1 00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:12,760 Speaker 1: I started to realize that not being an expert isn't 2 00:00:12,800 --> 00:00:16,520 Speaker 1: a liability, it's a real gift. If we don't know 3 00:00:16,600 --> 00:00:18,840 Speaker 1: something about ourselves at this point in our life, it's 4 00:00:18,880 --> 00:00:22,360 Speaker 1: probably because it's uncomfortable to know. If you can die 5 00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:25,759 Speaker 1: before you die, then you can really live. There's a 6 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,880 Speaker 1: wisdom at death's door. I thought I was insane. Yeah, 7 00:00:30,880 --> 00:00:32,360 Speaker 1: and I didn't know what to do because there was 8 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,840 Speaker 1: no internet. I don't know, man, I'm like, I feel 9 00:00:35,880 --> 00:00:41,479 Speaker 1: like everything is hard. Hey, y'all, my name is Kat. 10 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,040 Speaker 1: I'm a human first and a licensed therapist second. And 11 00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:48,360 Speaker 1: right now I'm inviting you into conversations that I hope 12 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:53,840 Speaker 1: encourage you to become more curious and less judgmental about yourself, others, 13 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:58,040 Speaker 1: and the world around you. Welcome to you need therapy. 14 00:01:00,080 --> 00:01:02,880 Speaker 1: Imagine being lost on a road trip. I guess this 15 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:06,920 Speaker 1: is probably pre GPS days and calling your partner for 16 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:10,880 Speaker 1: help and hearing this on the other end. This doesn't 17 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:13,720 Speaker 1: surprise me. I don't know why I ever thought you 18 00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:16,360 Speaker 1: could understand the directions that I gave you. It's just 19 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:19,920 Speaker 1: so typical. And then maybe you reply back. You know, 20 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:22,119 Speaker 1: I really tried to follow them as best I could. 21 00:01:22,319 --> 00:01:24,440 Speaker 1: But if you're not going to help me, I'll just 22 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:29,080 Speaker 1: figure out on my own. Fine, And then your partner responds, Oh, 23 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,399 Speaker 1: I believe you tried the best you could. That's the 24 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:34,920 Speaker 1: pathetic part. I already tried to help you. I don't 25 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,880 Speaker 1: know what to tell you now. My help's not going 26 00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:39,200 Speaker 1: to make a difference with someone who's unable to follow 27 00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:42,959 Speaker 1: simple directions. To me, that sounds very cringey. And I'm 28 00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:47,680 Speaker 1: wondering what you guys thought. And if the thought was, oh, 29 00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,880 Speaker 1: I would never be with somebody who spoke to me 30 00:01:50,960 --> 00:01:54,560 Speaker 1: like that, or maybe you resonated with it, maybe it 31 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,160 Speaker 1: feels like a pattern of communication that you've experienced with 32 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,120 Speaker 1: somebody in your life, or that you're experiencing right now 33 00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:04,440 Speaker 1: in one of your relationships. And if you are or 34 00:02:04,480 --> 00:02:07,600 Speaker 1: if you aren't, even doesn't change the fact that what 35 00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:11,480 Speaker 1: you just heard was an example of contempt, which is 36 00:02:11,480 --> 00:02:15,080 Speaker 1: the second of the four horsemen that John Gottman developed 37 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:19,040 Speaker 1: during his research with couples. And if you are unfamiliar 38 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:22,720 Speaker 1: with John Gottman, he has the ability to predict with 39 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:26,520 Speaker 1: ninety percent accuracy if a couple will stay together or not. 40 00:02:26,639 --> 00:02:29,880 Speaker 1: With the four horsemen that he came up with and 41 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:34,200 Speaker 1: contempt happens to be the number one predictor of divorce, 42 00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:38,440 Speaker 1: according to his research. His research also shows I find 43 00:02:38,440 --> 00:02:41,840 Speaker 1: this fascinating that couples that are contemptuous of each other 44 00:02:41,880 --> 00:02:45,680 Speaker 1: are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses like colds, 45 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:49,600 Speaker 1: the flu, etc. Due to their weakened immune system, which 46 00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:53,200 Speaker 1: