Lady Liberty that speaks
Speaker 1: to our better angels.
Speaker 15: The only way we're going to have a great future
Speaker 15: in America is if we welcome and embrace immigrants.
Speaker 4: These people are folks that we should be helping.
Speaker 8: America welcomes immigrants.
Speaker 9: We want people to come here despite where they came from,
Speaker 9: or despite the circumstances that drove them to this country.
Speaker 14: This is a place where the statue of Liberty sits
Speaker 14: in the harbor, and we say, bring us your tie
Speaker 14: of those who are uniting to be.
Speaker 1: Free, unshakable bedrock American values of compassion and empathy. And
Speaker 1: there is not a damn thing that you can do
Speaker 1: to change that. Boss is arriving in New York City
Speaker 1: from Texas, one to another filled with migrants seeking asylum.
Speaker 3: That's all you got.
Speaker 1: Nice trick, Texas, But you are at the mayor, We're
Speaker 1: New New York in the city. How bury you no disrespect,
Speaker 1: but you are never going to change our values because
Speaker 1: you're afraid.
Speaker 3: So keep sending those bus loads.
Speaker 1: Because we got plenty of room in our hearts and
Speaker 1: in this city.
Speaker 2: We have no more room in the city.
Speaker 1: What about the yearnings and the tire and the tiredness
Speaker 1: and the tiredness of those who are doing the yearning?
Speaker 14: One hundred and ten thousand migrants we have to feed,
Speaker 14: closed house educated, watch their laundry sheets. This issue will
Speaker 14: destroy New York City.
Speaker 2: Destroy New York City.
Speaker 3: I mean they're supposed to be doing our sheets. What's
Speaker 3: going on around here? What kind of topsic derby world
Speaker 3: are we living?
Speaker 2: And over here?
Speaker 1: Yes, it turns out in the age old battle between
Speaker 1: values and fear, values.
Speaker 3: Never had a chance.
Speaker 16: It took two busloads of Venezuelans to go from this
Speaker 16: to this. So this is the terrible cycle of America
Speaker 16: is caught in democrats whose high minded values and principles
Speaker 16: did not survive a contact high with reality, and Republicans
Speaker 16: who's desire to solve the problem isn't nearly as strong
Speaker 16: as their desire to exploit it. And no one wins,
Speaker 16: well except this.
Speaker 10: Guy clearly in shape. We said these guys are showing
Speaker 10: up for six packs and military boots.
Speaker 1: Learn more about it in his new special Doctor Phil
Speaker 1: Straddles the Border.
Speaker 11: So let's get right into our ongoing coverage of Indecision
Speaker 11: twenty twenty four. Let's begin with the big news. Yesterday
Speaker 11: was Super Tuesday, the most important Tuesday of the year
Speaker 11: if you are nerd. With sixteen states and territories holding
Speaker 11: their primaries on the same day, it was the last
Speaker 11: chance for someone other than Donald Trump and Joe Biden
Speaker 11: to break through and change the dynamic of the race.
Speaker 11: Please boot out on't like Biden and Trump dominated the vote,
Speaker 11: Please don't let them dominate the vote.
Speaker 17: President Biden and former President Trump dominate.
Speaker 1: The vote, sweeping nearly all their.
Speaker 9: Primaries and clearing the path were a November rematch.
Speaker 11: The baby boomer death grip continues. Does anyone else have
Speaker 11: a chance to through.
Speaker 15: An NBC News election Alerger report? And this is good
Speaker 15: news for Nikki Haley. NBC News can project that she
Speaker 15: has won the State of vermonitor first victory of the night.
Speaker 2: Yes, formond.
Speaker 11: Yeah, Nikki won the Subaru owno who makes their own
Speaker 11: honey voting block. You can build on that. Nikki Haley
Speaker 11: twenty twenty four baby.
Speaker 3: Breaking news this morning, Nicki Haley dropping out of the twenty.
Speaker 1: Twenty four presidential race, leaving Donald Trump the last man
Speaker 1: standing in the race.
Speaker 11: Nah, don't quit now, Nikki. You are only eighty thousand
Speaker 11: delegates behind. If you drop out, who a little girls
Speaker 11: without any principles, convictions, or charisma look.
