1 00:00:05,640 --> 00:00:09,200 Speaker 1: Hello, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, 2 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,000 Speaker 1: the podcast where we talk through some of the big 3 00:00:12,119 --> 00:00:15,880 Speaker 1: life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they 4 00:00:15,920 --> 00:00:25,520 Speaker 1: mean for our psychology. Hello everybody, Welcome back to the podcast. 5 00:00:26,160 --> 00:00:30,080 Speaker 1: Welcome back to a new episode. New listeners, old listeners, 6 00:00:30,840 --> 00:00:34,480 Speaker 1: wherever you are in the world. I am so stoked 7 00:00:34,600 --> 00:00:38,360 Speaker 1: to have you here for perhaps my most highly requested 8 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,680 Speaker 1: podcast episode of all time. Every week I receive so 9 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:48,839 Speaker 1: many dms from people who have had their hearts absolutely shuttered, 10 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,720 Speaker 1: who have been through the worst breakup of their lives, 11 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:56,440 Speaker 1: who are grieving the end of a relationship, and today 12 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,040 Speaker 1: we're going to tackle all of it. We're going to 13 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:05,479 Speaker 1: discuss the nitty gritty science and research and psychology behind 14 00:01:05,600 --> 00:01:11,119 Speaker 1: our brains and our bodies and our emotions during a breakup, 15 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:16,399 Speaker 1: why they leave such lasting emotional scars, and how we 16 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:22,160 Speaker 1: can essentially move on and really begin to realize the 17 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:27,040 Speaker 1: best versions of ourselves in the midst of heartache. On 18 00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:30,400 Speaker 1: a personal note, those who have listened to this show 19 00:01:30,440 --> 00:01:34,119 Speaker 1: for a while will know that this podcast emerged from 20 00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:37,520 Speaker 1: the ruins of a relationship, one that I had in 21 00:01:37,560 --> 00:01:41,520 Speaker 1: my early twenties and this show, this podcast, all that 22 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:44,800 Speaker 1: it's become. It was kind of my savior, my little 23 00:01:44,800 --> 00:01:48,320 Speaker 1: passion project that got me through a rough time and 24 00:01:48,360 --> 00:01:51,040 Speaker 1: allowed me to really reclaim a lot of my identity 25 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:55,600 Speaker 1: and my independence. And that very X actually came on 26 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:58,600 Speaker 1: the show a few months back. But right as I 27 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:02,280 Speaker 1: was beginning to heal from that breakup, I started seeing 28 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:06,520 Speaker 1: someone else. I can safely say it was never very 29 00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,680 Speaker 1: serious in the way that my previous relationship was. I 30 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:14,560 Speaker 1: never really dreamed of marrying this person, and you know, 31 00:02:14,639 --> 00:02:17,640 Speaker 1: God forbid having children with him, let alone a lease 32 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,919 Speaker 1: or a mortgage. But when it came to an end, 33 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,560 Speaker 1: it crushed me. It destroyed me in a way that 34 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,760 Speaker 1: for the last eight to ten months I really never 35 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:32,080 Speaker 1: thought I was going to recover from. It's really funny 36 00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:37,640 Speaker 1: how our brains take these intense romantic experiences and do 37 00:02:37,840 --> 00:02:42,000 Speaker 1: not let go. And I spent so many weeks and 38 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:46,520 Speaker 1: months almost begging my mind to move on, to stop 39 00:02:46,639 --> 00:02:50,880 Speaker 1: obsessing and thinking about all the what ifs, And then 40 00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,480 Speaker 1: the other day a flip just kind of switched in 41 00:02:54,560 --> 00:02:57,560 Speaker 1: my brain. I was driving home from somewhere I don't 42 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:01,120 Speaker 1: really remember where, and for all of my Taylor Swift 43 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:05,480 Speaker 1: fans out there. The song clean came on honestly number 44 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:09,000 Speaker 1: one breakup song, but I just had this weird epiphany 45 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,839 Speaker 1: where I was like, Yeah, I'm ready to move on now, 46 00:03:13,280 --> 00:03:16,560 Speaker 1: and I'm ready to make this episode. I've read so 47 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,880 Speaker 1: many books, I've done the research for my own sake, 48 00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:23,280 Speaker 1: I've done the work, been to therapy, consulted all of 49 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,520 Speaker 1: my friends who would listen. So let's talk about it. 50 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,120 Speaker 1: And I really want to talk to my fellow twenty 51 00:03:29,200 --> 00:03:32,440 Speaker 1: something year olds who are going through or have gone 52 00:03:32,520 --> 00:03:37,880 Speaker 1: through the exact same thing. Breakups are hard, They are 53 00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:43,400 Speaker 1: incredibly confusing and raw and terrible, but they are also 54 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,000 Speaker 1: such a sacred time I think for self growth and 55 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,320 Speaker 1: personal development. You know, I don't believe I would be 56 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,440 Speaker 1: the person I am today without the formative breakups that 57 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,840 Speaker 1: I've gone through in my twenties. They each have taught 58 00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:02,560 Speaker 1: me something so unique and completely diverted my life path. 59 00:04:03,080 --> 00:04:06,080 Speaker 1: It's also such a common pattern of behavior to leave 60 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:11,560 Speaker 1: or exit a relationship and suddenly become like really obsessed 61 00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:14,920 Speaker 1: with the gym or your work. To find that you 62 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,760 Speaker 1: have more time for your friends and for your family 63 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:22,560 Speaker 1: and for yourself. And I believe it's because this experience 64 00:04:22,720 --> 00:04:27,800 Speaker 1: presents such a pivotal time to realize the best version 65 00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:32,680 Speaker 1: of yourself, even whilst we're still often hurting and grieving. 66 00:04:33,240 --> 00:04:37,640 Speaker 1: You know, two complex versions of ourselves too, emotional states 67 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:42,120 Speaker 1: can exist at once. So what I want to do 68 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:48,359 Speaker 1: today is break down that complexity and reveal what's really 69 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:55,279 Speaker 1: going on neurologically and psychologically when our relationships come to 70 00:04:55,320 --> 00:04:58,839 Speaker 1: an end. We are going to cover what happens to 71 00:04:58,960 --> 00:05:03,120 Speaker 1: our brains in the weeks and months following a breakup, 72 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,120 Speaker 1: why we react the way we do, why the experience 73 00:05:07,279 --> 00:05:11,359 Speaker 1: is so uniquely painful. We're going to discuss how we 74 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:15,720 Speaker 1: can actually apply the stages of grief to the end 75 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:19,719 Speaker 1: of a relationship, and why actually sometimes it's our shorter 76 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:25,400 Speaker 1: relationships that can be so much more significant. Of course, 77 00:05:25,600 --> 00:05:30,040 Speaker 1: we can't talk about breakups without a discussion on heartbreak, 78 00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:35,040 Speaker 1: but also how we can move on and heal. What 79 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:39,240 Speaker 1: advice does psychology have for us in those moments when 80 00:05:39,240 --> 00:05:42,880 Speaker 1: we are so done with the relationship, so ready to 81 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,960 Speaker 1: move on, but still feel really stuck in the past 82 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,480 Speaker 1: and in the memories of the person and what was 83 00:05:51,040 --> 00:05:54,240 Speaker 1: for my heartbroken people out there, for those on the 84 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:58,920 Speaker 1: mend those who are grieving. This episode is for you. 85 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:02,440 Speaker 1: I've been there, I know your pain, and I want 86 00:06:02,440 --> 00:06:05,080 Speaker 1: to give you the guidance and the advice that I 87 