is wihold. Now, last week I gave a brief overview 47 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,560 Speaker 1: of the four Horsemen and we talked about the first one, 48 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,280 Speaker 1: which is criticism. And if you haven't listened to that 49 00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:02,160 Speaker 1: episode yet, I highly, hi highly recommend you go back 50 00:03:02,160 --> 00:03:05,600 Speaker 1: and start there, because the horsemen build on each other 51 00:03:06,160 --> 00:03:10,040 Speaker 1: and we're moving down the line of them from criticism 52 00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:14,200 Speaker 1: to contempt, to defensiveness to stonewalling. And what we learned 53 00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,520 Speaker 1: last week is that if criticism isn't nipped in the 54 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:21,320 Speaker 1: bud or stopped in some way, it easily opens a 55 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,400 Speaker 1: door for the rest of the horsemen to join in 56 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,320 Speaker 1: on the conversation that you're having with your partner. Now, 57 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:30,880 Speaker 1: contempt comes after criticism because it's an actual step above it. 58 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,000 Speaker 1: You're not just attacking someone's character, which is what happens 59 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,000 Speaker 1: when we criticize, we move away from the actual behavior 60 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:41,600 Speaker 1: and criticism, and we instead of focusing on that behavior 61 00:03:41,640 --> 00:03:44,640 Speaker 1: that we didn't like, we then start bringing them down 62 00:03:44,800 --> 00:03:49,320 Speaker 1: as a person. We kind of just minimize and criticize 63 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:54,120 Speaker 1: and attack somebody's character. But contempt takes it even farther. 64 00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:58,280 Speaker 1: When you're using contempt, you like twist the knife. Essentially, 65 00:03:58,640 --> 00:04:01,040 Speaker 1: you're attempting to create a high your position of power 66 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:04,000 Speaker 1: upon your partner, whether you're doing this or they're doing 67 00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,760 Speaker 1: it with you, and you end up belittling them so 68 00:04:07,240 --> 00:04:09,680 Speaker 1: you feel better about yourself and you feel above them. 69 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:13,560 Speaker 1: And in the most basic terms, contempt is just being cruel, 70 00:04:13,640 --> 00:04:17,720 Speaker 1: and it's being mean. And I don't mean like accidentally 71 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:19,440 Speaker 1: mean like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't 72 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,200 Speaker 1: mean to hurt your feelings. You don't accidentally say something 73 00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,880 Speaker 1: that hurts somebody's feelings. You do it on purpose. Contempt 74 00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:32,800 Speaker 1: includes being outright disrespectful, mocking somebody, using sarcasm, and I 75 00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:36,040 Speaker 1: mean like sarcasm to cause pain, not to make a 76 00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:40,880 Speaker 1: lighthearted joke, name calling, and people will mimic in here 77 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:45,359 Speaker 1: and use nonverbal behaviors like rolling of the eyes, scoffing 78 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:49,120 Speaker 1: at somebody, you know, that kind of stuff to bring 79 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,320 Speaker 1: somebody down, And like I said, the goal here is 80 00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:54,960 Speaker 1: to make somebody feel bad about themselves, and that can 81 00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:59,440 Speaker 1: be within somebody's worthiness, within their intellect, within their ableness, 82 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:02,680 Speaker 1: just there ability to do basic life tasks. And instead 83 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,719 Speaker 1: of focusing on the actual issue that started the argument 84 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:10,560 Speaker 1: or the confrontation of the conflict, you're now talking about 85 00:05:10,600 --> 00:05:13,240 Speaker 1: a partner's lack of worth as a human. And you 86 00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,599 Speaker 1: may be wondering, which would make a lot of sense, 87 00:05:16,120 --> 00:05:20,360 Speaker 1: why would someone want to treat someone they love this way? Well, 88 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,400 Speaker 1: I can't give you the full answer to that, because, 89 00:05:22,600 --> 00:05:26,400 Speaker 1: like I like to remind people, humans are nuanced. Everything 90 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:28,880 Speaker 1: that