Speaker 10: Up to.
Speaker 11: Actually, you know what? Hang on, I need to talk
Speaker 11: to Nikki for a second. Nikki, I honestly, I'm sorry.
Speaker 11: I have no idea why everyone, including myself, is being
Speaker 11: so mean to you. I was actually rooting for you
Speaker 11: because I know you are just trying to save your
Speaker 11: party and the world from Donald Trump. And all we
Speaker 11: ever did was shit on you because you're such a
Speaker 11: giant loser who sucks so bad.
Speaker 9: I'm sorry.
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
Speaker 1: I'm doing it again.
Speaker 11: I'm sorry. Please consider this a formal and sincere apology.
Speaker 11: We should have done a lot better, like you should
Speaker 11: have done your own home state, and you lost by
Speaker 11: twenty points like a loser.
Speaker 9: I'm sorry.
Speaker 3: I'm sorry.
Speaker 11: I can't stop. I can't stop.
Speaker 3: But that's right to God.
Speaker 11: If you turn around and endorse Trump, I will totally
Speaker 11: be expecting that but now Nicki Haley's out, and so
Speaker 11: the whole party is coalescing behind Donald Trump. Even Mitch
Speaker 11: McConnell endorsed him today. Mitch, I mean, man, you said
Speaker 11: Trump did an insurrection, Trump said racist shit about your
Speaker 11: Asian wife, and you endorsed him again. I mean, what
Speaker 11: is wrong with your brain other than that thing that's
Speaker 11: obviously wrong with your brain. So now it's officially Trump
Speaker 11: and Biden. They crushed the primaries like it was an
Speaker 11: audition for a Life Alert commercial. And you know what,
Speaker 11: you know what, America, I don't want to hear any
Speaker 11: more complaining. Okay, everyone's bitching about how much you don't
Speaker 11: want to be Trump and Biden, and then all you
Speaker 11: do is pick Trump and Biden. Okay, you all say
Speaker 11: you hate them, but at least a couple million of
Speaker 11: you alling. And now what the primaries I just done?
Speaker 11: Now where were the twists?
Speaker 3: Where was the drama?
Speaker 11: I swear someone doesn't murder that fiance on the Love
Speaker 11: Is Blind finale tonight. I'm smashing my TV, although to
Speaker 11: be fair, that was a littlebell of drama. Democrats did
Speaker 11: give Joe Biden some trouble yesterday in Minnesota.
Speaker 2: Nearly twenty percent of.
Speaker 17: Democrats voting uncommitted instead of voting for Biden, a significant
Speaker 17: protest vote fueled.
Speaker 11: By concerns about his age and support over Israel.
Speaker 1: Joe Biden lost American Samoa to a little known candidate
Speaker 1: named Jason Palmer fifty one votes to forty.
Speaker 3: Hell yeah, Jason Palmer. Looking go hello?
Speaker 11: Quick question? Quick question, though, Who the fuck is Jason Palmer.
Speaker 11: I've never seen this bloate up Matt Damon in my life. Sonny.
Speaker 3: He wins American Samoa.
Speaker 11: I mean, this must be a fascinating guy for an
Speaker 11: interesting background. Tell me more.
Speaker 6: Palmer's biography holds him up as a political outsider.
Speaker 3: He called himself an education and tech entrepreneur. Okay pass pass,
Speaker 3: hot pass.
Speaker 11: I don't need another generic white guy tech entrepreneur. Okay,
Speaker 11: no thanks. I can't believe this is who sid from
Speaker 11: Toy Story became. But as boring as this dude was,
Speaker 11: if you watch his campaign video, you'll see that he
Speaker 11: had one thing going for him. Correct pronunciation, tallo falava.
Speaker 3: I'm Jason Palmer, American Samoa.
Speaker 9: I'm asking for your vote in the Democratic Caucus on
Speaker 9: March fifth.
Speaker 11: Yeah, American Samoa. I also can pronounce it correctly, just
Speaker 11: like when I visited Chile and Buffalona where I ate
Speaker 11: a croissant. That's how underrepresents the Pacific Islanders are. If
Speaker 11: you can say that name correctly, you'll sweep the vote.