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:09,440 Speaker 1: so wished that i'd had earlier. So, without further ado, 88 00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:14,960 Speaker 1: let's break down the psychology of breakups, the psychology of heartbreak, 89 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,839 Speaker 1: and how to heal, how to flourish, how to let go. 90 00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:28,360 Speaker 1: I think that heartbreak is a universal experience for those 91 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:32,960 Speaker 1: of us in our twenties. We spend this decade dating 92 00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:37,320 Speaker 1: and figuring out what we like, falling in love so 93 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:43,000 Speaker 1: effortlessly and carelessly, believing that these characters are the loves 94 00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:46,440 Speaker 1: of our lives. And then one day it's all over, 95 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,040 Speaker 1: and whether you were the one who ended things or not, 96 00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:55,280 Speaker 1: both parties are left picking up the pieces. It's an 97 00:06:55,320 --> 00:07:01,040 Speaker 1: incredibly powerful experience, sometimes life changing, always memorable. I think 98 00:07:01,080 --> 00:07:04,080 Speaker 1: evidence of that is how fascinated we are by the 99 00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:07,880 Speaker 1: end of relationships. We talk about it all the time, 100 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,440 Speaker 1: we discuss it with our friends. People write some of 101 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,760 Speaker 1: the greatest songs of all time on the back of 102 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:19,360 Speaker 1: a bad breakup. Entire genres of movies and books and 103 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:24,560 Speaker 1: televisions is created on the premise of heartache. And heartbreak 104 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:29,240 Speaker 1: because the emotional and even physical impact is so profound 105 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:34,280 Speaker 1: and significant. So what exactly goes on in our brains 106 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:38,360 Speaker 1: at the end of a relationship? I think human connection 107 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:43,080 Speaker 1: is incredibly beautiful and you love well, that's one of 108 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:46,480 Speaker 1: the best feelings out there. Someone really argue it's our 109 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:50,440 Speaker 1: entire reason for being to be seen by someone else 110 00:07:50,560 --> 00:07:54,400 Speaker 1: and cared for and understood. Well. Not only do I 111 00:07:54,480 --> 00:07:58,040 Speaker 1: hope that that's been everyone's experience, but it really does 112 00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:04,040 Speaker 1: change how our brain interprets the world. The saying goes 113 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,680 Speaker 1: that love is a drug, but it's actually not just 114 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:11,320 Speaker 1: a saying. It's very much true. Falling in love releases 115 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:17,640 Speaker 1: so many powerful neurotransmitters and chemicals like dopamine, like serotonin, 116 00:08:17,760 --> 00:08:22,160 Speaker 1: like oxytocin, all of which are really important for pleasure 117 00:08:22,320 --> 00:08:29,280 Speaker 1: and passion, bonding, and other intense feelings. Researchers have found 118 00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:34,560 Speaker 1: that intense feelings of romantic love affect the brain in 119 00:08:34,600 --> 00:08:39,400 Speaker 1: the same way as powerful drugs. This professor doctor Helen Fisher. 120 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:44,480 Speaker 1: She's an anthropologist and a relationship researcher. She conducted a 121 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:48,360 Speaker 1: series of studies on this very interaction between our brain 122 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:53,160 Speaker 1: chemistry and the feeling of love. Specifically, she found that 123 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:58,200 Speaker 1: the same chemicals, that is, massive amounts of dopamine and 124 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:02,319 Speaker 1: serotonin are in play, and many of the same brain 125 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:06,600 Speaker 1: pathways and structures are active when we are falling in love, 126 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:10,440 Speaker 1: as when we are enjoying a cocaine high. And we 127 00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:14,359 Speaker 1: all know that illegal drugs like cocaine are incredibly addictive, 128 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:18,120 Speaker 1: and we can logic that love, given it activates many 129 00:09:18,160 --> 00:09:23,280 Speaker 1: of the same neurological reactions, is the same. You've probably 130 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:27,040 Speaker 1: even felt those powerful effects our you know, the rose 131 00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:30,600 Speaker 1: tinted glasses as we call it, that are brought on 132 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:35,640 Speaker 1: by this influx and this rush of chemicals in our brain. 133 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:40,439 Speaker 1: So well, what happens when that source of our love, 134 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,520 Speaker 1: often our relationship, and the validation and the warm gioey 135 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:50,160 Speaker 1: feelings comes to an end. It's a sad reality. You know. 136 00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:53,560 Speaker 1: We go from talking to that person every day, from 137 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:57,000 Speaker 1: celebrating our successes with them and warning our losses and 138 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:01,440 Speaker 1: our failures. You know, we know every thing about them, 139 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:06,400 Speaker 1: and when that's over, essentially our brain goes into withdrawal. 140 00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:11,160 Speaker 1: You've spent the last six months, the last five years, 141 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:15,440 Speaker 1: however long it may be, receiving that stimulation and the 142 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:19,680 Speaker 1: release of these powerful neurotransmitters and then it drops off 143 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:25,440 Speaker 1: and the brain is left scrambling for more, trying to 144 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:32,600 Speaker 1: re establish that sense of homeostasis and normalcy. So post breakup, 145 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:36,360 Speaker 1: especially if you go no contact, which I would definitely 146 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:39,640 Speaker 1: recommend and we'll talk about that later, but your brain 147 00:10:39,880 --> 00:10:43,920 Speaker 1: enters basically a state of acute wanting, and it makes 148 00:10:43,920 --> 00:10:46,480 Speaker 1: it really difficult for us to focus on anything other 149 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,320 Speaker 1: than that person that we're missing. In fact, this relative 150 00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:56,080 Speaker 1: kind of deficit in the neurotransmitters associated with collegible feelings 151 00:10:56,200 --> 00:10:59,480 Speaker 1: and happiness, but also with that person. It can even 152 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:05,520 Speaker 1: give eyes to symptoms that resemble clinical depression or withdrawal, 153 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:10,960 Speaker 1: and that is the love withdrawal hypothesis. It explains why 154 00:11:11,040 --> 00:11:14,160 Speaker 1: we find that in the months after a breakup, we 155 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:18,760 Speaker 1: just crave this person like they're a drug. We want 156 00:11:18,760 --> 00:11:22,160 Speaker 1: to call them for closure or whatever reason you give. 157 00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:26,480 Speaker 1: We become obsessed and unable to move on, but also 158 00:11:26,559 --> 00:11:30,400 Speaker 1: willing to do really stupid and wild things, just as 159 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,800 Speaker 1: a person who is fighting a drug addiction would do. 160 00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:39,679 Speaker 1: Someone who is heartbroken obsesses and craves their X because 161 00:11:39,720 --> 00:11:43,680 Speaker 1: they are essentially kicking an addiction. That this person has 162 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:48,000 Speaker 1: created for them a love addiction, a neurochemical addiction. That 163 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:52,040 Speaker 1: is one possible theory that kind of explains why breakups 164 00:11:52,080 --> 00:11:56,080 Speaker 1: are so unpleasant, even when we know it was the 165 00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:00,400 Speaker 1: right decision and we are entirely rational that we have 166 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:04,000 Speaker 1: no future with this person, that this needed to happen. 