has to do with mental health is nuanced. There 91 00:05:28,880 --> 00:05:31,719 Speaker 1: are so many ways and reasons something can show up. 92 00:05:32,240 --> 00:05:34,800 Speaker 1: There's a multitude of reasons why somebody would want to 93 00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:37,440 Speaker 1: treat somebody this way, but one of them is because 94 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:41,480 Speaker 1: something that we do in relationships, especially relationships that feel 95 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:44,479 Speaker 1: unsafe for whatever reason, is we hoard our feelings and 96 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:48,120 Speaker 1: we hold our thoughts until they become somewhat distorted and 97 00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:51,040 Speaker 1: then contem pops up. When partners have these deep rooted, 98 00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:54,400 Speaker 1: ichy thoughts about the other person, it's as if they 99 00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:58,440 Speaker 1: have been letting these thoughts and feelings and all this 100 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:01,520 Speaker 1: stuff kind of like cook on low, like slowly simmering 101 00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:04,600 Speaker 1: inside of them. So I say that because these things 102 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:08,040 Speaker 1: that are said, these mean things that are said, don't 103 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:11,080 Speaker 1: come out of nowhere. However, to the person that they're 104 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:13,680 Speaker 1: said to, it might feel like that, like whoa what 105 00:06:13,839 --> 00:06:16,760 Speaker 1: in the world? Like how did we get here? Or 106 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:19,200 Speaker 1: how did we go from talking about the dishes not 107 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:23,600 Speaker 1: being done to me being a worthless, lazy person who 108 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,720 Speaker 1: never can figure out how to do one thing about themselves. 109 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:29,040 Speaker 1: It's because the other person has been sitting with all 110 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,719 Speaker 1: of these thoughts and these feelings and these things that 111 00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:34,000 Speaker 1: they've wanted to say but haven't said, and they might 112 00:06:34,040 --> 00:06:36,000 Speaker 1: be about the person or just their life in general. 113 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,200 Speaker 1: They've been stealing and stewing and steing, simmering, and then 114 00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,080 Speaker 1: they come out distort it. So I gave you that 115 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:45,880 Speaker 1: example of what a conversation that has contempt in it 116 00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:48,880 Speaker 1: can sound like in the beginning of the episode, But 117 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,240 Speaker 1: there's a lot of ways that this can show up 118 00:06:51,279 --> 00:06:54,000 Speaker 1: in a conversation or confrontation or just in the existence 119 00:06:54,040 --> 00:06:58,040 Speaker 1: of a relationship. Using the word pathetic is often something 120 00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,840 Speaker 1: that happens or a version of that word. Often a 121 00:07:01,839 --> 00:07:05,839 Speaker 1: partner will minimize their partner's experienced by comparing their feelings 122 00:07:05,839 --> 00:07:08,640 Speaker 1: to yours, like, oh, you think you've had a rough day, 123 00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:12,360 Speaker 1: try letting mine for one hour. You wouldn't last a 124 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,240 Speaker 1: second because you're such a baby. It's so embarrassing something 125 00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:19,840 Speaker 1: like that. You'll hear sentence stems like I feel like 126 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:22,880 Speaker 1: I'm talking to a child. You're so selfish. You should 127 00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:26,040 Speaker 1: be ashamed of yourself. How could you be so stupid? 128 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:28,560 Speaker 1: You're an idiot? Just like these mean I don't even 129 00:07:28,600 --> 00:07:32,320 Speaker 1: like saying those words. What I'm recording this, it feels 130 00:07:32,320 --> 00:07:34,320 Speaker 1: ikey me even just saying that. I'm not even saying 131 00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,400 Speaker 1: about anybody. I'm just giving you an example. But I 132 00:07:36,480 --> 00:07:38,920 Speaker 1: don't like saying those things there because they're mean. They're 133 00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:42,040 Speaker 1: just not kind. They're mean, they're not helpful, they don't 134 00:07:42,080 --> 00:07:44,480 Speaker 1: give any sort of solution, they're just like these mean 135 00:07:44,560 --> 00:07:48,160 Speaker 1: things that can stick to