Speaker 11: But still, how can you be so popular in American
Speaker 11: Samoa when no one knows him here in the mainland.
Speaker 4: You're probably wondering, who is this Jason Palmer.
Speaker 6: I've never heard of him before.
Speaker 9: Well, in the mainland, I'm actually very well known.
Speaker 11: Wow, I actually respect that this dude is going down
Speaker 11: there like, Hey, I'm the most famous man in America.
Speaker 11: You guys don't have an internet, right. Here's what I
Speaker 11: think really happened. American Samoa got together and voted for
Speaker 11: this guy as a pr move because they need it.
Speaker 11: America doesn't give them citizenship of votes. Most Americans don't
Speaker 11: even know that American Samoa is part of America, even
Speaker 11: though it's in the name. So you just let this
Speaker 11: random guy win the primary, and all of a sudden,
Speaker 11: we're talking about them now. Everyone's saying, like, wait, this
Speaker 11: is a place that's part of America. It's not just
Speaker 11: a cookie. I mean, we should let this cookie vote
Speaker 11: but between the protest vote in Minnesota and the upset
Speaker 11: in American Samoa, this the Democratic Party has had some tensions.
Speaker 11: For more of these results, has go to Grace Coolis
Speaker 11: Schmidt live from American Samoa. Grace, Grace, what is the
Speaker 11: mood over there, Ronnie.
Speaker 17: I've been walking up and down this beach all day,
Speaker 17: and let me tell you, the mood is great. People
Speaker 17: are smiling, the sand is soft, I can see whales.
Speaker 17: I'm falling in love with politics all over again.
Speaker 11: You know that's great insight for more Minnesotas. I'm committed vote.
Speaker 11: Let's go to Michael Costa and Duluth. Michael, what are
Speaker 11: you seeing on the ground there?
Speaker 3: What am I seeing?
Speaker 9: I'm seeing Grace in an island paradise while Michael Costa
Speaker 9: is stuck in a Duluth parking lot. According to an
Speaker 9: exit poll I conducted with myself, these results can suck.
Speaker 9: Why did Grace get to go to American Samoa?
Speaker 17: Sorry, where's American Samoa? I'm in American Samoa.
Speaker 11: Yeah, Michael, maybe if you had some cultural sensitivity you
Speaker 11: could be there too. Grace. What a vote is saying
Speaker 11: about what they want from the Democratic Party?
Speaker 17: A lot Ronnie, I've talked to a bunch of voters.
Speaker 17: One of them is a very cute volleyball instructor. And
Speaker 17: later I'm going surfing with one of the Rocks cousins.
Speaker 11: Right, great, And Michael, have you talked to any of
Speaker 11: the Rocks cousins.
Speaker 9: They're not here, dude, nobody cool is here.
Speaker 1: All right?
Speaker 9: It's just me and Princess Leah ear muffs, trying not
Speaker 9: to freeze to death. Meanwhile, Grace is having the time
Speaker 9: of her life on.
Speaker 3: A sunny beach. I hate democracy. This sucks.
Speaker 17: Ouch, Michael, I'll.
Speaker 3: Have you know it's not always perfect.
Speaker 13: Here.
Speaker 17: It rained this morning, it made over the mountains.
Speaker 2: It was just so beautiful.
Speaker 17: I'm not usually spiritual, but like I got.
Speaker 2: It, you know.
Speaker 11: Yeah, that's amazing, Grace. It sounds like you need to
Speaker 11: stay there a bit longer. We'll set you up.
Speaker 3: Michael.
Speaker 11: Hey, you stay out there too.
Speaker 3: What?
Speaker 1: No, I want to come home, Ronnie, No, no.
Speaker 11: No, we can't afford to fly you home if we're
Speaker 11: going to pay for Grace to stay out there.
Speaker 1: What.
Speaker 17: Yeah, Michael, have some respect. I'm reporting.
Speaker 2: Excuse me?
Speaker 17: Could I get another complimentary my tie? I'm very well
Speaker 17: known on the mainland.
Speaker 11: Where's cool It's when Michael calls Everybody.
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Speaker 1: This has been a Comedy Central podcast.
Speaker 2: Yew.