167 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:11,079 Speaker 1: That doesn't lessen our neurological response. Logic doesn't supersede biology 168 00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:15,360 Speaker 1: in these instances. That was a huge struggle for me. 169 00:12:15,559 --> 00:12:18,640 Speaker 1: You know, I mentioned my last breakup and how much 170 00:12:18,679 --> 00:12:21,560 Speaker 1: it shook me up, But the hardest part of that 171 00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,320 Speaker 1: was knowing without a doubt that I could do better. 172 00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,680 Speaker 1: But my heart still hurts so deeply because my brain 173 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:33,000 Speaker 1: was in the process of healing and healing an addiction 174 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:38,360 Speaker 1: to this other person. This really links with another explanation. 175 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:42,640 Speaker 1: I'm just realizing that there are so many cliche phrases 176 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:46,800 Speaker 1: about breakups that we're talking about today. It was totally unintentional, 177 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,520 Speaker 1: but I think it really goes to show how much 178 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:53,360 Speaker 1: of our culture and our language is really influenced by 179 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:57,400 Speaker 1: this experience. I'm sure we've all heard people talk about 180 00:12:57,440 --> 00:13:00,440 Speaker 1: the end of a relationship and say how the heart 181 00:13:00,640 --> 00:13:04,640 Speaker 1: is crushed or their heart is broken. We hear people 182 00:13:05,040 --> 00:13:08,880 Speaker 1: wail and sob and talk about, you know, this almost 183 00:13:09,080 --> 00:13:12,800 Speaker 1: physical pain that they're in. You know, you don't really 184 00:13:12,880 --> 00:13:16,080 Speaker 1: understand that pain until you've been through it, and we 185 00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:20,520 Speaker 1: often dismiss this level of suffering as overdramatic or exaggerated. 186 00:13:20,920 --> 00:13:25,280 Speaker 1: But the science shows that getting our heart broken is 187 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:31,120 Speaker 1: very much comparable to real physical pain, much like breaking 188 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:34,480 Speaker 1: an arm. This pain, it's not just in the body, 189 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:38,800 Speaker 1: it's also in the mind. And that is especially the 190 00:13:38,840 --> 00:13:43,960 Speaker 1: case for an emotional pain as profound as detaching from 191 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:48,000 Speaker 1: someone we were super attached to. MRI scans on the 192 00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:52,920 Speaker 1: brain have shown that the withdrawal of romantic love activates 193 00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:55,800 Speaker 1: the very same parts of the brain which are triggered 194 00:13:55,800 --> 00:14:00,320 Speaker 1: when you're in physical pain. Similar to the previous we 195 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:04,280 Speaker 1: talked about. These researchers in the US, what they did 196 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,959 Speaker 1: was they showed people pictures of their exes, and then 197 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,920 Speaker 1: they looked at what areas of the brain lit up 198 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:14,600 Speaker 1: compared to when they were shown neutral pictures of their 199 00:14:14,640 --> 00:14:18,120 Speaker 1: family or their friends. They compared these images of the 200 00:14:18,160 --> 00:14:21,800 Speaker 1: brain and what they found was it was really similar 201 00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:26,040 Speaker 1: to the brain scans and the brain images of people 202 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,720 Speaker 1: who were undergoing a moderate to a severe amount of 203 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:35,480 Speaker 1: physical pain. It revealed that our brain processes emotional pain 204 00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,400 Speaker 1: and the same areas in the same region as physical pain. 205 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,480 Speaker 1: That's why, although there may not be something causing us 206 00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:49,600 Speaker 1: an explicit physical injury, we still feel the sting of 207 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:53,560 Speaker 1: a breakup and the sting of heartbreak. Mentally, and actually, 208 00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:57,560 Speaker 1: to some extent, this experience may even mimic pain in 209 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:01,920 Speaker 1: our bodies, physical pain that explain that ache in the 210 00:15:02,040 --> 00:15:07,480 Speaker 1: chest that is often so common, the loss of appetite, 211 00:15:07,520 --> 00:15:12,240 Speaker 1: the nausea, the fatigue, the activation of fight or flight 212 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:15,920 Speaker 1: mode right after the end of a relationship. We talk 213 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:19,240 Speaker 1: about this reaction quite a bit on the show. Our 214 00:15:19,280 --> 00:15:22,920 Speaker 1: flight or fight mode is essentially our body's unconscious and 215 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:27,880 Speaker 1: automatic response to a perceived threat. When you go through 216 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:31,960 Speaker 1: a breakup, especially one that's unexpected, your body may register 217 00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,320 Speaker 1: it as an emergency and go into fight or flight 218 00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:39,160 Speaker 1: mode or even a state of shock. Essentially, what our 219 00:15:39,240 --> 00:15:42,680 Speaker 1: body is doing is adjusting to a perceived threat to 220 00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:49,880 Speaker 1: our survival. Evolutionarily, abandonment by a mate signified danger, and 221 00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:54,640 Speaker 1: that instinct is still alive and still active in our bodies. 222 00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:59,440 Speaker 1: Being in this state triggers the release of hormones that 223 00:15:59,520 --> 00:16:03,040 Speaker 1: can prepare our body to deal with a threat or 224 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:07,640 Speaker 1: to run to safety. It can also trigger that response 225 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:11,080 Speaker 1: that we talked about, all of those physical symptoms. So 226 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:15,680 Speaker 1: even though the heartbreak, the loss of this person, this partner, 227 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,720 Speaker 1: may be in the mind, our body also feels it. 228 00:16:20,160 --> 00:16:23,359 Speaker 1: You know, we spend so much time learning this individual, 229 00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:27,640 Speaker 1: investing in the relationship, accepting their support and their validation, 230 00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:32,320 Speaker 1: building trust, and then subtly that is gone and we 231 00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:36,560 Speaker 1: don't know how to cope. We may even question how 232 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:41,120 Speaker 1: we'll survive without them, and that triggers this very ancient 233 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:46,720 Speaker 1: physical and cognitive reaction. This idea of a loss of 234 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,160 Speaker 1: investment is another thing I really want to touch on. 235 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,720 Speaker 1: Relationships can be incredibly fulfilling, but I think the older 236 00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,160 Speaker 1: we get, the later into our twenties, even into our 237 00:16:56,200 --> 00:17:00,960 Speaker 1: thirties or forties, the more we realize that they're also work. 238 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:06,160 Speaker 1: A really valuable article written by Insider said this really perfectly, 239 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,199 Speaker 1: so I have to share when you spend months or 240 00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:13,640 Speaker 1: years building your life with someone, breaking up with them 241 00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:17,719 Speaker 1: can feel like you've lost all of the emotional energy 242 00:17:18,320 --> 00:17:22,720 Speaker 1: and the material resources and the time you spent maintaining 243 00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:29,200 Speaker 1: that partnership. Relationships involve big investments from us, time away 244 00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:35,320 Speaker 1: from family, big feelings, attention, money, So losing a partner, 245 00:17:35,760 --> 00:17:38,399 Speaker 1: not through death or anything like that, breaking up with 246 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,480 Speaker 1: them it can make you feel as though everything you've 247 00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:45,720 Speaker 1: put into that relationship was, at the end of the 248 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:49,600 Speaker 1: day wasted. A reaction to this is that we can 249 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:55,120 Speaker 1: become quite jaded. This was definitely my experience. I cannot 250 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,720 Speaker 1: tell you the amount of times that I told my 251 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:03,399 Speaker 1: friends I would never a date again. After every unsuccessful 252 00:18:03,440 --> 00:18:10,120 Speaker 1: relationship or situationship or date, I would just almost reinforce 253 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:13,080 Speaker 1: this sense to myself that I was going to be 254 00:18:13,119 --> 00:18:16,560 Speaker 1: happy being alone, and I truly convinced myself of that, 255 00:18:16,760 --> 00:18:19,439 Speaker 1: But I think deep down I always knew that that 256 00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:22,880 Speaker 1: wasn't true. That I was jaded. We all want someone 257 00:18:23,040 --> 00:18:28,639 Speaker 1: who was our person despite being scared of being hurt again. 