somebody. And often when you're confronted, 136 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:50,760 Speaker 1: when you confront your partner with hey, that was mean, 137 00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:52,560 Speaker 1: Like what's the point of that? Like I don't get 138 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,560 Speaker 1: while you're being so mean? Or that really hurt, they 139 00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:58,240 Speaker 1: will respond with something like what I'm just telling you 140 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:01,600 Speaker 1: like it is, or which this one really gets me, 141 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,200 Speaker 1: I'm just giving you the facts. If the truth is 142 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:05,720 Speaker 1: too hard for you to hear, then you might want 143 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:09,200 Speaker 1: to consider changing your behavior. Or it's not my fault. 144 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,200 Speaker 1: You're this way and they respond this way because their 145 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,240 Speaker 1: imo is not to understand how you feel, it's to 146 00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:16,760 Speaker 1: make you feel less than so then your bid for 147 00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:20,320 Speaker 1: mercy is almost scoffed at or laughed at. It's made 148 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,760 Speaker 1: fun of and then used as another way to describe 149 00:08:22,800 --> 00:08:25,520 Speaker 1: how pitiful you are. What it comes down to, though, 150 00:08:25,800 --> 00:08:29,920 Speaker 1: is contempt cannot, by any means exists in a relationship 151 00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,880 Speaker 1: if you want it to be healthy and feel safe, 152 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,120 Speaker 1: and you want it to last, which a lot of 153 00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:38,120 Speaker 1: people in relationships want their relationship to last. That makes sense, 154 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:43,079 Speaker 1: and contempt decomposes the respect that a relationship needs to survive. 155 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:46,199 Speaker 1: We need respect in our relationship. That should make sense 156 00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:50,040 Speaker 1: to everybody who's listening to this. It's impossible to create 157 00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:54,000 Speaker 1: intimate connection with somebody when your relationship is deprived of 158 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:58,400 Speaker 1: basic respect of one another. The person who was targeted 159 00:08:58,440 --> 00:09:01,360 Speaker 1: with the contempt and a relationship ship is made to 160 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:07,400 Speaker 1: feel despised and disgusted and worthless. And the only way 161 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:10,160 Speaker 1: someone's going to stay in the cycle of feeling that 162 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:13,360 Speaker 1: way is if they feel trapped, as if they don't 163 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:16,160 Speaker 1: have the ability to leave, or it's unsafe to leave, 164 00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:19,080 Speaker 1: they cannot survive if they leave, not because they really 165 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:22,240 Speaker 1: want to stay. Now, the good news that I want 166 00:09:22,240 --> 00:09:26,840 Speaker 1: everybody to hear is for every horseman. Doctor Gottman also 167 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:32,280 Speaker 1: developed an antidote, and the antidote for contempt is building 168 00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:36,240 Speaker 1: a culture of appreciation and respect. He has a book. 169 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:37,640 Speaker 1: He has a lot of books, but he has a 170 00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:41,000 Speaker 1: book specifically called Why Marriages Succeed and Fail, and he 171 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:44,120 Speaker 1: says this in that book. When contempt begins to overwhelm 172 00:09:44,120 --> 00:09:48,040 Speaker 1: your relationship, you tend to forget entirely your partner's positive qualities. 