258 00:18:29,560 --> 00:18:33,040 Speaker 1: It was really important for me to realize that my 259 00:18:33,119 --> 00:18:38,840 Speaker 1: brain had subconsciously learned this connection between love and trust 260 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:42,920 Speaker 1: and hurt through the repetition of these experiences from these 261 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:47,760 Speaker 1: relationships that had gone wrong, or even in some instances 262 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:51,800 Speaker 1: for others, just a seriously awful breakup can teach us this. 263 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:57,679 Speaker 1: It's a theory known as classical conditioning. As humans, we 264 00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:02,560 Speaker 1: are primed to avoid pain and suffering, So if you've 265 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:08,040 Speaker 1: had your heart absolutely shattered, we feel it's necessary to 266 00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:12,720 Speaker 1: avoid all romantic connection as a result, because we associate 267 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,440 Speaker 1: it with being hurt. But that's really no way I 268 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:20,480 Speaker 1: think to live your life. I think suffering and putting 269 00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:26,200 Speaker 1: yourself out there, being vulnerable, that brings growth, that brings change. 270 00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:30,640 Speaker 1: You honestly never know what a relationship is going to 271 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:33,280 Speaker 1: do to you, and not in a bad way, in 272 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,920 Speaker 1: a way that you never know what new door, new 273 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:39,160 Speaker 1: chapter is going open. You really do have to take 274 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,600 Speaker 1: the risk and learn the lessons along the way. I 275 00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,919 Speaker 1: saw this really interesting TikTok the other day, and I 276 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:50,280 Speaker 1: think it relates really perfectly to this next theory I 277 00:19:50,359 --> 00:19:53,600 Speaker 1: want to touch on. Essentially, it explained this kind of 278 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:57,680 Speaker 1: anecdotal idea or theory around the journey we go through 279 00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:01,280 Speaker 1: in the months after heartbreak. You know, we travel through 280 00:20:01,359 --> 00:20:04,000 Speaker 1: this period of grief, then we kind of try and 281 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,120 Speaker 1: get back out there data round to have a few 282 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:12,560 Speaker 1: unsuccessful experiences, and we hermit and her theory wasn't wrong. 283 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:15,240 Speaker 1: It was kind of spot on our journey through a 284 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:19,520 Speaker 1: breakup can actually be mapped on to the stages of 285 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:24,240 Speaker 1: grief that psychologists typically used to explain our reaction to 286 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:29,159 Speaker 1: death or the loss this psychiatrist Elizabeth Kobler Ross she 287 00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:33,680 Speaker 1: adapted this theory in the late sixties to talk about 288 00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:37,280 Speaker 1: the loss incurred by a breakup. Yes, that person is 289 00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:41,200 Speaker 1: still alive, they're not dead, but the relationship isn't and 290 00:20:41,520 --> 00:20:45,520 Speaker 1: I think it sometimes makes it more complicated, in my opinion, 291 00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:49,679 Speaker 1: knowing that that person is still out there, but for 292 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:54,600 Speaker 1: whatever reason, you can't be together. I'm going to walk 293 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:58,680 Speaker 1: us through each stage. If you're someone who has been 294 00:20:58,680 --> 00:21:01,040 Speaker 1: broken up with or you're going through a breakup in 295 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,720 Speaker 1: the last twelve months or so, I want you to 296 00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:09,040 Speaker 1: listen closely here and see if you can identify yourself 297 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:13,440 Speaker 1: in any of these stages. The first one is denial. 298 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:18,040 Speaker 1: You know, those first few days after a breakup, you 299 00:21:18,080 --> 00:21:22,000 Speaker 1: can feel completely normal and fine, and people often come 300 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,280 Speaker 1: to me and say, I just feel like I'm not 301 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:30,040 Speaker 1: emotionally processing this. I literally feel nothing that is totally valid. 302 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:33,840 Speaker 1: It's actually a really normal experience to be thinking, you know, 303 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,640 Speaker 1: this is the best decision I've ever made. You throw 304 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:42,200 Speaker 1: yourself back into socializing you feel fine. Well, that's probably denial, 305 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:45,880 Speaker 1: and it's our brain's way of protecting us from immediate 306 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:50,600 Speaker 1: emotional pain by suppressing our reaction until a few days 307 00:21:51,359 --> 00:21:55,840 Speaker 1: or even weeks have passed. During this stage, our reality 308 00:21:55,960 --> 00:22:01,080 Speaker 1: has shifted completely and it can take our minds some 309 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:05,800 Speaker 1: time to really adjust to this new reality, these new circumstances. 310 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:10,400 Speaker 1: And that's denial. That's where we almost I haven't really 311 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:14,760 Speaker 1: processed what's happened. Life doesn't feel like it's changed much. 312 00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,400 Speaker 1: But for my heartbroken people out there, we know that 313 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:24,080 Speaker 1: that doesn't last long before the anger sets in. Anger 314 00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:29,119 Speaker 1: is a completely normal reaction to extreme emotional discomfort, and 315 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,399 Speaker 1: it often flows out of us a lot easier than 316 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:37,040 Speaker 1: sadness because it's a fairly uncomplicated emotion. Anger, especially combative anger. 317 00:22:37,840 --> 00:22:40,000 Speaker 1: It also tends to be the first thing we actually 318 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:44,800 Speaker 1: feel when we start releasing all those pent up emotions 319 00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,959 Speaker 1: associated with a breakup. I see this all the time 320 00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:52,160 Speaker 1: in friends of mine who have broken up with their partners. 321 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:56,359 Speaker 1: It always starts really civil. They wish them the best, 322 00:22:56,560 --> 00:23:00,159 Speaker 1: they say they're fine, and then like three weeks in, 323 00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,159 Speaker 1: you start to hear the anger come through. You know, 324 00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,880 Speaker 1: the statements about how they were such a ship person, 325 00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:11,119 Speaker 1: how you know they never deserved them, or the stories 326 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:16,679 Speaker 1: you've never heard before. The floodgates are opening, and anger 327 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:20,440 Speaker 1: is the first emotion to be released. I think it's 328 00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:24,240 Speaker 1: best not to suppress this feeling, but let yourself feel 329 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:26,640 Speaker 1: this emotion. You'll get through it. I think a lot 330 00:23:26,680 --> 00:23:31,119 Speaker 1: faster if you do. Don't do anything rash, but allow 331 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:36,639 Speaker 1: yourself to feel angry. Bargaining you know, despite how cruel 332 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:40,400 Speaker 1: or awful a person was, if we stayed with them 333 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:42,960 Speaker 1: for long enough, the chances are that we were attached, 334 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:46,320 Speaker 1: and as that attachment is put under pressure by distance, 335 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:52,760 Speaker 1: we may find ourselves backsliding and contemplating whether this was 336 00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:57,400 Speaker 1: the right decision. This is where bargaining enters the breakup equation, 337 00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,959 Speaker 1: with thoughts like you know, if we get back together 338 00:24:01,119 --> 00:24:04,320 Speaker 1: a promise that I'll be a better person, or I'll 339 00:24:04,359 --> 00:24:07,440 Speaker 1: go to the gym, they'll want me back. Bargaining comes 340 00:24:07,440 --> 00:24:09,840 Speaker 1: from a feeling of helplessness, and it gives us a 341 00:24:09,840 --> 00:24:15,600 Speaker 1: perceived sense of control over the situation, regardless of whether 342 00:24:15,600 --> 00:24:19,000 Speaker 1: you actually were the one to end the relationship or not. 343 00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:23,120 Speaker 1: Sometimes we get to this point of feeling like everything 344 00:24:23,200 --> 00:24:25,280 Speaker 1: was our fault, and that we want to go back. 345 00:24:25,480 --> 00:24:28,160 Speaker 1: We want to change our emotional state. We don't want 346 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:32,600 Speaker 1: to experience this pain anymore. We might look back at 347 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,320 Speaker 1: our interactions with that person and realize all the times 348 00:24:35,359 --> 00:24:38,320 Speaker 1: that maybe we were in the wrong. I think that 349 00:24:38,359 --> 00:24:41,480 Speaker 1: we can't do better, and you know, sometimes we do 350 00:24:41,560 --> 00:24:44,679 Speaker 1: get back with this person, but the chances are that 351 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:48,920 Speaker 1: if you're listening to this episode, that has not been 352 00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:53,120 Speaker 1: the case. And I saw this amazing quote the other 353 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:55,920 Speaker 1: day for all my people who in my friends, who 354 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:59,520 Speaker 1: are in the bargaining stage, if there was a reason 355 00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,200 Speaker 1: that you up in the first place, there's a reason 356 00:25:02,280 --> 00:25:05,679 Speaker 1: why you shouldn't get back together, Like you have to 357 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:10,240 Speaker 1: really place yourself in that logical state of mind, as 358 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,240 Speaker 1: hard as it is, there was a reason that relationship 359 00:25:14,000 --> 00:25:16,760 Speaker 1: didn't work, and that reason is a strong enough reason 360 00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:21,199 Speaker 1: to not contemplate getting back together with them. And I 361 00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:23,159 Speaker 1: think that's where we move on to the next stage, 362 00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:27,640 Speaker 1: which is depression. I have this theory that this stage 363 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,840 Speaker 1: of the breakup, the depression stage, is really what people 364 00:25:31,080 --> 00:25:33,760 Speaker 1: envision when we talk about heartache or we talk about 365 00:25:33,760 --> 00:25:38,000 Speaker 1: a breakup. It's the misery, it's the two am tiers 366 00:25:38,080 --> 00:25:42,320 Speaker 1: along drives in your car, the breakup playlists, waiting for 367 00:25:42,359 --> 00:25:45,880 Speaker 1: a text back, the pain, all the hard stuff, all 368 00:25:45,880 --> 00:25:50,440 Speaker 1: the difficult emotions. During our experience of processing grief, there 369 00:25:50,480 --> 00:25:55,480 Speaker 1: comes a time when all of our emotions and our 370 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,760 Speaker 1: imaginations and our bargaining begins to slow down and we 371 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:03,959 Speaker 1: start to really understand the state and the situation that 372 00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,280 Speaker 1: we're in and kind of what we're faced with, which 373 00:26:06,320 --> 00:26:09,840 Speaker 1: is that this person is no longer part of your life, 374 00:26:10,520 --> 00:26:12,840 Speaker 1: and that's something that you really have to accept. So 375 00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,480 Speaker 1: in this stage of the breakup, I think we really 376 00:26:15,560 --> 00:26:19,119 Speaker 1: start to feel that reality a lot more abundantly. And 377 00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:22,080 Speaker 1: as we begin to contemplate questions like will I ever 378 00:26:22,119 --> 00:26:25,200 Speaker 1: see this person again? Or who am I if they're 379 00:26:25,240 --> 00:26:28,600 Speaker 1: not in my life? Will I ever experience love again? 380 00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:33,600 Speaker 1: All of those really existential questions, our circumstances begin to 381 00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:36,119 Speaker 1: become a lot more clear, and our loss becomes a 382 00:26:36,119 --> 00:26:39,640 Speaker 1: lot more unavoidable, and that sadness grows, and I think 383 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:43,880 Speaker 1: that's when the actual hard work and the healing really begins. 384 00:26:44,359 --> 00:26:47,840 Speaker 1: In my most recent breakup, it was so strange. I 385 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:52,960 Speaker 1: spent like the first four months being totally cool, totally okay, 386 00:26:53,040 --> 00:26:56,160 Speaker 1: I was like, Wow, this is the easiest thing I've 387 00:26:56,200 --> 00:27:00,280 Speaker 1: ever done. I'm so over this, and then it just 388 00:27:01,119 --> 00:27:03,840 Speaker 1: all crumbled in like a minute. There was like this 389 00:27:03,880 --> 00:27:07,800 Speaker 1: one day where this I just could feel myself entering 390 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,000 Speaker 1: this stage and I just was like, oh my god, 391 00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:13,439 Speaker 1: this is where it begins. I think it's important to 392 00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:16,359 Speaker 1: note that the length and the intenseness of this stage 393 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:21,400 Speaker 1: is different for everyone because we each have different preexisting 394 00:27:21,560 --> 00:27:27,240 Speaker 1: attachment styles, temperaments, and personalities. There are people out there 395 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:32,280 Speaker 1: who can disconnect from a relationship just like that and 396 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:36,360 Speaker 1: who appear to move on really quickly. And if you're 397 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:39,800 Speaker 1: a sensitive person like me, sometimes that can really be 398 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,880 Speaker 1: the hardest part, knowing that the other person has moved 399 00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:47,520 Speaker 1: on while you're still grieving and trying to process your emotions. 400 00:27:47,600 --> 00:27:50,040 Speaker 1: It's almost like a competition, like who can move on 401 00:27:50,720 --> 00:27:54,280 Speaker 1: the fastest, and when you're losing, it just feels really terrible. 402 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:59,880 Speaker 1: It really makes us question whether what you had was real. 403 00:28:00,480 --> 00:28:03,360 Speaker 1: I promise you that it was. Let me just say, 404 00:28:03,400 --> 00:28:07,280 Speaker 1: if someone has appeared to move on, especially straight into 405 00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:12,560 Speaker 1: a new relationship, I promise you, I promise you that 406 00:28:12,640 --> 00:28:15,760 Speaker 1: they haven't moved on and they will be either single 407 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:20,240 Speaker 1: in five months or you know, we'll have to deal 408 00:28:20,280 --> 00:28:23,280 Speaker 1: with the repercussions in their new relationship. It's not going 409 00:28:23,320 --> 00:28:26,320 Speaker 1: to be smooth sailing. The amount of people that I've 410 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,240 Speaker 1: dated who have started seeing someone like two months after 411 00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:32,159 Speaker 1: we've broken up, and then like a year later, have 412 00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:37,919 Speaker 1: come crawling back is astounding, because you can't undo a 413 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:41,520 Speaker 1: relationship with a click of your fingers. You're using someone 414 00:28:41,560 --> 00:28:44,880 Speaker 1: else as a distraction. And if you haven't taken the 415 00:28:44,960 --> 00:28:48,320 Speaker 1: time to properly journey through the stages of grief, if 416 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:53,000 Speaker 1: you've skipped past that essential emotional work, you haven't accepted 417 00:28:53,040 --> 00:28:57,960 Speaker 1: what's happened, and you haven't fully processed your emotions or 418 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,239 Speaker 1: what that relationship meant to you. So essentially what ends 419 00:29:01,320 --> 00:29:03,840 Speaker 1: up happening is you use someone else as a distraction 420 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:07,760 Speaker 1: from the hard feelings. Five months later, six months later, 421 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:11,520 Speaker 1: you're back at square one. I think what I'm essentially 422 00:29:11,520 --> 00:29:15,680 Speaker 1: trying to say is that these individuals they skip over 423 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:20,080 Speaker 1: all the important parts and they don't process your emotions, 424 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:22,840 Speaker 1: they don't process their emotions, and they just assume that 425 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:28,080 Speaker 1: they've reached acceptance. And acceptance, of course, is the final stage. 