173 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,320 Speaker 1: At least while you're feeling upset. You can't remember a 174 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:55,800 Speaker 1: single positive quality or act. This immediate decay of admiration 175 00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,880 Speaker 1: is an important reason why contempt ought to be banned 176 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:02,320 Speaker 1: from marital interact actions. So I share with you that 177 00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:05,520 Speaker 1: part of his or that couple of sentences in his book, 178 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:10,480 Speaker 1: because the antidote for contempt is admiration, and there are 179 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,960 Speaker 1: a couple of ways that he suggests, and a couple 180 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:22,920 Speaker 1: of tools he gives to help people build that. So 181 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:25,240 Speaker 1: how do you start to build admiration and respect back up? 182 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,520 Speaker 1: One of the mottos that the Gotmans bring into this 183 00:10:28,559 --> 00:10:33,160 Speaker 1: conversation is small things often. Basically, this means what it says, 184 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:37,760 Speaker 1: regularly often share small things that you appreciate and admire 185 00:10:37,760 --> 00:10:40,520 Speaker 1: about your partner. The more you focus on the good 186 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,400 Speaker 1: you see in your partner, the more you're going to 187 00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:45,280 Speaker 1: see it, and then the more you'll have. It builds 188 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,079 Speaker 1: in the saying I love, the saying myself. Where you stare, 189 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,680 Speaker 1: you'll steer. If we are looking for ways to bring 190 00:10:50,679 --> 00:10:53,000 Speaker 1: our partners down, we will see those, and we will 191 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:55,680 Speaker 1: really see those in the majority. We'll see it often, 192 00:10:56,400 --> 00:10:59,320 Speaker 1: and vice versa. If we're looking for things that we 193 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,360 Speaker 1: admire and we appreciate our partner, we will overlook the 194 00:11:02,440 --> 00:11:04,560 Speaker 1: other things that bother us, and then we will have 195 00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,320 Speaker 1: an abundance of the things we really really care about 196 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,360 Speaker 1: and that make a smile when we think of I 197 00:11:10,480 --> 00:11:13,640 Speaker 1: shared with my boyfriend Patrick a while back that one 198 00:11:13,679 --> 00:11:17,760 Speaker 1: thing that bothered me and our relationship is the way 199 00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:21,640 Speaker 1: that he often can interrupt and talk over me in conversations, 200 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:23,760 Speaker 1: and I think I might have even talked about this 201 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:26,080 Speaker 1: last week in the episode. I know I've talked about 202 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:28,920 Speaker 1: at some point, and since then, Patrick has paid a 203 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,920 Speaker 1: lot of attention to that. It's very obvious that he 204 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,280 Speaker 1: does that, and I appreciate that. But it was never 205 00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:37,920 Speaker 1: going to be something that broke our relationship. It was 206 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:39,840 Speaker 1: never going to be something that I left him over, 207 00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:43,360 Speaker 1: because that's not how I look at him. I don't 208 00:11:43,440 --> 00:11:45,360 Speaker 1: look at him and try to find things that I 209 00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,400 Speaker 1: don't like about him. I look at him and pick 210 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,480 Speaker 1: out all of these things that I really do love, 211 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,240 Speaker 1: these things that I do admire, these things that do 212 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:56,040 Speaker 1: make me excited to be with him. And so when 213 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:59,080 Speaker 1: I shared that with him, to me, it was like, oh, 214 00:11:59,160 --> 00:12:00,840 Speaker 1: I guess if I had to pick this one thing 215 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,400 Speaker 1: that I didn't like about you, I guess it would 216 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,600 Speaker 1: be this. But it really doesn't make that big of 217 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,640 Speaker 1: a deal to me. It's not going to be something 218 00:12:08,679 --> 00:12:11,080 Speaker 1: that makes or break because this is not building upon 219 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,520 Speaker 1: all these other things. It just is this one thing 220 00:12:13,559 --> 00:12:16,280 Speaker 1: that sits there. And then really what's building owns all 221 00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:18,439 Speaker 1: these things I love about you? Because when I look 222 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:21,320 Speaker 1: at you, that's what I look for which leads me 223 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:25,240 Speaker 1: into the next little tool that the goatmans have offered 224 00:12:25,280 --> 00:12:27,960 Speaker 1: us in this antidote, and it's the five one magic ratio. 