426 00:29:28,600 --> 00:29:31,760 Speaker 1: If you've moved through all those other stages like this 427 00:29:31,800 --> 00:29:35,080 Speaker 1: isn't a past go situation. You have to go through it. 428 00:29:35,120 --> 00:29:37,600 Speaker 1: You have to go through the trenches. When we come 429 00:29:37,640 --> 00:29:40,800 Speaker 1: to a place of acceptance, it's not that we no 430 00:29:40,800 --> 00:29:45,320 Speaker 1: longer miss the person, that we no longer feel pain. 431 00:29:46,080 --> 00:29:50,280 Speaker 1: All that sadness and regret can still be present in 432 00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:53,600 Speaker 1: this phase, but you also start to feel at peace. 433 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:57,200 Speaker 1: You rationally come back to yourself. You accept that it 434 00:29:57,320 --> 00:29:59,360 Speaker 1: is you know it is what it is, that it 435 00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:02,760 Speaker 1: happened for a reason, that it needed to happen. You 436 00:30:02,920 --> 00:30:05,440 Speaker 1: made the right choice, and you start looking forward and 437 00:30:05,520 --> 00:30:10,040 Speaker 1: maybe even dating again. But also more importantly, you forgive 438 00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:14,880 Speaker 1: yourself because you're now able to accurately reflect on the 439 00:30:14,960 --> 00:30:19,480 Speaker 1: relationship and see what went wrong. At this stage, I 440 00:30:19,520 --> 00:30:23,959 Speaker 1: think reconciliation is possible, but a warning to the wise. 441 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:27,600 Speaker 1: I honestly don't think that you can be friends with 442 00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:30,680 Speaker 1: your ex. I don't think that reconciliation will work in 443 00:30:30,720 --> 00:30:33,680 Speaker 1: most cases. Like I said before, if you've been around 444 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,640 Speaker 1: for a while, you'll know that I did an episode 445 00:30:36,720 --> 00:30:41,000 Speaker 1: on can Xes Be Friends featuring my ex boyfriend. Let 446 00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:42,880 Speaker 1: me just say that at the time, I had a 447 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:46,560 Speaker 1: really positive outlook in that episode, but we're actually no 448 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,080 Speaker 1: longer friends. I always thought that it would be possible, 449 00:30:49,120 --> 00:30:51,680 Speaker 1: but it's actually really hard to forget what you once 450 00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:56,560 Speaker 1: were to each other. Romantic attraction, physical attraction may fade, 451 00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:01,360 Speaker 1: but our bodies and our minds remember, and if both 452 00:31:01,640 --> 00:31:05,360 Speaker 1: individuals are not on the same page, it is never 453 00:31:06,040 --> 00:31:10,520 Speaker 1: going to work. You need to be completely and brutally 454 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:14,960 Speaker 1: honest with yourself. If there is even the slightest desire 455 00:31:15,080 --> 00:31:18,160 Speaker 1: to get back together with this person, you're not ready. 456 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:20,320 Speaker 1: You're not ready to reach out, you're not ready for 457 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:24,720 Speaker 1: the closer conversation, you're not ready to talk. I hope 458 00:31:24,720 --> 00:31:26,040 Speaker 1: this has kind of given you, guys, a bit of 459 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:31,200 Speaker 1: an insight into the hidden mechanisms of our pain. Regardless 460 00:31:31,240 --> 00:31:34,280 Speaker 1: of what stage you're in. Heartache is never easy. So 461 00:31:34,320 --> 00:31:37,560 Speaker 1: if you're listening to this for some sage psychological wisdom 462 00:31:37,600 --> 00:31:40,600 Speaker 1: on how to move on and fully let go, you 463 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:43,200 Speaker 1: are in luck. Because that is what I want to 464 00:31:43,200 --> 00:31:52,920 Speaker 1: talk about next. In just a moment, there is the brutal, 465 00:31:53,360 --> 00:31:57,240 Speaker 1: honest truth. If you want to truly let go of 466 00:31:57,320 --> 00:32:00,560 Speaker 1: someone after the end of a relationship, you need to 467 00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:04,040 Speaker 1: disconnect from them entirely. It can be really easy to 468 00:32:04,120 --> 00:32:07,640 Speaker 1: keep touching base seeing each other after things have ended. 469 00:32:08,200 --> 00:32:11,920 Speaker 1: But I promise you that will only elongate the process 470 00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:16,560 Speaker 1: of emotional and physical detachment. All of the science and 471 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:19,880 Speaker 1: the psychology says that the months after a breakup are, 472 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,040 Speaker 1: in essence, a period of withdrawal. You're trying to eliminate 473 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:26,960 Speaker 1: your brain's addiction to this person and the feeling that 474 00:32:27,000 --> 00:32:29,640 Speaker 1: they bring you. But if you keep finding ways to 475 00:32:29,720 --> 00:32:34,200 Speaker 1: see them, sleeping with them, talking, you give your brain 476 00:32:34,480 --> 00:32:39,800 Speaker 1: what we call invariable reward or reinforcement, which only promotes 477 00:32:39,840 --> 00:32:44,040 Speaker 1: the obsession and the difficulty in breaking things off completely. 478 00:32:44,160 --> 00:32:47,000 Speaker 1: Every time you see your ex, especially in a manner 479 00:32:47,040 --> 00:32:52,040 Speaker 1: that is reminiscent of your past romantic relationship, your brain 480 00:32:52,440 --> 00:32:56,960 Speaker 1: receives a dopamine hit, and it reinforces that pathway or 481 00:32:57,040 --> 00:33:02,200 Speaker 1: learned conditioning between this person and the warm, fuzzy feelings 482 00:33:02,280 --> 00:33:05,160 Speaker 1: that we receive. I hate to say it. I know 483 00:33:05,240 --> 00:33:10,400 Speaker 1: it's not always a popular opinion, but no contact truly 484 00:33:10,720 --> 00:33:14,400 Speaker 1: is your friend if your aim is to let go, 485 00:33:15,000 --> 00:33:17,720 Speaker 1: if your aim is to move on. From my own 486 00:33:17,800 --> 00:33:20,880 Speaker 1: personal experience, I know that decision is a lot harder 487 00:33:20,920 --> 00:33:24,040 Speaker 1: than the easier path of kind of keeping in touch, 488 00:33:24,520 --> 00:33:27,120 Speaker 1: But I promise you in three months time, you will 489 00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:31,120 Speaker 1: be thinking yourself. Because it's important to remember that breakups 490 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:35,320 Speaker 1: aren't just social, they're not just emotional. They are neurological, 491 00:33:35,760 --> 00:33:38,760 Speaker 1: and your brain is the basis of your attachment and 492 00:33:38,840 --> 00:33:42,600 Speaker 1: your obsession with this person. So if you break the habit, 493 00:33:43,120 --> 00:33:46,959 Speaker 1: you'll find that you'll heal. Quicker block their number and 494 00:33:47,080 --> 00:33:50,640 Speaker 1: follow them right now. You don't need to see what 495 00:33:50,680 --> 00:33:53,280 Speaker 1: they're doing. You don't need to see what parties they're attending, 496 00:33:53,880 --> 00:33:57,000 Speaker 1: what people they're with. It's like scratching an itch. It 497 00:33:57,080 --> 00:34:01,920 Speaker 1: may feel good, but the sting will only back stronger later. 