225 00:12:28,600 --> 00:12:32,160 Speaker 1: And this magic ratio is five to one positive to 226 00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:35,600 Speaker 1: negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed, which 227 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:39,280 Speaker 1: just basically means that they found for every negative interaction 228 00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:42,160 Speaker 1: a couple has, they need five positives to balance that 229 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:43,880 Speaker 1: one out. And if you can do that, then your 230 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,440 Speaker 1: relationship essentially will stay in like the green, you will 231 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:49,959 Speaker 1: be in the clear. I think, like bank accounts were 232 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,439 Speaker 1: not in the red. We're in the green, but if 233 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:54,160 Speaker 1: we only have three to one, then we might be 234 00:12:54,559 --> 00:12:56,480 Speaker 1: in the red. So we got to build that up 235 00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:58,680 Speaker 1: and we have that five. So I share that example 236 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,400 Speaker 1: of the one thing I looked at and I was like, 237 00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,520 Speaker 1: I really like this about sometimes when we communicate the 238 00:13:04,559 --> 00:13:07,559 Speaker 1: fact that you are talking over me or interrupting me. 239 00:13:08,040 --> 00:13:09,920 Speaker 1: But because I look at you and I see all 240 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:12,000 Speaker 1: these other ways that you should try to show up 241 00:13:12,040 --> 00:13:14,720 Speaker 1: for me, and that you're intentional, and that these other 242 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,600 Speaker 1: cues that you give me that tell me that you're 243 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:19,520 Speaker 1: paying attention. We're in the green, and you can have 244 00:13:19,559 --> 00:13:22,200 Speaker 1: this thing that I'm not obsessed with, but it's not 245 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:25,040 Speaker 1: going to threaten our relationship because I have these other 246 00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:27,679 Speaker 1: things that I really try to focus on. Another thing 247 00:13:27,720 --> 00:13:30,200 Speaker 1: that therapists will often do with couples who are caught 248 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,760 Speaker 1: in this stance is ask them about when they fell 249 00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:36,200 Speaker 1: in love with their partner, and you'll have them just 250 00:13:36,280 --> 00:13:39,280 Speaker 1: tell stories and reminisce about what it was that brought 251 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,440 Speaker 1: them together. And this can be really helpful because you 252 00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:44,600 Speaker 1: can start to see the big picture qualities you love 253 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:47,840 Speaker 1: about someone more than the little daily annoyances that you 254 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,920 Speaker 1: let build up. And honestly, I really love that. I'm 255 00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:54,160 Speaker 1: like smiling as I read this because I love the 256 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:58,840 Speaker 1: antidote of contempt as an Inneagram seven. This might not 257 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:02,960 Speaker 1: surprise you love a nice compliment. I love looking at 258 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:06,120 Speaker 1: the bright side, and I love wearing rose colored glasses. 259 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:09,240 Speaker 1: Now there's a point where that may be getting us 260 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:12,960 Speaker 1: into unhealthy territory, but in this experience, looking for the 261 00:14:13,040 --> 00:14:16,040 Speaker 1: good in someone often maybe the thing that can get 262 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:19,000 Speaker 1: your relationship back on track. And looking for the good 263 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:22,040 Speaker 1: often not just in the times where things are getting rough, 264 00:14:22,440 --> 00:14:25,680 Speaker 1: but you're you wake up, getting out of bed, you 265 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:28,360 Speaker 1: walk in the door looking for the good thing rather 266 00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,320 Speaker 1: than expecting the bad. That's something that can help get 267 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:33,560 Speaker 1: your relationship back on track because then you start to 268 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:36,840 Speaker 1: notice the things that you actually appreciate instead of those 269 00:14:36,880 --> 00:14:40,000 Speaker 1: being overshadowed by the thing that you don't like. I've 270 00:14:40,040 --> 00:14:42,080 Speaker 1: shared one of my favorite quotes from The Glass Castle 271 00:14:42,360 --> 