498 00:34:02,680 --> 00:34:06,320 Speaker 1: No contact is your friend. As hard as it may be, 499 00:34:06,920 --> 00:34:09,640 Speaker 1: we know from research at the end of a relationship 500 00:34:09,719 --> 00:34:14,919 Speaker 1: causes a plunge in dopamine and serotonin levels. Hence, while 501 00:34:14,920 --> 00:34:17,160 Speaker 1: we often enter I think a pretty dark state in 502 00:34:17,200 --> 00:34:23,000 Speaker 1: many ways that kind of mimics even the symptoms of depression. Additionally, 503 00:34:23,360 --> 00:34:26,239 Speaker 1: I think exposure to our past memories with someone and 504 00:34:26,280 --> 00:34:29,799 Speaker 1: their images or thoughts of them it activates some of 505 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:34,760 Speaker 1: the very same brain regions that interpret and process physical pain, 506 00:34:34,920 --> 00:34:37,920 Speaker 1: like we talked about before. So how do we minimize 507 00:34:38,160 --> 00:34:41,840 Speaker 1: these physiological symptoms that often draw us back into connecting 508 00:34:42,320 --> 00:34:45,600 Speaker 1: with our exes. You need to find a source of 509 00:34:45,640 --> 00:34:49,960 Speaker 1: dopamine and happiness that has absolutely nothing to do with 510 00:34:50,040 --> 00:34:53,759 Speaker 1: that person. You need to find a replacement for the 511 00:34:53,800 --> 00:34:56,640 Speaker 1: deficit that they've left you in, and it's kind of 512 00:34:56,719 --> 00:34:59,680 Speaker 1: up to you. But I would say something like watching 513 00:34:59,719 --> 00:35:03,560 Speaker 1: te or napping that's a temporary fix. What we want 514 00:35:03,680 --> 00:35:09,239 Speaker 1: is an activity that creates long term gratification. One of 515 00:35:09,280 --> 00:35:13,240 Speaker 1: my friends got super into doing triathlons and rock climbing 516 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,920 Speaker 1: after she split from her partner. She was honestly so 517 00:35:17,160 --> 00:35:19,600 Speaker 1: jacked by the end of it, but it was also 518 00:35:19,719 --> 00:35:22,840 Speaker 1: something that really gave her a sense of purpose and 519 00:35:22,920 --> 00:35:27,160 Speaker 1: a sense of self beyond the relationship. Something like joining 520 00:35:27,160 --> 00:35:30,880 Speaker 1: a sports club, a social sports team, and art class, gardening, 521 00:35:30,960 --> 00:35:35,600 Speaker 1: miniature trains. You know, honestly, it doesn't really matter as 522 00:35:35,600 --> 00:35:38,520 Speaker 1: long as it makes you happy, and crucially, you're able 523 00:35:38,560 --> 00:35:42,360 Speaker 1: to enter a flow state, a state of complete calm 524 00:35:42,560 --> 00:35:50,120 Speaker 1: and focus and excitement when you're participating. That is what's 525 00:35:50,200 --> 00:35:54,359 Speaker 1: most important. That you're able to reconnect with yourself, you're 526 00:35:54,400 --> 00:35:59,320 Speaker 1: able to increase those dopamine levels without needing the other person. 527 00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,560 Speaker 1: But I would also say bonus points if it involves 528 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:07,360 Speaker 1: being able to meet new people and hopefully new friends 529 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,239 Speaker 1: who have no idea who your ex is, who are 530 00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:15,040 Speaker 1: not friends with your ex, who only know you as yourself. 531 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:19,680 Speaker 1: I think one of the major difficulties moving on from 532 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:23,960 Speaker 1: a relationship is how conflated our individual identities become with 533 00:36:24,040 --> 00:36:27,640 Speaker 1: someone else's. So finding new people, new hobbies, and new 534 00:36:27,680 --> 00:36:32,480 Speaker 1: facets of yourself that have absolutely nothing to do with 535 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:36,280 Speaker 1: that other person it really does help aid your healing 536 00:36:36,320 --> 00:36:40,960 Speaker 1: journey and reconnect you with your essence, with your personal 537 00:36:41,040 --> 00:36:44,000 Speaker 1: sense of identity, and with your own self worth and 538 00:36:44,080 --> 00:36:47,279 Speaker 1: your own value. A lot of these tips may sound 539 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:51,160 Speaker 1: like avoidance or distraction, you know, cutting off your ex completely, 540 00:36:51,840 --> 00:36:55,040 Speaker 1: diving into your new sport and your new friendships, but 541 00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:58,200 Speaker 1: there is something really important about just allowing yourself to 542 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:02,359 Speaker 1: feel self pity and to wallow. The people I know 543 00:37:02,400 --> 00:37:05,160 Speaker 1: who try really hard to pretend like they're all right 544 00:37:05,239 --> 00:37:08,239 Speaker 1: and move on really quickly, you know four months later 545 00:37:08,239 --> 00:37:10,759 Speaker 1: they're the ones who suffer the most and who hurt 546 00:37:10,840 --> 00:37:15,040 Speaker 1: the longest. Because suppression, which is what they're doing, is 547 00:37:15,080 --> 00:37:19,719 Speaker 1: an unhealthy coping mechanism, and all it does is prolongedly inevitable. 548 00:37:20,440 --> 00:37:23,960 Speaker 1: You need to break down. You need to cry, you 549 00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,799 Speaker 1: need to wish you'd never met them, and swear to 550 00:37:27,840 --> 00:37:30,440 Speaker 1: your friends you'll never date again. Trust me, it's a 551 00:37:30,600 --> 00:37:34,759 Speaker 1: right of passage to really feel your emotions. You know, 552 00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:36,879 Speaker 1: you don't need to get lost in it. It's all 553 00:37:36,920 --> 00:37:41,160 Speaker 1: with moderation. But I think importantly, while you're going through this, 554 00:37:42,000 --> 00:37:46,800 Speaker 1: make sure you create a safe space to really feel 555 00:37:46,840 --> 00:37:52,880 Speaker 1: what you're feeling, to really, Like I said, Wallow, I 556 00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:57,840 Speaker 1: do this thing where every time a relationship ends, I 557 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:01,080 Speaker 1: grow to Queensland, which is where I kind of grew up, 558 00:38:01,120 --> 00:38:04,040 Speaker 1: and it's where I feel most vulnerable. And I know 559 00:38:04,160 --> 00:38:08,279 Speaker 1: there that I am safe, that I am able to 560 00:38:08,320 --> 00:38:12,279 Speaker 1: really express myself. I'm able to feel my emotions. There's 561 00:38:12,360 --> 00:38:13,960 Speaker 1: no one I need to keep up with. I'm not 562 00:38:14,040 --> 00:38:17,319 Speaker 1: going to run into them anywhere. And it can be 563 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:20,359 Speaker 1: something as simple as rearranging your room to kind of 564 00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:24,000 Speaker 1: disassociate from the memories you might have with them in there, 565 00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:28,120 Speaker 1: going by yourself, a cozy breakup blanket or a candle, 566 00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:33,880 Speaker 1: create a little oasis for yourself to be vulnerable and 567 00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:38,040 Speaker 1: to be emotional, and give yourself time to endure the pain. 568 00:38:38,160 --> 00:38:42,440 Speaker 1: I know it's so much easier to distract, to flee, 569 00:38:42,560 --> 00:38:46,600 Speaker 1: to run away from hard emotions. But I think that 570 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:51,080 Speaker 1: you'll be surprised how much you will learn about yourself 571 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:56,760 Speaker 1: because emotional release brings clarity. I also think it's really 572 00:38:56,880 --> 00:39:00,600 Speaker 1: important to give yourself the closure that you need. I 573 00:39:00,640 --> 00:39:03,400 Speaker 1: think where people often go wrong as they try and 574 00:39:03,480 --> 00:39:07,759 Speaker 1: move on from someone is believing that only the other 575 00:39:07,840 --> 00:39:10,879 Speaker 1: person can bring them closure. And I don't believe that 576 00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:14,960 Speaker 1: for a second. Ask yourself, if you're thinking about reaching out, 577 00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:19,480 Speaker 1: if you're thinking about having the closure conversation with them, 578 00:39:19,680 --> 00:39:24,719 Speaker 1: what exactly are you looking for when you're talking about closure. 579 00:39:25,760 --> 00:39:29,600 Speaker 1: Is there really a specific thing that they can give 580 00:39:29,640 --> 00:39:32,120 Speaker 1: you or they can say that's going to make you 581 00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:36,200 Speaker 1: feel better? The answer is probably not, and even if 582 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:39,880 Speaker 1: there is, it's very unlikely that they're actually going to 583 00:39:40,000 --> 00:39:43,640 Speaker 1: say it. Here's the truth. You can give yourself the 584 00:39:43,680 --> 00:39:49,080 Speaker 1: closure that you need. They are not responsible for healing you. 585 00:39:49,320 --> 00:39:52,040 Speaker 1: That's your job. And there are a few ways that 586 00:39:52,120 --> 00:39:55,680 Speaker 1: you can kind of activate that closing of the chapter. 587 00:39:55,840 --> 00:40:00,200 Speaker 1: Ways that you can pursue full body and emotional closure 588 00:40:00,320 --> 00:40:04,239 Speaker 1: from your previous relationship. The one I always suggest is 589 00:40:04,280 --> 00:40:07,640 Speaker 1: to write a letter to that person. Just get a 590 00:40:07,680 --> 00:40:11,080 Speaker 1: couple pieces of paper. I want you to write everything 591 00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:16,239 Speaker 1: that you loved about them, everything that was special, but 592 00:40:16,320 --> 00:40:21,040 Speaker 1: also why you're mad, while you're angry, while you're miserable, 593 00:40:21,600 --> 00:40:24,560 Speaker 1: talk about how you feel right now, but also why 594 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,720 Speaker 1: you need to let go. Consider it almost a final 595 00:40:28,360 --> 00:40:31,640 Speaker 1: love letter to them, all of the emotions that you're feeling. 