00:14:44,960 Speaker 1: with y'all before, but it makes sense to bring back here. 272 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,800 Speaker 1: And in the book, the mom is talking to her 273 00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:51,760 Speaker 1: daughter and she says in part this, everyone has something 274 00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:54,680 Speaker 1: good about them. You have to find the redeeming qualities 275 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:57,640 Speaker 1: and love the person for that. And I love that 276 00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:00,240 Speaker 1: little part of the book for a million reasons, but 277 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,720 Speaker 1: one I love it because, Yeah, our partners have something 278 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,400 Speaker 1: good about them. Obviously, there is a reason that we 279 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:08,320 Speaker 1: are with them. There is something that we saw and 280 00:15:08,320 --> 00:15:11,560 Speaker 1: then that drew us close to them. Sometimes life gets 281 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:13,840 Speaker 1: in the way, and disappointments get in the way, and 282 00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,560 Speaker 1: stress gets in the way, and let downs get in 283 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,640 Speaker 1: the way, and we forget about those things that we 284 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,000 Speaker 1: actually at the base of our relationship, At the roots 285 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:27,240 Speaker 1: of our relationship we love and cherish, and so a 286 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:29,360 Speaker 1: lot of the antidote, when it comes down to a 287 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:32,200 Speaker 1: lot of the antidote to contempt is getting back to 288 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:34,480 Speaker 1: the roots of why did I fall in love with 289 00:15:34,520 --> 00:15:37,640 Speaker 1: this person? Why did I originally want this person to 290 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:41,040 Speaker 1: be in my life? And if those reasons are solid, 291 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:44,880 Speaker 1: if those reasons are authentic, then there's a good chance 292 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,800 Speaker 1: you can, if you have your partners help as well. 293 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,760 Speaker 1: You can't do this by yourself, get your relationship back 294 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,480 Speaker 1: on the track that you originally started on. Now, this 295 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:58,360 Speaker 1: episode is not about narcissism or emotional manipulation, So of 296 00:15:58,400 --> 00:16:00,680 Speaker 1: course there's a part of me that wants to get 297 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,880 Speaker 1: give about fifty disclaimers to y'all. But as most of 298 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,200 Speaker 1: you know, that kind of information that I share on 299 00:16:06,280 --> 00:16:10,080 Speaker 1: here is nuanced, and relationships and people are nuanced, and 300 00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:15,120 Speaker 1: nothing is one size fits all. Some relationships that have 301 00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,560 Speaker 1: contempt within their walls will not change, and the best 302 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:20,520 Speaker 1: thing someone can do is to find a safe way out. 303 00:16:21,160 --> 00:16:23,400 Speaker 1: And when you have a partner that's unable to play 304 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,160 Speaker 1: a part in the antidote for whatever reason, it becomes 305 00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:30,080 Speaker 1: unsafe to wear those rose colored glasses all the time 306 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,800 Speaker 1: that I was talking about earlier that help you get 307 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,560 Speaker 1: out of that cycle. Sometimes you need to take those 308 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:38,320 Speaker 1: off to see, Oh, I can do everything in my power, 309 00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,040 Speaker 1: but I can't change another person. I can only change 310 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:44,840 Speaker 1: my responses and how I show up. And so I 311 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,960 Speaker 1: don't want anyone to hear this episode and hear me 312 00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,560 Speaker 1: say that all they need to do is ignore all 313 00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,240 Speaker 1: the signs of abuse and manipulation in their relationship and 314 00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:56,080 Speaker 1: then that's how you make it work, because that's often 315 00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,760 Speaker 1: not how you make it work. That's how you find 316 00:16:57,760 --> 00:17:01,600 Speaker 1: safety and a healthier relationship in your future. So I 317 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,000 Speaker 1: just wanted to say that at the end. So I 318 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,240 Speaker 1: don't give false hope or just false information to anybody 319 00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:09,919 Speaker 1: with anything. I like you guys, to take what you 320 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,200 Speaker 1: hear from me with a grain of salt. I cannot 321 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:16,840 Speaker 1: give information on the podcast to a mass group of 322 00:17:16,880 --> 00:17:20,240 Speaker 1: people that is going to make sense in every scenario 323 00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,119 Speaker 1: to every mass group of people out there. And again, 324 00:17:24,640 --> 00:17:27,840 Speaker 1: you can change if you're the person who is coming 325 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,120 Speaker 1: to your partner with contempt, if you're the person being contemptuous, 326 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,040 Speaker 1: and maybe you're both doing it, and so it's not 327 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:38,400 Speaker 1: just on you, but you can change those things in yourself. 328 00:17:38,480 --> 00:17:41,600 Speaker 1: So these antidotes, that's going to change how you respond 329 00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:43,919 Speaker 1: to your partner and how you see them. It's not 330 00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:46,160 Speaker 1: going to change how they see you and how they 331 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:49,280 Speaker 1: respond to you. You can't control that, So I want you, 332 00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:51,879 Speaker 1: guys to this is a shorter episode, so if you 333 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:54,359 Speaker 1: need to run it back and listen to it again. 334 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:58,360 Speaker 1: With that kind of lens that I'm looking at myself, 335 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:02,760 Speaker 1: how can I shift myself my experiences and my actions, 336 00:18:02,920 --> 00:18:06,440 Speaker 1: not my partners, that might be helpful. As always, I 337 00:18:06,480 --> 00:18:08,840 Speaker 1: didn't say this in the beginning, but this podcast is 338 00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,440 Speaker 1: not a replacement or a substitute for actual mental health services. 339 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,880 Speaker 1: So if you find yourself in a cycle of contempt, 340 00:18:15,359 --> 00:18:17,200 Speaker 1: it might be a good spot for you to reach 341 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:19,520 Speaker 1: out for some help, if that is something that is 342 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,800 Speaker 1: available to you, if that's something within your means, it 343 00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:25,879 Speaker 1: could be really helpful to go and have a third party, 344 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,760 Speaker 1: preferably a therapist, sit with you and help you work 345 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,560 Speaker 1: through some of these just at this point they might 346 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,520 Speaker 1: be like natural inclinations to say certain things that aren't 347 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:38,160 Speaker 1: actually very helpful in a relationship. And so I hope 348 00:18:38,160 --> 00:18:41,399 Speaker 1: you guys hear what I'm trying to offer you and 349 00:18:41,560 --> 00:18:44,600 Speaker 1: not what I am not trying to offer you, as always, 350 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:49,119 Speaker 1: and there you have it. Contempt The Second Horseman and 351 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:54,640 Speaker 1: John Gottman's Four Horsemen's of the Apocalypse of relationships. Next 352 00:18:54,720 --> 00:18:59,439 Speaker 1: week we will be talking about defensiveness, which is something 353 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,520 Speaker 1: that I can relate to and I bet a lot 354 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:03,840 Speaker 1: of you can relate to that as well, because it's 355 00:19:03,840 --> 00:19:07,000 Speaker 1: a human experience to be defensive. You can follow me 356 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:11,359 Speaker 1: on Instagram and the podcast at UNI Therapy podcast and 357 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,880 Speaker 1: at Kat dot defata. You can send any questions you have, 358 00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,119 Speaker 1: specifically if you have questions for couch talks, so you 359 00:19:18,119 --> 00:19:21,320 Speaker 1: can send them to me at Catherine at UNI Therapy 360 00:19:21,359 --> 00:19:24,480 Speaker 1: podcast dot com. And I hope that you guys have 361 00:19:24,720 --> 00:19:26,840 Speaker 1: the day you need to have. I will talk to 362 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:28,760 Speaker 1: you guys again on Wednesday.