596 00:40:31,680 --> 00:40:34,000 Speaker 1: Put it on the page, and then I want you 597 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,960 Speaker 1: to put it away. And I also don't want you 598 00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:40,480 Speaker 1: to stop writing until you've you're really done, you're really 599 00:40:40,520 --> 00:40:44,879 Speaker 1: exhausted all the thoughts in your brain, and either get 600 00:40:44,960 --> 00:40:46,880 Speaker 1: rid of that letter or keep it in a box, 601 00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:50,200 Speaker 1: don't send it to them, don't tell anyone about it, 602 00:40:50,760 --> 00:40:53,920 Speaker 1: just do it for you. Say goodbye in your own way. 603 00:40:54,080 --> 00:40:56,560 Speaker 1: I also want you to remove anything that reminds you 604 00:40:56,640 --> 00:40:59,480 Speaker 1: of them from your physical space. All that's going to 605 00:40:59,520 --> 00:41:04,480 Speaker 1: do is reactivate those synaptic connections in your brain that 606 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:08,320 Speaker 1: make you want them back, that make you long and obsess. 607 00:41:09,320 --> 00:41:15,160 Speaker 1: It's really important to recreate or refurbish or clean your 608 00:41:15,160 --> 00:41:18,200 Speaker 1: personal spaces of memories of them so that you can 609 00:41:18,239 --> 00:41:21,840 Speaker 1: reclaim them as your own. If you're really struggling and 610 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:24,160 Speaker 1: you're like, I really want to reach out to this person, 611 00:41:24,520 --> 00:41:27,960 Speaker 1: no contact isn't working. I miss them. They are the 612 00:41:28,080 --> 00:41:34,279 Speaker 1: love of my life. Visualization is your friend. I want 613 00:41:34,280 --> 00:41:38,360 Speaker 1: you to visualize yourself bearing a box containing all the 614 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:42,960 Speaker 1: memories from that relationship. And if that thought comes in 615 00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:45,440 Speaker 1: where you're like, I can't stop thinking about this person, 616 00:41:46,320 --> 00:41:49,080 Speaker 1: I can't stop a possessing over them. One of my 617 00:41:49,160 --> 00:41:53,480 Speaker 1: friends gave me an amazing strategy for this. Imagine their 618 00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:58,279 Speaker 1: face on a ball and then picture yourself hitting that 619 00:41:58,320 --> 00:42:02,480 Speaker 1: ball as far away as possible. It really helps. I 620 00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:04,640 Speaker 1: will say that I have used that a few times, 621 00:42:05,160 --> 00:42:08,120 Speaker 1: and visualization is a great way of kind of tricking 622 00:42:08,120 --> 00:42:13,640 Speaker 1: your brain into creating a reality that it wants. I 623 00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:16,440 Speaker 1: think it's also important you know, with that latter idea 624 00:42:16,520 --> 00:42:20,400 Speaker 1: that we suggested to make peace with the past but 625 00:42:20,719 --> 00:42:24,520 Speaker 1: accept the future. They're no longer going to be in 626 00:42:24,560 --> 00:42:27,719 Speaker 1: your life. That's a really hard pill to swallow. But 627 00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:30,560 Speaker 1: write out all of your favorite things about them on 628 00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:33,560 Speaker 1: a piece of paper, and then for each reason, I 629 00:42:33,640 --> 00:42:38,080 Speaker 1: want you to write down the reasons why you needed 630 00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:42,759 Speaker 1: to break up, the reasons why you couldn't stay, why 631 00:42:42,800 --> 00:42:46,600 Speaker 1: this breakup is necessary. Sometimes I think it's important to 632 00:42:46,640 --> 00:42:51,520 Speaker 1: go deeper into the belly of the beast before we emerge, 633 00:42:52,280 --> 00:42:55,640 Speaker 1: and remind yourself that there is a better love out 634 00:42:55,680 --> 00:42:59,080 Speaker 1: there for you, and you're willing to wait. There is 635 00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:02,080 Speaker 1: someone who's going to love you in a way that 636 00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:06,480 Speaker 1: you cannot even imagine, who is going to think that 637 00:43:06,520 --> 00:43:09,960 Speaker 1: you're the most perfect person, who is going to treat 638 00:43:10,040 --> 00:43:12,960 Speaker 1: you in a way that you have begged to be 639 00:43:13,000 --> 00:43:17,960 Speaker 1: treated from every past person. I always say this on 640 00:43:18,000 --> 00:43:20,560 Speaker 1: the show, So sorry if I'm like a broken record, 641 00:43:20,719 --> 00:43:24,040 Speaker 1: but I would rather find the love of my life 642 00:43:24,040 --> 00:43:27,680 Speaker 1: at thirty five than reach that age and realize that 643 00:43:27,719 --> 00:43:31,319 Speaker 1: I had settled too soon. Also, whatever you do, if 644 00:43:31,360 --> 00:43:37,040 Speaker 1: you are still emotionally raw, do not get into a 645 00:43:37,120 --> 00:43:40,840 Speaker 1: new relationship. That is the number one piece of advice. 646 00:43:40,920 --> 00:43:43,520 Speaker 1: I probably should have said it sooner. I know it 647 00:43:43,560 --> 00:43:48,279 Speaker 1: can be so easy to use love and affection, and 648 00:43:48,600 --> 00:43:51,920 Speaker 1: the love and affection of another person to soothe the 649 00:43:51,960 --> 00:43:55,439 Speaker 1: wounds of loss, But I promise you in the long run, 650 00:43:55,560 --> 00:43:58,440 Speaker 1: it will come back to bite you. Take some time 651 00:43:58,560 --> 00:44:01,719 Speaker 1: to be alone. It's really sacred. There is going to 652 00:44:01,719 --> 00:44:04,960 Speaker 1: be a point in your future when you're married, when 653 00:44:04,960 --> 00:44:08,160 Speaker 1: you have kids, whatever, where you're going to look back 654 00:44:08,200 --> 00:44:10,759 Speaker 1: at this time where you were single, in your twenties 655 00:44:11,200 --> 00:44:14,239 Speaker 1: and wish that you've just had one more day like that. 656 00:44:14,360 --> 00:44:19,280 Speaker 1: So really cherish it, and I promise you will thank yourself. 657 00:44:19,360 --> 00:44:22,600 Speaker 1: You will learn so much about who you are. You 658 00:44:22,640 --> 00:44:26,359 Speaker 1: will discover so much about your identity and your personality 659 00:44:27,440 --> 00:44:30,439 Speaker 1: through heartbreak, more than you will in any relationship, more 660 00:44:30,440 --> 00:44:34,399 Speaker 1: than any relationship can teach you. You know, we've all 661 00:44:34,440 --> 00:44:37,480 Speaker 1: been there, and I know a few of you will 662 00:44:38,080 --> 00:44:41,439 Speaker 1: roll your eyes when I say this. I'm sorry, but 663 00:44:42,120 --> 00:44:46,040 Speaker 1: it does get better. There are people out there who 664 00:44:46,080 --> 00:44:49,440 Speaker 1: will love you, like I said, more than you ever 665 00:44:49,880 --> 00:44:53,759 Speaker 1: could anticipate. And the end of one chapter is the 666 00:44:53,800 --> 00:44:56,200 Speaker 1: beginning of an even better one, even if it takes 667 00:44:56,239 --> 00:44:59,799 Speaker 1: a while. I promise that the growth and the maturity 668 00:45:00,120 --> 00:45:03,480 Speaker 1: is worth it. So I'm sending love to you all, 669 00:45:03,760 --> 00:45:06,879 Speaker 1: all my heartbroken people out there. I hope that this 670 00:45:06,920 --> 00:45:11,080 Speaker 1: episode helped you and that you do not get into 671 00:45:11,080 --> 00:45:13,120 Speaker 1: a new relationship. I feel like that is the major 672 00:45:13,160 --> 00:45:15,840 Speaker 1: point that we took away from this episode. But I 673 00:45:15,880 --> 00:45:18,680 Speaker 1: really didn't love kind of exploring this, you know, Like 674 00:45:18,719 --> 00:45:20,920 Speaker 1: I said, I feel like I've just come out of 675 00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:24,240 Speaker 1: it and I finally kind of felt ready to really 676 00:45:24,480 --> 00:45:27,520 Speaker 1: do some of the deep diving that I wish i'd 677 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:30,360 Speaker 1: done earlier and to just kind of talk about it, 678 00:45:30,360 --> 00:45:32,680 Speaker 1: because I know it can be really, really difficult. So 679 00:45:33,160 --> 00:45:35,839 Speaker 1: I am sending you love, I'm sending you strength. It 680 00:45:35,880 --> 00:45:38,200 Speaker 1: will get better. I'm sorry to say it. I know 681 00:45:38,239 --> 00:45:41,160 Speaker 1: it's annoying, but I promise you it will. And I 682 00:45:41,200 --> 00:45:43,800 Speaker 1: just want to thank you for following along and listening 683 00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:47,040 Speaker 1: to this episode. If you enjoyed it, please feel free 684 00:45:47,080 --> 00:45:50,640 Speaker 1: to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, 685 00:45:51,280 --> 00:45:55,080 Speaker 1: wherever you're listening right now. Follow us on Instagram if 686 00:45:55,080 --> 00:45:56,919 Speaker 1: you want to be more involved, If you have any 687 00:45:56,920 --> 00:46:02,359 Speaker 1: episode suggestions, I love to hear your ideas, and it 688 00:46:02,360 --> 00:46:04,480 Speaker 1: really makes my day to hear that you guys are 689 00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:07,799 Speaker 1: engaged and that you want to learn more. So we 690 00:46:07,840 --> 00:46:12,800 Speaker 1: are at that Psychology podcast on Instagram. Also, I talked 691 00:46:12,840 --> 00:46:15,359 Speaker 1: about this in last week's episode, but we now have 692 00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:19,200 Speaker 1: merchandise available, So if you want to be decked out 693 00:46:19,280 --> 00:46:25,360 Speaker 1: with some the Psychology of your Twenties podcast merchandise, please 694 00:46:25,560 --> 00:46:29,200 Speaker 1: visit our website or the link in the podcast description 695 00:46:29,840 --> 00:46:32,560 Speaker 1: and send me a photo. I would love to see 696 00:46:32,640 --> 00:46:35,920 Speaker 1: you guys wearing your beautiful merch and thank you so 697 00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:39,279 Speaker 1: much for listening. I can't wait to be back next 698 00:46:39,360 --> 00:46:40,840 Speaker 1: week for another episode.